How Trauma Makes It Hard to Recognize What’s Really Happening

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When traumatized people date, it’s easy to detach from reality, and create elaborate constructs that explain why other people do what they do, and why we feel hurt by it - without having to actually admit what's really happening. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is feeling confused (a tell-tale sign you've been "soft-ghosted" when the person she's dating is treating her badly.
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[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

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[@momarsha42]

A less than enthusiasic yes, is a no. I used to allow a man to "park" in my life indefinately. No more. I'm not a mouse to survive on crumbs...and neither are any of you. I also decided (after a man ghosted me) that I could not afford to put intimacy in one basket...person...anymore. I needed a community of people who could be intimate with me outside of romantic partners. Meeting this need changed everything...I no longer feel like a little kid with her nose against the glass, looking at everyone play together. I learned how to be vulnerable and not get attacked. I learned how to allow others to be vulnerable, without judgement. One day I realized that all the compassion I had for others could also be directed internally...self-compassion for all of me...helps me tremendously.

[@christinelamb1167]

@momarsha42 "A less than enthusiasic yes, is a no". That is so good to realize and remember! And "I'm not a mouse to survive on crumbs", another good one! Thank you for your comment, I'm going to try to remember these for myself. 😊

[@stitches513]

This was a great comment! Thank you! I got so much out of it! ❤️‍🩹

[@hipchicagal2111]

I especially loved your statement about allowing a man to "park in my life indefinitely". I literally just detached from a man I was doing that for! Your entire comment is great and gave me more hope for myself, in general. Thank you! ☮️💗✨️

[@oishikaray2767]

Self compassion for all of. Eeeeek!!!! Tysm!!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@almaguillot8597]

If the guy makes me feel insecure, he's not it. Got it ✍️

[@cheesecake4648]

Are you sure is his problem and not you?

[@savioartwork]

Nobody else can make you insecure the feeling is within yourself. Within grade and long lasting friendships I also had insecurities, those are within me and more than often they were not based on the truth. Within friendship contacts communication and also romantic slash intimate contacts and partnerships or on security's and anxieties doubts and mindspins will come up. Also our illusions delusions projections dependency expectations false expectations and beliefs. All of those are within us I know people who have a marriage now and they felt some insecurity when dating in the beginning so if you get rid of everyone we feel a bit insecure about you might miss the love of your life, en als zo die opportunity ten mis out on experiences. If a negative feelings and emotions constantly stay bigger than the positive ones that's a red flag. Of course someone keeps you hanging or it's not really forthcoming then quit.

[@buddyneher9359]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="619">10:19</a> "If he's not really excited, don't give him any energy." <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="897">14:57</a> "You never have to pretend like it doesn't hurt you; that's like an abandonment of yourself."

[@JPcommunicates]

That is super toxic what is said here.

[@amycarter9083]

@@JPcommunicateselaborate pl

[@catharineclendening3660]

I actually got physically sick from the way I was treated by a man. I was hurt but my brain refused to accept that fact. My guts & heart knew I'd been mistreated and I got a horrible stomach ache that kept me up and running to the bathroom all night. I'm so glad this man is out of my life now.

[@stringcheeseofficial1977]

My body does this, too. I thought I had gastrointestinal issues until I moved out of my parents' house. Also, my back pain was at its worst the year I was in a highly chaotic abusive relationship. Our bodies really do be keeping the score

[@savioartwork]

Me too in a much more terrible way that I was not getting physically sick from the way I was treated. The way I allowed myself to be treated and that I was still hanging on to the description and thinking about this person versus focusing my attention on other things. That was really our own behaviour our own focus and their own thoughts expectations and miscommunication go dependency and anxiety that made a sick in the end and not the other person. Let's be honest did anyone Force us to be or even think about or certain romantic partner if it didn't work and didn't make us feel good we could have quit we were not bound with ropes (only the invisible ropes of emotional entanglement codependency and expectations that are all within us).

[@TheQueensWish]

“Crap fitting” …. “making yourself fit within a crappy circumstance.” Pretty good description!

[@Ricki7704]

He told her he was too hungover to keep their date. I don’t know any normal drinkers who do that. Giant red flag that alcohol is more important than the relationship.

[@Jen-b-real]

That was just an excuse .He didn't need to tell her that.He choosed to

[@TopSecretInformations]

Booze is the relationship he's already in... he was just looking for a 'warm hole' after cold drinks.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

She will tolerate it because she doesn’t believe she deserves better

[@Mister_Listener]

You can’t know that. It sounds to me like he got anxiety because he felt obligated to do stuff he lost interest in. He made up a few excuses, prob. not all of them were true events.

[@edennis8578]

​@@Mister_ListenerEven more reason not to keep hoping. Let it go. Whether the guy is an alcoholic or he's just trying to get out of dating her, it's time to let him go.

[@thatraccoonqueen]

I've worked with a lot of social workers and people in the mental health sphere and they often use superfluous language and terms instead of speaking directly. A lot of them do this to try and speak as gently and unoffensively as possible, but it really just causes the meaning of their statements to be lost in a strange word salad of needless terms. Some of them do it to create a visual representation of what they are saying as a way to be better understood, but it's mostly flowery and unnecessary at best and pretentious at worst. Instead of saying "create space" just say 'experiencing feelings.'

[@E4439Qv5]

George Carlin knew what was up. The 'soft language' is the slow death of society.

[@rachelgalus]

I used to go along and then hard ghost people. I still struggle to be direct and say no thank you. I sometimes procrastinate the inevitable so long that it ends up being worse. Thankfully I’ve been happily married for over 10 years… but other relationships and interactions aren’t as easy for me. So to all of you that have been ghosted… I feel terrible about it. I’m sorry. It’s cowardice.

[@Nguoiren]

if someone says to me "it is a test" it would be over immediately.

[@constantlylearnandgrow3487]

why? i would just ask what that means because it's kinda confusing. i guess it just triggered his own feelings of insecurity about himself so much and he wasn't able to articulate

[@mizelle4096]

@@constantlylearnandgrow3487 because it's most likely the first of test after test after test. either you trust me or you don't, and good bye

[@resarm5007]

@constantlylearnandgrow3487 A test indicates you have expectations of someone, and they need to fulfill them in order to "pass" and move past go, collect $200. Do not test people. We are grown-ups and don't have time for that. Like asking people to constantly jump thru hoops. It isn't cool. Use your words and tell people what you want or need. Don't expect them to guess and jump thru hoops passing tests.

[@flower_7890]

Why? 🤔

[@constantlylearnandgrow3487]

@@resarm5007 yeah but in the video it was stated that it was meant jokingly, right? she didn't actually want to test him but felt genuinely attracted to him and was a little clumsy in communication. if they would have addressed it, they could have resolved the misunderstanding but he directly took it very seriously. that's how i understand this certain situation.

[@strongereveryday1891]

My sponsor says I can 'hold space' for a friend going through a hard time instead of giving advice or trying to tell them what to do. Which means to listen and validate and ask questions. But Not get involved. So for me that term means detachment with love from other people's problems.

[@Amanda.Marie40]

Which is bad

[@sparklingloveandlight]

I'm out of the 'crap fit' now. Gave endlessly to a man I thought was the one. Turns out I lost everything, and he still has the audacity to ask me for money. He actually thinks I lost the BEST thing I've ever had in my life😂😂!!! Block block, bye!

[@1984musicman]

"It's rare to meet someone that you really hit it off with". This is such a good statement. I think a lot of people forget this, and cptsd can make you think you've failed or your unlovable with any type of rejection (which is actually quite normal for most people).

[@ritadighent]

If she hit it off with this guy, I'd say she's in trouble. He has issues. She needs to know what mature healthy relationships look like so that she knows how to identify them as good for her.

[@nachiket2211]

You, Anna, came as God' blessing to me this February. I was in such a bad place. Understanding CPTSD has been a relevation. Today, I feel good about myself. Gratitude. Love from India ❤

[@StephanieRoese]

My heart goes out to the woman who wrote the letter. Just know, we all have BEEN there DONE that. It fucking sucks. Especially if you already suffer from CPTSD. Brave on beautiful soul! I SEE you and ALL of your beauty!!

[@tahoejo6540]

It strikes me that the holding space, is creating a quiet moment for whatever feeling needs to percolate to the surface

[@beenstabbed]

Exactly, I feel like that is a part of this person that lacks a sense of identity. This "space" is a place where she can try and find herself within the feelings that she is confused about.

[@jeangenie5179]

​@@beenstabbed "holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@MrAhuraMazda]

@tahoejo6540 while that might be true, it doesnt need to be said. Its natural you would suspend judgment until more info comes through. The issue is the internal dialog and how saying it, "I'll hold space" disrupts what would be a natural feeling of feelings. It comes across as shes about to feel real feelings and then intellectually aborts the thought by this analytical, almost 3rd person perspective intellectualization. The way she uses it is to stop from feeling the full feeling.

[@NathanPatton]

I wonder if maybe they mean that they don't allow their emotions to overwhelm them. Sort of like 'making space' in their consciousness for other things so that they don't potentially have an emotional flashback and freak out on the other person.

[@TheoRae8289]

@@MrAhuraMazda hundreds of years of knee-jerk responses to things that could be understood if that person shut up for five minutes calls that "it's natural to be skeptical" idea into question.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

"It's ok not to be ok!!"

[@marcd2743]

This is lost on a lot of people today. That if you feel like crap about something crappy that there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Suffering is the human condition.

[@urbanerose4095]

I was in a similar situation and what was crazy to me was how gaslit I felt. It was like a slap on both sides of my face to feel like I had been “bewitched” by someone that I gave a chance to connect with me. Realizing that I fell for the bait and switch tactic and also gaslit into believing that I misinterpreted and assigned too much value to the connection made me understand that there really are souless behaving people out here. Based on what I experienced, I don’t believe I can ever take full “responsibility” for being manipulated. I will acknowledge that I didn’t put my foot down and close the door on him for good sooner than I actually did, but just as much as he was “pulling away” I was asserting to him that he needed to stay away if he didn’t want what I wanted. The joker kept coming back to make up only to later break up. All said, I am really glad that I was able to restore my mind, will, and emotions and not deal with his modern day male “sorcery” anymore. 💪🏾

[@2Ryled]

Sounds like he was putting in time just to see if he could get lucky. But time wasters usually put u on the back burner when they have other options. So you dodged a bullet. That's a good thing. If it feels off, it is.

[@jillscheintal4600]

When I hear "hold space" I hear someone trying very hard to keep a placid face on it, to stay regulated and patient when every other part of them is screaming to be able to express themselves, too. Like, "holding space" for someone else is meant to be very zen and capable of sitting there calmly while "letting" the other person have their emotional reaction to anything, but in practice you are stuffing down your own feelings so the other person can have their feelings first without possibly turning them off by your reaction. It seems like she's forcing herself to not feel anything or authentically react because she doesn't want to spoil the (potential) vibe.

[@emmamorgan3930]

The times I've heard 'holding space' is a professional/group leader facilitating that for the person/people to feel their emotions (as you say). I don't think you can hold space for yourself, or a partner, because as you say, you're just stuffing your feelings now.

[@LaChandaGArtistry]

This is exactly the meaning that I understand, and how I use the term myself.

[@laurelosborne8984]

Until you heal your triggers. Once you’ve processed your issues then you no longer have the desire to scream them out first to be heard. Once your trauma is processed you won’t want to revisit it and you will be happy to sit and hold space for someone who really needs it. Think about all the people who held space for you when you needed it. I hope you don’t feel like I am criticizing or judging you. I promise I’m not (it’s just not my intention). It’s just it’s hard to succinctly explain everything through text sometimes or it comes across harsher than I meant. I hope that explaination helps… I used to give advice all the time thinking I was helping. Now that I’m working on my stuff I have to remind myself that my friend just wants to be heard and not given advice. 😊

[@laurelosborne8984]

Until you heal your triggers. Once you’ve processed your issues then you no longer have the desire to scream them out first to be heard. Once your trauma is processed you won’t want to revisit it and you will be happy to sit and hold space for someone who really needs it. Think about all the people who held space for you when you needed it. I hope you don’t feel like I am criticizing or judging you. I promise I’m not (it’s just not my intention). It’s just it’s hard to succinctly explain everything through text sometimes or it comes across harsher than I meant. I hope that explaination helps… I used to give advice all the time thinking I was helping. Now that I’m working on my stuff I have to remind myself that my friend just wants to be heard and not given advice. 😊

[@laurelosborne8984]

@@emmamorgan3930I think you can hold space for yourself. I think it means being gentle and kind and caring. Taking time and not judging yourself. Treating yourself as if you were doing the same for a friend. JMO…

[@Wiggywags]

I think holding space to her means "holding out hope".

[@jeangenie5179]

"holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@annietobin2049]

Cliches are hard to understand because they are place holders for what a person really means. They’re kind of lazy hazy. I think “holding space” means giving someone room to do what they need to do. But I feel like, if someone is showing signs of needing space, it’s probably already over.

[@TheoRae8289]

@@jeangenie5179 that's you not understanding the concept.

[@jeangenie5179]

@TheoRae8289 Exactly my point...and I'm clearly not the only one, ergo meaningless when there is no collective definition

[@TheoRae8289]

@@jeangenie5179 "giving onesself a moment to process an emotion or a situation" I have never heard it in any other context.

[@flower_7890]

I think she got excited about this guy too soon and was full of hope for the future with him, started to fantasize and it's never a safe place ... I know because I've done it too many times😢. This letter brought some painful memories 😔 I hope this lady learns her lesson and feels better soon 🤗

[@Savage_Thinker]

He bounced cuz she is insane. This isint rocket science

[@flower_7890]

​@@Savage_ThinkerAre you a guy? I'm curious why do you think she is insane, what part of what she said was crazy? It could explain a lot and we could learn something new from you😊

[@Savage_Thinker]

@flower_7890 right off the bat. She's doing and saying things that are unacceptable maladaptive behaviors. If you missed that part then you need to work on yourself. She further proved this point by showing us she has zero connection to her feelings. If she can't connect with herself, no one else can either.

[@Conscious58]

On a spiritual level, I like to believe that when the person who is a right match comes your way, if it's meant to be, a simple off-beat, 1/2 joking miss-spoken phrase wouldn't completely scare them away. I like to say no person or thing can keep the person that God has for you from being w/you. Maybe another way of saying, I believe in "destiny.' Having said that, all of us children of trauma have healing work to do (reparenting, healing attachment wounds, 'poking holes in our stories", reprogramming our subconscious thoughts, etc. so that in the meantime, we can bring the best version of ourselves (ex, even small things like being a better listener, doing everything to regulate our nervous systems, etc.) I wish the writer the best of luck on her journey.

[@nerdyrebel1050]

For me, " hold space" means that I'm aware I'm over invested, and waiting for someone feels like a long, empty wait that I could be filling with instant gratification/bad choices.

[@jeangenie5179]

@@nerdyrebel1050 "holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@nerdyrebel1050]

@@jeangenie5179 not everyone can find the literal words. Some people just have abstract feelings. It's a spectrum.

[@jeangenie5179]

@@nerdyrebel1050 but in this case, Pam is a mental health professional, so if she can't name a feeling, then yikes for her clients.

[@Savage_Thinker]

No direct communication especially about your own feelings is something much deeper that's wrong within herself.

[@nerdyrebel1050]

@@Savage_Thinker Idk I understood what she was saying just fine.

[@suchick13]

"Holding space" has become such a - I'll be blunt - filler phrase. I hear from people who are in mental health work; from yoga instructors; from 'influencers'; from HR professionals. It's become just psycho babble. No more meaningful in the majority of the cases than other filler words - "ummm", and "like" and "y'know". After a while in this video I thought "Jeez, if this was a drinking game and I had to take a shot every time Pam used the phrase "hold space", I'd be absolutely hammered by the end of her letter....." I'm glad she reached out and that the CCF gave her good advise. But if Pam is a mental health professional, I wonder if she also coaches her clients to "hold space" using the phrase in the same fuzzy, all-encompassing-therefore-it-means-nothing way.

[@hedy_7084]

Holding space is allowing the opportunity to feel those feelings and holding that space open to experience them…at least that’s how I’ve always interpreted it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@louise_8546]

(Talking about Anna's letter) I agree, it's meaningless and continual word salad buzzword language from a therapist turns me off. I want insightful, supportive revelations from someone who really listens and helps me grasp what I can't discern when emotions run high. It's likely not intentional, though. It does make you wonder if she talks to her patients, and dates, like this. 'Journey' is another very overused word which means little, usually used as filler. I even had my partner on an opticians' website for an appointment today and it said 'let us help you on your journey'! Journey? It's an eye test! These are really not helpful terms when you're trying to seek clarity and reality and to work with it. Anna makes an excellent point that this sort of nebulous wordplay could be helping the author of the letter dissociate.

[@jeangenie5179]

​@@hedy_7084 "holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@christinelamb1167]

@@louise_8546 I agree! I'm sick of all the psycho-babble buzz words everyone is using everywhere nowadays! It's like no one can just talk normally anymore. Just like when I was in school, we all had to dress alike to "fit in". I wonder everyone talking the same is like that, just trying to "fit in"? Maybe. In any case, it comes off as very disingenuous, and it turns me off!

[@filmlover123]

"Hold space" is just another empty "feely" phrase like "You got this!" I cringe when I hear these because theyre pure sentiment and hold zero actual substantial meaning.

[@Ultramowing]

holding space is active listening, acceptance, and reassurance.

[@marcd2743]

Agreed, it sounds nuts too. I think Fairy was right the first time when she said this is some kind of dissociation.

[@ritadighent]

In my circles, "hold space" means to be in listening mode. To not act/react. The letter writer seems to use this idea as a placeholder for authentic feelings and choosing precise language.

[@marcd2743]

@@ritadighent What you are describing, at it's heart sounds good but the way the writer seems to use it is to shut down, disassociate, become passive and ignore reality. Some sort of strange waking meditative state that allows her to break trains of consciousness and get out of whatever negative situation she's part of and likely created so that she doesn't have to take any responsibility for her actions.

[@dinner-at-the-diner]

I find it hard even to click on your video when I get the alerts. Glad I did today even if I had to fast forward thrubit to make it less painful. Thank you. For your strength. And wisdom I have been such a dope about a guy. Limerance. Hoping. Not letting him go when he ghosts etc. So painful to face. But I so truly want to heal and I am open to facing this. Thanks again.

[@carlpacheco2058]

"Holding space" is psycho babble for "being non judgmental and allowing time to process emotions".

[@jeangenie5179]

"holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@thatraccoonqueen]

Well said.

[@eclecticvicki8376]

Oh :)

[@apatheliac]

That phrase has absolutely helped me understand the concept by translating it in a physical context.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

It’s truly being empathetic. Standing in their shoes

[@violiendamast]

I have no idea what’s happening around me all the time. It’s so alien to me to see people around me doing this with such ease. I feel like the alien. I love your channel, thanks you for making videos

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We completely understand, CPTSD can make one feel like an outsider. Hope Anna's content will help you work on this. Nika@TeamFairy

[@julia1992]

Me too. And I’m almost 40.

[@violiendamast]

@@julia1992 I’m 57 ☺️

[@camadams9149]

The idea of soft ghosting is something Im examining more and more. I've always been of the mind "You can't ask for something you don't give back in return". I want a partner that is flexible, who understands when things come up, and who understands I get sucked into things like "Hey, I really like you. However the next 2-3 weeks I need to handle [X] that is mission critical. This needs to be prioritized right this second, Ill be all yours once this is wrapped up" However, Im finding this isn't common & when people display this behavior it's soft ghosting meanwhile Im like "I totally get it. Grind out that [X] thing, I'll be here when that's complete". Idk how to handle that though. I want that flexibility because it fits well with who I am, additionally I have to offer the other person that flexibility or it is unfair, however it's hard for me to tell if they are acting like me because they are like me or they are acting like me because they are soft ghosting. Idk, it leads to a lot of disappointment and confusion

[@marcd2743]

Disappearing is disappearing to the one on the receiving end no matter the reason.

[@julia.rhiannon]

So long as that is communicated then it's not ghosting. I share your desire for mutual flexibility in a relationship. I suggest that people still want to feel valued and the goal is to create emotionally safe and mature interactions and relationships where people can be honest with each other. Many people seem to have enmeshed boundaries rather than taking responsibility for defining and communicating their boundaries. But every relationship needs to have the boundaries negotiated rather than assumed. People have different love languages, attachment styles, values, expectations. Maybe if someone seems to be soft ghosting you then respond by explaining your flexibility values and also what makes you feel valued in a relationship. If they can't be bothered to demonstrate that you're valued while they take the space they need, it's not going to work. And of course, this is your responsibility to make sure they still feel valued when you need some space for [X]. And if they only feel valued when you're giving them consistent and frequent attention well then you know from the start it's not going to work 😂

[@camadams9149]

@@marcd2743 Which is why I find soft ghosting so confusing, because they arent disappearing. I know exactly where they are. They told me and that they couldnt hang out right now. Just disappearing is far easier to deal with

[@charlyforrester]

"mission critical" lol are you the president

[@camadams9149]

@@charlyforrester Nah, I frame things that are existential to my financial viability as mission critical... because they are, instead of pretending: "Oh I messed up" or "Yah that's something I need to get better at" Can't be living life like housing is affordable, healthcare is free, and good jobs are down the block I work absolutely non stop 3-4 weeks randomly throughout the year. I then work ~10 hours a week the rest of the year.

[@RobRowan-l2p]

I also ghosted my girlfriend too. Partly because of the abuse I have suffered, and NOT TRUSTING.. I feel really bad about hurting my girlfriend. She ABSOLUTELY DIDN'T DESERVE IT. I'm really trying to not react EMOTIONALLY. that's a REAL ISSUE FOR ME. I just got to keep moving forward. It's better than being STUCK... Thank you so much Anna for helping me Improve my life. I'm turning 60 on September 12th. I'm going to enjoy the time I have left to live a Non Negative life.

[@chariseb9527]

You do understand that ghosting is very hurtful and confusing? Why can't a person just say what is on their mind instead of taking the cowardly way out of ghosting?

[@muskylemons9357]

Is shaming someone who is fully acknowledging their faults and trying to improve them useful in any way shape or form? ​@@chariseb9527

[@danieldanfoxworth9528]

Try using the phrase, "Don't call, don't come." Works great!

[@somer0703]

Dont feel bad Pam, ive cried quite hard over a guy i was seeing for like a month. It does hurt , its okay. Take the lessons and forget him!

[@ushere5791]

we all deserve better than neglect, abuse, and rejection at the hands of others. the LEAST we can do for ourselves is NOT to neglect, abuse, and reject ourselves. the least we can do for ourselves is to learn how to love, accept, and nurture ourselves unconditionally.

[@LittleBird888]

Needed this. Thank you. I need to be reminded when I’m not treated well he’s not the guy for me, especially when I recognize it and he still continues to not treat me well, he’s not the one for me. And putting myself in uncomfortable dating situations is not healthy dating. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and I know I need help to date right. I’m 51 and never married because every guy I dated before never wanted me that far. Go figure…pattern. I have childhood medical trauma being the only kid in my hometown to wear a Milwaukee Backbrace from 10-15 yrs old for a rare triple curve Scoliosis I have for life that traumatized me for life and shaped the abusive connections I’ve had since then with many. Currently sorting it all out in trauma and abuse therapy

[@Arek.Arkadiusz]

That is some kind of magic. I had a very simmilar situation happened to me this week and I was definitely in denial and confused and then there's a video, which literally tells me what just happened. :P

[@resarm5007]

I think she means she is trying not to cling. Making space. She feels clingy and doesn't want to feel so desperate and clingy, to go slow and give it space.

[@resarm5007]

Holding space is possibly keeping him in her life, her heart, etc. Not really moving on.

[@sugarsnap1000]

Holding space is a term used in social media. She seems disassociated with her feelings, she’s trying to hold back k her feelings rather than saying what they are cause maybe she can’t handle them.

[@resarm5007]

@sugarsnap1000 well, I guess I do that too. Dang CPTSD!

[@jeangenie5179]

@@sugarsnap1000 "holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@222rxc]

Desire is the cause of suffering.

[@prettynikky2097]

Attachment causes suffering for me.

[@TheoRae8289]

"holding space" is allowing yourself a chance to process and understand something. If you feel perpetually overwhelmed by what's going on around you, being able to stop and make space to process what you're experiencing is a lifesaver.

[@zengalileo]

CRAPFITTING! Freaking brilliant. Done it! Doing it! But sometimes eating figurative poop is better than starving to death.

[@Dobermanmomma]

Someone not knowing what CPTSD is while working in the field of mental health is an accurate portrayal of a basically useless field. It's like a doctor saying he doesn't know what blood pressure is. This has been my experience with mental health field, unfortunately completely useless.

[@xxxxxxxxxxx-q4s]

It's useful for them as an industry and pharma as industry, imo. Focus on trauma doesn't work, does taking a magnifying glass to a Petri dish clean up a mess? For me the Bible has gravity although I find I am more grateful

[@purvamandlik4696]

I think holding space for her is like 'giving benefit of the doubt' or allowing a different opinion or outcome than thecone she desires. Basically, i think she is bending over backwards for him , repeatedly.

[@jeangenie5179]

"holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@lena1122]

I think sometimes we meet a person who mirror us a a form of “wake-up call”. She can’t really express her feelings when she find herself on a relationship she isn’t happy so she cheats to leave. Now this man is her mirror as a form of showing her how it feels to be left out but not properly explained why. I do feel for her and understand the struggles. We sometimes need to be the “nice” person and not the villain of the story and that’s why we don’t directly speak our mind and heart. We need to learn to be direct yet kind. Not just “nice”

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I love how people come to these videos and then spout off in the comments all about how they actually know the answers

[@hipchicagal2111]

Aww... my heart goes out to "Pam". I appreciate her letter and your sharing your insights, Anna! I learned a lot about myself listening to this. I, too, deny my feelings, often resulting in really negative self-talk and seeing myself as the "problem". Really, often in every type of relationship in my life! Thank you for shedding light on that (and "soft ghosting"), Anna. ☮️💗✨️

[@jennl4948]

I was also thinking that adding the words "holding/making space.." was a kind of dissociation in the way that smiling or laughing while talking about traumatic events is. It's adding a little layer between you and the situation, making the situation removed from yourself a little bit so it doesn't hurt as much. The writer uses the term leading into talking about painful or difficult things for her.

[@andyblendermann]

Holding space is the concept of allowing someone else to express freely without judgement. But, the way she uses it here.. it's almost like an um at the end of a sentence. I've definitely done weird loop-de-loop verbal stuff like this when my feelings are too overwhelming or too hard to face. I feel for you, Pam. Stare what you feel straight in the face and keep going! You can do this ❤️

[@cynthiahoag2941]

I'm going to take a guess on "space." When I meditate, I think of it as creating space for my authentic feelings to arise (if I am confused), creating space for insights to arise, and space for dots to get connected. The need for space sounds like feeling crowded or pushed. That's what space means to me.

[@irmamakrevski5652]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="120">2:00</a> crap fitting <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="200">3:20</a> avoding healthy confrontation <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="570">9:30</a> soft ghosting, denying how you feel, not excitted, clicked

[@soniafaye9919]

"holding space" is new-age speak that keeps us separate from truth. Meditation is literally holding space, but I don't think the way Pam uses "holding space" she's speaking about meditation. Luckily for you, Pam, when you do the Daily Practice 2x a day, we then meditate for 20 minutes and this will change your life. I hope you learn this amazing skill! I , too, identify with your background, almost perfectly: single mom, lots of neglect and abuse, weird extended family and grandmothers. Still, after trying to heal all my life, I've still been in crap-fit relationships and I still have one-nighters because I'm impatient. And they're easier. Pam you aren't alone, and there are a LOT of us in the mental health field. Please take good care, don't give up!

[@Maggie8108]

The ‘holding space’ comment sounds like my similar learning patience while I practice better-mostly awkward social skills. It’s so painful to watch yourself make mistakes in the growth process. Others don’t quite get where you’re coming from and find polite ways of avoiding you. I’m thinking if this is true, finding self acceptance and compassion through the hot mess stage of growth is how to move forward. Boy is it painful.

[@jeangenie5179]

@@Maggie8108 "holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@MissyQ12345]

@@jeangenie5179 You’ve made the same point many times in here. My goodness!

[@jeangenie5179]

@MissyQ12345 and yet still not as many times as Pam used the phrase "holding space" in her letter.

[@MissyQ12345]

@@jeangenie5179 I’m just curious as to why, tho. ??

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I feel her holding space is wasting time for holding on to him, instead of waiting for someone better. She doesn't want to be alone. She wants to pretend she has someone who loves & wants her.

[@sacredrain7757]

The term “spiritual bypass” comes to mind. Denying negative thoughts is taught as form of magic to make negative thoughts disappear. “This guy isn’t in to you now that he has gotten to know you better”, feels “negative “, but it is there to help you move on, this is good medicine. Nothing says that just because you like someone that they are obliged to keep feeling the same way about you. How would you take it if he spelled out the deal breakers he perceives in you? Let a skink slink if he messages you that he is not signing up for you. There is nothing but your illusions there to lose.

[@MrAhuraMazda]

I request that you make a video about Law of Attraction/Assumption. Particularly, Law of Assumption and its "Specific Person" manifestation. This has a large community and growing. Basically its the idea that I can have anyone ("SP") if only Id get my assumptions about them right. That reality will confirm to my assumptions (which, admittedly is generally true but not for specifics). The problem with the doctrine is the overwhelming amount of limerent/obsessive people trying DESPERATELY to buy into this "law" to get their limerent object, many of whom want nothing to do with the person, are dating someone else (a "3rd party"), or even wishing to break up happy homes to get their "SP." Its such a vile community of people who are lost and being "coached" that if only they'd "persist" they would this love of their life. I cannot imagine how creepy it would be if the object of their affection found out these people spend HOURS of their day doing visualization or affirmations to get this person. This community is completely blind to things like limerence and depression or anything. They are desperate and obssesed, and routinely being abused by "coaches." It's a new form of tarot for those with limerence, and theres very few critical takes on it (NevilleGoddardCritics on reddit is a particularly good at exposing this community). I think this would make a great and important video.

[@SinaLaJuanaLewis]

Holding space is the idea that we let people go through what they need to. When they are ready you let them in. But it's not what she needs to do 😢

[@PsychActually]

I don’t like the criticism of people talking about “part of me…” Parts therapy is a legit therapy. And IFS Therapy, in particular, uses the “parts” concept in the therapy system and it is amazing therapy (read the book “Self-Therapy” by Jay Early). The therapy is excellent for complex trauma, and it is phenomenal for people with DID. Turns out, we all have parts of our psyche that form when various things happen to us, and DID occurs when trauma is so severe that the parts stop integrating/talking to each other and a person seems to have different personalities when a part becomes more prominent or triggered. But we all have them, so it’s very natural and intuitive for people to speak in that way. It doesn’t mean they aren’t taking responsibility or being direct with a situation. It just means they are conflicted because various parts of their psyche are in conflict.

[@clonejones7955]

So much therapy speak.

[@bags_books_and_bowwows]

Food for thought: “Pam” used the phrase “hold space” six times, and “space” by itself another five. I wonder if reading her letter back to herself (and/or her therapist) with those words crossed out might help her step into her honest emotional experience.

[@jeangenie5179]

The guy in this equation isn't crapfitting; he ran for the hills the moment he detected her neediness. She should do the same instead of "holding space'' for someone she barely knows who can't give her the time she wants.

[@user-gb7vx5qu3h]

"Holding space" is fine for a therapist or a parent, to suspend one's own feeling experience to provide lop-sidedly for another person to "come around" or "take time to experience or become aware of, or honor their initially ambiguous or arbitrary feelings". It's NOT a way to be an equal part of a relationship, especially not a new one. If "he's just not that into it", for whatever reason; it's not your job to try to navigate that, while still expecting improvement. Don't hold on. Let go. Let it go. Let go of your need to manage the thing that may or may not be between you. His interest isn't sufficient to meet yours. Your initial impressions were only initial impressions. There's more information now. He's not into it. Let it go. You can't stay "on hold" while caring more, and not expect it to hurt. Accommodating him, as if he's going to make up for it or catch up with you at some point, or with what you expected to happen, is self-betrayal. Move on.

[@noremac0123456789]

“Holding space” is some sort of instagram psycho babble bullshit. It’s so condescending when someone says “I’ll hold space for you”… like really, wow, how big of you. Why not just say. “I’m here if you need to talk”, “I’m here for you” instead of trying to sound more intelligent than you actually are by regurgitating something you heard some “influencer” say.

[@CobraDove1111]

To me men want simple and fun and attraction from a woman...at least on the first few dates, and when she made a joke about a test, that means expectations and to men, that's literally the opposite of fun. Men just want fun and positive at the beginning

[@user-gb7vx5qu3h]

"Holding space", or suspending judgment while another person figures things out, or you wait to see how a relationship or their feelings AND yours evolve, is NOT possible as a foundation for a relationship that hasn't happened yet, and is giving signs of not being mutual, and perhaps not going to happen. It doesn't work, and becomes self-torture, if it requires you to stuff your feelings and pretend to yourself to not have feelings and expectations that you do have, that mismatch you with this person's casual disinterest. The signs are real. The enthusiasm never materialised. It's not what you imagined it could be. He's probably not who you imagined he was. It's okay to let those imaginary narratives go, and continue on with your life in a healthy way, finding emotional support through friendships and family or work relationships until consistent interest from another person, consistently builds and grows.

[@dk3hbsk7dnrr]

Why cant i say “part of me”? It’s not some imaginary nonexistent entity when i say “part” of me. It’s very different from just “me”. I wanna say “part of me” to express literally part of me thinks and not all of me agree. I resonated with the Interal Family System module and so i started using “part” of me in my language. Is it that bad?

[@nothanks5846]

Frankly, Anna’s fixation on the letter-writer’s choice of words was annoying; perhaps her assessment of the motivation was correct, but the constant criticism and questioning made it difficult to follow the letter. I’m sure the letter-writer had quite enough of that nit-picking from her grandmother growing up. 😒 So, say whatever you like, in whatever way you like. Some people will always be committed to misunderstanding you, but most people will try their best to listen and comprehend.

[@kimlec3592]

Holding space is a trendy therapy term..

[@E4439Qv5]

As if 'pop psychology' wasn't already bad enough... ...nature abhors a vacuum. Good luck 'holding space.'

[@AMcDub0708]

“Space” to me here seems to mean “mindful distance between the relationship so that the other person doesn’t feel immediately smothered”. And the other context sounds like “I try to view the situation objectively rather than emotionally.” That’s what I’m getting.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I wonder how he would react if she told him she is blocking him in order to save my sanity??.. I bet he would be relieved because he would be off the hook....

[@resarm5007]

I'm in the same place. Sad. I think he may be relieved and I've known him 10 years! It hurts to lose the friend and the possible relationship. I really like him. I've not dated in 10 years, so this is really hard.

[@mizelle4096]

i don't tell someone I am blocking them. why would you open that door? you just block and move on.

[@NolaCaffey]

What good work you are doing, Anna! I am old, but have learned so much from you, especially having the word "limerence" (a huge and embarrassing insight) and "crap-fitting" (love does not conquer all). So, older and wiser. Thank you and rock on! 🌷🔬💪🕊🇳🇱🌈

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad you are here! Hope your comment will encourage other elderly folks to work on healing! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Sidera17]

It feels like when she says "holding space" she means, "not over investing too soon or jumping in too fast" internally. Like she has actually been taught to hold back expressing her level of excitement, interest, or intensity so as not to overwhelm the other person too soon. It sounds like giving the other person (what society perceives) as "The Proper Space" in the dating stage, but also "holding space" inside of herself to experience whatever may come without jumping to conclusions/being kind to herself and allowing herself to be okay in the uncertainty. I have a similar issue being both autistic and a CPTSD survivor. If I meet someone I'm excited about, I hold back and give more space than I personally feel comfortable with for the sake of not wrecking things with the other person. By nature I am an intense person and very energetic when I meet someone I like, and people see this as such a turn-off, so I try to "play it cool.". It's a bad strategy because it already means you're a mismatch for the other person if you feel you have to hold back from the beginning because they can't handle you.

[@gabbypage6929]

The second they start making excuses forget it.

[@nwr7932]

This person who is trying to hold space needs therapy.

[@pc3235]

don't we all?

[@berniemat5829]

“Holding space” is an attempt at validating one’s experience without judgement.

[@MsDameQ]

I don't agree with parts of this interpretation of her letter. To me it seems obvious he was put off by her behaviour, eg the test, the anxiety. She is trying hard to control herself and not let her anxiety ruin a potential connection. But she just can't. Her emotions are out of tune with what is really happening, and she is reacting not to the situation at hand, but to past hurts. Any healthy person can sense that someone's emotions are out of tune, overexaggerated.I've both been on the giving and receiving end of this, which was the best insight I ever gained into my own dysfunction. I am now strictly separating between reacting to the past and the present situation at hand. The best tool is to give yourself 12 hours to respond to any emotion coming up, meditating on it. (Maybe that's what she means, by 'holding space'?) When you can't trust your emotions, it makes any relationship water muddy. Giving yourself time for the first wave of emotions to pass, can provide better insight into what is really happening. Was a single cancellation really something to react to? Sure, there is always a little disappointment, but the reality is, it was the first time and sometimes plans just have to change. Showing disappointment and disapproval for the first time I have to cancel a date (not want to but have to) would surely turn me of. So I think she has the right insight about her emotions being the problem, or rather her reactivity to them.

[@MsDameQ]

"holding space" - trying to stay regulated

[@labratty2139]

We need a video of how good it is to be single! FREEDOM..

[@user-im5nu6wz8w]

Literally don’t know what it means anymore after hearing so many times of *space* in this vid 💀

[@LindaChapman-u2c]

I'm thinking of moving from having an imaginary Boyfriend I broke up with to going on an actual date with a real human man again someday, so thx for this timely video. I was looking for a trustworthy Trauma Survivor Therapist but I fell in a trust hole when I found out my Exhubby was actually a dead Spy & his 2nd wife's house was burned down after his deathbed confession. You help me a lot in the time I'm battling trusting others again as a homeless Retired Psych Nurse & Foster Mom. I totally fell into a loop of lack of trust in authorities or "helpers" now. You are one of my bridges to help & trust again someday. I stopped dating decades ago because I'm drawn to complicated pathology. TY!🤔🙏🥰

[@b.questor]

How many times have I left the office only to do the opposite of a therapist's advice? Sometimes we do things only when we are damn good and ready...

[@TimothyWiebe-v2y]

Would it be beneficial to actually use the words ‘people I have hurt’ - as opposed to ‘relationship difficulties’ and such?

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

IMO Pam should find a hobby that intetest her in order to heal her broken heart.... It gets your mind off of the sadness...

[@mizelle4096]

my guess about the "holding space" is that is the buzz word for whatever she's reading to help heal and or the buzz words friends are using. to me holding space means allowing someone to feel safe expressing their emotions, no judgement. I agree that it feels like she is not comfortable addressing her emotions. we don't know her past experiences with expressing emotions. edit: and I suspect the guy could feel her low self esteem and didn't want to deal with it or know how to. But letting him know someone was a test, not a good idea.

[@jeangenie5179]

"holding space" is such a vague notion, so it ultimately means nothing. Ppl shd just own what they really mean rather than use ambiguous terms that are open to misinterpretation.

[@ghays9742]

If you didn't like how this ghoster made you feel. Make sure to never treat others like that in the future.

[@lulumoon6942]

Also sounds like he is a good guy but not at the right time for you, keep working, you deserve the best!

[@lt827]

Couldn’t the expression ‘holding space’ be interpreted as leaving oneself open to the possibility? Sometimes when I am struggling to express something, the only way to get it out is to find words that will allow it through my filter. I would prefer to get something out, even in an indirect manner rather than not express it at all.

[@annettehankins3268]

Such a sad situation. Good advice.

[@pc3235]

that's only one way to look at it. another way is she's lucky she didn't waste too much time on this guy and now she's free to do better.

[@turquoisetoile-universalethics]

Many of us never learned to hold space for ourselves. For for our feelings too. Many of us are trained to hold space only for the other person to be understanding only for the other person. I'm learning the hard way to hold space for myself right now. So much pain and I've been in an unsupportive environment for a year. I'm in the process now of figuring out where else to go to get that support and to have the space to give myself that support. Holding space means to have an attitude of non-judgment and walk alongside someone so to speak. I looked that up on GPT. But this writer seems to be overusing that term. I think there's a struggle with her being able to hold that space for herself. I hope she can learn how to do that. She deserves it!

[@R005t3r]

The whole thing went boom at this is the test ha ha

[@LaChandaGArtistry]

I often use the word “space” like this writer describes. I know exactly what she means.

[@onetuliptree]

I once dated a guy we had real chemistry, but at our first make out session I very awkwardly tried to have a conversation about sex, and it was a disaster. We actually did continue dating for months, but it was never the same and didn't go anywhere good. Looking back those many years ago, I still think his reaction was strange, but at that age I hardly knew what my feelings were and I didn't know how to express my feelings or opinions about anything, so I made a big mess of it. The Daily Practice really helps sort through the jumble of emotions so I can express myself without freaking people out.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. So glad to hear the Daily Practice helped you! Keep up the great work! Nika@TeamFairy

[@jennrivrun]

I think holding space comes from an idea and if you can't hold hope for a successful relationship regardless of your trauma and healing that needs to happen, Then you've given up all hope. So the statement makes sense to me. More then a metaphor that's not direct.

[@xxsorrow4tHEbRoKen]

I went through this entire process to the tee- I had to finally block and let the last hang out be the last good memory

[@LynnsYouTube]

Sounds like "Holding space" and "Space" are buzz words her counselor says.

[@Soleil5291]

With political Leanings

[@nothingworksworks3511]

This job, like this man in the story, gives me a stomach ache. I don't know how to quit. I'm only on the schedule twice in a wk or once in a wk. I don't know how to quit. I guess I hope we get a supervisor who doesn't yell & swear at me- I can't take it.. Guess I'm being "soft ghosted" by this job?

[@muppetallica]

Is there any way Pam can do some damage control about her little "joke" at <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="405">6:45</a> because I think the phrase "it's a test" came off less playful and more judgemental. It sounds like they're both busy professionals, and he probably likes her, but doesn't need something else in his life that feels like pressure. Maybe he's been "tested" too much/often by his job, boss, parents, exes... So that threw up a huge red flag for him, especially so early on. I've felt both kinds of attachment, anxious (I inadvertently put my foot in my mouth) and avoidant. Someone even jokingly saying, "This is a test..." (and then implying all the responsibility for planning things from now on will be on me) would throw some ice water on whatever feelings I have because I'd feel like things changed from lighthearted and fun to pressure and judgment, even before the second date. If she were to apologize for the "joke" somehow, could that help them to try again? Just say she needs to clear the air because she can sense something she said playfully came off badly/judgy? She appreciates that he went through the trouble of planning a nice day and was really looking forward to it, but then made what she thought was a cute teasing remark that clearly landed badly? That she's not going to expect every date will be a fully detailed excursion where she'll be standing there with a scorecard? Maybe play it off that way? Like, "I really feel like I put my foot in my mouth with that teasing, because I truly just want us to get to know each other better and have a nice time together?"

[@ScarlettRose7221]

“holding space” seems to mean “give permission” yet with some sort of guilt or resentment.

[@nesxya]

Hold space is a trendy therapy lingo for putting yourself in a neutral emotional space without judging someone or projecting your emotions onto them. It is used for family or couples counseling. Conflict resolution therapy. So literally this poor woman is not communicating or processing her emotions and crap fitting to come across as tolerant or the "cool girl" to date this guy. Huge red flag telling him this date he has to plan is a test on what ... their compatibility or his creative romance skills? Of course he's going to ghost her. Its like a guy telling his date, what shoes you wear to our date is going to be a test. 🚩

[@cheesecake4648]

It is way nicer to say I don't want to continue this relationship

[@ragsdmc7789]

ok, you can stop now. I get it. I'm 😠 😡. I relate to the lady in the letter. I can't imagine it being real and afraid if it gets close. I know I deserve greatness because I'm great. But fear of being vulnerable without freaking things out. Welp I learned a new lesson. I'd like to understand why men can't just say the truth nicely. 10 years ago I would have used physical violence with the run out and around. Im prolly the coolest most real lady ever

[@zamyrabyrd]

Red flag: he was dealing with a hangover.

[@lulumoon6942]

Loved your Emotional Self Editing suggestions, helps is zero in on Truth for ourselves! Also CRAPFITTING ✅

[@serialcatmom4689]

I understand your complaint about “holding space” not sounding right before stating feelings. I wonder if she’s talking about that slight pause or space for oneself one takes to interrupt a “loop” or reaction pattern that tends to “go off”. I sometimes have a hard time saying what I feel before I’ve already gotten into what that means and whether it’s ok or maybe it’s something else etc etc. So I need to “make a space” between the first part and the rest of the loop to be able to “just say it”. I figure eventually with practice it’ll be more automatic…

[@OaktownAlex]

I don't think the person can't id their emotions, but that they want to "hold space" on dumping her emotions on him. Maybe she has been a little pushy/overdramatic in previous relationships.