How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia

[@kindnessisnotweakness532]

I’m curious how to handle them with humor or redirect them when they’re screaming at you that “My daughter never helps me” and so many awful things it’s enough to make you want to end your life when you don’t even want to be caring for these people. I know I sound like a terrible person. I don’t want to care for them isn’t it ok to walk away to save your own life. That’s my concern. I’m scared for my own life. They scream at me to do unsafe things with my body. I am so glad I found this today. I need resources.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

When loved ones are so upset and screaming it's best not to respond but to be as calm as possible. You are NOT a terrible person and you should not place yourself in harms way. I'm not sure about the background of this situation, however medications to calm the agitation may be helpful. Otherwise play soft music and try not to do anything that causes agitation. I have an entire webinar series (free) on caring for persons with memory loss including responding to behaviors. You can find it here. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@texaslovelylady]

You are amazing and loved kind friend. I too know your struggles, my one parent being for sure narcissistic and not sure about the other one if she's been covert or if it's something because of years of abuse. How we make it out and still believe the best of others and fight to stay kind is a testament to the determination of the human soul. More so for me the God Who made me. I love Him so. 🥰

[@amateur_football9751]

Usually when they scream, there is an underlying cause, it could be constipation, a bumped knee, a tooth infection, the problem is they can't express their pain the way a normal person would, thats were the new language comes in, understanding them takes time and patience and with time you get better at it, still every now and then, they can throw a new move as I like to call their new behavior and you try to adjust the best you can.

[@CocoTheDiamond]

i'm in the same boat!!! i am subject to all sorts of awful abusive things. i can't take it!! she has become cruel and i have no support. i want to run away!!!

[@eurokay4755]

20 years ago? That explains so much! My mother began, in small but very hurtful ways, being just cruel to me, her middle child and only daughter, about 20 years ago. Random, senseless acts, like not inviting me on family trips, insulting me in front of others, etc. Even if I had done something really awful, these actions just wouldn't be her personal way, or so I thought. It's been going on for so long now that it's become her personality and it's definitely affected our relationship. Over the past year, the signs of dementia became much more obvious. She was still so haughty and dismissive about the appointment with neuropsychiatry: she refused to go for half a day of testing, saying it was unnecessary. Even though my father was a psychiatrist and a beloved father and husband, she indicated that, at least as to her, the whole profession was unnecessary! She finally went, but couldn't follow the directions and got lost trying to find the right desk, then was so hostile to the staff that the first hour was spent calming her down. She failed every single one of the memory tests, but did o.k. on the others. She was livid, furious at the diagnosis. Refuses to refer to the PhD who tried to counsel her as a "doctor." She associates me with the whole process, I suppose, because the hostility is barely hidden. I find it necessary to remove myself from being around her for the most part now that she'd moved into an assisted living situation. Over the past 15-20 years, it seems to me that the dementia slowly removed her inhibitions, and she simple became less able to disguise her real feelings of resentment and vengeance (her word) toward me, and less able to pretend she likes me. I wish I could believe the memories of the mother I thought I had, but she's quite deliberately done and said such hurtful, hateful things over the past 15 years or so, it's hard to care about anything beyond making sure she's safe and comfortable.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thanks for sharing your story. Your father must have had a very difficult time watching this happen to your mother and feel powerless to do anything. There may be an underlying personality disorder along with the dementia that relates to the hostility you see. I understand why you don't want to have interactions with her. You are a good daughter making sure she is safe and comfortable. I hope you can find peace with the fact that you are doing all you can in this very difficult situation. Sending you positive thoughts.

[@goldmund67]

Feeling alone and desperate and experiencing exactly what you described. Just hearing a similar experience is very helpful. So painful when they are so mean spirited and hurtful and aggressive to you, but polite and 'in control' with outsiders and visitors

[@PaintedShovel]

Thank you so much for sharing this very difficult experience. I identified with your frustration/ fatigue / disappointment and sense of betrayal. My parent exhibits a mistrust of doctors. She diminishes what they say (she was married to one AND was a psychiatrist nurse). It makes no sense. And I believe strongly that she, too, has had Alzheimer's symptoms as far back as twenty + years. I have been married that long and she never bonded with my husband. She has become increasingly distrustful of him but in years past she repeated the same searching questions about him. He senses something was wrong and chose to keep his distance. I don't blame him! I hope you are finding peace knowing more about this disease and that you are not alone.

[@armiebarr725]

Lady companion ship, I'm renting house to her. She wants your attention, every second, minutes hours, wow! I'm not her care giver. She's used to caregiver, but daughter cannot afford to hire caregiver. My friend nurse introduced me to this family, because I give my senior apartment, they raised my rent to $50.00 more, my budget cannot afford so I stay and lived in car. My was looking for where I'm I. I lived now in my car. I told me in Boulder Station lounge. Then after a week, she called me. She was telling this daughter asking someone to accompany her in her house, she's living alone. Short story, they allowed to move anytime. Now that there. I was happy I got the place to stay. After 1 month, I see the true color of the 82 years, had alzirmer, dementia, she's a nice lady, but one day crying like baby, saying I cannot take it anymore, my eyes is bothering me, I'm so nervous! She keep drinking coffee, I just watch her, tried to avoid her, I cannot do anything, bothered me to do what I'm doing, interrupt my work, just ignore, cause no time for her, so I left. Now and it's annoying me, my feeling of frustration. I left early before she woke up, and come home late. I think it's better that way so. I notice her, the more you talk to her, it gets attention, gets worse, it's better for her to be alone, so she can deal to herself, she's smart she does something okay when I'm not around, if you there, she tried to compete with you by action, I don't know. She likes to be praise. But your time wasted.

[@gailbrandly432]

What you have been through is very traumatic, hurtful and undeserved. When people tell me it’s the disease not the person saying these hurtful things I think to myself it’s just her normal personality magnified. Do I believe my mom loves me ? I believe she doesn’t know how to do that in a functional way and never did. But the verbal attacks still hurt me to the bone😢

[@anne-marievanrooyen5906]

My Dad has been diagnosed with Dementia. I took care of him for a year and just couldn't cope. He would " mark his territory" he wee' d everywhere and still does. He lives with my daughter now, she takes very good care of him. He is always packed and ready to leave. Last week he ran away from my daughter's house, he was on his way home😢. He meticulously planned his escape. I am so grateful that I came accross this video and will certainly be sharing this with my daughter. My Dad does not recognize me anymore. My main concern is that my Dad runs away again. We were very blessed to have a caring community that helped as look for and find my Dad.❤

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Anne-Marie - thank you for sharing. Here is a link to a program on my website that you or your daughter may find helpful. It's about creating a care plan for family members with memory loss. You might also want to investigate some type of GPS device you can place in your dad's shoe, pocket or a watch in case he gets lost so that you can find him. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@anne-marievanrooyen5906]

Thank you so much for sharing this link with me Pamela 🙏🏻

[@cynthiagonzalez658]

You hit the nail on the head!! Dementia happens 20years before the diagnosis. I have had patients with obvious dementia symptoms with no diagnosis in their chart. The doctor/nurse/ relatives have no clue. The children think that the parent is just being difficult (esp if the patient has always had a difficult personality). No one has spent enough time with the patient to notice....

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Cynthia - thank you for the comment. It is always the early small things that are missed, inability to perform math or financial calculations is an early indicator as well as gait problems and physical issues among others if they were not present before. There is a significant lack of education in the overall community about issues that relate to early cognitive impairment and then a discussion of where MCI eventually leads.

[@b.bernal6151]

I wish I had found your channel sooner. My my was just diagnosed with dementia. She moved in with me for three months, but it was affecting me mentally and physically so I placed her in an ALF. Within a week at the facility, she had to be placed under hospice care. That’s how quickly she has been deteriorating. My mom has always had issues with anxiety and she’s a very negative person. Our relationship has never really been a close one and I moved out at 18. So I’m sure there were signs of the dementia that I just attributed to her character. As an only child she is my sole responsibility. I’ve realized that I made mistakes while she was under my care. For example, trying to reason with her. Sometimes it’s best to let professionals deal with our loved ones care. I made sure to look for a good ALF and I visit her often to make sure she is well taken care of.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing.

[@vikkihorchar280]

Thank you for your videos. I'm an independent contractor/consultant & am blessed enough to bring my 81 yr. old mother with me to work, & we live together. I've noticed signs of dementia at a significant rate in a short 3 month period. Thankfully my 25 yr. old son lives with us & helps me tremendously. Your videos have helped me to teach my son better ways to understand & communicate with his beloved grandma. Mom just told me yesterday that she's laughed with me more in one day, than she has in a year without me. My son & I are avid believers in the power of humor 🤣 & love to laugh. We just keep on loving her & laughing & praying 🙏. God bless you for all you do.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Vikki - Thanks so much for sharing this! You made my day! Blessings to you and your family.

[@fashionvivation8220]

Thank you, Pamela! As the sole and new caregiver for my father with dementia, I am not always sure of the right things to do and feel so alone in this journey. My sister lives out of state and gets an opportunity to visit once a year. It is difficult to express the day-to-day struggles and unknowns of caregiving to her. Your videos help me understand what my father is going through, how to handle situations better and realize I am not alone in my caregiving experiences.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

It's my pleasure. Thanks for sharing your experience which is helpful to others here.

[@lilblackduc7312]

Last time I visited my doctor's office, they mentioned I might have a touch of 'Senility'. When I asked did that have an effect on anything, I was advised, "From now on, when you visit, we want you to pay at the desk BEFORE you actually see the doctor"!🤔 😳🤨 @@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert

[@civildk9077]

You're not alone. I'm in the same boat as of recently. Dealing with diabetes, bed sores, dementia and distant loved ones who want to be more involved but aren't HERE for the moments I wanna just 'get through'. The incontinence. The changing of sheets, cleaning of carpets, clothes, ordering of supplies, just to get through the next week or month. It's all taxing, but, I gotta say, the moments I spend with my dad when we're just 'talking' and he's 'himself', are well worth it. Thanks Pamela and thank you for sharing YOUR experience here with me.

[@adonyisrael1724]

@@civildk9077 Same here! No one to help me out! I’m with my mom 24/7 and the repetitive questions and answers are what drains me each day. I want to spend more time with her but all the chores I have to do keeps me very busy each day & now when we do sit to have coffee, it’s repetition repetition repetition. 😞

[@deborahbrown555]

Great video! I’ve been saying for years mom has something going on in her brain along the lines of dementia and unfortunately it’s hard to get diagnosed in early stages and with no cure currently it’s not the worst thing to happen but by the time my mom got diagnosed she’s gone from annoying beliefs and behaviors to almost helpless in what seemed like overnight. Seeing her now and looking back at some of her strange beliefs and actions I believe it started years ago and now all of those quirks make sense. It is stressful, it is heartbreaking and it is hard work but I truly believe the more we can educate ourselves the better it is for all concerned❤️

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Deborah - Thank you. Education in all areas of our life is so important. I believe in lifelong learning.

[@indranidasgupta8982]

Do you tell them the truth or go along with the delusions? My mom kept saying that my dad is around her. She’s been doing this off and on for two years now. I don’t know what to say to her. My dad passed in 2022. She does know he’s gone. But it seems the dementia takes over at times. She remembers most long term memories but forgets short term things like what she ate that morning. She has an MND (it’s called PSP - Progressive Supranuclear Palsy) and the dementia is beginning. You are so right about her knowing when I’m upset. Once when she told me my dad was sitting there with her, I almost lost it and began to cry. I hid it quickly and moved to another part of the room. When I turned back I saw that she was watching me and her eyes were huge and intent on my face. I hugged her and she held my hands and wouldn’t let go. I had the feeling that she knew the truth and knew I was suffering. I love her so much… my heart is breaking. Every day.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi- you do not tell them the truth. You go to "their world". If she thinks your dad is around her, how do you know he is not? Her saying that is probably comforting for her. Have a conversation with her, say that you're glad he is with her.

[@passionatesingle]

Knowledge is power! The more I learn about this disease and how to handle someone with dementia the better it is for both my mum and I. I also have my dad who at 92 is finding it challenging seeing his wife like this. After 3 years of being her primary cargiver I would say that the hardest part has been dealing with wanting to go home and the few occasions mum has been difficult to deal with is because we didn't approach the situation properly. Now it's just easier getting in the car,even three times a day and driving around until she is tired and ready to return to her house of 62years. Saying 'no' the biggest mistake you can make in my opinion when she is agitated and wanting to do things her way. As long as it's safe I validate what she is feeling or experiencing and then try to redirect her. It usually works.....so far and she is going onto stage 6.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Congratulations on learning the secret to responding to a parent with memory loss. It is a journey of learning that can be so much easier with knwoledge. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@passionatesingle]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Thank you 😊! As someone who had told her parents I wouldn't be able to handle taking care of them as I didn't think I had what it takes, I have astounded myself. I have I never knew I had. But then again who knows what anyone can handle if they are not ever challenged. Thanks for being here for all of us. Take care!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@passionatesingle - Thanks for sharing. It's interesting how life experiences change what we think we can do and what we really can do. Stay strong!

[@carolineoyama687]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert😊o

[@donniecatalano]

This afternoon, I had to come to the realization that my father is pretty much neck deep in dementia. He has been a brilliant mind, very dynamic and strong. In such a short time he's now unrecongnizable. It's so scary

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Donnie - I'm so sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis. Here's a link to a page on my website about making a plan for loved ones with dementia. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@geegeeandlulu]

I feel what you said right now. My mommy is there now xxxx

[@CocoTheDiamond]

it's so sad and it hurts bc you've lost them before you've lost them. i just realized my mother has dementia this past week and it explains everything i've seen but it's so hard!

[@donniecatalano]

@CocoTheDiamond I don't have much of a relationship with my dad, but it's still depressing. Another reason why I don't reject euthanasia.

[@louisel.sinniger2057]

Wow, that is VERY impressive. I am a nurse that works in long term care and that is EXACTLY how I approach dealing with care of some of our clients. The sad truth is that too many workers who work in these facilities don’t have the knowledge and or skills and become frustrated with these clients. The management expects these workers to provide care but too many don’t know how let alone understand how. I don’t believe it is their fault it is just that most don’t have the necessary training / education to deal with some of the challenging residents. Too many nursing homes are strapped for good help so the environment in and of itself is challenging. I try to educate some of the workers in funny ways and by example. I am a supervisor and I come to the floor to help out. I am hopeful the workers will see how I deal with stressful situations to know it can be done but they as workers have to do a bit of creative approaches to be successful. Thank you for such good information.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for your comment. I agree there is a lack of training in all facilities/communities due to available time and money for training. The better caregivers are those who have experience and patients with persons with memory loss. Modeling behaviors is a great way for others to learn.

[@rosemullen-r5w]

I am a nurse 45 years. So nice to know there is a real nurse out there doing the right things. I salute you!

[@terricoppola7632]

Thank you Pamela! As a new caregiver to my mom with Parkinson’s and dementia I needed to hear this. I understand now how it is like speaking another language and their brain doesn’t understand. I try to make jokes and keep things light as much as possible. Hugs, kisses and back rubs help put my mom in a better mood. This is the hardest job that I ever had and I appreciate seeing your videos that guide me through the next challenge. God Bless you. 🙏🏻❤️

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Terri- Thanks for watching. So glad that this information is helpful. Sending you and your mom lots of positive thoughts! P

[@terricoppola7632]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@terricoppola7632 - My pleasure

[@kenjitaira926]

I am literally in the SAME SITUATION as you. My mother is 9 years into parkinsons and 2 years into dementia and I am her ONLY CAREGIVER since her ex husband was hyper abusive... so not only am I dealing with a parent with dementia, but also family law nightmare... I wish I had someone to bounce my feelings and thoughts off of, but my friends are exhausted with my problems, and I have recognized that and am laying off of it. Anyways, know you are not alone.

[@terricoppola7632]

@@kenjitaira926 God Bless you and your mom. 🙏🏻❤️

[@outcastbeta]

My mama passed away yesterday thanks for your tips and advice they helped a lot

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

So sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I'm glad the information you found here was helpful. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

[@outcastbeta]

Thankyou

[@doinbettathingzshorts]

𝖣𝖾𝖾𝗉𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖢𝗈𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗅𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾𝗌

[@peterstanghellini393]

Thank you for addressing this topic. My initial response is to try to have a logical conversation with mom and address things step by step. Apparently, I need to try your approach

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi Peter - Thank you for the comment. So many times it's not possible to have logical conversations with persons who have advancing memory loss. When memory loss advances they can't follow sentences from beginning to end. It's heartbreaking and sometimes difficult for caregivers to understand. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

[@kimmieuhl3013]

You are what I call an Earth Angel. You and your videos are a blessing. I'm just starting this journey with my mom and your information is invaluable. Thank you so very much. 💜

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you. If you are a new caregiver there's an entire program on my website about caring for aging parents, all videos and other information. You can find it here. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/

[@RokersR]

Thank you my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year and it’s been really hard to cope I mean when me my mum and my cousins went out to London we found out he broke down the backyard door to get in and yesterday he left and went to his friends and said we had no food and when his friends delivered him he said that it wasn’t his house. This video has been really great advice, Thank you 🙏

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing. Memory loss can be heartbreaking especially when the person who is diagnosed has little insight into the degree of their health concern.

[@storyteller6418]

Had to find a place to vent.. Momma just passed.. An I am so lost.. I miss you momma .. rite now we be sharing time when there were no words.. I spent the past 6 years with you every.. We were a great team.. You were adorable.. I enjoyed getting to reaily know you.. An it broke my heart watching you leave.. I watch the shows you watched.. An I can still hear you yelling at the TV . I remember you..dumping iced tea on Brenda in the closet.. You loved to hate her.. Laughing an clapping your lil hands to Golden girls.. It was a hard journey for you . Moments of clarity.. were the worst at times . My goal was to make sure your end was happier then the beginning.. An it was . You smiled a lot .. Had loads of fun...I spoiled you rotten:) You had to go .. friends were waiting on you.. An I am.heer trying to pull.it together . An to top it off remember Janice ..momma?? My 17 year old Bassett .. She got run over the other day momma.. It was horrible.. So I miss you both.. Maybe she's with you an hope.. I Love YOU 💗 Fly free momma

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your basset. It sounds like you have wonderful memories to carry you forward. Sending you positive thoughts and love.

[@cjcwoot8120]

Loved your post 💙💙💙 God Bless and I hope you find peace and comfort.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@cjcwoot8120 -Thank you so much for watching and commenting. Blessings, peace, and comfort to you!

[@MalyNarvaez-v6j]

Today my mothers psychiatric told my father and sister that my mom have dementia, she have been bipolar patient since she was 17, now this, I found this video and I really appreciate that I found it, I send it to my dad so he can have an idea on how to help her, she is in the beginning of dementia probably a few years already but we though it was a manic episode of her bipolar condition. Thank you for your video Pamela D. Wilson...

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi- You are welcome. There's a lot more information in my caregiving program on my website on this topic. Here is the specific chapter about making a plan for persons with dementia. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@sunshinegirl8216]

I just found this today. My parent has vascular dementia and many behaviors are similar to what is mentioned in your video. Thank you for the information.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You are welcome, so glad you found your way here.

[@Gtn2it]

My mum has dementia, I have been caring for her over six months now, which feels like a life time but also like it started just yesterday. Mums memory is basically gone. Her body is in amazing shape and I can see it lasting at least ten more years. Ground hog day has been our life and I'm not surviving it too well. At first her happy little oblivion smile and I don't know who you are but I'd like to be friends demeaner was charming and cute but now her calling me Mum is grating to my very soul, her foot steps in the morning are like approaching doom causing a tight knot in my stomach. I don't want to see that shell every morning, I don't want to live everyday over and over and over. She shouldn't have to either, I know that if she could see and realize what this disease has taken from her and left her with she would not want to be here. But she has no idea, my father and her repeatedly said that they would not go to a home and to my horror at the time, Dad would off handily say "you don't have to worry we will not be around when that time comes". But he left it too long because he didn't realize he was slipping, he is now in a dementia ward, my sadness with this whole ordeal is consuming and suffocating. No one afflicted with this disease would want to be living like that. I wish I could have remembered my parents the way they were and not have these memories of WHAT not who they have become overriding the ones of better times. Every day is sad, every day is like the last, everyday is just everyday. You want me to enter her world and be somebody else, to pretend that her world is where I live, to survive in her confused addled mind where day and night don't even exist? where everything she ever was, loved, saw, knew or accomplished is now just a dream or faint pop in memory somewhere in there, for one fleeting moment across a lit face that almost resembles my Mum, to see that light leave and watch that blank sagging delirium replace it once more? Your solution is to become who she is well before my time? I have no doubts that I am heading down the same path and I sincerely hope that I can save my family the same heart ache, frustration and sorrow in time before I get too far down the darkening tunnel to realize that I have dragged them into it with me. :(

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing your story. It seems like you have been living in your parent's world of dementia for quite some time. You mentioned that your father is in a dementia ward, can you place your mother so that she is with him? When I say that we have to go to "their world" what I mean is that we can't bring them back to ours so the only way we can comfort them is not to correct them or try to change them but to just be with them. It seems like you are past the point where this is possible. I hope you can find a door to another path and find your life again. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

[@markcordeiro]

Thank you for this video. I’m struggling with my mom’s signs of dementia. Most, if not all, of the things you discussed I experienced tonight, including wanting to go home (she is) to seeing a person that wasn’t there. What you shared is helpful. My biggest struggle is understanding I need to put aside focusing on communicating the reality… I feel like I’m lying when I don’t tell her what’s real vs not. It’s a journey. Thank you again for this.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi- Thank you for sharing. When you don't tell her what is real vs. not real you are actually being kind even though it can seem like it's deceptive. You might ask the doctor about medications for the hallucinations. Imagine how scary this might be for her and do whatever you can to make her feel safe and secure. Sending positive thoughts.

[@simplyscraphappy1072]

My Dad is now in a Memory Care Unit, and mostly is sweet, caring, very settled and happy to be there making new friends. However, we have had to cut off a former friend/girlfriend and he's upset with us for not helping him get in touch with her. It's so hard! But this lady was trying to get his money, yelling at him, yelling at staff ... way over the top with her own emotional problems. So - I guess you could say my number one concern has been the times we've had to step in and "parent" my dad because his sense of good judgement is gone. He was always such a wise and intelligent person. A lot of that is still there, but he's totally vulnerable and childlike in other ways.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Unfortunately your experience is very common. There are many people who take advantage of persons with dementia. Don't feel guilty about cutting off contact. Eventually he will forget about her.

[@theresamokgoro896]

An important lesson for us.My husband has been diagnosed with dementia thanks for the tips of caring as it's a painful and draining period for the family.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis. Dementia is heartbreaking for the family. If you're looking for more information about planning there's a module on my website with webinars that might be helpful. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@johnlang2293]

Pamela Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos, I am finding TON of excellent help with them. God bless you and the work your doing.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for commenting and providing feedback. If you haven't come across it yet there's an entire program on my website with the videos here on YT and a module all about memory loss. Here's the link: pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/

[@amateur_football9751]

This is the right approach, all do not easy, specially at the beginning, we have a sense of humor and that how we deal with out LO and have managed to actually kind of understand her new language.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing.

[@1SALADLOVER]

So sweet a touch, for them!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you.

[@ryanburns6284]

Thank god for KZbin … I’ve learned so much . Thank you ❤️

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thanks for watching!

[@elaineinoregon2727]

Such great ideas to stay. In-tune with moms world! Thank you!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you.

[@paulohlsson27]

Hi Elaine, how's your day going with you?

[@GeorgiaUnity]

My main concern is how to GET a diagnosis when your loved one is actively blocking that at every turn? The dementia is obvious (and has been going for some time.) But the denial is deep, and no talks have netted results...they refuse to talk to their doctor...they won't be honest about what's happening, etc. I can't even get the help needed because there is 'no problem' on paper. How do you overcome this hurdle?

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

A few questions. Why is the person hesitant? What fear exists about getting the diagnosis? Why the refusal? Is there a trust issue between you and this person? If the person has memory loss can they understand the seriousness of the diagnosis or has the memory loss advanced beyond that point? Are you the medical power of attorney? Until you know the foundation of the hesitation, fear, lack of trust, refusal or inability to comprehend it's difficult to overcome the hurdle.

[@yaral.4496]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert That's an unlogical question?: What fear exists about getting the diagnosis? And then let the diagnose be told by the professional and not by the child.... Gétting a diagnosis (accepting doing the tests) is already admitting you're not doing fine. Isn't the fear for at the end hearing the truth..? My mother thought/thinks she's still doing fine, so why should she see a doctor? We could persua her tot see a doctor over the weight-loss because that's more acceptable than to admit a suspence of dementia. This doctor planned several tests spread over half a day. Diagnosis at the end.

[@deborahbrown555]

My mom was the same way but believe me when I say it will at some point be so obvious there’s no denying the fact. And since there really is no cure only some symptom relief the main problem it’s causing for them is they could be treating symptoms for a bit longer but I finally had to ask myself what was causing my mom more distress, the symptoms she was having or me trying to get her a diagnosis? I’m her sole caregiver now and live with her and there’s no “pill” to fix this. She hallucinates daily, wanders around at night, hides her possessions and forgets where and says I stole them. It will get to that point for all of us so please don’t let not getting a diagnosis stress you out too much. In the big pic is it even necessary? Much love to everyone going down this path, on both sides

[@cjcwoot8120]

@@deborahbrown555Hi Deborah, I’ve started dealing with some of the accusations you mentioned recently as well . Sucks but I’m glad I’m not the only after seeing your comment . 💙 God Bless 🙏🏻

[@JayNomad]

I’m not a caregiver but my mom who has Alzheimer’s lives in my same building so I see her daily. It’s been really frustrating and sad to see her fade away like this…

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Yes, it's challenging to watch a loved one mentally slip away.

[@gabriellepapier8607]

I totally agree.

[@leroylawrence2773]

😢 this is so helpful! My mom just has been diagnosed with dementia! I live in Memphis & she’s in Detroit! I’m debating on getting my job transferred up there!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Leroy - I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis of dementia. It's great that you may have the flexibility to live near her and care for her. I suspect that will be very comforting for her.

[@americanbluejacket209]

Very helpful. Thank You for the effort and caring to do this video.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

My pleasure. Thank you for the feedback.

[@gRosh08]

Hello. Pamela, welcome to America.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hello. Thanks for watching.

[@leraemmanuel3691]

Thanks great advice. Thanks again

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

It's my pleasure.

[@angrykitty2591]

Wow. I wish I had heard this a few years ago. I was never good at getting out of my logical head to meet Mom in her space. Because of the lifelong tension in our relationship, I had very little patience, and we were both perpetually frustrated. She died a couple of months ago. Had I known better, perhaps I could have offered her more comfort in her last years.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

The blessing is that now you know and can be more empathetic with anyone else who comes through in your life that has dementia. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@stacyoyen5784]

Very helpful will be listening to more. Just staring this journey with my mom

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You are welcome. Learn as much as you can about dementia. This will make your journey smoother.

[@EllieM_Travels]

It will be nice when we can be fun and funny with her, but right now we’re trying to get her from her home to a care place, and it’s been maddening! We’ll use this advice once she gets there, though. Thank you!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you!

[@lilblackduc7312]

Kind, accurate advice, indeed! Thank you and consider this a loving comment...🤗

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you, so appreciated!

[@gregusmc2868]

I want to imitate Dana Carvey’s old SNL skit “The McLaughlin Group” and shout “WRONG! NEXT ISSUE!!” but she’s my mom and, despite the fact that she used to LOVE that skit, and Carvey in-general, I doubt she’d like it coming from me now. I’m very new to this whole situation-mom is an 88 year old retired (and much beloved) college English professor of 37 years, and she always prided herself at being able to help anyone with questions about grammar, writing, spelling, vocabulary, etc…and it’s so hard to watch her struggle to find a word and not be able to remember things we discussed only minutes before. I’m her only caregiver, she lives with me and my son, I work full-time and recently took a massive pay cut in exchange for a 3 day per week, 12 hour per day position that allows me to be home with her Monday through Thursday. She also has bronchiectasis-a chronic lung disease-and she’s never smoked a day in her life. She had an cerebral angioplasty two years ago and still has a small aneurysm in her brain that hasn’t been operated on. She is completely deaf in her left ear and 65% deaf in her right. Last week I had to rush her to the ER due to what I thought (and my neurologist cousin also thought) was a stroke. After 48 hours in the hospital she was released with a diagnosis of “vertigo.” I am trying to learn how to talk with her without upsetting her or becoming frustrated and angry myself. Thank you for publishing this information. Truly.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Greg - It sounds like you've got a lot going on. The vertigo can be a result of "stress". As you mentioned she was a college English professor and it's likely her brain and her body are struggling with all of these changes. It sounds like her health problems are starting to progress. You might check to see if she would qualify for "palliative care". This is care that manages symptoms and pain and comes before hospice care. The coverage and availability is different in every state.

[@yearofthedragonjane]

I’m scared bc my mom is beginning to show signs. I’m also a caregiver for my father with Parkinson’s. I’m scared

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Jane - I understand. Check out my online caregiver program especially the segment about memory loss. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/

[@dianetowles209]

Sending prayers 🙏🏿

[@horaciosantana2153]

Thank you so much for this video....i really needed it😔

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

It's my pleasure.

[@vandafromvald4512]

You are really good Pamela.Thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you so much!

[@monikagonzales2658]

Ty, I’m just starting this journey.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You are so welcome. Here's a helpful link to a program on my website that might help. This is one module of an 8 module program. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@donnism.59]

Your tips are helpful, thanks Pamela.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Don - Thank you. It's my pleasure. P.

[@rooferonhigh7124]

What a great and timely video, thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you so much for watching and for commenting.

[@kangarootrucker]

Very helpful. Thank You. I’m new to this and far from the assisted living facility

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You're welcome.

[@CapitanFantasma1776]

Thanks Pamela!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Howard - It's my pleasure. Thank you for the comment.

[@debushowreel]

Thank you ❤

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Its my pleasure

[@ROB-vd5pk]

Thank you for your help and suggestions..

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

It's my pleasure, thanks for watching this video.

[@connied8374]

❤❤❤ Thank you so much for this video!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You are so welcome!

[@neetaramesh7512]

Thank you.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You're welcome!

[@yearofthedragonjane]

This has really good tips. Thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Glad it was helpful!

[@markrunyon5524]

Just found you.I need your video"s!-Thank you.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

So glad you found your way here. Thanks for the comment!

[@tinatomaszewski6473]

I can't figure out how to get my mother out of her chair. She has become more sedentary every day. She always says it's because it's painful. We both have the same deteriorating joint disease so I do understand how hard it is some days to even walk. I've begged, pleaded, nagged, yelled, cried, prayed, but nothing seems to motivate her enough. We're not wealthy enough to have a full time caregiver in the home or for a good assisted living facility (which she adamantly does not want to be placed in). I just don't know what to say or do.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Tina - The deteriorating joint disease is very painful, so I can understand her hesitance. If she doesn't want to move and can't be motivated, you will want to try to find "workarounds." Is there a more comfortable chair you can get for her so that she does not end up with pressure wounds? You may need to speak to your doctor about this topic and consider palliative or hospice care depending on her health condition. You know that if she does not or won't move eventually she will be chair or bed bound. So it's best to prepare now and look at your options.

[@excellentchoices]

Thank you so very much for this information and advice… you truly understand what it’s like 👍👍 I have been caring for my 82 year old Mom since March 2024 … so much has happened….thank you for offering to answer a question my question for you is how do you set up a visit for your Mom with dementia with her son ( my brother ) who chooses to not speak to me, her caregiver and poa… and has given death threats to me … so safety is an issue…I’m still working on my safety plan… and he doesn’t understand that she is not able to make decisions on her own… because of the dementia and Altzimers it’s so difficult…. I pray he chooses to be rational soon…. Everyone I have asked so far says I’m not sure how to handle that one … I’m grateful I can choose to grow through this 🌱🌱🌱🌳🌳🌳 and learn lots✅✅ I am praying for everyone 🙏🙏🙏 Thank you so much for making this video. I’ll definitely check out your resources ✅✅ thank you again!!😌

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thanks for the question. You could arrange a "virtual visit" Zoom or some other platform to avoid any immediate harm from an in person visit for your mom and brother.

[@getreadyforthelamb]

I'm in Florida and my Dad is in Ak. Today waiting for Dr. conference on what to do with Dad, the distance is difficult but he has friends there.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing. There is an entire program on my website about dementia that you might find helpful. It's in webinar format. Here is the link: pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@iceteajuice8024]

I’m 24 and my dad who had a stroke and now has vascular dementia is 58. It started with him forgetting little things but he recently forgot my birthday as well as what year it was in general. I’m scared he’s going to complete forget me by the time I’m 30, I’m so so scared for him and I struggle to cope with just the thought of it, let alone when it’s actually going to happen. I’m an only child so I don’t have support from anyone close. So now I’m watching KZbin videos as everywhere I’ve looked for just simple advice falls on deaf ears and I was told I slipped through the cracks with one support group, heart broken by the lack of support for young care givers like myself…sorry for trauma dumping but I’ve already tried everywhere else, just talking or typing helps me a little

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing. Here's a program on my website that can help you plan to care for your father. You can also join my online support group on Facebook, it's private so you have to request to join and I will approve you. Look for "The Caregiving Trap" everyone in the group is supportive. Here's the link to my program about dementia care: pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/ facebook.com/groups/thecaregivingtrap/

[@triciasimon283]

Dementia and narcissism do not blend well!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

When dementia is added to any type of mental health disorder it's doubly difficult. Some caregivers look for other care alternatives for loved ones in these situations because it's simply too much.

[@triciasimon283]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert wow! Thank you for your quick reply! Yes and she fires everyone who we hire! Even when Dad was dying she told Hospice that they didn’t need to be there so much and only check once a day because family could help, which was not true. Our jobs would not allow that.

[@triciasimon283]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Additionally, she checked her self out of assisted living so she could go home. That was after her stroke and seizure but before we realized her memory issues and semi controls over her $

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@triciasimon283 - There's something to be said for her desire to be independent even though it compromises her health and those around her. Glad you are there to make sure the right things get done.

[@thomasteclesenbet]

Facts

[@michellle]

Great info. Thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Michelle - Thank you.

[@JessicaPAyne-f3s]

Thank you so much😢

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

It's my pleasure. You are welcome!

[@EllenWhite-v9b]

Thank you so much! So much great info! A challenge we are dealing with: Mom is still at home by herself. One of us family members stops in daily. Mom can cook very simple meals like canned soup, sandwiches, fruit, veggies. However, lately we’ve noticed she’s half-way opening the pop lid of the soups, but she’s not pulling it off. Then she sticks it in the fridge. What are your suggestions regarding easy food choices that mom could handle. We’ve talked about meals on wheels. And we do bring her already prepared meals a few suppers of the week. Thank you!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

It's my pleasure thanks for sharing your story. For foods ad memory loss progresses, "finger foods" things she can eat without using utensils that don't have to be warmed up. She may not have the strength to open the pop lid off the soup or she may be forgetting how to get the lid off. I would have as many prepared meals as possible and eventually you will need someone to remind her to eat as she will forget.

[@cjcwoot8120]

This is my question as well. I’m running out of ideas and the repetitive choices of meals. My Mother is barely eating each time she eats. I feel like the Ensure shakes and muscle milk shakes are getting old to her and those are my emergency options for when she doesn’t want any solid foods . God bless to all who reads this

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@cjcwoot8120 - Encouraging persons with dementia to eat can be very challenging. Sometimes hand feeding becomes necessary, including pureeing foods to avoid choking. There will be a time when solid foods are not possible. There are also clear (not thick) protein drinks. Prostat from Carewell is a clear liquid. Hormel makes Mighty Shakes and Med Pass. I hope this is helpful. I used all of these for my clients when I was a care manager.

[@AmatielleSilva]

I had full intention but am not as able as I would like to be and it feels awful. All the time and she is in Arizona while I'm struggling in Georgia.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing. Is there someone in Arizona who can help schedule a video call or some other type of communication system for you?

[@bd42134]

I'm the caretaker for my father who was a lifelong Alcoholic. He has not been officially diagnosed with a memory loss disease, but he absolutely has memory loss and does not practice proper hygiene, and will not allow me to help him bathe. The issue I would most like your help with though, is he continually gets the mail, goes through it, and throws away important documents. I work from home and I cannot watch him 24/7 so I don't know how to prevent this from happening. Any advice is appreciated.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Get a post office box.

[@danb708]

Very helpful advice! Thank you! I remember a movie from long ago entitle "50 First Dates" where Adam Sandler prepared a video for Drew Barrymore to look at each morning she awoke in a new and unfamiliar world. Have you ever found in the literature a process whereby a person in the early stages of dementia might prerecord a message to themselves explaining their new, strange situation? Things we tell ourselves seem to be more valid that things told to us others, and I'm wondering if such a gentle, explanatory video of "this is the story of your life" might be of use to a caregiver at some later date. Just a thought.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

This may or may not be helpful depending on the degree of memory loss. The person with memory loss may deny that the voice is theirs or hearing this might be more upsetting or calming. It's worth a try. Dementia is not amnesia. By the way I love that movie!

[@danb708]

Thanks for the quick reply. I was really thinking more of a video instead of an audio tape. Seems like seeing a "younger" you might be more familiar. Sort of a Bruce Willis in "The Kid". In today's environment, it would be a simple, easy step that may or may not be of value at some later date. If it turns out to be counter-productive it could easily be abandoned. All that being said, I have no experience in this sad and dark world that some have to face everyday, and I should defer to those of you who know.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@danb708 There is no one single way to navigate dementia. Try both video and audio. Here is a program on my website that you might find helpful about caring for loved ones with dementia. It is webinar based: pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@adamgranger5653]

I was having a conversation with my half brother recently about his mother who is 85 and he was telling me about her being forgetful and making remarks about him and his other siblings that she otherwise wouldn't if her cognitive function had been in tact like before the diagnosis. I told my brother that he and his brothers and sisters have to keep in that mind that when she says something that might sound out of character for how they know her to be that they can't take it personal because most of the time the disease is dictating what her thought process is and thus come the perhaps unkind remarks about her children

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

I hope they can listen to you and understand that it is the disease responding and not the mother that they remember. Thank you for sharing. You help others find their way here.

[@Sbur2880]

My 91 yr old mother and her husband just moved in with my step-sister because my mom was wandering at night (they were living in a retirement community). She calls me not knowing who these people are (only been married to my step dad for 10 years), is miserable and expresses daily that she wants to die. Her mother also had dementia and my mom says she's "crazy too, just like her". We have an appointment Wednesday with a neurologist who deals with dementia and I"m hoping (and praying) that he can figure out something that will help her deal. She also is nearly blind due to macular degeneration. I"m at a loss of what I can do.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing. Being blind and having dementia can be extra challenging. I hope the neurologist can recommend a good physician who can help you with some medications that might calm her anxiety. God bless your step-sister for taking them into her home she has accepted a huge responsibility.

[@CheerPhiCheer2021]

How to care for a parent that is very defensive towards others?

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Does the parent have dementia or something else? If there are behaviors that are angry or threatening this can be related to interactions with others. Here's a chapter in my online course with a large section about responding to behaviors that you might find helpful. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@lovecatspiracy]

The vascular MRI showed subcortical small vessel disease, "moderate" vascular dementia. My reading suggests "Moderate to Severe". I am struggling most with the nasty guilt trips and sneering. She's is better shape cognitively than what you describe here. From what I've read, her condition likely began years ago with gait problems, and that bears out objectively. The main problem is We embarked on an off grid homestead just before we learned the true dementia situation, which her awesome sparkling Situational Competency misrepresented prior to being relocated hours from an actual town. Our homestead is barely 6 months from raw land. We sold everything to make our dreams of Regenerative Agriculture happen.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Living your dreams can be positive if she can participate and remain active. Being away from the grid you will want to be realistic about the amount of care you can provide and create a realistic plan for what happens when she needs more care.

[@lovecatspiracy]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert I will review your handouts and slides from yiur website modules this evening. I sense a window of opportunity for tomorrow morning when she's looking forward to a homestead meeting. Blessings for all you do and share

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@lovecatspiracy Thank you.

[@MegaSnail1]

All great ideas and points. Do you have suggestions for dealing with a spouse who is angry with himself and there for me for his confusion?

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

There's a program on my website about dementia, making a care plan, and responding to behaviors. You can find it here. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@moominthirteen]

My 92 year old father is still driving. He has macular degeneration and is making poor decisions in general. He drove with dialated eyes (poor decision) and almost hit someone. I tried a family intervention twice to get him to stop driving where we offered him 3 options of how to handle the driving part. He agreed and then changed his mind less than an hour later both times so I called the DMV and asked them to evalute him. They sent him a letter telling him that he had three months to pass the vision, driving and written test. He called me and asked why it happened and I told him I decided it would be wise for the dmv to evaluate if he was still ok to drive. He was furious and told me to get out of his life. We haven't spoken in a month. I'm not sure what to do. I am his only child and he lives alone. He absolutely refuses any suggestion I make.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thanks for sharing. Giving up the car is difficult for older adults as it represents a sense of independence. I also suspect he might have dementia since your comment is on this video? You have options. If you'd like to identify potential next steps consider scheduling a consultation with me. pameladwilson.com/elder-care-consultant-aging-parent-consultation-managing-senior-care-needs-meet-with-pamela-d-wilson/

[@ruthdoo]

My mom keeps repeating herself several times during a short phone call. What can I do to help her? and yes it is so hard and sad to watch.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Ruth - It may be difficult to help her during a phone call since her memory is so short. What you might be able to do is to document important information she may be asking you about on a calendar or notepad where she lives. Otherwise just be pleasant and kind - hearing your voice is probably the reassurance she is looking for.

[@ruthdoo]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@ruthdoo - It's my pleasure. There are additional articles and podcasts on my website about talking to parents with dementia and dementia care that you may find helpful.

[@lourdesrivera5236]

Thank you I think my mom may have dementia. I'm waiting to see the doctor on the 12th

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Lourdes. I hope the appointment went well and you were able to receive some direction from the physician.

[@brianaendara5859]

Hello! Is there anyway I can have a private consult with you?

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hello. Yes, please complete my contact form and I will respond. Here's the link: pameladwilson.com/contact/ Choose telephone or virtual consultation.

[@desireejacobs8434]

Hi when do you know that your mom needs to go to frail care

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Desiree this video may be helpful. kzbin.info/www/bejne/jKfckGeGeLySbq8

[@Print229]

Dignitas in Switzerland, begin application day after diagnosis (read In Love by Amy Bloom). Canada just changed their MAiD laws to include dementia. DON'T let dementia take you and the people you love to the bitter end.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hoki - Thanks for sharing. Everyone has a choice about how they want to live and die regardless of governmental laws or perceived restrictions.

[@BiCF]

Hi there! My name is Baylee and my father was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I have questions specific to his condition that I'm not comfortable sharing in the comments. I love your advice and gift of knowledge on the subject! Is there a platform that I can reach out to you individually, maybe send a video to you directly explaining my questions regarding my dad & send it to you? Thanks:)

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi Baylee - There are a couple of options. I have an in depth online program on dementia where you might be able to find the answers you are looking for. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/ Alternatively you can schedule a meeting with me however there is a cost. You can learn more on my contact page. pameladwilson.com/contact/

[@jeninepereira8464]

Your tips were very helpful❤ But my grandmother cant hold conversations or undertand what we are trying to tell her.. she cant complete ber sentences, so i dont know how to enter her reality... sometimes she says she wants to go to the doctor and then we agree with her and we say that "we will go to the doctor after eating.." sometimes she cant understand.. she will say "what?" Can yiu help me with what we can do then...

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi Jenine - Thank you for your questions. Entering the reality of a person with dementia means being with them in the moment. So it could be anything from holding your grandmother's hand and doing something that comforts her like playing music she used to enjoy. By your description it seems she may also not understand your responses. So if she says she wants to go to the doctor because you know her what does this mean for her. Why did she used to go to the doctor? Was it to address symptoms or pain. So if she is saying she wants to go is she in pain or not feeling well. All of this is kind of like being a detective to understand what the person wants. It may just be the comfort of sitting with you or doing an activity like looking through old photo albums of people she remembers. Use what you and others know about her, her history, likes, dislikes, habits to figure out how to give her comfort.

[@jeninepereira8464]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you so much for your support♥️ I really appreciate you and for putting so much of effort to help people. My grandmother is doing much better now, it was just a minor stroke it seems and she is getting better🥰 this was really nice to actually have someone to ask help for and you are being very supportive not just to me but to everyone in your comments 🥺 once again thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@jeninepereira8464 - It's my pleasure. I'm so glad that your grandmother is doing much better now.

[@kimschultz7370]

This was good information. How can I talk to you? Email? My dad has a form of dementia and is in a little bit of denial. He has an upcoming appointment with a neurologist and I would like the doctor to order an MRI. How do I talk to my dad about this? I'm so worried about him and my mom Thanks K. Schultz

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi - you can request a consultation by completing this form on my website. pameladwilson.com/contact/

[@valentina_rm11]

My grandma, who is 87 years old insists on wanting to visit her mother (who died around 36 years ago), and always wants to go home whenever too many people visit her. I just don’t know what to say in those cases… does she believe she’s younger than she is? I’ve been just so confused to handle the situation, and I’m at loss of words because she used to be this vibrant, energetic woman.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You hit the nail on the head when you said "whenever too many people visit her." Too much "stimulation or activity" can result in feeling anxious or uncomfortable. Your grandmother saying she wants to go home means that she feels unsafe and remembers home as a place of safety. Perhaps limit the number of visitors to one at a time so it's not so overwhelming for her. She, in her way, is telling you she feels uncomfortable and unsafe.

[@maypl4171]

I together with my sister care for my mum who has severe dementia. She berates and threatens me whenever I try to help her, I find that confronting. I don't know what to do

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

May - her behaviors may be the result of fear, her not understanding that you are trying to help her or something else. Perhaps try putting on calming music and talking to her in a soft voice explaining what you are about to do so that she is not surprised. If you can stay calm she will stay calm. There are a lot of things to try to see what works.

[@maypl4171]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you, I will make it a point to speak in a soft voice keeping calm too

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@maypl4171 You are welcome!

[@Scotty-Z70]

yes, i need to stop getting frustrated, but rn he's lost in a town he's never been in 2.5 hours away because he drove off this morning,..and has been driving for 12+ hours ...and i don't know why. i couldn't find him all day, and finally he picked up his phone. he forgets how to use it. It's making me sad, and i need to be more patient...it's just hard to watch him not understand things that just a few years ago he was doing for a living.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Driving is a very hard thing to give up because it means independence. The best you can do is to be kind, patient and considerate because he truly can't remember and does not intentionally try to make things difficult.

[@Scotty-Z70]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert i just spent all morning trying to find him, give his battery a jump, and all he had to do was follow me, but he went a different way and got lost again.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@Scotty-Z70 I know this can be frustrating but by what you are telling me his attention and memory span is very short. He can't follow you or follow directions because the thought of doing so is forgotten within seconds. I know this is hard to watch and accept.

[@Scotty-Z70]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert yes. and the pacing, he does that. He is constantly bringing me things and asking me why i owned them...or what they are...and, the thing is, they are HIS. Yesterday he asked me why i hooked up MY voltometer to a pencil...first: not my voltometer, 2nd, that isn't a pencil, that is part of the device that you hold to check voltage. sigh. Thanks for your input.

[@Scotty-Z70]

what can i do to reverse this? is there medicine? food (like greens)?

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Scott - Oh how I wish. If the diagnosis is truly dementia or Alzheimer's managing it is the best you can do. Here's a link that may be helpful from my website. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@BufferingMan]

My mom has dementia, and she always says wanna go back home (she's actually at home) , im so stressed and she makes phone calls so many times while i'm at work

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Wanting to go back home means she is seeking comfort and familiarity. Not sure what to tell you about the phone calls. She does need to be able to call you if there is an emergency. Re her calling you at work. Why don't you leave a note and let her know that you will call her at certain times during the day so that she is not interrupting your work. I don't know the level of her memory loss - this may work or not work depending on how short her memory is.

[@kristensawdust]

My mom got her Alzheimer's diagnosis yesterday she is 72. We knew it was coming as both of her parents had it. My issue is my dad (terrible hearing loss) who won't fix his hearing (his hearing aids are 12 years old). My mom also has anxiety and depression and it turns to panic when my dad can't hear her after constant repeating, he will not carry a cell phone. He is very combative and stubborn. If he can't communicate properly with her how is he to care for her? He says he hears perfectly well, but we all know that is in no way the case.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Great question about how he can care for her. Here's an online program on my website that has a component about memory loss that you may find to be helpful. It may be possible that you or another of your siblings has to take a larger role in her care. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/

[@tennesseegirl5539]

IM FRUSTRATED BECAUSE MY MAMA HATES ME NOW AND THINKS I BORROWED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND NEVER REPAID HER SO I GET THREATENING TEXTS AND CALLS ALL THE TIME! SHE WANTS TO PUT ME IN JAIL! YOU GOT A SOLUTION FOR THAT????? Sorry. My heart is breaking and I need to vent!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi Tennessee - It's okay to vent. I'm curious, does your mom have dementia or Alzheimer's? The behavior you are describing may be indicative of a cognitive issue. If so there are other solutions.

[@tennesseegirl5539]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert idk know. She was diagnosed with Dementia. She makes up these extremely elaborate tales. I mean absolutely insanely embellished stories! It is just mind blowing!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@tennesseegirl5539 - What you are seeing is unfortunately part of having a diagnosis of dementia. I'm not sure who is managing her care or if anyone, but medications can help with the paranoia. I know it can be hard not to take her actions personally, but the disease is taking over and she's not the mama you remember and she won't be as the disease progresses. Sending you positive thoughts!

[@tennesseegirl5539]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert yes I know all to well. Guess what, my Daddy had early onset too, but because of alcoholism and so my family has been through this already. As a matter of fact, when we buried Dad, that's exactly when Mom started to "get weird" THIS IS THE WORST DISEASE EVER!!! AND BECAUSE OF COVID, NONE OF THE SUPPORT GROUPS ARE MEETING IN MY AREA. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@tennesseegirl5539 - So sorry this seems to run in your family. I have an online support group on Facebook, it's called The Caregiving Trap. There are a lot of great caregivers there who will be empathetic and offer advice, me included.

[@bkstandard882]

Somebody asked my mom where she lives and she responded saying the address of someplace we lived 25 years ago. Today, she said that the phone wasn't working. I kept testing the phone by calling it and she kept trying to convince me its not working. She then plugged it out and got pissed. She has not been diagnosed but I honestly think she may be experiencing some cognitive decline that is associated with that. None of my other siblings seem to have the time. I seriously hope that this is just a matter of her being extremely stressed out but I fear there may be something deeper going on.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

For your sake and hers I would have her memory tested. This way you have the opportunity to make a plan if she has dementia or Alzheimer's. Your siblings may not want to know.

[@whirlnub]

Thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

You're welcome

[@SkitTtles-cz4st]

My mom has very early dementia and slowly starts to yell at me during conversations sometimes, I try to stay calm but sometimes I find myself yelling back at her. She keep saying I yell at her for no reason like she doesn't start any arguments

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thanks for sharing. Here's a program on my website about caring for parents with memory loss that might be helpful for you. It's in video webinar format. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@moniques9273]

Hi, i have been searching for answers on KZbin. Your video has been helpful, and I have shared it with my 95 yr old dad, who is mum's first caregiver. It's so difficult. She is like sticky toffee, not wanting to separate from my dad. Dad is very tired physically and mentally. He bears the brunt of her many bad days. Today, dad says she was ok, but the minute I got there, she talked about wanting to throw herself out of the window, which she often says, and going to live in what used to be her parents house, and my nephew occupies. Apart from what you explained, how can a person with depression coupled with this illness and trauma, be helped? Thank you

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Hi - thank you for sharing your story. People with memory loss often want to return to a place of comfort, thus the mention of living in her parents house. Is the "wanting to throw herself out of the window" a statement she has made all of her life or is this something new. I ask because habits or thoughts that people used to suppress before dementia can come out more. Is she on depression medication? Can your dad do anything to have some time away from her so that he can recharge himself even if only for a couple hours here and there? Here is a module on my website all about dementia in video/webinar format that you might find helpful. pameladwilson.com/creating-a-plan-for-loved-ones-with-memory-loss-caregiver-program-education-webinars-videos-ecourse/

[@moniques9273]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you so much for your kind and quick reply and for the link. She started saying this during the time of her dementia, I remember because it was a shock first time I heard her say it. My brother passed away 10 years ago and this was a big blow for her and probably the start of her illness. I will ask the doctor about meds🙏 I am glad that I’m making an extra effort to get informed, although late in the day but still in time to make things easier. I take them on long rides in the car and I’m making arrangements with my cousin whose mum also has dementia to take them-out and give our dads a break. Xxx

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@moniques9273 It's never too late to learn more about dementia and caregiving. Your interest in the subject and caring for your parents shows. You are doing great!

[@moniques9273]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Thank you for your support and encouragement 💜

[@neceminlinda]

My father remarried- developed dementia, his wife moved him into a new home. She has no pictures of his family and children. I'm sure this doesn't help him remember his family??

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

NeCee - No. it doesn't. Can you send photos or take them over? If you get to know the staff they may be able to help you make video calls so that you can talk to him more frequently.

[@neceminlinda]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert his wife try's to keep him from us. I had to find his new address on public records and just showed up. The house has all of her family non of his.. when he saw me his eyes lite up!! He remembered me - called my name 😭🤍 he has a picture of me in his wallet. Im so frustrated bc I live so far from him! I truly believe she has him thinking his family deserted him! But she doesn't allow us to visit him. He doesn't have his phone anymore so we have to call her to speak with him and she can be very hateful. She's his power of attorney so she manipulates the family with it 🥲

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@neceminlinda Check out this program on my website and I'll post another website I will share. She doesn't have a right to restrict your visits. pameladwilson.com/how-to-get-guardianship-of-a-parent-obtain-legal-guardianship-online-course-pamela-d-wilson/ and this website catherinefalkorganization.org/

[@UKAdministrator]

My dad died recently and mum has gone into a care home. She is awaiting diagnosis but in the meantime she is unable to care for herself. There are so many reasons why, but she can’t cook/clean/wash herself/tell the time or day and wouldn’t take any medication. She’s constantly saying she wants to go home and get a job - she’s 90. How do I deflect when she talks about going home please? Love from the UK x

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Sally - Thanks for sharing. There are a number of things you might say to deflect the "going home" issue. Realize that she is in the moment so something like, let's do X then we can work on going home. Or ask her what type of job she would want to get? Redirecting the subject to something else that she can talk about and will remember from years ago can be helpful.

[@UKAdministrator]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Tuank you so much for your reply x

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@UKAdministrator It's my pleasure.

[@eurokay4755]

@@UKAdministrator One author I've read suggests that caregivers consider how disorienting and frightening it would be to wake up one day and for everyone to suddenly be insisting that it's now 2050, along with all the changes that would go with that 'time travel'. She described a patient whose middle-aged daughter visited regularly, and it irritated the patient when the daughter reminded her who she was because, in the patient's mind, the year was 1945-ish, when she had worked as an aide in the Defense Dept during the war. For her, this gray-haired "old woman" who kept showing up and insisting that she was her daughter was irritating and offensive! For some reason, this anecdote has helped me deal with my own mother's behavior a little better.

[@adonyisrael1724]

Hello Ms Wilson! I’ve spoken to you about my mother with dementia. It’s apparently gotten a bit worse now. Question: if she should not recognize me in the future and she’s afraid of me bc she doesn’t know who I am, what do I do to reassure her she’s safe??? I don’t want her to be yelling or screaming at me! Lol Thank you! 😀

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

She may not recognize you in the future. What you can say if she is afraid is to reassure her by saying something like, "we've been together a long time and I'm here to care for you and make sure you are safe." Don't feel as if you have to convince her that you are her daughter if she does not remember you as such, you could say you've been lifelong friends or companions.

[@kristinshelton5958]

My Mom says her home isnt her home. What do i tell her where she currently is?

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Don't try to convince her otherwise Tell her that "she is with you and that's all that matters." She is probably remembering her childhood home. You can also say, "this is the home where you live now" and then you could reminisce with her and ask, "what did you like best about your home." This may be in her long term memory and she may be able to discuss this. If not, let it go.

[@kristinshelton5958]

@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Thank you so much for your response. It's comforting to know there's people out there who can help!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

@@kristinshelton5958 You are very welcome.

[@MrJoaniejoan]

I just shared this with my dad and my siblings My mom fell and brain injury 2020 & has dementia now My biggest concern is my parents have been together for 63 years and now my mom is separated from my dad in melted care. Mom doesn’t understand why

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing your story. If your parents are separated it must be really difficult on both of them. It might be possible to find a story that your mom can accept like, your dad lives separately because he has to work to take care of the family or his job means he has to live somewhere else. If her memory loss has gone beyond the point of comprehension you may have to find other ways to comfort her about their not living together. Every situation is so different.

[@jbabe1970]

My father is paranoid and thinks someone is coming in his house. I’m hearing this on a daily basis. I try to be calm.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thanks for sharing. Being calm is good as your responses can impact his behaviors. Do your best to reassure him. Also discuss the paranoia with his doctor.

[@brendareed5050]

This journey is so challenging when your dementia person is also blind, bipolar and an amputee. Also very insistent on living independently but can only afford 23 hours of paid care a. week.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Thank you for sharing. What would the situation look like if you were not involved?

[@skyfly6560]

My number 1 concern is his desire to drive it causes upset every day

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

Driving with memory loss can be dangerous. You can contact the physician who made the diagnosis and have them complete a DMV form to revoke his license and then disable the car from working if you are not the power of attorney and cannot sell it. The physician should also have a discussion about the diagnosis and the end of driving privileges. Then it's important to identify alternate means of transportation. .

[@triciacarl5412]

God this was helpful! 😂 Thank you!,,,,,!

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

I'm so glad! Thank you for the comment.

[@daviddhani8552]

That why my grand mother is so so difficult to deal with.

[@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert]

David - Dementia is a very difficult disease and understanding how to speak to persons with dementia is a skill that everyone can learn.

[@daviddhani8552]

Everything i do for her and she even curse at me for no reason .