How to Recover from a Challenging Childhood | Being Well

Dr. Rick and I explore a huge topic: what can we do to recover from a difficult childhood as an adult? Rick introduces a three step process that can help us reclaim our past, identify the key needs we have these days, and internalize related positive experiences. We discuss related tools from psychology like releasing repressed emotions, claiming agency where we can, and changing what we emphasize in the story of our lives. If you had a hard time growing up, this one’s for you.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:35 Recovering from childhood wounds - Reclaim, Resupply, and Repair
6:55 Clarifying your personal narrative, and the importance of agency
12:15 How the unmet needs from your past impacts your present
18:40 Changing what we emphasize in the story we tell ourselves
29:15 Letting the fizz out of the bottle
31:40 Identifying the right medicine for your unresolved wounds
37:35 How developing competency helps you break free from your past
41:40 Self-soothing through envisioning positive experiences
45:00 The process of letting go of the childhood you wish you had
57:50 Naming what you want from life, and the universal ground of being
1:02:00 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@alexsandramunro]

at 58 I feel like I've only just started prioritising myself. It feels so clumsy and the pushback seems massive. I'm not a religious person, but since standing up for myself, circumstances have felt almost supernaturally hard. It's difficult not to feel disheartened or like I'm somehow attracting the hardship. I feel a calling to reframe my childhood years for my own sake...to see and carry with me something apart the betrayal and abuse. The sheer weight of early traumatic experiences seems self perpetuating and *in my face* STILL. I truly hope I get to have a few good years, win the day and show my now grown boys that their Mum never gave up and that anything is possible 💚

[@fireworks4037]

Same. All of it. Even the age. Thank you for sharing. You've validated my experience.

[@earthpearl3790]

Thank you for sharing your experience and aspirations! I'm in a similar boat and have benefited from a modality of trauma work called Internal Family Systems (IFS), also called Parts Work. Best wishes!!

[@newmoon54]

You're certainly NOT alone! The scriptures say it best, "each day is sufficient for its badness"! Basically,, EVERYONE is subject to time and unforeseen occurrence,, which Christ himself mentioned in a discussion he had with his disciples, who didn't know that GOD isn't behind our difficult, tenuous times! It's so easy to fall into the negative self-condemnation(s) dilemma! It takes some genuine effort to face down negative self-talk,, or wrong thinking,, as well as the wrong advice from others! A place to start/begin is for all of us to truly embrace our own lives. We have been trained basically to think so very little about our lives, and the really super-incredible world we live on/on! The earth, (or as the astronauts affectionately call it, the ~blue marble~) and us upon it along with all animate & inanimate life as well, is so super-incredible that no scientist has ever been able to understand who we actually are,, let alone how we came into existence in outer space! In fact, no scientist, physicist, biologist, or any learned man or woman, has ANY IDEA about the "who, what, when, where, why and how" life came into being, especially because earth moves in a vacuum at ~66,600 mph~ which further confounds these scientific experts COMPLETELY!! Man has yet to figure out what our life force is, and how each person acquires his or her own soul!! My reason for bringing this up is to help you to always remember how "truly incredible and truly supernatural you are"! This is an actual fact!!! Everything about us is so beyond incredible! Try and reject the sadness of the past,, the past is just that,, it's PAST!!!! Life can be hard to deal with, as we see now in the middle east, where senseless killing by both sides seems to mean NOTHING,,, and women and children on both sides are brutally destroyed,,, and for what?!?!?! And the fact that they're blood relatives of each other,, FACT,, also means nothing?!?!?! So, we need to thank GOD the Creator of life, and love one another and console one another so that we can all heal from our past wounds, and finally realize that we are the most incredible beings on earth and in space,, as far as we know at this time!!!!! God bless and take a good look at who and what you are!!!! The most intelligent being in our universe!!!!!!!!! Cheers!!!!!!!

[@babycakes8434]

Good for you for fighting for yourself, and putting yourself first.

[@alexsandramunro]

@@fireworks4037 solidarity :) 🧡

[@irektaflinski5449]

I grew up feeling like I wasn’t enough, was doomed to a horrible future and no one would love because I wasn’t deserving!!! I felt lonely and unloved by the actions of many relatives 😢

[@earthpearl3790]

I an sorry you had to go through that. I've had similar traumatic experiences. Tara Brach Ph.D is a colleague of Rick Hanson's and has a podcast. Last week she gave a talk titled Spiritual Re-parenting. I found it very helpful. Warm wishes

[@parisaforpeace]

I also think developing a stronger, more solid sense of self helps fill that void. You reach a point where what others think about you becomes irrelevant as you feel more anchored and at peace with your self. So, connection with self is a big player in this. It's difficult to connect to others when connection to self is lacking.

[@SpottedTiger89]

I'm a therapist and struggle with this very subject for myself. I brought this up in my own therapy session just last week. Thank you for this amazing resource. I wish it were talked about more.

[@denisekleiner7767]

To witness the respectful relationship you both have is a gift of a wonderful example.❤

[@Eleerm]

Hi Forrest, thank you and your Dad for all the work you do and giving us this wonderful content. Not sure if you guys have done one on loss in childhood - but that would be so great. Personally, I experienced a great deal of losses in my childhood from death, divorce, mental illness, and moving. Thanks again!

[@beatsg]

And loss of childhood!

[@SatyrAzazel]

I loved Rick’s story of getting unstuck from an old view after experiencing a new more surreal view of things at his HS reunion. This actually sounds close to what’s done in coherence therapy, which used something called memory reconsolidation to bring moments like these to the forefront in a therapy session in order to emotionally activate the issue at hand while also bringing it’s cognitive purpose into view so that it can be worked through and changed in a meaningful way. If you guys haven’t gotten into this yet, it would be great if you checked into Tori Olds, who’s here on KZbin, or Bruce Ecker, who created the therapy, and maybe have one of them on. I love your work you guys, thank you for everything 🙏🏽😁

[@earthpearl3790]

For real, Tori Olds! I loved her talks on Internal Family Systems (IFS)! She has a wonderful capacity for explaining in depth processes in ways that make them relatable and easy to understand

[@ingveldurstefansdottir8186]

Thank you so much for your wonderful podcast, very helpful and supportive. You guys are wonderful ❤️Tuning in from Iceland 🇮🇸

[@kerscherdon2531]

This was such an insightful discussion. Thanks so much for how such difficult topics is discussed with so much empathy, clarity and sensitivity. Well done on yet another great podcast!

[@Rebecca0010]

*wakes up at 5 AM for no reason* I’m thinking about this right now, I love popping in when you just posted.

[@movewithmike]

I've listened to this podcast on Spotify twice and am now enjoying the KZbin version! Thank you both for the INCREDIBLY valuable episodes you've been putting out lately. These are gold! Is there room in your family to adopt me?

[@timk7073]

Listening to Rick and Forrest talk about these topics calms me down. Thanks for the great content!

[@janadominika]

same here, iI teally appreciate the energy and the dialogue between the son and the father figure in such a smooth and pleasant synergy. Love it.

[@dinarestivo2584]

Agreeed

[@jacobfingeret2087]

Such an awesome episode. Probably one of my favorite you’ve ever done (other than the self abandonment one maybe). Those two alone have the power to change the way people relate to others and their selves in my opinion. Thank you Forrest and Rick for another awesome episode!!

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you! I was really happy with this one.

[@michellebee7258]

It's really touching to experience the wonderful relationship between you and your dad. I have learned so much from many of the episodes you create, I love how you do such a fine job of recapping all the information at the end of the episode. I entered into counseling in my twenties and worked through some things from the past, I am in counseling again 30 years later, but what has helped me alongside the counseling experience is listening to how your dad articulates and brings logic, sense and closure to issues. I love how he precisely puts forward what to reflect on. I wish I could see your dad as a counselor. I will take the suggestion and write a letter to my deceased mom as your dad suggested. I have experienced loss; my dad, mom, my grandma before the age of 18 also quite recently my partner of 17 years. Maybe you could do an episode about loneliness, fear, death. Anyway, thanks for what you do and provide to people.

[@matthanley3799]

I really needed to hear this episode right now. I'm going through the process of unpacking my childhood trauma and looking at it from an adult perspective. It's been difficult but very positive.

[@mhopwood1]

I'd say you need an additional letter to parents. Not only the Angry Version, and the Sad Version: also the Bitter / Disgusted Version. Only then can you move on to the regulated one. The wisdom of REM: "WITHDRAWAL IN DISGUST IS NOT THE SAME AS APATHY"

[@irektaflinski5449]

Thank you for this !!! I have lived through the self others told me and for that reason have suffered and almost destroyed my life! But without knowledge spiritual beliefs and using linking and reclaiming my God as my father and mother and hope for a better tomorrow helped me walked through these years in the land of Egypt (slavery). 😢

[@rozneilson8696]

Thank you, much food for thought... some stuff that I need to process and put into practice.

[@soumyajoseph7429]

I'm so jealous of Forrest's relationship with his Dad. Please bring more healthy family relationships on your show, so your audience can see and model for themselves who and how and what we (the dysfunctional) could be! 34 minutes: "OMG" like half the problem is that we're filling the car with gas to fix a flat tire, because were' really good at earning praise for accomplishments for emotional fulfilment.

[@joannahediger7820]

Let’s not forget that who other people think you are is very heavily skewed through their own perceptions. Since you’re talking about childhood, insecurities and jealousy are huge drivers of childhood interpersonal behavior. It isn’t only you many people react to, it’s mostly themself.

[@mjparent222]

i love that ! All of it. Shared with my daughter. I was a good enough mother, but hey what can we do, imperfectly done. But still lots of love. I am still learning many things and you are very helping me get clearer in my mind about how enough I am and I was regarding all the situation and circumstances of life. the rich life, full of surprise. Thank you for everything.

[@vivienlegeisha3425]

So much to unpack! I listened to the podcast twice and feel that I could listen to it at least two more times!

[@christinaward161]

This has been a great podcast. I was particuary pleased to hear you speak of 'the childhood i wanted to have' ,as i have a tricky teen going through this . As a parent, who has done their best, knowing your child feels that way is hard. So this section of the podcast was really helpful to me. Thankyou both .

[@bones642]

So cool you got to do this subject with your dad. Kind of an example of how things _should_ be. Made me cry bc I miss my dad. That’s priceless tbh. 🍀 mines still alive but he’s not the same person he was when I was little. I did have a great early childhood though. I go back there a lot in my daydreams.

[@earthpearl3790]

Check! You might find this beneficial > > > Towards the end there were two processes, one involved letter writing and the other was a cool Gestalt exercise you might consider. Both were offered for people whose parents / others are either no longer around or it's not appropriate today. Sending care

[@ritasjourney]

Glad someone is mentioning peer influence. I’ve always felt this wasn’t given enough attention.

[@earthpearl3790]

Thank you, I love this topic, the presentation and the wonderful chemistry between you! As someone whose life has been affected by early trauma, neglect and abuse I had trouble embracing some of the suggestions. I think spending time investigating the longings of one's parts can be very productive. I also appreciated the letter writing and Gestalt processes that were shared. Thank you for your beautiful work, I share it all the time!

[@marem1842]

Thank you, I learned so much from hearing both perspective’s.

[@foratabdulsalamfaris4796]

Very interesting and important topic, actually I faced a lot of challenges, obstacles and difficulties in my life in almost all aspects. And despite that I didn't have a good childhood, I really miss my childhood. 👏

[@lmansur1000]

I like this program - father and son...sweet, comforting and so very helpful! Will listen again for sure and did share on Facebook and with a friend. Thank you!

[@heathermercer3070]

Thank-you to both of you. I loved the three R framework and think its really helpful to see how to move forward and also understand the process that's continually unfolded for me

[@ronatege]

Great podcast. You and your dad are amazing. I wish I could speak to one of my parents on emotional topics as you do. You are so lucky! It was not accepted at my home. I was always emotional so lonely, and I was not accepted for who I was and am . Till this day, contacting my parents is not by choice

[@kaoutar6921]

Thank you so much every word you say make sense keep up ❤

[@oleksiisemenchuk9613]

Thank you, that is really important and helpful!

[@ddieter603]

Compassion and forgiveness are the furthest things from my mind at this point in my life. I am disabled in no small part because of the old folks' shit. My brother died over the old folks' shit. Maybe, if I stay in therapy and talk about it for the rest of my life, I can forgive the old folks for myself. But never, ever for my brother.

[@rlabarbera]

Not everything is forgivable and we can't always afford to give compassion or forgiveness, especially to people who aren't sorry! This idea off forgiving everything and everybody is bs imo . There's also a risk of skipping over the anger which is unhealthy.

[@amberinthemist7912]

Forgiveness is for people who are sorry.

[@lukefisch9483]

I’m so sorry

[@tnt01]

You do not need to forgive in order to heal and be happy.

[@danieltemelkovski9828]

No one here knows the details of your situation, so we can't really tell you what to think. But as time passes, as you yourself change, sometimes it's surprising that previously 'unforgivable' things suddenly become 'forgivable' and even 'easy' to put behind you and leave in the past. No guarantees, but the possibility, I'm willing to assert, does exist.

[@user-rz9pz4qc1b]

Thank you so much for such a comprehensive and useful podcast. I'll have to watch it again and take notes!

[@AmandaKiconco]

Its been so eye opening and you simplified the possibility of healing which we all need at some points in our lives so well

[@kimedison6677]

Very helpful content, very thoughtfully delivered. Thank you

[@janetgarske8198]

I agree! This was a fabulous podcast!

[@angelakh4147]

You came along for me at just the right time. I have spent the last three years in therapy coming to terms with what was done to me by the very people who should have loved me the most. I feel like I am at a point where it is time to move on from who they are, why they do what they do, and what it did to me. Now it is time to focus on me and living my life to the fullest. You guys really are helping me with that. Thank you!

[@LauraHearfield]

You two and your offerings are such an extraordinary gift. I can't thank you enough for sharing such compassionate insight and knowledge with us about these life-defining and mind-altering topics.

[@patriciacole8773]

What I notice is that many people are emotionally immature and don’t know how to communicate by way of conversations. Arguments abound. Hugely people seem unable to share information through conversations.

[@diannbarnes7016]

I have enjoyed your podcast. I have been helped in the past with therapy. Good information here.

[@mistakenmillenial6834]

You guys are amazing. Dream team ❤

[@pmukherjee1237]

Thank you

[@patriciacole8773]

Please talk about the 16 character types and how we’re tested. What makes health and what are difficult people like.

[@vLovedkate]

so helpful ❤

[@TruthTeller-ez7ev]

Great topic.

[@nettewilson5926]

My childhood was awesome. My entire adulthood has sucked. I knew it would, too. I often wish I had died as a young. Too late now!

[@pmukherjee1237]

Thanks!

[@rgmartin1040]

I really identified with the idea of filling the tank with gas when I really need to change the tire! Great insight for me to take up learning to change tires.

[@annadau8612]

Hello Forest, love your KZbin channel as it has so many fantastic and educational interviews. Would you ever consider talking about the surge of gentle parenting on your channel? ❤

[@gailparsons6267]

Only watched this three times and now onto fourth....fab, So useful it hurts.

[@donna-leeparkes3635]

Great content

[@Natascha-zh9sj]

Firstly I am so grateful for your videos, and deeply moved by your enabling of emotional enrichening and nurturing and guidance... What about autism??? I'm an autistic woman, please tell me a video will help me and my partner navigate my new diagnosis

[@emilyhosea5999]

Please write a book about this!

[@michaelboulos3272]

❤❤❤

[@lukefisch9483]

Holy macaroni y’all, learning about urself is crazy.

[@missbettyboop2509]

Im so envious of you for having a great parent...but hey ho

[@martygarcia4219]

Do you keep referring to tour guest as dad? Did I miss something?

[@Mushroom321-]

" reclaim, repair "

[@moiramahony8319]

Celcius are Non-freedom units! What does that mean, Forrest?

[@vivianamartinez1050]

“Releasing the yearning for something different” harsh stuff, my cringe meter just went up

[@gymnasticlife1788]

Love the cringe meter effect lol

[@SpottedTiger89]

Lol! Seek out the cringe, embrace the cringe 😊

[@greentree5448]

I admire and adore both you and your father. But childhood trauma is HUGE, and it's frustrating when an hour-long podcast entitled "How to Heal from a Challenging Childhood" purports to have answers. Because you don't have answers, Forrest. The approaches you discuss with your dad, Rick, is all very top down. This develops insight and awareness, yes, but does absolutely nothing to heal Developmental Trauma. And you already know that. And we all know you know that. So please stop. Just stop. All you're doing is luring traumatized folks in with an enticing headline only to deliver to them the same empty bullshit, the same platitudes, that every other "healing" content creator delivers. Listening to two men discuss healing - and how hard your respective journeys were - when neither one of you has ever experienced developmental trauma is just a wee bit galling.

[@dakine4238]

Why do you force your laugh at times? Sometimes it's at strange times that don't fit the flow. Helping people heal deep wounds is not cringe. Appreciate your dad for sharing insights.

[@tmcoug1]

It's so interesting how we read other peoples' expressions in comparison to our own without realizing the bias. The more intensely I zero in on others critically, the more it's about me. One of the best parts of this podcast for what ails me, is seeing father and (grown) child interact light-heartedly (or dare I say, "normally") while submerged in serious discussions. In my house, asking for the salt or pepper at dinner was life threatening. Much appreciation to you and these sharers of life. 🙏😑

[@dakine4238]

@@tmcoug1 I find your response interesting as well. It seemed to trigger something for you. What did I say that was so wrong?

[@bethraflowers5799]

❤❤❤