Esther Perel | Modern Love and Relationships | SXSW 2018

[@SaundaryaLahari]

"Many of these things are not problems that we have to solve, but these are paradoxes that we have to manage." LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!!

[@mtjohnson65]

Me too!! I can't believe that I did not know about her!

[@Soulshine60]

She is a phenomenal speaker

[@sazzlepop321]

‘These are not problems that we need to solve but paradoxes that we need to manage’ - hit the nail on the head

[@jennifermelton9598]

“Relationships are your story. Write well, and edit often.” ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@philipcox6879]

"For you, my beloved, I will delete my apps" 😂 That section would make great tongue-in-cheek wedding vows.

[@anthanykrebs3586]

Hahahaha ... So true & funny... But, what does that say about where we are today ... Shew... :-/

[@adeleforgey1872]

😀

[@WahkeenaSitka]

this is so true and utterly hysterical. i'm in a new relationship of 3 months, and i deleted / deactivated all the online dating websites...

[@shumetesam7407]

Ya😂😂😂

[@saschaspring2198]

Just ended a relationship because he WOULD NOT DELETE THEM AND STILL ASKED WOMEN OUT ON THEM!!! It's funny but sorrowful at the same time. May the insight grow ....

[@DrUnatiDrMHealthCorner]

I'm watching Esther everyday. This whole COVID-19 time made me connect with myself. Learning more on relationships, forgiveness, self development and business. I'm so grateful ❤️.

[@anewloveofficial9137]

Every couple should listen to this, if you're struggling with your relationship, it's about time that you make a move for change. Consider the things that you really love about your partner, and correct those things that is giving you burden in the relationship. You have the power to save your relationship, and do it as early as possible.

[@VanessaSimon26]

A New Love Official truth. So many males that don’t want sex and HURTS THE RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE. How did this happen? For years.

[@Paulmazuk]

I just learned of her from School of Life and thought to look up further. Her no bullshit approach is so refreshing. I watched the full talk, and the Q&A session also brought so much insight and forced me to interrogate how I do things in my own relationships. 23 year old from South Africa

[@lumyb9064]

What conclusion did you reach?

[@oagengmsiza5760]

I'm also glad I found out about her.

[@409raul]

Thank you God, for sending us Esther Perel.

[@lucas2411]

Esther your eyebrows are almost as good as the amazing insight that you have given me of myself and just how short my shortcomings in my relationships have been. Thank you!

[@HP_____]

"Instead of problems to solve, we have paradoxes to manage." Such an eloquent way to put it!

[@vasillir]

What an amazing display of the English language. Well chosen powerful words like a razor. You can see how she enjoys saying them. Such a strong delivery of many of the difficult questions and ideas. Well done.

[@CikisHelyzet]

"There is no Victor Secret.. so we all know where the responsibilities have lain." *cheers!* ... love you, Esther!!

[@citizenofvirginity]

The messages and topics mentioned in the talk directly and indirectly affect almost all entities of our modern society today. I wished I were there!

[@alfonsoalmodovar4361]

This knowledge can save humanity from failing to realize its full potential. Literally.

[@ap-mm2xj]

"Many of these things are not a problem that we have to solve, but these are paradoxes that we need to manage" WOW

[@FloorMaassen]

Esther, I would really love to see you talk about modern love and relationships with Jordan Peterson. I love your talks but I would love discussion about the topic. Thank you so much!

[@zackandlime]

Esteher outchea saving couples and relationships one talk at a time! This woman should be sainted / knighted. 👌

[@ratulbalabiswas7774]

This is the first time a talk made this much sense

[@Reikimakesmehappy]

I so stan for Esther Perel

[@sophials]

Thank you for uploading this.

[@jay_stack1270]

“ You don’t solve this problem with Victoria Secret “ 😂🤣😂

[@vincentadika8562]

A very strong and powerful presentation on this penultimate subject. Excellent.

[@ryanhague3892]

I'm glad I was forwarded this. Thx

[@HomebodyRJB]

You can't expect true Love in the world Where it's acceptable to have open relationship, casual flings and friends with benefits Where Loyalty and Everlasting relationship doesn't exist. Where one night stand is seen As the coolest trend Where instant gratification is chosen over the delayed one

[@alibeaumont-filder3185]

Brilliantly and comprehensive . Great truth and recommendation .

[@HangNguyen-xg3on]

So smart and wise. Thank u Ester.

[@soulpurposeinsights]

Have you heard of The Twin Flame Concept? Your dream of divine love and equality is about to come true Esther Perel.

[@Shpans]

Sisterhood at it's best. Poor guy asking question already got told before the question it self.

[@normanizermusic8553]

This woman gets it.

[@bartzed4305]

love you Esther, you really have all your marbles together, wish there were more women like you out there ;)

[@blessingspeter5898]

do you need help if you do get in touch with him on WhatsApp he was the one who help me okay

[@blessingspeter5898]

[phone]

[@fireinateacup89]

#queen 👑 I love her self-expression through her clothing and jewelry, too! She definitely has a very personal fashion style that is modern, classy but alternative, powerful and sexy. 💗

[@SharonKenny]

As a matchmaker I am so influenced by Esther. If you're ever in Ireland, I'd be so happy to show you around. :)

[@matasuki]

Am I happy enough? Wow that's powerful. So much choice. Only a few mins in and I'm hooked.

[@lounamana]

love you Esther (Belgian not French)

[@meenki347]

She's a Flamont. That's the French speaking part of Belgium.

[@janekuoo]

May l have a translation for Chinese? Thank you so much

[@ndindamule3134]

Nice I like her🙏

[@oo-mu1cu]

Who else fancies Esther?🤭🙂

[@TSMPimpDaddyPain]

Interesting talk, made some good points. Although the men and women unable to be friends thing is true for the most part, it's rarely a legitimate platonic friendship. At least one of them is usually attracted to the other and hoping for something more. They also have literally completely different brain wiring, reproductive strategies, personalities, hobbies, interests, life goals, etc. So it is quite uncommon that there is enough overlap of common interests and mutually zero sexual attraction needed for a platonic male/female friendship. Also, monogamy wasn't about "love" in the past and it still isn't about "love" now. It's still a business transaction.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

I agree with you, mostly, but who really wants a platonic relationship unless both are asexual or Male and Female homosexxuals? Monogamy is about negotiation. Men seem to be about maintaining control and power. Some men are too insecure to share a balanced relationship.

[@TSMPimpDaddyPain]

@@kirstinstrand6292 I agree that most don't want a platonic relationship. I can't say I've seen a single real life example of a man wanting control and power in a relationship. Most men just want a little sex and a back rub. However I've met numerous women that were power/control freaks.

[@angelheart408]

I agree with you regarding platonic relationships. I have had very close platonic friendships as a female with gay males but not heterosexual guys. It just doesn't work.

[@thomasuwewichmann4398]

Hört sich nach offener Beziehung an festhalten und weitersuchen.

[@kylaschuster9986]

Wow wow wow

[@DrTune]

11:40 "Very often in a couple there is one person who is more in touch with the fear of losing the other, and one person who is more in touch with the fear of losing themselves - one person more afraid of abandonment, and one more afraid of suffocation". Ooof that hit home...

[@360.Tapestry]

i'm inspired. she cuts through the bullshit without being cutting

[@dannyallegra]

19:43 😢 what she just said, OMG!!! Women and men working together to free each other and themselves! I ❤ you, Esther!!

[@willneverforgets3341]

I agree, feminism needs not to be a war to fight against men, but it should be a change that has to be made by both men and women together.

[@iamsheefa]

@@willneverforgets3341 ce

[@NicolineNDahl]

I'm only 23 and I'm so grateful i stumbled upon her about a year ago, before entering adulthood for real. She made me realize what I can be okay with (and not be okay with) in a long-term committed relationship. Every millennial needs to listen to her. She's so radical, beautiful and insightful. Her husband and sons are lucky people to have her in their everyday lives

[@sazzlepop321]

Nicoline Noerskov wish I discovered her at your age! I feel awakened now!

[@SuperNashum]

Indeed. We enter the relationship young without the clear idea what is ok and what is not. And as a result suffer from abuse, manipulations and lies believing it’s just a temporary passage or simply to recognizing these destructive patterns as such.

[@StephJ0seph]

Not radical in the political way though... (Thankfully)

[@jamesblack9499]

Women don’t find a feminine man attractive .....they find caveman attractive ....be a caveman

[@philomenapeterson1790]

I'm 65 and so grateful to have discovered her ! Godh!

[@FranklinDSchmidd]

"The Quality of our Relationships determines the Quality of our Life" (31 minute mark)

[@elysia4982]

Relationships, people, they are your story. Write well. And edit often.

[@averal169]

@@jordanallen8420 I should've hired a private eye years ago, it would've saved me years of heartbreak and finally walking away from my cheating husband, I had suspicions but never had proof. Good on you.

[@johnk4934]

Forgive much. Laugh often, honestly without cruelty.

[@mimiglaes2479]

Yes, "Write well. And edit often." Very important words by Esther! Thank you!

[@ProstyjaSlovy]

She is incredible! I stumbled upon her TED talk and can't stop listening to her now :)

[@lexie02jones25]

Same

[@cherieelliot8938]

Same here only wish I would of found her long ago

[@dannyallegra]

There is no emoji to express my admiration for this woman. I've followed her for a while, read her first book, listen both seasons of her poadcast... for me, she is the one with the best insights about relationships. She is for us today what philosophers were for the ancient Greece: the smartest person to go to for wise advise.

[@Shark-Malark]

D. N. Agreed! Psychotherapy for anyone in pursuit of a meaningful life as a human being

[@MichL_71]

She makes sense, but have you applied her lessons and found then beneficial?

[@JohnBedson]

"advice"

[@lindaejimadu3996]

@@JohnBedson .

[@JohnBedson]

@@lindaejimadu3996 .

[@Tomino1302]

"Relationships are our story, write well and edit often" What a mind blowing saying!!

[@SaystheTruth3]

Yes perfect!

[@DD-ry3zg]

In SXSW 2018, this keynote speech from Esther Perel opened a new door to me. It's not about the newest technology; it's not about the big conflicts in the world; it's about the new meaningful & deep relationship we are facing in our life as the first time in human history; it's about the isolation and loneliness we are facing in the modern life by living in our individual places. Humanity is one thing we don't talk much but every single of us is suffering the lack of deep relationships which makes us to question ourselves badly. It's the time to talk open, to learn from each other, to team up and support each other and face the new challenge of building the true relationship in the future! Thanks Esther for being here and share the awareness of love and relationship.

[@joeldwest]

Ruohai Wang find me

[@simonlloyd7557]

Did she mention hypergamy? No? 80%+ of women initiate divorce, usually after the man has lost his job, gone through illness or depression. Did she mention the unfair justice system, or the enormous male suicide rate?

[@tinah34]

Esther’s work is groundbreaking....she’s truly a pioneer in the field of modern psychology. Her public talks continue to get richer and richer in content and context. Love her and the work she shares with the world

[@lexie02jones25]

Yesssss

[@mandycjamieson]

If you’ve never invested just one hour to understand yourself, your culture and your relationships, then let this SXSW talk be that ONE hour.

[@nato2panama]

"For most of history the soulmate meant God." In other words, we replace God with an imperfect, limited human being. I think this is a very important point. Would anyone want to guess why?

[@mimiglaes2479]

Relationships may lead to "transcendent experiences" momentarily. No person can take the place of the Transcendent Other however you describe the Numinous experiences of the Universe! This is just one comment.

[@toddjenest3212]

I have never heard this before; soulmate = God? A soulmate has nothing to do with religion. I believe it has more to do with a strong karmic connection. A magical, mystical, unexplainable, mind blowing connection.

[@mimiglaes2479]

@@toddjenest3212 Study the mystics of any religion. and then study Thomas Moore's book, "The Soul of Sex." Explore and delve more deeply into the connection of "God"- Soul- Sex- Soulmate, then decide what your conclusions are. Enjoy the journey!

[@TroyMountain]

@@toddjenest3212 Karma's a notion taught to the West by Indian Hinduism-- a religion.

[@toddjenest3212]

@@mimiglaes2479 I hope there's lot of pictures! LOL I don't base my opinions from books, they are from personal journeys.

[@obsederessa2487]

she looks like Meredith Grey, from Grey's anatomy.

[@recyclespinning9839]

I think what she is not bringing up is that since the industrial revolution. We have gone to a nuclear family. >> 2 parents and kids only. The extended family used to hold the couple together before. Just think about how much more stress is on the 2 people, best case scenerio?? The 2 parents have to not only financially support the kids and household, but also have to raise their kids alone. Usually this requires daycare for their kids. Which means even more financial stress and children nit raised under loving caring family .. when the genie got out of the bottle and we made our deal with modern conveniences, and materialism, we made our deal with the devil We no longer depend on family,, and interdepend on each other >>>>> but jobs and 💲💲💲💲💲. I noticed she did touch upon the tribes we used to be in. So yeah that tells you we have created 2 lonely people who have too many responsibilities and no sharing. Welcome to the material world.

[@nato2panama]

Very good point and worth noting. The lack of an extended family presence in the home must have a major impact.

[@Benjamin-David]

Very good points. We’ve opened Pandora’s box culturally.

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

I listen to as many as Esther's blog posts as I can. I have found many pertinent take-away's. I see her speaking to many "younger" people who appear to want to know how to find and manage a relationship. As a 68-year old married to a 74-year old husband with early cognitive decline many new questions arise and the old roles have changed. Talk about a "paradigm change" that needs to be managed.... I would like to hear her talk about this latter stage of married life and the challenges and needs at this stage.

[@jameskempf2581]

She is a time traveler... understanding the dynamics of past relationships and how it clashes with today relationships is mind blowing! Bravo !

[@timjones7547]

I was married twenty years and have been divorced 20 years. I have wanted a relationship for so long; thanks to Esther I feel that I finally have the knowledge and tools to make that, or more precisely, let that happen...

[@bmorefriendly]

“when you write a letter, you are with yourself and the other person”

[@DanaDelikatmua]

I need Esther in my pocket so I can have her by my side at all times!!

[@mayaportland8805]

a fast solution for improving intimacy is looking in each others eyes more and slow kiss your partner every day. You're welcome!

[@iamenough6958]

Hummmmmmm If that's their love language Not a cookie cutter fix

[@jackieblue04]

I tried this (and so much more) and my partner would look away. I worried for months that we would be over soon. He downloaded dating apps.

[@msplop]

"...what you want is a beautiful thing and it shouldn't be the exception..." 💗 I felt that!

[@tanyahibbert8266]

I have been listening to you, Esther, for about 2 months now and thanks to KZbin that I found you as I wasn't looking for anything specific (intuitive algorithms perhaps) but I am happy and grateful that I did. You gave me permission and the vocabulary to say to my husband what I wanted to say for such a long time but didn't know how to without sounding like a victim. I hope that you continue to do the work that you do because we as a society need people like you. Thank you ❤

[@philomenapeterson1790]

Wow. The quality of relationships is the quality for life

[@roxypredescu6599]

Paradoxes that we need to manage..Thank you, Esther!

[@JadenFox]

Brilliant! Phenomenal clarity of the big issues we all dance in with our intimate relationships!

[@tabbyp4754]

For the first time, at 34, I've finally realized what feeling secure means. At 34, I finally understand what setting boundaries means. At 34, I finally understood that's it's ok to have a fight but to talk about it after, which is healthy. At 34, I finally FINALLY undstersand what love is. At 34, I started to love myself so that I can truly love the man I just started dating. Thank you, Esther.

[@madamh9695]

Relationships are your story, write well and edit often.

[@elyseredwine233]

She really is a gift to all people in one & people seeking a healthy relationship. Amazing!!

[@myapoise]

Does anyone else listen to these and go "faaaaa***k, I give up" !

[@Sylphide95]

Please make subtitles and translations, I want to share it with the world!!!

[@iulianaschnell1111]

You had me at "every fight and every fcuk" :))

[@janmerrills4183]

I am an English psychotherapist. I have over the years found Esther's wisdom invaluable when working with couple and often show her videos in my sessions. I cant put it better, so why try! It is always well received and opens the door for really meaningful conversations in the therapy room.

[@choose2behappy699]

Salaam alaikum and Shalom! Esther is an amazing intellectual women, who to my oppinion is bringing the classic thoughts backt to life, like family, social life, believing in one God and the meaning of sharing a life with someone we love. Al hamdulillah I have come across her!

[@EnigmeDeLaVie]

A very beautiful and insightful talk on modern relationships, namely on our new (recent) outlook, expectations and desires. Touching on the subjects that we rarely talk about and asking the necessary questions that we do not ask ourselves or others, she sheds a much needed beam of light on modern intimacy.

[@sabrinafantonii]

i'm currently 18, and i'm so happy to have stumbled across this video for i am the type of person who loves learning about personal growth through love !!

[@smokeylovesfire1589]

I think this so good that there needs ova Nobel Prize for this speech. I would also love a printed copy of this text. I keep starting this over to listen to it over and over! Just a brilliant speech!

[@eleveneleven572]

Men are sick of having to rebuild what women have deconstructed. It's just easier to concentrate on their career, building wealth, enjoying friendships, hobbies, sports, travel. Want sex ?....... just go to a bar on Friday or Saturday night. No need to marry and put everything you've worked for in the hands of a future divorce court in a no fault divorce.

[@joshuaehl1481]

wow, she really does get it.

19:00 she starts breaking into the #heforshee bullshit. A total Man bashing session and how wrong Men are and how they need to pussify themselves so that foreign Men can walk in and shit all over your country and your way of life. Men stay the course your Masculinity is yours alone. Ladies, ladies, work until you drop dead from exhastion and fatigue. I am a Man, I love the competition the hunt the chase and the focus in business that my instincts demand. I love my masculinity you can love your therapy sessions. MGTOW for ever.

[@beerman1957]

I find Esther very attractive. And it's all about how she treats people and how she helps people. She is a gift.

[@kebzy]

She is so wonderful. It’s like a gem that we have finally found.

[@MrHeimes]

26:57 What a coward, you would be slayin in hard times. Would you also cry if you had to go to war to defend your family from the evil of the world? Is this such a big deal that you cant handle and lead your relationship? This is horrible... If men focus on emotions our civilization is finished and thats what we are seeing right now... we sacrify our lives for our families and that responsability gives us meaning and joy. All we want is respect and apreciation for our work and woman in this times are so ungrateful.

[@irenevillalobos9552]

Stable ambiguity...wowwww

[@WahkeenaSitka]

Totally Right????

[@24G-p5r]

😪

[@peacefulpanda5990]

WOW. She's brilliant. She tore that issue up...extremely detailed.

[@gxbellca]

Esther, I'd sure like to hear you and Oprah discuss views on modern relationships.

[@rjvtechnologies]

miss perel says monogamy now is just one partner at one time, implying that monogamy is or should be having as the first partner their first relationship attempt forever which is impossible, the issue is being honest with one self without becoming fickle, narcissistic, unrealistic in any expectations that may only exist in ones mind and not in reality, since is impossible to people compete with others dreams, often those dreaming depart those living in reality chasing that better deal...

[@StephJ0seph]

In a world where there are more people on Earth than there have ever been prior to now, there are more people reporting their feelings of loneliness more than ever before.

[@beatriceshanyisa5894]

here in Africa we still live in the village mindset where your business is everybody's' business, once you are married everybody is on your case same as when you break up, they will give you reasons to get married and remain married regardless, not to mention that some of these marriages have ended up in fatalities.... i have watched her videos back to back and wished i was told these things the the way she puts it... she has a way of playing around with words to drive the point home.

[@lynngriesemer4940]

Brilliant mind; excellent insights. Thank you Esther!

[@virginiayoussef]

Lovely talk Esther, you r very eloquent and highly knowledgable about the topic, it gives trust in you and confidence to the listener. I take these words of jewel from your talk so that everyone can reflect on them. “If we are going to work towards true equality between men and women, we will have to help women find power and voice equally as we will help men to be able to share their heart and vulnerability.” “Stable ambiguity in a relation is that it is enough to feel we are together so that we are not alone but at the same time free enough not to feel committed." “The lives of women will not change until men have the opportunity to examine, define and change their lives." & I would love to end with this:- “In our secularized society, we have basically taken romantic love to replace the role of religion, many times we look at our partners to give us transcendence, meaning, ecstasy and wholeness, all these things that we used to look for in the perfect world of the Divine."

[@sharonjoan9997]

The lives of women will not change unless the men come along- perfect!

[@kirstinstrand6292]

I'm not sure men understand these words. Boys were raised to ignore their feelings...and so were girls, too, sometimes. However. females have an innate ability to relate. Until males open up to their feelings, relationships will not be equally experienced in a truly balanced manner.

[@mgu1N1n1]

Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!

[@ironmaniatiko]

Ok. I have listened to this woman for one month. Plenty of times. I learned a lot of her presentations and have seen that again and again. I have no surprize. But despite i know her already, i cryed here. My first tears watching youtube vid.

[@Christine-shield]

One of the most insightful persons we have on this earth. Thank you for Esther.

[@queensigal]

Couples therapy doesnt work. Each person has to work on themselves.IMHO

[@jayanthonywillis3048]

eh? you missed the entire point

[@ninasworld1785]

Esther is fantastic. I don’t have enough words how much I admire her in every way. She definitely is my role model and a gift to the world. Bless her always.

[@candacecastro1]

"Stable ambiguity" - LOVE that description!

[@musicsnob4226]

It's so amazing that somebody has so much love and empathy that come from such a history of pain and suffering and end up doing so much. Some people may think that it is horrific for me to say but if that horrible thing has never happened then you essentially would not have happened and it's everywhere if you look like that. Everybody really does have a purpose and thank God that you found yours.