How To Stop Being Defensive - Fight or Flight Response

Would you like to stop being defensive? Often our natural reaction to something is our fight or flight response. Defensiveness validates accusation, and takes things in the wrong direction... so is there another option?
In this video, I explain with how your brain naturally kicks you into a defensive posture when you perceive a threat. I share an exercise to help you calm down and stop being defensive.
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
HELP & RESOURCES:
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[@cyrusvanbeethoven4626]

I'm breathing real deep right now. - I'm easily put on the defensive. My fight or flight system hijacks my body, and I don't like it. My defensiveness has a negative effect on my relationships 100%. I'm trying to change how defensive I am. Wish me luck.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I'll do one better for you Cyrus - I'll wish you the effective application of the principles you're discovering. That's much more powerful than luck. You're in the driver's seat here. Thanks for watching! DrPaul

[@cyrusvanbeethoven4626]

Live On Purpose TV Ty Dr. Paul! I'm embracing the change. Just not always easy to do when my default has been to BE defensive for so long. Feels good though catching myself when the process begins, and replacing those behaviors with new ones. Much love brother.

[@emilyquisourit]

I think I have the same issue, Cyrus. Fortunately we have woken up to this :) All the best to us!

[@cyrusvanbeethoven4626]

Emily Thyberg We've got this! I've having some remarkable results lately. The St. Francis prayer is great to put into practice. - When offended, pardon. Try to be understanding, not understood. When I'm trying to be understood, I'm probably being defebsive, arguing; and/or stuck in the back story (explaining the WHY). I realise.. Today. Not everyone will, or NEEDS to think exactly as I do.. No matter how wrong they or I am. And just accepting people for who they are and keeping my opinion to myself, has been working. - If they ask for advice that's different. But voluntarily disclosing my opinion is counter productive really.. That's again drifting away from BEING UNDERSTANDING. - Reading the underlying message, and being a good friend/person to them gives much better results than trying to give solutions to their problems.

[@rayashines12]

Same same ughhh

[@Devotchka161]

I usually don't care what people think of me, but the fight or flight response is strong if I care for someone on a deep level.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Good point, Devotchka. The response can be deeper depending on the people involved and the circumstance. Thank you for watching.

[@aw__ar3812]

Devotchka same and i hate it

[@luving11life]

Same and it sucks!

[@ivanwithers9469]

"What other people think of you is none of your business." This is awesome. I'd always just assumed it was my right to know what so and so thought about me. Because it was about ME. Awesome job yet again Dr. Paul.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks Ivan! Right, actually it's not about you - great connection.

[@Kim-kw7fo]

Awesome. There would be far less problems in relationships and especially in schools if more people of all ages understood this statement. Another good statement is: Is there any evidence that his or her opinion of me has any truth in it. 😊

[@mariopalushaj824]

I wish they had all his classes throughout school, especially positivity ones, it would help the world I think.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Maro Palushaj, I agree.

[@ritagaston1556]

Big problem here. Emotional response is much faster than the mental thought to breathe. Yes, if we have TIME to REMEMBER to breathe then ALL techniques work.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

What we need to do is when we don't act the way we want, we play it out over in our minds how to do it differently the next time. In this way we can learn the response. Thank you for watching, Rita Gaston.

[@TimTamSlam7]

Yes ! The reminding part comes before the action, so that the message comes through clearer each time. Its called forming habits :)

[@Hannah-no8yh]

@@LiveOnPurposeTV I do play it in my mind and instead just feel guilt because I feel like I’ve done something wrong for feeling hurt about what they’ve said to me

[@speedoflight3395]

I can so relate. This is what happens to me.

[@patrickholcomb9628]

female.

[@pip4700]

Thanks, I've noticed I'm defensive a lot and am pretty ashamed of it now that I realized it on my own

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Pip, when we know better, we do better.

[@Joshdifferent]

I was the scapegoat of my narcissist family. So it’s hard not to be defensive or try to prove something sometimes but I have been working on myself a lot! Thanks for the video 💯🙏🏽

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

So glad you are in our positive mindset community. We all have something we are working on. You rock.

[@ct6852]

Usually it's the narcissist who's acting out of extreme defensiveness. Maybe you just took on some of their traits for the time being to get by. When you're away from them I'd bet you're quite different. In a good way.

[@hanifnada17]

As someone who get bullied in school, I often get into defensive state. It's already passed years ago, but I'm still get into that defensive state.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I wish you well and hope the bullying is history for you.

[@marywolfe7293]

I have also heard that FEAR could also mean face Everything and recover.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Mary, I love it - Face Everything And Recover - another great tool, thank you. DrPaul

[@michaelreynolds6543]

false evidence appearing real

[@Lumalnatti11]

That is really great too- TY. Both terms are great to store in the old knowledge bank/ frontal lobe ;-)

[@deetrout7623]

🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@mickbowe4252]

@@michaelreynolds6543 shout-out to Ralph!

[@lisaanderson7128]

Doctor Paul, I've just found you and love your simple, no nonsense reminders to relax, let go and just breathe. You've also just helped me to see that how my boss, who ought to thank God for me daily, is a total stinker to me... its HIS insecurity and defensiveness each time I go the extra mile. You're amazing! Thank you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Wow, thank you!

[@BubblyBibleGirl]

0:35 This is Because of Your Brain 0:55 The Fight or Flight Response 1:05 The Limbic System 3:10 Defensiveness Validates Accusation 4:45 Breathe 6:45 What Other People Think About You is None of Your Business 7:15 Feedback is Information on how that Person EXPERIENCES Me 8:45 Metacognition is Thinking About Our Own Thinking

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you, Shawndra.

[@storyaboutmosquitoes9441]

Thank you so much for posting this. I’m slowly realizing how defensive and negative I have been for so long. I got diagnosed with PTSD and nearly gave up because it just seemed so hopeless. I got saved in March and have a long way to go, videos like this help so much

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Honored to be on your team.

[@storyaboutmosquitoes9441]

@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you❤️ I’m honored you responded to me, it means a great deal.

[@Bimbologyexpert]

I struggle really hard with working on not being defensive with my current partner due to previous unhealthy relationships in my life. This video was a lovely and helpful watch for both of us. Thank you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You are welcome, Rayn Ashley. Glad to be of service to you.

[@mcmic1212]

He is funny with his animated features. Good video

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks mcmic1212 - I'll take "funny" as a compliment! DrPaul

[@mcmic1212]

Live On Purpose TV please do! You are a lively talker

[@3pendont4]

I think the most permanent way to change ultra defensiveness is to come to a real understanding that your perception is messed up and broken. You are not responding correctly to anything because you have a constant angry lens over your mind that you have to find away to get rid of it without killing yourself. This may take some intense therapy and uprooting and forgiveness.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Johnny Ginseng, thank you for this comment. There is a lot here in your comment. Glad you took the time to comment.

[@Joethebro101]

Great video. I’ve often taken things too personal. I would love to not get defensive at all.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I understand, take one day at a time and you can get there.

[@Katiejaa]

I love your energy !!! Great video.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks Katia - thrilled that you are here! DrPaul

[@sfarhat3294]

"that person experiences me as an idiot" 🤣🤣🤣

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Glad you found it funny, S Farhat. Hope you found the video informative also. Thanks for watching.

[@NbaLive4ever]

Even if this video is 4 years old, it’s still helping people like me get over the feeling of always being defensive. Thank you so much! The last part of the video was def valuable to me

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

The principles last. They don't expire.

[@janineplamondon8893]

Thank you! This gave me a deeper understanding of why he gets so explosive over the smallest things. I appreciate you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Glad the video helped, Janine Plamondon. As we understand more, we can deal better with the situation. Stay tuned for more life hacks that will help.

[@benruegg]

Beat video on this I’ve ever seen!!! Thank you so much. You have seriously helped me more than you can think! 👌🙏🙏 love from New Zealand

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks Ben - so honored to be on your team! DrPaul

[@Hannah-no8yh]

I get defensive pretty quickly especially on subjects that are close to home for me , I don’t like how defensive I am , but people always act like it’s something I can control and just decide not to do . Like today my whole class was trying to defend and justify the ‘super straight’ thing going on , and I got defensive when they started trying to justify it and kept getting more and more people against me . Then my TEACHER started talking like I was the one in the wrong just because I was getting upset and feeling attacked . This really bugs me and no one wants to try to get it , they just hate me for feeling attacked when they’re saying something that feels hurtful to me .

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Hannah Collier, I don't know what was being said, so this may not apply. Try not to take something personal being said. I know it is easy to say and hard to do, but practice. People will listen to you more when you remain calm. It is that way for everyone.

[@TheAgelessWisdomMysterySchool]

Good commentary. Loved hearing your reference to metacognition. People also need to learn about meta-awareness...aware of being aware and noticing what we notice. Thank you. 🙏🏻

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you, that is great advice.

[@esther4422]

Ah this makes so much sense. I reacted to something that put someone I care about in an uncomfortable position. Tonight I decided I have to heal this.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Esther, that is awesome, best of luck.

[@wilchesE]

Damn thank you, I sought this out because I am defensive. Big time

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

First step to learning how not to be defensive is recognizing and seeking other solutions. You are on a better road, tito wilch.

[@sarahlowry9633]

"That person experiences me as an idiot" "Feedback is information, primarily information on the person giving the feedback" That's great! Thank you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You are welcome, Sarah Lowry. Glad you are at the channel.

[@ethanpierce5317]

Thanks man this video really helps, especially the breathing tip. I'm on the verge of losing one of my friends because of my defensiveness, and I don't want that to happen. I'm starting to work on it, so I don't lose that friendship. I been watching other videos that also been helping. This one helped as well so thank you.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Glad I could help, good luck.

[@speedoflight3395]

Another thing is we must learn how to submit to people. There’s something that pops into my mind whenever I’m about to fight the defensive emotion. Something makes me see it like am about to submit to the person and due this my defensive emotion gets even more stubborn. I’m ready to change things

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Speed of Light, that is awesome to hear. Better days ahead for you.

[@ct6852]

It's not a zero sum game. You can do things side by side in tandem...as a team. Sometimes you take the lead, and at another moment it can be their time to shine.

[@rahdaswami2452]

Over awareness of adrenaline from fight or flight. Breathing takes the ATTENTION off the awareness of the adrenaline and what it's warning the body about, and putting it on breathing. The problem here is being aware that your over reactive to your senses. If your aware of feeling not quite right all the time, your going to be the one who is defensive first as your more aware of adrenaline than others. These kinds of people love movement as it calms that over sensitivity. We, me being one, can see things happening almost before they happen do to the over awareness of the senses. Action movies are on the menu cause you can see the action in slow motion, however when there is some sort of interaction between yourself and someone else, your also the first to be self aware of any negativity in the conversation, why, because you can feel the adrenaline first. Even knowing what it is still is hard to control as the body is just doing it's job of making you aware of a threat, and your over aware of the threat or the adrenaline associated with the threat.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Very interesting observations Jerry. There's obviously both up-sides and down-sides to awareness. Repeated practice can help us train our own mind and body to take things a direction that helps us more. Glad you're here! DrPaul

[@stefaniaking3651]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! The breathing exercise HELPED !! The entire video helped.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Stefania King, You are welcome!

[@aheartwhite4948]

That was so helpful ! Thank you!! I’ll be using this technique tomorrow , metorecognition 😊

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Aheart White, I wish you the best. Keep at it every day.

[@krisxxn4756]

This video is… like… the answer to so many of my problems. Haha! Maybe if I listen to it on repeat I can brainwash myself into thinking this way in the heat of the moment! That’s the problem with me. When the tension is high I react completely differently than when it isn’t. And sometimes I kneejerk get offended at things that later I’m like “that was clearly a joke” or “I wish I hadn’t reacted to that with negative assumptions”. It seems like this stuff flies out the window when I get upset. Maybe the key is to meditate more so that I more readily think of taking calm breaths or of being more charitable toward others.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Take some time. Time is often the gift we don't give ourselves and end up with regret.

[@TheKakamuka]

This information is golden! Thanks doc

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

My pleasure!

[@catwalkster]

I really like your sense of humor.😄😄😆😆 Subscribed. Greetings from the Netherlands. 🇳🇱🇳🇱🇳🇱🇳🇱 ( you're the kind of person that laughs really hard about your own jokes right? 😄 Me too. Hahaha Of course that's very understandable. If I wouldn't find the joke funny I wouldn't make it. Haha)

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Welcome aboard! Glad to have you at the channel, Cat Walker.

[@chris-moore1931]

This was very helpful because I never knew how much I struggled with this and for a long time, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal because I was stupidly comparing my reactions to my partner’s pain that I was causing them. Thank you Dr. P!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You're so welcome! Glad you are here at the channel.

[@moanamaree]

Thank you Dr Paul Jenkins 😁 I looked up this video when I made myself aware of how defensive I am towards people and situations 🤦‍♀️ It’s embarrassing.. Like how you said being defensive validates acquisition..

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Moana Maree, this is awesome, you are recognizing where you can improve, getting tips and help. Good adulting today.

[@julianaaguilo8541]

This has changed my life. Thank you ❤️

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Juliana Aguilo, thank you for taking us along on your journey.

[@curssin]

I like this. Dr. really welcoming and accurate

[@brendamarie9966]

This is excellent! But realistically if someone says something to us in our face, are we really going to breathe like that in front of that person then respond?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

It is not instinctual, Brenda Marie. A quick pause might be enough.

[@brendamarie9966]

Okay thank you! I’ll try that

[@uusa]

@@LiveOnPurposeTV they may think ur a karate master .. and u gonna thiere behind lol

[@thesetruths1404]

Thank God for KZbin and its good people content!!!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

These Truths, so much good in the world, be on the lookout.

[@MarkNiceyard]

"It's simple. It's brain science." :D

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you, MarkNiceyard.

[@TheMaryDoll]

excellent advice! Thank you. "what someone else thinks about me is none of my business"...

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Exactly! You got this!

[@wisecanadianwoman]

Dr Paul, thank you so much for this explanation. I have been struggling with this lately and what you say makes so much sense. Thanks again.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You are very welcome

[@grandmasstories3418]

Dr. Paul, you are great! Thank you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Glad you enjoyed the video, Isabel Gil. Thank you.

[@DeAnaira]

Great video. I needed this thank you

[@missd5878]

Mine kicks in all the time Notes: 1. Your brain will always defend. Manage your flight or fight. Relax and focus on the solution. Breath 2. Other people's opinion doesn't matter. It's only feedback of what that person is experiencing. 3. What is happening that the situation becomes as it is. Defensive>Validation

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Dione De ridder, Thank you for putting this together.

[@richardbennett8906]

Mr. Jenkins, you seem like a really good person. Thank you

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I try, Richard Bennett. Thank you for watching.

[@lesleygarvs4640]

I loved it! Never thought about it in that way. Crystal clear! 🤔💅 Thank you, Doctor. Kind regards

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You’re welcome 😊

[@raek8940]

Perceived! Wow, shuts down thinker. so breathe! You said so many good things.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

So glad! Please share with someone who might benefit from the video. Thanks.

[@chriswhite6250]

Wow this was so helpful. I really learned more about my self by watching this video. Thank you so much for this content.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I'm so glad! Thanks for letting me know.

[@Dawangler]

Wow amazing! Helped me so much

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you.

[@davidrankin9874]

Thanks for being a part of my team.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

My pleasure, david ellis. We are here for each other.

[@DanielRamBeats]

This is an incredibly insightful video, thank you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

My pleasure.

[@alexisharmon325]

Omg I have anxiety and I literally have wondered if I’m slow! 😂😂 but its because of my fight or flight response

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Alexis Harmon, doesn't it feel good to figure something out?

[@Myvlogs1208]

That exercise helped i will do it it from now

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Pao stories, awesome! Thanks for letting me know.

[@2012International]

Thank you brain!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Love it.

[@nickv9057]

Better every day 💙

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Yes, together we can improve.

[@lindaruss3772]

I learned this exact breathing technique in therapy yrs ago. I really works.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

It does. Thanks for commenting.

[@kimberlykreyauthor]

This is so helpful! Thank you!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You're so welcome!

[@kristina7542]

Thank you for your help today!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You are so welcome!

[@sufferplenty]

Apparently I’ve been struggling with being defensive for a lot longer than I’ve been aware of it. Unfortunately for me that nature is now leaking into other areas of my life and I have no idea on how to stop it when it’s become apart of my personality. Being defensive has led me to have a pessimistic, negative tone when I used to come off very friendly and bubbly to new people. Now everyone I meet just wants to stay away from me until I have this under control :(

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

sufferplenty, it is awesome that you recognize this and we have helps for you at go.liveonpurposecentral.com.

[@suzy_the_cockatoo]

My 17 year old said all you needed to say was "chill". That's how a teen sums up your video. I thought the video was awesome.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Haha, I guess I could have said "chill," but what kind of video would that be? : ) Well, I'm glad your teenager and you watched the video anyway. Thank you for allowing me to be on your positive parenting team, Suzy the Cockatoo!

[@lanahawaiiart]

Solution: discern and block attacker = problem solved. First step is to set bounderies and dont interract with narcissists lol. Thanks for the video :)

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@carbonsurvival4040]

You are Inspiration my friend

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you! How kind.

[@Donnadlongino]

Wow! just really, really wow... Great teaching!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks, Donna Longino. Glad you enjoyed the video.

[@noyselee]

My goodness, this is my problem. The program is deep. I know and aware when I get defensive but my body will automatically react.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

BlaqueSunflower, yep, we stop thinking with the front of our brain and we need to get back there so we can act and not react. Awareness is key.

[@csillatusan6170]

Great video 😍so helpful. Thanks!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Csilla Tusan, thank you for watching.

[@deririan8117]

Does it make me wierder. If someone accused me then my respon is breathing

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Deri Rian, people will probably think we are weird if we don't react the way they expect us to. One of my colleagues told me once that what other people think of me is none of my business. I've kind of taken that to heart. The key here is to stay in control of the only person you really have any hope of controlling in the first place! DrPaul

[@SS-nv6ih]

He sounds like Bill Clinton 😂 But the breathing technique did help!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

S S, thanks for trying it out.

[@Soulforealz]

This was helpful

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

T, so glad to hear that.

[@stacyming543]

I feel great breathing, I was doing it few weeks ago. It was some normal breathing techniques. I really felt great while doing it.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Stacy Ming, breathing techniques really do help when we take the time.

[@jaclynh9343]

I will say there are people who even if you say how you feel, and you are careful in what you say, and tactful they will get defensive anyway. They do not want to be held accountable and use that behavior to shut you down. In my experience I detach as clearly empathy is lacking. I understand if someone is verbally attacking you and feeling the inclination to get defensive but it really doesn't solve anything. My exfriend would behave in this way when I would muster up the courage to speak my truth of how I feel. It truly made me feel like it wasn't safe to be honest so I ended up withholding how I felt then she would accuse me of not being honest. When someone is punished for being honest one learns to withhold information. It ruins relationships. Can you speak to that?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Hi Jaclyn H, it is frustrating when we want someone to act a specific way. To stay positive, we need to realize that people may not be at the same place we are. Sometimes we drift away from people when our needs aren't being met and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I will add this to the topic list. Thank you for watching.

[@CousinKaylee]

Dr.Paul I too duck and move out of the way when I’m watching an intense movie scene lol

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks for the support.

[@CousinKaylee]

@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you for all that your team does you guys are really helping my family.

[@stacyming543]

Thank you

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Stacy Ming, you are welcome.

[@sdqmotion]

If someone experiences me as an idiot, that means I am being an idiot. Therefore if he accuses me of it, It still makes sense for my brain to be defensive. i don’t see how this technique would help. Could u clarify some more please? I really appreciate your content. Thank you.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Why do you accept that you are being an idiot because someone else perceives it that way? Run that through your truth filter and see where your motivations are. Take a deep breath and give it a try.

[@treanthony9831]

Thanks for the video. I know for a fact I get defensive but I never knew the reason why. So my question is how long should I breathe before responding?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Until you feel as though you can think and not react. It will take some practice as all skills do. Thank you for commenting and watching the video.

[@zz-ic6vy]

Thanks! This is very hepful video!

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You are welcome, zz22. Glad to have you as part of our community!

[@vigilanttruthseeker1909]

I liked this video.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

And I like vigilant seekers of truth - thanks for watching!

[@aliyabarter]

Yes great info . But what if the person you are dating is so cynical all the time that causes you to be defensive all the time . You can't exactly take a long breath in middle argument without sounding a bit irritated . What do you do in the moment you get an insult ? Take a breath ?

[@sarahs3988]

Stop dating them.... Seriously though that will not get easier when you get married, do you want to live with them for the rest of your life.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Alea Barter, that is what dating is all about, finding out about another person and it doesn't sound like the two of you are meshing to make this relationship ongoing.

[@Lucysays]

I always learn a lot from the information you share. I’m interested to learn about improving communication with my partner who is immediately defensive in any conversation with slightly differing opinions. Assuming nefarious intent when I state an opinion or confuse a question with interrogation. It’s exhausting and Limits me to shallow small talk . Is there anything I can do? Can I change my behaviour to support a nonjudgmental platform?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Sounds like it might be helpful to involve a third party so both of you can learn to communicate in healthier ways.

[@papigotem8432]

So good ❤️

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks!

[@Av-vi5vs]

Thx sir u solved many plms.god bless u.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you - so glad you're here! DrPaul

[@KendrixTermina]

thanks.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks for watching! DrPaul

[@Kelseashell]

I feel like I have to be on edge these days around others or else they will assume wrong of me… it’s like people like to judge and I pick up on that.. does this make sense for anyone else maybe ?

[@iHeartAja]

I started giggling before I finished my second exhale 😂 Feels gooooood 🤤🤤

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

That is awesome.

[@yagurainuzuka]

Time when i become defensive is in dark places i have very strong fear of darkness that when i'm outside during winter time my arms rise at height where my lungs are and then i am ready to either fight or escape my friend asked me why i do this and my answer was i don't do this at my free will it just happens

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Yagura Inuzuka, just being conscious of how we are feeling in the moment can help to alleviate the fear. I hope you are able to find something in the video to help. Thank you for watching.

[@18552122]

I’m extremely defensive and it’s hurting everyone around me. I know about the breathing exercises but the problem I have it before I can think about them my fight of flight reaction has already kicked in. How do I fix this?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Go over what the right response would be when you are calm and learn to name and identify the trigger before it goes off. That way you can diffuse it with a little preplanning.

[@michaelbruce9197]

My wife likes to cross my boundaries. She likes to tell me when people die . Hey Bill died. I’m not ready for it, and it causes panic . Happened Sat. I’m just driving and relaxing, etc and she blurts out so and so died. Puts me in a bad mood... she doesn’t understand ptsd. I’m free to decide, took awhile but I snapped into a better mood, by being kind to others acting happy etc. One day at a time. I forget the Breathing when I get irritated... Here to remind myself about the breathing. 😁. Was pulled into a debate about the Bible this weekend, and voting . A three day debate with a preacher ( texting).... Went well. The phone call from a political person went well also. Being in toast masters has helped with how I speak to people. Thank you for this video.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Michael Bruce, thanks for being here at the channel.

[@rayashines12]

I appreciate you greatly

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks you, Rissa Boo. Honored to be on your team.

[@hokinko93]

Really having a tough time when my partner criticize me about something, this can make me REALLY REALLY Really mad, a moment of wanting to rage with outbrust of anger, hope this technique can help me.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I hope so also.

[@katherinelydon7306]

Prefrontal cortex rocks! Metacognetics.

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Katherine Lydon, I agree.

[@kelli8841]

So this is a great video on how to put your hyperactive defense mechanisms into a lower gear, but how do you deal with a family member, loved one, close friend or even a co-worker who is defensive? Or while I'm asking, if you could direct me to a video that could help me with passive-aggressive folks as well, that would be great! I have several loved ones (including a ex-spouse) that take every word as an attack. ME: "How was your day today?"... Ex-SPOUSE: "Why are you asking me all these questions? What did YOU do all day? You think I just sit around and do nothing all day? Why do you always try to put me down?"... Me: "?" I have a family member that is very passive aggressive about pretty much every family rule, value or perspective in our home. ME: "Oh, let's maybe not eat a cookie for breakfast... we get a little goofy when we have a lot of sugar on an empty stomach." ... FAMILY: "Oh, I was only joking. Why are you getting so upset? Why don't you try calming down?" ... ME: "?" (while receiving wild blank stares from my 6 year old who is now holding the cookie at 7:30am) It is not always someone that I can just ignore, and it's not always a situation that I can play off as them "having a bad day"... when my son sees this, I don't want to give off the impression that this is an acceptable way to respond (to anyone, especially their spouse). I've run straight out of ideas to respond in a positive way that still reinforces respect for myself, the other person, and my position as an authority figure. Honestly, these situations always leave me feeling gassed and exhausted and like I am the one who did something wrong...

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Kelli - you might check out the Positive Relationships playlist here on the channel. There are a number of videos there that might give you a few ideas. Honored to have you here! DrPaul

[@alishalarson9280]

To be honest, your statement comes off as patronizing. Depending on your audience anyway. I personally think “I think I’m going to hold off on having a cookie” is better. They probably know why you don’t want a cookie and they should be allowed to make a choice without guilt. I used to think people were very defensive and I realized that I was slightly manipulative in situations without realizing it. I could be wrong, but it has helped my relationships and help people feel more comfortable around me! I just decided to be more straight forward, instead of coaxing people into the decisions I feel is right. At least over simple things. On the other hand, if you are looking for a way to bring up a problem with your partner, learning to externalize the problem helps. “I think cookies get in the way of our having fun” if they want to know further, they will ask. I still have a family member that is very defensive with me, and it’s hard, because we’re only human! I think if it’s someone extremely close, go to therapy. If it’s not, let it go! Just don’t match their energy and get defensive back. Anyway, these are my 2 cents. Obviously, I could be corrected. It’s hard out there.

[@alishalarson9280]

I just realized that you were talking to someone about your child having a cookie. I think your response was very kind. Ha. I think just knowing we can’t control or change others. So just validate them and repeat back what they said without backing down, “I know you were joking, and you probably don’t know that Jake gets sick on a cookies this early. I’m just letting you know that Jake gets sick, thanks for respecting that”

[@Ash_Hudson]

Thanks for the video! I just wondered; I've become more and more defensive minded in the last 8 months due to social isolation, and I feel, a lack of self esteem... And I have a tendency to do meta cognition as you called it - more often than not these days anyway. My question is though: when engaging in that process, where does someone draw the line between actually realising you've behaved or said something wrong; and just ruminating and believing everyone else's criticism must be right? How do you find that balance?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Ash Mofo, listen to what others say and then run it through your truth filter. If it resonates, make a plan for how you will deal with it. If it isn't relevant, go to the next item. When you find yourself just going over things, it is time to change the dynamics. Get busy with something else, exercise, and having someone you can talk to about it is so helpful. They can often figure out what is needed and where you are getting stuck.

[@Laura-we6xi]

Thanks a lot

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You are welcome, Amy L. Thanks for watching Live On Purpose TV.

[@nocturno5373]

😂😂😂 this is awesome thanks cuz I know this person who gets mad at me just because I laugh and assumes I laugh at her 🤣🤣🤣🔥👌

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Not a fan of assumptions, Nocturno. Glad you enjoyed the video.

[@terrywaldron5928]

Hi you are so right in what your saying after watching your video once and already I have been using what your saying and helps so much going to keep listen to it so I know it word for word thank you so much your doing so much great work oh and your funny lol Could you do you a video on ADHD I have 20 systems of it

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Terry Waldron, I have done a few on ADHD, check out the playlist. Also, if there is something specific, let me know.

[@terrywaldron5928]

At the moment I'm very hyper forgetful loss of memory talk to much and very loudly it's so amazing the work you do thank you from the bottom of my heart you would believe the help you have me already have me just at one video the breathing exercises is the best thing ever my defenseness is gone right down already ready and thank you so much for your time

[@jefflamoreaux682]

Makes sense to me. But then again, it is all about me, isn’t it?

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

You have a big part in the outcome.

[@estalitavanschalkwyk2873]

What if someone is defensive even when you say or ask for something good or nice and they flip it into something bad. I feel hopeless. The fight explodes because of unhelpfulness with rudeccommentscand sarcastic things

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

I am not sure who this is happening with, but it may be time for some counseling to learn how to communicate.

[@ct6852]

They're probably trying to force you to be the scapegoat or the villain in the scenario. If it's not accurate don't accept it.

[@coreybellamy1507]

Interesting

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thanks for watching, Corey Bellamy.

[@shyamsingh4143]

I watch ur video before breakfast. I lv u Great

[@LiveOnPurposeTV]

Thank you, Shyam Singh. Please share with anyone you think could benefit.