Identifying Toxic Family Members -Psychotherapy Crash Course

*Early upload tonight!
Identifying toxic, unhealthy, and even dangerous family requires a special eye and intuition. If you don't have red signals going off each time you encounter a difficult family member, you may good to go.
But for those of you who are confused about the signs a family member is sending you that they cannot be trusted, I offer some guidance in this video.
I welcome your comments and questions!
---Contact me------
I'm Támara, a licensed and nationally certified mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at [e-mail].
Mail me stuff!
PO BOX 15747
ROBINSON TWP., PA 15244
Social media:
Twitter - @therapisttee
Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
Blog - blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers
_______________________________________
#trauma #Familytherapy #tamarahilllpc
*New videos Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

If this video was helpful to you, I encourage you to share it! Please like and comment. 🙂

[@taniatanner7483]

Thank you Tamara Hill your advice it's very helpful and it came in the right time in my life when I am trying to be myself and get over my traumas the my parents cause to me, now I can see things clear and I realize that I need peace in my life to be healthy emotionally and physically and I can not have it living around my family your video came in the right time in my life when changes are happening in my life and I need to do better decisions for my self and my wellbeing thank you I appreciate your help very much I deserve to be myself, I deserve to live in peace, and I deserve to be happy this are the things that I am getting back now at 52 years old dealing first with my parents and then with my husband who always has been gay man but I didn't know in till I have started noticing and getting to know myself and listen to my feelings I am learning to know myself and I like myself and also finding out about my husband love affair with a man for now 9 years and we have been married 13 1/2 years the good thing is that I am able to understand the process that I am going through I want to say thank you for your videos that are being very helpful and other KZbinrs too I can say that at 52 years old I am being sent free to be myself and that makes me happy thank you🙂💖

[@feefeenmacrackers7651]

I shared it. I can relate to all of this. My family betrayed me and blamed me for the abuse that I suffered in their care. I'm a happier person in their absence. I got away from them after my father was jailed for 11 years.

[@shakurwonders5216]

This reminds me how my life sucks become how can family do this? just disgusting. i cant comprehend that we happen to have same dna.

[@Onelove858]

@@shakurwonders5216 I know right. Same here. They are DISGUSTING 🤮. The unacceptable behaviors is crazy.

[@OAlchemAzyl]

I’ve been dealing with this for 40 years!!! There is absolutely no apologies, they don’t care and they laugh they gossip, it’s starts with my mom unfortunately 🤬😢 it’s horrible. Thanks for this video!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! I'm really sorry to hear this. I know all too well what this is like personally and professionally. Keep pushing forward. It gets better.

[@OAlchemAzyl]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you and it’s great to have your videos to listen to and learn 👍

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!! It's my pleasure.

[@teetrav]

OMG I know...in every sick family there is always a leader who creates horrible chaos and then stands back and watches the destruction with an 👿 evil smirk..

[@cherelleparchment3780]

I'm going through this too. All starts with my mom as well, It's heartbreaking. I finally decided that enough is enough and pulled away. It's so hard but needs to be done.😪

[@maryestamacka8900]

Once I left the abuser 75% of my family of origin (alcoholic father & histrionic abusive mother and 6 Narcissistic and codependent siblings) sided with him and turned against me so I cut off 100% of them and all mutual friends, childhood friends, any one associated with my past was cut off permanently... betrayal of every kind was done to me since my birth... I’m never turning back ever... that door is closed forever .

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Good for you. I am glad you were able to find the strength to do this. Not everyone can.

[@teetrav]

Totally feel you on this..yes.totally!!!

[@jillianchaloux6186]

I need to do this.

[@lemaxx2638]

Well done

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

My sister did this my whole life behind my back triangulated and destroyed so many relationships. She beat me as a child then lied and said I did it to myself. It took 50 years to see this for what it was and the truth was devastating. I loved her. She hated me. I severed all ties. Wish I’d done it sooner.

[@scottfamily5963]

I am sorry that happened to you. I understand and have experienced similar. Yes, so much time is wasted believing they love us too and thinking these are our people who will have our back even when instead they are betraying us. There are a number of them in my extended family. They are greedy and character assassinate us for their own benefit and we suffer the real, human, costly pain that they cannot. It can feel like being orphaned, not belonging.

[@louisaa.4614]

same here,, so sad

[@lundsweden]

I'm so sorry to gear what's happened to you. I feel too your sister has lost something too, well she's lost you but also her humanity, her ability to be authentic, to gave warm relations, to have the strength to be vulnerable.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

I’ve had this too. She and other family members- it’s so horrid. I wish I walked away years ago. I had a therapist blame me. No 1 need is psychoeducation. None of that was provided in therapy. Thank goodness for KZbin also what Tamara provides here is way beyond quality psychoeducation, it’s validating and also gently posing important questions. It’s horrible how we’re not really believed, even by friends with psychological training.

[@teresafraser3049]

The answer to this is to walk away and never look back

[@nelsonmuntz3041]

I can't stand how they always be taking a worst picture of me without my permission and decided to post it on social media

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry Nelson. I would be the same way. Please don't take my picture and then don't ask my permission to use it.

[@heathershults8424]

In my family it is my mother who plays persecutor as well as victim. Using the phrase, “you hurt my feelings” constantly so she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for her own actions/behavior. Everything is always someone else’s fault! Yet loves to play leader and point out what everyone else needs to “fix”. I am currently trying to convey boundaries, which has made me an enemy. Thank God I have my husband and his family in my corner. I am done with the guilt trips and lying!

[@JoesVinylShow1980]

Sounds like my mother. I cut ties.

[@thadshakanthan9072]

That IS my mother😁

[@amahdcole7888]

And it says family going to turn against you when you no long do what they want

[@corinnaitile4u]

Absolutely......

[@larosenoirek2197]

Yes my sister gives me hard time for some reason so I cut her off. And I miss her but trust me, my life is better off without her!

[@Andronicus2007]

Well the old joke goes "if you have to ask the question" meaning if you think theres a problem, there is a problem. Trust your instincts. If people don't respect you, listen to you, if they try to dominate the conversation and ultimately dominate you- run!

[@ProphetessSatin]

I have a sister who did this told my secret to another sister talk about me like a dog and told lies on me this has happen over and over even my mom volatile my boundaries. You pinned my whole family

[@mediacenterman8583]

My brother says I am toxic. Then, he got caught stealing at work and was arrested. I had to go to court and sit with him while he was sentenced. I think he has it backwards.

[@yeswing10]

Any kind of righteousness, discipline, truth, hard work, is considered toxic in today's world.

[@tyleryoung9638]

The only way to win is not to play

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Thank you! As you said in your situation, if you get tired enough, you execute. It was that case for me. Got out of a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage. Had already gone grey rock with certain members of my family for years. Next time I got manipulated by them, I was done. Couldn't take it anymore. Went no contact, and there was backlash. In truth I know I made the right call, but I still struggle with self-doubt, and whether I was being too harsh. I suppose that's a byproduct of being steeped in those dynamics for so long. Trying to heal...

[@ghettoghost305]

It is so hard to cut your family off because they’re your family despite how toxic they may be. I’ve had to do it and years later I will think about it and cry. Growing up in a toxic household is crazy, because it definitely affects you negatively as an adult until you decide to get therapy and work hard to overcome it. It makes is hard to trust people. I only talk to my Dad and little sister and I have a lot of siblings but I refuse to have toxicity in my life and especially around my kids. I miss having a family I can do things with but I am at peace without all of the unnecessary drama. I thank God I have my kids and the few friends I have.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I very much agree. This is really hard for some families who embrace family as a "holy" or "sacred" thing. It's easy to do that when your family is healthy, not so much when it isn't. I do have clients who state that it's still hard to set that boundary, to walk away, etc. And I agree! As you point out, however, the toxicity enters your life in different ways such as a lack of trust of others, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, guilt, etc. It's such a blessing to that trusted group of your friends and children! Good for you.

[@jackmatthews7913]

I have been sick and have to stay with a family member who hates on me , talks behind my back to all other family members and i have no choice otherwise i would be homeless . the anger and hurt this causes me is very unpleasant.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry Jack. That's traumatizing indeed. What they sow they will reap. What goes around comes around. They will be repaid for mistreating you.I'm of the firm belief that we all have a day to face the rawness of life and for those who mistreat those who are in need, I wouldn't want to see what their fate beholds.

[@monkeybearmax]

I’m so sorry 😢 so cruel to do but even worse when u are already dealing with serious health issues.

[@dragonclaws9367]

This is my grandmother to a tee. Except I was laid off and have a bankruptcy going. She treats my mom like a doormat and I will always be an ungrateful insolent child and a spoiled brat at 43. I carry enough shame being home as it is. And my stepfather is some kind of narcopath who does covert aggressive things to target my belongings and thus me.

[@JoesVinylShow1980]

I'd rather live in my car and sleep on a bench than having to live by an a-hole's rules and abuse.

[@JoesVinylShow1980]

@@TherapistTamaraHill sometimes people get away with things; but one thing that may remain once they leave this Earth: their bad reputation. People may defecate or urinate on their grave.

[@LADYDIVAful]

Thank you for saying "get out of there"! I did and they are angry because I don't deal with them on any level. Yes, they're playing the victim, even turned a few people against me, but two people saw what I had seen and tried to reach me, but I'm not even ready to deal with the two.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Very glad for you!! Hopefully you now have peace.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Yes- thank god you have your husband and his family- some many of us married into a different version of same.

[@sh6460]

You just described several people in my family. A counselor told me about a decade ago that I was like Marilyn on the munsters. Betrayal, triangulation, pathological lying, spinning, all of it from these disturbed charactors. It seems I'm allowing myself to see and truly accept it more and more, but it's hard when they have entangled my adult children.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Good you had a competent therapist

[@jamesvanderhoof7536]

Rasism in the family is very real. I love this video, well done!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you!!

[@jillianchaloux6186]

My father had children w. A native American woman yet can't bring himself to recognize inreturn are mixed.

[@adriancampbell630]

Just because you forgive someone does not mean this person is meant to stay in your life. Forgive and let them go. They are who they are.

[@lilyambrose7863]

My mom passed away 4 days before my fifteenth birthday. Six months later, my dad almost passed away, but he was rushed into emergency surgery and he lived. I was seconds away from losing both of my parents in one year. My older sister fell into drugs and got pregnant, my grandmother moved out of our family home, my dad started seeing a new woman(my current “stepmother”) and this woman has alienated my sister and I from him since then. It has been thirteen years. My grandmother has passed away. My sister has had 5 kids by two men who she has claimed abused her. I have given my sister close to 10,000 dollars over the years trying to help her, my dad’s wife hates me and has convinced my dad to hate me. The only people I had left were my sister and her children. I recently lost my job and asked for my sister’s help and she refused. Holding one instance that she paid for my phone bill when I couldn’t access my account over my head. How dare I? There is no way I can begin to describe the amount of pain it has caused me to try and keep my family together over the years. I am trying to make sense of it all. I appreciate your videos. They make me feel like I’m not so alone. Thank you. ❤️

[@JoesVinylShow1980]

I have learned that humans only care about what you can do for them. They aren't there when you need them. True friends are extremely rare these days.

[@ChillConservative2k15]

My siblings are such pathological liars that I've gotten to the point to where I don't even pretend to act like I care about them. My sister will steal my stuff and when I confront her about it she lies to my face (which is stupid because that infuriates me), then when I steal their stuff in retaliation I'm the bad guy.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I don't blame you. I can see why you have, in a sense, set the boundary. It's too toxic of a situation.

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

Thank you for sharing your own experiences with us. It's humanizing and also gives more credibility to your message. Very refreshing to see a therapist breaking that "fourth wall" with their audience :). Congratulations for your great channel Támara.

[@GT95_302]

Only thing I deal with is who puts effort in, and who doesn’t. Pretty much don’t see or talk to immediate or extended family if I’m not initiating the conversations. Really only saw the blaming when people started asking why they never see or hear from me. When I remind them it’s a 2 way street, all of a sudden I’m being selfish. Yep, have a nice life.

[@jocelynbernstein9878]

I have a very toxic family. Emeshment and such. Lost our Mom and she was aware. My intuition, my gut, and me now having children is making me not want to be around this toxcitity anymore ESPECIALLY if I am going to break this generational curse. I feel crazy. But your videos are so on point that I can’t be!!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you Jocelyn. I hope these kind of videos on my channel are helpful. It appears like you are possibly struggling with conflicting emotions and thoughts on this. And I don't blame you. Most people would struggle. It's best to get into some kind of counseling so that you can focus on healing, building insight into things including yourself, and then moving forward in the right direction.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Hi Jocelyn, i lost my mother and everything changed,..i walked away. Peace to you.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Hello Jocelyn..my story is similar. Lost my mother who was aware of toxic siblings. And, after she left- i decided to break the curse and walk away. Merry Christmas;-)

[@CeluiEtSeul]

One thing I hate is that they keep reminding about who they are to me. "I'm your father... I'm your aunty... i'm your family..." like i'm some kind of Idiot who doesn't know that. It's pathectic.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That's always an emotional ploy with the hopes of changing how you see them. The issue is figuring out if what they say is worth you considering or walking away from.

[@JoesVinylShow1980]

You are under no obligation to have a relationship with family. Just because they're family doesn't mean they can disrespect you and use you.

[@trishlee7214]

I just cut off my sister ..she is so toxic ..she keeps everyone against each other and talking to her only so no one knows the real truth.. and that's not even the all of it..she envious and so toxic ..I can't take anymore. She's not allowed in my life..... I feel so relieved and at peace already because I've been wanting to do this so long but always felt guilty..now I am living for my happiness so that I can be the best mother to my daughter

[@gracebediako1666]

Same my sister do mean to me I can’t take it and lies

[@mediacenterman8583]

My brother says I am toxic. This grown ass man, stole on the job, which resulted in the Cops coming to our elderly parents house. He was arrested and I had to attend court [no one else would] while he was sentenced. Whenever I call his bullshit out, he whines to our other siblings and they make me the bad guy. This man stole on the job, brought cops to the family home and was convicted for 18 counts of theft. Does he want a cookie???

[@jessicavargas5535]

# betrayal # violates any of my boundaries# triangulates family members#abuse # pepetrates toxicity# I'm not participating in this ridículous behavior and I'm striving for a better future, better goal , better direction. Thank you for these helpful tips. This is exactly what I'm striving for. ❤

[@alaynamarino]

I really appreciate you explaining the drama triangle because the situation can be very consuming and confusing

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That's good to know! Glad it was helpful. And yes, it is confusing.

[@queennchronicales7815]

Wow, this was awesome ,so many nuggets of information. I think we feel like because we are family we will not experience toxicity or maybe we are experiencing this type behavior and didn’t know how to explain it or put a name to it . I know growing up you deal with family members and you feel a certain way about them but you blow it off. Then later on when you grow up you tend to avoid them or stop talking to them all together without realizing why. Now I know why.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Very glad this is helpful to you! Thank you. And I agree with your assessment. I have a lot of clients who would agree.

[@J3nnycat]

This is all my father to a T. And yet, I still miss the man I thought he was...

[@Ross_Embossed]

You have a great talent for explaining this all :) Wish I had heard this so clearly 3yrs ago before my NPD-Dad ruined my life

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you Ross M. I'm glad this was helpful. This condition needs to be spoken about more often.

[@belindamartinez8441]

Watching this video again. Trying to understand why my family treats me the way they do. I believe my family members are toxic to me. However they probably think I'm toxic, but if I am it's them that makes me toxic. What I can remember it started maybe just three or four years ago. And just when I forgive them for the umpteenth time, they get me to a point where I want to hurt them. I cannot afford to see a psychiatrist if it is me. I don't get enrage like this unless they do something to me. I've been talked about and I've been taken advantage of by the very ones that I have been there for and done for them. My love for them was deep and now all I feel is Anger. I've prayed about it still praying, but then I see or hear something that tears me up inside and my Anger comes out again. Your advice would help. Thank you in advance.😕

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry to hear this. This is the normal ups and downs of an unhealthy family system. Because I don't know all the facts, as I would if you were a client, I can't give you direct "advice." But I can suggest looking into teletherapy online through BetterHelp, Teladoc, or Cerebral. They offer affordable options for therapy. In addition to that, you are doing well just by looking for information online and watching videos like my own. Doing a lot of self-reflection which it sounds like you are doing is also a good step. You're doing what you can outside of therapy.

[@H-youtube7]

Helpful video, it can be hard to objectively recognise abuse and not be a part of it. Thank you for the recognition of what can occur re multi-ethnic family too.

[@LegionOfShrooms]

I just started to write them off. Grandmother likes to be a tattle tail. Can't confide in her. Same as my mother. My dad won't do it in front of me. But I know when I leave his house he tells the rest of my family. So I just started writing them off. Much less stress. My grandfather isn't into the gossip crap. So in do talk to him and help him out with things but don't talk to my grandmother.

[@karene.364]

I’m currently going through this with my sister and my eldest daughter who is estranged from our family and there is a lot of gossiping going on behind my back and you think everything is good for some time and then just before Christmas there is more manipulation. It’s a pattern with insults and blame.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry you have to experience this Karen. This is never easy and is just heartbreaking when it comes from people you should be able to trust.

[@annak15]

..but Tamara, there will only be 2- 3 people left! I have started therapy about 6 years ago, initially thinking that a few CBT sessions would “fix me”, and holy moly…. It has been a process of seeing and then accepting the reality of who my family members really are. It is incredibly painful, difficult process. At one point, I started to wonder if I was an idiot, because I could not fathom why I didn’t SEE the reality in front of me. Now, I see everything very differently but the shock still continues as you start seeing those toxic behaviours in others close to you…friends, partners.. Initially, I felt like I had no energy and I was not sure how to trust my own judgement, but I am very happy to say that the self-assurance and confidence you get after grieving, is priceless. Grieving was probably the hardest part. I didn’t know how to process emotions instead of drowning in them. Therapy and some books helped but I would love to hear if anyone else had other methods of coping with the pain of releasing the harmful (but very close) people from your life?

[@JoesVinylShow1980]

It's ok to grieve. I lost a beloved cat 4 years ago and still cry about her. I once was shocked by betrayal. Now, I am numb to it. It's happened so many times I no longer have high expectations of anyone; I don't expect loyalty or appreciation. People can be two-faced. The only thing I want to invest my time and money are is helping cats.

[@Allaboutbaby24]

Yes it's totally natural to deal with a lot of grief even if you make the necessary step to cut off relationships in your life that don't serve you. I'm going through a similar experience right now, where I'm basically separating from my family as they're always right and always the victim, can't apologise (they would rather gaslight me than acknowledge a mistake) and have zero empathy. Since you've asked what others found helpful: I'm really finding helpful to write out all the negative things they did, as well as the positives I deserved and didn't get (inspired by a Ted talk from Joan Rosenberg about grief), also about all the future experiences that I'm loosing (my future wife meeting my family, my future kids having grandparents) etc - I also got this idea from somewhere, but don't remember from where. And some others books that helped me: Permission to feel by Marc Brackett No matter what by Lisa Nichols The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg Daring greatly by Brene Brown Grief by Joan Cacciatore Reading about family estrangement and unambiguous loss (aka no one died but the relationship is dead) What helped me the most were also the thoughts that 1. Grief is a natural process of letting go to who or what was once important 2. It's OK to cry about it 3. While allowing these painful emotions, also to focus on what it means in a positive way and what I'm gaining (e.g. I'm honouring myself enough to step away from disfunction; I've learnt better boundaries) Also let me know about your recommendations (Both thoughts, books, other resources). May we all heal and be happy!

[@africarain1671]

An unnatural event, to experience abuse from your own family, Well, described. Thanks.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome and thank you!!

[@princessp1361]

I thank God everyday I don't deal with none of them and never will god is good thank you God amen when I left I never looked back and I thank God everyday for helping meve on with my life

[@ARasputinaFan]

This may not be an appropriate topic for a video but I'm hoping you may have some ideas. What about a family that has kept an adult as a child? As in body and mind modifications, literally, to keep them in a child-like state. The person has extreme anger outburts, no identity of their own, and SI and HI.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is excellent! Great topic. I do have something similar on the list and will incorporate your suggestion. Important topic.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I love your channel- thorough, helpful and validating. I am recently thinking of studying psychology as a new career.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

❤Thank you!

[@blvckgirlmagicc_98sjournal]

Can’t wait to leave these people alone 😔 and never look back

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I don't blame you. Unhealthy family can be draining.

[@bethmoore9514]

Thanks so much. This was the best information I’ve found on what I’m dealing with.The triangle made a lot of sense. God bless you 🌻

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You are so welcome🥰 God bless you too!

[@karenbroomes3259]

My sister got involved with my ex months after he and I broke up my sister and I where very close and it hurt me alot I forgive her that was 2019 would you believe did the same thing again in 2021 with another on my ex's even stated inviting him to family gatherings can you please tell me what is wrong with this woman ? I'm.done with her and my other family members who thinks this ok

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Oh my🙄 No boundaries with your sister for sure. I'm sorry to hear that. Very detrimental to the relationship. I might consider her a sociopath at this point. Maybe. Maybe not. But very close.

[@karenbroomes3259]

I consider her as a sociopath no one in they right mind thinks this is ok

[@stassibonassi7373]

Their house always dirty too

[@elizabethseiden9938]

Hi Tamara! Amazing video! I’ve learned a lot about my narcissistic father’s toxic abuse. He’s a malignant narcissist. I went to visit him for birthday. However, it was dangerous after not visiting him for twenty years. I stopped being his supply. Now I lost my dog and I’m grieving for my loving, beautiful puppy! Big hugs and Much love, from Texas!🐶🌺🏅🐝🐈😎💥🐲🍎🦋🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🍓🍦🍕🍿🍏🍪🍩🎂🍇🐣❤️🌺🦋🐶

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Condolences to you on the loss of your beautiful canine companion. I see it is a year ago. I hope you now can remember the good feelings of love.

[@cavianguardian]

My mom die in 2018. The hardest loss I had to experience while in college, we saw each other every single day! We lived together all my life. Shared an unbreakable bond that no family member could interfere. After her death my family was mad I still lived in the house. Trying to kick me out because I won’t give them free stuff and money… I didn’t have any money! I never received dime which I never cared about money. My family disown me. Okay! I had to live with it. The past was in the past here’s the present… 2019 my brother stuck by me helped me with the house and trying to fix’s things up. Come to find out he was diagnose with pancreatic cancer in the worst stage, die 2019. Family only came around for his stuff. They accused me off stealing his money & other nasty stuff. He was like a father to me protecting me from the others. Okay, 2020… two people sister and her husband turn a new leaf promising my brother they would help me out. Okay! Now, My sister would call me 3-4 times a day. Just to talk about the family and how she’s doing a job of helping me. And so much drama. I told her to cut back on the calls because when I’m busy I can’t be answering the phone like that. Sister made a big deal out of it. She told the family I cursed her out over the phone. I treat her so mean after she takes care of me. I’m doing drugs. Oh, my favorite I’m having sex in my own house that’s why I don’t answer the phone or door for her. Ugh! It gets worse. Now family members that never called me calls me to lay me out for being disrespectful! I literally wanted her to stop calling me so much in a day and the way she talks to me as a person in their 20s living alone no children is disgusting. He’s gotten so bad I have to save her nasty messages and try to record her calls because she never tells the truth. If I don’t tell her my whereabouts, whom I am with, where are we going and when I come back home also who’s in my house is being disrespectful! I don’t see any right in this! She stops calling me for two days come to find out she as a key to my house and came in without telling but mention a week later! That set me off! Her husband telling me I was being disrespectful to her. She’s not trying to control my life. She’s still in pain after losing her mom & brother. What the hell? I live in a house where the person I love is gone, every second of day I saw their faces. Now it’s empty. Now, I’m so tried! This person is always the victim, but accuses me of things that’s so childish. Everyone feeds into. Saying “I’ve changed. What happened to your bubbly personality?” Hmm family and life happened! They are so toxic

[@truth4utoda]

Tamara, this is great! Thank you. This is something I needed to hear because my in-laws are driving me crazy! What can we do to get away???

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! Glad this was helpful. I'll be talking about that Friday!

[@triumphantinchrist5242]

My experience has been made the scapegoat to cover up underlined issues that had nothing to do with me. Also I believe I have a narcissistic mother. Then there is the gas lighting. I'm ready to cut off my mother. I'm exhausted.

[@springlily2948]

I just want to know why my cousins have lied about me to everyone we know, it honestly still hurts. And my cousins don’t do it now but I can tell when they are fake, and I’m still emotionally hurting because of what’s been done.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry! This is always tough when family are involved. It's clear they are unhealthy people. You have to decide if you can live life with them, trust them, or even communicate with them moving forward. Sometimes you can confront family and have a conversation that betters things. Other times it's not even worth it. You have to determine that. Take care

[@axolendzimane139]

I have a toxic aunt as well. Has always been negative and thought the worst of me since I was a child until now. 2 years back and last yr she would call me and be so negative. After her calls I would feel so depressed and I still recall all those events and get filled with so much anger. When she texts me she doesn't even bother asking how I am she just wants to track my progress in life. What I am doing. That's all she cares about. I think she compares me with her children. I told her recently about her behavior and she denied everything. I have made the choice to remove her contact and stay away from her. Which will be hard coz she is my mom's sister.

[@marielyspaduasoto3274]

I can relate. Very mentally ill individuals.

[@oliviavaldez8961]

Exact same thing happened to me! With my aunt, my mom's sis too. Since I was tiny she always pushed me and made me feel lower than low, yet jealousy was the driving force. I had it when she told me last year some mean comments regarding how I was caring for a loved one, my Mom, who was very ill (fighting brain cancer and quad amputee - lost both hands and feet) I did the very darn best I can but when she stuck a verbal stake in my heart one day, I said that's it. I had it. she may be Mom's sis but I am not putting up with it any longer. i asked for an apology and treat me better or LEAVE FOR GOOD! A year later, I get no apology, and I cut her cold turkey.

[@queunlimited4779]

Direct, Concise and Quite excellent but I feel that someone who is unable or unwilling to objectively reflect and acknowledge their own shortcomings will arm themselves with this information and accuse, project and/or lay blame solely on the other without taking responsibility for their part and actions cleanly, honestly, accurately and judiciously weighing not only truth, conditions but also frequency of ill will and reasons to disconnect. 🙏

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I appreciate your assessment on this. Almost every topic on my channel - and most likely many others - can do the same thing. I'm in agreement that there are some narcissists and sociopaths who will use this information the wrong way. That's always a potential "consequence" of doing what I do.

[@queunlimited4779]

@@TherapistTamaraHill clearly. I know you know what I'm saying. The comment was more for viewers to consider.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

yes, I do. glad you mentioned this!

[@karenwhite7023]

Hi Tamara What if a husbands female cousin is causing problems that husband does not see. What should the person do?

[@LaLisa1024]

That awkward moment my birth givers and that covert narc sucubusister check all 5. Estrangement month 6 ✌🏼

[@lisafowler7563]

Ive Delt with my husband's Toxic siblings for 34 yrs and Im so Glad its Over. 🎉🎉 This video tells the Story of their Toxic SELVES

[@keeprowing1959]

Hey Tamara thanks for summarizing this topic and offering solutions!!!🎯💎

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome and thanks for watching!

[@mediacenterman8583]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I can't stand my brother. I finally separated myself from him from moving into a new neighborhood. Guess what? He has now moved across the way from me and has already started pissing in my social pool with tenancy violations that people now blame me for.

[@adrianeclipperton1543]

Love u Auntie TamTam, Thank You for saving my life and others several times over. Yr a living embodiment of Guadalupé

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I am honored. Thank you!😊 Such powerful words. And welcome to the channel. I don't recall seeing your channel name in the comments!

[@doelinelewis491]

WOW will said 👏 there's no state of mind then a piece of mind leave them toxic people behind are you could lose a lot of valuable time guard your heart ♥ and leaving them 💔 is what you have to do to get you back at a great start oh we'll life goes on just be strong and live in your purpose God's Plan

[@1OFMANYLOSTSHEEP]

The rescuers don't help anyone but themselves.

[@randyestes2448]

Thank you Támara... this really helps

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're so welcome!

[@jarvisbarbee2978]

This video gave me some relief finally someone who understands

[@thadshakanthan9072]

I want to get away from them but i am worried my child will be left with no family. They are affectionate towards her. What do I do?

[@ominsharma7834]

Thank you so much.. sending love to you ❤️

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! And thank you. Sending blessings your way.🤗

[@hhuron2553]

what if the family member who betrayed me intentionally is my adult only child? i miss him

[@ROCKNROLLFAN]

Well, family members shouldn't have to live off of family members especially when they are disrespectful and don't want to work.

[@barbaradanielle246]

Yes!

[@blvckgirlmagicc_98sjournal]

For me it’ll only stop when I leave these people behind😭

[@blvckgirlmagicc_98sjournal]

I’m tired 😔 I don’t have the strength!!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry. It is tiring. Identifying toxic and unhealthy family and figuring out now to help yourself is exhausting as well. But it isn't impossible and you may thank yourself later.

[@MrShimekelo]

I had a sister who after she cheated on her boyfriend offered me up as a repentance to her boyfirend when I was still under age. She recently cut me out and told all these lies about me. But for some reason after 28 years I stayed her friend and now I miss her even though she was sexually abusive, emotionally.

[@songswithnocopyright3330]

Excellent thank you so very much this turned on light bulbs for me. 10:03

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you!! And you're welcome.🙂

[@choozychelleigh8965]

You look the same Tamara; I’m watching this 4 years later! You are like me with the jewels Thankyou ❤❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

❤🤗Thanks so much!! hahahaha.

[@PaolaSanchez-kq3lx]

Very helpful information! Thank you!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!

[@skyesage881]

It's so hard to stand to to certain family member's. I guess what keeps me from not walking away is my children.

[@chantelstuiver4620]

❤❤❤ love your videos really has helped me out ,,thought I was going crazy but thanks to your videos I feel I can break free of this awful cycle of abuse thankyou 😊

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you!! I'm so glad these videos have been helpful to you.

[@lisafowler7563]

Its just Not Acceptable

[@Homoclite]

Fantastic Video! I’m shocked that I’m just now seeing it. Initially, I began to take slight issue with “the rescuer” stance you put in the triangulation. However, I listened to the entire video and had to reframe my own experience with this and redefine what I understood a rescuer to be and the role that they serve…regardless to true intentions of trying to do good. My own family is so extremely toxic and foul that I literally had to cut contact with ALL of the ones whom I know personally. My Alabama and California folks are perhaps the absolute WORST!!!! I’m losing zero sleep over cutting these people off. So many dramas and traumas imposed and inflicted on people whom I had NO malicious intentions, however all it took was one or two…actually 3 female cousins full of evil whom were the main culprits of “bringing the funk” that would cause ME to be the most hated person in the family. To ALL of them I salut them with one of these here… 🖕🏽Now I’m singing Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama in My Life” 🎶🤣

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is good! I'm glad you gave it a chance because I think a lot of people would drop out of this conversation because of the typical definition of these roles. However, as you point out, getting knowledge on what these roles actually mean helps you to fully embrace what this idea is trying to say. There is a lot of research on the drama triangle or triangulation that you may find helpful too.

[@Homoclite]

Indeed!! 👍🏽👍🏽💖

[@maribelsuarez-roman4532]

Thank you for the video and sharing your insight. It was very informative and helpful.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful! You're welcome.

[@poojachanana2889]

Could you please suggest a book on emotional development for adults whose growth remained stunted due to trauma?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You might like the book www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=asc_df_0143127748?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80539281984645&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584138858104915&psc=1.

[@joerome1648]

my sister has a 4 yr old boy and being that young lied and said grandpa hit me with a belt, and now my sister is ignoring my mom for last few weeks and its broke my moms heart. she saw him out ln driveway while she was out and she cried when telling me about it cuz she cant see him. not to mention my brother in law feeds hateful things about my family behind our backs and i dont know what i can say to comfort my mom, if anything i can do let me know if i may be able to help

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is terrible Joe. I'm sorry to hear this. A lot of chaos in this situation.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Tamara, this is very good and helpful information

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You are so welcome! And thank you!

[@catherinewacker141]

I thought the abuse would end when my now 23 year old son turned 18...instead it just became more brutally cruel. On August 2, 2021 I was in court having to see that same 23 year old adult son ask to be adopted by his third step Mother. The CRUELTY is absolutely crushing. I told the judge I felt like I was coming to my son's funeral. I have no idea how to grieve this loss. We lost his sister, my first born child to cancer in 2003. She was only 9 and my son five. I divorced their father shortly after. I knew if I didn't get out then, I never would. I had no idea how much he despised me. So crushingly painful.

[@staybalancedn]

Need to review this often. Thank you.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!!

[@pheedo7702]

Thank you. You are beautiful! Love and light ❤️🌟

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you!💖 And you're welcome.

[@libertycan6959]

🙏🏼

[@elizabethseiden9938]

He put my younger brother against me. Also, my sister to betray and control me in a cruel way! I’m half Korean and Polish. He said terrible things about me. He called me the President of North Korea. 🐶🐣❤️🍇🍓🍩🍪🍏💥🐝🐕🍦🎂🍕🍕🐶

[@scotttrujillo1986]

Good evening! This video was really helpful and im dealing with my mom who is bipolar and needs help! Im so tired of dealing with her and I don't know what else to do and ive been dealing with it since i was a kid, i love and pray for her but i need help because im so mentally drained already. This was very good information and thank u 😊

[@leslierichardson637]

I deal with my late mother's family still. she HATED them, her upbringing, and was very vocal about them and the disgusting treatment. Now it's my turn for them to project onto, and the lies and drama are ridiculous! I actually am done, and I'm over defending myself against stuff that has never happened, or to ease their guilty, narc tendencies and conscience.

[@gracemartinez7710]

I'm dealing with a daughter who is 273 pounds I myself had gastric bypass surgery 2003 I use to weight 489 pounds I'm only 5:1ft I've kept my weight loss in line 135 pounds . it's a lifestyle the tool I got saves my life.i use to have full blown diabetes. So my husband has diabetes now. Well I got called a stupid bitch by my daughter and husband yelled at to me to stop picking on her THEY BLAME ME FOR WHAT COOKED MADE THEM FAT....MY HEART IS BROKEN I FEEL VERY BETRAYED BY BOTH HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER WHO IS 28 YEAR OLD .THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS OF STRENGTH AND KINDNESS. NAMASTE

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

Would you stay for your kids? My choice was stay, or leave. If they left with me then how much time would the Courts give him? He would have them unsupervised and I know he’d bring in whatever woman that he could dupe. And if she was an alcoholic too who knows? Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t have any kids.

[@robingreen9227]

I was intentionally betrayed by my mom. It has completely shattered my life and trust. I have people trying to force me to give her access to me again, but I can't although I forgive her.

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

It sounds like others have been there too. Forty years meant nothing except jealousy with all the tricks. The psychopath is a classic; he grew up getting trained. He emotionally abused our kids but he did have cold empathy so it was hard to tell. I got pushed out when he got fat and alcoholic because he needs someone to work at it. When he started paying for it he didn’t need me anymore. The only people I still have are my church friends.

[@blvckgirlmagicc_98sjournal]

This lady came at me about my piercings when I was with my uncle 😔😔and I didn’t do anything to her

[@hhuron2553]

my mother the Master manipulator who plays victim. makes my head spin.

[@arthurbalcita4851]

What should a husband need to do when his toxic sisters called his wife Devil and wished her death by Amelia

[@blvckgirlmagicc_98sjournal]

But what if you’d want to keep quiet and don’t want to be in their space???

[@joannemcmullin2619]

My one sister said she dont want me at house so o said ok the in June of 2022. Ask to come to her son baby shower. Well i went off on her

[@budcat7]

What about when they violate your boundaries and betray you over and over. Yes, they apologize but it's phony, false and they repeat their same behavior again. What then? No contact?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Well...sometimes no contact is the only answer. For others, the answer may be in setting proper boundaries and making your boundaries known. Or it could be having minimal contact with them. Sometimes peace of mind comes with a high price.

[@Dastardly_X]

Bogartish, Hahahahaaaaaa Good one !!!

[@yvonnerossz2160]

God told me to cut them all and it started with my mom my dad sisters and brothers and son and it's been dealing with for such a long time I don't feel bad I got to do what I got to do to be happy

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

When God speaks we better listen. That internal "nudging" from Him to change our lives, move on, back up, pump those breaks, etc. is a blessing.

[@johnparitsky1130]

My father is a drunk gambler who left when I was 17, my mom is a major hoarder and makes weird decisions, my brother is a 43yr old introvert who can't take care of himself at all and just play games and I have a cousin who doesn't want to work but drink and do drugs.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry John. That's never easy to deal with. It's traumatizing to say the least.

[@FHSBlackSwarm]

You hit the nail on each point

[@bartdoo5757]

I always enjoy watching you......I mean your videos!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I appreciate that! LOL