I Think I May Be a Jerk of a Husband (Am I?)

[@lisajeter9511]

I can understand why she would avoid such a conversation. I have a husband that just refuses to having such conversations. He claims he’s always being attacked!

[@joannetullini6814]

Very familiar

[@christis9951]

Curious, what should we say to that?

[@amyk.2500]

Leave him

[@robinmcclure6629]

That's what mine does

[@unicorncupcake9083]

The best advice I had while I was with a man like that was being told to change the way I spoke my needs. Instead of “I don’t like it when” or “You always” try “Y’know when you used to do (or) I love when you do xyz, could you do that more?” In short encourage the behavior you love to see. Criticism scares them off and leaves you alone with the mess. Encouragement invites them to show up for you the way you need them to.

[@leahcompton2522]

20 years in....and I live separately right now. I should have listened to my inner voice before marriage. The last 15 years my husband has done nothing. I've mourned my relationship for a very long time. I just feel relief now. I'm tired, but relieved.

[@justinstewart3248]

What do you mean by “nothing”. What have you done or not done to fail this relationship on your end?

[@leahcompton2522]

@@justinstewart3248 well...as an intimate relationship with a significant other nothing would be; sex only on his terms, so once every few months. No kissing, no cuddles, no physical contact unless it was a precursor to sex. no "how was your day" either way, He didn't answer the question or ask the question, if I shared anything He wouldn't have a conversation about anything with me because "you get to emotional " so no talking or chatting about anything other than the weather or what's for dinner. Seriously No talking, or listening on his side, about the children. We have special needs adopted children that require a lot of care. He didn't participate in doctors appointments, school appointments, specialist appointments, nor did he want to hear anything about them. He didn't help take care of them unless asked. No getting up in the night No bathing No playing, no parks,bike rides, throwing a ball No talking with them unless they came to him. This also included our biological children. No house cleaning No dinners cooked, I even precooked and froze meals when I had surgery so he wouldn't have to do it. I did the yard work Most maintenance that didn't require heavy lifting I maintained the pool I maintained the cars and made sure they got timely maintenance and oil changes. I took care of all the finances and got us out of 50k worth of debt. And made sure we had good life insurance. He did work steadily for years. It's just the last few years that got really bad for him. He was very depressed and very overwhelming. I get it. My side: I spent a LOT of years over worked, overwhelmed, and angry. I yelled way too much at my children and made our house even more chaotic. I got angry and resentful . I probably should have tried harder to get him to get some help.

[@vaska1999]

​@@justinstewart3248 Who do you think you are?! 😂

[@justinstewart3248]

@@vaska1999 just asking questions is all

[@Rotting12]

@@justinstewart3248jajajjajaja incel

[@tonyadockery1321]

We (as husbands and wives) need to stop focusing on being great at work but good at home and go to being good at work and GREAT at home. Your number 1 most important earthly relationship is your covenant, one-flesh spouse. Where you can be transparent and shame free in spirit soul, and body. That’s what one-flesh means.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Unfortunately that is a primarily female perspective... not to many men see their home life as a priority let alone the primary priority. Outside of sex, their marriage is essentially just a complication.

[@Mscookie3131]

@@sarahalderman3126I was just about to say that. Women definitely feel that way. Men get their joy by being great providers.

[@sarahalderman3126]

@@Mscookie3131 exactly👍

[@tonyadockery1321]

I understand that, I am also going off of a biblical idea of marriage, so if that’s not your worldview then it is what it is. Being great at home doesn’t mean chores and such. What I mean by that is being present at home in the form of husband and father. Spiritual and emotional intimacy with your spouse is a biblical order, not a female perspective. The daily activities are decisions between husband and wife. I’m not talking about those. If a man needs work to go out and conquer but leaves his family behind in the process, God holds him, as the head of the household, responsible for the emotional and spiritual health of the family.

[@citrustaco]

@@tonyadockery1321 This is not what women typically want from a man. Women by and large prefer men who make more money and for some men to do this, they have to work longer hours and hustle more outside the home to please her. If I am present 24/7 as a husband and father and not working at all, a woman is not going to want to take over the man's role, whereas a man is more comfortable if the wife is at home. Some men work crazy hours or away from home like truck driving, military soldiers deployed, or top executives and many women will still choose these men given the choice of providing income over time at home.

[@DeathSpellXVI]

"How can I love you today?" He cringes at that because he's emotionally closed up, he probably never saw it in his parents either, they never showed physical love or said lovey, dovey stuff. It's how it happened to me, believe me you can have all the pride you want right now, but when you get lonely and old you'll wish you'd really told that person that you love them.

[@hkhodges8487]

Lovey dovey talk isn't love. Taking out the trash without being asked. A random full body hug. Noticing that sniffle. Recognizing and respecting when something is more important to them than it is to you. That's how you love someone.

[@angelicabenitez6590]

​@@hkhodges8487 Lovey dovey talk is a good form of love and warmth it's just not what u prefer that doesn't mean he's wrong.

[@bobquznie]

Thinking about myself here. "How can I love you today?" That means acknowledging that I don't have the answer, not just today but every day. That takes great self-reflection and vulnerability.

[@Dad-fu5bw]

@@hkhodges8487 Two things can be true? I love words of affirmation and affectionate speech. The things you listen and how you talk to your partner in a loving way can coexist as love.

[@R_S747]

​@@hkhodges8487 maybe it's not love to YOU. That's not the same for everyone.

[@reneet5858]

My Mom (may she RIP) was one smart cookie. Many times when my 1st Husband was being a total asshst, she would poontedly look at me and calmly say " It takes two to Tango; one to stop the dance". I finally stopped the dance after years of emotional, verbal, and finally physical abuse. When she doed, and though it was very sudden, she looked at me and said" Never lose YOU, ever again. (My 2nd Husband was 180 the other way). I hsve told our 6 girls, and one Son this repeatedly throughout their lives. Everyone of them haschad a 1st disastrous relationship, and are now living their best life now. My Grandkids REALLY got the message. They dont accept less than, nor do they give less than, they ( as couples) hold each other accountable. They also love without abandon, and receive it the same way. Our whole family is SO much healthier!

[@zeekay3205]

Wow. Very touching, inspirational story. I'm saving this 🥰❤️🎉😊

[@HadiaJenn]

Caller #2: run 🏃‍♀️ You deserve love 💕 your children deserve to see their mom loved.

[@growing.grounds4054]

What if she is ugly and doesn’t try at all to create an environment that warrants sexual contact ?? It’s no man with a beautiful wife that goes that long with out intimacy! Stop just going with one side of a story. Something isn’t right here and it’s not just from her pov

[@growing.grounds4054]

The 2nd caller it’s obvious that she isn’t attractive why would your husband not want you for that long !?? Unless he’s a lazy slob then that’s different but I don’t think she would stay with a lazy slob

[@jeanedarc]

I feel like he is hiding a secret 😅

[@sharonpower768]

This sounds familiar to me. After 17 years I was brave enough to divorce and he shared that he is gay but didn't want to disappoint his dad and wanted children. Of course that opens up a whole different kind of hurt. The world say, "oh that must have been so hard for him to hide." Meanwhile, I'm thinking how could he intentionally lie to me and take 17 years of my life so that I could them be a lone parent of 5 children. There is lots of great life after the heart ache though.

[@littleme3597]

Right on! Gay.

[@amymac41890]

It’s hard on BOTH of you.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Yeah he used you. I'm sorry.

[@ciobalina7445]

I am so sorry for that. That us so unfair.

[@BePatientFriend88]

That's tough, Sharon. I'm sorry. I think it makes it worse that the world minimizes your feelings in favor of his when he is the one who used you. Somehow being gay absolves him. Again, I'm sorry. Sending 🫂

[@Auntie-Sara]

To 12 years married, 5 times sex. I would not be surprised to find the husband is terrified and disgusted with himself for being gay. Sounds like he married to create a cover and/or convince himself he's wrong but if I'm right he has only been suffocating all three of them. THAT is a hard question that I feel needs asking and if he blows his stack, goes emotionally Super Nova, you'll have your truth even if he won't accept it.

[@Julie-rg3mb]

It’s so obvious, and the simplest explanation to all of this. He’s miserable because his identity is in conflict with his religious beliefs. He doesn’t want to discuss anything, because he’s terrified that she will put 2 and 2 together. I would feel bad for him, but he’s saying things to manipulate her into staying married to him because he needs a beard.

[@otpays8552]

Not everyone’s gay

[@MelissaHogwood]

This is what I thought too!

[@sandrasmith7313]

​@@otpays8552But this husband clearly is😂😮

[@niky9226]

Gay, and/or severe trauma, and/or a chronic cheater and shes been oblivious this whole time... Thats what comes to my mind 🤷‍♀️

[@adamalucard1288]

strongest thing a man can do is admit his shame and vulnerability, especially to someone they truly love.

[@tabkins]

Having a bully in the family is exhausting. Visit mom and grandma on random occasions and skip the Holidays.

[@bonniejw]

Second caller reminds me of my relationship with my ex husband. He was an alcoholic and any sort of presence just wasn't happening. Unfortunately when we had those face to face hard conversations all he could say is "I don't know what you mean or how to do that." And that was the truth. I hope she finds some happiness, with or without him.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Sounds similar to my husband. Such a shame so many men throw their marriages away for porn. Sick, sad, and pathetic.

[@JustActNormal]

Ben, don't understand how chronic p*** addiction affects women. They just don't. It makes us feel like we have to perform in the bedroom in erratic ways that aren't normal because p*** isn't normal

[@sarahalderman3126]

I'm sorry but as a wife of a porn/sex addict of about 23 years now I can say the likelihood that his wife wants to pursue any kind of close intimacy with this man is extremely slim at this point. He spent the best twenty years of her life cheating on her and ignoring her. Why on earth would she want to do so again? Nope. Thanks anyway, you had your chance and you literally threw it away every single day for 20+ years. Behavior is a language.

[@Lynetted79]

Porn emotionally and physically took my husband away. It was the wedge that almost walked me out the door 2 yrs ago. I discovered it March 9 2022 and gave him an ultimatum. 😢. We worked through it and I pray that it never creeps back into our relationship because I will leave. 😢

[@blueseptember2174]

​@@sarahalderman3126true. At some point it becomes the last straw after years of talking. Maybe she's not at that point and he actually changes andnthey can make it work. But goodness forbid he fail into old habits again then she might go nuclear. He's got to be on top of it. Good luck Todd. 👍

[@blueseptember2174]

​@@Lynetted79hope it works Lynette. I've been there. They are not themselves when they are into p@rn(grumpy and selfish and I would argue bad in bed while using). I hope you all make it together❤. Save some money please just incase you ever need it. I wish I would have.

[@mimimonster]

That second caller is one of the most heartbreaking I’ve heard on this show. SHE HAS NO MARRIAGE. She is held captive mentally and emotionally by her abuser that calls himself her husband. Poor lady. I hope she leaves.

[@barbaraday7662]

I bet you the husband is gay and in denial.

[@caroldorsett8170]

Caller two needs to leave he will just gaslight her or become upset and maybe even hit out. He is not capable of changing, also he is probably gay and afraid to come out.

[@littleme3597]

@@caroldorsett8170 Narcissist's go BOTH ways. You are correct.

[@purplelove3666]

You know, she can leave right?

[@caryseaholm8747]

He has a porn addiction and has had one for years. “Struggling” with porn is a soft way of saying this. This has caused an emotional and physical separation in the union. This method of coping has destructive consequences.

[@fralanasko2900]

Not necessarily. He may just be religious and so even watching it very occasionally is a failure. This is harmful tbh, unless it is seriously impacting his ability to live day to day, it shouldn't be considered an 'addicion'.

[@PotentialofHydrogenClean]

@@fralanasko2900 I'm a visual person (thankfully not a zealot), so I see nothing wrong with watching porn (where consensual adults agreed to film it) while masturbating. I don't masturbate often, but I watch whenever I do. If my husband watched, not only do I not know, but I wouldn't care (as long as he watched the free stuff, like I do as I would be annoyed if he was dumb enough to pay for an OnlyFans subscription since porn is porn to me so free > paid). So, it is only a problem in some marriages (not all). After watching Mormon Stories Podcast (never been Mormon but found the channel after the whole Ruby Franke ordeal), I realize that a man who barely watches is considered to have an addiction in that religion. That's so odd to me. It reminds me that "struggling and addiction" are relative to the person. Someone who has this inane belief that porn or masturbation is wrong will see even watching it once as a problem and more than once as an addiction. Now, if he said he watches porn all the time, even when he's not masturbating, and his wife can no longer turn him on (doubtful since he has a kid on the way), then porn might be a problem/addiction.

[@diggernash1]

His wife had the option to outperform the porn in their house.

[@mombythesea2426]

​@@fralanasko2900It's adultery.

[@mikanchan322]

​@@fralanasko2900Thats how it seems from the outside, but a high percentage of religious people actually watch porn occasionally. I doubt they would have brought it up unless it really was an issue. In fact, in the cases Ive been familiar with it is usually understated how much of a problem it is.

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

2nd caller lady chose to be blind about her husband since they were engaged (her own words) he might be gay or doesn’t like her. Just open your eyes!

[@sabias3932]

possible pdf file..

[@slavi7191]

My thoughts exactly. He's either gay or has another/other woman/women.

[@catherinek3409]

He has to be gay. How did she conceive

[@SabrinasTwistofColor]

I think he’s gay. An angry closeted gay man.

[@lenitaa7938]

He definitely has serious issues! Worse, he is not doing anything about it!

[@karri8998]

When the first caller started answering I was so hoping he was going to say, my wife is so beautiful and my soul mate, but he started with she is a good mom and a good wife. UGH......start being into your wife as your lover, partner and the girl of your dreams. Make her feel wanted and cherished dude.

[@rarebird_82]

Third caller, her sister is so obviously threatened by her and jealous, the best revenge is to shine brighter, be genuinely happy and make the family proud 👌🏻

[@AliciaMcIntire]

Todd is a porn addict, and his behavior is so common. Every time his wife wants to work on things, he gets defensive and shuts her down. Of course she has stopped talking to you, because you punish her every time she does. You treat her like you hate her by looking at other women and shutting her down when she tells you how she is feeling. It's amazing she has stuck around this long tbh

[@chem3066]

Exactly what a shame

[@YuhBoiUWU]

In his defense, he does seem like a man who wants to look deeper into things instead of leaving things as is blindly. He’s not a bad man, and marriage is for better or worse/ forever. they both value that immensely

[@debramason7237]

​@@YuhBoiUWUhe is a porn/sex addict. If he truly cared about his wife and family, he would have lead with, "I'm a porn addict, and I need help. I have crushed my wife's soul, I have destroyed her self esteem, and yet I refuse to stop. How can I stop this horrific cycle? Porn changes who you are and how you treat people. Addicts are selfish and self centered. I'm really disappointed that Dr. John didn't call it for what it was... Instead he gave him a pat on the back. What happened to, behavior is a language?" Because this guy would rather lost after and please himself instead of honor his wife.

[@orisonorchards4251]

How do you know? That's not what I heard at all and you are condemning him for trying.

[@mrod87]

20 years he shut her down and preferred looking at other women vs BEING with her, and wasn’t kind to her when she wanted to know why…now he’s ready yall she HAS TO give him a chance! He’s ready!

[@ashleywobschall5803]

These calls have me so glad me and my husband are starting counseling next week

[@JR6191947]

OMG pornography is betrayal...why can't you guys understand what that does to your woman

[@jeradkiester698]

Porn just replaces what is lacking in the bedroom, sounds like daily sex and staying fit would solve that problem.

[@ethan4048]

Just the insecure women. Besides 35% of women in the US watch porn and over half read erotica. This is not a gender thing.

[@SaystheTruth3]

​@@jeradkiester698 Agree! Married sex gets boring & routine... Needs to be spiced up & different in order to be exciting & fulfilling!

[@muma6559]

they need to understand what it does to them first. It's shameful looking at others doing it (porn), instead of practising in your own relationship. How dumb

[@SaystheTruth3]

@@muma6559 why is it shameful? It's a healthy act. It serves as a release for a man. Wives need to maintain excitement and beauty in their marriage.... Otherwise gets dull.

[@amaragrace94]

Your husband hasn't tried to initiate and rejects you for 6 months after getting married. Sounds like they were abstaining beforehand. Then 5 times in 12 years. He is either gay or asexual. Either way, he deceived you.

[@mikanchan322]

Closeted gay was my first thought, especially since they seemed to have abstained before. It is unfortunately common in religious communities.

[@khethiwezwane2481]

She's his beard and he didn't bother to communicate that with her

[@littleme3597]

@@khethiwezwane2481 Yes. They won't admit it to themselves. She is his cover.

[@Kbearthmover]

I would be worried about a marriage if it was 5 times in 12 weeks but 12 years 😢

[@Maraaha55]

An interesting question, but far more complex than this surface. It seems that she challenged his behaviour in the past - that is far more scary to do than he even realises. And his response .... was to double down and carry on, making it clear that she was not important enough to him. Now he thinks he's been wrong all this time and wants it all to change - well, bully for him. The thing that I cannot avoid is "after all these years, why should she trust him?" What is he doing FOR HER?

[@sarahalderman3126]

Exactly. His behavior has been exceptionally clear and consistent, regardless of his words now or in the past. He has made it blatantly obvious that she is not important enough to him to even consider fidelity, up to this point. She's already given her youth this dud, no reason to throw the remainder away too.

[@lorianne4608]

Mine’s Metallica

[@probablynot1368]

Let’s see….the kids are getting older, wife has returned to the workplace outside of the home, although he states he’s trying to make corrective actions regarding his past behavior, he’s still indulging in pornography - only not quite so often as in the past. He may be alarmed that his wife is gaining day-to-day confidence in her ability to support herself and move forward to a life without him, so now he’s looking at his own corrective action. This may be an example of too little, too late, as he began losing her long ago.

[@sarahalderman3126]

@@probablynot1368 exactly.

[@karmAnonymous]

I ABSOLUTELY love your comment because I see comment after comment after comment of FALLING for the bullshxx ..... Praising this obviously abusive loser playing the "im identifying actions here & there but YOU are helping me see blah blah blah"..... Dude... Narcissists do that to further manipulate & switch up tactics to keep their victims from leaving if their 20 year long other tactics have run it's course & no longer keeping someone under the same bondage as it was previously..... But hey .... Apparently she SHOULD be willing to work within because he sees the light all of a sudden .... So agreeable (but surely is not behind closed doors) not defensive, totally ready for "change" 🙄🤮😮‍💨

[@lisamr40]

Jenn, I'm going through the same thing. You're not alone. Thank you, Dr. John, for going through what to do. I'm to this point in my 23 years of marriage. I go through the same pettiness. I am at my wits end. This show helps so much!!

[@muma6559]

yeah, covert narc. They have been damaged very early on in life, like straight after birth. Their mothers; were abusive, neglectful, immature, not ready for parenthood, a mother who lacks softness, nurturing or even the education and know how to handle a baby lovingly. Very sad. What do you do ?

[@phyllis9750]

You know. after a bunch of these calls, at least SOME MEN are asking hard questions. GOOD ON YOU😊

[@nicolereeves2889]

That last caller.... My sister has been doing that to me my whole entire life. I got over it and moved on years ago. Now my life is grand, hers not so much. Instead of just being herself, like I did, she tried to be better than me and it didn't work out.

[@K_M.G]

The second caller's husband is either cheating on her or is attracted to men and doesn't want to admit to it.

[@nikstar1313]

Please preface your comments with “I think” or “imo” or “I feel that” …. Your foare NOT FACTS even if I do agree. Thanks! ❤🎉

[@K_M.G]

@@nikstar1313 I said exactly what I said. Keep on scrolling if it bothers you. Thanks ❤️

[@nikstar1313]

@@K_M.G whatever you say! Roll my eyes.. it doesn’t hurt to take a bit of feedback on board. “What I said is fact” 🤮🤮🤮

[@LateNightRewrites]

​@@K_M.Glol a quick review of your comment history on this channel is accusing husband's of being down low. Who hurt you?

[@K_M.G]

@LateNightRewrites I'm so glad that I'm that famous and important for you to stalk my comments. I appreciate you ❤️ And many men being on the down low, but still are in relationships with women to hide that fact is a very real thing. Maybe you should ask yourself why my comments hurt you?

[@starlingswallow]

Jenn~ your husband is future faking you. By him claiming that 🎶 God told me to marry you!🎶 is a way to keep you on his hook, for him to continue to keep you hoping, wishing, praying that things will get better but it's NOT and hasn't been for 10+ years. He can say all the flowery stuff he wants.....but do his actions match? Nope. He can't even have an adult conversation with you about anything! It all spirals into an argument with him not LISTENING and him getting defensive or thinking you're trying to blame him for something!!!! This is NOT normal. I have a guess....I think he has the exact marriage he wants: no closeness, no vulnerability, no intimacy, no getting to know who YOU are at your core, no needing to be an involved partner or father because he knew YOU would handle all of it, no working together on the same team but him painting y'all's marriage as "you against him". Your house is on fire and he doesn't seem to care. You know how you break this cycle? LEAVE. You deserve more than this bread-crumbing mess. And my guess is that in your childhood, you weren't loved the way you needed to be, you weren't listened to, you weren't considered or delighted in...but you were a peacekeeper. You stuffed down all your emotions in order to keep others happy. If you stay and nothing changes, you are teaching your kids that _this_ is what marriages look like. _This_ kind of treatment is what they deserve, too 😢 You are a unique individual who is worthy of being audaciously loved, respected and appreciated. You deserve to either leave and get that from yourself (self love), and/or find someone else who SEES you and truly cares about you. Your husband does not care. He doesn't. If he did, you guys wouldn't be here where you are now. This breaks my heart because this was my story. 14 years with a man who complained incessantly, to the point I thought I was going to go MAD, who punched things, broke things, REFUSED to sleep with me, who spent all our money and wouldn't be held accountable for his decisions but instead blamed ME for everything. I was terrified of him. I didn't feel safe at ALL. I realized that I deserved better, gave him one more chance to go to counseling and he laughed in my face. He truly didn't see ANYTHING wrong with our "arrangement". I was working full time+ beside him and it was never acknowledged, my self esteem was torn down by his neglect, silent treatments and his explosive rage. I'm 5 years out, soooooo much happier, healing through trauma with my now husband who is a gift from God. He is everything my ex was not and more! ❤ You. Deserve. Better.

[@beeARTcanada]

You are in love with what could be, not with reality. @@JessicaL-wf3et

[@beeARTcanada]

The guy sounds narcissistic.

[@beastshawnee]

THIS is all I wanted to tell her as well! She deserved better! Even alone is WAY WAY BETTER! Alone can be great!

[@rosewalker9657]

This was me also, only I stuck it for 30 years, and it nearly (literally) killed me. My ex was also a classic narcissist who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Being treated like this by the one person who is supposed to love, honour and support you more than anything else over such a long period of time destroys your soul. Rebuilding your self esteem, your confidence and self worth takes time, effort and determination. I wish courage and many blessings on the caller.

[@littleme3597]

He is gay.

[@SusanHamer]

I hope the man knows how HUGE his insight is, and how HUGE his willingness is!! If his wife wants out, there are millions who would LOVE this from a husband.

[@ineedhoez]

This is why it's important for women to just leave immediately. He would have come to this realization long before she checked out. You can't endure 20 years of mistreatment and expect that things are going to get fixed. The connection is just broken

[@littleme3597]

Susan. Just talk. No woman wants this problem. Gay.

[@brightpage1020]

I once heard a wise old man say: "If you have to ask the question, you probably don't want to know the answer." - Dr. Glatt, internal medicine specialist and addiction specialist, CA

[@SweetThing]

Actually, the saying is: "Don't ask the question, if you can't handle the answer."

[@krystle4248]

What did that mean?

[@surlyGir]

​@@SweetThingThat makes more sense. I only ask questions I want answers to.

[@Red-rose-garden]

Dr.John (as usual) is 100 percent correct. In my case as a couple, we had individual therapy and then couple’s therapy and spiritual therapy from our ministers and attended rebuilding trust &love in our marriage seminars. We never walk alone and we did rebuild a degree of trust again to move forward in a new marriage bond. But it took this much effort on two people..both people have to be willing to fight for the marriage.

[@Digitalhunny]

Caller #2 Sweetheart, WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED?? We get ONE life on this Earth. So, break free of his cold unloving ass & _go!_ Go live your own beautiful, happy, fun life!

[@kaylinnb]

I developed debilitating social anxiety that I battled for DECADES because of a parent who raged on a regular basis. (Among other contributing factors, like neglect.) It messes kids up! My nervous system is still a wreck!! Has been all my life. That yelling and tantrum throwing crap HAS to stop. Even now being around that parent has me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells at times. Just automatically. It ruins nervous systems. It’s so wrong and harmful, way beyond just that moment.

[@tayloa23]

These 2 calls are why I'll never be in a relationship ever again 😂😂

[@kristinyaekelnegley3978]

Porn is such an evil thing that tears families apart. I don't think it has anything to do with a wife or husband being not enough. Porn is a fantasy world that we can go into that gets us out of the real world, and it becomes addicting. I hate it!

[@princessangerloo5905]

Ok this second call is about the most FRUSTRATING thing I’ve ever heard Lol

[@Mellowmichelle]

I’ve said this to my husband and he changes for awhile just goes back to the old routine so at this point I’m ready to leave

[@haydenguy2623]

Can you work on anything?

[@gregshell8570]

Some women hate porn because we think men are going to compare this perfect women with us and will we LOSE! I hate porn! It kills closeness. I lived it and it killed everything.

[@elizabethsimon9000]

This was really good to listen to. Vulnerability with anybody is really hard for me and vulnerability for me feels like it applies to more things for me than it does for others.

[@TerriBennett-nf4vb]

10 years that's nothing I want 25 without it and I was married

[@RayF6126]

Nick Freitas called it tenderness, it's reaching out with gentleness to pull in another person.

[@lisajeter9511]

Jen GOOD luck you’re in a tough position. If you have kids, remember you’re teaching them what marriages should look like. Which is so unfair to the kids and yourself. He’s already stolen your youth from you! Don’t allow him to steal anything else from you and or your kids!

[@Cowgirlkate]

Todd is doing a great job; he knows more about how to do stuff than he realizes....keep on keeping on Todd. Thank you for being a nurse; that's a hard job and you are more intuitive than you realize...major kudos to you, man!!

[@missk2559]

Honestly props to this guy, he loves her. The first step is accountability, and most don’t do that.

[@clintmthompson2052]

Hey, doc, your past is so similar to mine. I truly appreciate you being vulnerable with your past life, and relating to your world is much respected by myself and your followers. Thanks brother 🙏

[@Jarcano8]

The ferrari / tatoo ideas were terrific . . . . rock on Dr. John.😊

[@peterlee584]

Jenn, the second caller's husband, sounds emotionally abusive. Witholding intimacy is also a form of abuse, unless there are physical and or emotional reasons for it

[@Chet_24]

Good for that husband, though! He's taking what women do and using it against them. Well played by him 👏 👌

[@krystle4248]

@hello77779 Omg, so irritating.... I just wrote a really long response to you and it was very thoughtful to you and explaining how the train of thought your stating is wildly inaccurate even know of course that happens sometimes.... BUT A COMMERCIAL CAME ON AND IT DELETED THE WHOLE THING! Errrr😢 Mainly, I am sorry if you have had a woman do that to you, if you have that's her being manipulative and controlling and in turn is abusive. But please understand that most women do not try and control men with their sexual woes, your saying as if it's across the board or that most women do this ... That's crazy and wildly untrue ... I'd suggest learning more about how women think and operate as well as attempting to have a ton of empathy for women. Most women dont have any desire to do what your speaking of. And all they want is deep connection, and once that happens, the intimacy and S*x happens afterward, more then happy and willing, not playing any games like you speak of. Sounds exhausting!

[@peterlee584]

@@krystle4248 So true.

[@peterlee584]

@@Chet_24 In my experience, most women don't do that.

[@littleme3597]

@@Chet_24 lol Many gay males on here.

[@adrianstumpp5883]

I'm afraid to ask my wife how can I love you today because I'm afraid she'll tell me how and it will be something I don't know how to do. It's kind of like creating an opportunity for yourself to fail. It's also setting her up. You asked her what you could do and then she told you and you told her you couldn't do that. Like, why bother in the first place?

[@delightschwartz2155]

It depends on her response. Yes, vulnerability is a risk in theory. Hopefully If she realizes what a gift that is, to be asked how she wants to be loved, I hope that she would gently and constructively provide details and encouragement and it could become a good mutual habit, you have her back and she has yours. Just hopeful food for thought.

[@ef366]

What makes you think that you're automatically going to fail? You're using weaponized incompetence as an excuse to not be a better husband. Be brave, ask the question, and go from there. If you don't know how to do what she asks, then tell her to show you.

[@wonder12374]

Caller 2: Very common unfortunately there are so many women who will put up with the bare minimum in life just to say they have a spouse/partner while dying of emotion isolation and real distance. 😢 There is something she is feeling that makes her no want to sleep with him that she herself does not want to confront and that's a her problem.

[@the_blue_lotus_portal]

I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume you know why this woman or any woman stays in a situation like that. Everyone has their own reasons for the choices they make in life. As a woman who left a marriage and has since consistently dated men who have struggled to open up emotionally, I feel constantly frustrated by friends and family who assume I've stayed in those situations because i didn't respect myself or something. Absolutely not! Not every woman is seeking a conventional relationship with a picket fence. For me, it's that I have felt deeply connected to these men, and feeling like they were soul mates who showed me the places I've needed to heal, has been a beautiful experience. For me, I stay because it feels like a spiritual calling to stay in a connection that touches my soul deeply, even if there are emotional frustrations as fuel for growth and learning. I'm also very self sufficient and I don't like the idea of a man getting too close; I enjoy space. So not every woman is the same. We all deserve respect, for sure, but we don't all want the same thing in relationships.

[@timeaandrea11]

Sister is crazy jealous for some reason and that is the main driver of her behaviour, just turn a blind eye and ignore her, at some point she will have a meltdown and you'll have to accept thats her issue not yours. You shouldnt be depriving yourself of your parents and family because of her behaviour. ❤

[@uddercharmsfarm8159]

Ok Kelly - I'm an 80s girl and love some Slaughter and that whole genre. If you haven't heard of Dan Vasc yet, go check him out, He's a young man from Brazil and has that whole vibe - I LOVE his music and his energy!! I think you'll enjoy!!

[@liamlynch2115]

Porn can really destroy a man’s brain

[@user-gu6vf3je1d]

Exactly. A complete total dealbreaker. You gotta leave him alone. Weirdo.

[@suebraun180]

A woman's mind, too. She finds out that her husband likes body types that she doesn't, and never will, have. He portrays that he needs activities that she feels are demeaning and even nauseating. Before porn, he didn't know any of these things. Now he likes them. She can't compete. Her insecurity tales over. She feels like a personal failure.

[@Joe-iq1bu]

@@user-gu6vf3je1d it’s not different than any other social media. You can apply this to the internet as a whole.

[@thedifferenceincolour7341]

You have an addiction your not admitting to and she has the right to leave you

[@mck2021]

No sex for 6 months after marriage?! I would have lost my mind! I feel so sad for her! How much has she gone without? Unless she found someone somewhere else. But it sounds like she did not. I can't believe that he has not, unless there is something seriously wrong with him. Or he is, like many have suggested in the chat, gay and hiding it. Surely that must have occurred to her. What a mess of a marriage.

[@littleme3597]

It never occurred to me. He had a child. It took me 5 years to get out. Not everyone is worldly. Gay males can have children.

[@Coooeee]

He could be asexual as well.

[@bcc7777]

5 times? He's gay, girl. He has to be. You have to find yourself a loving relationship or it will never happen.

[@carriebell3566]

Why would you be advised not to ask why in therapy? Isn’t the why essential to identifying the problem?

[@lisajeter9511]

Jen it’s so hurtful to realize they don’t Love you! Because then we have to realize we have wasted so much of our time in a dead beat relationship. You can’t believe anything he says! You have to believe his actions!

[@oncetwice5942]

Idk how Jenn can put up with a sexless marriage. How can they possibly have closeness and an emotional connection without sex? They’re just roommates at this point.

[@ineedhoez]

Because sex doesn't equal connection.

[@meesh1002]

I’m like there has to be way more to the story that she’s not admitting. Also, why did you get married??

[@kikiisabeast2575]

​@ineedhoez No but it certainly helps..

[@ineedhoez]

@@kikiisabeast2575 no it doesn't. If there's no Emotional connection to the person comma than sex is just an act. In fact, if you're having sex with someone and you really don't want to, your body registers it is rape. So yes, it can absolutely hurt. If sex automatically equaled connection, then casual sex couldn't exist.

[@oncetwice5942]

@@meesh1002 I have been wondering that myself. What could be possibly going on?

[@Jmc989]

This is just a long shot, who knows......is it possible the second caller's husband has autism or something....we are missing a big piece of this story.....and they apparently are too.

[@TraceyThorpe-o5b]

Fabulous listen as usual. Thanks for what you do.

[@ivisgonzalez9679]

I need an update to Jenns situation

[@carbro6334ify]

The gym comment was gold

[@cecilliachi]

Truly I agree with thee 😂

[@GarlicGoblin]

1:50 that is exactly how i found this show. Thank you Mr. Youve helped me go from an irritable bastard who yells at his woman to someone who makes his woman feel respected and cared for.

[@mariarodriguez7842]

The second story I think her husband is a closeted gay afraid of coming about because of religion and she has chosen to ignore it all along. There is no way he hasn’t had sex in that long.

[@merricat3025]

He could be asexual but yeah he probably is gay and is afraid or in denial

[@AnnUnicornStar]

2nd caller sounds like a narcissist. The cerebral ones put their partners down, ignore them, and lose interest in the physical. There's no way for her to fix that. Also she said he's defensive when she tries to talk about it and the grumpiness sounds like devaluing her/hating himself, as narcissists do.

[@SabrinasTwistofColor]

Narcissistic men are usually gay. She needs to do a deep dive into social media accounts and contact an attorney.

[@littleme3597]

Many gays ARE narcissists.

[@liamlynch2115]

Second caller is just as suspect as her husband. How could either of you go 12 years in this condition?

[@amethystfeathers7324]

I like this husband - I'm wondering if he could write it down, give it to her with flowers and make it clear that he knows she needs time to get her head around it all and then make a date night to talk.

[@MB-px7ml]

Jenn in sexless marriage - research Covert Narcissism - your husband displays a lot of the characteristics- silent treatment, stonewalling, withholding sex to control and punish you, victim blaming. He knows you don’t want to get divorced because you’ve probably told him a million times that you come from long line of broken marriages.

[@MB-px7ml]

Narcs are full of shame and he either is ashamed he can’t perform sexually or wants to punish you which is what narcs do to their main source of narc supply.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Yeah all that mumbo jumbo all boils down to the same thing. He does not love you more than he loves himself.

[@MB-px7ml]

And he uses silent treatment and withholding sex to control you - he knows you’re not going anywhere and don’t want your marriage to fail.

[@muma6559]

yeah, covert narc. They have been damaged very early on in life, like straight after birth. Their mothers; were abusive, neglectful, immature, not ready for parenthood, a mother who lacks softness, nurturing or even the education and know how to handle a baby lovingly. Very sad. What do you do ?

[@starlingswallow]

Exactly my experience. 14 years together, last 6 years there was maybe 4 sexual encounters. I'd break down in front of him and he would get _angry_ then called me an animal for having a sex drive and said "sex is t a big deal." 😢 He complained all the time. He is a covert narcissist (hits all the points) and I fled 5 years ago. I'm still healing but I'm remarried to an amazing man who is an adult, dependable, who is vulnerable with me and I with him. It's the most amazing relationship. In trauma therapy which is helping a LOT. My heart breaks knowing others have been or are going through a similar "marriage". 😢

[@lisajeter9511]

Jen that’s” alienation of affection “which is growns for divorce!

[@noblelifeamazing7431]

Love Slaughter!! Had that cassette tape, played the F out of it. ❤

[@lelamaciolek1166]

He’s been more concerned about impressing dudes with his love life than making his marriage real, strong, and good for her.

[@sagrammyfour]

Caller Jen: Sex--5 times--in one day, week, month??? WTH? 6months married and no sex. He's playing on the other team, girl.

[@candaceewell9582]

I’m wondering if the second caller’s husband is gay. The whole I married you on purpose thing! Most people at least have sex the first night of marriage or the next day because weddings are exhausting!

[@audramitchell9894]

🌹❤️🌹 I enjoy these conversations because how real it is with solutions 🌹❤️🌹

[@sarahalderman3126]

Listening to this again, for some reason KZbin keeps auto playing this🤦🏼‍♀️ But at 12:25 or so John, speaking to the first caller says that he has not cheated or anything, I just "struggle" with porn, which IS cheating!

[@mystiquevening]

Possibly, it’s such an interesting debate topic. Is porn cheating? What is cheating? It would definitely depend on the couple involved, even societies influence and messaging. But it’s a fun debate topic to hash out! I’d love to watch that.

[@kyle6838]

This message goes out to the 2nd caller you are being abused by a narcissist your just no able to add the 2+2 together because of the constant mind manipulation gaslighting but inside your intuition is raising hell telling u something is bad wrong but your overriding it it took about a year after my narcissist abandoned me that I indeed was bein abused I was so ashamed I had no way of explaining it because it was so hidden so please escape you deserve to be loved by someone that would never mind rape u ur better than that (sorry about no periods or commas I’m driving lol) your not alone a lot of us walk along with u

[@littleme3597]

talk will not fix anyone gay.

[@Coooeee]

Why are you texting and driving!!

[@fh1980ram]

Dang!!! 2024 is really a crazy year. Not looking forward to the rest of the year.

[@QuyenTran-hq4sb]

Loveeeeee listening in. Considering giving ya a call one of these days. Things are getting better so I may just spare ya one 😅

[@doreen1289]

Call a attorney

[@MiamiChica]

That question belongs on r/AITA 😂

[@user-dz8rg3fg5h]

Great advice other than saying he's not cheating because pornography is cheating

[@lisajeter9511]

You tell him it’s time for both of you to move on or move step it up!

[@lisajeter9511]

But your mom is only getting older and you only have one of them. So DONT waste precious time with your Mom over sibling issues. Spend as much time as you want with your Mom. Once she is gone nothing else will matter to you!

[@michaeladuncan1460]

Random, but Kelli looks so pretty in this episode!

[@jemmajames6719]

My husband stopped having sex the day we married 32 years ago, then the abuse started, we really only had se to have the kids.

[@candicechristensen1753]

My question for the second caller is "why did you get married?"

[@dragonclaws9367]

The people that question," Am I a jerk? " They are usually NOT JERKS. The real jerks never ask themselves that question.

[@lisajeter9511]

Your sister having to one upping you, is a huge burden on her and it’s not your problem or your burden! Rub it in your sisters face and spend that precious time with your Mom that’s not guaranteed to you tomorrow!

[@Vicki-v6v]

How rude of the caller to cut off Dr John

[@dsmalls5748]

I don’t understand why John didn’t see the porn addiction for what it was and address it as such.

[@deelyn6267]

He’s not struggling with it he’s choosing to watch it when he wants. He’s selfish. The struggle he speaks of he his flesh running his life and he’s letting it while knowing it’s wrong and that he’s cheating doing it. Making a choice to do the wrong thing isn’t struggling. Being in an accident through no fault of your own and being a life without use of your legs is struggling. This man is weak willed and chooses himself instead of his marriage

[@littleme3597]

I wonder male porn, pictures? I learned too late.

[@lisajeter9511]

More importantly why aren’t you going and depriving you and your family. If you allow a sibling control something so important. Don’t give your sibling that much power over your life!

[@jillcarlson2076]

Do you think that her husband is in the closet? And...he can’t or won’t be truthful? 🤔

[@tinaf600]

If what Jenn is saying is true her husband is probably a covert narcissist. Him saying those things to her with tears in his eyes that God has brought us together three or four times is just to keep her, because maybe she had one foot out the door. If everything she's saying is true her husband is evil and she needs to run. If she goes and has that conversation that John told her to have he may act like he's going to do it for a little bit and then go right back to the narcissist that he is. My ex-husband of 6 years did a lot of the same things to me. Without even knowing about narcissism I seen his pattern and it was a Loveless controlling marriage that was not healthy for me or our son😢 I planned my escape and got out of there.

[@chadpleasant9215]

Dr. John why did you not even ask this woman if she thinks her husband is gay?! It’s like you can’t even utter that word on this show. He didn’t even try to have sex with her when they first got married…….

[@lisajeter9511]

That was a huge DEALBREAKER AND SO STRANGE!

[@Rosie1939]

These marriage podcasts are brutal. WHY get married???

[@teresawelcome8354]

That's like working in the hospital and seeing all the people who die/get injured from car accidents and saying "Why do people drive?" What you aren't hearing on this pod cast is all the people who make their marriage work, by nature of this being a place where people go to for help.

[@dianethompson6804]

What woman wouldn't melt if her husband said those things to her.

[@tearsofjoyforallthispain]

John Doyle did a good dissertation about the harmful effects pornography has on men.

[@Chet_24]

Was it one word and it was "none"? Anything other than that is nonsense.

[@Happinessandhealth1]

Just divorce him, girl.