If You Hear THIS From Your Long-Distance Partner... RUN!

[@janelles4224]

I drove an extra 35 minutes after driving for 12 hours and had to see my man, also traveled in bad weather...he says, he would never do that. He wouldn't drive extra just to get an hour of my presence after not seeing me for days. I ignored this red flag...one of many... lesson learned

[@Portia620]

That is the flag pole falling on you lady!!! Run!

[@Portia620]

Rule number one! They come to you! We are the hunter not other way around!

[@Strawberriezrule13]

A word of advice, if ur receptive to hearing it: don't drive to see a man. Let him invest his time, resources, and energy into visiting you. I was in a LDR for ~3 months & lived a 10-hour drive away. He didn't have a car, and I wasn't about to drive all day to visit. So what happened? He booked a flight to come visit me, bc there was no other way we would see each other. A man who wants to see you, WILL find a way to make that happen; he won't make that your responsibility/problem

[@keksitzee1094]

Good on you. Some people simply don't see eye to eye with you and you should not bend backwards just to see them or hope that things will change. Whatever they say about themselves or their world views, believe them that they mean it. Hope you'll find a good partner after that experience

[@kamarienedwards1757]

As a man I politely disagree with the other ladies/gentlemen in the comments. It goes both ways, as long as both partners make the time and effort. It’s not just a man’s job to do this it’s a relationship it’s both of you guys…

[@krishna335]

Vibe and instinct don't lie. If something feels off, it probably is.

[@abc6288]

111 likes on your comments. The universe is agree and confirmed that.

[@sheezy2526]

Nope, those are just biases.

[@krishna335]

@@sheezy2526, sure, to each their own.

[@jadegreen1554]

@@sheezy2526biases are in your mind, reasoning. Gut instinct is a deeper sensation that you FEEL in your gut.

[@aim4grace97]

100%

[@RR66125]

After meeting over the phone through work, then in person three months later, my husband and I maintained a long distance relationship for just shy of four months. He came to meet me then I flew to see him five times before I relocated to his city. We got married a year after we first started talking. We were very happy together for 25 years. I have been a widow since 2020.

[@lonewolfheart1697]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really wonderful to hear how your long-distance relationship turned into 25 happy years together. Much love to you ❤

[@RR66125]

@@lonewolfheart1697 Thank you.

[@Portia620]

My condolences and sorry for your loss.

[@killeanmcchesney5138]

I’m sorry for your loss, at least you had 25 good years with him. Most people can’t find someone to be around with for more than 5-8 years max because people are so selfish anymore. You found someone completely worthwhile, I’m happy that you did. Still sorry you didn’t get more time with him, that’s unfortunate

[@michaelseeley6546]

Sorry to hear about your loss! 25 years together!

[@mialavendertarot4051]

When one door is closed possibly a bigger window is opened. Trust the process ❤

[@emilyn7572]

For sure a BETTER one

[@mariamargut7063]

Thanks

[@searching1029]

Trust the process! 🙌🏼

[@Portia620]

😂😂 why would we get mad? 😂😂. Find the window and climb! 😂😂❤❤. Let the dating begin! I don’t wait for people as I’m too old and I’m looking for classy. I need to approve the app! Lol

[@SacredDreamer]

The Window of Opportunity

[@kauigirl808]

LDR only works if you have the same goals.

[@diandrawright9357]

That’s any relationship, if it doesn’t aligned you can’t force it to work

[@kauigirl808]

@diandrawright9357 Some people just date and see where the relationship goes. Not everyone talks about goals. Especially the young ones. It can work out in the end. But if you're a million miles away, you seriously need to be on the same page from the get go. I don't even remember anything from this video 😂😂

[@aras.relationship.support]

I think so too, if you want to last longer

[@kiddwangg1079]

Yep, it's long distance. Having no goal leads to problems. Like having no schedule

[@anz2441]

those goals need to met tho, not just imagined...especially being together for good

[@maria.mobile017]

OMG. Light bulb moment. Confusion is keeping you in the game and it is you not willing to admit that he makes you feel sad and disappointed. Well that sucks. But it's true 😂

[@luckywright7285]

It hurt so bad to hear him say that 😭 buuuut, it's definitely true and advice I needed to hear 😐😅

[@MalenaOlmedo]

So true, as soon as I asked if he felt something more for me he said "I know you've been wanting more but I just can't see myself changing my whole life for you" it was brutal but it hit me different, I was disappointed more than heart broken. I guess I'm learning to see things for what they are now. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

yup they keep it vague, confused, etc in order to keep you around. because at the end if the day he may be mr perfect but 10% of a perfect 10 is just a 1 on the scale. the most amazing person in the world lowers his value immediately if he's only giving part of himself. maybe you're just a 3 but that's still more than a quarter of someone perfect.

[@taratwin4874]

Right? A gem piece

[@julz7753]

just happened to me

[@Mali8029]

TLDW: If you feel confused in a relationship it is likely you are getting gaslighted, make sure things are clear and benefit both the parties and if they refuse to then go your separate paths.

[@katherinefoster5659]

Thank you, my ldr confused me a lot with the simple question I ask. Then he get mad at me when I ask him like I ask him why he is hot and cold, why one day he act so detached. I ask him why everytime I ask him I will come and visit him he always avoid that and he always avoid to reply my question like what do you want from me.

[@10J045]

@@katherinefoster5659did you get any answers or clarity now? for me I feel almost the same but as though there is a misunderstanding I am not sure how to clear up, and I can feel both of us sort of pull away now so looking to others in similar situations!😁

[@Mmm-nj5dk]

My LDR is been going on for almost a year, we met once............and he would just not answer my simple questions........never confronted/did hard talks about feelings, relationships, expectations, and the future of our situation. I got "asked out to date" while I was frustrated and trying to have a conversation about our future........it felt like a shut-up! So confusing.........

[@Elizabeth-gy8ou]

Some people don’t even give confusing awnsers. They lie! Be aware of red flags.

[@coach_amy]

Confusion is the first sign to walk away. It seems so obvious, but it being so familiar in family-of-origin, mixed with seeing someone's potential, I really duped myself. It won't happen again. Secondly, no one is worth a long-distance relationship for me. A relationship, to me, is being together, getting input from each other in day-to-day life, and learning/growing together in the context of actually functioning in life, etc.

[@leenbee17]

Yes!

[@ChelseaSaidTV]

Yes this omg 😊

[@selam-r6y]

I'm confused coz even after marriage he's going to come after 3 and 4month but in a day we make 1hour or30min phone call in a day I need more lovely time I hate imagine single mom life

[@ahousat]

I always say, "Truth is a feeling and energy never lies"

[@jackdeniston6150]

and you are always wrong

[@junkaccount2535]

That’s the exact opposite 🤦‍♂️energy is just a way to outsource your feelings to an external stimuli

[@killeanmcchesney5138]

Sure, if you live like every decision is a coin toss.

[@Dalenaxx3]

Wise words!

[@sherinakapany]

So true

[@Starmajor391]

When Mathew Hussey says “confusion keeps us in the game… [and] that avoiders thrive on creating confusion,” I related to this. I dated a guy who talked to me everyday and suddenly with avoidant on me. He continued to like my social media stories and send me memes. No direct communication. I knew what was happening with the confusion. To diffuse it, I deactivated all my social media and deleted the apps. Best quick actions ever because power is coming back to me! 🤣 this guy knew wtf he was doing lmfaooo

[@fernandamaurer1696]

It took me a 15 hour flight to be confronted to that truth, lesson learned! Long distance relationships are quite handy to avoindants!

[@Portia620]

Truths but make sure soon they are commited. It does work for some people.

[@williewonka6694]

As an avoidant, I agree whole heartedly. I want to belong to someone, and that is just enough for me.

[@a.bertasso1298]

I cannot believe that I am not the only one who can say that. I am embarrassed to say that I have been there. I am just a little less embarrassed now...thank you.

[@starchoo4616]

My girlfriends in LDR for 2.6 years different country now both marride move to the same country , it work if both patient, honest and patience have same goal direction

[@Portia620]

Depends on person too. Classy peolle as very shallow self absorbed or toxic ones will cheat

[@Portia620]

Rare is what I mean that is why a time limit needs to be put on realionships

[@NaeK188]

Matthew!! I needed this video 3 months ago! 😂 this described ME. I had a scarcity mindset, was the only one pursuing a man in Texas (I’m in Australia) and he kept me in confusion. When we would argue, and I sought reassurance by asking “do you love me?” He responded “I can’t answer that right now” and would withhold affection. When I was 100% lovely and no needs to ask and no emotions, he’d shower we with affection and love and reassurance…he wanted to get married, move closer (but never made proper plans for that and would blame me for his inaction). I was SO confused, and he called me psychotic and unstable, and a narcissist!! 🤯 for asking him to show effort and getting upset, showing emotions… etc… man, it was crazy. I’m so glad that’s done. Would love more videos on LDRs.

[@YanaWanderlust.]

You did everything okay. God bless you. Stay strong. He seems like a narcissist and player to me. Were you videocalling at all?

[@Portia620]

Must be my ex he is a narc and in Texas now. Lol.

[@killeanmcchesney5138]

I always wanted a good reason to move to Australia, he was a lucky man to have the opportunity and a fool for wasting it. Don’t worry I’m sure you’ll find someone more committed with less disappointing characteristics.

[@Calamity_Leo]

​@@Portia620 all men from Texas are not bad, im from Texas

[@TrulyMademoizelle]

My sweetheart is in Texas and I'm in NYC 😢

[@yunalee13]

6 years long distance relationship... I just wasted 6 years! I was actually alone but I couldn't see it. As soon as I stopped it, I met 2 amazing met who want a real relationship. And I realize that all these six years I ignored many men who wanted a real relationship... I regret it. I was a stupid person.

[@Portia620]

Marriage to a NPD is similar! Alone

[@Starmajor391]

I am so sorry to see you say it this way. Please have patience and kindness for yourself. Sending lots of healing your way.

[@Thesakuraharona]

7 years here. You are not alone

[@Zhello79]

I know someone who is in one for 4 years and she kept the ldr a secret to most people even friends. There is a guy who goes to the same church as her who has been friends with this girl for sometime and wants to date her and when he hinted interest she told me, "if things don't work out she would let him know", especially telling the guy no. She is unsure if she wants to breakup the ldr and at the same time doesn't want to while her ldr isn't keep promises. Mind you the guy at her church who she has known for a long time, prior she was always asking if he had a gf, but at the time he wasn't ready, and now when he is, she has an ldr that isn't keeping promises. Even her family sees that.

[@sarahbala7a]

U r not alone 😢

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

I had a long distance relationship with a narcissist and lemme tell you that they’re good at making you think they think exactly like you and want the same things. Then they find something else to do and throw you away. I suppose that what they want is just the experience of a long distance relationship, just to say “look what I’m able to accomplish” Anyway, it hurts like crazy to suddenly receive completely different replies, like all of a sudden “yes I want the relationship but I don’t have time to focus on it” and NEVER have a serious conversation about breaking up, so the torture goes on and on because they give you nothing and then mixed signals, and they also don’t take responsibility and break up with you, no, they keep you there and it’s like they expect you to break up cause they don’t want any responsibility

[@magdalenamaria128]

Wow what a growth you went through! You specifically named the stages of the confusion and sick tricks. I leaves me a lesson to learn how to stay healthy, thank you! Hope you are good and happy.

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

@@magdalenamaria128 they’re hard to navigate, especially if you trust that person. When these people make you trust them and then start treating you like trash you’re really confused about what’s going on and why. Sadly no, I’m not good, even if it’s been some years after our breakup. I know it may be useless but I tried to talk to him about what happened and other things but he told other lies and so on. It’s hard with these people. And now it’s hard for me to trust men 😂

[@magdalenamaria128]

@@ChocoParfaitFra it's EXTREMELY hard. I also got out of this kinda relationship. He was not even a boyfriend but a very close friend who wanted to take advantage of my skills and business experience. He kept confusing me saying: I really want to work on us but I don't have time, will you be okay with it?" His voice was changing when I was catching him on lies. True sociopath. What I recommend...is to yell get the fu@@ away. It helped me a lot. A LOT. Still I have problems trusting people but well the worst is behind. I'm sorry to hear about your confusion I hope deep inside your intuition speaks and gives you a right direction.

[@Portia620]

Spinning plates concept. If you’re that upset then have multiple realionships at a time so you don’t get too attached. Be very careful how much you invest emotionally in a person until they show you a commitment! In long distance that is coming to see you but way more that that!

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

@@Portia620 what’s the point in suggesting this now. When you have your first relationship you don’t know how to do things. No point in saying “you should have” and other things

[@redlabel6632]

Great advice! My long-distance partner gives me joy, reassurance, and love. When we are together (which is not often, sadly), I feel like I am the most loved I've ever been. He's never wavered on us being together full time in the future either... it just takes time. Long distance relationships are certainly possible for the right people😊

[@christinaanabellay2618]

sameee❤️

[@william6587]

Im in one too. I wish you both the best 💪

[@snehaloni9556]

I have a question, if one is in a long distance relationship and we’re 8hours drive far and iam someone who believes in traditional relationships and want the guy to take the financial responsibility then, when we want to meet and he wants me to come to the place he stays , is it wrong to expect him to book the tickets for me??

[@redlabel6632]

@snehaloni9556 I guess it depends on what you have both discussed. Communication is critical in LD relationships. I never assume he should just know what I want/ need, etc. For us, I fly to him and he pays for literally everything else while we're together. He can't come visit me due to work so this is what works for us, for now. We continue to evolve what it looks like, but the future plans are a constant. This is 2.5 yrs in, mind you.

[@snehaloni9556]

@@redlabel6632 but is it wrong to ask or state that this is what I want, I mean does my expectation come out as someone who doesn’t want to spend money Or is it normal and okay to expect and ask for that

[@sleepymushroom844]

Matt's advice here also applies to non-LDRs. Stay vigilant!

[@MerceditaMallari535]

Ldr works when you both the same goals ❤ and both working for it

[@YanaWanderlust.]

I am russian, he is british and we are in LDR for 3,5 years and met in real only once. He always says "I do not see you in a long-term relationship" 😅 he does not want to meet up more often or propose me or whatever. I decided to call it quit finally.

[@helen.kyuneberg]

he doesn’t want cause you’re a russian💀

[@melanalyvka6109]

Feeling with you... Ohhh, those European men shouting from their windows how you as a Slavic woman abroad cannot do anything on your own. Either you need his money or his citizenship or documents or shelter or whatever... Always a similar story. But in the long run... Whose fears are there as well? I send you a peace message to Easter time ❤, I am from Ukraine. Nice to meet you. M.

[@YanaWanderlust.]

@@melanalyvka6109hello Melana and nice to meet you here ❤ Have you had long-term relationship yourself? For me it's a painful story. We met in russia just before the war and since then he always says "we will meet again", but it's never happens. Also he said "you may come to the UK to see me if you have money". Like really😂 it's impossible for me! Sending you love from russia and let's pray for peace for our countries 🙏

[@bigsky8746]

Sending our prayers of peace to both of your countries from Japan! By the way, I had a long distance relationship with German and American men about 25 years ago, and didn't work out😢 Now I am married for more than 20 years, and I wish your happiness❤

[@melanalyvka6109]

In the long run it should be not about cultures, but about people... I was shallow here maybe. Sometimes stereotypes help, but another time they can be too much. Thanks for your prayers.

[@maewilson3311]

I’ve been talking with a boy from another country for 6 years, then we had a 3 year relationship online, and now we are finally living together for 5 months so far 😊❤️ he’s a sweet and mature guy. So worth waiting for!

[@RedRumble14]

maybe it’s a honeymoon stage?

[@Mmm-nj5dk]

People tell this type of stories to justify that what I am going through is the same as theirs but it's not........this is so stressful and bland................he would not even talk about his feelings for me....but conveniently asked if we should date while I am frustrated to shut the things down, only to go back to his regular self of being incognito until I call him....... it's not the same............

[@maewilson3311]

@@Mmm-nj5dk oh it doesn’t sound the same as me 😞 while my boyfriend isn’t good at communicating, he expresses his feelings for me. He knows what he wants. In fact, we will get married in a couple months so I can continue living in his country with him. You need a person who knows what they want too! Your person sounds a bit like a friend of mine that I recently cut ties with. What you explained just now sounds the same as what she would do to many guys she dated. I became friends with one of them, and he explained to me what she kept doing. Recently she turned her back on me and started treating me the exact same way. I also tried a relationship with a coworker a few years ago. I really liked him. But he didn’t know what he wanted! In the end I’m very glad it didn’t work with him, because the boyfriend I have now is a much better person for me. I know it’s so hard to let go, but if you have a feeling in your gut that you’re ignoring..please listen to it and do what’s best for you. I hope you find a person that your heart can be at ease with!

[@basshunter9018]

hes most probably got somebody else closer to home. he's just keeping this long distance woman on the backburner - giving the absolute basics

[@Portia620]

Happens often

[@meetandinspire]

"It's not about confrontation; it's about taking your power back and to take your power back you need to start by owning your needs and what you want." "When someone gives you confusing answers, that's a form of misdirection that's designed to take you away from the very simple truth of this situation."

[@sassysasser6220]

EXTREMELY explicit and useful advice that helps to pinpoint the root of a situation, because in tbe end, we can never control another's behavior only our reaction or response.

[@anjijack5392]

💯🎯💯🎯

[@smith899]

Here is what you need to hear, ladies. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting commitment and marriage! But there is noting wrong with not wanting it either. No one is “wrong” in their desires. But STOP trying to change the other person’s desires!

[@rivka8576]

Confusion is a reason to *run* regardless of the kind of the relationship

[@igorthelight]

100% true! Confusion means that you are not in control in what is happening right now ;-)

[@aidanjack3094]

If you don’t believe you’re bring treated right you probably aren’t. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you’re just overthinking it. And if you feel like you can’t communicate this and when you do they ignore it you need to leave them. Someone who doesn’t work to make you feel secure and someone who doesn’t care about how you feel should never have any right to your heart. I will never give my heart to someone that’s confused about me. Never again. The hot and cold and all of that it killed my heart for 6 months I agonized over everything and in the end she went back to another guy. I’ve learned my lesson.

[@MARIAM_M_AYOUB]

Also, it would be important for both to come to an agreement with the goal of eventually moving closer to each other and/or living together once the relationship solidifies. A long-distance relationship is circumstantial; it's not designed to remain that way for the long run, in my perspective. I've been in a long-distance relationship for a few months. I tried my best, but it didn't work out for all the reasons you stated, among a few others. Awesome video! Thank you for sharing such profound wisdom!🙏🏻❤️✨

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

My ex did say he hoped to live together one day, but he has always wanted to move for HIS reasons, and not closer to me. Then he decided to actually move and he put me aside, even before moving, he was mean and disappeared often, I still don’t understand why he didn’t just break up with me. He tortured me for 5 months before I insisted in breaking up. He also has narcissistic traits. I’ve never felt more confused in my entire life, and now thanks to him and his play I can’t trust men anymore

[@Portia620]

This!!! Goals and a plan! Dont get close until this happens!

[@Portia620]

@@ChocoParfaitFradon’t allow anyone to do you that way. You should have walked out like he did!

[@kittycasino29]

The truth hurts yet it sets you free.

[@MirandaVlogs1]

I’ll watch it over and over again until I define my feelings about being avoidant and having my needs met!

[@CancerSoothe]

I could have saved wasting valuable years of my life if I heard this sooner. Thanks for the work you do Matthew❤

[@jyloreki3026]

The more I watch relationship advice videos, the more ways I see how I am the problem. To me I’m being passive because I’m insecurities are making me question my worth. But, it looks like I’m being nonchalant and rather manipulative because this morning I wanted you all to myself, now I just want you to go and enjoy yourself because I feel like I’m draining myself this evening.

[@Akothar]

10 years on my side. I don't regret it, it was a tough experience that made me the man I am today. After 1 year I've finally healed myself and I am ready to step up, to value myself and to never abandon myself again. Life is beautiful once you realise your worth.

[@sebnemnisanci]

Long distance relationships are just like flying a jet. You take your place at the beginning of the runway, and you slowly accelerate. When you are fast enough you wanna take off, but if your co-pilot is not responding, not doing what he has to do, you cannot really take off so you keep accelerating but it's getting stressful because you'll eventually run out of runway and crash. So you either have to take off or abort the flight. So you ask your co-pilot; What are we? Are we taking off, are we gonna fly or no? When there's no clear answer, and action, unfortunately you have to abort. Cancel. Hit the brakes. If you continue you crash and your heart shatters.

[@melissas.v6494]

This is brilliant!!

[@missmadelinesadventures3278]

I've been talking to someone for over 7 years. We are not dating. I couldn't do long distance. But we keep in contact like best friends. He always wants to face time, talk on the phone. He sends video and audio messages constantly. He's asked me numerous times to meet. If he wants you he will always let you know. And be ready to take another step.

[@LeNoir2411]

Same hereee we have similar story TvT but this year i decided to take the step further and tell him that i can see him in my future, and he feels the same.. so after 7 years, we didn't declare anything but rn we're basically a couple ,and he's giving a bunch of hints about marriage.. i hope his feelings for you is strong and both of you can thread something more wonderful in the future, all the best!❤

[@missmadelinesadventures3278]

@@LeNoir2411 oh no. I'm not interested in him romantically. We live too far apart. I don't want to go down that road. Long distance is a conscious choice to either move fast or way too slow, in order to be real time. My point was; even with no prompting. This man told me he would want to get to know me. Instead I'm rekindling an old flame I ran away from 10 years ago. I wasn't ready for him back then. I needed to fix my mind first so I can give him my heart. Slowly we are reconnecting in every way. 🥰

[@swathigudapati5833]

I would say this phenomenon of giving confusing answers to simple questions to mislead someone is not only the case in LDR but just in general sth you should look out for when dating. Now I have much more clarity about this. Thanks Matt!

[@sylviefrancis331]

I'm in Vancouver, him in LA. When he came to see me, 5 days was always the max amount *cuz he had to move his cars* (street parking). He didn't want to move to Vancouver (too cold) nor wanted me to move to LA (too hot). His compromise... move to Seattle. Only he didn't want to get rid of his LA place. "Nah. Why get rid of it? It'll be my man cave" 2 states over?!? Just 2 of the many reasons why I said goodbye. Took 5½ years. Kinda embarrassed it took that long. Lesson learned! Stay safe & happy, all you beautifuls💕

[@VivienReacts]

LDR is sooo difficult but for the right person, I'm willing to fight, as long as we have the same goal and agree to close the distance asap...

[@LunaC101]

I don’t know if i could handle someone in my face 24/7 which is why i choose a long distance for now. I’m hugely independent and an introverted infj, he is also independent and not hugely social. Also we are exclusive and there is trust. It’s difficult to put into words but it’s an instinct that we’re supposed to be together and despite some conflict we’ve actually grown stronger ❤

[@goldenhime8404]

Currently in LDR. We are only 1000 km apart. We were friends for 2 years, we were/are in same group where we chat and play games together (games are my hobby for 20 years now, played it since little age). It's only 2 months of this, but I really think that he is MY person and I am really happy. I am planning to see him this summer and then also.

[@naomi9413]

good luck!!

[@MalenaOlmedo]

Well, if I can say something from experience is that LDR doesn't work if the other person don't see you as someone they can make a life with, even if they like you and feel attracted to you. I feel like keeping you holding on an idea and at the end was just convenient to the other person it's a way of misleading and you gotta be strong enough to walk away and find someone closer that would give you the love you deserve. I recently had that realization and it's hard to trust again but eventually I know I'll get to the point where I can open up about what I want and how I'm going to reciprocate as well 💖

[@aras.relationship.support]

Thanks for sharing this!

[@instagamrr]

Yep, just got out of an LDR with an avoidant. In three months, we saw each other for 1 hour. 1 hour! And this was a wealthy man who could afford to fly me out on a whim whenever he wanted. I hated it. Please for the love of god people, don’t do it. I’m so glad to hear Matthew talking about this

[@JoyHarrison]

I had a similar experience in the past. Never again have I ever allowed such a situation to happen to me.

[@imustbreakyou2170]

You can't control what the heart wants

[@chalize1]

This video is bang on. Having experienced this last week after going on a long distance date, the experience in person vs. the person from a distance has been a massive source of confusion... UNTIL I wrote it all down and analysed what was going on!! Now I have zero anxiety about whats happening or what to do next. A few lessons: 1. The MOST dangerous emotionally unavailable partners are the ones who FEED you all the signals of emotional connection and treat you with extreme generorsity and kindness. Don't waste time looking for insight in the good behaviour - you have to look for INCONSISTENCIES, particularly alignment of words to action; 2. Write out every source of dissonance that you're feeling. Focus on what makes you feel bad and confused, not all the heady good stuff. What are the patterns? Why don't you like it? What do you need? What course of action do you take when your need is not met (aka your boundaries). Writing will bring so much more clarity than trying to analyse it in your head; 3. If you need clear direction and they are not forthcoming, don't let them waste YOUR TIME by feeling like you have to ask for permission or do things on their timeline - take back control and assert what you want and need. Send them what you want and need, where the gaps are in what you have, and what you will do if they can't meet you where you are; 4. Do steps 1-3 from day 1! And especially as soon as you experience any kind of doubt or ick feeling. If you're unlucky enough to land a narc, they move super fast. Don't wait until you're emotionally invested as you will only become even more confused by the polarised behaviour! If I'd known and applied this a decade ago, I would have saved years that I invested in a dud relationship with a narc. At least now I know, and boy: when you see things playing out in this way it completely changes the game and puts you back in the driving seat. Take the goodies and then get out! Dont waste your precious time on these men masquerading as something they are not. You deserve better.

[@lestermatos2989]

I am doing this today with my ex who now I am In an LDR and feel no commitment or real sense of importance or urgency to make it work.

[@anaalejandrasalas8314]

I almost faint when I answer hurtful and that was the answer. Unfortunately, that's how I felt in long distance relationships

[@bhughes2017]

I just want to be in his arms again.

[@MochiColorsZanos]

I never thought i would be that person in a ldr and now i am, have been for more than 2 years now. I lived in Turkey with him for about 6 months and travel every 3 months to be together. We have a fiancé visa for him to come here hopefully in the next several months or year. If he doesn't end up liking it here, we'll probably have to end up moving back to Turkey. Unlike most of these comments that have had unfortunate things happen, doesn't happen to us as i made my standards very clear from the beginning of the relationship. We video call several times a day every single day and we always answer the phone when the other one calls.

[@nakrami01]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. We finally closed the distance 2 weeks ago after almost 3 years as he got a work Visa here in Austria. Before that we saw each other every 3 months. I am sure everything will work out for you 🙏❤️

[@MochiColorsZanos]

@nadinekr010 Thank you. Congrats on your hubby finally getting to always be by your side now! 💕

[@camellia8625]

As an autistic woman my home is my sanctuary and I love having my own space so find the concept of a LDR to be very appealing as I would ideally like a living together apart style relationship. That said I was in an on off LDR for 13 years which got increasingly frustrating even for me as a situation developed whereby my long distance then beau proposed marriage as a metaphorical carrot to encourage my continued investment- not least the effort and expense with travel. I believed him (working out people’s intentions is very difficult for me as an autistic person) but after 4 years of being engaged with no wedding date in sight, not having been introduced to some key people in his life etc etc it became increasingly obvious that he had no intention of following through. After the breakup I most insultingly was offered a FWB arrangement which I without hesitation turned down. I think LDRs need to have a definite time limit by which they need to result in either a serious committed relationship or end.

[@NoName-ph5pg]

I am right now suffering from deliberate withdrawal from such relationship. We were planning to meet in a few months for the 1st time... I told him my vacation dates and wanted to know if he can make it. He promised to do his best, but tell me later if his schedule will allow. I got mad a few days ago thinking that he was being evasive and I actually do not fit into his life. That is true - this inadequate reaction of mine comes from unsecurity and anxiety and not being able to see him when I need him most. I can't date others because my all thoughts are with him. Abd there's a worse fear: that interest fades over time. Just imagine they were in love with you fisrt, but then the desire faded and they unloved you without even seeing you for real enough. Worst heartbreak.

[@Portia620]

Agreed a plan and if it doesn’t happen you leave and any realtionship should have that as time is precious!!!

[@SnowofLight]

You know when you're into someone when you don't mind having them in your home. If you still find yourself wanting space, you really don't like him like that. So you'll probably get over him easier than you think.

[@arklyn]

An apartnership is a fairly common type of relationship for Autistics. We are creatures of habit, routines, and we need our space. I've heard that some neurodivergent couples have separate houses but spend frequent and regular time together. If not separate houses, we at least need space and time for our individual projects and interests. But that doesn't prevent having a very passionate relationship..even LDR. The downside is we both have Rejection Sensitive Disphoria and fear of abandonment. It takes a lot of love, patience, understanding and trust. But it can work.

[@arklyn]

​@@SnowofLightIf you are not autistic, you wouldn't understand that we have different ways to handle a relationship. Our brains are wired differently and our thought processes are different.

[@terris7842]

Thank you. This could have been about me. Told him I deserved at least a real time conversation, not a text message “it’s me not you”. He wanted to go from a close bond/connection to “Xmas card friends” in the space of a week. No thanks. I told him goodbye. Starting to think that between the narcissistic types and the avoidants/emotionally unavailable men, there are no decent ones left for women like me. 😢

[@YvetteArby]

@terris7842 I thought the same thing: that there are no men out there for me. I reflected on what went wrong with past relationships and worked on myself. After years of this, I unexpectedly met a wonderful man who is not only everything I wanted, but even more! We are in a LDR and I am working on going to see him. Keep up the faith! Believe in yourself and don’t “settle” for less than you deserve! My best wishes to you, dear! ✌🏼💖

[@Portia620]

True. I say try women. 😂😂

[@findekano1981]

I was in long distance relationship She broke with me due to various reasons (my lacking of self love was one) Honwewer she told me that she wanted to remain friends, only for her to kind of disappear due to various personal things. At frist I chased her but, then I understood, thank to one of your videos, that I dydnr mattered if she didn't found time for me, and in this new ligth I let her go. After the break up, in the period I started to think about our story in a more realistic ligth, I noticed a thing : we had very few calls. Don't me get wrong It was fine, since we chatted every day, the problem was I felt her distant. In this ligth I understood this If she wouldn't have left me then, I would left her because I didn't feel her enough. It is sad to say and maybe I'm childish, but I don't think things cab work if you don't create time for others.

[@ciprianvalparaiso]

Nobody is busier than a person not interested in you

[@jhsemoxitha3821]

So true. It can't work without giving enough time and effort for each other

[@ciprianvalparaiso]

@@jhsemoxitha3821 i think it s more like not working because it s not supposed to

[@YvetteArby]

@findekano1981 You are not childish for wanting someone to make time for you! Someone who truly loves you will want to spend time with you and will make you a priority in their life. ✌🏼💖

[@ciprianvalparaiso]

@@YvetteArby of course not, but it is in the how we process the reality. Also patterns and stuff to mend

[@MaiL-tg6yw]

Long-distance relationship: never again.

[@indigowanderer1105]

💯

[@cheeryypop2045]

I'm in ldr and soon we will move in together ❤ it's very tough but it feels like heaven together soon no longer ldr for us ❤

[@bradleybernier7526]

Agree. 6 years. With no long term goals. She doesn't come out to me but once a year. I'm wasting time and spinning my wheels

[@bracie880]

I've said the same thing 2 years ago. Then I met a person in my town. Turned out he wasn't living here... So now here I am. Again. It's terrible, but he's worth it... P.s. I've seen my ex ldr partner only one time in 4 years, the plane ticket was a birthday present from my mom. He never tried to visit me himself. The current one is visiting me for a few weeks almost every season, so it's not THAT terrible, but still is

[@l.u.i.s.g.u.s]

Fr

[@lisamatthews3764]

Thank you Matthew! I thought I was in a great relationship. I live in US and he is from UK. His company sent him back to UK. After a few weeks of him being back in EU he started ghosting me. I was confused - but I am so over this situation being hurt. I will need to find my own closure.

[@rikkea1829]

I waited for you to mention avoidens. This is exactly why I was in a long distance relationship

[@adventurecapital4825]

I met mine in person after traveling abroad and we spent time together person. We got to know each other more as we stayed in touch online and they were very attentive. So I've been back their several times and we've spent a lot of time together every time I go. And after my visit we plan a new one in a few months. Until they can come move where I live, which they are in the process of applying for the paperwork, then we are like this. I would say if a person doesnt make plans and isn't clear, it would just not be a relationship because the onlybreason I feel long distance is ok is because you are waiting to close the distance soon. Because real life is the goal.

[@leenbee17]

I've just ended a three-year long distance relationship because of this. I wish I had heard this sooner but I probably wouldn't have been ready for it. For me, it was the promise of 'one day we'll get together' but no effort made to make this happen.

[@seemarajput5213]

I have been in a LDR for 4 years, he recently broke up with me 1 month before by saying LDR has taken it toll on him, also he has started having crush on his office mate. So it would be better if we find someone from our own place. This all started when I asked him where are we heading after this 4 years, coz i wanted to settle down and told him Im ready to marry him, then he said he is not sure about me. And in the end just broke up. Now I'm in wfh situation and an introvert which is why its getting so difficult for me to cope up with this breakup stuff, I was habitual of his messages, day and night which is all gone. I feel this void in my life

[@NoName-ph5pg]

I am with you here. Going through same void phase. It will pass but it is extremely hard to start seeing other people when you invested so much soul in a distant person. Make those baby steps though . I remember going on a fisrt date after a nightmare break up, and it felt like i was completely seeing through the guy. The second guy was also invisible. Only the third one saved me, i was lucky. He gave me some really good sex and brutal courting. But it was real. And it saved me.

[@user-q992]

Just understand how lucky you are, to have escaped men like that. Settle down and build your identity and self respect. In future also, don't be too compromising. Stick to what you want and believe your instincts. Good luck🍀

[@Pollie410]

I wished I had had this advice 3- 5 years ago - thank you Matthew ! I went from one LDR where it turned out he had a double life (Portugal ) - to another closer in Uk but still distant - both men had different reasons but it’s all so clear the way you explain it .. valuable advice ❤

[@divishakhaturia4665]

Wish I had come across this video sooner. Would have saved myself from all the hurt and pain it caused.

[@MayuriPatel-iw5xo]

Could it be any relationship sucks if there is not exclusivity or flakey commitment?

[@smileeveryday421]

I've just given up trying for love. Yea, sure, I feel hope in my soul, but all the complications, and confusion, now sounds exhausting!

[@ZikoMario]

I am currently dating long distance, this video and comments on it raised my anxiety about it, which was almost non-existant.

[@wendycondorramirez7527]

I found you by chance on here. I am alone in London and I just broke a LDR. IT is so tough to me and it was . I could deal with all the consequences of this anxiety, jelousy, sadness, trips....my life is so busy in here and he Does not understand and spoke to me badly, often little arguments, ...i just need a hug....ann thank you for your videos. This is the best hug at this stage of the process. 😢😢😢

[@mzstibbz1]

I gave 15 years. We sent each other 4 times totalled 3 months. I was focused on my school and career he made a family. Told me about 1st child 4 years into us dating. The 2nd child he never mentioned. Same baby mother. Lived with her lied to me he had an apartment. He was my first love , took my maiden and turn me into an ass that believed him. I've since freed myself. But I can't get the time back. Be kind and be careful people

[@LesleyGoward]

I'm still with the person I had an LDR with for almost 2 years and can say NEVER AGAIN. Even though he was def worth it and we now live together. I just don't think I'll be able to handle it again for more than 6 months. It was very hard on us both bc we lived on two different continents, 6h difference and we didn't know when we will see each other again.

[@LesleyGoward]

If I had to choose now, I would choose dating someone who at least lives on the same continent and we can comfortably see each other every couple weeks.

[@laurea756]

​@@LesleyGowardsame😢.

[@thegirlwithherrecorder76]

Every bit in this video makes sense to me. I feel absolutely awful discovering the truth and still ignoring it 😢

[@bettiebxox]

He says he loves me & wants to be with me but needs to save up money. I told him I’d pay for his flight to me. He can live with me. He can get a better paying job here & we can actually be together. But he got angry with me & says this is too much for him & he’s dealing with a lot but he loves me… im exhausted!!!

[@ashleymartz6066]

Ever thought that someone does a long distance relationship just to cheat? If so, this answers alot of questions about why they do it. Want to keep what they have, but look for something that may or may not become anything. (Just thinking)

[@thejessifar4619]

Did anyone else chuckle at the rabbit bit? 😂

[@prestow]

Only long distance that works is if they've been married for 10 years and he's on another city on a new job preparing everything for her to come over.

[@tallspicy]

Firstly, woman need to stop using the word confront unless cheating is involved. If someone has a history of LDRs, they are most likely pretty avoidant dismissive. Remember, you are not in a real relationship until you don't clean up when they come over. And a man's words and actions should match, if they don't believe the less committed.

[@gene3636]

I just relabeled my connection as a friendship after a 5 year connection with a man who not only ghost me but returned and pushed family crises in front of him ...get this I never met family( they mostly dying now) and any activities planned has been greeted with disappointment acceptance...we are now friends...no sex, no connection, no romance I am good...he can leave and thanks for the above information you gave in this presentation...it made me know he should have been at the door a long time ago

[@Thehidingmom]

If they won't acknowledge you publicly like social media, Red flag

[@SisuTheShattered]

nah, social media is an even bigger red flag, I don't want my shit being put out on the internet and weaponized against me. I choose the tree

[@jialovesmochi]

He literally removed my initial from his bio and never told me

[@AkindeleNinilola]

My birthday was last month and he refused to post me because he says “I don’t like posting on my social media” I feel so sad

[@paulafragomeni]

THANK YOU❣️ It’s been a tough weekend… but today I finally faced the truth and took my power back putting an end to it. Not gonna say it is easy…

[@ms.steveygolden1118]

OMGLORY, this IS my life with Jeff! I've run to him over & over. He was my first love & I'm 61yrs now. I also believe I have several trauma bond's with him. He stays on my mind & I'm working to clear him out!!

[@toprockytimes]

I drove 3 and a half hours to see my girlfriend after she invited me, and when I got there she was with another guy and pretended to not know me. I had never felt so hurt in all my life. I felt betrayed and lied to. This was all after I flew across the whole ocean just to see her. 12 hour flight on top of 3 and a half hour drive. I don't think I will ever do a long distance relationship again after that experience.

[@zohrehkhalesy6616]

Very well said. They mostly have a double life! This guy only dated long distance, because he was married!!! I found out after 3 years!!!!! Be careful, seriously

[@irenaj.2878]

So true ...I was in long distance r.almost 10 years. I am regreting those years.

[@sawit_b4u]

brilliant breakdown on long distance relationships. wish I had seen this long ago, I would have understood greater how she was feeling, and helped us avoid the heartbreak I carry today. thanks again as always.

[@CarsonZXY]

My partner and I started as an LDR. I didn't want to pursue it for the reasons stated in this video but she was doggedly persistent. We are both trans and from in less progressive regions. We became close while enduring bigotry and hatred as a team. I survived the aftermath of my SA because of her. Now, she's next to me, doing her cute little snore and taking up too much bed space *again*. When LDRs are worth it, they are certainly worth it.

[@madeiraislander]

When things click they click and that's when it's worth pursuing :) Glad it worked out for you both!

[@dustbowlhammer7119]

Been in a long distance relationship with a lady in UK for 5 years and still going, I live in US, holding out for the 1st time we can see each other. We have talked online every single day during that time. And yes, she is worth it to me.

[@Geminei]

I live for the day I can hold my lover's hand once again ❤️ He means the world to me. Until then we spend as much time as we can together and have a wonderful time :)

[@yolandatubin8126]

So very true…some LDR genuine but many just their for convenience if you make efforts to be together full time they start flaking..

[@cecilang9721]

I am in a relationship with someone I see once a month. Truth be told, I would prefer twice a month. We both agree there is no long term future or marriage and too old for kids. We care for each other. There is no confusion. Neither of us wants more contact and definitely no contact between families. So, there you have it. Matthew’s advice is good no matter what kind of relationship you have. If both people agree and have the same purpose and nobody is hurt or confused, then everything is fine for both people. The lady who wanted advice is not on the same page as her LDR partner, and that means they should break up so she can find someone better suited to match what she wants. Heavens forbid, if my partner showed up in my doorstep and dropped to one knee and proposed, I would shut the door. Not everyone wants the same things, but the two people in the relationship absolutely need to want the same things together.

[@marsianahfahir]

Dear Matthew..thanks for the advise..I am in LDR now..already six months and I feel joy, love and blessed. We still try to build up our relationship and also try to learn give and take circumstances. We have to respect each other by letting ourselves have our own space and independence.

[@andrezapereiradeoliveira4958]

Eu já passei por isso, terminei e sobrevivi, você ai também vai ! Continue firme !

[@ursulaalexander9610]

I’m in a LDR for over 4 years it started with just friendship but after awhile we discover we really connect and love each other he talks about us in the future wants to get married I checked him out all the things he told me so far is true. he was supposed to meet up for first time last year in December but unfortunately his dad got a heart attack so I checked it out it was true. We video call 2 to 3 times a week his planning to come this year in June/July when he gets his break/ vacation time from work. My question to you Matthew is do you think so far I got a real thing going here as I feel in my heart it’s mend to be for us. 🙏

[@jsavoni6478]

I had always told myself I would never be in a long distance relationship... I went on vacation a few months ago and fell in love with someone... I don't trust people right off either. But knew if I had a long distance relationship, I would need to try. Well... it's been very difficult... I will keep at it and see where it leads.

[@melanalyvka6109]

Attachment style, fear of intimacy. It should fall into the second, I feel.. Happy Easter to your family and close ones. ❤😊

[@Misscarter86]

If they they haven't talked to you because they are going through a lot run they are with someone else we all know that if we are going through something we turn to the one we are with for comfort

[@CL-do5eq]

My BFF just ended a LDR yesterday. Mind you she talked about him daily. They never met, but they planned on meeting in a month. I supported her even though I know someone living close to her would be best. But, of course we have to love our friends and let them make their own decisions. I’m a bit upset that she’s not being honest with her feelings. But, I have to deal with pretending she didn’t have any when I know this affects her and our relationship. I’ll give her her space just wish she would say. I really wanted it to work, I’m sad and I just need time instead of dismissing it and getting upset with me when I’m checking on her heart. Because she would feel a way if I did it to her. She really liked this guy. I’m sad it didn’t work. He seemed nice. But, hey I just have to pretend he doesn’t exist anymore or her feelings she had.

[@LosmitosdeDaniellefer]

This video is extremely painful but so necessary. Thank you Matthew.

[@dperez611]

So...long story short if they talk and make you feel confused. They ain't worth it. Why would anyone be with someone long-distance: 1) they're worth it. 2) scarcity mindset. 3) Convenient for them. Double life they don't want you to know about so you don't find out about it. Or they don't want anything with anyone. The distance become convenience for avoidance. How does this someone makes you feel ? Confusion keeps us in the game. Great video ! ❤

[@asmrsleep3079]

Ive been in a LDR for gir almost two years BUT I've know my guy for almost 7 years. We started as friends and hes had a crush on me for the longest. He is doing long distance with me because of that reason and we truly have a bond. Plus the distance is only for another year then he will be here for good. Ik he loves me because hes always dying to come home to see me. Hes always voicing hiw i make him feel amd how much he enjoys spending time with me. Same here. I love the bimd we have and the goofiness we have together and apart. He is very vocal about his feelings with me and about me ❤️

[@nightgates9603]

Yup. She said I was a very special person for her. I won't fall for that.

[@KeyToTheCloset]

In a long distance relationship with someone who I met over virtual schooling in 2020! When I switched back to in-person, her parents decided to homeschool her. We met once in person at homecoming for our freshman year, but her parents were abusive and my parents wanted nothing to do with her family. We’ve been together for the last three years. We have to wait until graduation to finally see each other again. Can’t wait until next year! :)

[@Monoriss]

It's true, I went through the same thing recently. Asked.my X that she seems distanced recently and asked her " Do you love me still? " She said " I think so " then I asked her " How do you still see this relationship if you're unsure if you still have feelings for me? " Then she told me " I do have feelings for you, but they are not as the same as yours " in my mind I was like " wtf? "

[@KTKaute]

Ive been in an ldr for nearly 8 years. Met twice. Im british, hes american. Hes moving here at the end of summer. Fingers crossed it works out

[@itsatentaquil3152]

I blame myself for having such high hopes on them, long distance relationships...I gave it a try. 5 years after speaking with her I've already traveled across the US and got a car getting ready to finally meet her. To find out she cheated on me? No thanks, I should've realized after no effort was done that I kept trying. Never again, I've had many oppurtunities to date other women but constantly told them I was seeing someone. I chose the LDR one, after that heartbreak it's hard for me to have the motivation on giving 110% anymore. I mean I've dated other women after that but one cheated and the other I feel as if she cheated too. Many have told me that "I'll find the one" or that I'll run into someone but honestly, being single isn't so bad as it's stress free for me.

[@Barekica]

Have been subscribed to the newsletter from the beginning, I enjoy it immensely, especially the quirky tips at the end about the products, series to watch, and amazing podcasts. Very rich content, indeed.

[@rik4673]

I wish I had seen this 4 years ago ! I also wish I knew what love bombing was . 😢 From a bubbly , happy go lucky person to one dealing with anxiety issues . Trying not to beat myself up with the mistakes I made , it isn't easy, but I hope to cross that line and be the person I used to be. At 55 years of age, I'd say it is too young to suffer like this.