"HOW TO RECOVER FROM A DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT" with Tawny

[@montserratpuebla4629]

"Healing doesn't really happen until you let go of that hope". That's the truth. Thanks!

[@SherriFlemming]

Exactly don't be addicted to hope. See the reality. Let go of what does not serve you well. When you make peace with yourself, you win. It's emotionally healthy.

[@wg8859]

@@SherriFlemmingHealing after first letting go.

[@SherriFlemming]

@@wg8859 Yes. From Self Love To Self Healing - Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞

[@Ken-od7gc]

Very validating thank you! She wouldn't fully discard so I finally walked. It is a horrible experience. But let me tell those struggling, taking back your power and walking away was and is such a relief and a confidence builder.

[@tracyf1054]

The same thing is happening to me. I asked them if they want me to leave and it’s dead quiet. I left anyway to protect myself. Awful experience.

[@wg8859]

@@tracyf1054 Painful.

[@teralecole316]

Tawny is spot on! The moment I gave up hope, my true healing process started. Giving up hope is key 🔑. It’s the only way.

[@chirokathleen]

Being discarded is really hard. It’s a year later and my nervous system is still healing. Rationally I’m good, I’m happier and peaceful. And I still have feelings that I wasn’t good enough and he’s all good. It touches a deep wound that comes from childhood for many of us. Never again.

[@blueheaven4838]

True sister. The key or only antidote is loving yourself completely and fearlessly

[@Anna-zo7rz]

It's sickening that us normal people are the ones left having to do the work of recovery and the avoidants get to skip off fancy free.

[@Julesyoutoo]

It really is sickening. I'm currently grieving over my avoidantly attached ex-partner of five years, and he's shown no sadness whatsoever.

[@millennialmedusa]

It is sickening, but just because they don't show it doesn't mean they aren't hurting as much if not more than you, because they are broken shells of humans. Its a reflection of them not you , don't forget to remember that ❤️‍🩹

[@williamjlusk7940]

On the whole, they don't realize how toxic and hurtful they are. Seriously! JMS, my ex, is so closed off and miserable inside she doesn't even know it. They feign OCD and think they're more educated and aware than they really are - I've developed compassion for their ignorant innocence. Let them go! Not worth it! Cut your losses! I did, and am sooo much better off!

[@THEYOGAFACE]

No one is normal

[@tramey6]

The really hard part is that they can present secure and available, then everything changes but they say nothing and your intuition kicks in but that cognitive dissonance is strong. This makes this brutal. But the key is letting go, truly. The healing begins then. It's a journey for sure.

[@DobermanDanK9]

How would you describe your cognitive dissonance? What was happening to have you in that dissonance

[@wg8859]

⁠@@DobermanDanK9 Excuse me for jumping on your answer… I’m still processing how this impacted me and the relationship. It is still very fresh… In those early days and building connection a shift occurred beyond the normal rhythm. While I noticed the shift and then the changes it was subtle and not linear. I didn’t accept the direction really was happening despite my reaching out to him abt my confusion. For me the dissonance was the gradual shift from joyful connection to withdrawal- no longer present, interested or seeming to care. For a while the relationship sort of zig zagged between connection then distance…. fluctuating ambivalence on his part… until his cognitive distortions amped up along with his resistance/ lack of openness , then the anger… it was was bewildering, frustrating, infuriating and painful. Of course I went into full Explaining- Myself-Mode which prolonged my disorientation. My dissonance . I was aware on one level ( noticing) but clueless about his motivations and purpose . I hope describing my own experience may help clarify yours… just hoping it’s not TMI.

[@wg8859]

So well said.

[@anniiKn]

I had to watch this multiple times because it was so validating! Even as someone with all the knowledge that she has, it's still not enough to fix a person. They can only do that for themselves and DA's are so entrenched in their fears.

[@tawnyloveless]

So entrenched. No matter our skill level, it’s ultimately them who must make the decision and do the work. Which is near impossible as they IGNORE all of it.

[@wg8859]

@@tawnyloveless Yup. Cannot summon the bravery/courage to even consider that insight is the beginning … let alone attempt the work.

[@AABTBS]

16:20 EXACTLY!! Being their "therapist" is one of our own deeper motives to engage and stay in these wounded dysfunctional relationships - It feels a void in some of us, gives us a sense of meaning and purpose, and also gives us a subconcious way of not dealing with our issues, and focusing on them. Avoiding our own pains. Once I understood that it was so significant in shifting the focus back to my own issues, seeing the CHOICE I make in picking up very wounded partners. Pay attention to this aspect ❤

[@Genxmom]

I am going through the aftermath of this now. It was short but brutal. This was not my first merry go round with a DA. It does feel like a drug at first but the withdrawal is not worth it. 😢

[@Cat-pk1lo]

9 months ago I left my D.A. of 12 years. It doesn't get any better if you don't understand. Hard and so traumatic. Hurts worse than having a baby.

[@thepuffinburrow]

Just went thru a breakup of a 5 yr relationship with a DA female. So much of what is said about these people is so spot on. The breakup was so cold from this person and nothing really bad happened. Its been rough dealing with someone like this. I definetly felt neglected in the relationship and i definetly felt like there was a bait and switch

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

Its attachment. It hurts because we dont love ourselves enough to choose ourselves over them. Dont choose someone who doesnt choose you. Focus on your own healing and let them go. They’re not that great anyway.

[@Taylor_Frenchiebaby]

i’m sorry you went thru that. i hope you are feeling better now. my ex was a fearful avoidant, she couldn’t treat me right, but she couldn’t let me go. and i have never felt so intensely about somebody in my life i imagine that’s what being with your soulmate feels like. there was unfaithfulness, and i had to let go AND have the strength to tell her no when she came back. that was hard after 6 months of breaking and letting her back in and a week later having to leave because of her switch ups. it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced in my entire life. and at 24 i very tragically lost my dad, he passed away. and this shit was 3 times harder than that. first time in my life i actually just wanted to die in my sleep so the pain would end. not religious but i’m praying for you.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@Taylor_Frenchiebaby Terrible experience to never go through it again.

[@JmiLyn444]

I'm trying to let go of the hope right now, this is so ugly and I wish I never met him.

[@Robinrapunzel]

Im sorry. I’m there too. It’s so excruciating. 4 years of hoping if I’m clear enough, empathetic enough, patient enough etc.. he would see that I’m genuine and safe for him. He’s left and come back a few times. My fault for allowing it. I’m sick and have changed so much. Everyone has noticed. I’m finally inching my way back, and I’m much better but I will never be the same.

[@scribeLeo]

@@Robinrapunzelhope you’re feeling better. I’m here too. Seven years of being patient, trying not to push, desperately trying to always be the cool girl so he wouldn’t run. But after so many years, I started to push for more. More integration, more of a partnership, more of him. I walked away. And he has been coming and going for months. Coming close, telling me he loves me and I’m the love of his life, only for him to shut down and push me back away. It’s torture. I’ve given up hope.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

@@Robinrapunzelwhat was the longest period of time apart?

[@Robinrapunzel]

@@susannahpearethcan5ing 6 months.

[@eminabrestovac]

me too :(

[@livewires8637]

Great discussion gang. Very succinct. I’m not new to attachment theory but new to this level of depth regarding avoidant attachment. What strikes me most in discussions like this is how we give the avoidant all the credit possible (they can change if they put in years of work, they don’t choose to act this way its a fear based compulsion, etc) yet the end answer 99% of the time is to save yourself by leaving. While narcissism and avoidants are not the same thing the behavior and end result is.

[@tawnyloveless]

So true. That’s why giving up that hope is the first key to stepping into the true healing process.

[@misspeach3755]

Every narc is a DA, but not every DA is a narc.

[@livewires8637]

@@misspeach3755 I can understand why you’d think this way and if you’re talking about the behaviors and the trauma on the receiving end you are correct. A narcissist is more likely to have an anxious or disorganized attachment.

[@sugar4973]

What about when they try to come back?!?

[@livewires8637]

@@sugar4973 then you’ll have to make a decision if you’re willing to accept the typically poor treatment an avoidant or highly narcissistic person is going to give you.

[@mayraamato5177]

Spot on with the selfishness and the fact they rob their partner or other person of a voice and a saying!! This is what hurts me most. Give me a chance to have a say whether something may become an issue or not. It s unilateral and not at all fair

[@wg8859]

Their attempts to control the narrative, the relationship and ME feel unnecessary and brutal. Lots of pain could’ve been avoided if they had the courage to listen and hear.

[@wg8859]

A deep and defended arrogance!!

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

KZbin needs more of this, great video

[@ANME1rocker]

This has made things feel so much clearer. I would see narcissist videos pop up. And some things kinda fit, but not really. It's nice to know that yes her love was genuine and i am right in that she cares for me.

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

My feeling on that notion is: Whoop-Dee-Doo, she cares, throw a flipping party lol.. a party without her. but maybe that's just me 😁🥳😭

[@tamekamartin9830]

I'm just seeing this but her situation was just like mine! She had soooo many points that she made that I experienced. This was soooo good and validating!

[@womynislandnow2206]

yes it was so validating!! I did feel like I was set up too. I went nuts, I lost all my confidence and its slowly returning. Its been 6 months. I takes some time.

[@tawnyloveless]

It def takes time.

[@wg8859]

Be well. You will succeed.

[@MaryMullen-n5r]

So true. Healing doesn’t happen until we let go of the hope. And I too, have kept that small bit of faith holding on to hoping he would want to get back together. But he’s a dismissive and never came back.

[@eminabrestovac]

We were all set up. Exactly that. I knew "my" avoidant for 21 years prior to dating, we were friends and he was so nice. Told me he liked me romantically for all of that time. I liked him too. We clicked as soon as we met, but he was married (twice) so I did not think too much of it. And we started dating. Familliar story, all was great in the beginning, he was clingier than I was and full of warmth. And then the slow fade started. that is when I found out about attachment styles. I was sick to my stomach when I recognized it to be my case. We had a hard touchy conversation and in the end he said not to worry, everxthing will be fine. That was the last i saw/heard of him. He ghosted me like I did not even matter. 21 years of nothing. I saw him as he was finally, a monster. A shell of a person. But still, for whatever reason some form of hope lingers. Dunno why, bcs I cannot even forgive the ghosting... Maybe it will go away soon :(

[@ludovi3009]

💔

[@williamjlusk7940]

Just work on yourself. Watch these videos, there's lots out there, because it's such a huge problem! Focus on yourself and no-one else - for now. You will become happy!

[@wg8859]

Yes …truly a shell of a person. Well said. Thank you.

[@Cheryn77]

I loved when you said if they wanted to they would..I felt ugly and unloved because he was perfect until.just one day he dismissed our relationship..im.still going through it..I dint fi d tawnys masterclass on confidence..thank you

[@amiaow]

Thanks so much for your videos- I recently broke off a short relationship with a DA, spent most of the relationship trying to figure out what was going on (thankfully I am now educated about attachment styles- mine is secure), I communicated my needs and boundaries consistently which triggered them but they still stayed which I couldn't figure out either. I definitely experienced that showing consistent care, compassion, vulnerability and communicating openly caused them to withdraw further, as much as this particular person tried to act more secure. Feel mad about the experience because they told me at the beginning that they valued open communication and they were emotionally available- had never heard that before and it's now in the red flag basket. The experience has really shaken my confidence, and I am very grateful for the amazing online food for thought that you have created, thanks so much.

[@lenamcguire2659]

Yes, mine said the open communication being important at the start, then whenever I would bring something up he would say ' you really wanna bring this up' left me so confused all the time.

[@wg8859]

You were honest. He was not- maybe willfully stupid.

[@blissdoubt3931]

This has cleared up so much for me, I genuinely thought that I was the problem and was manipulated into thinking that the reason she chose for us to break up was legitimate. She just chose to detach because of the trauma she experienced as a child. Not like I was perfect during the relationship but she nearly made me completely lose myself thinking that I was not enough.

[@blueheaven4838]

This is exactly what they do. Glad I am seeing it for what it is.

[@Growwithgrace101]

At 54 it was the first time I considered marriage! I can totally relate to that ! They stir up tjings you didn’t know existed within you!

[@tawnyloveless]

Exactly!

[@lafemmeprada8]

I felt those exact things on the receiving end from my ex dismissive avoidant. All what you both said is what I resonate completely on the receiving end. I filmed a 13 min video apologizing and pleading and crying on Xmas eve 2020 after he deactivated from me on Nov 7 2020. This was our second time around. It hurt the same the first time and 2nd time around.

[@jordanr7290]

Thank you for sharing!!! Had to stop myself from moving from voice messages to videos 😢

[@marthahardie]

It's just like finally getting a bad tooth pulled out. You avoided getting rid of it because 1: you imagined it would get better, and #2: you knew how bad it would hurt to have it pulled. Hanging on to it poisons your body because it is toxic. After it's pulled out, it hurts now, but diffently because it is healing and slowly the pain resolves and you are grateful for being strong enough to stand the pain required to get rid of something that was injuring your life. Remember this: there will be a gap. If that bothers you, then replace that tooth with something that won't rot!!!

[@wg8859]

Appreciate you analogy! Very clear.

[@jennifers.8772]

I definitely felt set up too. In the beginning it was all the things we’d do in the future - neither of us thought we’d want to marry again but with each other we thought we would…. and then he starts saying things like “well if I’m unhappy in a relationship I just leave” and at that point I was so attached and in love I overlooked the red flags. I didn’t know about attachment styles at the time but did always worry that he was a narcissist. Now I see what the problem was. While I logically know what happened now and it helps to understand, it’s just so hard to detach and not hope for him to have a realization and want to fix himself 😔

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Faking future is a huge red flag..

[@wg8859]

I hear you clearly. I had no idea of the DA nor their scope but I’ve learned so much. As was said earlier they are but a ( deeply defended) shell of a person…. Far beyond my pay grade ( and energy level).

[@nannyboo9832]

I feel like I can resonate so much with this. Holding onto the glimmers of hope. There are some times with my DA where I feel like there are breakthroughs… and I have hope…. Then he goes back to withdrawing and pushing me away. It really eats at my confidence. I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality sometimes and it’s so hard to walk away.

[@tawnyloveless]

And it comes down to us accepting that the cycle only continues.

[@abes2758]

I agree hod it’s so hard, but unfortunately you may not have to worry about leaving because they tend to do that before us anyway. 😢

[@abes2758]

Can I please ask a question, sometimes I feel like we are making excuses for the DA’s when maybe they just weren’t feeling to for us as harsh as that is. I felt a deep connection and I know he did at the time and made me feel like I was insane, but he’s now in arwalfionsup , he got her name tattooed and he’s talking marriage …..I read that and in my head I was like ‘you are so emotionally immature how are these words now coming out of your mouth’ I did define out that it is somewhat toxic but even knowing that he still looks like he is settling down and I think he would not just settle with someone he just wouldn’t so I can’t help but think maybe all of us avoisants and branding these people as DA’s because we can’t face rejection, because he sure as hell got it together for Someone else

[@rebecca_stone]

For me as an FA, recovering from someone who I think is severely FA, the big eye opener for me here is that Tawny considers herself as having a secure style, and eve she struggled. So those entering with attachment wounds have little to no fighting chance. Only if (a huge IF) the person is determined to heal during the relationship. If you have a history of an unstable and traumatic childhood, parents with severe avoidance, any kind of attachment trauma and mental illness, it's no surprise these relationships take a person truly under. They are mirroring a lot of our own vulnerabilities too, and that's what makes us forgive them. It's lethal.

[@Robinrapunzel]

I’m on year 4 of this hamster wheel. It’s excruciating.

[@mariellegervais8825]

I relate so much with Tawny. The setup, the hope, being secure but becoming anxious.

[@sallysorbello7303]

Tawny, you are telling my story! I have secure attachment style but the anxiety was insane. Ken, thank you for your amazingly helpful channel. ♥

[@tawnyloveless]

🖤

[@vampy7966]

I have to agree, I have learnt so much more about myself from my situationship with my ex DA than anyone else in my life. I discovered attachment theory after our first breakup & found out I am FA lean DA. So many things make sense & I had much more of an understanding on DA but still have no idea on how to communicate with them in a more effective way. I no longer wish yo participate in something where it’s not equal reciprocation.

[@blueheaven4838]

What is FA

[@wg8859]

@@blueheaven4838 Fearful Avoidant. See Attachment Theory,

[@sidmehere2964]

@@blueheaven4838fearful avoidant

[@pugninja7037]

It was like in a mine field, blindfolded and he sat across this field saying I'm the prize you just have to get me buuuut I'm not going to help.. psychological fcuk up in the head. After 6 years he ghosted, never got closure .deception,other women, It hurt that it would be ok as long as u dont bring up things, how can that grow? Now I'm nearly back, but certainly a huge lesson.. deffo gives u the security vibes.. it was so painful. Hetaught me so much about myself, Thank you so muchfor this video..

[@tawnyloveless]

I can so relate to the “everything would be okay as long as you don’t bring up things.” So not a way to live and live.

[@wg8859]

@@tawnyloveless Nope. Totally untenable. Draining.

[@MarijaEnchantix]

Thank you so much for saying that "they present as secure at first ". Mine did that! It was perfect, there was supposed to be a life and family together. Same as you - I never thought I wanted it, but he made me want a family. 3 months in he became like a child. Even a week before the dumping he apologised, took full repsonsibility, admitted I deserve better and that he is hurting me, made a plan on how to regain my trust after having dumped me. Then just BAM . Dumps me. And I have nobody. It's jsut me and my therapist. No friends, no family support.

[@wg8859]

Just start with a therapist. Friendships may follow when you are ready.

[@Growwithgrace101]

Thank you! This has been the most helpful video I have watched. I feel like I am not crazy. This is my exact experience and I can move on from the breakup taking the lessons for my own personal growth 🙏

[@jeffreysowden6498]

I'm going through this exact situation right now. Listening to you two helps shed light on the situation. Nice to know I'm not crazy and others have gone through this. 🙏

[@KenReidCo]

Hey Jeff, hope you are finding peace off the back of your situation.

[@universaltruth2025]

I wonder if it’s so brutal because it’s clear they aren’t really as negatively affected by the breakup, they don’t go through as much turmoil during the relationship and like a narcissist I think they also emit a lot of contempt, both during the relationship and probably after. And contempt evokes shame in us, probably because many of us that end up with DAs were trying to heal past trauma that involved a lot of shame due to contempt and neglect from caregivers and other family. We thought the DA was going to be out ticket out of all that, only to experience the betrayal of them also throwing us figuratively to the wolves.

[@Dee_228]

The self-torture got me, this is exactly how I felt, but because I kept clinging to that hope I ended up getting discarded many times every time it got difficult and scary for him. And now, I feel so devastated it affected me mentally so badly, and now fighting to get back to normal and trying to love myself more.

[@Beth-ir1vm]

I can’t tell you, even though my experience was short and similarly to yours probably one of the most painful relationship break ups (mine was even shorter than 6 weeks) I am SO thankful for the shit it brought to the surface. The sheer amount of healing I was able to do because of this person, like I just can’t be more thankful, even with the extreme pain.

[@Apexhunter92]

I’ve been trying to get over this for two years now. I’ve never felt so heard, understood, and validated in my entire life than after watching this video. Thank you so much.

[@Beth-ir1vm]

That’s so true about the knowledge piece. I was really struggling with closure because it felt so sudden, and I’d never dealt with this situation before, and it wasn’t until I found your videos Ken and learned about this stuff that I was able to get that closure for myself. ♥️

[@saradavenport6128]

Takes a LONG time to get to this place but understanding most avoidants will never change is key. You have to let go of the person you met and accept the person they showed you they are. It is heartbreaking they will co to ur to suffer 💔

[@carlasmcastro]

Thank you for validating all the feelings Im having. I feel that I’ve been set up and strung along. I had a few cycles with him until I realised that I wasn’t the problem. I need to release the hope to truly heal.

[@criceny]

I Require more. What a beautiful self affirrming statement. I am going to be more bold about my needs. Hope is dead. You are so on point about holding on to hope too long also. Great video ❤❤

[@Anna-zo7rz]

Acts of service, yes! He was shoveling my driveway 1 week after we met

[@Beth-ir1vm]

Also, it’s so true what Tawny said. I felt overall I was very securely attached and I do still think overall in most situations I am, but it brought up a lot of anxious stuff, and I’m so glad that thanks to this, I was able to see that and heal from it.

[@oakandlotus2920]

The validation 🙌🏼 Omg! I’m not crazy and this IS excruciating.

[@kimberlykelly2068]

This was so incredibly validating! Thank you so much for making this video. Letting go of hope has been my Achilles heel. You said it usually takes 3-5 years of trauma-based therapy for a DA to reach secure attachment. Are you aware of including other methods of treatment such as EMDR, somatic work, or even plant-based medicine journeys speeding up that process?

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Homeopathic medicine helps... but if the person doesn't do the internal work and has self awareness nothing will change. Also they need time alone and off the dating market.

[@abes2758]

I had some lightbulb moments thank you. Gosh it’s so fkn hard!

[@joshk333]

WHOA!!! This apparently what my partner is. I was the one that F’d up in the end, but the description and stories of how they are throughout the relationship and during the breakup process is SO spot on. So much pain!

[@melim7368]

i don't think you f'ed up in the end - it feels like that, we feel guilty and responsible and confused when they are making it not work, but there's really nothing you can do to keep them around or have a healthy relationship

[@warrior100girl]

It's disturbing they can go super lovely to stone cold. I am in D14 NC. She wanted to breadcrump me. I said, you clearly dont know what you want, so I suggested to checkin in 2 months. But I doubt, currently i would reach out.

[@lwiliams79]

This was so validating for me, thank you so much!

[@Cat-pk1lo]

This is so close to what happened with me and mine. I was so ready to spend my life with him. And 12 years was so overwhelming. It still so sad for the whole. I am 55 and just learning the grief of being the one to leave. But that is what he wanted. And made me feel like it was me. I cry everyday. Hope you all hug yourself for having to go through this. I just lost hope for him. The hope of loving me was there and still there. Just not going to happen.

[@elharrop]

Thanks for the video! I'm still not entirely sure if he was avoidant or simply not interested?? It was genuinely one of the most painful and confusing experiences I've ever had. We were at a restaurant once, and he took his phone to the toilet with him. I wanted to ask him why, but I didn't want to look controlling. I wish I did now! He was addicted to his phone but would ghost my messages. When I asked him why he did that he said I wasn't as important as his friends and family? I felt so invalidated. I will be watching every video on the channel!

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Thank your lucky stars he is gone from your life. What a loser.

[@misspeach3755]

If it was confusing, it was an avoidant.

[@tracyf1054]

Thank you for your videos. I’m in a relationship with an Avoidant. I’ve never been so gaslit or hurt in a relationship. We went from looking for a home and then telling me they never want to live without me. . To needing space which I gave. Then conversations about all these things I do that they can’t get over lol. Which is nothing really. Made up crap. Mind bending hurtful like these people should wear a bracelet so we know how dangerous they are. Unreal. I’m on my journey to leave this person. I asked them if they want me to leave and they get quiet. Can’t give me the answer. So we are in limbo. But I’m on my way out. Just waiting until we speak the next time as we are in week 3-4 of taking space and I’m so done. 🎉

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

Did you wind up breaking up with him?

[@danilolima1679]

From Brazil here! Loved this!

[@millafin9469]

EXCELLENT VIDEO!!!!!!! ❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤ WHAT A BIG HELP!!!!!

[@sisalfoundation]

Amazing time with Tawny! ❤

[@tarabardella2201]

This is amazing. So helpful, validating and healing. Thank you both for sharing this important conversation with us. Great content!

[@uranusmc3719]

I think there’s SO much to learn about yourself if you’ve dated a DA. You come out stronger after the experience. I have no regrets. If I ever get with one again I know it ONLY works if you accept them completely. If you can I think you get a great person underneath all the trauma.

[@mayraamato5177]

I would have accepted him completely. Just did not give me the chance. I saw a good man underneath it all. I saw it. He does not.

[@VisualVagabond47]

Thank you so much for this video. This information is incredibly helpful for me.

[@JasonC-rp3ly]

They are really confident, charming, and impressive, but when they go near their wounding, they can fall apart. They do want the relationship, but as soon as you get closer to the wound, they become triggered in a deep way that is beyond the control of their conscious mind - they really get taken over, hijacked by their fears - it's beyond their control. Yes, you will fall hard, and you are not being led on, they are doing their best in the moment, and the person you meet is actually incredible, because to become who they are they have often had to be incredibly, amazingly strong, and there's something very compelling about that - it's much more attractive than a 'normal' person

[@questionthingss]

oh my god. that part where tawny mentioned how you could see right in front of your eyes that you bringing up an issue and them genuinely listening and trying to work it out with you (and it does work)... until it doesn't. until they can't take it anymore. and now you're stuck not knowing to continue believing in this person or not because one day they are down and open and trying their bestest and the connection is thereeee again and the next day its like you're at you're lowest with them.

[@MoonGoddessOracle]

This was helpful. Thank you ❤

[@katzzcradle]

I notice you said about your own experience the person told you they were looking for someone who had things more put together. I had a similar thing said to me as a reason but it was a total projection because my person had a chaotic life and was unemployed while I was working but had disrupted my life in order to be with him. I wonder if this comes from the avoidant wanting to be with someone very grounded and focussed on their own life and maybe actually also avoidant in the way they relate, so that they don't start to feel like they have to be responsible for their partner in any way. Maybe they equate their partner wanting togetherness or emotional connection with a sign that they are lost in life and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I had a lot of shaming projections put onto me about being dependent, which weren't true and at the same time he once asked me if he could sort out my life by finding me friends and a job, both of which I already had of my own. It was very weird and controlling.

[@anniiKn]

Yes, absolutely. When me and my DA got back together, I tried to have a serious conversation about why he broke up with me in the first place. He said something he had never said before, he told me it was because I didn't own my own house (I was 28 years old at the time and renting). I was so shocked that this was such an important thing to him. I wonder if he wanted me to buy my own house so there would be less pressure to live together... We are over again for good this time.

[@katzzcradle]

That's interesting. It's really strange reasoning for breaking up with someone. It also feels judgemental and intrusive on their part, and contradictory. Like on the one hand they want their space, but on the other they want to dictate how you should be living your life if you want to be with them. This is a kind of approach to relationships that I'm really incompatible with, I find it crazy-making and controlling even. I hope that you are feeling well and healing the ending. @@anniiKn

[@jessicahitchens6926]

If it wasn't the house it would be something else. And since when did young women purchase houses unless they work in corporate banking or their parents are guarantors on the mortgage. Utter nonsense. He is a clown 🤡

[@Yoshibelle615]

@@jessicahitchens6926right like ugh

[@Yoshibelle615]

Mine got me pregnant (playing with my bc) on purpose and than when our daughter was born he was there and I’ve been doing everything for her since than. Please don’t let them trap you please good thing I’m ex military so I can take care of her alone but please save your selves because I hate him and have to look at him for a long time

[@Liz-v7c]

I wish I could explain this to friends. They don't get the intensity of what was there. They act like it must have been bad all along. It's basically been bad from the breakup on. But I never want to experience the brutality of it again. I too felt like he might have loved me, but the last round ended right after the most intense vulnerable conversation. It helps to understand and to hear other experiences. People make me feel like it was just a case of he wasn't that into you. But avoidance is different.

[@kasiapudlo]

Yeah, that was a hectic experience but I've learned that if you really take the time to feel it all and reflect on everything that happened and what got triggered in you, it's honestly like doing the most thorough reconstructive surgery on your self-esteem. It hit basically all of my lingering insecurities. This makes me very sad too because I've already grown so much through it all, and we're talking a something that didn't nearly reach the stage of labels, like he was a healing person for me but I know that he's still in the same place because he just didn't have the capacity to process it like that, at least not yet. I hope he finds his healing person eventually too in whatever form and takes the time to change things so he can be happy as well.

[@THEYOGAFACE]

I felt set up too!

[@estellelumpkin1049]

Thank you both soooo much for this conversation. ❤

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

I honestly don’t know if I’m ever going to go through with it without closure from him. I’m still hoping for something which will not come

[@Kara_deeb]

Yeah, dating an avoidant is confusing. I think for me it comes down to, i should have believed her when she said she wasn't good enough for me. I was put on this pedestal and nothing i said or did changed that. Everytime i brought something up, she told me she couldn't live up to my expectations. She's a crappy girlfriend. I shpuld have listened. My expectations were not even that high. If i look back i can't understand why i was ok with the breadcrumbs for so long. I think us anxious avoidants all have a saviour complex, we want to help this person and then expect their effort and loyalty in return. Guess i was in my own fairytale. Looking forward to the growth that comes from this, 6 years has to at least give me that.

[@melim7368]

wow this is so much like what i went through

[@patrickhorn9810]

Loved this. Thank you!

[@KenReidCo]

You are so welcome!

[@ZoranaKnezevic-p8o]

oh thank you so much for this, it is such a helpful video!!!

[@Heavenlysky89]

I felt completely duped and set up too. It's like he arranged to have me break up with him by setting up traps for me to fall into . We had agreed to grow old together and then he blindsided me all of sudden. I think I'm still in shock. This was only 2 weeks ago.

[@julianamarino5900]

It was the most fucking incredible thing. 3 weeks of pure love. Got presented to all his friends and than puft ! It was gone without a talk. Told me he needed to adapt to me and that he needed space and I left him because this was not what I was looking for. I got really confused until find things about avoidant attachment. Its been 2 weeks that I listen to everything about it and it is exactly what I lived !

[@desertdog8006]

Spot on 100% All of it is what ive gone through and going through without exception. There needs to be a DSM-V classification for this.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yes the damage is actually worse than narcissistic abuse or cluster B PD abuse

[@tarkov_6]

I was told I trusted all my friends and they didn't want to do the same 🤷‍♂️ .They pushed everyone away, i remember thinking how weird it was that they didnt even know what their brother was doing.

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

How long does it take to recover the lost confidence and the self esteem that just gets eroded away over the months and years of that constant feeling of not being enough?

[@20misscherry]

Try doing daily affirmations like: “I am enough” or “I am worthy enough” or “I deserve love and compassion” for 21 days minimum. You’ll feel better quicker 😇

[@libritarian]

This was a fantastic talk. To be fair, coming from someone who's Anxious Preoccupied, we also do avoid conflict out because of a core abandonment wound

[@ajmosutra7667]

1:00:00 !!! Yes!

[@jessy3488]

I have a Q, I dated an Aviodant (6 month) that worked on himself (admited that he is afraid cus it becaomes srious) it did bacame better until we had an amotional fight were I cryed in. Anyhow, day after he spoke to his freind and broke up from me saying my reaction was too much for him. After a month I so him again in the dating app this time he wrote that he is looking for a long- term and open for children. And found a new girlfreind and deleted the app. I am so hurt... did I make the "Job" for the new girl? Cus Now he knows how to behave, after he had the exprience with me....😔

[@sharondodge49]

It is unlikely to go well, unless your former avoidant partner KNOWS what is wrong and gets a well informed therapist and does five or so years of hard work and is willing to to experience a lot of anxiety stress and most of all emotional closeness. It is so much work and so unlikely to change! Take care of you!!

[@jessy3488]

@@sharondodge49 thank u for the care!💗How do u know?

[@sharondodge49]

@@jessy3488 I am a therapist and I have also been 25 years ago, in a long time relationship with an avoidant I married and had two kids with and a recent very difficult blindsiding break up from a short term but intense relationship with another one!

[@Liz-v7c]

Because it's likely surface level

[@awake6472]

How to get closure with a avoidant do you send them a message wish you well or just walk away

[@hspinnovators5516]

No just give up initiating and they won't reach out

[@trickymouse3951]

This is facts.

[@Heavenlysky89]

I walked away and never returning

[@lisasunshine7654]

Wow, Tawny, it’s like you’re reading from my script! (From my last break up) Just wow.

[@tawnyloveless]

🖤

[@mhspalding1]

Thanks! I’ve found value in this channel and better understanding attachment styles! But there is also a tendency to stereotype and create huge rifts between “types” of People. Attachment styles are already an oversimplification of a massive number of human beings … 20-30% of the population??? And anyone can vacillate between attachment strategies based on the challenges they face (anxious, avoidant, etc). It’s so important to remember above all else that we are all human. We aren’t our type and we aren’t our style. And we have more in common than we will ever have in contrast! Focusing on differences can help us understand each other but can also increase cancel culture and decrease empathy. It can convince us that interacting with power who are different isn’t worthwhile, which can be regressive for the individual and society. Archetypes, personality types, attachment styles etc are useful tools for understanding motivation and behavior - but that is 100% ego. It’s not WHO you are.

[@mhspalding1]

And lastly, we heal together - in relationship. So understanding how to relate is critical, rather than just canceling or avoiding avoidants 🤣

[@freerangeboogie7293]

Tawny has the perfect shaped face.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

She is gorgeous!!!

[@tawnyloveless]

Aww, thank you. 🖤

[@genevieveraymond8326]

Avoidants bring you a cup of flour and one egg and gaslight you into thinking it is a cake ... better off baking your own cake for a while and let them believe in their crazy recipes

[@femmefatale7344]

They rob you of your energy. They are literally soul sucking leech. My ex moved on and married someone else just after 6 months of the breakup.

[@trickymouse3951]

It makes me sadder that you say they really loved us.

[@skromnyasha]

I still don't know if it's actually true in my case. By the way I was abandoned I don't think so

[@trickymouse3951]

@@skromnyasha I was simply ghosted, there was no discussion. He had done that before for a week at a time or more and said afterwards that I knew him, knew he was there for me, he just needed time to think. I said how on earth would I know you'd be back? That makes no sense I said. This is when I thought I was talking to someone who wanted to actually communicate and I told him that the silent treatment, the disappearing, was so very painful, basically abusive, but he did it again and again until the last time and I just let it go. I needed emotional connection, and he was incapable of it. On the flip side he was so attentive at the beginning and we laughed so very much, had so much fun but it faded very quickly for him, he was pulling away about six month in while I thought we were building something. He blurted out one day, in a random, so sincere way, that he loved me so much, it was sooo touching. I thought it meant something, but it didn't. Such weird, mind bending behaviour. The silent treatment shows immaturity, a complete disrespect and lack of caring. The difference of opinion we had were few and far between and so minor, but he called them fights, they weren't. He could not tolerate the slightest disagreement. That can't be love. I know he's broken, sad inside, was abused, but he refused therapy even after being told at his work he lacks empathy. So I think you're right. And I should have let him go the first time he stonewalled. That's not love.

[@trickymouse3951]

I guess it doesn’t matter, and doesn’t count for much whether true or not. Truly their loss, loss of a good life with a caring partner. Sorry you went through this too ❤️

[@trickymouse3951]

I guess it doesn’t matter, and doesn’t count for much whether true or not. Truly their loss, loss of a good life with a caring partner. Sorry you went through this too ❤️

[@trickymouse3951]

I guess it doesn’t matter, and doesn’t count for much whether true or not. Truly their loss, loss of a good life with a caring partner. Sorry you went through this too ❤️

[@SherriFlemming]

Avoidants can make anyone anxious. There will be communication blockages and lies by omission. Everyone has the right to end a relationship.

[@Anna-zo7rz]

I think tawny and I were with the same man😂

[@michaelcasey3362]

I was pretty fine in the beginning. It only started to really hurt later.

[@allisonthompson6548]

I mean blocked me on everything.

[@Cheryn77]

Where is tawnys masterclass

[@TK-hc6dm]

It's so unbearable. I've gone to witchcraft

[@sapnapandey5922]

❤❤

[@allisonthompson6548]

I stood up to my Dimissive Avoidant and he was so angry of me to tge piont that he locked me on everything. Will I ever here of him again. It has been almost 2 months.

[@20misscherry]

Of course you will 😅 DA always come back but usually with a lame excuse to talk to you that has nothing to do with your relationship. Just hang in there. Don’t lose your hope!

[@annwe6]

@@20misscherry That's the exact opposite of a key point of advice given in the video above. They said you need to lose hope in order to properly move on and heal.

[@ameliamossley7160]

​@@20misscherry They will come back, and the cycle will repeat itself all.over again, unless they work on healing...and your pain will continue😢

[@rapthemusical]

There’s a decent chance this person will reach out-probably at least a 50/50 chance in my experience-but as others have said, the likelihood that this DA will have done the work of reflection is basically nonexistent. You will simply cycle through the same mess. Cut your losses and move on. It DOES get better. Much, much better.

[@samanthanelson1333]

Give up hope or you are dooming yourself to a very bleek future that includes: not fully healing, repeating this cycle if they do come back and most of all missing out on someone else who could have truly loved you in a healthy way. From personal experience, learn to love you enough to give up hope now because you will have to do it eventually... It's just easier now than it is after you have invested even more time, tears and hope into this failed relationship. You can do it. I promise you, you can do this... And you will come out of this stronger and better than ever which will put you in the right energy to meet someone who values you and is loyal and wouldn't ever risk losing you..... I.e. what you deserve!

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

🎯💯

[@jhlfsc]

You are conflating a true Dismissive Avoidant with just a garden variety narcissist.

[@gregvanpaassen]

How to recover from a DA: 1. Realise you are a fearful avoidant or anxious-preoccupied. 2. Get therapy. Learn to soothe yourself. 3. Extinguish your tendencies to codependency and BPD. 4. Realise the DA was actually a person in their own right and not something put there to meet your whims. 5. Realise the DA is not a DA at all, just has male communication behaviour. Learn male communication.

[@tysonpadilla8406]

First of all, I find that women cheat 10 times more than men! I thought this video was great until she said if men would just work on their attachment style! My dismissive avoidant act was definitely female along with every other avoidant ex I’ve ever dated. They’ve all cheated. They’ve all lied none of the friends I’ve known as guys growing up in a male dominated field. My entire life have ever cheated on their partners, women are allergic to accountability

[@esounds1]

Just Thank you!!!!