"I want connection & friendships but I push people away..." #57

Ask Kati Anything audience questions:
1. Why is it that I can so desperately long for connection and friendships, yet I constantly mentally push people away and put up a mental wall? It's like I CANT connect, as much as...
2. Hey Kati! I feel like this isn't a topic talked about a lot in the world today. So, I am hoping this gets answered. What are your thoughts about children who have a traumatizing sexual encounter with another child? Such as inappropriate touching and fondling. Is this abuse?
link mentioned: • Help! I was abused, an...
3. Hey Kati! Do you 'always' have to try to get better? What if I don't want to get better? I know I am suffering but it's not consistent. On some days, I am all fine. I am not feeling my worst. My therapist says I'm...
4. How do I stop being so lazy? I'm not necessarily happy with my life (because I'm too lazy to change it), but mood-wise I'm pretty happy most of the time. So it's not depression or anything like...
5. Hi Kati, happy Thursday! Has a client ever shown you a song or a piece of music as a representation of how they are feeling or what they are going through or would you...
6. Hi Kati, My therapist told me she has a “desire to protect my heart” and that she loves me. Is this countertransference? I’m in trauma therapy...
7. Just curious, do patients ever bring in pictures of themselves as a child or of their family? Is that ever encouraged or discouraged and for what reason? Sometimes I've wanted to...
8. Hi Kati, how can we open up more in therapy when the therapist isn't sharing much about herself? In other relationships, we often observe how the other(s) behave and respond accordingly (to prevent over / undersharing; to avoid rejection or conflict, etc). Yet in therapy...
9. Hi Kati! I hold a lot of blame and anger towards my mother. She was emotionally absent throughout my life and made me feel like I was a burden when I was diagnosed with depression in high school. I feel like I was not helpfully...
10. Hi Kati. How do you know that you have actually experienced childhood trauma? I dissociated in my last therapy session when talking about the relationship with my sister, who has always been quite the bully. My therapist mentioned that...
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[@sonalikumar4667]

Time stamp thread - feel free to add more

[@sonalikumar4667]

44:41- How do I stop being lazy? (Q4)

[@sonalikumar4667]

3:37- Why do I push people away even though I want friends? (Q1)

[@sonalikumar4667]

55:26- Has a client ever showed you a picture of family? (Q5)

[@tiff8969]

@@MrEpsilonZero Thank you!!!

[@scenepunk09]

@@MrEpsilonZero why isnt the read more link working

[@micaelavergara2411]

How is it that I read the caption of these and EVERYTIME it has something that I relate to...anyways love these, they help me out so much.

[@julieschafer2991]

This is me exactly me. I feel like i have nobody i can trust to be there for me when i need them. This then makes me wants to end it all.

[@charlie5115]

I’m not always great at checking in with myself, so whenever I get a notification of a new video from Kati, I always use that time to sit myself down and listen, learn and reflect. Thank you for what you do Kati! 💛

[@thought_bug]

"not to quote shrek or anything" 🤣🤣🤣idk that just got me

[@colalein8941]

Thank you, Kati for everything you do!

[@kayliemcintosh7841]

This is my favorite one I've heard yet. Most of these questions applied directly to my life. Thank you for this.

[@nicoleleeanartist5999]

This episode answered questions ive had for MONTHS. So helpful, thank u Kati 💕

[@Malin987]

You're on fire in this week's vid, Kati!❤️ Thank you a lot for the great and helpful answers ❤️❤️

[@pinkcupcakes7]

The most comforting watch - time to sit down with a cuppa ☕ Thank you Kati for all you do ❣

[@neurodimensions7509]

I was diagnosed with autism as an adult and have been masking for years and I am a people pleaser from family and trauma-related experiences. I related heavily to the idea of needing other people to take the lead in social interactions. I’m working on both aspects of myself in therapy now :)

[@koridevereaux]

That sounds exactly like me 🥺

[@neurodimensions7509]

@@koridevereaux It’s been hard but I’m getting better and I think it will be worth it. Take care❤️

[@masbro9540]

the best notification on a Thursday, ive been waiting 🥰💛

[@arwaalghamdi4379]

OMG Kati! This podcast helped me put the puzzle pieces in place! I can’t thank you enough... I honestly appreciate all your efforts to help humans .. you’re such a healer ❤️

[@lisasnoozy3749]

I had a long week stuck in the hospital and finally was able to watch this today! Another great one Kati! Thànk you so much for putting these out, there's always things I can relate to ! Have a great week!

[@randombro3013]

Perfect timing 😊❤️🎉

[@jamiemclean8855]

I think I needed this advice the most. My wife just asked for a divorce and I realized since we moved here I don't have any real support network.

[@n2da9]

Please find a therapist and remember life is WORTH living

[@hgzmatt]

I'm so sorry to hear that. This is exactly what I've been going through since the pandemic started. Losing a relationship, moving to a different country and starting work at a new company. Life on hard mode. I feel like I have no one.

[@moosesmama]

Thank you for reminding me to be mindful of doing something that brings me joy. The struggle is real 😭

[@loristegner3272]

Gosh, I so identify with the last discussion about the Mother/Daughter trauma. Thank you so much Kati for digging deep in the questions about what it is we expect to accomplish with such a difficult conversation. It just helped solidify that for now, I’m right where I need to be. I simply cannot allow myself to be wounded anymore by a narcissistic parent and brother, for that matter, who will never accept how small they’ve made me feel and instead flip the conversation back on themselves, making me feel even worse, like I’m the crazy one.

[@abby_elizabeth8435]

i needed this so much today!!!

[@taralorraine9814]

So helpful, thank you Kati 💜

[@keelyschemmer]

We care about your stories!!!

[@nikkimckay860]

Watching now late while sitting on the sofa trying to feel calm and relaxed iv had a rough week and been feeling emotional and just stressed with everything so needed this new podcast from kati I been following for a long time and still can't go a week without watching and listening to everyone s questions and kati answering them thank you to the person who asked question 1 because I could relate to it and it reminded me of myself I struggle with friendship s and wanting connection but pushing people away this was helpful for me thank you again

[@poohbear0320]

There are several things I love about my therapist. It feels like she really understands and gets me. She tells me all the time once she says something and asks if I think it is true that I can always correct her if I think she has it wrong. She also helps me realize things I never noticed before about my life. At my last appointment with her on May 4 I brought up a frustration I had and she let me get loud and emotional. She then told me to come up with ideas for a program I want to put together. I have come up with 28 ideas so far.

[@paulmaw3545]

Wow!!! Just found your channel. I'm in awe. Several. Sessions in now. I can't believe how w much I can relate and recognize. To pretty much everything you been discussing so far. I have been SO stuck for WAY to many years. Comforting and relatable. Awesome sauce!!!!!

[@RJthing]

Thanks Katie!

[@nikkimckay860]

I always need your podcast s and video s kati you are part of my week on a Monday and Thursday I continue to follow and find your channel and videos helpful you share so much with us all I really appreciate you x

[@syedadil8970]

Thank you for answering my question UwU

[@lrivera31]

This is all so spot on. I do all of these things constantly. Although I do not feel lonely, I do constantly feel like an outsider. The funny thing is that if you met me, you'd think I have everything going for myself; job, looks, financially stable, very social, etc. I just cannot connect with anyone and feel like an outsider everywhere. I move a lot too. It absolutely is due to physical abuse from older sibling and betrayal from family. It's like I'm constantly running away.

[@rockchik676]

Of course we care about your stories, hope you foot is better soon and hope Sean is well, my week is not great, but it's my life so its never great just a lot of worry and stress 💕

[@noirth-security]

Thank you for this, I like this :)

[@fudgesticklebear]

I've given up on trying to express myself to my mother and how she constantly hurts me. I'll never forgive her, but thanks to studying psych at uni and being in therapy, I can understand why she's so emotionally stunted and incapable of acknowledging my pain.

[@krenobelo]

if you can understand, you can forgive

[@nothere3982]

@@krenobelo forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and not forgiving doesn't mean you can't be in peace with it

[@shahilagh]

@@krenobelo I agree. I have no harsh feelings to all of them in my early years. Because I understand them. And I have moved on . With any condition I m on, not good though, but I m not concerned with what they did

[@lolawallace8390]

Forgiving is a exercise I struggled to understand and accomplish There is not answer to my cries of why it is my family hurt me then and continue their toxic ways. To heal and recover me "self" I am tasked by therapy to work on forgiving and grieving my childhood, adulthood. Do not feel I will ever get my "self" back.

[@kate4biglittlevoices]

Forgiveness is for the giver and not the recipient- you can gain from forgiving and letting go , just to move on, it really has no thing to do with the person you forgive, you need not even tell them you forgive them if you don’t want, but NOT forgiving is like drinking poison and wondering why you are sick and they are not .

[@sylviabadshamiah8435]

Hi kati i love your podcasts and your videos. They provide great insight and are always helpful. Hope your foot feels better soon.. Kind regards Sylvia from the UK

[@christym.6529]

Always good as usual! New merch shirts? Cool!

[@eleni7546]

Favorite psychology podcast

[@nyekawhitaker1083]

Hi Kati! Don’t worry - you’re not the only one who ends up hitting their poor foot on the coffee table. I do it alllll the time haha. Hope it feels better :)

[@OTDM]

hahah!! Thanks :) It already feel much better this morning xoxo

[@lolawallace8390]

I usually stub my toe, break my toe and say bad words...

[@Akaruiumi31nihon]

I actually told my therapist I felt as if she were a robot not human. She shared similar basic situations and her strategies as an example and we moved on. Just to know she’s human, does regular stuff, has a family and drives a car was enough. The rest was about her having experience in specific things she’s treating and tips on how explain treatment related things to family/friends if need be.

[@LittleHobbit13]

That comment at 14:40 got me. I struggle with that all the time. Everyone around me seems to be allowed to be flawed and imperfect, and I accept people like that for who they are, but the second I make a mistake or I'm not perfect or have an undesirable reaction to something, I lose friends. Why am I the only one who has to be perfect in order to deserve friends? It was just really surprising to hear someone else was dealing with that. This video is 2 years old, so I hope since then they found some people to accept them as they are.

[@dogcatfint5671]

did you started posting the times to ask the questions to Sunday? (thought it used to be Mondays)

[@anniekate76]

Wow you wait long enough and someone types up your question for you, thanks to whoever wrote #2. 💜

[@anniekate76]

And like... I knew that answer, and my therapist has told me that, and I believe it, but it’s good to hear it validated again. There are practically no resources out there for this situation which is why I have watched the video Kati did 5 years ago like 20 times.

[@nikkimckay860]

anniekate76.. I liked your comment and your KZbin name just also wanted to add I been trying for a couple of weeks now to get likes on my question when o post it iv been waiting in Hope's eventually people will give me enough likes to get noticed and my question chosen sorry if I'm sounding kinda sad or desperate just I feel I'm not getting a chance when I am fighting to get my question though like everyone else who's dosen t ge there chance I know we all here trying to get noticed true eventually if my question doesn't get though I'm hoping it gets answerd when someone else asked same question just wondering if you had any tips on helping I'm also very anxious and not usually 1 to comment very much but I'm just trying to connect with people here agreed with what u wrote

[@anniekate76]

@@nikkimckay860 hey 👋🏻 I know the question to answer ratio is disheartening! I’m going to go look for yours. My main advice is a) don’t take it personally - even though the metric we are using is the number of likes, it is not about how likeable or relatable you sound. Honestly I think it is 90% about getting there right when she posts because the number of questions is just staggering and most people can’t/won’t read through them all. So, watch for the post on Sunday nowadays. But now that she picks a couple at random, it doesn’t seem as hopeless anymore. And then b) if you can, see a non-KZbin therapist for some actual therapy because this is not that. This is a mental health advice podcast with a very kind and smart host - but there are also many other kind, smart therapists just as wonderful as Kati who stand ready to help. :)

[@daisyblossom5176]

Got question and I dont know if you answer this talking about what types of friends we have every time i talk to my friend or when ever she wants to hang out i feel uncomfortable hanging out and feel like not good friend and don't know how to explain it how she treats me or should I stay away from her she talks to me when shes bored, waits a long time like months to hang out hardly talks to me, not really supportive friend when im down

[@shahilagh]

First question is my issue too. But for me the reason is that the people who want to come closer to me they have their own life and family… but I want something closer and I know it doesn’t happen and can’t happen. So I feel it would cause me more pain and it isn’t useful for them too…

[@deirdrehbrt]

Like the RE20 microphone. I've worked as a broadcast engineer - and the mic brings out a bit more bass than your earlier mics.

[@SailorGreenTea]

14:10, fair point.

[@katz101]

Would you share the Playlist from the Body and Soul compilation CD?

[@katz101]

Hi Katie! I am still interested in the playlist 🤩

[@NidusFormicarum]

What do you do if you talk to a client in an area where you don't manage to understand each other, not matter how hard you try and no matter how many times you try?

[@beegee5305]

"Whatever fires together wires together."

[@leannekjennerk5164]

I have a question! So one of my closest friends lives with me at my place. I just told her she has to move out. I feel like a terrible person saying this. But she is in such a dark place, i try to be there for her. But she literally cries about 3 times a week. I got her to start counselling. But it really weighs on me being around it all the time and i have zero advice nor do i feel like i am equipped to give advice. I try to be supportive but it’s too much. Am i am bad friend? Or how do i find a balance between being here for here but also taking care of my own mental health.

[@MsDMarc]

Loving the merch

[@ulrikaa1581]

Do more videos on how to overcome childhood emotional neglect and trauma and narcissistic parents. 🙏🏼

[@minervaroman6107]

I'm always getting bruises too. Hit myself with stuff all the time.

[@Brittani_13]

I’m curious to hear you mention this bx is common among people who have experienced trauma and those with bpd. I, personally, have never had a client with bpd who also doesn’t have a h/o trauma. I have had clients who have trauma and don’t have bpd. What might cause bpd with a “good enough” upbringing no other known trauma with generational trauma being possible. Have you had clients who have bpd with no trauma and/or insecure attachments growing up? I hope this makes sense.

[@beegee5305]

I brought up to my mom that she was played favorites and that she was neglectful ... she 'hissed' angrily "But the difference was that I DIDN'T complain!!"

[@beegee5305]

Wow the person talking about her emotionally unavailable mom who abused her with neglect... my life to the T.

[@crafter961]

Omg I feel personally attacked by reading the title ❤️

[@nohagm5638]

Where can I share my questions?

[@n2da9]

I know my question is too late but, I have no diagnosis even though I know I have depression for sure because for 3 straight years I had on and off depression except this year has been easier with only occasional brief episodes, and for the past month I have been neutral emotional except for 4 days I was really active and making music (even though I have NEVER made music before) and I am disturbed and kind of depressed, and I think I might have bipolar which is really stressful beecause I dont know what is wrong with me, and I have constant stress and slight breakdowns everynight over this, and I still cant get an appointment with a therapist because kaiser is so bad, and I really just want to know what is wrong with me because this stuff is ruining my whole life and taking over my whole entire day - Willem From California

[@SailorGreenTea]

16:23, too bad people with personality disorders believe they are being themselves.

[@beegee5305]

Neglect was so painful.

[@peterbrown4405]

I’m bottomed out. I’ve had depression my whole life. I’m losing my marriage because I feel betrayed. I’m trying to be the best version of myself I go to the gym, yoga I meditate. Part of me just believes I’m a piece of shit. I want to try talk therapy again but the last time I did I was suicidal and I missed an appointment and all the therapist office cared about was my cancelation fee for missing an appointment. I’ve lost faith in humanity. You seem sweet Katie, but I don’t feel like any reason is worth continuing. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m willing to die for a cause but I need help finding one.

[@GoatsOut4Justice]

I'm sorry nobody else has responded to you yet. I want you to know you're not alone. I know how it feels to feel like nobody really cares and to feel not good enough and to feel completely hopeless in humanity and life. There's so much lack of empathy in our society and especially in health care professionals. I think many of them are just emotionally burnt out tho, especially therapist who hear other people's problems all day long, like all the horrifying stuff. So often I think they can become kinda numb and disassociated themselves. Life is hard for everyone sometimes ya gotta watch KZbin and collect information to be your own therapist, and to be your own care. I think a cause worth living for is to be the empathy and acknowledgment you want from others. Show others the care you/we long for. Little acts make a difference for others and ourselves. Like a few weeks ago I was driving down the road and I saw a cart full of stuff tipped over in the rain, then I saw a homeless man walking up the road, he was screaming LOUDLY and completely uncomprehensible. I was afraid really really afraid but I had cookies so I stopped and offered him some. His angry screams quickly turned to tears and he hugged me. Turns out he was deaf so he didn't even know how loud he was screaming. Sometimes people just need some sympathy and to have their pain acknowledged. When you can’t get it from others try instead to give it. There's sooo many lost and lonely people with nothing and no one feeling absolutely hopeless out here. Sending you a big hug. Please keep fighting to spread human kindness, we need people like you with such feelings to stay alive and fight in this cause for all of us out here needing someone to care 💌🫂💞

[@kristenwalbright2579]

Kati, I'm 37 female I tried to reach out to you before but I'm sure it didn't get to you. I have adhd combined and also tested on the hf autism spectrum with in the past two years. I am an ill equipped empath I have cptsd depression anxiety poor attachment yo yo trust issues and fear of abandonment. I also have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.i tried for so long to deal with this stuff on my own hoping that I would figure it out or things would click like everyone else. I don't know if you hold value in Meyer briggs but if so I am an infp as well. I hit rock bottom with everything I couldn't do it anymore and I was ready to figure it out and fix it . I struggle every day. With self image and others close to me. I feel lonely alot and misunderstood I struggle to get through days that seem to be so simple to others. And I always think I should be able to do things and be better. I have an autistic 7 year old depending on me to be ok so that he's ok. I tried to go to therapy and got the official diagnosises and tried to do therapy but I felt that I wasn't getting anywhere.im tired alot. And I am not close to anyone but a few family members I lean on my mom alot for support. This causes some conflict but I really have no one else.i want to embrace the fact that I'm empath in a healthy way I have spend most my life on autopilot or full on feeling. One leaves me not feeling connected the other I'm being myself but getting hurt. I'm just so tired and I don't know what to do or where to begin with this I feel like I'm stuck in idle bc I have no sense of direction with this.can you please help me out with some type of direction on all this.there isn't any help that's available to me therapy wise to help me figure things out. Please consider if you need more info I'm glad to comply.thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

[@avanellehansen4525]

Starts at 3:40 minutes

[@Audreyreagan.s]

I push people away when I want connection

[@natalieedelstein]

To question #1, my answer was that this is a problem for me and in my case, it's because I am autistic. I don't think that this is always an attachment issue. It is extremely common for autistic people to struggle with this exact situation. Especially as someone whose autistic traits aren't apparent to anybody else, not even to most specialists anymore even remotely and who has a more stereotypically female presentation of autism (which happens to get misdiagnosed as BPD and a variety of other mental health conditions a lot or goes entirely undiagnosed and entirely unconsidered as even being a possibility extremely often because of the autism research bias that the criteria for autism diagnosis are based on--on studies primarily done on males).

[@neurodimensions7509]

Hi I found out I was autistic in my 20s and I have a lot of the “BPD-like” traits too. I masked very heavily for a while and did, unfortunately, experience some very unhealthy relationships because of this. I believe autistic women especially can develop these traits because a)they don’t know they’re autistic and masking/people-pleasing becomes their default or b) it’s extremely hard to find healthy, accepting relationships where they can be truly authentic. Unfortunately, many autistic women also experience trauma which further exacerbates these identity and relationship patterns. I really wish the experiences of autistic women were amplified to those outside of the autistic community. I don’t really satisfy any autism stereotypes. I am hyper empathetic, for example. I am in grad school to become a counselor now, and I really hope I can open more conversations about this topic within the mental health field

[@natalieedelstein]

@@neurodimensions7509 this wasn't the reason for me because I don't mask almost at all. I just made a post about this. The autistic community tends to attribute the reason autistic traits aren't as apparent in women to masking when that's just not the only reason for this. For me, it only accounts for like 3% of the reason it isn't apparent to most others that I'm autistic.

[@astridfinley7763]

I was thinking the same thing.

[@neurodimensions7509]

@@natalieedelstein That is completely valid. I really appreciate you sharing your perspective.

[@FutureIsFreindly]

How does someone contact you?

[@whynot1548]

Having been molested as a boy, and growing up in an evangelical environment, I can relate to this sort of thing. I've wanted more connections and love but I subconsciously push many people away. Classic self sabotage

[@Fefe559]

Same! But I don’t like people. Lol. hopeless

[@GracefulEloquence]

There is no such thing as an authentic friend. You should never trust anyone to be your friend.

[@peggygarcia1131]

❤18:50

[@markalvinpizarro5198]

Can anxiety attack without me not knowing it.

[@mlkirkl09]

25:17 is question 2

[@maryandrews9160]

Executuve functioning issues doesn't always have to do with depression. Some disabilities cause issues with this

[@laramauss1948]

thank you, its always interesting with you! Wanna be my fried 😊? (Nobody asks me „How are you“?, very nice. So how are you?)

[@maddiek3352]

Disappointed my question didn't get answered again :( I'll keep trying tho haha

[@izzizeev2815]

usually the earlier you ask the more likely it is to get more likes. she asks for me at 11pm sunday aest, chuck that in google to convert it and find out what time it is for you! the three questions i’ve asked as soon as she’s posted asking for them got chosen so it’s more about timing than the actual content of the question 💜

[@maddiek3352]

@@izzizeev2815 I actually commented an hour after she posted for questions haha

[@overbuiltautomotive1299]

a lot of this makes seance not just this video but others from other YT`ers seem like what is tought misses the mark of spiritual God importance and ssri and the alike are 99 percent bunk