How To Speak Wife

[@gabeb5161]

A few weeks ago my wife says to me “we should really go clean the boat”…I fell for it and thought she was actually going to help me. After nearly 10 years of marriage, that was a big rookie mistake. 45 minutes in, and a gallon of sweat lost, she shows up with my Milwaukee 2 gallon shop vac and hands it to me. I knew better, but couldn’t keep my yap shut. I said “what happened to WE should clean the boat?” Her response….and I swear I am not making this up…”I can’t believe the way you talk to me sometimes.” And off she stormed.

[@THESILVERNARUTO]

Literally just lost my shit....

[@SamBrockmann]

You know the worst part? You allow her to treat you like sh*t.

[@gabeb5161]

@@SamBrockmann I ended up cleaning the boat by myself, let’s calm down.

[@vulcan6413]

It's moments like that that you have to remind yourself of all the reasons you love your wife. Hopefully it gives you strength. 😂 Thanks for sharing your funny story.

[@SamBrockmann]

@@vulcan6413 , if your wife treats you like that, does she love you?

[@HunterTN]

My wife had a dream that I cheated on her. She was mad at me in real life for two days.

[@ap70621]

OMG that happened to my friend. She had a dream that her boyfriend cheated on her and was blowing up my phone ranting about it.

[@Mr.Sir...3]

Been there. Apparently I should have more….. something ?…… when she woke up.

[@hanksims605]

I made my wife promise not to do this before we got married . . . . An ounce of prevention, right? And yes, I periodically remind her.

[@Abettorman]

Similar stories, but they don't have to be cheating. My wife dreamed that I didn't help her do... something, and I was in the doghouse for 2 days because her mind made up a story about me.

[@JustATotalNerd]

Promise her you'll make the dream a reality if she don't stop being so ridiculous

[@shorttripfromcradletocript]

52 years of marriage here. It's hilarious how we are on different wave lengths. The key is to not waste energy being frustrated or mad about something and see the humor and your own luck that someone is staying married to you despite knowing who you are.

[@baseballmomof8]

48 years here. Yep. Amazing… he hangs around 😂

[@Jesse1812USMC-km4vh]

My wife starts every conversation with "are you even listening to me?!?!?!!!!?"

[@Powerhungry5000]

@@carlwinslow3245that’s the joke

[@ember13dp]

That’s the joke my guy 😂

[@sarahsuetopka4748]

😂

[@Dakotabrewer166]

Huh??

[@kaufmanat1]

⁠you'll get there

[@brianchristen5849]

Happily married for 30 years, I know that cause she tells me I am.😂😂😂.

[@KhanGarth]

^ this guy husbands!

[@brianparkhurst1019]

22 years on for myself. Ok. Just say ok. Unless it's really something that needs to be fought over, and I mean serious shit, just say ok.

[@DillonDaVillain222]

That's pretty good lol I'm only one year in 😅

[@brianchristen5849]

@@DillonDaVillain222 just remember, it’s worth it, we have fought, lived, loved, learned, raised great children and are now just enjoying each other as friends as we near retirement.

[@saramarie516]

"Either someone's dead or you're about to be." 😂

[@ap70621]

Do whatever you want. DO NOT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

[@joes878]

Truth. "Do whatever you want" is basically just your wife testing how dumb you are.

[@JasonCovington-ur3wx]

Don’t forget about “What do you think about this…..” she doesn’t want your opinion, she wants you to agree with her decision.

[@NerdyCatCoffeeee]

unless she actually wants your opinion, in which case you "really do agree/like " the subject of the inquiry. If she doesn't believe you, then you "no really, I like/agree" with the subject even more. There are no correct moves you can make, you can avoid the wrong ones

[@lindabarrett5631]

When she says she's "fine," or "nothing's wrong," RUN! 😂

[@ramzcoldlampin5460]

Showed this to my wife and she laughed just as hard as I did. I’m almost fluent 😂

[@mirrorblue100]

When you wife says "We are going shopping." what she means is - she will be shopping while you sit in a chair and watch her try stuff on.

[@Extinguisher10]

She needed to bring her wallet didn't she?

[@morrigankasa570]

I'd be fine with that.

[@jaybird0312]

​@@Extinguisher10 HER wallet? HA!

[@kayesguineapigs]

I never go shopping with my husband too much torture for both of us

[@getoveryourself2212]

funny enough as a guy, I like shopping sometimes some cool stuff out there, but then she turns into the husband waiting in the chair..

[@sully85]

Holy crap, just saw you and Charlie in a target ad during the michigan/uw game. Congrats - hope you keep getting more work!!

[@jon27d]

Had a hilarious conversation with my two teenagers a few months back about what the word "fine" means to men vs women. Lesson for my son: "fine" Is red flashing lights danger zone. Tread carefully. Lesson for my daughter: Men think the word "fine" means that everything is ok so she better be ready to train them if she's going to use that word. 😂

[@domgazy592]

How about instead of teaching kids to interpret words used passive aggressively like fine, teach them to properly communicate How they feel and treat each other right so problems actually get solved, mistakes forgiven and made up for, and anger and resentment stops.

[@kayesguineapigs]

@@domgazy592ok what “unicorn and cotton candy world do you live in “? sure that would be ideal, but it’s not real!

[@Laezerface]

@@domgazy592you must not understand how women operate

[@snowballil3133]

​@@Laezerfaceim female and i dont know how they operate 😂

[@dan-777-abc]

False! False!! 100% agree on that food order after hearing “I’m not hungry”. Great laughs for us married guys

[@adamberkeley2127]

Miles out here doing the Lord’s work.

[@golfnz34me]

LOL, you can tell that Miles is a young guy. That angry silence sucks when you're young, but as you get older you just ignore it and enjoy the quiet.

[@SanDiegoDaD]

I’m on year 3 and I laughed at this 😂😂

[@MikeCheckBiloxi]

11+ years of marriage and I couldn't agree more

[@CleoHarperReturns]

Honestly sometimes we do it just for the silence.😁

[@ExtraMedium-]

Coming up on 20 years- they eventually figure out you like the silence. Once they do…no more silence.

[@calragnarok]

Hahahahah I thought exactly the same thing. I used to hate the "silent treatment" now I long for it 🤣

[@CaveFreediving]

She doesn't think she's hungry until she sees your food

[@pearlg6411]

This is so me, but I never say "don't order anything for me" (even if 'm stuffed!!) because I know that when I see & smell it I'll want it 😂🤣😂🍔🍟🥤

[@ElizabethHarrington-yp2tn]

This is actually true. He gets coffee every morning and I drink it. It's just so much tastier when it isn't mine.

[@mr.midlifecrisis8547]

"Do you think she's pretty?" *brain instantly goes into fight or flight

[@beckysimeone4882]

Proper answer: What girl? I didn't notice anyone.

[@mcdrunkis]

I found tying her looks to a personality flaw worked the best. The gf asks if you think someone else is hot - you can't lie and pretend the other girl is not hot, your lie will be instantly exposed. You have to say something like "she doesn't look like she's read a book since elementary school" or "I bet her dad pays her rent", that shit gets you on the same side as your partner.

[@CleoHarperReturns]

@@mcdrunkis Yeah, but that only works on younger women who are still insecure enough to ask. Then again, if an older woman asks it's because you're already busted checking out The Other and you're screwed.

[@CleoHarperReturns]

@@beckysimeone4882 Gaslighting! Classic.

[@KNR6292]

You gotta get a girl who will check other women with you!! And im talkin monogamy...but a secure woman is fun...insecure women are hell on earth.

[@YoungFlyFlashy318]

The "We," at the end was diabolical 😂😂😂😂

[@MaryMargaretteWhite-ek5tn]

😂texting my husband all day cause it’s like my journal 👍 true story😂

[@theg35project50]

Been married 3 months and can tell already that this is accurate 😂

[@superchingling6618]

Congratulations! 🎉🥰

[@theg35project50]

@superchingling6618 thank you ❤️

[@shauncarter924]

I’ll add to the first one. If she ever asks you something like “Will you help me (insert something) real quick?” She’s really asking YOU to do it.

[@tiagodecastro2929]

Legit. I overheard my wife talking to her sister once and she straight up admitted that "I have all these big dreams about the fixer upper home we're living in and I talked about 'we will do this, we can do that'... but I'm not the one doing all the work" lol. Felt really good to hear

[@Astro_Zombie92]

" It's fine" or "not a big deal " generally means the exact opposite.

[@JuanAppleseed-ge6tb]

One of the main reasons I don't mind being single. I don't know what it is about the "I'm fine" but it drove me up a wall every time my ex did it. She would clearly be angry as a hornet's nest on a cruise ship in a tropical storm, but says "I'm fine." NOBODY has EVER been able to explain why they do that, but my best guess is that it is pure manipulation and our society has been molded into joking about it being a cute, quirky thing that wives do.

[@Joy21090]

"Fine" can also mean I have a big problem that you can't really help me with. For example, I just realized I've been auto-charged $99/month for a year for a service I didn't know I was subscribed to. Frustration with oneself is something that nobody else can fix. So the "Fine" is true. It means I am mad at myself but fine with you. Let's go out for a fast dinner coz I am too annoyed with the world to cook, or to wait for a sit-down meal.

[@TeamSophieKeefe]

@@JuanAppleseed-ge6tb I don’t know if this applies to you’re situation but typically if I’m super angry and I say “I’m fine” that means “I don’t want to talk about it right now because I might accidentally say something I’ll regret.” I’ll usually just cool off for a bit and then I can communicate properly later

[@patroberts5449]

I’m fine are code words for I am NOT fine and you had better figure it out correctly real quick!!

[@zaram131]

“I’m fine”, I think means that I’m very upset but not ready to talk about it yet.

[@dtigers07]

“Either someone’s dead…or you’re about to be”

[@CleoHarperReturns]

Never a truer word spoken. I've learned that if ANYONE calls you and doesn't leave a message it's probably serious.

[@hitempguy]

She said "I already ate earlier, I'm not hungry" Me - "grabs food on the way home" She was CRYING I didn't bring her food. I literally asked her! Wtf??

[@pearlg6411]

This would make a great linguistics elective course along with its counterpart 💗👍

[@TheWolfhoundSabre]

The sigh with the side eye lmao

[@AutoYoung]

Saw you in the Target commercial bro! They could’ve given you some lines though. Fun seeing you on the tube either way.

[@GolfSux]

He didn't mention when they want the TV but you are already watching it so they start cleaning the house loudly or start slamming drawers or cupboard doors

[@jbac5767]

"Cleaning out the closetttt" LMAO

[@niadrentwett9099]

The texting is absolutely me. 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

[@CleoHarperReturns]

Me too. I don't need a response. I need a witness to my life. All I need you to do is not act annoyed. That'll bring on 'Go Time' faster than some dumb ass foil balloon and a gas station rose.🌹

[@NicoleWalsh-e5u]

So TRUE!!

[@kathrynmolesa1641]

This fella is a great standup comedian.

[@bjones870]

Wow, my man is looking thin! Keep it up man!

[@scottwhiting254]

“Bolth” LOL

[@DibbzTV]

I'm single as a tree but this is great prep work. I'll save it for later down the road. Thanks

[@JuanAppleseed-ge6tb]

Stay single. Do not make the mistake of volunteering to be a slave.

[@TorriW]

@@JuanAppleseed-ge6tbNot all women are like that. I will say that some are, but not true for all of us!

[@JuanAppleseed-ge6tb]

@@TorriW I disagree, but for the sake of argument, let's say you are correct. How can you know whether a woman is like that or not? This isn't a "gotcha" moment; women openly brag about acting a certain way to get a guy to commit and then doing a complete 180 once they have locked him down. And other women don't criticize them. Deceiving men and exploiting them is celebrated in the women's camp.

[@JuanAppleseed-ge6tb]

@@TorriW I 100% disagree. But let's say you are correct. How does a man know if he's being deceived into commiting to a marriage? What are the signs? If there are not clear-cut, irrefutable signals of a "trustworthy" woman, then you're saying men should just take the risk of losing half of their worldly possessions until he dies because his ex decided to divorce him. Am I getting that right?

[@F0XD1E]

​@@JuanAppleseed-ge6tb You could just not get married immediately, but that also requires a woman to tolerate you for more than 30 seconds so nothing you're gonna have to worry about.

[@THESEXYAPE]

Video starts at 0:01

[@ohhyoubetcha]

Thanks man, got lost there for a second

[@KurtisB]

Yeah, if you wanna start mid sentence.

[@babyeater101010]

Right? I could have sworn it started at 0:00

[@KurtisB]

@@babyeater101010 You are indeed correct, sir.

[@MaverickMcGreasy]

Nope.

[@DeliahAyala.2.14.91.]

This was pretty good 😂😂 hes learning

[@sarahsvoboda8481]

Good video miles I would say that the men who could use some extra points is to keep the restaurant notebook of what the wife likes from each restaurant and if they go out and the wife says I don’t want anything they’d better have that notebook handy. I would say with the sigh and if she’s working on a project like a closet or room, husband you leave her alone and she’ll ask you for help if she’s stuck, bonus: ask her before you toss anything away, it might be sentimental to her.

[@CrimsonGryphon45]

Definitely don't throw things away without asking her and don't go into her things and change them.

[@sarahsvoboda8481]

@ absolutely 👍🏻

[@codydonaldwalter]

This guy kills me 😆

[@Matthewwithers33]

My wife and I had the food discussion the other day i made me a burger and went ahead and said “here have a bite” (knowing full well she would want one) and she said “you can have the first bite” and I stopped and said “wait a minute I know what your game is…. You wait till the later bites to get more burger and less bun”😂 1:36 after the first couple years of marriage fellas you will not receive the “it’s go time text” and if she’s watching TikTok or social media she is already recieving her dopamine and WILL NOT take the time to want you to release her dopamine for her if you get what I mean so he is right in that regard

[@happilyeverafter9684]

Married 9 years and this is not true for us, nor do I see it becoming true. Practice makes perfect, and perfect is not short.

[@bluejeanjacket1410]

You’re not wrong 😂

[@patohara175]

This is gold 😂

[@chrisdavis6264]

Dang this is so accurate lol 😂

[@ShavinMcCrotch]

I didn’t realize my wife’s misuse of "We" was universal. 🤣

[@meredithking5220]

Why did the use of the word “pop” throw me off so bad 😂 Anyway the thread as a daily journal is so true, my husband works in healthcare and I absolutely will not CALL him unless there has been an apocalyptic disaster so everything from memes to supper inquiries gets texted

[@rogernull6151]

100% accurate!

[@coltennial9513]

Long term relationships are all about the small things!

[@brett-1261]

Either someone’s dead or you’re about to be😂😂

[@Daniel-Weaver]

Tonights Go Time? Yeah, I'm going to bed.ZZZZZZZ.

[@midtwilightblue]

I can’t fathom this being a universal thing as ‘my marriage’ is the polar opposite

[@CrimsonGryphon45]

So was my relationship with the last guy I dated. Especially opposite on the texting unnecessarily ALL day long.

[@michellekaitlyn]

I don't eat my husband's food, but the text message brain dump is *real*. 🤣

[@joyfulhomemaker8053]

This is 💯

[@erico4339]

I might have missed this, but you should make some stickers. Definitely would buy some.

[@Scott_296]

My wife is amazing. I know we have been together 13 years but married 🤷🏻‍♂️. She doesn't get cranky about it, again very lucky. But if she wants a closet cleaned out. I'm guy holding the trash bag. She doesn't like my way of clean stuff. If it's not memory worthy or family heirloom it's gone.

[@legendthorne2085]

Looking good man, Lost a lot of weight it seems. Hope it's intentional and health is fine.

[@bigd2829]

As a 20 year old, thank you for this advice in advance 😂

[@GrowingGiants]

teamwork....lol yep "we"

[@kellysong2256]

All married men should know to order extra food, no matter what your wife says 😂 In the rare event that she doesn't eat the extra food, you can just take it home with you

[@isentropic8279]

This will save marriages🤣😂🤣

[@fishskinz420]

Spot on man spot on

[@russellwitter7408]

When you bringing back the Ranch Wrangler ? Janesville, CA Pizza Factory will beat it.

[@reginaldwalton]

Mr. Target commercial man! 😁😁

[@nicpadilla9836]

My wife is really into gardening. She has spent a total of 5hr gardening in the last 5 years...

[@JoyMSZ]

Actually my husband was the one who was never hungry and would eat 1/2 of what ever I ordered.🤣

[@jimgray3346]

Lot of "ope sorrys" in your future hahahahaha

[@505louie]

Best video ever man. And I love my click click tongs are amazing I love em!!!

[@oystershucksters4206]

And to speak to an Australian wife you follow these steps with a Fosters in your hand.

[@beckysimeone4882]

Candy works in the States

[@Vivianblue.]

I call bullshit on that one. Australian's don't drink Fosters. That's dogs piss mate.

[@kevinvitale8980]

‘Go Time’… what is that? Oh wait, I now remember from a long time ago

[@Matty_RN]

Spotted you in the target commercial lol

[@camlatchford6182]

this guy is carrying on the tradition of Red Green

[@victoriababer3380]

Why is it the opposite for me? I order the most delicious meal and my hubby eats all of his and half of mine if not more 😅 sometimes I just want some leftovers but never could that happen lol.

[@SavoySalsa]

Straight up opposite with my ex hubs haha! But I’m a real live farm girl from Wisconsin haha haha! Still makes me laugh!

[@Laezerface]

haha!

[@GopalaApoliapaka-xp8xy]

I saw you on a target commercial!

[@anthonylucarelli1120]

When ever you hear "we" just turn that w upside down.

[@cecestover3332]

0:56 yeah when we say we’re not hungry we don’t want a whole meal we just want a few bites of yours

[@CleoHarperReturns]

I'm lucky if I get takeout anything once every three months. Not only am I not saying no, but I'm stocking up the freezer.

[@brianlayne9742]

Just seen him on a target commercial 😂

[@CleoHarperReturns]

As a woman I really wanted to be mad at this, but there's some good truths in here followed by excellent advice. I might still be married. LADIES, You should also try taking your husband's advice. I took my ex's advice: He said I didn't want a husband, I wanted a dog. In his case, he was absolutely right. Me and my dog have never been happier.

[@bruin4Christ]

Communication is not “key.” *How* to communicate respectfully, that is key

[@DirtyDanTanner]

At least your wives communicate with you... I'm jumping ship in two years once all my personal bills are paid off 😆

[@corarhode8676]

Dayum right bro…watched this on my wife’s account

[@Tom_-]

Looking good!

[@playdiscgolf1546]

My nickname is “one of us”

[@slayer4mayor]

I met you back in the day when I was converting “Pick ‘n Saves”, into “Mariano’s”. Mariano’s’ is crazy. Like, “lady let’s get ready, I feel lik Mariano’s@@

[@Liriq]

What is that rectangular object on top of the stove @2:30?

[@Nolongerangry]

Looks like it's a griddle plate attachment

[@IGrocker]

Yup, it’s a griddle!

[@TheNekofanatic]

"Either someone's dead, or your about to be." Priceless.

[@LovelyLady1111]

How do you know all this 😂😂

[@Shadow_Wraith]

Him - "What's wrong?" Her - "Nothing". Him - "Come on, I can tell somethings up". Her - "It's nothing". Him - "Well, if you're sure". Her - "Do you even care!"... Proceeds to rant even though you noticed something was up and asked more than once.

[@fishingismydrug1]

I’m sssooooo lucky! My beloved doesn’t do any of that!! Also told me not to buy her flowers or cards!

[@darkhillseuropeanmountsLLC]

Well said good sir

[@jeffcurry8317]

One time I felt an evil presence in my house, so I decided to try the "in the name of Christ I command you to leave this house". My wife told me to stop speaking to her mother like that.

[@MichaelSobolow]

I agree but what if he did more car videos?

[@theburntcookieshub5803]

Oh boy this scares me; my girl is absolutely straightforward and I fear a ring may make this all my reality (except the food one. But that's lesson 101)

[@The1402784]

Happy for not being married. Happily will run away from it for as long as possible. Thanks for the reminder 🥰. You are the best

[@brotherbruns2989]

In my world, marriage material says what it means and means what it says. Anything outside of that is not marriage material. Currently, happily single.

[@marcgrundfest1495]

There is hope.. ;)

[@happilyeverafter9684]

@@brotherbruns2989 good luck. Men and women are, and ought to be, different, so they way they communicate is also different.

[@brotherbruns2989]

@@happilyeverafter9684 true, however communication style and patterns doesn’t infer men and women can’t communicate what they mean and mean what they communicate.

[@gracetobin9124]

Good luck men 😂😂😂

[@rathuel4701]

I like to imagine his wife just coming across this video

[@the_real_MarcGyver]

Keep up the weight loss dude..looking great!

[@MrFatperson]

The sigh is so accurate!!! My wife was geeking when I showed her

[@mitchjohnson4714]

Ah the silence.