How Shame Drives You to Obsess on Someone You Can't Have

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***
Limerence is a weapons-grade obsession with other people you can’t actually be with. It blocks you from real love, and holds onto you like an addiction. People say limerence is a projection of who YOU really are, or a projection of the divine - but sometimes I think that toxic cloud of limerence might be generated by the ABSENCE left by your parents’ failure to truly see or love you. In this video I respond to a letter from a man who grew up in a family paralyzed by shame; now he's struggling to form a romantic relationship.
The Signs of Limerence: FREE PDF Download: bit.ly/3PbqblT
***
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I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
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[@MissSothePeacefulObserver]

Appreciate all the episodes on limerence. I tbink this issue alone affects so many of us, and we need to understand it better. I used to call them "dead end crushes", since they can't go anywhere. But we stay stuck in the fantasy to avoid being hurt in the real world. So the "dead end" goes on forever.

[@musicdudem6673]

It feels safer sometimes

[@jess3591]

Very poetically said. The reference to a dead-end that somehow goes on forever really resonated. Limerance; the tragically ironic never-ending dead-end.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Dead-end crush is more descriptive than limerence. I might use that.

[@elvan5922]

❤❤❤❤

[@mattggonzz]

I’m very late to the emotional healing party. It makes me happy when I hear a young person realize they need help and then ask for it.

[@naturalist369]

Ditto ! Me too! Bless you for your lovingkindness ! There is still hope for us also ! I love your intro line "late to the emotional healing party" ... 😁💞🙌🏼 Much Love to you 💜🌻💚

[@mattggonzz]

@ Thank you ❤️

[@naturalist369]

@@mattggonzz you are most welcome ! I feel your warm energy and thank you also for your contribution in making this an encouraging, loving community. It means so much 🎶♥️🔆

[@ginam4387]

It happened to me quite a few times. I would spend years thinking about a guy, romantically imagining our future together, from time to time calling the guy. The first time I watched an episode about limerence it was quite a relief - there was a name for that endless obsession that made me watch life passing by while I had imaginary relationships. I don't know how to have a relationship yet, but I now have awareness and can see the signs of limerence.

[@LG-br3fe]

Same here. Praying for your healing to fully manifest.

[@ginam4387]

​@@LG-br3fethank you. I am praying for you, too.

[@SarahK-ox9si]

Ugh I feel him so much. Perfect description. You’re not alone Daniel. I also don‘t wanna be this weird person anymore. It‘s not who I am. Believe me, it‘s not easier for ladies. The weird creepy energy is just as destructive for us.

[@AlienZizi]

yeah being creepy is one of my biggest fears/insecurities

[@bartiebee6711]

Yes, it's just as hard for women. I met this man at his workplace and there was an immediate spark. We both started flirting within minutes and it continued and escalated through several business appointments. After our business was through, he called me. I was so excited but I couldn't answer the phone. He's not going to like me if he gets to know me. He'll know how whacko I am. I need to get lumineers and therapy before I can expect him to like me. I have to live in a nicer home before I can date. I couldn't possibly let him see how I live. He called several more times and each time my excitement turned to heart break when I realized I couldn't go out on a date because I wasn't good enough. I have thought about stalking him and "accidentally" bumping into him. I've made well thought out plans to do it, then I come back to the present and remember -- I'm not good enough yet. A few years later I still think about him every day and wish I could have found the money to make myself good enough. Several men (other than the guy mentioned above) have tried to approach me, but I have adopted a very standoffish facade to ward them off. I just can't imagine any guy would still like me after the 2nd or 3rd date.

[@nathalyalima7213]

@@AlienZizi me too!!

[@thomash2806]

I saw a therapist for a while (Freudian-trained) who had a going-to-sleep ritual whereby one asks what he called the “life-unconscious” to destroy the bad objects and do the necessary mourning for things we have lost and things we never had while we sleep. All this to take away the thoughts we have that feed the “death-unconscious” that drags us down. Sleep is a great healer. If we consciously ask our mind to do the work while we’re asleep that can be useful. It also helped that he was a very experienced child psychiatrist and long-time psychotherapist and analyst.

[@maryweckerle9946]

You actually are projecting yourself and how you think or wish to be as the person in that relationship. Give yourself a chance with the available people in your life.

[@will89687]

My parents weren't evil; they just didn't know how to be parents. It was only decades later that I learned just how devastating that emotional unavailability and inability to protect me turned out to be. My latest bout of limerence had a quasi-maternal aspect to it that both I and my limerent object found disturbing. I went no contact almost two years ago yet I still yearn for a comforting connection that could never be.

[@Lisa-o4y8t]

😢🙏

[@ninjah8088]

The letter really paralleled my own experience and I am a 50 yr Indian women lol. That's so interesting how such different people from different generations and backgrounds can have such similar experiences. I also had difficult emotionally neglectful parents, weight has always been a problem, I 'limerenced' over classmates who turned out to be very racist people and led to very public, humiliating rejections. I was daydreaming most of the time, which still continues to this day, but I've learned to remind myself that it's not real before I attempt to take any action now. It has saved me in many ways too, though. It was a good, easy and passive way to cope, while I was going through a nightmare of a childhood, however we can't let our fantasies control our view of reality that we share with unsuspecting people. It's pretty inconsiderate too, which also helps stop me because I tend to be painfully considerate, to the point of appearing standoffish. I think that might also be a symptom of complex PTSD. Anna, I appreciate your content and want to highlight God as a good way to release behavior that can impede our attention to life, which can be hard to be begin with. I believe, when I pay attention to God, I start to see myself in a 3rd person POV and I see that I am attracting my parents, which is not what I want. Therefore, there's something there I need to avoid, even if it feels right, (you feel sparks, too excited etc), I start to act like a different person. Someone I can't really sustain, in order to fulfill some temporary fantasy. If that starts to happen, run lol. At least that has become a red flag for myself to pay close attention to, and recognize I've been here before and I know it's a waste of my time, which I have less of now than before. Becoming more spiritually connected to me meant knowing how to protect myself from experiences that lead to a bad place or to nowhere. I want my life filled with joy and happiness so I need to learn how to avoid these repeating obstacles. I don't know if it's something you can forever avoid since I believe it's ingrained in us as a core experience. I use it when I need it, if in bad situation, I know how to mentally divert out of reality for a bit. If it becomes intrusive, I bring myself back to reality pretty quickly through the use of basic logic and rationality. Like ask yourself is this really happening... is this something you really want, why are you thinking about this. 🙏❤

[@lelawells4673]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience - very well expressed

[@kerrymartinez4463]

If one hasn’t experienced a healthy childhood and then trauma in adulthood it’s difficult to convince those with a good childhood experience and happy life that the horrors you went thru exist which is really invalidating. So there’s a double edged sword of excitement when you find a person that you connect with and your energy is in synch, then there’s the down side of not trusting and it not being the right time. So it’s very understandable what the letter writer says. If your life was unpredictable hills and valleys, the challenge of “fitting in” in one’s own mind is complex. It is a very natural outcome that we want to cling to the light, like a bear coming out of the den, it’s hard to manage our minds especially after years of bullying and shame. Being ashamed of your family from an early age on top of being abused that is a huge challenge.

[@mimi123b]

Daniel i’m 25 and my life sounds very similar to yours. i’m attractive and never had a boyfriend so i wanna let u know it’s hard for the ladies too 😢❤ we will overcome!!!

[@mahiaggarwal6286]

Gosh, same here! I am 26 and never had a romantic relationship. I have had 2 limerent episodes. I didn't have a talk with my LO’s.

[@ylana4444]

Problem is…I haven’t met any healthy available people. Very few and far between.

[@rbdb8953]

Oh my goodness, your affirmation of his interest in women right around 16:30 was so beautiful, and I think so needed. Sometimes we don't always hear what we need to from our birth mothers, but it doesn't mean that a surrogate mother can't step in.

[@dougcoleman8972]

Thank you for sharing. I struggle with limerenxe as well. Im 40 male. Good for you getting healing at age youre at. Keep up the hard work. Sending love, im open to any pointer

[@Thomassina1]

Not sure if this is the same, but i did similar after my ex cheated and left for another. I didn't see it coming and was broken by it. Looking back I think it was a coping mechanism employed to take the edge off the loneliness and total rejection I felt as a human. A glimmer of (false) hope for a deflated ego, that I wasn't such an awful person to hv been ditched. It was both safe and painful at the same time.. the endless hope that he'd like me once again. It stopped when other men started to ask me out. This made me feel attractive again though I've since struggled to bond as I once did. I pull away when they want to get close and then I start to like them after they leave out of frustration.. odd dynamic that I felt was rooted in fear and safety, primitive response. My parents were nice people, overwhelmed by life's demands and a lg family w/troubled siblings. I didn't hv a safe place to land. Had to fend for myself b/c I was capable and then often, overlooked. My mom was not the type to give comfort or encouragement, it was always pull yourself up by your bootstraps which I had always done until this happened. Hv noticed 'good kids' with stressful childhoods get overlooked - many blow a gasket in their 20s , all that bundled-up stress comes pouring out.

[@_ANDRA_01]

Limerence is such a huge problem in my live. I broke up with my first boyfriend 5 years ago. Didn't regreted my decision until i heared he moved on. Obsessed over him for 4 years. Until I met someone else, ONCE, and now I obsess over him. I feel it's not bc I can't have him, but i wont make the effort to try. And my mind prefers to obsess instead of being in danger of trying and then suffer if we breakup.

[@heatherariza8463]

I'm a bad example kind of. My bf had repeatedly rejected me and started as my limerent interest. Now we've been best friends for almost 7 years (next month) and, from getting healthy, grew love and stopped idealizing. And he realized he'd idealized me as well. So he "gave up" I joke, as me being the only one he's dated in almost a decade. And God yes I had to realize I didn't have to send the perfect text or say the perfect thing and how to communicate genuinely

[@heatherroberson1648]

As an only child myself we were definitely sponges as nobody else was there and we were up alone against the abuse. Great job Daniel and keep up the healing.

[@ryan.o8519]

Limerence is really challenging and hard to deal with on top of CPTSD. also processing emotions and staying regulated is a daily challenge! i catch myself doing good and then I fall back and am back where i started (It atleast feels that way.) these videos helps though! And i have come so far with your words/videos so thank you 💜

[@devilcat7991]

Hey Ryan, maybe journaling can help you see your change/transormation? I am doing the DP für 1,5 years now and sometimes I am just like that: ah, nothing has changed (old thought patterns) and then I go and check the facts and every single time I do so, I am very much surprised about how far I have come already. 1,5 years ago I did not even knew such a thing as limerence existed...so, good luck to you and please keep believing in yourself.

[@magdalenalamaison]

Anna, he wrote about having been helped by doing the daily practice.

[@gigicatluvr9551]

But..."Daniel" did say that he's been doing the Daily Practice, and taking the courses...

[@naturalist369]

Thank you Daniel. I realize my parents severe emotional neglect of me resulted in me also having problems with limerance. At 27 you are so accomplished having been through all you've been through ! Do the daily practise, writing things down followed by meditation is so powerful for release and healing ! I'm sure it will help with decluttering and help healing the limerance . Biess you! ♥️🌟🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫

[@julietwilliams7326]

I have a theory that the Hokey Pokey is the secret wisdom of the universe. Put this part in for a little bit, take it out. Do the same with another part. Rinse and repeat and then you put your whole self in and your whole self out. Do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Amen.

[@miss_naomi7377]

You are the only one I seen who has discussed this .

[@kerrymartinez4463]

For me, simply slowing down my thoughts and feelings is helpful. That side of us which normal, wants companionship and the love drug and all of that - I can totally appreciate the craziness of seeing someone to love or someone wanting to love you would evoke a wild reaction. And it’s ok to recognize it and deal with it without ANY shame. People have all manner of issues and bad behavior. It’s ok to have limerance, recognize and deal with it without anxiety embarrassment shame. At least we have the ability to notice when we are not at our best. Because so many ppl don’t see their problem behavior and do not care. Just for context.

[@LG-br3fe]

So true. Self awareness is so lacking in most people.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

54 years old and still trying to recover from my limerant past..

[@LG-br3fe]

I am 52 and recovering from my limerant past and one that was 14 years long.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Limerance is so horrible... causes a lot of damage...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hang in there! Hope Anna's teachings will help you feel better. Nika@TeamFairy

[@marijkevv11]

The most real fairy on the internet❤ thank you so much

[@ngodoosmalls]

Thank you Anna.....what an eye opener

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@sagedandy123]

That last definition. Some of us won't ever be cool 😢

[@jackieann5494]

I think Daniel said that he has been doing the daily practice , didn't he ?

[@boblea247]

The Hokey Pokey!! I've been doing that when I noticed I was deregulated in a certain situation it just popped in my head as a tool. Doing it slow was important for me if that helps anyone. ✌

[@Lisa-s7x]

I got your book and have the audio on my iPhone. I have not yet started. Now I will😂

[@krisredlee]

I have the book and listen to it here and there. Chapter 3 is where she does the daily practice. I'd recommend listening to that if you're having a hard time starting the book or having a hard day.

[@AlphaKuyateh-k5i]

Omg why are you so on point every time. I appreciate you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Spiralnebel_GB]

Watching your videos always makes my whole body shake. That seems to be being unregulated, hm !? It feels like the start of panic attack but without other symptoms kicking in on top. Sometimes it also feels like my mind sits behind my body a bit and i need to start focus on my bidy and the present. I am so thankful fir this skill because since then panic attacks got less and less.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You may also like The Daily Practice, a free course that provides a technique that can help with getting regulated: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

[@begonac.9908]

Me gustó mucho la carta de Daniel. Me recordó a mi vida y la de mi hermano en la infancia, con muchas similitudes y plagada de vergüenza. Eres un chico muy joven, haz un tratamiento urgentemente y date la oportunidad de conocer chicas con la mente más despejada. Yo entiendo que sientas verguenza por la limerencia, yo también lo llevo muy escondido pero cada vez tengo más disciplina para no dejarme llevar por la fantasía. Porque en la fantasía nos dejamos llevar por una especie de psicosis pero es mejor la pobreza en la que vivimos, al menos es real que la obsesión con alguien. Mucho ánimo para Daniel. Un abrazo.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Hobbies have improved my self esteem...

[@BryantPP]

They are debilitating that is for sure. And it is like an addiction.

[@mahiaggarwal6286]

Daniel- I want to let u know that even though women with CPTSD don't have to initiate things by themselves but the reality is they also still don't go too long. Women also never succeed. Men expect women to be bubbly chubbly, fun loving, happiest person. Just like you, I also look very attractive from outside but still I want to say that a women with trauma & depression is the most unattractive women in men’s eyes. No matter how good hearted or beautiful she is. And I mean it when I say this. So the guys I have talked to left me after connecting on one call, or one meeting. And that always left me a feeling of that I am not good enough.

[@katfayegarrett3872]

Anna, thank you for this priceless advice. Daniel, i can relate to you..hang in there and listen to Anna❤❤❤❤❤

[@sherryshenellbeauty]

Your videos have been a big help recently. I realized that I have been 'an object of limerence (or straight up delusion)' for a co worker that hid feelings for me for nearly a year.. never attempted a connection with me, only hi and bye pleasantries.. then one day started telling stories to others that we're together without even asking me out.... Can someone give an opinion on this? It's a very bizarre situation that I'd like to know more on how to handle

[@Cepheus773]

As someone who has had an LO and been the LO, cut it off. The only way I ever got free from limerence was when I finally had no contact with that person anymore. The LO being a coworker makes this tricky. Try and distance yourself as best you can and keep communication with them to a minimum. Get management involved if necessary if things start to get weird. Good luck.

[@sarahcouture24]

You probably shouldn't act like the daily practice is a cure all that is guaranteed to work on something as powerful and relentless as self hate because when it inevitably doesn't work for some people, they are gonna Likely feel like its their fault that it didn't work (which its not, no offense but the daily practice is pretty much the same thing as just closing your eyes and making a wish to non religious people, magical thinking at its finest, its not a real effective solution for many who don't buy into the whole God thing i hate to say) and also it will make them feel more hopeless when one more cure didnt work for them. Be careful overpromising and underdelivering, it sets people up for even more self loathing and despair .

[@somer0703]

True. It didn't work for me, but wim hof breathing did. I only understood what the daily practice was supposed to do when I started wim hof beath work. With the daily practice I found myself ruminating on the things I had written down for 20 minutes 😂

[@ChrisRyan-y5v]

First of all I hope you had nice holidays & thank you for your videos & compassion!!! ❤ What about when someone won't leave your mind even though you want them too & you know they aren't a good person, especially to you? Thank you for your videos!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

If you'd like to submit a letter for Anna to respond to on KZbin, you can submit it here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

[@hartartiste7650]

I was told that he had put a love spell on me to ruin my heart and life. Yikes!! Can you please warn people that predators are looking for empaths to do this to? My abusive childhood set me up for noticing attachment styles that are also unresolved. But I really really want and need a safe attachment but do not know how!!

[@devilcat7991]

I am limerent and I absolutely accept it for what it is. By the way, I do not think that totally healthy people do exist. With the DP I often feel like there is something wrong with me and I need to fix it, I need to work on it, I need to do the healing while all the other people out there are just living their best lifes with great partners and all that other fairytale thing going on. Truth be told, I would not want to switch my life for any relationship, marriage or what have you that is around me. They are all just concerned with: how do I look? Am I sexy enough? It does not matter who I am with, as long as I am not alone...kids, house, vacation. The outside pic needs to be perfect. Sorry, but that is the average western person nowadays being in a relationship so I guess what I am trying to say is: There is nothing wrong with us. Other people are screwed up, too. We just do not lie about this to ourself as much...much love to all of us. May 2025 be a better year that 2024.

[@LittleDell-t2o]

Everybody in London corrected me on this one and said it was supposed to be called the 'Hokey Cokey.' I'm now obscessively in love with the British person who told me this. 😁 jk. Thank you for your videos and I'm not kidding about that.

[@annettehankins3268]

I have struggled with this.

[@ewa11411]

I love the new definition of “sexy.”

[@populustremulus228]

Can limerance and erotomania could be related, as limerance would be a mild symptom of this disorder?

[@mariepower8331]

Agreed

[@angelirizarry2666]

Guy is severely redpilled