How to Manage Toxic Shame

Shame is self-directed, self-negating anger at helplessness in the face of overwhelming external circumstances or uncontrollable internal impulses and behaviors.
Shame: aggression, prolonged grief, introjection (if abuser POV, society).
Affect of conscience: shame.
Self-audiencing (negative vs. positive in narcissistic self-supply).
Solution:
Manage your anger - don’t let it manage you ( • Express Constructive A... )
Love yourself ( • Love Yourself: Here’s ... )
Unlearn helplessness ( • Narcissistic Entitleme... )
(Life's Wisdom playlist • Life's Wisdom )
Don’t face - efface.
Get underwhelmed - not overwhelmed.
Change circumstances, environment.
Control your impulses.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...

[@leighdalton9848]

I have been trauma bonded to my mother and am 62 now. I’ve only just cut off contact with all my family and extended family. It’s been a hard life. All the things you say are so validating for me. I really appreciate it.

[@szlifierniatalentow1204]

You are a hero. My deep respect! 🎉 I did the same some years ago, however...I regret not knowing more about managing the new situation, not knowing all "no contact steps" which prof. Vaknin coined. After breaking up with my mother and other toxic narcissistic family members I went through a terrible toxic shame, trough this inner critic tortures, loneliness and suicidal thoughts. I went throughout terrible 10 years until my narcissistic- borderline mother passed away. Then my core/my inner child understood once for good: there is no chance for love from her anymore. ONLY then, despite my age and a lot of knowledge about narcissistic abuse- only then I realised that somewhere very deep inside I was still hoping for her love and attention! 😥I was subconsciously hoping, that she will wake up from her sick reality and be sorry for alk she has done to me. Certainly, it never happened I'm 58 now, and actually I have no one by my side...and this loneliness is so sad and painful...however, it has been my twin- sibling since my early childhood. Anyway, please remember, that going "no contact" must be well prepared and -ideally -supported by experienced therapist or close reliable people/ person...I was on my own with a teenage son, and the entire family against me. It is still very difficult, especially at holidays seasons or other important days- but more healthy then with toxic people around, even if they are called family. I'm sending plenty of love and lots of respect to you, Dear Prof. Vaknin, and to all of yoy, my friends- the wounded brave warriors, or rather workers of love and light. And wish for better lives for future generations- hopefully!

[@aahaider4453]

4 years behind you

[@szlifierniatalentow1204]

❤🎉​@@aahaider4453

[@lindanicola]

Professor Vaknin, your lectures are priceless 🌹

[@Kamau2012]

Interesting perspective, it resonates a lot.

[@chiliart8056]

Im gona watch this 100 timest to sinc in.

[@Andromeda-tg5lo]

If my grandfather had had your vocabulary he would have been able to express this to me a long time ago. He certainly tried. Thank you for taking his place as I have no one but myself and the audience inside. I already know not to believe them all the time... As always you make something very convoluted very simple . Thank you so much I need you to stay doing this. The world needs you. Grandpa has been gone many years now.... I have become unable to tolerate anymore keystone counselors or mindless county psychiatrists ordering off label medications for things that I'd like to unravel instead.

[@prairieelr]

Thank you. A few of the key takeaways if I understood correctly: to reduce toxic shame and its destructive consequences-invest energy in anger management and deescalation techniques (perhaps some modality of CPI strategies?) . Understanding that competency is developed through a process of better understanding through education and practice. That competency reduces helplessness thereby reducing potential triggers. Perspective shift goes a long way to prevent dis regulation. Prevention is worth a pound of cure -and negative consequences. Movement and exercise help ease physiological symptoms that the stress that occurs from shame and subsequent dis regulation. Good luck to you too.

[@Whatthecat1]

Took a screenshot -I feel triggered when the covert narcissist (ex’s mum) try to put me into shame-she even said I should feel shamed 😬 I got angry for real and said if she realize what she educated in her son-she sees of course just the best-that he doesn’t have chaos and and ist super tidy. Yes he got a control freak and narcissist bcs of her. Ah I’m fed up of this sick perfect family dynamics. I try to speak with the psychologist about this. I lose control when dealing with such people who try to shame me and play nice human beings

[@winter-i-i]

There should be a statue made to honor Professor Vaknin for all the lives he's saving ❤

[@moniquedecarlo149]

😂 indeed!!!

[@chiliart8056]

Thank you for this one.I neded this.I confused this with anxiety.

[@Bright79-111]

I have seen parts of myself in this video. Thank you! Prof. Sam Vaknin for the brilliant information.

[@NoahJacksonproductions]

brilliant lecture.

[@The_inventive_mom]

This has opened my eyes to some of my behaviors. Thank you so much!

[@gilmar9539]

Great advices to people have social anxiety and shame, i will follow this advices.

[@ancusEIRL]

This is another Vaknin's gem. Pure gold.

[@chiliart8056]

That is true every time Im angry it kicks me like flashback. And Im sad and angry all my life.Balkan lives long in bones.

[@danpiller5156]

Dang I have to watch three more times at least to process. Thank you Vaknin.

[@katarinatomic6085]

This is pure gold, Dr Vaknin, thank You ❤

[@mitreaalexandru6288]

thank you master. you change my life in good

[@debbyjoy3]

My husband of 28 years begged and provoked repeatedly to be punished. I tried with all I had , to show him he was loved, and had the power to change his life...but I could not get past that anger and his need to be a victim in his own story. I felt so sorry for him ..for so so long..and nothing I did , was ever enough. He almost begged me to tell him about his 'faults' because he would never stop doing the self defeating things. He would say "Oh I always have you to tell me what a no good human being I am"...It just hurt so much. I cried for him so much...and when he was just done living..thought he was getting dementia..thought I was done with him...would not tell me what was going on in him....He killed himself. It just shattered and left me feeling like it was my fault.

[@notcreative5626]

We are not in control for the choices other people make Debby. Needless to say, it wasn't your fault The love you have for him transpires, and it's clear that you cared I will pray for you to heal emotionally, stay strong

[@EverahSnow]

Absolutely brilliant. Explains so much of how I recovered from chronic and extreme torture. Long live Vaknin! ❤

[@ninablessing9350]

This is immediately one of my favorite Vaknin lessons. Very clear and precise.

[@piotrk29]

healing is hard process. Thank you for sharing knowledge

[@ghostfoto...3714]

What you said, How could you know? Thank you for being such a smart man, and...You always make me laugh. The message to me is Stand Strong it is NOT my fault. I am angry at a lot of people; I know that just hurts me. Makes me want to self-destruct. If people act like they don't care about you believe them. That is what I tell myself. Toxic cr9p that I internalize. Like you said. ...

[@mokks532]

I feel a terrible shame everytime my parents manipulate me. They constantly take advantage of moments when I am weak. Because I can't be every second in -fight mode-. I'm 31 and I still live with them... (Common in Italy) Thank you so much for this video❤

[@christianans.2363]

i live in greece. i live woth my parents. my mother is a narcisist and 30 years she has destroyed my life. i let her do that. financially im shit so i don t have the money to eave the house. im an empath and i was her slave 30 years. fuck my life.

[@Lp-vw1lf]

Your lectures are incredible Professor. I've known for a while I adopted an unworthy view of myself..through the eyes of my dysfunctional family. I knew it wasn't coming from my authentic self. The truth you share hurts, but is necessary in the path to understand what I've endured, why and how to continue healing and individuating. Thank you!

[@kinanmadani1181]

This video is a precious gift to humanity. Alot of ideas came to mind while watching it, I must rewatch over many times. Thank you for this wonderful profound informative video Dr. Sam. Bless you.🙏

[@ancusEIRL]

This was my second time since yesterday!

[@Kamau2012]

This is hard hitting from Dr Vaknin. The solutions offered are very good for us especially the rigidity described...

[@ioannisbarrett1410]

Professor Vaknin, thank you for existing!!!

[@sunrayrosin7181]

Spot on. Thanks Dr. Sam

[@elisabethnatividad5091]

Of paramount importance for anyone seeking to heal from abuse, mental illness, the destructive effects of toxic shame.

[@lizmandelaine6863]

❤ and appreciate your spot on definition. Shame’s to blame (or the handling of feelings of same…) for sooo many of our societies ills today. Captain Obvious (moi)

[@amalierusholt]

A very inspirational and motivating video. Thank you!

[@eye-leenlove]

Thank you! Thank you! You give us hope!

[@elinamirbaha]

Sam, could you please do a video on unlearning helplessness? I feel this is the step that is the most difficult to tackle for me personally. I think your wisdom and advice for tackling this issue would be immensely helpful for those of us with CPTSD stuck in the freeze response and wallowing in the agony of helplessness, leading to a lack of self-efficacy, perpetuating the feeling of helplessness and shame. Thanks for your service as always, sir! :)

[@samvaknin]

Will do.

[@elinamirbaha]

@@samvaknin Wonderful, looking forward to it! Thanks again!

[@maryvera123]

Thank you, Professor Vaknin, for your very helpful advice and encouraging words. Super lecture.

[@Mady8015]

This video is (psychological) gold.

[@Jayson112]

Thank you for your work

[@user-ju8fn8fu9s]

Thank you so much Dear Sam Vaknin❤

[@Nimcaanyaasiin9097]

Thank you so much ❤

[@easyasthebreeze]

Dear Samuel... Doctor of philosophy, author ... lecturer... Poet and infused with dead pan humor... I have listened for years. There was a time when I felt shame . But now I have some letters in front of my name:That and five 5 dollars will get me a cup of coffee, however. ☕🍰

[@daisha3173]

I've listened to this video 3 times... life changing ....please continue to do the good work.

[@dianeoneil5376]

Fantastic advice, thank you!

[@viktorgornistov9836]

My life is self-control. I was honest on the Internet and I was banned. I was open in the psychologists' chat, they banned me. KZbin has taken down this comment four times, and the comment is very smoothed out

[@caupainregina9948]

Brilliant presentation. I needed this. Thank you so much.

[@ohnoohnono]

Good luck to yall

[@russoplays1608]

Thank you

[@3xordoslegatos160]

Prof Sam when a belief of incapacity has been created from early years,from childhood,which works automatically and blocks you from everything throughout your lifetime,how can you stop that since it’s already established?

[@samvaknin]

Search the relevant playlists.

[@Daniel-sq5nl]

Shame shame we know your name.

[@Andromeda-tg5lo]

Is that a David Bowie reference.. fame?

[@Daniel-sq5nl]

@@Andromeda-tg5lo I don't think so. I have no idea of its origin. I live in the north west of England, the kids say it to each other.

[@memnon5370]

Dr vaknin, you mentioned in a recent video OCD traits in narcissism. Could you do a video on traits of how this manifests NPD and BPD

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@evinakdag6157]

Thank you so much Namaste .. it was amazing.. 🙏

[@user-fc7fj2ep9e]

Internalized bad object Invalidated internalized aggression Prolonged grief of being my worst enemy Internal bad object, abuser’s point of view of you bad external opinions about yourself Affective correlate of conscience (should injunctions) Conscience weaponises shame A form of self audiencing, imaginary observer Shame is a bridge between the individual and society Shame keeps you safe Toxic shame is internal bad object abusing shame 1. Manage anger 2. Love yourself 3. Helplessness is learnt, unlearn it 4. Walk away from uncontrollable situations, AVOID, don’t sit and suffer don’t face things, efface, don’t dwell on your defence mechanisms, distract yourself 5. Minimise, be underwhelmed become obsessed with self control

[@dariazukowskapsychologkliniczn]

Nice mix prof.:wine and milk 😂

[@dalefrank3713]

Shalom Sam x

[@NoahJacksonproductions]

My Notes (Let me know if something is wrong): **Shame Meaning** Is self directed harm due to helplessness, overwhelming circumstance, or uncontrollable internal impulses. - “Your bad, and you should be punished” - Can be self directed aggression - Reasons for self directed aggression - Learned to suppress it and to internalize it inwards - Learned to please others accept for yourself **How Shame Occurs** - When you aren’t able to achieve something (Helplessness) - Circumstances that you can’t control that harm you - Can be a large change, or or small changes over time. - When doing something that isn’t “good” or “moral” **How Shame is Formed** Is formed as an internalized bed object, which are numerous thoughts together, that try to disable you, and are against you. The internalized bed object is formed through conditioning by your parents and society, that tell you what you shouldn’t do. Therefore, shame can help regulate social conduct with other people. It can be a self audience that tells you what you should and shouldn’t do, and than weaponizes shame when you don’t abide by the Shoulds. *“Shame is a bridge between you, and social society”* Prof. Sam Vaknin **3 Elements of Shame** - Self directed Aggression - Prolonged grief about - What you could have been - You are your own enemy - Interjection of others into a bed object. - An abuser, society, parent, mentor, etc **How Narcissism is Formed in Regards to Shame** The narcissist separates the internalized bed object that creates shame, from the Audience of admirers. Than suppresses and has no contact with the Shameful bed object, from the imaginary Audience of admirers. Therefore, the narcissist is only in contact with the Audience of admirers and thinks that he/she is great all the time. **Toxic Shame** Is when the internalized bed object abuses you, and overrides your other thoughts. **Ways to regulate Shame or Toxic Shame** - Regulate/manage your own anger - Learn to Love yourself - Unlearn learned helplessness - Don’t Face, instead Efface - Walk away from circumstances that make you feel helpless. - Identify where the shame is coming from - Be Underwhelmed not Overwhelmed - Take a step back and gain perspective - "Become obsessed with Self control" - control your thoughts, moods, emotions - exercise the body a lot

[@agniem9698]

Is toxic shame similar to humiliation?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@jonathantrautman]

Thank you, Dr.! I know that you said the etiology is far reaching and complex/not concretely defined, but what is the adaptive logic or evolutionary 'logic' of shame? Is it about protecting the self? Or is shame a negative emergent property? Thank you

[@samvaknin]

Shame is internalized social control. It allows society to emerge and function.

[@jonathantrautman]

​@@samvaknin Thank you, Dr! It seems to follow that this must be an example of group selection? I'm curious as to how this trait may have evolved. I'm also thinking about the relative proportions of various phenotypes for shame Perhaps certain phenotypic distributions of shame outcompete other distributions at the group level?

[@Candy-O1776]

Oh boy…

[@Greek5425]

Yamas

[@malka7]

❤❤Shma Israel!

[@user-vi3sz3fg2r]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z4qbhpudqs-qr5o

[@nodokurwy]

Thanks man