i got rejected from my dream school.

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tears were definitely shed.
when i got the email - 0:00
catharine mackinnon - 1:19
checking the admissions portal - 3:37
the aftermath - 5:19
the debrief - 6:03
shame - 6:47
ex post regret - 10:31
embarrassment - 12:43
my safety blanket - 14:18
@psychiatristmom reference: www.tiktok.com...
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❓ F A Q s ❓
how old are you? 30 ('91 baby)
which schools did you go to? yale (undergrad) and harvard (law school)
what did you major in? economics
what was your gpa and lsat score? 3.86/176
what sign/MBTI/enneagram are you? aries, ENFJ, 3w4
are you sure you're not a virgo? no part of my star chart is virgo or an earth sign, i swear

[@skunkworks4284]

there is something very cathartic about seeing this over-achieving "that girl" fail and make a video where she edits sad music over herself not getting into a phd program. true schadenfreude

[@Hyeyeon952]

i just had to google the words to fully understand your sentence

[@jiahamilton5474]

Thank you for teaching me some new words today 😅😅😅

[@annafernandez6674]

ooOOF and cece pinned it. gotta love her sense of humour

[@lnh1147]

@@Hyeyeon952 same lmao .

[@ChasRiaStJohn]

@@annafernandez6674 ikr, but she didn’t respond… so I dk how she might have taken it

[@zacwilkins4344]

I got into PhD programs at Stanford and Yale. I joined Stanford and was extremely miserable and dropped out after a year. I ended up having to admit to myself that I was really just doing a PhD for the name recognition and prestige associated with the name "PhD" and the name "Stanford". The tenure track is absolutely horrible and soul-crushing, and the job prospects are paltry. Instead, I took a completely non-academic path (into tech) and am so much happier for it. It's been 7 years and I haven't regretted my decision of moving away from academia for good on even 1 day of those 7 years. It wasn't easy for me at first, but I've slowly come to terms with the fact that I'm not the kind of person who can follow a linear career path. But the cool thing is that successful careers of people we admire were almost all nonlinear. Success doesn't actually seem to be built from a series of degrees and/or jobs that "just made sense in succession". Btw, PhDs take way longer, are way harder and offer way fewer and less diverse opportunities than writing a book. Write your book, fuck a PhD! Your book idea sounds really interesting, I'd buy it (and then people would see it on my shelf, then find your KZbin channel, then tell a friend about you, etc.)

[@Self-Duality]

This takes serious self-awareness and willpower - thanks for sharing man. I appreciate your story.

[@AdventuresWithNickle]

Awesome perspective! I hope she sees this.

[@Reggieboo25]

This comment is top tier. Thank you for sharing !

[@oshinofalakoju5749]

I love your perspective so much!!! Thank you for commenting.

[@suzeac404]

"Write your book, fuck a Phd!" Hell yes! Academia is so overrated...

[@scarletwong3609]

As a law student here, just want to say we look up to you regardless of the result. We love you and thank you for sharing with us your journey. You have helped A LOT of people!

[@oliverlikescheetos]

Many of us look up to you! You make a lot of great points: “I have to remind myself, just because something is available, just because something is hard, something is an achievement, it does not mean that you want it, and it does not mean that it is right for you.” I am sure many can relate to this!!

[@liquid8714]

You teach at Yale and didn’t get in? They must not want to give a faculty discount. What does it say about an institution that a person seemingly qualified to teach there wouldn’t get accepted into their own PhD program?

[@liquid8714]

Thanks for posting about your journey. It must have NOT been easy to share your rejection when you yourself are grappling with it. Kudos to your bravery, I feel your social media outreach is probably MUCH more impactful and modern than a stuffy Yale PhD. Keep up the hard work, I’m rooting for you!!

[@heatherstecher7322]

I guess I don’t understand how this works because this is super bizarre to me, too.

[@xxxxling90]

Out of curiosity I actually get on yales website and for law PhD they pretty much only accepts one student each year

[@andreasophia7764]

She teaches at Yale, worked in big law, etc... and didn't get in? There is no hope for any one of us

[@xxxxling90]

@@andreasophia7764 To be fair, to prepare for my PhD training, I started doing research in undergrad, and had been doing research since then (10+ years, 5 years full time). I am also in the applied field (social work & public health) and did thousands of practice time. I had faculty said during interview 'you are exactly the type of trainee we wanted' and got rejected (the faculty then reached back and offered a research job). They accepted someone with similar interests who are already an associate clinical professor teaching in that university for years (they also accepted people without publications or teaching experiences, it depends on the fit of the candidate as well'. Acknowledging that law PhD is very different, PhD is a lifetime commitment, it is very competitive, and it requires a lot of luck (e.g. if that associate professor did not apply that cycle, I might get in). And this is Yale we are talking about. She had amazing experience, background, personality, but she did apply sort of last minute and only to one program.

[@shiotoshoyu]

Thank you for pointing out how people tend to associate failure as a waste of time, that mentality really is very toxic and it stops us from learning from our mistakes and give up before we really can become a master at something. The way you faced your failure and really took time to reflect and learn from it is actually very inspiring! Thank you for sharing such a difficult experience I really learned a lot from you!

[@ilgjbfs]

girl, that program must be literally impossible to get into if even you didn’t get in. thank you for sharing, and wishing you all the best on this journey sans safety blanket 💕

[@CeceXie]

SANS SAFETY BLANKET CLUB

[@clairelolification]

so true!!

[@JamesJoyce12]

literally impossible - seriously?

[@avneet2.0]

It sucks when everyone believes in you even more than you, yourself. Sitting with your emotions is so sooo important. Just know that this one decision doesn't define you. All the best for your future, keep on working hard! :)

[@etagged]

Pretty sure people believe in you because the opposite would be socially unacceptable in an overwhelmingly culty community like law. As long as it doesn’t hurt them, they have nothing to lose but to help you - no reason to feel like you let them down.

[@lindawang5649]

Thank you for posting something so personal and raw. I recently discovered your channel, and you’re such an inspiration. I can also relate so much as an Asian American, and this video reminds me to stay grounded, not to take rejections so personally, and that even someone as amazing as you has faced setbacks in life, but are still thriving.

[@user-yd4nk4lm6s]

Rejection is God's protection. I was rejected by a PhD project I really, really, really wanted to do but looking back now, I cannot believe that I wanted to follow such a path. I'm now in industry and making more than I ever could have in academia. It can be a blessing in disguise! God bless.

[@judeayo1806]

why are we always bringing God into situations like this....it could be Gods protection like you said but it could also be Satans work....right? Lets not bring God into this

[@iAmMadeOfSoup]

@@judeayo1806 you’re weird

[@MinhNguyen-ec5eu]

Hey Cece I was the one that tagged you in the tiktok video! So glad that it was helpful for you during this time. I know it’s easier said than done when shifting our mindset on overcoming rejection but I want to say how proud I am of you for embarking on this journey anyways and sharing it with all of us. 💕

[@CeceXie]

THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT!! i didn’t want to just out you on youtube but really really appreciate your tagging me in that ❤️ what a great mindset shift, and it really got me thinking-all the way into this reflection video :) thank you so much for your support!!

[@user-el4kh5vi8d]

Thank you so much for uploading this video. I am in the process of law school application. I got rejected by some reach schools, some target schools, and some safety schools... Rejections hurt so badly, which made me doubt myself. I could not imagine that an applicant like you also face the same issue. This is healing and inspiring.

[@CeceXie]

the hurt and self-doubt are so understandable. let yourself hurt, and then know that it’s not a reflection on you at all. you got this ❤️

[@jnnysn]

When I saw your video about quitting your job to do something risky, then finding out that you were applying for a PhD, something didn’t feel right there and I’m glad you’ve made that realisation too about the PhD being a safety blanket more than anything. Honestly, a tenure track sounds way more glamorous than it actually is. You don’t need a PhD to get your book written. Academia treats students and post docs like trash in most institutions. Whilst I don’t regret my PhD experience, I know for sure I only really applied for it and stuck to it for the safety blanket reason as well as the reputation, which are not great reasons at all. Four years on I am honestly so grateful I never decided to stick to the academic path.

[@lizs.6061]

I had the exact same thoughts as well - I think Yale also looked at the application and scratched their heads “why does CeCe want to come here and what would she gain from a PhD that she cant accomplish by other means ?”- anyone can write a book!

[@michiyoyu]

Girl, you can now use all your time to do amazing things that would actually impact real people’s life instead of trying to please your supervisors and gatekeepers of the ivory tower, and burn out. Going through a PhD program was my worst nightmare and I wish I didn’t do it at all.

[@redhearse2380]

I'm applying to law school right now and the rejections have been soul-crushing. Thank you for being so raw and real with us.

[@aalegalfocus]

It could be a silver lining. You are destined to better things than going to law school. Best wishes.

[@melanierosenberg6036]

Thank you for sharing. I recently went through a big failure and I had a really hard time coping as a high achieving individual. I think high achieving individuals struggle a lot when they haven’t felt failure or rejection early in life. This does not define your self worth. It is extremely competitive and it does not end your journey to change your path. You will figure out your next steps. Have faith in yourself. You are worthy and amazing!

[@pretearwarrior]

Thank you for showing this!! As a current law school applicant who has gotten rejected from a couple of schools, this reminded me that we’re still great people who have great futures despite the rejection

[@ozi-baby]

Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment. That was such a vulnerable moment, but it demonstrates how incredibly powerful you are especially in the legal world where there always is some kind of pretense that everything is ok (currently in law school and that is ALL I see). I’m sure that wherever you decide to go, you will certainly flourish with such pure and honest intentions 💗

[@axelghinea1512]

I was rejected from a PhD a few years ago. Turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I am very happy and find the idea of focusing entirely on one topic for many years to be daunting. Keep your head up!

[@kathleenhunt7613]

Cece, there's little to be learned from "winning" and "success" and everything to be learned when things don't go our way. Your video shows great reflection and self-awareness and this will hold you in good stead throughout your life. Keep forging ahead, listening to your intuition (not necessarily what your mind is telling you) and you will continue on an amazing and fruitful path. Looking forward to hearing more updates throughout your journey!

[@marincummings1431]

Relate to the ex post regret too much. Thank you for sharing your experience! So excited to see what’s next for you! 💗

[@jazminoconnor4481]

thanks so much for sharing this 💕 it honestly really helped me. I applied to dental schools this past year and all I’ve received are rejections. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for sure and it’s a lonely process. This made me feel like I’m not alone ❤️ you’ll get in when you’re supposed to. I believe in you!!

[@idonotmakevidsyet]

One of the things I've learned in my life is that I would never want to raise my kids the same way my asian parents did for me. Its degrading to be raised like that, I want to be a supportive parent all the way (if I become one).

[@ElleAlly5590]

Sending you the biggest love and hugs. I always believe that if the door you wanted doesn’t open, it just means that there will be a bigger door for you even if you might not know what it is now. You did your best and you know it!

[@tracihytower7203]

You're amazing - keep it totally real. I went through the same thing when I failed the bar exam. The range of emotions from shame to regret to embarrassment was a lot but recognizing it is half the battle.

[@uzairqhavi1262]

whatever the outcome is for the future we are here to support you…and I’ll be first in line to buy your book 😉

[@CeceXie]

THE BEST COMMENT 😭😭💖

[@nightnyungwe5945]

@@CeceXie Annette Gordon-Reed, a woman of color, did not go to Yale but has 16 book prizes to her name. Granted, she did get her J.D. from Harvard (and is currently a professor of history) but my post is to reinforce the statement that you made i.e. there can be many paths to attaining a particular objective. Can you write a book outside the academy? Of course. The advantage of academia (mostly if you are employed on the ladder at an R1) is that you have an income to support yourself as you research and write. Your ability to pay the bills also does not depend on book sales. So one could consider getting into other programs in the humanities but getting a tenure-track job at an R1 is extremely difficult so after getting that PhD, one may find oneself still contemplating life as an independent scholar... So what does this mean? Hopefully, you will find a way of earning an income e.g. online that gives you enough time to research and write your book. Also, you can consider paying alumni fees for your former school if it gives you access to library resources. That will be critical i.e. having access to all the books, journal databases etc that you need for your work. You would need to own and get comfortable with independent researcher as one of your titles. And when you need to meet with a prof., just email and call faculty you are interested in speaking to or consulting once you are ready to start working on your book. Best wishes. N.

[@beautyOBSESSEDkay]

Girl the bravery exhibited here! I have an adverse reaction to most kinds rejection, so I could not see myself being so transparent! This is amazing for someone like me to see because it shows that even if you’re qualified or overly qualified that does not guarantee that others will see or honor it. I am obsessed with your content and it seems like we may not have a lot in common but your calm energy (or I read your energy as calm) has been helpful during a period of mourning. Please continue to share your triumphs and pits with us (if you’re willing to) because your story is operating as chicken noodle soup to someone’s soul. 💜 Thank you so much.

[@desireesantos4250]

Sending you lots of love, Cece. I know you’ll find your path and I’m so excited to see what your journey will be like. Thanks for being an inspiration ❤️

[@katie-ej1ko]

hi cece, current high schooler here. i intend to become a lawyer. i think i’m a bit younger than your average viewer, but everything you mentioned on this craving for academic affirmation resonated with me. we need to detach from the idea that outcomes are ultimate descriptors of who we are as people - i am so excited to see where your passions take you. we all believe in you, but most importantly, you believe in yourself. you had to have in order to apply to that phd program! best of luck! :)

[@emilieduncan7917]

Really love that sentence there:" we need to detach outcomes from who we are as people" So well put!

[@Self-Duality]

This takes true bravery!!! I’m a little stunned by your honesty and composure - believe it or not, this video will truly support many many students - bless you! Sending you love 💖❤️‍🩹

[@angelaguo9703]

So articulate, strong, intelligent, and inspiring even in the face of "failure"/rejection. Thank you for sharing what you went through and being open and vulnerable

[@MariaMarmora]

Thank you for this video. I'm going through a similar situation as you currently, so seeing your videos are helping me out a lot. Of course I wish the best for you, but I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who faces rejection. Love your vids💜

[@Maureen-MO]

Thank you for being vulnerable through sharing your experiences top to bottom and wanting to explain it as well. This is something that will be a constant reminder to me as well that just bc I work so hard for something and want it so bad but don’t get it doesn’t mean that “my world is over.” I grew up like you and that’s how I learned to approach “failure” such as this. Bc in reality, we can look at sooooo much other options if we pivot and open our eyes to them. One door closed is another door opened. See this as a either an emphasis on what you trully want or a guide towards somewhere where you didnt think to look before or had a closed mind about or didn’t see before. It’s really a journey. A journey of growth and just that. Nothing is a failure about it. Love this and your videos!!!!

[@mutomboinprogress]

This video is gold. ❤️❤️ It even helped to put into words some of the feelings that I have had before and didn’t quite know how to articulate. And I think you are right where you need to be to bring the most positive impact to the world, as well as live out your passions, through your videos and your book. The sky remains your limit. All the best ❤️❤️

[@jennamarcus4283]

Girl, they are morons for rejecting you. Academia can be such a crapshoot sometimes. They have no idea what they just lost. Head up, cause better things are ahead💗 Down the line you may view this moment as a blessing in disguise! No matter what, you will do amazing things sis

[@jdoubleM_1019]

I’m a law student and rejection has been the saving grace to my journey. From jobs, to programs, to internships. But the yeses are just that much sweeter.

[@WanderThisWay]

I used to use school as a means to avoid the real world. I did undergrad and enjoyed how every semester my classes changed and there was a new challenge. After being in the same job post-grad for two years, I was bored, and went back to school to get my master's degree. I then did another two years of work. Last year I started to get bored and unmotivated again, and started looking into law school. I took the LSAT and started applications, then got real with myself that I was using academia to avoid my unhappiness with my work. Instead of law school, I changed industries and found a new job that I do enjoy. I think for me, I feel like I always need to be accomplishing something, and spending more than a few years doing the same thing felt like failure to me. I'm always looking for the next challenge.

[@Love2shop117]

CeCe I am so glad that you posted this video, even though this is not the final result you expected. It was so refreshing to me to hear someone I look up to speak about failure and how it makes them feel. I am also an anxious person and have a lot of deep rooted emotions when it comes to hearing I wasn't accepted (school, work, etc.). Thank you for being you and I can't wait to see more videos.

[@reecehuff8030]

This is so important! Failures are still experiences that make us who we are! This is something that has been so hard for me to contend with as I’ve watched my dreams and future transform (much to my discontentment), but the time we put into things matter, even if we don’t end up achieving what we hoped at first. Thank you for always being so vulnerable with your following. You’re absolutely an inspiration!

[@gracewarren1268]

This is exactly how I felt going through the law school admissions process and it’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in those feelings. Your comment on social media and feeling like nobody else gets rejected is such a huge problem for me as well. Thank you so much for sharing this experience and being so real about it! Good luck on what you have planned next, I am so excited to continue to watch you grow on your journey!!! 💖💖

[@OfTheDevilToRemember]

New sub here! Obviously sending my sympathies for this. But girl wow. You could be a THERAPIST! The way you self-reflected on your emotions was spectacular, and I really think you could help people in that way. Some of the things you said were straight out of my therapist’s mouth!

[@Self-Duality]

Agreed… your emotional intelligence seems extremely high!

[@Mitsy1111]

I love how well you express yourself. I'm a doctor and have similarly always been high achieving at school, and have attributed so much of my self worth to achieving the next difficult task (new job, big exam etc etc). I have spent the last few months prepping to apply for this very competitive program, and really burnt myself out in the process but then didn't do well in the interview. The results are out next week, and I've been SO anxious. I really started to reflect on why I was feeling this way - yes it would be a shame if I didnt get it, but at the same time nothing disastrous would happen in terms of my life. It struck me that it really was a very deep fear of embarrassment if I didn't get in, and I really desperately don't want to disappoint my mentors, friends and family who are all rooting for me. But you are right, if my application gets rejected it would be just that, it would not mean I have failed as a person. Also a rejection would not nullify all the achievements I have gained in these few months, which I should be proud of regardless. I need to work on separating my personal and moral worth from career achievements. So thank you for the video, apologies for the rant! :)

[@shadea.3827]

Thanks so much for your transparency and vulnerability. I'm awaiting decisions on a few Masters' programs and the idea of reconciling with the possibility of failure (especially as an overachiever) has been difficult. It's really refreshing to see someone talk about the aftermath of these decisions in a way that positively reframes for our benefit.

[@mariannakalander5951]

thank you for speaking of your story & the struggles you face - i resonate with so much you talked about! you have been such an inspiration to me in my law school journey - can’t wait for your book

[@krised5194]

Im sooo glad you are sharing the real realities of applying to programs and figuring out your life! You are helping SO many people!!

[@XDWendyXP]

I'm not a law student but your thinking is so relatable! It's really helped me to reflect on myself too. Rooting for you Cece!

[@Jessxo13]

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings surrounding the “application being rejected”. I have a similar internal dialogue and tend to feel ashamed, disappointed in myself, and low self-worth when I don’t achieve something to the level I envisioned. I love that you go over every emotion and why. That you reframe these negative thoughts. It’s the advice I’ve always needed to hear.

[@GreenwithAnvy]

Thank you for sharing your raw emotions and experiences. This was very moving and inspiring for me to watch. 💚 I’m currently trying to finish my PhD but am in a rut and think about giving up every day. You made me remember how badly I wanted this in the beginning and how rejections are just a part of the process. Your small setback has led to inspiring many others, including myself, and your authenticity and transparency will reward you leaps and bounds without a doubt. Thank you again and take lots of care :)

[@_vsn]

hey cece- thanks for sharing how you reframe your thinking, and similar to many of the other people commenting on here, i can say that it's very helpful to watch you clearly articulate the process. Especially across videos i.e. application to now. Lastly, at the end of this video, when you say the safety blanket has been pulled away and you're facing the unknown; I think that's such a cool insight to reach (one that could easily be avoided by most people). i can only imagine the amount of courage it would take to acknowledge that. i feel weirdly/parasocially proud as a viewer haha

[@thelastmoonsoldier]

I relate so much to you. Before law school, I was rejected from PhD programs (and as a result went on to become a lawyer). I can laugh about it now but it was deeply painful at the time. I also come from a tiger parenting background which I am still trying to deal with. Don’t worry about shame and embarrassment. You’re being so brave to put this out there. And - life has a tendency of working out. I’m excited to see your next big adventure.

[@christianwilliams9017]

Thanks for sharing boo! This just means there is a different, better plan out there for you. Keep going - you got this!

[@CeceXie]

thank you, christian!! that means so much to me

[@venchi-3531]

Thankyou so I much for sharing this - I’m not a law student nor an academic but having been raised in an asian household in a western society, everything you said is so relatable. I’m at a stage where I too am looking for a career change and everything you have expressed are exactly thoughts I had avoided. So thank you for verbalising this - onwards and upwards to us all!

[@lowfreekey]

Thank you for sharing, it's brave of you to allow us insight into not only the highs but the lows of your journey. This video gave me courage as I am similarly applying to Law school in Edinburgh. Fear of rejection is a big factor and without your videos I don't think I'd be applying in the first place. So again, thank you and I'm sure your next adventure will prove to be the right one for you!

[@MoniqueCheema]

You needed this at this time. This will help you more than you will ever know, the most amount of growth comes from these set-backs. It will also help you become a more compassionate and self-aware

[@jessicak88]

Omg thank you for this video!!!!! It was so needed after a bunch of my applications for PhD programs were rejected.

[@kathleen_oneill]

Wow, what incredible insight/perspective!! Made me really think about/reframe my thoughts about my situation. Thanks for sharing ♥️

[@Moonchildren222]

You are going to be a great Catharine! Make your goals clear and go!

[@SimplyChrissy]

It’s alway good to take some time and self reflect after an unexpected outcome. This is just the beginning of a new chapter and there’s always something to look forward to. When one door closes - other doors u initially didn’t expect to open for you may eventually will. :)

[@sunnyga]

I could totally resonate the feeling of rejection. But looking backward, things might happen to serve our purpose, even it is a rejection that hurts. We may encounter something way much better down the road. Stay in faith and keep doing what you love. we will definitely achieve what we want, just at a slightly different pace.

[@is.3846]

Your honest view and analysis are next level and are teaching us something as life lessons. Despite your outstanding academic achievements and professional career, you show us you still want to preserve in other avenues for your research ideas. if there is a will, there is a way. You are an inspiration.

[@audreycreations]

Thanks so much for drawing the curtain back on the experience of rejection, which is all too often glossed over in the professional narratives we’re constantly force-fed. Emotion and professionalism shouldn’t be framed in opposition to one another and you’re helping to break that false dichotomy, which is so refreshing to see. You should be incredibly proud not only for navigating this process with such grit and determination but for blazing a new frontier for yourself and others online! I know you’ll continue to accomplish amazing things ♥️

[@christinakcover]

Thank you so much for this video, really impacted by your words and the way you identified and shared your emotions in such an honest way. I know without a doubt that much is ahead for you. Really with you and hear you on safety blankets and what it means to start a new chapter without one. Your content is making a big impact on the lives of so many!!!

[@sobrashy]

This meant a lot for me to see. I also did a 180 recently and I got rejected also. Watching your videos, I can see you have a bright future, new degree or not, and it makes me feel like I could too.

[@throughmyeyes-vickyzhou]

Thank you for being so genuine and sharing such an vulnerable but also inspiring moment, Cece. I learned so much from you and your videos. Also, you mentioned about writing a book, I CANNOT WAIT to read it one day!

[@user-dm1io2pr2m]

Just found your channel; current lawyer myself (and also relatively new to the practice). Really connected with your statement of how one can be "thinking everything that didn't work out was a 'waste of time.'" I think you can take the person out of the law but not the lawyer out of the person, so to speak. We who go into law tend to be the types who can commit to an overly-driven focus on certain competitive attainments (even if the long-term significance of them might be relatively insignificant to our core values). The fact that you recognize the core issue and put it so plainly tells me that you have many more opportunities that will continue to present themselves (and potentially make you much happier). Thanks for your candid self-reflection and the lessons the legal field, especially, can learn from it.

[@CeceXie]

great points all around! it’s how we can be great advocates even when we don’t necessarily agree with what we are advocating for. the hard part is definitely not letting our lawyer persona take over ourselves. thank you for this insightful comment!

[@KeriP1015]

I really appreciate you sharing your results. Rejection in any form can be so impactful and damaging to our spirits. I look forward to seeing what you do next!

[@Elminx2]

Everything happens for a reason ❤️ one door closes another one opens ☺️✨

[@heatherstecher7322]

Three years ago I didn’t match for a second year pharmacy residency and I still struggle with it. But I am confident neither of those two programs were a good fit at all. They just weren’t meant for me. My ego is still recovering because I put a lot of my self worth into my achievements, but my heart wasn’t in it and I’m glad it wasn’t where I ultimately ended up. You’re handling this with such grace. Thank you for sharing!

[@troithescholar]

Sending you so much love. You’re so amazing and you will find your path. This is no indication of how amazing and intelligent you are. Be gentle with yourself💕 I’m so glad you have such a supportive partner. This will hurt, but this will not be the end.

[@haleycox94]

You make some really great points. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing this with us

[@zwc11]

hey, just wanna say, I’ve just found your channel and I have to say I absolutely love your videos, they’re so skilfully edited to deliver their message, and they’re definitely inspiring, and have resonated with me so much as an applicant to competitive degrees in uni this year. speaking out about your feelings out loud, let alone putting it on internet is definitely not easy, but I really appreciate it. keep it up and all the best on your author journey!

[@cejanuary9378]

I'm sorry your application wasn't accepted--I was rejected from many programs when I applied, so I know how that feels (though I did get into what became my PhD program). Most people cast a wider net than just one program. I am almost certain you would have gotten into what you might consider a "lesser" school, say NYU or Cornell etc. If you do end up wanting to go the academic route at some point, you might consider trying to get over the internal elitism that you talk about here. PhD programs at non-ivy league schools still have a lot to offer, if you decide you want to pursue one. It just takes time and effort to find the right one and prepare your application materials since it is very competitive; my non-ivy school got 300+ applications and accepted just six the year I started. On the other hand, I think you are on the right track going your own way with your writing and working through your issues. There are VERY FEW academic positions available so you would have had to deal with these issues later anyways. You already have a terminal degree and you can be a scholar without being a PhD, and could even teach as a professor of the practice in other subjects if you gain some prominence. If you're teaching at Yale right now and you're also an alumna there (and at Harvard!) so you have access to an enviable amount of academic resources online. You can 100% do academic work and you have stellar credentials. I would suggest putting your ideas together in writing with a view towards publishing in in academic journals--this process will help you keep up with your academic contacts and you can show everyone that you didn't need the PhD program in the first place. You'll need a thick skin since you get rejections from journals, too, but why not start publishing in the journals you would be reading if you were in the PhD program? Nothing is stopping you! Even better--write a book on your subject that appeals to the general public and make money from it. Every poorly paid adjunct with a pointless PhD wishes they could do this but they have no time. You already know you can connect to a wider audience. There is scholarly life outside of academia! edit: I also love Catherine MacKinnon.

[@dtw456]

thank you for sharing this! so many of us have never learned this, especially if we were traditionally successful during childhood...

[@dianass576]

I am really proud of you for being so transparent in your process. So many people are reluctant to share their behind-the-scenes (myself included!) and do not realize that it truly will help others!! Onward and up! :)

[@jodydang3652]

you and your content have been so inspiring to myself and many others. keep your head up, wherever you end up, they will be so lucky to have you.

[@absv444]

you are such an inspiration. i'm so sorry you didn't get in but now theres so many possibilities when you aren't tied to school work...keep making videos, i love how raw and honest you are! it is refreshing and i think your channel is going to grow and be super successful !

[@jacob9673]

8:33 What’s the problem with going on to a state school? I know plenty of kids who took a bunch of AP classes who went to “state schools” for their full ride scholarships. Some of them went on to get a PhD at Yale/MIT. Obviously it doesn’t change too much.

[@mrodriguez377]

That feeling that school is a safety zone is soo relatable! I’ve started my first job at 21 and it’s been such a culture shock that I’ve soo been tempted to say “you know, I’m a student, I don’t need to be working rn, i should just focus on school and graduate school since it’ll take up so much of my time anyways, why do I even need to go through the discomfort and adjustments of this job?” But I’m sticking with it because it’s made it so apparent that I have some serious work to do on my self-discipline and time management skills as well as some impostor syndrome issues to ocercome.

[@annakap97]

I really commend you for posting this-I really related to so many things you talked about and it's nice to know other people feel the same way. thanks for sharing

[@cyrano33]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. So refreshing to see a candid response to disappointment, even if you prepared for it. Also, so nice to see both your vulnerability and your partner’s support of you and your goals. I know from my own disappointments, that they can sting and depress but in the end, they lay the boundaries to the path that will eventually lead to your happiness. You just need to keep moving.

[@user-hjj3380]

Thanks for sharing this. I shed a tear watching you debrief. I could relate to everything you said and felt like I got out of a funk by watching your video - esp. that ex post regret section. (I'm working on my law review write-on after 1L finals.). I truly appreciate your videos and wish you all the best in your next chapter - it's bound to be good!!

[@CeceXie]

this is so sweet--thank you!! and good luck with the law review write-on (although know that you are doing great and will be fine either way!)

[@jennweintraub2352]

Even though I’m about to finish my PhD program, I certainly only went into it for the exact reason you articulated: I didn’t know what to do next, and so the answer was always “more school!” Even as I wrap up now, I’m sitting here thinking “maybe I’ll go to law school one day” (for the sake of my wallet I hope I grow out of this one). But like others, I have to say thank you for sharing your journey and though it can be hard to sit with those emotions, they will pass and you will go on to bigger and better things!

[@danii3626]

I just got my admission into common law today, and I will always watch your videos to remind me that I can do it. I do admire you so much !

[@incognitojoe1087]

I really appreciate that you process your feelings and experiences without primarily framing it within the context of growing up in an Asian household. With all of the preconceptions and stereotypes out there about that particular style of upbringing, its often easy to forget that those who grew up in this way are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your content and perspective!

[@Skumaskot]

“Basically I have this issue where I view everything that doesn’t work out as a waste of time” -> ME! 😭😭 I’m also a lawyer and completely relate to everything you say. I wonder if law “causes” this type of mentality or if specific personality types are drawn to law. Or a combination of the two.

[@CeceXie]

i think definitely a combination of the two! law attracts certain personalities but also teaches us to be time-crazy and pessimistic

[@ChrisJenkinsOfficial]

Love this. Just came across your channel and hearing your story. Excited to tag along on your journey and hope to get your book when it drops! Keep creating

[@astr0nox]

Hey Cece, I'd like to say a word of thanks for sharing all these. I lost my job last year and ever since then I had been struggling with the shame you talked about - being an ethnic Chinese too and having that self-worth tied to some extent with doing well. I thought that my next step is to pursue further studies too, such as with an MBA. While the decision is not yet released and will only be later today, last month I was informed I wasn't invited to interview. This compounded the feeling of self-doubt, and I started to feel resentful about how things have turned out in my life so far, in the shadow of successes I had earlier in my career. But what you shared about shame, regret, and embarassment helped me gain some perspective. In fact, after not getting the invitation last month, I began to wonder again whether this was the right path to take, and you affirmed my suspicions. I have to go back to the basics and figure out what I really want. Thanks again for shining a light in my darkness. Keep on shining.

[@aalegalfocus]

It's ok. Some degrees aren't really worth it anyway, as opposed to working and getting more real experience. Good luck!

[@lesliejohnson8004]

I love the content of psychiatristmom. I hope that more creators follow her! I'm sorry that you didn't the acceptance you applied for. I hope that you continue the task of your book! I enjoy being able to watch your journey.

[@abbyblair1631]

Thank you CeCe for such an inspiring talk❤. I just recently found your videos and i love how real you are. This talk really hit home for me. I recently graduated undergrad and got my first job. Trying to figure things out and getting rejected is tough. I really miss and want to go back to school too because I feel you with the academic safety blanket. I feel like media/society underplays this moment in our lives, where we are supposed to have everything figured out, and be happy with it. It is ok to feel lost, confused, and dissatisfied. I am rooting for you as you take this time for yourself going forward❤. And remember to be kind to yourself and it is going to be ok 🙂.

[@RichFlemingRealtor]

Appreciate the sharing and reflection ... often, we are far harder on ourselves than anyone else is on us. Keep a positive mindset and moving forward.

[@ib2304]

There's more to life than getting a new ivy league degree whenever you feel lost or unsatisfied. I think this rejection could be a good thing for you and make you question why you're seemingly so hard on yourself and why none of your current accomplishments are enough to make you feel fulfilled.

[@cathyli5234]

Proud of you always! I loved this video. One of my faves from you

[@CeceXie]

🥺 i am so blessed to have you as a friend

[@josefienw]

It took me 2 tries to get into phds-it’s rough out here, and application no.s have Shot Up in the “economic downturn!”

[@oatmilkfiend9627]

Hey, I’m a college junior who loves your videos. I’m currently applying to law school and admire you so much. I myself am so stressed about getting rejected right now, so thank you for sharing this raw footage.

[@jesseddy69]

get a new role model

[@oatmilkfiend9627]

@@jesseddy69 why are you dragging strangers online lol

[@bigpoppa4094]

she had a 3.8 and says she got bad grades. can someone help me understand this?

[@karenhardie1132]

Competing against people with 4.0 GPA.

[@ishasoverit9923]

this video made me cry! Thank u so much for sharing your pain and journey of growth

[@ernestsayshi]

keep your head up, you should be so proud of yourself for trying. the best things in life are always the unexpected ones and I’m a huge believer in this!

[@joonchong]

We all like you no matter what. Thank you for making this video, Cece!

[@shredevil_13]

My LLM application was rejected by Yale just days ago.😅 It was difficult to process initially but life goes on. Thanks for sharing your experience and helping those of us who are similarly situated to accept the things we cannot change, to get back up, and to still have the drive to pursue something worthwhile, even without the desired degree.😁👍

[@aalegalfocus]

Good luck! Hope there will plenty of other good options.

[@judeayo1806]

I applied to stanford, Yale , cornel for my MBA and got rejected from all..LOL...but I got into Temple ...so yeah, although Temple is not a big name, I will take it