Transfer from Home to Care • Assisted Living • Nursing Home || How to Move Person w/ Dementia

[@crystalblue5]

I am currently going through this with my mom. We just had to place her into a nursing home she has dementia and it’s been challenging and very heart breaking. I cry every night. But I know she needs to be looked after 24/7. 🙏🏽

[@sarahnichols4439]

Hello. We may be going through much the same thing before much longer though I hope to keep my mother in WNY. What did you do before the move took place? Is there anything that could help ease the tension and anxiety?

[@crystalblue5]

@@sarahnichols4439 before the move she was living with my older brother and we did have a home health aide coming daily for us a few hours to help with her. But unfortunately we couldn’t keep a consistent person coming. Several agencies are understaffed so there would be times that no one would show up to help mom and it just became overwhelming for me and my brother. She needed 24 hour care so we had to place her in facility. And even though we have had a few issues here and there the nursing home was a good decision for now. My brother and I take turns going there every day to check on her so they know someone is coming and that helps a lot. I investigate everything concerning my mom when i do go to there and I am always nice to the nurses and caregivers there that helps as well. And lastly I get on my knees and pray 🙏🏽 to God that he protects my mom and gives my family peace during this difficult time. You have to do what’s best for YOU and your loved one. 🙏🏽

[@jhlfsc]

Oddly enough, I'm watching this video because we just did this exact thing today with my grandmother. Time will tell, but she was much more receptive to the terms "apartment" or "high rise" than "assisted living". Thay may seem silly, but it had a positive impact on her just to use that terminology. Also......surprisingly (at least in our case), a lot of their anxiety may not be coming from as much around them being there as much as it is their worry about who will take care of the house (checking heat, locking doors, mail, etc..) so be sure to reassure them that all that is being taken care of. If they had previous hospital stays, it's helpful to remind them that you're the one who took care of it during that time and everything was FINE! Best of luck to us all. We wouldn't be watching a channel like this if we didn't love them so much.❤

[@nihilsinedeo1955]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️

[@MKParise]

My mother does not have dementia, but she is falling in her apartment. She is not weight bearing and needs assistance with transferring, Bathing, toileting, and making meals. I am approaching 70 and my heath is awful. There is no one else. Her doctors and social worker from rehab have all pushed assisted living because she is not safe. Living with me is not an option. It would kill me. She is demanding and very controlling. All I do is cry and have panic attacks. She has currently been moved to assisted living with a rehab and is causing much unrest in the facility because she wants to go back to her apartment. I am so depressed and my whole life has been controlled by my mother. I am desperate for God to please answer my prayers on what to do. She is blaming me for everything.

[@bobw.991]

Thank you for this, i have just taken my dear wife to the emergency room per her doctor and now she will be going to a care facility. I am numb now, but im sure once she is settled i know she will be happier.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Come join group on Facebook. It is such a true support! Dementia with Grace Caregiver Support Group ❤️ Vicky

[@wendysmith8615]

Everything is hard with this dementia journey! Just do the next right thing!

[@patcampbell1722]

Vickie. Thank you for your kindness and your sweet personality. You are a blessing to us all

[@DonnaMaldona]

Thank You for your help. I’m exhausted but I reached out to this title bc I need options for the future. I’m grateful

[@jazwright]

My mother just passed away 4 days ago while being my father's caregiver. He requires 24/7 care and I am their only child and legally blind, so unable to give him that level of care. She was in the middle of placing him into a home when she passed, and I managed to pick up where she left off, but while my father and I are both trying to grieve, he is also of the mind that I'm mad at him and he's being sent to the memory care facility bc of that. I'm almost having a harder time dealing with how he thinks I'm mad at him than I am with dealing with the loss of my mother, because I'm aware of the eternal rest that she now has from being his primary caregiver while in her 70s. I'm fried. I'm being pulled in every direction and am greatly appreciating finding videos like these to help us better understand, so thank you.

[@patjones5723]

God bless you 🙏 ❤️

[@jodic9986]

What a wonderful video. The knowledge you have about these topics is so very helpful. The Dementia with Grace support group is something that every caregiver needs to check out and see if it is helpful for them! Thank you Vicky!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you! I appreciate you!

[@CoryHendrixson]

Thank you for this. I watch this video on repeat when I feel the guilt of placing my parents in assisted living. Both my parents were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s within weeks of each other. We placed them in a two bedroom assisted living apartment a week ago for their safety (my moms been falling) and due to the diagnosis and future progression. They are definitely going thru transfer trauma, calling daily, saying they are packing and going home. It’s been so hard. Appreciate your videos and will reach out to the support group. Many thanks!

[@kathykaehler7304]

Thank you for your constant encouragement to families impacted by dementia....My Mother has now been in a memory care facility for over a year. It was a guilt ridden journey for myself and family, but ultimately was the best decision for my Mom. She is very happy were she is...has not once said she wanted to leave the facility...when we leave she is never crying that we are leaving...she is content to go back with her new family at the facility. It is true that a weight was lifted off of her when she was placed there. She is most likely stage 4 to 5...and she looks so much better. Thank you again for all your advice you have been a great help to me during this whole process..

[@EMartin70]

Thank you so much for your feedback, I needed to hear this.

[@victoriagoins5250]

Wish my mom would adjust like that. Been a year now . She is always stressed.

[@Lexi_________]

Thank you so much for this video. I know I'm watching over 2 years from when you posted it, but I wanted to say how meaningful and relevant it still is today. To all of those in this difficult journey, know you are appreciated and loved. God Bless

[@gm17840]

Transitioning my mom. Your 12 minutes helped tremendously. Thank you!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You are so welcome!

[@pamelahayes1993]

Vicky, you are a God send, thank you for your wealth of knowledge and sharing it with us, just got both your books and have already started reading. ❤️

[@DementiaWithGrace]

The white book, the Second Edition, is truly an expansion of the first peach colored book! You just need to read the white one! And please join the group!! Such great support!! THANK YOU for your support!! ❤️ Vicky

[@GordonHill-wm8ub]

3 months now of transition for my 92 y.o. mother from Independent living to emergency room to "rehab care" at a nursing home to now "long term care" at a nursing home. I have not missed a day of being there. I am exhausted, frustrated, and more than anything, just angry at the world. This is the most daunting task I have ever had and I feel guilty and overwhelmed. Your video has helped just to hear a voice expressing the same emotions. I'm a grown man age 64 and have cried every night. It is sucking the life out of me and causing damage to my marriage. I am married to a saint, but how can anyone be expected to not feel neglected when their spouse chooses to spend every evening at the nursing home making sure their mother is okay and as happy as possible. This is a no win situation and I just want to give up.

[@shantelanderson5504]

Hopefully your dear wife can understand that the same devotion you feel towards your mother will be there for her should the situation ever arise. You are the saint ❤️. Bless you.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I agree. It is SO HARD on a marriage when one or even both spouses have caregiving obligations!! Come on o er to the support group on FB if you haven’t already! There is some true help there! Link under the video!

[@maryminty5876]

I am a 92 y.o. wife and am 3 months into single living after 70 years of marriage, 17 years as a carer for my devoted husband with long , slow Alzheimer's. He had to leave our home to receive complex nursing care resulting from complications from aspirational pneumonia. I am devastated, but I deliberately only visit twice a week.. The doctors have told me it is unkind to unsettle him, his distortion of time means that if I am gone 5 minutes or 5 days , his separation anxiety will be exactly the same. I have followed this advice and he is much better than I am but I am still getting my own health back. My sleep pattern is completely unrecognisable, destroyed by years of night caring. So step back, you are not Superman. You are still her primary carer because you give the unconditional love. The care facility will never be You, but they can do the heavy lifting and allow you to be a beloved son again. I hope this has helped. Always remember that Grief is the price we pay for Love. You would be a lesser man without this very normal reaction.

[@GordonHill-wm8ub]

@@maryminty5876 Thanks, we moved mom back to her home about 3 mos. ago and hired caregivers (4hr./day x 7 days /wk)). I'm going 3 days /wk to visit and take care of things. We love to watch the Longhorns football games together so that is a regular thing. Also, am able to get her into the car and "drive-thru" for food or a hot fudge sundae and just enjoy driving around her area of Houston. She is SO HAPPY to be back in her home and for right now we are making it work. Very expensive to get the in-home caregivers ($30/hr pd. in cash daily), but worth it and thankful that for now she has the money to pay for it. I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

[@pathayes7292]

Thank you Vickie. You have been a great help 🙏🏼🌹💕

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Glad it was helpful! ❤️❤️❤️

[@j.c.469]

Thank you for this information.

[@lindawilcox4279]

Thank you. That had some really helpful suggestions

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Glad it was helpful!

[@petrashappyplace]

Vicki, could you address the question of "What if I am going to place my person in AL, but they are resistant and hateful to those who are 'making' them go?" (Add to the fact that they are totally reliant on you for mobility trying to get them in and out of a vehicle.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I will. Putting it on the list!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Try this video for now! kzbin.info/www/bejne/gnvclKd-rc6riqc

[@JeannetteEngelbrecht]

Bought your book. Just started, so looking forward to your knowledge & sweetness.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Awesome! Thank you! ☺️

[@sarahnichols4439]

Hello. I literally just found this group and thank you. I have a mother who has dimentia and she has been able to live on her own with aides. However she is becoming more forgetful and my sister and I are becoming more worried for her safety. We are considering placing her and hopefully in Jamestown , NY. Here's the thing--she's angry and has an explosive temper. She's used to being in charge and being independent. How can we make this move? Does the aide assist or do it alone (my sister and I are at least 7 hours away)? Thank you.

[@wendytucker5615]

Thank You for sharing this!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

My pleasure!

[@deniecezinnecker9630]

I think my mom's decline would have happened anyway, but I feel guilty, wondering if my sisters and I precipitated it: moving mom to memory care, then a month later taking her on several flights to go to a family reunion, followed by 6 weeks of emergency rooms, hospitalizations, and a stay in a skilled nursing facility. Finally, 3 months after we moved her to memory care, the doctor said that hospice was necessary. Sometimes I lie awake wondering if she'd be better if we had just moved her to memory care and not taken her to the family reunion. There are no guarantees or answers, just guilt that we made things worse.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Watch the video on Caregiver guilt! Maybe it will help. You have head knowledge about the situation…there is no guarantee she wouldn’t have had the decline regardless. You’ve got to get your heart on board. Your feelings. Dementia is a decline. Unavoidable. All my love as you work through your feelings. ❤️

[@deniecezinnecker9630]

@@DementiaWithGrace Thank you--my guilt is compounded by grief. I'm trying to work through this.

[@PamelaJoyce-dn6bx]

You did what you felt was the right thing at that time. Big hugs.

[@Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-8]

Thank you so much, Vicky. I have been wondering if the Facebook group was for me because my dad refuses to come to our home and now is in a placement in another state. Makes me so sad, and yet it was his choice. May be his last real choice, but he did choose. I will avail myself of the Facebook group more now that I know I am welcome there even though my father is not living with me. (I first found you two years ago when he was with us for the short term... I have read your book and lent it to quite a few friends dealing with this. So helpful!!) Thank you.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Always welcome. Care givers come in all forms! You are a caregiver even it’s not you who physically is beside him. All my love!

[@jimbull6630]

My mama is so far beyond explaining she is going to a nursing home. She doesn't recognize her home of 60 years she doesn't recognize me as her son, every afternoon she starts the I want to go home marathon. She has fell twice this week getting out of bed and wandering around at night packing clothes to leave, this is at our home I can't imagine her adjusting to the SNF. She is in stage six I had everything in place and admission date scheduled then backed out.

[@yaakovina]

Jim, It sounds like she’s already going through some transfer trauma. How long has your mom been in your home? Are you familiar with Sundowners?

[@jimbull6630]

@@yaakovina Sorry you misunderstood we live in the home that she has lived in for 60 years she and my dad built it when I was 3 years old. She wants to go to her mothers and fathers home her dad died the year before I was born her mother died 45 years ago in a nursing home with dementia.

[@yaakovina]

@@jimbull6630 ohh, now I understand. I’m sure you are already aware that for those who have dementia, most memories end around their mid-teens. I’m sure Vicky or others would have ideas for how you can compassionately “meet your mom where she’s at,” to lessen her emotional pain.

[@PamelaJoyce-dn6bx]

We are going through this now with our mom. It’s so hard. We believe she is in stage 6 as well. We are working with a social worker. She needs 24/7 care. My sister and I both work and our dad isn’t capable of taking care of mom. It’s so heartbreaking. We feel horrible.

[@jimbull6630]

@@PamelaJoyce-dn6bx It was the worst thing I've ever had to do. I managed to keep mom at home till the end she passed a few months after I made the original comment.

[@ehoebbel]

Just discovered group and watched this video. Very enlightening, thank you. Moved my mother 2 days ago from her Assisted Living apartment to memory care. She is definitely having transition trauma. Right now I get phone calls from her saying she hates the place and wants to go back to her apartment now. I feel such anxiety and not sure how to deal with how to respond to her right now. Any advice on best way to deal with her anger/anxiety? Thank you in advance for any insight.

[@wendyread1183]

In the same situation with my dad . . . moved from hospital to memory care two days ago . . . it's NOT going very well.

[@juliebutler8241]

My problem is the neglect and unresponsiveness of the asstliving place. Cold food too. I feel so bad for my Dad and stepmom. They saved a bunch of money, for what, to be treated like shit?

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I hear you, Julie! Just as any in other industry there are good apples and bad apples in the long-term care industry as well. I think I addressed in this video about the office of aging in every state. They are a world of help. Come over to the group on Facebook(I’ll leave a link) and there are lots of discussions around long-term care in assisted living and skilled nursing. I think you would be well advised to jump in with like-minded people even if we are on the Internet 😉 and share your frustrations and concerns. It’s a wonderful place to vent. I will leave the Link: m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace

[@janetfishwick8887]

My mother was put into a Care Home in December 2022 at the age of 94 after living alone for the last 32 years. She had stage 5 Alzheimers and had all the care packages available to assist her health and safety. We had exhausted every method of help for her ,despite her denial and refusal to comply with outside Agencies. Mother had a second fall in 2022 and was admitted into hospital with a small spinal injury in August of that year. She caught Covid and was in a constant state of confusion whilst on the hospital ward. I insisted that she needed an assessment for her mental capacity to self maintain. Mother was duly assessed and her capacity was deemed inadequate to continue living in her bungalow. She was thus admitted into a Care Home in August 2022. Mother died peacefully 4 months later surrounded by family. She was 3 weeks short of her 95th birthday. Her long arduous journey was finally over. We have no regrets whatever at her Care Home placement. The best and most professional medical place for her . 4 months

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Bless you and bless her… I know most people want to stay at home, aging in place. But it’s just unrealistic for most people, or at least some people, in this day and age. People are living longer with more complicated medical issues. So the promise that we made 20 or 30 years ago as children, or 60 years ago, as a spouse, is just no longer realistic in most cases. I am glad you were may be able to make the hard decision along with her healthcare team, that she could no longer live alone. I know that is so hard. But it sounds like you did the absolute right thing for her and hopefully have no regrets. Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. It will help others. ❤️❤️❤️ Vicky

[@janetfishwick8887]

@@DementiaWithGrace Thankyou so much for your reassuring words. I have followed many of your videos throughout mothers long journey and found them honest and so useful. Even though mother has passed, I still follow you and hope that my experience with her , which I posted regularly, may be relevant to others. JPF.

[@loribecchi8819]

you have such good info! my mom in law and dad in law are still living at home with some care (for him,she's good physically) but he doesn't have dementia really,she does and when they don't have a nurse there it falls on her and it's really not fair even though she's doing pretty good right now.We have to get them more home care and she says"yes he needs it I can't do all this myself." and then she says "I don't want all these people in the house." She has become very indecisive,she changes her mind every 5 minutes.We think she's listened to us and will be cooperative and then she forgets or changes her mind,is this "normal" in dementia?'

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m trying to catch up on comments, Lori so bear with me! Yes, indecision can absolutely be part of dementia, because concentration, critical, thinking, judgment reasoning, all of those things are affected, not just memory. So yes. Also, people without dementia are often very conflicted when it comes to critical decision making. dementia or not. Because it is a hard, heavy decision that usually must be made. And balancing needing help at home versus having strangers in your home, especially overnight, is a hard decision. Plus, you cannot always depend on “strange” Caregivers coming and that makes it so frustrating. So it is hard.

[@jjschannel6532]

I tried to join FB pg tonight. It let me fill out the 3 questions but when I hit submit nothing happens. I only recently found your videos. The video about Christmas made me cry because I answered yes to all of the questions in the first 3 minutes of the video.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Let me try to let you in manually!

[@sarahnichols4439]

I may need that link too. Can you send it on please? Thanks!

[@alaind42]

How to tell to the patient hat you will put her in a memory care unit ?

[@sarahnichols4439]

Hi. We may be moving my mother to memory care in the next few weeks and she is likely to be angry. She has reached that stage in dimentia and has often become angry or refuses to talk to anyone she deems guilty. This can last for a while and I’ve the feeling the transition will be hard. Anyway, as it’ll be her birthday next month and Mother’s Day in May, I was thinking of sending her flowers but what to say on the card? What can I do to ease the transition? Thank you.

[@dianamcclaurin7918]

Do you have a video for how to get my loved ones to change her underwear? She takes a shower once every 3 weeks and she keeps layering her underwear. Thanks

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I would try a couple of things: I would only have enough underwear for the day, and she would then probably ask where her “other” underwear is. You could then say, Sure, let’s CHANGE. OR The other thing would be to replace her underwear with disposables. She may be thinking she needs more underwear to catch her accidents, and her broken brain is thinking more layers is better. It’s all about trial and error. JOIN the group!!! Those geniuses have seen it all and have other great ideas for things such as this! Here is the link: m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace All my love, Vicky

[@DementiaWithGrace]

The OTHER thing…she needs to be showering more than that unless she is taking a “tops and tails” bath daily. Ie, Face, underarms, and privates. Some people call that a “pits and privates” or “tops and tails” bath. If you qualify for Home Care, you can have a shower aide come once a week or more to just get a shower accomplished. It is amazing what a professional in scrubs/nursing whites can inspire! Even if you can’t qualify for HHC, hiring a private duty nurse for a couple of hours a week is usually manageable. Here to help you think! Vicky

[@dianamcclaurin8589]

@@DementiaWithGrace I'm so grateful for your reply. It warmed my heart that you care so much. We have caregivers but they aren't nurses. I think that's a great idea to have another professional just come in for the "shower days". Not sure what happens if they get rebutted too. Trying to help my mom keep her dignity and ability to choose but like you said, she needs more washing. Do you have a talk on how to be firm but not mean and how to "convince" someone to do something when time matters? (e.g., nurse is there for 2 hours).

[@toryberch]

Vicki, what if your the one putting yourself in when the time comes? How do you enter a retirement memory care facility when your married and have a low income, we just paid off our modest home after working 7 yrs to pay off. I don't want my husband who has his own disability to lose his home. Do you divorce by paper only just to stop from the facility from taking our home? Sorry for the long post Vicki, but in time I can expect to be needing a facilities care due to parkinson's dementia

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Call your local Area Agency on Aging. Google your city/ state. And that phrase. They should have resources for your particular situation. I know that must be scary. Prayers for clear answers and support. ❤️❤️❤️

[@azbuckeyegirl9523]

I know that this is an old post, but in AZ they don’t take your home or your car or your social security if you have a surviving spouse. You may have to pay a couple hundred dollars (share of cost.) I was able to get Arizona Long Term Care (ALTECS) for my dad. My parents rent. FYI

[@kq2191]

Wish me luck, we’re going into memory care on Friday, rooms all ready but I’m concerned my husband won’t understand, I have no idea how he will respond. Very stressful, worse thing I’ve ever had to do. Just don’t know how he’ll take it. Mines stage 4/5

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Hey, I know this is a couple of days since you made this comment, but you do have all of my love as you make this difficult decision. I hope that he is adjusting well. I don’t know what your facilities rules are, but I always advised the family to leave them there at least a week before they visited so that there was time to adjust. I also understand that that is a long time! I hope you get this comment! Maybe it will be in your email! All my love! Vicky

[@kq2191]

@@DementiaWithGrace Vicky, thank you! We had a set back to monday . I too have been told to wait a week or more till he settles in. I’ve watched you so many times for advice and I appreciate all that your teaching all of us going through this hard transition. And your accent brings me comfort as my people are from Alabama as well. I don’t know what town your from but my people are Russellville and Athens. I’m wondering your advice on stage 5? What stage do most need full time care?

[@juliemusique-tn4dp]

I DONT KNOW HOW TO SUPPORT MORALLY MY MOM SHE IS CRYING AND NOT ACCEPTING TO MOVE FROM HOSPITAL TO A CARING HOME SHE CANNOT RETURN IN HER APPARTEMENT WHAT TO DO?

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m late seeing this and responding. I hope it’s gotten better. So much care placement just MUST happen for lots of reasons, and the Dementia with Grace Caregiver Support Group on Facebook really does help! Link is in notes directly under the video!

[@juliemusique-tn4dp]

@@DementiaWithGrace THANKS FOR READING

[@catea2551]

how can we all be doing great if we are watching this kind of video? it's depressing and causes so much anxiety. i hate the whole thing and feel totally responsible for my 90 year old mother's life and care.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Hey Cate…I hope that is your name! It looks like it maybe! I say you are all doing “great” because you ARE on my channel looking for help. For that very reason. It means you care if you are doing “it” right and I think it shows tenacity, empathy, and a host of other “great” attributes. Believe me, in 30 years of practice I have seen a lot of not great care. I get what you mean tho. It’s not a great situation. Not at all. It is catastrophic. Such a burden, especially if you are the one on whose shoulders it rests. Heartbreaking 💔. I know. Have you thought about joining the group? It has helped so many who feel alone under the weight of caregiving. It doesn’t totally make sense how a group of strangers on the internet that you never met could help carry the load, but somehow it does. ❤️ here is the link:

[@DementiaWithGrace]

m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace

[@CoryHendrixson]

Thank you for this. I watch this video on repeat when I feel the guilt of placing my parents in assisted living. Both my parents were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s within weeks of each other. We placed them in a two bedroom assisted living apartment a week ago for their safety (my moms been falling) and due to the diagnosis and future progression. They are definitely going thru transfer trauma, calling daily, saying they are packing and going home. It’s been so hard. Appreciate your videos and will reach out to the support group. Many thanks!