I was adding to HER Mental Load...

We have to understand each other's mental loads. Especially when we get married and have children, it's essential that we care about how difficult that is on BOTH of us. I was unintentionally neglecting my wife by placing all the mental load of the chores and kids on her, and it 100% contributed to the distance and disconnection in our marriage.
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
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[@JimmyonRelationships]

It's important to acknowledge that doing chores isn't the mental load, it's about understanding about ALL the mental energy it takes to plan the meals and think about what needs to get done BEFORE the chore can even be done. There are hundreds of those examples and we should be asking our spouse where they feel like they are exhausted thinking about those things so we can take some of that weight off of them if possible. =)

[@cocoscorner6419]

Im 4 years into a relationship with my girlfriend and she talks about her mental load feeling overloaded and wants me to do more chores to help. But she refuses to ask me to do things in the moment to say, clean the bird cage or vacuum the floors. I work 15 hours a week more than her, already take care of the majority of cooking, fixing, and maintaining of vehicles and home. I have tried different things and can't seem to notice the things she wants and I'm starting to break because of it. I could use some advice

[@ToddWife]

​@@cocoscorner6419if you know that cleaning the bird cage and vacuuming needs to be done, could you just do them without asking? Asking her to tell you what to do adds another task onto her list; now she's not only thinking of what she needs to do, but also thinking of what she needs you to do.... Could you just look around and see what needs to be done? What chores and tasks would you just do for yourself if she wasn't there to do it?

[@cocoscorner6419]

@@ToddWife The chores and tasks that add up to her mental load, cross that line into stressful at so much lower of a point than me that I don't notice it. I set phone reminders, Ive had friends call to remind me to look around, I've had scheduled several times a week to ask her what's stressing her out so I can do the things she is noticing that I am not. I can't just do it no matter how bad I want to be able to. It not easy and it makes me feel hollow when she tells me to just do it and I try in different ways but just keep coming up short

[@naturallyAshley85]

Helping with the tasks and beating her to them is great but it is such a small fraction. I wish there was an actual way for men to experience the actual mental load. All of the thoughts that happen as we go through the day. I'm loading laundry into the washer but thinking about having to schedule the kids drs visits or the car recall that i haven't scheduled yet. Washing the dishes and making a mental list of what we need to bring to our homeschool class tomorrow and then i remember about the supplies i still need and going over our daily schedule in my head because now i need to squeeze in a trip to the store. I'm showering and oh gosh, what time does my son work today? I hope he washed his uniform. I'm sure he lost his name tag again, I'll have to remind him to look for it **before** it's time to leave today..... it's beyond exhausting. The '18,000 browser tabs open and can't figure out where the music is coming from' analogy is just spot-on.

[@Birdbinch]

100% this, the physical act of chores is the tip of the iceberg. But reminding your son about his laundry and nametag (something that should be HIS job) might contribute to creating another man who won't do the mental load. Maybe he has special needs or something but it might be more sustainable to make a system so that he can do/remember things himself without needing mama his whole life!

[@MsBettyRubble]

Go on vacation without him (and the kids if you have any). Go from August to September right before school starts and have him deal with the back to school tasks. Or choose some other time of the year that's busy. He'll get it then.

[@fairlind]

I think ultimately it is up to us women to plug the men in and put some of those responsibilities squarely on their shoulders. I.e. if he doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Because, let’s face it, most men won’t come to us, asking for more responsibility. I’m glad there are a few, but it won’t be the norm.

[@MalisKrieg]

@@fairlind I think that is the disconnect, the things he needs to be told to do, are the things he would never do if he were alone, unless his survival depended on it. Men are survival based thinkers, anything above that is considered an unneeded luxury.

[@fairlind]

@@MalisKrieg I don’t think that’s entirely true, having seen my dad suddenly become mom when mom couldn’t be around for a time. Also, single men tend to keep their house neat, often neater than single women. But I think men are sold a fairy tale, that when they get married, all they have to do is bring home a paycheck, and wifey will do everything else. They close their eyes to their wife’s exhaustion, to how hard it is to keep any semblance of order once children enter the house. Or even when there are two people to clean up after and do laundry for, when one of them assumes he no longer has to - and that even when both of them has a job. And yes, we women have to communicate that we didn’t agree to be men’s caretakers. That we expect them to be full partners.

[@aliciasmith5842]

I love the last line you put in at the end "love would want to know the answers to these questions"-I am actually in my 2nd marriage with a man that DOES all of these things- my first husband was an abusive narcissist and for the longest time I thought EVERYTHING was my fault. Thank you so much for your videos - what you do is amazing!

[@JimmyonRelationships]

This is very kind of you

[@shellygraham2194]

Larry picks up the full load every time I have a 3 day migraine. He's amazing. He also manages to get the yard mowed while our grandson naps. 🎉 Thankful he appreciates my daily load. There is no way I could do his physically demanding job, so I won't be walking 15 minutes in his shoes. 😅

[@JimmyonRelationships]

I love this!!

[@margaretmacintosh6798]

Thank you for addressing this! I would really love to see you explore how women can help their men take on a little more of the mental load AND id love to see you do a video communicating to men how dpecial it makes us feel when they take the initiative to plan something special for special occasions or a date night with all the details even if its relatively simple. Its exhausting being the one who plans and organizes everything for a whole household and its invisible labor, we often feel taken for granted.

[@MsBettyRubble]

I really want to thank you for all your videos. I knew I was in an unhealthy relationship and wanted to end it. But everyone in my life told me I was being rediculous. Of course, I shouldnt leave him. Then I discovered your videos. I sent some of them to him. He listened and then asked what these videos had to do with him. I told my critics about your videos. They didnt like them either. None-the-less, I left. And today, Christmas, I'm spending it alone on purpose and am finally after years of struggle at peace. Next year, I'll spend it with people. But it wont be the same group.

[@ndavies9384]

This is BRILLIANT!!! Will totally save marriages and relationships for those who do this and then follow up daily on what is learned. 💥💥💥💥💥

[@ToddWife]

Thats only part of it... How do i get him to acknowledge all the other mental load things? Household inventory, knowing what clothes and equipment the kids are going to need in the next season, and in what sizes, what activities and events are coming up or need to be signed up for, keeping track of everyones appointments, planning homeschooling and teaching, decluttering and stocking up, meal planning and making sure we have the staples in the pantry/freezer, researching products and supplies for the home and our health, thinking about all the "not normal" chores and seasonal ones, remembering everything that needs a repair, maintaining relationships with neighbours and community members and kids friends' parents even though youre a preferential hermit..... Basically everything ...... When all he sees as chores to do is dishes, vacuum, and laundry, and if he did those he thinks he "did everything"... Then he says "make him a list" and now that's another task to think about and do, but there's literally a whiteboard on the fridge with the "extra" chores I wanted to get done this week....😓 Sorry.....

[@ashabas1053]

this rings so true. thankyou for, as a man, voicing what needs to be said.

[@CottageRain]

My first husband would do these things for me and insist I relaxed. I loved it!! ❤

[@JimmyonRelationships]

Love this!!!

[@Rash_cookie]

Feeling valued says it all. It doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t do anything just that it’s not a team, exactly!!

[@kimslone5185]

Learning by living it, an honest partner will be willing to go through the process.

[@darinsb6896]

I'm in a blended family. I have my own three kids and deal with all their stuff myself, Ive had my own mental load with them as a single dad and don't complain about her not taking over my mental load for my own three kids and we did great on our own in my house before blending. She had all these tasks and mental load before me with her own three kids before I showed up. I will gladly help or take over these things but she wants them done her way exactly or not at all or will complain about having to redo it all anyways. Also her kids refuse to do most things for themselves and I think they need to learn to do those things themselves to relieve my now wife from her doing everything for them. If I ask how it helps it's now another thing to add to her never ending to do list to tell me how she wants help (I also have of my own never ending list) it turns into I shouldnt have to ask and now I need to read her mind on it all. I also have a full time job manual labor and lots of mental load to keep from dying due to safety concerns with my job as well. Part of the blended family dynamic too is theres resources recommending I dont step into her dynamic with her kids to help my relationship with them. It's been a bit of a stalemate. Is there anything else you could help me with this mental load? I don't want my wife to be miserable. It seems that she's not doing enough self care to love her self that all the mental load and tasks are overwhelming. I'm not allowed to " fix" it but me hearing and understanding isn't enough either. I've orchestrated solo vacations for her and she'll enjoy the time but come back and be miserable again. Is there a false idea of paradise or high expectations going on too where there's just a reality that aside from doing every single thing for our kids that taking care of kids is just hard and a tough season regardless. Like isn't that what you sign up for when you have a kid?

[@newsoul8626]

fantastic! from a mental health therapist who works with couples on this very thing!

[@tarengaskill9974]

Thank you for your content. Never stop, I love to see it! 🎉

[@amyswalwell6406]

Oh I love this video. I think sometimes, our mothers brought us up to expect it. Can you do a video for men to listen to their wives about their health. I normally have to go to my mother in law for hubby to do something as she'll put on the waterworks.

[@foxfox9845]

Excellent. A day walking in the others shoes. 🗽🇺🇲 Brooklyn NY ❤️

[@Freedom_and_Acceptance]

Remember that she is also probably dealing with great hormonal fluctuations throughout the month, that there are days where she has 0 energy, pain and discomfort and still has to work through it.

[@confusedwhynot]

Thanks Jimmy! The problem comes when they have no empathy. They only see or perceive to be focused on how bad they feel. I'm not saying that our perception is always right, but most women are more sensitive to feelings. They feel like they have to hold their family together. You can try talking and trying to explain how you feel about what is happening but you can't make someone else change. They have to want to listen and choose to act upon it. When they have the perception that they do enough it will not matter what you say. They will find a way to complain if they think or perceive you are not doing what they expect you to do. Here lies the problem in so many relationships is perception. It isn't right to think you know or have all the answers. My marriage is proof of that. My spouse had a tendency to blame and accuse without having the facts. He played the victim without seeing that others were hurting too. It didn't matter what I said. I didn't accuse or blame him. I just expressed how the situation made me feel and how our children were struggling. That didn't seem to matter. He always invalidated, made excuses, or blamed me for everything. He still is! I am so messed up in my head now I feel like I can't think straight or my rational decision without my emotions ruling how I act. I am down one minute and up the next. I feel so messed up I am offending others and being offended by them. I doubt everyone and everything. I don't feel like I can trust others because of my experiences. It was never that way before. I knew I could trust some people. Now I feel like my back is pinned to a wall and I don't know what or how to feel.

[@ShanHill-hc6fg]

Make sure when someone takes over the “mental load jobs” that they actually do them satisfactorily. It’s not about expecting perfection. My hubs retired and now half our pots and pans are greasy and sticky because he doesn’t know how to effectively do the dishes. He gets mad if I don’t pat him on the back for doing a crappy job. At the end of the day, I’d rather just do it all if he can’t manage to do things right because I don’t have time to do them over.

[@mollyM-ql9jh]

Question: When does the stay-at-home-mama get a break? Also, what kind of answer can I give to “Well you wanted the kids and this lifestyle” when I ask for help around the house?

[@reneeyarhouse]

What if you left for your job at 6am and came home at 9pm everyday 7 days a week. It would give you just about an hour to unwind, sleep and repeat. Would you ever feel burnt out?

[@Asharra12]

There isn't much answer you can give to that except that not supporting you is betraying your relationship. Honestly, men with that attitude, a separation is needed and maybe a divorce if he doesn't improve. You can't force him to change so the only thing you can do is walk away. But it is actually easier to be on your own, than to bear alone the kids, yours AND his stuff too. At least on your own, you can mostly drop one of those.

[@indiebee5668]

I feel like you should bring up something about the fact that he can come home from his job, but you can't, with that logic.

[@e.t.2914]

On the other hand, as an anxious woman, my "mental load" is not my partner's responsibility because so much of it isn't real. So much of the "mental load" is problems I've conjured up for myself to put my mind in sync with the worry that my body feels. Is it really necessary for me to wash every little sock every day? Is it necessary for me to plan every single meal for everyday of the week? Is it really necessary for me to clean the whole house right now? Do I really need to plan everybody's christmas gifts? Often the answer is no. Men, you can't help a woman with anxiety to alleviate her mental load if she isn't talking to a therapist, medicated, or taught healthy coping mechanisms. Her list will not end. If she is anxious in her body without reason her mind will give her one. Real or not.

[@MWear-x8t]

Um you must have a reason to feel anxious, even if it was something in the past. If you can't think of a particular event, then likely it is cptsd, which is "death by 1000 paper cuts", in other words you may have been abused by someone who did not cross the line into physical abuse. Anyway, don't think of your anxiety as a personality flaw, it is a symptom. You are however right that no one can possibly take on that mental load.

[@wildrose5357]

This is true too.

[@chanansiegel834]

It is a very interesting take , although I dont agree with it. I think many of the tasks that a women do go above and beyond what needs to be done. I think that one way for her to lower her mental load as well as her physical load is change how she does the tasks. So for example instead of cleaning the bathroom until it is completed, clean the bath-room for X mins a day. Instead of doing Laundry until it is done , do Laundry for x amount of time a day. Now you ask Laundry is complicated you have to sort the colours from the whites, and the delicates from the colurs, and yes that is a mental load, so the solution too this is dont wear delicates. You have to worry about kids going to soccer practice , and baseball practice and ballet practice solution is dont sign them up for these activities where you have to be on the clock, let them go to the park and kick a ball around with a group of friends instead. Their are many ways for a women to lower her mental road without having too increase the mental load of her husband. Now this does not mean the husband should not be doing his share of the housework and the kid raising but both sides should be able to have a fair say on what those tasks should be and how they should be done.

[@greenforce888]

As long as the woman insists on it being done her way or doing things that are unnecessary, it's her mental load. If she's not willing to compromise, she's not ready to share her mental load; she'll continue to fret about everything and nag you about it as well.

[@sistagold9241]

I’m about to walk out because I’m sick of making all the decisions! I ask a question like how many should we buy and I get I don’t know. F this if I’m making all the decision why have someone around who will later have an opinion about it but wasn’t up for making the original decision like wtf!

[@wildrose5357]

I learnt to say plainly to him “I really need support here”. And he jumps in. Otherwise he doesn’t hear the need for help.

[@bostera31]

This is beautiful but what happens when there’s no emotional maturity or intelligence to actually empathize and understand that other side 😬😬

[@paperandprogress]

Doing is great but I think it misses the ownership piece like bc I'm thinking of stuff it's like ai constantly have to ask him to do things even like personal tasks for his own care. It's taxing mentally. I also get the blow back when it doesn't work out or if it's too hard oh well like who's going to handle it a magical fairy?

[@JimmyonRelationships]

True! A great first step for me to understand the mental component was starting with the physical component. Then I understood more

[@bobbiemichaelsNyc86]

Is it bad that i love that T-shirt 🙃🤭

[@tankerboysabot]

This is advice for fundamentally traditional marriages with traditional work schedules. Especially when she's seen watching TV when you leave for work and shes doing the same exact thing when you get home and NOTHING has been cleaned. Great advice for traditional work/life balance.

[@Mareb5818]

you havd not talked much about kids and the effects of parents that behavior like you have been describing - - but its been difficult to watch families hurting with their issues

[@Asharra12]

Something I've emphasised (mostly in vain) to my spouse is when he is given a chore, he also takes the MENTAL load of that chore, not just the physical. Cat litter is a good example. If he's taken the mental load I shouldn't have to remind him to do it or to get cat crystals to replace it. He's been in charge of the household shopping for the last 9 months. That's not going super great because he's not investing proper mental load into getting household items when they are on special BEFORE they run out and writing proper shopping lists. He is also ignoring my suggestions on how to do it, so I stopped trying ages ago now 🤷‍♀️ Now we repeatedly run out of household items and spend more money we don't have to buy them full price. And his repeated failure to do the above and to take any direction from me about how he should try to do it, is why we might divorce later this year. He is trying and going to therapy, but a lot of this is too little, too late because I've been begging him to take on more mental load for years. He couldn't even do it for me when I was really, really sick when I was pregnant with our child. I have never felt so alone and betrayed. I don't know if he wil ever earn my trust back.

[@twincherries6698]

Womp womp

[@davidsmithy123]

I would divorce you as well. You sound like a horrible partner "Why doesn't he do exactly how I say he should do it. In exactly my way. I have even tried to force him!" How about you reflect a little yourself. You sound completely self-obsessed.

[@wildrose5357]

Is this a joke??? If it has to be done your way and put him down for how he does it it’ll never work. I do the shopping and rarely buy on special. We need what we need.

[@marianolastnamegiven5468]

“You go with her”. Because you have no idea what to get. You. Have. No. Idea.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

😂

[@nonasmith2405]

Its is a free choice to be with who you want but its our right to make choice begore taking a health risk as well as betrail this comes from lossing friends to hiv and freinds having to live with consequences of herpies. It's mature to ask you partner if they have been with others and have health check and adult choice to care about health. Here is my point of view and my spouse's having sex with some other than your spouse or an affair is not just betrail. If you are aware of stds like herpies , hepatitis, HiV , hpv and other cancers sexually transmitted that show up 10 to 20 years later why would you risk the very life and health of your spouse. A person who would have an affair secretly and deceive will likely be not with the married partner. Did your affair go to a doctor and get all tests before having sex unlikely. So I would do an automatic divorce with someone who disrespect my very existence and life. It's more than betrayal its threating your life I want the choice with my body and just say you want another person so I can make my choice my body do what you want with yours. Some cancer stds do not show on men but kill women.

[@DK-ox7xi]

And what if you're not a stay at home dad? What if you're working at a job all day and then have to be a mind reader and do more when you get home?

[@wildrose5357]

When you get home, take 5 minutes to see how things are going and what she’s accomplished so far. You might be surprised.

[@lnigomontoya]

So since you're a stay at home dad and she works, does she help you with YOUR mental load? Honestly, this mental load thing seems like one more thing that lazy people wanna do to have it even easier. There's single parents that do all that, and they're still making it, while people that have a partner can't handle half the work a single parent does? That's why I call it being lazy, I would be a stay at home dad all day it's so easy, but I'd rather my girl have the lighter task.

[@kaygerry]

Ahaha you sweet summer child. The narcissist videos are referring to your type.

[@davidsmithy123]

Exactly. You are completely right @Ini.

[@MWear-x8t]

It is not that they resent doing it, it is that it is invisible and the other person doesn't even know they are doing it.

[@henrikhansen1023]

@JimmyOnRelationships Good video.....except for one important detail. I don't know if if last time you checked that your mirror reflected your eyes resting on a vertical axis in your head. In that case you should discard because from your video it easily detectable that they are a horizontal axis......like most TV- and computer screens. VVS (Vertical Video Syndrome) is spreading like a cancer world wide and if not checked, the consequences could be like this video expresses. kzbin.info/www/bejne/nGPTmpaDhqhgb6c

[@16pocomo]

God bless you for posting this!!! I cannot emphasize enough how much this means to me because so many times I’ve tried to talk, text, email, convey in any way I can these thoughts and words and almost always met with resistance and defense. This video means so much!!! ❤️‍🩹