I hate my 'golden child' sister r/AITA

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[@Miriam-rf4xv]

The two sisters 'compete' for trauma because they have been competing for attention and love and security from their parents their entire lives. They have learned that the sister who is having it the hardest (in the parent's eyes) will get the love and attention. Older sister sees younger sister get love and attention when younger sister is very poorly. Younger sister sees older sister get love and attention when parents think she's being neglected. Younger sister internalises anger, seems to be coping OK and does well at school, but older sister develops behavioural problems and externalises her anger and is therefore 'heard' by the parents, who treat her specially. The parents modelled a 'we can only love one of you and it will be the one we feel guilty about' environment which the sisters have never grown out of, and which makes them feel like they need to 'prove' they are the worst off to get that love. Not saying it's right, but it hits home so hard and makes total sense to me.

[@angeladavidson2350]

OP's situation hit home so hard for me as well, I totally agree. Their behavior makes sense due to how the parents have handled raising them.

[@kadesumitsuriboshi5599]

I still feel like I would say older sister is the a-hole and not OP since older sister is always the one bringing up the golden child discussion. She's 34 and have 4 kids, by this time she should have gone to therapy to work out her issues to 1: live a better and happier life and 2: give a better exemple of sisterhood for her own kids. OP on the other hand will never be able to let it go as long as older sister keeps bringing this up and basically blaming her just for being born under certain circumstances.

[@westzed23]

Love does not work that way. Parents have enough love to give both children, but they didn't. Older sister can't handle younger sister getting all the attention. Sibling rivalry happens when there is a new baby. It is how the parents treat this rivalry. Baby needs more time because of health. Daddy can put you to bed with a story and cuddle you up into bed. Both children and parents needed therapy when the girls were younger. Younger girl felt she had no voice because her parents told her she wasn't important and only barely was part of the family. This needs family therapy. No one is doing anything right. If they want to become a loving family, then this needs work.

[@DestructionGlitter]

I'm sorry, you just told my life story with my twin sister and I literally fighting for attention from our parents.

[@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse]

I think you hit the nail on the head completely

[@sarahbelk1936]

I disagree with the last one. Yes, it's not OP's sister's fault that OP's parents flipped it around and neglected OP for her sister, but I think her behavior toward OP is frankly unacceptable and shows how spoiled she was. At 34 she should definitely be emotionally mature enough to understand OP didn't plan on being born with complications and on Christmas, and seriously, she was a jealous older sibling for, what, max two years? Not even. So a two to three years old was treated amazingly the rest of her life and can't find the emotional compacity to feel empathy? I honestly find it pretty disgusting. If she kept that to herself, whatever, but what makes her a major asshole imo is what she said to OP. It seems clear that this is what made OP freak out when she hadn't before. I think her sister needed to hear it and needs to get help. She should at least do it for her four children so she doesn't raise them to be as emotionally immature and un- empathetic as she is

[@WelcomeApathy]

100%. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I feel that you said well exactly what I was thinking.

[@Sophie_Cleverly]

Also it seems from the ages that she was 2 when OP was born on Christmas Day but was telling everyone that it was terrible for her having to miss Christmas and stay with her aunt? I'd be surprised if she actually remembers that. My daughter's 2nd birthday and Christmas were in lockdown and she has no memory of it, I don't think she's even sure what happened at Christmas last year!

[@availanila]

God I was the sickly kid that took all my parents' attention. I felt neglected, my sister felt neglected too though. In our teens my parents finally "recovered from me" and had more kids. My brother is sickly too and gets more attention than my two youngest siblings. We work double time to make sure they don't build resentment. I'm thankful my sister and I bonded and didn't go the route these two did.

[@sarahbelk1936]

@@availanila you sound like great sibling and a strong person ❤️

[@sarahbelk1936]

@@WelcomeApathy I'm glad cus I felt like I went a little hard lol😂but the longer I thought about it the more angry I got

[@carminaburana9765]

I don't think the third OP should feel obligated to focus on building a better relationship with her family if they're still holding it over her head that she required extra attention as a baby or that her birthday was inconvenient. Focusing on herself first might help her figure out which parts of family interactions she wants to keep and how to set clear, solid boundaries around the rest. Sometimes relationships need to grow, sometimes they need to be pruned, sometimes they need to be removed entirely.

[@Grymmorot]

Totally agree!

[@Lucifersfursona]

Guilting a child for the work you did to keep them alive when they didn’t ask to get sick let alone be born in the first place, and keeping your sick child alive if you have the resources to do so is the bare minimum when you choose to make a person, is some horrible evil shit. Do not blame children for being sick, for being disabled, for being unwell. They did not choose to be. They’re not trying to hurt you when they’re in pain or suffering or need extra help. They’re just kids. Jesus fucking Christ learn what a child is before you make one.

[@ellchenelle1682]

Also little update on the two sisters: it isn't just childhood stuff. Even when older the parents cannot so much as buy a card or cake for OP. The sister will have a meltdown. The parents moved close to the sister, leaving OP to only see them once or twice a year. They have not met her partner of over 5 years and do not ask about them. They forgot OPs job ( that they have been working in for over 10 years, being successful ). When OP calls they do not ask about her life but only talk about the sister. The parents are absolutely assholes. But the sister isn't blameless. The one time the dad wanted to buy something for Op when they were both adults already, the sister screamed not to ruin christmas for her daughter by making it about OP. The sister had years of therapy, if she cannot see that her little sister is not to blame for being born sick then i don't know. I am especially shocked that the mother of 4 kids cannot understand that "oh yes. if one of my kids was born terribly ill we might need to divert attention to that child for a bit". Sincerely, if I was OP, I would go no contact.

[@angeladavidson2350]

That is HORRIBLE, poor OP :(

[@salamanda11]

Definitely. OP doesn’t deserve this bullshit anymore.

[@fallenking578]

They had a shitty doctor it seems or just never took any of their advice. Family therapy as a group was certainly needed. So the older sister couldn't hide anything the doctor might say and the whole family dynamic can be addressed by perfessionals

[@peachreed]

Wow all these extra details really show who these parents are, it’s so gross and sad. As a mom of 2 I couldn’t imagine not being invested in both of my children’s lives equally…

[@ireneimboden9566]

I absolutely agree. No contact is the way to go. Go find another family.

[@Zapporah85]

I will say, the US disability system is not functional. My brother has ADHD but more importantly seizures that prohibit him from being able to work long enough hours to provide for himself. He can work part-time, 6-hour shifts at the most before he feels run down and is at risk of having a seizure. He has pushed himself and had a seizure on the job multiple times. He has applied for disability four times and been denied. The system is messed up, and that sucks. The boyfriend is still a mooch tho.

[@thecolorjune]

Yeah. ADHD is 100% a disability that effects people in different ways. It could be totally possible that the boyfriend is legitimately trying and yet has limits to what he can do. That being said, if he has access to therapy through his parents and their insurance and financial support, it his his responsibility to seek that out. He also has the funds to pay for rent. He shouldn’t be doing anything else (buying goodies, going out to eat, etc) for as long as he is making his girlfriend support him financially when she didn’t agree to that.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

So called "American dream" in a country where 99% of the wealth is hoarded by a few rich conservatives.

[@mikaylaeager7942]

@@thecolorjune If his income is truly that low he should at least be eligible for Medicaid which would give him access to therapy/medication. Not that it’s exactly easy to find a good therapist/doctor that accepts Medicaid, but if you find one, the copay is very low/nonexistent.

[@BubblyRainbows]

@@thecolorjune I don't disagree that the boyfriend has funds and should be doing what he can. He is a mooch and I'm not defending his behavior. But I do need to point out that if they're living in the US, he may legitimately not have access to therapy or to financial support from the government. Contrary to what many on the right love to claim, the disability system here is very broken and horribly difficult to navigate. I am a wheelchair user and officially diagnosed with multiple _severe_ mental illnesses (including schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) and was denied outright when I applied for disability. I had to get a lawyer to help and was told that the case may take as much as four years to resolve. Until then, I'm entirely dependent on my dad and there's nothing I can do about it. More importantly, (again, assuming that these people are living in the US), there is a _severe_ psychiatric care shortage in this country. There are too few psychiatric care specialists and way too many people who need help. Most practices are not accepting new patients at all. Last I heard, there was a gap of 1 therapist for every 700 patients in need of therapy. That's way too many people for any therapist to treat. Some people, no matter how severe their need, just can't get professional treatment. And of course, that's even assuming the boyfriend is still covered by the parents' insurance. chances are, at his age, he's no longer covered, and would have to pay for therapy out of pocket. And it's not cheap. I mean the antipsychotics I used to be prescribed cost $880 for a 30-day supply. That's almost $30 _per pill_ and that's just for the meds, not even counting the cost of the therapy appointments themselves (thankfully I was covered by my dad's insurance at the time). But sadly, in this country, people who are struggling financially can literally be unable to afford help even if they desperately need it.

[@sethbowman265]

As someone going for disability, it is absolutely f*cked and this man deserves sympathy for the capitalist hellscape he lives in. It's awful. But sympathy does not equal non-consensual support. If he wants to enter a relationship in which his significant other takes care of him, they need to be okay with that, and it needs to be consensual. And, unfortunately, that sometimes means we (the disabled) end up homeless. That's not his significant other's fault--it's our system's. I agree that we should have huge amounts of empathy--and so should the s/o. The way she talks about her boyfriend's disability is unkind and ignorant, but that's a communication issue. It's not okay that she is being put in a situation she didn't consent to, caring for someone's financial well-being without buying into that.

[@Mike-di1og]

Older sister is unambiguously the golden child and as an adult has continued to DARVO her sister over it and make HER feel guilty that she wasn’t neglected ENOUGH. OP was and continues to be the victim of abuse by both her parents and her sister. I cannot morally justify an ESH because it puts a victim of abuse on the same level as her abusers just for saying she hates them.

[@mikaylaeager7942]

YES!! Boost!!

[@gymnasticsgirlie0647]

YES. The quintessential example of reactive abuse.

[@kazzieheart]

This!!

[@salamanda11]

Nailed it!

[@pyritethefool4637]

I agree! It's not OP's fault when and how she was born, but the whole family chooses to treat her as though it is. I could not imagine what it would be like to be told that they very day you were born was traumatic for your sibling.

[@maxicoon5855]

For the two sisters. I'm completely on the op's side none of that was her fault. Her sister got used to being the victim and sounds like she still expects to be it. I wouldn't blame her if she cut that entire toxic family out of her life.

[@ellchenelle1682]

Same here. What's OP supposed to do?? "so sorry I was nearly dying for the first few months of my life and as a baby I could not handle all the appointments by myself. I am also so sorry I did not schedule my birth to be more convenient" ?? the ones who messed up were the parents and also?? if the older sister is in so much therapy did nobody ever told her 'hey it isn't your siblings fault' ?

[@heather9130]

THIS. Children learn how to feel about things from their PARENTS in the early years. If a child falls down, they look to the parent to see how they should react. Overreacting when your child is doing anything mildly dangerous can teach that child to fear taking risks. The older sister has learned that she is the victim, and she's carrying her trauma around like a shield rather than wanting to get better. What a sad situation for OP and their sister.

[@deanhodgson8219]

Like OP literally didn't ASK to be born, time to say bye bye to the fam

[@Rikrobat]

I do agree with Shaaba that OP saying she hates everyone in the room isn’t the best way to handle the situation, but definitely to what everyone is saying here-OP didn’t ask to be born on Christmas or be sickly for the first chunk of her life. The parents vastly overcorrected to coddle the sister and haven’t stopped creating an environment where the sister can play the “I had it so hard” card. I’ve known people who have had one child become sick while the other one doesn’t know how to navigate all of the attention and priorities being put on the sibling. It’s difficult for everyone involved. But the parents worked to try and make sure the healthy child could understand the situation as much as possible and still showed them love and attention as much as they were able. Because they didn’t want the children growing up to resent each other.

[@krankarvolund7771]

Yeah, the Christmas birthday thing is a little bullshit ^^' Like, my brother was born on the 22nd of December, so we'll usually lumped his birthdat with Christmas, until he said he disliked it, because everyone was in the Christmas mood, and my parents started making him a separate party. In my opinion, if there's frictions on the attention a child is getting, it's not the child's fault, it's the parents fault ^^'

[@ShinTriAce]

Honestly, for the last story, I don't think those sisters ever had a positive relationship. While I think therapy is a good idea for both sisters, I don't think the end goal of that should be reconciliation. It should be learning how to deal with their respective trauma's and how they can deal with those. Honestly, that whole family mistreated OP and if none of them acknowledge that, OP might be better off without them. Especially since they still seem to be causing active harm to this day. ...I might have heard/read too many Reddit stories, though. But even if it is easy for me to say, it is okay to cut out toxic people. And if this snapshot is part of larger pattern that continues to this day (which it very much sounds like it is), OP's family sounds like it is very much toxic to her.

[@jadziajan]

For the last one, I really feel like OP is NTA. The sister is the one who demanded an apology (in a very rude and condescending manner), when regardless of what actually happened later on in OP's childhood, that would not have been their fault. Like they literally did nothing to cause their parents to act like that. The biggest assholes are the parents, who apparently can't balance having two children to care for, but to me the sister was too unfair to be positive that she would listen to OP after all this time. As for OP lashing out that they hate everyone here - I mean... Do they? If they do they're right to say it 🤷 It's not like they started a fight for no reason - their family pushed their buttons and they reacted.

[@ZombieMinion1992]

I'll be honest. If I were the OP of that story I would have said "OH NO! I'm so sorry I was born horribly sick. I'm sorry our parents felt the need to keep fucking for another child. I didn't ask to be born. Just admit you would have been happier if I had died and get over yourself." Dig in the guilt, remind her that she is being an unreasonable bitch, and point out to the parents that THEY made the choice to have children and maybe should have stopped at one if their love is so conditional.

[@krankarvolund7771]

Yeah, she said she hated everyone... because from what it seemed, everyone in that family were okay with not treating her fairly ^^'

[@salamanda11]

I can’t get over the sister heavily implying OP needed to apologize for (checks notes) being born? Needing medical care as an infant? The sister should have grown up and realized it was not her sister’s fault. The parents did them both dirty.

[@krankarvolund7771]

@@salamanda11 Yeah, that's really the thing that makes me think OP is not at all wrong in that situation, she literally did nothing wrong to be treated like that, most of the favoritism the parents gave her was when she was below ten ^^'

[@capturingsol]

For the last story, it seems like the OP is at least more self-aware of the situation than her sister is. Her sister has decided to be the victim in her own life and displace everything onto her sister instead of doing any kind of genuine reflection like the OP did. The OP stated that she realizes her sister had it tough when she was younger, but the sister has no such nuance for the OP or acknowledges that how the parents (and family!) decided to 'fix their mistake' was to ignore the OP, because that greatly benefited the sister. Both sisters need therapy, but I would consider the sister to be an AH over the lack of reflection or acknowledgement that the OP was treated unfairly for the lattermost 2/3 of her life. That's something else to keep in mind, too. The sister's trauma, while occurring during formative years, was a max of ten years. OP also had trauma during her formative years, and it's been going on for 22 years, and people are still leaning into it as well. They do need therapy and to make up, and the parents (and rest of the family) are the major AHs here, but there's something to be said about the benefits the sister has gotten over the past 22 years for having the OP be ignored.

[@vallentinac9513]

Exactly!!!

[@katharineeavan9705]

I think that's depending heavily on us taking OP's side at face value. Even taking the approach that we believe everything the OP says as we can't really do otherwise, I could very easily see it being a case of the sister being farmed off to extended family for several of her formative years and the parents attempting to overcompensate by making a massive deal about her 'acting out' and needing therapy, and prioritising her during exceptional events (holidays, celebrations etc.) without actually making her feel included in the new family unit with her sister. This would explain why both sister and OP think OP is the golden child - she's the good one, the easy one who was safe to neglect because she never did anything wrong, while sister was the problem child who needed extra attention. It'd also explain why the extended family all showed up to sister's graduation - remember sister said she spent xmas with her aunt? Wanna bet it wasn't just the holiday she was really talking about?

[@vallentinac9513]

@@katharineeavan9705 that may all very well be true and fair (which is why I think the AH are the parents) but the fact remains that OP has recognized that it must have been hard and traumatic for the sister, whereas the sister does not seem to recognize that it has been hard and traumatic for OP otherwise she wouldn't be wanting an apology (for something OP had absolutely no control over like having health issues) I have compassion for the sister as well, but it is at the very least immature of her...

[@annabrown3337]

I hope the couple arguing over a fridge see this and realise how minor it is compared to financial issues and childhood trauma

[@chriskagamine358]

The last one got me fired up. NTA. While she could have said things in a kinder way, it feels tone policy to be like "I made your life miserable, but you're actually the bad guy because you raised your voice once"

[@actuallyansel4697]

I’m a man with ADHD and I deal with ADHD paralysis all the time. Having said that, it is NOT an excuse for owing someone THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. Yes, it makes things a lot harder, but you CAN get through it. He simply chooses not to.

[@jnewcomb]

I have ADHD too. For a long time, I was in denial about just how crippling it was. I couldn't work, I couldn't live independently, I couldn't even make my own dinner. I needed help for everything and that was extremely frustrating cause I always imagined myself getting a really awesome job with a huge house and paycheck. I had no idea how manipulative I was to other people (even to the point of making them cry and I couldn't figure out why it was my fault). I also wasn't willing to seek therapy cause I couldn't deal with the, "This is your adult life now" conversation. I'm older now and I can accept it more readily. It's still not an excuse, it's just an explanation. _She_ needs to love herself enough to recognize his disability isn't her disability. He may be lovely in so many ways but if she needs a partner that can share the load, no matter how sweet and caring he is in other ways, he isn't that partner right now and he may never be. It sucks for both of them but you either accept to be someone's caretaker or accept that you can't.

[@gulplastgaffel]

​@@jnewcombwell put. And a good reminder that just because the formal diagnosis is the same, the struggles and their severity might not be.

[@jnewcomb]

@@gulplastgaffel Thank you. Even within the mental health community, it's easy to think the way your diagnosis presents is the way everybody with the same diagnosis presents. I couldn't even get psychiatrists to agree on my diagnoses for a while. It's not like a broken leg where every doctor will give the same basic plan of treatment. Brains are weird and the DSM is just a guideline not a blueprint.

[@leggyegg2890]

@jnewcomb ⁠​⁠I agree in some ways, but I disagree that it’s just an issue of whether or not she’s capable of providing for him. He may be genuinely unable to work - I haven’t worked in years due to my ADHD and other disabilities. That doesn’t in any way make it okay to put that on other people. He ‘borrowed’ a huge amount of money from her with no intention of paying it back and is behaving like an entitled brat. He also signed a lease and locked her into a contract under false pretences - he’s effectively scamming her and doing it intentionally. They aren’t mismatched, he is a bad partner, period. The money problems can very well be explained by the ADHD but his lack of respect for others can’t be.

[@jnewcomb]

@@leggyegg2890 Where I would disagree is that I have learned through my own therapy how unintentionally manipulative I can be and I have more than once been accused of being vindictive and malicious when I had no intention of either. The concept of respect eludes me to this day. I don't know what it is, how it's given or how it gets received. I just know that I very rarely intentionally try to manipulate others and I would _never_ intentionally disrespect someone I love or purposefully manipulate them just to benefit me. As I said, I have crippling ADHD, I can't work and am in constant need of being looked after. That's not something well handled by a 20-something year old. Been there, done that, have the horrible t-shirt of shame to prove it. I don't know how much money I "scammed" off my relatives in those first 10 years trying to _believe_ I was competent, capable and committed to paying them back 10 fold (fake it till you make it). Because of the forgetfulness that comes with ADHD and Autism, I can't even guess a number. He may truly think either the number isn't as high as she says or that she "gave" him some of that money when she didn't. We can't know, we're only hearing from OP; an able-bodied, theoretically non-mentally disabled person. Information is only coming from that perspective. I'm just suggesting, this guy mirrors my life from ages 17-32 until I finally got the diagnoses I needed to piece together what the hell happened to my life and why after 15 years, I cannot work in the social structure that I was born in to. It _doesn't_ excuse his behavior, I'm not suggesting in the slightest that his behavior is okay, it's _just_ an explanation making his behavior _understandable_ and not necessarily intentionally injurious. It _is_ possible his poor behavior is from social blindness, not malice. His mind is disabled. That's all we can judge and it's a piss poor thing to demean a person's character when we KNOW in the first place, they're brain is not working right. I still work through the trauma of those accusations even though I know now I'm a GOOD HEARTED person. OP needed help and as someone who has been in bf's position, the kindest thing she can do is follow through on her own boundaries (which she hasn't) and make an honest evaluation of _her_ willingness to take care of him at her expense (which she hasn't). She knows he's disabled. This is what living with this disabled person looks like. Do you want to stay at your financial and emotional expense or leave because this partnership cannot provide what you need in return? I'm single. I may always be single (I hope not but I'm pushing 40 and have come to accept I may live out Steve Carell's unfortunate first blockbuster film without the ending). I cannot provide a partner with financial stability, residential assistance, day to day chores and potentially even partnered childcare. I did not accept that in my 20s and I fully expect no future person to willingly step up as both my partner AND caretaker now even though _I_ understand that's the most I can offer. I _have_ to have a permanent caretaker, they _have_ to accept that. I _haven't_ put that responsibility on someone, I _don't_ have a choice. My caretaker has the choice. They can stay or go. I will need care regardless of their decision. Whether his brain is dysfunctional or he's a jerk, it doesn't matter. This is all he's offered her. Does she want it? Let's not drag him through the mud when we don't even know his story.

[@combim1449]

Shaaba, in the last one I feel like many will fully take OP's side, not because it's a trauma contest, but because of the sister's behavior when trying to blame OP and demanding an apology

[@sarahbelk1936]

I completely agree with this. I wasn't sure until the sister's reaction was revealed. Then my anger had no mercy lol.

[@16poetisa]

Seriously! Did OP's sister really expect her to apologize for her parents' behavior when she was a baby/toddler? Or for being born on Christmas and having medical issues as a young child?

[@amandatownsend5132]

​@16poetisa especially when they parents flipped completely and treated the other sister as the golden kid to "make up for it" like no she doesn't need to apologize she deserves an apology if anything

[@deanhodgson8219]

For the last one, it sounds like OP was not the "golden child" but instead the scapegoat. It's no one's fault except the parents' that this dynamic has been formed between the siblings. They literally created an environment that would favor one child and feed resentment of the other, of course OP had an outburst! This one hits home pretty heavily. Love you, Shaaba

[@ArielVHarloff]

My dad was also born on Christmas his family used to celebrate half a year out from his birthday so it wouldn't interfere with christmas and so the weather would be nice and him and his friends could celebrate outside. How do you even come up with the idea of just ignoring one of your children's birthday

[@16poetisa]

That's what I was thinking! If Christmas was such a sensitive time for the sister, they could have picked a less charged date for OP's big celebration.

[@rebekajirsak]

Shaaba's weekly AITA makes me look forward to Monday 😂

[@AeriaGl0ris]

If you're expected to apologize for existing, OP #3, you're not the Golden Child. You might even be the Scapegoat.

[@freckles4603]

I completely agree for the 1st once op is NTA. However, that “ADHD isn’t an excuse!!” Is just infuriating to me, it’s a true statement but is often used to invalidate other people. I wouldn’t say that this person specifically is invalidating, just that it’s a Trend. And that ‘my adhd doesn’t make me stop being able to do stuff!’ Is also just…like ok, that’s how affecting you, and it’s not the same for everyone, I see this a lot with depression as well. Again, op is definitely NTA here and I’m not saying otherwise, but the comparing tone of that comment annoyed me.

[@leggyegg2890]

Yeah that comment bothered me a lot as well. ADHD is absolutely a valid excuse for not working or being financially responsible BUT not an excuse for being an entitled dick. Him not working or having money isn’t the problem, the fact he’s scamming his girlfriend into paying his way is.

[@damienedmiston3195]

Look, I was a scapegoat in a family that had a lot of issues. My parents treated my siblings so much better than me (as I was seen as the problem because I had mental illness and was gay). But I would never expect my siblings to apologize for it, as it wasn't their fault that I was abused and they weren't. That's ridiculous.

[@Lucifersfursona]

Pitting siblings against each other is also a form of abuse; I don’t know you or your story but from everything I’ve seen about this, the children that are pedestaled are also being harmed, but in a subtler emotionally damaging way. I hope you and your siblings have been able to find peace and stability after your family’s mistreatment.

[@marjoleinvanstraelen5925]

ops sister was like 5yo through adult when she was 'the golden child', while op was like 0-3yo, so idk how the sister expects op to apologize for something that they couldn't help + weren't possibly conscious of at the time, even though she must have noticed she got favourable treatment later on

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

The golden child one where OP claimed to be the golden child and clearly wasn't reminds me of something. A lot of the time, if you're told something enough, especially as a kid, you'll just kind of blindly believe it. Clearly OP's sister has called her the golden child so much that she's just accepted that and is saying it even though it's clearly not true. I was the same with another thing that this reminds me of. Being autistic, I grew up being told by health professionals and my friends that I had no empathy - so I just believed them. It wasn't until the age of 19 that I made a throwaway jokey comment about not having empathy in front of my ex-boyfriend and he was shocked that I genuinely believed I had no empathy. He said "oh no, you have a lot of empathy, you just struggle to express it" and I was AMAZED at this concept. I realised immediately that he was right but was almost in tears that he'd noticed. I got so emotional at just being told that I do, in fact, have empathy. Moral of the story? Careful what you say to kids. It can cut really deep and this stuff really sticks with them.

[@StudlyFudd13]

I was called the liar my entire life. I did lie, but what kid doesn't? I lied to protect myself. If I told my parents the truth, ie how I was feeling that day, I would be punished. I would have my things ripped away from me. I walked on eggshells around both of my siblings who would tell the parents anything and everything the second they heard it. I lived in a prison camp surrounded by landmines. That's how it felt. When I was asked about flaws I had I would always say, "I am unfortunately a liar." It took me years to be able to see that was wrong. Even now they all call me a liar. When I tried to open up to them in a serious conversation. They simply said, "I just think you like to lie to people and just tell'em what they want to hear." That olive branch was burnt instantly. I told my brother what I went through growing up and he said, "That's just an opinion, you weren't abused. You're just lying for attention." I have had to walk away from all of them. I don't care to know my sister. I don't want to be around my parents. I had to walk away from all of it. Therapy has been a god send thus far. I need years more of it.

[@Wanettepoems]

Oh, it truly itches my britches when neurotypicals say we on the spectrum "hAvE nO eMpAtHy". I feel most others sorely lack it, the way they can be mean to others and ignore suffering in the world.

[@tloomis01]

Dude was AH for removing her drinks. I would like to point out that the ice dispenser takes up room in the freezer and not the fridge (at least in my various experiences).

[@AndiNewtonian]

THANK YOU! I was thinking the same thing. The ice dispenser doesn't take up room in the fridge. And you definitely don't want to put drinks in the freezer.

[@rage_of_aquarius]

Barely any room, too! #1, why aren't they just drinking water? Even from a jug or well if the tap isn't good. You shouldn't need a fridge full of disposable plastic bottles. #2, sometimes the tap just isn't cold enough! You need some ice if you don't want lukewarm water on a hot day. That isn't unreasonable.

[@superzooperhaze6597]

On that first story I definitely think OP is NTA. The only thing I took issue with was the commenter who said "I was diagnosed in my 40s so if I could do it anyone should be able to". ADHD is a spectrum condition and just because someone was more capable of masking it until in their 40s doesn't mean everyone struggles the same amount as them. Some struggle much more. I've been on a maximum dosage of my ADHD medication for nearly five years and that's incredibly bad for your heart, but I have no other options as ADHD is not really ever approved for disability benefits nor do benefits actually cover the cost of living usually (and sometimes you can't get married or have pretty much any outside income without risk of losing benefits). ADHD is a beast because if someone does struggle that much with ADHD paralysis doing things like seeking treatment can often suffer due to that particular symptom. OP isn't wrong to be upset with her bf though because this is when he needs to find a proper caretaker to help him manage and find professional treatment and not thrust that onto his partner .

[@leovirgo4538]

OK, ... the ice cube thing? 1)Unless the refrigerator ice cube dispenser has a FILTER on it, and unless the ice is used up very quickly, the ice tastes horrible. 2)Some people prefer drinks to be cold but not diluted by melting ice. I, personally, rarely put ice in things like soda or tea, because I want it cold, not watered down. This was major passive-aggressive a-hole behavior, imho.

[@silverghostcat1924]

A good solution is freeze some tea or coffee in the ice cube trays, that way you get to use ice without watering down the drink 😸

[@undefinederror40404]

The other day I saw "iron icecubes" in a general store. It kinda blew my mind a little, ngl. Because they're made of material that's not gonna affect the taste of your drink, they're cold when you store them in the fridge so they'll cool your drink _and_ do so without diluting it. There was also a plastic version but.. plastic, no thanks. So maybe if you ever come across them they'd be nice for you to have, where I live they are apparently cheap too :)

[@lauraelliott6909]

Another option for those who don't have an ice maker but don't mind ice in their drinks is to use ice cube trays and manually freeze water in them. Sure, it takes a tiny amount of time, and you have to remember to fill them, but it's an option many people use. OP is a petty AH.

[@silverghostcat1924]

@@undefinederror40404 iron icecubes? I would think those would affect the taste, course on the upside it would add iron to your diet, like cooking in a cast iron skillet. I would think stainless steel would be better, but I could be wrong.

[@carr0760]

Honestly, the idea of NOT keeping drinks in the fridge is weird to me. That's where they belong.

[@kiarimarie]

My parents also overly course corrected. They messed up with my older brother, and then put his needs above mine almost my entire time growing up, downplayed my achievements to make him feel less bad. It took my therapy to work through that shit. I acknowledge it's not an easy thing to deal with and might turn into a constant battle of harm reduction but sometimes you gotta just realize your older child's needs actively harm your younger child. My situation is quite different than that person's but it definitely hit a nerve for me as a victim of sibling abuse.

[@16poetisa]

This! I wish more people would understand that you can't always parent multiple children well if their needs are so incompatible. My sister has ADHD and always leaves things out where she can see them; I'm autistic and need things put away so I don't get sensory overload. We shared a room growing up and I *hated* it.

[@Jupiter-ng1yi]

Shaaba’s words after the first one really hit me. My parents have a tendency to yell and/or passive aggressively ignore me when I do something in a way they don’t want it to be done. This always makes me extremely frustrated, and I tell them that, but then they punish me more for speaking back. However, I always end up defending them because “other than that they’re good people” but even that’s not really true. We have some fundamental disagreements (like they don’t believe in LGBTQ+ rights and I do) that make it hard for me to believe they really are good people. It’s so hard, especially when it’s your parents, to figure out if someone is good or bad because everyone has flaws. You just have to decide how much these flaws mean to you and other people. I just want to say for other people in a similar situation as me, I hope it gets better for us. I’m a high schooler and I’m planning on moving out eventually, and I’m hoping that will mellow out my parents or at least get them to treat me good all the time rather than some of the time.

[@thenameiswater2921]

A lot of that will depend on them, speaking from experience. I’ll encourage you to leave it up to them to fix your relationship if damaged. You can only offer them your hand so many times, thinking they’ll shake it and instead tugging you back into old cycles. Not saying that is necessarily what will happen, but letting you know that it’s okay to step back if that kind of thing does happen. My mental health improved drastically when I made contact with my biological family extremely limited, despite me still believing they are good people. Good people can still harbor bad views and exhibit poor behaviors though. It’s just how life is. 🤷‍♂️

[@ryncise]

The part where you have to decide how much these flaws mean to you really hit me. I guess I never really thought of it that way. I've always been trying to convince myself that they're actually good people, and they just "don't understand it." But I know that's never really going to happen, most they'll change is being passive-aggressive towards stuff like LGBTQ+ rights, instead of outright hating on the community. It's really up to ourselves to decide what we'll do with the relationship.

[@katbairwell]

I can only imagine that there's a whole world of emotion wrapped up in this for you. I do hope things improve for you, you may find that once you are out from under "my house, my rules" your relationship changes into something that respects you as a whole person, I very much hope so. I just saw your comment, and wanted to say that you are seen, that your sense of injustice is valid. It is hard to tell if people are god or bad, because I'm afraid they aren't - I wish they were, it would make life less deeply confusing - your parents are part good, part bad, part neither. If I may suggest (as a neurodivergent forty-something who has had to face these kind of issues (though not with parents)), what matters right now, is if they are good or bad people *towards you*, your LBGTQ+ allyship (or membership, either way, we're delighted to have you) means a lot, and no doubt you will make differences to lives as you go through yours, but right now your obligation is to you, the weight of the world can wait. Very best wishes, much love, you have got this.

[@Jupiter-ng1yi]

@@katbairwell yeah. The last time we fought was a couple days ago and I finally realized and admitted, “why does dad see us as work, and not people?” Sometimes it feels like my parents see me as a checkpoint in their list of to-dos, not a person they genuinely want to spend time with. I appreciate the love though :)

[@katbairwell]

@@Jupiter-ng1yi I'm sorry for it, but you are in the right place for love, and support, so many compassionate, generous people in this community, reach out if you're struggling

[@salamanda11]

Oh my goodness, last OP is clearly not the golden child or the AH! She didn’t do anything wrong by being born on Christmas or needing extra care AS AN INFANT. And it’s unacceptable that the sister can’t see that. It’s totally understandable that OP blew up after being actively deprioritized for years and years.

[@SiaShar]

Thanks Shaaba for another video! Love the Monday's "fishing for a**holes" vids! I disagree with ESH for the last one. 1. If OP is to be believed, she has EVERY right to tell them off and seeing how at that moment they were guilt tripping her for something she had no control over and rubbing very harshly rubbing salt into her abandonment wounds, she had EVERY right to snap. They made her emotional so she cannot be an AH for getting motional. She told them how she felt, something that she has been bottling up for years of conditioned guilt. How does that make her an AH? 2. Agree that everyone except the OP as AHs, toxic family and I doubt that they can have a sisterly bond or a family bond here. This was not about competing with trauma, this was about a LONG LONG continuous trauma for OP that has never stopped. It has never become "the past", her sister had a "single child who now has to share" problem for a couple of years when she was little. They only have 2 years difference, her sis was like 3 or 4 years old when she was suffering this huge trauma. I'm sure the parents didn't handle this right, and didn't get the sister involved in caring for her new sibling and bring her into all the activity and made her truly feel abandoned but that is on the parents. This does NOT however warrant the YEARS of neglect that happened to OP. When we say "compete in trauma" we mean we compete in who had it worse, and I totally agree, it's a stupid thing to do. The point is, for OP, she wasn't competing, this is her NOW, this is her ongoing pain, something that is actively happening to her now, not in the past and she screamed from pain cause it hurts right now. IT's not like they started to celebrate her birthdays or anything else and the sister is obviously still using her once traumatic childhood to now milk the situation. Just to add about therapy and them building a strong bond... I can almost guarantee that this will not happen. Therapy is for those who can accept that they need it. There is no way in hell, this family will accept that they are hurting OP, that they are doing something wrong (as evidenced by the fact that (a) through out the years NO ONE called them out on hurting their youngest child and being sooo unreasonable with her so the whole family is no better and they fuel each other (b) they are now all not talking to her and the parents are not asking her why she hated them, they are not worried that their daughter is in so much pain that she hates her entire family.... noooo they are worried for the "fragile" sister cause heaven forbid she might think they love their other daughter too. Let's not forget that the older sister is now 34! and her neglect happened around THIRTY years ago with nothing but 100% favouritism and dedicated attention for the remainder of the time. So yeah, the only TRUE AHs here are the parents and well, probably the rest of the family who watched. The older sister is this way because they raised her to be that way, so they conditioned her to be an AH but the OP is defo not. sorry for a ramble, just to layout all my biases and where I'm coming from: - I'm a 32f single child - raised by practically single mother even though she is still married to my father - was probs spoiled as a child, now that I look back - have a degree in child psychology with focus on prepubescence sexual pathologies. - have LOTS of friends who were the "neglected child" and those who were the "Golden child" p.s. If I were to venture a guess diagnosis of the older sister I would say it's a form of Munchausen's syndrome, where emotional wounds are used to manipulate instead of causing physical illness. She does need therapy but she will not agree to it herself and since all the family members are feeding into it, she will never be forced to fac it either.

[@mikaylaeager7942]

Totally agree that the ultimate assholes are the parents, but even if the sister’s actions are rooted in conditioning and trauma it still doesn’t excuse taking that out on her little sister, particularly as a grown adult with a family of her own. If you use your hurt to justify hurting others that still makes you the asshole.

[@v3ru586]

I have adhd and I can admit that adhd paralysis is real. In my case it was always explained with me being lazy. So I pushed through, forcing myself to do what I don't feel like doing. I was reassured that's how everyone feels. Here's the issue. When I force myself to work despite this inner blockade as it feels, my brain would just freeze up. I can't remember something that I know I know. I make mistakes, without realising, I remember doing something I didn't do, I read something but I see something else from what's written. And whenever I describe it like this, I get punished for making excuses instead of accepting the consequences of my actions. I didn't improve until my mom slipped up, gave me the info I needed to find an expert for adhd and started meds and therapy. I wonder if bf has similar issues, maybe he can improve his adhd with training and medication. And if his parents support him financially, some of that money needs to go towards rent.

[@salamanda11]

I’m so sorry we live in a world where the first response is “you’re lazy/making excuses” when it should be “do you need help?” I imagine the bf might be in a similar position. Regardless of the reason, it’s still a problem that he isn’t making rent after they discussed how it makes OP uncomfortable and they set a boundary. If he can’t get a job and the money from his parents doesn’t cover the rent, then maybe he shouldn’t be living with OP.

[@v3ru586]

@@salamanda11 my parents were told that I won't need help with my ADHD, because I'm intellectually gifted and I can just compensate with that. That's the reason they still oppose my treatment. With op's boyfriend getting money (and probably support) from his parents, I can imagine that they were told the opposite, that he has adhd, so he needs all the help he needs. As a first step, the bf needs to find out, where he falls on the spectrum between "doesn't need help at all" and "needs help with everything". Maybe he'll be surprised himself by how much he's capable of. However, if the bf isn't willing to go this first step, then he needs a caregiver, and he shouldn't expect his gf doing that job, or paying for it

[@katharineeavan9705]

I think it's worth noting that the "course correction" wasn't to heap affection on the sister, it was to address behavioural issues and the excuses given for neglecting OP were about stuff like therapy appointments. It's TOTALLY possible for OP to be the golden child while also getting far less attention if all the attention levelled at her sister was with the idea that her sister was troubled or needed extra attention because she was difficult. This means OP has to deal with both being the "good one" and also being neglected, while her sister has to deal with everyone seeing her as the broken one who might snap at any moment. My sister will freely admit to being the golden child growing up because she was the "easy" one while I needed a lot of attention. This meant her feeling neglected and unseen, while I felt like I was always misunderstood and difficult. Neither role is fun, and there will always be a feeling of being hard done by no matter which role you end up in. (No hate to my mum, she did her best, but one parent household on very low income with undiagnosed ADHD and Autism in the mix... yeah) Also, with the "everyone came to sister's graduation" thing, it's not fair for them to treat sisters so differently, but that could well come from the sister bouncing around the houses as a young child and forming closer connections with the extended family while OP was their parents' focus.

[@16poetisa]

Oh wow. This is exactly how it was when I was growing up. I was the "good", "quiet", "easy" child while my sister always needed more hands-on attention. On the other hand, most of the attention my parents had to give was negative, so I worked hard to avoid it, and hated how my parents always compared my sister's grades to mine.

[@sinimeg]

In the third one, OP has the right to hate everyone in that room and say it because she was treated the worst. She doesn’t owe them love or good feelings after being treated like that, if they don’t like it that’s their problem, OP was just being honest about her feelings 🤷 NTA for me

[@markgrey5360]

Same.

[@carr0760]

Exactly! It's quite clear that OP has been neglected and treated like crap for their entire life, so why wouldn't you hate those people? You don't have to love them just because they're "family."

[@kazzieheart]

Agreed no one has to be the bigger person especially when they’re treated like OP.

[@salamanda11]

This!!

[@zamithemyth440]

I don´t think that OP nr. 3 is in a trauma competition with her sister. It sounds like the parents neglected the older sister while taking care of OP for the first three years of her life and then overcorrected, prioritizng the older sibling to "make up" for what happened. I think the parents encourage the older sisters habit of blaming everything on OP so that they don´t have to take accountability for their own mistakes. So OP ended up being the scapegoat for the entire family, which helps the other three to maintain and strengthen their bond. They know it might be dangerous for them if OP and her sister got along, it would expose their shortcomings and it seems like they´d rather sacrafice OPs standing in the family than having to face some consequences for their actions. It´s so sad to me that OP still thinks of herself as the golden child. Sounds like they are gaslighting her into believing she´s the problem, when a sick infant in need of care can never be the problem. This is on the parents but also on the sister. She´s an adult now, old enough to reflect on how the parents failed both of them. I understand that as a child the whole situation must´ve been difficult for her but there is no excuse for her enabeling the abuse of her younger sibling anymore. I totally understand OPs outburst and am kind of suprised by your reaction? I don´t understand how OP is the asshole here. This is a person who has been so severly abused that she has internalized the narrative of being the problem, when she is in fact the victim. Many people, who have suffered abuse find themselves in this position at some point, blaming themselves, when in reality they haven´t done anything to deserve such horrible treatment. I think her yelling at her family was actually a good thing because it was her standing up for herself and finally directing her frustration outward, to those who hurt her. Yeah, what she said might sound harsh but I understand why she´d feel this way about them. And everyone ignoring her afterwards is just further proof of the abuse. No one seems to worried about OP or their relationships with her. They are ignoring her, probably until she calms down/apologizes. Everything to protect their abusive dynamic. NTA, yelling at your abusers is not the same as being a victim of abuse.

[@mikaylaeager7942]

Yes! Yes! Yes! I really want Shabba to see this!

[@jofawkes]

For the last story: OP is not an AH, the sister is an AH for not seeing that you have suffered AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE!Shaaba, she was asking OP to APOLOGIZE FOR BEING BORN. I thought she said her sister had therapy?! OP needs therapy now. And obviously, the parents are the BIGGEST AH in this situation. As for OP, she yelled at everyone, didn't specifically blame her sister, and even if she did her sister started it this time around.

[@hanamachii_]

For the ice cube dispenser, it's unlikely her cold drinks are taking up the space because of it. They're usually in the freezer section, not the fridge, and the water and cube dispensers are also on the freezer side. He was still the AH, however no matter what her drinks would be taking up fridge space.

[@HumbleWooper]

For the drinks in the fridge story... OP is definitely YTA. He could have taken all her drinks out to fit the groceries in, then squeezed a few in wherever they'd fit afterward. If they're single serving bottles, some can probably be tucked in corners or laid on top of other food packages. Even just two or three cold bottles of whatever is probably enough to last her until more can chill, and she could rotate the rest in gradually as she drinks the cold ones. Best of both worlds.

[@easjer]

That was going to be my compromise suggestion. It is convenient, but unnecessary for all the drinks to be in the fridge. Pick a spot, rotate in and out. As someone who prefers cold bottle/can to ice, there is a workable system here.

[@krankarvolund7771]

For the second one, personally I don't really care for ice cubes, but if I was in that situation of "there's no more space because the drinks are in the fridge", I would take out as much as needed, while letting at least two or three bottles in the fridge and signal it to my SO "There was no palce left in the fridge, I've let you two bottles in it, we'll put the rest back when we've ate some groceries". Like, it's not that hard to communicate that there was a place problem, without going back on an argument you had all that time ago ^^'

[@salamanda11]

I agree! It’s such a simple solution! Prioritize what needs to be kept cold, and then keep as many drinks that will fit.

[@anniespring8986]

I think it’s actually quite common in a family dynamic where one child is favored unintentionally or intentionally over the other for the child who is favored to still think they have things worse. Something about being on top makes them feel like the affection is a competition (which it may be) so they will view any attention the other sibling gets as competition for their place and always feel unstable in that dynamic while the less favored child is very aware they are less favored and doesn’t have the power to fight the dynamic. This is just a theory based on my experience and some of my friends experiences that I saw growing up but it seems like it would apply to the situation.

[@mikaylaeager7942]

I can’t disagree with you more on that last one! OP is definitely NOT the asshole… I don’t think it’s appropriate to call someone the asshole for not expressing their emotions absolutely perfectly. Her sister was being a textbook emotionally manipulative asshole (perhaps this was because of trauma but that’s not an excuse for hurting others). OP stood up for herself (something it sounds like she hadn’t done before) and her whole family dismissed her feelings and accused her of being the asshole!

[@sarahbelk1936]

Say it louder for the people in the BACK

[@voidallen7030]

With the sisters, my judgement all depends on one crucial bit of information. Was OP’s sister aware of the fact that it was actually *her* that was getting the special treatment, and if so did she enjoy that attention/milk it for all it was worth? Because judging by the post it kinda sounds like she did. If that’s the case, then the sister is absolutely the AH. She’s so used to getting everything she wants that even as a grown ass adult she’s still milking that attention for all it’s worth, taking cheap shots at OP while she’s at it I’ve had shit like this happen to people I’m super close with so I probably have a huge bias, but stories like that just boil my blood and I have huge huge sympathy for OP

[@christinakyleloves]

Love you Shaaba!!🩷🩷🍑🍑 Edit to add: Ice cube dispenser uses part of the freezer space, not the fridge space. But the dude is still the Fridge AH!!

[@dogwoodleaf]

Ahh, that last one was tough. I grew up with a twin sister who suffers from debilitating health issues and has had a really tough time through school and now, after we’ve graduated. I knew my problems were smaller and not in the forefront of our mom’s mind, but it didn’t make me feel much better to know and understand that. Our mom always reads books on my sister’s conditions and researches hard to understand her, but I’ve never once seen her crack open a book about GAD, ADHD, or being trans (things I have grappled with for a long time). My sister has a tendency to say cruel things to me, my dog, and will often resort to guilt-trips to get me to do what she wants. Like, “you would go here/do this if you loved me” sort of stuff. My mom usually takes her side or no side at all in this sort of interaction. I know life is extremely difficult for my sister, and I really don’t hold this stuff against her. But it’s tough to deal with the feelings that brings when she calls me a coward for not going to Ikea with her, you know? Um. Anyway. Rant over, I guess, lmao. This stuff gets complicated and it’s hard to pin blame on anybody for messy family dynamics. I don’t think OP was the asshole; it’s definitely complex and shitty to deal with all that.

[@IsisAlv]

the first one: not the same, but i get where op comes from. living with someone who's not as financially responsible as you can be stressful and feels like disrespect. my ex also had ADHD, and they had a hard time keeping a budget, even though she had enough for the bills. it put a lot of strain in the relationship and we ended things up. you don't have to feel guilty for being the responsible one, and you're not being a nag when you hold them accountable. i hope op knows that

[@jellybeans3994]

13:26 The last one is a NTA moment. As someone who was born two weeks early and very sick for the first few months, my parents did have to pay me a lot of attention. This is something I couldn't help. Older siblings, if explained to them properly, will understand that this isn’t favouritism, but a temporary necessity.

[@maddy2019]

My family had a similar situation, where my younger brother (we are 3 yrs apart) was born with kidney failure. I am the oldest and so I was used to having all of my parent's attention and so when my brother was born everything got messy for everyone. My brother spent the first three months of his life with my parents in the hospital which left me with nannies, nurses, and occasionally grandparents. My brother was able to get a transplant, and other than a few medical scares and some nutrition deficiencies, he is now very healthy. Obviously, this caused lots of trauma for the whole family, but I could never blame my younger brother for medical issues completely out of his control. My parents did a pretty good job at raising us as equally as possible (different but equally) and I just wanted to share this as a win for situations like these because they are awful and do cause a lot of trauma. I was lucky enough to be able to go to therapy as young as six years old up until today, which has helped me tremendously. Moral of the story go to therapy 👍👍

[@salamanda11]

I can’t believe how spicy the comments are for the fridge one! The solution here was so simple: prioritize what HAS to be cold (milk, veggies, etc), and only leave in as many drinks as will fit. I definitely don’t see how OP was abusing his parents’ generosity. They offered them a fridge, OP and gf didn’t choose a particular one, so they got them one with an ice maker. Also the ice cube maker uses freezer space, not fridge space. This doesn’t have to be a big deal.

[@cazi1326]

Hey, Shaaba. A 4.0 is literally a perfect grade. Along with the fact that OP had a double major and four academic awards, OP worked _hard_ in school, and no one but their parents attended their graduation.

[@IdaMSG]

My brother got a brain hemorrhage when he was 5 (I was 6). I grew up being the forgotten one and he was the golden one. And still is. (We are 32 and 33 now) I NEVER blamed him. It's my parents fault. My mother has tried multiple times to create drama in between us but has always failed because of our strong bond. ❤️

[@zhenia2511]

I'd say that in the last situation people who suck the most are parents. They raised their children with the weird idea that being hurt is the only way to get parental love and attention. No wonder both of these siblings are so obsessed with trauma competition, their existence seems to *only* matter when trauma is involved. And I don't think the Redditor who's comment Shaaba read is right about OP's sister being the real golden child. I think that the parents had a somewhat bipolar style of parenting when , depending on the time period, one child is taken care of and the other is neglected.

[@ZombieMinion1992]

The problem is after OP got well enough they fully shifted their attention to her sister. She WAS the golden child for years because she got the attention, she got the good treatment, and she was the one loved. OP was ignored and not celebrated, she was only given the care and attention she needed because she was ill as a child. Imagine being sick and the second you are well no one acknowledges your birthday or achievements and lavishes your sibling with praise and care. It's messed up. It looks like OP was browbeat into believing her rainbow baby status is why she was given any attention at all and that she is somehow at fault.

[@zhenia2511]

@@ZombieMinion1992 It's possible to have a sick newborn without neglecting your two-year old. The sister is not wrong for finding injustice in the original situation. OP is not wrong for finding injustice in the way things turned out to be either. She indeed stopped being a "golden child" where parents realised what their neglectful attitude has done to their eldest. That's what I was talking about in my original comment: both of them were "golden children" when they experienced hardship , but faced abandonment the moment they stopped needing immediate assistance. Because the attention the sister received was prompted by a bout of illness too, the parents *used* the sister's condition to deny OP's basic needs. And the same was the case in their early childhood, only in reverse: OP's "miracle baby" status and poor physical health was *used* to deny OP's sister care. In conclusion, I stand by my earlier comment. Both and neither of them are golden children. The parents are just incapable of balancing out the sibling dynamic and created a bipolar sort of parenting, where one of the kids is inevitably neglected in the favour of the other and who's the neglected one changes depending on the time period.

[@gymnasticsgirlie0647]

@@zhenia2511 Please don't use "bipolar" as a term in this situation. Bipolar Disorder is a condition which involves manic highs and depressive lows, and that is the only context it should be used in. It is not a synonym for a person that can go from 0-100 in a second, or for someone that is fickle, or in the context you used it in. Same for saying "I'm sooo OCD" because you like to organize your pens in color order, or any other misuse of psychological terms. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it waters down the severity of the actual disorders and stigmatizes them because it warps society's view of them. This makes it harder for sufferers to recognize their symptoms, prompting them to see a therapist for diagnosis, and also makes them prone to invalidation from society. I'm speaking as someone that didn't know I was displaying OCD symptoms for 1 and 1/2 years because my presentation doesn't fit society's view of it.

[@zhenia2511]

@@gymnasticsgirlie0647 Oh, I didn't mean it as a reference to the mental health condition, obviously. I meant it as an adjective: something that has two extreme ends.

[@gymnasticsgirlie0647]

@@zhenia2511 I know, but that was my point. Bipolar is not an adjective. Neither is OCD. If you're using it as an adjective, it's automatically incorrect.

[@katbairwell]

This the only AITA content I have anything to do with, and it is because it is driven by compassion, not prurience, not to pile on to "justified" targets (no one here needs telling, but to avoid confusion, there are no justified targets of a pile on, it is done solely for the edification of the mob, and helps nobody). As always, Shaaba, you make this a wonderful place for people to be able to share their own experiences, and knowledge. I came away with something every video, and am deeply grateful for it.

[@ChibiRandom13]

4.0 in school in the usa is basically a perfect score, like over 90s all through schooling. Also two of these AITA really hit hard for me lmao. The adhd paralysis one is smth I'm dealing with now plus isolating myself from depression, and I often feel like a mooch on my parents (i'm really truly not, if i was paid for the jobs i do for them i would be getting paid at least minimum wage twice over. and I do multiple other jobs that being paid by someone else i would make. A Lot of money. But i still spend quite a bit of time hiding in the basement) and I have a hard time advocating for myself and my sister has gotten me a job so that I can have money of my own so I actually eat and stuff since I've been guilted so incredibly hard into believing I'm a mooch here. Sorry this is just some background for what I mean to say. Barring the concept of me not paying rent, if i was being paid 1k a month by my parents and I was late on rent I would do my best to save up and pay that person back, gf or not. So him blowing up about it feels... very entitled? Secondly, with the "golden child" one. My sister and I have both been treated as the "golden child" throughout our lives (not this extreme) as long as we were. well, easily controlled? When we were very young I was, bc i was smart and quiet, while my sister was loud and sometimes violent (you know regular kid things lmfao). As we got older, my sister was, bc she was stronger than me and very good at sports and things necessary on a farm. Like here, parents didn't come to my sports games, but they did come to some other things. Until college it stayed that way, and when we dropped out, i became the golden child again bc I moved home and became parent's farmhand and my college didn't cost much while sister's cost a lot. My sister and I became friends in college once we realized how manipulative our parents were with that. And now that I have a job again, parents don't like me again lol. Once again background for my opinion on this which is simply that: these women are 30 year olds and still letting their parents control them the way they did as kids. I definitely see this more as justified a hole, blowing up on your whole family when you could simply say "actually i won't apologize bc altho the stuff that happened when you were 2 sucks for you, I was also medically unstable, and our parents have long made up for it don't you think?" (altho that might start a fight anyway lol) tell parents + sister specifically later that you are done being disrespected so thoroughly by family, then leave and never talk to those ppl again. Everyone has a right to their anger, but blowing up on people, especially if those people just weren't invited to your events and had no idea this was going on, isn't usually the way to go. Obviously sometimes you can't control it so i would just deal with what happens happens and apologize for saying you hate everyone to the ppl you actually still do care about. I don't really see how these sisters could overcome this, especially now that OP has blown up, its clear older sister is happy to stay in the victimized role and that all of parents attention are on them. They now have even more reason to be seen as the "golden child" in parent's eyes and will likely revel in it. Older sister has been throwing basically tantrums since a young age and getting her way with their parents, unless she wants OP in her life or realizes this about herself there is no way that this can change. And if older sister never changes her ways - or the parents altho their parenting has already screwed up their kids - OP's resentment will remain, unless she removes herself from the situation and works through it with a therapist. (also sorry for the long comment, these situations kinda overwhelmed me with how similar yet different they are from my own)

[@silverghostcat1924]

As far as the drinks go, I was wondering how many she had in the fridge. If it was two or three twelve packs, I could see him taking some out to make room but taking them all out was an AH move. Maybe have an adult conversation about her being able to keep some drinks in the fridge but not all.

[@Persepholeigh]

I think in the situation for person 3, just in that moment, the sister openly guilting OP into making them apologise for existing, and not a single person in the room saying anything, I think they're perfectly justified in flipping their shit. I would have, too. I can't comment on anything else in their lives, but no matter what happened, that wasn't okay.

[@BookishLovely]

When my husband and I first started living together I was very immature and financially irresponsible and often spent all my money before paying him for rent. He also took on my student loans and at one point I owed him over $4000. The way that we solved that is that we got a joint bank account before we got married and he controlled the finances and gave me an allowance that I could do whatever I wanted with (he is very financially responsible and it allowed me to pay my fair share painlessly and still have play money, which works for us but I recognize that it will definitely not work for everyone) Thanks to this arrangement, we have been married for 4 years and just bought a house and are building up a pretty nice nest egg for a child in the future!

[@coasttocoast2011]

Totally agree with you on the last one Shaaba, while my mum didn’t have a miscarriage she struggled to get pregnant (she had an undiagnosed thyroid condition) after having my older brother so there is 8 years between us but she has gone out her way to make sure we are treated equally. OP and sister (especially sister if she is still blaming OP for being born on Christmas Day after 32 years, like OP could really control it) both need some therapy

[@clueingforbeggs]

10:46 - my thoughts exactly. Sister's the golden child and projecting.

[@SpeedyShimeji]

As someone who has a bad case of ADHD and has been trying to get it diagnosed for years (it's difficult to follow through with the process till the end when I also have ten other important things to do on my list), I have never once not had my rent ready to go in the five years and I've been doing this. When you have an income, whether it's from a job you work or elsewhere, money goes into rent first. How does this guy just spend 1k every month and then shrug his shoulders at his gf and go "oh sorry babe I forgot"? I've lived with people like this and I'm angry for OP's sake.

[@mpearson1280]

For the first story, maybe the OP could reach out to bf’s parents to explain the situation. I am sure that they are expecting the rent to come from his allowance. Perhaps OP could Venmo the parents instead and they could send him the difference.

[@jennivamp5]

I read the ice cube fridge one when it was posted 😂 also, ice cubes keep already cold drinks cold while you drink them. Trying to use ice cubes to cool down a drink is inefficient and gives you a watery ass drink.

[@undefinederror40404]

When Shaaba said "just hug!" About the last one, the idea of hugging that older sister almost made me gag. She is a terrible and extremely selfish person, she has made the entire family cast OP out for their entire life (after the medical treatment as a baby) and still doesn't see how much of a cartoon villain she is. Honestly, I get that Shaaba is family oriented and very in favor of nurturing sibling bonds, but this one is too far gone. Someone that toxic should be cut out of your life asap, it's clear nothing can fix this because the older sibling has had therapy and is still this stuck in her fake version of their life. The audacity to demand an apology from the person that did not have their family there at important events and was denied all forms of presents because of you.

[@ShieldofApollo]

I feel bad for both siblings in the last story. My younger sister and I are both rainbow babies. I was born and still deal with a severe disability. This isn't something I am just saying. It is just a thing I deal with. When I was younger, many of my family, including my sister Jught, considered me a party child who wanted to do anything. Later, I explained to my younger sister that I did not understand how the world works. I always feel that being in a larger group freaks me out. She thinks I am so calm around everything because I am so stressed out all the time that I don't know how to feel or act like the world would not end in a matter of moments. She understands that I love her, and I hate that she decided to be more of a mother to me than her own mother. But even with all that, we still really care for each other. Sometimes, I would do something socially wrong, mostly because I forgot it wasn't pleasant. And that I am always trying to be better. Right now, I am trying to get a disability. Wish me luck.

[@thelittlestpika]

That's a spicy title but understandable. My sister is also the "golden child" and takes advantage of it to bully me because I'm the one who gets in trouble when she starts it. Edit: Now that I heard the story, I agree with Shaaba, everyone sucks in that situation.

[@bitchenboutique6953]

Oh god. Do my sisters think I’m the “golden child” when I’ve spent my whole life thinking they were golden children?? I just learned of that “rainbow baby” thing and I didn’t know until about ten years ago that there was a lost pregnancy between my sister and me (which explains the age gap) and that sister openly says that I ruined her life when I was born… she says it like she thinks it’s funny, but… yeah. Not. But wow that third one with the sisters has me thinking. Hmm.

[@eleakolari8274]

i agree with you on the fridge situation. One good way to have more space would be keeping just a few drinks in the fridge so that there's a cold drink if you want it and it wouldn't take up as much space though. i wonder how they did't think of that...

[@thedatabase677]

I agree with your verdict on the last story, especially with the acknowledgement that the parents are the biggest AH out of everyone. I get that parenthood is hard, but if you can somehow manage to make neither child feel loved and seen while they both believe the other was, then you really should have been getting help with how to be fairer parents.

[@heatherbaker3903]

One thing to consider, for the first story, is that rent and bills do not always have to be divided 50/50. If one person's income is higher than the other and matching contributions would leave one person without any personal money at all... a split of 2/3 to 1/3 or 75% to 25% could be considered, depending on the circumstances. But, the girlfriend deserves to have some sort of financial commitment from the boyfriend that she can count on for rent/bills/food.

[@powderandpaint14]

If the partner is completely unable to work due to his ADHD then he should be on disability benefits. I know they are difficult to get in the US and often rake a few tries, but it's necessary. Now if he's getting £1000 a month from his parents he should be contributing his half of the rent and if he refuses then he can't keep living with her. End of story.

[@ameliab324]

I feel so, SO sad for the sisters...how can someone be dumb or cruel enough to decide to 'fix' neglection trauma in one kid by causing it in the other kid? It's just horrifying, these people are clearly awful parents and both sisters should realize that instead of attacking each other.

[@jadziajan]

Oof. The responses to the issue of not being able to work due to ADHD (or any disability really) seem very oversimplified here to me and a little hurtful. It's not as easy as "have ADHD? Get treatment." Does the boyfriend have an official diagnosis? Is he perhaps part of a group that is more likely to be at a disadvantage to obtain a fair diagnosis? Is he seeking one? Those are all extremely important if he's going to need treatment or benefits. Not only that, but working through your struggles with adapting to a work environment AND the direct view it gives you through the unfairness of capitalism can take a lot of time and require a lot of help. Now - in this very situation, with 1k a month, it seems that the bf is the asshole for not being more responsible with his money. Like you pointed out, he might have a skewed view of the power balance at play. But everything that's been said about how to deal with his ADHD here seems, again, oversimplified. Quite honestly anyone who says "I did it so you can do it" is a red flag to me. Not everyone's disorders present in the same way, not anyone has the same experience with them, *and* there's always the chance that there's more going on and he hasn't figured it out yet. I know many people with ADHD who thrive at work - they're just obviously not in the same situation as this guy.

[@vallentinac9513]

This this this absolutely this!

[@salamanda11]

I agree it’s oversimplifying to say “I have ADHD and I did xyz, so he can too!” I definitely think the problem is that he isn’t holding up his end of the deal with his girlfriend, after she expressed that she’s uncomfortable having him owe her money. Whatever the reason, that’s a problem. Maybe he needs to live with his parents if he can’t afford rent with his girlfriend? (Though they just signed another lease, so she might be stuck with the full rent if he leaves.) He’s putting her in a difficult position, even though his disability isn’t his fault.

[@Nortarachanges]

@@salamanda11, yeah he may not be able to hold down a job (I was fired for being late too many times and couldn’t find a job after because of that, so I understand it happens) but I still think he is wrong for signing a lease and then getting mad at her for not being happy to shoulder the whole check alone

[@mrsgendered]

The sibling one feels less like trauma competition and more like OP hasn’t ever had their feelings validated while their sister has had ever single negative emotion addressed by the parents NTA but your parents suck and you all need therapy

[@KacielNolwen]

For that last one I have to say NTA. OP went through years and years of neglect and even now as an adult the sister is playing the victom card and everyone is taking her side? It's easy to look at that from the outside and say to hug and make up but it sounds to me like those sisters were never close and OP has drifted away from their family in a huge way due to previously mentioned years of neglect. I totally understand why they blew up like that. Was it nice? no. Was it the mature thing to do? No. Was it completely understandable after years of no support from your family and taking the blame for your sister being difficult / having trauma? Yes. Absolutely yes. My younger brother had a lot of medical issue as a child as well as being on the spectrum and I don't hate him for having had more attention growing up he very clearly needed extra help. It's insane to me that this woman is looking at her sister that way like she voluntarily was born on Christmas with health issues. Inasne. You're an adult, grow up.

[@16poetisa]

Assuming that ADHD boyfriend isn't being manipulative, it makes sense he'd be touchy discussing finances if that's a particular weakness of his. Shame can make it really hard But if he needs help budgeting so that he can pay OP his part of the rent, he should ask for it! If he really can't get it together on this front, then OP should go directly to the parents paying his allowance. But that's a bit of a nuclear option. OTOH, if I were the boyfriend, I would actually find it helpful if my parents subtracted my share of the rent from my allowance and paid it to OP or the landlord directly. If I was that unable to do it myself, at least that way the rent would get paid 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@SouthernBell86]

You got the last story wrong Shaaba. The older sister expectec OP to apologize for being born. That's completely unhinged.

[@cecile436]

Maybe, just maybe, the parents should have gone to therapy, possibly the whole family and not just the older sister. I think my older brother always resented me in some way because I took away some of the attention he had, and that it's why he did all he could to make my life miserable when we were children. It's much better since I moved in another country though XD

[@katharineeavan9705]

Strongly agree. Being singled out as being a problem child at such a young age is probably a big part of why the sister feels OP is the golden child. Therapy is usually a good thing, but priority should have been on building her bond with her baby sibling in their new family formation, not placing the problem in her and reshaping everything to address how bad and messed up she is (which is definitely how a lot of children would interpret being sent for therapy and handled with kid gloves while no-one else has to go, especially as OPs description implies this carried on throughout their childhood and possibly teen years). So now, instead of being able to place the issue as a sh*tty situation that was handled poorly and doesn't need to be a lifelong problem, the sister sees herself as broken and OP as the thing that broke her

[@zard5930]

I really wanna know what the sisters therapist said to the parents crossing out OP's birthday because the sister felt bad. No sane therapist would recommend that

[@MagentaDinosaurs]

On that first story I definitely got a bit triggered, because I'm kind of in the same boat as the boyfriend; I have ADHD and probably autism and have never been able to hold down a job for long, and honestly just existing in this world is so much, I can't describe how overwhelming it is always. Also used to live with a partner and they worked full time while I just floundered on unemployment, but I always made sure I paid the bills with the money I had. Its okay to struggle with all of these things but its not okay to be a manipulative asshole about it and take advantage of your partner in the process.

[@jamestown8398]

Golden Child Story: I disagree. This story is NTA; the sister sucks, OP does not. “Don’t celebrate my sister’s birthday!” “Don’t go to my sister’s graduation!” There’s no way she didn’t have a choice. OP is an adult, she should go no-contact with these horrible people. Tell her “You wish I was never born, so now you get your wish.”

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

Wow, the last one. *Ill people need looking after.* I understood that at the age of two. My mum had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for 12 years, and got better when I was around five. When I was little, she couldn't give me all her energy and attention all the time because of this illness. But did I grow up resentful? Absolutely not. I might not have fully understood when I was little, but I didn't get upset about it. Because my mum couldn't be there as much, my grandma was. So the parents needed to focus on the younger sibling for a while because the younger sibling was very ill? Yeah, great. Obviously, kids will vie for attention to an extent, but in situations where someone's life is in danger, you come together as a family. I find it so hard to understand why the sister seems to care so little that her younger sibling was very ill. If my younger sister had been that ill, my priority would also have been my sister. I'd have wanted to be there for her.

[@lucienmyette6205]

Jeeze that first story really sounded like the relationship I just got out of. Thank you for your bit at the end. I’ve been feeling like a horrible person who abandoned my ex, and hearing you say it like that gave me a bit of a new perspective on things. So thank you so so much.

[@MirandolinaAmaldin]

My thoughts on the first story are that maybe while he may get approximately 1000$ every month from his parents it could be that the money comes in form of presents rather than a clear agreement of him getting a kind of allowance from them. That absolutely doesn't justify him budgeting his money to make sure that he can pay his rent but it would make sense for him to say that he doesn't have a fixed income

[@JennaGetsCreative]

Golden child sisters: I completely forgive OP's response and say everyone ELSE sucks here. Sister hasn't realized that she herself was the golden child for most of their overlapping childhood years, that the diverted attention in OP's early life was neither of their fault and nobody is equipped to deal with that cleanly, and that their parents overcompensated in a way that left OP in the dust. The parents also don't seem to have realized that they've played favourites for their entire parenthood of two children and that they seem to actually blame OP for being a sick baby. Edit to add- I've noticed this sort of thing come up a lot on your reactions, Shaaba, and I think it reveals a rather wonderful thing about your past but it also reveals natural blinders. Every time there's a story where someone has been treated horribly by family for a long time and they finally lash out, you lean to ESH and put some blame on the victim / want to give the family a second chance / say something along the lines of "but they're still your family." This shows that you never experienced that kind of family-afflicted trauma and I'm so genuinely happy for you for that, but it means you don't see how much those family members sometimes deserve way worse than the outbursts the OPs eventually delivery, and that sometimes cutting off family is the healthiest thing to do.

[@euca8704]

For the last one, I think some of the commenters were missing the fact that the older sister WAS a forgotten child, between the ages of 2 and 3 when OP was first born. She's still an AH here because she is wrongly blaming OP who was a literal baby but I think it's understandable that she has been very impacted long term by something that happened in such a formative/vulnerable time.

[@BubblyRainbows]

I would just like to point out for the ice cube dispenser story that ice cube dispensers take up space in the freezer, not the fridge. And yes, it was petty and sort of AH behavior to take out _all_ of the drinks from the fridge. But it was kind of silly to have them all in there to begin with. When you have limited fridge space, the best way to do it (in my opinion) is to put two or three drinks in the fridge, and any time you take a cold one out, put a warm one in so that it chills. It uses up less space that way, and do you really need to chill an entire 12-pack of pop or whatever all at once? Unless you're prone to drinking that much in a very short span, it makes no sense to use up all the space that way.

[@geeky_sasha6813]

I agree it seems like the older sister was actually the golden child since her younger sister was ignored and pushed aside (no birthday celebrations? Even a day before or after? Wtf?). It’s a less dramatic situation but I’m significantly younger than the rest of my siblings and have frequently had it thrown in my face that I “had it easier”. Sure in a lot of ways I did, but that wasn’t my fault and doesn’t mean I didn’t have my own struggles. I agree with shabaa’s ESH verdict, but I understand why OP blew up.

[@auntlynnie]

The ice cube maker issue… it depends on how much real estate she’s taking up with drinks. My ex used to keep two 12-packs of soda (one seltzer, one Diet Coke) at all times. Sometimes, he’d pull the last few out of the box, put them on a shelf, and then put the new 12-pack in. That’s a LOT of space - certainly more than an ice cube maker.

[@thatdisabledprincess]

Based on the "golden child" title alone and as someone who was the family scapegoat with an abusive father, I did not expect to be on OP's side. I don't think OP is the golden child in any way, and I feel so bad that happened to them. I completely understand why they lost it and yelled as well. I think it's an ESH (minus the OP) situation.

[@claramarie7923]

I think OP #3 should reach out to the sister to explain her feelings/ validate the sister’s feelings/ try to mend things with the sister, but if that doesn’t work, she should maybe just cut the family out knowing that she tried but it wasn’t a positive relationship for anybody involved. I hope she and her sister can work it out and then talk to their parents about their upbringing. The parents are AHs or at least failed their children and can’t admit it, and OP and the sister are both acting like AHs because they’re both very hurt.

[@isalsaurusthelemon6512]

happy monday everyone! i hope you had a good day, and if not there’s always tomorrow 😊 you are loved ❤

[@Resilient_Sage88]

I can't call last OP an AH for the outburst because it sounds like one of those "long time coming" things like I can just imagine every event getting turned into this and before it was probably just passive aggressive jabs at OP but then to push it to basically "Apologize for existing" that's going too far. The parents suck the absolute most but OP for me is NTA.

[@julia2jules]

I hope the 2 sisters can sort their relationship. My granny was still so bitter and jealous about her younger brother when she was in her 90s! She felt overlooked when he was born and a few years later when he nearly died (pre antibiotics) he was a lovely man and I got the impression that my granny was an attention seeking pain that was getting far more than her share of parental attention.

[@PaniPunia]

For the third one - what exactly OP should apologize for? Being born? Her parents concentrating On new born, ill baby? "I'm so sorry for having the audacity to be premature, born on Christmas and landing In hospital before I could even talk. My bad."

[@emilymoran9152]

Regarding the first one: It's really hard to be in a situation where someone you care about has a legitimate physical or mental health issue...but is also not taking ANY steps that could help with that and allow them to be more independent. Because you want to be supportive, right? But it's really easy for resentment to build up on both sides. Person A may feel like person B is not taking the steps they need to be able to be healthier/happier/more independent (eg refusing therapy or treatment even if person A pays for it) and thus A is working harder than they should in the relationship - and oof, can it be a thing if that gets financial and person B is, for example, complaining of being too financially strapped to contribute to household expenses but is still eating out all the time or not saving the money they DO have. But person B is also likely to be unhappy, because being dependent on your partner is a really vulnerable and kind of infantalizing situation.

[@georginamakesstuff193]

The last story was kinda funny to me. I am in a similar position to OP. My sister regularly now says "you should be glad that you were no ones favourite it was harder for me". Etc. They all missed my 18th birthday to go to her graduation. This year im 25 they have chosen that day to scatter my nans ashes. It didnt occur to them that i would mind/they had forgotten about my birthday.

[@Moondymon23]

I cannot imagine not celebrating my kid's birthday even if it were to fall on a holiday. That right there was enough for me to know the parents are a-holes.

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

One of the best parts about Monday have a wonderful week shaaba and everyone 😀

[@CandySphynx]

I really want to say something bc of the last story. Sometimes being nice and being kind are very different things, but often when one tries to be perfectly nice to everyone, one ends up not being kind. Sometimes being kind means enforcing boundaries, and being fair. Calling the last OP an AH isn’t kind, or fair. Her sister did NOT deserve any grace after the way her whole family abandoned her.

[@hello_its_jo9951]

Oh the difference of magnitude and weight in ‘can I take my gf’s drinks out of the fridge’ vs ‘which one of us had greater childhood trauma’ 😂 that last one was difficult but ultimately I agree with what you’ve said. Though I feel for the OP in this situation as I have experienced what it’s like to be made to feel guilty for a situation you were born into as if it was your fault that you came along that way. Nobody should live their whole life making up for something they did not choose.

[@Eizlem]

Omg I relate so much with the golden child story here! My brother had very bad medical issues for the first couple years of his life (which also reared their ugly head 7 yrs later), while my mum had PPD at the same time. I am the oldest, and pretty autonomous for my age, so I moved to my Gran while my brother was medicalised. Thing is, I was old enough to remember the time when I was still an only child (I was 3-4 at the time) and resented him for (understandably) taking up all my parent’s attention. He also had a learning disability which took some time to be addressed, and some behavioral issues, and I was mostly left to my own devices. HOWEVER, from his POV, while he might have gotten attention for things that were (mostly) beyond his control, I was getting praise for my academic achievements (I’m more academically minded than he is) from parents and especially grandparents, making him feel inadequate and breeding resentment on his side. I also developed an ED in high school, and very bad social anxiety, which meant my parents were very worried about me, and my brother was left out. Now, I feel it’s gotten better with time, and we get along, but it’s taken us both looking back at our childhood and realise that we both had issues and our parents were doing their best to be fair, and they were not perfect at it (nobody is). Back to the AITA post, this family needs some self-reflection (the children are 30??) and the parents are the ones that are the most at fault in this situation.

[@creative_carrie]

My gosh, the last one! I'm the younger of 2 and we both feel like the other was the favourite, but we've talked about it and gotten emotional together, apologised to each other and said that our parents just did what they thought was best and it didn't work the way they wanted. My sister is still miffed that she missed out on a sleepover with grandparents because I was born early enough in the evening that my dad came to get her, but after she learnt that no one controls when a baby is born, it turned from annoyance into a jokey thing that's brought up every few years. Also, due to neurodivergence my sister was always being told off and having tantrums when she was young and none of us understood why. I was always told "learn from her mistakes", "don't you act like that"and such, which she heard and thought it meant I was favourite, but because she always got all the attention I thought she was the favourite and that I didn't matter. As an adult she went through trauma and my parents shielded me from what was going on thinking it was best for me, but it led to feeling like I was being pushed aside again, because she needed help. If hear her crying on the phone and was never told even basics of why, so I couldn't understand and as I was still a child and had no way of contacting her without my parents' help, I couldn't find the info for myself. All the adults in the family knew she was struggling so were constantly asking about her and it felt like I didn't matter and that I needed to look after her too. Considering I was 13 and she was nearly 20 and living in another country, that caused me issues. But I'm only upset with my parents for these issues. I know it's not my sister's fault. She's the reason I pulled through my bad times. Neither of us blame each other, despite some of our trains being linked to the other. These women need to have a full on heart to heart with each other to understand who is and who is not at fault.

[@shelaghsalisbury1325]

Golden child siblings seriously need family therapy. Get an outsider to help with communication and forgiveness on both sides.

[@honeythepup309]

About the fridge, he is not the asshole! I don't know what she is drinking but lets go with soda. If the fridge is filled with soda and he had no place to put more important things like veggies or milk that have higher priority to keep cold obviously the sodas have to go. And the ice maker has nothing to do with the drink space because they would explode in the freezer anyway. If anything he just sucks for not leaving a single cold drink for her but we don't know how packed the fridge could have been.