How to Respond to Anger, Aggression, Violence, TEMPER TANTRUMS in Dementia

[@heleneg525]

What if your family member verbally abused you your entire adult life? After so many years of hearing such abuse, it's hard to cope with it any longer.

[@TripinHeidi]

With you there & totally get your question 😢

[@laetitialogan2002]

Feeling your pain....exact same situation ... hurtful still listening to this heading for 60, and still being spoken to lime dirt

[@amateur_football9751]

Leave...simple!

[@Wendy-n4k]

I am going threw the same thing with my mom. It's so hard. I'm at the end of my rope. She threw me out of the house again. It's really hard to overlook it as dementia when she has done horrible things to me my whole life nothing's changed. My mental health is suffering really bad

[@heleneg525]

@@Wendy-n4k I am so sorry, Wendy. You are doing your best. I will pray for you when I go to Mass tomorrow. But you need to talk to someone about this. Even if you have a good friend to vent to, it might help to minimize your stress.

[@kellytynes-peissner9355]

Thank you for this. My husband resents losing his independence. He doesn't understand why he can't be left alone in the house while I run errands. When alone, he is a danger to himself, our home, etc. He won't let anyone stay with him while I run errands, so he has to come with me. I have PT coming up at the end of January for three times a week for two hours each time. He is going to explode. The gabapaten the doc put him on has been a miracle. It lessens his paranoia and anger, but this will put him over the edge. ~sigh~

[@luciandlemstabler5917]

Yes my husband gets angry when he doesn’t get what he wants done NOW! He is going to start Buspar as needed tomorrow to help with his panic/anxiety...he needs to check on where I am in the house ....very insecure... hope the medicine helps without toxic side effects

[@salauerman7082]

Luci and Lem Stabler , he must be related to my husband! 🤪 Seriously, though, I anticipate needs and maintain a schedule so that he has some trust in me... minimizing him constantly yelling for me, since now he barely walks as well. Maybe my experience could help you?

[@salauerman7082]

Oops - just saw it’s been a year... Maybe my note will help someone.

[@dennisahlarson1584]

My Grandpa verbally abuses me and and my female cousin daily. It's like he has three separate personalities. Himself, a toddler who needs constant instruction on routine activities and a demon who vebally attacks with nasty words. He switches between the 3 all day and without warning. Completely unpredictable. It scares me to be honest.

[@hayleyb467]

wow that sounds super tough. I'd figure out a safety plan & let some trusted neighbors know what is going on so they can keep an ear / eye out for y'all. prayers & love to you from Texas ♡

[@ecopley9013]

Try the prayer to St Michael the Archangel and put a St Benedict medal on him as well.

[@brendaelliott2654]

I need help with when comes husband it is me at daughter all the time we walk away at times it makes me real bad

[@MaxW-er1hm]

My mom has just started to get hostile and agitated and uncooperative ,reading this comment section has made me cry as hysterically as I've ever cried in my life.... this is the future I have to look forward to? God. I came to this video hoping to find some help and advice, and instead I find just how much things are going to get worse and that I have nothing to look forward to but a nightmare... I honestly wish I hadn't read these at all. I could have at least thought things were already bad enough

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I hate that this video, and/or the comment section was so disconcerting for you. I don’t often talk about medications, because I am not a doctor, but there are medications that can help with aggression, anger, that were not even being used at the time of this video. So be encouraged that you can talk to her doctor or her neurologist about Medical interventions that can help. Seriously, I hope you find what you need.

[@MaxW-er1hm]

@@DementiaWithGrace thanks. She is not nearly as bad as some people here have had to deal with, these comments only made me realize how much worse she could become , which does scare me.

[@amateur_football9751]

Dementia stage 3/4 is often the most aggressive, eventually they will likely transition to later stages were they are more docile, because at that point they are so lost/confused they can't put up a fight, sadly it also means they have less time left.

[@MaxW-er1hm]

@@amateur_football9751 God bless you. She passed away very shortly after I made this comment... just missed getting to spend the holidays with her. I hope she has some peace where she is now.

[@kcarver0614]

Hi Vicky! I could use some brainstorming and support-I live with my mum as her caregiver. I also have a condition that leaves me very fatigued. I’m close to retirement, and I’m not sure I could work full time anymore. Mum knows I’m in financial straits and in her dementia will order me about or threaten to kick me out when something has triggered her. She has the right to have me leave, but can’t live on her own. She says she wants to stay in her house, and I know I’m her best chance at that. I would be homeless if I had to leave today. I’m working on my own financial stability while I’m here. It is triggering for me when she is mean and attacking. I have learned not to argue, just to walk away, but she yells and accuses me of disrespect. I am, in a way. But it is the best option. I know she is not in her right mind, and I still feel out of control of my life, as I’m trying to make the end of hers the best it can be. Any thoughts?

[@nanolight4337]

mom got behavioral med - the only good decision because we feared she was going to do something very violent. We hid all knives. We Lock bedroom doors at night because sundowning wandering FTD are known to harm sleeping caregivers. Mom’s go to emotion was always anger and Dementia made it worse. Not talking helped stop adding fuel to her fire. Bible open on lap kept her from attacking me she at least respected the Bible. Looking forward to mom passing away honestly because this is no way for anyone to live. Decline in just a few months she is now in bed 24/7. Our peace restored she sleeps much more. What a relief to leave door unlocked to go take some trash out we could not before she would escape and it would take several and hours to get her back inside. Now she fights rolling to her side for diaper changes. Fights eating with her tongue. Every way possible she fights. I hate caregiving 24/7 but we cannot afford 6,500$ a month for memory care.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Yes. Lewy body dementia is absolutely one of the most difficult dementias to manage.

[@edwardb7811]

This was very helpful. My loved one was diagnosed a month ago and I have become busy driving cooking, arranging visits with doctors and therapists, reporting what's happening to other family members, coordinating searches for assisted living facilities, and doing the finances. This is all new to me. While I am good at arranging things, I get frustrated when I am accused for the umpteenth time of ruining this person's life and facing resistance when I try to get the person to do something. I picked up some good tips on how to make the LOWD (and myself) less miserable.

[@joseph.christiansen]

Me and my mother are going through this stage right now with my grandmother from the time her dementia started we been dealing with some anger but now she seemed to just recently hit a new stage where it’s gotten a lot worse and the anger turned from mild to extreme and now she became more violent about where before it was just yelling it pretty much happens at least once a day now sometime time after dinner her mind will start to act up and she will start to say I need to pack and go home my mom is waiting for me or some days she will say her husband ( my grandfather) is waiting for her the thing is she’s already home her mom has been dead for over 50 years now and my grandfather died 3 years ago now me and my mom were smart and put deadbolts on the doors because to many times she tried to walk out on us one time she successfully did it so since then we got them on the doors going outside well once she realizes the doors are lock that’s it the demon becomes released out of her she goes nuts and starts yelling and screaming and starts insulting us and oh my god the words that come out of her mouth when she gets this angry I can’t even repeat by this point she forgets who we even are she thinks we are strangers trying to keep her hostage and she will keep trying to find a phone to call the police this is all because we won’t let her out of the house to go home which she don’t already realize she is in now just recently the arguments have turned worse now she’s becoming more violent about it and trying to be more physical about it she try’s to hurt my mom and pull her hair my mom thank god holds her own temper when this happens although there’s been a few times she couldn’t hold it in and yelled at her and now she keeps trying to break things in the house to try and get us to finally just unlock the door it’s becoming very hard and we don’t really want to put her in a home now her doctor recently put her on new meds to try and calm the anger but it don’t seems to be working just yet advice for when she gets this bad would be helpful we try to give her space when she gets this mad but it don’t seem to work she just comes looking for us to keep it going and i don’t know how many times she told me how much she hates me when she gets in these moods.

[@nanolight4337]

You are not alone. Have been cursed at and hit. I put all the kitchen knives up and out of her reach and sight. Before meds, she asked an ambulance driver if she could have his gun. Leave the room lock your bedroom door. Demon yes and demons love attention and making people miserable. For us it is lessons in our self control patience and increases prayer and fasting. Facility is 6,500 a month! We cannot afford that but letting them walk a mile in their rage can at least get you a break from being locked inside with madness.

[@nanolight4337]

I get it! I shifted to zero eye contact, total silence and very calm music in background to calm the BEAST until the meds got working. It now makes perfect sense that people are put into Nursing homes because it takes more people to deal with them when they are violent to family. I also bring out a Bible and sit to read. She at least did not try to attack a person reading the Bible. Have finished in under 90 days and started over - an indication of how much I use the Bible to help me cope...

[@MaryKnight-yk5mh]

Oh Lord. Prayers for you. ❤

[@joseph.christiansen]

@@nanolight4337 it was bad up until a month ago they finally found a medication that keeps her calm not that I’m happy to have her drugged up like that but sadly she gave us no choice

[@joseph.christiansen]

@@MaryKnight-yk5mh thank you!

[@10538overture]

I try to make a conscious decision not to get drawn into it when my mother gets angry. So long as I keep calm and remind myself it's the illness and not her, it seems to work. The key is not to go down the rabbit hole in the first place.

[@kcarver0614]

Hi Vicky. I’m in a awkward situation. I live with my mother, as her caregiver. I have a fatigued

[@geraldineross5168]

I really like. The white color walls makes your accents pop! 🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩

[@DewiiAljoe]

Great tips and information

[@josie8205]

Grace you are so good at what you're doing, you really help me with my issues, keep doing what you're doing in such a knowledgeable and excellent way. Yes I love the colors 😇😉

[@DementiaWithGrace]

What a nice compliment!! Thank you for taking the time to write! Vicky

[@seekerofgrace2058]

I see why sedation would be helpful to relieve anxiety in dementia patient also to alleviate abuse of caregivers

[@ironray123]

I had my amygdala removed 20 years ago. I'm much happier now.

[@rebeccawilson758]

Thank you so much for this video. My husband is in a care facility and hates me because of it, along with hating the staff.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Rebecca Wilson the “love” heart is for YOU. Dementia can be brutal for the sufferers AND their caregivers. If you need some people who KNOW how brutal it can be, please come and join the group. It’s a great bunch of wives, husbands, daughters and sons who KNOW. Link in description. We would love to be some support to you. All my love for the hard days and everyday, Vicky ❤️

[@doggette2]

oh boy do I understand..my mother now calls me "the other woman'. She had always been a hostile person,but it definitely got worse.hang in there.

[@rebeccawilson758]

@@doggette2 Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this anger issue also.

[@HisWordisLife4U]

He would probably think he hates you no matter what you do. It is hard to constantly question if you are doing something wrong. But you are not. You need help. You couldn't manage him on your own, or probably keep him safe. You did the right thing. You had no choice.

[@Smedley-gr3gm]

good for you, you have to protect yourself

[@Mogerbelles]

My friend is angry because not only has she got Dementia, but she has also lost her sight and since she fell and broke her leg, also lost her mobility and her independance, she now lives in a care home. I try to comfort her but she seems to get steadily more angry with me, and sometimes I don't know what to say, because she has lost so much.... I am a very calm person and she used to respond very well to me........

[@amymasi9110]

I listen and reflect back. I empathize. She agrees with me and then uses my agreement to launch another verbal attack on me. It’s exhausting.

[@latherandlace]

Your space looks great and this video was excellent!

[@teamjesusalltheway9870]

What do you think about video recording things like money transactions with a person with dementia to protect yourself against accusations from them?

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I don’t see anything wrong there. Remember to honor their personhood. Don’t share the recordings with anyone except the people who would need to see it. Think of how you would feel in their shoes…losing control of a very sensitive, personal part of their adult autonomy, and feeling threatened at the same time. It is devastating for a person to be that dependent on others for such a personal part of their life: their financial security. All my love on this hard, hard journey. ❤️❤️❤️

[@dianataylordeguerrero3888]

My narcissistic 79 year old husband isn’t angry. It’s more like non stop rage over anything and everything. My problem is that we live in Mexico and he refuses to see a doctor, not only for his emotional outbursts but also other physical ailments. I’m at my wit’s end with him. The kids are far away and can’t do too much. Local resources are practically non existent. We should be living our Golden Years but life has become so depressing having to deal with an explosive almost dangerous out of control, irrational old man.

[@hayleyb467]

that sounds so difficult ♡ I'm sorry I can't offer any solutions or advice, only prayers & encouragement

[@seekerofgrace2058]

My mom in similar boat. Can you put sedatives in his food ? Maybe an earlier bedtime or nap would give you some temporary relief

[@janr.1077]

How do you recommend to relate when one is getting aggressive and another resident could be in danger?

[@loveandchocolate42]

What is anger didn't dissipate? What if no matter what you say or do, they are screaming and angry and mean? And nothing stops it. A foot rub or calming touch may last a minute but they are in this irate zone for hours. I can't get away because they i have so much to do while there. I'm a home caregiver but only there for so much time and do everything for them. I can't step away because every minute i must be working since they are paying me and see it that way. Jim a very sweet gentle person. My calm loving nature doesn't always work with this person. The anger and yelling seems uncontrollable for hours and hours at times.

[@whimsicallady9759]

I am a caregiver as well for an early dementia lady who is very particular about her bags and boxes of items around her bed, she keeps everything within reach so I’m constantly looking for things for her that she wants and am constantly being asked to open a bag or whatever and see if I can find this or that and put it back , she wants me to put things in extremely particular ways on the floor/table etc. and will point at things and ask me to straighten it or close a box better when it’s already perfectly neat but when I try she yells and feels I can not get anything the way she wants it it’s an everyday battle with the tiniest of things, can’t throw away a dirty lil piece of tissue without her yelling at me and wanting to see it first so she doesn’t “need” it, I tell her I am trying to do it exactly how she wants and I wish she wouldn’t get upset because it will get done, just gimmie time. I have to constantly assure her I’m not throwing anything away and she’s paranoid that I am. One thing that works that’s kinda weird is if I act like I’m crying just a little bit while she’s yelling, she seems to soften up but it is a struggle, and thank you for being a caregiver! You are a very special and life changing person for such a job!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m not always a fan of “behavior in “medication, but sometimes, and some people, it is very helpful. Talk with the doctor about this, and there may be some thing that he/she would prescribe.

[@denieseklinethatcher2715]

Love the colors💖

[@DewiiAljoe]

Great tips Thanks for Sharing 😊

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You are so welcome! 🤗

[@Laura23971]

In my opinion forgiveness is the most important.

[@loribecchi8819]

my mother in law is in the stage where she keeps forgetting things and getting mad at herself. She also takes it out on her husband if she can't find something or can't remember if she has an appointment and can't remember who's taking her.I think it scares her and she has said "I hope I'm not getting Alzhiemers like my mother."

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Absolutely. If you are inside of the group on Facebook, reference the post, I shared today about holding on loosely. Read the post I made along with the video. It discusses my chronic illness of epilepsy and heart disease and the brain tumor from a care receiving perspective. Super Duper frustrating.

[@always_talkback2038]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You’re welcome!!! 😘😘😘

[@lileelisamc.4722]

Do you spend 24/7 with anyone with dementia or alzheimer's

[@hazelanderson7508]

I know this is a really old video but I have only recently discovered your channel and have found so many of your videos helpful. I have been dealing with Dad’s anger in the way that you describe in this video but it is not helping and as well as getting very angry he is constantly ssying he wants to die which is extremely upsetting. He also asks he to help him end it all. I really don’t know how to deal with this. I am his only care giver. He lives alone and still manages. He refuses to have any carers. Please please help me to know how to deal with this repeated “I want to die” I do tell him zi understand his frustration etc but it just makes him more angry. He is not violent to me but he punches walls, doors, chairs etc. I think he is stage 4/5. Thank you x

[@inthelight57]

Yes my husband. Very angry with days and night mixed up.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Sorry to hear that. If he can (or will) get up early with exposure to morning sunlight, it can prompt his pineal gland to make more melatonin to regulate his internal clock thereby helping reset his cycle. Bad sleep can cause irritability. With dementia it is hard to regulate emotions, and bad sleep only makes that worse. Watch my video on sundowning. Big hugs, Vicky 😌

[@caranasser3710]

It’s still early and she’s lost so much of her memory but my mom is still aware that I’m taking charge some. She kicked me out of the house last time I was there. She said she’s not ready for this. Should I try to explain at all that her memory is bad and it’s dangerous for her to be left alone? She’s let everything slip. Household, self, bill paying. Idk how to go about taking more charge of these things without her fighting me over it. I’ve tip toed around but it’s getting bad.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Hey! Watch the Stage 4 video under the Stages Playlist. This is the hardest stage where they still know how bad they are, but can’t “face” it. LOTS of anger. Stage 5 is more of a “release” and you can help them without as much anger. Are you in the group? Come join! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace

[@sarahnichols4439]

We may be placing my mother soon in a facility and I'm hoping for one in Jamestown, NY. She has an explosive temper and that is what I am afraid of. If this works, its only a short drive (30 minutes) but how do we keep the anger at bay during that time? Do we involve an aide she has to help ease the transition? I will need help here. Thank you. :-)

[@kristinamullen4066]

I have been intimidated and harassed verbally by a demented resident where I work doing activities.I have to do my job but he keeps disrupting the program by getting in my face angrily.I don"t know what is triggering him but he disrupts the other residents and workers.I feel under attack and themanagement doesn't seem to care.They tell me to disengage.I"m getting more and more frustrated.Any advice would help.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you for your work in the field! It can be so very frustrating. Not trying to sell a book, but if you do not have my book, it can truly help manage behaviors. Even showing it to your Director of nursing or administrator may open a discussion about the concepts that I present. I would be happy to talk with the management team. My new email address is [e-mail] Hang in there!

[@tennesseegirl5539]

Yes Yes yes

[@donnamaness793]

My mom has vascular dementia and she is on an antidepressant BUT it’s not working. She’s accusing me of stealing her things then bringing them back. We’ve tried several medications nothing seems to work??? She also refuses to go to doctors.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I hope you found some ideas to help. Remember that all behaviors have a natural end! I have a video on that. All my love, Vicky

[@salauerman7082]

It is a phase... thought so!

[@lionofjudah4114]

And lately he even blamed me cos I drove out car one day and a few days later he drove it. But then a nail was in the tyre and letting the tyre go down. We got a guy to repair it so we didn't need a new tyre. But husband blamed me for that when the tyre was fine after I drove us in the car. Why is he blaming me for everything. Why is he so broken

[@Sentimentalist0923]

Thank you sweet Vicky! I have a question that I hope you can help me with, esp since we are both in Alabama. My dad has dementia and a few terminal health issues (he's receiving hospice services). He has been staying at his sister's house for the past year. However, she's in early stages of dementia and my dad is becoming too much for her. Dad has a small older home that's literally falling apart that we can't afford to maintain, AND my sister has turned it into a meth house! It will never again be a safe place for my dad, even if he could live alone (low income). Will you plz offer some guidance on how the state of Alabama Medicaid program works for him going in to a facility? He is just over the financial limit for Medicaid medical. I've heard rumors that all $ has to be accounted for from the past 5 years but I can't provide that, as I became his POA only 2 years ago. Please help by sharing your knowledge. I'm desperate! Thank you.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I would contact your local office on Aging. Look it up by zip code at n4a.org! Start there!! Best of luck!!!

[@Sentimentalist0923]

@@DementiaWithGrace thank you!!

[@gatcow1678]

Our situation is I know the aggression and anger is coming from fear of the confusion she is feeling but she has never been good at expressing emotions for even feeling her emotions. So instead of venturing to try her anger and aggression is coming out at us in wild delusions that she can not be calmed down from and if you try she gets verbally and physically abusive. And I know you aren’t supposed to try and talk them out of their delusions but they are so wild I also can’t play into them either…. Like my husband(her son) is actually her lover and I’m the other women and the children out hers…. Or that I am in a secret group of people that know secret inside information that I shouldn’t know and she wants to know who are the members of the group and what I know!, or she is mad because when she was a child I came up to her on the beach when I also was a child and told her she had Alzheimers and that’s the only diagnosis she has ever had and she does accept it. Now for context I am 32 and she is 78 so clearly that never happened. And I am a stay at home mom we live on a little farm in the middle of nowhere most weeks I only see or talk to my husband, kids, animals and her, sometimes my momma lol so definitely not involved in any secret society unless my alpacas formed some sorta group I am not privy to. When these outbursts happen infront of the kids my instincts have told me I should just get her to her own safe space and give her some alone time to calm down. And protect the kids from seeing all that. I hope that is the right move. Yesterday was a very bad episode infront of the kids and she would not calm down. She would not take space nothing it was a rough day

[@DementiaWithGrace]

When the delusions are that out of control and ongoing (not sporadic) that can be handled by an anti-psychotic. Just a small, small dose. Her primary doctor can order it. ***If she is a danger to her self or others, that is a medical emergency and she should be seen in an ER. You can call 911 and they will SEE AND HEAR what is going on and they will probably admit her to get this under control. So sorry. It’s so hard! Vicky

[@GECKO-MASTER]

Said all what you said to my mum......it didn't work

[@ecopley9013]

Sometimes nothing works!

[@lionofjudah4114]

Hi. My husband not every day but some days will just feel like being mean. Out the blue it is. He will blame me for what ever has gone wrong. He turns the tables on me if he has done something. He is very good at that. I tell him to take responsibility for his own actions and his own issues. He speaks harsh to me and with a cutting tone. Like I have done something hugely wrong to him when all I do is serve him and help him with things . Is he poorly mentally. He seems to worry about everything also. He goes mad at any food being wasted. So he will be at me for that which I don't waste food. If it goes off it will go in the bin. I don't think his job as a bus driver is right for him. COS he is tired and he will treat me horrible if someone has been mean to him during the day. Why is he angry. I can just be sitting having a cup of tea and he will be wanting to telle off for something like he thinks he is my mother . I have said to him that I have a father m a mother. I need him to be a husband. It feels he is always critical of me. He quite negative more lately. What is happening. Please help

[@dme2442]

Sounds like narcissism. I have lived with a covert narcissist husband who has now developed FTD. He was always angry with me and blamed me for anything that went wrong, even if I wasn't there. There are lots of videos on the subject. It's not a nice life. I feel for you.

[@janieogletree8899]

We are at the beginning stages with my Narcissistic mother. Her mother died of Alzheimer’s her older brother is dealing with it right now and is in stage six and her twin sister just died of it but she refuses to even acknowledge the possibility that she might be starting with the symptoms from listening to your podcast I’m guessing she’s in about stage four or five. How do we even get her to see a doctor or allow us to go with her? She’s totally paranoid and keeps all eight of her children out of her business and doesn’t like us knowing what’s going on because I think she knows deep down but she won’t admit it. How do we even begin to approach this with her being as prideful and stubborn as she is?