I'm Pulling Out Of My Brothers Wedding Due To My Old School Bullies Attending r/Relationship

[@tyron2854]

So Ben would rather have non related girls who bullied his sister at his wedding, then his sister is what it comes down too

[@lilfairykiki122]

Yep, tbh op should actually just cut him off. Dudes trash.

[@DrewLSsix]

Sure... if you go with the premise that this is his wedding only and there's not a fiance involved who's loved ones count also.

[@Sparky0627]

​@@DrewLSsix Reallly? It's HIS wedding too! He wants HIS FAMILY there. The bullies are NOT HER FAMILY! Both get a say in who gets invited, not just the Bride! Marriage is a two-way street, not only one-way. "Happy Spouse, Happy House" is the correct saying. Marriage is give and take for the most part, with compromise (& communication) key to a happy marriage. Frankly, the fiance's "not remembering" laughing at OP's bullying by her clique is troubling. But then inviting said bullies to the wedding? Red Flag! 🚩🚩🚩 The lack of empathy is stunning! Sounds like fiance hasn't apologized to OP, and is doubling down on adding more bullying at the wedding.

[@Sparky0627]

​@@DrewLSsix ⚠️⚠️⚠️🚩🚩🚩Spoiler Alert 🚩🚩🚩⚠️⚠️⚠️ Did you read about OP's bullying? At all? It got to a point where OP had a panic attack and COLLAPSED in the cafeteria CRYING! Everyone surrounded her and no one HELPED her! And you're trying to defend those bullies? Enough to where OP realized she had NO friends there and transferred? I'm glad OP and her brother, along with his fiance, were able to work on it, and sorry to hear about the fiance's grandma (although it seems like it helped to have their wedding sooner and private), but it worked better for most. Enough to allow OP to attend with her SO as support.

[@rene280195]

​@@DrewLSsix would You be okay with inviting people that abused your SIL to your wedding?

[@AndyyWithAY]

I saw a comment yesterday that something really has to be wrong with you to get romantically involved with a siblings bully. I really agree. Millions of people in the world and you just have to canoodle with your siblings bully?? Ridiculous.

[@mariajw4803]

This.

[@toysruskid5074]

Depends. In my city there's no excuse, but in the little town my SO grew up in where there's only 1 high school in the whole county.... and there's 3 towns in it and half of them are related to you at all times.... Pretty much the only excuse for it I can think of is that- Itty bitty dating pool.

[@mysticaccy]

to give credit the brother didn't know untill the wedding situation. OP kept the bully to herself, untill it was late but then agian... if i was the brother i would back out of the wedding because the fiancee being a bystander and inviting the highschool girls is also enabling the abuse.

[@jamestown8398]

I agree. That alone made it clear to me that Ben doesn’t give a crap about OP’a feelings or well-being.

[@jackspring7709]

I agree. Maybe OP was bullied in school because her treatment at home wasn't much better and she was, somehow, more vulnerable to it. Just a thought.

[@Cel3ere5]

People who say "just get over it" have never been bullied. Unbelievable. Glad OP got their closure though.

[@ironnoah9461]

In other words, a sheltered twit.

[@SH-qs7ee]

Yeah, I notice people don't say it about other childhood trauma; could you imagine the crap that would land on someone if they said "Oh, your uncle was too handsy with you when you were a kid, you should get over it."

[@jackchop1576]

Or they were the complicit ones who "didn't take sides because they get along with everybody" who did/said nothing and have selective memory and minimize it all.

[@zambekiller]

@@jackchop1576 or it's what they were told following any traumatic experience and they mistakenly believe it works. Ya know not talking from experience of being bullied because I follow the rule of stay quiet and people leave you alone about it

[@drewthistlethwaite8909]

My parents were shocked I had ptsd diagnosed at 12 like this one girl didn’t put cigs out on my back or practice bouncing me off the walls to hit me down two flights of stairs 😂😂😂😂

[@jamisonosborne]

I'm sorry, but if OP's parents were any kind of decent they would have shoved the bully girlfriend into a chipper the moment her brother brought her home. If I had courted one of my sibling's bullies the beating I would have received from every member of my family would have been legendary. OP's entire family is twisted AF.

[@stargazer378]

That's exactly one what happened to one of my cousins, he brought home the girl that caused his sister to nearly jump off a roof and my aunt and uncle disowned him. Idiot still can't accept he was in the wrong.

[@kitsumekat]

@@stargazer378 it sounds like she's cute enough or he doesn't like his sister.

[@moon7shinev150]

@@stargazer378 I hope you don't mind me asking for the story there

[@stargazer378]

@@moon7shinev150 Sorry for the brick of text. Long story short the bully had it out for my cousin (for absolutely NO reason I have to add) and caused her to be very depressed and suicidal. My uncle was thankfully able to talk her down and transfered her to a much better school. (For anyone wondering, my aunt and uncle reported her and she got expelled, so that's one bright spot.) Years later my cousin's brother (T) went to college and ran into her there, and for whatever reason, started secretly dating her. T kept it a secret from all of his family and decided the best day to introduce her to the family was... on his sister's birthday. The fallout was immense and immediate, bully was immediately thrown out, and after a massive argument, T was also thrown out. T made a massive stink about it and refused to even discuss the crap the bully did to his own sister so my aunt and uncle decided the best course of action was to disown him and let him traverse life on his own, he's an adult, as he so often pointed out. Haven't heard from him since and I really don't care. If he comes to me I'll probably just shut the door in his face.

[@moon7shinev150]

@@stargazer378 Your aunt and uncle sound awesome

[@dianasmith8248]

If Ben loved his sister. He should tell Fae that she needs to disinvite these people. If she doesn’t then he needs to walk away from her because she clearly doesn’t care and is a massive bully as well.

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

Ben loves his pee-pee more than his sibling.

[@katarzynajuszczyk7892]

That is exactly what I think too. Why are those people invited?

[@strangelic4234]

Yep. I'm glad that OP feels better but her brother still chose her bullies over her. It makes me furious. You don't have to meet anybody half-way if none of the blame is on you. It's also hard for me to not see the apology letters as a party game, or as a feel-good stint to make them feel better about themselves. That's maybe unfair but I'm just an internet stranger, so I feel free to judge

[@dianasmith8248]

@@strangelic4234 One of the biggest problems that I have with bullies. Is if they are having issues going on whether they are at home or not and they take it out on other people they seem to always get a pass for it. Whereas it doesn’t matter what is happening to you it does not give you the right to bully someone else. As a society we are too quick to automatically forgive those people and tell the person who was bullied to shove their feelings aside. That needs to stop ASAP. Since her sister-in-law was not bullying her I don’t put her in the same class as I would the girls who were bullying her. But the fact that she still hangs out with these people and seems to think that what ever was going in their life was what made them do it is what I have a problem with. Which is why I hesitate to believe that Fae has truly changed.

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

After Ben had reminded Fae of OP's School bullying trauma, she should have felt bad enough to uninvite her friends from the wedding! After all, she is marrying into the family and will have to see OP from time to time and if she didn't make an effort to mend fences, those encounters would be very strained and uncomfortable for all. I personally don't think I could live with myself if I knew I was part of a group that made a child's life a living hell from picking on them day after day in school. I literally cried listening to this girl retell her experiences from school bullies and breaking down in the cafeteria :(

[@BruinPhD2009]

It infuriates me when survivors of any trauma are told to “just move on.” As a young child, I was molested by an older cousin, repeatedly. It took me years to get the counseling I needed to come to terms with that. And you know what? It really did help. BUT, I’ll never NOT be a person who lived through that trauma. Decades later, I still have the occasional days where I wake up and it feels like my head is not attached to the rest of my body. The only difference between now and the times when it used to happen much more often, is NOW I have healthy means to deal with it. So no, there is no “moving on,” there is learning how to protect yourself as best you know how when the past comes crashing down on the present. If that means avoiding a gaggle of harpies, REGARDLESS of the event, then so be it.

[@zebnemma]

I struggled so many years to come to terms with a bunch of different traumas. Bullying, abuse from parental figure, friends treating me like shit... But after about 10 years I came to a point where I was just so tired of carrying that heavy sadness around with me that I decided it was time to forgive. I didn't do it for them, I forgave their actions for my own sake so that I could get some peace within myself(and move on from it instead of living in the past) after such a long time. If you can someday reach that point too I'm rooting for you. I was tired of letting their shitty past actions keep holding me back from reaching my best potential in life, when my depression was so bad I couldn't keep a job among other things.

[@pippo17173]

That should be instant no contact if any family or friends said that to you because *were friends with the POS because he/she is cool.* save yourself the trouble, especially of the pos never change at all.

[@jackspring7709]

The "get over it" brigade are just as bad as the bullies.

[@BruinPhD2009]

@@zebnemma I am so glad you managed to find the way to put your life together. It took me more than ten years to get there, but the important thing for both of us (I think) is that it was done on our time table, not someone else’s. I wish you nothing but continued health and happiness in the future.

[@lovelysakurapetalsyt]

I've been abused by my dad and even my "step-mom" (she's really my dad's girlfriend) thinks I can't possibly have trauma of the dark because a lot of the abuse my dad would do to me and my sister was when it was dark in my house. I've gotten therapy where I can but yeah. Trauma isn't something you "get over", you can forgive but never forget.

[@TsukiKageTora]

I would NEVER date anyone that abused my sibling in high school let alone never apologized for it. That tells me they didn’t change and will never change. That and the fact they are so dismissive is a major red flag. Nope, that toxicity is not attractive and my sibling deserves better than me bringing someone into our family that traumatized them

[@Someone-or8tp]

Yeah, honestly. I remember like 85% of all the terrible things I did when I was younger. Even if I wasn't a bully, I know I was self-centred at the worst of times and that I wasn't a good friend. I lie awake at night remembering every argument, every hurtful thing I ever did and said, every moment I saw my brother cry because of me, the times I overreacted and hurt people- I remember most of them, and the one's I don't remember either disappeared because of time, or I at least get the impression that they happened vaguely. It boggles my mind how other people DON'T remember these things. I was talking to my uncle about this story my dad told me- my uncle was very small and weak when he was younger. Tons of allergies, intolerances, and be stuck to himself a lot. Some guys at some baseball cage thingy were picking on him and my dad stepped in, and they allowed my dad to take that beating for him. It was super traumatic for my uncle, but for my dad it was just one of those things that happened. And when I asked "do you think they regret it?" My uncle said "they probably don't even remember". And I was just. Stuck. Like why not? Do other people's wrongdoings not plague their mind? Do they really not care that they hurt someone and could never truly make it up to the victim? I remember. I remember all the things I did wrong. I think about them all the time. I learned from them and try to be better. You can't be better if you don't consider these events important enough to recall.

[@ShatoraDragondore]

Before the Update: Fey co-signed the bulling and went along with it in school. NEVER apologized to OP and her Brother Gas lit her in to just being ok with Fey being his GF. You never get over trauma anything even with the best therapy and coping skills anything can find a way in and shatter that progress.

[@WobblesandBean]

^ This. Fae never changed, and OP's brother is just as rotten as the rest of them.

[@zitronentee]

@@WobblesandBean Have you watched the entire video?

[@RJLiams]

@@zitronentee even with updates they're still horrible people.

[@christophercombs7561]

Im going to strongly disagree that you cant beat trauma entirely

[@jasmineflower1988]

Being a bullying survivor myself this story is so hard to read. When people minimise the effects of bullying or when they say you should be over it by now, I hope those people get a monumental taste of what it's really like. My mum was worried I would hurt myself, possibly worse. She took me out of school because she literally thought she'd get a phonecall saying they found my body in the girls toilets! The toilets were where I hid all the time in the end of my school career. For ALL my lessons. I HATE people that minimise other's trauma. Whatever the cause of that trauma.

[@carolroberts4614]

I wasn't bullied so much as more....ignored! The British comedian Victoria Wood once said that she was " unnecessary"! I felt that.

[@kiryuandgodzillagirl]

I know what you mean mine is in jail cause he violated his probation one time too many and I swore I would never go back there not while that employee who allowed it is there there (she should have been canned)

[@magnarcreed3801]

I just don’t get the trauma outside of physical. Verbal shit you can ignore. So I’m meh to it.

[@sofie6524]

A persons early years is just so important for a persons mental development. It is when you learn how to socialise, how to form attachment and you develop your attachment style. I dont thinn an adult can ever know what it is like for someone to have been the victim of bullying from a young age. It is detrimental to your development as a person and a human being, and there are so many ways in which your self image is shattered by it because it defines all that you are and have ever been. If you grew up in a healthy environment you will have that no matter what happens in the future. You know that you shouldnt be treated this way or that there is something better. When you are a child you are manipulated into believing that this is what you deserve and that you are the problem. The world is just like this and it is normal for you to be in said situation. You have no memory of anything else or anything better, and because of it you spend early adulthood trying to rewire this mindset. And that takes time. It's like building a house. Your childhood is the foundation. If the foundation is brittle and weak(i.e. you were bullied) you will have to build the house all over again. If the foundation is stable and strong(i.e. you had a good childhood) you only have to renovate the house on top of the foundation. I dont think anyone with a good childhood can ever truly know and feel how much bullying affects the rest of your life.

[@yourlocalcoffeeaddict9603]

@@magnarcreed3801 No, you can't just ignore it. My parents have always been mentally abusive to me, I've been threatened multiple times and blamed for things i haven't done just since my dad was pissed off and needed to make someone upset. I've been told before that i should just kill myself since my father didn't care.

[@MizTameRumors]

What OP describes is well beyond bullying, that's serious psychological torture. I felt angry and helpless just reading it as an adult, it must have been terrible going through it. I hope OP can find a therapist that fits, and I hope Fae really has changed because maybe she can help heal a few scars.

[@jessilyngray1223]

One of my past bullies put me in the hospital after throwing rocks at me and knocking me unconscious while I was up a tree. He tried apologizing to get out of jail time I told him to go to hell and enjoy jail. He tried to reach out a few times and I always ignore it

[@RandomTrinidadian]

Good. Remember, no one is entirled to forgiveness and no one (especially you) are obligated to forgive

[@66DoodleGal]

Should've told him 'Don't drop the soap'

[@Davtwan]

“She’s only thinking of herself?” Wow, it’s like mental health requires you to take care of yourself or something. Good job, brother! Maybe you’ll learn the other components to be a decent person one day! 👌

[@Wander85942]

Being the bystander doesn’t make her any better than the main aggressor. Did your insides feel good seeing someone getting ripped apart? Obviously it meant nothing because it wasn’t worth remembering.

[@SailorMya]

The fact that she can't remember everyone she bullied says a lot... I mean someone comes up to you tells you "you made my life hell!" and that doesn't stand out to you!? How many people did they bully that this highly specific incident of bulling doesn't stand out... IDK calling someone a "curse" would stand out even if you bullied a lot of people... She knew what she did was wrong and just wanted to sweep it under the rug and move on with her prefect life... (Forcing her friends to apologize doesn't make it a real apology I would take those letters with a grain of salt because they might just be saying what she wants to hear...)

[@laurafinley9152]

²

[@Wander85942]

@@SailorMya OP is more forgiving than I could have been. It’s not a genuine apology to me. It’s saying you are sorry because someone told you that you did something wrong. None of them were phased they bullied someone severe enough to leave school.

[@SailorMya]

@@Wander85942 Right... She talks about how her friend was in a super dark place but didn't want to admit that she and her "friends" put OP in that super dark place, to the point she had to run away from them, and she had no friends to help her threw it... The bullies didn't think they would have to face what their bullying did but now she is staring them in the face asking "why me?"... (Not literally but it's the fact that the ghost of how terrible they are is not going away...)

[@Splatoon_Kirby]

It doesn't excuse them but it does explain to me how it is that they don't remember it as clearly as OP does. Trauma causes memory issues, and even some things that are bad enough are repressed so deeply that they never resurface for the person.

[@shebakoby]

"Tell me Ben was the Golden Child of the family, and OP is the scapegoat, without using any of those words"

[@gurglequeen433]

my brother, who I don't always get along with, once dated a girl that bullied me. I told him if he brought her to any family functions I wouldn't go to them. I respected his right to date whoever but I was not putting my own mental health on the line over this. When he learned what his girlfriend had done he broke up with her, said he's not going to bring someone into the family that disrespected a member of our family like that. Now he's dating a really nice girl I was in theater with in middle and high school. My whole family loves her.

[@lilfairykiki122]

That’s what brothers should do! Good on him. The brother in this story sucks.

[@angelaholmes8888]

Glad your brother dump that woman after finding out what she did

[@WobblesandBean]

"She said she stayed friends with them because even though they were evil to me, they were very nice to her." Right there tells me everything I need to know about Fae. She's a horrible person.

[@ivy456]

Yeah, my bullies were nice to each other too. That's not surprising. OP sounds a bit naive but I guess that's not surprising considering how she's treated by the people around her.

[@nicksuazo4377]

Sounds like a chameleon - someone who is willing g to just wear any mask to please people. I'd go far as to call Fae a snake, but it sounds like she's more up-front about her past than her friends

[@Kas_Styles]

Ya true

[@ScurvyRascal]

Exactly. You're as good as the company you keep!

[@Tammohawk1]

One never forgets being bullied. It leaves it's mark on a person too. Especially when the adults you are supposed to trust see it and do nothing.

[@shadizarsilverhand2502]

Yes, over 30 years later and while thankfully there wasn't much physical abuse in school growing up going from K-12 with pretty much the same people and being a victim of their bullying has never gone away for me and they've all just laughed and haven't changed any in all these years. Zero remorse.

[@DevlinBlake]

Yep. I think that scarred me more than the actual bullying. Realizing I couldn't trust adults, and realizing I was completely alone, and that nobody ever does the right thing. Nobody stands up for the people who need it. They just pretend it's not happening.

[@DevlinBlake]

I also saw my parents tried desperately to help me, but they failed every time because the school board blocked them at every turn. So I saw how little effect parents have. It's why I decided to never have children. I couldn't put them through that and apparently there's no way I can help them either.

[@comedyloverism]

People may forget you, but they can never forget how you made them feel.

[@lemarch57]

So true. We had Saturday morning Catholic brainwashing and one day while we were waiting for our ride. My brother was acting scared and I asked him what was wrong. He suddenly took off running and 3 bigger guys ran after him and beat him up, then ran away. I took him to the priest with blood streaming down his face. Priest opened the door. Bullies were alter boys and already there. I told the priest ‘They beat up my brother’ and priest said ‘What do you want me to do about it?’ and shut the door in my face. Parents called priest and he came over to our house spouting bs about forgiveness and ‘Boys will be boys.’ Bullies were 12, I was 9, brother was 8. Still makes me angry.

[@SailorMya]

The fact that she can't remember everyone she bullied says a lot... I mean someone comes up to you tells you "you made my life hell!" and that doesn't stand out to you!? How many people did they bully that this highly specific incident of bulling doesn't stand out... IDK calling someone a "curse" would stand out even if you bullied a lot of people... She knew what she did was wrong and just wanted to sweep it under the rug and move on with her prefect life... (Forcing her friends to apologize doesn't make it a real apology I would take those letters with a grain of salt because they might just be saying what she wants to hear...)

[@lilfairykiki122]

This is a very good point didn’t even think about that, she Mmmm for sure has horrible bullied a lot of people.

[@juanhaines7295]

I've heard this one before. Op deserves so much for all she's been through. Plus their not worth forgiving. They would not have apologized if they weren't ask. But even then it doesn't undo years of pain and suffering. Stay strong op.

[@jamalsodipe772]

Thank God I'm not the only one who realized that face should not be part of this family I hope you should go no contact with her mom

[@Raaslen]

Yeah, I agree. Maybe if they went out of their way to apologize, but no, they apologized because Fay asked then too, and she only did it because it was creating problems for her, and she never really apologized either until it became a problem, especially because by how OP described her brother the whole issue was for sure creating problems in their relationship. Also, I hate the whole "they had problems of their own" excuse bullies always use, because well, guess what, we all have issues, I know people that had really fucked up households and they never became bullies.

[@phtevlin]

Yup...this is a re run.

[@fiaflora9585]

@@phtevlin Yeah you’re right, he posted this story about 8 months ago lol

[@brigidtheirish]

They aren't worth forgiving because they had to be asked to apologize? How many of us had to be asked to apologize for something we screwed up? How many of us did something that deeply affected someone else and didn't even realize or *remember* until years later? Who here has lashed out at someone else because we were having a shitty day/month/year/LIFE?

[@idgarobingoodfellow]

"The tree remembers what the axe forgets"- African Proverb

[@jackspring7709]

P.S.: I did wonder what OP's life was like at home that made her so vulnerable to this type of treatment outside of the home without any support from family. Her last update clarified that.

[@warriorcatskid003]

Op talking about the “curse” hit me. Kids used to throw my jacket around with a similar system. They’d avoid touching me and my desk. It’s oddly comforting to know I wasn’t the only one bullied in that particular way.

[@axel9473]

I think it's rather common actually. Bullying is all about feeling superior, and therefore, viewing the victim as inferior or lesser to justify their actions. This is often accompanied by a certain level of disgust towards the victim, as if they are dirty. Hell, even entire cultures fully embraced this way of thinking. The whole indian caste system was like this, with people in higher casts refusing to touch anyone from the lowest cast, even if they were dying in the streets. If i remember correctly it was forbidden by law the other way around...

[@ilbercgross4736]

bullies do not always remember or care about their past victims. when the victims confront the bullies, they remember and make fun of it.

[@ScooterBond1970]

Someone put up an excellent analog the other day: The tree remembers the axe because the tree feels the pain caused by the axe. The axe feels nothing so it remembers nothing.

[@wmdkitty]

Because to the bully, it was just Tuesday.

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

Bullying is unforgivable. No one's wedding is more important than your integrity.

[@brandi5126]

No wonder brother likes Fay. He sounds just like her telling his sister to move on cause her trauma inconveniences his appearances.

[@Lilian620.]

People really don’t see how extreme bullying can be and how long it can mess someone up, the bullies always get off easy a lot of that time and the victim is normally just forced to just forgive them even if they didn’t change

[@janglesthearsonist5265]

The exact reason OP needs to find the right therapist asap is because she is not "in a better place"! That is the time you most need a therapist as therapy can help guide her to that better place.

[@brigidtheirish]

Yeah. Just repressing memories and avoiding people she went to school with isn't going to help move forward. It's just going to put everything in a pressure cooker until it explodes.

[@Knives7777]

id be looking at my bro sideways if he still decided to be in a relationship with someone associated with those people. Yea id cut him off me personally.

[@evavargas2926]

OP is better than I am. I would never allow anyone that hurt me in my life ever again. I have blocked people from HS when I see them suggested to me on social media.

[@lancerevell5979]

First story..... "Only thinking of yourself...". Damned right! No valid reason for OP to put up with that BS again. Me being "the big kid" in school, I took care of my bullies by.... bullying them! Thumped a few of them, gave one some semester long mental bullying. I hated bullies and did not tolerate it.

[@johnsmith-kt7ef]

In school i was a "popular jock" who also was in accelerated courses. I absolutely despised bullying, and had friends of all different backgrounds in school (some to this day still). If i witnessed bullying i would put a stop to it, also many of my teammates and friends felt the same way. I luckily never experienced this type of torment in school, and it sucks people think its part of "growing up", when in reality it can affect people for their entire lives. This is not a "i was such a good person" type of post, just wish more people would stand up for others in school and do the right thing that are able to do so. I would be willing to bet in today's society with social media the bullying is even worse, bc kids can't escape it once they get home.

[@DesertRainReads]

Indeed, and I am glad you were one of the lucky ones. Bless you for stopping the bullying.

[@gabrielabatista6016]

Yup. In fact, any sort of trauma you have during your childhood and teenage years can actually affect you more on the long run because these are your formative years; you're still developing, so anything that happens there is going to leave a much bigger imprint on your memory that if the same thing happened on your adulthood. I, for example, am triggered when anyone yells at me; my mom has some anger issues and whenever she was mad at me she would start to yell at me, as a result I get panicked and want to cry whenever anyone yells at me (kids being the exception). It's not something I'm able to "move on", it's a reflex that has been with me my whole life and no amount of changing will make it go away completely, it's a part of me now, liking it or not. No one that has been through trauma, specially while growing up, should be asked to "move on" like that; no matter how much therapy and treatment they get, it'll never make the trauma disappear, at most it'll help you deal better with it, but I'll always be there. It's like a scar from a big wound, you can put thousands of creams and treatment to help with it, and it can fade, but it will never disappear completely; mental scars are the same, just not clearly visible.

[@WardenSpectreCommander]

I did the classic leave the guy alone before, bully flipped it on me and I punched him in the face and we fought and security broke it up. Luckily security was a coach and I only got lectured instead of being suspended for fighting. Thank God I grew up in the 80's when we could deal with bullies on the spot.

[@yef122]

Mark - I'm so sorry you went through that. I was bullied too, while in junior high. You're right - telling the victim to move on is so insensitive.

[@WhitneyDahlin]

It truly disgusts me when people pressure victims of bullying or abuse of any kind to move on and just forgive the abuser. To me that is abuse in itself. Emotionally blackmailing someone into doing what they want you to do. You don't owe ANYONE your forgiveness for ANYTHING!! Just because people are trying to minimize the pain they or someone they loved caused doesn't mean you have to forgive them or be polite to them now. Even if it's someone you love and respect telling you that. Heck if someone cut you off in traffic 15 years ago YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT FORGIVE THEM. Period. End of story. You don't owe anyone your forgiveness, you don't owe anyone politeness, you don't owe anyone anything. You are perfectly within your rights and it's perfectly justifiable to refuse to interact with ANYONE for ANY REASON. If someone you love is pressuring you into forgiving someone or into being polite to someone, tell them if they loved you they wouldn't pressure you and wouldn't bring it up anymore. Because that's the truth. You don't treat people you love like that. You do not pressure people you love into doing anything much less facing the cause of so much trauma. That is an incredibly UNREASONABLE and UNJUSTIFIED thing to do to someone you love. Don't give in. You HAVE to protect yourself because NO ONE else is going to protect you. Protect yourself at all costs. ❤️

[@lifegoeson6045]

My opinion will never change about this story tbh. I still don't like the brother at all along with the by stander in bullying who still hangs with the same group who bullied her husbands sister to the point she had to change schools. Just no. Yes, I do agree people change even the ones who bully people cuz they are insecure BUT the VICTIM in all of this is very well in their right to not wanna see their faces for the rest of eternity because its the victim that suffered through all of that. Good on them for feeling better now but I just can't digest this. If that would be me I'd be going no contact with everyone because the moment my brother actively stays with someone who bullied his sister after finding out about it. I wouldn't be able to handle it so I'd rather just disappear.

[@mkuti-childress3625]

Part of the problem is that OP didn’t tell her brother. By the time he knew, he had been with her long term and was just about to get married to a woman he loved. And OP made it a point to say that she did not actively bully OP and was just a bystander. Speaking from the point of view of someone who _did_ stand up to bullies because I had a very bad temper when I saw unfairness that would temporarily override my fear, I would never blame other kids who look like they are just standing around letting bullying happen. These are all children who are scared themselves. They are going through an incredibly difficult time in development, both physically and mentally, and most of those kids are scared of the bully, too, and hoping the bully’s focus stays anywhere else but on them. Or they might have known the bully for a long time and know that they are going through serious problems-abuse, poverty, ED, divorce of parents, neglect, etc.) and don’t know what to do to help. Some kids who might actually befriend a bully are kids who have been abused at home who freeze up in abusive situations and feel a lot safer and more secure having someone like that on their “side.” Kids are all going through way too much themselves to be expected to be responsible for stopping bullies when there are trained adults who are paid to responsible and _still_ can’t get it to stop. If the adults who are supposed to take care of the problem can do what they are supposed to do, they would not only prevent bullying but would end up getting earlier intervention for the messed up, often badly abused kids who end up becoming bullies because they are acting out from their own trauma.

[@lifegoeson6045]

@@mkuti-childress3625 that's why I said I'm happy for all of them that they could go past all of that but for me I'd still leave regardless of my feelings that's just how it has been I guess up until now so yeah. You definitely have a point of your own and I respect that.

[@brigidtheirish]

@@mkuti-childress3625 All this. I stood up to bullies, too, and got bullied more for my trouble. I don't blame anyone who protects themself by pretending it's not happening. I also don't blame the brother. He not only didn't know how badly OP was bullied, he didn't know his girlfriend was in the bullying clique until *well* into the relationship. I also don't blame Fae for keeping those friends because they were kind to her and she knows all the shit they were going through. Sounds like everyone involved was severely damaged and just trying to get by. Often in unhealthy ways. The ones who really failed here are the parents and teachers.

[@mkuti-childress3625]

@@lifegoeson6045 I respect your point, as well. I know a lot of people would feel the same way.

[@mkuti-childress3625]

@@brigidtheirish Yes-you’re very right!

[@Khaisz.]

OP: i was bullied Also OP: *proceeds to describe what could only be compared to Mental Torture*

[@kerribottriell-baxter7345]

What sucks is when people tell you to "get over it". Only just recently some of the closest people to me told me to "get over it", what was dumb about it was that I wasn't the one who bought that up, they did, along with other stuff that now as me wondering whether I should ever trust them again with anything. Bullying and abuse NEVER leaves you! I'm dealing with it in my own way. On top of that, the abuse I've dealt with from others in my adult life. Again, I'm dealing with it. But nope... I need to "get over it"

[@wildwikedwanderer1208]

As an older brother I look at OPs brother with utter contempt and disgust.

[@carolroberts4614]

The mum was no angel either! She was no help to op during the original bullying at school, or later with all the wedding stuff. She is a disgrace.

[@wildwikedwanderer1208]

@@carolroberts4614 you’re right i forgot about her in my blind rage towards the brother.

[@kerridwynntheacegoblin6465]

I’d laugh in my bullies’ faces. I had one try the ‘we were just kids’ thing. Told her to fuck right off with that. Not many of my peers remember me, which I’m fine with.

[@clairebear-96]

Oh I remember this story so I hope the updates are good, I don’t understand why the brother won’t stand up for her? He wants her to be best woman so presumably they’re close, why wouldn’t he defend her 💀

[@hanoh2904]

The bullying in the US is out of control. I am a teacher in the middle east and this will be nipped in the bud immediately! With a public apology from the bully

[@melosidhe779]

It's because of the deeply rooted victim blaming culture in the US. Instead of punishing the bully, victims are told to just ignore it or suck it up. Or worse, that something about them is the reason they are being bullied so they should do something to fix themselves. It's awful and the schools are more worried about being sued than protecting the kids. They do nothing but punish the victims of they ever have enough of the bullying and decide to fight back.

[@Raaslen]

Story 1: NTA, if my brother/sister started dating one of my bullies I would be civil with them at best, but I would no longer be able to see them as my sibling in the sense that I would no longer feel that I own any form of loyalty towards them. It's in a different proportion but is a similar thing as your sibling getting together with your abuser. Fey is a bad person, and OP's brother is a terrible brother

[@jackspring7709]

I had a good friend years ago who was severely bullied by a clique in school. They would hold her hand down and the ring leader would slam the point of a pencil right into the back of her hand. Years later she was walking past a mobile phone shop and recognised the former ringleader behind the counter: she walked in, asked "Excuse me, do you have a pen I can borrow?" The girl didn't recognise her, handed her a pen and my friend drove it full force right into the back of her hand. She said she let out a massive scream - my friend reminded her who she was and walked out of the place.

[@ciaranscott7844]

Props to your friend

[@Ale33810]

Beutiful

[@angelaholmes8888]

Good 🙂

[@Sascha-bf1kw]

I went through a lot of emotions hearing this story, I wish Op good luck with her healing process and the relationship with her brother and family.

[@sketchbook8725]

I honestly can relate to the "being called a curse" thing. Not to the extreme that it becomes a school wide game but just something that stayed with the small group who bullied me. They called me a witch or hermit. Stuff like that stays with you. But I was the type who made a joke out of it, "you think I'm a witch? Want me to try and curse you and we will find out?" That scared them off really fast and ended the confrontation lol

[@AngelaVEdwards]

I always hear about how the schools have “zero tolerance” for bullying but it seems to be worse than ever. I kind of got “bullied” some in high school but in my memories, they were just kids being dumb. I have seen some of those people after high school and they are nice adults. I got out of school 35+ years ago and the bullying then is nothing like the bullying today. It’s much, much worse.

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

Don’t be a bully or friends w/ a bully in the first place if you can’t handle the consequences later. No mercy for bullies.

[@moon7shinev150]

I remember reading a story on reddit where op bullied a girl in middle school and caused her to be an outcast because he was the popular kid. He and others bullied her so bad that she switched schools years later op is with a guy who turns out to be bullied girls brother. The family gives brother an ultimatum either them or op. Well brother chose op and got disowned by literally everyone in his family

[@3adgamd3r]

I had a similar experience to OP in secondary school (high school but British), and honestly if my sibling was dating one of my bullies I’d have had to ultimatum them from the get go. OP is a better person than I am.

[@Sapphirelily]

I was verbally bullied and it affected me physically. And because of it, something that I should have grown out of didn’t happen until I graduated school and was out of school. But since I was avoided like the plague, I didn’t have any friends. So here I am in my early thirties, single and friendless but that’s my fault because I don’t know how to interact with people. It doesn’t take a psychic to read body language

[@Resilient_Sage88]

My mom used to tell me people are only bullies because they aren't happy with themselves, but to be honest, I still don't understand how making someone else feel like shit just to make yourself feel better is okay. Like I get the ideas of "misery loves company" or "hurt people hurt people" but I think you have to have little to no empathy to channel that into cruelty.

[@turnerdan53]

It is always amazing that bullies mostly don't remember doing any bulling. I ran into one one day and he is talking to me like we were long lost friends. I guest that stand on some one at the bottom of the pool just to see the bubbles come up is just a friendly thing to do. Alwats sucked to be the smallest guy in class.

[@Fluffy-Rose1993]

The scars of bullying never truly fade. He will never understand.

[@hotjanuary]

“I have to meet them halfway.” No, OP. You’re not obligated to attend an event just because your bullies gave you an apology letter. It doesn’t matter if they’ve changed. The trauma they’ve inflicted is still there. Interacting with them before your trauma is dealt with by therapy is not good for you, not good for your recovery. You can’t rationalize trauma to go away. Emotions don’t care that your brain is telling your body that they’ve changed. Healing is a long process. The fact that you needed to bring your boyfriend as a buffer instead of just company says a lot to how damaging their presence is to you.

[@Weirdandwonderfull19]

Story 1 NTA. I was very badly bullied throughout my school life, then would go home to my mean alcoholic dad who would be mentally and emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive. My mum also drank a lot but to cope with dad and she tried to defend me when she was sober enough to do so. I'm 34 and am still anxious about walking past large groups of teens and being around drunk people. I don't drink- I stopped 13 years ago because all it did was make me angry like my dad, haven't been drunk since. These things stay with you.

[@Lisapizzza]

This is a difficult situation, I'm glad for the 'happy' update

[@WobblesandBean]

I was bullied so badly that I have CPTSD from it. If my brother ever announced he was dating one of my bullies, he'd be dead to me.

[@DameNickum]

NTA We never just “get over and move on” from being bullied during the formative years of our lives. Those bullies had a hand in who I am now. Sure, I did and still do therapy with EMDR. That said, I’m 1,000 years old and still feel the pain and shame and FEAR of being bullied. You deal with it, you don’t get over it.

[@Gerilyn2003]

Fae never owned up to her own activities or apologized. The OP just had to "work on herself" to accept Fae and her future SIL. I'd dump the entire family to be honest.

[@huinismith]

About your final question, I would destroy the letter without reading it. I don't care what was happening in their lives, there's no excuse for tormenting me for years in primary school. ETA: one of the "bystanders" reached out to me through Facebook for the 25th anniversary reunion. I replied that I wouldn't attend after what happened. He immediately knew what I was referring to and apologized for doing nothing (no need for that, he was also a child), and he told me that he finally understood how awful it was for me. His own kid was being bullied. That broke my heart.

[@83gemm]

I swear to god people just do not understand that bullying is trauma. We aren’t talking about some occasional name calling or a solitary event. It is years of existing in fight or flight panic mode EVERY DAY. And when that is triggered, even years later, the body responds to a perceived threat. She’s not going to be able to control how her body responds to being around them, which is why she wanted to bow out. I’m almost 40. Last year a song came on the radio that was playing while my bullies beat me in JUNIOR HIGH. Junior high! I had to pull over and shake until I vomited. My brain and body associate that song with danger, even decades later. I certainly didn’t WANT to almost wreck and lose the lunch I’d just paid ten bucks for.

[@CarinaCoffee]

This was hard to get into at first since I was bullied in school as well. At first I had zero respect for the brother, but the further explanation at the end explains how he didn't know about this and who Faye was. At the end of the day it's still super shitty to tell trauma survivors to get over it. But we're all socialised like that. Even I wouldn't really see myself as a trauma survivor if you'd ask me. Maybe that's because I'm female and we're also socialised to not ask for too much space or to not be a burden, even though I don't think my family instilled that in me much, it just the expectations of society we think we should live up to. About the question whether I would read my bullies' letters, I think yes, because there's half a lifetime between this now and I think I'm at a place where I could maybe read them in a sort of detached space and I think I'd be too interested in what they wrote than that I could just let them sit there or put them in the bin. That doesn't mean I could forgive them for what they did though, or not even not be angry depending on what the letters say.

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

NO ONE has the authority to tell a bully victim to get over it.

[@InvasionAnimation]

Fae was a bully, and I bet she always will be. So I bet she manipulated op by writing a fake note, with false apologies from the others she wrote down herself. Basically she faked the whole note/apology thing in order to manipulate her so she can make the brother happy.

[@ye11oman]

For centralized traumatic incidents such as bullying particular therapies such as EMDR can be particularly helpful in overcoming. They are generally not focused on moving on or forgetting about it, but about integrating with a traumatic experience

[@NanMax]

That poor girl😞How can she not be stressed out, so sorry 💐

[@sarahprice659]

There are some situations where you have to think of yourself and your own well-being first. This is one of those situations.

[@garystewart2355]

I really don’t give a shit about a bully’s reason because there is never an excuse

[@Holly-hr3xd]

That first story brings back so many horrible memories… had so many fake friends that talked about me and laughed at me behind my back. My anxiety is so bad now because of that. I can’t understand people like OP’s brother and inconsiderate gf who have no sympathy. Terrible circumstance to be in, I truly hope OP is doing better.

[@Mewse1203]

Be kind, be safe and take care of yourself. Have a great day

[@BruinPhD2009]

Thank you, and the same to you!

[@impagain]

Genuinely hope you can move on and fully heal from the bullying you suffered, Mark. I can't imagine what you must have been through

[@sarahshock6805]

Redditor: *mentions bullying Mark: *war flashbacks I was bullied, too, so I get it.

[@Raggmopp-xl7yf]

It seems grandma's illness was probably for the best in this one situation. It sucks they lost her, but It gave all involved a very nice and intimate ceremony that they'll all cherish forever. All the important people, anyway. I'm also glad the parent's weren't there considering how their own issues affected their children.

[@jerriewyatt905]

I’ve said it before, unless you’ve been abused and been through the things the victim has, don’t you dare say to move on! Get over it! Because, it’s not that easy, the scars run soul deep.. even years of therapy don’t always work..

[@TsukiKageTora]

10:04 this is why I hate AITA subreddit. They ban a person engaging with a troll but don’t ban the troll

[@nareegreel]

It's the brother dating then marrying his siblings bully for me. I've never been bullied but I can see how it has affected people and that shit doesn't look like something you "get over."

[@starbird3939]

Story 1 Update - Awww This is sweet. I am glad EVERYONE apologized for their part in OP’s pain.

[@vampireladyish]

I think OP should send her brother and parents information on the long term effects bullying has a someone. They go through trauma and that is so sad

[@sarahloveless1726]

I love how it took the mom yelling at OP to snap the brother out of his tantrum. Especially since he was the one that called her in the first place.

[@BritInvLvr]

This story reminds me of the movie, You Again. People don’t know how much they can hurt each other. Thankfully OP’s story has a good ending. I hope it keeps getting better.

[@Mariebild]

I was also bullied in school and it continues to effect me even 11 years after graduating. I now work in a liquor store in the same area as my highschool. I've had old bullies come in and I try to be anywhere else but the floor. I did get a little justice though. They were asked for ID and couldn't produce it but turned and said well she knows us. Oh yes I do know you, but I can't vouch for your age. The ax never remembers the tree.

[@dustysimpson7864]

in times like this. you need to do what makes you comfortable. how would brother feel if you have a complete break down at his wedding?

[@jessiejeanne9717]

It's like asking the kids of narcissist parents, who are low- no contact, to spend time with their abusers. No. Not cool. ETA- if I had siblings, I wouldn't date their bully (complicity is just as culpable), even if they were willing to boink me.

[@gregbasore2108]

It's easy to tell people to "move on" because it costs the person saying that nothing. All it really means is "Stop feeling like your pain should matter or be worthy of consideration." or "You need to turn off your emotions when they're inconvenient to me." Note that if she skips the wedding, OP's brother likely won't feel any obligation to "move on" from his feelings about that.

[@jennilynne1977]

Anyone who has gone through a traumatic experience (like bullying) will not just "get over it" and the people who say that have probably never experienced that trauma. I hope everyone is having a great day/evening/night! Peace, hugs and love everyone!

[@williamjosephprice]

They haven’t changed at all. Fae at least wrote a full letter of apology acknowledging everything that they did and put her through whereas they all just signed a piece of paper. If they really cared they’d have written their own and would’ve fully owned everything that they did and would have properly apologised for doing all of it in the first place. Instead they just did the less than bare minimum, could not be anymore of a cop out thing possible. And if she knows that what they were each dealing with at the time was not an excuse then why did she let it be one and refuse to ever call them out and stop them. I am so sorry that you are still dealing with all of this op. None of them have changed in my opinion she just wanted a nice wedding.

[@CuteLitteBat]

My school bully (one of them) passed away from illness either last year or the year before. Honestly, I didn't feel anything about it when I found out. Most I felt about it was that I hope the family is ok since he died young, then I just never thought about it again until I was reminded about it just now. It's strange how adulthood changes the way you think about things. I know teenaged me would have been rejoicing and saying Karma got him, but adult me has moved on and therapy has done wonders. I do wonder if he had a chance to be a better person than who he was in middle and high school. I honestly hope he did, and while I remember the hurt he caused me, I don't hate him. I'm glad OP is starting to get to that same place of healing and I wish her the best for her future

[@RandomTrinidadian]

Mine got murdered avfew yeats after i finished school. All i coukd think was "Good" and i still smile about it.

[@truecrimelover82]

I was bullied all through school and at one point when I was "grown up" I lived with some roommates and one of the girls brought her new boyfriend who recognised me, he came and apologised for all he did to me and gave some examples like running after me and hitting me with a stick, I don't know if it made him feel better or worse when I told him that I couldn't remember because others had done much much worse so what he had done didn't even rank high enough to be remembered, but I thanked him for apologising and told him that it meant alot to me even though I couldn't remember the incidents with him

[@MoriacMumma7]

I am so very glad to see all the comments supporting OP! Honestly, OP has made a massive effort accepting brothers gf! Massive! Brother needs to wake tf up & stop thinking of himself! Brothers gf needs to own up to what she & her friends did to OP. Admitting what she did, & giving honest apology will go a long way to helping u both move forward. Find a shrink that u feel comfortable with. I didn't feel comfortable with the 1st few but the one I have now is great. Ur shrink could possibly work with u & your brother & also his gf to help heal some of your trauma. Your trauma is real & is rotten. Not something to deal with on your own. I was bullied by my own sister. I wish u well on your journey. ××××

[@tiffinyhunter5901]

About the bullies-one had an ED & suicide attempt, it really does bring up the adage 'hurt people hurt people'. I hope ALL in this story are in a better place in their lives.

[@Ospyro3em]

That's a horrible thing OP went through in school. Some kids can be really cruel. I unfortunately had a problem with bullies too in school, but luckily I did have friends and was generally liked- not popular by any means- but I just found it easy to make friends with people. I remember in particular I was being bullied by 2 girls and eventually I had the courage to report it to a teacher. I think some other girls who were close friends of their's (who I never had a problem with and were always friendly enough to me) overheard, as they approached me later, shocked and horrified as they didn't realise their friends were bullying me and told me they were going to tell them off about it. I don't know if it was the teacher talking to them or ther friends telling them off about it, but after that they both gave me written letters of apology and never bothered me again. I can't imagine how OP got through it all with no-one watching her back.

[@ketsiaaamx]

I had a similar experience, except 1) the 2 girls who bullied me, their close friends were too scared to warn or confront them about their behaviour, and 2) every time I told a teacher, I was always blamed for reacting and they always said to suck it up. So I eventually gave up!! Till this day I hate every single boy and girl who made my life hell in secondary school and felt no remorse about it!!

[@Amna613]

Yeah...... OPs brother is now also a bystander as well. I hope her bullies get what's coming to them.

[@untiedshoelaces2588]

Bullies are always the victims in their stories. Not to mention they always seem to conveniently forget their actions and victims. Despite what happened to her OP remained a good person to always consider her brother's feelings - Even when he didn't do the same. Ben has gotten what he wanted, Fae got her friends to do what was necessary for her to get her way. It is bullying like this that destroys a child's life to the point where they end up lashing out in ways that make the news.

[@irma1114]

I was bullied in primary school (1-8 grade). Ten years later they organised reunion. Since I've been to therapy for my depression 1 year prior to that I felt confident enough to get closure also for this period of my life. Some of them stayed the same and some of them apologized to me unprompted. It was surprising and gave me some peace. I didn't attend any future reunions but I was glad that I did the first one.

[@alicewilloughby4318]

Story 1 - Was "Ben" ever bullied in high school? If so, how much? It's so easy for people who didn't go through it is "moving on" and "letting it go". I wonder if they'd find it so easy to "move on" if it had happened to them? Later - I'm glad this seems to have worked out well and that the bullies finally took some responsibility for what they did. I wonder if they ever realized that it was their bullying that drove OP to change schools.

[@dianarising7703]

On the bullying and wedding story, why didn't Ben ask Fae to uninvite the bullies? I guess he doesn't care about OP.

[@mpmansell]

Regarding bullies and forgiveness, if they cannot accept that you might not be able to forgive, then they don't deserve to be forgiven.

[@WillenaJennings]

Her brother should consider the PTSD aspects of continual abuse by school bullies.... Flashbacks are brutal.....

[@susanmugridge2274]

OMG....what a dreadful experience for OP...where were all the teachers when all the bullying was happening??? It is hard to comprehend that those monsters were allowed to get away with all this s**t! and I cant believe the staff were not aware of this....unfortunately despite all this hot air from the authorities..where ever you are from...about clamping down on this kind of behaviour is just that " hot air". People dont/ cannot or just dont know how to deal with bullying...there needs to be more education on how to deal with. Often it's easier to victim blame...that's why so many youngsters have mental health issues or worse!!! Kudos to OP for her strength of character. Sending love and healing xoxox

[@KimPantoja]

Being told to just get over it is so hurtful. I think people don't realize is that, although they may be words they still hurt and they stick in your head and you hear them all the time. The sad thing for me is I couldn't get away from my bullies, they were my dad and brothers. My brothers didn't bother me so much but my dad hurt like hell. But you know get over it. I hope that OP finds some therapy and get to feeling better.

[@samthescotsman]

i have ptsd from bullied in school every day from when i startedat 5 to left at 16. i had a breakdown at the end of the last year and only cam in for exams

[@haymeatball931]

Every morning for school I would go stand in line for the bus, but there was an older boy who always bullied me and seemed to be at the bus stop before me, even though I usually tried to be there 30 minutes to an hour early because the bus schedule was weird and some mornings it would come early, some mornings it would arrive later. One morning I got a sudden confidence rush and went to my bus stop ready to take no shit from this boy, as soon as he started making fun of my weight and looks, I started arguing back, calling him names too. He got in my face and eventually pushed me to the ground, so I got up and pushed him back. His reaction to me pushing back was to put me in a headlock and smash his fist into the back of my head. He was suspended from school for a few days and eventually moved away soon after. A couple months after what happened, I started having seizures. My first seizure, I was on the bus, halfway to school and then I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach like something bad was about to happen. Then I woke up at school, basically pushing past everyone trying to get off the bus because I was throwing up as soon as my feet hit cement. 11 years old. When I got to middle school, I was having 5 or more seizures a day that would drain all my energy and leave me confused after. I remember waking up from one of my seizures in the gym locker room, walking around aimlessly and my best friend at the time was calling my name, worried for me. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 13, but the diagnosis for what type of epilepsy they had was wrong. Started as grand mal, then turned into complex partial, blah blah blah, the doctors had no idea. They still don't and I'm 24 years old. They "think" it might be due to stress, but I've had multiple hospital stays for weeks at a time for stress testing and nothing ever came of it. They caught ONE seizure the entire month stay that I was there, when I was sleeping, and they said that when I had an episode, my brain activity lit up in the middle and went outwards to both sides of my brain, like a firework, which stumped them. I have a VNS implant for my epilepsy, which is kind of like a pace maker for the heart, but the VNS is supposed to stop the seizures. I went from having 5 or more seizures a day every day to having maybe 1 a month after getting the VNS.