The Avoidant Secret Behind Every Breakup!

[@kbc1883]

In listening to this, I now understand I handled the break up "right" and it was the BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life! He broke up with me, I stayed cool, calm, we discussed things and got back together. And then got married and spent another miserable 5 yrs together in a brutal intimacy anorexia situation. If I had acted like I felt during that first break up rather than meeting him where he was at, being so calm, cool, collected, supportive, etc. I would have saved so much pain and misery and maybe even had the opportunity to meet someone else and have children before it was too late. As it is, I never got that chance because I wasted too many years on an avoidant man who never wanted to make any changes.

[@TS-zl7wl]

Spot on.

[@tszling713]

What I've learnt from them is that no matter how much you compromise, a small gesture or grand gesture, they do not appreciate you as the way you want them to be. They have their own standard, do not compromise easily and will take you for granted. Now if you confront them, telling them how they ignored your emotions, they may apologise but will still defend themselves and then push you away. To them, relationships are always about winning or losing, even with the loved ones. This is so sad. I am not grieving over the end of the relationship, but people like them are in a loop of self sabotage. They can never find peace within themselves if they haven't developed self-awareness.

[@MonicaKM111]

100% agree

[@lindamolyneux3536]

Yes, that is so sad.

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Maybe don’t use you statements. No one else is responsible for our happiness. No one else is responsible for our emotions our attitudes or our actions. Only us. I’ve heard it said for an avoidant. They have a shot class to give. If you need a pint to feel full you gotta go to other places outside and of your relationship for that.

[@andreatorluemke4982]

The real truth is that you’re feeling hurt and uncared for when they don’t do x. You can ask them to do that and state calmly how important it is for you and why and that you are willing to meet their needs too. They don’t understand enough to trust that you will be reciprocal. Of course you’re not only in this for yourself. You gotta break it down like that. ❤

[@UknowBo22]

This has been super sad for me!! However, I've already made it up in my mind before watching this video today 08/15/2024 that is they ever tried to come back, it's an ABSOLUTE NO FREAKIN WAY!!!!!!! I was so devastated & at times I still cry & yell outward towards them, but of course they aren't anywhere near or around me, thank God! Been broken up 1yr on the 29th!

[@lindagonino4486]

I’ll be avoiding avoidants from now on.

[@EnzoIsabella]

Dangerous ppl

[@carcarbinx98]

@@EnzoIsabella I mean, you could say the same about anxious attachment

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

Anxious attachment is dangerous😂😂😂😂😂 u avoidants are better at deflecting then NPDs

[@coach-piotr]

@@carcarbinx98i would not be so sure. Dealing with needy people is just annoying. Desling with those who avoid you is simply painful

[@EnzoIsabella]

@@carcarbinx98 yes

[@jojochara6352]

I had a brutal break up with an avoidant man a couple years ago. Staying calm really is the best thing you can do for yourself. He blamed me, twisted virtues into flaws, whatever he could dig into (even bringing up my past hurts and saying I was a red flag for them even happening to me) At certain point I realized he wasn’t negotiable and just told him I trusted him. He was stunned and questioned why I trusted him, which still puzzles me to this day. But I stayed kind, thanked him, and we never spoke again. Being respectful and never chasing and letting a person go who wants to go, is the best thing you can do in this situation. The silence is the closure in it’s self.

[@CeeP211]

I agree. ♥️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's admirable that you were able to maintain your composure and dignity in such a challenging situation. How have you been able to move forward since the breakup?

[@bezza2005]

Couldn't agree more true true. 😢

[@LivyWithWhiskey]

@@jojochara6352 wow, it is so validating to hear that someone else shares my exact story

[@aselyne5631]

I am here now it hurts

[@MaryWong-pn6zm]

I just saw my avoidant from a distance. I had a rush of anger and sadness. I had to walk away to maintain my composure. He looked happy. I felt it was so unfair after what he put me through. I knew in that moment that no matter how hard I would try, it would never be normal. It's too hard. A healthy relationship is equal give and take. I choose to be in a healthy relationship.

[@lextalklight]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@pollyannakarina]

I saw my Avoidant almost a year to the day last week since she totally blindside broke up with me with a short phone call. She was sat with a friend outside a restaurant yards from my home (she lives 20 miles away). I'm not sure of her motives for being there but am pretty sure it was for me to see her. I think she was checking up on me, as I have maintained No Contact and curiosity got the better of her. She knows she really hurt me and she was maybe there to check if I was doing okay. As long as I say "I'm doing okay" that is. She wouldn't want to hear the mental anguish I've been through because... she's Avoidant! Plus, it wasn't really the forum to do that, in public, with a friend of hers who I'd never met before. I think the friend was there to act as a "buffer" on her part, should things get awkward. In a split second decision, curiosity got the better of me and I gestured if it was okay to join them. It was... strange. She was so different with me, sharing a couple of memories was like describing them to someone who wasn't there at the time. For me, there is a rich trove of treasures memories to draw from but the couple I pulled up fell pretty flat. She really got me with "And how are you?" which is a question I struggle with from anyone, but from her I just folded and mumbled something about still working at the same job, which was an evasion and also sounded pretty pathetic. What I have really been like is struggling mentally not just from the break up but way she did it; from out of the blue, no discussion, decision made for the two of us by her, and a refusal to even talk about it a couple of months down the line, when emotions had calmed down. Crushing. The strangest part was how hard I found it to look her in the eyes. A friend said it was natural as she'd wounded me. I had wanted to see her "just one more time" many times in the last year and now I have. I'm sort of glad I did as it has given me a bit of closure; no going back. She isn't a bad person, but she is pretty selfish when all is said and done.

[@UknowBo22]

@MaryWong-pn6zm I'm sorry you still go through these hurts. I know exactly what you're saying bc I'm actually very afraid to see them, especially with someone else being all happy!!! I will have to leave instantly bc that's the only way I'll be able to control my mouth!!!!!!!!!

[@WahkeenaSitka]

This video is an EXACT step by step breakdown of what happened in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about a year and a half ago. We were together for about 2 1/2 years. The first 5 months were amazing, and then the drop off happened by month 7 and then I became more and more lonely. I've never felt more lonely than I was when I was "in a relationship" with my dismissive avoidant ex.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found this content validating and that it resonates. How has understanding your ex-boyfriend's avoidant attachment style helped you process the breakup and move forward?

[@LoganStyles21]

Yes 1000% correct

[@coping_in_copeland_coper]

@@AttachmentAdam your responses are extremely canned and ungenuine sounding adam. perhaps don't even bother if all the times you respond to anyone its a canned PC response.

[@bigthangz5489]

7:01-You think avoidants TELL you when they want to leave. NO!! You're being too kind. They sneak out. Try 2 manipulate & sabotage the relationship so they can sidestep the guilt of knowing that they ended a relationship that was suppose 2 progress.

[@lisaraper8053]

Mine did not tell me. Just started ghosting me. One day he’s all in with I Love You! And now he’s gone. Again. This time Nada. Zilch.

[@Loversinadangeroustime]

Yup! Sounds about right.

[@michellepackman1484]

I really appreciate you outlining some metrics to tell if something has potential. I really love my partner now. He’s such a sweet man. I feel so bad that he is afraid to feel a deep connection, and the times we have talked, he has stayed calm and serious. I know I’m making him face this and work on it by being myself and being kind to him. I wish I could crawl into that little cave in his mind and hug the little child who didn’t get what he needed, but just like people with NPD, they have to save themselves. It just takes so much of our time as empaths. So much of my life waiting. I’m sad for both of us.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your empathy and understanding are honestly wonderful. I understand how challenging it is to witness someone you care about struggling with their emotions, especially when you know they're capable of deeper connection. How do you envision your relationship evolving as your partner continues to develop and fix their attachment style?

[@BowAeroMusic]

@@AttachmentAdam (this is my other account) It's easy to envision a future through the lens of fantasy, I think even my partner is more prone to it than I am. Knowing that he doesn't always mean the really nice things he says after we've had some space has made me pull back my enjoyment of the good times so I don't get hurt. It's hard for me to picture a healthy and happy future without laying that expectation on him. I think I'm really concentrating on the present, and my first realistic objective would just be to get some of the more deeper bonding going. Honestly, the thing I'd love most is just to be able to have eye contact with him without things feeling weird. Just that basic thing would make a lot of this more bearable. If someone can't look you in the eyes, it's so hard to not think it's you.

[@MonicaKM111]

I hear you as en empath also but this is not a happy life for you. I couldn't do it even tho he was kind and nice. Could not meet me where I needed him to. If they can't/won't do the work on themselves they will never change and we empaths will be the ones who suffer and self abandon for them.

[@katwoman8595]

@@michellepackman1484 sometimes love is not enough. You are betraying yourself if you continue to wait, hope and give to someone who isn’t willing to do the work. It’s rare that an avoidant actually will. At some point you need to let go of the fantasy that this will work and put yourself first. Staying and excepting breadcrumbs will deplete your self worth and mental health. Surrender to the truth and move on 🌞

[@MF-se1zl]

I agree 100% . I hung on for 28 years thinking we were making progress. One day out of the blue he just discarded me . The pain was totally overwhelming! Now 4 years after I'm grateful he took the step and set me free.

[@bezza2005]

Absolutely true it's called stone walling. Amongst other horrible abuse they inflict. No accountability or responsibility at all shift blaming. Come On this a a little boy in a grown mans body. 😢

[@jsing1212]

If the avoidant doesn’t do any work. None of these methods work long term. One sided relationship

[@AttachmentAdam]

Correct, a relationship requires two proactive people who want to work collaboratively. Thats true no matter what attachment style is present. What signs tell you a person is willing to do this work?

[@jsing1212]

@@AttachmentAdam Appreciate your work Adam.

[@kathyterese7054]

I think that’s part of the avoidant profile - they don’t do the work. Always blaming their partner. Absolute refusal. Been married to one 37 years. I gave up trying

[@taylorbee4010]

@@AttachmentAdamwhen the avoidant shows up. Repeatedly. Predictably.

[@franceslynn5537]

I totally get it. My DA didn't do anything to better anything

[@ForrestMystic]

"I can't be the man you want me to be, you deserve better." Yup, that's it. He had told me how happy he was with me just 2 weeks before. Talk about getting the rug pulled out from under you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What were the signs, if any, that something was wrong before he said this?

[@ForrestMystic]

@@AttachmentAdam I probably should not have stayed when I found out he was still friends with the ex that cheated on him. I think a part of him will always love her and not be able to resolve what happened. A lot of his issues that aren't from childhood come from her, they were together for 10 years. (We dated 2 years after this relationship ended, it wasn't fresh, but I wasn't aware at the beginning that she drifted in and out of his life when she felt like it.) But I don't do ultimatums and we talked about it. He also started to get distant after I had asked if I was going to be meeting his family at Thanksgiving, since we had been dating for 3 months at this point. I was calm and he was calm. I said I was happy we could discuss things calmly since even asking for what I want makes me nervous. He let me think I was going to meet them and left me the week before Thanksgiving. The Distance he said work was getting crazy and I believed him and tried to give him space, it was a crazy job. This was the first time we broke up and we did get back together next summer, I know more now but there won't be a 3rd time. I told him so when we got together for the 2nd time. It's been a year now since the second break up and I don't know if I can date again. The first 3 months were wonderful and I've never felt so connected and understood.

[@ForrestMystic]

@@AttachmentAdam I had asked to meet his family at Thanksgiving..it had been 3 months, seemed time, and since I work in the medical field I work alternating holidays.... I knew I would have thanksgiving off but not Christmas....you have To plan on this field, or you never see anyone. He said that makes sense, we'll see. Then work suddenly got busy (which is legit for his field). I don't think he could take that step just then. We eventually got back together, the next year, I did meet them, but it just prolonged the inevitable.

[@jenniferjamison-lq9vn]

The smartest thing to do is run and count your blessings that you don’t have to exist in a relationship where you’re forbidden to display authentic emotion. Only other avoidants work within this dynamic. They are the ones that need the help. A healthy person would welcome authenticity, regardless of what that looks like. If you need a strategy that’s inauthentic to who you really are, you’re with the wrong person! This sounds crazy to me! You will spend all your time trying to hold onto something you don’t have because of their inaccurate perception of things due to the fact they are seeing through trauma lenses.

[@Jackietreehorn-z5e]

My ex gf was avoidant. Wonderful woman who I had to part with. It's mind-numbing how they can make you feel. Never had an argument in over a year of dating. She was also a flight attendant. Never date one. Flying is the best job to have as an avoidant. Miss her each day, but I moved on. I hope she's well. This guy's explanation is spot on.

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

I tried honest and open communication and they don't want that.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Some do not, that's true. They have to also be willing to work with you. What did they do instead when you tried that?

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

He said harassment. Made a complaint about me. ​@@AttachmentAdam

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

He never came back. He just took all the time in the world to himself ​@@AttachmentAdam

[@randideelancaster9904]

Mine wouldn't talk to me said I was too needy so I became independent and than he changed his mind and wanted to leave because I didn't need him, you can't win, even when I said ok, leave there's the door he changes his mind and is only doing it as a power play, they want the upper hand. Don't bother with their head games

[@LD-sh4dj]

from my last experience, and from the stories I've read online, I tend to think a lot of them really just want sex without commitment....DOPE, BABY....DOPE! 😩

[@jennysrp]

Sounds like the anxious/secure partner needs a saintlike level of discipline and patience while the avoidant doesnt do any work. Im glad i watched this it made me realise just how much work ive put in only to be undervalued and genuinely not seen by the avoidants i want to love. I couldn't understand the actual level of turn off they experience when they shut down but now i do and that helps. Im not here to convince anyone to care about me.

[@silvana.ximena]

I broke up with my avoidant a week ago (I did my best to self-regulate while doing so) because I was exhausted after months of trying to make the relationship work (individual therapy, I showed him your videos, better communication, getting rid of my anxious attachment). Sometimes it felt like I was doing all the work because his effort was love crumbs for me, and he wanted more time to "heal". I wasn't willing to wait for him anymore. After a few days he claims he's made a mistake and he wants to "prove" that he wants me back. I love him, but I'm not sure I can trust him anymore. I'm really hurt and disappointed; I fear he does the exact same thing again. Edit: we were together for 6 years.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like a great time to set a list of conditions you'd need to see met as proof of his dedication to change BEFORE you engage in any relationship behaviors with him at all. 90 days of dedicated change with no physical contact and no emotional bonding, with regular check-ins. If he's serious, 90 days will be well invested in his own growth and in helping you trust him. If he's not serious, 90 days will break the illusion.

[@LD-sh4dj]

@@AttachmentAdam curious.....why NINETY days? Sounds BRILLIANT....just wondering how you arrived at that number? and....how do you define "regular check-ins"?

[@silvana.ximena]

​@@AttachmentAdamI truly appreciate your reply and all the content you share with us. THANK YOU.

[@Amoki86]

@@LD-sh4dj neuroplasticity = 8-12 weeks for changes in the brain to set in and hardwire

[@MF-se1zl]

It's not going to be the same . It's going to be worse! Don't trust him and just run for your life.

[@CarlosHenriquez-u2n]

At the initial discard, without knowing this information, I did stay calm about it, had an honest calm discussion which did help temporary but that fear for them was too overpowering, I started getting that indiffetent cold slow fade which triggered my anxiety more and more they pulled away until my breaking point 2 months later, after the breakup the pain of abandonment continued until i discover this content several weeks later, the more i looked into it, the more it helped me cope and heal and let go, lose that hope of them coming back and you will truly begin your healing journey, keep pushing forward

[@AttachmentAdam]

The realization that you've been manipulated and gaslighted can be incredibly painful, but it's also empowering. By identifying these tactics, you're taking steps to regain control of your life and build healthier relationships in the future. How are you coping with the emotional aftermath of the discard and the realization that you were in a toxic relationship?

[@hallelujah8141]

Just as you said, after about 5 months of 'we're not a couple' (even though his closest friends felt we were) he said, "Go and find someone who can give you what you need"

[@JessieTheGinger]

Mine said the same thing and everyone thinks we're dating. People have asked if I was his girlfriend or even his wife! Lol but he always tells them we're just friends. I've decided to just be friends with him since he's always been my best friend

[@hallelujah8141]

Yes@@JessieTheGinger, one of the waitresses in the restaurant that we go to every weekend (with his parent & his closest friends) was recently extremely shocked when I told her we weren't married. This week, I've started to distance myself. Not even sitting opposite him at the restaurant as is usual. Although it's hurting me, I have to do this. I need to take him at his word, even though he told me a couple of weeks ago that he tells 'everyone' how very much we have in common. I'm due to start some coaching with Adam this month, but to be honest, because of how my 'friend' is behaving just now, I think I'm going to have to admit defeat. He's absolutely in denial of having an attachment issue, even though it's as plain as the nose on his face, so I'll just focus with Adam, on my own (very much healed) Anxious Attachment, so that I can be more securely attached. There are two other men in the picture who are interested in me, who can't comprehend 'my love's' reticence. They don't understand about attachment styles. My heart isn't free to even CONSIDER starting anything else with either of them, even though I HATE being alone...

[@cleopatrajones7096]

Adam, thank you. You’re saving relationships on here. I applied this video tips to my bf and couldn’t believe he didn’t know what I was offering him. I thought it was obvious. You’re helping me get into his head and become a communicator. Thank you. I can’t believe it. You’ve been guiding me throughout this relationship and it’s been interesting. I stayed calm and level headed even after we apparently broke up. And said I disagreed with his assertions and said I’d give him space. Turns out it was on whole misunderstanding. But you helped me! You helped me communicate even ideas I struggle articulating. I can’t believe it. I know people throw vitriol at avoidants but I love them to pieces. I love how loyal they are in relationships. I’ve never liked being yelled at and avoidants don’t typically raise their voice. I love that. It’s hard but it’s worth it. I grow so much as well. To become a better communicator and a kinder person. Thank you, Adam 🙏🏽. I’d almost dare to say you’re doing Gods work. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your kind words are truly appreciated. It's incredibly rewarding to hear that the information shared has been helpful in navigating your relationship. Your ability to maintain calm and apply the strategies discussed is a testament to your strength and resilience. Again, I really appreciate your kind words and feedback, and I wish you all the best! Feel free to reach out any time through [e-mail] if you need support or guidance.

[@micahwright5901]

I’m very happy to see a graceful perspective in this comment section. I’m trying to better myself. I’m also sorry for any pain he’s caused you by not understanding. It’s not fair and I don’t want to be that person anymore.

[@Shannonatorrr]

While this information is very valuable, i still find myself angry that the emotional awareness, growth, and regulation is completely dumped on the partner to learn and manage. How about "how to build a successful relationship as an avoidant person"? Both people need to be aware and learn strategies to communicate and make decisions, not dump it all on one partner to do all the emotional work.

[@manuelchouza4282]

That's easiest said while you are on the avoidant side. Reality for some more normal people if you'd like it is just a mistake that they made by being nice to a person that ended up unfolding all these ugly traits and even at a much later time. Not every one is an expert in attachment styles while meeting one and there are so many unknown questions while in the relationship. while in the end understanding the avoidant makes you grow your compassion towards them, it is once again all in one side and brutal. Because they do not make ever a real effort in really trying to understand the other side. so that's why we call it a bit Evel, that is what Adam is explaining towards the end of the video and those mean responses. Just one last thing here it is not just boys that can be avoidant, there are plenty women out there too with such traits

[@markguidera7563]

This comment is spot on right.

[@dvegas]

Even though I'm anxious, I'm the one who has stated to manipulative avoidants that I can’t give them what they want. That's because what they wanted (not showing up on time, honoring committments, snapping at me when they are upset) I found abusive. I cannot be someone's emotional punching bag. And after watching your videos, it seem that I've interacted more with the manipulative avoidants rather than the ethical ones.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sometimes you actually CANNOT give someone what they want, this is true. Using it as an excuse not to connect is something else entirely. You're using it correctly as a boundary!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Setting boundaries and refusing to tolerate abusive behavior is crucial for self-preservation and shows your strength and resilience. How do you envision building a healthy and fulfilling partnership in the future?

[@randideelancaster9904]

You can't give an avoidant what they want because they are constantly changing the goal post. Even when you do give them exactly what they want like"space" they see it as you don't care, you stop needing things suddenly they are desperate to be needed by someone 😂 their goal is chasing that dopamine. Even if it means getting rid of you

[@dvegas]

@@AttachmentAdam Boundaries 💯 and also not taking things personally. I recently met a very nice new friend who I think is ethical avoidant and am letting them come to me after I make some minor check-ins. We spend time, they take space. We get closer, they take more space. I’m nice about it and let it go.

[@jenautumn214]

Thank you Adam! ♥️ I couldn’t agree more! I did the same thing with my Man. I am calm and regulated that’s when he leans in to listen if I need to say something. The key to being with an avoidant man is to be self aware of your attachment style (I am a healing anxious ) and self regulate! The more I am healing the more boundaries I have. It’s either he will respect that, lean in and feel safe or boy bye! 🙃 My healing anxious hearts friends… YOU are the most important person in Your life right now! You should come first before your avoidant partner! And see how things unfold! Peace! All is well! ♥️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Bravo, and well said. Taking ownership of your feelings will buy the goodwill of most avoidant people (the ethical ones, at least) and can unlock the conversations that both sides need to have. It starts with self-regulation and healthy conversation.

[@drfareehafatima]

Love this ❤ positive comment

[@miami4005]

Adam, you have the best advice I've ever heard. Controlling ourselves to be calm in control is imperative. It's easy to blow up but better not to

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words and feedback. Emotional discipline and regulation are absolutely crucial. What strategies have been the most helpful for you?

[@Irisi13]

I had this. For over the past 5 years we have gotten really close, known eachother for 20 years, we were best friends. And 6 months ago he told he he didnt want a relationship and has been pulling away. Sitting next to him if feels like a huge energy shift. Like he locked me out. We hardly text now. And even though I told him I'm ok, we don't have to be a relationship, It just feels like he's pulling away and only. I know myself as an anxious attached, so , I just gave him his space. Everyone keeps asking me things like when is the wedding, how long we have been together and I just wanna cry. I guess u can't lose what you truly never had. 😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. The transition from a close friendship to a more distant relationship can be incredibly painful, especially when there's a history of shared experiences and expectations. It's understandable to feel confused and hurt by your partner's withdrawal. Have you considered having an open and honest conversation with them about your feelings?

[@Chris-hz2bw]

Questions? My avoidant hated being asked questions. Asking questions resulted in severe emotional disregulation.

[@ajmosutra7667]

Yes! Mine had a panic attack over a serious talk

[@LivyWithWhiskey]

Hmmm yeah a 30 min guide on how to be there for your partner while they’re breaking up with you? With a minefield of steps to take just to hold on to the sliver of hope they’ll maybe stay another day? I made it about 20 seconds in & realized that’s ridiculous lol waaaaay too much work. The irony is they’re the ones that think everyone else is too needy 😂 Just go find a secure. It’s not worth it, dudes. The currency for these crazy ‘relationships’ is your self esteem! You just become burnt out from catering to their needs all the time and become some sort of weird emotional slave & then it’ll be “your fault” for not “holding boundaries”. There’s 50/50 odds you find a secure and my life magically got easier as soon as I did. Learn from literally anyone in the comments!!

[@MonicaKM111]

100% agree. they slowly kill your soul.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Thank you for saying this. Relatable.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

Thank you for this reminder!

[@TriggerTravels]

Bahaha getting the avoidant to sit down and talk about soemthing? Good luck!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I understand that it can be incredibly challenging, but consistent and patient efforts, along with understanding their perspective, can sometimes yield positive results. Would you like to share your experience trying these strategies?

[@stevetroxel7195]

@@AttachmentAdamisn’t that the definition of therapy? If they’re not even their yet why waste our time. I think mine did make some progress in our 1 year relationship because as a semi secure person I instinctively used these methods. You can plant the seeds but they need to water it and nurture it too.

[@MonicaKM111]

Sorry but the avoidantly attached are the selfish ones. Worst relationship experience of my life. Soul killing. Never again. I'm not anxiously attached, secure but he made me so crazy feeling. I would not want to be/stay with someone who cannot meet the basic level of my needs - be able to openly communicate and have a mutually emotionally mature and reciprocal relationship. If someone decides to quietly "leave" the relationship and seek attention of others because he has no integrity to have a conversation - sorry there is no saving of the relationship. Was not willing to do any work on the relationship despite saying he wanted to. lies.

[@Samantha-ji7iw]

@@MonicaKM111 Yes. This is what I have learned also. Had no clue about any if this. I thought I vetted well enough for a genuine person but not well enough.

[@aliyahadaanni]

It's a road to nowhere.

[@jewelvercoerainbow8225]

Best description of this toxic relationship dynamic. Love is actually pleasurable with a partner who's willing to reciprocate and communicate. 💞

[@dcr6389]

5-1/2 years with an avoidant, it was fairly mild until the last 6 months when it became a serious problem, so I ended it. I wish I had known what I was dealing with earlier

[@AttachmentAdam]

It seems like those last 6 months had a negative impact on you. I'm glad you were able to prioritize your wellbeing. What was the most challenging thing in that relationship?

[@flutist581]

Just listening to this video is exhausting. Sorry, but love relationships should never be that fucking difficult.

[@LD-sh4dj]

LMAO.....that facial expression around 18:43 "you are bonding with him during a break-up"......PRICELESS! 🤣 I'm actually going to try some of these new behaviors with another female who is resistant to my love & care in our friendship.....the dynamic being VERY similar to that of the relationship with my last avoidant boyfriend, although it may have something to do with the fact that she's on the autism spectrum and my style of communication maybe TOO much for her. You're amazing ALS....thank you!!! You are the REAL DEAL in a sea of "experts" on YT. ❤🙏

[@LD-sh4dj]

Also....I have a name for what you're suggesting: "be curious, NOT furious". It works in ANY conflict situation.

[@cricket77166]

This specialist is brilliant. My fav of all

[@thendebele]

He’s really good… 😮😅

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate it!

[@Hope-fv3kf]

You have brought clarity to years of not understanding WHY.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help! Was there a specific 'a-ha' moment you experienced while watching?

[@Shiney_one]

I was a textbook avoidant 😔 and I can honestly admit that in my experience what he says is true. If a man I've dated had done these "techniques" I think I would've stayed. But it's hard to speak to the past. Regardless... I was equally ignorant of these concepts (and like attracts like). When I started pulling away, sadly (and I understand a little better now why they responded this way), they would get very very upset and really emotional (which is rare for them usually because I date masculine men/alphas), and then they refuse to respect my need for space. And even resorted to name calling and accusing me of wanting to sleep around! Which was false! I just needed a minute to breathe and they thought I was "breathing" with another guy. I just needed a minute. One moment of time to stop the panic and find out what was really going on in me. Unfortunately, their healthy and/or unhealthy responses seemed to push me away. I've dated some pretty amazing men... and as he stated in this video, when they got upset at feeling me pull away, it's like I couldn't get away fast enough. The more irrational and emotional the conversation moved, the quicker I found myself pulling away! But honestly, I can't speak too much to the past nor what I could've, would've, should've done. I can say I am wiser and practice secure attachment! I appreciate these tools. And I still have some work to do on calming myself when I feel the need to run away and avoid. Thank you.

[@MariSunshine21]

Yep, same. 5 mos I am still trying to get back to my confidant self before I met him.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m so sorry to hear that. What’s the number one lesson you carried out of that relationship?

[@joannegild8001]

I have been with an Avoidant for 3 years. You are not describing our relationship at all. He love-bombed me for 3 months, then suddenly withdrew. Trying to figure this out, I learned about attachment styles. I always stay calm and matter-of-fact with him. If I state what I would like and he says I’m making up a lot of B.S., I calmly say this is how I feel and I’d like him to respect that. I don’t expect him to change in any way. But I would like more affection and intimacy, and I can’t see that happening.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It seems like you're in tune with your emotions and exhibit a deal of emotional discipline. How did the love-bombing phase impact your emotional state and decision-making?

[@BrittnyFontanezAOz]

The fact that you said if a avoidant tells you “I can’t give you want you want” bruh! That happened in my last relationship.. they wanted to stay friends and I said I don’t do that. I left and never looked back and I been so proud of myself for never going back. Lastly it wasn’t a on and off relationship. It was one time break up and I told myself I need to be happy with me right now! I am happy to be alone ❤

[@agi.kitchen]

Wow this is gold because to ❤ someone who’s “got issues” is old school values - my folks still together 50yrs and this is the kinds of advice we need

[@AttachmentAdam]

I appreciate you sharing your refreshing perspective. Thank you!

[@lisaraper8053]

He has said I don’t know what you want with me and you deserve much better than me. He was my best friend before we both claimed to have feelings for each other. He doesn’t break up. He runs away scared and ignores me. Then he usually returns. Saying I should know why.

[@miami4005]

He told me he can't give me what I want. But cane back,then cycle continues. Ugh my brain

[@AttachmentAdam]

How did you react or respond to him coming back?

[@lucid_747]

The way to remain calm, whether you're breaking up or staying together, is to zoom out and look at the big picture (get some perspective). Everyone has flaws including this person, so no one is "perfect" for anyone. Looking at the big picture, you can see that if this doesn't work out, there's so much more to come in your life, so many more people to meet and many more things to do. The last thing you wanna do is chase someone, especially someone who needs to be chased to stay with you, which would definitely promote misery in your future. Let go and let God situate you best.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is such a wise approach to navigating relationships, but sometimes when people zoom out, their partner is still in the picture because they want to continue their life with that person. How do you balance the desire for connection with the importance of maintaining personal boundaries?

[@estelled389]

Ghosting will leave you broken and batterd beyond belief .

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you've experienced this firsthand. How did you cope and recover?

[@asafselevanay1330]

the thing is with avoidant they never communicate that's why most people don't know how to deal with them. In childhood communication hurt them that's why avoidant won't communicate. Avoidant do go undetected in relationships and end up hurting good people and hurting themselves after the reach to guilt and regret stage. Start reflecting on if they made right or wrong decisions.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Many of them are afraid to communicate for fear of backlash, that's true. When you speak their language and help them understand you want to manage risks together, many will try to work with you. Have you ever seen an avoidant person do this?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. The root of avoidant behavior often lies in past experiences where communication led to pain or rejection. While their actions can be hurtful, understanding their underlying challenges can help foster empathy and compassion. That's why it's important to learn healthy communication skills and emotional regulation skills. What strategies have you personally found helpful in communicating your needs and expectations to your partner?

[@asafselevanay1330]

@@AttachmentAdam The thing is I have never dated someone like this before or any idea what avoidant attachment or behaviors mean prior to breakup with this Asian girl. Even though i study human mental illnesses and behaviors. As well working in behavioral health care for 12 years. Never in million years would have thought or understood how deep and dangerous avoidant attachment really is. Avoidant can go undetected with their charming love bombing, act of generosity, sexuality and communication through texting. Until they reach to their thresh hold fear of emotional intimacy that's what where they break the glass out of blue hurt their partner. Leave them with confusion, grief, loss, and PTSD. They would not even apologize or show ramose.

[@roxyjohnson5112]

My avoidant ran off and wouldn’t speak to me. I ended it because I don’t want to be with someone like that. There’s no fixing another person.

[@phun1901]

You should clip that brief description of avoidant attachment style into a short. The best summary I've heard in a long time.

[@Neja.Speaks]

Great content, definitely much more insightful and, above all, unbiased which is crucial for actually understanding this dynamics. Thanks for sharing ❤

[@CJHayes-fx6ws]

Just happened to me last night after 10 months. Everything was great between us, with intimacy, patience on my part, granting space as needed. It shocked me. I think he feels he isn’t good enough for me. But I love him as he is.

[@kookiebnice]

The hurt and sadness I feel is like nothing I've ever experienced though I haven't dated alot. He and I met 2.5 years ago and we had 2 break-ups which included blame shifting, ghosting, passive-aggressive behavior and push/pull which had made me anxious. The last straw was me sending a sweet little message of getting no response at all when we spoke that very morning. This came right after a nice date but also a conversation about how he was emotionally neglected as a child was discussed. In my frustration of not getting a text response, I told him that I couldn't bear the hurt anymore and walked away. He never responded even when I text him a couple of days later saying, we shouldn't keep doing this... A month later for my birthday, he sends me and my daughter on an expensive outing paid by him as a surprise. He called to wish me a HBD but still talk yet of our ending over text from the month before. Now for the past 2 days,.he's been coming to the gym that we both go to and has been working out within feet of me where we are literally walking past eachother. I'm confused as to who is in NC - me or him??? He's very nonchalant about the entire thing - he's a DA. What gives???

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It seems like you're in an incredibly confusing and emotionally draining situation. The inconsistent behavior from your partner is creating a great deal of uncertainty and pain. Has this experience impacted your self-esteem and trust in relationships?

[@kookiebnice]

@AttachmentAdam it does cause me to question people's intentions and when it comes to getting in a relationship, I can't even think of that since I haven't come to a point of finding closure with this one.

[@adelg6698]

Brilliant advice! Thank you 💕

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful! Did anything stand out to you in particular?

[@jennahudson3420]

I’ve been in a relationship with an avoidant detachment personality for 7 years. We don’t live together and see each other every weekend. I’m doing a lot of things right and there’s the bond and closeness but the idea of living with him scares him. But we’re working through it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What strategies are you currently using to work through it?

[@DavidMartinez-qy6sn]

My father taught me to be very stoic. My woman is an anxious avoidant. After we lost our first child, things have been complicated, to say the least. This is to say that stoicism presumably mistaken as calmness helped me to save our relationship from the brink of failure during heavy conflict. This man is telling the truth 💯 .

[@aselyne5631]

Is it an equal give n take though

[@cangrejitamiry]

So you are the dismissive avoidant then? Oh bravo.

[@DavidMartinez-qy6sn]

@@aselyne5631 We are working it out.

[@DavidMartinez-qy6sn]

@cangrejitamiry I would say I'm the codependent one in the relationship. The stoicism is what keeps it in check. Most of the time, I wrestle with it alone. Tbh, sometimes I feel like no one knows me, and many times, it can feel like no one would ever except the emotions I keep to myself. But in my brain. I chalk it up to being a man as my cope.

[@DavidMartinez-qy6sn]

@@aselyne5631 We are working through it. She cares.

[@honeyyork1337]

I believe the words were I can’t satisfy you. He meant exactly what you said. How sad.

[@chris_robertson_pt]

This is exactly what happened with my ex. It's like you've spoken it out word for word exactly how it went. 😬 I think I'll avoid avoidants from now on. (No pun intended.)

[@estherhalter-rauschert5887]

Could it be that an avoidant is also narcissistic? My Ex first lovebomed me and after the first little fight, he downgraded me and a treated me with less messages. When I tried to talk to him, he didn’t pick up the phone, then he texted me I would disturb his peace and I got the silent treatment. He‘s 62 and said he seemingly was sooo in love with me. I don’t have any time and energy to coope with this kind of games. I said now Ciao 👋🏻 to him, but I’m wondering about the personality he showed me. Perhaps someone can bring a little light on this?

[@jewelvercoerainbow8225]

Yes definitely also narcissistic. Mine too.

[@clal1590]

When they don’t care about your feelings during the break up - showing no empathy, disdain, disgust and contempt, you say it’s a terrible match. Does that mean that this behaviour is just towards me and another partner may not trigger this in them?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Some people may have difficulty managing their emotions during stressful situations. The overall health and dynamics of the relationship can also impact how a breakup is handled. Do you know what led to such hurtful behavior?

[@clal1590]

No, I was blindsided by the contempt and disdain during that last conversation when I stayed overall calm and regulated. He said he wanted to be alone and that he didn’t want a relationship because it makes him anxious (we were in a relationship for 2 years). I shed a tear or two but stayed calm and he retorted “crying, crying, always crying.” I stayed no contact after and he called 3 weeks following that last in person conversation. He called like nothing happened and was incredulous and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to “be friends”. Found out he got together with someone else a couple of months after which exploded. Still grieving the loss and very sad and confused.

[@chilloften]

Thank you so much for this valuable & professional conversation. It absolutely fascinates me.

[@gregroxburgh9235]

Literally just described my lasy relationship, except I ended it after deciding I'm not going to be the one doing all the work. Even if you give your 100%, that's still only 50% in a relationship.

[@dandepaz9431]

I love you’re videos I just experienced a breakup after 5 years relationship just before I proposed to her and she got cold feet and ran away - and because of your videos I now understand that she was an avoidant person, I am now giving her the space she asked for but I really hope one she will come back so I can use your lessons in our relationship. So thank you for the awesome videos

[@heidithomas2361]

“I can’t give you what you need” is exactly what he said to me. 4 months later he tells me he wished he did things different, I asked him and he said “talk about what I was feeling before I pushed myself in a corner.” Felt a little hopeful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It seems like he reflected and became more aware of his behaviors. Did you decide to give him a chance or was it too late?

[@heidithomas2361]

@@AttachmentAdam I asked him one of the questions you suggested about if there were any conversations he wished we had. He read it and we’ll see if he responds. I love this man and am 100% willing to work with him being an Avoidant.

[@MF-se1zl]

After dealing with avoidants we settle for little.

[@manuelchouza4282]

You're a legend, I wish I would have seen this video 6 months ago. Great stuff. Thanks, 🙏

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m glad you found the video helpful. Even if the timing wasn’t perfect, it sounds like you’re ready to take these insights and move forward, which is a huge step in itself.

[@manuelchouza4282]

@@AttachmentAdam yes the saddest part of the story is when there are children involved and you didn't learn this on time. The second conclusion there is, to avoidants family does not mean the same thing to those who come from a traditional family, and yes I have to say I don't like when I hear ppl saying "but in some cases people stay in families even if they don't work". But even so assuming the context is not catastrophic, the teaching of values that kids will get by both parents being presents out waves anything else that a child without parents together receive and the traumas that the child will develop. I am referring here to avoidants that come from separated parents. So to me that is the moment that child develops the avoidant patterns as a consequence of abandonment by one of the care givers and potential busyness of the parent that took custody, as it seems to be the norm that women take most of the custody and with a full time job these days, good luck on that child receiving the right emotional support. My 2 cents saddly

[@karasmusic123]

Brilliant questions. Bypasses the defenses.

[@ceraroberts2691]

I have never watched this channel, nor have I ever heard of this guy, so when I watched this video it blew my mind! I avoid relationships like the plague......I've always equated a relationship with getting hurt, costing me my peace, etc. (its mommy issues.....and I'm female😂😂😂) Im telling you, at 54 there was one relationship in my life that lasted 10 years and it lasted because the guy was totally chill and did everything this video discussed. The minute I decided it was time to go, he didn't throw a tantrum or try to manipulate me. He told me he loved me and I could have as much time as I needed to take care of myself. It blew my mind!! I fell even deeper in love with him at that moment than I already was. It was the best relationship I had in all my years. Things didn't work out for other reasons, but to this day he was the only guy who I didn't feel suffocated by.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your story highlights the importance of compatibility, respect, and emotional maturity in relationships. It's inspiring to hear about a partner who prioritized your well-being and allowed you the space to grow. How can you identify potential warning signs in new partners to avoid repeating past patterns?

[@ceraroberts2691]

@@AttachmentAdam oh, I can pick up on red flags a mile away. It doesn't help that I work inside a prison with all those psychos 😂 To this day I have no interest in a relationship because I spot one or two things that set my alarm bells off and it's over. I know how hard it was to do my own work, so when I see a lot of BS I move along. I didn't break them ......I can't fix them. That said, I really had a great one for 10 years 😁❤️

[@abigaila2024]

Everything was going well, we had some issues, talked about them and figured out how to make everything work. Things were moving forward. Then he disappeared for a week. When he came back he said things weren’t easy for him. That I deserve so much more then he could me and more then his been giving. He said he doesn’t feel like I should endure what his going through. I responded and told him I understood and wished him well. Everything literally just came out of no where. I spoke to him 1 morning and I was suppose to come over and then he just disappeared for 7 days. I gave him 2 days and reached out, then another 2 days and then on the 7th day. By the time he reached out I was over it. We spoke since then but I haven’t said anything about it. Now I’m in no contact. I would love to work things out but I don’t know if I can keep being going through this. Especially since he disappeared on Christmas. I was so devastated and I never been so blindsided like that before. I’m stuck between having compassion for him but also feeling so devalued.

[@Shalom277]

Hi Adam, you just described my wife of 19 years of avoidant behavior in our marriage. She's still, to this day, not affectionately loving in our marriage. From the beginning of our marriage, I tried to communicate with her about these issues with no success of any changes. Our marriage is in the process of ending. Her avoidant behavior with other behavior patterns has left me alone, suffering from depression and anxiety critically. In hindsight, if I knew this was going to be a major issue in my marriage I would have left years ago. Lessons learned: don't stay in a marriage if the person isn't willing to take accountability for why your relationship isn't emotionally healthy.

[@AttachmentAdam]

19 years is a significant investment. Have considered all possibilities before making a final decision? If you're willing to give your marriage another chance, feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] Ultimately, I encourage you to take the time to assess your options carefully and make a decision that aligns with your long-term goals.

[@lademonhunter]

This is the most helpful video of several I’ve seen today let alone this week. Thank you so much. I really think I’ll do my best how to finalize this breakup. But honestly my emotional side is beyond this toxicity st this point. Married 2 months and it’s over. Oh well. I appreciate this video. Thanks so much.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Ending a marriage after two months can be overwhelming. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, and don't hesitate to reach out. I'd be happy to help and offer support.

[@LizaJane]

“Yup I can’t give you what you need” 3 days after asking me to be his girlfriend. Unhinged.

[@AttachmentAdam]

In your opinion, what do you think it was that triggered this change?

[@LizaJane]

@@AttachmentAdam not sure if he decided this before my birthday but the only “conflict” we ever had was I told him I was hurt that he didn’t make my birthday then he broke up with me the next day.

[@interfectus99]

@@LizaJane yup. Mine asked me to be his girlfriend 3/30 & just broke up with me. And I have a pretty secure attachment style but I finally had enough and that sent him over the edge and he pulled the plug

[@BreannaPhillips-s4z]

I am naturally an avoidant person and I am learning how to override it.

[@BreannaPhillips-s4z]

This was exactly what happened with my ex and I.

[@a.d.b535]

Ive almost never been able to get near a real convo as you suggest, unfortunately, though calm.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What are they doing that prevents it?

[@AttachmentAdam]

What happens to get in the way every time?

[@a.d.b535]

@@AttachmentAdam Not sure. He just doesn't give anything proper gravity or seem to need to discuss further after a very short calm exchange. I forget his exact words but he would often change a serious convo by saying something like it's all good, and indicate the convo was done, then put on a big smile. Once I did the same, just dropped the convo and turned my face into a smile to match his as if nothing ever happened. He seemed to like that but it felt mechanical. Odd. I mentioned to you not long back he got a puppy and that became our shared project and was working wonderfully until the condo commandoes forced him to give up the lab when he got too big. He loved that dog, gave it all the affection he never gave me. He cried for days and weeks after, but put the dog in the rear view mirror and carries on. The dog went to a great local family. I was such a good dog trainer my ex was impressed and I believe gave us a common mission and ex loved me more during that time. He said he'd never had his heart broken till he had to give up the dog and sadly it doomed us not having the dog (distraction) any more. Now he's seeing an ex more and more, which unhinged me, so I finally left 2 days ago, feeling the writing on the wall and not wanting to be a sucker fool.

[@a.d.b535]

​@@AttachmentAdamhe cuts the convo's short before we've gotten too deep into it by saying okay but not allowing the convo to go further, changing the subject and saying let's just have a good evening. That happens with light conoi's. Like bringing up anything that needs addressing gets a couple minutes and it's discussed. He was visiting (or something) repeatedly with a past GF and wouldn't stop so I got more anxious and he chose her over me although it doesn't appear he is pursuing her. He showed me the door due to my anxiety, but I often felt like an option. It was as if making me a priority was too much to ask. He sometimes referred to it as the princess treatment. His main relationship is actually a guy friend and they are joined at the hip. I can't overcome the hurt from his real mom who left the family in childhood and 2 stepmoms that followed. His guy friend represents the closest bond he had which was with his dad. It's a long story I know. I left and in a relationship with a man who deeply wants a woman in his life. We'll see.

[@kaboomie0unnie]

My avoidant after 8 months, first begging me to stay and promising me change. Then few days later I felt like he blocked his emotions totally. "I think you will be tired of being with me in long run" "I can't give you what you expect" (he mentioned things he promised me by himself not something I myself demanded anyhow 😅), "I'm usless to you or anyone for now until I calm down and become myself again", "it feels like suddenly someone clicked the "turn off" button in me"

[@AttachmentAdam]

This sounds like a complex and painful situation. The inconsistency in your partner's behavior is undoubtedly confusing and emotionally draining. How did you respond or react to him emotionally withdrawing?

[@kaboomie0unnie]

@@AttachmentAdam Sadly I was hit with such a confusion I started to demand explanations. Why did he promise me so much one day, and then closed off and changed few days later, almost immediately. At that time I wanted to leave him but he convinced me. He said he doesn't know himself why this happen, he doesn't understand and that he needs time alone and maybe we meet in the future if I will have no one important in my life. But at least honestly he said if I pressure him more he will close off even more and will say nothing. Saying "you're attractive women, I don't wanna stop you, you grab many men attention" sounded like getting rid of me suddenly instead of saying that in good will. I considered myself secure attachment (well at least in the past). There was too much "saying one things doing another' on his side and too many lies. That's why I wanted to leave.

[@unterdessen8822]

It's not just a phrase to get out of something: I (f) can't give men, what they want or need. So I avoid relationships altogether. They're pointless.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Out of curiosity, what do you think men need that you can't provide?

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say they're pointless?

[@unterdessen8822]

@@AttachmentAdam Mostly sexual stuff, that is nowadays considered mandatory, but not my cup of tea. I've never really been into sex with a partner anyway, because I kept waiting for them to bring these things up (hypervigilant in general), and they inevitably did, even though I was very transparent about my dislikes and made it ABUNDANTLY clear from the beginning, that I wouldn't "want to try it" at some point or just "settle into it", if they initiated it. I don't have a problem if they go to a professional to get these things, but mentioning that doesn't help; they usually think it's some kind of test or trap. Due to age now diminishing looks, which further narrows the pool I can choose from - and as you can tell from my sexual limitations, that pool has always been a very shallow rice bowl anyway. Relationships are pointless from my POV (not saying that's the same for everyone) because none of us gets what they want, and I'm not only dismissive-avoidant, I also grew up among people with 2 different Cluster B disorders, so... that's the type I tend to involuntarily attract, although I've been doing my best to stay away from them. I quit having relationships and sex, but that didn't stop the narcs. They weaseled their way back into my life as "friends". I've become better at spotting them, and I take precautions. Some of them have been in place for a while and have also worked for me when I was still dating. For example, to avoid narcs I shut down everything that looks like romantic gestures; I've done this since I first learned what love-bombing is. Sadly I still run into narcs. They can sense that I'm damaged goods, I guess.

[@grey.the.ranger]

I kid you not these were the exact words my partner said to me not 3 days ago.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am so sorry. How is it going now?

[@grey.the.ranger]

@@AttachmentAdam well I stayed calm and have remained calm whenever we are together. We have communicated openly talking about the past few months and the disconnect. I want to approach her with the option of working things out and pretty much doing what you said in the video. I have been struggling with my regulation in the times between but have been utilizing my brothers and am coming up with a plan to get better and regain control of my emotions as this was the main thing that lead to this break up.

[@theresakrupicka4499]

@@grey.the.ranger same for me. The video came a day too late.

[@anacontreras4548]

I tried this yesterday. He "couldn’t give me what I needed". I asked for more communication. Silly me

[@AttachmentAdam]

Were you able to set the specifics like how, when, and how often?

[@anacontreras4548]

​@@AttachmentAdam Yes. I asked for one daily text. A 'thinking of you' text or a call. We live an hour apart and can't see each other frequently.

[@thendebele]

@@anacontreras4548Be honest…. Can you really do with one text from a person living an hour away?

[@anacontreras4548]

​@@thendebele do what? Communicate? I just need some type of contact a day. A quick text, a call. Heck, I'd take a GIF. I just want to know he's thinking of me. If a call isn't feasible I expect something. A text is 2 secs

[@thendebele]

@@anacontreras4548 Same here! Im currently getting nothing. I decided to draw a boundary and call it off...

[@GinaSz4]

Damn. What an eye opener..... I wasn't calm and collected when he broke up with me and now I understand what happened. I need to just let this go.... He ain't never coming back.....

[@AttachmentAdam]

Letting go is never easy, but it’s often the healthiest choice when someone isn’t right for us. If you ever need support or guidance as you navigate this next chapter, I’m here for you. Feel free to reach out at [e-mail]-I’m committed to helping you find peace and move forward with strength and clarity.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

This really speaks to the conversation my dating partner and I had just a day ago 😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear that. How have you been coping?

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

@@AttachmentAdam I’ve been journaling and talking to friends. I’m sad it might be over but I also knew all along that it probably would not last forever. He’s been a blessing to me but he is scared I think

[@leerivenbark]

All this is so spot on...tragically avoidant

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this resonated. What are your biggest challenges right now as an avoidant?

[@emmaleechase613]

1. Can you do a video about your MFT education and training experience? 2. How did you get into this line of education and training? We don’t have many MFTs in my part of Canada. (SE Ontario) It’s not an allied health profession with which I’m particularly familiar.

[@HotRodHarley06]

I finally went NC after talking to her on and off. She stonewalled me when I attempted to meet face to face. Trying to allow her time and space to feel safe. I held her in my arms while she cried at the moment she started the slow fade telling me she couldn't do us anymore. She discarded me via text.

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

My avoidant ghosted me without a trace. Apparently I was not reasonable when I expressed my needs - “over thinking too much”, “don’t be so serious” etc. So really they didn’t love me. I was just used. The last time I saw them they lost a lot of weight and looked good - I guess to find younger women. (He was going through a mid life crisis as well) I need to let go and find it so hard. I don’t want to chase them. I already feel like I’m unwanted and never loved. I sent them a long message expressing how I felt and never heard from them. I don’t expect them to ever come back. There won’t be a boomerang moment. It’s the second time so there’s that.

[@garychen9831]

His example from the 5:15 min mark describe the exact situation I’m in. To the T! 😮

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm here for you. Feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] at any time. I'd love to help.

[@Betternow77-y5w]

Was in a relationship for years with an avoidant. She broke up with me several times. Always came back sometimes acting as if nothing had happened. We are broken up again now. A few days ago I initiated a phone call. We had a nice conversation and she told me “I’m going to be vulnerable. I don’t want to give you false hope but I’m not able to talk to you because my feelings are so strong and I need more time to grieve the loss of my dad.” I don’t know what to do with that. I want her back and I know she loves me but I want to end the cycle. I don’t know if she is. Willing to do the work to have a healthy relationship.

[@MF-se1zl]

It's not that she doesn't want to do the work. It's that she cannot do it. Face it for your own good.

[@marcgardner9865]

I actively avoid women when they slam doors, scream out of frustration for not getting their way, (very child-like), throwing things around the apartment. So, I leave the situation calmly so as not to instigate. She calls me the avoidant! I’m only avoiding the abuse, not her. Sorry for expecting an adult woman to act like an adult. Like I’m supposed to read her mind or something. Am I the avoidant? All I want is for her to speak to me kindly while making her point, need, or want.

[@AWA89r]

My severely avoidant STBXH is the worst partner I have ever deal with! He’s jump into rebound immediately like I wasn’t nothing! I’m 18 years wife with kids!

[@UknowBo22]

OMG, everything you've said so far is WOW, exactly what they did & said, including selfishness & they can't give me what I need!!!!!!! Holy crap!!! K, I'm going to finish watching!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear this resonated! I'd love to hear your thoughts after you finish watching!

[@UknowBo22]

@AttachmentAdam Sir, this video is seriously way too on point!! It's almost identical to the things I was told! But the really sad thing is that these actions they're doing or projecting onto ppl can have very, very horrible repercussions! When a person's emotions are toyed with, then on top of that, the avoidant's words & acting could cause a person to aquire serious mental health issues, to never trust anyone again, to taking their own life or taking both lives! I do not for the life of me understand why relationships have turned into let's see who hurts who first or the worst, what the hell happened to love? I'm 51 & my last 2 relationships for sure took me to an extremely dark place & only by the grace of God was I able to recover but I definitely still get those days that pop up & cause anger & a lot of hatred towards them! I don't want to hate anyone, but the things they did to me for no apparent reason was pure evilness to which they could careless to how much they destroyed me. It's been a very traumatic experience that i never want to go through again!!! I will get better. I'm constantly doing my homework learning more about avoidant personalities & I'm finally starting counseling again on Tuesday. Thank God!! I haven't had anyone whatsoever for this last one, so I've been baking all these emotions completely alone. The 29th will be a year since this all happened & I still have a long way to go!!! I do not want another relationship for a long, long time, which at 51, I'm definitely not getting any younger & that makes it even harder. I don't even know the appropriate words to use that could even come close to the way that I feel. They did quite a number on me! 💔😢

[@hugorcedeno4394]

My avoidant ex told me she shutdown and that she has emotional limitations. That it happened in every relationship she had. She confessed being selfish.

[@AttachmentAdam]

and I believe that was a deal breaker for you? and why did you break up?

[@hugorcedeno4394]

@@AttachmentAdam It wasn't, never had deal breakers with her, never experienced avoidant deactivation so became anxious. She started getting cold and distant, communicated about it and apologized, blamed it on being in a funk, moody and weird. Tried to give space, am secure but this made me anxious and texted her 2-3 times a day to check on her (though she was depressed). She slowly faded within 3 weeks, from daily replies to a couple of days to a week and then called her and she broke up saying she shuts down and sabotages relationships when things get too serious which makes her lose interest. I broke NC after 2 months, she apologized for the BU, said she can't share life in a romantic way, that is selfish, kind of bad and toxic, that we need healing. Told her will delete and block but she asked me not to, that she is "looking forward to a time in which we can be more easygoing with each other after some time has passed". Is there any chance with more NC? Don't want to be friendzoned. We are in our late 30s

[@jamesbelkin9204]

​@@hugorcedeno4394 What happened? I had a similar experience

[@tysonbrown1277]

I cant work out what style i am or whats wrong with me

[@zaynyt3420]

I always endup in a onesided relationship. and me as an avoidant. When I give I get devalued, so when I expect and receive 0 reciprocity I have 0 remorse for disappearing and using them as a side chick. I can only value a woman who values me. I've been hurt 3 times in the past everytime I've opened up as a man. I'm not going that route ever again

[@roseannrexines6820]

I have nothing left to give .. broke up almost a year ago that’s what he said.. we still talk all the time flirt connect etc but he won’t meet me .. he told me don’t keep me in your system 😢I still miss him

[@aselyne5631]

So why are you still talking to him after he told you what it is 😅

[@CeciledeLuire]

why do you keep in touch with someone who does not appreciate you...? there is people who (will) love you! 💛

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Build a clear framework ❤❤❤

[@tobinjohnson4813]

Does this change at all with an avoidant woman? You described my scenario with gender roles reversed. We were married 27 years when a nuke got dropped on me last November. I did many of the things you said not to do. I thought part of the issue was that I wasn't empathetic enough and too stoic. After attempts at mediation, she just told me yesterday she's retaining an attorney. It's going from bad to worse. The great news is I'm getting help in many different ways including this channel to understand better what happened and find a more confident path forward. Keep up the invaluable work!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing. How are you envisioning your life after the divorce, and what steps are you taking to create a positive future for yourself?

[@andreatorluemke4982]

I see I wasn’t his dopamine anymore

[@SteveBlogGuy]

It’s a loose, loose. Give them silence & go build a happy life with someone that can be a mature adult!

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say it's a lose lose?

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Being measurable. These are things so often not thought of

[@Pandaexpress22]

Instead of chasing my DA gf after a conflict, I gave her a week of space WITHOUT her asking for it. Is it normal for DA to not even say when they need space? This goes against my anxious side wanting to sort things out asap.

[@nashdlp3599]

Adam, what prompts avoidant men to actually discover you and watch your videos? Is it usually a suggestion from their partner or some other way?

[@casuallycruelx]

i'm a female avoidant and i know i am because my therapist told me one day. i know what's up with me but i'm watching this to get the hope and insight i need so that i can maybe get better.

[@northshorelight35]

This is too much work. We need more videos on how to detach, move on, and heal.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I encourage you to watch the video on my channel titled 'The Truth About Breakups, Recovery, & Moving On | Cole Zesiger' - Would love to hear your thoughts.

[@human_08]

This vital valuable video could have saved my relationship. But now it’s too late. We don’t talk anymore. Even if I contact her right now it would be pursuing her after she broke things off and lead to further disrespect to me for not respecting her avoidant boundaries. The fact that I can understand and enlighten me with all this data proves testament to my understanding nature. But I honestly can’t make her understand these deep concepts to an immature child. Now only Left with tormenting agony of heartbreak. That’s hell on earth inexplicable by words.

[@greatgrandfather3329]

We are close to break up moment, wife is avoident.... my emotions go out of control....need to learn calm... I'm opposite, dont know if I can learn it in time.... we're there now

[@alisabarrett5653]

There is no breakup "discussion"

[@thehermitslantern777]

In Summary - Open direct communication is vital. Many do not have the ability to do that. It's evident at the beginning of relationships, if most can look past the Dopamine hits.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. The initial stages of a relationship, often clouded by infatuation, can mask underlying compatibility issues. In your opinion, what are some early warning signs of potential communication breakdowns that can be addressed proactively?

[@summerlane508]

My partner tells littlebits of truths about himself here and there. Like telling on himself, things he perceived as shameful. I mostly listen & add “it sounds like normal behavior to me”..like, your normal, he seems so afraid that if I found out , I may hate him. Any advice except for being non judgmental?