How to Set Healthy Sexual Boundaries | Types of Boundaries Part 4

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Sexual boundaries are your right to have - even in a consensual sexual relationship. You get to decide what you are and are not comfortable with sexually, what feels good and what doesn't, what you're want and what you don't want, and you get to communicate all of those things anytime. You can also decide you are not comfortable with a sexual act at one point, and then decide later on that you are. You can also say you are okay with a sexual act, and then decide after that you are not. As you can see, boundaries in consensual sexual relationships are important to have. Also, and perhaps more obviously, they are important to have in non-sexual relationships. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable with their gaze, their words, their gestures or their actions, and it is your right to set those boundaries with them and communicate clearly where your boundaries are - even you speaking up makes them uncomfortable. In this talk, I'm going to teach you how.
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ABOUT JULIA KRISTINA, MA Psych. 👩‍🎓
Julia Kristina is a speaker, teacher, master therapist and mental wealth coach who helps smart, highly sensitive humans get past anxiety, stress, and self-doubt so they can have better: Better relationships, a better life and feel better about themselves.
Through her membership program, The Shift Society, she helps people identify their deep rooted thoughts and beliefs that are keeping them stuck and struggling, and then teaches them how to take charge of their minds and emotions so they can thrive in all areas of their lives.
Julia’s expertise has been featured in Inc magazine, Psych Central, Mind Body Green and numerous other publications, podcasts and television outlets. She has also given talks in front of audiences of hundreds on stages across North America. Videos on her KZbin channel have been watched more than 15 million times and she has built a community of over 375,000 people across social media platforms. When she’s not helping her clients and students increase their emotional intelligence and mental strength, she’s out on some kind of adventure with her three children in Vancouver, Canada.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hey! Thanks for being here. What was one of your takeaways from this talk o Sexual Boundaries? ~Julia

[@elaineanderson2989]

Being aware of how I articulate what I want or need in my relationships. I believe approaching a subject without emotions taking over is what I have conquered but is still a work in progress sometimes.

[@mipu6279]

I think it should be said that setting boundaries with men or telling them that they have crossed a boundary can lead to violence against women. Having a boundary violated or not setting a boundary out of legitimate fear of repurcussions does not make you at fault, nor imply that you deserved it, nor does it mean that you should have done something differently. Just my two cents that i think others could benefit from seeing ❤

[@rongike]

yeah I think this video isn't about "well if you didn't set a boundary you're wrong" but rather to give people the assurance to know what isn't okay and what they're allowed to feel bad about. even if they're unable to set these boundaries in every situation, to not think that in an ideal world this behavior would be acceptable and they shouldn't feel whatever they're feeling in response.

[@mipu6279]

@@rongike absolutely agree! Just wanted to put it out there in case people needed to see that affirmation

[@JaysonT1]

Sounds like your boundaries are better spent on the type of men you are involved with.

[@elaineanderson2989]

If a woman is concerned about whether a man could be violent she really shouldnt be around him. If you dont know them well enough then always date with other people or in public places. Stay safe people ❤

[@bek___]

I absolutely love this! I think we need to be having more conversations around sexual boundaries. Thank you for this video!

[@juliakristinamah]

glad we're on the same page with this one.

[@chrisdigitalartist]

Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chirs here! Thank you for this very important topic. *Weird. When I first wrote down my notes, the video and audio were out of sync, and now, as I come back to let you know about it - now, it isn't out of sync...so...never mind now lol * Here are my notes: How to Set Healthy Sexual Boundaries/Types of Boundaries Part 4 WHY ARE SEXUAL BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT? *Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, enjoyable, bonding and intimate and closeness. *Without boundaries it can go from all of those things into something that is uncomfortable, hurtful, dangerous, and vulnerable (not in a good way). *Sexual boundaries can help with feeling safe and trustworthy. WHAT DO HEALTHY SEXUAL BOUNDARIES INCLUDE: *Consent - consent needs to be between two people and that include whether to have sex or what type of sex and location. Boundaries need to be respected. *Discussion -Before engaging, talk about what you like, what you don't like, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. *Request a condom - Both people can request it or only one, if one doesn't respect the other, the other doesn't have to engage. *Contraceptives - What are your beliefs around that, your preferences around that, and what are your agreements around that. *You are allowed to change your mind too about any of this. *Both people agree what they want others to know or not know about their sexual relationship. MORE SEXUAL BOUNDARIES: *Being able to say, "Would you like to have sex now? " or "Shall we have sex now?" or "Do you want to take this into the bedroom." All forms of consent. *Being able to say, "I want to take this further. Is that okay with you." "Is okay if I do this to you. Are you comfortable? Are you okay? " *You can speak up - "I don't like that." "That doesn't feel good." "Can you please stop that." or "Can you please do this instead." *You can also state that you don't want to have sex at that particular time. You set up times or safe words. *One person always initiating and the other always turning down can be hard the relationship and resentment can build. Share when there are good times and when there are not good times, *when you are in the mood, not in the mood. Suggest cuddles instead or make dinner or do a workout together. SEXUAL BOUNDARIES IN PLUTONIC RELATIONSHIPS: (Friends, co-workers, family members) *When you don't say anything when someone is engaging with you that is very uncomfortable with you, you are putting their desires to engage with you this way, over your need and you have the right to feel safe. *It’s okay if they are offended and it is okay if they don't like it. Some might not mean to offend; they might just have different ideas about what is okay and not okay. *You can also speak up when someone makes a comment, looks at you, or touches you - "Please don't say that. That makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it when you say that…etc.." "Please don't say that. That makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it when you say that…etc.." or "I don't feel comfortable when you look at me that way or when you scan me up and down. *Would you please stop doing that." "I don't like it when you touch me that way or touch by you or co-workers…or don't like being touch - period. " *If someone is making advances on you, make it clear. SEXUAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS: *Guilting, manipulating, having an angry outburst when someone doesn't want to have sex. *Pushing someone (coerce or force or convince them) to do something within sex they don't want to do. *Unwanted sexual comments (especially after you have said, you are not okay with it) *Anytime anyone says or does something after being clear you not comfortable, that is a clear violation. *Lying about contraceptive use, lying about your sexual health or withholding information. Even if a person doesn't ask "Tell me about your sexual health…tell me about any STDs you may have now or in the past." It is your responsibility to offer that information. *If you did have something before but cleared up and in no way impact the other person, you may not always have to share, but you DO have to share if it does impact another person. Their responsibility to share that up front and be clear about it before anything happens. *Criticizing or ridiculing someone for their sexual preferences. *Unwanted looks, comments, touches, assault or rape - Very clear sexual boundary violations!

[@sylviealexandris6696]

Can you do an episode on boundaries and sex within a marriage/ long term relationship? You mentioned giving the silent treatment when declining sex. My ex did this to me when I would decline sex, he would pout, accuse me of not loving him, try again and again or he would get mad and storm out of the room. I was often left confused, feeling bad or guilty etc.

[@lesliengo8347]

I am sorry about your experience with your partner. It looks like this person cares more about what he wants than what you want. It doesn't seem like a good partner to be with.

[@Nina-ur3ld]

This ❤

[@Nina-ur3ld]

This ❤

[@ray60723]

Such an important video. Thank you, Julia. Realising how deep it goes for me, putting, for some reason, the desire of a man above my sense of safety and me feeling comfortable in the situation

[@kheleecebrown1799]

Wow good topic l recently had to step away from a possible job due a vibe l was getting from my supposed supervisor. Who kept invading my space and unwanted touching on the shoulder each time he spoke to me.When l stood my ground he was no longer willing to help me during orientation. Anyways choose to look for another job.

[@lesliengo8347]

The supervisor should be fired. Who knows how many others this person has made contact with

[@MCLV1155]

This coworker stopped talking to me when I set a personal space boundary. He said "but I haven`t touched you" and now pretends Im a horrible person and I m the one who stopped talking. From repulsive he turned into sickening

[@thenebraskan6977]

A very good video Julia. Especially for people who are looking for an intimate relationship. Things can be a bit complicated these days. Thanks for all of your great work! Stay safe out there.

[@b_b_b5146]

Thank you. This video is very clarifying.

[@cattgirlie]

I think another aspect of this conversation is when you are married but separated for sometime and now trying to help my husband to get sober and then hopefully work it out. When he is in his addiction he is incredibly hurtful and very irresponsible and then he’s wanting me to be intimate when we haven’t worked on our relationship yet.

[@MCLV1155]

He has

[@nyx7829]

Wow amazing. All the words and phrases i never learned to say. Thank you for giving me a voice ❤

[@cherrycain6425]

Thank you so much for this. As an incest and date rape survivor. I really appreciate you speaking out on this issue. When these things happen to you starting in childhood it really makes it hard trusting anyone. It follows you around for the rest of your life. God bless you. ❤️🙏🏻✝️

[@elaineanderson2989]

Hi Cherry I agree with you. What has really helped me with managing my emotions and working through past trauma is cognitive processing therapy. Your nearest public hospital should be able to direct you to free counselling for any trauma you sustained when you were 16 or younger. It helped me ALOT ❤

[@Nina-ur3ld]

I would add that exposing intimate body parts (pics..) to other people without the consent of the patner

[@burningmarl5664]

I love your amazing videos! 😊😊😊😊

[@rickhanson3293]

I would say that the ones I am definitely guilty of (not in the extreme) are invariably giving sexual looks or making sexual comments whether they be purely intentional or as you stated ingrained over the years. Usually, they are meant in a flirtatious or joking manner or sometimes not necessarily sexual but to let people know that they are attractive or have sex appeal. Most of the time, though, I am rather on the quiet side anyway.

[@jaylaw.7660]

Great stuff, Julia! What a beautiful/ inclusive video..❤ Jw

[@smalltv459]

amazing topic!!! xoxox

[@juliakristinamah]

glad you found it helpful. And glad you're here.

[@lesliengo8347]

At first I thought this doesn't apply to me as I am not in an intimate relationship. However, I did learn things that I can apply in the future. It is also helpful to add that consent must not be forced. So no "umm... sure" or "okay, fine" it must be a clear "yes." Can you do a video on what to do if each boundary categories are being violated?

[@Nick-kf3io]

I only have one sexual boundary: don't even touch me ever 😂. I let it slide maybe once a year

[@rdglide02]

I figured this out 25 years ago. Don't date. Don't have sexual relationships. With the exception of business, avoid interacting with other humans. Easy peasy.

[@Nina-ur3ld]

What if someone violates those boundaries ?

[@tatumpiano8569]

You get up and leave right then and there. Why would you stay with someone who is basically raping you?