I will never transport humans again by Ortsmeiser | Humans are space Orcs | HFY | TFOS925

[@_zaaya-t-dp_6736]

"Im stupid... Faster" * cool epic movie noises with sunglasses *

[@joshuabrand111]

Yyyeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!😎

[@QuesoCucuy]

my name is human and im the fastest idiot in the galaxy

[@karasuchrono]

I had to pause the video to laugh at "their efficient brains simply allowed them to be stupid faster than any known species". Truer words have never been spoken.

[@AgroSquerril]

yup

[@mstrfool]

I resemble that remark...

[@IRMentat]

this post includes me AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

[@medical-cyanide1526]

This post includes me and I like it

[@connorprado9810]

I AM DOING 300+ equations per second, AND ALL OF THEM ARE WRONG!

[@awesomemccoolname7111]

When asked why they were traveling the humans responded "spring break!" To this day I do not know where this spring was but I whole-heartedly beleive that they broke it.

[@asurasyn]

"And they _will_ weaponize anything given to them." This is damned accurate.

[@AgroSquerril]

yup

[@aj_the_infamous1013]

introduces aliens to the concept of john wick and the hitman series

[@sikertsok225]

@@aj_the_infamous1013 He killed 3 man with a fucking pencil! FOR A FUCKING DOG!!

[@sikertsok225]

Ping Pong ball gun so basically it's a weakish spring and a plunger on it that hits the ball. Plunger is held by a seer or the trigger directly. It's like a 4 minute thing... And it caused CASUALTIES??? What are they made of? Tinfoil???

[@asdrubaelvect8038]

@@sikertsok225 you got to imagine that the ping pong gun was not the thing that caused the casualties it was the flying elbows when trying to matrix Dodge out of the way

[@nikolacolic3783]

"I don't care" *refuses to elaborate further* Chad move

[@Sinyao]

The heck, was he carrying an entire frat party on his cruiser?

[@SerunaXI]

Spring breakers, as other comments have states. Or a bunch of rich kids that make up the general demographic of spring breakers.

[@oxtheunlikelycontemplator2682]

You don't have swordfight when there are ample sticks to go around?

[@flannelshirtdad]

Irish.

[@matthewklestinski7030]

The Captain is learning Human as a defensive measure, good, good..

[@justsomejerseydevilwithint4606]

NGL, literally tearing the fabric of reality sounds like EXACTLY what humans would do to invent FTL travel. That matches perfectly with the fact that nasa's only theoretical warp drive requires breaking reality and shunting negative energy in front of the craft to warp spacetime.

[@darksythe2226]

Sounds like his first charter was either marines or a frat party

[@159tony]

hardly.. Sounds more like a gaggle of youngsters between 18-23 years of age. Frat party would be more disorganized and there would be music. Marines on leave would likely engage in more relaxed activities. Only a teen or young adult would consider "sword fighting" when access to a makeshift paintball gun is denied.

[@reubenbirkhaskell3431]

@@159tony As a teen I can conform

[@riderstrano783]

@@159tony you’ve obviously never seen an active field barrack, because sword fights with random junk is is exactly something marines would do

[@159tony]

@@riderstrano783 active field barracks dont count.. because under stress stupid shit like that is necessary.

[@KageRyuu6]

A bored human is a dangerous human.

[@HighLatencyEmu]

Tbf this is true, was bored the other day and found some polystyrene and some old guitar strings and just used the guitar strings to destroy the polystyrene It's a childlike behaviour but it exists in like 95% of adult humans when bored

[@nuru666]

​@@HighLatencyEmu That's mostly a product of the times we live in, we're addicted to constant, ever-changing stimulation and the bright lights and colours and flashy things so now it's super easy to get bored

[@crystaltriforce64]

oh no, he picked up spring breakers

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@missedlegends5221]

I absolutely love the line at 3:59 “Their efficient brains simply allowed them to be stupid faster than any known species.”

[@alonenotlonely1179]

"A particularly aggressive game of tennis" had me pissing myself laughing.

[@stm7810]

I feel called out.

[@SerunaXI]

Just imagine, all that competitiveness and violence is just cheerful fun among friends. Imagine that group of friends with a serious cause to escalate what they know against a common foe. Humans can function great as lone wolves, and as pack hunters just the same.

[@Chaosrunepownage]

So fun idea: human faces may have evolved to withstand punches better. Hence why whacking your head on things while walking is painful, but typically not dangerous.

[@WorldWalker128]

Well, we are fairly clumsy, so that seems like an evolutionary necessity.

[@2ndbrain909]

I mean we evolved from monkeys. It was likely to survive hitting branches on the way down.

[@justsomejerseydevilwithint4606]

3:57 Quite an apt description of humanity's intelligence. You'd be surprised the dangerous shit I thought up in highschool. Luckily, I was never allowed to do any of them.

[@PRIM1984]

robotics classroom mini-ballista it put a 3mm steel axle in the brick wall

[@blackknightz5036]

Captain:"Your big brain only allow you to be stupid faster" Hooman:"Oh yeah?" *grab captain and head toward the airlock* Hooman:"I'm a human and welcome to jackass~" *Y E E T*

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@nickschaefer9320]

I honestly wouldn't blame him for being a speciest. I wouldn't be offended in the least bit.

[@AgroSquerril]

its a bad first experience

[@andrewgause6971]

Going to have to agree. This is a legitimate "I feel the need to apologize for my species" moment...

[@dasirrlicht5415]

@@andrewgause6971 Finally I get to use the word 'Fremdschämen'. Was about time this stories do this to me.

[@Elmithian]

@@dasirrlicht5415 Could you translate the meaning of the word to me?

[@dasirrlicht5415]

@@Elmithian Being deeply ashamed of another persons actions, while only being at best tangentially related to them. Like shaming oneself for the actions of a family member, the actions of another visitor of a park, or even something more distant, like being just a member of the same sex or species... Of course, things need to be more outragous to 'fremdschäm' oneself the less they are connected to one.

[@henrypaleveda7760]

"it only means that they are stupid faster than anyone else" see that's why my brain is smooth- for aerodynamics. I can only get 2+2=$, but I can get it faster than anyone else

[@torgomaghanyan7633]

The best kind of hfy storys, when hairless space monkeys commiting mass destruction just being themselves

[@NobodyDungeons]

My face when humans could literally tear through the hull of a alien space ship.

[@basrengangetch.2042]

nah, just the wall inside the hull is sturdier than than (hopefully)

[@Demonicpurity]

I am capable of thinking of 100 bad ideas faster than most people can iron out the details of one!

[@outofthebox5696]

"There efficient brains simply allowed them to be stupid faster than any know specied" I pissed my self laughing 😂

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@lennybjorowitz4256]

accurate assessment of the human race

[@TheInstinctWithinV2]

"Allowed them to be stupid faster" LMAO!

[@sdeawsa]

First time commenting on one of your readings. Am really digging the whole Humans are space Orcs stuff, Keep it up. Also mainly commenting for the Algorithm!

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you are enjoying the content , for the algorithm

[@Volucrum]

The captain has encountered the most scary of the human species. Young adolescents.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol true

[@zzav2345]

dang this sounds like a group of mariens on leave or a paticularly roudy frat on a school trip .......

[@James-ep2bx]

Don't know if it was accidental or purposeful, but the narration skipped over why human need transport

[@AgroSquerril]

twas an accident

[@erikagehm2805]

Why am I picturing a group of college frat boys?

[@AgroSquerril]

could be

[@tomtom9853]

The boys go to space, the story.

[@darwinskeeper421]

This ma be the funniest video Agro Squirrel has ever read. I broke down laughing at one point and I rarely laugh.

[@PeoplecallmeLucifer]

imagine this captain seeing a human party

[@justanobadi6655]

>Drink cooking alcohol >say you can't read other languages >refuse to elaborate

[@Elmithian]

Sounds like US spring breakers

[@samsignorelli]

3:56....yeah, that's pretty much the most accurate description of humans ever.

[@alexs5814]

this was a bowl of fun!!! great story and nice reading!

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@vmcyam64]

Probably the best description of 'humanity on a night out' or Booze Cruise I have ever heard. Genuinely laughed out loud. Brilliant.

[@joka890able]

KZbin Algorithm: I will show this to many users so that they'll become addicted and buy my premium.

[@AgroSquerril]

sounds reasonable

[@elmodelo101]

This is one of the most "humans are space orks" stories that I have ever heard, thank you 😎👍

[@christhesmith6261]

They can be stupid faster, I'm dead

[@carlfromtheoc1788]

Wait until the dude discovers he was only dealing with the females of humanity and that the males are even bigger and more aggressive.

[@JEL625]

Turns out, it was teenagers going on a trip. The chaperons couldn't fit on the ship.

[@munchies982]

The ones fighting over the bunk were males

[@GarlicAvenger]

@@JEL625 With the immaturity of fighting over a bunking situation and the mating in the public toilets implies hormonal teenagers. That or exceptionally trashy adults, like the ones on any "reality tv" show.

[@youtubestudiosucks978]

Why do you hate men?

[@eleethtahgra7182]

Errr...no. That fist fighting when drunk is probably males. Also, copulation. So probably male n female. So hes dealing with both male n female passengers.

[@greyman1k]

Priceless! Great entertainment, and a truly accurate description of normal human activities. Yes, indeed.....we are the aliens.

[@Warrior-Of-Virtue]

1:10 You skipped a paragraph.

[@justsomejerseydevilwithint4606]

9:28 Again, an apt descriptor of humanity.

[@gothicshark]

Sounds like a High School field trip.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@sugar4me225]

Sounds like a bunch of college kids on spring break:) hahahaha

[@stevenweaver3386]

Space aliens are such wussies. They need humans to teach them how to lighten up and have fun.

[@seanpeacock4290]

There are a few ideas that say that only heard type creatures would make it to space because they naturally cooperate with each other and pack hunters are not normal in space. The other is more scientific and that is that at a higher gravity than earth getting into orbit is not possible, file to weight radius and whatnot. So humans would be sturdier and stronger than the norm as a result.

[@Maeshalanadae]

First rule all new transport captains make: “NO MORE LIVE CARGO!!!”

[@Maistro69]

Lmao. I love that the captain took offense over a tip.

[@MidnightSmoke]

yep, that sounds like humans. Here is a like and comment to help your channel grow and get you the recognition you deserve.

[@reighniz4488]

I laughed until I coughed. That was great.

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@kilogramofwhat830]

This gave me a good chuckle

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@Adiscretefirm]

The captain that studies humans enough to start catering to senior citizens instead of Spring Breakers is going to make a fortune

[@ironworksdragon6843]

Bob the dragoon

[@elmodelo101]

This sounds a lot like "teenagers" in a "spring break"

[@turboprint3d]

Always love the 3rd species viewpoint on humans .

[@merlinathrawes746]

OMG!!! The heightened speed of their brains just allowed them to get stupid faster.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Sounds about right though.

[@DarthRedshirt]

Privates. He's describing a platoon of unsupervised US Army Privates.

[@calvingreene90]

He should have given them more of the food heating fuel.

[@adampender3685]

Sounds like a bunch of Spring Breakers

[@carlfranz6805]

so... in the future, all humans are college frat members??

[@wastehazey6468]

There exists no force in the universe that's more destructive, violent, unpredictable, moronic disastrous, cunning, calamitous, glorious, magnificent, passionate, wholesome, brutal, loving, aggressive, caring, entertaining and downright funny as a bunch of male primates acting like primates.

[@sherylcascadden4988]

For the author! For the narrator! For the algorithm!!! Humans are weird.

[@efraim3364]

soo basically an episode of "Cops"?

[@WorldWalker128]

This one was a delight to listen to, and I am....proud? Embarrassed? (Eh, something between that) to say that it's also highly accurate.

[@stm7810]

"Stupid faster" yep, that's us!

[@paulhuston9991]

Yeah no doubt after being I. Hostile countries learning those cues is essential to not going room temperature. You learn really fast, in fact you got the rest of your life to get it right haha

[@joimumu]

That sound like a fun trip :)

[@xaviermantha63]

Thanks for the video.

[@AgroSquerril]

a pleasure

[@brianhughes2136]

'Animal House' and aliens do not mix...

[@Kualinar]

That captain failed at one very crucial thing : He let the humans get bored. Bored humans will do pretty much anything to alleviate their boredom.

[@colincampbell767]

" . . . simply allowed them to be stupid faster than any known species." I wish I had heard this line 25 years ago. Would have been useful when chewing out junior enlisted soldiers who did something dumb.

[@jeanannd]

LOL, love this story. So cooking fuel equals booze? To bad the ET didn't realize many so called poisons have in fact become useful and even healthy if done in moderation. Coffee, tea, booze, vinegar, salt, peppers, etc., Though the humans on this poor ET's ships were rather poorly behaved, and rude. Hey, that caffeine poisoned drink (coffee) has been shown to be good for you and for brain activity. Well ping pong balls are fairly harmless to other humans - apparently not to the alien crew. Hey, tennis balls are soft. LOL

[@ornu01]

Was this a frat or something? Terribly rude passengers.

[@TonyZTank]

Best one so far

[@juleswild9498]

Fantastic xD really made me laugh

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@hollyferay8131]

Injuries by tennis .... awesome

[@pixynowwithevenmorebelkanb6965]

I wonder how big the biggest alien ship is compared to a Battleship Let me guess, they are 30x smaller?

[@liamoneill8971]

Stupid faster... I'm dying

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@1992dragonblade]

Holy cow they killed people using ping pong balls 😂

[@calvingreene90]

Making mistakes faster explains much.

[@AgroSquerril]

yarp

[@SiegeTF]

That title sounds like it could be a country song. Like maybe a longhaul trucker turned municipal bus driver.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@Meisha-san]

This is hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣

[@scotthinger6397]

Just.... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@davitto01]

They kept shouting something in their language our translators couldn't quite interpret. "Spring Break!"....I fail to see what broken coils of steel had to do with their behaviour. I understand they use these "springs" in their resting areas, which also serve as their preferred mating location....perhaps that is why they resorted to using other areas of my ship. If their preferred mating area was damaged?

[@pigpen3428]

we do it for shits and giggles

[@kirkjones9639]

Fur the Algorerithm!

[@AgroSquerril]

For the Algorithm

[@LeonidSaykin]

not the game of "tennis"

[@Bdady74]

Algorithm appeasement comment

[@AgroSquerril]

For the Algorithm

[@krissisk4163]

The second one is less "Humans are space orks" and more "Humans are complete children." It sounds like this unfortunate captain had the misfortune of transporting a particularly immature group of teens.

[@xavierzaxavier5873]

Lol i wonder what peaceful game xeno do to even say tennis such dangerous game..🤣🤣

[@theduke7539]

Hard to blame the captain. Humans when on our own can be held to a high standard, but in a large enough group with no real responsibilities, we can grow to be rather inappropriate, and inconsiderate of the protocols and norms of other people, ask literally anyone who has dealt with tourists.

[@mstrfool]

LOL. Warp drives of death. Think I may have been around humans too long... As soon as I heard that I wanted a warp drive of death. Humans are a pain in the ass... But loads of fun.

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

For the Squerril

[@AgroSquerril]

For the Algorithm

[@arceejackson8936]

seems theres only one story and nothing about the "negotiations"

[@AgroSquerril]

corrected , thank you for pointing it out.

[@wesselbadenhorst2943]

Algotythm

[@Maeshalanadae]

And again, any creatures as weak as them would have never made it to space.

[@usernamealreadytaken9330]

>Consumed toxic cooking fuel >Reason "Well, I can't read" and didn't care >Refused to elaborate further >Leave *Human are space Chad*

[@thunderbird4636]

FOR THE ALGORITHM GODS!

[@AgroSquerril]

for the algorithm

[@bathroomprophet2310]

Ha , fun.

[@genericuser984]

neat

[@AgroSquerril]

:)