The Truth Behind Why Trying Harder Doesn’t Work (When You Have ADHD)

[@HowtoADHD]

Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! If you’ve been trying harder and feeling stuck, Sunsama is one tool that can help. It's a fantastic digital daily planner designed to help combat burnout. They’re offering a free trial with no credit card needed if you use my link: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd

[@djdavisiscool]

Any free apps😅 the budget is too tight

[@gejost]

My key word is adaptation but adaptation requires understanding your ADHD. Trying harder typically means following rules not designed for us

[@gordonandmaggie6324]

Am I the only one who finds a to do list too bossy? Even my own list of things I really want to get done, as soon as it is written down, I feel deep resistance. Maybe because it steals my motivation (doing it because I thought of it and want to do it vs doing it because this list tells me to) Tools for how to put lists together haven't worked for me in the past, but I'm always ready to give a new tool a try!

[@abijahdixon2771]

I don't use it myself, but Trello is really similar.

[@releko10]

⁠​⁠@@gordonandmaggie6324100% same for me. Sometimes I feel dread before writing something I *really* want to do on a to-do list because I feel like it lowers the probability I will actually do it. But if I don’t write it down I will forget it 😅

[@etunimenisukunimeni1302]

When lack of effort is not the problem, trying harder is not the solution. I like that.

[@ClaraBennett]

Honestly, even when it _is_ a lack of effort, trying harder is almost certainly still not the solution. Because a lack of effort is pretty much never the core issue-there’s almost always something behind it. Maybe they don’t have safe access to needed help/resources, or they’ve learned from experience that their efforts won’t be noticed or rewarded, or maybe the ask is in contradiction with other needs or demands. People generally want to be effective and productive, so if they’re truly not even trying, it’s very likely that there’s something in the way.

[@nate2838]

I've been saying this for years. Yet most people can't wrap their heads around it.

[@dizzycat1983]

I totally love this, finally I have something I can say back to neurotypical people

[@cal4906]

My dad once commiserated that he and I are both like shooting stars that "burn twice as bright for half as long." The effort of constantly trying too hard is definitely unsustainable.

[@dusk-I-like]

I love that metaphor!

[@cal4906]

​@@dusk-I-like Thanks, I did too. It was sad to think about, but it also put it into words so perfectly.

[@veronicaaudette7817]

And it’s so tiring, I feel like I have to sleep for 12 hours after

[@TheVOLTAGEVIDEOS]

Yup! I exhausted myself at work by 2pm yesterday. Today was better as I took the meds.

[@melissaw42]

That is a terrific analogy.

[@OmniTarget13]

With ADHD, no matter how much effort you put in, it’s like fighting an invisible enemy that’s always two steps ahead who knows your every move and the finish line keeps moving further away every time you think you’re close.

[@synthstatic9889]

And everyone is mad at you.

[@nathanwebb4752]

💯!

[@karstpyrod9992]

Well said, it’s ruined big parts of my life and I’m close to believing there’s no hope in anything helping the adhd

[@WillN2Go1]

I've always thought a teacher or admin telling student (or a teacher) to "Try harder' was the same as saying FU. It's utterly meaningless and unhelpful. And when you do put in more effort (hyper focus) and get amazing results these same fixed mindset people resent it or pretend not to notice. (Or the mean teachers' clique actively try to undermine you.) I'm in my sixties and as I sit in my house surrounded by photographs I've made, the art of my friends. thousands of books I've read, furniture I've deigned and built, writing... what I am is perpetually frustrated by procrastination, distraction and delays... (from writing a book I've been working on for a couple of years.) And yet.... It really helps to be surrounded by accomplishments. I didn't understand this until I was 50. I would regularly feel as though I had never accomplished anything. It's like the Micheal Jackson Moonwalk. It appears that I'm heading in the wrong direction, but I'm actually making great progress.

[@tobiandreisfoxkitten698]

That is put so perfectly. Especially when the exhaustion sets in and won't leave!

[@ingeborgomahony5744]

Working with ADHD is like running a tough mudder when your colleagues are running a flat 5k race. Telling us to "try harder" makes me want to scream.

[@ACAB.forcutie]

I always describe it as trying to run up a hill in a lead suit. If I got that suit removed.. I'd run up that hill so fast, with how much I've been training 😂

[@jaylynn7493]

It’s almost as bad as people saying “just”. Just do this, just focus more, just get more sleep, just try harder!!!

[@christineh4192]

I fricken hate that!​@@jaylynn7493

[@cajunguy6502]

I compare it to telling someone with Cerebral Palsy that they're being lazy for not playing sports. Their body just isn't capable of the type of activity you're suggesting, and our brains are the same way.

[@lydiajarmamawdiayfaith8161]

Yep, there have been many times I want to scream at someone. 😢

[@kathisaurus]

Trying harder brought me major depression. Don't do it, and also don't listen to NTs if they try to push you to try harder. Be kind and try to recognise, if you internalised it.

[@Puccinidb]

As an INTJ, I find a lot of the ESJ's are the ones yelling to try harder, not other NT's. They see it more like a sport anyway and believe that productivity is simply a gauge of how much physical effort you put into something. (Even though the ones in upper admin aren't actually contributing any sweat equity themselves, they feel "qualified" to call out everyone else.)

[@ladel1805]

@@Puccinidb They likely meant Neurotypicals.

[@kathisaurus]

@@ladel1805 Yes, I ment Neurotypical :) and to clarify. I was the one pushing myself the most. But thats why you have to carefully listen to your inner world. Because in my case, I adapted basically lots of ableism from around me to a point where I still cant differentiate between lazy, executive dysfunction and an absolut need for a break. So. Take care of yourselfs, Brains. Only you can do that.

[@bellydancekira1913]

I also throught of the Myers-Brigggs-Personality Types ^^

[@kathisaurus]

@@bellydancekira1913 Oops 😅 I didn't had that in Mind ^^

[@aaronkaw4857]

I like my friend's analogy that ADHD meds for your brain are like glasses for your eyes. "See harder!" "I'm trying!"

[@lykanbluepaws]

That's brilliant im using that from now on :D

[@ClaraBennett]

This is a really great analogy, because you actually can see a little better effortfully (by squinting and/or straining your focusing muscles), but it’s a lot of effort for very little improvement. It’ll tire you out and give you a headache, and then your vision is gonna be even worse than baseline.

[@Drecon84]

I use both glasses and meds and I have been using this analogy for a few years. It's a really good one.

[@CH1K3N99]

And without meds?

[@aaronkaw4857]

@@CH1K3N99 Someone with poor eyesight without glasses/vision assistance struggles to see coherently. Someone with autistic/ADHD symptoms struggles to think coherently. Is that what you're asking?

[@suem.1392]

I struggle with inconsistency. And then the problem of, if I was able to "try harder" and do it that one time, I should be able to do it again. Which leads to burnout. It's a cycle.

[@1midnightfish]

Yes. That. Thank you for putting it into words.

[@JPLynas]

Yeah, recognising that the reason you were able to do it that one time wasn't because you were "trying harder" is really important - knowing it's cos you were more rested or more relaxed that day or managed to get into a flow state that's hard to replicate at will, or whatever combination of circumstances is really important.

[@suem.1392]

@@JPLynas "Whatever combination of circumstances" that's important to put into words and call out, thank you!

[@MysteryBlogger-hb9qw]

Omg that's exactly what happened with me some years back and I haven't been able to still completely heal from that period of burnout and I didn't even know that I was not alone, I was constantly trying to find out without getting what I did wrong that led to the burnout

[@MysteryBlogger-hb9qw]

Do you have any tips for someone struggling with inconsistency as well?

[@rachaelackerman1119]

"She has so much potential, if she would only apply herself." Literally every grade school report card

[@GothBratJinx]

Same!! Also had the “talks to much” on there too 😭

[@ARNervebag]

me too

[@legendarybubbles4567]

That was the worst! “They just aren’t applying themselves.” Haunts my to this day.

[@rebeccamay6420]

My report card too. 🧠❤️‍🩹 I grew up in the early 1980s when quiet studious girls who couldn't complete classwork within the class time were merely asked "why" we couldn't finish. Uhhhh.... If I actually knew.... at age 8 ... what made my brain different... It wasn't until age 48 that KZbin helped me figure out that I'm both Autistic and ADHD.

[@mofolk8896]

omg me ‘60s and ‘70s.

[@craigparse1439]

I was recently told "Try harder or you will be FIRED!" Part of our 'workplace values' are Professionalism, Respect, and Empathy. Yeah...! No biggie.. I've only worked there for 32 years.

[@loriallen67]

Lawyer up now. They are looking to ditch you.

[@moonhunter9993]

So sorry. I hope you have a labor union. Call them.

[@alexanderlopez5464]

Also ADHD is one of the listed disabilities requiring work place accommodations according to the ADA dot gov website. They might think twice trying to fire someone due to their disability... I believe this channel has a video on that website as well.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

@@alexanderlopez5464You have to request accommodations in general. Also you have to be honest if the role is a fit.

[@AlannaStarcrossed]

@@lijohnyoutube101 They've been there for 32 years, seems unlikely role fit is suddenly a problem now. More likely boss's greed just inflated with the times

[@Virtuous_Rogue]

I had a coworker who if you got stuck and he couldn't help, would jokingly say "uh, have you tried trying harder?". He was well aware that it's the most useless and unhelpful suggestion you can give someone, and it came across that way in the tone. I thought it was hilarious and it really fits the message in this video. I also have a friend who asks, "have you tried giving up?" in the same situations. Equally unhelpful but it does help gauge my own motivation to deal with something.

[@moonhunter9993]

I like the have you tried giving up! Sometimes I have to do that for a while... then I can cope and finish a task. I just have to stay away from the shame.

[@indigoziona]

Haha love it. Sometimes it's good to ask ourselves if we really want to quit, even if the answer is "no" because at least it reminds us of our motivation!

[@TheBanana93]

Quite often when people tell me to give up it motivates me to not give up haha

[@bubblebuffy]

@@TheBanana93”I’ll show you!” mode engaged 😅👍🏼

[@RaiAkashi]

Ohh the power of compulsive spite is real. XD Tell me i *can’t* do something. I dare you.

[@sploofmcsterra4786]

I only realised how motivated I had been after I got medicated. I was LESS motivated after I got medicated, but got far more work done. Motivation was never the problem.

[@aspynk1198]

Then what was?

[@yourfavoritecouzin]

​@@aspynk1198 execution?

[@corylcreates]

I can't try harder because I'm already trying my hardest. It's an impossible ask. It's someone else saying, "Your effort isn't enough," when it truly feels like too much effort on my part.

[@Moraenil]

Exactly. And then after years of it, I finally accepted that I wasn't enough.

[@LoveEachDay94]

Relatable

[@artiaryal2459]

@@Moraenilboom. THIS.

[@karlafuentes4001]

At least you try...I live with 2 people that don't even try. I've read a lot about ADHD so I can understand, i even tried systems around the house with chores, a lot of tolerance, helping reminding things so it can become habits...but I only receive hate from them, they get angry everytime. So I stoped trying to help, to the point that I don't even care, because it was really exhausting.

[@karlafuentes4001]

One even has ODD, and its 3x harder to deal with.

[@thevalkyries8680]

Literally sent this to my bosses. They're super supportive, but confused by the strict scheduling I use to stay on task .

[@HowtoADHD]

yes!!! I was hoping that would happen with this one. That it would be something we can share with the people who don't get it yet

[@lifetoanother]

What does this look like for you?

[@Richie131hun]

You're so damn lucky to have supportive bosses.

[@richardofredemption]

Why would you ever over share this much at work?

[@JiAiJ0]

​@@richardofredemptionovershare what? It's literally sharing info on finding ways to work around and even thrive with a medical diagnosis. A good boss would want someone who shows this kind of initiative.

[@LostieTrekieTechie]

"I was able to do it before so I should be able to do it again" one miracle justifies so many bad habits

[@RobertFerguson-mz7pw]

I needed to hear this today as a person with ADHD who comes from a community whose idea of trying harder or doing better was "you can take a break when you're dead."

[@moonhunter9993]

you sound "German"... just kidding but I know this goxic attitude

[@RaiAkashi]

“Try harder!” is a sure-fire way to make that break happen sooner….😅

[@nottomclancy2439]

If I am not miserable 100% of the time and thinking about killing myself, I am not trying my hardest. I didn't know that almost nobody is like this and I have to be like this, just to be able to succeed, where others seemingly just walk through at a leisurely pace. It's exhausting and I am considering just doing an absolute minimum wage job and waiting for my end. Good times, as always :)

[@EMNaturefarmAZ]

Same. Today my response to that is, “then kmn, I need a break that much.” 😂

[@adenansu]

"Try harder" does one thing for me. Hit's the ntro button on burning out.

[@nw8000]

"Try harder" does one thing for me, Switches my mind off

[@1midnightfish]

@@nw8000 Same!

[@S3IIL3CT]

same and I am currently trying to recover from it

[@edwardmitchell6581]

In sports that meant at 14 getting shingles and at 18 busting my knees for life. For academics and work the burnout is not as obvious.

[@edwardmitchell6581]

@@nw8000 I love that mind off when when I'm swimming or climbing. I wonder how Michael Phelps describes it.

[@AntisocialAuntie]

"Try Different Before Try Harder" is getting written on every wipe board! Thank you for that. 🧡 Edit: I have colored dots that are different colors that are dry erase. That's why I call it a wipe board and not a white board. Add more color to your space 😂

[@aka.roryyy]

putting this on a list and an alarm and then hopefully doing it eventually 👍🏻

[@loriallen67]

Seriously considering tattoo…..

[@AntisocialAuntie]

@@loriallen67 oohhhh I like the tattoo idea. It would be a nice addition

[@alicequayle4625]

Bit like work smarter not harder.

[@Oddi0]

White board

[@plantyfan]

"Try harder" ended up working for me until it didn't. It means that I'm hypersensitive to criticism, I've built myself a reputation of doing hard things, and I fully expect everyone to be working as hard as I work. The thing about that is: other people, like neurotypical people, *do not work this hard* and they mostly don't even notice. It means I'm prone to overworking and burnout but hey my work ethic can't be questioned 🤦‍♀️🙄 except by me! 😭

[@DaveE99]

Ever try to pass a project off to someone answer absolutely scare the new guy with the level of overwhelm you hyperactivity spurt out at him lol

[@moonhunter9993]

good point.

[@carlijnkruidhof]

A boss once told me 'you can't hold others to your high expectations ' and that's the first time I actually realize I expect so much from myself and others, way more than others expected of themselves (and me). It's not too dramatic to say it changed my life.

[@TheBanana93]

Some of the people I have worked with over the years have really baffled me with how little they actually try to do a good job!

[@markmuller7962]

40 Years undiagnosed watching motivational and life-hack videos to just destroy my self esteem

[@TheSoundIsLifeItself]

I can relate to this so much! I'm 41 and was just diagnosed earlier this year. Don't give up! Let's keep at it together!

[@MindyB2004]

I’m sorry you’re going through that right now.💛 Out of curiosity, have you tried doing the things that Jessica talks about? What is it that is making you feel so bad about yourself? Is it a sense of shame? Is it your family members telling you things that make you feel worse about yourself? Is it the feeling that you aren’t worth the effort? I struggle with this too, and I don’t yet have an answer for you. But I hope you know that you aren’t alone.♥️

[@TheAnxiousAdventurer]

Watch more Jessica. She's one of us.

[@Stygard]

I was hospitalized twice misdiagnosed with bipolar and my life was a complete mess. I got diagnosed a couple years ago with ADHD started medication and learned some tools and strategies and finally at 38 I have been at the same job for over a year now! Longest was 8 months before and usually wanting to quit from stress and anxiety and depression after a month!

[@lijohnyoutube101]

If you find coming to truth and learning is negatively impacting your self esteem then seek out therapy. That is very likely an additional challenge to dig into.

[@CarlottaRomero124]

It's so funny you posted this, as just yesterday I was explaining to my fiancé that I'm realizing when I'm being too intense and pushing too hard to achieve a goal/complete a task, it always backfires and goes badly, if I manage to do it at all. I'm learning that's a signal for me to "try easier." Usually that equates to relaxing about a task's importance or urgency, remembering what I enjoy about a task, and soaking up the fun aspects of it. Once my brain realizes, "oh this could actually be fun and appealing!" or "oh I'm not paralyzed at the thought of failing at this!", it's easier to find the energy and motivation to attempt it again, and it almost always achieves better results.

[@phoebekibe9842]

I completely relate! I just said this to my friend a short while ago!

[@lornacy]

❤ "try easier" ❤

[@artfartalien]

love this. just wrote "try easier" on a sticky note for myself on my desk. thank you for this!

[@RossReedstrom]

This feels a bit like "slow is smooth, and smooth is fast" - this shows up in sports training - trying harder doesn't help if your form is wrong, so go slow to correct the form (try something else) and lo and behold, it's faster!

[@jennifero1836]

I've screenshot your comment because it's excellent and I want to remember that. This also helps with the anxiety I get when I think that everything is so urgent. Thank you so much! ❤

[@elin_]

"Just try harder" feels so toxic and only reminds me of those hustler influencers. Doesn't work for me.. Nothing really works for me anymore. I'm depressed and stuck in one giant freeze mode. I feel constant imprisonment and it's driving me nuts..

[@Basil-HD]

Slow progress is still a progess

[@elin_]

@@Basil-HD I know, but then some obsticle come and push me even further back than where I started.

[@joshuagies4900]

I hear that.

[@elin_]

@@joshuagies4900 this absolute brain freeze is getting on my nerves.. No matter how many good tips I get from psychologists and other educational people online regarding to my health and mind, I can't utilize any of it.. My brain doesn't let me. I'm so frustrated.

[@meredithjlee]

@@elin_ Have you tried working with a therapist who is experienced helping people with ADHD? My therapist is really helpful. It took some trial and error to find the right therapist, and it's also taken a couple of years for me to unlearn the destructive thoughts and habits I had/have, but it's been super helpful. I also understand being too tired, frustrated, burnt out and overwhelmed to even start the process of finding the right therapist. So, if you're not ready, I get that. I hope you will find what works for you eventually, though. Everyone deserves to live a healthy life.

[@catdad626]

4:43 "take a level of exhaustion" my dnd brain loved this way of phrasing it

[@EncyclopediaBeige]

Same, I never thought about it that way and it really brought my mental fatigue issues together for me.

[@snoeleppard]

Me too! I also love to compare my energy and capability for the day to what spell slots I have available. 😂

[@amandamiura4590]

Same. That increasing penalty as you take more levels of exhaustion is a great way to explain why doing things gets progressively harder until we keel over, crash, and then require many long rests to get back to functional

[@willowtabby4926]

Glad I'm not the only one who saw that 😂

[@kimberlymarciniak1751]

Same here! I heard that and said, "Ah, a DND player or at least around someone who plays."

[@paperlady]

I need a short video on how to explain to my boss that telling me 'try harder' and moving the goalpost without acknowledgement of my huge effort to be consistent is very dismotivating :( some bosses don't understand the value of positive feedback at all and think that just by berating you every time you are going to try harder...

[@steggopotamus]

Your boss sounds toxic enough that you should look for work give the minimum, tell him everything in email, so you have the paper trail.

[@gds-guydoingstuff]

I agree with @steggopotamus. Look for another job. Start the paper trail. A berating boss is usually a bully who doesn't consider others, does not take responsibility, is horribly shallow and unobservant. No one needs to work for this kind of boss.

[@paperlady]

@@steggopotamus paper trail for what?

[@blazertundra]

​​@@paperlady if he gets you fired, you have already "beat him to the punch" when you bring it up with his higher ups. On rare occasions, it can get the bully boss fired or you reassigned with a better manager. "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him." Being the first one to plead your case, especially in a power differential, is a big deal.

[@ZaritaTheFloridian]

​@@blazertundraAnd to add to the pros of a paper trail, paper trail and a journal of what was said and done always helps to refer back to in cases of unemployment compensation in the US if the company contests it. Remember, bcc to a backup personal email, or print, or take pic, because you won't have access to work email once you don't work for them.

[@danielbarry63415]

As a (medicated) trainee teacher, thank you Jessica for helping people like me realise that getting diagnosed with ADHD is not something to be ashamed of. This channel is incredibly supporting to have a human voice explaining all the things we never quite understood; additionally, we can help the students in our class without getting mad when they forget a pen, or a piece of HW.

[@skilsors]

Your ND kids will love having you for a role model. If one of my kids' teachers had said, "Hey, it's ok. I get it. I have adhd too." it would have helped them feel less alone. So thank you for caring for you so you can care for our kiddos. ❤

[@janicesg6218]

My son's school has several teachers diagnosed with ADHD. They are always willing to go the extra mile and do one on one tutoring. So different from the last school that only wanted him to figure it out.

[@Ahrpigi]

1:08 this, exactly. "Try harder" or any equally useless platitude is an instant off-switch, nothing makes me quit faster or more completely.

[@XDeserak]

I can't even count how often I've gone "here is a mountain of evidence that I will perform better if I stop trying harder and actually relax" only to be told "but you just need to try harder" Makes me legitimately want to scream.

[@CPWaite83]

"If you just tried harder..." was basically my entire childhood and adolescence because I got terrible grade because, surprise, I was unable to reliably get my homework done. I slid by because I was able to hyperfocus and cram for tests and ace them. And I really did learn plenty throughout school but even if I knew the material fairly well, sitting down and getting my brain to focus on doing the homework was nearly impossible. Still is, I just have more support (and a diagnosis and medication) as an adult. Its hard to let go of the fact that all the adults in my life growing up more or less failed me. They failed to recognize my obvious symptoms and get me the help I didn't know I needed. Dwelling on this isn't helpful (and is honestly just frustrating and sort of depressing) but man is it hard to let that go and focus on moving forward.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Part of that also is being honest about where society was in its understanding of ADHD. My mom for example kept telling the pediatrician office I had adhd but they were like, ‘ no that’s really like a crazy hyperactive boy thing. I have the combo adhd so can be hyper but organized is harder and I am a girl and girls have been proven to mask significantly more so.

[@haroldharold9042]

I can relate to this a lot, right down to adults failing you. Even as adults ourselves, it’s so hard to heal from that injustice (and justice is another big thing that ADHD folks focus on)

[@lijohnyoutube101]

@@CPWaite83 To add a side note just because that love you try to get you help doesn’t always work either. The adults in my husband’s life failed him totally. I helped getting him the help he desperately needed and didn’t know and openly fought and even though he now admits he did need significant help it also made me an enemy and he pretty much treats me with open contempt and we are separated.

[@TheBanana93]

I am 31 and my mum tried to get me diagnosed for Autism when i was like 12 and I refused because I didn't want a label and my dad freaked out over it making out that it was a bad thing. I am not in the process of getting ADHD and Autism diagnosis and my mum is always saying she feels dreadful and that she failed me for not getting me more help growing up :(

[@TheBanana93]

@@lijohnyoutube101 I almost feel this with my gf. I know she is helping I know she means well but it just gets me... but I love her and I want to improve and save our relationship

[@kyliej2241]

I have a little list (no more than 5x 5min tasks,) of really short fun light things related to project/ topic etc that are valuable to overall goals but have no urgency. When i am spinning my wheels i jump to these, I usually get a flow happening and then can start to chip away at whatever overwhelmed me. These things can be sending thank you note to someone on the team for their effort or contribution. Ordering office snacks. Getting up and taking a 5 minute lap around the office, waving hi but not saying anything to anyone i meet.

[@patormsby9441]

That's an interesting idea. I'll give it a try. Thank you!

[@3dchick]

Those are really smart! I'm going to screen shot them to try ❤

[@CanaCanoe]

I'm trying really hard to understand that I don't have to give 100% with everything... It's such a learning curve because something in me has always felt that if I don't give my full 100% then it's not going to cut it..... Pretty much with every job, hobby and side quest I ever did. And I always wondered why I was burnt out 😅😅

[@luce6684]

I also tend to do that It might have to do with the attentional dysregulation, where ADHDers either hyperfocus or get bored It's hard to force myself to rest when I'm in the flow, but it helps for the bad brain days

[@zeromotivation1817]

4am, on extended procrastination marathon.... So, i feel the need for this video, thanks

[@karthikmukund9526]

Username checks out :)

[@lydianici1696]

its really frustrating to hear this in school. my teacher keeps telling me i should try harder, not be distracted. she makes me not sit with my friend "so im not distracted" but the thing distracting me is my brain going with all thoughts. or when im understimulated and i just space out. they keep telling me to try harder and its just frustrating to hear. looking forward to watching the video :D

[@SoLongSpaceCat]

Yeah honestly that sounds like a bad teacher if they can't recognise that your friend isn't the source of your distraction

[@loriallen67]

@@SoLongSpaceCatthat’s harder to spot to an uneducated eye than you think.

[@pendlera2959]

Do you have an ADHD diagnosis and accommodations? If not, it's unreasonable to expect the teacher to treat you as if you did. If you do, then you need to adjust your accommodations so they work better.

[@janicesg6218]

​@pendlera2959 If your parents don't interviene on your behalf you might need to go to a school counselor or some who is familiar with ADHD. With the right people in your corner you will succeed.

[@BruceNJeffAreMyFlies]

@@loriallen67 Only if you're willfully blind to it. If you look for a moment, it's clear as day.

[@TheEDFLegacy]

Yep, this hits close to home. It basically falls under what I would like to call the ADHD trifecta; Hyperfocus, Panic, and Burnout. Things are easy with hyperfocus, but is unsustainable long term. Things are easy when you're blitzing a deadline, but is unsustainable long term. Burnout is the end result of the end of either, and is avoided by avoiding riding on the hyperfocus and/or panic train for too long. I'm currently stuck deep in burnout myself right now, and it's been extremely difficult to do much of anything unless I get lucky enough to get a bit of hyperfocus. My panic reflex is completely gone at this point.

[@loriallen67]

I hope you can recover with rest and time. Be well❤

[@mrk1951gmail]

OMG, YES!!! I'm with you. In fact I'm watching this/reading comments instead of doing timesheets I was asked to complete "early", which measures up to due about 3 hours ago.

[@jennlamaye3018]

Oh! So well said!! And I’ve found burnout may be my body’s way of forcing rest. Just know you are not alone. This is so relatable. ❤

[@lemmetalkaboutthis]

also, worth noting, your 100% can look different from day to day. That helped me a lot with the guilt of "but I was able to do it last time, so why not now?" Because you don't have that much to give that day. The important part is that you ARE giving 100%, no matter how much that turns out to be. You can't choose your amount of resources, only how you spend it.

[@leontineke]

Great insight, thanks for that !

[@sparklette1304]

Thank you for making this comment. It has resonated with me so much

[@jeandiehl5074]

So wise! Screenshot ting this!

[@KitsukiiPlays]

I still remember as if it was today, I tried so hard pay attention to the classes, tried doing my homework, put an unbearable amount of effort to try to study and I still failed the test. The teacher called my parents and told me “they are a smart kid, if only they made a minimal effort” “Oh yeah?” I thought “if my biggest effort has no value, why trying at all?” And that day on, I basically gave up everything

[@EMNaturefarmAZ]

Omg me too Only my breaking point was my ex but thats a long story…

[@markmuller7962]

Some times even when an ADHDer gives up it can be due to Depression or other comorbidities

[@TheAnxiousAdventurer]

Like my anxiety. I feel pressured to do stuff like plan my week and even try a little harder, so I just end up wasting time and not getting things done.

[@komicalkramer6188]

Or the depression you gained from your adhd

[@markmuller7962]

@@komicalkramer6188 Yes I definitely mean the ADHD comorbidities

[@jennifero1836]

Absolutely right. Anxiety is a big one for me.

[@Lilla-wb6zv]

I just read the title and already got a little emotional. I'm overwhelmed by anxiety and worrying that people think I'm lazy, while at the same time I'm exhausting myself to "try harder". Because my effort and the outcome never match. I have to put in so much effort to do "simple" tasks. Thanks Jess, your channel brings a lot of comfort, support and much needed guidance

[@rextitan]

Watching this feels like receiving a hug.

[@BeastMasterNeil]

An angry momma-bear hug :)

[@ahill4642]

And so do many of the comments. Lots of hard earned wisdom here.

[@aliengeo]

This hit very close to home. I've been told to "try harder" since I was a kid, and it was never fair because the problem wasn't "I'm not trying," it was system failures. Chronic sleep deprivation I didn't choose (sleep disorders are comorbid with ADHD!), unsupportive or even actively unsafe learning environments, unsustainable class demands... But it was all "my fault." Not only did this mindset from the people in power during my formative years _not_ help me succeed in middle and high school, it essentially locked me out of higher education. I can't be in class environments anymore without getting physically ill. It didn't just "not prepare" me, it left me _less_ prepared than I'd been to start with.

[@ahill4642]

Amen to this. I can relate. Even in this day and age students with ADHD deserve diagnosis and proper support they often are not getting.

[@focusonmeplay]

Something that happened a lot to me when I "try harder" is I will put even more effort into that ONE thing like a college project but then other stuff gets little effort or pushed for another day. The things that get pushed for another day then causes a bit of panic because now I just put myself on crunch time

[@SpeiAuream]

this, it happens a lot for me in uni, balancing the importanse of subjects it hard, let alone final exams week whit two exams, over the years it became harder and harder for me to do more than one final exam per finals week call. I usually put more tons of effort becuse i stuggle in one of them an the other goes more slowly in return

[@zachh6868]

It's just occured to me that ADHD content channels must have a crazy high watch time with how much I notice myself zoning out and rewinding

[@BeastMasterNeil]

Haha yep

[@virgo_vampire]

honestly i am usually a fiercely independent person, but when i absolutely cannot bring myself to complete a task no matter how hard i try, i ask a friend to body double me, wether that's just over the phone or actually having them come over and sit with me while i complete the task. if i can't get anyone to do that, listening to music or a podcast helps sometimes, but accountability buddies are definitely my first choice, they make a huge difference to me!

[@ahill4642]

Even brainstorming with someone and then “trying differently” can be good.

[@BeyondtheHiggs]

I love task analysis. I break up an intimidating task into multiple pieces that are less intimidating, and I don't force myself to do it in a specific order. As long as I start anywhere that seems accessible, it can be done.

[@ahill4642]

Excellent, I will be keeping that in mind.

[@aka.roryyy]

this is exactly what i need right now. having grown up in the 80s with depression era guardians, i was taught to succeed, and to try hard. i *start* at 100%. if i'm failing, it's not because i need help - never need help! - it's bc i'm not trying hard enough. now i'm 46, never finished college, never held a job, never even followed my dreams. and now i'm perimenopausal and i *can't* try harder, i can't even pretend that's an option. so as i try to learn to navigate my life with audhd, *knowing* i have audhd, and perimenopause, it's like... the only skill i *had* was trying harder, so what is there instead? all that's to say, thank you so much for making this 💙

[@TheRebelSpyGamer]

This was such an important and validating video. My journey was kinda backwards. I learned all the coping mechanisms and later on made all the best lifestyle changes I could - diet, working out, etc and it *Still wasnt enough*. It took therapy and medication but it took getting to that point and a supervisor telling me I was falling behind for me to accept that I really had something I couldn't overcome by the tools everyone else uses alone.

[@danielopez07]

Changing my environment when I can, is one of my favorites. Also, trying to change the perspective to "what can I gain for myself" as in learning or personal fulfillment from "I need to do this because it's an obligation."

[@phoebekibe9842]

Amazing perspective!

[@danielopez07]

@@phoebekibe9842 thanks!

[@Mind-Cep]

Hi Jessica, just wanted to say I listened to your audio book How to ADHD and its unreal! I am still undiagnosed but feel I may have ADHD so I am looking into the different options here in Canada. Your book and content has really resonated with me and has helped me understand my brain better but also communicate better with my partner which has created healthier ways to communicate. This video really hits home as I have times where I feel no matter how productive I am I feel like I am not doing enough and can do and should do more. Thank you for your content, book and the knowledge you put online its incredibly helpful!

[@tracilancaster6880]

I recently got a job as a school Custodian and this is a brand new skill set for me. Everyday my boss tells me I need to be fast and I always felt like crap at the end of the day, even if I accomplished all my tasks, because I wasn't reaching that golden "finish" time me boss was stressing. I finally figured out if I change my flow path and leave some duties for every other day cleaning I was finally able to hit that time limit. I struggled so much with this and I am so greatful you made this video. Even if you made it for you, just to get it out there, I feel so seen and valued. Thank you for making this awesome videos ❤

[@irinaphoenix2169]

Just the title and I'm already 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 or "you really need to be 'on'" which I've heard recently.

[@Yessicuhhh]

Thank you for this! I feel like some people think we can just overcome our ADHD if we try harder and it’s super invalidating. It’s like making someone with a bad leg feel bad for not being able to go up a stairs faster as if their bad leg is just a moral failing and not a literal limitation.

[@deanporter3509]

I’ve played D&D but I’ve never thought to bring “take a level of exhaustion” into my real life! Man that’s good! It’s so accurate

[@scottlidstone1902]

"So much potential, try harder" Every report card growing up, and my ex wife. Those words are like daggers.

[@onetruetroy]

Yoda said, “do or do not-there is no try” - I had no problem telling my parents, managers or other authority figures that their methods or instructions will never work no matter how hard somebody tries. I ask them to demonstrate. - As a manager, I’ve never told someone to try harder. I describe the required outcome, checkpoints and deadline. “Make it happen and document changes that increase quality and/or speed.”

[@BraTina996]

I have had migraines with aura since middle school and they always develop after periods of intense studying. In college I always used up all my energy in fall/winter semester, got excellent grades but then had periods of depression till spring/summer. In july and august I didn't want to go on vacation because I knew I had too many exams to finish in september and then came periods of intense anxiety, panic attacks and no sleep. When the last exams came I was not only burned out again but heavily depressed and stressed. On the first few exams I still got high grades but the last ones I could never finish because panic attacks and migraines escalated. I was so ashamed and dissapointed in myself I always ended up apologizing the professors for not making it through... It's a viscious cycle.

[@TheBlueArcher]

So many of these videos is such a rollercoaster ride of "Yay! things I can use to do better in the future" and Reliving horrible experiences and struggles growing up because I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD yet.

[@BeastMasterNeil]

Right there with you

[@Aussieloz1]

Best advice I ever heard which has been helping me with returning to university from full time work is to work when my focus is high. So I like to read in the morning or just before bed, but writing happens earlier in the afternoon when my brain is happier doing something with the research instead of learning the information. I don't always have successful days, and I've had a few deadlines that meant I needed to push through (I could definitely see the difference in my work) but I've also handed a few things in early and got great marks. I still really need to exercise regularly and lose weight as this is definitely a roadblock for me.

[@nate2838]

5:50 is so important, and so misunderstood in the work environment. Even NTs deal with this, however, not as drastically. I have definitely noticed that being AuDHD, i'm like the canary in a coal mine. The things that are a problem for me, are often problems for others, I just notice it sooner and start having averse affects sooner. But, because NTs don't feel the affects as strongly, they don't respect what i'm saying when I address it, even though, by that time, I am already seeing the impact it is having on the others, because I know what to look for, where those that don't know what to look for won't see it, and then wonder why things are falling apart.

[@ziggystardog]

My goto is try or do something different, and later return to the main task. Oft times related activities can shake your brain loose and enable you to do the thing or get closer.

[@peterbathum2775]

Thank you. I heard this my entire life. Society still imposes this judgement every day.

[@johnlumsden9102]

I love that you have ADHD friendly sponsors! Just one request, please drop a reminder in at the end. I nearly forgot to check it out.

[@ogshotglass9291]

Sometimes I have found out that being calm and actually trying NOT as hard helps. Here's an example: when I started working as a dishwasher/busser at the Denny's where I work, I was trying very hard to get things done quickly to be able to impress and get through the probationary period. As a result, I'd end up going too fast and dropping dishes, tipping over sanitizer buckets, etc. Once I started to slow down, I got actually got faster.

[@TheBanana93]

Slow and steady wins the race!

[@ahill4642]

Excellent example! You slowed down, you calmed down, you focused better… you succeeded.

[@lemmetalkaboutthis]

top of the list when I need to sit down to work on something: 1.make sure I have snack + drink within reach of where I'm working, and also use the toilet before sitting down to work ->It means less reasons to get up 2.step two is to set up a reasonable level of Chosen Distraction: ->my work needs 50% of my focus? Alright, I set up a podcast/audiobook/let's play, that will soak the the remaining 50% ->work needs 90%? set up well-known, maybe even lyric-less music with headphones in a set playlist, so it's familiar changes ->my work mostly needs like 60-70% focus, so I have a playlist that is full of songs I like singing along to, which I play and sing along to, like vocal stimming - if I don't feel like doing that, I re-listen to a podcast (it's not new anymore, so it doesn't need as much focus, but also, since adhd made me forget most details, it's still engaging) ->if work needs very little mental focus, then new audiobook (20/80% split)

[@margarety5443]

Love this, thank you for the suggestions

[@SageGypsy]

A friend of mine encouraged me to use the phrase "I remembered" in the place of "I forgot". Using her suggestion helps me to feel better about myself.

[@lauraxyz5388]

The third reason about sustainability hit me in the chest almost physically. Especially because i had those exact feelings yesterday. This was a good moment to reflect on that. Thank you sharing this!

[@MS-sr6mj]

Mel Robbin's 5 second rule help me. And just STARTING whatever it is I need to do (even just grabbing the item I need to do it with). Not looking past that most minute step helps me a lot because that's often the hardest part for me.

[@flugelblarghen]

Oh god. I've just been diagnosed at 29, and the opening "So much potential" did psychic damage

[@charliemopps4926]

Yeah... to make matters worse for me... They did IQ tests on me in highschool (I don't think they do IQ tests anymore, they don't mean much) and my IQ was off the charts. Like Einstein level IQ... lol But I would screw up the simplest stuff. I barely graduated highschool. So I had this constant message from everyone around me that I was this "untapped genius" or some nonsense. But now we know, IQ doesn't really mean anything other than that you're good at IQ tests :-D and yeah, I'm smart/clever in certain ways, but the educational system isn't built to actually test your knowledge or understanding of the topics at hand. They're just like the IQ tests... schools test your ability to pass tests. Which is an entirely different skillset. My wife and I recently took an accounting class. She aced the class... I dropped out before I got to the end. But guess who's doing our taxes? I clearly know more about math than she does. Why was she so easily able to ace that class? Why did I have to drop it?

[@jornsyy]

When people told me to try harder, I always said “you have no idea how hard I’m trying to try”

[@mohmedhassan6875]

This video came in a perfect timing bcs my current job is requiring alot of effort and time and i really needed someone to tell me try different things instead of people around me telling me try harder , don't be soft etc

[@Ginkgobonobo]

Can we appreciate the struggles of people with OCD & ADHD as well? I could barely focus on the content of this, because that clock in the background is not running. The second hand doesn't move.

[@NicolaMaxwell]

Same here!

[@Devy81-e6l]

It’s so nice to finally feel understood. 43 years old. Was diagnosed last year. I am grateful for your videos and book. Read your book and cried and cried when reading the old strategies part. I always did feel like I was trying so hard. Never understood why I could not function. Now I know.

[@stevelegault]

Great timing. Feeling exhausted from trying harder. It's hard to explain to people around me how I'm really trying my best. I hear a lot of “But you're so smart, why is your project not moving faster?” It's good to hear from other people feeling the same way I do. I have been trying to work “smarter”, a version of working “different”. That, and “smallest step forward manageable” keeps me rolling when I just want to quit. Now I just need to allow myself breaks. I love seeing other's ways of dealing with ADHD. Thank you so much!

[@matthewlykos356]

I learned to interpret "try harder", as "look more stressed". Anyone else? I'm trying to unlearn that now. (Looking stressed is stressful)

[@aphinion]

I just transcripted your conclusion, so I can put it in my ToDo List so I will always remember

[@TheAnachronist]

I think an important thing is to protect sleep and other basic needs is the key for preventing burnout. I actually think it's good to try harder, but protect yourself from burnout through concrete steps like insisting on a 7-8 hour sleep period and (even in the most emergency situation where you might hyperfocus and stay up to finish something) never ever go lower than 5 hours of sleep. Another one: recognize when you may be entering an anxiety-driven spiral where your fears are not aligned with reality. Don't panic, instead try to focus and remember that essentially no one starves to death in the US. You're gonna make it, even if it doesn't feel like it!

[@BruceNJeffAreMyFlies]

'essentially no one starves to death in the US' sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it is WAY too easy to become homeless, and die as a result, in that country.

[@thadguy7984]

You have no idea how much your videos help me. I always feel like I'm broken, then I watch your videos, and I see I'm not alone.

[@JimmieHammel]

I've designed my life in a way that lets me do things I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my side gig. I don't think of it in terms of forcing myself to try harder anymore. Instead I spend effort at improving the things that will give me more energy to enjoy the things in my life that I love. So I try harder at eating well. I try harder at getting enough water. I try harder at going to sleep on time. And I let my ADHD have the rest of my day to play however it wants. There will always be stuff that HAS to get done, that I am not looking forward to. (I really need to go to the DMV and update my address on my driver's license...) But I don't structure my whole day around things that fill me with dread. Cause that sucks.

[@Benjiffy]

I’ve recently been reconsidering whether I have adhd or not (I haven’t bothered with assessments, and always been chronically ill, which masks symptoms for me), but this video appeared after a couple of months of me feeling totally collapsed (I can’t even bring myself to check emails each week) and it’s very profound and helpful. Thank you

[@MikelangeloPhoto]

I may need to watch this video on a continuous loop for a while... this one hit different. Thank you for what you do.

[@laaaliiiluuu]

Ironically the opposite seems to work for me. Not to try harder but to try more gentle. To let the action unfold upon itself rather than forcing to unfold it.

[@AsymptoteInverse]

I didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until my late 20s, and I didn't really believe any of it until my early-mid 30s. But when I started reading about other people's experiences of ADHD, one thing that had been bothering me since at least junior high finally became clear: "Why don't other people seem to struggle with everyday tasks like I do? Why don't other people get so anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of doing things or socializing?"

[@loriallen67]

I hyperfocused and “tried harder” for 50 years. Then I couldn’t try at all anymore. My whole nervous system just said “no more” and my mental and physical health plummeted. I have recovered some. But some issues will always be. Burnout is a real thing.

[@elainabrooks5862]

My top tool that I am just now slowly learning how to use is to be consciously proud of myself for the effort I put in, and to know that even if my outcomes are not perfect, my effort itself is something I need to recognize and be proud of. Because if I’m not proud of myself I crumble and I deserve the pride because I work hard for it, even if my outcomes aren’t perfect. Reminding self over and over again.

[@jonathonterrell2329]

Recently started medicated treatment about half a year ago, and my world has fundamentally changed. However these therapies and understanding how to not overmotivate myself into oblivion is a super helpful reminder that I still need to temper the drive so I dont burnout tomorrow. Fascinating video!

[@perfectionista492]

For me, it's not so much about trying harder. It's fighting the impulsivity that comes with ADHD by self control and rejecting the fake dreams that a cheap dopamine rush can give you. I have to accept my intelligence being insulted due to the bad patterns I've had in the past and the fact that I must exclude myself from certain spaces that I don't belong in order to find my place. It can be a very lonely road, but I am working on accepting it and going from there. I will feel invisible for awhile until I can get myself together.

[@moonhunter9993]

yeah, I get what you mean.

[@MachaMongRuad]

There with ya. 🫂

[@not.bjcary]

What hurt me over the long term was that when I "tried harder" and I STILL failed, then I internalized the belief that I'm just not meant to succeed. And I'm still trying to overcome this. At 44, on the other side of a major burnout, I'm struggling with setting and starting new goals because it feels like: "What's the point? I worked SO hard before, I 'tried' so hard, and it blew up in my face. So why try?" This has been a hard thing to work through 😐

[@doc_sav]

Similar age, and I have been on a similar arc to this. Doing my maximum effort doesn't really get me ahead with anything professionally, except in getting burned out. People just don't seem to care that much, and quickly forget the heroics. If I go totally low effort, the people above me get mad that I'm not carrying them anymore. There's a weird sweet spot in between where I seem to be very successful, but unfortunately for me ADHD kind of means I'm fully in or fully out, so walking the tightrope is also exhausting.

[@maybelegendary427]

it is hilarious, that a day i am saying to try harder. Your video gives me the security i need to put try harder at the bottom f my priority list. Your videos have helped me a lot to understand ADHD better and hope my life improves from this. Thank you so much.

[@Raedae233]

THIS is one of the most accurate descriptions of a weekly or daily struggle with ADHD WOW!!!!

[@xchrysantha]

As a special ed. teacher who also has ADHD, I couldn't agree more. I had a kid - not even currently in special education- who is a safety patrol, has lots of friends, loves learning and has fun with math. But there are days where she REFUSES to write. Flat out will not do it no matter how much the teachers ask her to or try to implement consequences. One day I sat down with her and asked her what was going on, if she could describe what was happening. She broke down sobbing and said "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE." Then at the end of class she SLAMMED the door and left. The next week I designed a worksheet for my SpEd kids for their lessons that significantly reduced the executive functioning needed for the assignment. She was SO HAPPY and asked me to make her another one. This was not a kid throwing a tantrum and having behavior problems. It was a kid giving 150% with zero gas left in the tank. These kids (and we ourselves) are trying SO HARD with every freaking brain cell in our head. And when someone can see that and supports them with it, it completely shifts the trajectory of their lives.

[@rhyafireheart3139]

I am not struggling with ADHD but still find this and a lot of your other content helpful for myself. I struggle with constantly taking on too much, because at the moment I do it, I can. But I never stop to ask myself "yeah, but can I keep that up? Is it sustainable?" Your input to consider this just clicked with my brain and heart, because being reliable is very important to me. So I now have a new tool to care better for myself, thanks to your work. I am very grateful and happy for that.

[@rixatrix]

There’s that old quote that goes like, “If you want a job done fast, ask a lazy person,” and when you take the judgment out of the language 🙄 that’s the goal. Let me find the most efficient, quick, low effort way to get the result I need because working harder than I need to is just going to mess me up. Let me figure out how to hack it or make a faster system and then let me go take a long break. I’m good at finding the easiest way to do a thing (and a lottt of people are doing things in the least efficient way possible, so there’s always opportunity to do it my way and save time 😂)

[@doodleverse4462]

this...helped me see myself in a completely different way. you have no idea how much this video you made for yourself helped someone clueless about themselves. thank you so so much

[@ColleenJoudrey]

As a kid, I found my inconsistent abilities difficult, frustrating and opened me up to an obnoxious amount of scrutiny so I eventually learned that even if I knew I had more to give, I chose not to because It was easier to deal with being consistently mediocre than the ups and downs.

[@justhatpoodle2264]

This has been a struggle with my career. When faced with an obstacle I’m told to try harder or made to feel like I’m not trying on work. What always hurts when someone has been working 20-30 years at the company saying try harder but ignoring the lack of support I need

[@RJHarvey272]

The go-to strategy that I seriously underutilize is going on a walk. It is SO EASY to do, and makes a huge difference me, but I either simply forget to, or don't want to approach problems any way but head-on, and deprioritize healthiness.

[@loriallen67]

Same

[@NadiraJamal]

For the "try different" section, one thing that always helps me is to ask "how can this be easy?" I got that from a coach a while back. YMMV, but it gets me thinking about approaches that would make a big difference instead of small tweaks.

[@jonathanp___________3606]

I actually like the outfit change at 2:43 because I glanced back at the screen and realized I'd missed a bit because I hadn't been paying attention. I could go back and rewatch sooner than I would have without the visual cue...

[@jezeijl]

rewatching this one. And I think it won't be the last time....Thank you! (also Sunsama user now)

[@miokjr6286]

I try translating “try harder” to “be more efficient”. 😊 I find that it pays of to ask yourself if how you are doing what you are doing could be done in a more efficient way. 🤔 It’s not about trying harder but trying smarter😎

[@miokjr6286]

I actually think that’s better 😅 “Don’t try harder! Try smarter!”😊

[@raheeeg]

I've accepted the cycle and leaned into it, I schedule my days alternating between what you can loosely call productive days and lazy days, productive days I'll do the bigger bits of housework and study, lazy days I plan nothing and end up doing the most

[@mrjohncrumpton]

I tried Samsura again recently but was overwhelmed. Could you consider a longer screen recording style video where you plan your week? Over your shoulder look at planning. Thank you for you videos

[@NicolaMaxwell]

It's a lot, it's really overwhelming for me