How To Set A Boundary

[@annaburns2865]

What they don’t tell you is that once you finally have boundaries and say “no” to your mom, she will throw the biggest tantrum ever and remind you that she is basically a 2 year old, mentally.

[@ou1l]

lmaoo i always message my brother (we barely hang out in our living room; we are always in our rooms...to no one's surprise) that some man-child is throwing a tantrum when we start hearing our dad shouting outside. And it's always just my mom expressing a different opinion from him 💀 can't talk shit about ANYTHING with people like this, I honestly can't remember the last time I candidly shared some of what I'm thinking.

[@TarotOverOracle]

And/or will heavily gaslight you by acting shocked and be like "this must be some kind of late teenage rebellion, you were such a good kid and now suddenly you're like this?? 22 year olds always act out and suddenly think they know everything, I heard about it before actually..." Yes she actually said stuff like that whenever i would try to put my foot down. And she contacted my therapist and said something like this to her as well, stating how "concerned" she was for me. She even wrote about this in her journal, where it said how hurt and attacked she felt, she left that page open on display on the dinner table so that I would see it and feel bad. Her manipulation was so disgusting, I don't miss her one bit.

[@furrygoose94]

@@ou1lsounds like my house!

[@qusmable]

That’s your exit ticket. Now you are justified to cut ties with her. At least until she apologizes. Good luck!

[@evaweiss1160]

I told my mom I didn’t want her to have a screaming fit in front of her granddaughter. Later that day she exploded like usual about something unimportant and when I confronted her she literally said “Your daughter screams all day too so why can’t I”. She is 59 and my daughter was 2 years old…

[@ha8236]

Only just learnt boundaries in my 30s. My mother often brings up, 'I cooked for you and cleaned and paid bills", as a way to get her own way or to get others to sympathise with her to be able to continue to justify her emotional and psychologically abusive behaviour. Yes parents do these things, and I never was ungrateful but to use these things as a form of control, should not be allowed. It's not unconditional love. It's an expectation. Expecting since I did all those things, I own you.

[@ranc1977]

In reality - there is nothing that we learn about boundaries. It is more to express ourselves, express our opinion, talk and be talkative, that we do not self censor the truth, the core truth inside us - which we are conditioned to hide and destroy and never express. There is no boundary as a tool or as a karate kid technique or to spend money focus and energy on trying to change some supposed broken or twister or abnormal parts inside us (which would only lead to personality disorder - and as we are falsely taught by CBT instructions to merely blame ourselves for being weak and sissy - while in reality we are conditioned and programmed to shut up and never express ourselves). Having boundary is simply being honest, authentic and objective and stating facts - without hysteria, without screaming, without drama - and this includes being silent after we said our bit, without engaging in endless Karpman Drama Triangle assertations and affirmations which only fuel antagonistic Cluster B monsters and gives them narc supply which they adore and love to swim into.

[@SiSi-xg1hk]

Everytime a parent says those things about cooking, cleaning, buying food, I just say "congratulations, you did what you were supposed to do as a parent & what other parents have been doing for thousands of years. Do you want an award?" Like that's their responsibility/duty as a parent. Yes, we can be grateful but that doesn't dissolve their faults as emotionally immature parents. My mother did those things but was otherwise emotionally unavailable or explosive. Now I'm not putting up with it.

[@ha8236]

@@SiSi-xg1hk I am in the same position as you too. I won't put up with it anymore. Unfortunately there is a cultural belief in the south asian community to not talk back with your parents. But it is needed when parents have toxic traits and use their status as a form of control.

[@anonymouskat6661]

I mean those are pretty basic bare minimum parental responsibility

[@ms.annthropic6341]

Gotta love it when someone presents themselves as exceptional for having done the absolute bare minimum.

[@americantoastman7296]

"My inner child WILL get overwhelmed but I don't have to respond in childlike ways" Oh my god... Thank you.

[@carmenl163]

I'm 57 and watching this makes me cry. I still feel toxic shame when I stand up for myself. It's the most lonely feeling there is.

[@astraamarante6233]

I don’t know if this would help, but whenever you feel ashamed, try to remind yourself that you’re worthy of love and that your existence isn’t a debt to pay back! Try to treat yourself how you’d treat your best friends. You definitely wouldn’t want someone walking all over someone that supported you through tough times and then let them feel like crap just for demanding basic human respect!

[@carmenl163]

@@astraamarante6233 I've never heard that expression before, about my existence being a debt I need to pay back, but it's absolutely accurate. Thank you for your kind words! Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

[@astraamarante6233]

@@carmenl163 Aw, yeah! It's an expression I sort of came to when I thought about the ridiculousness of parents thinking their kids owe them for just having life, and I'm glad I could help! Merry Christmas to you, too!

[@variablegrl]

I'm learning so much from you. Thank you, from bottom of my heart! I am healing at 62

[@ranc1977]

I have been seeking information about social anxiety since 1989 when there was no word for it. Thanks to Doctor Snipes a mere month ago I discovered that this social anxiety (result of being exposed to hysterical authority figures while growing up when our persona was forming and suppose to be validated and safe) is actually called Rejection Sensitivity, that a lot of Autistic and ADHD people suffer because they are exposed to hysteria and criticizing all the time for all of their lives - for not meeting societal norms: Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (when criticism hurts) - Being easily embarrassed - Heightened fear of failure - Unrealistically high expectations for self - Assuming people don't like you - Avoiding social settings - Perfectionistic tendencies

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

congrats! ❤

[@ranc1977]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool C.G. Jung - 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.'

[@fabolvaskarika7940]

Yeah, never too late. Although I had to have develop cancer to realise that I don't need to be the only one to put up with their feelings. They were nowhere when I needed them (emotionally) and using against me everything they did... Not really for me, but for the sake of the image of the family, which was toxic and was impossible to keep the facade in tact, but whatever went wrong it was, still is my fault. I refuse to participate in this theatre anymore!

[@supersunman6056]

@@fabolvaskarika7940I wish the best in healing to both you and the author of the original comment.

[@ranjitgallagher9337]

Walked on eggshells with both parents and grandparents growing up. At 44 I still do not have the power to set healthy boundaries. Thank you for these, I’m trying to help myself through them.

[@Bluemgwes]

Think of it like this. If I throw a pillow to you and your natural instinct is to catch it, and I ask for it back, your natural instinct is also to give it back. This time, I tell you that pillow represents your power. I throw it to you and I ask for it back. Would you give it back knowing it’s your power? Absolutely not! It’s the same situation with people who are controlling and manipulative. Keep that image in your head when you feel someone is trying to take your power because YOU make the choices and have the power and control over your own life. Don’t let anyone tell you differently!

[@americantoastman7296]

I wish you the best. It's never too late to become a healthier and happier person. And I know it's so tough. Take your time and I hope you can achieve your goals!!

[@Ime_Prezime]

Good luck, these things aren't easy to deal with

[@SatumainenOlento]

My mother uses emotions as her excuse. "But I love you so much and have always wanted only the best for you." Yes, it sounds true and she is speaking the truth, but she also expect me to take care of her emotions and not "hurt her" by disagreeing with her or doing what she does not want me to do. "I have always wanted you the best, but you can only be doing it if you do what I say or you do not love me". Something like that. It is not logical. But that's how it plays out. Like I can only love her if I do what she says. Or thinks the same way about everything. Etc.

[@Jme.Online]

This applies to other types of relationships too, not only between parents and children.

[@ranc1977]

With the difference in marriage when there is a chance of femicide. Then we must fawn and please until we get money to run away or alert police if we live in civilized country where abuse is criminal act. Another example is living in poor country and having toxic job - where being assertive would lead to loss of job. This both examples are called Unfavorable Power Dynamics. HealthyGamer made video about this a month ago. When we are discriminated against and oppressed and when toxic system does not offer help or punishment for the criminally insane perpetrators - we have no other choice but to fawn until we have project and money to escape the toxic ambient.

[@Etianen7]

Yup, I had a boss like that.

[@crow_feather]

​@@Etianen7For the sake of your happiness, I'm glad that that boss is very much a thing of the past! Hope you're in a work situation that's far healthier and happier than the one before!

[@Etianen7]

@@crow_feather Yes, I don't work there anymore. Unfortunately I'm still unemployed because I'm working through the trauma. Thank you for the positive thoughts!

[@MsJoyce31202]

Yes.

[@racothran]

Man, all of your videos make me appreciate my parents immensely....as an adult, I respect them for providing for me and being emotionally available. Sure, they weren't there for every single thing, and I still have confrontation issues, but I recognize that they did everything they could to love and RAISE me to be a good person. Thank God they knew how to use tough love correctly... They let me have my own (very dumb! Haha) experiences and even stepped away when I wouldn't listen to them. Sometimes, experience is the only teacher left.

[@Person12216]

I agree. I had a great mom that was intentionally mindful of a lot of things.

[@janine2432]

Nice to hear praise for your parents. So good you noticed these things!

[@itsdune079]

Ha I didn’t have parents who were emotionally available. I’m so glad that you did and I wish I had your parents, growing up

[@CrystalwithaK1980]

My mom passed away just two weeks ago, so this made me cry a little. That being said, everything said here really hit home. My mother had good intentions, and I believe she was trying to do right by me. However, she was a very controlling person. She was never explosive. Her tactics were more manipulative than intimidating, and she was DAMN good at it. Very insightful video. Thanks for sharing!

[@jen-a-purr]

I’m so sorry for your loss

[@Swashbuckler9x]

I don't doubt at all you'll reunite in the great beyond. We all will, straight back to the source. Be safe, be well, be kind to yourself.

[@cartersessal4551]

People pleasing can come from emotionally instable parents? Didn't know that but it makes so much sense.

[@ranc1977]

In psychology this is called Fawning. CBT and DSM bans information about trauma because pharma mafia is making too much good profit from our neurosis and tries to suppress information about Complex Trauma - because when we know what is happening - there would be no need for narcissists hidden in medical industry who are nothing else but drug pushers and abusers.

[@PassionateFlower]

I'm genuinely curious where you initially thought people pleasing behavior stemmed from prior to your realization.

[@vaska1999]

​@@PassionateFlower Some of our personality or character traits are strongly genetically coded for. You can see that very clearly when very small children begin exhibiting character traits of one of the parents. It's not imitation but nature.

[@_DeadlyNightshade_]

Well yeah, bcoz you'd do anything to avoid them getting angry, hence, pleasing them, and as an adult you please whenever there is conflict (as if our job is to solve people's problems 🙄). It's okay to not be liked by all.

[@notyourtypicalgirl9802]

I'm 26 and my mom does this (I'm living with my parents)... I healed so much I'm proud of myself!

[@TheJazzy7]

@notyourtypicalgirl9802 27 here. Same situation. I’ve been dealing with it all my life, it’s really hard to grow when you’re treated like this on a regular basis. Good on you, girl : )

[@jenniminder1362]

Move out. It is time.

[@justrachel4496]

@@jenniminder1362A lot of people can’t in this economy. I’m in the same boat. I promise we would all move out tomorrow if we could, and there is no need to try to make us feel worse about an aspect of our lives that sucks and we can’t change right now.

[@whyparkjiminnotridejimin]

​@@jenniminder1362It isn't a must to move out.

[@TheJazzy7]

@@jenniminder1362 I live in Canada. Our rent is the highest in the world. Not as easy for me as you're assuming.

[@lorisiccia5914]

This is so good. Being heard when setting the boundaries is often a challenge. Ignored or talked over.

[@srvntlilly]

Talked over. That's the one. I learned to just let her have her tantrum, and go ahead and do what I needed to do for my own life, anyway, not what she *expected* me to do for her.

[@N03xNemo]

Talked over, then they wonder why i don’t bother responding.

[@ElanaVital83]

My mom uses guilt like crazy. Whenever I say "no" about something, she acts hurt and I feel like a bad person so I end up giving in.

[@americandissident9062]

My mom uses guilt and passive aggressive comments to control what everyone around her is doing.

[@soulscompasshealing]

Yep, very familiar with this. You hit the nail on the head, to expect them to change is also emotionally immature and harmful to the self. Breaking those patterns of being the pleaser, run by guilt, and coming into our own self sovereignty, that is the medicine!

[@ranc1977]

There is nothing to break. It is more about understanding, without changing anything inside us. We are as adults formed as personality. IF we decide to suppress, destroy or nitpick parts of our persona - we will create personality disorder and mental illness. Having fear when someone is abusive is natural, there is no pathology in this feelings, emotions, reactions, defense mechanisms. Only pathology is to abuse other people and harm them.

[@hydrogreen1111]

My daughter is presently caught up in circumstances being forced out of the house leaving her two children behind. The father and her husband is in self-denial about his psychological abuse of my daughter constantly berating her, making her feel guilty and gaslighting the shit out of her. He turned out to be a control freak even to the extreme of demanding my daughter think they way he wanted her to think and demanded she "change" to conform to is expectations. The difficult part is he can't he reasoned with. I am talking her through this the best I can but now I clearly understand how people get shot and killed in the most extreme of circumstances. The worst part now is the "parent" is lying to his own children about their mother using the children as a shield to protect himself.

[@kittykittycat8379]

You're the mother. How did you let this situation happened? What did you do about it? Being a bystander doesn't make you not responsoble🙄

[@theharmonyofknowledge1286]

​@@kittykittycat8379How do you know for sure that she's not doing anything about it? Just because she didn't explicitly say what she was doing, doesn't necessarily mean that she's doing absolutely nothing at all.

[@justtired123]

​@@kittykittycat8379why are you talking about? It sounds like she didn't know the man was crazy until her daughter started telling her what was going on and now she is trying to help her. The family court system in the US is absolutely horrendous. They give known abusers joint custody as a rule and rarely will allow you to protect children. If he is physically abusive and is actually arrested there is a chance he could get supervised visits for a while. With no arrest record he will get joint custody

[@FuriousEevee93]

Why did she leave her children with the abuser? She should of taken them with her

[@saijanaswamy7210]

Toxic ppl don't like it when u stick up for yourself, have boubdaries, don't give them the reaction they want, can't break you, heal your inner child, become self aware. So all the more keep doing it. The "damage" your body deals with just frm being around them is there. Try to grey rock if you need to and when you have energy practice self care...crying has been a release for me so do that too if you feel like it

[@ashleiamber9653]

We had a family reunion at Disney World. All expenses paid generously by my grandfather. It was the trip of the decade, no expense spared, and everyone was soo excited to go. My mom and her sister kept butting heads.. I am not sure what reason and she burst out crying and said "she wanted to go home" after a day. It took me 28 years of building my own life to realize that I had an emotionally explosive parent, and this wasn't a mature reaction from a 48-year-old woman.

[@PassionateFlower]

Fun fact, you don't owe your abusers your love, loyalty, time, attention, respect, gratitude, or your forgiveness!😁🎉If you choose to give them those things then that is your choice but society and social conditioning will try to pressure you to provide these unconditionally to your abusers, don't fall for it! Live for you!

[@jonnemopola7245]

Exactly!!

[@coppersense999]

She can remind herself that her parent is in a triggered state arising out of her own unprocessed childhood trauma most likely. Aka hurting ppl hurt ppl. That does not excuse her behavior, which might be understandable but not acceptable.

[@ranc1977]

Yeah, but central focus is that me cut trauma bonding and that we shift primary focus away from attention seeking mentally ill Cluster B monsters. That you perceive them as background noise - not as god like figure which we must obey at all cost.

[@gobetter350]

I wonder how the mother feels when she behaves like that.what goes through her mind.

[@8karenwalker]

Wow... I need to memorize this and use as my internal dialogue every time I'm with my mom.

[@ranc1977]

There is nothing to memorize. If you put on an act or play the role - you do not understand what is happening. When you trust yourself as you are - you accept yourself, your thoughts, your present way of thinking - and you are honest and authentic - without changing anything inside you or pretending to be someone else. The difference is in understanding that difficult people are mentally ill and that you cannot treat them like normal people - that means trusting them, you cannot trust mentally ill people. You do not hate them. You do not treat them as trash. You do not fight with them - they are mentally ill. So - common sense will tell you how to handle and deal with someone who is cripple but pretends to be sane and normal. You agree with what is normal - you ignore when they throw temper tantrums and not take it personally anymore since now you broke trauma bond with them - you do not see them as normal human beings anymore but someone who must be institutalized and spend the rest of their lives in mental institution. When you see reality as it is, you no longer will over react or be triggered by them. This takes practice.

[@8karenwalker]

@@ranc1977 Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my comment to succinctly. One question, please: How can I differentiate between my projections of unresolved issues and traumas versus someone who is actually mentally ill? I mean, it is also possible that I'm projecting and the other person is mentally ill... But I have heard that if I'm having a reaction to something that (I perceive) someone did to me, then it's my projection. Otherwise, I wouldn't react. I don't know how to not make it about me, so I go straight to "I'm the one who's wrong, projecting, and overreacting."

[@ranc1977]

@@8karenwalker "How can I differentiate between my projections of unresolved issues and traumas versus someone who is actually mentally ill?" This is excellent question. And this is something that we don't know. This is something that philosophers notices as a great problem - from ancient Greece to the birth of modern philosophy by Descartes, Kant, Schopenhauer and others - we do not know reality, we do not know outer reality. There is no way to measure it. And even if we put it in a laboratory - it is temporary. Anything we measure can be different in the past and it can be different in the future due to complex variables from inside and from outer , external factors. Einstein discovered this phenomena in Universe and Space with his Relativity theory - that everything is relative. Mentally ill person can be extremely manipulative and pathological liar - so they cannot be reliable source to measure. Others can be governed by hormones and imbalances inside the brain which may or may not be connected to mental abnormalities. Some people may be in toxic ambient , toxic country and pick up toxic habits - which will completely vanish if they permanently relocate and escape toxic influence. We are talking here about Paradox of infinity - and philosophers have discovered that the only way to cut any paradox - is to make mistake - and stick with hypothesis as if it is true. This means - we will make mistakes. We will label someone wrong, we will create certain damage eventually with quick bias and oversimplification - we are doomed to make mistakes and make fool out of ourselves by wrong conclusions and hence wrong decisions in life. Then we need to have more understanding to annoying and irritable people who make mistakes. Because otherwise we are depended on other people to explain us life and reality and other people. How reliable is someone else's description? Especially if they are not experts or lack experience or hasn't been in our skin to know what was happening before, they can't know. And in the same time - if we believe ourselves only - we will be egocentric and become narcissistic. Freud discovered the solution to this problem - and he called it SuperEgo. SuperEgo is part of our brain that handles moral and ethical issues, it is our common sense and intuition - it is build upon all our knowledge and sense of what is right and wrong, it is composed of anything we learned in school and in kindergarten and at home and within our community and media. Problem starts if we are raised in toxic ambient where we were punished for expressing ourselves and where we were programmed to trust someone in authority and dismiss our own needs - then we won't trust ourselves at all. We will depend on other people to explain anything in life. We are easily controlled through guilt and shame. Other people can simply nitpick our mistakes and present it as catastrophe and we will shut up, self censor, fawn and withdraw from protest - because when we are kind, nice, open, friendly, cooperative, agreeable - toxic people will take advantage of all these healthy qualities and use it against us in order to make us feel bad for our mistakes, flaws and lack of information - so that we become passive and inactive in life - then predators can get away with crime and nobody actually criticizes them, since we will be isolated and feeling depressive and ashamed and afraid all the time due to their targeted unfair and lying criticism. I see the solution in feeding our SuperEgo - which means that we educate ourselves. In order to detect toxic people there is 'The Hare Psychopathy Checklist - check it out on google. Also Glasser made list how to check what is healthy and what is toxic: Controlling Habits: Blaming Criticizing Complaining Nagging Rewarding To Control Threatening Punishing William Glasser William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits: Listening Supporting Encouraging Negotiating Respecting Accepting Trusting Videos about narcissistic abuse from the reliable sources such as Doctor Ramani are also great help to discern who is narcissistic and toxic.

[@ou1l]

my dad is somewhat like this; really can't have a discussion with him without the other person getting yelled at. I've since stopped asking him for opinions or sharing most of my plans or decisions. It's like ... he gets personally offended if you don't agree with him or if you don't follow every single one of his advices (as well-meaning as they sometimes be) The amount of times I have to assert myself is ridiculous and I learned to keep saying things like: It's NORMAL to not agree with you about everything. It's NORMAL to not do what you want. NO you can't just guilt trip me into following what you say because I'm my own person, with my own goals and motivations. I will NOT continue our conversation if you just can't help screaming at me. It's crazy bcs why am I parenting my own parent? They are supposed to teach me these boundaries, instead I had to realize all these things during that one time he punched me for letting him know that I can't even ask him about simple things without being screamed at that I'm stupid for asking in the first place 😭💀 All I wanted is for him to listen without blowing up. Oh, my mom? She's just over there sitting calmly, repeating all the guilt tripping spiels they've said ever since I was a child 🤷‍♀️ Right now, my brother is in his early adulthood and just recently had a job. I'm always, always encouraging him to advocate for himself and to not give in when he's being intimated by all the screaming.

[@Zoobamafoo]

❤ It's enlightening to see these videos, but at 60+, trying to change my reactions to these kind of people I'm not being very successful at not slipping back into that mentality. In my case my mother was emotionally unavailable & would send me outside or cheat at games we played when I was winning, & my dad, though he was a bit more loving, was controlling with lectures about grooming me to be passive, & be what a man wanted for a wife...not pursuing any hobbies or career. I'm single & terrified of starting a relationship with any men because I ended up in an even unhealthier marriage. But I am understanding how my depression, anxiety and cptsd has developed.

[@mkhanania]

Divine timing, as usual. Thank you.

[@butterflychaser4538]

Wow, this couldn’t have come at a more perfect t time with the holidays arriving. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the help and healing you give the world and people like me❤

[@Koko-xm4ru]

I pray all the children who had been emotionally damage can stand up for them selves and be a better version amen

[@curiouslyunruffled]

So relatable and empowering. You both are angels. I learn so much about myself from these skits every single time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤

[@ranc1977]

Meh! I had a spout over Twitter with La Pera for past month. This video is reconciliation. Over Twitter she claimed that people pleasing is sickness and we must change ourselves and be hysterical to hysterical people - while I tried to explain that people pleasing is not characteristic personality trait, it is conditioning, a reflex, and if we decide to label it as characteristic persona - we will create personality disorder. As CBT instructs us to label trauma and exposure to abuse as personality disorder and cognitive distortion. In this video she confirms my arguments and facts: that our only job is to validate ourselves, without nitpicking or changing or modulating anything inside our Divergent mind.

[@crazyminegamer2339]

⁠​⁠ People pleasing is an unhealthy survival tactics certain upbringings force children to learn. It’s important people who grow up with this people pleasing coping mechanism learn to stand up for themselves in a reasonable manner instead of reverting to those people pleasing methods. I don’t know if you were arguing that we don’t need to change ourselves and stop these people pleasing behaviours, or if you were arguing against the idea of them being just a personality trait, but either opinion is unhealthy. It is something we do need to change about ourselves if it’s a coping mechanism we exhibit, as it’s not healthy.

[@leeboriack8054]

Love these emotional demo skits. It explains the how the dynamics work and how to intervene.

[@Mel-gg3xg]

Thank you for making this video. I'm now 30 and finally realizing how to deal with my mom.

[@manastic7270]

Mindset To Carry To Become Emotionally Healthy "When you go into your emotionally explosive mode I can respond in new ways." "What new ways?" "Well, when you try to dominate the conversation and get extremely loud I can remind myself that you're trying to intimidate and control me and it's not my fault that you can't manage your own emotions."

[@whatcookgoodlook]

This cuts deep. Thanks for breaking down these sorts of relationships and thank you for helping to educate the next generation

[@Beatngu23]

I just found this channel and I'm so grateful! My father treated me bad, and now I can put it into words!

[@ritatinajera247]

Please recommend a book on this topic! Thanks for showing what a boundary looks like. I am still struggling just to identify what one is. Thanks for your work!!

[@HannaWeiss1]

I learn a lot about the topic. I am a professional myself but am really understanding things better than I did before. You are doing a wonderful job here! Thank you!!!

[@BlakeLight722]

This is great! It actually makes you stronger as a person coming to terms and knowing all this. Still frustrating as heck knowing they know this about themselves and still behave the way they do though

[@Sleipnirseight]

Walking away from a tantrum is extremely liberating. Toxic parents want attention, even if it's you fighting back with them. Train them with classical conditioning - explain that if they do A (e.g. yelling), B will the the result (e.g. you hanging up or leaving). You stick to that and don't give in to their attempts to engage you in a tantrum or yelling match. They'll change their tune quick, and they'll finally start to behave calmly enough you can start to have civil, healthy conversations like normal adults, making real progress.

[@JulieChanDoitsu]

This is great advice, thanks for sharing it!

[@mtc-j9i]

This is a great role play. This started with my parents and continued in every life situation and relationship. Time to start fresh with new boundaries, new coping skills, and hopefully some new people.

[@_DeadlyNightshade_]

This is me after therapy and learning about narcissism. I feel emotionally detached from Nmom and it is freeing.

[@elizabeth2416]

All well and good in theory, and I'm sure many of your viewers have experience in logotherpay, but it would have been great if you'd acted out what it looked like after describing the internal dialogue. Do you get up and walk away? Let them rant? Keep away physically from a Mother like that? What does it look like in practise?

[@Nova1-]

Clearly express yourself, assert the boundary, limit the contact. Walk away if you want to. Do what feels right for YOU. The more healing work you do, it will be clear as day what to do, because your cognition and affect become congruent and integrated so you don’t feel lost and confused anymore.

[@TeaWithTheAuthor]

Being able to tell your parents something is one of the best things you can do..... 😊

[@bubblebubble279]

I surely hope my poor children realize this at some point and start setting boundaries ☹️ I hurt them so much that now I am observing that they are letting others control and abuse them just as I did (friends, classmates and teachers). In my immaturity, on top of all, it never occurred to me that my rage against everything and everyone would leave a pattern that they would follow on their social circle 😔 and now I really don't know how to help them because I always went through exactly the same hell and have never been able to overcome it. Inherited toxicity.

[@tenofivelips]

The reaction at the end helped lighten up a very heavy subject. Thanks.

[@artistocracy]

The minute we refuse to allow others close to us to press our buttons, and we learn to let them just be without our feeling like we must respond or try to diffuse the painful experience, we can be free to enjoy our own lives in peace!

[@zhenren9703]

Saying this to my mom would have sent her into a rage lol. She hates feeling inferior/being "wrong". I laughed at her outburst in the past.. oh boy!

[@aurorabath]

Parent child relationships are so difficult, but when you lose both your parents somehow you don't remember any of it and you don't care anymore. You just want them back even for 5 minutes 😭😭😭

[@Danka42]

with some parents, you just feel relief

[@PassionateFlower]

Ya some of us feel a genuine sense of relief when our abusive parents pass on.

[@mindfullymellow2323]

I sniffled maybe 5 minutes when my dad passed. Don’t think about him at all.

[@goldenpony822]

Speak for yourself son.

[@dannomusic47]

You two are friggin GREAT! I know nothing lasts forever so I’m going to enjoy the hell out of these while they last. Very very helpful.

[@AlltheWorldsAStage444]

I’ve got to lock this gold nugget in and incorporate this in my time of self healing, thanks💡

[@catherinesinclair7727]

Wow, these are powerful conversations you are making available. A safe space to watch interactions happen which may be or seem impossible in real life / the mind of an abused child

[@simplysunmoon]

Her face at the end 😅😘❤️

[@alimay967]

The question is -where is the penguin?

[@jewelsbarbie]

The penguin is only there when she is role playing a child.

[@m-elena.s]

Oh my WOW… 52 years old and it all makes sense now… Needed to hear this

[@spinnettdesigns]

Woo hoo! I love it!!! Great responses from a mature person who’s accepted responsibility for their own lives 👏

[@annap9441]

This shorts are incredibly HELPFUL !

[@Yanman93]

So true, and so sad, that parent-child relationships can end up like this. It's a warning bell that all new parents out there should look out for Not to do

[@luciaengel3]

JUST what I needed....it was an alligned message and THANK YOU! ❤

[@Katz_Pajamas]

With an overexplosive parent I learned to not accept that behavior from them. I'm not going to sit there and find ways to communicate better, wasting time and energy on a disrespectful person. If you're not going to respect me, you're not important to me, nor unimportant, you're just for now...invisible. It's very easy. I don't get upset about it, but by my actions I immediately make it clear that an invisible person is not heard, an invisible person cannot make somebody upset, and non-existent is usually what people don't want to be, but that they alone have the key to fix it. What this does usually is make them understand that they're only hurting themselves and making themselves miserable in the end. Start talking like that...you're forgotten until you act right. 😃👍

[@ou1l]

Always walking away when shit hits the fan always gets the job done. Makes them super mad lmao. It disappointing that it's apparent I can never have a normal discussion or an argument with my parent, but it is what it is. It's so exhausting. They can deal with all the shouting, I'm out 😴✌️

[@cairozephyr]

These videos are helping me have a better understanding of subtext! Thank you so much -an autistic young adult

[@shrimpdance4761]

They aren't necessarily capable of dealing with the disappointment, but you realize that's not on you, either.

[@Newday749]

This is great. I have to remember this. I most definitely had this moment today.

[@ranc1977]

There is nothing to remember. It is about understanding that mentally ill people are non cooperative and that we must treat them like 2 years old instead of believing lies which they present as facts or reality.

[@HEARTLESSKAMUI]

My parents didnt put me through college amd still act like this, there's no solution. They'll have plenty of time to reflect once they realize theyll never meet their grandkids.

[@cartersessal4551]

Can you give an example of this new response to an emotionally immature parent?

[@ranc1977]

This is something you must come up with yourself. Each situation is different and specific. Also - this is new approach which media and medical industry is unable to vocalize due to archaic CBT which is ableism and approach of self blame and self pathology. It is about realizing that exposure to relentless criticism while we were growing up - we developed Rejection Sensitivity and we were programmed to shut up and fawn to anyone who is loud and aggressive. Some people respond by becoming abusers. We chose to follow our heart and soul and we became "people pleasers" and pushovers - to align with our personality trait of being Agreeable and Open. This is the very reason why there is no specific technique how to handle difficult antagonistic Cluster B monsters. Some narcissists are covert - and they will appear pleasant and nice - so if psychology instructs you to react to someone who is throwing temper tantrums - in the same time, like Trojan Horse - covert abusers will sneak in and destroy you from within without you ever noticing that person who is pooping in your bed is mentally ill malignant borderliner. Because they have focused empathy and appear good in public. It is about accepting and validating yourself - it is about deep validation and understanding that there is nothing sick or abnormal inside you. Abusers will program us since childhood to believe that we are inept and incompetent by nitpicking our mistakes. So basically - you do not have to change anything. It is not about learning karate kid fight MMA moves, it is not about learning faulty CBT approach of being "assertive": It is only about accepting yourself and knowing deep down that mistakes are natural and normal and flaws are ok and errors are here to we learn from them and improve - not as a way to hate ourselves for having them - as we were been programmed to believe. When you really get and understand this rejection sensitivity and accepting your mistakes - and that all our problems stem from being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 over normal mistakes - you will notice that you no longer need to protect yourself with defense mechanisms - and instead you can simply be yourself- honest, authentic, without need to overcompensate or revenge or prove something to someone who is not open to dialogue - and rely on your common sense how to react and handle and deal with mentally ill people who mimic being sane to society.

[@cartersessal4551]

@@ranc1977 That's like wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you so much for responding to my comment! Thanks! I'll show this answer to my ex, I guess it'll help him to see that he was toxic for me at some points like in critisising my every move and every little thing/mistake I made in our relationship. I can only repeat myself: Thank you!

[@ranc1977]

​@@cartersessal4551 Yep, we will attract toxic people because they easily sniff out our openness, kindness and tolerance of abusive behavior and exploit our wounds. It's best that you cut contact with such person, they live in delusional world and they cannot comprehend psychology. They will interpret what I said as attack on them, they will present themselves as victims, they are successful in manipulation, lying, pathological lying, coercive control and gaslighting. Best approach is to cut all contact with them.

[@Doh_Ray_Me]

Yup. Story of my life. Thank you so much for these informative videos. I finally feel validated and acknowledged. 🙏❤

[@Kavehneedsmora]

It’s sad a lot of parents do this and many other ways of emotional abuse and I feel sad for the children who have to live through this thinking it’s normal.

[@geena-g-777]

Thank you for such amazing content please never stop you are helping us understand and wake up ❤❤❤ God bless you both

[@Anon12077]

I have a dad who is emotionally immature like this and it’s honestly made me extremely volatile in my own way. I feel like I’m so used to being the one being talked at and degraded that I now feel like I have to be the overly assertive one just to regain my own self-respect in feeling like I’m not a victim. But deep down I know that way of thinking makes me not tremendously different from him so… I’m working on not trying to fight so hard to be right in order to feel validated.

[@ranc1977]

Actually I love this. I criticize a lot La PEra over Twitter, but tweets over there are not saying this what is being said in this video. Over twitter she claims that people pleasing is sickness and that we must hate ourselves for being pushover, that it is our choice and that we must nitpick our personality - which only leads to personality disorder. What is being said in this video - is the correct approach. This is it. This is 100 percent correct approach how to handle difficult narcissistic people - that we do not blame ourselves and that we do not engage in fights with untreated mentally ill people. We do not stay silent to them and we do not change anything inside us - but confirm and affirm ourselves as person and their Cluster B prison mindset in the same time. I have no idea why twitter is not aligned with you tube?

[@dianecallaghan2655]

This resonates with me on many levels, thank you for giving me a few ideas

[@susiemac6295]

You’re assuming the emotionally unstable / narcissistic / immature / non-self aware parent will fully comprehend what you’re saying. A less convoluted approach is needed. Be simple and polite yet firm and direct. No need to over explain yourself to them.

[@ranc1977]

She said that in the video, watch it again. I made text , here it is, check it out: "So now when you go into your emotionally explosive mode I can respond in new ways. When you try to dominate and get extremely loud I remind myself you try to intimidate and control and it's not my fault you can't manage it. When you have unrealistic expectations I can remind myself that my role in life isn't to meet those expectations. When you blame me for things I'll no longer defend myself, not feel guilt, or make you feel better. I can change how I respond to you." I actually got into argument with La Pera over Twitter because she annoyed me with her tweets where she stated that people pleasing is personality flaw and something to destroy while totally ignoring Cluster B monsters - as you said in your comment here. In this video she is talking exactly what I tried to explain her at Twitter: there is no focus anymore on abusers. We shift focus away from abusers - we do not look at them as gods anymore - and then react in natural way as we would to any other mentally ill person - being firm, without trusting them, without seeing them as responsible adults - but as cripples, invalids , someone who is angry because they are children trapped in adult bodies who cannot take care of themselves. Now when we deeply comprehend and see reality as such - we will stop blaming ourselves or try to communicate with them as adults (overexplaining in an attempt that we know that they have brain which is able to process given information).

[@fletcherhorwath6390]

They say it like that for us the audience to give us the information not for the imaginary parent you dont have to do it exactly like this

[@pia-8927]

My mom still does this. When me and my siblings we’re little, we tried please her and its was never enough. Her mood always unpredictible, we never know if she had bad day at work or not, then she would lash out on us. Walked on eggshells everyday. I used to think ‘oh it have been good these past few days’ knowing mom its going to lash soon. Now we barely in contact. And when something goes not to her standard, she ghosting allmost all of us. And after a few weeks she comes back as if nothing has happen. No explanation.

[@YeshuaKingMessiah]

Setting boundaries isn’t setting up an inner dialogue It’s not tolerating the crazy I walk away or hang up

[@machtnichtsseimann]

1:23 - That last drawback cracked me up. Whether it was intentionally meant to be comedic or not, it IS funny, the "outrage".

[@jacintacruz9492]

Thank you for the new video even if it's not what I really wanted to see or hear.

[@ranc1977]

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” - Pema Chödrön

[@DarkFoxV]

I had boundaries, then when I had to deal with my toxic beologival mother, I had to cowtow to survive and it really screwed me up in being able to speak up properly for myself, with anxiety, being able to feel safe, and issues with fawning. Unfortunately, my biological mothers response is to keep going on and on for weeks, and qlickly escalating to violence, black mail, and manipulation. That's left me very traumatised, and it's exceedingly hard for me to see my own grandmother now (who actually raised me.) My aunts/uncles cowtow and enable, and do not hold her accountable. "Flying monkies" "crazy making." And I've had to deal with ridiculous script flipping, with my biologival mother going with script A, then later takeng word f;r word what I said and saying that she was the one saying it. Absolutely ridiculous and insulting.

[@AicimounLight]

GOD I LOVE YOU! You are ON POINT EVERYTIME! ❤ THIS IS REALLY SOOOO HELPFULL. THANK YOU TONS!

[@leahannwhite1111]

Others intimidating and controlling me are imagined. 💓

[@Bella-wp7wz]

Seeing the comment section makes me tear up.. I’m glad I’m not alone in healing ❤

[@bryanbaez4412]

My personal favorite pro gamer move is the “I just won’t talk to you ever again” finisher

[@dave23024]

Glad to see how it really is. For so many years, I've always attracted the ultra-rare women who flip out like a pissed off chimpanzee whenever I talked about boundaries.

[@amyameliaberge4051]

Love these videos! Disappointment is a part of life, and people can handle it.

[@Calm_wisdom]

My parent replied "don't talk back to me, you're so disrespectful" and now they're angry and won't talk to me and have decided to cut me out of the will. Thanks alot.

[@orgonitehealingnl4431]

This is really good to see.

[@godnyx117]

Another moment of: "The people who need to see and understand this will not do".

[@yippee8570]

I recently realised that my mother is emotionally a child. When I respond to her demands the way I would a child, she backs down. I'm glad I finally, at the grand old age of 46 (she's 78) learned how to handle her, but it's sad to see because we can't have a true relationship and it's sad because I know now that her needs as a child were not met. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to get to this point...

[@MsNevaeh13]

Incredible 👏👏thank you ladies

[@xenialxerous2441]

Extraordinary 🎯💯🙌🏻

[@letitbreak]

Yeahh...last time i tried to set a boundary with my parent it was about needing space to process things and that resulted with me locking myself in the bathroom for two hours to be safe but then I made the mistake of going to my room (no lock), go hit trying to keep my door closed, and was threatened with the cops if i didn't leave to go to a hotel last min during the start of covid... Good advice IF you can do so safely and not get bulldozed over and traumatized ✌️

[@rababkhursheed]

Thanks. I really needed to hear this exactly like it is today ❤❤

[@autumnsartstudio]

My mother used alcohol when we "hurt her " like we supposedly do. Oh my son left state to go to college...gotta drink oh my daughter's overweight gotta drink. And when you tell her her drink is affecting your mental health she turns it around and goes well your actions effect MY mental health. 😊

[@TheKrispyfort]

Thank you for the words 🙂

[@Hunnydanes]

So great. But it threw me a bit seeing you and Jenna switched up roles. 😂❤

[@jenniferslovak2623]

Whoa!!! Like a BOSS!!! THANK YOU!!!

[@shreeparna777]

Thank you so much for coming up with solution like this! Thank you❤

[@MileHighGski]

Thank you so much for this!!

[@Bill0102]

This is an admirable piece of work. I read a similar book that made me a changed person. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@sheenamohan2555]

Thank you so much ....❤ your videos helps a lot

[@Mudi2783]

How does KZbin know exactly what is going on in my life and recommended this video which is so specifically relatable? 😱 Am I beiing tapped?

[@Un2100]

I remember when I screamed back and started to really really argue but without losing my shit. Just serious serious "well no you have my undivided attention and im not gonna let slip any of your words" They can broke too

[@thelongestshadow3389]

Im smoking one in the pipe for that, i just heard my whole better self in your dialogue. And i believe with practice i will be capable of the same when im met with these tactics as i also had an emotionally overwhelming parent who shut down a lot. Thank you.

[@moniquemosley2122]

That was beautiful 🎯💛🔥💯

[@Shalondria]

My Mother has now resorted to reminding me of how she nearly died giving birth to me. She was a teenager and she was small and I almost killed her. So…I owe it to her not to set any boundaries ever whatsoever.😅

[@gins8781]

How about, “Wow Mom, that must have been very traumatic for you to still feel injured by it. Have you ever thought about getting therapy? I’m not really in a position to help you deal with that personal issue.” I know….. probably easier said than done.