How to Stop Being Defensive in Your Relationships in 10 Steps - TWR Podcast #92

[@Nat2757]

I am very defensive. I did not know about this flaw until it was brought to my attention by my husband. It seems I have been defensive my entire life. However, I am usually not aware. If I am told not to do something, I will listen. If I am told that I did something that to me, I did not do, I will feel attacked and the need to defend. this is all very frustrating.

[@asyamaria7325]

I'm so glad, I found you guys. Y'all help me you get out of emotional absuvie relationship. With the tangligble useful tools to practice and language to describe my experiences. You're my favorite podcast on youtube right now. I watch all your episodes, Keep going! you're authencity has help me feel less alone. Love you guys

[@catangelcarpenter5390]

I didn't know it but what I thought were boundaries are walls. I have a very sweet husband. Five years. Great guy. However, hearing the same words again, why is this making you angry? Why are u snapping at me? You're being defensive, you're not listening, you're making associations to your past, etc. it is beginning to ruin this relationship. I've had too many. I decided to figure out how to not be defensive and found your video. It's made me realize that I am detaching emotionally and building walls and I am going to try to put this into practice. Thanks.

[@johntaylor7683]

John from UK. I have just discovered this channel and it’s like everything I have ever needed to know about myself and giving me insight in overcoming the issues I have carried with me and struggled with nearly all my adult life. The informal and sometimes light hearted real life approach is so refreshing. These two professional guys are sharing with us decades of experience and knowledge. If you need advice on improving your relationships then start by listening to what they are sharing and start with yourself and the need to understand yourself. I am going to watch the whole series in the next few weeks. JT

[@TheGato3d]

Very interesting and informative, thank you so much you guys. I really like your breakdown. I really hope that now that I know I get defensived and triggered from a lot of my pain "your wounded self, it's a skill building from that emotional level" so insightful, I really hope I can get better with my new relationship as this was not the case on my previous one. Self Awarness and mindfulness are so important, thank you you guys

[@jdavid118]

I just discovered this channel. Thank you. I needed this in my life

[@Anonytubous]

13:20 "I'm not having this conversation with you" is not a boundary in this context, yes. But. Your audience is learning, meaning, they don't know this yet, and don't know the full context (which in my opinion you provide, but I think that they'd need repetition and thinking over - not only hearing out - to connect the dots). I really appreciate that you mention confusing boundaries with defensiveness! This is so important. But I'd love even more if you said it in a way that can't be weaponized by a person who has low self-awareness. Because next time their "victim" puts a real boundary of being away from a person who just wants to pour toxic shit on them (which is totally valid, nobody needs to hear e.g. deflection about themselves), they will say "this is not a boundary, you just don't want to talk to me because you know you're wrong, you're defensive and avoidant / stonewalling". The problem with people with immaturity, or still insufficient self-awareness, is they easily pick up things like that and use it to support their defensiveness - to attack other people. It's so much easier than destroy this wall they've built - it's not them vs rest of the world. They are also outside the wall and need a huge amount of humility first before themselves to get through that. Otherwise they'll just use the information as bricks. Defensive people love deflection and mirroring. This is a manipulation that puts all their faults as a projection on the other person. And the problem is, the other person can't really straighten this, the blame is already devalued, word vs word. Trying to explain facts is pointless as they're already in a fight mode and want to crush you to protect their ego, and are reluctant to accept facts - because they usually can't self-regulate. They will use pseudo-logic as another brick if you bring that up. So. The 'victim' HAS to put a boundary of protecting themselves in contact with a defensive person. Nobody should be a witness to that nasty outburst. So when a learning "defensor" encounters this information, I'm almost sure they will use it against the person they're hurting. Because it's always 'the other person' who is wrong and doesn't want to accept that, it's always 'the other person' who never apologizes, always 'the other person' who lacks empathy etc. This is the definition of being defensive. It's a doom loop because when they can't swallow truth about themselves (first rule: protect your ego) and it's present, they'll just stick it to anyone else and project. Especially because of what you're also saying at 19:00, they don't recognize their feelings = they don't care what others feel, it means they have a potential of completely dismissing the other person, so even natural empathy (which evolved to keep us safe - in group) won't help here, it's a self-sabotage, they don't care if they hurt someone, all they think of is "don't take the blame, don't own it, don't take the responsibility". They'd rather train the other person to shut up and not speak up ever again, because this way they can't push their bullshit. They don't care if someone unheard, invalidated is miserable because of them, because it's not their feelings to face. It's so convinient just to ignore the fact people are anxious because of you, as long as there is no confrontation and you don't have to be challenged. If they fail at facts, they'll attack personally, anything to avoid owning up their stuff. They are a bad person, despite their pain, because they're choosing to be one. A bad person is someone who hurts others and does nothing to stop that because doesn't care about it. And they can choose to stop being a bad person, work on themselves. It's not so demanding to change your attitude and openly talk "I recognize I'm defensive and that it hurts you. I'm educating myself and trying to build awareness and eventually stop that". Costs nothing to break the "bad person" label. Seek feedback yes but also take initiative to do a follow up, be proactive, don't sweep things under the rug - apologize properly (validate how you hurt the other person, that you regret that and how you're going to fix it), for the past and every time you slip back. You've probably built a LOT of resenment in people and only changing your behavior won't fix that. I dare any defensive person to agree with "I'm a bad person" and go from there. I used to be one too.

[@eviegem7996]

I love you guys! You are awesome! Thank you for your wisdom

[@calebtheepic7164]

I recently found this page and holy what a gold mine. I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I had been doing okay up until a couple days ago and I started getting really depressed. Listening to your videos helped me understand my feelings better and also how to grow as a person. Thank you guys so much. Genuinely

[@sylviawest6819]

I have been looking for clear practical steps that feels like I can remain authentic and true to me to navigate relationship communication in a respectful way for both people for a while. I really appreciate that this is delivered in a way that projecting labels on the other person to justify defensiveness for our own wounds and our reactions is not used. Thank you for tools to get to the root cause of defensiveness that can have me empowered in all my relationship communication . PS the 'potty humour' feedback you mentioned- I love that way you both talk, keep the 'potty humour' :-)

[@jimv7945]

This is my 5th time watching different podcasts with these two wise gentlemen. I am learning and putting to practice many of the tools that really help me.

[@kadirdinman9077]

Learned a lot from you guys the last past weeks, many thanks. I was curious if you could do a postcast about ADD/ADHD in relationships.

[@brightprime4900]

Just found you two - watched 3 podcasts back to back - loving you!! So honest and so brilliantly human as you deliver such brilliant content! Thank you - I have many hours of listening to look forward to. Btw lmb 😂😂

[@Balloonbot]

Im not being defensive! You are!

[@stevezimmerman3472]

Thank you for this thorough break down. I've struggled with this in relationships my whole life and sadly it's taken this long to finally seek change with it. Will be watching your channel more often for more help with my relationship

[@barrydee2857]

If you read the comments, I say thanks for these channel. It’s refreshing and you say things in layman’s terms but also have excellent materials. Any episodes or links to ending a marriage with composure and no ill will.

[@IzzyReall]

Thank you guys so much for this! I am so defensive I felt defensive even clicking on this episode 😂. Thanks to you guys I am not in a better place to accept my wounds and heal from them

[@CliveRoberts-ly3eu]

Thanks guys. Love the party humor shoved in-between the lessons. I had to forward the podcast to my ex. HOPEFULLY SHE WILL TAKE YOUR ADVICE !

[@danettecook2709]

How do we approach or bring up to partner that they might really benefit from listening to this video on defensiveness without them getting defensive to me and causing a fight?

[@daisyoday4833]

Good question.

[@bryanwalls8180]

Don't listen to the haters guys!! U are spot on with the authenticity and realness its what people need . No point in pussy footing around the problem if u want real change. U guys are saving my relationship.

[@wastedpotential553]

Where’s the vids? Y’all literally saving my life rn 😂

[@NoKap.Fitness]

Wow this was so good! 😢

[@PaulSingletonTN]

For a podcast about not being defensive, it certainly felt like your response to the negative viewer comments was a significant amount of justifying and, dare I say, defensive. I really love the advice you guys give and I'm not knocking the content. I just feel like maybe you could have saved the viewer comment piece for a different podcast because it could lead to viewers having a harder time trusting the rest of the message. Just my opinion. Keep up the good work!

[@mikelee7582]

It didn't sound defensive to me. He validated the commenter's feelings and spoke his truth.

[@designpremier6457]

Thanks guys for ur wise words

[@tmango1906]

Come back to us!!!🤣 Its been 8 months of no contact guys

[@chelseahinojosa9609]

Just started listening. In desperate need of help with relationships. I'm stuck in the same toxic relationship. Different people same toxicity. So I'm the problem. Help me lol

[@13tsitsi]

Thank you for this ❤

[@estherjoy6236]

You do not have to use curse words and still be real and authentic!

[@GungaDinOrlando]

What if that's how they naturally speak? As they said, if a person finds someone else's speech offensive then an option is to simply not listen. They said "This is my authentic self", at which point I don't feel we should be trying to change them but simply decide on our own if the way that they communicate fits within the parameters of what we want. And if it does then continue listening. And if it doesn't then do not continue listening and that's a completely valid choice as well.

[@shaniquawhipple6413]

I'm very defensive

[@lwallace3842]

Defensive

[@garenkirk3770]

Yep, I'm out.

[@brotherbanks]

2:27 you’re attempting to teach us how not to be defensive, but you’re still being defensive! Thousands of people on KZbin try to teach us about how not to be defensive but to be honest it is impossible! Many people talk about defensive this and defensive that. What about offensiveness? Can you guys do a talk about offense versus defense? because it seems like that when I respond to someone’s concern they immediately say stop defending yourself! I Ameli have a feeling like, dammit you asked me the question and I answered it, but you didn’t like it! I think at this point unless you just say I see your point and I agree then you are probably being defensive,! But as soon as you disagree, you are being defensive, right?

[@melaniecastillo9786]

To be transparent.... My words would be I am an adult, I can word vomit and if you don't like it go away! I'm so tired of the opinions. Let's have a valid complaint based on truth and human morals

[@Love4kittens-Fostering]

You dont sound like a person anyone should have any sort of relationship with😅🤣

[@kibkac]

I don't appreciate how you opened this podcast. Iguess I won't be watching then.

[@ThePundit99]

Why are you vulgar? Using words like Dic*, a*s, in such a professional field is offensive. Just be professional and respectful.

[@spunkydunky]

Feels strange, hearing the word reality being used to describe emotion.