How to Set Boundaries with Parents at Any Age - Terri Cole

[@kaceyleighton2899]

My dad will say " I miss who you used to be". I don't, I like having a spine. I learned how to embrace my assertive nature, and boy have a developed a morbid sense of humor. As always though, very good video.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@beththordsen]

Honestly, when I started standing up for myself, my older sister and my mom both called me a bitch. Because I wouldn't let them take my shirt or borrow my stuff.

[@kaceyleighton2899]

@@beththordsen I'm very strict now days about people "borrowing" my stuff. If I don't have a spare, or it wasn't cheap, or they have a track record of not returning anything, they don't barrow. I got called " lame, selfish,etc"

[@jacquelinegrace3]

@@kaceyleighton2899 Good for you!!!! That takes courage!!! I’m sorry they were so selfish😢

[@manicpixiecoffeelovr]

my dad says the same thing 💀

[@AHHHHOK]

As a 37 year old dealing with a mother who completely disregards my boundaries, has zero respect for me, expects me to do everything for her, I'm telling you now, step away while you're younger xx

[@TheMaxx111]

You can still cut her out. I cut my controlling father out of my life at age 39. He would show up at my house unannounced and start lecturing me and screaming at me because my lawn or house were not up to his standards, etc. He made the split brutal but I put my foot down and if he attempted to step one foot on my property, I will call the police and press charges.

[@alysavaillancourt3184]

I just realized it at 32. I have been suicidal since for a decade. I finally got it and I am no longer suicidal!!!!!

[@WhisperedDelightsASMR]

It’s never too late. Yes, sometimes we may realize we may have wasted time, energy, emotions and the relationships we had with our parents have impacted other relationships but once we are able to see clearly, boundaries can still be vocalized and restated as needed (because they will push back sometimes).

[@vv9452]

@@TheMaxx111 Yep. I got my own zip code at 17. But emotionally I let them walk on me for decades. Get out. Get away. Live your own life around people who are not abusive.

[@whiterose9299]

“I’m telling you now”…? Sound like you really have had enough yourself.

[@veronicalouis4925]

Unfortunately, I made my children my life while in a miserable marriage. Now they’re grown and moved away, and I’m STILL trying to do it! OMG! NO MORE! I’m going to get my own friends and explore new things!

[@santaberbs]

Acknowledging stuff like that is not easy. Good for you, wish you the best! xx

[@Sabreemeplease]

So big of you to become aware of this. Good luck to you and yours❤

[@ZahSoZen]

My mother did the same thing and is refusing to change, so 1 by 1 she is losing all her kids I believe im the last one on the way out. You are amazing and demonstrating real love by making these changes ❤❤❤

[@watcherwriter]

I already knew that my mother calling me her "best friend" bothered me, but this clarified *why* I feel that way. Thank you! "Get your own friends!" Yes, please!!!

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome!

[@memeonly1]

Omgggg same here!

[@totalwomanja9105]

Me too! I am as enmeshed with my mother as her bestie! Now I have drifted away.

[@notyourfrind9415]

My mother (a narcissist) does not understand boundaries, so I just cut her off. I may have taken her abuse for almost 30 years, but the line in the sand has been drawn.

[@pamelalawhon3536]

Mine as well. She always needed to be the Fairy F**king Grandma to my kids, undermining me & my boundaries all the time. The most challenging kid ran to grandma all the time looking for validation, so guess who’s in prison now? It was his bad choices that put him there but I let my mother have it, bc she absolutely fostered his disregard of me. He needed me as his mother! He would not be in there right now, had he learned how to make good choices from me without her always trash-talking & undermining me.

[@machumak4915]

This is so important to do especially with enmeshed families. the further you try to set boundaries, the more they try to break through and I hate being mean by ignoring them but I find that for my own sanity sometimes I have to limit contact and just go silent to enforce those boundaries.

[@TOLupe-ty6jb]

I'm a 40 year old man who has let my controlling parents break my boundaries over and over and over again! I don't know what privacy is. I have let my parents talk me out of getting married to the woman of my dreams and regret it! I have never gone after my wants, needs, goals or dreams, I have had to push them aside for them! I let them belittle me in front of family and what little friends I have. I don't have confidence, no self esteem, no self worth, and no self love 😢 I need a lot of HELP!

[@raquelt5342]

You can build your self love! And your own life, go get your woman and live a new life! I know you can do it! 🙏

[@faithsrealtalk2292]

I hope you got the help

[@a_chaotic_spark]

Become financially independent and step out

[@ZahSoZen]

I went thought the same thing... You are going to be okay but you have to fight for YOUR life. It's not theirs.

[@lauracastro7988]

It’s never too late! I believe in you, you got this! 👏

[@lolabloo]

My mother left when I was very young and battled with addiction. Recently tried to build a relationship with her as an adult and she tried to pull the "I'm your mother card". I shut that down real quick.

[@lovecore1313]

I was never allowed to have “boundaries”. If I ever got upset about something, I was gaslit or rather my issues were blatantly ignored/negated. I’ve tried to make the best out of the relationship with my mom, but there have been many highs and lows. I’m at a point where I am getting married and starting a family with the right man, and I feel very in control of my life. I feel brought down by her behavior and lack of self-insight/reflection. Sometimes her approach to life feels inconsiderate or immoral to me, of that makes sense, and I feel uncomfortable in her presence. This video was affirming. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@boombabri]

I love my mom, but she's so worried I'm going to make mistakes. I just want her to know that it's okay if I make mistakes.

[@faithsrealtalk2292]

DITTO👍

[@raquelt5342]

Totally saving this video. My parents call me text me stop by constantly and it’s so exhausting. I’m moving just to get this out of my life because I’ve expressed for SO many years what my boundaries are and they don’t ever listen so I’m over asking I’m just going to move so it’s not an option for them any longer but thank you SO much for this video and that portion. They always make fun of me for it but I knew it felt bad to me for a reason.

[@myahoya9146]

I have moved an hour away for 12 years now yet they drop by weekly or more. I have expressed so many times my boundaries yet they don’t care. I wanted to move further but I know they would want to come stay weeks at a time instead of days like here. They always use my kids as an excuse but they are getting older now one in high school and are becoming busy as well with a social life and my parents still don’t respect it or understand. They have the nerve to say I don’t let them see them when there are actual people who don’t let them see grandkids. It’s builds up so much it has turned to anger every time.

[@brightphoebesays]

Hi Terri, I ordered your book. : ) Last night I dreamt my Mom and her husband let themselves into my place without knocking or asking, and I barely had a voice to protest it, screaming as I was, with barely a squeak coming out. There couldn't be a more representative dream about needing better boundaries!

[@rmcd823]

I am having to set boundaries now, in my 60s! Everything that we postpone to make life more pleasant has to be catch up later, because things don’t correct themselves just because…

[@vrutti3457]

So true!

[@TheHelenhunter]

Yeah, so good

[@lailasalli8743]

This episode resonated with me regarding my mother in law. Now, at 57, I am still witnessing her at 90 yrs old, controlling and manipulating my 63 year old husband. Your episodes have helped me on my awakening and I have been able to help hubby 'see the light of day' with how he has been treated. Thank you, Teri, you rock!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad this resonated for you! Thanks for sharing!

[@chubbyfluent]

Thank you so much. I’m 24 and really need to set boundaries with my mom

[@cleokarma7818]

This is such an incredibly important issue to be addressed. It is true that parents at any age find it very very difficult to both let go of their authority or allow their children to be adults. They also get very sensitive if you have plans of your own or a happy life and god forbid they don’t have a life of their own they can be over sensitive extremely entitled parasites who will make you feel terrible if you do not put them first always. They do not feel guilty intruding in your life and have no qualms making you feel terrible about not including them in everything and making them the first 2 nd and last priority even at the cost of screwing up your lives. Take a stand , draw the boundaries because they will not and they wont allow you to do anything that does not allow them to have their own way .

[@raquelt5342]

Yes…moms wanting to be friends is such a burden. An adult should have her own friends and identity without constantly being involved in their kids lives and nothing else.

[@jayviensam]

When I say I don't have im not gonna help with the bills this week they gotta understand that. I help with the bills all the time. They wanna get mad if I don't have it. But when I speak my truth about how I feel they both either think I have attitude when I get it from them lol. I'm still learning how to set boundaries with my parents.

[@Dippydocus]

This hits so hard. I've struggled with boundaries with my mum for many years through childhood and intro adulthood. She treats me like a sponge, victimises herself over extreme trauma I experienced and despite not protecting me as a child says it's "not her fault" then regularly plays the "I feel like you don't like me" card. It can be hell at times but nobody is telling her this behaviour is wrong except me and it feels like she just thinks she can't talk to me without me getting upset. She uses that one a lot too. "I just can't say anything to you without you getting upset" or when she guilts me and I ask her to stop guilting me. "I'm not guilting you I just..." Yes she gaslights all the time. I hold some real resentment towards her for the way she has treated me. It has gotten better the more I have stuck firm with my boundaries but I'm living with her at the moment with my husband. We are moving soon and I cannot wait to distance myself from her. I won't let her have any hold over me anymore. I am very firm with her when she does these things, I stand my ground and tell her it's wrong but it's an endless circle. Because she's a single parent it's always "you're all I have" and when I buy clothes as a 29 year old she is always 'Ohh I love that, I'm going to get that too" It is infuriating but I am just glad I know that I won't treat my own future children that way. It's good to be reminded that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you're experiencing this and am glad you're moving soon ❤️

[@user-eu2me4bp7j]

This didn’t answer the question “how” to set boundaries. it was just explaining boundary violations and why boundaries are important.

[@Sunnivah13]

Go watch like one season of the suppernanny jo. Please give it a try. Watch all the different problems she tackles from toddlers to older people. Try out their techniques, they are valuable lessons to get along in every kind of relationships

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

OMG! My mother is still friends with my childhood friends, people who I'm not even friends with anymore and she tells me how it's such a shame that I'm not friends with them now and I should reconnect. We have nothing in common, I don't want to be friends with them, I have awesome friends (who know what my mother is like and support me in dealing with her!).

[@septimaserpent]

I Get The Feeling. It's Always The Friends That Couldn't See Through The Facade, Thought You Were Ungrateful Etc. Bc "But That's Your Mom" "She's Just Doing That Bc She Loves You" Blah Blah Blah & Thinks Your Mom Is Just A Sweet Lady Etc. Etc. & Ofc She's Gonna Want Flying Monkeys/Enablers To Justify Her Behavior To You! Lol

[@sharpfamily4938]

Yes! I've had this happen. She once sent me a picture of them all in a selfie 😖

[@LeighKan]

This speaks out so much for me. My husband does not understand boundaries, his mother never accepts no, highly critical of how much oxygen I breathe. After my marriage broke down, I had to stop access to my home from his family of origin and basically cut all ties. After going through cancer, my home is still closed for any visitor. These dynamics can destroy you as a whole, your family - your own children etc. I see same boundary issues with my husband towards our adult daughters. Thank you for such an informative video.

[@JadaRansom-f3q]

Wow. This was SO refreshing to hear, "energizing" in a sense. I love my mom to pieces, but know that she has really struggled to let go. I have been married a couple of years now, and still feel as if she expects this "closeness" and doesn't understand why I prioritize my husband and household before her needs (especially when health-related or if she's lonely). I know she misses me often, but I'm feeling tired of having to bend to her whims and face the "silent treatment" or side family interventions when things don't go her way. It's really hurtful. Thank you for all you do and your encouraging, informative words!

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕 Thank you for sharing. It's completely okay to have your own life and to be prioritizing your husband. You might like this video I did on family enmeshment as it speaks to the closeness bit more: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aZzcooJ5jZ6Xqdk

[@jenwah9567]

I really appreciate your perspective of motherhood is not about being friends with your children. I agree.

[@modusbee9092]

I like how you acknowledged how exhausting the process of setting boundaries can be. Does your book address what to do when parents ignore, shugged off or "forget" that you set the boundary after some time has passed. I'm starting small, but I feel like I have a millions boundaries to set and none of them stick.

[@TheSudouser]

Thankyou for making this video, you covered a lot of ground here and it isn't a topic often discussed. I really appreciate this

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful 💕

[@valeriebrousseau1053]

When you become a True responsible adult Who pay their own bills, suddenly my toxic parents told me " i have changed " Im almost 30 you cannot control me in MY house ! Some parents are really thinking that they Will always have authority over their adult childrens. Authority is not respect. Respect is earned not ordered.

[@miraenadominguez1496]

I recently got married about 9 months ago and moved out of my parents house for the first time. I feel that any time I disagree with my mom on something it always comes back to “ever since you got married you don’t act the same” or “you are very blunt now”. I recognize this but this is the only way that I am learning to set boundaries for my very new marriage! Growing up and even today, anytime I disagree with my mother about something I feel like she steps on my opinion and different way of handling things. Overall I don’t feel like she really gives me room to grow and change. Sometimes, I find myself getting very irritated because of the lack of boundaries my family has. My husband has expressed his irritation to me as well and it is for the same reasons. Any advice?

[@rebecca_stone]

Very grateful for your video. I'm in remission from borderline personality disorder (ie no longer meet diagnosis) - a very hard-won recovery and painful insight about my parents' role in how I became so unwell - and my responsibility now, in my 40s, to choose another path. Recovery from BPD is the holy grail - but what I wasn't prepared for about it is that you need to totally re-learn how to live life in an emotionally healthy way / as a "normal" person - at the heart of that (for me) understanding that having boundaries IS OK, after finally freeing myself of an inherent, deep shame for even existing. In my case, the issues are with my mum, and it's a huge surprise, as I'd thought it was only my dad who was the main issue. ... Realising that my mum - with whom I'd had a much closer and more positive relationship over the years - is / was also part of the problem has been very, very challenging and something I never expected. Your video has been an eye-opener - and because I haven't called out several of her inappropriate "violations" over the past couple of years since settling down with my partner, I've recently reached a sort of tipping point where I've been avoiding her altogether, as well as the stress of telling her why, as I normally would with a friend for example. Part of the reason for avoiding something so stressful is that my partner and I are trying to conceive, and I'm suddenly feeling this need almost out of nowhere to "protect my nest" - suddenly realising that I don't want to be around the triggering, negativity and guilt-tripping. It's like a light switch has come on. But my communication of this to her hasn't caught up yet. I'll look at your questionnaire - but how to approach this "boundary setting" talk when resentment has piled up over time? I don't want to tell her the bullet list of things she's done / does that are inappropriate - I do want to be compassionate, ultimately I want a healthy / boundaried relationship with her in the future. At the moment though, telling her feels very overwhelming.

[@blitzkrieg6872]

You shouldn't have to "set boundaries" with grown adults. If you feel like you have to it's because your parents do not respect you. This is not your fault. It's their mental illness (narcissism). I have two grown daughters and they have never needed to set "boundaries" with me and never will. I respect their autonomy and recognize them as separate individuals. They are not an extension of me. I respect their life choices and privacy. I never give unsolicited advice or negative opinions. I treat them how I would want to be treated. All of this I learned from my own mother who is still alive and the kindest, sweetest, most respectful woman in the world. Parents who you need to set boundaries with are control freaks. They feel entitled to run your life. Everything they do is on purpose. Don't ever let them fool you into thinking otherwise. They know exactly what they are doing and it is deliberate cruelty.

[@savannahwode4790]

you hit it on the head with the point that it's a burden for children when Moms try and be their kids' friend!!

[@tacocat510]

Had same expectations for Christmas as your story. My mom expected all three of us adult kids and our families to drive 8 hours, all sleep at their house (only 2 private rooms. One with queen and one with two twin beds). That was supposed to sleep 6 adults, two teenagers and a toddler. Finances were not an issue for our parents. When I simply asked if we could all have beds to actually sleep comfortably, even a blow up mattress instead of doing sleeping bags on hardwood floors or fighting over the one couch that was left, my mom basically scolded me up and down for being so needy. I'm freaking mid forties and my husband is early 50s with end stage renal failure. We just wanted to be able to sleep if we made the journey which was already challenging with his health needs. Instead of my siblings standing up to my mom as well, my sister kept saying that she and her husband were perfectly comfortable in the sleeping bags on the floor (that was a lie) and my brother just stayed quite, I was made to feel so terrible, I just told them that we would just not come then if better accomodations couldn't be figured out or even discussed. My husband myself and our two teens had the most incredible, relaxing Christmas ever. After that eye opening experience, we never spent another Christmas at my parents house. It's been 5 years, I still called the first few years to wish everyone well but my mom kept acting like they were having too much fun together and were too busy to even talk to us on the phone so the forth year I purposely didn't call to see if they would call us. Nope. The 5th year my brother was the only one who called us to wish us a merry Christmas. Basically, because I didn't cave to every wish my mom had, I was outed from the holidays.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you experienced that behavior from your family, although I am glad to hear you had a relaxing Christmas and chose to prioritize yourselves and your needs 💕 The holidays can be so difficult.

[@Roccworld_Trizzy12724]

The issue I have mostly have is my whole life I’ve felt obligated to do everything🤷🏾‍♂️ overall there is very little I’ll do out of the kindness of my heart I do it strictly because I feel like I have to or Ill never hear the end of it and at 28 I really don’t have time for it anymore

[@terri_cole]

I feel you ❤️ Try this video I did on high-functioning codependency, because this was my experience in my 20s, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/p5C0d6t3j7uKb6M

[@notquiteneutral2590]

I’m seeing many people in this comment section who are adults having to set boundaries now. My therapist says it is good that I am starting to take care of myself young, but I have no clue where to start. Every time I try to set boundaries it causes arguments. I feel very lost.

[@angeld271]

It’s ok, you are ahead of the game. Anything new is going to have a learning curve. It’s ok to feel lost, just keep doing the work and you will become a pro at recognizing your needs and speaking up for yourself. It feels bad to me to make the people I love upset but my needs matter too and so do yours. As long as we are being loving and respectful their anger at our boundaries is their issue to work through. And we have to learn to be ok with others being upset or uncomfortable. All we can do is own our stuff. Big hugs to you 🫂🫂🫂

[@ColombianThunder]

The boundaries will naturally cause arguments because they don't want you to have boundaries. I know it's incredibly difficult and stressful, but you must stand your ground.

[@Healingfromtheroot]

This is perfect timing thank you. I am struggling with enmeshed and controlling parents who are engulfing my life and my NO means nothing. I can tell I’m going to explode on them soon since they haven’t respected my firm no’s.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you're having this experience ❤️ Have you tried setting consequences for when they cross your boundaries? Sometimes that can help (if they're not boundary destroyers). I have a video about it here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKPJmmVqiKZ8hck

[@KJKali]

Haha, the Christmas story rang some bells. My Mum still made Christmas stockings for my brother and I into our 30’s! My Dad said Christmas was all about making mum happy. For years my brother ate 2 massive turkey dinners one after the other to keep our mum and his mum-in-law, who was also controlling, happy.

[@terri_cole]

WOW that's a lot of turkey. It's so difficult to set boundaries with parents, especially around the holidays. Thank you for sharing!

[@aycaerakbas980]

After my long split from my mom , comments of my sister in law ( mom is jealous of me ) opened my eyes & was very hurtful !

[@madrearendse2654]

It has always been a problem when I try to individuate, I'm 24 now and I am the only child so I relate to this so much!!! I am struggling so so much and it's exhausting

[@terri_cole]

Have you tried talking to her honestly? (From your comments it's not clear if she is emotionally safe.) Saying something like, “I feel like I have to choose between you and my BF and it makes me feel guilty.” I hope it gets better. ❤️

[@sarahchristine910]

You just spoke to my situation. Thank you for helping me stand firm in my boundary setting.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@xhen12]

I agree with everything else but idk how I feel about the mom trying to appear dowdy so the daughters can feel better. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a mother being trendy or fashionable and looking good and taking care of herself. As long as there are boundaries and she’s not intentionally competing with the daughters she shouldn’t have to tone down who she is. I think as women and people we are individuals first- with our own needs and wants and parents second, so I don’t agree that a mother who has daughters has to walk around eggshells.

[@Dee-kt7yo]

I just found you. I'm so happy I'm crying. I felt so hopeless and grappling with how to handle my mother. Thank you for such wonderful videos. I will be buying your book.

[@christelnielandt5117]

Brilliant ! Watching this video comes again at the right time in my life. I do not wanna blame my mum but you are so much right. My mum does treat my bro and myself as her small children and she wants us to be around on a regular basis so she feels less lonely ? I do realize life is / gets not easy as our parents age, both for ourselves as our parents. Esp when one parents passes away and the other is left alone 🙏💛

[@terri_cole]

So glad it helped ❤️ You have the right to live your own life and be there for your mom when you can be. Is your mom open to making new friendships? You can also tell her what you shared here- "Hey, I know things have been difficult since dad passed away. I've noticed you've been reaching out to me more often for company. While I love you and want to support you, I also need time for myself. What if we make a standing date to see each other every [insert date/time]? How do you feel about that?" and see what she says. Feel free to modify however you need to!

[@CheerfulMonstrosity]

Hi Terri, first of all, I appreciate so many of these videos you put out! They're so helpful in understanding these negative things that most people seem to think are just normal, that this is how things are, and that we're just supposed to deal with it. Watching your videos, I've learned that I don't need to just sit back and continue allowing myself to suffer. I've learned to be more introspective and realize what shaped me or what affected me in my childhood that made me into the person I am today, then also figure out how to change that to be the person I truly want to be. To finally be true to myself! Thank you so much for everything! I also want to comment on the part about parents being friends with their kids. Don't me wrong, everything that you touched on does sound really messed up, and I do know some parents who are so obsessed with being their child's best friend that it's super creepy! But, overall I believe it really just depends on the people, and on the dynamics of their relationship. I would most definitely consider my dad to be one of my best friends. He doesn't try to be invasive, he doesn't pressure me to do things I don't want to do, nor does he go behind my back in any way. He's been a shoulder I could cry on, a person who I can feel comfortable being myself around, as well as a good role model. He's not perfect, mind you. He makes mistakes, but I respect that he owns them, rather than hides his flaws. Ever since I was little, I could always tell that he respected me, and as a child, respect was an EXTREMELY hard thing to come by. I would always have people pressuring me to do things that made me uncomfortable, or judging my every move, and I appreciate that he was one of the few who never did. As an adult, I have changed, and I've shared those changes with him. He is still clearly my father, as can been by how shocked he was, and how red in the face he got, to hear me unashamedly cuss while he was within earshot, but he accepts me for who I am, for how I TRULY am. I don't need to hide myself around him, and for that reason, I consider him a really good friend. Unfortunately I can't say the same about my mom. As much as I would like to have a positive relationship with her, she is simply everything that my dad is not. It's like whenever I try to get to know her better, she widens the gap between us. She refuses to move past this hierarchal mindset where she's the parent, I'm the child, and I need to do as she says. End of discussion. Even as an adult, I can't ever speak to her comfortably because the conversation always ends up turning into her lecturing me. Perhaps it's less about friendship and more about love, but the line between the two is so blurred. You can love a friend without them being family, or having some romantic relationship with them, just as you can love family without considering them your friends. I think love is more about having space for someone in your heart and caring about their well-being, while friendship is the ability to connect with a person, to be comfortable with them and share your true self with them. I do believe my mom loves me though, in her own weird way. We just don't get along well, and we might never be friends. P.S. Oh goodness, I wrote a freakin' essay there! lol I'm sorry for this being so long, thank you for reading to the end! I'm terrible at keeping things short.

[@jspaingreene6350]

The discussion about large family events vs. your own events for holidays is a more nuanced issue than just a narcissist issue. As someone who has a narcissistic family on one side vs. healthy family on the other - there is a difference between the control issue on one side vs. we all love to get together. Visiting my in-laws and staying at my husband's childhood home was nice. They were healthy. Seems like the emphasis should be on healthy vs. sleeping in a childhood room. If the spouse was judging staying in their husband's childhood room vs. the mother in law judging her...Idk

[@Essence_Divine]

Thank you for this video. I’m learning a lot. I want to be the mother God wants and needs me to be.

[@brightphoebesays]

This is the perfect advice for me. I have always shared too much with my mom, and this has invited her in to be overly influencing, even if she didn't intend it, yet she enjoyed it. My boundaries have been weak, and she has been controlling, and possessive. We even thought we were friends, and I leaned on her way too much, causing other issues in her life and making it hard for her to cope. But I love her, so a question is, how can I help her?

[@brightphoebesays]

To answer my own question, in the book Terri says other people's mental health is definitely their side of the street, in other words, not your responsibility.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Geez, no it’s not her responsibility but she wants to help her, you telling her to walk away from her mother and let her mother have no support? Awful!!!

[@brightphoebesays]

@@Sally-ih6ls thank you, but I think part of helping loved ones is letting them know where your boundaries are. I am doing so now. It can be hard to tell loved ones when they do something that hurts you or is a personal violation, but it is necessary and a matter of respect. I do stay in touch with my mom, and it is a fine line between telling her what's not okay, and being kind, especially to the elderly who don't really understand reason anymore and are overly emotional. My Mother Does have other support, she has friends a husband and a church. She puts too much pressure on me to make her happy. My main job is to make my own life as good as it can be.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

@@brightphoebesays yes, they can’t expect their children to make them happy, especially by putting pressure on you, I agree. Yes boundaries are necessary but I sometimes thing people use boundaries as a way of making rules, which becomes control, I feel there’s a line between boundaries and rules….boundaries are self protection, rules are control…I’m in a situation where the person sets rules and calls them boundaries, it can be confusing for all of us, victims or others, then changes them to suit themselves

[@foreverbarbie9490]

So some background for me at 18 my parents set the bar of me paying $200 a month to "cover my share". I have had a struggle multiple times with wanting to feel like an adult. I don't cook , but i clean wash dishes and do my own laundry, and i have had multiple jobs since graduating. I'm now 28 about to be 29 and I'm not 100% happy. My number 1 reason for staying was because of my little sister who was sick since she was 2yr. She passed away 2 years ago and that was a major part of me sticking around. I was to be her future care taker and now that she is gone i should be ready to go right? During the 11 years of being "adult" my parents would always remind me that i couldn't make it i never made enough, how dangerous it is/ stressful, also its a culture thing on my mom's side most of the adult kids are still living at home way past 30. I recently got a new job and decided to make a decision that didn't go well with my parents. They told me i need to just "keep working even if i don't feel well because what if i had bills to pay and they weren't here". This sparked in me "they are right what if they weren't here id be so screwed" So i decided i might get a second job and ask for an increase in my share of rent. The amount of $200 is not realistic at all. I'd like to prove to myself and them i can be financially stable and provide for myself. Of course saying that it felt like they were disciplining me didn't go over well and my dad said i went to far with my reaction. He only wanted me to understand hard work through pain. I don't know how to be an adult, i can even feel it when I'm going out people think I'm a teen . I know part of my struggle is because i look young but i think its also how I'm always around them always home. I don't know what I'm doing wrong because every time i say i want to move out/ want to be treated like an adult . It ends up in a heated fight. My dad is not talking to me. If anyone sees this please give some advice.

[@janny.p]

You have to prove that you are capable of paying your bills, but not to them, To Yourself! Only then you will have the self confidence that you can make it no matter if they are by your side or not. And I would advice you that if you pay rent to them and they want to control you, then why not going away and live alone and pay a real rent? That's a complete freedom. When you put your life in your own hands it gets so much more independent, that your self esteem goes up!

[@Lexi_Con]

I love the way you phrased that about the dysfunctional (self-centered parents) - "Fostering fear." 🎯💯 I can relate. Also agree about the helicopter parenting & "buddy" parenting styles... Noticed that when I started teaching. It's not fair to the children, bc they don't learn appropriate social skills like respect for adults, esp authority figures. You can encourage self-directed thinking & independence (age-appropriate) but ultimately kids don't make the rules, parents/guardians do. Let them build healthy self-confidence, not entitlement. ~my 2¢

[@terri_cole]

Right on!

[@LetishaMalakootiTV]

Hey girl, this was really good advice, especially in regards to one step at a time rather than leasing out and telling them that you don’t want Contact whatsoever.

[@terri_cole]

So glad you found it helpful 💕

[@RoseMon3yy]

2:03 very true 😢

[@WhisperedDelightsASMR]

This is an awesome video. You approach this with such sensitivity and understanding of not only the perspective of the (adult) child but also the parents as well. In relationships that are not truly abusive or dreadfully toxic that we can’t simply discard, people need to have the tools to assert our autonomy, boundaries and self-respect; honoring ourselves while, in turn, asking that our families do so.

[@GHO5tMod3]

For me if I tried to set healthy boundaries peacefully it was met with homelessness and financial abuse (especially) when I was struggling to find a job that paid decent to meet the 3x the rent requirement so unfortunately I had to stay at home temporarily while working a lesser pay job it was rough

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you had to navigate that 💕

[@theguynextdoor4978]

When I tell my mother that i won't come over for the weekend, I need my own space and to take care of my own needs. Then she makes sure something goes wrong so I have to come over, if I refuse she drives over to my place and picks me up. She then starts guilt tripping me, says she understands I need space, but keeps making sure I cancel all of my plans. She then starts using my grandmother as a weapon. I am boiling with anger, because I can never relax or do something without her sticking her nose into my business. Any advice on what I can do? I express my concerns, been honest.. yet she keeps doing the same thing.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like there is a lack of a consequence if your mom comes to pick you up. Is it possible to repeat your boundary of needing space, while also saying, "...and if something goes wrong and you come to pick me up, I will not answer the door. Please do not come by. I have faith you will figure it out."? (Does she have any neighbors she can rely on?) I go into consequences in this video (kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKPJmmVqiKZ8hck), but I had a client whose parents came over unannounced multiple times, even after she told them not to. She eventually changed the lock on the door. It was very difficult for her, of course, but this began a path of healing for all of them. Hoping you can find a solution and reclaim your weekends ❤️

[@Bobobaggins93747]

My father passed away a year ago and now my mother is 'alone'. I feel bad wanting to keep my boundaries bc she's suffering and I empathize greatly, but we truly do not get along well, and require space between us. Now she wants to come visit every 3 weeks and stay for a week !!! I have no idea how to verbalize my not wanting this without her getting insulted...

[@terri_cole]

I see you. ❤️ What about this? “I’m so happy to have you visit x often [include how often you’re comfortable with her visiting], and I think in order to protect our relationship, it’s best if we limit it to that amount of time. I love you and I really value having a relationship with you that feels good for both of us.”

[@bluecannibaleyes]

Geez, if that person’s best example of her in-laws controlling them was expecting them to come over for Christmas, then I don’t think she was really being ‘controlled’ at all. I wish my parents were that mild. I wish I only had to deal with holidays with them instead of having to deal with them doing things like hiring random people to do constant random construction on my house without asking or taking no for an answer.

[@crystalfolse3208]

Thanks Yes you are right. My Mom thinking we are best friends is a burden.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing, Crystal ❤️

[@rakastellar8955]

My mother has a diagnosed mental illness, so I am not allowed to send boundaries. I've received so much backlash from family and friends of hers and I "have to understand, because she's mentally ill". So that means she can say and do what she wants and people have zero empathy with me. I no longer talk to her because the damage she does and is allowed to get away with is too much.

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad you've taken steps to protect yourself ❤️

[@ShamaeLaVlog]

It’s bad that everything you said in this video describes my mother. I hate that we can’t just have a normal relationship. It’s all starting to put stress on my husband and I, because when I try to make boundaries she start badgering my husband. Then when that doesn’t work she’ll make up stories and manipulate the rest of the family so she’s the victim and I’m a horrible person. And throughout this I feel like a shitty person. 😔

[@terri_cole]

You are not alone! You can continue to set boundaries and work through this and I'm holding space for you while you navigate this incredibly difficult situation ❤️

[@sushi603]

Yes going through the same thing....everything is one way with my mom...if i dont give her what she wants she throws out the victim card and brings out flying monkeys...continuing to hold my sanity and no contact with her...

[@christinerobertson9596]

Thank you so much. Can't get enough of this advice when you've had an abusive mother with no boundaries. My husband who is in recovery for an addiction is just reluctantly setting a slight boundary with his matriarch mom. She was pissy when he said "not so many texts , please I'm working on some personal issues." She said "I won't keep bugging you then." Isn't that a bit defensive? I need to work on this with my daughter given the parenting I received.

[@mrinalinishingal1621]

Thanks for sharing! Story of my life!

[@terri_cole]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@Mukhozhuk-asmr]

The picture is amazing and the information is helpful thank you!

[@samanthamansi1184]

Yes I do have problems especially my mother

[@Manohikari]

Thank you Terrie! I appreciate your advice very much.

[@terri_cole]

Glad it was helpful!

[@julienewkirk2194]

My dad wanted to take my son for the weekend and asked a couple of days before. I told him that I just got done taking 2 college classes and I haven’t had a chance to do anything with the family. Basically I said that it wasn’t a good weekend. He didn’t like that answer and kept calling me, and saying well if he couldn’t pick my son up that night, then he would tomorrow. I kept telling him no. I don’t know what else to do?! I told him that I just got done with 2 college classes and that I wanted to spend time with the family. Is that wrong?

[@mayshetah3617]

No, you are absolutely right don't feel guilty.. your dad acts like a child that didn't get what he wanted. Don't give up on your comfort to please him.

[@VeganTrove]

Well said 🥰

[@toothybj]

I’m the oldest of my Mom’s 2 sons and my father died 9 years ago & ever since, it seems like my Mom has been trying to use me as an emotional crutch to fight her depression & loneliness. I’m 47, married w/ 2 kids in school & we live about an hour and a half away from her. Despite that, she texts all the time and is always trying to get us to go visit her. She’s very self-centered and narcissistic and has caused marital problems between my wife & I in the past. I’m struggling with establishing boundaries because she doesn’t respect that kind of thing & if I tried to do so, she would play the victim card (woe is me, nobody likes me, etc). This is very tiring…

[@terri_cole]

That does sound tiring- I'm sorry to hear you're struggling and that your family has been affected by your mother's behavior in this way. ❤️ I would gently suggest exploring what would happen if you let your mother play the victim card and stuck to your side of the street with your boundaries. You can't control her feelings or reactions, but you can control what you tolerate. (Of course, if you are concerned for her mental wellbeing and think she would be at risk of harming herself, then that's a different story.) ❤️

[@VannessaMizrahiCarroll]

Very helpful video💖. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Glad it was helpful!

[@nohemigravina4923]

I'm 61 and my mother wants to set my bed time, she doesn't respect my personal space. It's very difficult to set boundaries.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@aliciaa9470]

What are some topics parents and children in healthy dynamics talk about? I feel like most of the topics my parents and I talk about are boundaries-crossing topics.

[@terri_cole]

The weather, updates on what other family members are doing (not gossip but actual info like, Johnny started his senior year of high school etc), things you are watching, movies you’ve seen, new recipes you are making, upcoming or past events (like travel or celebrations) to name a few ;)

[@simarsingh2620]

Narcissistic mother daughter relationship solution plz thank u so much

[@ret4128]

Thank you 💖

[@Noone_7705]

What if you have the opposite type of boundary limit where you have a mother who almost does not want to be part of your life- in terms of spending time with their grandchildren, unless we bring the children to visit them, helping by offering to babysit once in a while or coming over etc. I have a mother who seems to have set boundaries to the point that I almost have to chase her down. Doesn’t want to be part of my life except to give unwanted advice. She only calls when she needs something and hasn’t been to my house except 1 in past year for a couple hours, even though they live 20mins away. They’re still young and in good health. I say they- my father just goes along with whatever.

[@terri_cole]

Have you had a conversation with your mother about this and shared how you feel? Have you asked her why she's making these choices? You mentioned she gives you "unwanted advice"- how do those conversations usually go? Just a few things to think about ❤️

[@caleuxx9108]

Hi. What to do when mother-in-law, who is a widow since age 45 (she is now 71), she recently broke up with boyfriend of 12 years, because he was a narcissist, who used her (financially mostly).... After the brake up she began criticizing me (her daughter-in-law) for the smallest things .... we had a nice relationship before that...... Now everything I do and other women do is wrong. She is highly critical of her friends daughter, even critical of her own niece, whose husband just left her - he left her, but my mother in law is criticizing her own niece (who is by the way great, nice, active, intelligent, modern).... My husband is a nice man, but in many ways passive, overall very content with life; he is not the type to set boundries with anyone. What do I do? Once about a couple years back she said something is the way of "daughters are supposed to work hard and sons are to be pampered".... WTF ? The result is that her son is a mostly passive nice man, who goes to work, does not drink much, has friends but no really close friend, but was lonely for many years before he met me, he does not drive a car although he has a license and he seems to have some kind of anxiety problem (hence not driving). Why did I choose such a husband - probably cause Im from a psycho toxic family. Husband's sister (my sister in law) is a very narrow-minded often angry woman, who often lashes out angrily at the slightest percieved imperfection from someone else (sort of like having mild narcissistic traits).... My basic impulse is to stop seeing them, which is not a solution. Tried a small boundry and that was met with a huge wave of indignation and resentment. I am at a loss as how to manage this, what to do....

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear you're dealing with this. ❤️ If cutting contact is not a solution, then I would try lessening contact as much as possible, and becoming as uninteresting as you possibly can when interacting with your MIL. Stick to facts and not feelings. Unfortunately, your partner being unwilling to set boundaries with her makes the situation much more difficult. This is something he is ideally helping you manage. Have you tried having a discussion with him about how this is impacting you? Do you know how he feels about his mother acting this way? I know you said he is content and not the type to set boundaries, but it is worth bringing up when it is causing so much distress.

[@caleuxx9108]

@@terri_cole - Terri, thank you. I think he has a block for discussing it in any manor at all... - maybe one day,.... maybe he is scared that if he lost me, she is there. I tried discussing it several times, he knows how I feel - but he doesnt say anything. We have been together for 12 years, yet he never said anything about any of her imperfections -- well socialized by culture to respect parent! My loving husband is a coward to stand up to his mother and sister. Today I came across a video about the Oedipal complex especially in men.... it seems to fit. .... She did not teach him how to be competent and self reliant, so he is not.... Oh my, such a shock over the holidays.... To put all the signs together... wow.

[@animalsarehappiness9208]

Any advice with a toxic mother who controls everything in my life , literally EVERYTHING that comes to your mind , she describes me in front of people as a person opposite me , she describes me a talentless, useless , regularly compares to me to others .. And this is affecting me, as a girl who had strong character and high confidence , i started to lose my confidence and don’t feel like before Any advices ?

[@terri_cole]

I would say limit the amount of time that you spend with your mother. Don't let her steal your sparkle and shine. Build a life away from that environment because you deserve to thrive in this life, and if you have someone undermining you consistently, it makes it difficult. You got this! ❤️

[@guitarsz]

oooh, this is really good Terri. It actually made me think about an inverse topic, which is...could it be possible that a narcissistic mother, the overbearing indifferent kind can perhaps contribute to the emotional stunting (well know that I'm asking, I already know the answer-of course!) of their child. I wrote earlier that I'm in my late 40s and yet, women my age I feel completely different from, I feel so much more, immature in ways...they are married with children, and I am not, so there is that, but it's also that because they have developed in that way, it may have also allowed them to move past and heal the mother wound BECAUSE they are now in a family unit of their own and they have consciously chose to open to their own lives and create a healthy family unit. It's not that I DON"T want that (it is too late for kids at this point) but I guess the teacher appears when the student is ready, and same for a partner/husband. thanks for listening!

[@ruckerbrady8342]

Awesome video in which I relate too so much. It gives several examples of broken boundaries. What it doesn't do is teach HOW to set boundaries, it only talks of examples. Otherwise great

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your feedback. If your parent is a repeat boundary offender, this video has ideas on how to set consequences for them (along with scripts): kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKPJmmVqiKZ8hck And this video has tips on how to state your boundary: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jITcYqywq6Z5Ztk I also have a bunch of scripts in my book, Boundary Boss, which is available in many libraries as I wanted to make it as accessible as possible. I hope that helps 💕

[@sunshine-db2zm]

My mom wanted to go to the pub with me and my friends...how weird is that...she wouldn't take a 'no' so i had to give up on going to the pub that day and stayed back home.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with compassion, sunshine ❤

[@darthfiende1]

I went no contact with my mother three years ago, but she seems to be stuck in the mentality that a cutoff is not a cutoff if she doesn't consent. I moved and changed my name to avoid getting mail from her since I can't block than, and she somehow got that information and had recommended mail outreach. This after years of stalking and abusing every piece of personal information she had access to. When I revoke something, she goes sleuth mode and finds a new way to sneak back into my awareness. No matter how many times I've explained that it makes me feel invaded and unloved, she's committed to feeling like the mother she wished she had. It has nothing to do with me and I'm having nothing to do with it. At this point, any form of contact would reinforce her unacceptable behavior and be totally self betraying.

[@terri_cole]

I'm holding space for you with so much compassion, Faith, as you continue to reinforce those difficult boundaries in order to keep yourself protected ❤️

[@ajbellman]

Thank you :)

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@foreverbarbie9490]

I have to agree with some of what you said here. At 23 i had a friend i went to bible study with and my mom made every effort too know this friend made her food and want too know everything we did together. It felt like she was going way past just knowing my friend by name. I eventually ended that friendship because of other reasons. But i realized i didn't like hanging out with her because she was talking with this friend.

[@izainlove1]

great content :)

[@terri_cole]

Glad you think so!

[@dr.sampadakhair6204]

Ok so basically we gotta read a book.

[@cirelo1896]

Why so many controlling parents these days?

[@terri_cole]

The world is a scary place, parenting styles have changed, too much visibility with social media, the level of self absorption has risen with the rise of social media so parents want to stay in the center of their kids' world instead of preparing them for their own experiences. Just a few thoughts- obviously I do not conclusively know the answer.

[@charlie-yp2oq]

The fact that we have to look this up 🤡

[@honestlygio7830]

Thumbs down--gave examples of real life toxic situations but never gave steps to set boundaries like the title implies. The creator just stated you have to sr boundaries. I think a more suitable topic would be types of toxic parenting.

[@ingenuity168]

👍🏻❤

[@terri_cole]

[@susanwilliams1575]

Go to church! The church of our Lord and Savior.

[@Lxc1990]

Lmao what’s ur inventory I , what are the boundaries .