How To Work With Childhood Attachment Trauma

In this video we cover: attachment, dismissive avoidant, avoidant, anxious preoccupied, intimacy, healthy partnership, healthy marriage, fearful avoidant, journaling, journal prompt, tools, therapy tools, conflict, self-regulation, toxic, toxic family systems, boundaries, truth, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, alcoholism, scapegoat, genogram, siblings, dissociation, trauma
THE TWO BOOKS ABOUT INNER CHILD WORK:
-MARGARET PAUL - INNER BONDING
www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-...
-LUCIA CAPPACHIONE - RECOVERY OF YOUR INNER CHILD
www.amazon.com/Recovery-Your-...
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:45 How To Work With Childhood Attachment Trauma
3:47 Secure Attachment Style
4:22 Anxious Preoccupied
5:11 Dismissive Avoidant
5:54 Fearful Avoidant
8:27 Avoidance / Anxiety
10:34 Anxious Preoccupied | Re-parenting Tasks
12:56 Dismissive Avoidant | Re-parenting Tasks
15:23 Fearful Avoidant | Re-parenting Tasks
18:29 Final Thoughts
19:54 Journal Prompts
22:32 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

[@amycuaresma]

Hey Patrick maybe you are unaware of just how amazing you really are. The way you make people laugh, lift others up, or spread some extra love. You do this even though you are struggling too, and I think it makes you such a beautiful human being. You are reason someone feels welcome, seen, heard, valued, loved, and supported today

[@patrickteahanofficial]

Wow, thank you

[@amycuaresma]

You're welcome - it's true

[@JaimeGstl]

Beautifully said Amy. And so very true. Thank you Patrick!

[@takyrica]

I concur!!!!! His videos have been life changing ❤️

[@sriharimuralidhar9036]

@Krishna Patel absolute truth! Hey, do you wanna be friends?

[@jennaferrell7525]

Anyone else always shocked on how we have to re-parent what our parents didn’t do for us?😩

[@christinecamley]

Yup.

[@andziagreen4922]

Yep, it's painfull to realise this and me at 46 trying to heal 20 years of dysfunction and abuse I wish I could pay someone to do it for me because it's a long process and you need to really do it yourself if you want to have any healthy relationships in the future. I'm perfect example of self-sabotaging, abandoning myself, no self love, no boundaries or healthy communication and my favourite cherry on the cake being self-fulfilling prophecy. 25 years of more trauma, pain, heartbreaks, depression, mental burnout/breakout, suicidal thinking and finally awakening or some might call it God/Angels intervention. I'm in recovery and healing now.

[@crazymusicman13]

I can't believe you post such quality content for free. may we all be filled with loving kindness.

[@Joelswinger34]

I agree, it is very generous to offer this for free!

[@hs-qk9qf]

I'm so tried of people saying this...everything isn't about profit/ money. Knowledge and healing is the payment.🤔

[@espenney6502]

@@hs-qk9qf do you feed yourself and pay your bills/rent with that philosophy? Know generosity when it is in your face.

[@zuzanna6468]

I am a complete dismissive avoidant and it sometimes feels like being a psychopath cause i can easily throw people away. It sucks

[@melissajanczura2825]

Questioning if I've ever had a true connection with anyone. Yes, it does suck.

[@NorthernT]

The part where you say “ you gotta love yourself maaaaan” Your natural demeanour around such a sensitive subject makes dealing with this a little more comfortable. You are an incredible human helping other humans and that is the most commendable thing.

[@Fortune090]

Had a huge mental breakthrough literally just yesterday, and it was about the fearful avoidant attachment style. So, yet again, here I am complimenting your timing! This isn't the Truman Show, right..? hah. Your content is amazing Patrick; you're leading so many, myself included, to healing I'm sure we never thought we'd find, however late it may be.

[@jojotheoj]

Same! I’m reading Attached right now. There is hope for us.

[@jordanlee6885]

His videos always come at the right time

[@SusanKG]

I've been a loner for so long that the "want to" has died. I have zero desire for human relationships. I am content in my own space with my three dogs. The only remaining irritation is when a coworker or some random person becomes rude or aggressive in some way. Thinking about my abusive past, of course, still hurts, but I am slowly coming to terms with that too. I will never have the family or relationship I once thought I wanted. Period. I give myself permission to live life on my terms. No more endless compromises. I wear what I want. I eat what I want. I read what I want. I listen to whatever style of music I choose. I sleep when I want. I buy what I can afford. I laugh and cry when I feel the need to. There was a time in my life when none of that was possible. Freedom is more sustaining than any possible human interaction. I think we need to be okay with that outcome too. We don't all get the Hallmark version of happily ever after, but we can find meaning in life in other ways.

[@bethknight4436]

Yes, I know. Me, too. But do you get lonely? I get very lonely sometimes.

[@abbykendrick5748]

I was just thinking that on a hike with my dog the other day. Freedom is most sustaining for me as well. That’s exactly where I am and I’m happy with it. Being free of the tension and insecurity around relationships is priceless and affords me growth and peace of mind. I don’t get lonely because i have peace. I can always find people to talk to if I really need to, but mostly that just affirms my desire for freedom.

[@bethknight4436]

@@abbykendrick5748 thank you Abby, that was very helpful. It’s a process - “Trust the Journey”

[@suncoco6495]

@@abbykendrick5748 same here

[@AlenaAleczandra]

I grew up with a burdened mother who gradually became mildly but consistently depressed, and a strict, authoritarian, cold, and extremely irritable father. Later on, my mother had a stroke and was left paralyzed. They didn't understand each other at all, yet they never divorced. Additionally, at school, I had a violent teacher who used to beat us if we made a mistake and made us learn out of fear, humiliating us and speaking harshly. I was 7 years old, and I know that from that moment on, I was no longer myself. I lost the courage to voice my opinions, express my views firmly, and showcase my personality. It shattered me at the core. Under the constant stress, I developed migraines, a condition I still suffer from today. I lived in chaos - fear, arguments, and my mother leaving for another country, which I didn't fully understand at the time. This led my sister and me to stay with our father, who attempted suicide, believing that our mother had abandoned us. The chaos around me has turned me into an anxious, fearful, and untrusting individual today.

[@mynotificationsareoff.400]

My husband and i were both physically abused. It leads to a lot of unique conflicts, but endless understanding. I love him so much :)

[@scarletrosita]

I’ve been watching your channel for a couple of months now and I want to say how grateful I am for them. I live on a fixed income otherwise I’d pay you money. I’ve been really struggling from a lot of things including a high ACE Score (left in a room to die aged two. Eventually sent home from hospital), PTSD and dissociative disorder. In the last one of your videos you spoke about how childhood trauma leads us, potentially, to making terrible adult relationship choices. I’m your flagship gal. I’m trying to heal and you’re helping. If I win the lottery you’ll know about it. Sending you love and peace

[@Schlafschaf-qc9gk]

I am so sorry for you, how terrible what humans can do to children 😭 I wish you lots of strength and courage to face these dark times and leave them far behind ❤

[@jonaskoelker]

> left in a room to die aged two What?! I... What?! I'm sending you some love and peace. I hope it gets there.

[@user-rl8jr6ls4z]

I didn't get involved with a real person until I was 18years old because of limmerances that started when I was a young child (very young.) They would last for YEARS. I was miserably lonely. When I finally got involved with a real person at 18 years old, it was a train wreck, and the relationship was a train wreck. I married the next one. I can say we loved each other to the best of our abilities. He died of a glioblastoma (brain cancer) about a year and a half ago. Since then, my psych issues have come roaring to the forefront (extreme anxiety, anyone?) I am lonely again. But all this pain has made me ready to deal my childhood trauma.

[@andycodling2512]

Really needed this..I'm caught up with being a friend with my ex but deep down I know my inner child wants him to love me and I know I'm going to get hurt

[@babylej]

That must be hard. Wishing you peace and clarity 💕

[@andycodling2512]

@@babylej thank you 💖

[@maydavies888]

Being a friend to your ex endangers your inner child, and your inner child knows it. Would you keep a toxic ex around to have access to your own children? No. Then why expose your inner child to such dangers?

[@Yoshemo1]

I was like this for over 10 years. Finally got him to try to date again and all it did was get me abused for an extra year and a half before I finally realized that I'm better off without him completely.

[@dacksonflux]

It might be helpful to date other people. I've had this problem before and honestly, turns out he wasn't the best thing to ever happen to me. Believe it or not, there are awesomer dudes out there.

[@B33st1ng]

The feeling of chasing someone when they're metaphorically running away from you, while you're both supposed to be in a relationship is painful. I didn't want to be abandoned so I promised myself not to break up with them, they broke up with me in the end but it was for the better.

[@sageschroeder]

I agree. I understand it’s patterns of behavior, manifesting in subconscious ways though…-sigh- For me..I am cautious at first, but if I find someone attractive, we can have some good conversations, laugh, feel comfortable being silly, share some interests, and they aren’t stuck up or cruel…I’m sold. If they still are being normal and taking time to build to that point, I feel like I’m chasing and they are running. I know its not usually happening like that.. but I feel it….and it makes me want that connection, that dopamine hit. Ill push too hard. Or, conversely, if my depression kicks up I’ll withdraw. I don’t want to make someone feel bad, and I’ll be boring. Or I get overwhelmed with life, and I’ll isolate, and come across like I don’t care. Disappear for a week or more. Now I’m running, and I feel worse. Or I don’t know what to feel. the feeling of being abandoned is terrible. It’s terrifying how we become vulnerable to a person, but they can leave . No matter what we do on our end. Even in that we still end up being the one abandoning. Sorry that happened. I’m glad you know it was for the better, for whatever reason. It makes it a little easier to move on. Ugh. Dating with childhood trauma sucks. hope you’re doing alright these days.

[@ShinyEvergreens]

This video blew my mind....I am fearful avoidant. This explained the attachment styles better than anything I had previously seen. I always knew I had the avoidant aspect, but felt there was something missing. I've been noticing that my relationship is very hot and cold; up and down, and it's because of chaos that *I'm* creating. I have a hard time trusting my partner and myself but at the same time don't want to lose the relationship. Thank you so much!

[@unveilingtruth526]

I can so relate! It is so uncomfortable to see. Relationships with me are totally up and down, and I reach a point where I believe I am standing up for myself but end up being hypercritical of the other. Just started noticing this in my 40s...terrified I will be like this forever (even though I am catching myself more and more before acting out).

[@abbye3813]

hey patrick i love your videos, i have a suggestion. Could you make a video talking about what a healthy romantic relationship generally looks like? i feel like i know what an unhealthy relationship is but the line is blurred between perfect and healthy.

[@Joelswinger34]

I think this is a big one, or maybe the root of all the problems for me! I also love that you talk about fixing it in a "good enough" way, because I tend to think I have to do things perfectly! Also, I think you could do a whole video about mindless clichés in the recovery community!

[@trishgreen2892]

Patrick, would you please do a video on losing a parent. I just lost my mom two months ago in December, and I was her caregiver and the rest of my family who lived near us didn't help me much at all. She was 83 years old and had diabetes and dementia. I miss her desperately. I've been very depressed and mourning her death. I also have been doing a lot of thinking (ruminating) about the past and myself, and have listened to many people who have Asperger's, particularly women. I strongly suspect I am on the spectrum and I hope you can do more videos on how people on the spectrum will deal differently with life than a normal person does. Thank you so much for all that you do for us on KZbin! So very grateful.

[@Zorriel]

My partner is secure attachment with a healthy childhood and I'm anxious preoccupied attachment, it's hard as a lot of problems are caused by me. But his patience is what I need

[@up3564]

I'm so tired of trying to heal. Ive now been in therapy for half my life at 57. Interesting topic, "connecting" feels impossible.... I'm thinking it has to with being adopted, and never really connecting with my primary care giver.... family or anyone. Solo sux and is also the only option. Lost (disorganized)

[@RM-306]

I wasnt adopted but I resonate. Im 38. We can never give up mate!

[@user-gu5dd3hy3s]

Both my parents died when I was a child Raised by a pedophile My sister hated me Always putting me down and lying about me I’m very lonely afraid to have friends trust missing but I do feel lonely and lost but cannot trust people I’m depressed and lost

[@tahiyamarome]

Again so targeted and useful. Does anyone else struggle w watching these videos w full attention all the way through? I find myself hitting a point in the topic that resonates and then it's like my brain wants to run away and i have to keep backing up and re-listening from the point of the recognition that it's about my experience. It's kind of like a sensitive tooth or something.

[@sakhilepadi3501]

It's when it hits a nerve and your mind is digesting it, I think that's what you're saying, correct me if I'm wrong. I find that happens every time in therapy, whether I'm reading a book, watching a video, or even talking with my therapist. When something hits a nerve, I pause there for a bit and can't seem to move on because my mind is digesting it.

[@tahiyamarome]

@@sakhilepadi3501 great way to describe it. Thank you.

[@bethknight4436]

Yes, it takes me forever to watch one of his videos ☹️

[@AhhhSukeSuke]

😕 How are you inside my head. You're seeing me more than my own psychologist

[@DanDanTheFireman]

You're saving lives. Thank you. I'm open about my mental health on my channel and your videos are unlocking the next step for me. It's scary, but I'm in a good place to learn about myself. Thank you.

[@takyrica]

So scary but amazing. I love his videos AND the comments! This is the place I come to be seen and validated without saying a word. Shout to you for embracing the painful and scary.

[@jessqinn7702]

Would love to hear some attachment stuff that’s not about romantic relationships - I can’t even do friends or support people! Let alone romantic.

[@sii479]

When you said "It's you and me, kid" I started crying lmao

[@MxEverybody]

As someone who is mostly detached and avoidant, I find it hard to see an issue with it… there’s a lot wrong in how I deal with the world and I have a lot to work on, but having more involved relationships seems counterproductive

[@marilynking527]

Well you got the first step which is awareness! You got this!!!

[@katierose1893]

Amazingly helpful video. I'm just shocked that 50% of the general population has a secure attachment. Who are these people and can I have their childhood please?

[@katieg7679]

I really like these types of videos that focus on attachment because it really depersonalizes the issues and makes them more clear as to why we behave the way we do. It's a relief to understand that there is a reason for these behaviors other than we are just hopeless and inherently flawed. The degree that these things affect us shows just how important loving relationships and bonding are to being human.

[@dianapop6054]

Well said 💗

[@llkellenba]

I believe I’ve cycled through all of the attachment styles in attempts to feel safe in relationships-romantic and otherwise. It seems like one style may be more prominent in romantic relationships then a different attachment style may be present in other relationships such as friends/co-workers/family. Also I’ve observed myself cycling through these various styles in a single relationship over time. Basically throwing spaghetti at a wall in an effort to manage my fears and anxiety about my relationship situation. Connection and intimacy has always been the desire, but a lot of anxiety fear and despair about whether I could establish and maintain a genuinely close healthy connection. I alternate between desiring relationships and giving up in despair getting by being independent-basically taking whatever crumbs the few people in my life throw my way. In the past I had a pattern of premature commitment and long term investment in people who I was not well matched with. A mess and ultimately alone. Lots of childhood trauma which I tried to achieve my way out of - basically improve my sense of value. I did achieve a lot in a scholastic sense. But in retirement it is no longer valued. My family is now stiff arming me sharing the story that “you use too big of words” - I think this expresses resentment and accusing me of showing off. I was a healthcare professional and politically liberal so with the culture war shifts I’ve become a target when none of this was front and center in the past. I don’t ever bring it up but the little contact I have they make snide comments or avoid me. Fun dealing with stonewalling during an already isolating pandemic. My family/siblings are not safe relationships. They have become worse as we aged, and even more aggressive or avoidant as I began to look at our trauma history and work on restoring connections. Nope - met with more fragmentation, avoidance and wounding. Way beyond my skill set. Again I misjudged the desire to be present and/or in a relationship with me. Ugh 😩. I have LOTS of time to work on my relationship with my inner self-very little else happening. Isolation results in a lot of struggle around “rejection and abandonment” as I note others hunkered down focused in on their own pods.

[@Shines-On]

“My family/siblings are not safe relationships.” I needed to read this!!! I had to go NC with my entire family of origin because I was in such a dark place and I’ve been so confused on whether I’m doing the right thing. That statement is exactly why I feel I am doing the right thing. It’s so very hard, painful and confusing to go NC with the ppl that are supposed to be loving, supportive and have no hidden agenda. So thank you so much for putting down your thoughts here!!! It’s been 2 months now w/out my family getting in my head and with therapy on my CPTSD that I’m starting to see things clearer. I have my own family that is amazing and I pray that everyone who was dealt this crappy card in life can find an amazing partner. Thanks again and God bless.

[@michellet796]

I've fluctuated a lot on attachment styles in relationships too, so I hear you on everyting you said in the first half. I've had different family experiences but still feel like I over function to make things work & other family members seem to either expect me to do all the work or just don't feel much need to connect with me like I've always needed. Anyway just trying to say you're not the only one. I guess this is why we have to re-learn how to think about how we feel so we can take care better of ourselves the way we've expected others to want to care for us.

[@jb-ze1yh]

Great video. I’m only focusing on my attachment style, no one else’s, no more trying to figure out the “other” person ( specifically my coparent). I’m only focusing on how to ensure my child has a healthy secure attachment style and The people in his life foster those skill. Great video and great perspective shift .

[@thezzach]

14:40 JUMPSTART …exactly what I need! I’m in therapy and making progress finally after decades of feeling stuck. ❤️ 15:20 Fearful Avoidant WOW. that’s ME? holy cow 20:00 Journal Prompts

[@nioko444]

Could you please do a video about someone with ''daddy issues'' and what behaviors are common for someone who has this issue? I would appreciate it a lot.

[@stephaniewhite9633]

I never realized this, but I’ve been a runner for a while. I liked being in my relationships, but when things got difficult, I threw the relationship out the window and went on to the next. I’ve healed a lot through my current relationship though. This is the longest one I’ve been in and I’m commited. This is a very interesting video. Thank you

[@lesliemcdaniel6642]

You are truly a gift to us survivors of crappy parents, and for the first time you give real direction for a way to healthy interactions....I love you man!

[@WatchingNinja]

I feel like I'm not one type. Depending on what is going on, I can cycle through these.

[@mistsister]

I am anxious preoccupied and the love of my life is dismissive avoidant, and I wouldn't have it any other way because it is forcing me to change. I am changing! Haaaaard one, connecting with the inner child, still so vague but you're working on helping with that. Thanks so much 🙏

[@ga5957]

Just what I needed. I knew I had issues with attachment, I just needed to understand how it tied up to my childhood trauma. Thank you ♥️

[@morpheusgrace1071]

Hi guys, is there hope? I'm 30, diagnosed with Cptsd due to my "lovely childhood". I'm starting to think I'm doomed. I don't want to suffer like that for my entire life, clinging to the hope that's something's gonna change, or maybe "tomorrow is gonna be better". It's not like I'm excepting for someone else to do the hard work for me, I really don't. since the age 12, I had eating disorders, heroin addiction, 10 rehabs, toxic relationship with covert narcissist (etc). Despite everything, I never gave up - and rebuilt my broken life. Moreover, I managed somehow to finish my college degree recently (social work, I know 🤦) - and I'm fighting for myself with everything I've got. I've been in therapy (a lot of them actually), and it's useless (at least for me). Support online communities are much helpful and productive than "professionals" who usually have neither idea nor awareness of narcissistic abuse/ emotional severe trauma, etc.... After so many failed attempts, I don't trust anyone. NEVER AGAIN. All they did is retraumization (is that even a word? you know what I mean, sorry for my English). All those bullsh!t about "Just love yourself", "Oh, just let go", "acceptance" - Yeah, obviously theoretically and ideally it's true, but Jesus Christ, easy to talk! It's freaking frustrating. How can I give myself something (or - "reparent" myself, like WTAF?!? If I knew how to.... I would've already done it, wouldn't I?!). I've never been given or learned about?! I'm really scared that I'll waist my entire life hurting and trying to fill this Black giant hole within me. Life meant for living, feeling, experiencing, etc - Most certainly not for barely surviving them like an injured, starving and lost animal. And I Know it's supposedly "a choice", but common.... not really. Maybe it's not appropriate to share this here, but honestly, at this point I have nothing to lose, and I couldn't care less anymore. Just wondering if someone can relate or share their experience/ thoughts opinion... Whatever. Thnx for taking the time to read. Hope you're doing well, Anna, Israel.

[@klxzz]

Dismissive avoidant. But, I just totally don't care about any romantic or sexual relationship... all I want is to have someone where I can be there for them if they're sick/injured/etc and *vice versa*. Someone to just grow old with and mutually care about and for each other. Being aro/ace actually kind of sucks, but I just don't experience romantic and sexual feelings -- I've tried. Several times. And I never feel a connection. This all significantly narrows down the dating pool. (and yes, hormones have all checked out within normal to optimal levels for my age).

[@deeb8733]

Patrick, you are a beautiful soul.

[@spikelett2751]

Im definitely anxious preoccupied 110% ÷ Fearful Avoidant and my husband I'd say is a combination of 1/3 secure 1/3 anxious preoccupied and 1/3 of dismissive avoidance. It's difficult but we are working on it pretty well. I found these videos and the other day it was my man's idea to and he was actually interested in starting to watch one video a week together. Baby steps.

[@marilynking527]

Ok so I believe I was anxious preoccupied before I got into a relationship and when the relationship ended I’m now fearful avoidant. Thank you so much for this. You have helped me in so many ways!

[@donttalktomebye]

I really like that you explained these on an axis because i am both fearful and avoidant but not necessarily fearful avoidant. Mostly avoidance but with anxious attachment motivations. Im excited to learn and unlearn!

[@LePetitNuageGris]

I honestly have a hard time telling which attachment style I have. It’s so hard to know myself… I have no trust in my own self-perception. I am what others see me as, rather than who I actually am, for the most part. Yet sometimes, if someone misunderstands me, it creates a lot of distress because I know myself not to be that kind of person. I myself am a breathing paradox. I think I might be anxious preoccupied, but there are also many times that I don’t bring up how something makes me feel until I’m asked how I’m doing and why I feel bad. If someone doesn’t ask me, I perceive that they aren’t interested in me since my sadness is written all over my face and body language, but I’m too ashamed and gaslight myself so that I can’t bring it up on my own because I worry that they’re not really interested in how I feel or are going to be angry or irritated that I stated my feelings, which is something I got a lot growing up. I also got guilted about being upset with my mother when she did something that I had expressed many times I didn’t like or that hurt me; she’d turn it back on herself by getting overly saddened and feeling guilty and focusing in on that, even making up songs about how no one cares about her, which would make me feel like a monster and incredibly guilty for stating or even having my feelings. Security was a very large issue for me growing up; and to this day in my marriage, it is probably the single biggest obstacle I face with my husband (feeling secure). I’m always micromanaging, checking on his anger levels, worrying about what he’s doing when I’m not around, etc. And yet… despite all of this… sometimes when I’m triggered into a place of feeling abandoned, I swerve hardcore to the right. I end up matching more with the description of Dismissive Avoidant. I’ve always felt very insecure in relationships, never really convinced that the person TRULY loves me no matter what they say, always scrutinizing their ACTIONS and the disconnect between what they do and what they claim they feel. This is because my mother often showered us at specific moments with loving words and physical affection, but when it came to emotions and what was the most important thing to me, the thing that most represented my identity (I’m an HSP, so my thoughts and emotions are the definition of who I am), she was incredibly invalidating and would redirect to herself (“Well how do you think I feel!?”), even if she had no business doing so because the topic was something happened to me at school. Her actions told me that she didn’t care about ME at all; she just cared about her child. I could have had any personality and it wouldn’t have mattered. She would have loved me because I was her kid, not because I was me. My point is that, since I’m insecure like this, sometimes when I feel triggered in a place of abandonment and I feel like that doesn’t matter to the person because they’re failing to at least validate my emotions and experience with sympathy (“I’m really sorry you’re feeling that way; I can understand why you would,” or something like that) and they’re too wrapped up in their own feelings and reasons for doing what they did, I feel very unsafe. Then a shift occurs. I end up feeling very avoidant of connecting with the person. My heart shuts down, and I go into self-preservation mode. Without meaning to, the connection I had to that person and the warm feelings I had for them suddenly get cut off, and I find myself feeling like if they left, it would be better for them and I could stop bothering them. I even think about how to escape. In my past relationships, I would cut people out of my heart and maintain a superficial attachment to them, even if I had deeply cared about them at one point. It was easy, and I was always ready to cut someone out of my life. It’s very strange… is it possible to have more than one attachment style? Because I seem to oscillate between the 2. One moment I’m very anxious to not upset the person and extremely worried when there’s a conflict to even bring it up, and then the next moment I feel completely removed from them and have no desire to connect and feel content on my own. I feel like neither is representative of who I truly am and how I want to be.

[@tearthangel373]

I have CPTSD and PTSD from Military sexual trauma. I feel that I am Anxious Avoidance Attachment Style. I am in EMDR Therapy. My X was a Sex addict and the gaslighting provoked my triggers of Fight and Flight. I also had financial betrayal

[@sergioornelas1644]

Hi Patrick, I've just started watching some of your videos and really like them. It's nice to have a therapist who has also gone thru childhood trauma themselves, although obviously I'm sorry you went thru that stuff too. I grew up in an Alcoholic family. One of my favorite self-help books is 'Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics' and your videos remind me of that. I wanted to ask you or anyone else here the following: Growing up things were crazy at home, many death threats and some attempts, a lot of verbal/psychological abuse and just intense/crazy stuff. I have 3 siblings but feel I grew up alone. We didn't share any feelings or talk about anything or any affection, etc. As adults we get along well and can joke around. The problem for me is that I can't open up to them about anything emotional/meaningful and I don't want to. It's extremely uncomfortable. Put simply I just want to live my life without them being a close part of it or of my emotional life, I don't think I would want them at my wedding for example. We never hugged growing up and just the thought of hugging now is weird/uncomfortable. We all now have the same faith, but even that is very hard for me to talk with them about because of how personal it is for me. I feel like I just want to be left alone by them at times and want to move far away. Growing up I always wanted another family or family situation and I think that plays into it. I can open up to friends but only if they are not friends with my family because then it's that same weird feeling. Has anyone else experienced something like this and is there any advice on this? My siblings and mom are really good people, it just causes the most uncomfortable feeling for me and affects me negatively emotionally. My dad was the alcoholic and he still drinks, he has mellowed out but I still can't stand seeing him drunk so if he is around I can only see him in the mornings. Thank you.

[@fringbabyross4718]

I’m a male with anxious preoccupied attachment. I was seeing and in love with a woman with disorganized attachment. You can imagine how that played out. All I can say is OMG….OMG. Most painful experience of my life.

[@gmamose9152]

You are so spot on with all your videos in my corner. I know there are people that we vibe with or not, but seriously, Patrick, you're describing my life. Lol. I love listening to your stuff, and although I feel that your stuff is not triggering (you have a wonderful delivery) at times I do step away as this relates to a heavier time in my life. It takes bravery to go back and take a deep look, but before I get trapped into something that might feel slippery, I take a break and love myself even more for protecting me and not getting engorged on info. Like a starving person presented with a smorgasbord. It's ok to go slow! Thank you ❤️

[@shibolinemress8913]

I tend toward "dismissive avoidant" (of potential partners) but I think it's more because it's safer to be alone than to find a partner and risk losing them again. Plus, I've never had any direct experience of stable partnerships, especially not between my parents. So I say to myself, why even bother? I'll stick with the lesser of the evils.

[@jediping]

Hmm. Definitely avoidant here. Had to be independent as a kid because I didn’t know how to make friends, so I was often alone. Still don’t really know how to do that. I have friends, but none geographically close, and I need more local friends but am also insure how to make them. Most of my friends kind of adopted me, or at least were the ones to initiate the friendship. But I have also had only one romantic relationship that lasted like a week, and otherwise I assume no guy is going to be interested in me, because only that one guy ever was. And I tend to assume the same thing about non-romantic people, too, despite evidence to the contrary.

[@sockpuppet2415]

I adopted associates that I called friends. They were not reciprocal relationships, they were one-way, with me doing all the giving and psychological work adapting to their needs. Very expensive in many ways, and unfulfilling. I have since learned I am better off alone.

[@Marylou-Johnson]

I appreciate how you put on the same shirt from the previously recorded video. That's a nice touch! This one is food for thought so thank you!

[@spicypotatosofttaco3227]

I'm so dismissive avoidant that I didn't think I was until I saw the strategies 😅

[@laurisawitch0707]

With fearful avoidant I noticed I actually have done most of the work (I definitely faulter every now and then... But my relationship is mostly stable...). Then I realized maybe I'm mostly on the dismissive avoidant side... Wow. That's interesting

[@stacyalcorn9184]

I love the "what did I do"..constantly saying this and to see it is part of a response really opens up an awareness instead of literally asking what did I do. Much self talk to work on. Thank You!

[@cindyloomis-torvi3396]

There was a difficult accident that happened when I was under a year old. It was not my mothers fault, but no one thought to help me work through it later. I also had a covert narcissist mother. I learned through experience as a young child not to trust her.

[@piya9503]

Promts: 1. What does your inner child think about having real and safe intimacy? 2. What was modelled from your parents about secure attachment? Their relationship? 3. When you are triggered around your partner how do you behave? 4. What is something we can do about all these? stopping something or starting something?

[@angeeangela9500]

Never thought I was damaged Thanks again

[@hollywright3610]

When can we trust that it’s safe to feel and not be drawn into the death spiral of repeating the trauma from abuse caused by parent at very early age

[@smileyface702]

I'm a bit of a nerd about attachment theory and I love to see an introductory video on adult attachment styles done right -- great video! Love the graphics. Trying to decide which of your book suggestions to start with. Anyone have any thoughts?

[@annetteprice]

I’m a mostly dismissive-avoidant (getting better though!) who was married to a fearful-avoidant. I could not see that relationship for what it was when I was in it. I just remember being really, really confused a lot of the time. Distance from it is what finally allowed me to see it clearly. That and healing my own attachment style.

[@evaharryson]

Hi Patrick. I am so happy to have found your videos, I feel so safe and supported by the way you explain things and it’s great modelling for how to be a “functional adult” in support of my inner child as I go through the journey of trying to re-parent myself. I wish there had been an adult like you somewhere in my childhood!

[@perikoowl]

Omg, i never thought this is free, you literally saved me from misery

[@crystaledwards9878]

Does any one else find that journaling triggers their inner child? I never want to write any thing down Incase someone would find it and use it to humiliate me.

[@Shines-On]

Uh YES!!!! I’ve never felt safe enough to write things down!!! So yes I understand. But I have so much work to do and I’m starting to like the idea of getting stuff out of my head. I also now live in a very safe place with the family I’ve created. But if I were still with my family of origin or my six year abusive romantic relationship then yeah it would be a big hard NO!!!

[@septimaserpent]

Same

[@parkersre-creation1691]

My favourite line to roll my eyes at in therapy is when she says "the good news is that your survival is no longer dependent on your attachment to your mother" 😅

[@poison_plays]

Out of interest, as a fearful-avoidant, I don’t heavily split on people in the classic “I love you/I hate you” style. For me, it’s more, “I love you/I can’t trust you”. I’m not super prone to testing people or lashing out to push them away. Instead, I’m always quietly watching hypervigilantly for signs the other person is losing interest or pulling away. If I sense they are, I’m terrified to ask if it’s true (though I’ve gotten a lot better at facing that fear and trying to have that conversation through therapy). Instead, I resign myself to losing them, remind myself I’m not worth staying for and everyone inevitably leaves, and start to quietly detach from the bond in hopes it’ll hurt less when they abandon me. Which of course, only weakens the bond and makes the other person feel I’m distancing myself from them, regardless of whether they were ever actually pulling away from me, or if I just fearfully perceived them to be. So, still a very unhealthy relationship style. But not as outwardly dramatic as the most commonly known presentation of fearful-avoidant attachment style. I think of it as kind of the “I’ll take the L” type of fearful-avoidance, lol.

[@sunnyadams5842]

Man, you know Kudos on so many Levels. Just wanna drop a Big Thanks for speaking to a low grade, vaguely annoying yet persistent pet peeves: You GAVE THE YEAR OF the workshop thingy you just mentioned!! Thank you, thank you!🤩

[@kmorgan1488]

I might want to see the trauma training as an African Orphan connected minister who works with orphanges settlements and hospitals. More info?

[@jenrenby]

Wow, I'm fearful avoidant. I knew I was needy and anxious, but I didn't understand why I'd blow up and have a lot of arguments too. A roller coaster is painfully accurate.

[@heatherferrell1954]

How do we meet our needs for attachment? Thanks for another wonderful video! I appreciate what you do. Maybe an example of healthy inner dialogue.

[@suncoco6495]

Wow, are you me? Totally feel the same. You described what I’ve been feeling for a long time. I also recently just started living. It’s very liberating.

[@ClaireMahaDream]

I wrote down all your prompts and will journal like you advised to. I will be patient & kind to myself as I explore my inner child & core beliefs. Thank you so much for another helpful video

[@zenseed75]

I need to watch this 1000x.

[@AvsFan32]

Anxious preoccupied 👋🏼

[@bekabell1]

Thank you for verbalized what I have known but not formulated previously. 'You gotta love yourself' is something I have been commanded to do since childhood, but I have never (and still don't really) understood what that means, how to do it. What is this mysterious 'self-care' i see people talk about? What i saw modeled by my mother (father was not in the picture on a regular basis, so she was my only model) looked, to me, like the same selfishness I was criticized for. My perception was that there was no 'us' she was taking an evening away from for her, which is to say, there was no quality time to compensate for the time away, which left me feeling like a burden from which she needed to get away. Sorry, I don't know where I am heading with this, but just thank you for acknowledging that survivors of childhood trauma may not know what self-care even looks like.

[@bethknight4436]

Very helpful information, thank you so much. I “solved” this problem myself 40 years by deciding I was just unfit for any type of relationship at all, but I sure am lonely. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way?

[@Tassie-Devil]

I have an incredible bilateral communication and relationship with my Inner Child (validated by previous shrinks)... but: * it's one thing to know what the Child believes and why... * it's another to reassure the Child that I (the adult) am in active protective control * it's another ENTIRELY for me (the adult) to experience any kind or romantic desire for a potential contemporary partner * The child's repeated mantra is, "You don't bonk your mother (implicit: or any maternal figure)". Respectful friendship and companionship with any person or gender is fine, but once the 'intimate' boundary is crossed... back away. "It's complicated". And lonely.

[@cloud1668]

I appreciate your videos so much, Patrick.

[@VenusianLissette]

Thank you so much for absolutely everything you do. You make this space so much more worthwhile and as someone whose gone to therapy as a teen, I appreciate you so much. Love the prompts and the work. About to sit down and watch this video. If ever you start a cash app, I’d love to donate, because I may not have much but I would like to thank you w whatever I can monetarily, as you do so much for us here. Thank you always.

[@maceyr.6583]

I have anxious attachment style. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it. 😞

[@fairygurl9269]

Multifaceted Process♡ *Gratitude

[@LittleRedRidingHoodedMercenary]

Being needy is like gripping on a hanging rope with an abyss underneath you: you can't let go

[@annatheres3]

Thank you for the work you're doing, Patrick.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I relate to some of the fearful avoidant stuff, but I never cause drama like that. I also relate to aspects of the dismissive avoidant, yet I cannot throw people away. I do think I am in touch with my feelings, I just find it hard to totally open myself to someone else, lest I be buried by him.

[@spadionkle1003]

You are an absolute gem, I was looking for someone with your content for a long time. I love the way you deliver information. I look forward to more of your work!

[@GypsyChlo]

You absolute gem thank you. ❤️

[@kimberlyrose1170]

First video I've watched, and already subscribed! Thank you!

[@SigneKristineHermind]

Really helpful, thank you!

[@billienova]

So thankful for this channel ❤❤❤

[@wtfisgoingon129]

Is it possible to swing between all of the unhealthy ones? Like I feel like I have disordered attachments 💀

[@juturna-2931]

Needed this, thank you

[@MaureenWHamblin]

Thank you Patrick 🙏🏿🙏🏿

[@rigleiaknapp3227]

I appreciate your videos and the level of emotional intelligence you have so much! I would love to be a patient, but I understand that your practice is full! Thank you for all the amazing work you do!

[@j03150315]

This is incredibly helpful……thank you so much…..

[@flutterbyblue3639]

Respect! Sharing with my son 💙

[@sockpuppet2415]

Very helpful information. More than the attachment axis, you have provided information of how it presents in real time. Thank you for the graphic illustration with notes. Thank you for the journal prompts for self- reflection. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@marianhreads]

Can't say enough how grateful I am for your channel. I have got the Inner Bonding book from the library and started reading it.

[@IndianPolishMix]

super helfpful. A lot to take in and think about and practice

[@QueenHalo]

Your channel has made it easier to love and understand myself and others, thank you! ❤️

[@alisasalem8316]

Thank you! Those journal prompts are key to untangling the thoughts/feelings of the why’s and how’s on this journey of healing. Timely, as usual❤️

[@elsat904]

Very useful information!💯

[@leanna107]

This was really clear and I can feel such warmth from your sincere care as a person that professionally encourages healing. Thank you