🔥 I had my first Panic Attack on Stage | Letting go of my Lifelong Dream 🔥 Dream#5

To all the Dreamers,
this is the hardest video I ever made. But it has been a long time coming.
I wanted to talk about my past so many times before but allowed fear to hold me back.
Opening up about a time in my life when I was at my weakest is a scary thought. And at the same time, it feels encouraging and liberating. I want to prove to myself that I am strong enough. Strong enough to open up and ready to let go.
I spend all of my life working towards my dream to become a musical theater actress. My days were filled with vocal and piano lessons, acting classes, choir, writing songs, being on stage every chance I got.
I moved to the city to study musical theater and three years later I graduated and was finally able to call myself a musical theater actress.
The stage was giving me what was lacking in my reality. But as we all know you can not escape your reality and all of those bad experiences I made over the years finally caught up to me in 2019. I guess I will tell you about those in time.
But today's video is about the amazing dream that unfortunately became collateral damage. And the anxiety disorder that put an end to it.
I couldn't return back to the stage after having a panic attack while performing. Back then I was not able or wise another to push through my anxiety and not let it claim something so dear to me. But I also had to admit to myself that I was changing dreams way before it really got bad.
Since 2019 I have been trying to get back on my feet again.
Struggling on and off with anxiety and depression. Attempting to gain back control over and trust in my body and mind.
But it is hard. I have good days on which I feel ready to take on the whole world and bad days I spend afraid and stuck in my head.
Slowly but steadily I am sorting through all of the knots in my mind. Raising my awareness and getting to know myself better. I have come a long way since 2019. Making this video is another huge step for me on this journey.
I admit I am afraid of judgment because I am not always able to shield myself against it.
But the biggest threat to my confidence is my own mind which can be very brutal and harsh sometimes. And for the last three years, it was predicting horrible scenarios that kept me small, scared, and silent.
It is time for a reality check. And to let go.
Let go of the fear, the anger, the grief, the panic, the hate, the worries, the doubts.
Opening myself up to acceptance, trust, confidence, and belief.
Thank you for watching my video.
Here´s to dreams, my friends.
Here's to dreams.
Love Lexi
🌲 🔥 🌲 🔥 🌲 🔥 🌲 🔥 🌲
My Instagram:
/ becoming_a_dream_catcher
My DIY Channel:
/ @caughtlittlediydreams
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Sounds from Epidemic Sound
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#losingyourdream #anxietydisorder #mentalbreakdown

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Do you also struggle with an anxiety disorder or mental health issues? I would appreciate hearing about your journey.💚

[@lauraboothdesignfreelanceg8717]

Hello Lexi. Thank you for one of the most beautiful, authentic videos on KZbin. I also struggle with anxiety and PTSD. I know more than I ever wished to about panic attacks and losing trust in oneself. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this as well. This video ... your vulnerability, authenticity, your courage ... you should be so proud. I came across your channel when I saw your short clip on Jonna Jinton's video, "A Message that Will Change Your Life." When I saw that you lived in The Black Forest, I immediately came to your channel and began watching your videos. I'm from the US originally but have lived in Germany for about 14 years. I live just on the edge of The Black Forest near Freiburg im Breisgau. Falls du zufällig in meiner Nähe wohnst und Lust hättest kaffee trinken zu gehen, sag Bescheid! :) Much love and understanding from me to you.

[@PJguy]

This meant so much to me and really touched my heart. I’m an actor and I have anxiety too. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

​@@lauraboothdesignfreelanceg8717 Hallo, ich habe dein Kommentar erst heute durch Zufall entdeckt. Sorry, dass du so lange auf eine Antwort warten musstest 🙈. Vielen lieben Dank, dass du dir mein Video angeschaut hast und Teil meiner kleinen Community hier bist. Ich kann absolut nachvollziehen wie beängstigend es ist ständig mit mentalen Schwierigkeiten zu kämpfen. Meine Panikattacken haben mein Vertrauen in meinen Körper sehr stark erschüttert, aber gleichzeitig haben sie mich dazu gebracht mich mit meiner Vergangenheit auseinander zusetzen und mich besser kennenzulernen und dadurch auch den Umgang den ich mit mir selber gepflegt habe stark verbessert. Sie haben mich sehr unsanft wachgerüttelt und dafür bin ich dankbar 🥰. Ich hoffe es geht dir gut und du hast Mittel und Wege gefunden mit deiner Panik umzugehen. 💚 Ich wohne im Umkreis von Villingen Schwenningen, also nicht ganz so weit entfernt 😁 How does one move from the US to the black forest? That must have been quite a huge transition? Ganz liebe Grüße Lexi

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

​@@PJguy Dear Dreamer, thank you for reaching out! I hope you are doing well and found ways to cope and get a handle on your anxiety. 🥰 I haven't found my way back to the stage yet, and maybe I never will, but in the last couple of years I found so many other ways to tap into my creativity and I don't miss the stage as much as I used to. I guess I truly moved on and it all started with making this video. It helped me to let go. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Take good care of yourself I send you lots of strength! Love Lexi

[@Tortise02]

Lexi, you are NOT 'so small', you are great, and very brave for making this video. Your new life is beautiful, you are living it now. My world came crashing down in 2019, too, when my husband of 25 years lost his battle with cancer, in October last year, my lovely old dog was put to sleep, and I still have my 93 year old Mom to look after. Sometimes it all seems just too much; but listening to your videos has really helped me to hold it all together, and keep things in perspective. Watching your beautiful forest walks, seeing your Christmas crafts, hearing you sing, most of all having you share your your honest thoughts on life with us has really helped me, so thank you, Lexi! It's good to have dreams...but NOW is where our life is. C x

[@onewomanswhisky]

Hi Charlotte! My heart goes out to you, for the loss of two such important individuals in your life. You have certainly had your hands full! I looked after my Mom for five and a half years after my Dad passed away. There were times that I just wanted to throw in the towel, and run screaming into the abyss, (which is absolutely normal, by the way)... Somehow I found the strength, though it's probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I don't regret it. I did my best, and I learned to lean on my friends. I think that was the hardest part, admitting I needed help. All I can say is, look after yourself and find ways to celebrate who you are. Being a caregiver is all consuming, and it's easy to neglect and lose sight of ourselves when we are in that situation. None of us is an island. I wish we lived closer, I would come for tea and give you a hug 🤗 Sending positive thoughts and energy! Marian 🇨🇦

[@Tortise02]

Hello Marian, It would be lovely if you could come to tea! Positive thoughts and energy gratefully accepted. What I didn't admit was, a month ago, I took on a rescue dog - 9 months old, from a family who had 5 children, and has pretty much used him as a fluffy toy. No proper training, socialising, or walks. I was desperate for something that didn't revolve around my Mom, and he's certainly that. Run screaming into the abyss? 😵 Yes, absolutely normal. To know you've done your best is worth so much - as are friends who love you. Thanks for your support! 😇 Love, Charlotte x@@onewomanswhisky

[@onewomanswhisky]

Dear Lexi... Doing this video took courage, pure and simple. During my lifetime I have suffered from severe social anxiety, sometimes just within a particular moment and other times for years on end. Once that 'fight or flight' adrenaline kicks in, you can't help but react. For me, it generally meant walking (or running) away from the given situation to be alone. Like you, I took a great amount of solace from nature. Somehow, I always found the strength to go back and to try yet again to just get on with things. In my case I understand the root cause of the problem, tying directly into my life growing up, but even having that understanding didn't help in dealing with it. I think, over time, I simply created my own little managing tools that worked for me. At this stage in my life, it's no longer a major issue...thank goodness! Did it keep me from doing things that I would have loved to have done? Yes. Would my life have gone in a very different direction, had I not experienced this? Yes. Have I been able to carve out a decent and happy life for myself? Yes. Regrets serve nothing and no one. To my wonderful, brave, beautiful and wise friend halfway across the world... I send much love and bright blessings! Marian 🇨🇦

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Dear Marian, I just love ready your comments. You find the most beautiful and encouraging words. Thank you for watching my video and for sharing your story with me and all of us. I am sorry to hear that you too struggled with an anxiety disorder. But you have my deepest respect for finding your own path, getting to know and understand yourself, teaching yourself methods to deal with it, and creating a life for yourself despite everything. I can relate to that "fight or flight" moment. I only had one other panic attack as horrible and frightening as the first two and it almost cost me another dream. But I fought my way through it and am so glad that I did. Otherwise, I would not wake up with that furball I love so much in my bed every single day. Bray would not be in my life anymore if I would have given in to fear again. ( I will share that story in the future). But the struggle with those panic moments continues. Sometimes they hit in small waves, sometimes in bigger once. But like you said it is important to find ways to deal with it, to create my own managing tools and skills, and most importantly to get to know myself, raise my awareness, see the warning signs. For me, one of the hardest challenges was and still is to regain back trust in myself. Not feel like a ticking time bomb without a countdown scale. Challenge myself, test myself, reward myself. And making this video was a challenge. And in the end, it was not as frightening as the fear in my head thought it would be. Knowing that is worth so much. Sending lots of love and gratitude to the other side of the world. Thank you Marian, truly. For being a part of my little Channel. Lexi

[@Tortise02]

Much love and blessings to you, too, Marian. Cx

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

@@Tortise02 Dear Charlotte, I just spend the last 15 minutes answering your lovely comment only to have the whole thing deleted by youtube after publishing it. This is not the first time this is happening. I don´t know why that is. I am answering every single one of my comments and a lot of those answers get deleted. Apparently, it has something to do with the youtube system that is filtering through potential inappropriate comments under videos and is still in the developing phase. I am trying again now by using Marian's original comment, I hope it will not delete my answer here as well. First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story. I remember that you told me about your husband´s and dog´s passing in one of your previous comments. But I did not realize that you lost your dog so recently. I am so sorry. I hope that you can find comfort by taking care of your rescue dog, what a lovely thing to do. I totally understand that taking care of your mother on top of dealing with your losses is too much sometimes. You have my deepest respect. You are incredibly strong and caring and dedicated and I am sure that both your mother and your dog know that they could not ask for a better caretaker. I also need to thank you for always leaving such lovely comments under my videos. I am so happy, that my videos are bringing a little bit of joy into your day. It feels so unreal to know that I am able to connect with someone I never met on the other side of the world on such a personal and emotional level. Thank you, Charlotte, for sharing your story with me. I also almost cried when I saw that Marian and you connected as well. I can´t even describe how happy that makes me. I hope that you are doing well. Sending you lots of strength and patience. Love Lexi

[@Tortise02]

@@becomingadreamcatcher You deserve so many subscribers, may your channel grow and grow! Anyone suffering from anxiety, or just overwhelmed by the pace of modern life would find peace here. Cx

[@patriciavaldez5513]

Thank you for your transparency. I lost a job that I had prayed for. It made me feel I had no more to give in life. It was my dream job. This video helped me see my future my present life with hope. Again thank you. 💗

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Thank you so much for watching my video, it means the world to me 💚 I am so sorry that you lost your dream job. Sometimes life just does not seem fair and even cruel. But it always goes on. And looking back at what happened to me I know that it changed a lot of things for the better. Not all but I want to focus on the good parts as often as I can. And every day it gets a little easier. I wish you a lot of strength and hope that it will get easier for you too very very soon. Thank you so much for sharing! Sending lots of love Lexi 💚

[@ina.florike5461]

You really moved me with your video. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I know this feeling too well to lose control over mind and body. For years I have been struggling a lot with my mental health, there were points I thought there's nothing good for me left in this life: no big dreams, no future. But it was worth the long way until here - there is still some anxiety left, but I have big dreams again and I know that there will wait a good future for me. I'm already in this future. It really was hard to get to know me better, to understand what the signs of my mind and body wanted to tell me, to feel all those surpressed feelings, to understand the past and to accept who I am. And it still ist, but it's worth it. I think it's stronger to feel weak and small sometimes, than to feel strong all the time. I wish you the best future - and maybe one day a new dream (it can be also a small one) 🌿

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Thank you, Ina. For your story and transparency. And I am so happy for you for finding new dreams and following new plans. I agree with your words. It takes time to sort through everything, and, unfortunately, most times it takes a really hard blow to make us question our decisions, behaviors, and habits, but it is also such a big chance to get to know and understand ourselves better. It is a journey that will continue and never end for we are constantly changing. 💚😊

[@naecotiliasounds2373]

Thank you for your honesty and your courage to tell us! I can understand it must feel very scary to share such a deep information about you with us strangers. The feeling of not being alone maybe helps. I think there are many people who focused on one dream and lost it. Since you asked: For me, I always wanted to work in nature, working in the rain forest or with conservation project or with wolves or with the ocean or..... a big wish, no actually plan. So I studied biology. And in the mid of my master I got a break down because of having no money to keep the study going, not wanting to get a credit as I thought I will never get a job to pay it off, no idea what I wanted to specialize in. Just feeling completely lost. So within about 2 weeks I quit my study. Then I took a job in a direction I always hated and after a short amount of time, like maybe 6 weeks since the break down, I've lived a completely different life. I changed my life like a maniac so quickly, when I realized what had happened I cried so much. Nearly every drive home from my new work for a long time. But it got better. I got better in the job, I learned so much for myself. I learned actually some really important skills which I would have never learned in the study. And after a while in the job, 4 years, I got angry with myself. Why I was just sad but didn't do anything about it. So I took myself out there again and managed to get into a company which works with products for nature conservation. Not the job I dreamed of - but close enough! Now I already work there for about 3 years. And I often wish I could just go back in time, give the little past me a big hug and tell her she will be okay. Now, when I worry to much or get to much thinking in my head I imagine a future me hugging me :D I'm very sure there is a future you who will have the same feeling and is sending you her hugs. There is no rush, we have time to sort things. And when we are done I think something which excites us will come back. It maybe will be not "the big thing" and it maybe will be different, but it will be okay. I'm happy you have your KZbin channel and I'm looking forward to see what you will create on it. (And I'm sorry, this is the longest post I have ever written on KZbin and will probably ever write)

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Dear Naeco Tilia Sounds, thank you so much for your very long comment. I loved reading it and I wanted to take my time answering, that´s why it has been a couple of days. I was very scared for a long time to get so personal on this channel and there are obviously still a lot of things I haven´t shared and maybe never will, but talking about my breakdown and anxiety disorder was not that hard in the end. Maybe because this part of my past is not playing as big of a role anymore as it used to and I already moved in a lot of ways. But it was important for me to share my story because I want this channel to be a place where I can be my true self, get in touch with like-minded people and document my journey. It was still a big step for me and it is good to keep making the experience that the things that scare me are not as frightening once I faced them head-on. Now to your story: Thank you so much for sharing this part of your past and being so honest and open. I am so glad that you found a job that might not be all you ever dreamed of but became reality, a safe haven, and is fulfilling you. It might have taken a little time and required heartbreak, change, and sacrifice or at least compromise but it sounds like you are happy, proud of yourself, and content. And that is worth so much. And I love your picture of a future you hugging your present you whenever things are getting tough. That is absolutely beautiful and very true. I too keep reminding myself of that when things are hard. Life always goes on and it will bring new experiences, new chances, new people, new dreams. And yes also new heartbreak, new problems, new worries, but also new solutions, new skills, new changes. We all grow and I believe our hardest days teach us the most about ourselves. Thank you again for your story. 💚 Love Lexi

[@naecotiliasounds2373]

@@becomingadreamcatcher thank you so much for your beautiful answer

[@ASMRaphael]

So superb and so wonderful :) One of the best videos I have seen in a long time :)

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Thank you so much! I am glad you enjoyed it! 😊💚 Greeting from Germany.

[@johannahoff9185]

Thank you so much for opening up. I know you have told me a bit about your story last year, but watching this video was heartbreaking and encouraging at the same time. I am so happy that you have found your strength again and made this beautiful video. Sending you much love Lexi:)

[@becomingadreamcatcher]

Thank you, Johanna. It was time, and it was not hard at all to open up, because I was able to do it in a way that felt comfortable and good to me. Proofs that most of the time it is just fear that is holding me back. I am very glad that I meet you last year and that we are a part of each other's journeys. Looking forward to your Ireland plans in September. 💚