Husbands Behaviour Flipped & Accused Me Of Loving Our Bio Child More Than Step-Child r/relationships

[@onewingedangel9189]

Imagine your wife, friends, family, therapist, couples therapist, and four year old daughter telling you you're in the wrong and yet still refusing to change.

[@pansprayers]

Paranoia from unaddressed trauma is a mind f*ck, hey?

[@LilySaintSin]

@@pansprayers He's a grown man. He needs to sort himself out.

[@wmdkitty]

@@pansprayers He's just abusive, please don't make excuses for him.

[@DePhoegonIsle]

@@wmdkitty Yep, He's the villian. We've never have it any other way.

[@Cell287]

@Melody Ackerman as true as that is. This is more of an explanation and not an excuse. I condemn his behavior, but understand his fear.

[@catandrobbyflores]

"Making both of my mommies leave" oh that got me. That poor kid. Her dad is a freaking douche canoe and is to stupid to see it after everything 2 therapists, his brother, best friend, and even family has said to him. OP is way better off away from him.

[@MaryTheresa1986]

That part broke my heart. I hope OP or her former in-laws were able to get custody of her. The former husband doesn't deserve to have either of his children.

[@MaryTheresa1986]

@Melody Ackerman I wonder if the husband got his first wife pregnant to babytrap her and lost his 💩 when she left.

[@rachelhoyle5728]

@Melody Ackerman I think the ex was the problem. We hear from OP that the dude’s family all hated her and didn’t want the marriage but the guy didn’t listen. He married a druggie/drinking woman and thought maybe a baby would help and surprise, it didn’t.

[@Profitglutton90]

I can see the perspective from both sides honestly. I can see the husband’s side clearly. But also her side too.

[@mezzokitty247]

I feel horrible for Lizzy, she has two crappy parents, a druggie/absent one and one who only pretends to care about her and tries to use her as a pawn to manipulate young women into being replacement parents (not buying the favoritism bs that he is claiming). I wish that her dad’s brother or another relative who actually cares about her would take her in so her dad can’t end up taking his anger out on her (very worried that will happen out of frustration that OP refuses to be his scapegoat to blame all his problems on). If that can’t happen, hopefully Lizzy hangs in there and immediately cuts contact with him once she is old enough to move out. Maybe by then she can reconnect with OP (since OP will most likely lose contact with her once the divorce happens) and she can have a parental figure who actually loves her and wants the best for her.

[@mindyschocolate]

Throwing stuff out of her suitcase, screaming at her, dictating to her…he is a red flag. He is abusive. He’s using Lizzie to manipulate OP. Divorce him. He’s scary af.

[@dashcash7852]

OP needs to divorce him and file for custody of Lizzie, seems to me that Lizzies bio-mom isn't the only one with BPD

[@mx9226]

@@dashcash7852 Can stepparents gain custody of stepchildren? Wouldn’t the kids just go to other bio family members like grandparents, aunts, or uncles?

[@FirstIsa]

@@mx9226 If the kid is old enough, and there is a solid bond with the step parent while the bio parents have proven to be unsafe or unstable then yes.

[@pansprayers]

@@FirstIsa that's so rare, it's almost non-starter, especially since she has living biological family this would have to run through first. OP would've had to of adopted her before all of this, and even then, it would be hard to get past a judge.

[@pansprayers]

@@mx9226 I've seen it happen maybe twice. In both cases, however, the step-parent had adopted the child, and there wasn't any biological family willing/able to assume custody.

[@SLTheOneAndAwesome19]

The husband feeling "ganged up on" by literally all of his friends and family and both his couples' and private therapist really doesn't make him question his own behaviour? It honestly feels like this isn't even about what he perceives as being best for his daughter and is now just him continually doubling down because he can't accept that he's wrong. It's kind of frightening to think that the reason OP's relationship with her husband was so smooth until now was just because they agreed on most things. It's kind of terrifying to see how deluded the husband gets when he insists he's right, despite *everyone else in his life* explaining why he isn't. I just feel bad for the daughter in all of this. Dad's claiming he's acting like this to protect her and he doesn't realize that all he's doing is hurting her with his behaviour.

[@tabathaalshalhoub1653]

I was thinking exactly this. It’s almost like he feels he backed himself into this corner and he just can’t admit he was wrong. I mean, if he could see that his wife is handing him this *huge* olive branch …

[@SLTheOneAndAwesome19]

@@tabathaalshalhoub1653 Seriously! OP is trying so hard to make this work because she wants their child to have his father and, it sounds like, because she still wants to be part of her stepdaughter's life. She is literally trying her damndest to do what's best for the kids and her husband is throwing it all away because he can't admit he's wrong.

[@tabathaalshalhoub1653]

@@SLTheOneAndAwesome19 and I know I’ve personally had times where I was wrong and it sucked to admit it. The weirdest thing is that it always feels better to admit when I’m wrong and then move on. Holding on to the “no I’m right!” Mindset is soooo damaging. Even with my kids, I always tell them when I’m wrong. “Mommy was wrong about this. Even grownups make mistakes and can be wrong.” Like, what is he even teaching his daughter?! He’s being a horrible role model for her future partners.

[@josefineandersen2165]

it dosent. I was in family counselling as a teen with my mother, and my mothers (happy to say) Ex. he was the problem, but he could not see that himself, some people got so stuck in being right, they cant stop to see they are in the wrong. that is what you see in many Karen stories, it is proven been told your wrong can hurt as much as being hit, so these people who cant admit they are in the wrong go in defense, instead of taken the hit they double down.

[@WhitneyDahlin]

I know right lmfao like bro if your whole family, all your friends, your wife, and your therapist ALL tell you that you're in the wrong. YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.

[@kirstyjackowski6341]

Him asking her to be a SAHM before they were married was the red flag that he was with her to be a replacement mother only.

[@dillongage]

Would he not have done that WHILE they were dating then, not wait until well after theyre married and having a kid of their own? Either way, I frankly dont think this guy is sane enough to have actually planned that tbh. He just seems completely irrational.

[@80soa]

​@@dillongageit's such an assumption under patriarchy that the man doesn't need to plan it, most think it's a given. Doesn't make it less insidious.

[@dream6562]

If he can provide for the family, there is nothing wrong with asking her to be a stay at home mom

[@theurbanfarmlife7311]

Not at all. He gave her an option.

[@CouncilEstateRach]

​@@80soanope,

[@AndyyWithAY]

OP has a beaiutiful shiny spine. I'm so proud of her. He chose a woman barely out of college, so she was malleable. He's been grooming her. She pulled that y'all gon' learn today and he was shocked he was losing control.

[@catharineholton49]

I agree. He wanted a mother he could control for his child... not a wife and partner to love. Well done her for standing her ground.

[@DragonflyandTheWolf]

right? Its so scary though because he was so convinced he could make her do what he wanted. Ordering her to sleep on the couch and his surprise when she told him no. And telling her he wont "allow" her to stay home after two weeks? Who says that to their spouse? It really didn't occur to him that he didn't have the final say.

[@haroldvazquez]

Lets not go too far with grooming smh

[@Keyonne88]

@@DragonflyandTheWolf That nonsense! You don't get to tell me to sleep on the couch because you're mad. If YOU want to sleep there by your own choice, that's on you. But that is MY bed just as much as it is yours, and you cannot tell me to stay out of it.

[@Keyonne88]

@@haroldvazquez An older man chose a younger woman who he slowly worked on getting into a position of control over, then started abusing. What would you call that? Cuz that looks like the definition of grooming to me. Definition from Webster's: "prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity.". He was grooming her to take abuse. That word has more meanings than grooming minors for sexual abuse.

[@tieardragon4919]

Honestly after reading the update I want to bet that his controlling behavior pushed her into alcoholism to cope. And if she was a wild child from the start he could have had the “I can fix them” mentality and in turned controlling and made it much worse. 1) Her making monthly payments is proof of this theory. If she was truly irresponsible she would not make payments at all. 2) Lizzy “Making both of her mommies leave”. I think Lizzy saw/ heard something and still remembers. 3) Asking her to be a SAHM when THEY WERE DATING!!!! WTF. This is the biggest red flag there is. He didn’t want a partner he wanted a free babysitter. Her husband is abusive.

[@raincandy1653]

He's most likely one of those "All my exes are crazy" type of guy

[@dillongage]

Her making monthly payments is proof of nothing. I know you women dont understand this because it rarely happens to you, but as long as you have an income the government automatically takes the money from you. The only way to avoid alimony and/or child support is to literally not have a job at all, and in most states that will wind up with you in prison. Congratulations though. You went through a whole list of things to conclude what the yelling alone could've told you. 😂 great job overthinking this when the solution was obvious 👏👏 truly, bravo.

[@sk8ergrrl1]

Yeah by the end of it, I was starting to think that he is the common denominator and the fact that his daughter says “you made both my mommies leave” makes me even more certain that he is the problem. I wonder if the ex got sick of his controlling behaviour and just broke from it and now can’t bear to be around him anymore.

[@ladytrucker251]

I was beginning to think the same thing at the end of the story because of how aggressive and pushy he was and how easily it came to him. The biggest thing was how he just cannot be wrong no matter what and it's OP's fault or it's his ex's fault. He's just not wrong ever.

[@alexacarrillo4339]

When I got treatment for my cptsd I saw that quite a bit. People who would end up with substance use disorders and mental health issues were highly empathetic but married to controlling abusers. Once they had the substance use disorder everyone sided with the abusive spouse.

[@kimberlyterasaki4843]

This story is the definition of “fuck around and find out.” Dude was waving red flags for trying to get a woman he wasn’t married to, to quit her job for him to become a stay at home mother to his child. It’s pretty clear to me that he was looking for a mother for his child more than a partner. And good on OP for getting out of there even while pregnant because that man is a controlling mess who was one step away from physically abusing his wife while she was trying to leave him. Now he has no wife, a daughter who hates him, and a baby who he’s only going to be able to see part time.

[@Andbit365]

Exactly! Like the audacity of him to ask her to quit and be a stay home mom for his kid when the relationship isn’t even that deep yet from the sound of it. Like I’m sorry but, no matter how much I like someone, I wouldn’t do that shit either. If I wanted to take care of a kid, I would’ve gotten one. Also it’s not like Op is a bad stepmother, she was the best sound like. He just want a replacement for his EX and that’s where he fuck up.

[@ToxicSunrise132]

@Melody Ackerman Yeah I wouldn't want him anywhere with the baby or myself and the baby alone in OP's shoes. I'm leaning more towards him pulling a runner with the baby and disappearing than anything violent but the way he behaved when OP left makes me worried for her safety

[@michaelmorris8302]

Were they engaged?

[@aikikaname6508]

Exactly. I’m sorry but a step parent is the partner of the parent, not the parent unless they adopt. The stuff they do for the child is SUPPORTING the parents and helping with their job, but the duty is first and foremost the parents. HE should be primary caretaker and it’s mad to expect her - his currently childless partner - to give up her career to take care of HIS kid full time wife or no. It sounds like he’s pushing most of his duties onto his spouse when he should be doing it. It’s always a bad sign when a parent pushes their spouse into being their kids atm or tries to shove loads of duties onto their partner and it’s people like that which make most people not want to touch single parents with a nine foot pole and whom make single parents who’d never dream of pushing their duties onto their spouse have a harder time dating

[@Z_err]

@Michael Morris no they were not. Bf and gf.

[@despinasgarden.4100]

I feel horrible for Lizzie, she finally had a positive maternal figure and her father blow it all off just because he wanted to make his other kid as miserable as she was to make things "fair", i dubt the husband will go back to therapy, it sounds like he just doesn't want to get better or is just to stuborn/pridefull to admit he is in the wrong.

[@zerotodona1495]

How is this wrong? It’s called being fair. She is only doing this because it’s her baby. Lizzie isn’t.

[@despinasgarden.4100]

@@zerotodona1495 i mean that i feel bad because Lizzie now doesn't have a maternal figure in her life, is not bad that she is leaving him if this is how he is treating her. And of course is going to be diferent, the baby needs full care, a toddler like Lizzie doesn't, it doesn't mean she loves her any less.

[@slantos2668]

@@zerotodona1495 even people who have multiple biological children might choose to stay home with one but not the other - not because it's "fair" but because it's LIFE. You don't make up for one child's lack of care by pulling away every other child's care, you ensure you make up for it by giving more age-appropriate care at a time when you have the resources to give care.

[@DePhoegonIsle]

@@slantos2668 That's the point isn't it? That parents try to make things 'as fair as they can' for their kids.. and a wounded father whom is doing the best from a fucked up spot is being smacked by everyone and told all his views are wrong.

[@MorganVsTheInternet]

That’s what drove me crazy. How was Lizzie life bad? Even with a missing mother she should’ve still had the same amount of care unless he was a bad father. What OP was planning would’ve benefited both Lizzie and her baby sibling since she would’ve had a parent at home more often that would help her transition into being an older sister easier.

[@MiraTheWarlock]

Imagine robbing your daughter of a good mother figure because your ego was bruised It might've been 'for Lizzy' at first, or he at least thought so, but lets not kid ourselves HE is pissed about his ex HE has issues about his ex HE is projecting her onto OP It stopped being about Lizzy a long time ago, and instead it became about his need for control

[@rqstuv9336]

Agreed, Lizzy is just a tool or pawn for his manipulative tactics.

[@insideAdirtyMind]

I wonder if the ex was just his tool as well, sometimes manipulative people ruin their partners souls and they just end up as alcoholics giving up at life. Would like to have a serious talk to the ex wife

[@hagamapama]

He has BECOME his ex

[@nataliereeves3594]

It was never about lizzy, just his own issues with wanting to control everything.

[@nataliereeves3594]

Is what he told op about the ex true? Has she ever got confirmation from the rest of the family regarding her? Considering his behaviour and lizzy saying he made both her moms leave makes me think he lied about the situation in order to control those around him.

[@countrygirl7402]

He didn't want a wife. He wanted a mother for his daughter. Wife was some far off term that was ambiguous to him at that point. Mommy for my baby. That's all he was thinking. Saying he wanted his girl to get what was owed to her... yeah...right there. It's like he hired a mom for his child. Sad.

[@ScooterBond1970]

My thoughts were similar, sounded like he was trying to groom her into a nannymommy but she said no, so now when she wants to be a SAHM for her own baby he's just bitter and resentful

[@aikikaname6508]

Ugh exactly. He also didn’t want to have to make career sacrifices to parent his own kid and pawned off his kid to the first female he met even though it’s his kid not hers. Men like him are why I’d never go near single dads. Too many think somehow it’s more a woman’s job to take care of a kid they’re not related to than they take care of their own child

[@didyasaysomethin2me]

Story 2: This man sabotaged his relationship with both of his children. And what Lizzy said to her dad about him "making both of (her) mommies leave," you have to wonder if at some point she saw him dishing out toward his ex some of the same kinds of controlling behavior that he tried to use on OP. Even if his ex was a monster, he doesn't automatically qualify for sainthood just because he was the lesser of two monsters then, if that's how it happened. And now, he *is* the monster irregardless.

[@jamestomlin5525]

Story 2?

[@BaliandDarkWolf]

there is only one story

[@jamestomlin5525]

@@BaliandDarkWolf it's a bot me thinks

[@youwereboringd59]

@@jamestomlin5525 Looool a simple mistake but the rest of the comment is well said and constructed. "It's a bot!" Ridiculous.

[@nataliereeves3594]

Lizzy needs to be removed from his care before things escalate further.

[@TonySamedi]

OPs husband is a prime example of how when you feel you're "being ganged up on" and "no one is on your side" that you should at least entertain the idea it's because YOU ARE WRONG.

[@DePhoegonIsle]

Nah, this is the prime example of.. when your couples counsoling should stop right there, and Both of them need their own consoler. Some people grow up their entire lives with everyone blaming them for the dumbest shit... and gaslighting them into everyone else turning on them. He needs HELP... not people bashing him.. Flip the genders.. and I promise you that everyone wouldn't be painting the Husband (now wife in fliped version) as the villain, but some tragic vagina that has been abused by men, and just needs help through it.

[@TonySamedi]

@@DePhoegonIsle It's amazing how you got his entire family gaslighting him from literally no evidence of that. Your opinion may change on flip the genders, but nah, mine doesn't. If a wife was berating her husband for choosing to stay at home with the kid AND work at the same time. Especially from some stupid shit that "But my other kid didn't have a stay at home father, so the new one can't either!" I'd call her on her bullshit just like I will this guy. Everything isn't gendered discrimination, some people are just fucking wrong, and OPs husband (or wife in a gender flipped version) is one of them.

[@emanx222]

@@DePhoegonIsle lol you somehow managed to miss the key points of the story. How you came to your conclusion is highly baffling

[@despinasgarden.4100]

@@DePhoegonIsle if this man was a woman my opinion wouldn't change at ALL, trauma doesn't give you an scuse to be shitty towards your spouse, no matter of you're a man or a woman.

[@ohno8398]

@@DePhoegonIsle he had his own counsellor though? Who also told him he was wrong.

[@void9938]

Can't help but wonder if OPs husband's abuse is the reason lizzies mom can't handle being a properly functioning person.

[@jamestomlin5525]

Mote than likely

[@nataliereeves3594]

We only have what he told everyone about what happened to go buy. It might pay to look into the situation more.

[@joreyn7656]

How does he not see how unreasonable it would be for any woman to give up her career to be a stay at home mom to a child that isn't hers while financially depending on a man she isn't married to. Like no one would agree to do that.

[@NerdilyDone]

That's exactly right.

[@ineedhoez]

A low self worth woman. It happens every day.

[@dune3001]

Some people are experts at self-sabotage. The husband had clear issues, and if not even his family is on his side, you know it is super bad.

[@LunaP1]

It’s like when a Nice Person™️/Beardy gets into a relationship. They start seeing their SO as property to control however they want and then start abusing them for no reason. Then they are shocked when their SO leaves them for a better and safer relationship. Self-sabotage is the perfect description for him.

[@crowdemon_archives]

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Of all things.

[@rachlangl787]

I've looked at this story on reddit, it's 7 years old. I wonder how things turned out in the long run for all parties involved. Hope Lizzie is ok, since she is 15 now if the time stamps are correct.

[@brigidtheirish]

Seven years and no further updates? I'm so worried and hope Lizzie, OP, and the baby are okay.

[@viddergrapho8488]

@Melody Ackerman The scary part of inherited diseases. Especially with trauma like this attached.

[@NovaGirl8]

@Melody Ackerman it's genetic

[@alichamay7012]

@Melody Ackerman and @NovaGirl you are both right. Bi polar can be triggered by abuse (both drug related as well as physical), it runs in families, AND can also appear out of the blue.

[@sdragonfly5549]

@@viddergrapho8488 BPD is hereditary and there is a chance Lizzie will show signs but a chance that she may not. Unless something in her environment triggers the genetic disposition because as said before BPD is both of these things.

[@tamitami9275]

Keep hearing about how bad the ex was, but his actions kind of make me wonder if his exes action were due to his treatment of her. He could of been this evil screaming control freak with her behind closed door and broke her.

[@LunaP1]

I was getting the same idea. He screwed up his first marriage and now he’s done the same in his second marriage.

[@rachelhoyle5728]

She has BPD though. It’s incurable but is treatable. It sounds like she didn’t get hers treated. If you’re around these people and they’re untreated, you do get burned. It’s best to keep them at a distance and not think babies will fix them. It never does. His family also didn’t want their marriage but dude wouldn’t listen.

[@nataliereeves3594]

That's what he told op but what has the rest of the family said. Did they observe bad behaviour or are op and the family going by the narrative he created. Considering his behaviour and lizzy saying he made both her moms go away makes me think he may have lied.

[@Aziza_Nyxie_Jynx_Ashling]

The disgusting thing is he keeps saying “she is unstable” because that worked with his ex, it made everyone take his side, so he is using it to try and win this whole thing. I know many ppl who pull that kind of crap all the time

[@Mimino55-y5k]

Exactly, I thought pretty much the same. Maybe his first wife was not as crazy as he painted her, or maybe he gaslighted her into the depth of madness.

[@AndyyWithAY]

32 yr old divorcee going after a 23 yr old. That's a red flag in itself then trying to force her to be a SAHM

[@RylieRiddle]

OP would have been one the greatest stepmothers, the kind who is gifted with adoption papers on her birthday or at Christmas. The kind of stepmother turned adopted mom who walks down the aisle with the bride and makes sure the groom knows mama bear is watching. And the husband just screwed it all up. He wants to not be his ex but he went full 180, he's so concerned with making sure Lizzie is treated right, he wants her treated better than the infant on the way. I don't forsee OP and him staying together because he didn't hear what the couples therapist had to say, he kept fighting against it and doesn't accept he is wrong for thinking an infant and school age kid should be treated equal. Lizzie can do chores, will he expect his son to put away toys at 2 months old? That would be fair, right?

[@strandedinseattle9931]

I think you are projecting a fairy godmother template onto OP as far as being a stepmother. Even though I don't doubt OP has love for Lizzie, every comment about her was an afterthought. "I want to do this, and this, and this for my son; and oh yeah, I'll be there for Lizzie if she needs me, too. Maybe take her to a museum." That does not sound like a stepmom who is doubling down on her love for a child not of her loins. That sounds like she clearly has a boundary where care for Lizzie is concerned and she is not stepping over the line into being Lizzie's 2nd mom. She does a lot of mom-like things (picking up from school, making dinner, etc) but probably more out of being kind to her partner rather than waving an "I'm your new mom" flag. She signed up to be a spouse, not Mommy #2. Lizzie's real mom, for better or worse, is in the picture and actively seeing her daughter once a month. OP is not shading the mom or claiming "mom status." Which is actually respectful towards the real mom and not a bad thing imo. The big issue is that OP and her husband never defined his expectations of her role where Lizzie was concerned prior to marriage or what obligations she was willing to take on in lieu of the real mother's scarcity. if they had been open about it, she would have then learned he is looking for a new mom for his daughter first and foremost and that was his #1 priority (even though the kid already had a mom in the picture).

[@lizfritz6546]

I mean her safety can 100% still be at risk even with a good support system around her. Abusers, “control freaks”, and others can spiral out of control when their object of control/affection/whatever, leaves their grasp and while it doesn’t always mean murder/harming that person, it can still be a risk.

[@carolroberts4614]

He definitely seems completely unhinged over this! Even if they resolve this situation, what happens if she disagrees with him over something else? I wouldn't feel safe afterwards!

[@pansprayers]

Yup, it's well known in the DV world that your risk of being killed increases EXPONENTIALLY when you leave.

[@LilySaintSin]

@@pansprayers Or when you're pregnant.

[@HackiePuffs]

OP handled this situation like a champ!! She knows her boundaries and yeah she does have moments of feeling bad but that’s only normal in these situations since yeah they’re not always the easiest ones and they come with their prices. But I’m really glad she knows what’s best for her and her 2 children. I wish her and her kids the best. 💙💖

[@MarkNarrations]

Too true Hackie, it was nice to hear what they refuse to tolerate.

[@jay2thaudy]

She kinda keeps giving him opportunity after opportunity though. She needs to just get the divorce.

[@HackiePuffs]

@@jay2thaudy like I said it’s not an easy thing to do but I’m glad OP still knows what’s best for everyone deep down. And I’m glad she has a big support system in case anyone needs to remind her.

[@KCohere33]

She seems like a very good wife and stepmother and her idiot husband is seemingly blowing up his marriage for no reason.

[@KyrieChii]

@@KCohere33 I've been trying to figure out _why_ he's throwing so much good away for seemingly nothing.... The only thing I can come up with is 'control'. She's made it clear that she has her own mind & independence, & maybe that was too big of a 'threat' to his ego? He was unable to 'control' his previous wife (totally different scenario, of course). He tried to dictate to her & it didn't work, that's when he really seemed to lose control of himself (screaming, throwing things, balancing on the edge of violence & scaring her out of her wits). The last resort of the weak.

[@XionSteel]

when literally everyone: wife, step-relatives, blood family, your own daughter... is telling you that you're wrong and you don't see how you are wrong, get fking help.

[@Shamazya]

He got help and STILL doesn't think he's wrong or at least have enough perspective to understand that even if he were right that he's causing far more damage by not coping and moving on.

[@angie3609]

The 9-year age gap, with OP being only 23 when she met her soon-to-be-husband being 32 and already divorced with a kid, was my first red flag honestly. I didn't trust him.

[@LadyCheshire95]

My patents have a 7 year age gap and he was also divorced and had a child. Not really a big red flag every time and age gaps are common. Don't tar everyone with the same brush.

[@angie3609]

@@LadyCheshire95 Hello hello, my apologies if my statement offended you. I moreso meant that I was uneasy of someone older and previously married with a child going after someone nearly a decade younger, who was barely an adult to begin with. As well as less experienced with relationships (including ones with children involved!). I don't think age gaps themselves are always bad. I personally am also in a relationship with an age gap of 7 years, but I was older than OP when I met my current partner, and didn't start dating them right away. Also no kiddos heheh. I'm glad to hear your parents found happiness in each other. God bless! 😊

[@Logitah]

Whoa... This man is a bloody dumpster fire! Not only is his wife quite a lot younger than him, he also acts more childish than his 4-year old daughter! I don't think he will ever find happiness unless he actually works this stuff in therapy (which I doubt he'll do). I'm also starting to wonder whether or not his ex was the sole reason for their divorce.

[@Morinhetar]

Even if the ex was the main reason for the divorce. He choose her, an inestable woman with BPD, to be the mother of his first child... so it's definitely his fault too.

[@NotAFanOfHandles]

She's 8-years-old, not 4. OP _met_ her when she was 4.

[@whynotkevin5215]

the strength of OPs spine is absolutely amazing. she's the kind of person I can look up to

[@wwondertwin]

This is a perfect example of how some men see women as totally interchangeable parts to mother their children and cannot comprehend how a woman's relationship to a child that was created inside her is naturally different from her relationship to a child she didn't give birth to herself. She can love both equally much but the relationship is necessarily different thanks to the experience of having carried the child inside her own body. But some men fail to understand this, despite it being blatantly obvious to anyone with a few braincells. Those men probably don't think about the woman herself as more than a device to do all the hard work of feeding and actually raising his biological children, although these men usually don't have any confusion about their own biological children vs. step children or adopted children, or imagine the reaction of some men when they learn their child is not biologically his! There's no confusion about the difference in the relationships between the biological child and the parent vs. non-biological child and the parent then. But somehow this comprehension doesn't extend to women's relationships with children in the minds of some men like OP's husband.

[@Parasolhyena]

It's so interesting too though because a step child and an adopted child are similar in the fact they may not be biological but so different in the journey and how they end up in your life it can often times a lot of adopting parents feel a very similar pull they would have with a biological child. They've waited and waited and they made the choice to have this child. That of course does not invalidate the feelings of love step parents have but it's a different feeling. Not many people go out looking to be a step-parent even if you love it once it happens.

[@renaeodonnell4558]

Everyone around him is telling him he is ruining his own marriage with digging in his heels, looks like he needs to lose it all before he might finally understand what everyone is telling him.

[@LunaP1]

OP divorces him and gets full custody of her son using reports from the therapists, CPS steps in and gives his daughter to his family, and his whole family and friends disown him and go NC with him. When he is left to flounder alone is where he might have an epiphany. But then again, he might self destruct and spiral out of control to the point where he will have a psychotic break.

[@mericawillis2338]

@@LunaP1 hope she still got to be in Lizzy’s life

[@ajzephyros7454]

I think even if he loses it all, he still won't understand

[@stillvisibletoallusers]

@@ajzephyros7454 I think so too. I think if he loses everything it might actually make him worse.

[@nataliereeves3594]

I hope lizzy is removed from his custody for her own safety.

[@Commenter839]

Poor Lizzy. It's heartbreaking that this child is being caught in the middle of everything.

[@wendyhadley2764]

If boyfriend is unable to comprehend that people change and situations change and treat you like this over something so insignificant I'm afraid there are going to be continuous conflict with him about his daughter. Your daughter (technically stepdaughter but it seems like you feel like her mother) seems to be doing well and is happy. Whether she's had a stay-at-home mom or not I don't see what the problem is. Getting some marriage counseling might help but first he's going to have to see how in the wrong he is. The daughter was 4 years old when she joined the family. The baby is going to join the family as a newborn there's a big difference there.

[@wendyhadley2764]

Now that I've heard the updates I just heard for you and Lizzie. I don't understand how the father cannot see how he is hurting the daughter he thinks he's protecting, that poor little girl must be devastated and he just pushes and pushes any chance away from him to having the happy family he wants. Is there a possibility of you getting part custody or at least visitation rights with Lizzie. It seems like that could be good for her.

[@MaryTheresa1986]

@@melodyharpole8272 I agree. I don't he should be allowed anywhere near any of his children. I know his first wife has been painted as the villain, but I'd love to hear her side of things. OP's husband tried to poison his family against OP and it didn't work, but maybe he was more successful the first time around. 🤔🤔

[@slantos2668]

@@melodyharpole8272 I'm not sure it's blatant favouritism so much as just anger at a woman changing her mind....

[@DePhoegonIsle]

@@MaryTheresa1986 Yes, totally fathers shouldn't have access to their kids right... and it's always the women who is the victim. I mean, Men can't be broken or scarred people.. fuck them I suppose. Hell, I mean... He's the total villian I suppose.. because it's always the guy.. *puke*

[@Kris-wo4pj]

@@DePhoegonIsle oh i get it now youre not ignorant youre a mgtow or an incel. love this. hes dangerous to the child and his ex. I'm surprised he didnt hit her with how violently he reacted to her wanting space from him being abusive. yes trying to control what another person does with their life and saying ya wont let them make their own choices is abusive i know your kind has problems seeing this. he cna be broken and scarred all he wants he just cant be so abusive he might hurt the child or his ex. shes scared he might hurt the kid since he obviously doesnt care about him that much or will kidnap him. yes ya can kidnap your own kid i know this is another issue your kind has problems with understanding very slow bunch ya lot. and he is the villian in this situation of destroying the family, being abusive, reacting poorly, manipulation, harrassing and refusing to get help for his issues. he wont go to therapy and heal and insists that abusing his son and wife are a good thing. hes the bad guy for hurting his family he claims to care about. he can be not the bad guy by idk healing, therapy, figuring out his shit, not being stubborn. im sure his ex was crazy i dated someone with bpd and they can be terrible people but he doesnt have an excuse for why hes a terrible person.

[@damien678]

just wanna say: dealing with unmanaged BPD while being with S1 husband would be a complete nightmare, it's no wonder his ex is a mess

[@pansprayers]

Dealing *with* someone with unmanaged Borderline Personality Disorder will make you, the partner a complete trainwreck. Of one of them I know who actually manages hers (mostly) a good day is like dealing with Regina George from Mean Girls. When she got pregnant? Yikes on several mountain bikes without brakes. No meds allowed (can cause birth defects) during pregnancy or breastfeeding, and the problem is, she doesn't see the problem with her behaviours, so getting her compliant again was like yanking teeth. Borderline typically manifests in adolescence, as it has a genetic component. I'm fairly sure that this is a ripple effect from the ex.

[@damien678]

@@pansprayers but we do need to consider that BPD is considered the most painful psychological disorder. not saying that excuses people's behaviour that refuses to manage it or even see a problem (two of my closest friends have it and manage it so well you can forget they have it in the first place), I still feel like the dude could be sus though, and can have at least some empathy for the ex even if she's trash in a lot of ways

[@pansprayers]

@@damien678 oh, I have a LOT of empathy for the ex - I know of several with it, too (bio family is a bit of a trainwreck), and I can't fault them for having it anymore than I would someone with MS, cancer, or any other 'purely' physical disorder (such a BS categorization, as even my own genetic disorder - Vascular Ehler's Danlos - has a co-morbid diagnosis of depression in about 75% of cases that I was thankfully able to dodge - waiting for the impending doom hammer to drop of a spontaneous aeortic dissection and painful death is a bit of a mind screw sometimes). I'd be more inclined to question the dynamic if his family hadn't expressed their feelings about the ex and the husband even dating, much less getting married and having a kid. The fact that he has sole custody tells me a LOT - even the person I mentioned has 50/50 physical and sole legal custody of hers. This really looks like a case of a victim becoming an abuser, due to a bunch of unaddressed trauma that he thought he'd put to rest. I've seen it happen more than I'd care to think about, and if he's not careful, he'll lose BOTH kids.

[@void9938]

yes!!! bpd is like a fire that violently latches into and consumes those around them until they're just a burnt hollow shell of who they were before the bpd person stepped into their lives. then the bpd person moves on to burn someone else to the ground because you're no longer the favorite person they put a death vice on in the first place.

[@nataliereeves3594]

Do we actually know she had it, or is that something he made up as an excuse to control her and eventually get rid of her. We only have his word for it.

[@ceciasa3376]

From the very start of the story, the part about OP's husband yelling at her for her changing her mind about being a SAHM was a huge red flag. OP handled everything like a queen, was smart enough to recognize toxic behavior and speak up against it, even in the face of danger. I know the husband is sort of wrecked because of the ex-wife, but it's still very unacceptable the way he is behaving. It also looks like everyone in his family seems to agree on that as well, even his daughter, who probably hates him for driving OP away. What could have been a good thing has been wrecked by him and only he is to blame. OP said it herself that he needs to do his part if he wants a family and on this, I totally agree, since marriage is supposed to be about compromise.

[@sfsin3380]

@@nicdegrave3313 My Grandaunt's second husband was an abusive gold-digger (first husband had a good pension and she had inherited the family farm/farm house from Great Grandparents which she started renting out after first husbands death). He had his family convinced she was the gold-diggers (they got nasty shock when they sued and found out everything was her premarital assets). Manipulative abusers practice on family

[@thelonelion]

When people say they’re being ganged up on in a situation like this, they need to realize that if it smells like shit everywhere you go it’s time to look under your boot.

[@carolroberts4614]

Nice analogy!

[@chits28]

2 weeks maternity leave is almost as shitty as OP's husband😌

[@MaryTheresa1986]

I agree. That's no where near enough time for OP to heal and bond with baby.

[@gypsygem9395]

I know right! I was like, wtaf!

[@chits28]

@@MaryTheresa1986 Ofc also not enough time for the body to heal, not enough time to rest, it's real sad

[@vikki8699]

I fell off my chair when I read that.

[@ineedhoez]

Facts!

[@nokiaforever5724]

So by the husband's logic if his daughter had any kind of disability he would want (or make him : crazy people do crazy thing) their son to be disabled too, in the name of fairness ??

[@pansprayers]

Or, more correctly, would he wish a mental illness on OP, in the name of "fairness"? This dude's heading quickly into Main Character Syndrome and/or losing even his daughter to his parents or another relative.

[@nokiaforever5724]

@@pansprayers Why not both ? Both is good 🤪🤪

[@catharineholton49]

Exactly

[@TheUselessbuthappy]

There is a huge difference between staying at home with a baby and an 8 year old. I'm a stay at home mom now but I won't be once my kids reach school age. Lizzie is at school all day and based on ages, she was schoolaged when they got married so it wouldn't have made sense for her to quit her job then. Edit: she is going to work from home either way. She can do it while with him or without him. All he is accomplishing is making sure lizzie doesn't have the benefit of it. He is losing a dollar fighting over a penny. In the end Lizzie is the one who is really suffering becuase her dad is being irrational.

[@WiseWordsbyWiki]

It sounds like hubby wanted to trap a new woman to raise his kid and thought he got a pretty good deal. Till she announced she wanted what he originally wanted and realized he did not manage to manipulate her as well as he thought. Also interesting Lizzy views him as driving away both her moms? Wonder if he was actually the problem there and ex just snapped?

[@MaryTheresa1986]

OP's ex should *never* be left alone with her son under *any* circumstances. I think he will hate his son for "destroying his family" and kill him out of spite or revenge. There's a very high chance of shaken baby syndrome happening in this situation.

[@catharineholton49]

My thoughts exactly.

[@deijix]

Life pro tip: if you’re going to couples/marriage counseling and you feel like you’re being ganged up on by your partner and the therapist and getting mad about it, there’s a 9/10 chance that YOU’RE the problem. If you get upset that no one is seeing your point of view, theres a 9/10 chance that YOU’RE refusing to see anyone else’s point of view and steamrolling your POV as the “real” or “right” one. If you’re not having a good time in couples therapy, most likely, YOU’RE THE PROBLEM.

[@DePhoegonIsle]

Ya wanna know what makes it worse.... if you've a history of a manipulative 'partner' before and they managed to turn others against you with their lies and perversed words, and you couldn't counter it. Flip the genders, and we'd see a different stream of conversation about ' the poor damaged woman who just needs love and understanding, with support.. and it'd be cruel to do this to her '

[@avantikamathur2859]

@@DePhoegonIsle pls stop projecting a gender difference where nothing exists

[@LizLuvsCupcakes]

It’s like that saying- if everywhere you go smells like shit it’s time to look under your shoe.

[@day_dreamer9316]

@@DePhoegonIsle Yea no, there are a few double standards on Reddit that seem to get a pass, this is not one of them. For two reasons. One, she insisted he go to both individual therapy and couples counseling. So the therapist has only heard his side of the story and yet he still refused to listen to their advice. Second, he was the first person to tell his family the story. He set the narrative and they still tore him a new one bc what he's doing is wrong. It's possible that his ex was manipulative and abusive but it's clear he learned a few things. Using his daughter to control his wife crossed a huge line.

[@terrex28]

My heart just breaks for that little girl. The husband is unreasonable and irrational. When literally everyone has a problem with you, 'you' are the problem. Just a sad, sad situation.

[@ViridianAubergine]

Y'know, I was fine for most the story, and then I got to the part where Lizzy screams at her dad for making both her mommies leave and now there are tears in my eyes. That poor girl deserves a dad that would put her best interests over his own damn hurt feelings.

[@MaryTheresa1986]

My heart breaks for Lizzie, and I hope OP can find a way to stay in her life. I'm assuming she hasn't adopted Lizzie and isn't "entitled" to visitation, but I'm still hoping OP is granted some visitation since she has been such a positive force in that little girl's life.

[@malindacombs8609]

I wonder if Husband purposely picked someone so young with the hope of control her? I don’t understand why he’s flipping out because each child has a different relationship with each kid. Husband needs to grow up.

[@HighPhoenix1754]

Holy Moley, story one was a doozy. OP was correct in doing what she needed to do. She is allowed to change her mind. She is allowed do what is in the best interest of the child. And the B's about being a terrible stepmother? A control tactic. I'm glad she didn't fall for it. Im glad that the husband's best friend and bro ripped him a new one. Finally, people holding the terrible spouse accountable. We need more of this. This guy just sounds insane.

[@brigidtheirish]

I hope the husband loses custody of Lizzie in favor of just about *anyone else* in his family. That poor little girl is going to be the next target of his abuse, especially as she gets older.

[@acousticb1]

@@brigidtheirish or even op

[@TheHellsHobbit]

@@brigidtheirish That is a scary thought, too bad OP could not get custody of her.

[@brigidtheirish]

@@TheHellsHobbit Yeah. Probably never legally adopted Lizzie and not being blood related would put a damper on any efforts she might make.

[@TheHellsHobbit]

@@brigidtheirish I wonder if she is able to show/prove he is unstable and is emotionally abuse to the daughter.

[@roserocks1979]

The husband is crazy!I hope Op divorces him,and gets full custody or her son.

[@alezot6141]

Any chance OP can get primary custody of both kids? I know it's wishful thinking, but there seems to be only one able parent/step-parent in these kids lives, and it's not the husband

[@nanidafaq7626]

if she formally adopted her, i think so, but dont quote me on that. i dont know the law that well when it comes to this type of stuff.

[@fytrndm]

Wow...the dude is a dumpster fire. He had issues? He should've gone to therapy and deal with it. Did he expect taking care of an infant is the same as taking care of a five-year-old? I'm not even a parent and I can tell there's a huge difference. For one, the daughter can already tell OP what she needs at five, a baby can only cry and you gotta play the "poop or food" game. Not to mention this would be OP's first birth, what if she had complications and couldn't always be there for her older daughter? Does that make he a bad mum as well? There's also the fact two children can possibly mean double the work for OP, her taking part-time position meant she would have more time for *both* children. Her daughter will see her too with that arrangement. Jeez, therapy dude!

[@ravanpee1325]

They had a deal, she reverses the terms. That's not cool

[@MiraTheWarlock]

@@ravanpee1325 You even hear the story? Every single person, including a practicing therapist, has pointed out there's a difference between infants and 5 year olds The different circumstances as well His abusive behavior

[@ravanpee1325]

@@MiraTheWarlock So you can change every agreement when it benefits you and the other person has to understand...the circumstance is different, (because it's our/my kid now instead of your kid :D)

[@christionmajors7688]

@@ravanpee1325 you're slow aren't you. Did you miss the several times that OP stated that a.)she would've had to quit her job immediately and b.)she wasn't personally comfortable with doing that around then. When she got pregnant and was in a good place in her job to do part time job ..THAT is when she was comfortable enough. Hell she even mentioned a shit ton on her own that she loves Lizzy like a daughter and would be able to bond more with her. Its ofc gonna be different when you have a biological bond with your child as opposed to a step child. But unlike other step parents you hear about OP actually has Lizzie excited about her brother, got mad at her own father for making her lose "another mommy" and hell... They have a mother-daughter dynamic thats healthy! So let me ask you this... How would OP have known that later down the line she would change her mind? Is she apparently not allowed to EVER change her mind my guy?! Plus her husband-to-be never made a fuss about it so she didn't want itd cause some fight with him literally terrifying and intimidating his vulnerable wife into feeling unsafe around him. She even tried to make it work but the husband ruined it by not trying and being stubborn. He has trauma yeah but now hes being a real shitty husband and father by what hes doing

[@ravanpee1325]

@@christionmajors7688 Yeah, I get it that she wants thais decision *now that she's comfortable with, although the agreement was different, because it was just the stepdaughter* I know that she has a different bond with the biological child and that would start drama sooner or later.

[@LilChuunosuke]

if the husband doesn't get therapy and change, I have a feeling that Lizzie will either gray-rock or entirely cut her father out of her life when she moves out while maintaining a relationship with OP. OP is clearly the loving mother that girl desperately needed and the husband forced them apart due to his selfish ego.

[@Tammohawk1]

When a woman is pregnant, there is a reason we get all emotional and such. It's more than just hormones too. Women's brains actually change in preparation for motherhood. So the fact that OP has changed her mind is perfectly natural. The way her husband exploded is a bit worrisome if you ask me. I can't believe the husband's mind set and how stubborn he is being about it. Even after the professionals have told him how this situation works, he refuses to see how OP's relationship should work w/his daughter. And I'm having a difficult time wrapping my brain around his attitude.

[@MariaEduarda-ng1th]

"I want things to be fair to lizzie" now lizzie hates him good job husband good job

[@pansprayers]

Skipping right past the usual Reddit drags about age gaps, his sh!t attitude and the typical touchstones most will point out: With anything greater than 5 or 6 years, child experts will tell you, TO YOUR FACE - that Lizzie is essentially an only child, anyhow. So is the incoming baby. The age gaps and interests are just too irreconcilable for it to be the same dynamic as siblings who are closer in age. Now, moving on to the 'you love the baby more than your step' garbage. OP's relationship started when Lizzie was walking, talking, and potty trained. Lizzie is also female. The dynamic has nothing to do with (a lack) of love. Every parent/child relationship is different. HIS relationship with his son will be different. He's not listening well enough for this to be resolved, he's being a controlling AH, and this sounds like a sh!t load of projection onto OP for his last relationship. Document the crap out of EVERYTHING - if this moves to divorce, with the existing history of the biological mother, and the husband's behaviour, there's a good chance that he could be called to the carpet regarding custody of BOTH kids.

[@stilettosnthaghetto6997]

Let's tell the truth here he got op as a replacement mommy. He gave her a child to settle her in the home but at the end of the day his main concern is his oldest child and the care she provides for her.

[@pansprayers]

@@stilettosnthaghetto6997 I don't get that feeling. He broached the SAHM subject once before they were married, and when she said no, he left it alone. If he'd wanted a replacement for the first, that wouldn't have been the case. Trauma - especially if it's unaddressed for this long - is a mind screw that can turn victims into abusers, if they're retriggered by an issue even they didn't know was simmering under the surface. Engage fight/flight, remove all rational behaviour, and this is what Cluster B Personality Disorders do to those around them. OP doesn't have to and shouldn't put up with this, but if he's not careful, he's going to find himself with supervised visitation of BOTH kids (judges will absolutely give custody to his family where Lizzy is concerned at this rate).

[@MiraTheWarlock]

Of course the relationship will be different the boy's not even born yet and he's already being punished

[@wmdkitty]

@@pansprayers What trauma? He's just an abuser, he abused his ex, he's abusing OP, stop making excuses for him.

[@pansprayers]

@@wmdkitty those are a lot of words for 'Shawna doesn't know what she's talking about', as seems to be your typical stance with mental illness, you're once again talking about a concept that you have absolutely no f*cking clue about. You seem to think, based on past comments on another channel, that women who have PPD, and have to leave them with their fathers, go to rehab, and follow prescribed treatment are abandoning their children (they aren't) more or less insinuating that you'd rather see an Andrea Yates situation, and here you are again, going off about something that is so far above your paygrade you're drowning in ignorance. You were asked before by another commenter if you just hate the mentally ill, and I'm starting to think they nailed you on target. I'm not even going to explain to you what a Cluster B Personality Disorder is, nor am I going to attempt to - in a KZbin comment no less - spoon feed you information that took years for those of us who have worked with the mentally ill to understand the amount of damage they cause to those surrounding them. I'm also not going to even try to explain to you the concept of how research has proven that living with someone who has a Cluster B that goes untreated leads to C-PTSD, and that, if not addressed within a very narrow time frame, the victim of the person with BPD is more likely to become an abuser later. The concepts of victim/perpetrator are not mutually exclusive of eachother, and have long been proven with this thing called 'scientific research'. Do us all a favour, get your a** to a Psych 101 class, and actually pay attention. Maybe look into some sort of mental health treatment, too, because your comments here and on other channels are frighteningly devoid of empathy, and education.

[@itsrainingrhinkona]

THANK GOD HIS FRIEND AND BROTHER HAS SENSE

[@charitynordstrom5734]

If you're a woman in your 20's without children, avoid dating single dads (especially older ones)

[@MultiTimelady]

Not all singe, older dad's are like that a**hole. I happened to have married one myself. Almost 30 years ago.

[@MaryTheresa1986]

💯

[@vikki8699]

Its why I stay clear of single Dads all together. Most of them are looking for a Mommy to take over and not a wife first.

[@LadyCheshire95]

I have to agree, although it works for some people like my mum who married my dad when my sister was 3. She was good step mother, my sister mother was very good and my sister loved her. I personally would never pursue a relationship with a single father I feel like unless I got lucky I would alway be second fiddle to the ex. If I want to go on holiday I either need her permission or feel awful and go without the child. I personally just would not want to ask permission to do anything in my life from a 3rd party.

[@haroldvazquez]

It goes both ways. Better yet, this advice goes more to the men.

[@jessicawolfe5861]

WOW. The minute you are afraid of your safety, the only option is to leave. I am so sad that this guy has refused to see what is right in front of him. Instead of helping, he blew up his life and Lizzie's because he refuses to deal with his feelings and the fact that he messed up.

[@NCAnon]

It seems pretty telling that Lizzie said husband made her mothers leave. (edit for punctuation)

[@OZARKMOON1960]

With everyone - friend, relatives, therapists - tell him how wrong he is, that man is never going to change his mind. 'if you would just listen to me!' - actually he means 'just do what I say and do not go against anything I demand'. I wish OP all the best with her son, but fear eventually there will be little to no contact with ex-husband and Lizzie (the poor little girl).

[@MaryTheresa1986]

I hope the former husband's family get custody of Lizzie and allow OP is still allowed to be on her life.

[@fcold9402]

1. If you are not quitting your job you are not a stay at home mom, just working from home. Husband doesn't get a vote, just your boss and you.

[@JasperCatProductions]

Story one, this husband is out of his stinking mind. Huge difference between a newborn and a 5 year old. If my husband spoke to me this way he would be gone. Instead of being grateful you have loved his kid he acts like this fudge him.

[@randalhill6283]

This woman is playing favorites. Screw her reasons, it's pure favoritism. The little boy is his bio kid and the little girl isn't so therefore she's going to make more sacrifices and forget about that little girl. I promise

[@Cocollyt]

@@randalhill6283 she’s protecting her life and child, she expressed sadness about not being in the little girls life, but that’s not her child, why would she stay with a controlling semi abusive person who even their family agree is terrible? Even if she were a lesbian and this was both women, it would be the same. Your comment has rotten waffle energy.

[@joaolima7131]

@@randalhill6283 wtf are you saying? Of course a newborm needs more attention than a 5 year old get your head out of your ass, dealing with a newborm is really tiring and they need constant attention so they are healthy, I don't think you know how kids and pregnancy work. Pregnancy puts a tow on a new mother, OP also isn't obliged to stay with an abusive asshole

[@randalhill6283]

@@joaolima7131 I'm saying she's obviously playing favorites and she's got everybody else fooled. She doesn't care about that little girl. She baby trapped that man and now that he's calling her out on her BS she's going to ditch him and just sit on her fat ass and collect child support checks. Her response to not being controlled is a typical response to somebody being called out on their BS. She's a terrible person.

[@randalhill6283]

@@Cocollyt I guess you've forgotten about all of the other redditstories where someone acts like they love somebody's child until they have one of their own and then that child has pushed away. That's what's going to happen here. It's already happening because she's going to divorce the guy just because he called her out on her bullshit

[@OliviD]

how is your 4 year old gonna be more mature than you? imagine thinking you’re doing all of this FOR her while you’re literally ripping her world a part. that poor baby 🥺 kudos to the wife tho! she’s a badass!

[@kristenkatz8425]

Mark- please be sure to update if OP posts again. My heart absolutely breaks for poor little Lizzie, the way she's yelling at her father for 'making my mommies go away' is just too much. I can't understand how he can see how this is tearing his daughter up and not do everything to fix his own issues. Like others have said I don't buy that this is about that daughter for him but for keeping control over his family in some twisted way. I hope that if divorce ends up being the final product that OP can get some kind of visitation with her because that little girl needs a mother like OP in her life.

[@baseupp12]

It's been 6 years there ain't gonna be an update

[@nataliereeves3594]

Hopefully, that's a good sign.

[@tabathaalshalhoub1653]

One thing that struck me from the very first post was that op was like, I changed my mind and now my husband is like, no, you can’t change your mind! Excuse me?! Like, getting new information and being able to change your mind is one of the biggest signs of maturity, responsibility, and good character. Doubling down on “well, you said *this* ten years ago so you have to stick to it forever!” How mentally old is this man? 5?!

[@jobo8281]

2 weeks maternity leave?????? That is crazy low.

[@Wakilonzo]

US system never fails to shock me.

[@pupperpalace9889]

'Mericaa!! The land of short maternity leaves!

[@aphelion4616]

@@Wakilonzo It's 6 weeks (unpaid however) in the US. I have no idea where it's two weeks. You must wait minimum of 6 weeks before returning to work, and that's only if you pass your post-partum exam. If your doctor, for any reason says you're not fit for work, you can get more. Depending on what company and such you work for.

[@Weirdandwonderfull19]

Wow, I really hope things are going better for OP. I hope she has a healthy and safe delivery with her son. I hope Little Lizzy continues to get help and her dad gets the help he needs too.

[@canadalovesanime3137]

This story sounds so similar to my ex that I have to wonder if he was at least partially lying about the ex wife. My ex told me all these horrible things about his ex wives(three). The stories were just within reason so I believed them. After he started showing his true colours, I started rethinking everything he told me. Then I got the chance to talk to his first ex. She told me very similar stories but relayed a much more realistic chain of events. That coupled with his behaviour made me disappear from his life. OP might benefit from having a conversation with the ex as well.

[@TerraMcgarden]

The fact the little girl SCREAMED AT HER DAD for taking away BOTH MOMMIES just broke me

[@Nishanth_mementomori]

Dude I hope OP leaves this guy there r way too many red flags here....he wants to control her, period. Hopefully she leaves him sues for full custody for BOTH kids especially now that even his family is on her side, before they switch sides

[@thebladeofchaos]

The sad thing is, I don't think the Husband wants to make this work anymore. He is terrified that OP will become what his ex was that he isn't willing to take the risk, that I can understand, but the fact he threw stuff out her suitcase as she was packing, and this all started over her wanting to be a SAHM, this isn't about favortism, this is him wanting control. He didn't have it at first when he asked, and now he is enforcing his control by making sure she can't do what she wants now. He's become the monster. and he doesn't want to fix it

[@LaineyBug2020]

Not the main point, but 2 weeks doesn't sound like a lot for maternity leave. Especially if she has complications.

[@pansprayers]

Kinda surprised she got two weeks paid in the US. I know of six figure jobs that will only let you take FMLA (unpaid) leave. My husband worked for a place that offered five DAYS.

[@khaleesireyna731]

@@pansprayers gotta love the US and the obsession with the grind mentality: "hey, you just pushed a human being out of your body and want to spent time healing and bonding with said human? Screw you, here's 5 days! Now get back to work *cracks whip*

[@TheLodjur]

Op's husband didn't marry the person that he loves to be a partner with, he married a mother to his child. Though he surely loved her, she was first and foremost there to be a stepmom. The guilt he feels towards his daughter makes him totally irrational to the point where he would hurt his son to ease the guilt in the moment. Why he feels such guilt I can only speculate about, but to the amount he does, makes him dangerous.

[@johexxkitten]

What about HIS blatant favouritism?? He WANTED her to stay home for HIS daughter, but not for their son... he’s putting his daughter before his new baby. His behaviour now is harming his daughter, she obviously loves her bonus mum and has even asked angrily why her daddy chased BOTH her Mummies away. Would he continue to put daughter first when baby arrives? Rather than becoming a father to TWO he sees the baby as less than his daughter. He’s showing serious signs of some totally effed up thinking here and HE is damaging his daughter. Tbh I’d LOVE to hear that OP had custody of BOTH kids while he got his Fricken head together. His friends has spoken to him, his parents & family have spoke. To him and counsellors have spoken with him, by now most people would go “oh shit, everyone thinks the opposite to me, I’m obviously wrong here” and try to fix this, but he sees himself as the victim, he’s not wrong, it’s just everyone else is against him and he’s playing and acting the victim and being childish. His daughter deserves better than him right now, poor girl saw too much with a psychologically damaged mother and now she’s seeing her father behaving similarly, albeit with less alcohol, it’s still damaging to her. I think the daughter needs a break from him while he gets the help he desperately needs. The longer it takes him to get his arse in gear, the longer he will miss out on his sons early stages of life. I truly hope the Daughter can go either to OP or her grandparents... OP & baby are not the only victims in this... I know the family confirmed her bio mum’s toxic behaviour, but I really do wonder now whether she went “crazy” and hit the bottle BECAUSE of him? Seems funny that he was right and both wife’s are against him, toxic and crazy.

[@michaelwoods3651]

Run! This is not an isolated incident. This is who he is. Actions not words. He sounds unhinged and ruined his own marriage. He wanted a maid and nanny, not a wife.

[@umbrasunbro2142]

Tbh this is a situation where I actually would agree with anyone suggesting divorce. It honestly seems like they both have very different ideas about parenting and I don’t think he’s going to budge on his opinion, especially if a professional has told him and he still feels justified. To a degree I can understand he doesn’t want his daughter feeling left out, but he’s failing to see she didn’t feel let out or less loved

[@NikStarow]

Holy macaroni, this man had everything and he threw it away because of some twisted logic that apparently only he gets. I am seriously worried about the daughter, but since she isnt adopted by OP, she cant file for custody. And if OPs soon to be ex spirals further down, he can hurt his daughter. Poor girl.

[@InuMokuba]

Not a therapist but it sounds to me like the husband has some BPD himself. I've lived through being with someone with BPD,and when they don't get help it's the worst. The fact that he literally can not see past what he perceives as true, never taking responsibility for his actions because again, when they feel feelings, that IS truth. OP can only be so supportive. Call it cruel, but if someone you know has BPD and is refusing help, you aren't the bad guy for cutting ties or holding them to their own threats after they decide to cut ties being so sure you're the villain. Such back and forth, break up back together is abusive. Mental disorder or not, the actions are fucking abusive and you shouldn't have to accept that to be "someone that doesn't leave" Again, I'm likely being too harsh due to my own experiences, and I never want someone with a mental disorder to feel they can never change/be better. It's incurable but you CAN manage it, but being so close to someone with BPD Fucked. Me. Up. So where I get husband's trauma, the fact he's now reflecting the same traits is odd and saddening. OP needs to stay strong with these boundaries and NOT GIVE IN. Biological kid or not, her son is a completely innocent party and does not deserve pain just because someone else suffered. Lizzie is an innocent party too and I feel so bad for her, but making another suffer doesn't help. Man this post has reached me deep...

[@sdragonfly5549]

Could he have BPD? Possibly. Is it likely? I don't think so. I say this for a few reasons 1. It tends to effect more women than men (that doesn't mean he can't have it but statistically the odds are low). 2. BPD is not an isolated illness and often occurs along side other illnesses. 3. It is prevelant usually manifesting in young adulthood. If he had it she would have known well before now because its a difficult personality disorder to keep in the bottle or disguise for that long. Could he be projecting from his trauma? Maybe. Could he have a personality disorder? Possibly. He's got some narcissistic tendencies he's displaying ar the very least.

[@InuMokuba]

@@sdragonfly5549 You have a valid point. It's likely my own experiences coming through, because that dedication to the illusion was so familiar to me. Not sure if he would have NPD, some traits possibly, though my encounter with someone with BPD, they had many narcissistic traits but not enough of the nine telling signs(almost none) but had so many of traits one associates with narcissists that it was shocking. It's hard to really tell the difference because so many little things make a difference. It's just his reactions are so strange. All traumas different and I can relate to having lingering trauma, but it feels more than projection like OP and others claim.

[@sdragonfly5549]

@@InuMokuba I am not going so far as to say he has NPD, narcissistic tendency is separate. People who display tendencies can be selfish in some areas of their life without being disordered. What tips me off in this regard is his inability to find any fault in his own reasoning no matter who is telling him and in this particular are. And there is vulnerable narcissism that is caused when someone experiences abuse. Narcissistic behavior protects them from feeling inadequate with regards to certain aspects of their life. It could be there is a lot of inadequate feelings surrounding his daughter and his role as a father. Again it could be anything, but he is clearly in need of therapy, but from this story he seems so convinced the problem is not him.

[@nicholasking4302]

Anyone else notice that the OP seemed to be doing the bulk of Lizzy's care despite Lizzy not being "her" kid? It kind of seems that the OP's husband was all about getting Lizzy a "new mommy" to the point of obsession even if it hurts his wife, wrecks his marriage, hurts his unborn/future child and Lizzy.

[@WriterDreamOfSweden]

Its so dumb, because she is still going to work from home, she is still going to do what she wanted from the beginning, but because the husband blew up and wantd to control and have it his way, he lost everything, he lost having a mother figure for his daughter, having a relationship with his wife and son. There is a saying that roughly translates to: "The one who opens their mouth to scream for more, often loses the piece they already have in their mouth." Which basically just means to apprecite what you have and not try to be greedy for what you think is ideal.

[@poohbear4515]

I feel incredibly horrible for Lizzy and OP. Her now ex is just a horrible, controlling person with so much insecurity problems about his ex. OP has done so much more than that worthless excuse of the ex mother did and she truly loved Lizzy like she was her own daughter. The husband was so overbearing and unreasonable that even his own family tried to shove some sense into his empty head! I’m so sorry for how that poor girl will grow up with a very unreasonable father and he’ll try to deface OP in hopes Lizzy will hate her too. My “dad”, I never will call him that, was just like the husband, but more narcissistic, egocentric, overbearing, controlling, and just downright awful. He won’t ever listen to anyone, but thinks he is God’s gift to society and will always think he is right. This really hit home for me cause of how he mistreated mom for trying to make him understand how much he was hurting everyone, but he just never learned to. My prayers go to both Lizzy, OP, and the baby.

[@flamelily2086]

OP's husband is deranged. His attitude that OP is not being fair to Lizzy by wanting to stay at home with her baby is ridiculous and unbalanced. OP working from home would be beneficial to Lizzy as well. He sounds as though he is losing it and I don't blame OP for being scared of him, he sounds as though he is completely unhinged.

[@ravanpee1325]

They had an agreement and she changed the deal.

[@flamelily2086]

@Ravan Pee Circumstances were different when they made the deal. For one thing, they weren't married, and OP did not have the option to work from home either. No woman in her right mind would agree to give up her job to be a sahm unless the relationship was stable. Circumstances change; OP can now work from home. Her husband's reaction has been so aggressive OP is afraid of him. His reaction is completely unreasonable. He could have discussed the matter calmly with OP. Instead of reacting like a deranged lunatic and making OP fear for her life.

[@ravanpee1325]

@@flamelily2086 They should have discussed this before they began to plan a family.

[@flamelily2086]

@Ravan Pee Her husband's reaction is way over the top. He has reacted so aggressively that OP is afraid of him and he will not listen to reason. My ex husband would fly off the handle like that for no reason that anyone could see so I know how OP feels. At least my ex would get over it and calm down. OP ex is keeping up his anger and hostility and won't let it go. He is being pathetic and he needs to grow up. If OP works from home his daughter will also benefit, not just the baby. What he is saying is "My daughter didn't have a sahm when she was a baby so I'm not going to let my son have a sahm either!" That is a very childish, spiteful attitude.

[@GabrielleHayes1921]

Lizzy is going to seriously resent her dad and hate him. I won't be shocked if in the future she asks to live with OP

[@thewordistruth399]

I've listened to this story and I've read the comments, and one thing I wonder is, based on the husband's behavior to this wife, how did he actually treat the first wife? Maybe everything was all her fault and she really did do everything she could to ruin her husband and child, but it makes me wonder if he was somehow very controlling with her and she fell into alcohol/drugs as a way to escape his super controlling behavior and that is what triggered her Bipolar issues. No way to know, but the husband's behavior gives me pause that he probably was not an altogether great husband to the first wife.

[@oldgreggsmadmemes4431]

Man this guy destroyed his family not once but TWO times

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

Does anyone have that story Mark read where Op always got the short end of the stick because her parents always treated sister better because sister was constantly jealous and depressed that OP was having a better life than her? Like the parents would force Opie to share birthdays with her, any special event that was about OP also had to be about sister or else she would throw a tantrum, and all that crap? I think Mark also read another story similar to that one where OP, the mom, was asking if she was the asshole because she didn’t punish her depressed daughter for sleeping with her other daughter’s boyfriend because cheating daughter was depressed and wanted what her sister had. Like when OP walked in on cheating daughter sleeping with sister’s boyfriend in the living room…..she started to cuddle with her daughter and hold her treating her like a baby after daughter started having a massive mental breakdown and talking shit about hating her sister for having a better life. Depriving/neglecting one child to make another child happy it’s not fairness. Husband has a wonderful devoting wife that loves his daughter, but he’s so stuck on “fairness“ that he is literally punishing OP for what his bastard ex-wife did. If there is another update I’m not going to be surprised if it ends in divorce. I hope the stepdaughter is all right and has a thick skin not to listen to her dad when he starts talking shit to her about how OP never loved her because she was so quick to abandon them. Or some other toxic garbage like that. Of course OP didn’t want to be a stay at home mom when the question first arose because they weren’t even married yet. If my boyfriend with his child ask me that of course I’m gonna say no because hello we’re not married. And the fact that she wasn’t in a place in her career where she could be a stay at home mom also makes complete sense. I would say he needs to pull his head out of his ass and realize how good of a relationship he has with a woman that loves his daughter, but after hearing the updates and how he’s been acting… I don’t think this relationship is worth salvaging. Especially with how he refuses to go to therapy because no one is telling him what he wants to hear, that he is correct. Clearly he was never taught that the right thing doesn’t always equate to what you want. He is clearly projecting how terrible his ex-wife was to Lizzy onto OP and that is not fair.

[@AuroraDracoSpeed]

I am hoping for another update and that she gets away from this man. Man is unhinged.

[@Silence-1170]

Hi all! Wishing you all the best on this Sunday. The positivity of this community is amazing! keep it up all you kind waffles!

[@MarkNarrations]

Aww Silence, thanks for being a part of it.

[@Silence-1170]

@@MarkNarrations And I'm glad to be a part of it!

[@jamess6203]

I don't often say this but, YOU GO GIRL!!! Stay strong for your children and also for supporting your step-child Lizzy.

[@jenniferclark9842]

So, what OP is doing is a good middle ground (working from home part-time), and the husband is throwing a hissy fit. Good show. If I were him, I’d see it as a win all around: She’s still working, but since it’s part-time and from home, she’ll be able to care for the baby, and spend more time with Lizzie. Did he not think of the latter?

[@AndyyWithAY]

I hope in the future when OP gets settled, she will get full custody of Lizzy. Both of her parents are POSs. OP is the best thing to happen to that girl ever

[@debl3063]

Two weeks? Most of the moms I know that go back to work take off 6 weeks. He wasn't even willing to give her the full maternity time. He was punishing her at the expense of both of those kids. I have a feeling if OP DID go back to work after their son was born, husband would have found something else to snap over. He was never going to forgive her for not staying at home with his daughter when she was in preschool. He was not willing to let it go, but continued to watch shocked while his marriage fell apart and his daughter lost the stable mother figure she loved. I wonder what happened to that family?

[@ciomaria6137]

I just have to say… I hope for an update soon… And I fear for OP’s safety.

[@carolroberts4614]

Someone has said it's 7 years old, and no further updates, unfortunately.Hope everything worked out for her and the kids, don't care about him!

[@ciomaria6137]

@@carolroberts4614 7 years ago? Wow. Now I really have a sinking a feeling about this story.

[@ixcxe6663]

The OP that wants to become a SAHM now that she's pregnant is experiencing the NATURAL NESTING/BONDING instincts that come with pregnancy. And the fact that she can keep her work in this situation makes it a LITERAL win for her, but ALSO for her stepdaughter who will benefit GREATLY from having a permanent "in the house" mother figure. The OP's husband is actually showing HIS favoritism, not for his daughter, but for his own TWISTED expectations that he deems MORE IMPORTANT than even entertaining the overwhelmingly POSITIVE simple facts of this situation. There are no "time machines" that will enable the OP to reverse time AND be her stepdaughter's bio-mom... so his statement about it "not being fair" is entirely delusional. Objective Reality isn't fair or unfair... it's simply a FACT. He's probably projecting his other issues/worries ONTO his wife (job/income pressures, the lifestyle interruptions that newborns and kids bring to the table) etc. and he likely needs therapy. Wouldn't surprise me if he had similar issues/reactions when his first child was born. But NOW he needs to think RATIONALLY... or he's gonna lose his wife and harm his daughter immeasurably with his childish/stress-based reactions. HuGGz

[@Icalasari]

Poor Lizzie, she's seeing the common denominator in her family being wrecked is her father. She's too young to HAVE to figure out shit like that

[@jeanipin3430]

I do hope there will be an update on the outcome of this. I so hope he gets it together through therapy. Best of luck to them, this is very very sad

[@25Erix]

Paused to say that OP's husband's brother and best friend are MVPs. Glad they were on her side.

[@MPbmfm]

My heart cries out for "Lizzy" she doesn't deserve this, but her father is an ass. A part of me hopes that OP will get some kind of custody over her even though she's not her bio mom

[@stephaniekinloch9094]

So, why did OP's husband marry her? Was it because he loves her, or because she would make an excellent babysitter? If OP had agreed to be a SAHM in the beginning, would they have even gotten married?

[@dianakosianka5344]

Story 1: NTA. OP's husband is being unreasonable. OP had solid reasons for wanting to be a stay at home mom, and it doesn't sound like she was trying to "play favorites" with the kids. I feel bad for Lizzie for having such an unstable man as a dad. No matter what he says, OP is not a bad stepmom here.

[@MydieLy]

Two weeks maternity leave... I so often forget how some other countries treat young mothers. Here in Germany, paid maternity leave (not full salary but still a very good amount) is a given. Employers are *forbidden* to have expecting mothers work in the last six weeks of their pregnancy and two months after birth. And you can negotiate a further few months' leave. Employers are *forbidden* to sack new moms up until 4 months after the birth. And after that, the government steps in to pay you so-called "parental money" so you can afford to stay at home longer, not just the mother, but also the father, taking turns, if they wish. Up to three years per child, but since people usually want to keep their previous jobs, they return after a year or so, it's all negotiable with your employer, who usually hires a temporary stand-in for the maternity leaver.

[@khaleesireyna731]

Oh to live in a place where paid maternity leave is actually good and you're not just expected to be ground into paste by late-stage capitalism because "muh freedum!"... alas, we're in the US we're it all only makes sense because rich assholes make the rules now.

[@barbara832001]

Two weeks is a short time, even for the US. I think it's usually 4 weeks for vaginal delivery and 6 weeks for cesarean section. It's not paid, you have to use vacation hours for that though.

[@LunaMane]

I can understand the husband's fears and concerns, but they're not an excuse for how he's behaving. This situation has the risk of Lizzy running away if the husband doesn't get it together. And I feel really bad for OP.

[@charlesmcclure8000]

"Why isn't anyone on my (the husband) side" Your side is wrong bro that's why... Jesus that dude is insane