Becoming securely attached is easy, actually

[@VickitaTrivedi]

The first 200 people to use my special link shortform.com/vickita, will get a FREE trial of unlimited access and an additional 20% discount 🚀

[@joungyalen25]

The older I get the more I realize that the secret to success in any avenue in life is to be comfortable being bored. It's not through chasing instant gratification that will fulfill you, it's the process of focusing and enduring the slow and long growing pains that will bear you the most fruit. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it.

[@kagame6524]

Thanks for the reminder

[@lynzik2]

Beautiful message thank u

[@deja3990]

This is the most sane comment I’ve seen. Everyone these days are obsessed with being stimulated 24/7.

[@Shari-H]

I love the info you’re giving, I just think there is a big miss on understanding that these attachment styles are a form of trauma. It’s not just a thinking process.

[@letsdomath1750]

For me, the insight is that when someone says what you focus on grows, they mean that it compounds on itself. Thus, it is best to focus your attention on your health and well-being across all domains of life, starting by making sure your basic needs are met and you are not depleting yourself.

[@quendelf]

Here’s what changed my life: choose a partner based on how the treat you, not how attracted you are to them EARLY on. Take your time. There’s a reason you feel so much so fast, and it’s because you’re TRIGGERED.

[@bm5_5_5]

This is so important. When this happens not only are we being triggered but also having that familiar feeling of being “unsafe” being reflected back to us. It’s anxiety disguised as butterflies. That feeling of safety with a person is something to strive for but we have to cultivate that feeling within ourselves first in order to even be a match to it.

[@DivaDivine88]

That's cute but if you aren't attracted in the beginning.. it will never come later.. at that point you are settling and enduring.. because what if they stop doing said things.. are you still gonna wanna have sex with them.. believe me.. I got with the "great on paper" guy and stayed for 15vyears I ly for the little attraction I did have to just disappear.. even tho he was the most attentive man I've ever met, he was just not it for me.. I don't recommend you date let alone marry someone you're not attracted to

[@quendelf]

@@DivaDivine88 I’m not talking zero attraction, I don’t think most people would start a relationship without that baseline. I mean crazy chemistry alone is not a healthy reason to start a relationship. The way someone treats you should be more important than sex appeal or raw attraction. Most people end up in shit relationships because they start purely based on sex and physical attraction almost exclusively. Feeling insane chemistry with a person super early on isn’t actually a healthy sign. It probably means you’re being triggered in some way.

[@dirlenelopez6033]

​@DivaDivine88 I think it is not about not beibg attracted to the person. Attraction should definitely be there, but there are attractions that are overwhelming. This is definitely a sign of something very wrong. Nothing in excess can be good.

[@ne3371]

What’s this got to do with attachment theory? My previous partner was perfect and my avoidant attachment issues still ruined our relationship. You definitely have to put a lot of work in, choosing a good partner is the easy part.

[@Mmmmkaaay]

Cool earrings 😍 I've started dating again after a 5 year hiatus. It's so much easier when the attitude towards men is "I like you, but I don't need you". Interestingly, men are more attentive to me than the last time I dated, when I would get anxious or overwhelmed. Ladies, you are collecting data! Have fun and respect yourself. That will never lead you astray.

[@spiritualhealer222]

I totally agree with both these comments. But at the end of the day, it's really not even about being anxious or confident and having that "I may want you but i don't need you" attitude, in fact, i personally believe that if you and the person are a perfect fit, and as they say 'meant to be', then no amount of awkwardness, anxiety, f ups can stop the union of you two. On the flip side, you could be the carefree independent and magnetic soft feminine girlie girl to many a man out there and it still wouldn't work because it's just not supposed to. It's time we give ourselves a break from all this to be or not to be shit and just relax and let us be ourselves. The right one will come at the right time, and stick around for ever. He or she would calm you down when you feel all that anxiety, or you feel socially awkward because that's what they are there for. To make you better. Together you will be stronger. All that goes without saying that we must work on our issues and do the shadow work so that it makes the journey smooth and also makes us better competent in life..but remember girls, there needs to be no pressure. Take it easy. This is for anything and everything that stresses you out -It doesn't have to be. ❤

[@jessiy3mayacita]

Agreed!

[@samanthamartinez5108]

⁠@@spiritualhealer222This is the message I needed to hear today. Thank you for articulating this beautiful thought. Which I completely agree with 💯 ❤

[@kxqali]

I love this thread ❤

[@daidipyaa]

offtopic but the earrings are called jhumkas, i love buying them. the best place i know is janpath near india gate ❤

[@AmritaMishraPerformances]

Earlier I used to be so upset when my boyfriend didn't text me for 2-3 hours because he used to be stuck in meetings and calls. He genuinely has a lot of work to do. I don't have much on the other hand (in my office at least). So I decide every time I feel anxious that he is a busy man, I am a busy woman too. I stopped waiting for his texts, and I get busy doing something, because it's my life and I am the main character of it. It doesn't look good that a main character has to wait for someone's texts. :)

[@sandiipants21]

you need to get a hobby or find someone that has more time for you

[@AmritaMishraPerformances]

I need to get a hobby. I'm too free these days. 😂

[@Brainjoy01]

@@AmritaMishraPerformances i tell myself the same things, i think the dbt skill is called check the facts. like it's a fact he's working, it's a fact he's tired after work and resting, not ignoring me. it's a fact he needs to go do laundry and spend some time playing video games, it's a fact he deserves this after work. it's a fact he's never truly ignored me before on purpose. it's a fact he deserves his own time. it's a fact I can't prove he's wasting my time. it really helps

[@AmritaMishraPerformances]

I completely agree! Most of his days are like, Work - talk to me for some time - eat food and sleep. That's literally his routine. 🥺

[@nikki88875]

I was truly a mess once upon a time but a good mess if that makes any sense; then I discovered that I actually preferred my own company and really love having lots of space. I found my calling and now I make lots of my own money and spend it how I want. I have unconditional love from two amazing dogs. Do I feel like I need a man? If a guy comes along great. If not I'm good with that too.

[@morselsofgold]

Great advice but remember there are still guys or gals out there that are no good. The right person will naturally SOOTHE your nervous system and be patient with you. No one is perfect. We are all a work in progress. Being 'anxiously attached' or 'avoidant' or a mix is not always the result of your attachment style. It could be the result of being with someone who is not right for you. The right person will help you feel 'securely attached' regardless.

[@bundlewade]

Yes! Thank you. I’ve experienced this myself. With some people I feel very safe and calm; but with some other people, I feel unbalanced and anxious, and questioning my own worth.

[@kammyo8660]

Plus- people are self centralized nowadays so no one wants to commit

[@Mindsetolympics]

Yassss This part too❤ its about them being the wrong person as well

[@Rachel-ij2pz]

So true being with an emotionally unavailable person will trigger anxiety always. Being with a code pendant person will also trigger it coz it feels like you can't breath. And this applies to anyone. I think

[@hannahnfvideos1043]

Absolutely!!!! I my past boyfriends I would freak out if I didn’t hear from them for awhile, I would feel jealous and insecure of other women and my boyfriend now, I have none of those things. I am okay not hearing from him while he’s at work, and i no longer find myself thinking that my boyfriend will leave me for any other woman more attractive than me. I am just much more secure with my boyfriend than I have been with anyone else.

[@jkae109]

1. Self soothe 2. Setting boundaries (like a day by myself) 3. Voice ur needs (don’t be afraid to lose people if u set boundaries) 4 stop misplaced imagination (aka stop manifesting based on ur anxiety ) 5. Have a set of protocols 6. DIC (Date, Investigate, Change) (first 50% u have to do it alone, other 50% u have to do it with someone else) First 50%: Stage 1 - unconscious insecure Stage 2 - conscious insecure (the whys) Other 50%: Stage 3: gain conscious secure (go on dates and start monitoring what triggers, activate them, catch patterns and reframing) Stage 4: unconscious secure

[@AXAWELLNESS]

What are examples of protocols to take?

[@RoselySS95]

Girls LISTEN TO HER! I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 months now and my therapist has given me similar advice but in more detail. Not only was I a mix of anxious and avoidant, the source of my attachment style was self emotional abandonment. I’ve been feeling so much better lately and so liberated. Dating doesn’t seem all that bad now bc I have gotten better with catching my triggers, being aware of my patterns, self soothing and acknowledging my thoughts and feelings instead of lamenting over them for ages, torturing myself. Follow her advice but also get therapy. IT WORKS!

[@smokingcrab2290]

Emotional abandonment is real. I'm married to an avoidant woman and I've never felt so abandoned in my life.

[@CRose9205]

Therapy only works for women

[@S3verance]

​@@smokingcrab2290been talking to an avoidant girl and never realised how anxious I can be. I used to be so secure and busy with my own life and now I am always anxious.

[@soulspirationgoddess]

@@CRose9205 not true…

[@shizz3907]

I’m a securely attached guy. the part I resonated with most here is when she said she snipped people off and removed herself from dating entirely until she dealt with this. Please please please do this. I’ve been securely attached my entire life and met a few avoidant/anxiously attached women in my life and needed therapy just to stay securely attached. Please take responsibility and stop hurting other people until you figure out your own ish.

[@elektrotehnik94]

I'm a guy. This comment rubs me the wrong way. Just being honest, no ill will. ❤

[@michelle7455]

@@elektrotehnik94I get why you said that but he has a good point. Unhealthy attachment styles make people do unhealthy things. When you do unhealthy things, it negatively affects the people who care about you. Refusing to acknowledge that puts a disproportionate burden on the other party to do a ton of emotional work to keep the relationship in equilibrium

[@Portia620]

@@michelle7455 great point but also from my understanding you can’t heal something just sitting at home. You have to do it through experiences and that’s how we grow so you need to have a willing partner that understands that you’re in Therapy working on something that’s gonna take another person that’s pretty healthier or understands their own Psychology good luck!!!

[@Portia620]

I agree, but good luck that’s like telling people to stop sleeping around with every person they meet

[@karenkaren9913]

When the relationship started i was clearly am avoidant. But one year into that on and off situationship I became anxiously attached. Iike lowering my standards so much just to keep him in my life. It was crazy.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Finally got a taste of your own medicine

[@amybeatty5526]

Be nice. It's not any of our faults that our childhoods were chaotic.

[@kayrae.b]

Girl you nailed it with the impulses. Truly it’s embarrassing to allow someone that much control over your thoughts and emotions

[@elektrotehnik94]

From a guy's perspective: If the girl vocalises to me which impulses drove her to act in the "crazy" way, 95% of the "I can't live with this person" feeling in me is already gone. Her recognising it as a "crazy"/ dysfunctional pattern is essential in this communication. Once she is aware of her patterns + communicates them in self-awareness, I can & do adjust to help soothe the compulsory activation, by talking it out with her. The goal is not to wrap ourselves in bubble-wrap, "never leave house" & never trigger - the goal is to help hold space for each other's "emotional baggage processing processes". To hold space for that process, and to do it as much in partnership as our triggered-status/ communication-ability allows. Over time. These things take time, space, and a lot of Love. ❤ We chose you because we want to engage/ we want to help/ we want a back-and-forth. ❤ We want to feel included in a partnership & trusted; not by the woman controlling our life (or vice versa), but by us being trusted with holding space for each other's activations/ triggers & actively assisting in helping each other overcome our activations/ triggers. This signal shows she is invested into the relationship - that's major "green flags", in my opinion ❤

[@vedakin]

"Anxiety is misplaced imagination" ✨️ you just blew my mind

[@roxanneconner7185]

I really like that you use 'activated' in this video instead of 'triggered.' It makes your meaning more clear than a lot of people talking about this subject matter.

[@nellyvibes2602]

1:33 gather knowledge 4:00 avoidant 15:12 anxious 22:02 healing

[@anetaimbierowska]

Finally somebody said that you need to do another 50% of healing in relationship. Y E S! I had a little bit of anxious attachment in the past, I started working on it by myself. I thought that I am completely healed and then when I went on dates with different people - random things in me got triggered, that otherwise wouldn't get triggered just by me sitting at home. I was able to look at what is happening in my brain, what thoughts are coming to me with calmer mind - and I was able to work through them much, much more. You are not gonna heal completely by yourself, and so many people don't say this out loud.

[@bm5_5_5]

This is really important for people to hear as I will confess to being someone who thought she could do all her healing alone. How wrong I was 😂 Turns out that was just another way for me to AVOID and bypass some important inner work. Now I’m being triggered by a new person and I know this is good for me. Exactly what I need right now. To give me the chance to end these cycles once and for all and move forward in dating and relationships. It’s been a shit show the last 15 years since I started dating. I’m 30 now and ready for different ❤ So I’m confronting my issues head on now instead of running. I have both anxious and avoidant and let me tell you it’s been HELL. However, step by step and day by day I feel I’m getting more secure within. This makes me proud of me and how far I’ve come ☺️

[@vibrantvessel]

You know whats interesting about this i just realized? In the spiritual community, they really disguise these traits mixed with intensity as a twin flame relationship where there is a runner and a chaser. Do not fall for that bs like i did in the past 😂

[@chrissiarte]

💯💯

[@kxqali]

Real talk! 😂

[@jessicajackson1200]

Omg preach, i fell for that twin flame/ soul mate bull for years too.

[@ShadowCatDreams]

What's a twin flame?

[@mysticc6232]

For real! I was also victim to that scam 😭

[@soniavicente1754]

Fearful avoidant, and yes, it's exhausting. Turned off by guys who give me too much attention and drawn to guys who don't want relationships. I have a need for real connection and intimacy but can't stand it when some guys try... I'm working on becoming secure, and am much better. Been on a break, but it's easy when i don't let anyone close enough. The next guy(s) will be the test...

[@paracoco1761]

The guys who give too much attention and the guys who don't want relationships are usually the same people. They shower you with attention when you don't want them. If you reciprocate any interest, they do a 180° and lose interest in you. When you pull back, they start chasing again.

[@luv2luvya4ever]

Wow you just described me 😂😮‍💨. It is exhausting, cuz what is it exactly that we want lol?

[@shizz3907]

Nah don’t “test” this on men. Don’t test your own personal development using other people’s time and feelings. Too many hurt people out here are breaking too many healthy people. Y’all cause other people to need therapy after you’re through dealing with them

[@soniavicente1754]

@@shizz3907 when i say the next one will be the test, it's not a test on him but on myself and how i've changed. That's exactly why i've taken a break, so i can work on becoming secure and not lashing out. It's never about anyone eles but myself and how i deal with any given situation...

[@CRose9205]

That's not an attachment style. You just need to grow up. I've known so many girls like you

[@irisgroen2296]

When you said: “does that make sense” I just said “yes” out loud. I have never felt so understood. I am someone with an anxious avoidant attachment style. I always heard people talk about one or the other but never felt quite understood like this. The run around. The anxious part of me want to smother my partner in love, the avoidant part just wants to push him away as far as possible. When I give into the anxiety, the avoidant part of me feels so much shame and almost sick of what I did. Im sorry if my English isn’t perfect, but I wanted to share this because you really helped me so thank you.

[@bm5_5_5]

Wow I related to that part so much and felt so seen where you said your inner avoidant felt sick and shame every time you gave into the anxious side. This has been me for the longest time but I’m trying to change and make different choices now.

[@clearedhaze5264]

I feel like I need to watch this video over and over.

[@kassie5779]

Same. Legit almost made me cry, I can totally see myself in what she's describing and damn, I want to heal!

[@VickitaTrivedi]

@@kassie5779 Im rooting for you my love ❤

[@aditip4257]

You're doing amazing Woman!! I love your content! ❤ ​@@VickitaTrivedi

[@Rich-bj9sk]

I met this woman that I was really starting to like. I hung out with her and we talked for hours and the vibe was great. She would text me back very slow but I knew after a while she’d get back to me. But it would give me so much anxiety. And yesterday she texted and asked me a question it seemed like she was upset and I answered and never got a reply. She’s been on my mind all week. My whole mood has been thrown off because I just want to hear from her. I don’t do the overly reaching out thing so I haven’t asked her why she’s been distant but it’s triggering me so badly and it’s all I can think about. And I’m aware enough to know that the fact that this is bothering me so much isn’t really that much about her because I hardly know her but I’m so frustrated with meeting someone and then liking them and then at that very moment they pull away. I’m replaying every thing I’ve done everything I’ve said trying to see what I did wrong no signs pointed to her being uninterested she invited me out with her but I was busy and wanted me to go to this Halloween party with her but I’ll be busy then too. But I can’t tell if I’m misreading the situation or what. But I know the frustration and the sadness and how emotional I feel isn’t about her. I just can’t seem to understand why this keeps happening to me. I felt like I gave her space and wasn’t crazy and clingy like I’ve been in the past. When I like someone I want that reassurance I’m so confused and I keep trying to bury myself in self care and work and things that I know I need to take care of but even while I’m doing all of that I’m thinking of her. Like why do I do that. Why do I get so attached to someone so fast. And what is it about me liking someone that’s so bad that once I do it seems like they pull away. I’m so sad about this and it’s embarrassing. I feel ashamed that I even feel so deeply about this but it’s not about her it’s just the fact that I’m in this situation and feeling rejected and abandoned again. I feel like my love life had been cursed.

[@Heartcuttermusicbypeach]

Girl… I’m a recovered fearful/anxious avoidant and the way you articulated this feeling is so in line with my experience. Once you begin to heal you really notice how much of a disservice it is closing yourself off from love and closeness , as well as the people who want to be close to you or love you. Leaned in to a bad relationship and ended up getting hurt but in a way it completely set me free. I was like wait , I’m still okay though? And if I put my trust into people that are kind and good and really love me I can have beautiful intimacy!? Let’s do it. Ahahah. Currently dating a man who was so intentional in loving and caring for me from the start, I let him in and allowed myself to accept a peaceful love I really deserve. My nervous system is loving it.

[@lial216]

Same here. And what a difference it is, to feel safe and fully trust in 😊your partner's love. And yourself.

[@AishaAwaisu-ht8qe]

How did you get through it pls share

[@CzarKingBilly]

As a guy with anxious-avoidant attachment (aka - disorganized), I can say this is all perfectly true. I have the same avoidant reaction when a girl shows genuine interest in me, and the same anxious reaction when I’m into a girl. What you’re saying about addressing both of these is spot on and it’s what I’ve been working on. It takes conscious and intentional effort, and the ability to push back against your instincts. But the end result is worth it, and so much better than the chaotic alternative.

[@emma_linneaa]

Love this! I had the same journey, attracted to emotionally unavailable men and not understanding why I wasn’t attracted to good men. Now I am attracted to secure, emotionally available men. It does get better everyone ❤

[@shagynaz]

How you healed ?

[@theauthorgirl-podcast]

Thank you so much. Your story gives me so much hope. Currently going through this and it is a nightmare because I know I want a good man but I sometimes agonize over the worry that I might not be as attracted to them.

[@jessecaw.3714]

BOUNDARIES always. This is so key. Thanks for another great video.

[@VickitaTrivedi]

You are so welcome!

[@SohamPal-m8j]

It's crazy how no one is talking about Women’s Magic Truths on Borlest. This book has secrets that could change everything, but people seem blind to it. Wake up and see for yourself!

[@erhtsee]

botttt

[@GhostsRustyKnee]

I always thought I was anxiously attached until I dated people who were honest about their intentions. Turns out, I was actually just dating manipulative people without good intentions. At the same time, the fact that I go for neglectful, transactional minded people (because it's familiar), does make me wonder where I sit on the spectrum.

[@floraravin354]

Vickita- I have always "heard" these types of videos but today I actually listened for the first time. Burst into tears multiple times when you were describing anxious attachment. Asked God for help and I know that this video was it. Thank you for what you do. ❤

[@DrLindseyM]

Go check out Dr Adam Smith the attachment specialist

[@ijustneedmyself]

Wishing you the best. I started watching videos on attachment a couple months back in an effort to understand a dismissive avoidant man. In the process I learned that I'm a fearful avoidant! What a journey 😂 It made my whole previous relationship make so much sense. I periodically agonized over things for the 17 years we were together. He died last September and even just a short while before his death I was wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why can't I be happy. Knowledge is power... So is awareness. We got this! P.S. You are absolutely gorgeous!

[@user-sm9tg4rc1n]

Please please do a step by step guide to changing your attachment style

[@sisuriffs]

Furthermore, physical beauty fades much earlier than any of us is ready for. Strive to be interesting and kind.

[@kausha7135]

Currently Fearful Avoidant, but I've come a long way. Still working on it and I appreciate your video. In my experience as a Fearful Avoidant, I place a high value on my independence, more than others, I've observed. I want connection, but I get frustrated when I feel like I'm being held back from what I want to do. The avoidance kicks in and I start distancing myself. If they give chase, I'm deep in my avoidance. If they don't or they even pull back, I switch to an anxious attachment. I'm the cause of a lot of push and pull unfortunately.

[@bottlesofchris]

This is one of the best videos I’ve seen on this topic. My attachment style is the exactly the same as yours. I’ve been nothing but cold to amazing and patient guys and my heart gets broken by nothing situationships. My tendency is isolation but I look forward to an active dating stage (my avoidant side usually hates dating lol)

[@athinasdesigns]

I'm so grateful a woman is talking about this. I only found out about this through another podcast that is mostly targeted for men but they had a psychologic and he explained the attachment styles. Thank you for sharing this. Many women will find it insightful❤❤❤. It's truly a self destructive pattern and nobody talks about this kind of stuff because most probably they never heard of it 😢

[@OhYoohooItsYorkiePoo]

I'm also both. I classify myself as being fearful of men. I don't want the burden, the discomfort of vulnerability of liking or loving someone because in my head they already said no, they already rejected me. Now that's not true, but that is how I feel. Then on the flip I'm such a cling on, but that really embarrasses, I feel genuine pure humiliation of wanting to be desired or have attention. But if the guy who "rejected me" (w/e) anyways turns out, he likes me, now he's not at all someone I like, he's so wrong for me. This leads me to not date anyone. So I like a guy, I have concluded I am of no interest, I feel rejected, that makes embarrassed because I don't feel comfortable wanting to be liked, wanting attention, wanting this persons affection, so you know like I don't need that and they were not what I wanted anyways 🙄. Sometimes I just want to tell myself to shut up, so annoying. Like wooow you're so independent, liar.

[@marieluvie]

You mean you dont like them after it turns out they like you?

[@CleanSweetHome]

Omg dear I have the same issue.. maybe we can help each other❤😮 I came far in my journey but still dating feels odd. I need to have instant connection (not through app) to start dating😅

[@CleanSweetHome]

@@marieluvie yess & I may switch from liking to using my rationality & back off, it's like mind vs heart battle

[@smokingcrab2290]

You sound crazy.

[@OhYoohooItsYorkiePoo]

@@smokingcrab2290 I am crazy.

[@Nocturnal_Lorena]

Omg story of my life! I was anxious avoidant but I transitioned into secure by my late 20's coz I wanted to be better for myself after I learnt you get what you are not what you want. Tysm! Love ya! 💖

[@VickitaTrivedi]

Oh wow! Thanks for sharing your journey ❤️

[@socol76]

Vickita it sound like you were a Fearful Avoidant (aka Disorganized Attachment), which is a combination of Anxious Preoccupied and Dismissive Avoidant. I am FA as well ❤

[@VickitaTrivedi]

Yeah defo!! I just wanted to keep it organized haha but yes, it was FA. I hope you’re healing ❤️

[@raqueldiaz7651]

The most common attachment style is actually secure, that’s like half the population

[@bigvictory143]

they’re all probably in relationships now too - or at least most of them. and the dating pool is left with insecurely attached people who are still figuring it out.

[@kristinajovanovic837]

I am FA as well. Therapy helped me, also opening up with safe friends and learning to show myself as I am, which is scary. My current partner is secure and it really helped me center myself as I was aware of my patterns (29 long years). It can get better but it will take some time - even years, so be patient. Triggers can still exsist, you are just dealing better with it.

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Everyone has both anxious and an avoidant side. Having both of them but to a much higher extreme, would make you an FA, or a Fearful avoidant. Sometimes also called having a disorganized attachment style. People with this attachment style usually come from a home with a lot of yelling, abuse, addiction in the family, alcoholism, SA, etc. So pretty severe childhood traumas. Its the hardest attachment style to healz i know cause Im a true FA, and have been trying to heal for years!

[@AXAWELLNESS]

13:34 : By self soothing, I deactivate the “bomb” & so that person doesn’t need to change their level of love/affection- I need to change how I am receiving it and how it’s making me feel.

[@kristapedia]

Wife and mom for the last 19 years here. I can absolutely attest to what she's saying at 14:00 Parents (but mom's especially) feeling like they don't have enough time for themselves and "losing" themselves during parenthood. Yes, this happens when boundaries aren't set. When you say Yes to too much. It happens slowly, then suddenly years of self-abandonment have gone by. The game changer for me was to KNOW my preferences and DEMAND them. You never really HAVE to do anything. So stop doing everything!

[@RedDeadReverie]

I have mixed attachment styles now, but mainly anxious. I find with the anxious attachment it’s more about addiction to attention and validation. If I like someone, I just want open communication and to talk often.

[@masratshaikh3631]

Same!!! And even if they are genuinely nice, they just might not wanna talk to you all the time (which actually happens a lot) and then you end up feeling like they are just not that into you and they are ignoring you. It sucks real bad

[@penelopegcina]

I agree. Growing up in a strict African family, as a child you always have to listen to the adults, respect them, not talk back, etc. So for me it is easier to fall into that and detach at the same time but deeply I resent it so much and I keep doing it. Now, I am doing things I enjoy more and putting myself out there in terms of building connections with people in group outings.

[@smiles7631]

As a man, I agree with you and have been put through it. It definitely sucks! Thanks for getting this message out.

[@infinity_luck5917]

I actually have both..and it's like living in hell literally....but I'm working on myself

[@VickitaTrivedi]

straight up! rooting for you

[@tallspicy]

When you are anxious and avoidant that is called fearful avoidant.

[@josephkush1032]

Used to suffer from anxious attachment. Recently I've been dating this girl, and I just stopped caring what I was going to say next and things just happened naturally. I just always tell myself I'll be perfectly fine either way.

[@TheRuffler]

I thought I was doomed to continue having relationships that I end up sabotaging for the rest of my life. I also felt very alone in thinking I was one of the few who felt this combination of avoidant / anxious type. Thank you for talking about this and giving such practical steps to break the cycle.

[@multiverse125]

Pushing him away until he abandons me to satisfy my ego “see everyone leaves” really struck me. What protocol do you have to be willing to receive love and trust it’s merit?

[@Animamundi139]

Yooooo I have been living in activation!!! 😱😱 And it is exhausting ! thank you for breaking it down like this ❤️. I recently started therapy to work out some deep seated issues that I think also contribute to this. I just found your channel recently & I really resonate with your content , the way you deliver and present it , and your own personal journey is very inspiring and motivating 🙌 I’m gonna check out The Feminine Protocols right now ❤️❤️ I need tools to help me climb out of this weird headspace I’m in . Thank you so much Vickita!!! 😘

[@rwansays]

Okay, attachment styles aren't new to me, I've watched plenty from people who understood it very well but this one is what I think is the last one I needed to put everything into perspective and finally let go of being the old you Vickita. You put this soo nicely I wanted to cry throughout the whole thing, thank you!!

[@jessiy3mayacita]

Im aware of my attachment style(s)….however this video helped me so much on navigating through them moving foward . Thank you!!! ♥️😌

[@LorraineVirginie]

Anxious avoidant here too and yes it’s a nightmare, you described it so well. It’s really just kept me from dating practically at all to be honest because it’s not worth all the stress and chaos…

[@davedsilva]

It’s getting harder and harder to find relationship girls not ruined by bad boys who turn them into situationship girls

[@surpriseimblack]

I'm a heterosexual guy and i can verify that you nailed it with straight up clinical precision and stunning lucidity!!

[@kathystopka6614]

Wow this video just changed my life! I thought I was the only one who’s like this. Thank you

[@YesItsFoxxyy]

Girl this was so good! I hardly ever comment on these videos but that last 6 minutes was chefs kiss

[@jadenreynoso]

Thank you I needed this. Just got out of situationship for years on and off. So many red flags and had anxious attachment while the other person was avoidant and looked for attention and I was always pouring into them and getting drained. Then I was told that I look for stuff after giving when I told them I was looking for reciprocation. She was doing that thing of finding all the negatives. I’m really big on always working on things but she was not ever seeing my value fully

[@ascott4502]

Woooooo - you read me fully when you went through anxious attachment! Great video ❤❤

[@elegrace9212]

I never knew anything about attachment styles or that I had both avoidant and anxious attachment styles until now, when u were explaining all the traits I was like "wait a sec, isn't that me?" , I figured out my anxious style is dominating my actions more than my avoidant one. atleast now I know what's wrong with me, I'm so grateful u made this vd, I used to think I have mental problems 😂😅

[@elhamaxelane]

its so triggering, what youre saying is so real + really speaks to those parts of myself. thanks for helping me be more aware so I can grow from all that

[@MaryMargaretteWhite-ek5tn]

I need to learn this cause once I’m interested and I know you’re interested I become “attached”, however I’m not afraid to walk away when I feel you’re not being consistent. This is why I need assurance often, and I give constant assurance.

[@shatakshipandey8014]

I have this type of attachment style. I have pushed away not only men, but a lot of female friends in high school. I hope to recover and become securely attached.

[@jasminhabib5065]

Just letting you know both is disorganized, and I think the more I heal my anxious, it turns into disorganised. I think it's me trying to balance it out. But fr, I want to get so much better at it, not with dating necessarily but for every connection! It happens in friendships too. I think a sticking point for me is "why do I think someones personality being amazing is worth sacrificing my mental health and sanity?" because it checks me every time. It is still so hard. I hope this can help someone though, because i've been struggling with this a lot more recently as i've been getting back into the friendship/considering dating sphere. We need to remember it is possible to feel at peace. It just sucks because I was practicing secure attachment in a new friendship I had, but I was also developing feelings for them. Then they cut me off because they didn't want to keep hurting me (they were glaringly avoidant and me more expressive with my emotions) and then the attachment styles flared up again. Aaaaaah. But i'm trying. I will soon speak my peace then accept whatever outcome.

[@shagynaz]

I have anxious attachment style got attached to this guy he is avoidant and when he pulled back i went into depression. There was nothing we were just talking idk how i got attached, later on i unfollowed him but now i am not able to like someone else and it’s miserable. I think of him all the time idk what to do 😭😭

[@kelly.nicole]

I feel like I’m dying , I’ve been doing so much work and it feels like it’s never enough.. This sucks 😂

[@haryel5058]

Lmaooo I feel you !🤣

[@-Sunshines-girl_]

Omg same.. And I'm getting tired doing so much of work 😂... Please share more at least i will not feel like I'm the only one

[@thereisadevilinme8503]

same

[@d1v1n1ti]

😂lol right!?

[@megriley9841]

Girl.. this is so lovely to hear. Also a fearful avoidant so I deeply understand the cluster fuck 😂 great to see someone moving through it, this has inspired me to start dating again 😊

[@fembot521]

That’s my attachment style and you described me to a T!! Anxious but will never stoop so low as to show it!

[@HannahZiad]

I needed this to open up my eyes

[@MandyArtGames]

This has been so helpful, thank you ❤ I'm very happy that I seem to be further along in my healing journey than I give myself credit for.

[@emilymiles1219]

Interesting video. Personnally I am a rare case. I am securely attached to my romantic partner of several years but extremely anxious when it comes to platonic relationships, particulary friendships. It goes back to my childhood, when anxiety, low self esteem, shyness and plenty of other issues affected my ability to make friends and have genuine friendships. So I find this video helpful for my case too though.

[@Helios_808]

This is good advice for us guys too, thanks!!

[@dawn9340]

Video aside, the ad for short form was really good and relatable.First time I've ever said that about an ad I think lol.

[@tomas9830]

Hi Vickita, as a gay man with anxious attachment style this video really helped me, currently i feel like im betweeen stage 3 and 4! Thank you for making videos like this❤

[@psartipi5618]

You are so well spoken and open minded. Very inspiring and informational!!

[@VickitaTrivedi]

Thank you so much!

[@queenmarissa]

Hahahaaaa me. Fearful (anxious) avoidant 🎉😂 My past was a train wreck before I met my partner who taught me to be healthily attached to people and to him and to myself. Thanks for this video babe. Really appreciate it

[@Cybele1986]

I always knew as a kid if my mother said that she loved me, that was her ramping up for a BPD rage episode in a few days time when she would scream at me and tell me that I was evil and that she hated me. So if someone shows love or affection, I’m *always* still waiting for the other shoe to drop

[@masratshaikh3631]

Ahhhh your earrings are sooooo prettyyyyy!!!! Also amazing video as usual❤ I used to think I had anxious attachment but after watching your video I have realised it's disorganised and a mix of both. So very much like what you had and it's exhausting for sure!!

[@VickitaTrivedi]

thank you so much!!! Sending you love

[@sierrasmith8722]

i’m going to cry. i was just sobbing about my ex (we’re currently testing the waters to try again) wondering why he isn’t putting in the effort, but being too avoidant to text him and ask if our plans are still on. the only difference is i *want* him to be open, i find that good not an ick.

[@elizabethgracefashion]

I think you completely described me when talking about avoidant attachment and now I’m going to work through it!

[@menmanom]

thing is, i never thought of anything bad, i never go into a relationship without trust, and i only thought of good things even iffff the things were going bad id say to myself like oh nth bad is happening, and then they started causing more and more problems that started affecting my health so i had to leave.

[@Portia620]

I get the feeling suffocated!!!! I don’t run and sit thru it. Vulnerability is an issues after tons of abuse!!!! I am open in my relationship and don’t hold back. Everyone needs space! Healthy!!

[@sandram6068]

Wow! Thank you so much for this video. I was able to understand myself better. Thank you for giving us hope and tools to heal. God bless you! 🙏🏻

[@Portia620]

I get the feeling suffocated!!!! I don’t run and sit thru it. Vulnerability is an issues after tons of abuse!!!! I am open in my relationship and don’t hold back. Everyone needs space! Healthy!! Self fulfilling prophecy!

[@d1v1n1ti]

wow, this made me realize I am glad I don't live with these styles, that sounded insane! I def relate to avoidance a tiny bit and some anxiety but not to those extremes ... which means I'm a lot further in progress to secure than I realized. So grateful 🙏🏽❤️

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

The anxious can be people-pleasers, while the actions of avoidants will show no concern or awareness of the internal well-being of others.

[@lunaleia952]

I actually had avoidance and anxiety too, depending on the other person. So nice to hear I'm not alone. It's literally impossible to have a healthy relationship like this.

[@SASA-bq4ot]

I have the exact same atchment style plus I feel like if everything is going too smooth even for the short time I need to create some chaos.

[@danitiwa]

Maybe next time you feel bored in your relationship you should create excitement instead of chaos. There’s a huge difference. They’re both thrilling but only one of them ruins lives and hurts.

[@HaninSindi]

Damn i never heard such an easy way to heal your attachment style. How i saw and realized These simmilar patern of me in your Explanation Was so soothing. I love you for that Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

[@lalottila4243]

I LOVE your videos! I also have an anxious/ avoidant attachment style and reeeeally see my triggers, patterns etc. while dating. Still it’s so hard to break them and self soothe… However I gonna keep working on it 💪🏼 Greetings from Germany! ❤

[@marisolarias514]

The way I related to everything you said is crazzzzy 😭🙏 I needed this information like yesterday! Immediate follow💗

[@ManOfHonorChildOfGod]

I love that she discovered this on her own.

[@Marmae02]

This was just such a profound video. Thank you. I feel so seen yet completely called out. 😀I have some work to do. Thank you again

[@heather4432]

Wow. That was incredible. I appreciate this video so much. You are very wise.

[@destinyalanna]

Yes! Having both is an actual nightmare .. it’s like being at war with yourself

[@OhB1canohbe]

Great advice! I’d known about attachment theory for a while but I like your practical advice at the end. I have not heard anything like that before, but it makes sense.

[@rosebanquet-k3b]

Thank you sm for this and everything you do. Your channel is my current obsession.

[@VickitaTrivedi]

Wow, thank you! Snack choice for the binge sessions?

[@courtneykoc3050]

Omgosh I'm totally an avoidant, everything you said is spot on for me, I've always felt uncomfortable being affectionate and it was my biggest complaint in my relationships

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

learning about the attachment styles and myself helped me realize how manipulative invasive and controlling my mother is. some parents sabotage their children from thriving. we become conditioned into being deranged. it sets us up for difficulties to say the least.

[@jahpuggie5]

Thank you for summing up my dating patterns-I totally get what you mean by the ick and feeling grossed out when guys like me too much-

[@BruceJC75]

Avoidants leave a wake of broken hearts.

[@CareBlair222]

My ex husband was avoidant. He felt like a roommate that wanted sex. It was painful.

[@lew1056]

This video was full of gems!