How to Stop Getting Breadcrumbed By An Avoidant

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In today's video, Thais Gibson discusses how to stop getting breadcrumbed by the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style). Watch now to learn more about breadcrumbing, the signs of breadcrumbing, and what you can do as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:06 - What is the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style?
00:01:50 - What Is Breadcrumbing?
00:02:45 - Is breadcrumbing always intentional?
00:03:29 - Signs of Breadcrumbing
00:05:07 - Reasons Dismissive Avoidant Breadcrumbs
00:08:24 - IAT Promo
00:09:17 - What to Do
00:12:53 - Course: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:13:34 - Conclusion
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #Breadcrumbing #WhatIsBreadcrumbing #AvoidantBreadcrumbing

[@storm4515]

I’ve been feeding ducks with these breadcrumbs

[@jaydrollins6875]

I swear the pigeons around my block have grown almost twice in size

[@garyforbes8711]

@@jaydrollins6875 LOL

[@robinlipert1477]

@@jaydrollins6875Sad but true.

[@robinlipert1477]

It’s awful

[@dl5054]

::work paused:: -always hugs for the loved one in my parameter if needed or wanted. Im always working. I’m not worried about being let down, I worry of letting others down more often than not. I would absolutely say yes to texting as our time and energy are valuable on both ends in my estimation. I personally only investigate myself to keep myself in check. I rely on a loved one more rich in knowledge on these issues to help me understand the more intrinsic traits of this dynamic. No chains nor rush, it is more of an educational walk with someone im interested in. Hope that helps , and shows at least some degree of vulnerability. Ps if your bread crumbing please feed the ducks by the lake away from the living areas :-)

[@cornwallismorgan874]

How to stop getting breadcrumbed: the avoidant does the work to stop breadcrumbing. The end.

[@tobytilsed5333]

also...TLDR: there is no way to FORCE somebody to stop breadcrumbing you - all you can do is articulate your frustration and your needs clearly; then have the inner strength to walk away when these needs aren't being met despite your clear communication. The trick here is to find a way to NOT BLAME YOURSELF for their perceived lack of interest because the moment they think you're codependent you're in for one hell of a rocky ride

[@trampersad1]

Definition of breadcrumbing is such a terrible thing to do to a person . Unconscious or conscious

[@kswissu72]

My dismissive used to send me photos of us together, saying don't we look good together. Then she would ask if I missed her! I noticed her words never matched her actions. In a whole month, we saw each other once. Then I decided this was no longer the relationship I was looking for. We had a phone conversation which involved me calling her behaviour out, and I ended the relationship. I removed her from all of my social media. I am much happier and am now dating healthy people who invest their time in me. More importantly, their words match their actions. Time is the most important gift you can give to anyone. If they don't want it, remove yourself and give it to someone who sees your value.

[@riverbilly64]

Great comment.

[@johnperhach2534]

I feel like as someone who has dealt with Avoidant’s the easiest thing to do is take a step back after a bit to look at things from high above. Reflect on their actions & things they have said over x amount of time. If shit seems off start detaching & distancing some, if they keep going in a certain direction, just walk away. Once you develop an understanding of avoidant attachment styles it isn’t hard to spot things that might otherwise go unnoticed by someone who knows nothing of AS’s.

[@shadowjfd]

Simple: Avoid the avoidant and problem solved 😁

[@qmanq]

Terrible take…there are different levels to each style. Avoid those that are not willing to recognize what they are and not willing to try and show up for you.

[@linnie14]

@@qmanq More often than not, they tend to make others miserable. True story.

[@shadowjfd]

@@qmanq so, almost every DA when they're not interested in you

[@emmadeofsteel]

1 in 4 people are programmed with this emotional impairment. We're screwed!

[@lerougelerouge716]

😂😂😂

[@tobytilsed5333]

Look this is really important and I hope Thais sees this too - I'm an Engineer. In Engineering, objects have what is known as a "mode" or a natural frequency. The mode is like a specific dance move, and the natural frequency is like the song that is being played to illicit that particular dance move. I suspect that individuals that stay in relationships have two modes...mode one is "I still see a long term future with this person" and mode two is"I don't see a long term future with this person anymore but they still serve some useful function that will elevate me" I believe that ALL of the confusion and contradiction...the reactionary dismissivity that can be seen in some of the comments of Thais' videos is because people have a big variation in how intuitive this is for them. Those that have no mapping of this terrain will not understand that a relationship is over when their partner has moved from Mode 1 to Mode 2...and cannot understand why they cannot get through to them despite communicating clearly, transparently and in good faith. And those that have an intuitive mapping of this terrain will be appropriately fearful and therefore reject any space for forgiveness post betrayal.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@tobytilsed5333 Though this video is about the DA, it strikes me that the strong nuclear force bears an uncanny resemblance to the FA's dynamics. At a certain distance, the strength of the force is massive, attracting; but as distance decreases, it inverts at a certain length, repelling instead. Too close, repels; too distant, attracts. Concerning the Mode 1 and 2 you mentioned, I think it is that the person is above the love threshold (because their partner has deposited units in their "love bank" by meeting needs) and so everything is coloured in a positive light. Mode 2 is that the person has dropped below the love threshold (because their partner hasn't deposited enough, i.e., met their needs, and has actually subtracted love units, that is, done things they're not fond of, crossed their lines), and everything is now coloured in a dark, negative light.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@GeoffreyAngapaboth analysis are good. Yet when you ask a DA what their needs are? They’ll say I meet my own need, what are needs etc. the DAs cup of love is much smaller than let’s say a secure or anxious persons cup. It can be filled by a phone call or meeting 1 time a month. Yet a secure person may want to meet 2-3 times a week to fill their cup sortaspeak

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@SK-no2pp That's true. I think the other partner needs to know from the start that these are the parameters of the situation, and either accept or leave it.

[@daniellehaythorne7949]

Responding to the original comment: That is cold. Not just the fact that a person would have those the two modes in the first place, but the recommended reaction to mode 2 is cold as well. But it’s an important thing to point out, because there are many people who operate like this, and so the recommended reaction to mode 2 is required. Compassionate, patient people need to watch out for people who think like that…they’ll get used, abused, and abandoned. What Thais described about pivoting and soothing another who’s in distress is key: once the person sees you’re in pain and doesn’t care, you’re in very real trouble. If they don’t care whether you’re in pain or not, they won’t hesitate to hurt you if they feel like it, for no reason at all. If that happens, follow the recommended reaction and get out, and stay away. It’s also important to point out, however, that there are people who don’t operate in these two modes. Those people may qualify for opportunities for change, forgiveness, reconciliation, etc. If a person is committed, and if a person is willing to do the work, return the favor and be committed and do the work as well. Don’t take them for granted, don’t abuse them, and don’t leave them without giving it a second chance. Some people stay committed and try to work it out even though things get complicated or very difficult. Those people are rare and wonderful. They don’t have a mode 2…don’t use a mode 2 on them. Try to seek healing and forgiveness. Sometimes cold people switch to mode 2 because they stopped investing in the relationship and started focusing on themselves or something/someone else, not because of anything you did. Great advice to be fearful and leave if you’re with a mode 2 person, and it’s very unfortunate that you were with the kind of person that would even have that 2nd mode as a possibility in the first place. It’s your responsibility to do what you need to stay in love, and it’s their responsibility to do what they need to stay in love.

[@tobytilsed5333]

@@daniellehaythorne7949 agreed. It's better to be cold and aware than naive and exploited.

[@fbnan]

My DA broke up with me 3 weeks ago by a text and I still can’t get over it. I couldn’t continue living feeling rejected, humiliated, getting anxious to not knowing where I was in the relationship.? My mistake was to fall in love from this single mother person and trying to build up something positive and healthy with her, I am a single dad also. I know I will survive but it feels like I don’t want to. I wish they could help to how to deal with this kind of grief or mental abuse from the DA people. Honestly I miss her but I am a true believer that she will heal one day, healing is possible.

[@saratonin_music]

I used to watch these videos as a partner of a DA and read all the negative comments and say “but MY DA wouldn’t do THAT”… But he did. After five years he broke up and got back together with me (with promises of a perfect life) three times over the span of two months and this last time I told him to not contact me again. Do yourself a favor… stay away from DAs.

[@katrinabernal4271]

OH MY GOSH!! I NEEDED THIS ANSWER TODAY!!! Synchronicity at its finest!! Thank you for all you do to help those of us that are dating a DA. It's a hard decision to stick with a DA as a secure person, but I'm really trying to.

[@SK-no2pp]

avoidant partner and feel that the emotional labor is imbalanced, it's crucial to reflect on why you might be willing to accept such a dynamic for yourself. Relationships are not supposed to be work - they are a refuge from work. They do require effort, but it's effort that ultimately deepens connection and uplifts you both. Instead of finding ways to tolerate the intolerable, consider if you are repeating patterns from your early attachment experiences. Do you believe you deserve a balanced, reciprocal partnership? Identity any limiting beliefs that might be causing you to settle for less, such as "I have to work hard for love" or "I'm not worthy of a partner who meets my needs." Consider the hidden rewards of always being the one initiating emotional support - does that make you feel needed, or more in control? If someone didn't need you, why would they love you? Understand that you deserve a partnership where emotional labor is shared equally. Look for relationships where mutual respect and reciprocity are present. These are the foundations of a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

[@ajgonzales2111]

Getting good will hunting popping back in my mind. Will is an avoidant.

[@Crissynxander]

Thank you for making this. 💖 I am a fearful avoidant and I just started talking to someone at the beginning of the month, at first it was great. I was interested in him, but I didn't feel attached yet. But, then I grew more interested. And I'm thinking that he is a dismissive avoidant and that scared him, in fact, he literally told me that it scares the crap out of him how similar we are. But then, he completely changed how he was interacting with me. No more good morning or goodnight (which I kind of thought it was too early for that anyway but fell into because it felt comfortable)... And now, I see he is breadcrumbing me and activating my more anxious attachment side... So, I am staying conscious and just staying away and focusing on myself and how I feel. But, not sure how or when to advocate for myself or even ask what the heck he wants from me or what he expects. But, I think the first step is taking care of my heart because this hurts(as you know FA are typically really sensitive about abandonment).

[@eileendom5858]

This is wonderful! Now I know what I did wrong in response to the breadcrumb from my ex DA. I went cold too, but I’m FA so of course I did. My question is if they are afraid to be open and trust being vulnerable, why do they get so angry at their partner for not being transparent and vulnerable? Especially if they aren’t really going to remain in limbo? My ex wanted my retirement information when he wasn’t talking marriage and was actually way closer to retirement? Angry with me because I refused to reveal and be that vulnerable. Gut feeling told me it wasn’t safe to do.

[@Gea6500]

This made me stop crying. Thank you for explaining and validating.

[@AM-wq2cz]

Such a good one

[@onecompetive]

You are an angel. I don't think we, people who plays fair, should chase these ones. When I met the one I loved, I was insecure. You helped me grow. Honestly I still love that one, but tired of so little.

[@Thatsher21]

Leave. You don’t need a 14 minute video to know what to do.

[@riverbilly64]

You’ll get the slow investment *for years*, off and on. DAs will start tossing out bits of vulnerability. You’ll get hopeful. In the end, they will leave you NO MATTER WHAT!

[@sheliasmith2884]

More like bird seeds

[@DavidMendoza-lq4kp]

Now I don’t know if I was in a relationship for 2 years where they weren’t even interested or a D.A…

[@daniellehaythorne7949]

States in the USA protect licensed therapists with laws that limit coaching. If it’s legal to do relationship coaching in your state, go for her program. It looks amazing.

[@mattaylor5817]

Never inflate their ego!

[@IsabelSmith31]

I want more videos for AP 😂❤

[@mmmlaugh]

Im not a fan and im anxious. I like men who act interested.

[@merlinator11]

Hi. Im a DA, my husband is FA. Im trying to heal, but some days I dont even know where to start. I've tried being vulnerable but that really didn't go well. I get the idea from my husband that he feels like Im breadcrumbing, but I don't do ot intentionally. He isnt very clear about his needs and it feels like everything I try is a shot in the dark that always misses the target completely and I feel like Im only making things worse. I've asked him to express his needs but I guess it's too hard for him to do as it is for me too. I spent my whole life feeling like I shouldn't have any needs, so now when I try to even find them, they're burried too deep and going through the exercises on your webpage just leaves me stuck there.

[@SK-no2pp]

Wow how did you guys even manage to get married. avoidant partner and feel that the emotional labor is imbalanced, it's crucial to reflect on why you might be willing to accept such a dynamic for yourself. Relationships are not supposed to be work - they are a refuge from work. They do require effort, but it's effort that ultimately deepens connection and uplifts you both. Instead of finding ways to tolerate the intolerable, consider if you are repeating patterns from your early attachment experiences. Do you believe you deserve a balanced, reciprocal partnership? Identity any limiting beliefs that might be causing you to settle for less, such as "I have to work hard for love" or "I'm not worthy of a partner who meets my needs." Consider the hidden rewards of always being the one initiating emotional support - does that make you feel needed, or more in control? If someone didn't need you, why would they love you? Understand that you deserve a partnership where emotional labor is shared equally. Look for relationships where mutual respect and reciprocity are present. These are the foundations of a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

[@maineoutdoorsman677]

Chandra this is ur attachment style,

[@kimlackey4135]

I wish you would put what type of avoidant the video is about in the title. I hate having to start the video and find out that it is about dismissive avoidance and not fear full avoidance. Thank you.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

When it's just avoidant, it's about the DA. Fearful avoidant is always specified in the title.

[@shadowjfd]

@@GeoffreyAngapa FA is still an avoidant. fearful avoidants also breadcrumb. she made a video about it a couple of days ago

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@shadowjfd Yes. In a way, this channel considers DA as the default avoidant, which makes sense, and the FA as a specialisation. From a programming point of view, the FA is a subclass of the avoidant (and anxious), carrying traits higher in the tree and adding a few more.

[@arankagionetti2098]

Jesus says in the bible love one and other ! You definitely not getting any from the avoidant ! not you not the children ! Stay a way from them!!

[@irenep8660]

I'm not sure if I'm avoidant, but I know one thing for certain. I would never spend my precious time texting and talking on the phone all day, because the other person feels insecure, needs to sooth through this method, or hasn't have anything else more important to do with their lives and wants to spend it on a screen. Personally, I prefer to arrange to meet face to face with the person like the good old days. If we talk all day, every day through texts and phone calls, what are we supposed to talk about when we meet up? Technology made relationships lose their essence. At least, in my opinion! Also... How is it possible to be vulnerable and know if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, when in the early stages of the relationship? Sounds completely unrealistic to me. And with so much toxicity, it would be naive to just... Jump! But those are just my thoughts...

[@tarkov666]

Except avoidants usually push people away and texting is the only way to actually talk...

[@mason9086]

I totally agree. It’s so frustrating trying to get this point across to the women I date without coming across like I’m uninterested/putting in no effort 😂 I think it’s so weird to expect someone to basically fill you in on every little thing that goes on in their day to day life, in real time, every day lol

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Exactly. I don't mind quick text or 2 a day or every couple of days, but I'd much rather catch up and have deep discussions in person. I don't feel the need to discuss my entire day on the phone. Agreed as well on moving too fast. I swear some date for 3 months and emotionally latch on which is never a good idea. Take it slow and give it a good 6 months to a year to feel each other out and another two to three years before considering moving in or marriage. I never understand the rush.

[@mason9086]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes In my experience people mostly rush when they feel they’re running out of time to get married/have kids, etc. and I guess I get not wanting to feel like you’re wasting your time with someone who ultimately isn’t looking to invest long term

[@mason9086]

But that’s where honest communication comes in

[@gymrachel]

Given excuses why not on their FB while theyve added other women on their page.

[@jordanlouie_]

Fuck bread. Eat rice.

[@samuelpayne5460]

She keeps saying “investing” in the relationship. From my experience, “investing” in a relationship means that you get an opportunity to have a larger honeydo list as well as you get to be emotionally close enough for her to feel safe enough to use you as a repository for her negative emotions as well as she gets to be mad at you if you don’t want to be used as said repository.

[@IanRoyball128]

I don't breadcrumb. I don't love bomb. I actually care about people. Yes, I'm a sporadic giver.. But, Being sporadic is natural, Especially when the recipient of this "sporadic" attention is always paranoid that they're being breadcrumbed or love bombed. As a sporadic giver, I can't give all my attention and love and support to a person who is too terrified to receive it. It's just not possible to be there all the time for a "sporadic" paranoid recipient. Believe it or not, The "sporadic" giver needs to eat sometime, The "sporadic" giver needs to watch television sometimes, The "sporadic" giver needs to go to work sometime.. As a "sporadic " giver, I can only give so much to a sporadic paranoid recipient. It's as if the "sporadic" giver becomes an overnight "breadcrumber" or "love bomber" unintentionally, Simply because they care about a sporadic paranoid recipient. That's as real as it gets. The "sporadic" street goes both ways.

[@SK-no2pp]

Being sporadic isn’t natural. Being consistent and clear is natural.

[@sifublack192]

Listening to this video gives me insight to how things develop on the woman's end when I'm dating them. While I certainly don't breadcrumb, I also don't text all that much, don't talk on the phone, or talk about commitment unless the woman brings it up first. I only use the phone for setting dates and have all conversations in person, which I suppose can be interpreted as breadcrumbing, especially because I only do dates during the week. Many times the woman would ask me things like, "how come you don't text that much?" Or "how come you don't take me out on weekends?" I always took these types of questions as her way saying she wants to be exclusive, so It's interesting to see what the woman may be thinking before that happens.

[@Healings_808]

Thanks for your point. The person I dealt with does exactly how you do it. I didn’t understand it. I’m strait forward and say what’s on my mind but still I feel like I need to always do the effort. It don’t seem reciprocated so I end up pulling back thinking they aren’t interested. But this goes in and out with us. I know the feeling are there. We take turns doing the pull away and contact. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@sifublack192]

@@Healings_808 I learned to do this to gauge a woman's interest level. It helped me see how a woman responds whilst keeping my expectations in check. Knowing that all I needed to do was take her on dates and have a good time took a lot of the pressure off. It's even how I treat my FA as of now. Though she's hinted MANY times at being in an exclusive relationship, she hasn't asked any questions pertaining to it so I continue to meet other women in the meantime (this despite the fact we've been good friends for 10 years and knew each other backwards and forwards).

[@pegbuckner5074]

@@sifublack192wowwww 😮how awful!!!!

[@sifublack192]

@@pegbuckner5074 awful to let a woman come to me at HER pace and let her decide whether she wants a long term relationship with me while I just focus on hanging out and having fun with her? My gosh, the bar truly is in hell these days...

[@donela6730]

@@pegbuckner5074 He clearly said a fearful avoidant. I've dated two different ones over the past year and they seem to be perfectly fine when things are casual-ish but as soon as you try to turn it into a stable and exclusive relationship they lose their shit. Some people (including women) are just like that, so let's not act like @sifublack192 is doing anything wrong. If she is ready/wants a real relationship she'll be clear about it. For now, she's just fine with the current dynamic.