How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone You Want

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Have you ever created an entire relationship in your head before going on a date with someone? Perhaps you’ve been texting with them for weeks and have already deduced they could be “The One,” or maybe you live for the two minutes of conversation you have with them before spin class.
Unfortunately, living in our heads in this way can turn into obsessing, and render us incapable of feeling excited about anything other than seeing or hearing from that person. In other words, they occupy a space in our minds they’ve not yet earned!
In this week’s new video, I share with you the mindsets that can both help and hurt you in dating, as well as the best way to determine if you and this person could really work out. Tell me what you think in the comments.
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[@glj1004]

I'm so embarrassed to admit how crazy I was when he doesn't even like me... I'm so so embarrassed...

[@Autumn-jz8bw]

We've all been there

[@Soul_Space_1331]

Oh that was me too! The important part here is ‘I was’ !! So it’s okay, we have progressed 😅😊

[@bellezanegra0206]

Don’t be. You’re obvi not alone.

[@AS-rx4tp]

They come back when you step away. The challenge is to say no. I’ve been there and I’ve said yes instead of no.

[@daliamunoz9347]

Me at one point But over it!

[@soniavejar1]

“The more you build up in your head the greater the collision with reality.” Lol omg. Yes!

[@thisiskindacrap13]

Yoooo wth, thats insane how much I can relate to that!

[@wlchen1395]

Heartbroken can heal, but wasted time won't come back.....so true! Thank you Matthew!

[@grace_fitness]

This is true

[@SumatraIslandGirl]

I experienced that now I regrets all the time that I wasted for him.

[@bundlewade]

That was one of my favorite parts of the video too.

[@ac8570]

Helt korrekt 😊

[@melissanewburn7314]

Ugh 11 years for me!

[@0verPar]

What kills me is when they are super involved and you fall for that person. The they pull away and play games but still give just enough to keep it going. If you call the change out you're needy, if you say nothing you suffer in silence and overthink.

[@annnee6818]

Avoidants... always fun...

[@rebeccaconn389]

This behavior is called “limerence” … it often happens when someone is going thru loss, pain or has not had their emotional needs met in past or present relationships … it’s a sign that this person needs healing and needs to learn ways to feel happy “now” and needs to address the wounds that are driving this behavior. I understand … I have been there ❤

[@sailing7777]

Can you please share how you got through it? I am in that stage now and it is killing me

[@VIDEOHEREBOB]

"Willing to discard the wrong people quicker." That is so profoundly true. Awesome Matt!

[@lindalin5998]

People need healing abd learning things, go out, working on our careers etc., not be in not real cyber relationships, looking someone inst.stories his exes etc. Its life wadting but school.

[@Todiros]

True but with the caveat that you might judge or get judged too quickly and unfairly.

[@annnee6818]

I left a situation where it started out really well with crazy attraction but then there wasn't even a mention of new plans for days and days and when I asked I got a vague answer. I called it out and got a vague promise which was never fulfilled. So I just cut contact. I knew it was the right thing to do but now I'm STILL obsessing over them "should I have swallowed their bullshit longer, maaayyybe it would have worked when of course it wouldn't. Aargh. You can't win

[@Kevti1127]

I think it’s important to note where this behavioral pattern comes from and heal it at the core. I believe this is the result of abandonment trauma. We are unconsciously attracted to people who are likely to reject us (or act so obsessively they will even if it wasn’t their intention). This is because by making someone avoidant commit to us, we heal ourselves by re-writing the memory of our own abandonment that happened long time go. And if you get intense feelings of attraction for someone early on, it’s often not a divine sign but a sign trauma bond. It’s a sign that this person is going to mirror our trauma back to us so we can finally realize the pattern and break it. And it’s always someone we perceive as a amazing and rare and that’s why it hurts so much when they reject us. However it has to be like this, someone who we’re not that attracted to can never make us evaluate our behavior and decisions. I am sure everyone who can relate to the story in the video has had a pattern of obsessing and very few, if not any normal relationships. And even if you get into one, it’s a constant fear of them leaving or finding you’re not good enough (again the abandonment trauma). That’s why the fantasy is good, no one can hurt or leave you there. And I bet the moment you find another love interest, you completely forget about the previous one, which only confirms you were in love with your imagination. So how to stop this? Heal the abandonment trauma. How? Apparently with meditation and shadow work which can’t say if they’re working, recently started. And create a life that makes you proud of yourself. The more lonely and boring we feel, the more importance we put on people who can bring us even little bits of excitement and we go full circle again. Wish healing to everyone ❤

[@tivvy6146]

Very wise. Get to crux of the biscuit. The Apostrophe 😉 Get down to causes and conditions.

[@kelliestrubinski5663]

Love, Love, Love your response here. We would be friends!

[@Kevti1127]

@@kelliestrubinski5663 Thank you Kellie ❣❣❣

[@krjsln]

I'm writing this message so I can re read this msg. It spoke to me

[@zaz4jaz]

Thank you this really helped me

[@Shelsal5000]

So embarrassed right now but I’m glad this is a thing and I’m not alone. Time to end this obsession 😅

[@miguelvelasquez1338]

It's difficult stuff, embarrassingly so 😅

[@vishnu2407]

It's a really embarrassing and difficult pill to swallow, but necessary 😅

[@eyeamphree3337]

You're very much not alone 😂 I could name several

[@buzzkill_official]

Happens to me all the time ngl

[@krishan8466]

There's this girl staying at the same college as me and I'm experiencing this exact thing with her man, it's really hard to shake but I figure I've gotta just stop thinking about her and find a way to talk to her more so as to get over the obsession😅

[@roboliver9980]

Just give them enough time to show themselves up for how little they value you and eventually both your head and hear will see it. Then you get enough closure to move on knowing you loved and they didn’t.

[@amandayorke481]

Hopefully though Rob, you won't have shredded yourself completely in the process. This time last year I finally drew a line under a relationship (online - my first and only! - put it down to pandemic isolation during lockdown) that caused me intense pain. The guy was a brilliant IT nerd working from home, a workaholic, completely amoral, unfortunately with a degenerative condition that is going to kill him. He cared ... as much as he could, I guess. We lasted a year. I should've drawn that line after 6 months.

[@pinkegg3179]

I really hope so. my head is very much aware of the fact that he didn't want me. my heart is still trying to hear it.

[@Autumn-jz8bw]

That sounds so much like what my therapist told me about living the relationships in my head cause it's safer and I can idealize them

[@SnehaSingh-ir6lu]

Why is this so true & heartbreaking at the same time?🥲

[@frenchtons9380]

This video is perfect timing. I’m the biggest obsessor

[@MimiBelvoir]

I was literally sitting in bed 🛌 thinking 💭 😅about a guy ( met once at a conference yesterday) as I saw this video popped up 😅. Perfect timing indeed 🎉🧡😂

[@jennalavena]

Sameee

[@anamikadongre5905]

Couldn't get any perfect timing

[@daraj.friedlander4069]

Ditto! We are all so caught up in 'what ifs'..we have to go live our lives...make it happen or break the cycle and move towards the REAL THING!

[@frenchtons9380]

@@daraj.friedlander4069 Ugh yes.. so many “what ifs” and wasted time. Six months for me.. at least Matthew helps us feel half normal

[@kstepk5003]

Best advice you gave; don’t invest in someone who hasn’t invested enough in you. Go for it, keep moving forward.

[@EFLDebate]

I can relate to that woman. I’ve been in situations where actually having the conversation is so daunting you feel like you’ve got to strategise it.

[@lindalin5998]

Haha everyone

[@Ardorstorm]

So real. Been trying to escape that for months or even years now, and at this point I'm so sick of regretting it when someone I like just disappears from my life without a chance to even talk to them that I'm warming up to the idea of just... going and finding out for myself, just like he said. It can be a lot harder to get through the anxious thoughts depending on your circumstances (for me, it's the fact that I'm gay and my interest is in guys, who I can't immediately know whether they're straight or not), but at some point you've gotta just admit that talking to them can't do you any harm, and you don't have to jump straight to asking them out.

[@dingdong436.]

Go find out, stop fantasizing, participate in real world… A great message! Thank you very much Matthew!!❤❤

[@tatjy93]

This video couldn't come up at a better time. I've realized pretty late and after a lot of hurt that I get emotionally invested very easily. What has helped me is really focusing on improving myself; life skills, self actualization, even journalling, and eventually I started paying less attention to the guy. Naturally when they see u distancing yourself, they try to come around but the best advise i ever got was to mirror whatever energy and effort they give you.

[@NC-dr6hs]

Well done.

[@winshensdivine]

am working on this now thanks for this self actualisation

[@eclipsechen7553]

Love this one: stop guessing, stop assuming, stop fantasizing, stop future projecting. GO FIND OUT.

[@ranikster9955]

The obsession will go away after 3-5 months...trust me I know. I was obsessed with someone for over a year, he really got under my skin and going anywhere without him, like gym, it felt like I had lost an arm or and a leg...and then all of a sudden I met someone else

[@liodemirror1775]

This gives me hope

[@thisiskindacrap13]

Got out of a 4 years relationship and I really thought it would end me.. However, that break up was not even 2 months ago and I can honestly say im doing okay/good. Started going to the gym and meeting up with family and some friends. Only thing that still "hurts" is being home alone. Because the house I live in is the house we wanted to start a family in. And now that house is just an empty shell with only me in it. (Very dramatic :P ) im doing okay..

[@kiks399]

Try 10 years, on and off, stalkig away seeing him break up and come back with his current girlfriend... A guy from High School... The pandemic made made my obsession worse... I deleted Instagram from my phone. I feel so much shame now it's exhausting.

[@nightmareoracle]

Took me three months to get a person COMPLETELY out of my head. I would be so proud of myself for only thinking about him three times a day, down to two times, then down to once a day, then finally I would only think about him a couple times a week. It takes time and retraining of the brain

[@saacidhussein4655]

For sure time will heal all wounds

[@glittertoast7159]

I do this with the men I date-fall very fast. Go all in. Just obsess and look at things through rose-colored glasses. I have to break this cycle.

[@LeeChrissy]

Try the Relationship Autopsy on KZbin. I did it yesterday and it was pretty enlightening on why I am the way I am in relationships.

[@glittertoast7159]

@TN Absolutely 💯!

[@glittertoast7159]

@@LeeChrissy I will! Thank you!

[@glittertoast7159]

@AliSand I'm so exhausted-waiting for the inevitable breakup. I'm choosing these men over and over again.

[@53c3000]

Our creator built us this way - when we obsess over our fantasy person our brain releases pleasure chemicals that excite and bring us incredible good feelings. That’s why we do it and also what makes it hard to stop.

[@behnazb6724]

I love this episode. Fantasizing is dangerous. We don't talk enough about limerence and rejection sensitivity. I find the real struggle may actually be rooted in allowing someone's NO to derail us from our authentic truth. It's authentic to express our truths. We gotta build our courage muscle just as we would build any other habit. This is an important one. It's vulnerable and courageous to take aligned action. But even then we could hear other's NOs. There's a possibility for both. And it's important to remember that is not failing at relationships. It's doing relationships justice and courageously moving on together or apart. But moving on anyway.

[@rs5570]

Yeah. Im so hurt right now I should see a therapist. It’s ridiculous.

[@austinroberts6229]

How are you 4 months later?

[@glitterpenguin]

​@rs5570 hope you're doing better these days! ❤

[@buda2049]

“We are the Person we take to every situation”.....this is so powerful

[@mystica_viventem]

''The heart can repair, the thing they never get back is their time.'' - i really needed this. Thank you.

[@ContemporaryOracle]

Let go, be in a state of non-resistence and if they want you they will not be gone too long if at all. Focus on yourself. 🌸🌸🌸🌸

[@mandolaa4855]

Exactly!!

[@blueberrycream2471]

Oh wow.. Yeah I totally understand this person from your story.. 5 years ago I was working at a coffee shop and one morning a gorgeous marine police officer came to drink a coffee. I never was interested in our clients but the looks he was giving me and smiles were a little different from other client's usual polite ones. Haven't thought about it much but next day he came again even tho there were a lot of other coffee shops much more near the beach he worked on. He kept coming every single morning for a week so even my colleagues started gossiping that he's coming because of me. One day I was doing a night shift and he even asked my colleague about me, if it's my day off cause i'm not there. In my mind I had already all this love story cause the stares we shared felt so "intense" (can't even explain it) even tho me and my colleagues were kinda "why the hell he's not asking for your number or something like this, he couldn't be more obvious about being interested in you. I was a little shy to ask it myself so I was waiting while fantasizing with this man who's coming every morning all the way here. Well one morning he came even before the shop was officially open but I said that he can come in and made him coffee while sitting on a table preparing things for the day. He sat on my table drinking his coffee and talking to me. Then even tho I was pretty sure he was single because of all this little "signs" or his strange behavior compared to other clients during the week, I still asked- So, are you single? - to what he responded that he was not, that he has a girlfriend that's in another part of the country. . . . Well, I can't explain how stupid I felt for all this love fantasy scenarios in my head all this days and going along with my colleague's gossips about us. Omg I felt so embarrassed but well, who to blame about it if not my vivid imagination. And yeah, not that it was only my imagination because he actually asked for my number that day and guess he was taking this long while thinking if it's a right thing to do or not while in relationship.. -.- Anyway, I just learnt that next time something like this happen that I should just take a risk, go for it quicker and sooner ask if the person is single or not to don't waste my time fantasizing about thing that can't even happen cause men in relationships are not something i'm interested in.. But it was a little bit insane to realize that I was feeling all this "passion" and made this "love story" JUST because of the way we looked at each other. Good to know that i'm not the only one who had this crazy feeling out of nothing.. 🥲

[@Maria-kh2bd]

Same thing is happening to me right now lol

[@JessicaMccreery]

I was dating someone for a few months that I absolutely adored, and he adored me. It was very passionate. My obsessive need to look at his social media actually lead me to find out that he was already in a serious relationship, and I was the "other woman" 😅 Ended that quickly, and let her know, but to this day I haven't ever felt quite the same for someone as I felt about him.

[@AP-gg7ep]

Fuuuuuuuck man I'm so sorry this happened to you. How shitty. I find it so astounding how you can be so taken a back by someone who is clearly a bad person. The sound of their laugh, their charisma, the personality and humor. Enraptured fully by a complete an utter turd of a person. Something happened similar to me recently and I am terrified of dating now.

[@JessicaMccreery]

@@AP-gg7ep Yeah. It’s been really rough! You took the words right out of my mouth… And even after I told her, she decided to stay with him. So I also have to live knowing that he gets to stay with her, no consequences, as if I never existed. 😔 I look for pieces of him in every man I date but no one compares, even though he was a horrible person!

[@AP-gg7ep]

@@JessicaMccreery Oh Jessica, that fuckin blows. And the fact that he gets to stay with his girlfriend is nauseating. She's in for a world of hurt. This is when I wish witch craft was real! 😂 I would be swinging that black candle! 😆 I want to tell you, you deserve REAL love and connection not something that is false to confuse you so the guy can use you at his convenience. Unfortunately, you will run into conmen throughout dating and some are so clever that you won't know there true colors for a long time. But eventually, you will see it and no matter how much time and energy you have invested, WALK AWAY. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for walking away from him even though it hurt sooooo much. Dude if you want for me to share my story because it's similarly fucked up and hilarious just let me know.

[@buhkaw]

@@JessicaMccreery lol you could just be moronic. Maybe he’s in an open relationship 😂

[@Mayfloweralways]

@@JessicaMccreery people like that, they study you and become what you would fall for. So just realize that he was an actor and when you meet another guy, he’s really being himself and you’ll love him for that- for being real

[@JulzMuya]

The explanation for this behavior from a trauma perspective is this. It all boils down to patterns of behavior repeated over and over from childhood wounds of abandonment and neglect. Children who spent their time fantasizing about the absent parent exhibit this sort of behavior. The truth is, they had a very positive view of their absent parent or emotionally unavailable parent but when they came face to face with the real life person, they were disappointed because the parent wanted nothing to do with them or they were continously hurt even when they pursued a relationship with them. So they continue this behavior in adulthood which doesn't serve them any good. As adults we have tools for communicating our needs and wants. We just need to heal and discover healthy ways of telling people what we think and feel. It would be helpful to take your clients through trauma healing and this behavior will stop. I can totally relate to this video.

[@NC-dr6hs]

The only good thing I get out of my „obsession“ with a guy I met 5 months earlier is that thinking about him gives me positive energy, and I think it is making me look better, better than I would look if I obsessed over negative things. I feel it gives me that certain inner „sparkle“ necessary to attract someone, that shows that I just live my life happily. -But I secretely whish I could meet him again and at least put an end to my obsession just by noticing he might not be as great, good looking or friendly as I remember him.

[@WhoSfgas]

,, " is terrible. Stop using them, please.

[@SilverSunPublishing]

This is very insightful. Also, People, remember something just as valuable: While you are creating a fantasy person in your mind, you are unable to SEE the REAL person. Even if you get to know them, you may still be creating that fantasy, and making excuses for them at every turn because you cannot SEE the real them. Be very careful if you fall into this hellish trap.

[@the2ndcoming135]

I just know that Slavic energy sounding a little different with freedom right about now😆

[@AP-gg7ep]

You are correct! But now I'm so skeptical of men when they do or say something sweet. I don't trust it or believe it anymore.

[@lindalin5998]

Long ago I found one doctor like that. Shame. Was Young

[@mooseyman74]

Yes, currently obsessed with someone that ticks all the red flag lists, like a dope

[@summermendes6]

That story at the beginning was way too similar to something I just experienced a month ago, it was scary accurate. I exchanged looks with this guy at my gym for days In a row and I found him really attractive, my next step was either going to ask the front desk about him or approach him directly. But the next time I had saw him he came with a girl and I felt crushed in that moment and it literally felt like a breakup in my mind like you said and I was like why? all we did was exchange looks and smiled at each other we hadnt even had a conversation yet! I needed this video. I'm glad I don't feel alone now.

[@Maria-kh2bd]

Me too! Lol

[@lswain1073]

I think it's helpful to also consider the reasons why we obsess. I can obsess over someone I don't even like - yes, really! Am I subconsciously afraid of intimacy? Do I have a fearful avoidant attachment style? Do I crave validation? These things aren't necessarily resolved by 'finding out'.

[@fashionablyearlier134]

Gosh..you have no idea how much this resonated with me. I am a fearful avoidant and the way i obsess is ridiculous.

[@andreal.1666]

Yes! Fantasy in Dating and relationships isn‘t so bad! It is normal and necessary! It can protect your Body and Soul and is part of your mental wellbeing! Fantasy is part of your own inner reality. You have to check it out and going in to contact how far your inner reality comes in relation with other people (and their fantasies). Obsession is something else. Don‘t forget to make the difference!

[@lindalin5998]

We are more lonely today and often find this kind of cyber not real relationships , waiting, dreaming looking someone instagram ,his exes instead have real life, study , heal, learn, working on our career, go out etc

[@dinner-at-the-diner]

​@@fashionablyearlier134 me too. I watch Thais Gibson. But any resources you use/know about would be welcome!

[@i_want_my_mtv]

I work with him, and I’ll never mix workplace and dating. If something serious ever grew, somebody would have to transfer out. It’s so unprofessional. Repressing strong feelings at work unfortunately seems to lead to this fantasy thing as I try to squash the feelings back and stick them in the corner. Creative mind is like “fine go ahead and ignore those, but I’ll be over here planning your future together” 🤣 It’s deeply annoying, and the struggle is real. Doubling down on me and my reality must be the only option to keep grounded and move forward. What a bizarre situation.

[@Ymirheim]

I went on two dates with a girl after chatting for a month. She was really interested in me before we met. But I made the mistake of dating her while I was in an anxious and lonely place. I came on too strong and wasn't confident on our date. She agreed to meet once more even though she "wasn't convinced I was her type". I did a little better but still came on way too invested. She broke it off. I barely knew her but the potential I saw in that short amount of time, combined with knowing that I could have acted differently and never being able to know what could have been has left me absolutely crushed. I barely knew her but she left me more heartbroken than breaking up with a girlfriend of two years prior to that. It's so weird.

[@DangLao]

Two dates better than 2 years or 20 years. If she says it's a no go it's a hard no. I'm wait and try to be a good friend I don't know what to do either that's why I'm here ha ha 😅

[@rarazegh992]

Omggg u can't imagine how OBSSESSED I am over a guy that i find extremely hot, i feel like he's my type and that everything in him is perfect and he's the one and i'm never finding someone like him(tho i barely know him).. today i kept thinking about him THE WHOLE DAY and didn't do any productive thing at all, i also try to be around him as much as possible and keep stalking his photos, i am so obssessed that i can't stop thinking abt him or stalking him and i feel like a creep (specially when i take the roads that he takes or keep waiting for him to pass by just to see him for extra minutes), I'm tired of my obssession cuz it's killing me and waisting my time :'(

[@qtredhead]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, it’s been very physical - we chat daily - but it’s not as often as I’d like it to be and because of that I’m building up fantasies around him

[@zarahill6942]

I’ve been guilty on living in fantasy world one too many times.. time for reality😂

[@Muhamad3mad]

Watching this because of someone is a form of being obsessed with that person

[@franziska_nocturna]

Dude, that was a whole lot of calling out... but I think I needed that. Thank you.

[@willchang8366]

So true. I wasted more than 3 months to fantasize a guy who is in a relationship all the time.

[@MadameJohnnyDepp]

I ❤️his west side story act! I thought there would be drama and I can't believe the girl never even spoke with him at the gym and became obsessed.

[@stardresser1]

"No points in life for winning in the fantasy world"...AAAAGGGHHHH! TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN! thanks so much. This is very a valuable lesson.

[@lillyshaliya6432]

This video is so on point!! I can totally relate to that scenario..it's embarrassing to be in this spiral of phantasies in your own head and not being able to control yourself. And then judging yourself and putting yourself down. Constantly. A receipt for wasted time. Thank you so much, Mathew ❤️ although I somewhat knew it all I needed to hear that.

[@ActionPills]

💪 Don't get too obsessed too quickly 💪 Spending too much time and energy on someone is unproductive. 💪 Overthinking potential partners can lead to wasted time and emotional pain. 💪 Fantasizing about someone is a waste of time when looking for love. 💪 Don't waste time fantasizing, discard wrong people quicker to find love faster. 💪 Avoidance of real life due to fear of rejection 💪 Fear of disappointment and reluctance to engage with life can hinder relationships. 💪 Upgrade your operating system to achieve better results in life. Thanks Matthew for the sharing ^^

[@Octoberstorm333]

Having such a good connection with someone and a few dates that were sooo great and they meet your standards and they admire your mindset…then boom they went cold and I stopped hearing from him. It was soooo sudden no indication no red flags indicating this. I feel slapped to the ground so bad because I have been single since 2018 working on myself and I thought I finally met a future best friend or future partner. They seemed interested too. Wtf man, I was rooting for you! Now I feel like I enjoyed them too much, I mean me and this person would talk until the restaurant kicked us out. I feel like a clown falling into the idea that something was happening and being so happy I found someone who consistently spent time with me and looked like they enjoyed it just as much. Now I have to shake off all of those wonderful memories and grieve. This actually hurt me and makes it feel like a fever dream that this all happened the past couple of months.

[@a.d.7922]

he got scared of your intense emotions

[@ozinii]

This is how I am with my ex. I just can't stop thinking about him. It's been a year since the break up and no contact and I still think about him all the time. I hate it. I distract myself as much as I can but I always end up thinking about him after. I stopped crying about him at least but I hate that I still think about him.

[@addyzee1335]

When you sleep with a man you end up getting a soul tie. You will need to break the soul tie. A deliverance pastor will be able to help you.

[@s.elizabeth1753]

How are you now? I'm like this aswell. My ex came back though and he's giving me attention again but we aren't dating... He's dating someone else. I'm the other women now. I should cut him off but I can't. I've never met anyone like him 😭😩

[@amandasayers7973]

I feel your pain. Mine comes back every 2-5 years and I just long for him in between.

[@sonofage]

@@s.elizabeth1753 this reminds me of a girl i was pursuing. I realize that no matter how hard i try and whatever slither of interest she had for me, i couldn't dethrone her ex in her mind. even when she decided against us dating. she said, I never met a man that sacrifice a lot for me like you did, but as much as i hate to say it, my ex was right, i am a different person when i date and i like what we have here. I was basically giving her the boyfriend experience without the subscription tbh. I said no and it's been a week now. I'm looking around now myself because she made me realize it's not worth holding on to someone when you got potentials out the gate. to me, her loss, because damnit, i know i am a catch. she's stuck on an ex that has married another woman. i also found out that her ex's wife, took up korean class and now, she does too. man, red flag. I hope she gets back up and actually go for therapy but I spend months on her. almost 9 months and whilst i was doing that, I tried going for other women, but I was stuck on her in my mind. truth is, they're there because we allow it, we nurse the thought, we meditate on their person. it's time to let go off childish things and find that mature relationship. prior to this, last time, i did waste 5 years for a girl , that was pure limerence . only difference was, i did date and ended up single because at the back of my mind, she'll be with me. idk what romantic movie i believed in but it really felt like a nightmare on elm street. I did end up with another girl but i feel it was a rebound and we didn't last beyond a year. back of my mind, i went for that girl because she was hotter than the girl i like and that girl was kinda jealous and I know, petty. I was in a dark place after that, did stupid things with women. didn't like it overall and felt that where i am at now, i'll never get anywhere if i continue. someone said to me, you can do all the right things to the wrong person and get nothing and if you do all the wrong things with the right person, you get somewhere. Matt here said he went out and such, and i'm doing that now. i haven't found anyone but damn, i do feel a lot better

[@Hanemisu]

This came just in the right moment when I am indeed to caught up with someone I wanted, trying to get away from it so this video was on point for me! Thank you!

[@nocte.animam]

Limerence is really rough. I'm currently at the "ends up he has a girlfriend" stage, trying to let go and find closure to the escapism fantasy that he was.

[@ilonapsiuk1078]

Never ever have the words slapped me so intensely as on this occasion. You will get the heart back ,but not the time. This is so obvious, yet it's been only empty words till now. Somehow U've put it in such a light, that made me wake up finally (not only in the romantic/relationship context). Thank You!

[@MssM38]

I think as women we do that because we really want him to approach and talk to us. To make the effort and let us know he likes us as well. We stop there and just imagine things with him but we in my case I would be scared to make the move! 😄😄

[@LG-rw6zf]

This is powerful. You can’t get time back, relationship with fantasy is easier and the more you build in your head, the greater the collision with reality are all true.

[@hristoaleksandrov7929]

This man here Matthew is a life saver ! God bless you.

[@mathildagustafsson8700]

Absolutely brilliant as usual ✨️ You always enhance the innate wisdom we all have inside, remind us of it in a very gentle and helpful way. Thank you! 🙏

[@cindyjames1167]

Thank you dear man and team! This energy will free us individually to actually create what we long for and also release enormous energy to serve the world. To be able to created sacred loving partnerships where we can collaborate with, enjoy & uplift each other, YES, let’s go for that, starting with the partnerships with ourselves. So much love, power and blessings to everyone.

[@jb7670]

Dealing with a small heartbreak at the moment. I really appreciate this channel. Thank you

[@nessamonster6581]

Oh man I can relate so much to this…not over a stranger though. It’s usually people I already have a friendship with or have already dated. ITS SO ANNOYING! My brain fantasizes way too much for my liking… that’s why I’m always watching KZbin or listening to podcasts when I can 😅 it’s just so I can get outta my own head! Ugh life lol

[@kiks399]

Have you tried Yoga? It's great for that.

[@denisejaydub]

I listened to matthew when I was single - and i’m still here now that i’m married :) hes so spot on with everything he says that i still like to listen to his knowledge about human behaviors!

[@coastiebabe3438]

100 percent my best friend taught me this. He was just there, he is not the one. Don't think of him again until you see if he invest. I have totally learnt this. Keep moving unless they attempt to build with you. A man who wants to build with you will ask you and let u know it's more than sex.

[@noserialkiller3596]

It's tough to accept reality, that someone you like simply doesn't like you. Self-respect isn't easy in this situation but it's necessary. And U feel some empowerment in not demeaning yourself over a person who will never love you. No Serial Killer.

[@PushPastParalysis]

This makes so much sense. I’ve done this for so long. Not the extreme of stalking and weird stuff but I’m in my head a lot, even with the road blocks. But when I do flirt I get friend zoned lol. Or it’s seen as cute and brushed off. So that’s how it started.

[@punk86]

I have a lot of trouble doing this. Especially when they talk to me. I usually think about that person for a while, and end up never taking a chance. This time I'm actually going to take the chance, the next time I see her rather than just daydreaming about her.

[@mesab123451]

Fantasy is something I do all the time when I meet someone .. I needed that , many thanks

[@Maria-kh2bd]

Me too!

[@westminsterwatcher5152]

I'm going through this right now, and it hurts like hell! So thank you Matthew! This video really has helped make things clearer for me!

[@deen1671]

„Life begins outside your comfort zone“ - Love Life as well ❤ That‘s what I believe in

[@wesnideedouard5230]

This is my fav Matthew Hussey video ever! Straight & to the point!

[@amandafonza1147]

Sometimes the same thing happens after a relationship. Thank you for showing me why it's important to just let things go..either way:)

[@Tercurnich]

The timing of this video is just impeccable

[@elinakeranen4499]

"I'm just a person who needs to build friendship slowly!" Yeah, your viewpoint is healthier.

[@amitshirazi5285]

This video is a turning point in my life. Thank you so much Matthew!

[@meesamagill1193]

Watching this as I know I have become obsessed with a guy at my gym and am trying to stop myself fantasising

[@chewemanase3345]

Time wasted can not be gained back- participate in real life. Be willing to go through the refining process of getting results but you need to get out of your head first Thank you so much Mathew, this is more for a fuller life than just love life.

[@chocolatehoover6592]

For 5yrs I've fantasised and finally got that no this week. Devastated but hoping to move the friendship onto to something grounded in that reality

[@ericsohn9133]

wow, 5 years... i didn't even know that was possible

[@genomeara6922]

This is SO helpful, thanks Matthew! I’m a fun, busy, divorced 67 year old, who would love a committed, loving relationship but (I think because I’m conscious of time ‘running out’) I keep doing this!

[@victoriaporsiempre]

time “running out” for what? age is just a number! enjoy your life without thinking about that! cause in doing it so you are really gaining more time

[@Indite_Biden]

@@victoriaporsiempreThat’s so sweet of you. 😊

[@positivevibes1306]

I have done this for years to the point now my head hurts and I feel sick. I found some disappointing things online and from ppl too. But still i obsess- i don’t even find him attractive but there was a connection which I can’t shake. I’m so annoyed with myself because it’s taking too much energy😤 my mind hurts • Grateful for this video

[@positivevibes1306]

Also, I think we seek the hurt on purpose to try and find negative things about the person so we can try and stop obsessing

[@laurafedora5385]

I’m kind of stuck in this right now. I’m crazy about this great guy, but he’s engaged, so a dead end road for me. It doesn’t help that he’s a huge flirt. I don’t think he means anything by it, he’s just a really funny guy who’s a bit cheeky.

[@AS-rx4tp]

Matthew, thank you so much for this video. I’ve been watching you and other coaches on KZbin for about 12 months. But, this video really resonated with me. You touched on some really deep stuff here. It has helped me enormously. Thanks again. 😊

[@pranjalideshmukh4504]

this was soooo relatable 😭😭. wish this was uploaded couple weeks ago when I was in this very situation and going through a hard time

[@josearistizabal1015]

Goddamnit, such a freaking easy thing... and I'm just now realizing it, realizing that all I've been doing was just living a fantasy, one that never got anywhere.. I'll ask them this Wednesday and I'll share what happens, seriously thank you.

[@Andrea-Rose]

So good! Thank you for this helpful reminder 🙏🏼

[@dotexe4981]

I've been obsessing over someone for like 6 months, and when I finally went on a date with her I was only focussed on trying to make her like me, cause I already loved her, that it looked like I lacked confidence and she told me that's why she didn't want to go on a second date again. Me obsessing over her ruined it while she was the prettiest girl I ever seen (not exaggerating, including models/celebs etc.) and we shared the same very specific taste in things.

[@kedbjrxc7499]

I never thought that hearing something i already know from someone else would help this much.

[@donnamaree3047]

Thanks Matthew💙your advice is real ..great communication method and depth of circumstances explained

[@user-ks2bp7jl7x]

Great video, Matthew! And it doesn't apply only to relationships; your advice works on every new life experience that we could avoid out of the fear that it might not work out! Thank you!

[@dominikaandre1128]

End the fantasy, participate in real life! Love this... LOVE you man. THANX FOR BEING HERE!

[@ritikaassudani1601]

Matthew, I can't thank you enough ever❤ You have changed my whole perception, I have learned so much in these last two months after a painful betrayal and this video came at the perfect time! I listen to your podcasts, watch your videos, and I can't tell you, how much you have helped me pull from that dark hole I was in two months back! I owe you big time ❤

[@priyankadeyray243]

I feel you, he has done a lot for me as well. I call him God

[@isabelvillalta451]

Totally agree, he has greatly taught us how to manage in our love life

[@ritikaassudani1601]

@@priyankadeyray243 He is too good! Whenever I crawl back and get hard on myself, I listen to him. He is so positive and has such an impact. I hope you are doing well ❤

[@ritikaassudani1601]

@@isabelvillalta451 He surely has ❤Much love to you...

[@ritikaassudani1601]

@Jeremi Walewski Thanks Jeremi ❤Hope you are doing well and safe..

[@Ugaritic]

Thank you so much, I need to get him outside my head as soon as I can since I'm such an introvert & taciturn who doesn't have the balls to even talk to him, I don't wanna waste any more time conjuring up imaginary scenarios in my head that I know are very unlikely to happen. it's rather frustrating, but it's been taking a toll on my mental health and college education.

[@_GN-gy9li]

Thank you so much for going over such an important topic, I have struggled with this so much, not only when approaching/starting out with someone, but also after being together with them for months, even years sometimes. These are the types of videos that I wish more dating and romance advice would focus on.

[@Ycg744]

Doing a bit of homework BEFORE you date someone is also more important than people think. Especially for women, I didn't do my homework and ended up being talked about in a KZbin video...hands down one of the worst experiences of my life. And he had the audacity to write me again

[@ConfessionsofaDivineFeminine]

Thankyou for delivering these hard truths with so much authenticity and my favorite part humor. The charismatic jokes in between the hard truths are really delightful when coping with trying to achieve the healthy mindset you’re spinning.

[@nicolajane3968]

“We are the person we take to every situation..” that made me laugh out loud. Oh god it’s YOU again! 😂

[@danielanmk]

Matthew, you always give the best life advice. Thank you so much!

[@EastCoastShorts]

This is my favourite channel. I especially like it when you explain everything so nicely. I wish you a lot of success with the channel and happy life.

[@A_Negative]

Matthew, you’re so sophisticated. I’ve learned so much from you that has tremendously helped me improve my perspective on love and I am so grateful!

[@Fireweeds]

That was one of the most powerful and useful presentations for me! Wow! Although, I’m by no means close to that person’s challenge, I’ve done my share of fantasizing and this video just hit the spit. But more than that - it changed my perception of life in a broader way; esp the concept of the river and going around rocks with ease. As well as looking at my mind as an OS that needs upgrades :) Many thanks, Matthew!

[@sheesheney]

This... I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts about this. I've been dating this person for a few days and I can't seem to get him out of my mind. Even though I may appear cool on the outside, that does not mean that I'm not obsessing over him, and I realized that I need to work on this obsession of mine as soon as possible because I don't want the other person nor the people around me to suffer because of it.

[@elisa_06]

Such inspiring words. Thank you very much 🙏🏼❤️

[@meryemLux]

Matthew you’re genius ❤ Thanks for this wake up call You never fail to tell me what I should listen to 😊

[@MarianaTraxel]

Love your summary at the end.🥰

[@nickel9962]

I’ve rarely, very rarely, felt this called out

[@linfrommdl]

Thank you, you saved me. 😢

[@victoriamitchell6240]

This came just in time for me! Been hung up on a guy for over a year now after a fairytale night in Greece on the beach. I had thoughts of facetime chats and eventual trips to see each other followed by nights of passion...only to have him finally tell me last week I was too old for him to date but we could DEF hook up bc I was great in bed...I've been crushed since then. It sucks feeling like this but o know its bc of the delusion I built in my own head.

[@miniskotti]

I can totally relate. Had this magical time with a guy in Edinburgh this spring and when I got back home. He just ghosted me after leaving one last Message. I have been thinking about him ever since. I am also in an open marriage and I have questioned the choice I made in my longterm mate over and over again, because the connection with the other man just felt otherworldly.

[@victoriamitchell6240]

@@miniskotti its crazy how quickly a connection can be made and it FEELS so strong. I guess its the great deceptor

[@miniskotti]

@@victoriamitchell6240 yes, so deceptive. And not having any closure is really hard on me, but at the same time I’d probably meet up with him if he were to ever reach out. Makes me feel like a huge looser. I deleted his contact to protect my sanity.

[@victoriamitchell6240]

@@miniskotti I know I'd jump if he showed interest and that's the WORST...I called myself stupid everyday for that

[@miniskotti]

@@victoriamitchell6240 I try not to judge myself or at least I catch myself doing it. It’s situations like these, where I feel „silly women“ is just the truth.

[@amber4027]

Matthew is just so brilliant. Thank you for your work in all areas. You always make me think :)