how to stop being a people pleaser

[@Ryan-dz4si]

"get used to saying no without explaining yourself." "no."

[@reapymc5819]

Good work!

[@solutions4tenants141]

Just when it was getting serious… you go and put the middle eastern head dress on and I broke out with a big smile and a giggle. Thanks for that… brilliant to keep us all on our toes and add some levity to a serious topic

[@gogtore]

I would also add that as a people pleaser, doing things that you don't want to will ultimately create resentment, both towards yourself and towards the partner or whoever is involved.

[@RatPackOG]

I love how you teach life lesson type stuff that comes off or happens to be spiritual. Not spirutial bs masking around like life lessons.

[@laggyrouter277]

@@DakotaFord592???

[@cupidok2768]

I watch this youtuber. Am i pleasing him?

[@aguy7566]

Tf? It's just logic

[@cupidok2768]

@@aguy7566 Do you think I'm pleasing in

[@Khaons]

​@@cupidok2768yes and that makes you gay. that's okay we're all gay

[@depresso___espresso]

Yeah, I'm downloading this one so I can repeat it until it seeps into my bones.

[@BrendanArthurRing]

That's my favorite technique too 😅

[@barbarapesti2464]

I’m afraid it won’t really help much, until we deal with the underlying trauma.

[@emilyhirst1047]

Sometimes it’s about reflecting upon the stories we tell ourselves from a child’s perspective as an adult. For example, “my mother told me off for being annoying, in order to obtain her love I must reduce who I am”, which breeds low self worth/self esteem, to “my mother was under a lot of strain and I was just a child being a child, I am perfectly lovable exactly as I am”. This can be applied to most, if not all, of those childhood stories we reference when talking about what has shaped who we are today

[@NewelOfKnowledge]

Great point Emily and those examples hit different ☠️

[@emilyhirst1047]

@@NewelOfKnowledge I’d be interested to know if those examples specifically are generational, I know a lot of people our age who have said similar things!

[@maartenvz]

​​@@emilyhirst1047at first i wanted to say: absolutely! I have heard so many stories that experienced the same. But then: was it really different for our parents when they were young or perhaps even worse? I do believe that what you highlight is a very valuable tool: trying to look at what really happened from each of the involved persons point of view. A better understanding leads to more acceptance and forgiveness.

[@henrytheworst]

This is so helpful to me. Saying yes to everyone started off as an eagerness to prove that I was the best man for the job, or the most valuable friend - and that damaged me more than I knew

[@abdulgule3165]

College proffesors should learn how to present information from this young man.

[@kaggiguy9008]

Preach

[@Iamrooq]

“No” is a word more powerful that some people, myself included, are afraid to acknowledge

[@matt-g-recovers]

@@Iamrooq Same, very difficult to implement for me. Either I can't say it, or fail to say it tactfully.

[@metza5382]

i think there’s an element of “saying yes to realize you actually wanted to say no” and vice versa. i thought i wasn’t a fan of a bunch of different things because i was raised a certain way and didn’t have a group i belonged to. now, im going out and doing things i never thought id do and thoroughly enjoying them. hardcore punk shows, city events, board game night; it’s as though you don’t really know until you let go of an expectation of how you think you “should” be and learn to just “be.”

[@snoozyq9576]

This came at a great time. I'm working hard on my people pleasing lately. Im finally feeling like I'm starting to get somewhere.

[@oloffagerstam]

Looking forward to the book. I had mostly given up on social skills youtubers but your content is solid 👌

[@mana_station]

I think there is also a healthy balance of doing things you dont want to do for others because its the right thing to do, or to show our support or appreciation for them, or because theyve done things for you that they didnt want to do.

[@cyberspark4206]

People are always saying "You should put this in your comics" "You should write this song" No I shouldn't. Please continue.

[@juliettailor1616]

I don't think that's the same "should" he's talking about. Those are suggestions from people who think you'd profit from them. Okay perhaps they should say "I think this would be a good idea for a cartoon, song" but sometimes suggestions from other people could actually benefit one.

[@lotubenou8755]

sometimes self-sacrificing is the result of childhood traumas.

[@Saritabanana]

Oh yes but we can change all that

[@barbarapesti2464]

If we deal with the trauma itself, otherwise we cannot change I’m afraid.

[@Ineffablefilmmaking]

You're like that cool uncle you look up to, everyone loves talking to and being around

[@victorschneider1202]

Man I just love your channel. You are such a captivating and interesting teacher. Im sure you will soon skyrock on KZbin. Cheers from Brazil mate

[@user-vj4tk6jw8i]

I figured out that saying no to things you don't want to do or wouldn't like to do now, keeps you free for stuff that you would definitely say yes to. Imagine saying yes to every project or everyone that asks you to do something for or with them, then that thing you really want to do comes up, but you can't do it cause you don't have any free time to do the thing you should've said yes to.

[@emmakelly3354]

this is absolutely incredible. You are so educated and articulated I wish more people were like this. You have researched so well and somehow managed to pack in a broad understanding in 20 mins. Thank you for taking the time to do this.

[@FlatMax2]

I love the video and everything you said made perfect sense. Thank you! Personally, I have trouble saying no to anyone who asks for help or assistance. It often bothers me when I feel like I’m being “used”. I do what I’m asked to do and whatever I do has to satisfy my own “standards”. I’m a perfectionist in that respect. Last week was the first time in my life that I said “no” to someone who has used me on a weekly basis for months. She unloaded all her problems on me and demanded my attention. I told her I no longer wanted to be used by her. I let her rant and try to dump everything back onto me. After a few minutes I just got up and left. I felt as if I had betrayed myself. I’m proud that I was able to do it. I will still see her once a week at work. I just hope that I can hold my ground and remain professional while retaining a personal distance.

[@adelaova9868]

Well the whole point of the video is getting to a point where you are able to say no without giving explanations. You telling her that you no longer want to be used by her has quite a lot of explanations in there. Maybe a simple No, without explaining that you 'feel used' would have saved you the weekly awkwardness in the future?

[@xavierg808]

Thank you Tom hardy for teaching me how to stand up for myself

[@user-eg4nj5mw1d]

Your videos are awesome. You’re so silly and genuine and human-like, and you’re intelligent passionate, and compassionate

[@BilboSwaginz]

Thank you for the work you put into subtitling your videos, I have severe hearing loss and your advice combined with ease of accessibility really helps

[@notahmed]

I put one of your videos on every Sunday when I walk around for work. Ritualcore

[@return3116]

fr golden info from this guy. used the “if you wouldn’t mind me asking” and it works great easy sub. good work good channel bro.

[@adamgoldstein9690]

Love to see this channel growing rapidly rn. Everyone needs some Newel of Knowledge. Keep it rolling!!!

[@nanzymyap]

By god it is a genuine pleasure to come across your videos

[@DennLama]

I feel like I should have paid to watch this stuff. Love it.

[@zekebeukes7380]

I like how mustache decided to dance while making n point @ 07:12 😂 hilarious

[@zoilinar]

another issue about expressing my needs, i notice in myself, is if somebody does not exhibit a behavior i want them to exhibit i.e."my parthner not greeting me when they come back from work" if i ask them to greet me and i insist if they keep not greeting me, this would be a behavior that they got forced to do because of me and i don;t like to impose myself like that. I think in the end their behavior is not genuine, it's a chore for them.

[@uyouhaveyou]

I think there are ways of approaching the partner who is coming in cold which more involve careful enquiry - like : "Are you aware that when you come home you seem cold and distant" - see how they respond... Then you could go deeper by sharing with them "When you come home in this way being cold and distant, i feel sad, like as if you are rejecting me and aren't happy to see me. Do you realise this?" This is as challenging as i would go with it. They may not be aware.. If they are aware and don't care then that opens a door for you to understand maybe something is wrong in your relationship that needs work. Maybe they are not much aware, maybe work is especially stressful, or maybe anything. Questions would open a door. If we are afraid to open such a door, then maybe we need to look at why. Maybe we need to develop the confidence to step up a bit more for ourselves by practicing in smaller ways about less provoking things until we can broach this one.

[@juliettailor1616]

Brilliant, born communicator and teacher. And from someone so young! (Love the circa 1930's clothing style and mustache.) Excellent content.

[@maze2007]

You don't find this level of inclusiveness in many channels, Pedro and Alejandro could definitely use a spanish version of these invaluable lessons. Great execution, Lewis.

[@mennaayman9689]

Where have you been all my life? Your videos are literally saving my life right now. I'm rediscovering my flaws and working on them. Sending love from Egypt

[@annaalm18]

Lewis you will have a million subscribers in a blink if an eye!

[@becky3846]

This is hands-down THE BEST video on people-pleasing that I’ve seen. And believe me, I’ve watched a lot 😳

[@EL-gu8fv]

One way to find out ( to your cost), is to tell a narcissist that their behaviour is irritating you. Prepare for that behaviour to be ramped up and them to be in your face. So, this only works for healthy people.

[@barbarahenn-pander5872]

Walking away/ghosting from narcissists is an effective way of saying “no”. This may require much advanced planning depending how enmeshed the two of you are.

[@thedebapriyakar]

Man, your videos are really good. I've watched around four videos and I love the way you explain stuff. Keep going, you are really helping a lot of us 💗

[@ZomboidMania]

The bit near the start where you talk about being a people's pleasure because of our dad when we were kids is completely accurate to me, well my mom was like it too, but basically my parents taught me to not say no, I'm getting better at it but it sucks They taught me so many bad habits, they're my parents, a child is supposed to learn from their parents, it's brutal

[@asmaarateb6863]

It's amazing that the way you talk makes me want to listen even if I heard this topic multiple times, I'm getting a sense that this is what Humans could learn to do. Saying the same thing in another different and in Thier own interesting way. Because we all repeat the same things, throughout history even. But how we repeat it makes all the difference. The way you're talking and teaching is truly amazing and make the listener hooked, speaking of myself of course :)Great work !

[@lovefromirina3219]

Really like the way the information is presented, and you’re also very funny, so I subscribed

[@TokyoBlue587]

Your voice is very soothing and I like the way you teach.

[@ice2787]

I truly want to say, that your content is superb! In the world of weird self-improvement people that are somehow just sketchy or turn out to be sketchy. Your way of delivery and how i perceive you, i know you are a real one! Thank you so much for your videos

[@SatumainenOlento]

Excellent video! I will watch again, because I am too often a bad mouse. And I am not even the worse. I just have too much instrospection. I am curious to know why I answered to the question NO and it makes me sound hesitant on my stance. As I am more occupied with my inner situation than what the other person is doing or saying. And then I try to convince the other person that there was some logical reason for saying NO. When even I do not know the reason why I did answer intuitively NO 😅 And different personalities work very differently. My mind does not follow the same path than other people do. It makes it hard to be assertive when I am not actually communicating with them in some level.

[@stefanboborci3367]

Your method of explaining things is great. I'm learning a lot. Thankyou.

[@EL-gu8fv]

You should be on the school curriculum!

[@nourmahmoud2078]

This video shouldn't be listened to, but studied 😂 Imma watch it more than ones hopefully apply it to my life, thanks a lot for the great effort!!

[@soulstrong]

Thank you, Lewis! I appreciate this overview very much.

[@HandelMedia]

Dude the highlight of my day to see a new video and the top of my algorithm from you

[@quattroclub]

This dudes videos come at the perfect time I swear lol

[@samir_gadimov]

being a people pleaser messes with my life, being unassertive, not saying thiings back because Im afraid to come out as top agressive and selfish, however later on regret of eats me up, and my dad was very assertive, strict, dictating, it would be impossible to say sth back to him, I guess it made me become a people pleaser. I have watched it in hopes to fix myself, cause this problem actually messes my life thus making me less confident, extroverted and overthinking

[@MEDZ02]

Your last two videos did great. Happy for you.

[@allnightarelate]

I can listen for hours and hours on end to somebody's rambling and problems. I even find it entertaining from time to time and (apparently) am able to help them somehow. The problem is though that I strongly fuse with my family and mostly my dad.

[@tintintin070]

you’ve been popping up on my recommended recently and i’ve been letting it simmer but today I let it auto-play a bit and this video aligned exactly with something i’ve been going through and I loved everything you said, especially your presentation. thanks for the advice man 🙏🏼

[@guylandis6723]

Thank you ,awesome class , fine blend of fun , self awareness and how to be a better to myself

[@Cherlise]

I love this guy! (And the accent! Everything sounds smarter with a British accent 😂)

[@Uncommony]

People pleasing is an ocean with no end. Stay Uncommon!

[@Uncommony]

Nothing better to say 😂😂

[@notIndecisive]

i just wanna say that i struggle with socialising and i value honesty / precision; i'm glad i found your channel because this advice is honestly amazing. i wish i had known this sooner :') but hindsight is 20/20 i guess lol.

[@luismiguel69able]

I am only a few min in but this is a stellar lecture so far.

[@clintonahaneku4481]

Thank you for all you do ❤.

[@JustinHunterTCM]

I struggle to know what is worth having conflict over. To give an example, someone leaves their bag in an area of foot traffic at work. I don't notice it. The guy sees me kick it by accident. He says, "Watch out for my bag." I apologize, but a part of me wants to say he needs to move his bag, but in my head, I expect to hear him say,"You need to watch your step." And somehow I feel like I'm on the wrong, so I don't say anything because I get so anxious that I will actually be a jerk and I can't make a decision if he is right or I am right.

[@prettyperks17]

Safety is the key. It is a tripping hazard. He needs to take care of his stuff in a way that doesn't put a human in danger of getting hurt. Yes, you too have a responsibility to be careful as you are walking yet it is in an area that is usually clear then he still needs to find another solution to where he put his stuff. Don't label yourself as a jerk for speaking up and suggesting another solution. He is also not a jerk. He could have meant: "Watch out! Be careful! I didn't realize me taking a break from holding my bag would be so dangerous." But he just said something short. I don't know. That is where body language and tone of voice comes in. Mostly incidents like this is not a big deal if no one got hurt. Yet if a person tripped and broke their hip then it is all downhill for that person. People can die after breaking a hip. That is why safety is a good reason to speak up. "I just want to be safe. Please move your bag over here; it would be safer for people to walk by. Thank you." It doesn't have to be a conflict if we are learning to help each other.

[@kristaylor6694]

You rarely feel better after a conflict. And I've noticed when you get into a conflict with random people over trivial things it becomes more about the ego of winning than the thing that just happened so it's pointless

[@utegietzen-wieland2976]

I totally love your videos, so spot on presented and so wonderfully funny :-). Thanks a lot, your mouse made my day :-)))))

[@juliaromie]

well! we’ve got some work to do 😂 thank you very much for this, i really needed it and found it at exactly the right time

[@tenamstudio]

Phenomenally engaging. Thank you.

[@JonathanLewis-gf1lu]

Wow This just turned my light 💡 on in my head great topic. I always had a problem with this one now I understand it even more awesome thank you so much guys

[@Angell_Lee]

Think about this: The people that have problem if you say no, are the one who want to control you for their own needs/gains. Don't tell them that do, since most can't even self-reflect. Just assert your self and your own needs to live YOUR best happy life. Best,

[@dinarazinaliyeva196]

Love the content! A months-long subscriber here. I have an ask: could you also please put the references to the ideas you used in the description (you did cite some in the video, but I find that it's just showing recognition/gratitude to the authors who first expressed them by mentioning them and their work in the description, even as infamous as Hitler's second hand haha). I would only have more respect for you and the channel because you care about transparency. Thanks! Have a great day! :)

[@GeoffRogers42]

I feel like that may have been the most impactful twenty minutes of my life so far

[@SamuelOlawunmi-xm3sb]

This is amazing. I ticked yes to most of the questions in 6:39

[@eliasdefries104]

Great work !

[@lollipop3136]

BRILLIANT we’re now out of blue 💙. Little things like that make me smile 😁

[@plausibledeniability2941]

Liked and subscribed for the mouse/lion segment. Wonderful bit, made me smile and laugh along with you. Great content 👍🏻

[@ErraticOverthinker]

It's easy for me to say no to my friends, but when it comes to my parents or relationships it's so difficult. Now that I have a breakup to reflect on, I realised how much I'd lost myself into fixing and making the other one happy and loved, which as a result I've forgotten about my needs. I was holding the mindset of "In relationships you have to sacrifice", which is somewhat true, but it still confuses me on where to draw my limits or when it sounds rude and distant. Like sometimes I just wanna chill watching videos, but my ex wanted to play something, since it's our routine to do so it feels kinda rude to turn her down when she seems excited

[@stellamachame]

Do you have a book of your own!? About these things that are really great I just found you today hope you have a book also that compile all this knowledge!!

[@NationlessNative]

This opened my eyes to improving my self differentiation

[@jmwilson6792]

I needed these videos today. Thank you.

[@redweed4018]

Wow, you are opening my eyes

[@zureyaodula5348]

This is life changing stuff 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

[@nickwinterswealth]

These videos are great for me as someone in sales. Loved the mouse drawing too 😂

[@barbarahenn-pander5872]

I’d like the authors and titles of the books you mention in the show notes. I’d also appreciate more numerous and nuanced, elucidating examples of ways that people find their values, say no in difficult circumstances, etc. I really enjoy your content. New subscriber. 😊

[@beetfarmer9733]

You are killing it my friend, I am subscribed! Both literally and figuratively

[@weihoejorellkay3384]

Your videos are so good. I have been hooked and learning

[@sstyles240]

Hey man, just wanted to let you know you are my favorite new youtube channel. Keep doing great videos

[@fembot521]

It’s hard for me to say no because I say no a lot and then stop getting invited anywhere. So I often have to say yes randomly to things I don’t want to do in order to get invited to things I do want to do. It’s a mess!

[@kielo3867]

Maybe invite others for the things you enjoy doing too more

[@Boscosuniform]

Just discovered your channel, brilliant content man, keep it going!

[@kimbers1238]

There is so much info in ur videos each one could be a series

[@nigelsheppard625]

Honest to God you're just showing off that spectacular tache now.

[@bmy99]

Great video mate! I like the whiteboard format and good summary at the end!

[@yonatan8834]

Thank you!

[@zoilinar]

thank you for your videos, they are a great help. but, when you asked "would you rather people approve of a facade or your actual self", the assumed correct answer is "my actual self", but i thought... "well, if the people that would approve of my actual self are drastically fewer... i would rather people see the facade"

[@EricHanefi]

LOVE IT, GREAT STUFF!!

[@TyCottle]

Another banger video! Taking notes!

[@earthamoon_]

This is so good!!!!!!!!😊

[@655Louisa]

I find it interesting when I say "No" to a request ---- and add no additional information or explanation. Watch the unease in the other person. Five seconds of silence feels like a long vacation. This demonstrates to me that not many people have the ability to calmly say 'No' and offer no other explanation. It feels incredibly empowering. The more you say No, the better you feel.

[@baeyuh]

i love your channel

[@JasonMomoa999]

I love it when people please me.

[@Mr.Sugarking777]

Thank youu!

[@RiseAあ]

i love this channel

[@charliepadeljones]

Fantastic content. I noticed you didn't include the drawing out of the infographics and a lot of text in this video. Sentences and drawings just appear on the screen. It is a lot more engaging when we get to see the whole process. As you write/draw it gives me time to think about the concepts being discussed and builds some suspense around what you are going to write/draw. Keep up the great work!

[@velvetenigma6180]

Thank you ,

[@BrendanIgoe-u1f]

Saying NO without explaining myself seems like such a weird concept, its like.... i dunno..... just feels like so wrong lol. I had to get a wisdom tooth removed and in my volunteeering role i was like " sorry i have to go to dentist and gave this big speel, manager was like......... Ehhh ok lol ehhh you can take the night off sure your a volunteer !

[@TLife369]

Great wisdom