I Don’t Want to Take Care of My Aging Dad

[@alanlippincott2802]

If father moves in, the son's address has to be registered. Don't ever help in that way. You'll be targeted and harassed.

[@pdxpickit2586]

@@alanlippincott2802 Such an excellent point you made. Never considered this. 👏🏻

[@melmel7011]

I think this should be pinned

[@OliveGreen0516]

Wow. I didn't even think of that!

[@LouIchioustheWerewolf]

Good point!

[@nancypicchi9224]

DO NOT ALLOW THIS PREDATOR INTO YOUR HOME! YOU WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN AS HARBORING A PEDOPHILE. YOUR FUTURE WILL BE FOREVER RUINED. YOU COULD EVENTUALLY HAVE PROBLEMS KEEPING A JOB, HAVING A HEALTHY MARRIAGE & CHILDREN.

[@inezyv]

John Delony, you knocked this one out of the park. His father is a predator and wants to worm his way into taking advantage of his son. It's tragic but not the son's fault and not the son's responsibility to care for this creepy dad as he ages.

[@0annonymous]

Depending on the situation, In some situations like mine, COULDN'T be there I barely survived years of severe life-threatening abuse that could have easily killed me It might not have been as bad as it could have been, but bad enough Children's Service had to rescue me Then when I got older I made one last trip or to past the old house, and one time I'm glad I was a passenger because I nearly had a heart attack I think there was likely demonic activity going on at the property, and NOW looking BACK, I think in the end, they BOTH got what was coming Mom periodically complained that the devil was nearby because she said she smelled something Yes, there was a murder in the family and both of the childhood homes were haunted as a curse was tied only to 2 items that I know of I'm glad that curse was in no way tied to what I needed access to when I secretly accessed comfort items and even What else was necessary to sustain me for survival until my rescue What all else happened When I was gone, I don't know What I can tell you according to a neighbor is there where busloads of people who came to see my parents UNTIL they just quit coming I wonder how many people found out what kind of people my parents were and what they did to me and my sister If they found out by Word of Mouth, then I guess for everyone's safety, they just quit coming is my first thought At some point, My mom ended up in a retirement home even though she never worked and always lived off dad, who was the ONLY "breadwinner" Of course after she took the fall for what Dad did to my sister, no wonder she COULDN'T show her face in PUBLIC When you abuse the vulnerable in your care, it always comes back around to bite you later if you don't quit and MAKE it RIGHT

[@eusaboston]

I think it’s the son’s decision ultimately

[@jennym007]

I just came to say that Dr John excelled himself here. Absolute gold. I hope this young man can begin healing now. ❤❤❤

[@basicallyno1722]

@eusaboston yeah it’s ultimately his mistake to make….

[@monicafamalett855]

Exactly this.

[@Mini-n6l]

He should put himself and his life first, his dad did. His dad is only reaching out because he needs help not because he wants to reconnect with his son.

[@lcolon5606]

Exactly the dad had choices in life too and should own up to the consequences of his actions and not burden his son. He can't have him around his family he's building.

[@killthemwkindness9064]

His dad needs help & wants his son to help him. Nothing changes the fact, that his dad is a PREDATOR!

[@FH-di9xi]

I hope he reads this

[@Kathy-qu8zj]

@@Mini-n6l I agree with you. But I also find it so sad that so many people that are sex offenders have often been abused themselves. Doesn’t make it right though. And this man must tell his significant other..

[@joniatoms9798]

There may be several reasons, one of which might be recompense and making amends, but doubtful. In all likelihood, the man lives in the city, where there are County councils on aging, charity, and governmental groups that will help him at home. It will be a process, but the son can give him a list of resources, possibly.

[@woodsandcreek7589]

Hospice care centers are full of mothers and fathers who were terrible people. *Forgiveness is important, but it can be given from a distance.❤

[@bettysmith4527]

Perfect wording!

[@lorireed8046]

They are , also, filled with normal aging parents/people that others just ignore cause it's too much of a burden. This is way more the fact that the abusive AHd y'all wanna highlight here .

[@bettysmith4527]

@@lorireed8046 LOL, you have no way of knowing how they treated their children!! They may treat employees with kindness, but they may have been a completely different person to their kids and family!

[@smb0621]

@@bettysmith4527Neither perspective is entirely wrong. There are cruel parents in these facilities who face the rightful distance from their children and are not truly repentant. And there are truly good, decent parents who were neglected wrongfully by children too self focused (and possibly self centered) to do what’s right by them. Kiddo, I’ve seen both. Children who “cut off parents” or who neglect them in their old age aren’t always the moral paragon. My own mom worked as a social worker with APS before retiring from nursing, and she saw many instances of aging, vulnerable people being used and abused by their own children-especially for their social security check. My MIL also worked at a bank, and had to save a few of her clients from more or less getting robbed by their own grandchildren. Some parents are evil. Some adult children are evil too. Nursing homes are filled with guilty and innocent-villians and victims. Or more often that not, normal people who are a bit of both (like most of us).

[@anniehope8651]

@as2223 Forgiveness has nothing to do with religion or with what you think you should do. You can not decide to forgive someone. That isn't true forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that grows in your heart, or it doesn't. It needs time, often many years. And then maybe one day you realise you have forgiven someone. It is very well possible that that day never comes though.

[@tobyfitzpatrick565]

I took care of my dad in his last days and it was one of the biggest mistakes. They don't stop. They do not stop. My mom stayed. She always says she didn't know... even after I told her. It tore me up real bad. This caller is doing the right thing for his own well being, for the well being of his wife and upcoming children.

[@AuntieOsTarot]

Same, but he's my brother. Mom somehow forgets even though several of us have told her.

[@SupremeWillis]

@@AuntieOsTarotseems like you gotta sit her down and really explain what he did no matter how bad the details are you gotta tell her

[@AuntieOsTarot]

@williamsherman2776 I have done so a number of times. So, has my sister. She disassociates. She will never get it.

[@jeraleewood5969]

Very well said.

[@jeraleewood5969]

​@AuntieOsTarot save yourself some therapy money, that took $1,000s for me to learn...she knows, she just does NOT want to deal with it or live on just her income alone! I almost took my life, for my mother, to pick my pedophile father, OVER protecting me. I left home and put myself through College to make a better life for my family.

[@peachysea20]

Hospice nurse here. To whoever needs to hear this, you do not owe your abuser (and this caller's father did abuse him even if it wasn't sexual) any contact, caregiving, or an end of life visit. Unfortunately, other people may try to judge or guilt you, but we WON'T. My opinion is similar to Dr. John's - how dare they demand yet another thing from you (caregiving, visits, forgiveness, etc) on THEIR terms and for THEIR satisfaction? If they want forgiveness, they need to take that up with their higher power, not with their victim.

[@Monipenny1000]

You said, "If they want forgiveness, they need to take that up with their higher power, not with their victim." Wrong! No one owes them forgiveness, however, they most certainly do need to take their apologies to their victims, they owe them that.

[@peachysea20]

@Monipenny1000 whether or not a victim wants to hear a deathbed apology from an abuser is just as personal of a decision as forgiveness. There are many reasons a victim may not want one. Some have already gotten empty apologies in the past, only for the abuse to continue. Some don't want to hear the abuser's voice ever again. Some feel the abuser's motivation for apologizing is selfish - that they're scared of afterlife repercussions for themselves instead of feeling genuine remorse that is focused on the harm they caused the victim. In 12 Step programs, step 9 is "made direct amends to [every person you harmed] wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I think that step very wisely recognizes that amends/apologies should be centered on the victim's experience and needs instead of on the offender's desire to apologize, and that sometimes the victim doesn't want to hear anything at all from you so you will just have to process your regret without any involvement from someone you harmed.

[@Monipenny1000]

@@peachysea20 I agree with all of that. I am only making a point that we owe apologies to those we hurt. We may not be forgiven, that's up to the victim and that's okay. The victim doesn't owe us anything.

[@theresabuck11]

No one but you knows the true story, others can't judge. No one knows until they walk in your shoes.

[@basicallyno1722]

@Monipenny I would never want my abuser to have come to me with any apology. It means nothing to me and I wouldn’t trust it. That man decided to become the embodiment of evil. He molested many children and I truly believe he may have killed some to shut them up. He was very violent. Nope, don’t come to me. I have no forgiveness, I just accept.

[@salemthorup9536]

The quality of this son is reassuring. At least the father couldn't corrupt him. I pray he goes and lives an amazing life totally free of the sins of his father.

[@tone1446]

Dear caller. Trust Dr John 100% on this. Leave him behind and set yourself free. Also, thank you for looking out for your girlfriends and others 🙏🏻

[@valeriekehrt7566]

Doing the right thing. Don't look back. Between him & God now. Bless you. You are a good man. ❤🫶

[@ineedhoez]

As a woman, it breaks my heart the way our society strips little boys of their humanity and emotions. We need to do better.

[@FollowAtheism-wk7jy]

Nobody here is interested in actually doing better, because nobody is interested in addressing a potential SO thoughts before a crime happens. They leave them to their own devices.

[@FollowAtheism-wk7jy]

Expect MORE of such things to occur, they are a part of life.

[@Tim85-y2q]

@@FollowAtheism-wk7jy How exactly would you propose to do that.

[@Ольга-ь4з2ъ]

Boys srtips themselves of their humanity by themselves, because they just like that. Stop blaming society in persons choice.

[@RM-qq5rj]

​@@FollowAtheism-wk7jy you're a ray of sunshine. Your username says it all

[@6thgen002]

Stay strong, your dad made bad choices. He is not your problem.

[@rpierce534]

You have zero obligation to him. None. I am no contact with my mother, as are my siblings. She chose to stay married to the monster who raped and abused us for years until my older sister FINALLY got someone to listen. She is now an alcoholic narcissist and I absolutely will not tolerate being around anyone in active addiction. There has never been an apology for choosing him over her babies. Not once. She continues to see herself as a victim and “she suffered, too!”. My mother is now in her mid-70’s and what she does and how she lives? Not my problem.

[@amberrose1108]

Even though she was very wrong, God calls us to forgive. If we have any unforgiveness, He won't forgive us either. You'll feel.much freer if you forgive. God will.judge your mom, you don't need to hate her or be bitter.

[@rpierce534]

@ I am unsure why you would assume that every person shares your spiritual beliefs; suffice it to say that I do not. Let me say it another way. There is a saying that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference and I am largely indifferent to this person. As well, I do not owe her or anyone my forgiveness. Have a lovely day.

[@cecilianguyen5627]

Fr idk why people use 'God' and their faith as a reason why other people have to deal with mistreatment and bullshit

[@marlenealvarado9964]

Plus people can totally move on from a situation or relationship without having to forgive the person who hurt them. Forgiveness can help with healing, but it’s not a must for moving forward-and forcing it on oneself can sometimes do more harm than good.

[@FindMeOnABeach]

​@rpierce534 Good for you!! Perfect response to the religious dogma police. The one thing these people never stop to think about, even if you believe in forgiveness, is I'm supposed to forgive someone who's never even asked for it? Has the person turned away from their bad actions? Even if she really had changed and asked you for it, forgiveness is YOURS to give or not. You get to take your power back. YOU get the choice you not have a destructive abuser in your life. You owe her NOTHING. I'm so sorry this happened and that you were given a sh*t mother in the parent roulette wheel of life. You're doing all the right things. ❤

[@AotearoaAnge]

This young man is more of a man than his father will ever be. ❤ I’m not even his mother but I’m so proud of him! If you’re reading this, I’m proud of you. All the best from New Zealand.

[@carolyndavison6095]

Wishing you an amazing future. I can relate with your family situation. God bless from Alabama.

[@michellesmith6558]

My uncle molested me at 3 and it’s taken me 40 years to tell my story to my moms family. It was my time to take my power back. I’m so proud of this young man it’s very hard to do this. I’m a mother of 2 young men for sons. They both are aware of what’s happened to me. I’ve been abused throughout my life and I’ve been through therapy. I don’t care that my extended family has been hurt by telling them what happened to me. It’s not my burden to carry that burden. Good on you for asking for help! You don’t need to apologise!

[@namimanamixx]

God bless you from Nagaland, India ❤

[@kainenable]

My wife’s parents were abusive to her when she was young, and did not show up to her graduation when she became a doctor. If and when they ask us for help I their old age I do not feel any obligation to do so. You reap what you sow.

[@r.marian6277]

I am currently working on my Doctorate and my Mom and I don't get along because she enables my sister who abuses her kids. I will not be surprised if she and my stepdad do not come to my graduation. If they don't,I will not be taking care of them. My sister can and they can deal with being abused..

[@kainenable]

@@r.marian6277 it is unfortunate, I have kind of accepted that they are really not a part of our lives in any meaningful way. Sounds like the same with you. Good luck on your doctorate!

[@laurenz4528]

I would never let family drama get this far except in extreme cases like this one…..we are family, you can count on me. Even when we disagree over something I won’t belittle your achievements, I wouldn’t do that to anyone tbh.

[@tictactoe325]

Dr John. You just spoke to my heart. I’ve been holding my brother’s shame (his SA on me) for far too long. This is not my shame to carry.

[@queenofmyownuniverse2339]

Sending you strength and healing ❤️‍🩹 my friend xxx

[@nadiad8913]

Thank you for your comment, it made me realise that I too have been carrying the same shame for a family members assault on me as a young girl...I choose to let this go... Bless you.

[@lydiaann5261]

i feel for you, i had the same “he’s speaking to my heart” emotion as you…its heartbreaking, i hope one day none of us feel any shame. we never deserved to feel it in the first place. 💟

[@jesilynsylvia9665]

Bless you! Healing to you!

[@NeccoWecco]

Your father's shame is not yours to carry

[@LotsofLisa]

Adult kids are going “no contact” with their parents for all kinds of reasons. This seems appropriate. As a vet, I’ve met and known so many soldiers who joined just to get away from their families for a myriad of reasons. It seems to me, this man’s family sees him as the only son who has decent life, so he’s the fall guy to take out the trash, which is his father. If he thinks for one second his girlfriend is going to pursue a life with him, which I’m assuming is marriage and/or children, with a known pedophile, he will lose… everything. The nerve of his father to call on him after the life he’s put his family through is pathological.

[@AmberLovesMystery]

I feel this caller in my soul and I can’t stop weeping during this call I’m so so sorry your dad is also a monster

[@mariamachuca3993]

My dad is like this and I too have to think about this. And I don't think you should. He did what he did and he never showed you love and he never took accountability. You have no responsibility to take care of someone who never took care of you nor loved you. He did this to himself. You deserve to live YOUR life. You have this ONE LIFE. 💙

[@LotsofLisa]

As a vet, I known so many soldiers through the years who joined just to get away from their family. I think this man did and it was a great decision.

[@marysaltlife1427]

I'm just curious who did raise and financially support him to adulthood then? He can honor/care for him for that if nothing else. Honor thy parents.

[@SpaQueenRocks]

​@@marysaltlife1427 No. If people have children, it's their job to raise them and provide. They're innocent and they don't owe a debt, for something completely out of their control...being born. They're not free labor.

[@ladyblue4180]

@@marysaltlife1427 as a parent isn’t it your responsibility to provide your child with basic needs? As someone who’s father has done the same thing the burden of shame that is carried is unimaginable. I hope you never ever experienced it. Now once you do let it go, you have to protect yourself by creating distance and setting boundaries. I can honor my father from afar and live my life happily. Also remember the full verse to “honor thy parents”. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:4‬

[@maryansel932]

@@marysaltlife1427 Baloney! When you produce a child, you are obligated to raise that child. No hurrah for that...animals do it as a matter of biology. You do not need to honor abuse.

[@CorporateQueen]

Omg this poor young man, waiting to start his life...and trying to see the humanity in his sick father.

[@aliciaohara8794]

As Dave Ramsay says, "No" is a complete sentence! Help connect your father with services but nothing more. If you want a future with this woman that involves children- you'll never be able to have your Dad around (legally and morally).

[@oldbuzzard8536]

I would not want him around!! Wouldn't open the door.

[@Texaslife98]

Exactly, if the son needed help I doubt the dad would ever do anything to help.

[@MM-yz7fz]

Parents shouldn't assume their kids will take care of them.

[@mz8194]

Why not, if you get along well? It is a natural thing.

[@impactfully5714]

Exactly! I tell my kids that all the time. I have no expectations and will never be offended.

[@fidajeba3597]

​@@impactfully5714 but you took care if them , didn't you ?

[@amde8554]

Disagree

[@elettramia6380]

@@amde8554ok let’s rephrase that, p3dophile parents shouldn’t assume their kids will take care of them

[@diane4488]

My mother caused me so much grief, her whole life, and I felt it was my job to help her, and fix things for her. She had no real empathy. When I was really struggling, and feeling suicidal, she just laughed, and seemed pleased. I was 48yrs old, and decided I'd had enough. Done enough. Her consequences were hers to manage. She was very ill a couple of years later and family members called me, to see if I would jump in, and take care of her. I did not. She'd burnt too many bridges with me, and I was no longer available. She died shortly afterwards, and I had no guilt. I arranged her a lovely funeral as I thought her life should still be acknowledged, and celebrated. But I was no longer willing to suffer, and be abused, so she could ignore reality, and dump all her responsibilities onto me. I often send her love, through universe, but I don't miss her.

[@beer1403]

U have a tragic family. I wish for one more hour with my parents but really want a lifetime. I miss them terribly.

[@m.leewebster79]

My life was similar with my mother. I wish I had discovered Dave Ramsey and Dr John years ago. That's lost time I can't ever recover...along with some self esteem. I'm free.

[@firecracker8071]

I have been in a very similar situation but I am actively caring for my mom now and I cry my self to sleep every night

[@thejojojo1111]

She sounds like someone my mother is like.

[@alwaysyouramanda]

Congratulations on the strength. I know it wasn’t easy. 😢 You suffered enough.

[@roflpill]

I hope he tells his future wife about this. It'll help her make sense of things and support him with this pain. It might also help to alleviate some of that shame, since he won't be keeping his dad's secret. He sounds like a good man and I hope he finds peace. A lot of us have people like this in our family (often unregistered), or have been personally affected in some way. It's a reflection of them, not you.

[@Kathy-qu8zj]

ABSOLUTELY.. she will understand..

[@LotsofLisa]

I think he has an obligation to tell her. He would be setting his self up for a catastrophe if he doesn’t.

[@LisetteThibodeaux]

This caller is a good man, I hope he can find peace

[@JustBree716]

The most i would do is connect him with services so that someone else can do it. And check in every now and then

[@cleliaparnell8743]

Good advice. 😊

[@lilblackfish2009]

good middle ground

[@teenyverse7707]

I wouldn't check in...but, you're kinder than myself.

[@neisci]

@@JustBree716 I wouldn't check in either but that's between him and his conscience.

[@peterlee584]

Exactly. And maybe contribute economically from time to time.

[@AClark15]

Dr. John is exactly right! You do not owe him anything!!! Deal with what you need to and move on without guilt and shame. So very proud of you!!!

[@Pinkiiiiii9]

I am so glad you mentioned that he was just a child. My father abused my mother and one of the things that kept me stuck my whole life was i felt responsible for him. I felt like it was my job to protect my mom, to educate my parents to do better, to protect them from shame from society. It was eating me alive and ruined my health. The day i set myself free and unleashed all of my rage and pain was that i needed to admit i was just a child. My parents were supposed to protect me and care for me, NOT the other way around. I was the child! Why in the WORLD would it be my responsibility to protect my GROWN ADULT PARENTS? How would I know any better AS A CHILD? I was able to forgive myself: the most important person in the equation. And up until that point in my life, I was the last person I was thinking about. Thank you Dr. Deloney, I know that was probably the most healing thing he has ever heard regarding this situation.

[@showusjustice523]

Yep, it's absolute hell growing up in that kind of situation. It's really hard to let go of all of that rage.

[@barefooterin2817]

My heart is breaking for this sweet man who articulates himself so well regarding such a difficult aspect of his life.

[@fortyseventhronin]

Oh man, this call was for me. I can't tell you how envious and insane it makes me feel when my own counselor looks at me with a bewildered expression because I told her honestly that I have no motivation to go visit my demented mother in a nursing home

[@Eliza-beth-ytb]

Sounds like you need a more compassionate counselor!

[@susanatkinson3978]

Yes please get a new counselor. There are good ones who get it. You DO NOT owe your abuser anything!!! Take care if yourself❤

[@stacieharris]

Sir, let your girlfriend know by letting her watch this video. Change your last name. If you are a junior, then change your first and last name to help you mentally disconnect from him. Don't ever let him live with you, because then your address will become his address and you dont want your address on the list. Since you are active duty, see if you can move to another country until he expires

[@oldbuzzard8536]

Great idea!! Far far away!!

[@obietravels652]

I love the analogy of building a new family tree, a strong one. And that his great great grandchildren will bask in the shade of the tree that he builds. this gives the young man tremendous perspective that he is not doing this for himself alone, but for generations to come. Once he has children of his own, I believe his resolve to heal this generational trauma will only strengthen. Outstanding piece of wisdom.

[@ingridlockey6379]

Sean, walk away with a clean conscience. Pray for your father from afar. I wish you all the best that life has to offer ❤.

[@kele.w]

Better yet, if you want to pray, pray for the people your father hurt. That man can sort himself out.

[@pdxpickit2586]

I grew up in a dangerous home. I never spoke of what happened to anyone ever. Over the years through prayer, reading counseling information and getting counseling I have healed so very much. I even confronted my abusers. My life has changed for the best. But I still could not speak of my past. Then I told my husband and he was so kind and understanding. Eventually I could speak of my past when appropriate. It has really helped set me free. I no longer carry the shame or guilt of my family's awful behavior. Blessings on your journey of healing and recovery. Remember you are a survivor - their behavior is not who you are today. ❤ Be patient with yourself. ❤

[@blippacg]

Jordan Peterson says we’re not obligated to maintain toxic and dysfunctional relationships. Seems applicable to the caller’s relationship with his dad.

[@deadshot8077]

*obliged

[@blippacg]

@ Obligated is legal or moral duty or responsibility. I think my use of obligated is good. Obliged is a feeling of gratitude or indebtedness. Both work but family connections or relations are more than basic gratitude.

[@tacocat510]

​@@blippacgyou don't have to explain yourself to that jerk. Screw them and "there" opinion on what word to use...

[@tacocat510]

And yes the "there" is trolling them to see if they "correct" me as well...

[@deadshot8077]

@@blippacg you are illiterate. Look that up. Oh wait…

[@Westernkoala]

Yes there's definitely a difference when someone humbles themselves and apologizes from the depth of their soul... And someone who doesn't.

[@arlenesmith7883]

Amen! Well said! Anyone can say -I’m Sorry, it’s just air! Said and now the weight is off me and on you to make things better for me !! My MIL was a narcissist and I had decades of seeing and hearing her -problems- with me and other people! Narcissist are amazing people…..get as far away as possible!

[@Frankienebula007]

This is why we need men in the therapy field. This caller saw John as someone his father refused to be. That’s why John’s words hit harder. The caller needed a man, who is a father, to tell him it’s not his fault and this isn’t his cross to carry. Caller, you’re stopping generations of trauma. I pray you get the support you need on this journey. You got this.

[@pamelastoesz733]

He needs to hear that he is not obligated to help his dad. So many of us feel that obligation and intense shame if we fail to fulfill that obligation. He needs to hear there is no obligation.

[@colleenmccann1190]

Interesting tact on this one John, my answer would have been - I don't care who you are in my family NO child predator will ever be within the sphere of my (current/future)children/spouse, I don't care how sick injured or disabled they are. Will not happen, end of story, conversation done.

[@oldbuzzard8536]

Exactly!! If this son even cracks the door open to this selfish predator...he will be used up all over again and totally ruin what he has built up with his girlfriend/life.

[@whistlinfreedom]

^^this^^

[@sondraarrache1908]

Exactly. Even if the body is failing, he can say toxic and sick things. Stay away from children. Period.

[@kitkat7612]

That’s smart and well within reason, but this situation had more complex layers to it, due to the relationship. This poor guy needed to be released from years of shame and guilt, and the sense of obligation first. As a son or daughter, that’s a very heavy weight to carry, and it’s the lens through which you view everything else. Dr John did good helping him understand that.

[@EJaj1623]

You don’t owe this man anything. Tell him that and stand your ground. He made his choices, now he has to live with them. And make peace with your self.

[@ruby8412]

It must be so hard to be in this situation because your natural feeling towards your parents is to love them. But if this man is in your life it is only going to bring you pain. I'm sure you don't deserve that. You deserve a good life.

[@standground8284]

*John, you knocked this one out of the park!* I needed to hear this, it'll help me speak with a friend who's carrying a similar burden.

[@tesskelly6647]

I can FEEL the pain in your voice, Sean. I promise that you're not alone. Find other safe people to keep talking about the grief of it all. And everything John said. All the hugs and love. You're a WONDERFUL, wise, strong person and man! Keep going!

[@nygreek743]

Put him in a home for the elderly. I say this with the mindset that I went through for dealing with an abusive father who ended up needing my help and his life was literally in my hands as his caretaker until he died naturally. He was a hardworking man but he had some very disgusting early dementia in combination with other things and he often stalked my mom's friends and they told her about it. She approached him about it and they eventually separated. I totally feel empathy and sympathy for this guy,

[@ILoveGod1988]

Καλησπερα. Ελληνας; Σε κατανοω και ευχομαι να βρειτε την ψυχικη γαληνη που σας χρειαζεται. Καλα Χριστουγεννα. Δημητρα απο Ελλαδα. ☦

[@nygreek743]

@@ILoveGod1988 Euxaristw!

[@ILoveGod1988]

@@nygreek743 Ευλογημένα Χριστούγεννα. Ειθε το Αστρο τηε Βηθλεεμ να σας φωτίζει!

[@janette499]

Thank you so much for this episode and the people in the comments going through the same thing. My father is also like this and it’s just nice to feel understood. It’s a heavy burden and I needed this reminder to drop it, so thank you all ❤

[@lorireed8046]

I'm dealing with this as my father is being laid down to rest today . Everyone else has ignored me and kept me out as they uplift him and the toxic people around .

[@minnamcmillan2699]

@@lorireed8046 Stay strong ,you are not alone

[@hishersthetruthpodcast]

As a dad, I am not entitled to my son’s love and time. I have to earn it and I have to show them every day because I brought them into this world. They will have to earn it as well at a certain age. Everything in life is merit based.

[@lorireed8046]

Funny enough you sound like a young parent and haven't dealt with "30 year old" KIDS . JUST WAIT

[@mewgiah8057]

Some people find Delonys suggestion of carrying rocks to be silly. But the body sometimes needs a physical manifestation of the emotional behavior they are dealing with. The metaphorical setting down the burdens of others is something other cultures do around the world. It works for a reason.

[@greyferguson9319]

In the movie, Forrest Gump, when Jenny was throwing rocks at her old house ( her dad was nasty)....Forrest said, "sometimes there ain't enough rocks". That's true!

[@ladyblue4180]

Unfortunately I can relate, my father is the same. The first sentence Dr. John said took me years to fully grasp. The shame is my fathers to carry not mine.

[@hushhush85]

Maybe you heard from Gisèle Pelicot: shame must change sides! I really feel for you. I would feel the same. But they are the culprits. Much love

[@ladyblue4180]

@ Thank you

[@minnamcmillan2699]

@@ladyblue4180 Continue to fight the good fight,You got this!! Much love

[@charlottet42]

A grateful listener from Scotland here 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿. Also weeping through this, along with others as it resonates so deeply with my situation. I've chosen to forgive and love from a distance, and been decidedly estranged for years, but the ongoing pull of grief and obligation is real. Doesn't help his own family are indifferent to his past actions and behaviour, and can't seem to understand why his adult children have kept their distance. Consequences have actions and if there's no accountability or genuine remorse, where's the trust? Sean, you owe it to yourself to let go of the shame that was never yours. Do what is right for you and talk to people you trust. His life and actions are not your burden to carry. Thank you Dr John for your raw compassion, wisdom and reminding us that 'behaviour is a language.'

[@jennifert2953]

You sound like such a great guy. You are a man of integrity. I believe you are going to be a great dad someday.

[@XorgeG]

I know the advice was for him but I Really needed to hear that also . Thanks Dr. John.

[@hushhush85]

Wishing you all the best

[@meganbaird0609]

I feel for you my friend. Just buried my Dad who was a s@x addict. He burned down so many lives. I made some peace with him in the end and let him know how badly he had damaged me. He didn't really get it, but I said what I needed to and now that he is gone, there is a sad finality to it but a tremendous amount of relief because I don't have to worry about what he is going to blow up next. You will get through this but don't take his stuff on! Grieve it, feel it, and then leave it. Hard to do but it is the only way to heal. Blessing to you.❤

[@BeastlyChowder]

Wow what a wonderful young man this guy is. Sensitive, loving, full of honor. I hope life goes well for him and I hope he finds the strength to stay away from his father.

[@valaries.5944]

John, thank you for telling this young man how to let himself off the hook. For the sins of his father. Yes, a lot of work is ahead. He just took the first big step. Bless you.

[@LoneStarReader]

Sean - I am so proud of you for taking this opportunity to share your story and beginning the process of healing. Wishing you the very best in the future.

[@EM-cp5ht]

Dr. John is irreplaceable. His insight is impressive..

[@KP-us5pq]

I feel this man pain. My father is the same and it really hurts to feel such shame about your own Dad. Dr John you just helped so many people!

[@christopherjacoby4089]

This makes me want to call my dad and thank him for everything.

[@barefooterin2817]

You'll thank him when it's time to take care of him 😉 It makes me uncomfortable when my dad thanks me for taking care of him. I say, "Dad! You have always taken care of me... and my son. This is just what we do. You taught me that we take care of each other.... you're just tripping reaping what you're sewed."

[@travisjames7300]

Don’t feel bad and stay very far away from your dad 🙏 protect your new beautiful life 🎊 be free and heal

[@JDoesThingsAndStuff]

I wish I could hug this guy! Our hearts are with you, man!

[@princessl.d.g.]

This story reminds me of my father, minus being a predator-of which I am aware. He abandoned me when I was a kid and recently tried to get in contact with me this year. (I am 25 years old now.) He caused me so much emotional trauma that I'm still working myself through. If he got sick, I wouldn't tend to him.

[@oldbuzzard8536]

All men at a certain age start looking for a "nurse and a purse" to take care of them. They don't care about you at all. Remember that!!

[@amberrose1108]

Please agree to meet him and let him talk and apologize to you. He might have really changed, now that he's older, and wants to make things right. Give it a chance.

[@user-yk9sk7pg6v]

@@amberrose1108 ... absolutely not. dad made his choices and now he can rot.

[@lcolon5606]

@@amberrose1108 Disagree.

[@mirabella2154]

​@@amberrose1108 You must be Out of your mind. Now that he needs her, he shows up, but when she needed him the most he discarded her. It's a strong "No."

[@poppycalliope6793]

Doctor, your approach to this poor man's predicament is truly impressive. Your insight is through the roof!! The wisdom you offered this man is invaluable. Bless you, and God bless the young man.

[@dudewhathappenedtomycountr9099]

Straight A's can be a trauma response, too. Your need for control and for perfection and for medals and external validation won't fill that gap you have in the center of your chest. This hit me hard.

[@IFBBProYeo]

Dad sounds entitled. Consequences last for years. This is not worth your sacrifice. AT ALL. He has not earned anything from you. He didn't care about himself, and you cant watch him ignore medical advice for another 5-7 years. He'll force you to do it for him, and he may ask for help from your gf to, who he will objectify without a doubt (i called it before hearing the full episode.) He is never EVER going to change. He wants one more chance to exert his will. He is not a good man. But you are. You can move past him. When he realizes his power over you is gone, reality will hit him, and you will be free.

[@Rue-oh]

I just stumbled across this, and as a woman, it is so nice to see men creating actual heathy safe spaces for themselves like this where they encourage each other to open up and listen to each other. This is great !

[@sarahcouture24]

Oh I like the cinderblock throw down process! Somatically experiencing the weight release of putting those things down physically, and letting go of the heaviness of his dads sins. Wonderful idea!

[@TheEMC99]

This is my husband's story. His father died a 2 year long, painful death from a cancer.... in a nursing home. He never apologized to his victim (my SIL; his step daughter).

[@jessicaadams2914]

I'm an very proud of this man. Without any disrespect to his wife and family, I want to give this man a huge hug of support😢

[@ValerieKayeRoberts]

Well said...that part....yep me too. That pain is deep...

[@themessesIallow]

Be free from him no way do not take care of him. And do not feel bad about not taking care of him. Much love ❤

[@Eva-hf7ee]

always put yourself first. being a carer is an extremely difficult job that takes up 100% of your life. especially caring for someone who has never cared for you.

[@maryjobacon234]

My mom never apologized or got help for her alcoholism even after our intervention 40 years ago. She died four years ago still wondering why some of the family doesn't visit her. She got very limited visits from me and my family. One brother completely left the family. It is okay to parent yourself. You can be a loving person even if your parents didn't know how. People can change. No one is destined to be like their birth family.

[@malgrosskreuz01]

Strength and love to Sean

[@reneeantwi-boasiako3974]

Strength to Sean 🙏🏿❤️

[@apex-p3h]

HAPPY 1MILLION SUBSCRIBERS! 2:30 EST December 22 2024

[@dorriethomas6930]

John's insight and training is honorable (I hold above others, even mine). I want to state this first. From solid experience as a child (now I have grands near your age), one more bit of counsel. This is how to honor a parent: Continue raising their child healthier in mind, body, spirit than they are. Ask your mom. You honor her as you grow stronger and wiser than she struggles to be. You sooth her heart, and offer an example of hope to your brother. Even so, for their and your honor, never endanger yourself and your future family.

[@donnamantellato4094]

How wonderful. You not only helped this one man but many others out there. Doing Gods work there Dr john. What a wonderful show.

[@debbiefloresaz5015]

You have no obligation to take care of him!. Don’t do it! Go get therapy to help you through this

[@DeirdreMFox]

Ah sending out big hugs to this guy, he is a Warrior of the Light, breaking ancestry curses and karma.

[@l3zfrancais]

I wouldn’t do it. Let him figure it out.

[@Cucumberflavoredmustard]

He forfeited any emotional or familial "contracts" he may have had when he decided to harm others for his own gratification. The trust is gone, and that is the foundation of everything else.

[@Tim85-y2q]

I honestly think John helped this guy just by being there to listen. You can tell he needed to say some of this stuff out loud.

[@hellokittydoll2794]

What a kind and deeply loving and caring man to even call in about something like this. I hope he finds the peace and healing he needs in order to build the life he always deserved. This man genuinely gives me hope for other men to be and do better.

[@halothreekiller]

Oh man at first I thought it was going to be some guy that was selfish and didn’t want to help his dad out. After hearing even a little bit about his dad I’d say just move on and live your life.

[@AaronD313]

Guy made a mistake before this kid even existed

[@ValerieKayeRoberts]

6:22...ohhhhh wow. This hit my soul. Praise God.... I am not crazy and I am not alone.😢

[@simonameme4304]

I would reach and try to talk to the big brother. It seems like he needed that connection growing up, but my gut feeling tells me that his sperm donor did something to his brother, so he destroyed that too. Also, he needs an open discution with his mother about why she made the choices she did.

[@JanSilloway]

Thank you so much Dr. John. This is exactly what this young man needed to hear.

[@Johnnyboy19955]

I hope dr John knows, how insanely important he is in the world, and I know he likes joking about “if the show last” but it’s like water or oxygen for these people, we need this to continue, so we can have a few million better choices from people

[@jenniferh189]

this man is so sincere and I am glad her called Dr John !

[@pammops8668]

Good for you not wanting to serve evil!

[@AaronD313]

Actions are evil not ppl. We’re all gods children

[@RJWhyte1954]

@@AaronD313 some people are definitely evil.

[@AaronD313]

@@RJWhyte1954 casting judgement on others is evil

[@Attabasca]

"What I can control is who I tell." Ooof, that one landed on me hard. As someone who comes up from a messed-up family, I felt that in my bones. I can't say I can relate to having a sex offender in the family, but I get having family shame. It is a heavy burden to carry.

[@Burmeseti]

We have to do what is right for our conscience. Everyone's conscience is different. I grew up with a mother that was bipolar, mentally ill, but highly intelligent which she used for manipulation. When she got stage 4 colon cancer, my dad reached out to me. As horrible as she was to me, my conscience wouldn't let me walk away. And even after helping her through her final years and now 5 years past her death, I feel I should have done more. So get to know yourself and what will give you peace. Not all of us can be as cold no matter how much we may wish to be.

[@chelseainman4285]

THIS. Peace is for you- the actions he takes should be centered around what will help him love his best life when he’s gone.

[@5679791]

I think part of the advise is true. But your message shows how much your mind was twisted by your mother that you feel fad for not being a good enough caring child. I think it's not because you are cold or not. This is about learning to put a front to people that hurt you and not letting them in. I'm surprised your father called you to ask for help knowing very well what she did to you. It's hard to know that he stayed there and let you suffer. I'm so sorry that no adult in your life protected you. Now it's the callers turn to protect himself.

[@carriesing]

Your mom was not a sex offender. That changes everything

[@Flash3-22]

@@carriesing Exactly what I was going to comment.

[@24ShrekIsLife24]

I am taking care of my terminally ill father. He is an addict, and I find our past relationship challenging - there are days when I want to throw in the towel. I feel the same as you, I can’t write him off - it’s not who I am, and I know what I can/cannot live with. The caller’s dad being an offender makes it more challenging. I can’t even wrap my mind around that one… there is a limit for everyone, and that is definitely my limit.

[@nancilane5069]

John Delony you DID hit this out of park with this young man. Thank you so much for what you spoke to him about. 💗

[@baby16gurl9]

Although my father is not a sec offender, I no longer want to take care of my ailing father. He Was very abusive mentally and physically. Mentally until I moved out without him knowing until I was 29. That was 9 years ago. I didn’t talk to him for a lot of years. I have two little babies now and he calls me no -stop. If I don’t answer, he calls my husband until he answers. My brother takes care of him. My father has, dementia, kidney disease ( on dialysis), Parkinson’s, and heart failure. I want nothing to do with him but every once in awhile, that guilt Overwhelms me, but I try to remember all the words and physical abuse he’s brought upon me that I have chosen to forget. May this man live the freedom that I have lived.

[@FriedaTheFowl]

You don't have to feel guilty about saying NO. We take care of our 89 year old grandmother (Parkinson's) in our home, it's not easy even without her being a predator. If he's an offender, you will have to worry about him being around your future wife and children. Hard pass. Tell him NO. He isn't your responsibility 🤍🤍

[@AaronD313]

What would he have to worry about from a 90 yo man. That’s his father have a heart

[@AotearoaAnge]

@@AaronD313 it doesn’t matter. His father has done despicable things that he has never taken responsibility for. He is under no obligation to take care of his sex offender father, end of.

[@deadshot8077]

@@AaronD313 inappropriate behaviour can be done at that age, even if it’s just comments or dirty looks. The caller even said he still gives women creepy looks. This aging pdf file has no right to expect anything from him.

[@LotsofLisa]

@@AaronD313 he’s destroyed his own family, he’s destroyed the lives of the children he hurt, he deserves nothing from anyone.

[@yhiontop]

Tell that to the many lives he destroyed with his actions. ​@@AaronD313

[@eshadiva6600]

This was so inspirational. I know how this guy feels. My dad tries to defend R Kelly smh it actually disgusts me. I have no one as both parents and both siblings are nuts. Its just me and my nephew now. It is really lonely with no family. My heart aches for this guy.

[@isobelb5750]

[@wenchyfoodwench4098]

Nope. You have no obligation to him. Block him. Social services can figure it out. Hopefully caller doesn’t live in a state that has filial obligation laws.

[@lorrieholsten2521]

Also I just ordered your book. Build a non anxious life. I stopped drinking caffeine. Started meditating. And started doing pilates. I'm getting ready to schedule an appointment at a spa. My staff went in together to get me a gift certificate for Christmas. It was the only thing om my list that they did not even know about. 😊

[@LibraryLizard]

My dad was also a sex offender (pedophile). I moved him into my house for the last few years of his life, including at-home hospice, until he died at home. It was hard, but I do not regret it AT ALL and it was really such a blessing to get the opportunity to truly forgive him and treat him with love and kindness when he was helpless. BUT…my situation was completely different from the caller’s as I live alone, no kids, no significant other and I am retired, not in the building phase of life. One thing is certain, you cannot EVER bring a pedo into your house if there will ever be kids present, regardless if the person is a parent, grandparent, etc. Kids come first.

[@CrystalM1917]

Eww. Thats disgusting.

[@Llamacoints]

I could never forgive someone who abuses children personally. You’re kinder than me

[@LibraryLizard]

@@Llamacoints It’s not me or due to me. It’s Christ who lives within me after I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. Before I knew Jesus, I’m sure I would’ve abandoned him.

[@LibraryLizard]

@ Forgiveness? If you truly believe that, my heart goes out to you.

[@PolinaLee94]

I am sorry, but I do not support you. Your house might not have kids, but what about your neighbors? Why was he not in jail? Why was he not under constant surveillance? Why would you spend ANY resources to help him? He is your dad, i understand you felt pressure to help him. However, I can not agree with you.

[@judithgottlieb2605]

I am so happy that you, Dr Delony, let this young man respond to your advice. Sometimes I am uncertain how your callers feel about what you have advised. Perhaps it is just because the call has to be shortened because of time. Thanks for what you do!

[@shannongarrety6105]

This caller deserves an award for being a great guy