Esther Perel | Modern Love and Relationships | SXSW 2018

[@DrTune]

11:40 "Very often in a couple there is one person who is more in touch with the fear of losing the other, and one person who is more in touch with the fear of losing themselves - one person more afraid of abandonment, and one more afraid of suffocation". Ooof that hit home...

[@Tomino1302]

"Relationships are our story, write well and edit often" What a mind blowing saying!!

[@SaystheTruth3]

Yes perfect!

[@NicolineNDahl]

I'm only 23 and I'm so grateful i stumbled upon her about a year ago, before entering adulthood for real. She made me realize what I can be okay with (and not be okay with) in a long-term committed relationship. Every millennial needs to listen to her. She's so radical, beautiful and insightful. Her husband and sons are lucky people to have her in their everyday lives

[@sazzlepop321]

Nicoline Noerskov wish I discovered her at your age! I feel awakened now!

[@SuperNashum]

Indeed. We enter the relationship young without the clear idea what is ok and what is not. And as a result suffer from abuse, manipulations and lies believing it’s just a temporary passage or simply to recognizing these destructive patterns as such.

[@StephJ0seph]

Not radical in the political way though... (Thankfully)

[@jamesblack9499]

Women don’t find a feminine man attractive .....they find caveman attractive ....be a caveman

[@philomenapeterson1790]

I'm 65 and so grateful to have discovered her ! Godh!

[@SaundaryaLahari]

"Many of these things are not problems that we have to solve, but these are paradoxes that we have to manage." LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!!

[@mtjohnson65]

Me too!! I can't believe that I did not know about her!

[@Soulshine60]

She is a phenomenal speaker

[@sazzlepop321]

‘These are not problems that we need to solve but paradoxes that we need to manage’ - hit the nail on the head

[@vasillir]

What an amazing display of the English language. Well chosen powerful words like a razor. You can see how she enjoys saying them. Such a strong delivery of many of the difficult questions and ideas. Well done.

[@dannyallegra]

There is no emoji to express my admiration for this woman. I've followed her for a while, read her first book, listen both seasons of her poadcast... for me, she is the one with the best insights about relationships. She is for us today what philosophers were for the ancient Greece: the smartest person to go to for wise advise.

[@Shark-Malark]

D. N. Agreed! Psychotherapy for anyone in pursuit of a meaningful life as a human being

[@MichL_71]

She makes sense, but have you applied her lessons and found then beneficial?

[@JohnBedson]

"advice"

[@lindaejimadu3996]

@@JohnBedson .

[@JohnBedson]

@@lindaejimadu3996 .

[@jennifermelton9598]

“Relationships are your story. Write well, and edit often.” ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@tinah34]

Esther’s work is groundbreaking....she’s truly a pioneer in the field of modern psychology. Her public talks continue to get richer and richer in content and context. Love her and the work she shares with the world

[@lexie02jones25]

Yesssss

[@dannyallegra]

19:43 😢 what she just said, OMG!!! Women and men working together to free each other and themselves! I ❤ you, Esther!!

[@willneverforgets3341]

I agree, feminism needs not to be a war to fight against men, but it should be a change that has to be made by both men and women together.

[@iamsheefa]

@@willneverforgets3341 ce

[@mandycjamieson]

If you’ve never invested just one hour to understand yourself, your culture and your relationships, then let this SXSW talk be that ONE hour.

[@DD-ry3zg]

In SXSW 2018, this keynote speech from Esther Perel opened a new door to me. It's not about the newest technology; it's not about the big conflicts in the world; it's about the new meaningful & deep relationship we are facing in our life as the first time in human history; it's about the isolation and loneliness we are facing in the modern life by living in our individual places. Humanity is one thing we don't talk much but every single of us is suffering the lack of deep relationships which makes us to question ourselves badly. It's the time to talk open, to learn from each other, to team up and support each other and face the new challenge of building the true relationship in the future! Thanks Esther for being here and share the awareness of love and relationship.

[@joeldwest]

Ruohai Wang find me

[@FranklinDSchmidd]

"The Quality of our Relationships determines the Quality of our Life" (31 minute mark)

[@tabbyp4754]

For the first time, at 34, I've finally realized what feeling secure means. At 34, I finally understand what setting boundaries means. At 34, I finally understood that's it's ok to have a fight but to talk about it after, which is healthy. At 34, I finally FINALLY undstersand what love is. At 34, I started to love myself so that I can truly love the man I just started dating. Thank you, Esther.

[@ProstyjaSlovy]

She is incredible! I stumbled upon her TED talk and can't stop listening to her now :)

[@lexie02jones25]

Same

[@cherieelliot8938]

Same here only wish I would of found her long ago

[@anewloveofficial9137]

Every couple should listen to this, if you're struggling with your relationship, it's about time that you make a move for change. Consider the things that you really love about your partner, and correct those things that is giving you burden in the relationship. You have the power to save your relationship, and do it as early as possible.

[@VanessaSimon26]

A New Love Official truth. So many males that don’t want sex and HURTS THE RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE. How did this happen? For years.

[@jameskempf2581]

She is a time traveler... understanding the dynamics of past relationships and how it clashes with today relationships is mind blowing! Bravo !

[@beerman1957]

I find Esther very attractive. And it's all about how she treats people and how she helps people. She is a gift.

[@timjones7547]

I was married twenty years and have been divorced 20 years. I have wanted a relationship for so long; thanks to Esther I feel that I finally have the knowledge and tools to make that, or more precisely, let that happen...

[@janmerrills4183]

I am an English psychotherapist. I have over the years found Esther's wisdom invaluable when working with couple and often show her videos in my sessions. I cant put it better, so why try! It is always well received and opens the door for really meaningful conversations in the therapy room.

[@DrUnatiDrMHealthCorner]

I'm watching Esther everyday. This whole COVID-19 time made me connect with myself. Learning more on relationships, forgiveness, self development and business. I'm so grateful ❤️.

[@msplop]

"...what you want is a beautiful thing and it shouldn't be the exception..." 💗 I felt that!

[@Paulmazuk]

I just learned of her from School of Life and thought to look up further. Her no bullshit approach is so refreshing. I watched the full talk, and the Q&A session also brought so much insight and forced me to interrogate how I do things in my own relationships. 23 year old from South Africa

[@lumyb9064]

What conclusion did you reach?

[@oagengmsiza5760]

I'm also glad I found out about her.

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

I listen to as many as Esther's blog posts as I can. I have found many pertinent take-away's. I see her speaking to many "younger" people who appear to want to know how to find and manage a relationship. As a 68-year old married to a 74-year old husband with early cognitive decline many new questions arise and the old roles have changed. Talk about a "paradigm change" that needs to be managed.... I would like to hear her talk about this latter stage of married life and the challenges and needs at this stage.

[@elysia4982]

Relationships, people, they are your story. Write well. And edit often.

[@averal169]

@@jordanallen8420 I should've hired a private eye years ago, it would've saved me years of heartbreak and finally walking away from my cheating husband, I had suspicions but never had proof. Good on you.

[@johnk4934]

Forgive much. Laugh often, honestly without cruelty.

[@femininemystic777]

Yes, "Write well. And edit often." Very important words by Esther! Thank you!

[@tanyahibbert8266]

I have been listening to you, Esther, for about 2 months now and thanks to KZbin that I found you as I wasn't looking for anything specific (intuitive algorithms perhaps) but I am happy and grateful that I did. You gave me permission and the vocabulary to say to my husband what I wanted to say for such a long time but didn't know how to without sounding like a victim. I hope that you continue to do the work that you do because we as a society need people like you. Thank you ❤

[@360.Tapestry]

i'm inspired. she cuts through the bullshit without being cutting

[@ironmaniatiko]

Ok. I have listened to this woman for one month. Plenty of times. I learned a lot of her presentations and have seen that again and again. I have no surprize. But despite i know her already, i cryed here. My first tears watching youtube vid.

[@ninaslifejourney]

Esther is fantastic. I don’t have enough words how much I admire her in every way. She definitely is my role model and a gift to the world. Bless her always.

[@kebzy]

She is so wonderful. It’s like a gem that we have finally found.

[@elyseredwine233]

She really is a gift to all people in one & people seeking a healthy relationship. Amazing!!

[@martynakumka5175]

The answer to the question about Ultimatum: how great was that? Perfect.

[@lucas2411]

Esther your eyebrows are almost as good as the amazing insight that you have given me of myself and just how short my shortcomings in my relationships have been. Thank you!

[@409raul]

Thank you God, for sending us Esther Perel.

[@bmorefriendly]

“when you write a letter, you are with yourself and the other person”

[@CikisHelyzet]

"There is no Victor Secret.. so we all know where the responsibilities have lain." *cheers!* ... love you, Esther!!

[@philipcox6879]

"For you, my beloved, I will delete my apps" 😂 That section would make great tongue-in-cheek wedding vows.

[@anthanykrebs3586]

Hahahaha ... So true & funny... But, what does that say about where we are today ... Shew... :-/

[@adeleforgey1872]

😀

[@WahkeenaSitka]

this is so true and utterly hysterical. i'm in a new relationship of 3 months, and i deleted / deactivated all the online dating websites...

[@shumetesam7407]

Ya😂😂😂

[@saschaspring2198]

Just ended a relationship because he WOULD NOT DELETE THEM AND STILL ASKED WOMEN OUT ON THEM!!! It's funny but sorrowful at the same time. May the insight grow ....

[@philomenapeterson1790]

Wow. The quality of relationships is the quality for life

[@musicsnob4226]

It's so amazing that somebody has so much love and empathy that come from such a history of pain and suffering and end up doing so much. Some people may think that it is horrific for me to say but if that horrible thing has never happened then you essentially would not have happened and it's everywhere if you look like that. Everybody really does have a purpose and thank God that you found yours.

[@smokeylovesfire1589]

I think this so good that there needs ova Nobel Prize for this speech. I would also love a printed copy of this text. I keep starting this over to listen to it over and over! Just a brilliant speech!

[@HP_____]

"Instead of problems to solve, we have paradoxes to manage." Such an eloquent way to put it!

[@sabrinafantonii]

i'm currently 18, and i'm so happy to have stumbled across this video for i am the type of person who loves learning about personal growth through love !!

[@angiechlebak1247]

Esther your insight is too be admired for lack of a better word. I am so glad God and you agreed on your path, this is definitely what fulfilling your purpose looks like. I have known all of these things to be true but I could never ever have put them into such an eloquent, funny and serious way as you do. absolutely amazed and love listening to this lecture over and over.

[@EnigmeDeLaVie]

A very beautiful and insightful talk on modern relationships, namely on our new (recent) outlook, expectations and desires. Touching on the subjects that we rarely talk about and asking the necessary questions that we do not ask ourselves or others, she sheds a much needed beam of light on modern intimacy.

[@tamargain7103]

It is time, we must all heal.... our selves, our relationships, our families... thank you Esther... thank you for coming to the US and Bless YOU

[@rattengodhiambo4727]

Esther is an embodiment of brilliance, eloquence, and beauty. It is hard resisting the temptation to love her.

[@Kiwi-cn9cg]

Esther Perel, you're so wise, so sharp in your analysis, a guru of relationships.🔝

[@shield-sc]

One of the most insightful persons we have on this earth. Thank you for Esther.

[@roxypredescu6599]

Paradoxes that we need to manage..Thank you, Esther!

[@saelaverdad8183]

I absolutely love the way she communicates with people and the way she teaches. She actually reminds me of a teacher I had in Germany.

[@citizenofvirginity]

The messages and topics mentioned in the talk directly and indirectly affect almost all entities of our modern society today. I wished I were there!

[@zackandlime]

Esteher outchea saving couples and relationships one talk at a time! This woman should be sainted / knighted. 👌

[@JadenFox]

Brilliant! Phenomenal clarity of the big issues we all dance in with our intimate relationships!

[@lorengutierrez3736]

She is the goddess of relationships, hands down! I am trying to get my teenage daughter to listen to her. There is so much heartache to be saved. She’s incredible! Words come so easy to her. She’s really the relationship GURU of this century. I can only dream of one session with this master and I’m sure it would be life changing. It’s on my bucket list. She is so inspirational. How does she make so much sense? I follow her and she does not miss a beat. Doesn’t matter your background or upbringing, she’s always on point. My dream is to meet her one day.

[@virginiayoussef]

Lovely talk Esther, you r very eloquent and highly knowledgable about the topic, it gives trust in you and confidence to the listener. I take these words of jewel from your talk so that everyone can reflect on them. “If we are going to work towards true equality between men and women, we will have to help women find power and voice equally as we will help men to be able to share their heart and vulnerability.” “Stable ambiguity in a relation is that it is enough to feel we are together so that we are not alone but at the same time free enough not to feel committed." “The lives of women will not change until men have the opportunity to examine, define and change their lives." & I would love to end with this:- “In our secularized society, we have basically taken romantic love to replace the role of religion, many times we look at our partners to give us transcendence, meaning, ecstasy and wholeness, all these things that we used to look for in the perfect world of the Divine."

[@biaggi150]

This woman is amazing, her understanding and sense of humour are completely endearing. Assuming English is not her first language her vocabulary is impressive too, so pleased I found her doing her Ted Talk.

[@FloorMaassen]

Esther, I would really love to see you talk about modern love and relationships with Jordan Peterson. I love your talks but I would love discussion about the topic. Thank you so much!

[@tamargain7103]

among all the other issues that have come out of being in a pandemia, relationships is one of them, and it is just one other area that we all need to change. If we keep/handle doing things the same way we will continue to have the same result. This is for everything... so I TOTALLY COMMEND ESTHER for sharing her expertise and ability to communicate to us all , I am a total fan!

[@choose2behappy699]

Salaam alaikum and Shalom! Esther is an amazing intellectual women, who to my oppinion is bringing the classic thoughts backt to life, like family, social life, believing in one God and the meaning of sharing a life with someone we love. Al hamdulillah I have come across her!

[@Lichfeldian--Suttonian]

Ester, this is truly GOLD! This has been my message to may family for over 30 years! Finally, someone truly understands the struggles that both men and women go through.

[@pistolen87]

The ultimate goal in this individualistic society is to be as independent and self sufficient as possible, making love harder to achieve.

[@ap-mm2xj]

"Many of these things are not a problem that we have to solve, but these are paradoxes that we need to manage" WOW

[@peacefulpanda5990]

WOW. She's brilliant. She tore that issue up...extremely detailed.

[@marleylab51]

She is such a wise and amazing speaker. I am learning more from her than alll the years I've spent in therapy. Thank you,Ms. Perel.

[@beatriceshanyisa5894]

here in Africa we still live in the village mindset where your business is everybody's' business, once you are married everybody is on your case same as when you break up, they will give you reasons to get married and remain married regardless, not to mention that some of these marriages have ended up in fatalities.... i have watched her videos back to back and wished i was told these things the the way she puts it... she has a way of playing around with words to drive the point home.

[@alfonsoalmodovar4361]

This knowledge can save humanity from failing to realize its full potential. Literally.

[@obsederessa2487]

she looks like Meredith Grey, from Grey's anatomy.

[@nato2panama]

"For most of history the soulmate meant God." In other words, we replace God with an imperfect, limited human being. I think this is a very important point. Would anyone want to guess why?

[@femininemystic777]

Relationships may lead to "transcendent experiences" momentarily. No person can take the place of the Transcendent Other however you describe the Numinous experiences of the Universe! This is just one comment.

[@toddjenest3212]

I have never heard this before; soulmate = God? A soulmate has nothing to do with religion. I believe it has more to do with a strong karmic connection. A magical, mystical, unexplainable, mind blowing connection.

[@femininemystic777]

@@toddjenest3212 Study the mystics of any religion. and then study Thomas Moore's book, "The Soul of Sex." Explore and delve more deeply into the connection of "God"- Soul- Sex- Soulmate, then decide what your conclusions are. Enjoy the journey!

[@TroyMountain]

@@toddjenest3212 Karma's a notion taught to the West by Indian Hinduism-- a religion.

[@toddjenest3212]

@@femininemystic777 I hope there's lot of pictures! LOL I don't base my opinions from books, they are from personal journeys.

[@Arlene-p7g]

❤ this is true, i personally also follow the common trend of neglecting "reLationship".And before we can truly build improvement or stay and maintain lovingly to all that is enough. Also , we are not to make men detach from what women needs such as crying, embracing. I agree to our dear mam Esther Perel,this is what i will also stand with mam Esther, please do not distort or destroy to both young male and young female, this is the foundation of each human to their complete well being❤

[@madamh9695]

Relationships are your story, write well and edit often.

[@tulsalien]

yeah i needed this. thanks to all who made it possible to listen to esther on youtube too ❤

[@sharonjoan9997]

The lives of women will not change unless the men come along- perfect!

[@kirstinstrand6292]

I'm not sure men understand these words. Boys were raised to ignore their feelings...and so were girls, too, sometimes. However. females have an innate ability to relate. Until males open up to their feelings, relationships will not be equally experienced in a truly balanced manner.

[@gilliethelele8921]

Esther is great and a Gift to us in our relationships!

[@GR-rk2fi]

thank you for putting emphasis on letters as I love letters and love to write with people that are important in my life. Some people love it, too, but some just can't get it and it is good to hear that you also see a quality in it! Also, some people suffer from trauma and manage to not die, others mange to live and thrive. You have such a great way of expressing things beautifully and simple together!!! 💙

[@StephJ0seph]

In a world where there are more people on Earth than there have ever been prior to now, there are more people reporting their feelings of loneliness more than ever before.

[@matushka78]

Her choice of words is very deliberate. That's why it sticks the landing you cannot forget once you've heard it

[@rael2099]

Thanks Esther for providing more red pill content for us, men. Relationships are no longer a necessity for men knowing how easily women rationalize not to commit to one.

[@gxbellca]

Esther, I'd sure like to hear you and Oprah discuss views on modern relationships.

[@cpreston4935]

Yes, time for Esther Perel, in deep conversation with Jordan Peterson. Can’t wait.

[@maryantoinettepreciousrubi4639]

Her talks are inspiring and mind opener for me.

[@ratulbalabiswas7774]

This is the first time a talk made this much sense

[@joshuaehl1481]

wow, she really does get it.

[@zebulunpenielpraiseb]

So brilliant thanks Ester great topic relationships are fundamental part that we are loosing the connection due to our technology.Thanks again...

[@stayseee1]

the most profound words I have ever heard- I love her

[@paulbelfrage876]

Magnificent!!!...She's nailed it again! Go Esther!

[@mreszotnik]

Well, well I must admit - I like how Esther gives a correct definition of patriarchy and understand what it truly is and has been throughout human history. These days so many people demonify it, instead of recognizing it for what it truly was - a system born out of necessity and different living conditions when we had to fight each day for our very survival. When I hear young people claiming that patriarchy was all pure evil, I hear people who are completely ignorant of history and cannot appreciate the fact that today we stay on the shoulders of giants - who had been often wrong, but thanks to their mistakes and lessons from there we can be what we are now. Is patriarchy an outdated model of social hierarchy? Yes. Should we change this model? Definitely. But if we do not appreciate it for what it had been and destroy each and every aspect of it we risk losing also all the good things that it contributed to - sense of belonging, community, stability, predictability in a chaotic world. And this is not something I will sign up for.

[@mayaportland8805]

a fast solution for improving intimacy is looking in each others eyes more and slow kiss your partner every day. You're welcome!

[@iamenough6958]

Hummmmmmm If that's their love language Not a cookie cutter fix

[@jackieblue04]

I tried this (and so much more) and my partner would look away. I worried for months that we would be over soon. He downloaded dating apps.

[@DanaDelikatmua]

I need Esther in my pocket so I can have her by my side at all times!!

[@alanarcher5954]

Well, I've been listening to a few different people, and been taking a 7 week course on marriage, and I've been reading a lot of books, and let me tell you she's got some good stuff going on, some very good stuff! Very happy look forward to hearing more I'm going to start looking for all her stuff!

[@AparnaKhanolkar]

Esther you are a gift to us all. Thank you 🙏🏽 love your podcasts.

[@ezrabamulikulwaki8273]

Thx alot ,its really helpful

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

Esther transends time... cannot thank you enough! but i will try... thank you, Esther!

[@matildamaher2650]

You are an amazing lady. Everyone must get to watch your video.

[@chrislecky710]

Its tough to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it also creates permanent closure if you realise your partner is not willing to change to stop hurting you... These Strategies are developed from previous bad experiences yet they are the fairest and most mature way to address relationships because if you loved someone enough to get with them you should also love them enough to give your relationship the best chance its got to thrive...is that not what a genuine commitment is meant to be?? Therefore if you had the benefit of the doubt once already its a good idea to remove any further expectations after that...

[@NiinaSKlove]

- Write well, and edit often. - Well said.

[@chasingclouds7101]

Wow, what a brilliant lady. I'm in love with her.

[@charlesastle2077]

i am a math type but you esther perel and William c reich are the most brilliant minds I have ever ready

[@candacecastro1]

"Stable ambiguity" - LOVE that description!

[@CallieSYR]

Always succinct. The perfect go-to for background listening..

[@mariamkinen8036]

Under the circumstances I'm in , I want no relationships . I choose solitude although I do miss my own child. Wish a new beginning; a second life. You speak from your inner experience n light.

[@33Jenesis]

Love Esther. Her teaching is current and introspective. Listen to all her talks and read all her books. My take away is that relationship is hard. I’d better make myself better and healthier first. Also, it takes two of similar minds to walk towards similar goal or destination. There’s no point to force a partner who’s not in on it.