I’m Worried About My Boyfriend Who Won't Talk About Any Of His Negative Emotions r/Relationships

[@AndyyWithAY]

If you lose attraction to a man because he cries when he needs to, you're a part of the problem. Crying is a helpful, cathartic experience that should be available to everyone regardless of gender. Men don't cry is such a stupid, toxic notion.

[@beachlife1498]

Not always is it a toxic notion. Sometimes being a man you have to hide your emotions so that you can be the strong one when everyone else around you is expressing their’s. Hypothetical situation a funeral. A very emotional time. I would rather hold my emotions in so I can be there for those who are having trouble. Then I will express my emotions later in private. It works better for me that way.

[@dream6562]

​@Beach Life it doesn't for me if I hold in my emotions to long it tends to show itself in a negative aspect in my behavior

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

Seeing this happen too often: Girl into BF Girl wants BF to be vulnerable BF becomes vulnerable Girl: uhh 🤔 😬 🏃‍♀️

[@stirlingarcher7972]

@@beachlife1498that’s not because ‘you’re a man’ that’s because that’s what works for you. There are plenty of women that will do exactly the same. It’s an incredibly toxic belief that men shouldn’t cry or show emotion. Holding emotion in isn’t just emotionally unhealthy it’s physically unhealthy for you.

[@bobob9969]

@@beachlife1498 Crying is a natural bodily function that secretes hormones that reduce the stress in the brain, it's why people call it "peeing for the brain". If you want to put your emotions aside to deal with things, that's understandable (ie dealing with being a beneficiary, or dealing with a crying child) but if it's "because man" that's pretty toxic

[@jessereyna6662]

I was told once by a female friend of mine that once her BF cried in front of her she lost respect for him and soon after the relationship was over. Sucks she told me this because I lost respect for her and didn’t see her the same way. Glad op wasn’t that type of person that wants their man to show more emotion and once they do, it’s over.

[@HaizeyWings]

That is so incredibly sad :( your poor friend's bf

[@pugsabi]

Story 2: a lot of people forget that they are actually naming an adult, not a sweet little baby. Childhood is just a small fraction of your life.

[@helar2574]

yeaaah, but it's most impactful on you. imagine beign bullied from 7 to 18 for your name. Adult can defend himself against it, most kids cant

[@pugsabi]

@@helar2574 I agree. What I was trying to convey is that these parents naming their kids these weird and wild names aren't thinking of them as people who grow up and have to carry these names with them, but are only thinking of them as these cute little babies. I've met people with names like Precious, Sweetie Pie, Tanisacutie (tan is a cutie), Shithead (pronounced Sha thee d) and Bonermerger (hippie parents).

[@Lalalein]

​@@pugsabiOh my god, these names are even worse than the completely stupid "Krxstxl" from the story. How can you name your child that you should be loving unconditionally an insult like "Shithead"? What's wrong with these people😭 This is exactly why I am SO glad that we have laws regarding what names you can and cannot give to your child in my country.

[@Lillireify]

Story 2 is the exact reason most countries have rules for naming your child 😂

[@WobblesandBean]

I agree. I'm so sick of ⬜ millennials saddling their children with these asinine, indecipherable names! It's so selfish and short-sighted. Any time I see a child with one such name, I pity them because I know their parents are self-absorbed conkwockets who don't give a toss about their child's well being.

[@TheBreaker996]

Uhum, like... Poor kid.

[@kateemma22]

KrixStixEl

[@katie6731]

As someone who was given a nickname for a name--Katie is my full first name, I'm not Kathleen, Katelyn, or Katherine--I agree that names can have a huge impact on the way the world treats people. I've had actual arguments with people who refuse to believe that "Katie" is my full name. I'm generally treated as if I'm much younger than 43; people who are younger than me routinely call me "honey" or "sweetie." That said, I know I have it *so* much better than a kid named "Krxstxl." I wonder what aspirations the parents have for that little girl. A child labeled with such a difficult name could easily grow up believing that their parents want life to be needlessly difficult for them. If they name her "Krxstxl," the parents are starting their baby's life out with distrust that they created and may never overcome.

[@j.graham8068]

Story 1: OP's BF describing a ball in his throat when trying to talk about emotions struck a chord with me. I have never been able to talk about emotions, and years ago a mentor of mine tried exploring the issue with me a bit. What I felt was my throat closing up and if I tried to push past it, I just started crying uncontrollably. It was years later after a family crisis that I (and my siblings too) finally came to realize that we had all been suppressing the effects of emotional neglect and abuse from our childhoods. Therapy has helped me understand that physical reaction of closing up, it was my body's response to trauma. Obviously, I cannot know if something similar is happening with OP's BF, but it's possible.

[@Deviczek]

Men overall are taught their whole life to be emotionless, that emotions will affect their life negatively and most likely.. They will, we only matter in hard times. It sucks but that's society and that's how men are treated.

[@gmun2248]

I get that a lot of people may not resonate with this, and I personally don't know how much I see it as metaphorical vs factual, but I think there's an arrogance in not keeping a bit of an open mind wrt practices that have existed for millennia. In ancient Chinese medicine & in Ayurveda (Indian subcontinent), & other Asian systems, the throat charka(s)/ corresponding acupressure points (et al) is linked with communication - for obvious reasons. There are many different alternative/ complementary treatments that will focus energy on this area when emotions are held back, or people are unable to clearly communicate their emotions. Western medicine would argue it could literally be vocal chords tightening with the stress of thinking about communicating vulnerability. I've heard the 'ball in the throat' used across all of the above. I don't think it matters what you choose to believe, but in releasing, or opening the area to allow energy/life/ chi/ veda/ words to flow is beneficial for many other aspects of our health. It's essentially a form of stress release. For people who do use, e.g. acupuncture or any other complementary treatments, this can help that release by a practitioner focusing on those points. For some, that may make opening up - in the way we more typically mean - becomes easier. (No intention of starting any debate on validity of anything. I'm all for keeping an open mind, but people choosing to believe & use what works for them. Just posting in case it is helpful to anyone.)

[@HaizeyWings]

I relate to that so much. I don't know what your gender is, but I'm a cis woman and I was raised to not show or contemplate negative emotions. My mother would literally tell me to "be a man!" if I was upset about something. In adulthood, it has made communication and expressing emotions extremely difficult, and I have a lot of work to do before reaching a healthy level of emotional maturity

[@j.graham8068]

@@HaizeyWings I'm so sorry that happened to you. I understand how hard it is to try to undo the damage done in childhood. Emotions were taboo in our family. We as children were allowed to be funny or smart, or better yet both at once. We were shamed and ridiculed for expressing any other emotion. I never heard either of my parents say 'I love you" to anyone and grew up believing love is something to be ashamed of. That is the hardest for me to overcome, and I may never fully do so. I so totally understand what you meant in saying it has made communication and expressing emotions extremely difficult! Impossible, sometimes. I wish you the best in your recovery. Remember that you deserved so much better from your mother.

[@AndyyWithAY]

And that's why we love you so much, Mark. You're a softboy and not afraid to feel or share your feelings, cry and the like. It's so refreshing.

[@heathermiller5765]

That's why I call him Hall-Mark lol ☺️

[@vampire9545]

"softboy" term is problematic

[@Munthegun]

Man, I’ve never wanted to give another dude a big ol hug as much as I wish I could OP’s BF in the first story. Both seem like real good humans who just need comfort

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

Yea, this had me in tears feeling pain for this guy!

[@WobblesandBean]

I feel bad for him, but there's no excuse for that kind of toxic behavior. Flat out refusing to communicate or show emotion is a MASSIVE red flag. He's extremely lucky to have OP, because any other woman with a shred of common sense would have walked away. I used to be more tolerant of that years ago, but every single guy I know who's done the whole "won't show emotions cuz that's weakness" BS has been extremely messed up, and even flat out abusive. Bottling things in always results in pressure building up, and sooner or later it's gonna blow. When it does, it always gets directed at the person closest to them. I'm glad OP and her BF are stumbling towards a more healthy way of communicating, but I'm still apprehensive about their future. He needs therapy, but I highly doubt he'd ever agree to go.

[@luizbezerra4373]

@@WobblesandBean well, if society (specially WOMEN) didn't punish men who dare to show emotions, maybe we would be more comfortable in doing so 🙄

[@CrowFusion]

​@@luizbezerra4373i wouldnt blame one gender, thats how this whole thing starts. everyone needs to just allow people to feel emotion. women need to be allowed to express emotion without being prissy, catty, rude, crybabies, etc, and men need to be allowed to express emotion without being belittled, being a small dick guy, pussy, etc. it needs to NOT be seen as toxic when soneone is inherently uncomfortable with showing emotion, as that's victim blaming. ops boyfriend didnt choose to be that way and hes not doing it maliciously, which rhat story directly proves.

[@CrowFusion]

​@@WobblesandBeanim sorry, but your whole comment seems toxic and brainwashed. im sorry you had bad relationshios but not every bottled up man is doing so with malicious intent. theyre victims, and most of the time they just need someonr to give them time, understanding, and ri listen. like what op did for her boyfriend. she wasnt being a pushover or immature, she was being a good partner and understands her boyfriend more than you and your assumptions ever will. my boyfriend was also extremely closed off and rarely even talked to me, but he loves me and he worked on it. he explained why he does it, he apologized, and hes gotten better. hes gotten no therapy, hes just had a caring and supportive girlfriend who understands and sympathizes with his situation. he never harmed me or abused me and it aounds like neither did ops boyfriend to her. your victim blaming is atrocious, and i wish you something better in life, since i dont believe anyone deserves to hesr what youre saying, even yourself.

[@MarkTrueblood]

Nearly every man including me has multiple experiences of opening up in relationships and then having it thrown back in our faces in one way or another. This is a big reason why we’re hesitant to do it.

[@michaelwoods3651]

Same! I will never cry in front of anyone again. Women don’t want a whiny emotional man! Men should tell their male friends if they need advice or to talk. Women almost always use a man’s vulnerability against them!

[@livlucid3877]

It’s tragic that some people throw others’ struggles back at them. I’ve had exes who were not great people, and I don’t look back at the relationship in a great light- but the one thing I’d never do is make fun of the moments they had were they were vulnerable. Those moments will be held as secrets till the day I die.

[@MarkTrueblood]

@@michaelwoods3651 Talk to male friends or get therapy or find a creative outlet. Note that “creative” doesn’t necessarily mean arts or writing, creative could also be working on a car or working out or chopping wood or whatever.

[@Spendomaniac]

It's not just women who do that.

[@lynnw7155]

Not everyone wants to talk about FEEELLLINGS. It would really annoy me if someone kept asking me to open up and talk about it....even the note and constant "are you OK" would have been too much for me. Just being there (hugging, touching) is enough for me.

[@ljh5141]

OP and her BF are both very fortunate people. OP has to be the sweetest, most caring soul in the world. The fact that BF finally gave himself over emotionally is a testament to that very special kind of caring. I wish them both so much happiness in their future together. Sincerest condolences on the passing of his dear Mom.❤❤❤❤❤

[@themandownthehall]

Yeah, she'll use that to attack him later. Guarantee it. It's what women do

[@johnowen9349]

They won't make it as a couple.

[@sarah.5524]

​@@themandownthehall don't be a Debbie Downer

[@JasmineSmith-vt2jc]

@@johnowen9349 that is a terrible take that says more about you than reality. This experience will likely be what makes them stronger as a couple and help them to make the distance

[@johnowen9349]

@@JasmineSmith-vt2jc No. Statistics, history, psychology, all of it says they're done. It's just gonna take a while to show. She's his new crutch, she volunteered for the job, and soon she's going to regret it, resent it, and hold it against him. She'll be at fault but she'll make him the bad guy and people like you will support her for it.

[@CarinaCoffee]

Story 1 is probably one of the most beautiful stories we ever had on here. It's human and raw and shows real connection. You should be able to be vulnerable with the people you love. It's good to cry now and again and I had that toxic shit about men not being allowed to cry. If you loose attraction to a partner for them being vulnerable than there's something really wrong with you.

[@jay2thaudy]

I'm so thankful that that man has a partner who cares this much. When my sister got diagnosed with cancer in September my wife was so essential to me. Just allowing me to ball my eyes out randomly when I needed it. Not talking or trying to talk me out of my sadness. Just listening and holding me. Since my sister passed a few months ago I still have those moments frequently but knowing I have a comfortable place to grieve makes things a little easier. OP is amazing.

[@SofieBjorkheim]

My condolences about your sister. Very happy to hear you have such an understanding and caring wife!

[@rebel1612]

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is so so hard. My sis passed in May

[@jay2thaudy]

@@rebel1612 so sorry to hear this! I hope you are starting to find your footing. I know it feels like free falling without a parachute at times. I'm just starting to feel like I'm getting a grip again. My thoughts go out to you and your family. ❤️

[@rebel1612]

@@jay2thaudy tha k ypu very much! Ia just starting to get my footing as well. I miss her like crazy, but I think I can began to live again

[@lovelywolv]

Perfect timing mark. The title reminded me of one of my sociology classmates. We were talking about how men are emotional too. He started arguing saying that he wasn't and we were trying to get him to realize that he's being emotional right now. He has a son and wants to push that on him. Which I think is heartbreaking because I asked if his kid fell and started crying what would he do. He replied "suck it up buttercup" To your kid though?? AND THEY'RE HURT? Some people just weren't raised with kindness.

[@jaycehoward2771]

Well being raised to not cry and show weakness is the norm and with so so so many women openly saying exactly that about being turned off by that stuff and then ppl wonder how these incel communities pop up. Why Jordan Peterson is so liked because he and a few others are actually saying things and standing up for men's issues that nobody in the world gives a shit about. Go look up the lesbian writer that decided to live as a man for a year and ended up killing herself because of how she was treated as a man. So the raising up part is some of it but men especially straight men are shamed into oblivion and most just laugh about it and the moment these dudes bring any of this up they are labeled a misogynist and it's really ugly. You can openly body shame men and mick them for emotions and it's all over social media. So dudes do not have anything easy and have very little help.

[@Pippa87]

@@jaycehoward2771 so many women or just a few on tiktok who get passed around and used as an example.

[@wmdkitty]

@@jaycehoward2771 I've never heard a woman say it's a turn-off. I think it's men who think it's a turn-off and project that onto women.

[@deadworld953]

@@Pippa87 Trash is interesting and trashy people are like a train wreck you can't look away from. What's weird is that people seem to forget that this kind of thing isn't representative of the norm, just the AHs, freaks and general dickheads.(I can't be the only one who noticed that the same trashy ladies on those podcasts and tiktoks keep showing up again and again but the clips are clearly differernt. Almost like they're having trouble finding enough to fill the 'demand'.) Imagine thinking Maury was representative of 'the average American'? Oh God, *is* that what non Americans think when they watch that crap? -_-

[@VNCstudios]

Story 1 is amazing. I feel like that relationship is going to be stronger than ever because of this. I am so happy OP got that connection that she clearly wanted and I am glad the boyfriend got a place where he can let go of those emotions that can get unbearable. To come away from something like this that can put strain on many relationships in a stronger place than before is rare.

[@AbbyPhillipsIsPeaches]

It truly is. I teared up listening to this story.

[@MarionHogan-m5i]

Reading about the first time she showered and washed his hair might have brought him back to his babyhood when he had ‘permission’ to cry. Bless her and the person who suggested washing his hair. ❤

[@emo7636]

This girlfriend in Story 1 sounded like the most thoughtful partner someone could have. I just find it so touching the way she treated him in the shower and afterwards. Every good person deserves a partner who is this willing to be helpful and intimate with them. Just so sweet. And that poor boy losing his mother just made me so sad.

[@emcustard]

Story 2: I, too, can personally confirm NTA. My mom wanted to name me Strawberry. Strawberry Custard, and I wish I was joking. Thankfully, her mom and my dad were able to talk her down, but I have a ~unique~ spelling of a common name. Hence why I go by Em and not my actual name. I HATED my name so much growing up, and it completely warped my view of names in general. Don't be cute. Don't be unique. Ask yourself: Will my child have to spell their name out over the phone any time they call the dr/gov agency/etc? If yes, pick a new name!

[@n.g.l.]

Foreign kids with non-English names: 👁️👄👁️

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

​@@n.g.l.my name was spelled wrong so americans can pronounce it. It did work for the most part but there obviously have been a lot of times where it was mispronounced. And by Indians too😢😂😂😂😂

[@ryznak4814]

Story one is probably one of the most bittersweet stories I have ever heard, OP is a wonderful person and I wish the best to her and her boyfriend.

[@ILJ68]

Story 2. My folks were hippies too. I got stuck with a male name from a different culture. Not only did I get bullied relentlessly, but as an adult, service providers made all sorts of assumptions prior to meeting me which caused all sorts of havoc. And my middle name is worse. However, because my dad was young when he died, and I was still young and loved him, I never had the heart to change it even though I have hated it my entire life. My kid got a very traditional name. Thought about using the Irish spelling as his dad’s family are from Ireland but decided instead to use the traditional spelling.

[@CrimsonAngelWinges]

I'm betting that when OP talked about changing his name the parents started guilting him. He needs to send the post to his sister and maybe his mom to.

[@WobblesandBean]

I'm glad you didn't go with the Irish spelling, because that's almost as bad as the insufferable"unique" names. It bugs me when people do that, because they're not Irish, and neither is your partner. He's American (assuming, apologies if wrong) with some Irish in their family history. Does he speak Gaelic? Does he cook traditional Irish food and uphold their customs? No. I bet he's never even BEEN to Ireland. That'd be like me naming my child "Zbynek", because my family is from Czechoslovakia. But both my parents and I are born american, and so would my child. Therefore, it'd be asinine to burden the poor kid with a name most Americans can't even pronounce, let alone spell.

[@WobblesandBean]

​@@CrimsonAngelWinges Plus, it's $450 just to file for a legal name change, I'm not sure if there are further court fees after that but I wouldn't be surprised. So that last commenter who was all "sHouLd hAvE cHaNgEd yOuR nAmE" is a conkwocket. What, do they expect OP to pull a wad of cash out of thin air?

[@ILJ68]

@@WobblesandBean no. Husband was Scottish, his mum and dad were from Ireland. We live in Scotland so Irish spellings aren’t unusual as there are plenty of Gaelic names.

[@ILJ68]

I was an American, but emigrated many moons ago and have since naturalised.

[@Katsufon]

I have to say its so relieving to finally hear a story about someone being a good partner in these videos

[@charliesangel1]

As a person who was bullied from kindergarten all the way through high school and by her own family I was picked in a lot for my name till I eventually grew to hate it. I actually found out a few years ago that I have the same name as my great grandmother, only spelled differently. I now wear it as a badge of honor

[@abm5119]

Story 1: I was really worried, but damn, OP is a real one. Story 2: Parents who name their kid without a thought to how the world will react to the name are pieces of crap. This is coming from someone who has some experience with what it takes to legally change their name. But, OP, I'm assuming you are now an adult, so have you changed your name?

[@lovelysakurapetalsyt]

Yeah, like some names just aren't meant for people who will grow up in the shitty world we live in

[@despinasgarden.4100]

@@lovelysakurapetalsyt i just don't understand why she can't just name the little girl Crystal? What are the Xs for? Crystal is an okay name and not very usual.

[@netgnostic1627]

@@despinasgarden.4100 It's a bit like Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Wyld Stallyns.

[@Ashstar4]

There was a couple in New Zealand a few years back that were divorcing and were in a custody battle and everyone learned they named their year old daughter "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii" the girl was so embarrassed of name she told everyone her name was K. The judge was not amused and placed the girl (9 at the time) under court order custody so that she could change her name.

[@carolroberts4614]

I remember the Tallulah case! Here in the UK there was a couple who named their baby girl after an English football team! So she had at least 11 men's names. I can't remember any more details. Poor girl!

[@markchang2]

Story 1 made me cry. I love the vulnerability of it all. I'm glad her boyfriend was able to get to a point where he could show those emotions around her. The showering part reminded me of my first relationship. The first time I went to my then boyfriend's place we showered together. He helped me wash my hair and boy was that a new level of intimacy I discovered. Nothing sexual about it. Just a way he felt he could show he cared about me. I wish everyone could experience something like that in their relationships.

[@Mama_Bear_of_3]

Story 2. When my brother and his wife named their first born we all pointed out what her initials would be. They both blew it off and said no one would notice. Well, my poor niece was bullied horribly in school. I won't give her a real name but will use names that would give the same initials. Cathy Leigh Irene Thompson, yes her initials spell out C.L.I.T. the second she turned 18, she petitioned the court and had her name changed, dropping Leigh and Irene. Parents need to truly think about the names they give their children, and how they might affect the said children. Her parents were furious with her for destroying the well-planned name they gave her because the 2 middle names were that of each grandmother to honor them both. They told her that she should have just waited, because once she was married her initials would change anyway. But, ironically her husband's last name also starts with a T (besides what if she didn't want to take her husband's last name). Even both grandmothers protested what bro and SIL wanted to name their daughter when they announced, as they both immediately realized what her initials would be.

[@terramarini6880]

So they just couldn't swap the Irene and Loise? And why were her mates even aware? Most schools only use first and last outside of official documentation, The only thing I have from school that states my middle name is my diploma and by that age it's easier to shrug off AH's.

[@brigidtheirish]

@@terramarini6880 I have a horrible feeling the parents called her by her full name when picking her up.

[@GraveyardMaiden]

God her parents are dicks, like they should have swapped the middle names once that was pointed out

[@AndyyWithAY]

Vulnerability is very important to me. I could never be with someone who couldn't open up to me after 3 years. 3 months maybe, but not 3 years. That's not the life I want. If he's not there yet, I wonder if he ever will be. That would be a fundamental incompatibility

[@Deviczek]

While I understand completely men are conditioned their whole life that their emotions don't matter, worse yet, that they will affect life negatively if shown(other than aggression, which is accepted somehow) and years of suppression makes that nearly impossible to change. Only exception being some really hardcore stuff, in the last 15 years+ I cried only in the face of death that was not even a human and my gf of 6+ years never seen me do so, only heard my stuffed nose in the locked bathroom. It's really sad but that's what society do to men, we were not born this way.

[@DePhoegonIsle]

The real question is.. 'what is opening up' for you that is. Do you need someone to rage, cry, break down when shit hits the fan, or what? I'm in fully agreement of being able to process emotions in a very healthy way.. but... idk... something about it is a bothersome aspect.

[@TheBre1491]

Some introverts do better with writing there feelings than speaking them. Maybe that would that be an option for her bf? Being emotionally open would be extremely important to me, I don’t think id could be in a relationship that long without the emotional openness. I love a man that can be venerable. ❤

[@tiffanynielsen2212]

Never has one of these stories made me cry before, but that story broke me. I’ve never read so much love in a post before, and the care OP shows for their SO is untouchable.

[@baskervillebee6097]

Though the 1st story could be helpful for another in dealing with a private person in crisis, the boyfriend might be upset that his intimate story was shared publicly.

[@devchekhov7512]

As long as there are no clear identifiers (could have said a good friend/relative was dying of non-specific disease to get some more distance), then it should be okay. However, I would have edited it down a lot to reduce the risk.

[@islajadepierre9060]

I grew up with a boy whose parents named him BONNIE. He complained about being teased mercilessly for it all the time. And when he asked his parents why they named him that, his parents response was almost identical to OP’s, to stick it to the man. He changed it to Micheal when he turned 18 and his parents were so angry. He told them he didn’t care, that they didn’t have to live what he went through, and they were crappy parents to use him for a political statement. They kept chastising him about it and now he’s NC. Names matter whether people want to accept that or not. Just seeing certain types of names on paper have prevented people from getting jobs.

[@tallyp.7643]

R'amen! My name's not super unusual in the sense that I've seen others with the same spelling, but when you pair it with a last name that maybe 1 in 15 can pronounce or spell right the first time, it makes it hard. And with everything being online communication, face-to-face meetings are full of surprises. Lost count of the folks who assumed I was an immigrant because they'd never seen my last name before &/or thought I spoke Spanish or Italian b/c of my first name. Just a boring American white woman, but the database doesn't see that til much later in the form.

[@shannonbullock2202]

OP should be a writer!! It's like I felt her bf's pain through her words. I felt like I was fighting emotions with him and cried my eyes out when he did. Her writing is pretty damn powerful and I hope she discovers that. I'd probably read everything she published for the emotional release!!

[@denelva]

Gods, that first one... As an autistic woman with something called alexithymia - difficulty with reckognizing my own emotions - it was incredibly hard dealing with the death of my niece two years ago. I remember walking around numb, like in shock for weeks and how my husband got really surprised by how much I cried, since it's so unusual for me to cry. It's not that I hold myself back from crying, it's just that it's not something that comes easy for me and I rarely feel at ease from crying. "Having a good cry" or "crying it all out" unfortunately doesn't work that well for me. Mostly, crying makes me feel tired and confused, a bit too raw... So hooooly crap, I can relate to not wanting/being able to cry. And OP is just the best! So accepting, so focused on how to meet her partner on his terms!!! I didn't cry in my husband's arms, it wasn't what I needed and at times I had to remind him that there was literally NOTHING none of us could do to make the pain go away, that the best thing was to accept it for what it was. That made my husband realise he didn't have to come up with something to fix it - because you can't fix a dead 11-year-old. I still mourn her, but the grief comes in other forms now and it was incredibly important to be allowed to cry on my own terms and grieve in the way that came natural to me. OP is *chef's kiss* of a partner! The respect, the care, the genuine urge to find a way to be there for him! It made me happy hearing this story, knowing that OP's partner has such a great support in her and in a way that works not just for him, but for her as well. And the idea that men crying would mean they're less attractive??? Sure, if they cry constantly for everything even slightly annoying in their lives, THAT would be unattractive - but the same goes for women and that's thankfully really rare. It's not attractive with men OR women being happy ALL the time either. If crying helps and you're able to cry, then you should cry! If it doesn't help - you're not required to! And neither makes anyone of any gender less or more in any capacity!

[@sardonically-inclined7645]

Story 2: I can't imagine having to grow up surround by people like that. Well, in 19 years he can tell his niece he was the only one who gave any pushback. Not a single adult among the rest of them. Good god, pray for that child.

[@clrtwallace0116]

Story 1 - wow, what an amazing partner the OP is. I literally cried listening to this story.

[@jennyanswer42]

Story 2: husband and I are huge nerds and love naming pets after nerdy things. Yet when we had kids we managed to keep nerdyness confined to the middle name only (and subtly). You can, in fact, keep such things to yourself.

[@GraveyardMaiden]

Tbh with nerdy stuff it can be easy to be subtle when naming your kids, as long as you're not naming them with high fantasy/ sifi stuff like frodo or zoidberg you're good

[@BritInvLvr]

Story one. I am probably gonna get some backlash but OP has me concerned that they were more focused on how their bf’s vulnerability made them feel than the bf. It was borderline Munchausen by proxy. The story made me uncomfortable. I would never in a million years tell anyone about my husband’s and mine most private moments. Not even on Reddit, not even anonymously.

[@itsalwayshalloweenexceptwh5118]

I noticed that too. Kind of had an icky vibe.

[@truthseeker9249]

Me too. But I couldn't even think too much about that because this story made my boyfriend break down in tears and I needed to hold him. I wanted to see this story as sweet but I just couldn't. It just felt like OP wanted to be the "hero" and wasn't actually thinking about her boyfriend's well-being. The way she was just being so so pushy kinda triggered me. It reminded me of my mom and my doctors and therapists in the past. How everyone was always so forceful and never stopped for a second to actually think about what I want. Or think that maybe I'm not just a stupid kid or that I'm not so mentally ill that I don't know what's best for myself. I know I know I'm being dramatic but OP honestly reminded me of that. Sometimes people just don't want to express themselves. And it's perfectly natural and legitimate. Sometimes people need support but other times people need to deal with things on their own in their own way. My boyfriend and I both understand that about each other which is why we have a good relationship. We are there for each other when needed and we give each other space to heal independently when needed. Original commenter I am not going to backlash you.

[@paden1865able]

Some people just deal with negative emotions and grief in private, it's a part of themselves that they just cannot share. I'm one of those people, I work mine out through physical effort and clean like a demon is trying to bite my ass. I was an over emotional child and self control was hard to learn, so I hang onto that control with all that's in me. My therapist said it was a result of not being neurotypical and trying so hard to pass as "normal".

[@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse]

I’m the one that closes off and has trouble expressing emotion in my relationship - my partner is very patient, just his being there next to me and not pushing me to share means so much when I am having a hard time. When I do share, he always thanks me after for letting him be in that moment with me. It takes time but people who are walled off do WANT to share it with someone we love, it’s just very very hard to do.

[@momshardrockvideos]

I’m so sad for your bf. I lost my dad and he was everything to me and my kids. He is incredibly lucky to have someone like you in his life. I’m happy he let you him. I hope he will be able to come to a good place in his life in terms of losing his mom. You are an amazing gf/partner.

[@clairebear-96]

1st OP is such a lovely supportive partner, my mum passed away from cancer about 9 1/2 years ago and that whole story made me cry… the best hug I ever had was from my aunt, the morning after my mum passed, she hugged me for at least 10 minutes straight and I’ll remember it for my whole life

[@iSmileyPerson]

I’ve only ever seen people crying in their car like twice in my life and it honestly made me tear up myself because I feel like you have to be going through *a lot* if you’re crying while driving.

[@Mypalpayton]

Story two- Aww man that’s a horrific name! He’s absolutely right. She will be bullied, teachers will think her parents are stupid. If she doesn’t change her name as soon as she’s able to she won’t get job offers. He was too hard on his sister and that’s going to make her think she needs to prove it’s not an awful name by naming her daughter exactly that though

[@tabeechey]

There really is nothing more beautiful than genuine expressions of love. It doesn't matter if it is between partners, friends, parents and kids, siblings, or other relatives. Just wanting to be gentle with someone else's heart and finding fulfillment in being able to do so is really lovely. Thank you for sharing, and for being genuinely gentle and loving yourself!

[@katherinekloepfel5326]

regarding the hug you talked about at the 16 minute point- i love hugs; i love giving them and receiving them from others. "Guy hugs" like the one your boss gave you are by far my favorite!

[@smarttechaddict]

Beautiful. I also shed a tear. Mark, you're being emotionally mugged, everything is OK then a song, smel whacks you over the head and ypu cry so hard. You're healing when you can smile and cry.

[@animatorstanley]

The first story hit me real hard, it went through a similar situation as OPs BF and it's super hard to let people see you in such a vulnerable way. I hope they can heal and come out the other side stronger.

[@rylashadow18]

S1) Has he tried counseling? Have you suggested couple's counseling? See if those options help with the lines of communication. Trauma is one of those things that you're at your vunerablest. If he's had that vunerability abuse/ misused in the past it could be harder to let people in. Learn what brings him comfort. Favorite movies, food and offer to take walks with him. Being able to just take things in while letting things go does wonders for the soul. Give him time space and "I'm here for you for whenever you're ready to talk." Then just follow his lead. S2) Good on you OP. Someone had to give them a dose of reality. This is a living, human being not some trinket she wants to name. How can OP suck for not wanting childhood trauma for his innocent niece? His sis and mom suck thinking this is "cute". It's not cute, trendy or making a positive statement. It is however a surfire way to get her to cut them out at 18 though.

[@vyspeeds]

I definitely cried listening to that. I got chills when she was describing the first showering, I’ve never thought of washing someone else’s hair as a bonding method. That was beautiful

[@comajuice]

I usually lurk and rarely comment but I really appreciate this post and you covering it. I struggle with helping people with negative emotions like that, and my partner has been close to losing people several times and I never know what to do and I think this would greatly help him when that time comes. So I appreciate having this knowledge myself as well and I'm so glad it worked for OP.

[@captainhades4503]

Man story one had me in tears. Just sounds like such a beautiful moment during such a rough time. And Mark I think we’ve all been there with crying over a song that made us think of our loved ones. I had it happen to me in front of my entire church on Christmas Eve. My grandfather had passed away a little over a week prior. I was apart of the choir at my church and we were singing one of the song and I just got hit with the memory from when he was first learning to play the piano and he was so excited and proud that he had learned to play that song and I just started crying. Not sure how many people actually noticed but I was embarrassed. But we shouldn’t feel embarrassed over these things, anybody who would judge you over tears isn’t worth having around. Love your videos. They always brighten my day. Love you 💜

[@seabreezeblank1513]

Leave the guy a hell alone why is it been a couple of days since he's taking a shower leave him alone to get over his mom being so ill so he can be there with her You people need to get a grip

[@whitney10784]

Man this is a tear jerker! Losing a parent is one of the worst things to go through. When I lost my dad it hurt so fucking much. It’s been 12 years and I’m just now being ok living with that pain.

[@ItsYaBoiV]

There's nothing like having a very stoic person open up to you in that way. The amount of trust they have to have in you, to be so vulnerable, it's honestly something life changing. I don't understand how some people can be like "omg they cried, it's so gross" as if we don't all come into the world sobbing.

[@itsalwayshalloweenexceptwh5118]

I'm not sure stoic is the right word, it has so many positive connotations after all. What OPs bf, and many other people, seem to have is a habit of repressing emotions which is something we tend to do when we don't feel safe enough to show emotion. It's a survival mechanism that ends up harming us though.

[@samsanders-dt5zb]

😢 sooo beautiful, all the comments helped her support him 😢 I'm nearly crying. I need to cuddle all my family in the morning ❤❤❤

[@Fingerscrossedout]

I also am in tears from this story. This is so heartbreaking yet so incredibly beautiful... I'm so sorry yet so happy they can be so safe and vulnerable with each other. I hope they feel better soon!😢

[@Alberto-wu1mj]

I struggle with vulnerability as well. I also get the lump in my throat feeling at times when I deal with loss and pain.

[@TheDarwinProject1]

The last story is a good example of why "bias" isn't automatically a bad thing. Its only bad when someone is unaware of their bias.

[@mracula1667]

Holy moly that was intense. I listen to a lot of these Reddit posts shaking my head that I don’t understand these people. I understand what these people are going through.

[@jeanproctor3663]

Story 1 - I have to say that this OP is one amazing person. To be able to bring their boyfriend out of his emotional shell like that and to let him know that they're there for him wholly and entirely is a wonderful, caring and beautiful thing. When you're going through the run up and aftermath of a bereavement it's so vital to have someone that you're able to do that with and having the code phrases like "take a shower" are a brilliant way to do that because it's being able to say it without even voicing the reasons because sometimes you just can't. When the same thing happened in my family I didn't feel able to do the same with anyone and I didn't want to burden anyone else with what I was feeling and I even carried on going to work throughout except for the days of my parent's funerals. People always say that they'll "be there for you" but you just don't want to say something like "you say that now but *how much* do you actually mean that?" because it's not something you can even put a depth to is it? Both me and my other half lost our parents over a period of a couple of years but were never openly vulnerable to each other even though we'd been together over ten years by the time we lost our first parent (his Dad). Grief is a very strange beast. Story 2 - OP is definitely NTA. I got ribbed for years growing up and mine's not even a stupid spelling or masquerading as a different gender name, just very old-fashioned. My Grandma chose it, I have no middle names and it isn't the name my Mum wanted for me either (that would have been Tracy Anne, but instead my Grandma won and I was named after my cousin who, incidentally, is eleven years my senior. Names matter. Think of the future impact on your children when you're going through baby names and considering something the Silly Muskman might use.

[@Aspie2796]

There's an analogy about grief that I love. Grief is like a box with a ball and a button in it. When the ball hits the button, the emotions start. Sometimes, the ball is big, but overall and overtime, the ball is small.

[@jw6877]

Honestly find it really inspiring and refreshing that you're so open about your experiences with grief Mark. I think it can be very confusing and scary when we don't talk about how to cope with life after loss I remember my therapist gave me a painful truth about grief that now I'm very grateful for: the pain of loving and losing someone doesn't go away, but it will become easier to carry because time dulls the sharpness and immediacy of the feeling. And yes, sometimes something trips the switch and the pain becomes just as heavy as it was at the beginning - but it's okay to sit with that feeling and let it move through your emotional landscape I think OP is absolutely brilliant in just letting her boyfriend's grief move through him without judgement but with love and kindness - sometimes words fail at the enormity of the feeling itself

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

This was a very sad, but very sweet story. ❤ And I agree with OP. Men should be allowed to cry and have emotions. They have feelings too. Anyone who mocks men for crying are just awful. And they should be ashamed of themselves. OP's such a sweet and beautiful angel. ❤ This actually reminds me of the night I lost one of my grandmothers. My poor daddy had broke down crying. That was the first time I can remember him crying. I was angry for him because he told me the last time he saw her, she looked like she was getting better. Daddy is better now, but I still try to cherish Daddy, help him when he needs it and make him happy. ❤ And that's exactly what OP did for her boyfriend. I really hope OP and her boyfriend make it. They seem perfect for each other! 💕

[@ohboy-zi1yf]

Crying in general is mocked, women are called overreactive and emotional and idiotic for crying so it's then forced on men to not cry to not seem the same. Patriarchy is a bitch and we'd all be better off w/o it

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

@@ohboy-zi1yf That's awful. This toxic mindset of crying being a sign of weakness and whatnot needs to be completely dead in the water.

[@HaizeyWings]

@@ohboy-zi1yf 100%, patriarchy is a scourge upon humanity

[@tent163phantoka]

I saw the first story on Reddit the other day and it made me cry

[@kristinecollier9155]

That was a beautiful story, OP's and yours, Mark. Thanks for sharing both, I cried during both! LOL

[@You_said_what1]

Story one is beautiful. I truly hope the boyfriend never finds these posts.

[@socialmoon]

While bittersweet & painful, the first story is also truly beautiful & really touched my heart.

[@lnaph]

Sometimes all you need when grieving a loss is someone to be near you, as the emotions are too raw sometimes to want to talk... just not being alone is huge.

[@QuicksilverFox85]

I feel ya 100% on a song bringing back memories of a loved one who has passed on. Living on a Prayer was one of my sister's favorite songs, and the last time it came on the radio at work I made it to the bridge before I just started bawling.

[@roowyrm9576]

Sometimes just being with someone, touching their hand or shoulder, is enough to let them know you are there for them. You don't always have to speak. But - listening if THEY want to speak is important. I don't mean just nodding your hear and "uhha" noises, I mean truly hearing them. That said OP and So are lucky to have each other. I hope they get through this and gain strength from each other. And, thank you Mark, for being such an open caring person.

[@HaleyJo1992]

I've always embraced the numbness too. I didn't lose my mom last year, but came very close, and I was grateful my normal response is to go numb. It let me take care of her the way she needed during her recovery.

[@EmberBrinton.eb15]

The empathy in the first story 😭😭❤️ so sweet she’s a good partner. Im autistic so it’s sometimes hard for me to communicate what I’m feeling (the lump in the throat is real) poor guy needed that 🫂❤️

[@colettelheureux-stevens3826]

When my second brother passed just shortly over two years after my first brother passed (both in their early 20's both from accidents) The kindest thing some ever did for me was a teach at the tech school I was attending didn't say a word but just came up to me and hugged me, then walked away. He somehow knew that I didn't want or need another person telling me how sorry they were for me loss.

[@ScarletSerenade]

Story 1: My goodness, this story made me ache for OP’s boyfriend. OP is an amazing partner. What an incredibly beautiful act of love. ❤

[@ec9833]

2nd story…gotta love how the mom & sister, presumably with non-issue names, brushed him off because HE NEVER ACCEPTED HIS NAME. 🤦🏽‍♀️ That’s the fecking point. He’s the damn point! They’re so far up their own asses that they decided that the child will what? Not have any issues because they’re ignoring the proof she will because of their sole desires and/or they just don’t give a shit what the kid endures from before birth. It’s far deeper than it might seem.

[@coyoteblue9605]

Story 2 OP needs to throw himself wholeheartedly behind the name! Call the niece-to-be "Crick-stickle" at every opportunity. When they complain, explain that's how that travesty is pronounced.

[@CatAstridphe]

Often, one of my go-to phrases is "It'll be okay. A different kind of okay, but still okay." Because in grief like that, you often feel like nothing will ever be okay again. Everything is also different forever. I think it's a good reminder that "Okay" and forever different can get along peacefully with time.

[@kieramaccourt8717]

Story 1: This made me cry. The comment "thank you for making me feel human," just tore me up inside. OP and her boyfriend will have a relationship that few people will ever experience now.

[@gretchenmyers1279]

story 1: what a wonderful person and partner OP is!

[@DePhoegonIsle]

Story 1: IDK, the way OP talks about how the bf being unable to get vulnerable... seriously makes me think this is way more about ... her, than anything else. I might be a bit ... off, but the whole thing feels like you're being forced down a path and honestly.... While it's obviously critical to deal with your emotional state.... constantly attempting to be forced to 'open up' is .... not ok. IDK, I frankly feel ... put off entirely.. and while I can completely understand being thrilled about someone opening upto you.. I would honestly feel as if I was just this project for some person and me at my lowest point (even though crying and letting it out and processing it was the healthy thing to do) that you found .... joy from a moment of sheer hell, because you got something out of it. I can't say I would stay with someone like that honestly.. Introverted or not, that feels as if a line was crossed and a weird bit of violation. I wouldn't be able to shake it.. and wonder if I would have to have more shit moments for the relationship.. because you like that vulnerable bit that no one else gets tosee >.> Just idk... this bothers me on a very deep level.

[@sphinx5306]

Thankyou!!! I was looking for this comment. I was losing my mind feeling like I was the only one icked by the story. And to post such an extremely personal and vulnerable moment online for 100s of strangers to see? It freaked me out. Sorry I know you posted this forever ago.

[@saldiven2009]

Personally, I think it's kind of selfish to expect someone else to express their emotions in the time/place/manner than suits my needs. I'd rather try to understand and accept the way they handle their emotions and provide a healthy support structure for them. There is no one correct way that people need to express emotions. Not everyone needs to shed tears, not everyone needs to lash out, not everyone needs to be physically comforted. Some people need to be alone to process. Some people mourn internally. And, that's ok, too.

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

This! 😊

[@dandotvid]

Yeah I feel like she wants him to be vulnerable around her just as a stroke to her own ego. Just BE there for him! He doesn't have to express himself in ways that are to your liking.

[@truthseeker9249]

Exactly. I just replied to another comment like this.

[@Batman-lg2zj]

Op wasn’t selfish though . She actually comforted him.

[@sphinx5306]

I agree

[@danastein8603]

I went through a similar experience with my husband when his grandmother (who raised him) passed from covid. He completely broke down, and I think this was the healthiest thing he could do at the time. I honestly felt honored that he was comfortable sharing that moment with me, trusted me with the intensity of his grief. It absolutely made us closer, and in no way impacted my attraction or respect for him. If anything, I was proud of him for being brave enough to let himself feel it, as well as letting his guard down with me. If you don’t have mutual support in your relationship during the most difficult life events, what’s even the point?

[@Windxchild]

Story 2: not the a**hole… My parents gave me an unusual name, that is mostly used for guys (I’m female). It has inconvenienced me all my life. From never finding merchandise with my name on it as a kid, to being bullied for it in high school and as an adult, constant confusion about my gender from anyone who communicates with me digitally, before meeting me in person (professional connections, Uber drivers etc.) I have started warning friends and colleagues who are pregnant about this now, because it’s not something you want to do to your child.

[@strandedinseattle9931]

Story 1: It sounds like OP's boyfriend may be suffering from a form of Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's not that he is purposefully withholding from OP. I empathize to her want to see emotion, but hounding him to express himself is only going to make him more reluctant. It's also a little creepy how elated she gets that he cries, as though she's won something hard fought for, but it is about his mother passing. That's not healthy. She is going to look for more ways to make him cry to feel intimacy with him.

[@sphinx5306]

Thankyou!

[@karachristen6484]

The first story is so sad, but so sweet

[@RockyGems]

The rule I've heard when it comes to picking your child's name is to imagine if you had to pick a lawyer to represent you in a murder trial, would you take someone with that name seriously?

[@LeeLeesBanter]

1st story broke my heart & warmed it at the same time❤

[@callmema14]

This made me cry. I know that feeling of losing someone. I lost my mom and I felt lost despite the fact I'm grown. It's still hurts going on 3 years after her death. It's hard to confide in people because many don't get it. The girlfriend is doing the right thing

[@HerresherOfTaza]

I almost cryed in the firt strorie as someone who bottles up all

[@crow6221]

She's such a darling. He is blessed. AND THE SECOND STORY HOLY LOL

[@kristinewatson3702]

This was such a beautiful post. OP did amazing given her concerns with how to approach this situation. Sometimes there are no words to say but comforting touch can be so healing. I wish her BF healing and comfort as he grieves. Losing your parent is so hard. I wish I had someone as kind as OP when I lost mine.

[@princesssunshine874]

Some people just don't talk about feelings. When something bad happens like this, get out their favorite blanket and pillow. Prepare a cup of tea or favorite meal. Ask what movie they want to watch. Give them a massage, hold their hand. The shower time was the exact right thing to do.. It's such a sweet, intimate thing... This was such a good idea. My bf is a massage therapist and when he gives me a massage if anything is repressed I feel it release. It is such a relief.

[@FreeToWaffle]

Mark, I just wanted to say that you have the biggest and most beautiful heart. You bring so much love into this world, and to all of us here daily. There’s no doubt that your parents would be so proud of the person you are. I’m so thankful to be able to have your positivity and kindness in my life through your work ♥️

[@snakeeyes80012]

When you lose someone you love, it doesn't get better, just easier to manage your emotions. Every being deserves to cry.

[@soulreaper1981]

Story 1: you don't always need to talk. Being there often is enough. Just holding someone and letting them know if you want to talk you can, but you don't have to. I'm here as long as you need me (take it form a guy how lost his dad at 24)

[@dash9641]

Oh god now I can't get the image out of my head of Mark crying in his car and someone just catching like a 0.2 second glimpse of him as they pass him in the other lane and just them thinking "Damn that much be a good song!"

[@wildwikedwanderer1208]

Listened to this while grocery shopping. Had to hold back sniffles and tears.

[@CanonSkyrissian]

story 2: I wanna share my mom's naming method that she should patent (lol): when naming your child, ask yourself the following, "would I take a person with this name seriously if they were running for president?" your kid can change their name to whatever silly shit they want when they're grown up, but when they're children just ask yourself that. NTA albeit pretty harsh

[@kateemma22]

OP1 is such an angel. I love her so much.

[@HaruDoneYet]

There was a video I seen the other day of a woman outside on her steps telling someone that her mother had passed. The video was one of those doorbell cameras that caught it. Anyway she broke down and the neighbor from across the street heard her, walked over and gave her a hug. It wasn’t one of those one arm and a pat hugs either, they pulled her close and held her while she sobbed until her family got there. The video said she appreciated it too. I do feel the need to say that you should ask permission when possible, last thing you want is to scare someone who is already in such a vulnerable state. Hugs are very powerful though, and sometimes that’s all you need.

[@Spendomaniac]

Hi Mark. When my youngest sister and brother were babies my (step) dad used to sing "Ghost Riders In The Sky" to them while rocking them to sleep. He did the same thing with my and my sibling's kids, his grandchildren. My dad died six years ago. About two years ago I was shopping with my daughter when I suddenly burst into tears. A busker was singing "Ghost Riders In The Sky" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. These things catch us unawares from time to time and bring the grief back. It may not be full-on waterworks, but there will be a definite sadness. I suspect it lasts a lifetime.

[@FlashQuatsch]

this reminded me of Mandark from Dexter's Lab, his parents named him Susan and had him wear dresses and have long hair, and Dexter was the first to laugh at him

[@Mia-dt3gl]

Story 2 reminds me of a AITA story I read on Reddit awhile back, where OP’s sister named her daughter Leuce. It was a name from a nymph in Greek mythology, but the name was literally pronounced as “loose”. OP warned her sister to _not_ name her daughter this because she would be bullied, but the sister thought that the pronunciation didn’t matter because the name itself was beautiful to her. Predictably, poor little Leuce was bullied horrendously because of her name and the child grew to hate her own name. OP started calling her Lucy, which her niece MUCH preferred over Leuce and she insisted that she only be called Lucy and not Leuce. OP in that case was asking AITA because her sister was REALLY pissed about this and was adamant that her daughter be called Leuce and not Lucy. So no, OP in Story 2 is NTA. Parents who decide that they want to be “unique” or give their child a terrible name out of spite have no consideration for what their child may go through.

[@LunarisArts]

You talking about a random song having you in tears, had me wondering which would remind me of my parents after they pass, and my first song was P.I.M.P. by 50cent. Odd, yes, but it'll always make me remember them, their love of dancing, and how they spontaniously dance swing to hiphop/rap music... well, any music.