How To Make An Avoidant Fall In Love With You Again

[@AttachmentAdam]

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[@gemmaburns6407]

Listen ladies if he’s fell out of love with you take it as an amazing blessing! Give yourself 5mths and your confidence will return and find a man that’s willing to pour into you as much as you do them, come back to this post in 5 mths and read all the comments how desperate women are trying to make a dead end relationship with an avoidant work!! Believe me I was one of them for 5yrs, 5yrs I will never get back.

[@JuwanTV]

As somone who used to watch these videos in an attempt to reverse engineer my situationship into a relationship, I've learned that the more you love yourself, the less appealing having to do all of this work for someone who most likely won't do the same becomes. Even IF you get the avoidant partner back, theres so many comments about them just leaving again for the exact same reasons. My advice? Put yourself first for once! I'm sure the avoidant person loves you but love ain't enough for them to treat you properly. I bet some of you are watching these videos wishing they would do the same reseach on your own attachment style but look at yourself. Cut your losses and leave them alone.

[@VladaBalkanTales]

Exactly!! Well put!

[@Babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy]

So I take it that you’re no longer with your situationship turned boyfriend?

[@kimwalker4390]

@@JuwanTV but you watched this all the way through for a reason.

[@grabbelton]

The better question to ask is : how does he get me to fall in love with him again???

[@andreabrunkow9314]

He won't try.

[@grabbelton]

@andreabrunkow9314 you might be right. We'll see if i can be in the first place.

[@anonymousnation5235]

​@@andreabrunkow9314 yeah you're right.

[@rebelliouscarpenter]

You are right. It's like I'm trying to love myself, set boundaries, be me, and take care of his safety when he won't do the same for me. I feel like i get nothing but bread crumbs from him.

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

​@@rebelliouscarpenterIf that's the case, then perhaps they're not the right partner for you. I'm a realist; I don't believe someone should get a pass for having a poor attachment style. They have the ability to learn, just like anyone else, albeit with a different learning style. A relationship is akin to a dance; you can either step on each other's toes or learn to tango together, or whatever dance it may be. However, it's essential for both partners to dance in unison and respond to each other's cues. Neither can dominate the lead, nor can they dance to their own rhythm. Cohesion is crucial, or it might be better to stick to dancing with yourself. Refuse to settle for breadcrumbs; you have the right to establish your standards for what you will and won't accept from him. You can assert your boundaries respectfully without being overbearing or encroaching on his autonomy. Finding a compatible dance partner can be challenging.

[@876tisha]

You know what I have realize with a lot of avoidant people. Whether friends or partners they all have a mother wound!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why do you think that why is it especially a mother wound?

[@marcus716]

Yes true. Mommy depending too much on the child to calm her and fulfill her needs. Proof: me

[@lr7032]

Absolutely the case with my avoidant. He parented his anxious depressed mother after dad left her. He also has a fantasy role play about seducing step mommy.

[@raspberrykissable]

That’s exactly what I’ve noticed. Both my avoidant partners lost their mother during teenage years and it really messed them up. I have done enough work on myself to not attract such men.

[@Aussie565]

I have noticed it too..mine had a very busy mum … 8 kids, alcoholic husband Then one son suicided at 18! And another in his 30s It broke her She became alcoholic He didn’t want to bother his poor mum The child had no one

[@amylowery226]

Im very regulated & calm when i talk to him. We've talked and ive told him simple things i think would help. Ive made lists, ive told him how often, sent him videos to watch etc. He acts like he wants to learn & grow with me, but he never does. Its quite literally breaking my heart. Im not asking for much. Go to church with me (like you said you wanted to) just once a month? Got to holiday gatherings & special events with me, just half the time, not even all the time. (He said he was a famliy man. Turns out his famuly is awful.) Make my bday & valentine's special (he said he was romantic) I made a list of things he could do in the bedroom, and leading up to, I said once a month, focus on me? He hasnt done any of it not one time! In 5.5 yrs, weve went in maybe 5 dates. Thays not even the important part. I just want to feel like i have a Life Partner. Instead, I feel totally on my own. Im lonely. Ive always put him 1st, been a total trad wife, loving, supportive, caring nuturing, porn star, all the things. I get nothing in return.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m so sorry you're going through this. I've seen your other comments too, and it sounds incredibly painful. I would love to discuss this in private and in more detail - I encourage you to reach out to me through [e-mail]

[@Victory_to_Ukr]

Why you are with this person?

[@olivejuice2024]

​@@Victory_to_Ukr if you don't understand how people fall in love then you'll not understand most of our experiences in these comments.

[@jan_harumi]

I'm open minded to information, however this sounds like a lot of effort on the part of the non-avoidant partner, when so often they've already invested so much love, empathy, time, understanding and can receive so little back in terms of affection, reciprocation, compliments, words of affirmation. There is something to be said for cutting your losses and saving energy for that person who isn't such hard work. The amount of time and energy the non-avoidant partner has to put into managing and soothing their own triggers is unreal. Its okay to say, 'no, this isn't for me, my emotional needs cannot be met by this person, they do not have the capacity'.

[@JuwanTV]

I cannot agree more. I began watching these videos b/c I was in a situationship with someone who appeared to be avoidant. Now, I watch them to remind myself to stay away lol and b/c I find them interesting.

[@VladaBalkanTales]

Precisely!! What if they are so deeply avoidant they hardly want to spend any time at all with you?!? This is too much effort for someone who is offering breadcrumbs in return, if even that!

[@ceicilebuonya7101]

@@jan_harumi beautifully said!

[@JustinaSmh]

Please more videos about 1) how to heal disorganised attachment style as a woman 2) how to learn to self sooth and self regulate?

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s definitely in the works and I’ve posted a one about disorganized attachment and how it’s affecting families

[@JuwanTV]

@@AttachmentAdam Can you make more fearful avoidant videos in general? I'm a male btw

[@user-un2vn8ck7g]

This could just be me...Ive not been on this channel for a few months. But I miss Adam's homey backdrop of bookshelves and the comfy blazers he used to wear. Things change, I get it. I'll adjust. Adam's knowledge is just as valuable. I just resonate more with the old, more down-to-earth format. Just sharing my vibe.

[@grabbelton]

No it is not just you.. Somehow I think this one is annoying to watch and the other new ones as well... Not watching video... I'll listen but don't want to see this.

[@BlakeAdams.]

I was actually thinking this too! I hate the blue background, it’s very clinical and manufactured. While the material will always be useful I think I paid attention more with the older background too, it felt warmer.

[@basantidevi2305]

I like the home vibe too.

[@hallelujah8141]

Totally agree with all of you on the background. Even if he had just a PICTURE of a homely setting (maybe like the background on his Attachment Bootcamp Course) it'd feel nicer. Maybe this has been done to make the presentation look more professional, when it's actually Adam's exceptional content that demonstrates his professionalism...

[@JustinaSmh]

Why do dramatic is literally the blue background

[@Babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy]

He told me that “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. you’ve loved me like no one has ever loved me before. I didn’t know that I could feel like this, I didn’t know someone could love at this level. Thank you for showing me what love is supposed to feel like. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for all you had to offer.” I had been in no contact for about 10 days at this point, I caved and responded to him saying that no one has ever loved me like he loved me either. Some other texts were exchanged and I sent some voice notes the next day, asking how his new job is going, and crickets. No reply after that

[@mixedemotions4032]

Just sad that people are very focus on the style and the background . I think the important is the message he is trying to convey for us to understand it better.

[@karmenmistry5385]

I've heard these words, I reacted, messed up, but when I began reflecting and understanding my triggers, I see the difference in my approach which in turn gets me a different reaction from him

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

100%. Their reaction is night and day depending on how we approach them. Calm and collected gets you much further with a DA.

[@Caitris]

I'm exhausted and confused. I've watched so many videos I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. 😢

[@Amoki86]

Start from yourself and what you're about, and build the life you want and can respect. Watching videos are great, but watch out for rationalisation. I rate Adam's Secured Attachment Bootcamp.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

​@@Amoki86I agree. Getting our own lives in order and focusing on loving ourselves and what we do is not only great for our well-being, but is extremely attractive. Staying in a lack mindset will never produce results in any capacity in life.

[@EgyptianGoddess]

Surrender ❤ trust God and the universe. Let this go… stop trying. Stop the effort. Trust that if someone is for you they will be yours. Love yourself as much as you love them. Relax. Trust that what’s best for you will happen ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@msgirl01]

What about resting? You think that'd help? Consider the rest work balance. And try to rest without guilt.

[@Orcabeats]

Accept it. Being overwhelmed and don't know what to do is very common;) After accepting that being overwhelmed can be disturbing in your body, your mind can become conscious and look for inspiration🌱, solutions or distractions;) Its your choice. Maybe this helped someone. Love and health🌻❤

[@JennyMvula]

Sometimes it’s not that he doesn’t understand what a partner means when they ask for safety, particularly one with anxious tendencies, I believe that avoidant men generally interpret that as “she doesn’t feel safe with me” and internally, that triggers the shame/defective wound that caused them to be avoidant in the first place. The biggest healing in my relationship with my avoidant partner, is when I separated and communicated the difference between what I’m feeling and who I believe he is as a person. I remind him that behaviors are not who he is, they are just programming and I accept that. Who he is will come out the more I call out and speak to the man at the core. I have to remind myself his behaviors are not a reflection of who I am or how he really feels about me. And giving him emotional freedom to go through the avoidant tendency process, the more he is able to give me emotional safety.

[@vivienchan]

I think I did what you said without knowing. He was not happy with the new job, struggled and his mind kind of strayed away. He is not a bad person he tried but he couldn’t manage his own unhappiness and so he said he could not really help but think he wanted another life. Which is not me or the children’s problem but his whole situation. After months of pressing on he got used to his job, which he still hates. But I signed him up, with his permission of course, to the parents’ trail walker group and he got to train for a race that lasts for like 30 hours. It was hard and this is his first time doing such long race. But during the process he became more loving towards me and the kids. He finished the race and felt such an achievement and kept thanking me. The question is then I need to motivate him to do more of this stuff to keep him sane. He has another trail running (not as tough just half of what he had to do) and a half marathon coming up. I hope he can keep his happy hormones going. I should have found you before that to save the months of misery.

[@majabergmann]

Yeah. That happened. He got so relaxed feelt warm and so on. But after that.. I guess it just was very scary. He chooses to shut down his feelings. And said that he might never be ready for this. 💔

[@AttachmentAdam]

And do you think he will ever be open to someone and be truly honest and that relationship?

[@majabergmann]

@AttachmentAdam I think he wants to. I think actually he really wants to. I believe also that he thinks that he can and will only have that chance with me. But he feels like he cant take on that work he thinks will be extremely overwhelming, and take him out of his life in a sense. We have a connection and a bond I can't really put In to words. So this would be scary for anyone. I don't know if he will. He keeps me at an distance and I have accepted it some time ago. I will just love him from a distance, and I accept that this just might be too much to handle. But it would ofc be nice if he would work with me. Let down the guard with me more. So I can show him I'm safe. But idk..

[@sumaiacosta136]

Now, I understand why my husband watches the same movie or series or soccer play over and over again. Lmao He wants to feel the same thing he felt when he watched it the first time

[@r_and_a]

it's also quite common for those of us that are autistic to rewatch things partly as the predictability is comforting but i don't know why you'd "lmao" when gaining insight about someone you're in a committed relationship with?

[@olivejuice2024]

​@@r_and_a that's what I came here to say - what's so funny?

[@marcus716]

What helped my avoidant attachment is knowing not everyone is like my parents (male avoidant here)

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, you better believe it!

[@ginatalent1881]

I wish I heard this when we could be saved... This describes what happened exactly. The downward spiral started and we didn't know how to stop it. We've been (very painfully, for me) broken up for 6 months...

[@CinnamonScent]

Here for myself. I have fearful avoidant attachment style. Not only, I am working towards secure but the reprogramming is a very extensive thing. Just had the insight 2 weeks ago or something and I am still in shock at how I never saw this before. And intrigued, it is interesting af.

[@sgbphotovideo6555]

My avoidant is having an affair with a married man. My brain tells me she is trash but my heart is devastated.

[@chereengodwin656]

Always helpful

[@Birdsplant]

Yes nothing beats sharing a purpose driven, God conscious relationship with a husband.

[@YolandaSapp]

This is too much I don’t have the time I want someone’s who’s more mature

[@r_and_a]

so why waste your time watching &/or commenting?

[@linasmith5848]

@@YolandaSapp seriously, pre-cook his meals? I barely have time to eat between work, childcare, etc 🤣

[@AttachmentAdam]

And what happened in your last relationship that make uou actually have this reaction?

[@JudyHill-x5s]

It seems it's almost impossible to get avoidant men to change. I think we need more coaching about leaving them and moving on.

[@anonymousnation5235]

Knowing this makes me want to go back to him and try again. But I don't think it'll be helpful now because it's been more than a year.

[@r_and_a]

fwiw, my DA partner & i (FA) were no contact for 18mo after only knowing each other for 6mo but reconnected 5yrs ago & 3yrs ago started transitioning from fwb to partners not saying this will work for or is even right for everyone but DAs take a lot longer to really experience let alone process a break up & can be quite loyal when they truly connect the best thing you can probably do is work on your own issues so things have a better chance of working out if you reconnect & you'll feel better even if you don't 💜 best wishes!

[@dant1724]

I desire this woman in my life and will attract her into this space to fulfill and compliment one another. 💜

[@jadedempath7453]

But who boosts us? -as the woman edited to add: we've been married 15 years, we have 5 children together and raised 1 of his other 2 children together as well. Ive chased his wants needs desires sense I was 20 years old. I'm not 35 with a broken hip that won't heal because my body is so physically sick and tired of living like this. He's borderline manipulative avoidance, and all the way MA when I try to talk about anything I need from him, even when I'm careful not to criticism. I so want this to work but I just don't know if I have it in me but he won't let me go. I have no finances he controls it all. I have no family or friends because I chose him over them. Ive given up everything for him and all is great as long as I am who he wants or expects me to be and as long as I dont require anything in return. I'm tired.

[@redemptionhappens7725]

He’s a narcissist not an avoidant and using you. Get your s* together and live independently for once. It isn’t hard.

[@JoNicely]

Well, this is an incredibly unkind response.​@redemptionhappens7725

[@suras8984]

You're 35 not 60yo. Im not saying to leave. But if you do you're still young enough to start over and find love with someone who would love to pour into you; or just enjoy being single and rebuilding your inner strength, energy, love, esteem. Also if you leave you could get spousal support. Remember Im not saying to leave because I do not know you or your situation. Aside from that You are still young enough to start making friends, call your family again. Start making connections outside of your home so that you can feel people pouring into you. Brian Scott youtuber has some good nighttime healing meditations that helped me when I was in extreme burnout. It helped me have amazing sleep and woke up feeling refreshed. 35 is still young!!!

[@claudiacastano7229]

If you believe in G-d the Creator, talk to him before going to bed and ask him for guidance, do this for at least 21 days and wait till you receive guidance in a dream or some time of insight you will have. Draw close to G-d and He will draw close to you

[@texasstardust6010]

..he is a Narcissist and manipulative individual... This is how they operate.... they WANT you to " choose them. OVER anyone else " as this is how they CONTROL EVERYTHING...including $$$$. You must start within yourself, and build on that. Get relationships thst will understand what you're going through... you need a SUPPORT SYSTEM. NARCISSISTIC People do not want you to HAVE a " Support System" If you have children, as you mentioned... THIS ENVIRONMENT WILL DAMAGE THEM IN WAYS YOU WON'T KNOW , until later. IT IS UNFAIR TO THESE CHILDREN TO LIVE IN THIS ENVIRONMENT.

[@AM-qr4ys]

thank you so much for this video. this is my exact relationship right now. this is the first video to explain it so clear - this is my life to a tee. my husband withdrawing from pills and “ isn’t in love with me. loves me but not in love”

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're so welcome!

[@flyingmushroom-l5v]

I wonder if you could do a video on what happens biochemically when avoidants actually avoid a situation and how the avoidance soothes or regulates their hormones ?

[@linnseybrenner5484]

The problem is with avoidant men is that they are not doing their part. Why would I put in more time with a man who chooses to see my value instead of enjoying my company and learning how to be present with another individual.

[@gloriaca4826]

Because, if you don’t come from an abusive and neglectful… trauma and danger filled childhood… you don’t understand what’s really happening with him? And because you love him?… and find this extremely sad… and want to understand him better, so you can love him in a way that makes him feel safe loved and understood? If this doesn’t make sense to you, and you don’t want to have to do anything… then you shouldn’t be with an avoidant… the relationship is never going to work… And you will make both of you miserable and unhappy…

[@AttachmentAdam]

So do you think that they should be doing the work to be present?

[@madhaviudawatta4363]

Hi Adam!What about long-distance relationships? What do u suggest to do?

[@ndndndnnduwjqams]

Please talk about avoidant women

[@AttachmentAdam]

I posted a video about avoidant woman however I will be posting more soon!

[@ddubs77]

@@AttachmentAdam yeah this is very informative but sharing with my DA woman would be awkward with some of the references and could trigger the wrong reception Maybe just make it more unisex? But always good information to absorb TY

[@olivejuice2024]

​@@ddubs77stop trying to control her reactions. There will never be a triggerless video world.

[@mindymeek2]

Or he says something like,"it would be helpful if I was taking care of myself well". This guy is pissing me off. I've done so much to create peace for this man, and he fucking squanders it all by trying to find a way to replicate it without me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

n this case, it’s important to communicate your feelings clearly and set boundaries while still allowing him space for growth. How does he respond when you try to do that?

[@mindymeek2]

@AttachmentAdam he binges screen time, makes excuses for being so avoidant, and tops it off by becoming preoccupied with a family members wife, I assume because she has big boobs. He's destroyed anything that made me want to be with him. He's a creep and he doesn't have a loyal bone in his body. He can enjoy all the space in the world, by himself. Unfortunately, men are far creepier today and it has a lot to do with the influence of watching porn. Not all woman are good people, but too many men are lost because of their own choices. No matter how nice he is, watch his actions, don't listen to anything he says. Even he doesn't know how much he will hurt you, but the excuses men make for disloyal behavior, they don't matter. He will always defend his actions, it's when he stops trying to protect himself 24/7 and starts protecting his woman, that makes him worthy. Anything less is not going to work. Men are not aware of themselves enough and lack EQ, so they will repeatedly hurt you where you have the most scars. No matter how much I think a guy will be different then my exes, I shouldn't be shocked or feel betrayed when he does the same shit.

[@meshasmessage]

I missed the Black Friday deal. When will you have another amazing deal oh How to love the avoidant man???

[@btwthblood]

THANK YOU!!! BLESS YOU!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

You’re absolutely welcome. Please let me know what other topics do you want me to address?

[@paula8mp]

I'm stonewalled. My messages are probably discarded immediately.

[@amylowery226]

Yes, i ask him sometimes, what can i do for you, what do you need right now? "Nothing " 😢 And hes even said its frivilous of him to let me do things like that or him. Which says to me, that he thinks its frivilous for me to ask things of him 😢. Like hold me, massage me, help me with this or that

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s important to let him know, gently, how this makes you feel-like you’re being pushed away or that your needs are being dismissed. But also, try to approach it with empathy, recognizing that he may not know how to accept help or affection in a way that feels safe for him. How have you been able to communicate these feelings to him? Do you think he would be open to exploring why he feels this way?

[@juliam3980]

Are all these videos assuming that the man leaves the home every day to work and the woman is keeping the house and supporting him? What if the woman is the breadwinner? Hopeless situation?

[@2780-l2k]

“In or Out of love”= lust state Or Limerance/Obsession: none of which is healthy, long lasting commitment. A choice has to be made to focus on good, positive, and attractive qualities, not being and focusing on negative, to excuse cheating or be a low value person and just use everyone around you. People lack character examples I feel and therefore lack character in a serious and deep way.

[@Vosoros]

Does this advice hold when you flip the genders of anxious and avoidant? 🤔 If not, do you have a video for that?

[@mattmcintyre7083]

Regardless of which sex is anxious and which is avoidant there are 2 things that MUST happen or the whole relationship is pointless. 1) Both people need to acknowledge the ways in which their attachment style is damaging the relationship. 2). Both people need to work very hard at not only correcting their destructive behaviors but also healing the underlying trauma that lead to the formation of their insecure attachment Style. The chances of getting the avoidant partner to do this are slim, even if their partner is very secure. Anxious partners need to understand that nothing makes an avoidant person want to stay away more than an anxious person trying to get them to be closer.

[@EgyptianGoddess]

Hi Adam ❤ could you make a video about how to navigate with an avoidant before there’s a commitment? I’m dating on and off for over a year! We get close and he runs… he sends mixed signals when I start moving on he pops up and shows interest. I am exhausted. I love him but I am scared I’m wasting my life over something that will never be. Thank you

[@Ivyctoria]

@EgyptianGoddess did that for 4years and a half. It's not gonna change. Just run away. Life is short.

[@heatherbosshardtmusic]

Focus on healing YOUR attachment issues and everything will be so much better, no matter what happens! You will be secure, then you’ll know what to do!

[@JustinaSmh]

1,5 years here... Lol ..

[@r_and_a]

​@@heatherbosshardtmusicabsolutely agree! also, it'll actually likely increase chances of things working out with the avoidant as they tend to feel safer when seeing your growth but as you noted, even if it doesn't then at least you're still more secure 💜

[@Aussie565]

Ive been instinctively doing the back rubs... daily (an hour yesterday), scalp stuff.... its NEVER (2 years) been done back to me! I have had terrible trauma too... I dont feel safe. I dont have the wherewithal to keep DOING while he accepts being looked after

[@evawebster1518]

Stop it. He's using you.

[@Romiegirl-jq4rj]

God it all sounds so exhausting. All about him and it’s like what about me as well? It’s a marriage, not child rearing. Kinda hard to connect with someone who gets defensive, won’t sleep in bed with me and has basically no interest in sex. Sleeping and video games seem more important while I take care of our whole household and life. And I have to give more? How about men learn how to be good husbands and treat their woman like an actual wife and not his personal maid and maybe I wouldn’t have any “emotional outbursts”. Step it up, problem solved?!! Don’t breadcrumb and give minimal effort and they would see a whole new world and wife. Maybe I just need to give up all together.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds incredibly frustrating, and I completely understand why you’re feeling exhausted and at your wit’s end. How do you feel about talking to him again about how you’re feeling, or are you at the point where you feel like you’ve already said everything you can?

[@amyjomoore9390]

Yes, true!

[@Liv-181]

last night we cuddled in bed and held each other in silence it was so nice 😊. Is that what you’re talking about ? I thought he fell asleep. But he told me he wasn’t asleep so he was just holding me. ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely! That's exactly what it means to bond - you're both releasing oxytocin (the love hormone) when you're cuddling.

[@Liv-181]

@ awesome!! We didn’t talk but it still was so nice and felt good. Maybe next time we can talk and connect more while talking to each other during cuddles but laying together in silence was amazing

[@MonicaAmaral-j6k]

Adam, I did that, I helped him with the daily tasks, with the his children, I try to help him and work as a team at home, for him have less work when he got home, and so that he could rest more. I was confidant, affectionate, attentive, and now he tells me that I'm a great friend, but that he lacks fire and desire (that initially existed) And he don’t want to do plans as a couple. Is this the end? What did I do wrong? Is it possible to solve this and safe my relationship?

[@evawebster1518]

He got bored with all this attention and affection, and is taking you for granted. You need to withdraw your "services" ASAP. Don't wait. Dump him first.

[@jaidelgado6786]

Do supplements for GABA help avoidants?

[@amylowery226]

Also, how can i get Him to ask Me, what can i take off your plate? How can I help you? Etc

[@lizflurquartz4189]

I'm really enjoying the content on this channel, especially the science and anecdotal aspects. I'm not sure I'm ready to take a class yet though because it might trigger my partner's sense of independence. He just pulled away again recently and I'm trying to only text him once a day and work on my own self regulation. Hopefully in the future though.

[@MoqiiZK]

What about helping a woman with an avoidant attachment style?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I will be definitely doing another episode about that however did you watch the first one about avoidant women?

[@RConnelly]

I listened a few times but I still didn’t hear exactly what to do, I can’t do anything that helps him and if I did he wouldn’t notice or appreciate it. I work too🤷🏽‍♀️

[@AttachmentAdam]

And what are you actually looking for? if you need to ask me specific questions please watch my live tomorrow and ask away

[@OG_zennedout]

Ok after listening to this I am very clear what happened in my relationship. The only thing, He feels very comfortable lying to me. Does that mean he's a narc & avoidant?

[@olee457]

Problem is he got the oxytocin connection with me. Told me “I feel so peaceful with you,” but he felt like “something was missing” in our connection (dated 3.5mo) and I think it was the dopamine/addictive-feeling cycle that he considers “love.” So I couldn’t give him that passionate butterfly crazy feeling I guess. Just the peace :/

[@AttachmentAdam]

And was that what he was looking for initially?

[@olee457]

Good question. The beginning was totally open - We met in the wild while we were out dancing with our friends. So there were no expectations from the beginning…We seemed to click instantly, and he kept pursuing me for regular dates and we became exclusive but not official. Things progressed for 2+ mo and then he hit a wall and pulled back. When I brought up the ‘where is this going?’ convo, he was “conflicted” and didn’t know if he was ready to move into a relationship, so I gave him some time to think, and the conflict remained, so I walked :/

[@chanmonymiller1698]

Can you please do more videos on how to heal an anxious attachment? Your channel and podcast focus pretty heavily on avoidant attachment, but you've said elsewhere that in an anxious-avoidant relationship, the anxious individual usually has to heal first. Tips on that?

[@FromClutteredToClassy]

What do you do when you’re still in the dating stage and saving s-x for marriage?

[@doroparker1702]

You don't want to have this experience for the first time in your wedding night. It would be very stupid to find out your bodies are not compatible after you got married. If it is a first for both, okay, wait for the wedding night. If you can't get along at your early twenties, there is still the chance to getting a divorce. You look very mature on your profile picture so you have some experience from at least one decade. Makes no sense to wait until marriage. Is this a game for you? You want to lure a man into marriage? You are obviously not attracted to him. If you are not attracted, don't marry him. If you are attracted, enjoy your days and nights with him. He will not cancel the wedding date just because you didn't wait. You had experience before him anyway, isn't that so?

[@r_and_a]

if you're asking about the vasopressin bonding, there's a playlist covering that which includes non s*xual ideas such as doing jigsaw puzzles, putting together furniture, playing co-operative games, etc i'm sorry the other response was so ridiculous, rude & frankly wrong, lol, i've been given multiple people's virginity & *never* "found out our bodies are not compatible" 🙄 your profile picture looks lovely btw

[@hspinnovators5516]

​​@@doroparker1702that's insecure attachment brainwashing from red pill culture. The best marriages statistically are more successful when waiting. Compatability can be learned as it's not static

[@LexiGailMusic]

If you’re in a sort of emotional situationship with an avoidant and you’re stuck on their terms of engagement, how do you approach a DA in that pre-commitment space?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I think you should definitely revisit my Situationship video because it talks a lot about that

[@LexiGailMusic]

@ thanks!:)

[@luciagoldfarb5003]

How does this applies to disorganized (fearful avoidants). Does this work the same way?

[@r_and_a]

as a FA with complex PTSD (like many of us) i can say some of it certainly fits for me, *especially* bonding through vasopressin before oxytocin since it's a less triggering way to create more safety

[@honeyyork1337]

I still haven’t figured out if the man I most recently dated and I’m friends with is avoidant or narcissistic or just from an older generation. Even more important, I’m not sure if I’m an anxious or avoidant or both depending on the situation. I was married for 20 years when he left to be with someone else. I have not had a consistent long-term relationship in over 10 years. My assumption is problem starts with me. I have a history of dating men who are narcissistic abusive alcoholics. The most recent man is not an alcoholic. I think he’s all about control though I am curious to know what your thoughts might be.

[@hilarycorfield]

Hi there, I have just missed out on the 60% discount, will it be repeated in January?

[@basantidevi2305]

Can you go FA men and anxious men? I never hear on anxious men.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That is a very interesting topic and I’ll make sure to add it to the list!

[@mawusivivor5546]

Only God has that amount of dopamine, enough to make my man love me consistently. So be it in Jesus’ name. Amen

[@AttachmentAdam]

And why do you think that?

[@2780-l2k]

Then why does he continue to sabotage, attack, demean, and create distance when I show love, try to do projects together, connect with him, share what I appreciate about him and see in him?

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

None of that sounds appealing to an avoidant. It sounds like trying to force the connection rather than things flowing slowly and naturally which is what they prefer.

[@jeromewesselman4653]

@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope lol um yeah unless the avoidant's partner is the one whose idea it is to let things flow naturally. The millisecond the avoidant realizes it's what you want, his or her uncooperative disposition rears it's ugly head, as if on cue. 95% of success is showing up. It takes 95% of a non-avoidant partner's energy to bately get a 5% show-up rate from an avoidant (unless of course the partner loses interest, then prepare to get smothered!). If the psychological wound mechanism detailed in this video is correct, two things are 100% certain: 1) avoidants are essentially incapable of loving behaviors unless 2) said avoidants make and follow through on a commitment to a strictly supervised behavioral therapy regimen over years' time.

[@2780-l2k]

@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope Interesting. I am not the one who love bombed though. I am not the one who said I love you first. I am not the one who initiated sex after getting engaged. And according to Adam, doing projects with men and encouraging them genuinely and being sincere in support, is what releases vasopressin and creates bonding experiences.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

@@2780-l2k yes. At the beginning of any potential courtship, both parties get excited and a bit silly over each other. If an avoidant comes in interested and you're reciprocating the interest then it's not exactly lovebombing. It's them being excited and looking forward to exploring the person and seeing that the person is interested back. They haven't been triggered yet so all of their cards are on the table. In any relationship on the planet, one person has to initiate to get it started and one person has to say I love you first. As for what Adam says, yes those things can work for particular dynamics. Not everyone is the same nor do they share the same interests. If the relationship is already going well and you bring up something of interest for you to do together then yes, that can help. But from reading your top sentence "sabotage, attack, demean and create distance" it sounds like something bigger and showing love and doing projects together likely won't solve that.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

@@jeromewesselman4653 there's truth to that first part. Avoidants seem to be more comfortable in the chasing mode rather than being chased. I'm a fearful avoidant and there has to be a balance. I don't like extremes on either side of the anxious/avoidant spectrum. The last part is not exactly true for all avoidants. I'd say there are coaches who will say this, but many avoidants are perfectly capable of self-reflecting and healing with time and with a partner that shows up more secure. I've been with my DA going on 4 years. At the beginning, we triggered each other's core wounds and had to figure out how to get on the same page and I even had to leave for a long time to heal my own attachment. When I came back in more secure, he relaxed into the relationship. All of the needs I have he meets and is now more emotionally expressive than I am sometimes. This isn't black and white.

[@AnnetteKorn-r9p]

My husband & I are divorced but we talk & get along & even have PI. I think he has gone through a midlife crisis, but I also think he is an avoidant attachment. I want to reconcile he’ll call me he’ll come over he’ll text. I don’t know how to implement these tactics so he will fall in love with me again.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great that you're getting along and have a positive connection with him even after a divorce. I'd be happy to help you get more clarity on how to implement these steps, and share more. Feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] and let's discuss this in more detail.

[@evawebster1518]

What's PI?

[@crushynn90]

Can you talk about how to connect with an avoidant adult child?

[@AttachmentAdam]

That is a very good topic and it’s definitely added to the list

[@beepbopboop3221]

Um, that went sideways!

[@marcus716]

20:09 YES take notes ladies

[@KD-hy3bi]

Ok so how does this happen when they ran from the relationship and moved 2,000 miles away? 🤣😢 The answer is, it doesn’t happen. He’s gone forever. Happy new year everyone. Fml

[@nathalecoo]

I wonder how you view friendship with avoidant exes?! By an accidental twist I meet my former situationship partner in the gym weekly, and he is super nice, approachable and friendly. It was him who approached me for chatting and light flirting first time. This seems so odd given that he was the one who broke up (in fact just faded away until I confronted and he gave me the answer that he now should be looking for something serious, as if the casual arrangement was my idea 🙄). Is it because the pressure is gone that he feels relieved and gets friendly? I can sense the mutual attraction is there still.

[@r_and_a]

wouldn't be surprised if you're correct, another AT creator i like says "DAs fall in love in your absence" because they operate in their "feelings minus their fears" my current DA partner & i (FA) were in an on/off again situationship of sorts for a couple of years when we reconnected after 18mo no contact, everytime we'd get too close one of us would pull back thankfully i discovered AT & started not only understand each of us better but began becoming more secure as has our relationship 💜 best wishes with your personal development!

[@nathalecoo]

@@r_and_athanks! I myself had anxious attachment for a very long time before I got aware of it thanks to these videos and a book about AT. I can see how difficult you might have had it! Personally, I am most afraid of fearful avoidants, that up and down mood is way too much for me. Dussmissive avoidants are at least easier to read 😅 But they do need more reassurance, persistence and reliance than an FA can offer I am assuming.

[@r_and_a]

@@nathalecoo most of my close relationships have been with DAs & while not a representative sample, i mostly see fellow FAs being who speak empathetically about DAs online whereas APs appear to struggle a lot more relating to them & considering how AP behavior also contributes to problematic dynamics yet center their own needs/etc it seems some of the major needs of DAs are actually being able to accept them taking space without making it personal, especially as they fall in love during your absence 😉, which understandably seems to be far easier for FAs since we tend to experience similar reactions to the pressure that APs can inadvertently put on others idk why you'd assume FAs can't provide what DAs need but that's certainly not my experience. anyone can be "too much" or "not enough" for a particular individual & it's good to be aware without condemning an entire group imo. i find APs generally draining & self centered but take each person as they are & try to use AT to better understand than judge

[@seabee3097]

This comment is for posterity; Over 100k subscribers!!! I really hope this channel explodes and I am very excited for the future!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for that. It means a lot to me.

[@linnseybrenner5484]

Why do I have to renew the love.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Because if you really care for him and you want him as a lifelong partner, maybe you need to do that don’t you think?

[@MonicaAmaral-j6k]

adam, can you help me? I don't know if he's already distanced himself too much and I've already lost the chance of recovering our connection. he's insisting on taking things in a way that's safe for him, and he's insisting on his comfort zone,(distance) and he want that I accept that. I would love to take this another way, (how it was at the beggining) and build a healthy and balanced relationship. But now I haven't even had him reciprocity to sit down and talk.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Have you been able to express to him how important it is to have a conversation about where things are going, or is he completely closed off to that idea? It could help to clarify where you stand

[@MonicaAmaral-j6k]

@@AttachmentAdam I ended up talking. I told him that I don’t like the days when he be out of contact for so long, because I think it's important to have emotional closeness. I prefer to feel him present, that would make me feel include in his life, and part of the team we are. He reacted badly, saw it as a demand, and says he doesn't do anything on demand. that to be on good terms with him is not to pressure him, and not to demand him.... I replied that it's fair for both of us to say what we like more and less so that we can both be happy together. But he became more distant again. Any ideas on how to get out of this pattern? It seems like it's either his way, or it's not... I would like some help or a recommendation that could enlighten me 🙏🏻

[@MonicaAmaral-j6k]

@@AttachmentAdamis it possible he distanced himself so much that he nullified some of the feelings he had for me? When we are physically together I don't feel that …. But… What can I do?

[@MonicaAmaral-j6k]

Adam, should I give up? I don’t know if he cares for me, if he likes me…. He seems so indiferent sometimes

[@johnthursday2]

My super sensitive fearful avoidant girls broke up with me because is "too much" she we left with a "see you later" and crying and kisses till the last steps at the airport, i am destroyed, i am learning so much, i was her first boyfriend, i am not contacting her to kot put pressure, i pray she comes back while i learn, Adam, do you have any suggestions?

[@brendabenitez7359]

Don’t chase her

[@NM-ej1lp]

How do you this in a long distance relationship?

[@r_and_a]

which part? some things that have helped my ldr with a DA include: - emphasizing my desire to co-create an atmosphere of safety & curiosity rather than judgement, especially if i have requests - similarly, focussing on positive reinforcement for what i *do* want as it's less triggering/more effective than requests which they can use against themselves - beyond the above positive reinforcement, ensuring i express somewhat subdued specific appreciation in general - proactively assuring them it's ok if they need space when i notice they seem to be deactivating or know they have stressful stuff going on - vasopressin bonding through "team" based games & seeking their advice on things followed up with figurative "high five" when it works

[@evawebster1518]

@@r_and_a But what is he doing for you? One-sidedness is not sustainable.

[@暗香晚风]

[@BloodbathMcGash]

Adam if your avoidant monkey branched and moved on should you even bother trying to get them back or just let it go? This is the second time it’s happened and I think it’s over for sure this time just wondering what I should do if she comes back around again.

[@Joanna.Swiderska333]

❤❤❤❤😊

[@linnseybrenner5484]

All the time you talk about how women need to do this and this to make it new. At this point doing all this work is not love. I am not a mother I am a woman with needs.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You should definitely watch my other avoidant videos as I’m talking a lot about that

[@cindyvandermerwe316]

My ex is NOT high performing man but he IS an ASS, Im moving far away from him in Jan and he constantly tells me he wants to come with, MUST come with, etc etc. I go out my way to try help him find a job etc, just to be ignored, then 2 weeks later rinse and repeat. I am being destroyed in the process so I am done! Cant do it any longer. In Jan we will live 1500km away from one another… time to move on

[@AttachmentAdam]

And what was his reaction to that?

[@cindyvandermerwe316]

⁠@@AttachmentAdamoh he is ‘apparently’ still coming with. Determined then not then determined then ghost, then oh no Im coming blergh

[@Arquebusier89]

Would I fall in love with an avoidant women? No, never. Not when I am in high value position. 🥺 I have seen a KZbin couple (a channel based on the life of a couple), now that I learnt attachment theory, is so fitting of an avoidant woman and she did big f up. Ten years into relationship, for the girl to cheat on the husband with his friend on KZbin video more than a decade later! It’s sickening, the good husband tried so many things to buy her expensive stuffs yet she felt nothing.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

How does anyone feel a connection through buying expensive gifts?

[@stellabandante2727]

You have no business giving advice to anyone. Your insulting switch from trash talking avoidants to to vilifying anxious women just to get attention and clicks has destroyed any credibility you formerly had. Your cartoon depiction of the avoidant/anxious relationship is simple minded bullshit.

[@lisamiller7143]

The avodent i was with, had a wife once and kids,, so i assume he once maybe new what love was

[@nathalecoo]

He might have become avoidant after the bad experience with marriage?! Attachment styles are fluid and more common that we change according to experiences with life.

[@r_and_a]

marriage & kids don't always indicate there was love, let alone a healthy relationship

[@uzernamex]

Thanks Adam 😭😭😭😭❤️‍🩹

[@ristogayer]

How can I do this with a friend who is avoidant?

[@nathalecoo]

Trying to become a couple you mean? Maybe it is easier to get close as friends and build some attachment without them running away!

[@ristogayer]

@ I mean how can I fix and also bond with one of my closest friends who is avoidant? Our attachment styles seem to be creating a lot of stress in our friendship.

[@TS-zl7wl]

Always hoping, but disappointing every time. So 50s' approach 🥱

[@876tisha]

You know what I have realize with a lot of avoidant people. Whether friends or partners they all have a mother wound!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

A Mother wound that is really interesting. How did you know that?

[@hspinnovators5516]

I can definitely see this

[@SuetmuiNg]

@@AttachmentAdammy avoidant mom dead at his 21