Stop Being Awkward: Responding to Comments

[@nannypoohbear4845]

I can’t thank you enough for your video on how to stop being awkward. I am 62 and have been called weird and odd. I have suffered bullying, ostracism and sidelined. I have no friends and family leaves me out. I’m kind, sweet and thoughtful but my conversation skills are terrible. My son says simply says “mom you talk too much, and say everything on your mind “. I am studying and working very hard to learn conversation skills. I have overcome the pain, depression and dispaire but it would be Very nice to have at least one person who likes me accepts me and wants me around

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I wish only the best for you.

[@theunclejezusshow8260]

@@HowCommunicationWorks Ahem cuzinz 🏵🧙‍♂️🌿

[@mebeluvined1]

🤗

[@scottmcneely1927]

I don't have a filter either, and don't see that as a problem.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

It's your acquaintances who likely see it as a problem, not you.

[@julion2902]

I don’t care what other people say, you’re the only reason I don’t get bullied anymore

[@zooby11isbambam]

Dude you are making a scary amount of sense to me, I’ve always had issues resolving my desire to not be “fake” and my desire to be “liked/accepted”. The way you put it, operating in my own way, but within the confines of these social norms, really flipped a switch in my brain. Your channel is awesome, I’m glad there’s people like you out there

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you Zooby! You can still be totally unique while adhering to these norms.

[@natalieparker3187]

Bruce - I want to thank you deeply for your videos. I’ve never heard anyone frankly address the awkward situation, I’m newly diagnosed autistic, and learning good social skills feels like trying to identify a color when you’re color blind. But you’re the first one to actually be really helpful on this topic, I admire your communication skills, your videos are great and I thank you very much.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you, Natalie. I'm so gratified that you found it to be useful.

[@mrsm3442]

Oh, please, do not care about the negative comments. There will be many of them. Your videos help us a lot, I mean A LOT and we are so very thankful for that. I was told and I felt socially awkward all my life. Actually, I am just anxious. Your videos are a tremendous help. Thank you so much. 🤗 🌹

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you Mrs. M. That warms my heart.

[@glenda0707]

agreed. I wished I knew these things 60 years ago. thank you for improving the quality of my life

[@sonjahambridge94]

​@@HowCommunicationWorks kx

[@Shellshellzee]

My last boyfriend (of 2 years) almost never made eye contact when talking to me, or other people, and that was something which made me uncomfortable. He would listen silently when I was talking. He would not say, "uh huh, or okay" or things like that, and I would ask him if he was paying attention to me. He would respond immediately, and say, "yes... I was listening to you." I would open up with him and I was transparent about myself....trying to help him to know me. Most of the time, he would not share with me from his life, and as a result, I felt distrustful of him, as though he had something to hide. He didn't ask me questions to try to learn about me, which made me feel like he didn't care. As far as relevance... many times, I felt like I was talking to myself, because he would not add to anything that I said, he would not share a similar experience which he had... he would just listen silently. He would not actually participate in the conversation. I loved everything else about him. We were always together. He seemed to never get tired of being around me. He would always help me, he's a hard worker, my family likes him a lot. He was attracted to me, I was attracted to him. He didn't have drama or residue from previous relationships (unless he was hiding it from me, but I dont think so) We have the same political views, religious views, we had a lot of the right things in common. We both dont have any children, and we had talked about marriage. The poor communication ended up being a deal breaker for me. I talked with him quite a few times and asked him to get help with his communication. He told me that he just likes small talk, and he's right. He will small talk for hours, but he doesn't participate in meaningful conversations. He would not even participate in problem solving conversations. I dont know how to be in a successful relationship with someone who I cannot problem solve with.

[@delusional9282]

I’ve been socially retarded since birth. I didn’t even think it was a skill until my mid 20s and videos like this one have been incredibly beneficial in my life. Thank you, Sir.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You’re welcome.

[@nannypoohbear4845]

Thank you so much I am 62 years old and have been labeled weird odd and strange and have no friends and I’m usually left out of family gatherings my son says mom he just talk too much he say whatever’s on your mind I have been studying researching and working very hard to learn good social skills and I can’t thank you enough please continue

[@possumprince]

I have autism and I've spent years getting good at these skills; I have been told on multiple occasions that I make a very good impression on people. But it's so insanely exhausting doing it all the time. I need to constantly monitor myself, make sure I'm making enough eye contact, make sure I'm not standing too far away (and suppress the part of my brain that screams "too close!!! i need more space!!!" anytime I'm less than 3-4 feet away from someone), make sure I make noises instead of listening quietly, carefully watch and filter what I say, pay close attention to people's expressions and think very hard about what different expressions mean, etc. I've been at this for years and it still takes constant conscious effort. It gets to a point where I'm too busy trying to do the "right" thing to enjoy myself. And even tiny social interactions make me expend so much mental energy that I feel completely wiped out afterwards. Social interactions almost never feel worth it. I haven't interacted face-to-face with anyone outside of work or errands for many months. In my free time I either hole up in my apartment or go spend time outdoors alone. I had a few friends I could talk to without getting too exhausted; they were all autistic too. It was nice, y'know, having interactions where neither of us cared about all of these rules. But we all moved to different towns as we grew older, so now I can only talk to them by calling them or messaging them online. I haven't had anyone I could really consider a friend (rather than an acquaintance) that I could hang out with in person for years. And it's harder, now that we're older, to meet other autistic people. Because at this age, most of them have learned to hide themselves and pretend to be normal so I can't identify them as being like me, or they just straightup isolate themselves and I never get the chance to meet them. Either I put all the energy in to act normal to the point where I don't want to be around other human beings, or I be myself and other human beings don't want to be around me. I wish neurotypical people could stop caring so much about social rules but I know that'll never happen (at least not within my lifetime). It just feels so hopeless. I keep on studying social skills in hopes that I'll finally learn some secret trick that'll make it feel easy the way it is for neurotypical people but I never find anything. I don't know if there's any piece of advice you have to help me but I am so so desperate because I can't keep living like this so if there's anything you know to make it easier, please tell me. I'm desperate for any help I can get.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you for taking the time to leave this thoughtful comment. I can feel the pain in the experiences you describe. I don’t think I have an easy answer. Autism and the need to work so hard to mask or fit in makes a person like an introvert in that social interaction becomes exhausting instead of energizing. One other commenter suggested disclosing your autism to a small circle of friends who you can then interact with in your more natural manner. Lots of Neuro divergent people have had different opinions on this video, some saying it was really useful to learn the skills and other saying that I was promoting harmful masking. I would be very interested in your viewpoint on this issue.

[@dishatto]

I think you need to just let go. Practice each skill until it becomes muscle memory and is integrated into your personality and then you won’t have to try so hard or think anymore. I know it’s easier said than done but you can do it b

[@elisabethklinge2115]

@@dishatto I'm a 46 year old high masking autistic woman - it gets a bit easier - but when you relax the mask slips and you get the "she's being weird looks" then you go home a beat yourself up for it. I appreciate the sentiment behind your comment but for many of us - it never become muscles memory - we just don't have those muscles.

[@sllyjac1787]

Enjoyed your videos. I was a teacher for middle school children with divergent behaviors. I broke these ideas down and helped my students learn to relate and make friends. It was a very rewarding time of my life and I believe it was true for my students as well.

[@annabelle19901000]

God Bless you !!!!! You gave them a gift that will serve them always. 💝🙏😌 I am learning so much from these priceless videos. I just listened for the first tine yesterday. 💝

[@lw5417]

Could you share how you did this for your students?

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

This is totally awesome.

[@chrisa1481]

Your channel has changed my life and I thank you for all you do. Had a TBI some years back and have struggled mightily with being able to engage with others face-to-face- desperately miss engaging in a meaningful and deep way with others and work very hard to learn “work around” and other techniques for improving my interactions (looking at others in the eye when I/they are speaking, not talking in run-on sentences, taking turns, etc). I used to be “normal” so it’s been very tough adjusting to the challenges I have faced since the injury. Your videos are positive, encouraging, and results driven! Rather than encouraging “woe is me” attitudes and convincing people that the world must somehow cater to us, you just call it like it is and offer help for those who’d like to enrich their lives with effective communication. Love how you encourage people and break it all down in a way we can understand - has been life changing for me and imagine other feel the same way!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Chris, thank you for such kind and thoughtful words. Messages like yours make me want to keep making videos. Check out my playlist on chronic illness also. Thanks again, and all the best to you.

[@Hannah11235]

Your commentary on the inauthenticity side of things was so helpful and edifying. Thank you

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you so much. I’m glad you appreciated it. I found a really useful to learn about these things myself.

[@livinglifeleona]

I feel SO awkward sometimes. It's like there's a book everyone read on "how to be" and I haven't read it. So it happens sometimes that I will say something in a group and there's some mass consensus that I said something wrong. If someone tells me later on that what I said was interpreted in a negative way, I feel completely blindsided because no one addressed it right after I said it and gave me a chance to explain. I'm very purposeful about being a good person and causing no harm to others, so hearing I've been interpreted in a negative way always hurts my feelings and makes me think everyone thinks I'm a monster when I know that's not true. I used to just be withdrawn but of course that didn't help either and my job life was suffering. Now I have an actual career and I hope that I am able to build relationships without being interpreted in a negative way. It's definitely something I worry about.

[@juanjoseclevesvalencia934]

You're a well-cultivated scientist, man. Keep on making these insightful and helpful videos.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You’re too kind. Thank you.

[@churchtroll]

Something about social norms that I won't move on: Boundary Crossers. These are people who deliberately cross boundaries, push, press, manipulate, insist, and entitled people (including Karens), that seriously don't care what the rest of us feel, think, want. They want what they want and just keep working/pressing to get it. Boundary Crossers can be as 'little' as the nosy m.i.l. or neighbor who feels everything is her business. Or they can be the dangerous person trying to groom a child, break down their boundaries. We can 'sense' these Boundary Crossers by that little voice that says "this is not what I want. this is uncomfortable. this is pushing/pressing me from my position". The whole idea that 'everyone should just accept everyone as they are, awkward for me or not, is bs. It all comes down to how our behaviors impact others. And if anything I'm doing is making others uncomfortable as a rule/ on the regular...i don't get a free pass to just continue that *without consequences. I can be loud, I can be emotional, I can be very talkative. Just because 'that's just how I am', doesn't mean my coworkers 'should' just hear me out and put up with that. If I were on the spectrum and this way...there's still no 'free pass'. Our behaviors literally impact others and we have to accept the consequences...and accept the reality that none of us are perfect with no room for change/improvement. No one gets a free pass. If 'your' behavior makes me feel awkward, I'm only going to ignore the things that I know won't hurt me. But if you're staring me down, getting in my personal space, and you want to have a 45 minute monologue about why you like Star Wars or roller coasters, I'm likely to avoid you for the rest of time.

[@dishatto]

I sure hope he picks up on this comment and does a whole video on it. Understanding boundaries is a whole skill in itself and I’m even surprised it’s not on his ten list for weirdness. Anyway I’d love to listen to a whole video about boundaries.

[@lisaware9697]

@@dishatto ​ it seems that this and other videos do just that->relay social norms, which I’d consider to be boundaries? I love, love expectare maris’s comment, too!!

[@gigahorse1475]

“95% of the population should accommodate to me” is a very selfish position.

[@steelcutoaths3033]

I stumbled across the Stop Being Awkward video and then watched this video. I believe that a huge step toward accommodating for those who are neurodivergent (and those who are not) is to approach any breach of these social norms with kindness and compassion.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You want people to accept you exactly as you are, right? If you behave in some way that someone perceives as awkward or makes them uncomfortable, you want them to just accept you with kindness and compassion and not expect you to change? Do I understand you?

[@InSearchOfCrystalsAndCryptids]

I really appreciate your channel! I am socially awkward, but realize that I desire to fit into Society better, so as to make my experiences with other people more positive for myself...and others!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You're so welcome!

[@scottmcneely1927]

I care about fitting just enough to have a decent paying job and a girlfriend/wife I can get along with.

[@bewatermyfriend7355]

Desire leads to suffering.

[@x3lA]

I love this response. Most of the time it's counterproductive to reply to negative comments, but you rationalized all of the arguments or criticisms and responded in a way that is accepting and logical. I found this channel a few days ago and I'm happy to have this resource to help better myself. I resonated with your comment of "this channel may not be for you, but for those who feel out of place and are actively seeking help, this channel is for you.(paraphrased)" Thank you for your dedication over several years. I have a lot of content to listen to now that can help me understand social issues much more clearly than before.

[@latetodagame1892]

I'm glad you're around! I hate that people say they don't care what others think. That has to be one of the most poisonous phrases that was ever been repeated.

[@cfedosoff]

I've been looking for help with social skills and communication for 15 years but haven't been able to find much so I was very excited when I came across your channel. I especially like your approach of "If you do 'x' it could make people feel 'y'...try 'z' " You're direct, informative, and I find your videos very helpful. Thank you! (ASD + ADHD)

[@raeorion]

This is a great response 👍🏻💕 as for whether people should accommodate those who are neurodivergent: I think as a culture we need to get better at recognizing and differentiating pure rudeness from neurodivergence. That doesn't mean those of us who are neurodivergent get a free pass on learning social skills (that's me too! 🙋🏻). Also, just because someone's awkward behaviors are a result of neurodivergence doesn't mean they aren't also a socially unsafe person, and it becomes a hard to know where that line is. Point being, this is a very complicated subject that involves both a societal shift and individual responsibilities. For neurotypical people out there, just know that it IS exhausting for neurodivergent people to "mask", or basically, try to act normal. So some signs that you're dealing with ND vs rudeness might be that their social skills wane over the course of an interaction, they might shutdown in a socially or sensory overwhelming situation, or they may have a special interest that they have a hard time not going on about or want to steer the conversation in that direction because it's something they can confidently talk about. Some skills for talking to neurodivergent folks would be, don't depend on nonverbal cues, and be nice about it. If you're sick of hearing about NBA stats from the 1970's, it's okay to say so, but be gentle about it. This person likely also doesn't want to bore you and might even be filled with panic that they *know* what they're doing is not appropriate, but they don't know what else to do, so they just keep talking. Also, the video on this channel about "face" that talks about positive and negative face is good to remember when dealing with people who you know are or suspect may be ND. Space and being able to be left alone are very important for ND folks, so things like complements, offering your help, asking if they're okay, etc will be very overwhelming for them and might lead them to shutdown or other socially awkward behaviors. I know that's a huge comment but I hope it helps someone out there!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

This is extremely insightful and helpful. Thank you so much for posting.

[@raeorion]

@@HowCommunicationWorks 🙌🏻 Thank you! Really enjoying your videos. I have ADHD and a partner with autistic spectrum disorder (ASD) (and I might, too, there's a lot of overlap) and your videos have been really helpful and interesting. Glad I could share something helpful!

[@SallyImpossible]

It is entirely possible to be neurodivergent and to be highly annoyed by other neurodivergent people's behavior like somebody who constantly gets into your space, talks at you and doesn't let you talk. That feels abusive to me especially if it's sustained over time.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

@@SallyImpossible This is a great observation.

[@catbirdler]

Rachel your observations are SO on point. Loved the part about people panicked into talking more than they should because they don't know what else to do and about ND's needing space. I can relate. Thank you for your insights!

[@leeboriack8054]

To be indifferent to what anyone thinks is almost guaranteeing, isolation, and not being understood or included.

[@fattyMcGee97]

I have Aspergers and ADHD. I used to be awful when it came to social skills. Through my partner who has been incredibly accommodating as well as research into social skills - I have learned how to behave in a much more “normal” manner when dealing with people I don’t know / don’t know me. It’s absolutely something that can be learned. It requires time, effort, and the perseverance to power through the onslaught of anxiety. To anyone else who is neuro-divergent like myself, all I have to say to you is that it’s worth doing your best to work on your social skills. If you’re in a rut because of it then you’ll never escape without self improvement. Perhaps society will learn to be more accommodating over time, but that won’t happen quickly. Best thing you can do is look out for yourself and learn how to mesh with society in a more harmonious manner. I understand that it’s not always what you want or like, however nothing in life will ever be perfect.

[@cleverscreenname5698]

I found the original video helpful and interesting. My first thought was, “oh this is a video to teach people masking and how to mask better.” Whether people feel like they should mask or not is up to them, and for close personal relationships it probably shouldn’t be needed. However, for those wanting to fit in better in for daily, surface level interactions at work and social settings then it can be really helpful to know and implement. Not saying it is right or wrong, just a useful skill. I subscribed based on that video.

[@eggy7346]

You stated your reason for the video very clearly at the beginning of it and it's surprising how the point still managed to fly over people's heads. My conversations skills are steadily improving thanks to your videos so I appreciate the content

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you Eddy.

[@kbeautician]

Your breakdown of what is being done wrong and WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. YOU’RE THE BEST!!

[@tobyevans2474]

I really appreciated your video on how to stop being awkward. I feel that I have asperger's - I haven't been diagnosed yet - and I need social skills 3.0. I can handle superficial conversations and people like me when they meet me but at some point, their opinion turns and they shun me. It is so painful and it keeps happening over and over and over again. I can feel it when it happens, too. Your video identified two areas where I am breaking social norms inadvertently because I did not know they existed - saving face and avoiding embarassment. I think embarassment is very funny and so does everyone else, but even if they laugh, if you cause them embarassment, they avoid you. I am so awkward that I just take embarassment as a given and I'm sort of immune to it.

[@rockyduck9133]

Love this video and the previous one. It's so incredibly painful not knowing why others think I'm weird. I've asked over the years and no one can ever explain. It would be so helpful if someone asks you why they're weird to just tell them. Put it into words as best you can. It can save them literally decades of hurting.

[@rmartelly1]

I have had poor timing and too much self disclosure since I was a kid. They have caused me some isolation. Thank you for the clarity in your videos. I now know what I need to work on.

[@aurorawolfe6060]

I appreciate you making a video on specific advice to stop being socially awkward. I feel like many of us grew up/ are growing up increasingly on our phones/laptops instead of face-to-face interaction where we have social "training" so to speak. so, thank you Bruce!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

My pleasure Aurora. Thank you for your kind words. They keep me wanting to make more videos

[@rachelruffing9835]

I loved the video you are referring to and I seriously can't believe people attacked you for it. I love this video just as much! Thank you!

[@Hurleytyler]

Thank you for making these videos. Your interpretations and examples make a difficult skillset seem so much more possible. I'm hopeful and excited to go back to school after discovering your channel!

[@sammylove14]

Thank you for this. My question is: “How do I know what words to say in response to people?” I never know how to say a gracious response and I get awkward.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Listen even more closely to what people say. Then ask them questions about that. Even something as simple as, “that’s interesting, tell me more.”

[@robbiemvd]

As Bruce said, asking people to elaborate on certain topics is a great way to keep the conversation going. It let's them know you're paying attention and that you're really interested in what they're saying. Plus, actively listening is key. For instance, I focus on one or two interesting/relevant points and try to connect them with my own experiences or anecdotes to possibly share them when my turn of speaking comes.

[@TitularHeroine]

@@robbiemvd Well said, and I would like to add that "waiting your turn" and "actively listening" can step on each other's toes. If we're thinking about what we're going to say next, it's hard to be listening and being interested at the same time.

[@robbiemvd]

@@TitularHeroine Exactly. It requires a lot of practice and patience. 🙂

[@BryanKoenig379]

I can't believe this channel isn't bigger than what it is. You are a very intelligent guy and everything you've said in this video is spot on and you are making these videos to get out very good information for all the right reasons. Don't let ignorant people that don't understand what your point is bring you down bc they obviously they don't know anything about scientific communication

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You’re very kind. These comments give me the motivation to keep going. I can take the criticism. It’s part of putting myself out there in the public eye. But people think I’m not going to fight back or respond to criticism. That’s where they’re wrong.

[@JPage-fj7mb]

Wow. This video is a wonderful example of how to respond thoughtfully, respectfully, and with maturity to criticism and being misunderstood by others. It really should be required viewing for anyone who wishes to respond to sensitive and complex issues. A video on how you process and respond when criticized might be a great addition to your list. (If you don't already have one, that is. I'm a new subscriber, so I haven't seen all content to date.)

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you so much.

[@plarpmusic]

everything you're saying is 100% accurate, and I say this as a 37 year old schizotypal shut-in who wishes to function in the world one day... keep doing what you're doing!!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you.

[@joyberk1624]

Just researched schizotypal. That is me in a nutshell. When I attempt to be friendly (sometimes I can fake it ok) and the other person is friendly back.... I get totally flustered and always seem to push others away and/or make them uncomfortable. I am thankful for any suggestions or help.

[@annabelle19901000]

Though you may not believe it yet , you are a very courageous person who has friends just waiting to meet you. If I lived in your community, I would be one of them. God Bless You Always. You are “wonderfully made”.... God made you as you are.... “Just right “. 🙏💝🙏

[@l9fps]

The readily available well-structured information on this topic has been a massive lever to me who seems to be kinda slow on picking up some of these things. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@youtubepolice1060]

That's the kind of feedback this guy deserves, not hatred being spewed at him just for his helpfulness. Good on you.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Great to hear!

[@mintyhippo8125]

Sometimes I was like, “I like being weird/I don’t want to conform” because I literally didn’t understand social norms. I saw social situations as hostile and pointless. But then I was lonely and had no friends and didn’t know why. … it was because I would only talk about myself and had no idea how to relate to people lol I wanted people to like me for me, and since that wasn’t working, I gave up on it lol plus, it was emotionally safer for me to put on a little show for people than to actually have a conversation. “If I wear this funny outfit, people will be happy, and I don’t have to talk.” I was very “me” focused. I wanted them to like me, and I didn’t really know how to like/relate/care about them. So I worked for a long time to figure out how to let other people talk and how to show that I actually care about what they have to say. Instead of focusing on how much they don’t relate to me, I instead tried to figure out how I could relate to them.

[@arondaniel]

Minty Hippo... are you... um... me?

[@peckwong]

GOOD

[@pookahchu]

right?

[@pookahchu]

that's me. new dx of adhd and possible autism three months ago (age 48). what a game changer to know WHY things went pear shaped my whole life... and I want the help. THANK YOU. (oh, and when I was younger, I would have been in the "social norms" / conformist / "fake" camp, because I didn't understand why and it was the only way my mind could understand the gap).

[@marysoldner5788]

I thank you for articulating what most of us probably know. I have watched most of your vids, and have gained some insight into the whole human experience! Wow, I enjoy just listening to people who are able to speak so well. I do alright, but certainly there is room for improvement. Keep these great lessons coming!! Thank you. Meg.

[@earthwishesaccount6767]

Thank you so much for this video and the other one. They are so needed to improve my social skills; I hope is not too late for me. Social interactions put too much stress into my life. Nevertheless, I would like to improve my social skills, so, please continue to make videos on inter-personal communication.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You are so welcome!

[@AliciaMarkoe]

I appreciate your ability to explain things so well. Also your sense of humor is great! I came looking for help, and I find your videos helpful. Thank you 🦋

[@nathanrr92]

As a person who spent much of my adolescent, teen, and young adult life trying to cope with the fact that I was “different,” undiagnosed at the time, Aspergers. I want to thank you for providing these sorts of lessons and messages. It took my years to come to terms with my strengths and weaknesses, and some of hardest work was overcoming some of the stuff you go over in these videos. I applaud your bravery, speaking the scientific and anthropological truths of human interactions. In a day and age where speaking the truth causes great backlash You handle all of this with perfect grace. Hope to hear more. An east like, follow, subscribe.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Nathan I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your kind words. I’m so glad you found a video to be helpful. You are definitely in the target audience I’m trying to reach. Thanks again for taking the time to comment.

[@Citizen-by9vw]

I love this video, and the others of yours that I've seen. As someone who's probably the most socially awkward person I know, who's stuggled with that and isolation his whole life, who was also brought up being taught manners, social norms, and to be concerned about what others think (especially when doing something considered wrong), your videos are very helpful. I know EXACTLY what it's like to struggle with being weird, socially very awkward, and with not fitting in; I was dealing with this heavily yesterday and today--even with people I know fairly well. I've run from almost every potential relationship with women I've wanted to be in, and even from friendships with high value males, primarily because of my social awkwardness/weirdness (and, cowardice, etc...). So, just know that some of us REALLY appreciate--AND NEED your videos/guidance/teaching. Also, as a generation X'er, I'm quite surprised at the comments you've had; not sure where these people get their points of view (what you're teaching lines up with what I've always been taught as being social norms). We need to know how to behave, and I know we must practice socializing in order to get better (something I'm planning on working on). Also, ragarding all these labels that we say we have, if the SHTF and bullets start flying (say, if Western society breaks down, and war breaks out), as much as I'd like to blame ADHD and say that I need to be accommodated, I don't think people are going to be very accommodating--they're going to tell me/us to suck it up, or face serious consequences. Thank you for your videos, and I look forward to more. I'll probably erase this comment soon, since it's quite personal, even with me hiding behind a channel name that's of course, obviously my real name.

[@barryknier6544]

Thanks for your refreshing approach. Psychologists often attribute awkwardness to genetic disorders perhaps to expand their client base. Most of us do not have perfect social skills which, with practice, can be improved. Your analysis and guidelines are extremely helpful.

[@kikka4783]

So great how you insightfully and caringly respond to the angry comments. Incredibly, you helped me solve a burning question that I've been scouring the internet to find the answer to. How far I should be from the camera for teacher training videos! Solved. So, thank you for that AND for the spotlight on specific behaviours that are collectively perceive as awkward. Though he isn't diagnosed, I'm starting to think my son probably has Asperger's and this is incredibly helpful.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

The consensus seems to be that I’m way too close to the camera in my original video. I think it’s better now. But if you look across KZbin there’s a lot of variability in how close people are to the camera

[@kikka4783]

@@HowCommunicationWorks I can't believe you take the time to personally answer to so many comments ...including mine! I really wasn't expecting a response. The consensus on my first video attempts (nothing uploaded yet) has been an overwhelming "Uhhhh, nooo mom" by my three kids who are much more KZbin savvy than me. I kind of liked the shot-from-the-back-of-the-classroom feel to the videos, but I got a 3 outta 3 thumbs down from my kids. So, I'm blatanly copying your distance in this video! Thanks again 😁

[@kparker1615]

Thank you for being so honest with your responses... sometimes the truth hurts

[@raquelmirandacubero3207]

Great video :D I think people react when content has reached them. Find it very useful, clear and refreshing in a world crowded with 'gurus' so thank you so much for sharing evidence based information

[@deanablythe9394]

Brilliant video, I have just watched the video you are talking about here and found it most helpful, I could relate to a couple of things about myself and also experienced with other people and I could see what you meant. This video answered the comments very well, I think, and at the end you had me laughing. Well done and thank you for sharing.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks Deana.

[@4Mikes4Mindset4]

I was meant to find this channel precisely now. I look forward to the upgrades. 🤝

[@perrinaybara2684]

I'm at a point in my life where trying to connect with people just isn't worth it anymore. I'm working on really not caring what people think. I know I can still be respectful, but it's not worth my time to disclose information about myself. Connecting with people is no longer worth trying for for me, and I'm not worth others time. It's too painful, it's too frustrating.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I understand how difficult it can be. But I don’t see how one can flourish without friends, family, intimate relationships, and coworkers. To me life is about relationships.

[@perrinaybara2684]

@@HowCommunicationWorks I can understand that. It is rough. I'm 31 and have had to do everything on my own. I'm a minority living in a community of religious zealots that outcast you if you aren't what they think you should be. Suffered severe religious and social trauma all growing up because I was different. Working with a therapist to overcome the trauma and finally move on, but people are impossible to trust. Have tried several times to move somewhere else but they've all fallen through. I guess from my perspective and with my life experiences, people are just here to screw each other over and make life harder then it needs to be for everyone around them. I like your videos, I like what you have to say and I will work on incorporating some of these, but I can't bring myself to trust anyone anymore.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

@@perrinaybara2684 All I would suggest is that you try to keep your mind open to the possibility that some people are worthy of your trust.

[@perrinaybara2684]

@@HowCommunicationWorks I suppose time will tell. Thank you for the response.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

@@perrinaybara2684 Wishing you all the best.

[@andrewroffey]

Thanks Bruce . You are articulate and accurate in your descriptions of what it means to be a member of society.I get it that you are not prescribing or proscribing what a "normal' person's reaction should be; rather you are just describing. What you say is always interesting and thought provoking.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks Andrew!

[@s0me0ne1se]

One way I found out I was acting awkward and uncomfortable for other people was one time I was recording a class to hear it later and the teacher was sort of clowning. I could hear my laughter and it objectively sounded awful, nervous, loud, repetitive and monotonous; I immediately figured out it was an anxious response since my upbringing was quite restrictive and judgemental. Since then I have successfully learned to tone down my laughter and not make it unbearable by laughing every 15 seconds, I think it has worked because my interactions sound way more calm and mature now.

[@NuNaKri]

I am very thankful that someone exists, who can explain the normal way of social interaction, especially conversations. Before my adhd kicked in, I learned them, I can remember that. But I forgot everything in puberty when other problems occured. I lost all of my friends, since then and tend to feel uncomfortable around others. I miss them so much, its so long ago, but i still miss them. The way you explain everything, is so relateable. I can remember thinking about those things as kid, when I was able to follow those norms, but since then I never met someone else who kinda knew what was going on, and could help to refresh this knowledge. I even lost my job in it support because i am so akward on the phone 😐 the people who want me to be myself don't know what they say. They want me to loose my job, friends and want me to suffer 🤨 Your response to them was very good, if they are open minded, maybe they can understand that your video can help people like me. You opened my eyes, by explaining everything so well. Thank you so much.

[@Blockistium]

9:14 On accommodating neurodivergent people: Well, I don't really see why it needs to be so black & white. Nor the need for social revolution. I see most "accommodation" occurring on a very local level. If you've had groups of friends with neurotypical or autistic people in them, you'll know that the way their difficulties are handled and learned are specific to those groups, & usually involve a mix of accommodation (like understanding limitations) by the neurotypical and learning/coping by the neurodivergent. With common sense boundaries and open communication. It's not that "all neurotypical people need to suddenly accommodate breaking social norms", the point can be much less dramatic than that.

[@siggylev4268]

I am grateful for your videos. They are very helpful to me and others. I imagine that those making negative comments are from a particular age group who were not taught social norms/skills and/or are rude and yes being defensive. There needs to be rules for engaging with others so as to accomplish things and so that interactions will, hopefully, go smoothly. without rules there is chaos

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you Siggy.

[@KDRohan-cz7ly]

I'll say this, your video was a huge help for me, and I greatly respect and appreciate what you are doing for those of us who struggle and hate that we have to suffer through these things! Whether it be to bad nutrition, disabilities, autism, or bad parenting, I thank you Bruce, for your video was a huge help! 💯

[@extramedium1]

This is brilliant! There are social norms for a reason; they help society function. They are often not easy for all of us, most certainly. But you can’t just opt out. It usually only hurts the person who won’t/doesn’t try to comply. This is coming from a woman with a Sociology background who has spent her life entrenched in counter culture and social change. This doesn’t mean accommodations shouldn’t be made, to an extent. But just like any successful person with a physical disability tries to exist in an able bodied world, neurodivergent people need to try to succeed in a neurotypical world. That is, only, if they want to succeed in it.

[@PsicoDelia]

People really did get offended with your video lol. thank you so much for your channel!! it ha helped me tremendously!

[@simnikiwehlatshaneni6765]

I liked your reaction to the comments about neurodivergence, because it truly is a political position to say society should accommodate people who have underlying biological reasons for these behaviors. Understanding your behavior and it's effect on other people can be so helpful because one of the most dibilitating symptoms of adhd and autism is rejection sensitivity. I would have been saved so much suffering had I known earlier on what it was about me that led people to rejecting me. I would have felt so much more in control knowing I could work on certain behaviors.

[@largojunkie]

I have autism and I find these videos very useful personally. I think your advice it useful in terms of what I can be aware of. I can't always be aware for some reason how i'm speaking and special awareness. My solution is to use your advice and really limit my social contact as I can risk another break down. Your advice is very useful because they me increase my self awareness which much better than angry feedback. Seriously people have been friends for years and don't say anything until they are really frustrated... It really not realistic to expect the world to accommodate to me so I'm just choosing to limit the amount of time I spend with others.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I hope there’s an option for you other than limiting social interaction. I’m concerned that social isolation would have a negative effect on you.

[@largojunkie]

@@HowCommunicationWorks Hi i'm not socially isolated completely as I live with my husband, mother and dog louie. semi Isolation vs alienation which ones detrimental?

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

@@largojunkie Both probably. But you’re the only one in a position to know what’s worse for you.

[@axerity9212]

as with what you said about "not caring about what other people think of you", i'd consider myself more to be in that boat than others, for me its like this but not in a way that it would be considerate, more when people are just randomly rude to me or inconsiderate of me with no basis i don't really take it personally. i definitely care what people think of me but it only really matters to me when said person is someone i respect and value as a person

[@axerity9212]

also, these videos are great to listen to in the background while im playing some games. thanks for the videos!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

That is a healthy way to think about other people’s opinions of you I think.

[@trudiriddle8000]

Thank you, any help is appreciated in this hypersensitive world.

[@veronicav575]

Thank you for your videos, from a neurodivergent. I find those reactions from other neurodivergents to be very annoying, especially wanting normies to conform to us or whatever. How does that make any sense. That would be like a blind person wanting all seeing people to gauge out their eyes, or expecting seeing people to allow blind people to drive a school bus full of kids. It’s absurd. I struggle with some of these things, particularly empathy and knowing peoples feelings, and knowing when to insert myself in a conversation (when it’s my turn to talk). But I realize I’m the one with the problem. Imagine everyone interrupting everyone all the time. How frustrating and exhausting. I realize I’m the one who needs to figure this out and practice and learn and be humble enough to admit I have some weaknesses. Normies have their own problems that I and other ND don’t have. Takes all kinds, as they say. I can love and accept myself while knowing I have room to improve.

[@nikkijones9713]

all the celebs they compared you to are very handsome in my opinion. I found your original video very enlightening and am thankful you introduced me to Erving Goffman. Been a real game changer, thank you.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks Nikki.

[@yosif8235]

I love how well this was put. People are super negative and big babies like the world owes them something. It doesn't and it's why they are stuck in the same situation and you're right. Your just a scientist and you articulated yourself perfectly.

[@yantithehappymonk2024]

Your contents are educational and helpful. The information is an honest and accurate perspective on how to improve their social skills, hence be less awkward and improve their relationship. People can choose to use that information and better themselves, or become triggered and get defensive. I’m autistic, and I’ve been engaged in KZbin self development to help my social skills for 2 years. I’m far slower than average in understanding social cues and skills, but I’m definitely better now than when I first started.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you.

[@glenda0707]

I'm recently diagnosed with adhd. I'm understanding how I can improve. my greatest error is interrupting to change the topic. uggg. im going to learn this skill😊

[@dishatto]

@@HowCommunicationWorks is it possible for you do a video just on understanding social cues?

[@lisaamirant5595]

Your very detailed explanations are EXTREMELY helpful! Please keep your videos coming. 🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you! Will do!

[@AktivePsychotherapie]

Thank you so much! Love your scientific approach - not judging if things should be this way, but stating the observation of specifically named actions and consequences. That's extremely helpful!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You're very welcome!

[@chrissyMjohnson]

Hi. I have autism and I appreciate these helpful suggestions/tips that I feel will help me along certain social situations. I am still "me" but an approved and more aware "me". I thirst for solid information on how to help myself communicate less awkwardly. So thank you!

[@julieann3675]

I was thinking you look like Fonzie, Henry Winkler 👍and thanks for your normal explanation. You're the only one I've listened to so far that gets to the core of the awkward and embarrassment humans feel. What you were saying about being your authentic self with all different people in your life is spot on.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I love Henry Winkler.

[@21Cedar]

Your channel will become my nightly binge. Becoming a real estate agent and need the most help I can get on my communication skills, mostly due to me not being a naturally extroverted person. That being said, I still love people and believe relationships are the most important thing to a fulfilling life (in my situation). I’m very driven to become an expert communicator and I very much look up to people like you who have the skills. Thank you!

[@rogerreynolds5822]

Thanks Doc. I for one am thankful you exist.

[@LarryNgetich]

That video was great. I'm just getting back into a space where I need to interact with people socially, and I realised I'm out of touch with current norms, or maybe I picked up some bad loner habits during COVID. Thanks again for the great work.

[@flutterlybutterly6188]

I find your videos really interesting - as far as I'm aware I don't have any issues with communicating, I just enjoy learning more (I have a primarily sociological degree). And I like your eyebrows 🙂

[@andydy464]

This is your first video I’ve ever watched and found it informative and in a fun way. I find it funny but kind of annoying when people tell me I look like so-so/this person/that person too. It irritated me there was no single consensus until I changed my view on it. Now I have fun claiming that all those people look like me and not the other way around. So congratulations for having such a nice group of A-lister actors who all look similar to you.

[@olchik_kolokolchik-1]

You’re awesome! Keep it up. I’m learning so much!

[@LindsPatz10]

Such an interesting and apparently polarizing topic. We all struggle with varying degrees of awkwardness sometimes and it’s fascinating to explore the psychological reasons why and how we can cope with that. The human experience is weird sometimes so we’ve got to have grace with others and ourselves. It mystifies me that some are saying to ignore your advice. As you touched on, people who don’t desire or foster relationships with other humans have other issues entirely. Wanting to improve upon one’s capability to connect should be encouraged. Otherwise, I’d steer clear of ppl who want to continue to be offensive or make me uncomfortable. The establishment of these norms is a result of evolutionary biology. Many behaviors are ingrained into species and, as you said, productive norms at their core are solutions for survival and fitness.

[@cyndythomas7217]

Hi. This is the second of your videos I’ve caught on KZbin. The first being the Awkward/Weird video. What an eye opener. First, I am neurodivergent- I have ADHD. Since I was a small child in the 50’s I have been on the outside of most familial relationships by parents who didn’t know and understand my emotional issues. I’m almost 70 yo now and never learned social skills of neurotypical behavior. I shy away from social events in fear of being awkward. To compound the issue I was a beautiful child and a fairly good looking adult. This seem to cause an even stronger weirdness in perception and lack of effort by others to help me adjust to the norms of social behavior. I was capable of garnering attention but unable to communicate in a way that kept attention or at least put me in healthy relationships with others. I am single, have few friends and would like to find a way to widen my circle. Thank you for your efforts. I’m going to binge watch your channel. Fingers crossed

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Cindy, I’m sorry to hear of your long life of struggles, and I wish you the best in the future.

[@cyrusjohnson6050]

Lol yeah the consequences, I get that, like honestly you can do whatEVER you want but don’t expect people to react kindly. Learned that the hard way when I got ostracized for saying stuff publicly I shouldn’t have said

[@joeclay9745]

Keep up the videos. I struggle with social interactions. I find the videos interesting and helpful. I find pushing myself a bit has made life more interesting. I feel less isolated even if I come across as odd sometimes. I'm ok with that. There's definitely social norms and cues and there worth taking in for better interactions. Thanks

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you! Will do!

[@scottmcneely1927]

"Social occasions are merely warfare concealed".

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

That’s an interesting quote. Did you make it up?

[@scottmcneely1927]

@@HowCommunicationWorks No, I didn't. I actually heard it in an episode of Star Trek and would have to look up the original quote.

[@asianangel5400]

I came across your channel by accident. I watched the 10 awkward behavior video. I struggle with all 10 behaviors. I may have adhd and syntums of high functioning autism. Never been professionally diagnosed except for the adhd at a young age. However I'm willing to learn how to socially be accepted so that I may not make others feel awkward when conversing with me. I'll be watching more videos.

[@dorilevine9234]

Within the past two years I’ve worked on my own awkwardness that makes other people uncomfortable. First was my constant giggling. I never thought of it as a negative until someone told me it was inappropriate in certain settings and comes off negative, even condescending. I had to be very present and start to really hear myself doing it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to change about myself, especially over 50. The other embarrassing thing was saying inappropriate things in conversation or “bull-doze” or over talking. Again being present, active listening and asking much more questions or comments around what someone just said would acknowledge and bring the other people into the conversation. Learning how to pause, count to five before talking really helps to clarify what I want to say and in the nicest way. Never knew how many family and friends had issues they never brought up. So happy I did the work and continue to do it. Good luck everyone.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I think you hit on a key issue: presence.

[@livinglifeleona]

Oh my goodness this reminds me of a time someone in my college class announced they got married to someone they've been with since 4th grade. I giggled because I thought that was adorable, and I was humored by the fact one could be so lucky as to meet the love of their life so young. She kind of side-eyed me and I immediately wondered if my giggling came across as condescending in some way. I felt horrible, and it ruined my good mood at hearing such pleasant news. Literally no one else in the entire room giggled or had the same reaction as me, so it stood out and everyone probably thought I was being rude. 😥

[@captaindeo9594]

Bro thanks heaps again as I commented on the main vid, legit already improved my life

[@mirsumm8431]

I love this video. Ppl in comments are aggravating & usually hear what they want to hear.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Yep.

[@i..am..]

I have suffered social awkwardness. I suspect Asperger's at the most, or severe parental neglect during my childhood. I get why people want to dismiss that awkwardness with shutting it down and supposedly not caring. You're completely right that our brains are wired to care (mirror neurons). I think the level of care depends on each socially awkward person's network of support. I for example have a low network of support so I try to figure this out. I don't want to be alone or outcast, it doesn't take much for that to happen for me. Other people who have that network of support can get by without caring because they have that cushion to fall back on. Guarantee if that cushion fell away they would realize the pain of their situation as I have known my whole life. Guarantee their life progress has suffered already from their lack of skills. I have seen my professional life grow so much more since I started to try to take accountability for my social ignorance. Thank you for making these videos. I just found them and am excited to see what they have to offer.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I think others will find it inspiring.

[@lisastoker]

I think I'm awkward because it seems my feelings get trampled on when when I share my thoughts, concern, and care. It makes me not want to open up and be vunerable. I definitely overcompensated by babbling or bottling up in the past.

[@MeiRei_]

I’m so grateful that you made these videos I really needed them and the advice in them after watching these videos I started to see these habits in myself in others. I’m so grateful that I am aware of them now

[@stevevans100]

Such valuable and useful content - I'm so glad KZbin's algo introduced us. Wishing your channel massive success, should be required watching. Many thanks.

[@entmeister]

Anyone else randomly get recommended that video yesterday 🤣 Edit: forgot to also add I'm now halfway through the How to Communicate playlist haha

[@theunclejezusshow8260]

Ahem cuzinz 🤣

[@raeorion]

Yup! It was awesome timing too!

[@modern.performer]

Respectfully, and without being defensive whatsoever, I truly dgaf what ppl think. Also, given the state and overall shape of today's society, believe me when I say that I have no desire to "belong"...nor should you in these pivoting times! Please note that I am not antisocial or socially awkward in any fashion. I am successfully self-employed with a consulting business. Great points on the "should accomodate to minorities" part btw

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I’m troubled by the state of the world too. But there still seem to me to be a very large number of people who are kind, interesting, and worth getting to know. I sometimes despair, but I have not lost faith in people or in friendship or love yet.

[@modern.performer]

@@HowCommunicationWorks oh totally! And don't get me wrong I'm all for networking and connecting with *like-minded* people (that's the key word here)! People that share your visions, passions and thrive so you can push each other up. It's the masses I have no desire to appeal to, and therefore have learned ignoring them. All in all I don't think we disagree, I think it's just that some advices can't be applied in bulk sometines 😉 Loved both the videos. Subscribed.

[@ILikeFreedomYo]

I really enjoy your style of teaching. The best teachers are ones that step out of their preference and discuss the matters for what they are. You do that very well. While I do detect hints of preference here and there I don't feel you pressuring any one direction to take. It much like a good parent. Here's what's likely to happen if you do.... Are you willing and prepared to face that consequence? Ok as long as you know you can make your decision.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you. I take that as high praise. I try to stay objective, but if course I’m not genuinely objective. I do have preferences and some fairly fixed views.

[@brendagraham8611]

I used to be a gaucherie (French for social awkwardness) & very shy. Since I've been watching your tube channel, I have acquired skills to be more confident and strike up a conversation with anyone now! Thankyou very much for your channel!

[@halesbellss]

I found you from the video this one is based on. You are my new favorite channel. This video is also so validating and like everything that I try to explain to people! Also, I’m adhd and very awkward but like the point is SKILL BUILDING build the skills to communicate and be less awkward!!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks Haley. But your be surprised how many people are upset with me for trying to teach communication skills. So many people in the comments saying that learning new skills means they can’t “be themselves” or be “authentic.” It’s really puzzling to me.

[@halesbellss]

@@HowCommunicationWorks one of my best friend is like that. It’s so frustrating but she is so miserable but won’t admit it.

[@taylamorris]

Haha. I'm so far loving your videos! I needed the one on social awkwardness. You said so much of what I often think in this video. It's nice to be able to relate to you. Thanks! Can't wait to see more content from you. ♥

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you, Tayla. I’m here for you.

[@wobaguk]

In addition to the incincerity of people saying "I dont care what people think", I have to ponder the likelyhood someone who feels that way (for better or worse), being minutes deep into a video called "How to stop feeling awkward".

[@Amy19959]

I have autism and I think there is a grey area people might be missing here. I agree with some others that it is harmful to be so focused on doing everything right all the time and "masking" to seem normal, but I also think it can be helpful to understand what the norm is so you can pull out your mask when you need it to progress is relationships, careers, life etc or to avoid misunderstandings. You're right that we do live in a world that rigidly adheres to these rules and unfortunately not being able to adhere to them at least some of the time can be very detrimental. The knowledge of these rules can be used, on a situational basis, to advance in life or ensure your safety. Maybe your family is struggling financially, so you can use these skills to advance at work. Or if you're a student at school you could use them to avoid getting targeted by a bully. The other area of application I can see is being able to understand what is happening if someone has a poor reaction to you. Say for example that a person close to you gets upset that you're not listening because you were doing so silently- instead of being confused as to why they're suddenly upset with you, you now have an explanation, and can either explain to them that you listen differently than others, or find ways of being an active listener that work for you. I also think there is a grey area for acceptance of neurodivergent behaviors. We're not even close to being there on a societal level, but I think it's absolutely reasonable to expect understanding from your friends and family. Those people should be a safe space to unmask and be yourself without the stress of rules (as long as you're being kind of course). So I think telling people that you trust that you are neurodivergent is a good idea and if they deserve to be in your life they will listen and learn what that means and accept you as you are. But these are good skills to have out in the world to make those trusted relationships in the first place and avoid the negative outcomes that unfortunately do happen when people don't know how to use these skills

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you for this thoughtful and nuanced comment.

[@Amy19959]

@@HowCommunicationWorks thank you for taking the time to read it!! And thank you for your videos- I think they're very helpful to the people who need them!

[@maxrapp]

I love your videos -- the question is how many people are NOT, in some way, neurodivergent? For example, how many people have generalized anxiety, how many adults have undiagnosed ADHD, etc., etc., or imperfect parents (often significantly so)?