How to Stop People Pleasing (Know Your Boundaries) | LITTLE BY LITTLE

How to Stop People Pleasing (Know Your Boundaries) | LITTLE BY LITTLE | Fr Columba Jordan CFR

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Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 153

@V.C.R.11 Ай бұрын

I used to struggle with this till i heard a priest whom i admire a lot saying that he used to struggle with it too until he understood that we're commanded to love our neighbour but the only person in the whole universe we need to please is God. Couldn't get more clear. When you start practicing detachment from creatures you start realizing how many toxic habits or even sins take place in the dinamic of pleasing people, and how egotistical are the deepest motivations for it.

@michaelorsini9695 Ай бұрын

There's actually a great freedom to saying no. And it gets easier to do the more often you practise it.

@kthmrc..3460 23 күн бұрын

Thanks Fr,,, Very encouraging at this time of year.. Living with a but of hostility,, reading Job and OT for patience.. thanks for your messages, very hopeful .✝️ I will strive for a Holy Advent with prayer and fast, joyfully. Easy to complain when you're hungry. Only need strength and mercy of Almighty God

@Brosepha Ай бұрын

Not everyone has trouble saying no. I have friends who dont understand boundaries and Im getting burnt out. I also cant deal with enabling people doing self destructive behaviors that is making me feel awful.

@mintavia Ай бұрын

Amazing that the best dating advice comes from the clergy. I understand it is for everyone, but wow is this sound advice for young people and dating. 😊

@heidihintze6136 Ай бұрын

As a recovering people pleaser, I approve of this message 😀

@dg0215 Ай бұрын

Wow. This is the most freeing, authentic, and totally Catholic way of talking about people pleasing I have ever heard. Simple and straightforward. So much of my misery has come from that lack of self-possession mentioned. Doing for others has become so skewed for me due to my codependency. Thank you, Father, for speaking so clearly and concisely about it. Peace and all good! Blessings!! 🙏😊

@unicronprimus7450 Ай бұрын

That is hard for me as I have the problem of saying no AND also have the problem of hearing no from others. Worse is that I believe that I aligned my expectations akin to the golden rule. I people please and also expect others to please me. It has been a trap for so long.

@BratKatUzar Ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing such great wisdom. I have lived as a people pleaser my whole life. My mom is a narcissist and so I have always littled myself and given into guilt trips whenever she wanted something. And I'd look at my older sister like she had a problem because she would tell my mom no and hold firm to that. My mom still tries to do it to this day. I have gotten a little better through counseling. But I still fight being a people pleaser. I want to be easy going. But lately I've found my voice and that little boundary of distance that you speak of. When people start making dinner plans I let them know I do not like Mexican or Indian food. I don't and I won't eat it. And I don't feel bad about it either. I have lived too long trying to please others and it's time to be my own person. God bless you father. Thank you for giving us people pleasers permission to be our own person and have our own feelings and opinions.

@JuanMartinez-xl2oj Ай бұрын

FATHER, help me! This speaks so loudly to me, I’ve been living this - have been conflicted, and a saw change TODAY. If I knew how to discern, I’d be on my way to religious life (I’m a revert, who knows, but is not wise), but struggle in the day to day amongst the those without faith. How do I be a slave to all, who is my brother, are my concerns of casting perls to swine - and how does it relate to the Fatima prayer? I am a foul sinner, utterly perplexed, and unfaithful to the Lord. May the church triumphant and suffering pray for me, and those like me, let us not be lukewarm - but ablaze for the Blessed Trinity!

@chasingthesky 13 күн бұрын

Thank you Fr. I’ve learned that people pleasing is a trauma response on my end. This was much needed and provided a new perspective. God bless 🙏

@tinapeters5725 18 күн бұрын

Thank you Father, this post come at the perfect time, thank you, I get myself into situations, I've always been a oeople pleaser🌻

@dawnelainebowie3943 Ай бұрын

We humans seem to be split down the middle between those who are people pleasers and the rest of us who see the world as, “what’s wrong with you stupid people anyway?” Knowing I am His beloved child allows me to find the balance in the moment that makes the necessary and appropriate boundary clear.

@milaszczecina5553 Ай бұрын

Never saw the link between lying😮

@jaroslaval9159 Ай бұрын

Oh the timing of this! Incredible and jaw dropping timing. I was JUST saying to my husband today about an issue- "There is a lack of boundaries here." I know the Lord loves a cheerful giver, but what about when we start becoming an annoyed giver? I should have just said no. Sigh...

@maryp5127 Ай бұрын

Amen amen 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 ,WORKING on my NO means No even if I get anxiety saying no because I know they are going to speak ill of me ,& I got to be ready for when they tell me NO it’s a whole process of thoughts Please Pray for me Fr Columba 🙏🏻 ( don’t say no🤣 GOD BLESS You Father 🙏🏻

@SarahAnne44AVEMaria Ай бұрын

This is excellent! Thank you…this is what I needed to hear and probably a lot of other people too! ✝️🙏🏻♥️ How good is GOD?! This good! Thank God for the word “NO”!

@isabellataliamicallef Ай бұрын

So helpful! hehe and this is much fun to listen to with your accent ☘️

@diane4983 21 күн бұрын

Father you talk about the little things that are the big things we struggle with. Thank you!🙏🏻

@mfawls9624 Ай бұрын

...growing up as the youngest in a large family🙇🏻‍♂️

@drjohnn.sutherland3455 Ай бұрын

Yup. Spot on. Thank you, Father.

@johneleasar9878 Ай бұрын

Thank you Father! Yesterday I had to say no to my nephew. Over and over and over again he came with the same question. And I said no. He is a child and got angry and sad and disappointed. It was hard to say no. But I did not throw myself under the bus. I hope he still loves me. At least I love myself and I also love him.

@ValentinBrutusBura Ай бұрын

That is true. You can't say no, in a very specific way... :)

@OneCatholicSpeaks Ай бұрын

While listening to this I was thinking saying yes and no bring value to each other.

@vng121 Ай бұрын

This is such a hard thing to discern for me! It's very complex, but I love how you explained this. It gave me a different perspective to reflect on.

@namarievenstar Ай бұрын

It has been so good for me to hearing Father Columba for the oast months. He's taught me so much during my belated heartbreak, with humour and loving messages, that has lifted my spirits more than once, while reminding me of very valuable lessons! Thank you, Father Columba! Much love and regards from Colombia. 🇨🇴🙏🏽🕯️

@sineadnicraghnaill2372 Ай бұрын

Brilliant advice! 🙏🏿🌅

@sandramillar9067 Ай бұрын

Best explanation ever!! 🙏👌🙌 thank you Father. Love the how you share your messages. You also make me chuckle. 😊

@sylviagonzales1680 Ай бұрын

I needed to hear this so much today, thank you Fr!

@JimmyRichardsonIII Ай бұрын

Thank you, Father. May the Peace of Christ remain with you always.

@alexrcanez Ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this reflection. I really appreciate it. 4:56 this is a powerful key to shift and move away from the guilt trips of narcissistic people. Whenever we set a boundary and people get annoyed, explode in anger and rage, they give away what they are not willing to tolerate (I believe John Gottman says this or some other expert in the field). I found it revealing when that happened in the latest relationship and the consequences are brutal in both mental and physical health. May God enlighten us to see, actually see what is happening with our relationships.

@gigivaldivia8434 Ай бұрын

Thank you Father, It just what I need to hear today I had to say NO to friend. I have always been the Yes girl. Anytime family or friends would ask me to do something I would say Yes but after a while it became exhausting and draining. Thank you again for this video!

@aler98 Ай бұрын

I think that this man has a sort of Padre Pio-like gifts 😂 he knows me even if we never met 😂 Thank you father...God bless you..

@diannepenny407 Ай бұрын

I really don't want to augment the ego you're working so hard to be free of, Father, but you truly are excellent.

@trudiswanson9855 Ай бұрын

Father, that was the best commentry on boundaries before people pleading that I've ever heard!!

@Leenu.8047 17 күн бұрын

Thank you so much, Fr Columba, for this wonderful explanation! I think this has been the case with me all over the years. I tend to put myself in other people's shoes all the time, and I've been raised to sacrifice myself for others (after all, that's what Jesus did for us) and always help others, especially family. So I'm always stuck in this feeling that I should be doing more for people, even if I don't want to or don't have the energy to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not a good Christian whenever I turn my back on someone. Yet here I am, going through an endless burnout that is becoming unbearable and disabling, and feeling like I'm always giving more than I receive and it's taking a toll on me. So, my question is: How can I tell apart this self-sacrificial free gift to others from people pleasing? How can I discern better to make better decisions? And how can I cope with people's reaction to my 'no', especially if it comes from my own family? I feel so exhausted right now and I've been trying to find answers to all these questions. Please pray for me if you will. God bless you and, again, thank you so much for this gem of a video!

@humility2091 Ай бұрын

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

@donmorrissey1453 Ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this message father, really needed to hear it. I've battled for years to please people, because of been beaten up by my mother and tried to please her to keep the peace and I've carried that for the rest of my life. Really appreciate the work you do, you doing a really good thing.

@paulaherzuah1706 Ай бұрын

God bless you Fr. Columba. I enjoy your videos and I'm encouraged by them

@mishp333 Ай бұрын

Thank you so much, Father. I needed to hear this. This is something I need to work on. God bless you. 🙏

@buttersmom7243 Ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this! Everything hit home, and I wish someone had explained this years ago!

@deannad2555 Ай бұрын

This video really helps, thank you xx ♥️

@ctmcatholic Ай бұрын

You’re welcome 😊

@fabiolagarcia5672 Ай бұрын

Thank You Fr. Columba! I really enjoyed your videos, they have helped me a lot! 😊 Greetings from Mexico! Dios le bendiga! 😁

@cirelo1896 Ай бұрын

Been here! Learning to say what I mean, mean what I say, don't say it mean.

@echoa110 Ай бұрын

My goodness how I needed to hear this! Having grown up with parents who have had their own sets of life challenges that only they can decide to work on (but - like most of us - choose not to), I have grappled with this very question for a very long time! The definition of boundaries in particular really struck a chord with me! Thank you, Fr. Columba!

@corneliaadolfsson9379 Ай бұрын

Brilliant!! Thank you father Columba!😀🙏 I really appreciated this!

@francescaderimini4422 15 күн бұрын

Yes! I love your channel! As a nurse and Third Order Franciscan used to Charitable to my patients especially the ones who hated Catholics. Now I can tell them the truth that they are going to hell. I am also going to stop my volunteer work at Church and work out instead. Go out with my friends. There are times I do not want to attend the Third Order Group and sleep in instead. I will start doing it. Thanks ❤

@TracySterling-t8i Ай бұрын

Thank you. Beautifully said, wonderfully eye opening.

@aye05jaye Ай бұрын

Thank you Father! I needed to hear this today.

@colleen.f.s Ай бұрын

Best talk yet! Thank you so much.

@Copernicus137 6 күн бұрын

Thank you for this post. At 62 people pleasing has caused me much suffering, and I am tentatively trying to find a way to no longer be so enslaved by people pleasing. Trusting in the Holy Trinity, The Holy Family, my guardian angels, to help and guide me, and I hold onto hope. 😇🙏💫🌄🌅☀️🌞🪐⭐️🌟🌠🌌🌬🌈❄️🔥🕊🪽🐏🐑🛐✝️

@momlifewithjessica9923 Ай бұрын

Thanks!

@blindman6022 Ай бұрын

Wonderful advice Father for those of us who struggle with this. May God bless you with every good thing ~

@erikagwen5437 Ай бұрын

Haha you're so funny Father!! Your facial expression. Thanks for this!! Needed it.

@kc_1802 Ай бұрын

So important. I lived most of my life thinking this behavior was a strength and a virtue. It can be, but as you said Fr., only when done from the right place. I think one day it could be a strength, but I first need to unlearn things and to be transformed bit by bit by Christ. I almost ruined my life and my soul recently through this behavior. Praise God that our God is a God of freedom, who wants to set captives free !

@ragarse3 Ай бұрын

Yes, saying no has led me to being called obstructive, negative and so on....but each time it turned out to be the correct decision and those that said yes either didn't then do as they had promised or did it badly because they didn't have the guts to be honest. Our friends from America must find this particularly difficult where the 'can do philosophy' appears to dominate. Can do if it's right for sure, no can do if it is not. Its not a question of attitude as they would have you believe it simply following God's word, His example.

@FanofAslan Ай бұрын

Sometimes I want the other person to choose so I know they're happy.

@dmnguyen103 Ай бұрын

Me too. I want the other person happy because then I'm happy!

@theden3162 Ай бұрын

Its all about balance, don't have a default approach to it. Sometimes its yes Sometimes its no. You dicern, either way, live with your choise and be at peace. As Father said, if they get angry, that's their fault

@kc_1802 Ай бұрын

Hey there, if I may, I just wanted to share my thought in response ? (Of course, if it doesn't apply to you, please disregard!) That can be a lovely desire. But, I don't know about you, but I have done this to an extreme where I disregarded my own well-being because what the other person wanted actually was not good for me, but I prioritized their wants at my own expense. And, they knew it was costing me but kept insisting anyway, and I was so used to giving in to "preserve the peace." I basically acted like my own basic well-being (emotional, mental health; work-life balance, etc) was disposable. Letting a situation literally eat away at you (take a toll on you) is not sustainable; even if you think you can handle it, you may very well explode or crumble in some way. To anyone reading this - if you find yourself doing this, then from someone who's been there, please watch out

@lindacrooks4143 Ай бұрын

Thank you Father Columba, that was really helpful. 😊

@noreendunne431 Ай бұрын

Thank God for gifting you😊🎉 that talk and your 'lifeness' lifted me up! I was feeling down🙏 thanks ✝️ Makes a Lot of sense

@clarefrenchum9696 Ай бұрын

God bless ya too!

@tylerwerthmuller2005 Ай бұрын

Do I have a problem saying no? Do I have a problem hearing no? Yes. Lol

@amymabbott8738 Ай бұрын

Sound advice!

@Crabby_Camper 25 күн бұрын

I have zero friends and the only blood relatives i speak with are my two children. So i have no problem with this video. I have been doing this for years. Easy Peasy

@magdalenazielinska1872 Ай бұрын

Love it ☺️💕 will be working on doing it as a struggle with saying NO

@576sqft Ай бұрын

Amen. I really appreciate the message here-well, from all your videos, really-but I kinda’ needed to hear this today.

@Irishherbs Ай бұрын

Nice to see you in Mass today brother,thank you. Good homily..

@mystearicanohr9521 Ай бұрын

My best friend almost never chooses what we do. She always throws it back on me to choose. It’s a problem. She doesn’t say no when she can’t or doesn’t want to hang out, either. She just procrastinates confirming plans until it’s too late, forcing me to cancel for the both of us. So I’m the bad guy. Then there’s the resentment whenever I’m the one legitimately saying no or canceling. I’m the bad guy again. It’s very annoying.

@rebn8346 Ай бұрын

Cant blame her if you refuse to say no. Doesn't sound like an equal relationship.

@GdA72491 Ай бұрын

Great clarification. Thank you .

@rebeccaparker1554 Ай бұрын

Thank you❤

@believewithyourheart5627 Ай бұрын

Oh boy! 🙏 thankyou so much….

@katttttttherine Ай бұрын

praise God

@marypiano3346 Ай бұрын

❤

@heathsavage4852 Ай бұрын

On the nose as always! I worked in social services for years and often found it hard to "give" in a non-professional setting, because I felt I had "already given." This is something I have been learning for a long time. Now I say "no" when I need to, and, as you say, Father, all that I give is now freely given. And the upshot is that I am now actually MORE giving, not less so.

@DanielBrawner-9 Ай бұрын

Glory!!! After so much struggles i now own a new house with an influx of $115, 000 every month God has kept to his words, my family is happy again everything is finally falling into place. God bless America.🙌🏻

@joelEdmund Ай бұрын

Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.

@joelEdmund Ай бұрын

I'm inspired. Please spill some sugar about the biweekly stuff you mentioned

@DanielBrawner-9 Ай бұрын

I raised 115k and Kate Elizabeth Becherer is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her.Kate Elizabeth Becherer is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!

@DanielBrawner-9 Ай бұрын

I started with a miserly $1500. The results have been mind blowing I must say TBH

@PamelaVohs Ай бұрын

Wow 😱I know her too Miss Kate Elizabeth Becherer is a remarkable individual who has brought immense positivity and inspiration into my life.

@sallie4str Ай бұрын

thanks!

@pillihpzelaznog2017 11 күн бұрын

It's funny cause most of the time I say no and then when I say yes I'm usually trampled and hurt by it haha atleast I live honestly

@rust1881 Ай бұрын

Aren't we supposed to die to ourselves and serve others to the extent Christ did? I don't mean to come off negative, I have a guilty conscience about saying no when I think about all the Lord has done for me and how desperately I want to be like Him. Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

@animula6908 Ай бұрын

You can’t serve others the way Christ did. You don’t have the power to save anyone. It’s got to be a balance between giving what you have to give, and turning over to the Lord the needs you can’t fulfill. If you think you can do everything Christ did for people, you have forgotten the first thing about being a Christian. I’m a Protestant convert, so I do an honest self check sometimes and ask myself “if the Protestant I used to be accused me of trying to work my way to heaven right now, would they be right?” I’m not sure if it works for people who never said that about others, but sometimes I realize I’ve crossed that line. I try not to let those people be right because it’s setting a bad example.

@rust1881 Ай бұрын

@@animula6908 We don't need to save someone to serve them. I agree fully that Christ alone is able to do far more exceedingly than we. But He calls us to die to ourselves and our selfish ambitions, to pick up our cross, and to follow Him. When following, why would I make reasons to follow less closely than I could? Why not die to oneself fully and give till all there is left is Him? Wouldn't that seem similar to being empty of self and full of the Spirit? When all that's left is the Lord in us. For the sake of no one's approval, but out of pure love of God.

@beuller7 Ай бұрын

Codependency and chronic people pleasing isn't love. It's a profound fear, and it's a soul sickness.

@kimo1960 Ай бұрын

Interesting lens on it ❤️

@Goretti8201 Ай бұрын

Setting boundaries with a parent is a whole other story, and it is rife with emotional landmines. The fallout from telling a parent "no" is painful and bitter. And there is constant guilt to honor your father and mother and take care of them as they age. The whole situation is heartbreaking.

@shekitty9347 Ай бұрын

I have not even spoken to anyone apart from my parents in since an whole year

@Squeebles Ай бұрын

Is not wanting to do something, a good enough reason to say no?

@mariesook9141 Ай бұрын

Good question.

@spleenery Ай бұрын

People pleasing is how Solomon went from the wisest man alive to worshipping idols.

@Brosepha Ай бұрын

More like being greedy and having way to many women. A wise man knows one woman is more than enough.

@Simonm-jc Ай бұрын

Saying no to people isn't my problem. I want to be as self-sacrificial as possible and fullfill my obligations to the people around me, but it can be taxing physically and mentally. How do I know where to draw the line and prioritize my own needs?

@deka290 Ай бұрын

But Father, what if the other person said ''this is God's project'' and then it makes me feel guilty as like i rejecting God? What if when i said no to this request, then God will say no to my prayer?