How to Opt Out of Drama

[@hollywinslett7097]

Exactly why I have a VERY SMALL CIRCLE of friends and family I can stand to be around.

[@alisejankovska9125]

I grew up in an agressive family... and the funny thing is that I wanted to get out of drama but at the same time I felt that I needed it cause I was used to it... But now I am learning- I think I am succeeding... Cause I feel calmer.. I have learned to say no and set up personal boundaries... but it's still a learning process .... thank you!!,🤗

[@classicrocklover5615]

I've learned there are certain people who MUST live in crisis. They thrive on it, even though they act as if they are dying. But the minute the drama disappears, they can only live in peace and quiet for a few days. Then they will deliberately do something to start drama up, all over again.

[@terri_cole]

Great observation!

[@mcdijkhuizen941]

Lately I have come to the conclusion that most of my " friends" are taking fuel from me. I did not pick them out but I always let things happened because I was so afraid to be left out. I had a big mental crash and could not take it anymore so I spend lots of time on my own and what finally happened was that I got to know myself and by looking to my life from a distance I came to see what's going on. Taking a distance from poisening people is an upgrade of life quality. Because of that I appreciate life more and I'm becoming to love myself more. What your telling us is life changing. Life is to short and precious to spend with negative people. Just say it to them. You have given them something to think about as a free gift ❤️💮🌸🌺

[@celticsoul2850]

Debaters also want to gain control by shutting people down to shut them up. It’s an attack masquerading as a conversation. Love you Terri.

[@canoslo6126]

I’m finding that the better I get at setting my boundaries, the less these sorts of people seem to be attracted to me. The hardest one for me is not feeling sorry for the Victim. That archetype can sneak up on me too easily! Interestingly, these categories just described my NPD parents, especially my mother. All of these are her stock in trade communication. And even though she is my mother, going No Contact was the most peaceful solution I could make. It was also the only way to be able still to hold love for her.

[@eceerdem317]

In addition to all the amazing things I've learned from you, I also want to say that you are so beautiful! I love just looking at you sometimes. :) You being calm, confident and beautiful empowers me as a woman dear Terri! You inspire me. Thank you. :)

[@terri_cole]

Awwww thank you for your kind words, my dear. It warms my heart to know my work is helping you create a life you LOVE!!

[@clairelariviere111]

I totally agree! For myself I can also add that Terri has been an awesome mentor for me to stop drinking. Thanks Terri you are a gift!

[@TheGodsgarden]

I know! Isn’t she just lovely, calm and confident?! She inspires me too!!

[@terri_cole]

@@clairelariviere111 That is AMAZING!!! And makes me so happy to hear ;)

[@ckamau6383]

True and she has the most calming voice! Xxx from Nairobi

[@davids6533]

Terri, your channel and a couple others are helping me to come back from a dark time in life, and I appreciate your content and attitude very much. I'd almost pay to watch you in action with some of these people you just described. Most people can't seem to handle the degree of honesty you so effortlessly deliver.

[@terri_cole]

Thank YOU for being here David and for sharing your kind words. I'm so glad to hear that it is helping you.

[@evamussio7533]

The "you're my best friend " statement is also part of my experience... fortunately I have learnt with time not to lose my balance if it's not my reality xxx

[@nikkid9915]

I'm always on the outside...surrounded by all of these types (family cult mentallity) my entire life. People exhaust me! I don't play with adult, toddlers...they don't grow up and have a lot of resources they use to inflict abuse. They say I'm the hater. I'm 49. manufactured dramas are used to control, manipulate and destroy relationships and reputations. I prefer to be hated rather than fit in with that shit. I can't hear passive/aggressive comments about some form of abuse me or my kids have inflicted on people, we've never met, aren't in our lives, or have hurt us, from people who hurt us. The easiest targets are the innocent...every toxic family needs a scapegoat(s). I have a boundary with all of them now. It's called "stay tf away from me." Thanks Teri, your videos have helped me so much in the last 6 months of my healing.

[@terri_cole]

Way to go Nikki! Keep focusing on your healing, and you're right. You don't need to be pulled down like that!

[@dahlia5044]

Wow. Another excellent video! I loved: Is that person gonna like that? No! Is that okay? Yeah! I am a pro in getting sucked up into these people's manipulation. Thank you for all the tips!

[@terri_cole]

Right on, D! What really matters is if WE like US, ya know?

[@lauramcnamee4100]

I know someone who embodies at least 3 of these archetypes at any given time. They have the power to suck the life out of you (if you let them).

[@clairelariviere111]

Another fantastically timely subject! Having grown up with 2 older sisters and mother who has always thought she is Judge Judy of the Universe, I am only now in my later adult years embracing the power that I have, not to hurt others but indeed to protect my well being. Terri you are so appreciated!

[@terri_cole]

This made my day!! Thank you for writing and watching!

[@BronzeIcon]

I am so glad that I found your channel. I have learned so much about how to take control of my own happiness.

[@terri_cole]

This made my day!! Thank you for being here and for saying so.

[@bettydoughtery3920]

WOW, YOU JUST CLEARED THE ROAD. Including and explaining the statement, "You are my best friend", and including, and rethinking my own part and participation in situations that come my way. I really couldn't have paid enough, for the advice received from you. 🌷

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Betty! We are all works in progress and as Maya Angelou famously said, "When we know better, we do better" so here's to new healthier behaviors and responses! Thank you for being here with us xo

[@PascaleMarin]

I have another type of 'drama generator', it is "The Shamelessly". People who will try to dispose of your time, come with their pet at your place without asking if it is ok first, think they should be my number 1 priority in life and I confess I struggle with those profiles. I know it's a question of setting boundaries and being an over-functioning co-dependent (thank you Terri for the video about it BTW). I find it hard to impose my limits and boundaries with these people and they make my life miserable. I try to avoid them at all cost!

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion and I thank you for sharing your realizations here.

[@caroldelap9962]

Question ...what about "Stingy Stacy "that is in groups that you belong to and she never pulls her weight! For instance say someone in the group has a death in the family and the group prepares a meal.Everyone spends from 50 to $100 pitching in on this meal, this person brings 3 bottles of soda from the dollar store. But the others in the group enable her! To the point some of it deny it and her stinginess is very extreme.

[@neo317]

Wow! I love this. Classy and a show stopper. Thank you for sharing. I've released friends from my life because of the behaviors. I also see who I have been. Still love them but from over here. 😀💕

[@xgurl10]

Wow! Thank you so much for this video. The message was on point and very clear.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad you like it! Thanks for being here with us ;)

[@kimberlymccracken747]

These are ways that people block sharing love. I have met them and I have, at times, been them. If we are looking for love, best not look in those places. I am looking for love in all the RIGHT places. No need to say much anymore. Just turning away. I AM mostly positive and have been surrounded by these types. Very difficult. Godspeed. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Love you Terri! You're in my V.I.P. section!!! 💚🕊💚🕊💚

[@moanne6369]

I'm not looking for reciprocity, but you're officially my new best friend for making this video!!

[@waggytailsolo]

I love a slice of truth when it presents itself! Thanks Terri for some superb information and advice in a world that needs honesty and courage from 'ordinary' people.

[@terri_cole]

You are very welcome!

[@siiiriously3226]

wow. i found myself in more than one archetype... outch. hope for some more future information on how to resolve those behavioural patterns. :)

[@angelap.9670]

I love your no nonsense approach to protecting your peace.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, Angela ❤️ I appreciate you being here!

[@denvermom111]

One of your Best! I need to share this with my daughters!

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy to hear you liked it and thank youuuuuu for sharing!!

[@TheGodsgarden]

Simply wonderful video! Very assertive delivery, right on target! You look gorgeous, Terri! More and more beautiful each day, your face glows, I love it! Thanks for sharing these amazing messages with us

[@terri_cole]

It's my pleasure, you are so welcome! I really appreciate your kind words!!

[@CC-sr8ge]

I Love your personality, great info. Thanks.

[@terri_cole]

Awwww thanks X 2!

[@jeffhoffmeier943]

Absolutely loved this talk ! I needed this so bad ! Thank you so much

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome!

[@KD-wz8tp]

I remember learning, in my youth, that if someone is talking about somebody to you they're talking about you to somebody. It's true! I let people show me who they are then I hold on to what they've shown me to protect myself. I've also learned that some people fain interest in you to gain information for their gossip fests. I'm not overly talkative, which can gain you a label if you're working in a shark tank. I've always been befuddled at people that stab each other in the back one day and are besties the next. People are soulless. Why would I tell any of my personal business to anyone that can't be trusted?

[@terri_cole]

right on! You can decide who you trust and who is in your inner circle. Not everyone deserves a place to be there.

[@TheDrharsha]

Not choosing is choosing is a very powerful statement . Thank you .

[@ca6248]

I'm three years late, but this was such a fantastic video. I recognized the "archetypes" in my life and also realized that I have also been the "negative Nancy" in many situations. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, but I'm going to turn it around! Thank you for this information! 😊

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️ Glad it was helpful!

[@Melisusy21]

I have two co-workers that constantly pour all their gossip, ranting, negative BS to me and I've repeatedly told both I don't want to hear it. I've set these boundaries time and time again and they still use me as their personal therapist and after they're done, I feel so emotionally drained as if I can slip into a willing coma. I despise it.

[@terri_cole]

I hear you. Have you tried leaving the room when they start talking and disrespect your boundaries? You have lots of ways to set consequences as a result of your boundaries being crossed, you may want to brainstorm and try a few different options. If it is negatively effecting you that badly, you do not need to be around it.

[@Melisusy21]

@@terri_cole Hi, Terri! Yes, I've been dealing with them for 5yrs now and I feel like I've tried everything. Talking has proved it doesn't work. So, I flat out ignore their existence now while they're ranting to me. I don't respond, or make eye contact. I pretend as though they're not even there and they still stand next to me and talk at me, not to me. It's like they just need to let it out and use me as their source to do that. I've even put headphones in as their talking. One even put a chair next to me so she can vent and I picked it up and walked it out into another room. I've left the room, I've used the phone, etc you name it. They do other really annoying things but I am just a target I guess...(?) I am quiet and introverted. They're both very controlling and try to dictate what I do/don't do and I've never listened to any of them. Doesn't stop them from trying though! Thanks for your reply. I'm hard headed and stubborn and will never give in to them. It's just exhausting being constantly guarded. I feel like I'm always defending my rights.

[@stacielivinthedream8510]

Omg omg omg i need this right now!!! I'm so confused by this new guy I just met. After only 3 days, it's a battle!!!

[@MaryJane-xd4sn]

Really really great information!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for saying so, Mary Jane! I am grateful you are here ;)

[@brunochef2]

Really enjoy your videos 🤪. Love the way you present things.😍

[@terri_cole]

Thank you! I'm glad it resonates!

[@derrickwilliams994]

Omg. So refreshing. Terri, Terri, Terri. I needed this so much. You have no idea. Please, never stop making videos! I’m still watching old ones! Thank you. You’re the best.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here, Derrick! I appreciate you 💕

[@frolickingelf]

If you’re into Archetypes (and tarot-oracle cards), Kim Krans designed a thought-provoking deck that offers insight into healing these archetypes through parts-work. This deck has been instrumental in my Inner Child healing.

[@happylindsay4475]

" I just want negative Nancy to be fucking normal!" Lmao. Killed it!

[@emmawatson9593]

Terri at her best. Loved this. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you xoxo

[@No_1_Importantt]

Thank you🙏 I appreciate all of the time, effort, and work that you put out there for us.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome, Jennifer - and I so appreciate you being here!

[@caleuxx9108]

Terri. Great video. While listening to it I had many thoughts…. I remember some moments, when I have said something like you describe with the wedding dress…. my comments tend to be positive though… Oh what a lovely dress, she looks great in it, my wedding dress was in a similar style... my effort is to find common ground to connect, to have something in common with the other person, I want to talk about our weddings. No one talked to me about my wedding, after it happened, I had no one to show the album to. With therapy I've discovered that many people in my life are dramatic: father's NPD temper tantrums, mother's unstable opinions and decisions due to schizofrenia, one friend probably a very active domineering maybe even manipulative copdependent, another friend is probably cluster B - mostly likely BPD or histrionic, one sister-in-law yells a lot and is judgemental, my other sister in law is impulsive and requently needs help managing something) etc. I have a bicultural background, came from a chaotic home, mom has schizofrenia, father probably has NPD, brother passive-aggressive --- most of the important things in my life as well as most of the other things in my life are such, that I cannot discuss them usually - people don't want to hear about my life (they don't say it, but they change the subject, or start the visit with please only pleasant topics today)… yet they discuss their children and their worries about them... I have searched my whole life for people to connect to but I have very little in common with other people around me. I am so lonely. I'm a person who is a very highly educated intellectual type (post graduate degree) (love intellectual debates for purpose of information gathering, love learning new things), deeply spiritual (not religious), with cPTSD in the form of overfunctioning codependency with a tendency toward anxiety (fear about boundries with some and not enough trust in my own abilities) and with therapy I have become a person who is more and more aware of my emotions and how sensitive I and other people are. I am married to a nice guy, who is a passive codependent, his mom is a passive codependent. Outside of them I really have no one to share with, to have fun with (have discovered that most friends are very dramatic, energy draining). I have noticed (in circa the past 6 months) that I have a huge need to talk about myself, but there is no one who is really willing to listen other than my therapist, but my insurance only pays for 2 sessions/month. Two years ago I developed a non dangerous type of skin cancer (basal cell) and a 6 months later I developed reactive arthritis... I was unable to work for a whole year, even got disability for a few months…. no one asked me about how I was doing, no one asked me about my pain (physical pain) (except the husband of one friend) (passive codependents are mostly passive in conversation), no one asked me about my prognosis, and on the rare occasion when I started to talk about my health either people didn't respond at all or they changed the subject. And now that I am mostly recovered and doing much better, back to work (different job with no night shifts), still going to physical therapy (15 months of physical therapy and still some planned), I have this huge need to talk about myself and a huge need to talk about anything that interests me or is linked to me..... I think that I am going through some developmental phase and maybe combined with processing phase… but there is no one who will really listen and talk to me about my stuff, except that therapist (only 2x/month. Oh and not only am I lonely, but I have discovered in the past couple years or so, that also cannot stand many many people (probably due to developing boundries and self). …. So over the past few years I have set boundries, many boundries, some were not so great, but I did and am learning better ways (many resources on that: your videos, the books by dr.Cloud and dr.Townsend, books by Julie Hanks, Ross Rosenberg's and Lisa Romano's advice on dealing with codepdendency) - I have gone no or minimal contact with many people and now what? ….. I wish there was a course for people from severely dysfunctional families who finally see the light (like me) - a course on how to navigate relationships (after boundries)..... a course on how to find friends as an adult, how much to share one's problems in an adult relationship, how much to share or not share with work colleagues, how often its ok to talk about schizofrenic mother (or similar unending big stressor) with husband , how much to expect from other people when it comes to support and empathy, etc…. Eg. support groups for close people of schizofrenic ill people are mostly made up of parents of schizofrenic young adults - those parents play the victim and act like its only a physically based illness, no willingness to acept psychosocial dysfunction, no willingness to see their own flaws or to fix themselves. Since I have been in therapy and began discussing issues (very carefully and tactfully) with my schizofrenic mother, she has gotten better: talks more, shares her emotions (she used to be this being with no life on drugs, who only cooked, ate and sat in her recliner all day); now she goes for walks, buys herself nice sweaters, buys tickets to the theater, etc.)….

[@patriciastewart2537]

very helpful!

[@Martty_4]

This sounds like a person I'm trying to avoid who always talks about the weirdest crimes and covid related travel bans😫😫😄. Thanks Terri. Ur a gift to this world💐💐❤💐💐💐❤❤❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you ❤️ Glad it was helpful!

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

my husband can be a complainer, especially driving fussing at other drivers. He will complain alot in the house if he drops something or small stuff, etc. He said his Mom was like this. Listening to you I have stopped it, saying STOP. It was a bad habit. I say I want no NEGATIVITY. I am guilty of being a victim, taking responsibility for myself now and getting away from narc family, setting boundaries stopping them and enjoying life! ALso, I had a very opinionated coworker, wished I had listened to you then. Yes, who the F ##k asked you? She thought she was superior and would tell me what I should do when I had not asked her. When I confronted her she said OH I WAS JUST MAKING SUGGESTIONS. I just ignored her and got another job after that.

[@hollywinslett7097]

😂😂😂 it makes it even better when you drop a little cuss word in there! LOL 😂 I said one on another video of yours and felt bad about it. “Talking Shit!”

[@Corrosive_Acid]

A guy I dated who is very fond of music once asked me to share some bands I liked. I turned on some of my favourite music and he was like, "Oh wow, your taste really sucks!" I immediately told him that if he doesn't like the song he can just turn it off instead of saying something mean and condescending but honestly, I was very suprised at what people are capable of in quest of an ego boost.

[@fg8335]

I had a bad experience in trying to create a boundary with people that makes drama. In this case it was with my parents. I think both are narcissist. What happened was that I saw an sexist attitude of my father against my mother, telling her about how to dress or not. I said she should wear whatever she wants to. He said to me "wait until you get married". My mother tried to say that he didn't meant that she wasn't allowed to dress the way she wants or not. I was pissed off and I said no husband will dictate things to me. After that we had lunch, he didn't said a word and left. And he started crying. My mother came to me and said I should be careful on what I say. He not only put my mother against me as made me feel a bad person. He said if you treat me like that you gonna kill me. I don't know what to do, but your videos are helping.

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad to hear the videos are helping. I'm witnessing your process with compassion, setting new boundaries with people that are used to our old behavior can be rocky sometimes. Make sure you focus on you and your needs for your well-being. You don't have to speak up for your mother or anyone else, keep the the focus on your needs.

[@fg8335]

@@terri_cole Thanks again,Terri! It's a long journey but I'm committed!

[@jenniebensch7216]

Thank you for sharing! This was very helpful!

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear it!

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Yessss, thank you so much, Terri! 😍

[@terri_cole]

You're very welcome and thank you for being here Mireille!

[@kimberlymccracken747]

You are in my V.I.P. section Terri!!! Elite fleet. Love you !!!! 💚🕊💚🕊

[@alexandramaclachlan7597]

Oops. I relate to all of these. How do I stop being so toxic? :/

[@Alexis-ec9cl]

I would pay you for this advice. I wish you could be my psychotherapist. Great great great advice. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad it resonated for you!

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

I Love that you said to her face who the F***K asked you? BRILLIANT😅😁🎉

[@ZenWaveCinema]

Love this.

[@angel772921]

Awesome Terri...this made me laugh out loud..so true....I admit to being a gossip girl and a judge Judy sometimes times especially because I was defending myself to other members against a narcissist sister in law and other crazy dysfunctional family members...trying to make them see. ..utterly pointless! And heart breaking ..lesson well and truly learned ..I am officially out of all f@#! to give and no contact is now in effect..with them and all other toxic people who try to venture into and infect my life....." Hell is other people" quote by Jean Paul Sartre..comes to mind....and lastly I have another category for the drama kings and queens out there..that would be Cluster Bs..ie .. bitches and bastards!.harsh but keeping it real as you do fellow warrioress of light am truth.....much love & gratitude xxx

[@angel772921]

@@paula622 keeping it real☺ eh..big hug and my love..💖

[@LittleLulubee]

My toxic mom always played devil's advocate. Anytime I had a problem, no matter what it was, she would take the other person's side. I could tell her that a random, crazy, drugged-out stranger walked up to me in the street and out of the blue punched me in the face, and she would say "Oh, come on, that's ridiculous. Nobody would do that for no reason". And if I say "It's true, he just walked up and punched me", she would say "Well were you rude to him? What did you do to provoke him? You must have done something". That's what popped in my mind. How she has always had zero empathy for my suffering, and enjoys picking on me and upsetting me. She also always talked shit about me behind my back, sometimes even when I was within earshot. I'm still so angry at her lack of feeling, and her abandoning me. I have no relationship with any of my family members because of her. I've been working so hard to recover from their abuse. I went through a deep depression from late 2012 until early 2017. I have CPTSD and I've been trying to rid myself of all her toxic energy, and rid my mind of the evil demons she put there. But nothing is improving, I feel my life will never get better. I'm totally isolated, I don't trust people, I just see no solutions. It makes me so mad that she ruined my life, but she gets off scot free. Anyway, I appreciate your videos, thank you.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion, and thank you for sharing your story. Are you working with a therapist to guide you and help you process this?

[@TheGodsgarden]

Please believe your life will get better. Hang in there and continue to love yourself.

[@LittleLulubee]

@@terri_cole Thanks so much for writing, Terri. I'm not working with a therapist, because I've never met a good one. I know good ones like you exist, but finding a one is like finding a needle in a haystack. So I'm trying to heal by myself, using books and videos. But it's overwhelming. I have numerous illnesses that were caused by my family. And no support system whatsoever. I'm all alone in the world, and I can barely take care of myself. I feel like such a failure. And I know it's all my mom and abusive family's fault. I hate them so much. I wish you were my mom. I've never had an older woman in my life who could be a mom figure for me. I don't know why I'm even on this earth, what's my life's purpose? To just suffer every day for decades and achieve nothing? What's the point of anything? I wish I had someone to talk to, who cared about me. I could say so much more. Thanks for listening and sharing your wisdom 🙏💕

[@LittleLulubee]

@@TheGodsgarden Thank you

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

As a person who has survived multiple violent traumas, the last thing I want to hear about is graphic horrific devastation. No thanks Negative Nancy. I have been fasting from Social Media, Commercial TV &Talk Radio for 8 weeks. My Limbic System thanks me everyday. I'm so much more calm, centered and grounded now. Wooosaaaahh. 🎉🐱

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@stacielivinthedream8510]

I also work with a girl who is so negative and told me that she is a hater but I'm so confused cause then she acts so sweet at times. What is going on? Please help me understand?

[@555noelle1]

Love this 💕💕

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for watching!!

[@lexifresh1552]

Very cool lady Teri and wise 👍🏾

[@sarasayed12]

Hii Terri I would like to know how to Opt out drama coming from people who are close. Can you make a video for that?

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your suggestion! It sounds like you are looking for some help with setting boundaries so that you don't have the drama in your life. You may enjoy looking around the channel since I have done many videos about setting boundaries with family members and loved ones. You may find just what you're looking for.

[@matildesroka4471]

I'm all of them!😯

[@koziparker]

Thank you

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@USMC_BABE38]

How do I opt out drama in emails this girl who has a disability like I do constantly emails me and tries to get me involved in drama between her and other people she has issues with I've confronted her about once she keeps emailing me at 1:33Am in the morning and it's non stop at odd hours in the early morning how do I express my feelings and let them know that it's not okay for them to keep emailing me at that time at that hour help I have ADHD

[@brollicon]

Nice video but could you raise your audio??

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for the feedback!

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

I use to have a roommate 12 years ago who was so damn negative. It reached a point when I would even say one word to that depressed MF for a week at a time. Thank Goodness I have my own beautiful place near the water. No more room mates for me. My home is like a spa now with incents, candles and calming woods to look at from my patio everyday. Woosaaah

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@tonyarenae1426]

In my world I have a Control Freak. This person thinks that they can tell you exactly what to do how to do it and win and then if you don't do it that way you're stupid and those are the exact words. I looked at them and I and simply stated my life my choice why do you think you could tell me how I should do it you're not me besides I didn't even ask but you felt inclined to direct me. And then I have a in charge person I was in charge of everything that's going on they talked to the control freak and the two of them will run people around like a herd of animals and I sat there I know what needs to be done I know what should be done and I know what I'm able to do I don't need anyone poking and prodding me to do something in a certain way. I choose me. Everyone of us are different we all have our own ways and ideals and wants and desires and needs. So I do not understand people like that think that the whole world should think like them. They do not really see all the gray matter that would happen if we were all alike. Weariness gray, gray sky and gray ground. All lined up for the same grey job just because someone said so. embrace everybody's differences agree to disagree. Know that everyone has the right to their own, opinions, feelings and thoughts.Thank you I appreciate the time that you take share your videos with us.

[@TheShamuraja]

Thanks for putting that in words. And of course thank you, Terri Cole, for the effort you put in this channel. Hello from Germany ;))

[@terri_cole]

@@TheShamuraja you're welcome, thank YOU for being here!

[@terri_cole]

YES!!!! Keep choosing yourself.

[@tonyarenae1426]

@@TheShamuraja Hello from Texas thank you for your appreciated reply.

[@lillyeuphoria1832]

I dont like people giving them self the role of validating / un validating others ?

[@dymondstarrillustrations]

Oh wow, my spouse is judge judy, the debater and a bit negative nancy. The negative part we’ve talked about and working on. But I never could express into words the judgment part completely. And why it’s not necessary “to be honest” 24 7, because it’s hurtful to others when it’s not warranted. (The debater part I think is my fault because I play into it sometimes.)

[@terri_cole]

It helps to see our own part in the relationship dance, and you can absolutely start choosing a new way of interacting! Thank you for watching and for commenting!

[@richasingh3802]

Love from India

[@terri_cole]

Thank you!

[@jills6565]

I think I might be the victim as well as the empath. Can that be?

[@terri_cole]

Absolutely, that is possible. Self knowledge is power and the more you know yourself and your needs, the more you can advocate for yourself.

[@USMC_BABE38]

Where are you located wished I had someone to talk to.

[@tr33roi]

😢😢 I'm 4 of these

[@davspa6]

Right, you just don't participate If other person doesn't like it, that's their problem. It is not being rude or unkind not to participate, but is 1) preventing you from wasting your time and mental energy, 2) In some cases, as she said, it is not what that person needs to do to solve issue anyway. 3) If it is gossip, that is hurtful, and at same time you know they are also sharing your issues with others.

[@naturaldesignlaw]

Did you mention how to care but not caretaker the victim drama character style?

[@lauramcnamee4100]

I used to be the negative Nancy and victim, until I bored myself to tears with being a broken record!

[@terri_cole]

haha I love this Laura!

[@sn8323]

Lovely video. The photo shoot anecdote struck me as surprising, though. You say she over-identified with her opinion, but what I heard is that, actually, you over-identified with her opinion. You snapped, and responded aggressively, and by swearing at her. Your reaction escalated a blunt comment into a conflict. I empathize with you because it's hard to hear negative feedback. But, she's entitled to express a view when you show her your photos. It isn't reasonable to show people your pictures with the imposition that they may only respond with positive, flattering comments. That is controlling. You certainly were in a tough spot. It can be really hard not to react when we think we are hearing unfair, or gratuitous criticism, or even a goading negative comment. But shooting from the hip with both pistols wasn't you being your best Self! It may be that she thought you wanted her opinion. It may be that she hoped to provoke you. Either way, you being your best You is not even caring what she says, and, pausing to recognize internally that the comment is triggering you... and then dismantling that trigger. Don't give her the satisfaction. You can instead just smile a little Cheshire Cat smile, and say, But I do... [like the black skirt] :)

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your insights!

[@sn8323]

@@terri_cole Bless you, Terri Cole. You are gracious! And by the way, the black skirt you are wearing on your website photo is absolutely fabulous.

[@heartwisdomlove]

a debater is basically antagonistic

[@paulocl2]

I am a debater myself and I can't see anything wrong with it. Isn't it a good think to show people the truth? Or at least let them ask themselves some questions? People are very often wrong in their believes and I can't stand the talking about platitudes.

[@terri_cole]

Nothing wrong with being a debater as long as the people you are talking to know that about you and don't mind. You ask, "Isn't it a good thing to show people the truth?" and my answer would be the only truth you know is your own (which is true for all of us). People may not agree with your beliefs or mine for that matter and they have a right to disagree. This vlog is focussed on opting out of drama and for people who are seeking to understand each other - that might include avoiding someone who is more interested in debating. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here- I really appreciate it!

[@paulocl2]

@@terri_cole I think I'm in Judge Judy mode today haha. I really wanted people to show me the reasons why they believe what they believe. They are rarely able to do so and this frustrates me. I feel like everyone I know is stupid and does not care about anything but their own navel, which, btw, I find not interesting in any way This video made me think that I was able to get rid of all toxic people in my life. Unfortunately, there is no one left. At this moment I am absolutely alone and there is no one whose pure friendship I want. Also unfortunately, all therapist I know in my country don't even know what NPD is and how to treat the trauma they cause. KZbin has been the best therapist I could find.

[@dahlia5044]

@@paulocl2 OMG KZbin totally saved my life!

[@Kitkatluv33]

Honestly people get tired of people like that. Its exhausting and people generally dont care as much as you do with all respect

[@Kitkatluv33]

Butsome people do care. U can just ask them if they are offended by you questioning them and you'll know the answer by their body language and response

[@lillyeuphoria1832]

negative nancy , just out to cause harm , it applies to guys as well ... some guys are so negative in their comments ...

[@lannaintajak80]

🙏

[@anacarneiro6524]

I love bad news, murdering tv shows and stuff like that but I don't share it with anybody... lol

[@MegaSthlm1]

hahaha, you are still pissed about the black dress :)

[@ieatpaintchips72]

You could have cropped out the skirt. And gossip is a way to communicate shared values. And some of these people might not understand the social constructs that you seem to consider moral imperatives. I'm just not connecting to any of this.

[@rachaeladams7025]

Sadly, this video came off very catty

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for the feedback and thank you for being here.

[@LauraWoodsYurok]

Really great information and tools. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!