INFJ Relationship Advice Part 1

This video is advice for INFJs and all other types regarding romantic relationships.
Instagram: @melodygrace

[@andresquintanilla3185]

I think part of the problem with INFJs are that we are extremely picky and when we finally find that one person that gets our attention, we start ignoring the bad in them. Also, we see the potential in that person and we want them to grow into our idealistic view of them. Last point, we are feed off a person that is energetic and fun, and we get a high off of them. we must learn to separare the two feelings and not get infatuated so fast.

[@lilred2331]

it's so relieving to know why i am the way i am....i tend to drawn to people with potential but have learned that some do not like to be seen that deeply.

[@Lunaryse]

Andres Quintanilla, that is beyond true for me.

[@user-pi1sl6mi4o]

This is the story of my life!

[@nileshkabra1594]

Right. I'm tortured by myself unknowingly for the same ! The reason is simple. I feel alone. If this person curtails my loneliness I will need this person's company at any cost. So I get blind willfully although recognize it later on, late.

[@emokiriemiabednegoabed2844]

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[@PequotWhiteHawk]

Being an INFJ I tend to analyze people and sort them out based on their intentions and try to only associate myself with people that i can stand.. when I'm not in a relationship I tend to be very observant and even judgmental. Only because i see through everyone's bullshit.. When i am in a relationship i do have a tendency to almost be blind or even naive.. Great video, keep up the good work! :)

[@n.a3345]

relate a lot to this as well

[@marbachmeier300]

Gavin Jones yes me too I don't pretend to like a person if I get the feeling they are shady I don't care how cute she is I won't touch.

[@James-wx9bf]

I’m an ENFP and I’m married to an INFJ and we mesh so well! Best friends!

[@JustAnotherSean]

3:44 is spot on. INFJs definitely can be very biased when they're heavily invested in a relationship. We never want anyone to think less of us, our partners, or our decision making skills. We almost unknowingly put on those rose colored glasses so that we can ignore the others persons obvious flaws and pretend that they're fulfilling our desires. I suspect that this is because we're terrified of admitting that we might've made a mistake in our initial partner selection process. It all depends. Good stuff as always!

[@umbrarbara666]

I'm an INFJ, and I do believe in the best of people. Its smtg like: I know the person has somethign wrong, I feel it, Something in the bottom of my head tells me that, but still I want to give it person a chance. Its like a bet with myself. I might know Im going to be dissapointed in future, but I'm stubborn and go ahead though being a very picky person. So I wait for the end of the line to get dettached. Now it explains me why I had so many disappointments with friends and severe brokenheartedness.

[@01Mlandry]

Bárbara Umbra yeah I can really relate to this pattern of thinking. And I also can be stubborn haha.

[@Life21channel]

+Bárbara Umbra this is what happening with me ..even when i can sense that they gonna dump me .struggling with emotional attachments i sometimes hate it

[@paramitakhairan5447]

i do relate with your thought!

[@teenahaddad]

+Miss Melody same here

[@jasminetanguay3378]

Bárbara Umbra me. all of that is exactly me

[@petricaputernicu4698]

I am an INFJ and, as a teenager, because I was traumatized by my father (physically and psychologically), I did exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies. I was pretty much an asshole and a bully, simply because I was trying to hide the fact that I was shy and sensitive. It was a defense mechanism that helped me hide features that made me look weak and vulnerable. I was trying hard to be an asshole and a bully, that's what our moronic society respects and admires. At some point, all I cared about was that people would perceive me as strong and confident, so I did anything, and used/hurt anyone that would help me achieve that. I was evaluating myself as others evaluated me, which is the stupidest thing to do btw, don't try that at home. And since I'm great with mimicking other people, I fooled them :D But I was the exact opposite. Even my wife, who I met when I was 17, was shocked years later when she actually met the real me :)) 10 years of depression/frustration/searching came afterwards, but that's a different story :D But it turns out I'm an INFJ (turbulent). What I'm saying is don't judge people by how they are as teenagers :) It's just a shitty phase. Some narcs will probably remain hardcore narcs. But for others, it might be a cloak to help them hide their true identity. It's hard knowing yourself, accepting yourself, and finally, liking yourself. It's a bumpy ride, but it has its rewards :) But it's a long road, and not a straight one.

[@Miriam444]

I think also for INFJ's or at least for me, the desire so much for deep love can attract us to a relationship that as said could possibly be unhealthy. We idealise the chance of love so much that we ignore the warning signs of our intuition that tells us that it won't work out. Learning to trust our intuition and be patient I believe is the best way!

[@GrafinVonHopper]

Exatamente. É tudo isso o que você disse e dou mais um conselho: começar pela amizade ao invés de aceitar namorar alguém que nem ao menos conhecemos direito, também nos livra de muitas ciladas.

[@janellevanderwier5619]

Sister, I just got out of a really toxic relationship. This confirms everything! I knew that it wasn't right from the beginning, but he made be question my own insanity. He told me I can't trust my instincts. He told me I was crazy, and that I lack empathy yet the reason I have anxiety in this life is because I have too much of it. I went home and asked my parents if I really do lack empathy. I was so worried. I asked them to give me an honest answer. They laughed. "Are you kidding!?" If this sounds like anyone's relationship, then DO listen to your instincts. You are wiser than you know.

[@nerdybuddy7415]

I am not sure if I should trust my instincts because more than once my instinct has asked me to commit homicide/suicide. I often find my instinct horrible but a voice keeps telling me again and again to kill those who betray me

[@Jelly-hq7ug]

@@nerdybuddy7415 I think you need professional help when the " voices" come into play.

[@annstropes2236]

Janelle VanderWier 😢 It is like you typed my own life. I just got out of my relationship about 6 months ago. It was so toxic.

[@cadr003]

Im an INFJ and surprisingly I dont idealize ppl that I care for (extending it beyond romantic relationships). I am admittedly quick to find faults and nuances in others behavior and in more intimate relations am ready to point them out. I have been described as having a sharp and sometimes unfiltered tongue, but I do have this thing in me that I see the good in things and in people, and I so want to desperately make things better even when I personally do not have the ability to salvage the good. I look past people's mistakes until I end up on some breaking point.

[@austinatyahoo]

I know this is late, but I've read/heard that this is because of our thinking process, Ti. It has more control over our dominant function and when this happens, we start to be more critical and the like. Can't remember exactly.

[@n.a3345]

my..I relate a lot to this

[@TheRawlings]

cadr003 You just nailed me. I can cut people down so quick, but I can also make people feel SUPER good about themselves.

[@smiddysmidton8313]

100% agree. I have to say i don't align with much of this author really. While i can emphasise she is too open, too idealistic i feel no connection.

[@cruiseny26]

Your video really clicked with me. Most of my relationships ended this way. I have a hard time leaving unhealthy relationships because I've idealized the person so much and was in denial through the end of most of it. I realized that I need to have more self respect for myself to not allow people to treat me that badly and just leave the situation.

[@01Mlandry]

cruiseny26 yeah I relate to that so much :)

[@nileshkabra1594]

Right. I decided to not look for people who are not available for me when I need them most (about whom I think to be kind of special to me) . It was too tough but worth it. Because from next day I was free. Emotionally detached from them. I felt relieved and happy. I can live my life better without their help. It's whole a lot better. I'm independent & confident.

[@lisanovia1683]

OMG Can relate to this so much. I just found out I'm an INFJ and had been forgiving a narcissistic ex back and forth. Like you said, we idealize people and believe that they can be their best. After all the research and healing process I just feel so grateful that he is out of my life now and forever. Boundaries are very important 💪 and seeing people for who they trully are. Only let people who share positive energy in our life💞, too exhausted absorbing negative energy 😥👋

[@samus7773]

As an INFJ I totally hear you about being empathetic towards others and certain individuals being drawn to you because of that quality. For me, I also see it as a boundaries issue. I think sometimes INFJ's can have weak boundaries and certain kinds of people will sense that and step all over you if you let them. I think for me, that has been the biggest growth struggle. I also strongly resonate with being an idealist in romantic relationships. Thanks for what you're doing Melody!

[@01Mlandry]

J .Park Yeah I would totally agree! Boundaries can be a big issue for us. It is something I have been intentionally educating myself on for the past few years because I was not always good at appropriately setting them. I am actually hoping to do a video on boundaries soon. Appreciate your input:)

[@candicepenland]

I'm an INFJ too and this really hit home. I also idealize people around me and ignore their negative behavioral patters too! I've noticed it helps to really reflect and look at things objectively but it is SO hard to do especially with relationships. I always find myself wanting to fix people and end up not thinking about myself and what I would like to be treated like. We have to remember to take care of ourselves too :) Great video!

[@01Mlandry]

musesandmustangs Yes looking at things objectively is really hard when your love because love can be blinding. Thanks for the comment love!

[@jamessullivan5181]

Am I the only INFJ that is the opposite of this? Due to my idealism, I set out to find the ideal partner. Due to this, I'm extremely picky in the dating phase. If there is one tiny incompatibility that I sense will become real once we're in a relationship (as they always do), I stop dating them and look for someone else. It's a different story when things become much more real however. And as an INFJ it's important not to let yourself get to that stage until you're sure this is the right person.

[@nerdybuddy7415]

Most INFJs remain single in the end. I think it's more important to learn to love ourselves both physically and spiritually than find someone who does not exist in reality.

[@ShayrenRain]

James Sullivan I've noticed this in myself, without a doubt. Sometimes I'm not sure how healthy it really is, but it is how I have always interacted regarding significant relationships.

[@k.reneehomeschool4498]

You might be an intj instead

[@TaxEvasi0n]

I’m very much the same with my approach to relationships. I’ll fuck many different girls, but when it comes to relationships I’ll damn near be looking for perfection. I understand that no one is perfect, and it’s more about finding the right compatible traits and helping to grow and improve faults. However I really just don’t find anyone who “does it for me”. I am rather secluded in life, even though there’s many new people around me at work. I’m still rather quiet and reserved, and I think unapproachable. I think lots of introspection can help us get to where we want to be though, if that truly is with someone else or perhaps alone. I wish everyone reading this comment a happy life, keep self improving and moving forward. Quitters don’t reach their target.

[@anuya888]

Totally agree with you James and I don't know how to deal with it because this constant hunt for the best possible unicorn is tiring.For once I would really like to be less demanding and be totally smitten by my partner.

[@philiphimmelstein9510]

Agree with a lot of what you said, especially around 6 minutes. 'Admirable but stupid' is how I would describe INFJs in love.

[@xiv9736]

I am not sure about other INFJ people, but letting go of idealism for me is much easier said then done. I have generally avoided relationships altogether because of it. I have never been taken advantage of in a relationship though because while still only in my 20s, even at a pretty young age I could sense peoples intentions and potential for abusive behavior very quickly. That and I simply chose not to let someone get that close to me. My sister and her partner are both INFJ (Which leaves me spoiled compared to other INFJ people, it is a massive relief to have other INFJs in my life to relate to). After seeing the incredible potential of that kind of relationship, I am just simply unwilling to leave myself open to one unless it is with another INFJ person. The desire for mutual understanding of each other, as is reasonably possible, is just too strong for me to settle for anything less. I understand this will mostly likely result in the chances of finding someone to be extremely slim. The problem, as many of us know, (And I am sure it is an even more difficult and frequent problem for women) is that we draw a lot of influence, unwanted attention and admiration from others. My generally warm demeanor and curiosity about people leaves me faced with the issue of women thinking I am flirting with them. I have an eidetic memory of sorts as well, so I often remember details that others have revealed to me about themselves that many would consider insignificant. If I casually bring those details up in conversation days or weeks later, it usually results in the misunderstanding that I am very interested in them. It leaves me in awkward situations where I tend show a kind of ambivalence and friendly, but cool detachment towards them to temper or stop their interest. I absolutely hate doing it though, because I can tell that they are (rightfully) confused or even frustrated with me. I find it even harder to simply tell someone I am not interested in them in that sense. It can be just as difficult the other way too. While I can very obviously pick up on someone not being interested in me romantically, I can still be perceived as attempting to pursue something that is, when I am just being friendly. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable around me. Having to explain my personality type to people over and over just isn't practical though. It makes friendships with women nearly impossible. Which is a shame because it closes me off to so many awesome people. I would be curious to see if any other INFJs, male or female, have a similar outlook and experience with this.

[@Jelly-hq7ug]

I get the other side of the coin( INFJ girl).. I attract the downtrodden, the people hungry for empathy and nurturing. It is extremely tiring and draining. I didn't even notice it was a problem until my mom got fed up one day and told me to stop talking to these vampires hehe I think mommy is an INTJ... so since then I've been making an effoooorrrt.

[@veritasliberabitvos454]

For what I have learned, cluster B types (Histrionics, Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic Personality Disordered => Basically psychopathy is the core of their issue) make up about 10% of the population and it is evenly divided between men and women. Men tend to get diagnosed with it more often than women. And from my personal experience, INFJ is Narc bait due to their high empathy ability and emotional pain threshold. Seeing the good (some of this is projection) and not looking at the actions and boundary violations means we do not see a Narc for who they are. INFJ's need to learn about NPD and learn to have healthy boundaries to save themselves from year of hell with an NPD type person. Especially in the romantic situation.

[@thecircledance]

+veritas liberabit vos So true...

[@veritasliberabitvos454]

In another forum there was a survey on the Extrovert and Introvert MBTI types. 70% of the introverts there were INFP and INFJ. This forum is to help with being in relationships with Cluster B types. Considering that these two type make up about 5% of the population. The sample size was very small, close to twenty people. Still it explained what I suspected. Sometimes there is no classical win/win solution, especially with PD Cluster B types. It is delusional to think we can change or fix a person if they are stedfast in their way. We may be able to influence, but do it from a safe distance. As much as we love people, these types are toxic and they are very good actors. Then when they project on us their bad qualities and then we look at the different perspectives. You can imagine the mental gymnastics that go on. Then we tend to be more selfless so we give more credence to their side or argument. The downward spiral can take hold of us. Throw in some "Word Salad" and you will be staying up at night trying to find a win/win or harmonious solution for all. That is why INFJ / INFP types need friends who we can reality check with. Where we can be our true selves

[@cerebrumexcrement]

veritas liberabit vos I've met only one person in my lifetime who was a true narcissist. If you went to his home, he would have photos of himself everywhere and on his computer, his wallpaper is an image of himself. When we talk, he would interrupt everyone so he could talk about himself. It was actually more entertaining than annoying. He was definitely not an introvert.

[@marklist1142]

I fell in love with a narc several years ago. I did not realize such people existed as these types are sub diagnosible. A good book is Emotional Vampires. Ive avoided one since seeing the earlybwarning signs. I feel rather empathic so I have to becareful. A lonely empath is quite vulnerable and needs to be alert. I tended to believe others are more or less like me but I know I am wrong. Developing self love, self esteem and assertiveness are useful to strengthen ourselves in a world that is well you know :-).

[@Rinsuki]

Yes psychopaths and sociopaths are drawn to us because we are empathic. It is like the magnetism between opposites. Also they see caring feeling types as easy prey. Unless you are a healthy infj you will likely encounter such type and get stuck with them. I however shut it down most of the time because I've been down that road before. Hardest would be narcissistic personalities because they tend to manipulate your emotions. My own mother is a narc and I care for her but she is definitely unhealthy for me. However, the silver lining is I know the red flags for such personalities. Infjs have a tendency to have high expectations and unhealthy attachments because they genuinely want to believe people aren't that mean or that people are hurt which excuses their behavior but they learn eventually that though you've been hurt it doesn't excusre such behaviors. The empathic nature wants to understand the root of the behaviors and excuse them, but deep down the infj knows that it isn't right.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

The ENTP is your answer, dominant gentlemen,we're pure charm. good luck

[@Jelly-hq7ug]

My ENTP friend gets to me these days.. like after I took my rose colourd glasses off. And if he does/ say something I don't like... he tries to laugh it off. Soon he might even lose his friend hat. Sigh...

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

Sounds immature imo. Interesting though. What were the details of the conversation? Was it avoiding a serious topic or feeling?

[@Jelly-hq7ug]

@@smilinazzdoggy825 it's kinda weird and awkard for me to say what he said out loud... can I private message you somehow?

[@Jelly-hq7ug]

@@smilinazzdoggy825 it's basically something he said and at first I hinted that it was not nice but he kept trying to laugh it and came with explanations to justify it. But then I told him firmly this time( my patience disappeared) that what he said is a no no. He came back saying was joking and it wasn't serious and to lighten up basically. But I still put my foot down.. then he just zoned out after. I'll see how this plays out.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

@@Jelly-hq7ug I hate when people justify like that. Reminds me of a two face. Sucks.

[@sentricz_devkep7525]

I’m an INTJ, and I just recently met a friend that is an INFJ. It seems like we click so well together, but since we’re both introverts, we don’t hang out enough 😂

[@lucasmeinzinger5978]

Stay away from the crazy and be selfish once in awhile for your own health. Great video btw

[@sookierory]

Oh my god is like hearing my story..I also dated someone with this tendencies, and was blind to it, recently I discovered i'm an INFJ and now i'm understanding a lot of the things that had happen in my life, and why they happened.

[@samantham.5305]

I totally agree with idealism being an Achilles heal. I think whether the relationship is one of love, friendship, or family, we lose sight of who a person is when we focus on our idealistic version of them, then are surprised when they don't turn out to be who we thought they were. After having so many toxic friendships and a few bad relationships, I have become a lot more aware of the fact that I will let things go that I shouldn't for far too long. Even now, my husband will point out that I at times have really high expectations of my friends, and this really is because I have this idealistic view of who they are rather than a realistic, reasonable one. It's something I'm working on, as I do feel that it prevents me from having a balanced friendship with others when I have such a chimerical idea of who they are. Without that balanced, realistic view, you're either going to be constantly hurt or disappointed by a person. That's my two cents anyway. Great video, as always! :)

[@simonefaul8973]

This is very accurate. I either ignore the unhealthy signs OR I idealize and knit pick on small things to give me a reason as to why they are not right for me. There really is no inbetween. Thank you for making these videos, they help me a lot.

[@elainegustafson2225]

Melody, much of what you describe sounds like a younger me, even though I'm an ENFP. I'm 28. As Idealist, I think it's important that we get involved with people who are looking out for us as much as we are looking out for them, namely either guardians or other idealists. It is easy for us to get taken advantage of because we are often willing to sacrifice our own health and happiness for others. I'm currently with an ISFJ and I think we are pretty compatible.

[@deadmanrising3624]

INFJs are the best. And you're cute as fuck. -INTP Fuck, I need to get rid of my MBTI obsession.

[@AdventuresUnited]

Hey a fellow INFJ! Cool to see the similarities while watching this video. Thanks for sharing -Nathan King | Au

[@davidperfette1425]

It's nice to know that much of the struggles are INFJ related and not just specific to me. It's amazing how we draw narcissists. On another note. I just have to say this. You are so beautiful!

[@nikkilaerum1604]

Am I the only one who finds it romantic that people are drawn too my personality, yet scared too?

[@miscibi]

It is really interesting that some people find this or other videos "like" this kind of creepy. People might think they live complicated lives, but really if you do your homework and actually start exploring the social and psychological landscape in which people live and interact with each other, you will soon find out the exciting fact that there actually are some categories that people generally belong to and surprising as it also was for me when I first started to gather more information about details of other people's lives, they also tend to act and decide pretty darn similar to yours. Your own choices. Your presumably own. That was when I realized that even things we believe we decide on our own to do to ourselves and our lives, who we think we are or even who we struggled for to become, might all have been somewhat the results of our personality predispositions all along. This insight made me both feel more humble than ever as a human being and also more in charge of my life as I could now just look up the way other people of my mindset lived and the troubles they went through, in order to save myself the headaches! Kind of like a cheat sheet actually! :) People should actually try it out for themselves. It's so much fun! Btw, Thank you for the video Melody! I have to admit that it is sort of frustrating having to sit here all the way from Europe and watch as you, someone who I feel I could talk to about everything days and days on end, are on the other end of the world and that I can't actually meet you in person. For now at least. I wish you though all the luck in the world, you happy virtual friend, and hope that you will keep us all updated on your intellectual adventures.

[@01Mlandry]

miscibi "This insight made me both feel more humble than ever as a human being and also more in charge of my life as I could now just look up the way other people of my mindset lived and the troubles they went through, in order to save myself the headaches! Kind of like a cheat sheet actually! :) People should actually try it out for themselves. It's so much fun!" Ha yes very true and that's really the heart behind this video. I really do not want other people that have these tendencies to go through some of the stuff I have. I am hoping this will be a "cheat sheet" for some people and they will recognize the red flags before I did and hopefully it keep them being in an unhealthy relationship. You are so kind and I wish I knew other INFJs more in real life too! Thanks for the comment!

[@miscibi]

Miss Melody Thank *you* for your kind reply. In the past months l have been on some sort of internal journey and have learnt a lot and still learning. Once we see how blind we have been towards our inner self and begin to discover that the way our mind works is much more complicated that we'd think, I guess it makes *me* at least much more humble than I was back in March when I wrote that comment. It also makes me believe that it actually is scientifically possible to change your thoughts and behaviors and thus rip the "benefits" of your particular personality type, while getting rid of the "flawed" ones for good (almost)! :) Mostly through mindfulness practices and reading many books. ;) Thanks again for taking the time to write a reply. I know how hard it becomes once you have these many followers. And also, while we're at it, thanks for reading this far! If your ways in life somehow would cross Stockholm, just drop me a line! By the way, do you have any favorite nonfictional books to recommend?

[@Blueskiesforever13]

As an INFJ I have definitely recognized this idealist tendency in myself! It is actually crazy how similar your intonation is to the way I speak. I feel like our brains run in the same way!

[@mrtwigy2]

I use to spend a lot of time with a woman I was head over heels for. She was everything I was looking for. But she was a liar and a manipulator. I finally kicked her to the curve and refer to her as the devil. I could see all the signs the whole time but I always hoped she would change. People like that never change. You have to remove those toxic people from your life.

[@Laurkiller]

I'm infj too, the way you talk really speaks to me, you're cute. I really needed to hear this so thank you.

[@wolfofthepride]

That does really help. I've noticed myself in unhealthy relationships, never romantic, wherein I wasn't being treated the way I should have. I gave and gave, and they never gave back. It was hard to rid myself of my best friend, but it's a little easier now. Thank you!

[@brianhoule3219]

Once the trust is earned, it's difficult to break away from someone. Especially knowing the reason things are going bad, is because her mother detests your success above hers ! I always thought you were supposed to want the best for your child.

[@thecircledance]

Congrats, it took me thirty years to realize this about myself! I was always in abusive or unhealthy relationships throughout my twenties. Now I just break up with people when it doesn't feel right, and I'm much happier. :)

[@nileshkabra1594]

Same here. I got to deal with it when I'm 30 now.

[@slooob23]

This video triggered an intuition overload for me, there is so much that could be expanded from this! I've been through hell with an ESTP girl who had sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies. Yeah, I know everyone says that about their ex, but in this case I am not kidding. Unfortunately I only learned about MBTI and my "INFJ-ness" after my traumatic experience, and ya, I know, ESTP's are our shadow personality and complete opposite. Well guess what? I could write a book on the subject!!, take it from me, stay away from the unstable ESTP!! they are like cryptonite to our intuition, it can be a harrowing experience. Our tendency to hang on to bad relationships does not do us any good at all, it almost killed me.

[@eatmeaters]

I thought it was amazing how you pinpointed the Narcissist and sociopath/psychopath point.

[@paleoprepper1781]

Spot on advice. I noticed INFJs when being unhealthy naturally fall into some ACA patterns, even if their parents are not addicts. Here's the "Laundry List". go.blogs.com/guesswhatnormalis/files/The_Laundry_List.pdf . I fell into a number of these traits.

[@jasmarie964]

Thank you!!! This is soooo true, I can relate to this I'm a young adult with the personalty INFJ. This video has inspired me to examine some of my past relationships and being more aware of the narcissistic psycho personalities that might take advantage of my empathy!! God Bless

[@01Mlandry]

Jasmine Hamilton Hey thanks I am so glad it was somewhat helpful! God Bless you too :)

[@pablofernandez-beri6646]

I'm glad for you young folks you can know all these stuff by these wonderful people publishing materials. Thanks to Melody and to all of them! My experience (plus reading plus therapy): If they want to make you think or do something... carry on suspecting, you're probably right!

[@youratowel97]

That's funny you said what you said... My dad is definitely antisocial (sociopath) and my mother is an INFJ as well as me. And though he "hated" me for a while, lately he's had a soft spot for me and I can really see it. I find that interesting.

[@ZeroEntropy.]

So here are my thoughts on this, you did a great job with the video, with articulating yourself, and with expressing your views. From my perspective however you failed to peel back enough of the layers to get to the core of the issue. You're young and on the right path so I'm not saying this like you are wrong, just that I could see this video being a disservice to INFJs and affirming of unhealthy INFJ behaviors. This is an issue of lacking boundaries, idealism can of course play a part in that but you went right from idealizing to unhealthy when in fact being realistic is the solution. If you're already in an unhealthy relationship or accepting unhealthy behaviors in others you're either lacking boundaries, codependent, enabling and so on. The solution to this isn't external but internal and simply recognizing you're idealistic isn't going to help. There are a lot of INFJ videos, they all are pretty much the same, idealist, empathy, sensitive, but they really do fail to address what other healthy people recognizes as areas that need improvement. Anyway, keep up the good work and self awareness!

[@BurgundyandBlue1111]

I would say my relationship advice to INFJs (really anyone) is to get real, know what you want deep down inside (make a list of critical characteristics or speak the list into a voice recorder and play it back over and over), and let go of anyone or anything who is not that list....and this is from an INFJ who learned this the hard way. Stop accepting shit thinking it will turn into gold someday!

[@catalinvillela5397]

Hi :) I am an INFJ as well, and am so grateful for finding this video. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, I am so lucky to get to know this in my teens. I have just detached from an unhealthy relationship with a friend of mine, and you are right... INFJ´s tend to idealise people around them, who´s behavioural patterns don´t often help us become our greatest version. I love all your videos, you are reaching many people through them. A hopeful transmission from Guatemala!!!

[@MachineGunBambi]

Idealizing was the downfall of my first (abusive) relationship. I (female INFJ) spent almost 3 years with a INTP male. He was extremely immature and selfish and used me to take take take. It fed his ego, he felt like I was a problem that needed to be solved (I was very depressed and sick when we started dating.) The way I accepted and gave love to him made him feel important. When he would wrong me, he would use crocodile tears to lure me back in, because I would feel sad and thought he was sincerely crying (he never cried otherwise.) I'm glad that's over. I realized what was happening (INFJ duh~) and decided to end everything very quickly. I moved on within a month and recently met a wonderful ENFP. He is so inspiring and amazing, and he is not coming from a place of 'fix her' as my ex did. Hoping something good comes out of my situation!

[@nerdybuddy7415]

NTs are too rational and cold for NFs. To NTs, however, NFs are moody and intellectually not stimulating enough. NFs need love and NTs intellectual challenge. The goal of life is just too different to maintain a healthy relationship in the long run. NFs are made to pair up with NFs there are very few options out there. Good luck because there are not many male feelers to choose from. Most men are thinkers and men in general are more rational than women. :-)

[@AlliKat7329]

Fellow INFJ here and I relate to this so much. Ignoring unhealthy patterns and being totally blindsided by love..SO ME

[@davidkepke1435]

Succinctly and wonderfully articulated description of what INFJ's often behave in these scenarios.

[@tribbybueno]

me and my ex split four years ago and I swear I have been through so many things and learned so much about myself that I developed a strict list of criteria i NEEDED in a partner (mostly emotional, spiritual, and intellectual qualities) and she fit every one and taught me even more that I needed and deserved in a partner. the literal only two things that ever bothered me (and they ironically were things that bettered me as a person) were her general willingness to give people time to prove they are who they say they are (rsgardless of my instincts) and her pushes on me to not take loyalties of people i know i won't keep around forever so seriously. the problem with that ideal person is that you might meet them (if you are fortunate and advanced enough on your path to understanding yourself) and letting them go when you realize that they might grow into someone who is NOT good for you will literally feel like losing a fundamental part of yourself. Now I have this perfect woman who I could have spent the rest of my life with to compare everyone else to (against my will) who doesn't even exist anymore because people CHANGE and love has become this tortorous act of beating my head off a proverbial wall. SWEET BEING A 24 YEAR OLD INFJ IS AWESOME

[@jonnyplat8117]

see all people from the perspective of unconditional love and give them the loving attention they seek the ultimate ideal found in transcendence.

[@brianminghella3312]

In my experience as an INFJ I find that we want to grow as individuals and if sharing our experience gives others a leg up too thats a great thing. In practice, change is something most personality types fear greatly, especially if it is outside the box. So looking back i see more clearly now why people lie. They fear the journey you will take them on and they make excuses and betray your trust so that they can break the bond. INFJ’s are rare because honesty is rare. It is not valued in our society, its ridiculed as naive. So as I grew through youth in to manhood relationships that were not with a growing person meant I had to move on. In my experience many women are attracted to male INFJ’s because we are strong but easy going, reserved but not shy. BUT once their curiosity has met with the man in a more intimate way, they are unnerved by our intuitive clarity and insight. I used to say it to my GF’s this way “what your saying is you did not mean to say exactly what you meant”. Our ability to get under people’s guard and for Freudian slips to thus occur is very common. It usually does not take long before this is found unnerving and things start to crumble. To summarise, I would not advise anyone to get in to a relationship with an INFJ unless they are comfortable being themselves. My partner is also an INFJ.

[@orangecounty60]

I am also an INFJ, I literally lived through all of what you have said, I feel like the perils and the pitfalls Iv been through have distroyed me in some ways. Leading me to trust less in people and to never have close relationships with others as a means to just simply not hurt ever again. I feel that people simply just don't really understand me, that is the worst thing about this personally trait.

[@jamesnieves1216]

I needed this video more than ever. I feel like my partner doesn't understand me. I was just diagnosed fairly recently that I'm an INFJ-T. Thanks for the helpful tips. I'll try to improve myself with these.

[@maialam4105]

Thank you for your advice, the older I get I start to filter all these people, so we don´t have unhealthy relationship. :) It really works!

[@jimishmong]

Does this count for a crush also? I fell in love so hard I can't seem to get out of it because i'm idealizing it.

[@victoriaheng8595]

jimishmong I know right! I have idealized my crush so much, I honestly think he is flawless.😔❤️

[@riccia888]

Not true. Maybe your in high school even in college. Maybe your a late bloomer. Gain late wisdom as you age. Maybe 30 perhaps

[@emokiriemiabednegoabed2844]

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[@ashwinipethe4222]

oh totally....been there done that too

[@TaxEvasi0n]

Happened to me and still trying to overcome it. For me, I just recently found out what it is I like about her. I’m so drawn to her image, it’s insane. She has black dyed hair (straightened and sometimes in a braid), pale white skin, black makeup eyebrows, and she has a really pretty face. What gets me is the black hair with the pale skin, it looks so European/slavak it’s crazy. I always new I liked european type chicks but didn’t know what it was about them. So for me to recognise that, was amazing in getting over this crush. We somewhat work together and no longer talk so it’s made my work environment that much more calmer for me. TL;DR explore more what you find attractive about someone and find more of it.

[@mrcooper1654]

The INFJ girl will seek approval and like the perfectionist type they tend to be they can not give a decent guy a chance because they will reject them as they do all guys. The Narcissist guy is not easily sway to being told no. So the thing INFJ will tell you what they are looking for and all the Narcissist have to do is become what you paint in your mind. The sad part is INFJ will actually run away from the guy who is true and actually loves her, because this guy loves you for you not for anything you have to do and INFJ want to earn love and gain approval. This is why most of them are alone for a while. Also, I have an INFJ-A brother who is awesome and a INFJ-T best friend who is a girl I like they are both so different it's hard to explain.

[@williamg2212]

I find your videos very helpful - I'm an INTJ and you're an absolute gem for doing what you're doing =) Thank you!

[@01Mlandry]

William G Hey thanks so much you are so sweet! I appreciate you kind sentiments:) Thanks for the comment!

[@eunicesantiago8223]

Amazing, I still struggle with not entering a unhealthy relationship. Its true i see the good in people and hope with time they will change them. Its really is hard to realize its my fault and thats something I do very often. :)

[@jakebauer1262]

Great job with this video! I am definitely unique among my friends in terms of idealizing my partners. Heard it all my life from my buddies. Never really been able to tame that part of me which is probably a significant reason why I spend a lot of time not interested in pursuing relationships. I'm pretty volatile that way. Keep the good vids coming! :)

[@lotuseater5032]

As an Infj, I tend to do exact the OPPOSITE from what you said. To elaborate; I tend to sort of manipulate myself into thinking how things are actually worse than they are in reality. Specific example is when my Enfj boyfriend told me he loves me for the first time (enfj's have a tendency to express their feelings more openly and are often frustrated when they don't know how the other person feels), I couldn't say it back, even though I felt it. Because I convinced myself that he wasn't telling the truth in order to prevent myself from getting hurt. That's the tendency of an unhealthy Infj, I believe. However, it's important to be aware of the things you do in order to improve yourself.

[@MultiThunder54]

I wish I could tell you how spot on you are about how we sort of pull the wool over our own eyes. I had a very similar situation happen to me. Thanks for this video. :) I sometimes forget about my past

[@01Mlandry]

Joseph Vargas Hey no problem! Thanks for commenting!:)

[@DianaRangelMUA]

true

[@RyuukoGo]

As you get older you may develop and automatic bail skill...mine is a self preservation skill that over rides my attachment to anyone and I just leave.We think they can change because we can,

[@Heruwath007]

From my perspective as an INFJ it'S slightly different. You might think, that we become naive or "blind", but that's not the complete truth. We decide to be "blind", because we see more value in keeping the person we like around uns and to help them to evolve into even better people. So it's not about being so much in love that you become blind, it's about deciding to invest yourself and your skill into your partner, because you want them to become something even better. In addition there is also the light expectation that we will receive the same amount of investment from our partner helping us to grow and become even better people. Well, maybe I feel this way, because I am older :)

[@JaneSylviaSimone]

SO TRUE ! Beware of INTJ narcissists

[@TheMomarorkokusos]

As an ENFJ I can relate a lot to most of the problems you talked about. For example the whole idealization issue: I even sometimes reinterpret spotted flaws on certain individuals, to which I´m quite drawn to, interesting as stregths totally ignoring the first hand negative feeling I had about it. I guess this is because the Ni-function is very conceptual and dynamique and deals with those interpretations over time. This always leads to some kind of uncertainty about the intentions and the all over character of that particular person in a given moment. Our Fe tendencies than will always try to harmonize everything so we will reevaluate the person and create this idealized version of her/him in our heads. It´s as I would do this semi-consciously to give them a chance to workout their problems so I can keep up the belief that the whole relationship might work out in the long run. In contrast to you the resulting problem for me is not that I get in unhealthy relationships easily, but that I totally start doubting my ability to seperate the picture from the person. This leads to a lot of passivity and extensive brooding, which I find rather exhausting. Another result of this behaviour is that some people I had a cruch on didn´t recognize it at all for a ridiculously long time, especially when they are Ni-types themselves. Have this problem with an INFJ-girl I´m in a close friendship with right at this moment. I do not know if you ever read about socionics and it´s approach on romance styles, but I found it surprisingly accurate: The whole description of all Ni-types as "victims" sounds a bit pathologic at first, but once you realize they just chose the name in order to have a sharp contrast to the other styles it actually makes a lot of sence. This also might explain why the more narcissistic types are so much drawn to you: Most of them should be Se-users who just like to absorb your Ni-vibes, which is exactly what they are looking for. I also liked this further classification with the ENFj and INFp (= INFJ) as challengers/trophies, but sadly this isn´t worked out a lot: www.the16types.info/vbulletin/content.php/101-Erotic-Attitudes I know MBTI and socionics types are not 100% interchangable, but I dropped that in order to keep this simple. So please don´t comment on that. I also apologize for all the small grammar mistakes, I´m not a native speaker :D I enjoyed your video a lot, keep up the good work. I always love listening two INFJs, it´s like listen two a more calm and reflected version of myself... :-P

[@kevinkascolinkeithtimghera4305]

Wow, great video. I'm an INFJ, and every relationship I've had has been a narcissist, and they all approached me.

[@NothingsR33L]

naive in love...agreed...I think we are the most childlike in love. innocent, herbish, hopeful, blind

[@Beeyourself321]

I am an ENTP, but I somehow relate quite strongly to the first point, about idealising the love interest. This has only ended in me getting hurt- I fall too fast, put on my rose coloured glasses and basically don't realise when the person I care so much about is using me/ neglecting me/ manipulating me. I have to make a concerted effort now, not to do this. Putting someone on a pedestal is never healthy, as I have now realised. And it is not love.

[@maxlindgren8956]

I recognnize this soo much, me and my mom are infj and she's been in exactly the same situation you talk about, were she had a ton of trouble realizing that her relationship was unhealthy. It's better now though. ^^

[@01Mlandry]

Anonymous Jack I am glad to hear it is better now:)

[@ibrahimkhan27]

I'm an ENTP and I think you are very cute. Do keep in mind that ENTPs can be perceived as manipulative and narcissistic, but there have no ill intentions behind it. Its a social game that we undertake more frequently than we ought to. ENTPs and INFJ are very compatible with each other btw.

[@Runescape2398]

your very right about infj idolizing people that we fall for. my personal experience is that when i fall for someone, i have an image of them that is created by my mind and an image of them by my intuitions. i usually go a bit blind and think that the image created by my mind is accurate when it is not so accurate. thanx for video

[@T-T-Tgaming]

I had a close friend who was an INFJ. I'm an INTJ and we actually got along quite well. We both have introverted intuition. But, he got taken advantage of quite a lot and got into one relationship with a girl who was I think an ISTJ and really didn't last that long. I think that both INFJ's and INTJ's are prone to bullying and are ones that might come off as weird or whatever. I don't regret hanging out with him at all. A lot of people would give me a hard time as to why I would be friends with him. They were usually the jocks but I didn't really care. He eventually moved because his parents divorced and in fairness I haven't talked to him for many years. About eleven. I never really put up with bullying to be honest and think I came off as cold to a lot of people because I could harsh mainly why is I told he facts about pointed out how ignorant everyone else was in school. I live with an ESFJ and she's overally emotional to the point of just me wanting to hit myself on the head with a bat. I read online that NJ's and SJ's are not good fits for relationships dating wise. I can see my god. Anyways, I saw your INTJ videos and it was really good and you made some great points. Have a nice one.

[@neonglitter7]

I'm an INFJ and for me, whenever I saw something that I didn't like in my boyfriends I'd hold on to it and it would jut put me off because i stupidly expect them to be perfect and when I saw a flaw if just hold on to it and as they built up I'd end up breaking up with them. So for me being biased and naive was sort of the opposite and I sort of hate that about myself. I need to start to embrace and let go of flaws

[@coppersense999]

don't be too hard on yourself, either.

[@nileshkabra1594]

How to decide to settle down for someone then ?

[@marbachmeier300]

You are awesome and dead on yes we can sense much about people and love to help younger people prepare ,but we can't judge properly we it's on a personal bases ,Cure go to a mirror look at person on mirror as third person and objective and asses your self be critical eliminate bias LOVE your blogs very outgoing in a INFJ way extremely soothing ,and nurching personality you are good person who first and foremost want to help or be there for I to am a INFJ tryed to be critical didn't work,your inner nurching side kinda bumped my critical observation nice job.

[@tori3181]

omg yes i'm an infj and i always i mean ALWAYS attract people with sociopathic traits into my relationships. just realized the patterns recently and it's been so crazy helpful!

[@01Mlandry]

Victoria Silva Yeah it's such a sigh of relief when you can recognize this pattern. It's important that INFJs protect themselves in this area.

[@Kovenmx]

I'm a male INFJ and had a ENFP gf and our connection was extreme however I agree on our paterns of ignoring unhealthy behavior and sometimes is difficult almost impossible for us to detach from that, Even if ENFP's are our best match, we should not fall into the shadowy part of ENFP's

[@samanthasokhanyiselotshaba3071]

Thanks for the video, I really understand what you mean in this video. I had this tendency and when I left the relationship I realised my weakness. Whilst in the relationship I had this feeling that kept telling me to get out. I got so stressed because of it, I guess I was so afraid of giving up on the person. So when I left, it became clear to me that I had to deal with that part of me. Now I'm recovering, although I still think about him, I've forgiven myself in that it's not always my place to save people. It was my first relationship too so I guess I was bound to make mistakes.

[@ryanjohnson7162]

INFJ here. Good stuff, good advice!

[@MrChewy63]

The intuitive side of us INFJs is 99% correct.....scary.

[@cerebrumexcrement]

These relationship advices apply to anyone with any personality types. A person may stay in a bad relationship whether he or she is an introvert or extrovert. And your experience with one person who has mental issues, is not representative of an entire group of people. There's nothing to correspond personality types with mental issues. That is on an individual basis. We don't need anymore reasons to be divided.

[@DjCosmicRush]

thenotorious ong INTP is correlated to Schizotypal Personality Disorder tho. I don't consider that a true disorder but more a badass way of being lol

[@johnmcfadden9620]

I once had a relationship where I idealized the girl and almost worshiped her. So much so that she told me not to put her on a pedestal. As I look back I that's exactly what I was doing. She felt she couldn't live up to my expectations. Now I know why I do that, had work at controlling it.

[@michellem775]

Ignoring things when you're in love or think you are basically was my whole marriage. Not to scare you but the chances of attracting a narcissist is not as unlikely as you think.

[@trulyhuman6227]

I just wish I could get back into dating again, I'm picky already, and because of all the unhealthy relationships I have been in, I'm extremely hesitant. I slammed the door on Dating, and it is killing me, because I truly want someone in my life.

[@badral-balushi9907]

for me it's much easier to catch negative tendencies in a love relationship because I put high standards on how the person I love should be with me (to the point it becomes unhealthy habit 😫), than to catch these negative tendencies in work colleagues or people I just know but not friends because as you said then I start saying ok this happened because of such and such and won't repeat and I keep ignoring it for a long time to the point when I confront them it's no use because they got used to this relationship dynamic 😫

[@moonwolf1901]

I’m an INFJ and have most definitely attracted and been attracted to narcissists and psychopaths. I also got myself into trouble with these types by idealising them.

[@nomads7978]

It's so me. It can change. It can change and will be stuck in an unhealthy relationship. I'm usually unknowingly drawn towards woman who are rigid, stubborn. Why I do this to myself.

[@JakeGratkowski]

Tendencies tend to happen.

[@BroughChatroom]

You're helping me understand myself better.

[@falconwings1982]

Both partners must be willing to address the elephant in the room. Two way open communication is key. If you don't feel safe to open up and be your true self around that person, then that may not be a good sign. Pay attention to who how that person reacts when you are at your lowest point. I feel any person needs to appreciate every aspect of you, the light as well as the darkness. The people who are the most sure of themselves won't need to flaunt anything. To me, no one person is going to be 100 % as you expect them. We're human and will come up short sometimes. But you have to be able to read their heart & see that they're coming from a good place. The sooner the better. P.S. I live about 50ish minutes south of L.A. It's really warm here right now (like high 70s and low 80s) and would love it if you could bring with you some snow or rain to help with our water situation here in California :P

[@gemeinschaftsgeful]

I think INFJ's are lonely a lot and that makes us vulnerable to ignore the obvious psychopathic tendencies in others. I've walked into a room and watched psychopaths notice me while healthy people ignore me. They are drawn to us like magnets.

[@annstropes2236]

How did you get so wise at your age? I am an INFJ, and you are 100% right.

[@stephaniezaahl8354]

INFJ over here ,It's like I'm listening but 🙄 my mind is being stubborn. I'll comeback if I get a boyfriend.

[@HeavenlyH3R0]

You posted this on my birthday haha. I noticed when I was in relationships I would notice patterns and I would make excuses over and over. Madness haha.... I am typing as I watch. The last girl I talked to was kind of psychotic.. Your story on the guy you dated matches my relationship pretty closely. only difference is i noticed the patterns but was afraid of them. You give great advice. Much love to you Miss Melody :)

[@jj-ey3ov]

Mid forties dudes shouldn't listen to 15 year olds (just kidding) on relationships but this is well done. Good job. Don't underestimate how many psycho's are out there it is a spectrum. The narc/psycho dynamic is the residual of our parasitic culture. They are everywhere to some degree. One video I watched suggested to date ones own personality type now I am searching the proverbial haystack....

[@mohamedramal8678]

Thanks for the video.. I relate to what did you say, well said.

[@lilred2331]

i tend to get confused when their words and body language don't match....but emotions can definitely cause Ni blindness sometimes when i fall in love.

[@joshy2joshy]

Being a human is so much effort, after I got abandoned by a narcissist for standing up for myself, I still felt like the worst human being on the planet. You hurt yourself the moment you even speak to a narcissist.

[@Exiltruman]

Hello Miss Melody. A lot of truth spoken. I like it. And you do look really nice. :) Fellow INFJ.

[@ashwinipethe4222]

been there done that too... but thankfully in my case, it was a psycho best friend and not a boyfriend. but she did cause me a lot of hurts. anyway thanks for such self-help videos.

[@sriharsh567]

She's so beautifullllllllllll,😘😘😍😍😍😍

[@christopherj5780]

I'm not sure how to ask without sounding off. I've struggled till a couple years ago, INFJ t 5w4 just turned 50. So good for you learning this early on. Thinker and feeler but unable to let anyone close. Not afraid or psycho or what not. Is this a thing?

[@christopherj5780]

Why stay? The alternative is no one. And I don't know it's why I reading and watching.