Incoherent rant about lesbianism

[@sopchka]

WHY IS GIRL SITTING IN A CLOSET?? ISTG IS THIS A METAPHOR OR SM??

[@OddlingCore]

@@sopchka true poetics is both the form and function of closet recording

[@nightcrawler8864]

@@sopchka this comment is really killing me😭😭

[@valleyofthedolls]

😂😂😂

[@JaedaBassi]

🤣🤣

[@bestboisoupsoup]

Queerness is a metaphor for adequate room acoustics

[@ebaser8055]

My fav genre of videos on yt is literally just girls yapping for half an hour with no montage about the most relatable things ever. I get you girl

[@arcadiaberger9204]

Agreed. Someone baring her soul to the world because she doesn't want to talk about it with her friends (or more often these days, doesn't have this kind of friend) is a powerful experience.

[@emma-fv9js]

Same

[@LordVader1094]

You mean what KZbin used to be, essentially

[@undyingtome]

Incredible genre wow

[@oogabooga2744]

This!!

[@Micahlastnameredacted]

“its weird to find out you like girls, its even weirder to find out you dont like boys” i get thisssssss

[@smellydonut5088]

A NOTE TO THE BI GIRLS: Even if y'all are bisexual, doesn't mean you HAVE to date men! Plenty of bi gals exclusively date women and are perfectly happy :)

[@eg4441]

there's only one guy i've felt crazy about and he's so violently bisexual it's funny. like of course the man i get feelings for is attracted to the most sturdy and buff men ever. i shared a bed with this guy multiple times and he never once disrespected me or tried. he don't feel that way towards me but that's ok cause when i think about it i don't think i could ever get over him having a dick lmao i want a lady in my life so bad now

[@Bella-od4pb]

THIS! THANK YOU 🙌

[@justalittlesane]

It's important to note that not every single bisexual wants a romantic relationship with a woman. Isn't suggesting that they exclusively date women, kind of like asking them to suppress their feelings towards men, whether their attraction to men is physical, romantic, or both? The bisexual women who exclusively date women are probably homoromantic. Their dating pattern may not align with those who are heteroromantic. This is probably a problematic take, but I actually think there are more heteroromantic bisexual women than homoromantic ones, but that's just my opinion.

[@smellydonut5088]

@ IDK how you read my comment and assumed that I stated that it was an imperative for bi women to date women only. Everyone has free will and has the ability to make conscious choices about who they date, thats what I'm saying.

[@lilguyy93]

honestly part of the way i realized im trans is because im bisexual but frequently get called a lesbian bc i look “like a stereotypical lesbian” & primarily date women.

[@TheBloggi]

girlyis straight out of 2010 vlogs, i love it

[@RoxanneSturgis]

aint nothing straight about her

[@blamethebillionaires]

This does look like it was recorded in 2010😂

[@linlinn_png]

omg I totally get the part about wanting men to like you. like I'm not even a lesbian, I'm asexual but it's still like there's some internalized pressure to "find men attractive" it's really weird and kinda fucked up because when I really think about it, I know that I dont really wanna be intimate with a guy

[@RhythmAddictedState]

I'm ace, and same. I really want to turn off the "I want men to like me" mentality because it takes up so much mental space and it's tiring, and I don't even like men that much. I don't even want to get into a relationship with ANYONE, boy or girl. It feels like I've been brainwashed and it irritates me.

[@amelia-hx8xn]

OMFG this. I had no idea how to express this, or who to talk to about this but it’s finally being said. I hate my hair long and want it cut, want to dress more masculine, but have this exact thing holding me back. I feel like I’m worthless and less of a woman if I present outside of the norm and beauty standards, and feel a need to impress or be attracted by men, even when I have never loved one. It’s so odd!!

[@australianctzen]

Wow this exactly describes me atm. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m ace, and furthermore, my interest in men dwindles daily (not that I had much to begin with). But I still get hung up on wondering if men find me attractive or datable, even if I don’t want to date them. It’s so strange-I really wish I could just stop those thoughts from popping up but we really have been conditioned into it.

[@arcadiaberger9204]

When she said that, I remembered a conversation I had with a bisexual woman I was asking out. I asked her directly if there was something she got from men that she didn't get from women (I'm bisexual myself, and have my own reasons for being with men). She gave me the sweetest, childlike smile and chirped, "I like dick!"

[@dolphin7282]

Are you kidding me I just got off the fone with my Best friend talking about this. I'm ace , agender and around yet I remember feeling the peer pressure in middle school to date or like guys

[@rosa-zh9sx]

lately all my coworkers have been straight women and i swear they spend all day talking about men 😭maybe if i were around other lesbians i would do the same abt women but its so overwhelming to me like cant we talk about the weather or sth 😭its just so unrelatable to me and i feel so isolated and awkward every time it comes up (which is most of the time), like theyre looking at me waiting to be like yass hes so hot 😭

[@meikoluvv]

Me but my ex friend group was with non-men and gay men at campus - they were all attracted to guys and that’s all they’d repetitively joke about. It’s the same in the other end. I wish I could find lesbian friends 😿

[@lsbttyl]

Most straight women I've met love to talk about men, for some it's as if their only topic of conversation could be about them. At my last work it was sort of the same for me, my coworkers would spend all day talking about men, they never really asked me about men because I'm a masc so it was obvious I didn't like them, but it was tiring to hear them talk about the same thing over and over again Also, in my group of friends we're all lesbians or bisexuals and believe me, we don't talk about women as much as straight women talk about men

[@rustledjammies8769]

@@lsbttyl It's funny because straight women stereotype straight men talking about and being obsessed the opposite sex when in fact the opposite is true. The majority of straight men rarely talk about women whereas the majority of straight women will not stfu about men...

[@notreal9214]

CANT WE TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER!!!

[@bri_stephens]

because unfortunately a lot of women centre their whole lives around men

[@ごめんなさい-g7b]

This is the most relatable piece of content the internet has ever graced me with

[@cxlev01]

nah fr, right when i started contemplating again too 😭

[@gustive6641]

Same

[@fawnlor]

i definitely agree with being kinda detached to femininity despite being a very feminine straight-passing girl. i wish i could relate to the general female experience more if that makes sense

[@AZ-sh2zx]

You are a female. Whatever experience you're having is part of female experience

[@JeevansworId]

Yeah

[@elizalynn227]

oohh your last sentence makes perfect sense. because it’s not that i don’t feel like i’m a girl, i just don’t relate to what everyone else feels like being a girl. dealing with gender identity as a lesbian is a whole other can of worms that seems kinda fascinating if you really get into it.

[@kimberlymyung6469]

same, I always feel like I'm playing a game of catch-up when looking "like a girl" even though I'm cis.

[@jordan-tg6nx]

YES. exactly. i dress very stereotypically feminine & everything but i've always felt like femininity is something i'm trying to reach, not necessarily something i am

[@Glitchy00000]

Please never delete this, it’s so real

[@unicorncurry317]

no you're totally making sense to me. realizing you don't like men is a whole box of fuckery on it's own. I realized i didn't like men when i was 14 but it's really something i went through as a teenager (i'm 19 now). it's a weird feeling, and you also feel weird yourself, and you're isolated, and you're more different than you were before. Being a lesbian can feel very isolating. i was raised progressively which i'm really thankful for but the moments in my life where I was around other girls talking about boys and who they liked and asking who i like and you feel so disconnected from them AND when you're not out... that's psychic damage! I'll just feel like i'm missing something not being attracted to these guys, like i'm missing something from my brain and i'm not normal. even when i realized I was gay for the first time, I remember I was thinking about it, and when the lightbulb went off I just felt like "this is something i have to be for the rest of my life now and I'm going to have to deal with the reality of being in a socially marginalized group & the hardship that comes with it." obviously i didn't think that all verbatim, that's just how i felt put into words. And i was like 13! no one should have to deal with that, like "whelp i guess I have to be apart of this social group now. shit" It's so fucked how misogyny messes with the brains of women and with lesbians, like there's no reason anyone should have to trick themselves into thinking they like men so much that they enter relationships with someone they feel no real attraction to because it's "how we're supposed to be". they go together often, but realizing that femininity and being attracted to men are not intrinsically linked has been really important for me. I hope you can come out to your mom one day and live the best lesbian life you can.

[@user-rq2vg6gg4z]

I get this so much

[@Ella-cz4yl]

I’m not straight and girl I get you. 🩵

[@prettypinkblunt]

Same honestly, it’s so weird because I’ve always known I loved women and it’s only when I actively forced myself to start seeing a guy that I had to accept that there was nothing I could do to change that, I’m not attracted to guys. I don’t like when they touch me, I don’t find them attractive unless they look feminine and even then I wouldn’t want to sleep with them if it ever got that far. When I had to accept it it felt like I was grieving the life I was told I was gonna have my whole life, which is messed up because I never even wanted to get married and have kids but it was more than that. It’s like you said, it’s alienating. Idk if it has anything to do with me being neurodivergent or whatever but it’s like I was never taught that it’s okay to be a lesbian so I had to fight it even though I also was never really taught that it was wrong. I remember growing up I was always so frustrated when female characters on tv were all boy crazy (especially the very iconic slay hyperfem ones) because I genuinely did not feel that way even though at the time I didn’t really know being gay was a thing. I felt like I was being told that being a feminine girl meant you were inherently tied to men in a way. It’s gonna sound fucked up but having to accept my sexuality among other things felt like a death sentence almost? Like, you try so hard to overcome the things that make you different but the older you get, the more walls you hit and you realize that you can’t just “force yourself to be normal” to fit in, and idk it’s just hard. Idk if I make any sense at all but yeah, all that to say you’re not alone, I feel you and I’m glad I found this video because now I realize that I’m not alone in this

[@margot356]

our society wants us to always fall within one of two roles: masculine and feminine. when there is a masculine element, the society wants a feminine element to counter it ( and vice versa ). hence, a woman loving woman is very far from the most feminine thing - because loving women places the lover, the agent, in a societally masculine position. realizing that existence as a woman WITH attraction to women is a correct and true experience is a big step of existing the societal fact of lesbianism. you have to deconstruct your idea of gender roles! and that is SO hard! love you girl im a high school senior lesbian too its so crazy im in love with this girl halfway across the country

[@terizaw8148]

This is so genuinely well-said but to add onto that, I honestly think the gender roles are set there for capitalism too - how women are meant to stay at home and raise the next working generation whilst the men are out doing jobs (ergo leaving them in power too). Unlearning what society has programmed is difficult and I believe the process isn't linear since there's not a set goal to aim at, but I think outwardly loving who you want to love (regardless to what society says) is one of the most earnest ways to combat internalised homophobia/discrimination.

[@margot356]

@terizaw8148 oh absolutely! capitalism benefits from strict adherence to gender roles---all these systems are connected. doing what you truly want and loving who you love is actually a pretty radical act of anti-capitalism and anti-discrimination in my opinion. she also talks in the video about her feeling that like women are just sex-objects or wombs to men, and i think that when you acknowledge yourself as a lesbian you have to deal with the idea that you arent attracted to this ideal that has been upheld for so long: of being pregnant by a man, filling this role that seems inherent to womanhood. its so difficult but ends up being wonderful, loving who you want to

[@paytonw9640]

Beautifully said

[@hannahjones121]

@terizaw8148 I half-way disagree with what you said since removing half the population from the work force is in actuality an economic nightmare. It's just such a horrible idea that it only exists as a weird power fantasy rather than an actual beneficial work force plan. No fully functioning capitalist wants to cut the work force in half to improve the economy unless they have a goal outside of capitalist interests. What I 100% agree with though is that society programs people into believing a gender roll determines practically everything about you.

[@meumundosecreto7694]

@hannahjones121 I think what they meant is that men are the breadwinner in a family. Nowadays there are more women in the work market but when First Industrial Revolution happened, when women were working in factories they made less income than men. This precedent has followed to present day, where even if both genders have the same role in the same company, women have higher chance of having a lower salary.

[@ahdorbfidks]

YES “if i want to be friends with you i guess we have to date” is too real

[@paytonw9640]

3:57 “Nothin’s happening up here and NOTHIN’S happening down there”

[@maddieb7]

omfg i relate SO MUCH to the whole relationship w/ ur mom portion. like me and my mom have always been super close but after i realized i was lesbian i kinda realized how much ppl just assume everyone is straight bc we've had several conversations where shes talking about literally anything and shes like 'once you have a husband _____" and it just upsets me bc its pretty obvious to me that thats not happening lmao

[@Lillia-vr7up]

Me and my mom don’t really talk about like relationships or dating and stuff like that but one time like a year ago when I knew I was gay but denying myself for some reason 😭, me, my sister and my mom were talking about our “ future husbands” and then my sister asked what’s my type in boys and I was like umm no, then my mom started going on Pinterest and showing me pictures of boys and we were all joking and laughing about types and stuff but I was really like - I don’t even like any of them 😭 then, recently they asked me if I have ever liked a boy and i said no and idk I just feel like she’s expecting me to like one and I feel like she’s homophobic so I’m scared cause I can’t ever tell her 😔

[@gabrielasebbas2148]

Omg, same! My mom always talk about boys, or asks me when I’m going to get a boyfriend. Not just my mom, but everyone, people just assume that you’re straight, and it’s so annoying. In my mind I’m just like 🫥

[@Lillia-vr7up]

@@gabrielasebbas2148 omg same every time I go to my grandma she says that every time

[@DDD2323-z5i]

SORRY THIS IS SO LONGGG As a 21 year old lesbian I have thought these exact thoughts before, especially when I was in high school. I just wanted to add to the conversation of lesbianism and femininity. I always disliked being feminine because I thought looking more girly/womanly would make me more attractive to men (although I didn’t realize this at the time, it was something I had to figure out after high school) As I grew up and started working with queer coworkers and making queer friends it was way easier to come out and be viewed by others as a lesbian. Slowly I started becoming more feminine in the way I dressed and realized my I was suppressing that part of me because I thought I wouldn’t be taken seriously as a lesbian otherwise, or that I would be more attractive to men that way. Anyway, long story short, femininity from a lesbian perspective is very complicated and very fluid. My best piece of advice would be to not overthink it. Don’t focus on your femininity, focus on surrounding yourself with the right people and places. The more comfortable you feel in your own skin and the more confident you get in your lifestyle and friendships the femininity part with sort itself out. At lease that’s what it did for me. Hope this helps

[@bloodyprincessxx]

hi, i used to deal with that too. desperately wanting to come off a tomboyish, and rejecting anything that comes across as girly. like the color pink, purple, even green because i thought it was "too gender neutral." of course the same thing with skirts and dresses. my mom actually asked me in elementary school if i was a lesbian, because i had rejected all those things. i took offense to it, but i guess i see why now. perhaps my reasoning behind rejecting it is the same as yours? i've actually never heard any other explanation apart from this, so i'm curious. the funny thing is, the more comfortable i became with my sexuality/who i am, the more more feminine i began to dress as well. i wonder what the science behind it is. also, did you also hate going through puberty because your body would develop? i felt ashamed and like i had to hide it, possibly due to men's reactions of it. i just hate when people assume that in order to be a lesbian, you have to be masculine. and those who are feminine presenting get told "you're too pretty to be gay/only ugly women should be lesbians." men only value women if we are of use to them. if it matters at all, im an 18 year old first year in college 😅

[@ckscovers]

ur so right, realizing u dont like boys is so much weirder than realizing u like girls... i relate to a lot of what you said as well about femininity, i've always been a more masc girl since i was little so i grew up very disconnected with it, also thought about being a boy in middle school... life is all about figuring it out what u are and what u like, i wish you the best, boogerlover!

[@yaakarkad]

Yeah me too. Weirdly enough I’m happy about my disconnect to femininity as I feel many of the toxic beauty standards that are placed onto women don’t apply to me. Like, I’ll see a shampoo or makeup ad for woman and I won’t feel like it’s directed at me at all

[@t3g4nnn]

girl please make more of these, rants about literally anything bc i just watched this entire thing and didn’t even realize. the spiel about finding being friends with men very difficult because you feel the need to make yourself desirable for some reason, even when you literally want nothing romantic out of them is so relatable, and i thought i was the only one.

[@silkisnothere]

listening to this instead of studying for my english exam was a fun way to procrastinate. i'm a lesbian and like... i think you are my age? 17? yeah. this is very real.

[@bethanyjacobs6316]

Why am I doing the EXACT same thing right...

[@olivethesilly]

TWINNING LOL

[@Lillia-vr7up]

I’m doing this too 😔 pray for me

[@MoonAndStars17]

Biology for me but same

[@MoonshadethePastaShadow]

Also procrastinating! Have to finish a three paragraph essay and study for exams! Good luck to y'all btw!

[@OddlingCore]

This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever witnessed. Decenter men. Boys are fun to be friends with but as I got older I realized how much I have to compromise of myself and what I have to wade through to get down on their level and I recently woke up one day to find all my closest homies and in person friends are all gender queers gays and trans men. My life is great. Literally. Finally relief. I AM one of the bois.

[@manyyoumas]

EXACTLY this, what you said about wading down to get to their level. Too real. And can confirm the best male friends I’ve had also happen to be trans and/or queer. 🎉decenter men!🎉

[@janb92]

Boys weren’t even fun to be friends with for me. They were all so annoying and some even creepy at a young age. I wish I had a better experience.

[@eslaweedguygrey]

Bro I totally relate, as a bi man, with the experience of questioning if you were trans because of your feelings for the same sex. There was a non-significant portion of my life I thought I might be a trans girl because I wanted men to pay attention to me.

[@grwl1x]

this just rung so many bells in my head

[@stellanightsk]

I had a similar experience, but opposite. I couldn't figure out what was different about me, so I thought I was bi, because I didn't know about trans people or thought transitioning was impossible, but I just couldn't find guys attractive. I've since realized I'm actually just a trans lesbian :3

[@Dizzypyon]

6:42 This kind of experience is so interesting to me as someone who also went through it... Hearing that other wlws had the same misconceptions really shows how ingrained into the female/woman identity it is to be attracted to men. It's like "well I like girls, which is a masculine thing, so therefore I must be a man." It's pretty sad to me also because that's literally not how being trans works edit: 8:11 this bit as well really gagged me!!! YOU GET IT!!!

[@key1526]

lesbians have never been so relatable...... I'm aroace as far as i know and the not liking men thing fucking HITS. like no i dont think celebrities are hot, i dont even pay attention to stuff like that! im also pretty gender-non-conforming and i did think i was trans for like a year. just turns out i really hate societal expectations and stereotypes of women. i still dont "identify as a woman" because the idea of woman is so heavily coated in stereotypes that i find it hard to relate. but im in the middle of figuring out my gender/sexuality so we'll see what happens. Thanks for the video!

[@blastlightstar]

whatta mood. i'm nonbinary, but i have more of a _disconnect_ with my afab traits than any physical dysphoria, so really the strongest feelings i have towards that stuff is that i just hate being perceived as a woman because it feels like that's seen as a bad thing. i'm pretty sure that this isn't a normal way to think, and probably indicative of unresolved mental/social dysphoria. (i gotta remember not to assume my experiences are universal!) i kinda wish i was a trans boy, bc that seems to be much simpler than... whatever my nongender stuff is doing? and it's complicated! i don't know if i would be more comfortable in my skin if misogyny wasn't such A Thing, but idk, maybe i'd still be identifying as a demigirl. maybe in an alternate universe

[@blastlightstar]

(also aroace ✌️)

[@siralfred.cookie]

this is so real, I was so scared to call myself a lesbian, and its been so comforting suddenly seeing videos of other ppl having the same feelings as me, the 'holding back from telling guys im a lesbian' is so relatable, I literally almost cried bc one of my guy friends figured out I was a lesbian rlly early on and he (like a normal person) continued 2 be my friend, not once making me feel uncomfortable about our relationship, I still have that 'oh he's a guy and im a girl so...?' moments, ik its a habit I need 2 break, its just hard when ever since I was a little girl, ive been obsessed with being married to a man, and at 8 when I realized I liked girls, I told myself I cant because I have to like boys, and at 13 I gave myself the label 'Bi' bc that way I wouldn't have to think about my homosexuality. Im turning 18 In April and I still cry in the bath about the fact I don't have the ability to like men, Im not disgusted with me liking women, Im just upset the easy option has been taken away from me.

[@untalentedlatina8718]

The crying is so real :,,) I often think about how isolating it felt once I realized I was a lesbian. It's like suddenly you're excluded from, almost, the whole world-- because now your world doesn't revolve around men, in a male centered world.

[@jujulovescatss]

so relatable omg I confessed I had feelings for a girl to one of my guy best friends and was so scared how he react or if he would view/act differently but luckily it was all fine, but yess I always have those random thoughts when it's just the two of us that I'm a girl and he's a boy smth must happen or be going on ugh we will get through this, it just takes time! thank u sm for sharing 💗

[@tarynw5254]

oh em gee lesbians unite 🤝✨🧚‍♀

[@roses_are_rosie343]

Hiii

[@bloodyprincessxx]

hi hi

[@MauMocha]

I like violets /hj

[@Unfriendlymachine13]

🖤

[@blossom9510]

It's a common experience, for sure. When you said, "shouldn't the most feminine thing be woman-dating-woman?" I totally relate to that. I promise there's nothing wrong with you. This is the misfit feeling that every lesbian has to come up against at least once in their life. You can have a nice life dating or married to a woman, I promise you. But also, you don't "have to" come out to everyone in your life. I completely understand what you mean, being worried about your lesbianism being an inconvenience and having to confront family/coworkers, but you can keep your private life as private as you want. Gay tiktok and online culture puts a lot of premium on everyone coming out, in the name of being loud and proud, but there's also a lot of us who keep our relationships and our families separate. Its your business, and you can share it when and if you're ready, or never at all. You're the one in control of those boundaries, don't let anybody pressure you to the contrary.

[@flavi0li208]

omg the whole segment where you talked about being apprehensive to tell men your a lesbian for fear they just ignore you because they can’t have you really resonated with me. for some reason sometimes despite the fact that i do not like men when interacting with them i will put on a performance (e.g wearing more makeup higher pitched voice and not telling them i am gay) i didn’t know other lesbians had this struggle too however im getting better at being myself unapologetically. thank you so much for making this video Ella you have a new subscriber

[@sckmindfrud]

Why is it so hard for some women to admit they're bisexual? Why would a lesbian enjoy and go out of her way to receive a man's sexual/romantic attention?

[@sckmindfrud]

Why is it so hard for some women to admit they're bisexual? Why would a lesbian enjoy and go out of her way to receive a man's sexual/romantic attention?

[@nniiccollee]

girl im 28 watching this and i have felt this way for YEARS. one thing i must implore you to stop doing is telling yourself "there's something wrong with me" although i know it is supposed to be a joke. your subconscious hears that and will construct your reality and self concept around it. so start saying, "i am perfect and whole."

[@evaparkerr]

i wish i could be in a group chat with everyone in this comment section LMAO i’m 22 and just realized i like girls at 21… and have within the last year concluded i’m a lesbian. the hardest part for me is feeling like i’ve had no idea who i am for the greater part of my life lived… like i so seamlessly brainwashed myself into being straight and it was so easy because everyone played along just by assuming i was straight. i feel like i’ve been lying to myself for years without even realizing, but now that i understand it all i feel more ‘me’ than i ever have. such a weird thing to navigate but so comforting to hear other girls talk about it :))

[@yourlocalavocado2948]

right?? this whole comment section feels so validating. turns out a lot of the thoughts and experiences we think we're alone with are actually things a lot of other lesbians out there have dealt with and seeing everyone coming together under this little rant video is just :')) also congrats on finding and feeling more 'you'!

[@Shrekelpijagorda]

hey I'm 19 and always thought I was bisexual but recently this idea of me being a lesbian started to grow in my mind and I'm not really sure if it's real bc i have a boyfriend and I'm quite happy about it but also i wouldn't like him if he wasn't bisexual and pretty feminine ... how was your experience? like what made you realise what you actually liked? what do you think about your previous relationships with men? there's no pressure in answering btw i just think that hearing other experiences may help me

[@clapifsheshouldsuffer]

omg heyyy im 22 & realized i was a lesbian around 19 and im 100% content with the label but its still so weird for me to think about the person i was before. like i always personally knew i liked girls since like middle school but i really thought i liked guys too. but i genuinely just was brainwashing myself or something cause i really couldnt fathom being able to take men out of my life cause that would mean my whole world would change. its something i really wanna talk to a therapist about or something cause hiding in a mask for the majority of my life has definitely affected me in 1000 different ways. but so happy im not alone in it at least :')

[@clapifsheshouldsuffer]

@@Shrekelpijagordawhen i think about my previous relationships with men (i had like 3 back to back in high school😬) i feel really weird cause i didnt see much wrong with it at the time but i also wouldnt let myself truly think about the relationship and how i truly felt about it. like as much as i "loved" them, there was always something off & a looming presence in my mind saying that it was only temporary. i think i really just liked having the male attention & the feeling of being loved or obsessed over cause i was going through so much w family and needed an out. like i loved having them scoop me away from my issues but i didnt want them for life, i knew i wanted to marry a woman in the long run. its something still so odd to think about. but also all experiences are different & youre valid no matter what! queerness in any form is so amazing so dont feel pressured to label yourself or to fit in some box

[@meikoluvv]

Being in a friend group with men centered people is so isolating. Especially if that’s all the talk about 😭😭

[@Gabriel_Blair]

9:00 im an asexual guy but this is very relatable. i remember wanting to get socially closer with a female friend in middle school but the only way i knew i was supposed to have that was via a romantic relationship and it was weird and awful

[@gggibby05]

very recently realized i'm a lesbian and i relate to every single thing you said,,, so grateful this popped up on my recommended i lovedddd it

[@KIRIIRIK27]

As a lesbian who came out at 16 and had many of the same thoughts and feelings,this discussion made so much sense, and you are INCREDIBLY valid.❤

[@sayabaq]

regardless of sexuality i think men and women should start having platonic relationships. people are people and we all have masculine and feminine features in our personalities and lives so theres no point in gatekeeping friendships to gender. plus we would start understanding each other more. maybe embracing androgyny (not even in a romanticised or sexual or pretty way) would benefit all of us and we’d unpack the trauma these systemic gender boxes brought us :/ anyways this was so real, ive been thinking about this for a while now too turns out none of us are delusional or alone in this 💗

[@MsDrea]

I have guy friends

[@han_________nah]

i thought i was bi literally my entire 24 years of living until a couple months ago. it’s like my whole life makes sense now. those “why am i kidding myself” moments rly shine through. your explanation really resonated with me.

[@diablica8134]

Already had me at the title. This is the most relatable description of the lesbian experience I’ve heard.

[@getradicalized]

you are so real, i still don’t know if i’m a lesbian or not. I also struggle with social gender constructions. I do not feel like i “girl” in a group of girls who can girl even tho i pretty much look like a women if you know what i mean lol

[@Cam.1.1]

This video made my brain click in a way I can’t explain, you are so real for this

[@nathaliacotrim201]

it's so comforting to find someone who shares such a similar experienceeeeee

[@natlikesnoodless]

8:23 was so perfectly put i never thought of it like that THANK YOU. i just said today that i feel like liking a man is way less energizing than liking a woman and it makes a lot of sense why.

[@mariamariamari4]

the comfort of bisexuality, so relatable...at the end, marrying a woman would still be the ultimate dream, even if im married to a man

[@LeanneProteau]

SO beautiful! greatly articulated, your words are vibing through my core. thank you for sharing you’re soooo not alone omg queen 💗

[@deadbeatnaomi]

6:16 omg this is crazy hearing you say this because in grade 8 i also thought that i might be trans but i’ve since realized that i DO identify as a woman, just not with the “traditional” idea of femininity (aka what society says being a woman should look like). so for anyone that needs to hear it; disliking dresses/ tight clothing, being into sports, not shaving, not wearing make up, or liking women DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A WOMAN!

[@molls-indie]

Yeah this sounds like me when I was getting thoughts about being a lesbian. I identified as bi, and there was lots of back and forth. Lots of confusing girl crushes and relationships later, as well as reading the masterdoc and watching many queer movies… I’m a lesbian.

[@elizabethschweers9373]

i find it so refreshing to hear you speak candidly about your struggles with lesbianism because i remember feeling this way. I think making lesbian friends that you can be confident in your lesbianism with is the way forward for a lot of us because i now find pride in my lesbianism and i find it makes my relationships with men easier because there can be no confusion about being attracted to each other … but the confidence only comes if you let it

[@alicedeathbelle]

I saw an old anti-sjw meme thing that said “for a generation that doesn’t want to be put in a box, you really care about labels”. And I’m pretty sure it was a dig but they’re actually unironically right. We want to categorise ourselves to help identify ourselves to others. But in categorising ourselves, we lose the nuance to just be. I’ve questioned myself so much but I am what I am, nothing more nothing less. Im queer, I’m feminine and that’s really all I know about myself and that’s okay. I don’t need to know more

[@OttoD-cm3qv]

You are an artist and this is one of my favorite pieces of art, i say that in the fullest and most sincere way I can. Never connected to a video before like this one, my phone died halfway through and I gasped out loud and scrambled to get my charger. Idk how to say this but this feels sacred. Like the vulnerability of having someone relate their experiences to you. And even if to you it was just some random rambling that you posted bc you felt like you had to post something theres something so genuine and raw to this. And also like everything you’re saying is true and i GET IT!!! A lot of times i think people jumble up what they say a little bit on purpose to avoid being fully open about something bc they’re not entirely sure about it or about how it’l be received but like I get it girl, all of it the whole thing - say it with you chest!!! I’m a gay guy so obviously not the same thing but I still relate so much to this video. I feel like I know you, i feel like you’re a part of me that I carry. “Every individual is another version of you” and all that

[@OttoD-cm3qv]

Okay i just kept thinking about this and i dont feel like i fully expressed what i was feeling really well I’m pretty sure we’re like the same age - im 17 and its starting to hit me that im about to be a legal adult and im gonna go to college and start my career and have to get like a real adult job and move out - that my childhood is almost over. So ive just had more appreciation for like “adolescent” things lately, like talking n hanging out with my friends and worrying about tests and stupid drama and whatever, and I saw this self portrait that was painted in 1909 but it looked like a picture that someone i know would take in their mirror, and i just realized that like, even though this part of my life is short and fleeting, and I’m going to be leaving it soon, its existed forever and continues to exist, and Ive just been feeling this sense of like connection with humanity and people because these experiences tie us all together. And especially because each successive generation acts like the new one is always doing something subversive and new-fangled or whatever, but its just the same, and that doesn’t make it any less meaningful, to me it makes it more human and beautiful. And I don’t know, this video just felt like all of that to me.

[@cloveybabovey]

Hi, I'm 19 and I came out as a lesbian when I was like 8, I had one girlfriend for like a week and her family all were homophobic telling me to die and calling me the slur and she ended it instead of fightung and I think that really put me off. At least I could confirm I was fruity thoughhh. I was then in relationships with men only and a long term one too but I was never satisfied. I could never see myself growing old with a man and never truly happy but I'm also so scared to fall in love with a woman. My feelings for women are so invalidated by my family because I've only really dated guys and I feel like a part of me is hidden and I'm too much of a wuss to break out and try again. This video honestly helped validate so many feelings and I'm feeling a sense of hope so thank you for sharing. ⚘️

[@Squidbork]

this video actually had me almost crying, you made too much sense- like it's too real man idk being a lesbian is such an experience

[@bloomnbury7387]

I love it so much! The video, the girl's attitude, the chaotic energy. It's so so personal, yet universal. I wanna post like this too. KEEP POSTING BOOGERLUVRRR

[@Secretly_3_rats_ina_trenchcoat]

I feel like I found a treasure with this video and your channel

[@saffrith]

It is as if I am watching a younger version of myself. I had the same struggles with compulsory heterosexuality and with coming out to my family especially my mother. I am now out, living with the love of my life who is a woman :3 and my parents have simply had to come round to the idea. For me, making friends with queer people was a great step forward. At uni I had a guy best friend who I could trust completely and we openly talked about these expectations of relationships between men and women. The best moment was when he said how in our friendship, gender has never been something that’s a factor in how he views us. It really felt like we were just two people being besties and it felt very healing to trust a guy in that way :3

[@meh563]

Being a lesbian is so isolating. I’m literally the only lesbian I know irl lmao

[@pixie158]

I feel you :(

[@zinaak4194]

Algorithm pushed this on me 3 different times in two weeks, so I knew I HAD to watch it. Glad I did. Let's go lesbians!

[@an1ka-13]

OMG THE PART ABOUT CRUSHING ON BOYS YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH IS SO REAL BECAUSE IN 7TH GRADE I DIDNT THINK THAT IT WAS EVEN I CHOICE FOR ME TO BE LESBIAN I USED TO THINK I HAD A CRUSH ON THIS GUY IN MY CLASS BUT I WAS EXTREMELY REPULSED BY HIM BUT HE WAS FUNNY AND I WANTED HIM TO THINK I WAS FUNNIER

[@MargauxEinhorn]

there's no rush in figuring things out!!! and things can always change too, nothing has to be set in stone. coming from a 21 year old lesbian who also was confused until about 16

[@deadworm27]

this is the type of stuff i write in my journal 🙏 love to see it

[@smadaf]

I get a lot of this, in a lot of ways. Vocabulary has its use, but labels get us only so far and can be limiting. I'm glad you're sharing your thoughts here, because it gets me thinking in new ways about my own life.

[@urgrandma8757]

this video is literally every feeling i’ve had for the past 6 years oh my goodness i feel so seen

[@Jsjdjsjd869]

I had never felt so identified with someone's life on the internet

[@laurenfrasca4786]

hey i randomly stumbled upon this video in my recommended and as a fellow lesbian i have said almost these exact same sentences many times u r not alone at all! there r so many layers to it and its honestly confusing and difficult sometimes bc lesbianism is truly a very unique experience. it can be alienating EVEN within the queer community just bc of how many forces intersect (the patriarchy, comphet, internalized shit, relatability to other women, stereotypes, etc) but just know there are other lesbians who feel the exact same way

[@Spingus_Rongong_III]

If this is on your recommended, you are officially obligated to watch it through, because you are LUCKY to have this queen on your feed.

[@junabugz]

this is the realest video i’ve found on youtube I love you

[@krichur]

This is so relatable I have so much to unpack... i literally cant make a difference between platonic and romantic interests anymore because of how much ive had to perform for men all my life for the exact reasons you mentioned

[@aielianna]

I just call myself queer but I love women. I actually think one of my best qualities is the fact that i'm attracted to women (cause what's not to like 😩). Even though i'm not sexually attracted or romantically attracted to men I do sometimes think they are physically attractive so i'm scared to call myself a lesbian. I'm also scared that if I call myself a lesbian that later on i'll change my mind and my biggest fear is people thinking i'm a fake lesbian or it was just a "phase". so yeah...lol

[@mrsandman3512]

There's no crime in being wrong! you can call yourself whatever you want because all that matters is how you feel about it now. if you're 20 one year you're not wrong for calling yourself 21 the next year! You can also be aesthetically attracted to men and not be romantically or sexually attracted to them and still be a lesbian too! it's also okay if you are attracted to men, experimenting with what you call yourself or don't call yourself is always okay, and you don't owe anyone complete accuracy in your label :)

[@idek9970]

ARE WE THE SAME PERSON...

[@aielianna]

@@mrsandman3512 you're completely right!

[@aielianna]

@@idek9970 🫂

[@sckmindfrud]

​@@mrsandman3512if labels dont matter or mean anything why are you trying so hard to convince her to change it? What's so wrong with just calling yourself queer/bi?

[@kherrypie4586]

as an 18 y.o. lesbian this is so so relatable

[@ratbear7489]

this is so real also the frantic tongue sticking out and hands flailing as u talk is literally me as well 😭😭

[@marxcherry]

yesss!!! personally reading feminist/queer theory has really helped deconstruct many of these patriarchal scripts we've been ingrained with, i especially love judith butler

[@reiclea2031]

hearing you talk about how weird it is to navigate friendships with men while being a lesbian was so comforting to hear. like I didn't know if anyone else felt that way, I felt a little silly for feeling how I did. almost cried ngl thank you for your rambling you are not alone

[@mackenziespiroff6066]

Yeah. I get it. First of all we are in the same generation but talking to kids who are in high school now vs when i was in high school 4 years ago is actually insane. Like kuddos for all of these thoughts and introspection when i was ur age i literally suppressed myself so hard and had a bf all of high school (and was miserable). But it honestly really makes me happy that kids in high school are coming out eailer because those years of suppression do something to the psyche. BUT it does not make it easier. I have literally have had each one of these thoughts and this was very relatable. For the femininity thing, i think the type of femininity you arent associating yourself with anymore is that specific fem built for men and the male gaze. When i realized this it was honestly so freeing being decentralized from the male gaze. Like I can be masc or fem or both and it’s not for them, and i do not care what they think. But yeah it was scary I remember when i first figured it out i was legit crying in the club to my gf at the time that yk having kids will be harder (i dont think of it as such an obstacle now) and losing the safety of being bisexual but honestly i am so happy being a lesbian. Those things that are hard now become easier, i am excited for when i can drop the fact that im lesbian in a new workplace. Being a lesbian honestly feels like such a power move and it is both the most beautiful and lonely experience I’ve ever had. Anyways i wish you all the best

[@mackenziespiroff6066]

Also I cannot stress this enough the thing that makes it less lonely is having gay and specifically lesbian friends. Find solace in your community

[@elizalynn227]

this is so beautifully put. i agree that this experience is both beautiful and also incredibly lonely. and i love that you said being a lesbian feels like a power move, because the more i’ve grown up and gotten to know myself better the more i relate to that. it feels powerful to tell people this thing about myself that i have grown to love and be increasingly confident in.

[@whosnoelle2672]

thank you for posting this because i have never felt so seen by a video. i'm 20 and for the past few years i've also been going back and forth in my mind if i am a lesbian or not. for most of my life i identified myself as bisexual and had mostly liked men. but then i had kinda dated/talked to this one girl my senior year of highschool and had garnered such deep feelings for her, feelings that were soooo much deeper than i had felt for any male crush. ever since, even if i had found some men attractive at times and would kinda "crush"(?) on them, i have only ever dated or pursued women. i've found it so much easier to have that emotional connection with women. maybe it's because i don't trust men because of past experiences w/ them, i'm not sure why. but my friendships since then have sort of shifted. similar to you, i also saw how much my friends would talk about liking and dating men. i could not relate at all. at times, i still feel like something is wrong with me for that and i would feel left out and isolated from them. i also agree that it's strange how womanhood is tied to liking men. i also questioned my gender a lot because of this and sometimes feel insecure about my femininity as well. now, i'm still accepting the fact that i probably am a lesbian and that it's okay if i end up being wrong about it in the future. what matters is how i feel now, in the present moment. i also just wanna say that so much of what you said here i've also felt as well and you're not alone (:

[@lonely_lucifer4770]

Agree on every part. I used to feel so awkward around anything feminine because when i first realised i was a lesbian i thoughy i had to play into a more masc role but now i love everything about being a lesbian.

[@lilpest2938]

ive literally been having the crisis of having to come to terms with the fact that i am a lesbian and this video literally sums up so much of what ive also been feeling- im WITH you 😭

[@LeanneProteau]

i think the big problem, the core to the spiralling for you is ~the world’s opinion~. what everyone think what they could be thinking what they will think of you. and frankly that is SO scary. but one day you’ll be so strong and who you are because of self love and growth and these amazing conversations you have with yourself. u will know yourself so well and ACCEPT and LOVE yourself so well, that what anyone else thinks cannot affect you deep in your heart. we are humans we are young we care what our family says and think, but at the end of the day, how your world perceive you has more to do with them than with you. you are your own unique complex beautiful DIVINE being. gender is a social construct. you are fluid, allow yourself to be fluid to not put yourself into a box because it makes the world more comfortable. what makes YOU comfortable? accept the way you heart love because it is BEAUTIFUL and PURE and FUCKING DIVINE!!!! don’t blame those who cannot see it they are the ones who are brainwashed. choose your peace, choose acceptance, choose love not fear, life is too short. you are a being of infinite possibilities infinite light infinite love. don’t let single minded people EVER make u feel otherwise. i know it’s so hard but for your own heart your own body your own mind and SOUL choose yourself. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️

[@cate_c86]

this is kind of like you took my thoughts straight out of my head. i can totally relate to the part about femininity being connected to men (and as a butch i think that’s exactly what i experienced) so it never felt like me, and i feel disconnected kind of how you said. thank you for making this; it’s so difficult to find other people who can relate to the lesbian experience and how it’s so isolating to decenter men from your life. keep doing what your doing dude!

[@p1ish]

it's so hard not performing for them with everything you do down to appearance because if you don't you become a societal vagrant of sorts. men have a special way of making you feel like a sack of shit when you're not acting like their imaginary fucktoy.

[@ellioni5883]

i'm 21 so relatable, the fem/masculinity...how men see you type psychology shenanigans

[@mementomori_4.7.3.6.2fo]

Seeing comments like these is so relieving in that sense that im not the only one who goes through these thought process every single day and how much it isolates you . I wish i could find queer friends online someday ( cause I live in a country where it's just impossible to find anyone ) so i can just feel a little better that it's gonna be ok.

[@granthartzell5523]

Thanks for posting something confused and genuine on here, helps others of us feel less weird from inside our own stages of figuring our shit out. Been a “guy friend” on the other side of this before,, had a lot of conversations with her which make me think this was like exactly what she was going through at the time. Anyway, Dude I’m really happy you’re figuring this out for yourself!! And you presented your thoughts in a very comprehensive and funny way. Man, you don’t owe anything to anyone, and you seem very cool and emotionally intelligent, anyone would be very lucky just to be your friend! Sounds like you’re already accepting that but I hope hearing someone else say it is helpful too!!

[@alyzzzea1864]

I can promise you most lesbians have had these thoughts and feelings, at this point I just sit in my identity and deal with whatever problems as they come.

[@jujulovescatss]

I LOVE YOUR ENERGY!!! I'm also constantly sticking my tongue out and I don't know why 😭

[@PurpleMonkeySox]

I’m so proud of you for trying to figure it out and being open with it

[@idonotexistletmedielol3766]

Yess omg 😭 coming to terms with the fact that I'm not a trans Dude, not even genderfluid probably, but just a lesbian has been like, so confusing

[@derpymoves]

Deadass, whenever I become friends with a man and feel comfortable around him (which is not often for me), I feel like I need to do something about it--like we'd make such a good pair and I should make a move. But it's strange because these 'feelings' I have about men are ALWAYS from an imagined perspective of how other people would see us together, and it never goes deeper or more personal than that. But with women it's the opposite: I try to push away the feeling (which this time around is actual, rich attraction) so hard because I don't want it to get in the way. It's not even just because of fear of homophobia, it's that I don't want to ruin a potentially amazing, long lasting friendship with these feelings. It's hard when your usual friend circle and 'dating pool' are all the same gender.

[@hellreyser]

you're so real. just came to terms with my lesbianism just a few days ago. you're not alone at all!!

[@jujulovescatss]

I agree and relate to you so much, it took ages for me to realise I was a lesbian, as I felt safe with the bisexual label (love all the bisexual babes 💋) I wanted guys to still find me desirable and I would always develop a "crush" on a guy who showed me a bit of attention or who I thought liked me, I even get scared telling people I'm a lesbian and haven't told any guys because I still crave the attention (I know it's bad 😭) but I definitely knew something was up when I thought I had a "crush" on my gay boy best friend just because I constantly wanted to be around him and enjoyed his presence 😭 even though I know I like girls and I currently like a girl I sometimes feel asexual because I don't like guys and get grossed out by them if that makes sense and even with girls because I mislabelled the feelings for "crushes" it takes me ages to figure out if I like a girl 🙏

[@kaileyziss-gy4zr]

Yeah I feel the part where you feel like men only want to be friends with you in hopes of being a romantic interest. While not all dudes are like that but a lot that I’ve tried to befriend have have been. I was friends with this one dude he’d say I was his best friend and we’d hangout a lot since we had common hobbies. I made it clear I saw him platonically from the start and he said he felt the same. After I came out to him he didn’t really talk to me or put effort in the friendship especially after he got a girlfriend. Also his girlfriend doesn’t believe dudes and girls can be friends, a lot of people believe in that idea. Later on he did admit to me that he liked me

[@jaelynnb9399]

oh my god you kind of explained everything well, it’s so hard to wrap your mind around all of it, this is great!

[@_._emilka_._]

This is relatable af making friends with men when you are not attracted to their kind at all feels manipulative and also I agree that it is a different life when you are bi compared to when you are a lesbian or aro-ace. When your world doesn't revolve around men and never did it does feel disorienting and isolating from other women, almost like a separate gender experience... Like yes I'm a woman but in a different way than most... idk...

[@SophiaRoselyn]

I have these same conversations with myself all the time this was rlly nice to watch. It made me feel a lot less alone 🫶

[@MA-bj8uh]

I randomly came across this video on my fyp, and man was it a fun watch. The stuff you said are very relatable, considerable food for thought I'd say. Do not doubt your words, even if you are indeed sleepy in this video. I found my self giggling at some of the things you said because really, lesbianism is a doozy, and the path of self discovery as you grow older is a long and precarious one. It is self assuring to see someone speak on it in such an informal way. Thank you for deciding to post this in the end, you have gained a new subscriber

[@unregisteredhypercam3969]

god this video really hit home. i'm twenty, i'm out to my close friends and my mum. this really made me think about how i'm still not comfortable about being a lesbian. i've known that i'm a lesbian since i was twelve years old, it's actually ridiculous how i still feel ashamed about it. none of my friends give a shit what my sexuality is and most of them are also queer, my mum doesn't care and loves me to the moon and back, but it's still so hard. it's so lonely, i'm scared that i'll be lonely for the rest of my life. i feel like i'm not a 'real' woman, i present quite feminine because it's easier for me personally but it feels like i'm wearing a costume. i almost feel like i'm not allowed to enjoy 'feminine' things? like when i go into a makeup store of the women's clothing sections i feel like i'm an undercover spy or something (this actuallly sounds crazy omg i have mental illness). the thought of having to tell my coworkers in the future that my partner is a woman scares me. the thought of having a wedding scares me. i always used to feel disgusted with myself when my friends would talk about what they wanted their weddings to be like when they were little, i knew deep down i didn't want that in the same way that they did. i feel so awkward around women when they talk about their boyfriends or attraction to men, it's like i freeze up, i don't know what to say, i start feeling physically sick, so i have to leave. i want my friends to be able to talk to me about their relationships who they find attractive etc, but it just reminds me of the feeling i had all throughout my teenage years that something was deeply wrong with me because i couldn't find men attractive and i wasn't deserving of love or friendship. i still don't know where all this shame comes from but i don't think i will ever come out to my grandparents and that really upsets me, i feel like i'm living a lie. long rant sorry, i hope everything goes well for you in the future

[@GamerKittyxoxo]

This is crazy, this video popped up as I am currently trying to figure things out and this is literally me down to the gender crisis in middle school . 💀

[@nea2165]

literally same

[@MagmaRiver]

Good luck with your crisis!

[@JeevansworId]

Gender crisis in middle school got to us all lmao

[@yaakarkad]

Heyyy I was having a shit day when I saw this and I’m glad I did. Even if it was just a distraction from the things I was feeling, it cheered me up, like you’re really funny, but also thoughtful, and I relate to so many of the things you talked about. I’m sixteen, and I also realized I was a lesbian in 2020, though no through tiktok. However I then spent four years denying it and calling myself “probably bi lol” because of what you talked about, which is thinking wanting to be friends with a guy is a crush., but also the fear of being forced into an abnormal lifestyle because of who I like. Anyways I’m rambling. Good day. Thank you.

[@goopysnoober]

I lowk dont think ive ever resonated more w a video ever in my life WOW new sub

[@mollyjenkins1039]

There is definitely a period of mourning that you go through when realizing anything about your sexuality/gender. I have friends who had to mourn the life they always assumed they would have (marrying a man, etc). I’m honestly still figuring myself out but knowing I’m some flavor of queer/asexual I’ve had to mourn the idea of ever dating/having relationships in the way society expects us to. I also totally get the whole being friends with guys thing. As someone who doesn’t get crushes very often (literally had like 2 in the past 4 years) I start to wonder if I even do get romantic feelings. And I do! But especially when befriending men I have such a hard time determining romantic vs platonic feelings on mine or their end.

[@emmaaxtell798]

14:00 As a PK (pastor’s kid for those who are unfamiliar) I can tell you that it absolutely it soul crushing to tell them at first (or to have them find out which is so much worse, and how it went for me) but it gets better with time. It’s been 4 years since I was outed and now we are on good terms, I would even say our relationship is better than ever. I just make the sacrifice of never talking about it with them. It is scary but it does get better.

[@paytonw9640]

6:42 this is truely such a mind fk that I totally relate to. Back when I was that age, too, I really thought I was a guy because of how I felt towards women and how that lack of femininity that comes with it really bleeds through. I never had any dysmorphia, which is how I realized I WASN’T trans, but just standing in the mirror thinking about myself compared to other women really fked with me. It’s really nice to hear someone else struggled with that, that it’s not just me.

[@pandapantheress]

glad im not the only person that thinks this way. genuinely thank you so much for sharing, thank you for reminding me that im not alone on this journey!

[@elizabeth._.777]

this is actually so relatable i’m happy other people feel the same way as me i can’t explain how happy this makes me

[@p1ish]

One day you'll be able to look back at this and feel sad for how afraid your former self was. I've been questioning if I'm bi or maybe even gay for a while and I share so many of your same fears. With bisexuality there will always be that comfort, that you can easily conform. So much of what you say is relatable. Hopefully in the future, we will both be comfortable with ourselves.