How to overcome Limerence (Love Addiction) using 13 steps.

[@kjb17]

What makes limerence dangerous is when the object of your obsession is playing mind games with you. I was lovebombed then ghosted, then he hoovered back, and left again.

[@kirsten_e]

Yes! This 💯

[@steadypace1262]

Narcissist's are cowardly people, the covert types play the narcissist's mean/nice cycle very well.😢

[@nellestims]

Sounds all too familiar

[@JeremyWayman]

Going thru this RN with a woman

[@steadypace1262]

@@Neilzn That's the same thought I've had about narcissists they treat you like a yo yo or any other toy for that matter.

[@cbgh4637]

I literally fall for any guy who gives me the slightest amount of attention or buy me drinks. Loneliness is just really frustrating. I attribute this to the lack of positive attention in my formative years. The maladaptive daydreaming is like a sort of coping mechanism to deal with the fact that that having no guy showing interest in me. It's a desperate feeling that I dont even care whether I like the person or not.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You can book a free initial call with us here if you like: PTC.as.me/?appointmentType=38919764

[@gowtham7231]

I'm going through the exact same thing. Hope you find a person who can save you from this situation.

[@cbgh4637]

@@gowtham7231 it's pathetic sometimes feeling so desperate for romantic attention

[@thijsjong]

This step is the probkem for me. Shifting Relationship Dynamics: Selecting Interested Partners Thise who are interested in me. Are in a relationship. Live on the other sife if the world almost. Are half my age. Adhere to some weird religion. Etc. Etc. Thise are the ones who show interest. Ask me questuins. Flirt. Want to date me. I live in an upside down world. The world of normal relationship is behinf an unbreakable glass wall. I see it gappening to other people but not me. I chose people who are interested in me but it is a mess from the start.

[@nobodyvjones7271]

​I feel this so strongly!! And then i found one that is far from perfect, is literally not my normal type at all actually couldnt understand why I love him so much but i did i fell into his presence being my drug of choice literally the moment our eyes met before we even spoke a word i was hooked and the ground shook. Literally!! And the first time we touched it literally shocked the shit out of us both. Like touching a doorknob and it zapping ya that happened the first time we kissed and the high level of electric charge surging through me was like nothing ive ever felt. And i know without a dojbt it was felt strongly by us both. We were together every second that he wasnt working for about 3 months then he ghosted me 2 yrs ago. And it was like im too much for him to let himself love. He spoke the words i love you first. It was accidental he didnt mean to say it out loud. And next thing i knew he was gone just completely ruthlessly cut me out. But every time i start to let him go so i can try to find happiness in a healthy relationship its like he can sense that shit. He pops back up 👆 not to be together but just to check on me or whatever. Then goes right back to ghosttown. But thats literally all it takes being in his presence for 5 mins gets me drunk, and if he hugs me thats it im done for waiting around in his silence high on fantasy land hopes that he truly does love me and care hes just scared and we'll be together one day delusions that do nothing but keep me trapped in single celibate and pathetic land of isolation and desolation. At this point its reaching devastation levels of being stuck in stupid mode for caring too much and never getting anything back, ive convinced myself we are connected on a soul level to the point i can intuitively sense his presence nearby me and feel like hes reaching out telepathically only to find out that yes hes here ISH... my brother lives at the bottom of my driveway and now they all of a sudden have become best friends and hes there almost daily so i can feel him strongly, sense him almost smell him go outside and sure enough theres his truck in my driveway only hes not coming to my door. And when we accidently end up both down there at the same time like im sitting there when he pops in, its excruciatingly awkward for me bc he will either completely cold shoulder me avoid even looking my direction like im not even there at all or talk shit to me like he disapproves of me and anything i may be talking to my brother about criticizing judgment being the only correspondance i get. Or he leaves as if my very presence is off putting for him. But yet i still crave him and somewhere deep down inside me tells me its all a show an act bc he cant handle that he knows he messed up with me and his pride and ego just wont let him Show vulnerability and I am his weakness so he has to prove to himself and whoever else that he doesnt care and that keeps me from giving up or letting go of the idea that one day he will come around to the acceptance of his feelings and we will finally be together. He doesnt show up that way tho an outsider viewing our interactions would prob not pick up on anything between us. Unless they're energy empaths then they can feel the intense energy vibrations but cant make heads or tails of it. The only Real Truly Tangible evidence he cares is in the very RARE instance his eyes meet mine and it can be seen outwardly but thats when he usually takes off immediately. Im feeling its hopeless for me to ever try to let someone else in bc it would go against my morals and values to leave a man​ for another man, or be with someone knowing my hearts not in it. Because it still doesnt belong to me. I gave it away 3 years ago and he hasnt given it back yet. I dont know what to do about it bc i dont want to be alone forever and im not exactly waiting for him but not available on an emotional level either for anyone else. Its a very stuck energy that i dont like being in.@@thijsjong

[@knitterscheidt]

I've suffered from limerence several times in my 60 plus year life. Of course it wasn't identified in my youth so I struggled to understand it's not love. Limerence always entered my life when I was afraid my dreams were dying and my life felt mundane. The LO always seemed an exciting change to shake things up and renew my life energy. Once I identify this is limerence and why it's occurring it lifts like a veil. I must be vigilant to stop recurrence.

[@zebrastripes3786]

Signs are you’ll get obsessed with them,analyzing their facial expressions,things they said and giving meanings to those as signs that they like you or not. You feel an urgency to move the relationship forward to the next step or to lock them down,you mold yourself to their likes dislikes,you don’t place any boundaries or make clear what you want or don’t want in a relationship for fear of them not matching what they want and you’ll have extreme fear of abandonment and have near panic attacks when they take long to reply to texts or cancel plans. In Normal relationships you try to get to know the person without having any agendas as to lock them in,you let them know what you like and don’t and you listen and a mindful for his/her needs. You are relaxed and secure and go with the flow,even if the relationship ends you feel a bit sad but not like you’re going to die without this person unlike a person in limerance

[@steadypace1262]

@@zebrastripes3786 Well said.

[@Max-16p]

You’re right

[@xeniapenner8211]

I’ve experienced limerence dozens of times in my 18 years of living and it’s truly torture

[@rosieleat6868]

I hear ya! I am 60 plus too, and if I had known what was going on with me, I might have been able to fix it, but we didn't know in our day. I have always been attracted to men who were unavailable in one form or another. My (now ex) hubby was always so distant, and he seemed to find me annoying so I eventually left (after 25 years), and then fell in love with two men (consecutively), and both were also unavailable for a full time relationship - at the end of the day, I had to realise that the common denominator was me. I realised that I longed for closeness and was anxiously attached, but also afraid of commitment. I have been single now for three years, and it's the best thing for me - I have my dogs :) one day I would like a healthy relationship before I die, but not yet, I am enjoying being alone, though I do miss physical closeness. Relationships are too destabilising for me. You never get over child abuse, not really, but in many ways I am happier and more creative/satisfied than I have ever been.

[@nikkic7776]

I never understand why I had such intense feeling for someone I have just met until recently. I think mine comes from abandonment. So now I'm working to fix it (if I can) because it truly is painful.

[@giuseppeeduardociraci513]

Well done in recognising it, a big hug

[@labratty2139]

The inner child in me keeps tripping up. I give her a hug, educate myself, pick her up, and, move on.

[@curvyblue2843]

That's a nice way to look at it. I think I will do that myself.

[@benja_mint]

my favorite strategy is just to immediately ask them out in a very explicit way as soon as possible after i notice the limmerancing beginning. that way i can just get rejected (or not) as quickly as possible and move on without wasting the emotional energy only to get the same outcome later on anyway

[@dr.beckyspelman]

That’s a good idea.

[@Amalp123]

❤

[@manonales]

Great strategy ❤

[@schmoab]

Thank you. I’m trying to figure out how to push this relationship forward, but I’m guaranteed to see them again and my best bet is to just pull them aside and have this conversation asap. I’ve been trying to figure out how to do it over text and that’s a nightmare.

[@SongofBeauty]

What if you’re already with someone? ☹️

[@fiction589]

When certainty arrives, limerence dies.

[@themindbenderr]

i don't think that's true for everyone. there are people who are limerent on dead people. my LO and i have no chance, there is certainty but i still can't get over my limerence.

[@psypulse8516]

I have been rejected more times than I can remember by my LO, but a part of me kept hoping that at some point she would have changed her mind. Being rejected started the process of getting out of my limerence, but it didn't happen over night, just now I'm snapping out of it, and it's been 7 months since she has been really clear about not having romantic interests for me.

[@themindbenderr]

@@psypulse8516 i obsessed over people who were not romantically or sexually attracted to my gender. it still took me 2 years to get over the LO. it was certain that they would never love me but i craved for love/affection so i couldn't stop hoping that they could love me at some point. I couldn't stop fantasizing and i was delusional. limerence is so painful, i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. i am so happy that you are getting over your limerence. it takes time but you are strong. pls don't give up. you might not feel like it but you deserve much much better that this. we all deserve to be loved just the way we are (with our imperfections).

[@psypulse8516]

@@themindbenderr Yeah is a really painful experience, it made me question even my worth to the point where I did things to my self that I'm not proud of, you know I feel like I wasn't good enough, no "masculine" or "dominant" enough, and maybe is even true, she told me she doesn't like my personality, and she had previously a relationship with a "bad boy", but you know what, it's fine, is who I am, and eventually I will find someone that will love me for me, but first of all I need to love myself to the point where I don't need somebody else validation and affection to feel good about myself. Unfortunately like you do, we don't relate to the part of facing the reality that makes limerence die, we cling to the tiniest hope to the point where it is completely delusional. And like you my limerence is dying after more or less two years. But I'm happy that it happened, because it showed me that there are things I have to take care of about myself, and I'm starting to learn how to love a d value myself. I hope you are getting positive changes too 😊

[@themindbenderr]

@@psypulse8516 i am happy that you realized that limerence is not about the other person but about us. yeah, we really need to take care of ourselves cuz the way we perceive love is hurting us. we want someone to parent us but it is too much pressure on the other person. we are adults now and we need to learn how to be our own parent. i wish i could receive that love when i was a child but that didn't happen and i carry the wounds. unfortunately, i need to do the inner work and learn to handle limerence better. also, my new LO is not a big struggle for me. i've dealt with worse limerent phases in the past. i can see that this new person is not perfect and they only see me as a friend. i also don't feel worthless or not good enough for them. we are not compatible and we have been friends for 2 years so it is unlikely that they will have a crush on me out of nowhere. i am not their type, i know their type and i am nothing like that and i am not gonna force myself to change who i am to meet their criteria. i deserve to be loved just as i am and if they don't like me this way then there is no reason to force things. they started dating someone this week and it makes me feel like sh*t but i can't be them. i will never be that person and i need to accept that... i feel like the girl you like might have her own issues bro. maybe she really had a relationship with a really bad person and she closed her heart or maybe she pushes people away cuz she is scared. we can't know. she might dislike your personality but idk i think it is rude to put it out like that. she could just say "i think our personalities are different and we are not compatible." maybe she meant it that way. please don't internalize the things she said. they have nothing to do with your worth. also you don't have to be so masculine or dominant to be liked by women. i've seen some women who don't like masculine men that much, sometimes they even find it repulsive. every person has their own taste and there are people out there who can find you attractive.

[@tatorick9002]

I don't want to fall out of limerence with a singular person. I just don't want to feel it at all ever again. It's horrible.

[@AP86777]

It's like a drug. Including withdrawal

[@cccbeats_]

Absolutely. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I was limerent for someone for 3 years. Yes… 3 YEARS. What makes it worse is that it’s not even remotely comparable to the limerence I have now. The person I was limerent for before was just someone that I had the chance to sleep with, but didn’t because I was too nervous. Well, the one I’m limerent for now is someone that I slept with when I was solo travelling 3 months ago and I have plans to go back there February next year.

[@tatorick9002]

@@cccbeats_ its such a terrible experience. Its almost like the rest of my life is on hold. I'm so sorry you have to go through that.

[@cccbeats_]

@@tatorick9002 the most liberating times of my life, and most likely yours as well, have been when I’ve felt no attachment to anyone. When I don’t feel limerence for anyone, I’m able to focus on self improvement, but like you said, when you’re in limerence with someone it’s like your life is on hold. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a series called “You”, but I’ve related to the main character called Joe Goldberg ever since I saw the 1st season, but just without the murdering. His character is solely based on the internal monologue of someone that is in Limerence. The series really delves into the reasons as to why we are the way we are. Despite having a clear understanding of why I’m like this, I can’t stop it. It’s a part of who I am. I can’t just have feelings for someone and then get over it quickly.

[@tatorick9002]

@@cccbeats_ I genuinely don’t think I’ve even really been in a place where I’ve never been in limerence. I would love to experience that. and that might not be too far fetched, im reaching a point where im falling out of limerence with my current partner, but I started day dreaming about someone I never even met. I had to actively tell myself that’s ridiculous. And I totally understand the weird intrusive thoughts that the guy from You has. I really hope things get better because I get into toxic relationships because of it. I hope things get easier for anyone who experiences limerence. It’s a painful existence.

[@anneliesewright662]

I experienced limerence towards my husband after he quit treating me with love & attention, so I started fantasizing about the way he treated me while we were dating. When things didn't get better, I became clingy, which drove him away. I continued to fantasize about him for years. I'm finally facing this reality as I'm researching what limerence is. Btw, being with other men who I wasn't "as attracted to" didn't help me at all. It only made me compare them to my husband, so I wasn't satisfied. I want to be with someone that I love the way I loved him. It was real love in the beginning. It only turned to limerence after he changed & made me uncertain of his feelings.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks for sharing, it sounds so painful that he pulled away in that way and very unfair on you.

[@annas.2318]

how did u overcome this?

[@ciancoyle9913]

I wonder was he limerant toward you for all those years and once his stopped, yours begun, is that how this works? Seems to be happening to a lot of peep

[@louisecampbell2628]

Becky you are spot on! When you said when limerent you tend to go for people that are unattainable. With myself my LO's were either married, or in a relationship. I found that when I'm limerent I don't want to see ANY FAULTS with that person AT ALL. This is how I know that it's limerance. I would say to myself "Ah see what your doing your putting him up on a pedestal". So unattainable, and pedestal. That's how I know!!!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks for sharing that, that’s super helpful information for others, well done on having such great awareness.

[@BusinessWolf1]

I figured out how to minimise the pedestal thing, but it has not entirely went away, and sometimes it's at full force still. But it's kinda bad in a way because now it's harder to tell apart limmerence. So I must learn to recognise and avoid unattainable/unavailable people.

[@theirishfairy6281]

Great information! Thank you ! I would add to that saying no Tarot or twin flame readings with this. My Bestie was constantly going on utube for tarot readings when she was in the state and it was making everything worse for her.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Oh my gosh, yes good advice.

[@Alicia-cq9si]

For me it's making astrological compatibility charts when I get their birthdate (composite/synastry) and focusing on all the soulmate or marriage indicators but ignoring the red flag aspects. I get so obsessed with these charts!

[@fluddie6832]

I think KZbin Tarot readings are utter crap, but there one limerence situation I had that really made me realise I had a massive issue. This time it was too close to home, literally, I went after my flatmate. And better yet, she was displaying severe narcissistic traits and even when asking friends they genuinely thought she was interested by her behaviour towards me. As time went on it started to click that the interest she was displaying was not benign at all and from purely malicious and obsessively cruel reasons. One night I was at a friends place, and she happened to state she did tarot readings and how scarily accurate they were for her and her friends. I then stupidly called the person I was into and the conversation didn't go well, she was rude and icing me at the time. So I decided to give it a go. The results I got were unbelievable and so hard to accept. I got cards such as 'awareness', the lovers card and the most important card was 'nothingness', on a purely black card. I was absolutely mortified. I kept asking what it meant in panic and distress because really I knew what it meant - I had to accept and become aware that this road was leading to nothing, and once aware, I could move on with my life and cut contact altogether. I asked her to pull the deck three times. Eerily, most of the cards reappeared, but the one that appeared every time, and was the overarching card to my problem was in fact the nothingness card. I shook to my core. Those cards confronted me with the truth I had been avoiding this whole time. The next day I expressed my feelings and it didn't end well. However, from that day forward I never spoke to her again. She tried to gaslight me into thinking I was the narc the whole time ha. Good one, that just finished it right there and then for me.

[@DemFoam]

Yes they are not good for this at all.

[@reginemarieylaya]

Hear hear to that!!! ❤

[@00st307-m]

5:30 / sorry but I faced my limerence - he said he was not interested in a relationship - just a fling. I went no contact. And it still comes back as angry intrusive thoughts. All it did was embarrass me + give the guy a big ego 🤷🏻‍♀️ didn’t really help at all!!! I wouldn’t recommend confronting the person - just end it yourself.

[@pourfloix948]

That is the point of breaking out of limerence though. she explicitly mentioned that youre going to have to face the short period of embarrassment that comes from rejection. it's not about whose ego is fed; picture this: if you're in the guy's situation and someone who you dont want to commit to confesses their feelings, would you tell them you want to be with them despite your head and heart saying otherwise? At least now it's made clear to you that he's only looking for a fling, thus you can start moving forward to find someone who actually wants a serious commitment. regardless, im proud of you for what you did!

[@Fabyskan]

​@@pourfloix948 Man the rejection is kinda worthless for the limerence itself. The mind knows the truth but tries to hide it anyway

[@tu55Daniel18-ey8tt]

I agree, I had the exact same thing. I revealed my intentions, long story short it didn't end up happening, and ended up feeling more angry/obsessed etc. So revealing how you feel does NOT overcome limerence One benefit of it though, is it gives you a reality based confirmation that your fantasy is false to get rejected. Its painful, but at least an orientation into reality...

[@valerierussell6867]

I confronted my man, and he wasn't into a commitment. My feelings dropped. Until he said that he wanted more, lol. Now it is over, and I see it for what it was. What a high though!

[@andziagreen4922]

I hear you 1000%. I was there too. I regret doing even amends to my ex for my part of dysfunction. It only stroked his ego. I got no apology or closure for the sudden discard just before we suppose to go to my home country together. I went no contact without knowing what is it. His cold & hot during relationship and later disrespect and ignorance played hard on my mind. It's been 20 months and only now I see progress in my recovery. I'm recovering love addict and gratefull for that lesson coz I am finally healing that neurological damage in my brain which attracted me to this individual and few others. 🙏 God bless everybody who can find their solitude and recovery.

[@michaelhussey440]

At 5.22 the key point is made : that when certainty is established , when you cannot ever maintain hope , fantasy or expectation, then limerance evaporates for good.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks you, I’m glad you feel the resonated

[@mariposarosa3]

This leaves out so many important things. People who experience limerence are often lacking severely in getting their needs met real life, have a history of trauma, their relationship with themselves is broken, and when someone is attracted to them they lose interest, because their psyche never learned how to accept love since real love was never available. Additionally, the LO often embodies qualities they themselves need to develop and strengthen. Addressing these issues is how to get over limerance, trying to force oneself to follow the steps in the video by sheer willpower before addressing the underlying causes will lead to certain failure and recurrence, possibly with a different LO.

[@natatattful]

Agreed

[@raymondkymsuttle]

This isn’t meant to be a comprehensive examination of limerence. It’s not a lecture or deep dive into the underlying causes because that information is covered elsewhere. It’s meant to be a helpful starting point for people who have no idea where to begin in terms of breaking the cycle. I am experiencing a problem with my new roommate & there are several very practical suggestions in this video that will hopefully help me shift my behavior & get over my feelings for him which are slightly unusual because I absolutely do not want a love relationship with him but I do want the sex that we had initially to continue. He’s already says he doesn’t want sex again because he gets bored easily. So my key takeaway from this is: stop trying to spend time with him. He’s clearly not interested in me so when he holes up in his room, I need to stop trying to get him to engage with me & just get on with all the other meaningful things I have in my life. So you may find this insufficient but I’ve found it very helpful.

[@sandrag9451]

I keep writing down: "I don´t want a man who doesn´t want me."

[@giuseppeeduardociraci513]

Or "I want a man who wants me" :)

[@sandrag9451]

@@giuseppeeduardociraci513 thank you! Always good to formulate positively 😊

[@YogawithAliBeale]

This always has helped me. I truly don't want someone who doesn't want me the way I want them.

[@SpiralMystic]

Limerence isn’t always about an unrealistic possibility of a relationship. A new connection can be mutual and become a relationship but we can experience the day-dreaming, the imagining the object as offering more than they have, fantasising deep loving scenarios, idealising…. The limerence makes us crave their attention and we self-abandon and disregard what we want. We waste a lot of time worrying why they haven’t texted back rather than living our lives. So the risk is the relationship actually happens but we learn that the person isn’t even right for us, or either way we lose ourselves.

[@butifltravel]

Came here to say this. Spot on!

[@geekyogurtcup]

Great video!! I have clients who have limerant patterns who really struggle to stop fantasising. They even find a certain comfort in it, despite the distress it is ultimately causing.

[@TheSoftLifeMeditations]

I am in shock and at the same time i feel so much relief. I suffered from limerence for such a long time and didnt know. I started to get limerent on someone recently and today I had the realisation that something is totally wrong about this feeling. It came to me after realising I prefer to fantasize than actually be with that person, etc. Insane

[@lf9341]

So true!

[@karenpoirier9352]

Doctor Becky, your video on lamerence actually saved me. I have been in very deep for 6 years. He is high dismissive avoidant. Never a yes never a no

[@katie3740]

This was a huge awakening for me. I’ve struggled with limerence for the last 14 years. For the last 7 months, I’ve gone back and forth between obsessing over my ex to jumping into toxic relationships/hookups back to obsessing. We were even still hooking up for a little while after the breakup even though he was telling me he’d never date me again. I was in denial. I feel so relieved that I’ve learned all of this. I realize that it’s incredibly problematic and I never want to be in a situation like it again. My hope is that by acknowledging it and understanding it, I can avoid these situations in the future. I already have made progress without knowing it, there were 2 guys I cut off that just wanted to hook up or were emotionally unavailable.

[@dianamarkin]

loved the part about secrecy - the number one alliance of limerance

[@jurieccilliers]

Something to add is: "Get out of the house and meet many new people." This can also go with doing new things that interest you to guide the mind away from the limerent object and toward your SMART goals.

[@yamiletvazquez1812]

I’ve struggled with Limerence all my life and it usually happens when I feel bored or stuck. If I’m going through a tough time mentally my brain will automatically go to Limerence. I finally found the person I’m obsessed with and omg! This guy is so wrong for me he tried Gaslighting me the day after I found him again. I remembered why it did not work out in the beginning and I did cry it felt like a breakup my feelings were hurt but my mind is clear and there’s no way I can allow this person back in my life. I was happy I found him again but now I know and it’s easier for me to let go. Certain songs that give motivation and strength are on repeat and I’m getting better at staying present it’s not easy but I’m getting better. There is hope you’re not crazy it’s embarrassing yes but hey I’m not the only one going through this and that helps.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks for sharing this, if you need any support at any point just let us know.

[@Golf2foto]

Step no 6 is crucial! Although the most intense case of limerance I ever had was for a “devout catholic” who pretended to be looking for the right woman and strung me along platonically while at the same time “casting” other women. I felt so humiliated when I met him with one of them.

[@DonWon4725]

Thanks for sharing, I've personally been suffering for many years over obsession about past love. After many years of no contact with the said person of this obsession my mind was playing tricks on me saying she would return one day which clearly inaccurate, ponder the days when she would return then coming to self realization something was wrong with me personally speaking. After doing online research came across the term Limerence sat back read people technical terms and discussed things with friends this clearly what was happening to me. Dealing with Limerence is clearly journey all its own by knowing this is half the battle won thanks to those on youtube for sharing your experiences because this has changed my profoundly in positive way. I can personally see the happiness coming to life again and feelings of great joy contentment. Hope those who come across this will find the same joy and freedom I'm experiencing right now.

[@gowtham7231]

In the past I didn't know I am going through limerance. But in the recent times, I became self aware about this behaviour of mine even though I can't control the emotional pain that comes from being alone. Some of the points you described, I actually started following because of my self sabotaging tendencies due to limerance. But the way you went deep into the reasons behind those behaviours shed new light on my understanding of my behaviours. This is really a good video.

[@O.E.G.95]

This was one of the most helpful videos I have ever watched and the honesty was SO appreciated

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@O.E.G.95 oh thank you so much, that’s so kind of you to say, I’m glad you found it helpful.

[@harishgopi707]

You just saved me mam. I really appreciate your words here.. thank god I looked it up here. Never knew a word for it. Just getting to know more about it. Thank you so much.

[@harshita05ag]

Dr Becky thank you so much for this video ❤ Feels like i was just snapped back to reality :)

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Oh great I’m glad you found it helpful.

[@qtben17]

Thank you for this video. It’s well detailed, logical, very helpful.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

You are very welcome, I’m glad you found it useful.

[@juisjuis551]

After 10years, I confessed my undying love to the person. They said they only saw me as a friend and they had a girlfriend. I felt free for 3 days, but then I had dreams and visions that their gf was just a practice gf and that they really loved me. I believed this and four years later, nothing has changed on their part ... im heart broken and still in the back of mind I think "maybe". There has got to be drugs for this... I just want to be free.

[@kellythielen8194]

Prozac

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

NAC is a health supplement I think 1800 mg is minimum dose it has been shown to help with OCD. In my experience of limerence it has an OCD component. Good luck

[@lf9341]

@@juliaskagfjord6207 It does!!!!

[@Saffronelle]

i fell into love addiction again without realising as i was grieving the loss of my mum. I was so focused on my mum I couldn't see what was happening with this guy. I am a love addict and I know better than to bring up these feelings within myself but I didn't protect myself. I don't want a relationship, it's just the addiction. I think limerance is more than love addiction, though.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and the challenges you're facing with love addiction. It's understandable that during times of grief, emotional vulnerabilities can surface, making it challenging to recognize and navigate patterns of behavior. Limerence is often described as an intense emotional state involving romantic attraction and infatuation, and it can be related to love addiction. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward breaking the cycle. Consider seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you explore and manage these feelings. Therapy can provide valuable tools and insights to address love addiction, navigate grief, and build a healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and there are resources available to support you through these challenges.❤

[@jaytheradicalhomosapien6018]

Hi this video really had an impact on me it opened my eyes to what I was struggling with I’m now on the path to a better me thank you for that

[@Jeanjackettty]

You're brilliant Dr Becky, thank you

[@christinamarti4441]

Thank you for explaining so clearly, I’ve always known there is an issue with me and attachments I have no memory or very little knowledge of my childhood, my mom was removed from her mom along with her siblings, the story goes her mom had an affair her father took the kids away and took them to another country this happened in the early 1900 sad story I’m sure my mom was not nurtured thank you for your help

[@anabelgarcia8602]

I just learned about this concept yesterday. It explains a lot 😔 This video was very helpful! 🙏🏼

[@DemFoam]

I've been rejected and still stay in the limerant state. How awful. I can imagine how ppl must view me. But this can contribute to my autistic burnout also. Taking this to therapy for sure. ❤

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Experiencing rejection while still being in a limerent state can indeed be incredibly challenging and painful. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed by these emotions, especially considering the impact it can have on your well-being and potentially contributing to autistic burnout. Seeking support through therapy is a positive step towards navigating these complex emotions and finding healthy coping strategies. Remember, it's okay to seek help when needed, and therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop tools to manage them effectively. You're taking a proactive approach to prioritize your mental health, and that's something to be proud of.

[@DemFoam]

@@dr.beckyspelman Thank you for this reminder.

[@ciancoyle9913]

Needs jesus

[@DemFoam]

@@ciancoyle9913 😂😂 Such a bandaid blanket statement to make about someone you know nothing about. Please go judge people somewhere else, with peace and love. I have my own beliefs. Thanks.

[@GreenCloud492]

9 years ago I left my husband because I one day woke not in love with him, and now I am again obsess with a man who broke up with me but here I am forcing him to go back to me and acting as if he didn't hurt me. I can't stop myself. The intrusive thinking is making me feel so terrible! Even if he tried to make me realize the truth that we are not together now, I am still acting as if it is not true because I can't accept it. It is a really painful and so dehumanizing experience but I can't stop myself. I know that I am loosing my self respect but still I always procrastinate the day of getting over him. I wish this will end soon. I don't know why after all the pain he is giving me I still think of him and almost 90% of it are about good things. It feels like a curse. I hate this even if I love him so much.

[@puabi666]

Simply what is being said take what ever you can get, no attraction but anyone who can commit.

[@chrishaynes599]

Yeah this seems to be advocating for settling

[@arrenjaymeabel946]

I should have watched this long time ago

[@beyourself9162]

A very good trick is to fill your life with things you love to do. This kept me away from unrealistic expectations. And it grounded me a lot in the now. Being in the now is sexy….

[@CobaltLobo]

This was unbelievably helpful, thank you so much. Gives me hope that I’ll get over him sooner than later and can move forward with my life 💙

[@Nicolas_0456]

Hello! And here I am again 😄🐕 Happy new year! Thank you for this new video!

[@smonomono4194]

This is an absolute GOLD MINE of a video!!

[@Bojanmarsetic]

The 19 minutes I will never forget. Thank you so much again.

[@wilsoni3294]

Thank you so much. God bless you❤

[@ireok4316]

Incredibly clear, realistic and helpful. Thank you❤

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

OOO LOVE THIS PRESENTATION!

[@mariamfelici3731]

I’am a victim of someone with limmerence… it’s been HELL. The thing he is married (no children) and I think he is almost 60yrs old. I am in my 40s, married with children. He is always trying to talk to me at church, I noticed because he was bumping into me, accidentally brushing and started touching my arms and bringing me food. Is very creepy. I feel alone because I think people don’t believe what I am experiencing. In all of the occasions my husband wasn’t present. He thinks they are friends “brothers in Christ” 😣

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear this, this seems more than just thoughts in his head (limerence). The best thing to do is to directly tell him you aren’t interested or if you accidentally touches off you again say “sorry you touched off me please respect my physical space” then if it continues you have made it clear that the attention is unwanted so the police will be more likely to do something if you have made this clear.

[@mariamfelici3731]

@@dr.beckyspelman thank you! He continued following me at church and the thing got worst. I felt harassed and had to report him with one of the leaders. He wanted a reason why I wasn’t talking or ignoring him to the point he waited for my husband at church and asked him and wrote him too questioning my behaviors 😳My husband finally wrote back and made it very clear. He totally blamed me “she has always shunted me… I was trying to include her in our conversations… I am perplexed, I am hurt… if it was the pastor or the elder she wouldn’t feel the same”. My husband didn’t wrote back. Finally this Sunday he didn’t tried anything. My husband said hi to him 🙄We will see how it goes. I really don’t want anything to do with him.

[@lf9341]

No this is not limerance but a creep.

[@zita7445]

May we all be free 🙏🙏

[@MeAnINFP]

That doesn't quite make sense saying that if you experience rejection then the limerence will go away. Limerence is about unrequited feelings about an unattainable person and frankly it's still there when the other person says they see you only as a friend, aren't interested in a relationship, say no if you ask to date them, etc. Although blurry boundaries even after they say this is common and it is triggered initially by uncertanity. The only thing that really works imo is to go no contact.

[@Alicia-cq9si]

So well said! I have to keep reminding myself that the man has never approached me so I can only assume not interested. That uncertainty about what he is really thinking gets to me though. Also, not always possible to go no contact when you work with them or they live across the street! It's so hard.

[@SrishtiO-k2h]

@@Alicia-cq9si good advice!

[@mafaldascorn3044]

Hmm, I think it depends, it once worked really well for me, but I had not been in the limerance state for a long time yet, so asking him and getting bluntly rejected and really seeing with my own eyes that he didn´t like me at all in that way solved it for good. Never ever I wasted a single thought on him again. The other though.... he is always communicating a little and then ghosting me, once I almost begged him for closure but he just won´t give it to me and that it so much harder. 4 years, I think that was the longest I ever stayed in this state.

[@MariaM-qq6kv]

Wow you're everywhere! I saw you on an Avoidant Attachment video. Now limerence. You're in my stream of consciousness!

[@zolongOne]

Limerence usually ends within 4 - 6 months after getting rejected.

[@kylehersey123]

Daaaaaang.... Game changer. this is really helpful, Thank you! Especially the part that starts at 8:08. That's the part I needed to hear. The security that has brought to my relationships in the past is palpable. Unfortunately so is the boredom. I've got some work to do. That's alright. I've come a long way. Thank you.

[@Iyana.]

This was very insightful and I definitely needed this. Currently in a bit of a love triangle and one option started out very limerent it was a very unrealistic idea I had of him but we talked it out and I’ve let it go but now my other friend and I have started something and he’s way more realistic for me but I can feel my fantasies happening with him and it just worries me that things won’t work out with him either.😢

[@mestre8280]

I have experienced this a couple of times and right now I am on the path to close this with the current one. He is a full blown Narcissist and I need to really understand what love really is because this isn’t it. It will never be healthy

[@esther9210]

My problem is I don’t want to date anyone unless I view them as “perfect.” I usually end up ghosting men or being distant if I don’t find them super attractive. I find it hard to force myself to be interested in them

[@puabi666]

Dear, nothing is wrong, what is pefect for u is not free of faults, you are just not interested.

[@cleaninggirl-2000]

Same

[@flip2724]

Idk why but that sounds normal

[@curvyblue2843]

I have the same problem. But in the past I have dated men that weren't physically attractive per say but made me feel good but they cheated. All of them cheat. After my ex husband got a woman pregnant I have been celibate and single for 6 years. I'm terrified to let anyone close to me ever again.

[@curvyblue2843]

I have been single for 6 years. Of course I'm bored but something weird just happened. I had a camper I needed hauled off so a friend gave this man my #. He called me and I gave him my address. Long story short while I was at the top of my driveway to help him find my place, I felt like something was about to change..I caught myself hoping he would be cute and sweet. He was both of those things because even though the camper wasn't what he thought it would be he hauled if off anyway and he fixed my car which saved me hundreds of dollars. He texted me and was very forward about having dinner, ect. He was supposed to come over to help me again and he made a stupid excuse his truck was messing up but he would try to stop by. The next day I text back and told him don't worry about it I'll get it figured out. I haven't heard from him since. This was just in 3 days! I was so excited I cleaned my house and felt happy and confident that he was nice to me...for a minute. 😢

[@dotsyjmaher]

Thank you...I just fell into this..and I really need to get control of it.

[@psychosocial474]

I think the first the steps are super hard, if you know, that the person like you too, but the circumstances (distance) make it unrealistic. I know, it's limerence and not real, but getting a clear "No, I m not interested." would make things much easier than this long distance friendship

[@hctangerine]

Omg thank you so much for these practical tips on how to get out of limerance

[@dr.beckyspelman]

You’re welcome, I’m glad you found them helpful

[@진달래-f3x]

This was very informative ❤

[@deveshmehta5580]

Only two words Thank you❤

[@christinamarti4441]

Very helpful video

[@silvermine2033]

This video was very helpful. Thank you!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you for your feedback!

[@s.a.6326]

Thank you for this video! ❤

[@vt6spd]

Over the last ten years, we have had an undeniable connection. Recently the connection has been broken. I can't get over the idea that maybe we can reconnect at a later time. So future tripping causes lots of anxiety...that uncertainty with anxious attachment. 💔

[@marguerita555]

Thank you Brightest Blessings ~

[@shadowman0428]

Dr. Becky your 13 steps is a Gold Mine. Its the bible to my past relationship mistakes. Is there anyone I can contact you for 1 on 1 session?

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@shadowman0428 Hi absolutely if you contact [e-mail] theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk or WhatsApp [phone] we can arrange a free initial chat and one to one sessions for you.

[@mnakiko]

Thank you for sharing your great advice! I’m Japanese, our language does not have just the right word to describe limerence. So few professional doctors/advisors of limerence are available. Anyway I'll cut off one-way friendship, write down who I am really looking for, and stay single for a while now.

[@Fabyskan]

Step 1: Done. Finding r/limerence was important for me. Step 2: Done. Had many talks with LO before we went NC. The "no chance" was helping like a week. Then it came back Step 3: Done. Its hard. To work on a healthy relationship while still being limerent as hell. Especially watching your partner suffer on your Limerent phases. Step 4: Have that. It is not really helping with the Limerence. It gave me another perspective. I honestly think that this is just creating more shame inside me because I feel guilty. Step 5: ok thats a hard one for me. Not sure how to find that stuff out. Step 6: Hook ups were never an option anyways. Step 7: Not a problem for me. Im super selective. Step 8: Man I am only limerent for one person and I quit contact in hopes to stop this curse. Step 9: I dont have this problem with other female friends. Step 10: Already doing for months. Step 11: So I can decide between intense pain, forever single or not very firey relationships? Is there no other way? Step 12: Selectful me has no problem here Step 13: We already had that. Seems that is the only thing I am actually missing in that list.

[@ALABRASILIANA]

Thanks for this! Brilliant!!

[@rogitarogirogi]

Thank you.

[@olga_b344]

Interesting video thanks. But what if the object of limerance is someone you’ve never met and never will. You can’t ask him out, you already know it’s unrealistic to fantasise about him and yet you still do? How do you stop thinking about that person? ❤❤❤

[@olga_b344]

@Lacking_something thanks. Very interesting!

[@nathlete87]

I appreciate your advice on being with someone who likes us more than we like them, but at the same time, it’s dangerous. I did this 3x and the men involved became limerent over me and did some crazy stuff bc I just did not reciprocate their interest. I realize this is a KZbin video and you can only share so much, but I’d advise people to be careful with that piece of advice. Just bc you are someone who tends to become limerent doesn’t mean you can’t become the LO. Being the LO is not flattering and just as uncomfortable.

[@keicoffman1508]

Yeah honestly I find her phrasing questionable in several parts of this video. Or, at least overly black and white. Also it doesn't make sense to tell people not to seek people who are less interested than them, while recommending they seek someone for whom THEY will be the "less interested" person. She could have just said "roughly equal interest."

[@MeenalNechaniya]

Hey ! Thank you so much 💜 great content ma'am. I guess i want to hear you more often or maybe everyday until i overcome this limerence or livesickness or whatever it is

[@Rouulioo]

Brilliant video

[@MegaGungaloo]

Thank u very much for your advice ,it help me a lot❤

[@aelstar]

This video was incredibly helpful. Thank you.❤️

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I’m so glad you like it. Thanks for your kind comment.

[@andreanegravelst-pierre4825]

I’ve been limerence over a colleague since 3 years now and I’ve been rejected by them over 3 times more in a more explicit way and over 10 times in a more subtle way but I still get the feeling that they secretly have something for me. The way they look at me just got me and I’m so happy and calm in their presence that I think this is what is keeping me hoping. My head knows it’s not the truth but my limerence emotional state is still there . I know if something had to happen it would already happened. I really don’t know how to overcome this pain anymore. I’ve tried to date someone else but it ended and I’m still single since then. I cannot just stop talking to them because we work together. I tried to limit my contacts but it’s just too hard and I always come back to wanting to talk to them. I’m hurting myself so bad with this story. I’m exhausted 😩

[@diezuckerbackerin5112]

It doesn't work. I've tried to be with persons who liked me more, than I did. It felt wrong and empty.

[@the_specialista6319]

Because you don't have to settle. Never. You're worthy of a great loving relationship.

[@AzulaBelladonnaBelvior]

I feel like that too😢

[@mafaldascorn3044]

I agree 100%

[@diezuckerbackerin5112]

@@the_specialista6319 yes, I know.

[@flip2724]

I'd say the best relationship is the one where both are equally interested

[@MaureenToews]

Thank you ✨💛🙏💛✨

[@helloswarnima]

too much helpful thanku

[@parisscissorhands]

I personally feel the piece about matching with someone that fits your status, affluence, or league is a bit of projection. How could you know what someone else likes? People have different preferences and wants. They don’t always want someone with the same economic status and what you might perceive as ugly is beautiful to someone else.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

You’re absolutely right that people have diverse preferences and attractions, and what one person values in a partner can be very different from what another person values. While some may prioritize similarities in status or lifestyle, others might find connection and compatibility in different qualities. Attraction is deeply personal and subjective, and it’s important to acknowledge and respect the variety of preferences that people have in their relationships.

[@ellenwertheimer]

Most of this was not true for me. My limerent objects were attainable, were appropriate partners for me, and reciprocated my romantic feelings. But we were doomed because I was idealizing/objectifying them, obsessing, using them as a substitute for a secure attachment figure that I didn’t get in childhood.

[@saf6164]

Same, even my friends used to say that we'd match and they didn't know that i had a crush on that person

[@randomkiliinterviews9453]

The assumption here seems to be that “ at the same level “ means at the same attractiveness level . In a kind of implied quantitative unidimensional way . The thing is that these cold mechanisms are a fact of life but I’d rather suggest to work on your social status or social skills , things you can influence to get to a higher level , than settle for someone just to not be alone .

[@SoulfulJim1]

At 5:15 She says she has never had a client who was still obsessed after being turned down. I know this isn’t true because it’s happed to me. You come up with reasons it didn’t work out and you think you could do something to change her mind or she doesn’t know you well enough or maybe she’ll change her mind if she breaks up with her boyfriend, and you think maybe that’s the reason you were turned down and that there is still a chance. In fact, there IS always still a chance, even if it is unlikely. I say this because I forced myself to ask her out as difficult as it was, for the purpose of ending the obsession, but it didn’t work. So now what?

[@bleunwenn]

Next stage is you get really sick of destroying your health with limerence and realize you deserve someone who makes things clear and choose you, and you walk away to regain peace.

[@SoulfulJim1]

@@bleunwenn I work at the same place and I literally can’t control my feelings about her.

[@bleunwenn]

@@SoulfulJim1 that’s tough when you can’t go no contact completely. In that situation I would consider looking for another job.

[@SoulfulJim1]

@@bleunwenn I know. It isn’t an easy job to leave, but I’m trying.

[@bleunwenn]

@@SoulfulJim1 good luck! 🍀

[@Ishtar2419]

My ex of 28 years is a narc. I tried to be his friend but he would breadcrumb me and was future faking so I stopped seeing him. I was going ok but then he sent me a text saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he will always love me and will never find another love like me and how he treasures our memories and the children we had and that he is so sad and lonely but we can’t emotionally reconcile and he’s sorry he hurt me. Stupid thing is I feel sorry for him because he is sad and lonely and has been going over seas as a passport bro at 61. It’s devastating that this is who he is now but I’m just so sad it was all fake.

[@puabi666]

You have forgotten to mention that we cannot sleep with someone or tolerate pple just because they want to commit. Better single!

[@Kimj119]

Hello to everyone reading this. Right now, I'm inconsolable. My ex-partner left a few weeks ago, and I am heartbroken and saddened since this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although I tried, I was unable to win him back. I don't know what to do, but I shouldn't be posting this here.

[@juliapeskova1638]

you said about how a person experiencing limerence can go for partners who are better looking. that stuck with me: what if i think that every person is way more attractive than me? or you’re talking about it’s just me thinking they’re better looking? how do i know that this is the case? i know it partly goes from being insecure but anyway i can’t get these thoughts out of my head

[@CristalLaLune]

It's exactly what I live... Only, I did go through the embarassement of being rejected... many times, and it doesn't stop. I have certainty... but it doesn't stop!!!

[@nyooooom3167]

I’m not even sure if it’s limerence, because I don’t have romantic feelings towards this person, it’s more motherly than anything. The way I care, the way I try my best to be gentle and to be a good friend without being too much (because my feelings are too much most of the time), the way I fight my saviour syndrome whenever they are sad or have any sort of trouble, it all just hurts too fucking much. It’s been two years and I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much ever. I can’t even confront them, because there’s nothing to confront about, we are good friends and both expressed our love for each other. I wish I could just rip them out of my heart and stop feeling so much. If mothers actually feel this way towards their children, I don’t think I could handle real motherhood.

[@TheGraduate702]

I just found out about limerence and I think I’m going through that right now. The guy I like is way older, separated from his partner, and is just not interested me. It sucks, but I’m working on it. 🙏🏻

[@guitarsz]

so helpful thank you!

[@A7LTEGugle]

In other words...(5:20)... Breadcrumbing creates & sustains Limerance. And its done intentionally by the perp. They live off our energy, attention, confusion & even the pain they Know theyre causing.

[@DeepaliMahajan-gl5wh]

Thank you for this video. I have been suffering from limerence since 4 years, since I have a baby with the limerent object. He is now married and has a second child himself, but he will always linger around and be in my child's life, atleast until she is 18 we will keep meeting or bumping or crossing each other's paths. Why do I get out of this, because the uncertainty and the hope and wishing that he will give me attention or get into a relationship with me is just feeding my limerence :(

[@Lighttub]

I always hear this : walk away after you set boundaries. How? Limerence is like light a sigaret... it 's this addiction of love ( even if it's fantasy) you don't tell an addict to just throw away their sigaret and thats the end.. if only it was that easy.. so how?? I really want to know how i can walk away more easily after this person has shows their no good for me. I keep staying longer than needed or giving another chance... I tried re-reading the stories, texts when it was bad, writing the pro's vs con's ... Meditation? Mindfullness? Working on selfworth... trying but they always pop back up in my thoughts. Its exhausting.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks for your questions. It takes a huge amount of discipline in the beginning, when you spot yourself ruminating about them you need to consciously move on from those thoughts. You also have to accept it’s like an addiction and don’t contact them etc.

[@Lighttub]

@@dr.beckyspelman i can't contact them, he blocked me after he broke up with text. I find myself going through old texts, seeing the disrespect and hurt he put me through. It makes me feel sick why i put up with this. I really want to let go earlier when i see this behaviour. He was playing with me alot , the breadcrumbs made me fantasize.💔

[@omgname]

You kept saying "walk away". The real question is how. If it is easy to do that, it wouldn't become a problem. It is just hard to let go of someone that you have feelings for.

[@kara4590]

Meditation 5min 5 times a day.

[@lilyngz]

Really love your advice. Very powerful, straightforward and correct

[@gamze6713]

I grew up so alone and started to live in my fantasy world, now I am an adult and it's so painful to get out of this limerence thing. I guess our brain hates emptyness so much that it tries to fill with thing are not real.

[@TicksiteBraak]

I experienced limerence for the first time. I never heard of this term, I didn't know this obsessive feelings had a name, but while searching on internet I discovered the term and found your video with helpful solutions. Thank you for uploading this, many things are now clearer to me, also how I can deal with this. I am a very perfectionist person and it is difficult for me to fall in love. I've been trying to make a list of things I want and expect in a relationship. But I just find it very difficult to determine when I am making too many onrealistic demands. Do you have some more examples/tips of this for me?

[@SD-xx7nu]

i’m not going to date someone that wants me more… i tried that for 10 years. horrible