INFJs: Stop Obsessing Over What People Think About You

[@Egr3gious]

"You cannot be authentic AND a people pleaser. They are opposites." This right here is what clicked for me. I value authenticity immensely, and hearing that along with my self awareness of my people pleasing habit put me in my place. Thank you.

[@khyati7733]

Wow...exactly my thoughts as well. Ive learned by now that being authentic and honest is very important to me.

[@kilgoretrout3966]

Well, i would put it, "you cannot be both at the same time"

[@juliawest5528]

love this guy!

[@Not2DaySatan224]

Amen!

[@vslsk8605]

"People respect confident people" I have tried this feeling. I thought I was arrogant 😁 but I am just figuring out that it's the right thing

[@astzfat3319]

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." One of my all time favorite Albert Einstein quotes.

[@joy_villa]

😮❤❤❤❤

[@HelenThomasCreativeHealer]

I have removed comments on YT many times, most often if they are ignored completely. I think at the root of an xNFJ our inner child's deeply felt emotional abandonment, drives us to seek connection with others, often by doing/being what we perceive they want. During childhood when we needed to be loved tenderly, especially in times of distress, our caregivers were not connected to us on an emotional level. One of the most healing and self-transformative practices I have cultivated is self-embracing. At times of emotional reactivity (or by purposefully connecting to split off parts of myself) bathing my heart in tender, powerful, embracing love - like a parent to a child, has released long held negativity, slowly revealing more of my true self over time. I'd recommend this practice for xNFJs ♥

[@nllionel4926]

This is great advice. Don't delete LOL

[@HelenThomasCreativeHealer]

@@nllionel4926 Thank you so much for your kind comment :)

[@kilgoretrout3966]

i had a wonderful upbringing but am still an INFJ-T.

[@wendygraham7787]

Thanks for your comment. I had a similar upbringing and have always been a people pleaser. I have been working on healing my inner child too!

[@jaysmusic7729]

My upbringing was fine

[@spring7643]

I hate having Fe and absorbing other people's feelings.

[@edwardzhou8590]

It can be easy to focus on the negative and I think we’ve all been there, I just wanna let you know you’re a great human. So in moments of negativity/complaint understand how much you’ve positively affected others’ lives. You are worth more than you know and you deserve peace and love in your life - it all starts with you

[@mj5311]

I enjoy it when it's pleasant but it sure can be overload. When possible if I'm overwhelmed and possible to walk away I do when I need to

[@bastianrivero]

Im a people avoider 😂

[@LillithElaina]

Lol I love the minion's meme that says "I saw people through the window today, that's enough social interaction for the day!"

[@bastianrivero]

Lyli INFJ Learning Yourself haha! Yep! I sometimes crave for social interaction but then i realize its too draining for me 🤪

[@LillithElaina]

@@bastianrivero The paradox of being an INFJ lmfao xD Wanting to talk to people yet not actually talking to the people because sometimes we just can't. It's a wonder we ever do it lol

[@bastianrivero]

Lyli INFJ Learning Yourself our own mind is interesting enough 🤪

[@duniqueseason4464]

@@LillithElaina OMG that's what I often do because I actually enjoy "my own company". Solitude allows me to think about "Ideas" regarding my creative hobbies. And what INFJs are not is pretentious; We're authentic. As a retired senior I've finally overcome people pleasing. Not only do I get more respect, but I'm comfortable with not caring about what others think. I even had to rid my company of energy vampire-hater-relatives and so-called friends. Saying the word "No" is so much easier to say with age. Just one problem..sometimes I feel guilty about not missing them. No more do I try to "council" them with no progress. LOL Better late than never.

[@juliam.2291]

Omg thank you! As an INFJ, I can relate to every word. Gonna wear something weird this weekend lol

[@ClayArnall]

ha do it

[@marionalopezcorominas3930]

Clay, I am so thankful for your content, is a job to stop being a people pleaser and what I do is spending less time with people as I feel hard to handel. I follow you and I do really feel than your content is really helpful. Warm regards from Barcelona, Catalonia. Actually I descover about my INFJ personality tipe quite reaccenty. I would like to put more time in my passions, set bouderies and please myself instead of others. Thank you! @Clay Arnall

[@Learning737]

My favorite thing to do after watching an INFJ video is going to the comments😂 Every comment section has essays in the comment section I love it hahah

[@Andrei-yv8fz]

Thank you for making this video, I really needed to hear this. Playing janitor to other people's comfort has caused me a great deal of unhappiness.

[@ClayArnall]

yeah feels so good to stop doing that

[@spring7643]

Same here, and what a great way to word it. It is like being a janitor and cleaning up other people's problems.

[@KevinJones-zv6zw]

I've felt like a true shape shifter, and let me tell you honey I can play any part thrown my way except normal. Boring ✔💯😊

[@gijose83]

@@spring7643 great analogy

[@apinchofhealthy]

Love this!🥰 Let me add that INFJs do this because we both crave and misunderstand true HARMONY. Because of our external feeling, we are trying to harmonize ourselves by controlling our external world (people pleasing, hiding to feel safe, etc.). This struggle is an indication of a misplaced sense of control and a misunderstanding of what harmony actually IS. When we attempt to harmonize by sacrificing our own well-being, we actually just took the conflict and stuffed it inside ourself. We simply relocated the conflict from our outer world to our inner world.😫 It feels crappy because I used to do this! This is NOT true harmony, and it is a painful way to live. Instead of trying to control the external, we should start cultivating harmony from WITHIN. This comes by being assertive, trusting ourselves, having courage and self respect to set good boundaries, releasing the illusion that we can control others by pleasing them, etc. Once you feel confident and at home with yourself, you feel safe to be authentic and find true harmony with others. I used to avoid conflict at all costs, just stuffing things that bothered me inside. It sucked. I now prefer to address conflict quickly, especially within relationships. With people I don't care about, I don't bother. They just get the INFJ door slam. 😜😂 With people that are important to me, I choose to address conflict directly, with love, gentleness, ease and lots of grace. This is the only way to have true harmony.

[@LillithElaina]

OMG Yes! I definitely agree and came to a similar conclusion as well. It wasn't until I felt truly loved, appreciated, and comfortable in my environment that I actually felt like I could be who I was instead of being stifled by others or needing to control the world around me that it was my main focus instead of myself. It's been liberating being able to finally have this sort of feeling. Being able to share my "teddy bear" side (as I call it) has been like a blessing. I try to share with as many people as possible but it really just depends on how accepting I feel they are. But either way I still try to send love to everyone now, no matter what, because they have their own things going on and I'm not the one making their decisions. I could go on lol But overall just YES YES YES love this! So glad you've found it within you too and that you're a healthy INFJ now 💖🤗

[@baileyab47]

Straight up wisdom.

[@KIMBERLY-er9yk]

I deleted my blog because I was worried about what people thought. I don't follow the crowd, so my articles were against everything I've been taught my entire life. Twenty articles ....gone because I didn't want to be exposed.

[@melbeth79]

INFJs : You are not responsible for other people's emotions. INFPs: Other people are not responsible for your emotions. That about sums it up for both types, which can both be very empathetic but in different ways. Signed, an INFP.

[@ClayArnall]

hmm interesting. My mom is INFP actually :)

[@nllionel4926]

Yes, and so I also feel that INFPs have a stronger sense of self. Also, INFJs seem to me to be more value-relative and this can be seen as championing the underdog, shifting positions and seeing the motivations of the person who seems to others to be 'absolutely wrong'. In movies this translates to sympathising with the wrong-doer, where everyone around me is saying "punish him".

[@melbeth79]

@@nllionel4926 infps (and isfps) definitely have a strong sense of self. I have found that more outwardly Ni-Fe infjs will question their identity or sense of self more than ones who are more Ni-ti. Both types can certainly gravitate toward rooting for the underdog, but tend to go about it differently.

[@Rochester92G]

@@nllionel4926 I wouldn't say stronger sense of self, moreso stronger as far as in tune with their feelings. The self is a different thing altogether, not solely one function. Also, I find both of this woman's example interesting because I'd say they're just two sides of the same coin.

[@cazbee6126]

A big yes to pushing yourself into the edges of discomfort. I'm so glad I did this in early adulthood. It has lead to a much more broad and satisfying life. And the ladies get to look forward to the menopause - after which you really won't give a shit 😁

[@AbundanceMindset111]

I love the frame and camera angle and setting you have. It helps me concentrate on what you are saying and very relaxing. The blue tshirt helps too.

[@stephaniemcfarlane4518]

It is interesting the things you notice. It shows so much about your awareness. I know I like the video but I couldnt identify why like you have. Lovely.

[@liabw05]

Spoken like a true infj 😏

[@Valentinfj]

Sanhita, you are ISFP?

[@AbundanceMindset111]

Thank youu guys. I am infj.

[@Valentinfj]

You're very welcome! 🏡🙂

[@MiranaCookingLife]

Thank you for being autentic. Still struggling with pleasing people, and finding time thinking what I realy want. It's so great to see that you are not alone!

[@tigerex777]

It took me about 37 years-ish to stop being this way. Now at 40 I'm almost the opposite where I almost never do what people want me to do, sometimes to the point of looking like a selfish jerk lol. Why can't I find a middle ground?

[@LillithElaina]

It's probably because they were so used to you being the person who always said yes that when you finally decided to set your boundaries, now people are feeling entitled to you saying yes. So they're frustrated that THEY can't control you. It's hard at first but it does get easier over time! Hang in there, don't give in to their pushiness, you got this! (:

[@evamarie03]

I found out I'm an infj recently and omg other infj's experience so much of what I go through. Don't know why someone else suffering from the same things makes me feel better but it does, maybe because I don't feel so alone anymore. People have always treated me like I was different but I've always felt different too. I went through so much in life and I wish I knew all of this about myself because I wouldn't have suffered so much in life. Thank you, I really enjoy your videos!

[@neilericksson6989]

Being a people pleaser may also be to try and “keep the peace” or not to be the cause of disruption, disappoint or hurt another. But I agree with you. I suppressed my sexuality almost my whole life in order to keep the peace at home and in my church. This was to my detriment in many ways and is the greatest regret of my life. I would never do it again if I had my life to live over. It took me a very long time to understand that what others think of me is none of my business. This is why I love your videos as you are so positive and practically so helpful.

[@artsifam2761]

This is the first video I heard from you a year ago. To put this into practice, I posted imperfect content on KZbin called "The Dubstep Project", knowing it wasn't perfect and wouldn't likely be considered perfect. It was the hardest thing I have done, but I noticed that each post after (exposure therapy), I was much less concerned about the perfectionism of each subsequent post. I have not mastered my fear of imperfectionism, but it isn't nearly the weakness it was a year ago. Thank you for helping me grow.

[@rachelbass7914]

Pretty arrogant of someone to suggest you are pretentious! Whatever! I loved the practicality of this video. Tangible examples to help others apply the principles of being comfortable with oneself. Some of the concepts overlap what I’ve been made more aware of. So, thank you for putting this out there. Much appreciated!

[@SweetyShanice96]

You’ve explained my life so very well especially an INFJ. I love the example that you used for Miley Cyrus. I didn’t like how people were so shocked about her transition into a new person (or someone who’s she’s always been, but we never got to see) as if she wasn’t allowed to change into someone she’s always desired to be.

[@b.brightstar9189]

It is not only about people pleasing. We tend to sacrifice ourselves so much into a topic or pattern that we neglect getting a certain distance to it. We are so deep into that world that we might even be frightened to others. That happened to me so often that I am now much more careful. It frightens a lot narcissists because they are afraid that with your deep thoughts and knowledge they are unmasked by you. I think a lot of people are frightened by the honesty and authenticity. They cannot deal with the truth as we can.

[@b.brightstar9189]

Also consider that deep thinking is exhausting. That makes you vulnerable if you do not take care of yourself. You are vulnerable to others opinions.

[@ClayArnall]

yeah i agree about the narcissists. They don't like it when we try to read and figure them out.

[@user-uu3wj1ji9c]

Hi Clay and fellow INFJs.. I'm nearly 60 and still learning so much.. Clay you help that process - Thank you. I feel like I'm waking up at last and I now know that experiencing my authenticity is vital for me. I find I need to slow things down and be in quiet to know what my authentic response is. For me this process is challenging and as you say Clay you ''need to lift the weights'. I very rarely post anywhere and even writing this is my lifting the weights.. From my experience of becoming more authentic, You may need to reduce your time spent with a few or perhaps several people in your life. I've found having more times of true solitude where I authentically connect with myself is a key element in this process. So far for me being authentic is often uncomfortable and yet it is so worthwhile as I feel I'm standing on more solid ground in my life. This feels new to me and can feel strange and lonely but it wonderful also and so filled with new possibilities. When I'm being authentic I'm working on holding a compassionate presence for me and other/others. When I act authentically and if the other/others frown I say to myself 'it's ok keep going' and if they smile I say to myself 'it's ok keep going'... You see from that authentic place whatever unfolds is ok.. So my fellow INFJs keep going.. You are amazing..

[@ClayArnall]

Thank you :)

[@nmjr547]

Dear people pleaser friends, I try to choose consciously if I want to please or not. It gives you back control of the dynamic (control freak alert, yes), instead of being a victim of your own tendencies. I found that's the middle ground for not being a people pleaser and not feeling selfish either. Society also expects you to neglect yourself, specially as a woman, to please everyone else except yourself. It praises self sacrifice and punishes the opposite. Culture can be beautiful and functional, but if it gets on the way of being happy and autonomous, screw it. Anyhow, honor yourself because in the end, everyone would have lived their lives and you might be left feeling unsatisfied for not living yours. At least to me, the thought alone is terrifying. I find that it's hard for us to say "no" because we are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. To change that I think of it as saying "yes" to myself, which is easier to process than the though of "denying" whatever thing the other person wants. I hope that helps :) -INFJ.

[@LillithElaina]

Nicole I so agree!! I just watched another video with Vanessa Van Edwards in it and she touched on these points too. How women are taught to be more people pleasing that men from the time they're born. Not saying Men can't do it, just that the general trend is there because of priming (: So I totally agree with you. Find your own passions, your own strengths, and the things that make you happy, because like you said, one day you'll realize that everyone else is happy and not you because you've been so focused on others happiness and not your own. We even tend to spite them or regret it if we can't see that WE'RE the ones choosing to do this. Once we realize that we have a choice, that our lives are in our control, then we'll finally be able to move forward and live our best lives. 💖

[@nmjr547]

@@LillithElaina 💪💪💪✨

[@khyati7733]

@@nmjr547 wow i like this idea, could you elaborate on your thought process/how to go about this?

[@DaftAlive3]

I’ve been watching your videos for a week or so now and wow! You make great and helpful content. Thank you.

[@DavidS7474]

The dislikes comes from narcissists, they don't want you to help their preys. Good video man, keep going!

[@nllionel4926]

19:38 this happened to me this week, I decided to keep to the speed limit and this woman started flashing headlights and waving her arms like a crazy person. Then I failed, instead of allowing her to be aggressive and NOT letting it affect me, it ended up in an altercation by the time we reached the next traffic light. Trying this out is a process I guess. Have been agonising over this for a couple of days now, this type of confrontation makes me feel sick. I think the answer is for me to learn to stay calm instead of responding with anger, because it was the fact that i responded that made me feel bad about it. Conflict, arghhhhhhh....:(

[@khyati7733]

Its okay! Learning to not people please takes time and practice! You'll get there :)

[@janicetasker1854]

Being HSP ( highly sensitive person) it has been so hard working on what you are helping with this video. I have always been a people pleaser 77+ years. I will keep working on feeling more authentic

[@mwl41223]

This is one of the most significant videos I've seen in a long time. Wish I could have had this insight and affirmation years ago. Encouraging to know there are others like me 😊.

[@deepak1987]

Superb video quality and lighting. Being invisible becomes a default way of being, because that gives you 'freedom'. Like the concept of 'red ocean' and 'blue ocean', red ocean is the place where everyone competes, blue ocean is the unexplored free space. I try to have a touch and go relation with society itself and all others. Being invisible equates to blending in everywhere, it is a combination of avoidance and camouflage. It is a survival mechanism I feel, a default mode of being that keeps you out of trouble. Being noticed in any way, positively or negatively, is trouble in a way, it is subtly imprisoning. Because then you get hooked into the expectations of others. Those are real forces you know, not just imaginary. I dono maybe their auras develop a patterned relation with your aura, i dono, but it is something that is tangibly felt. A distinct different context/paradigm happens with each person. So this blending/remaining undetected, is a minimization strategy to avoid the projection of others on you in any form. So that makes you an uncover everywhere. You are always in a mirror mask. By mirroring everything, you can move in and out of any environment without any tethers. With minimum repercussions, attachments, or hooks. So then there is a kind of free flow harmony. I think it is also the love for harmony, the desire for harmony, that makes us do that. Like the desire to overpower another's music with yours is so little. And even if you do, there will be a sorta power struggle. It can be avoided if you just tune to them instead, because that takes such little effort, Compared to them coming to your level. Your like: "Why should I bug this guy, I know he is in a different tune, I can tune to him, but he cannot tune to me, And the difference between us is anyways worlds apart, like the bird and the fish, So why not just harmonize with him when he is there, and then go back to my room and re-engage my home frequency" That's kind of the way I think. There is also the element of "vain and futility" of ever being properly seen or understood. Only someone at that same level of depth/nuance and subtlety (energy freq) can get you. So that is what leads to the depression, and I think it is a real experience, In the sense the depression is about accepting the existential fact that you cannot dance with everyone, Only with very few, that too in only limited ways. Because there are very few who live in the same abode/depth/realm/height as you. So that is what creates the reclusive behavior too. Trying to market yourself as you are, will just bring unimaginable resistance, And you can already intuit this because there is clear awareness that the majority sings and dances to a different tune. So it is a situation of outer poverty (very few people to dance with, and in very limited ways even there), But an inner richness, I think that is what makes us hermit like. We isolate because the inner is far richer than the outer. I can dance with my thoughts in a million ways, but only in 1000 ways with the outside. So like you hinted in another video, it is like being 25 years old in a world full of 4 year old toddlers. Its like a parent child one-way relationship, and its very hard to get an equal relationship. Or another way to look at it is, you are just alien, and so there is a fundamental aloneness in the dark of the ocean. So there is a decision of, what is worth being? a worth that goes beyond what others want me to be. Those are some of my thoughts. I'd be very interested to know what you think about this too.

[@yjklee6451]

Thank you for this video! It was much needed. Reflecting back on my life and freshman/sophomore year of college. I was the biggest people pleaser. I ran around the school from group to group, person to person, changing who I was like this shape shifting puddy. And those were the years I was most miserable looking back at it. I utterly hated myself. Like really hated. Recently I got a text from someone at my school who is quite popular and she told me that “everybody likes me.” And for some reason, these words didn’t spark joy. Instead my mind immediately went to the thoughts of how much I hated myself during those times. Which goes to show the dissonance or stark contrast between everybody liking me and internally hating myself because I wasn’t being true to myself.

[@kimslone5185]

Thank you for this one. Regarding the comment "pretentious" -- I think that when you specify your ideas, defining them with more words in finer detail, some people will think your vocabulary is you showing off, when anyone who truly listens will appreciate what you're doing when you fully define your concepts. Perspective definitely helps with handling comments, positive and negative. I'm glad you have healed this issue for yourself and thank you for providing insight to things that are often hard to put into words.

[@keishareyes9]

Clay, I appreciate your content so much. I have always tested as an infj, & Learning ourselves is such an intense, layered experience. I have always had a hard time with my personality, social akwardness, my need to be alone, etc. It feels very wrong behaving that way in a extroverted world. I really tried to change myself for years... just to fit in... Your videos have really changed the way I see myself. I feel so much more comfortable just being me. Plus, this video couldnt come at a better time. I was literally on my commute home thinking... I dont feel like stretching myself thin like I usually do this holiday season.. I need to find a way to to skip it all, and do what I want. (Feels nearly impossible when your family is so needy of your time). But your video gave me the courage to just say NO.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

that is beautiful!! keep at it!

[@keishareyes9]

@@JonasAnandaKristiansson Thank YoU 😊

[@ClayArnall]

yeah, the holidays can get pretty ridiculous can't they. Sounds like you're getting the point and are on the right path though :)

[@stephaniemcfarlane4518]

You go girl. The right knowledge makes us so much more powerful.

[@brittanyluvsyouso]

I actually find that I am more comfortable saying no to people if I look good. I feel like it gives an extra boost to your confidence. I'm going to practice saying no more often starting with an event I don't want to go to.

[@haziqshahbudin8318]

The first few seconds of this video really touched me deep in my heart that I feel like I could cry because of the truth in what he said. This is probably my third or fourth video of him that I have watched. The first one i finished, the second one was too overwhelming for me that I just had to stop. Not because its bad but because the words that he said feels like somebody is addressing things that I feel and experience that I never before understood. A people pleaser, that is me. I always put everyone else’s happiness first before mine and many times I often wondered when would it be my time to be happy. I hope I would have the courage to hear everything that he said. Thank you.

[@Citrine-K]

One of the best KZbin videos I have ever watched! You are so eloquent and you speak in a non-stop fashion. You don't stutter or lose confidence part way through. Your ideas are great for self-improvement! I love that you included "empathetic types", instead of just focusing narrowly on the INFJ stereotype! Thumbs up!

[@ajaz.9456]

I really appreciate your tips on stepping out on being a pleaser. I've been a pleaser all my life and I'm so ready to change. I'm going to try this...well not the walking naked! Lol Thank you!!!🤗🤗🤗

[@vasssie]

Thank you for making these long videos, they are really well constructed, also your voice is so calming and encouraging. I only recently started thinking about how inauthentic it is that I always cater to what the others want - didn't use to be this way when young but I think a relationship with a narcissist swayed me to the other way. I have started trying to give contra when being too complicit but it's not so easy - I just can't sit at a table knowing the others are not 100% pleased ... I will keep trying !

[@Maria-bq5ld]

So happy I found your videos, ENFP here and I feel like I need the INFJ balance in my life🙏🏻❤️

[@tiwiogunye]

As an infj I need enfp as well 😭❤

[@lonelybanditband1349]

So true about the "not caring about the good stuff" re: thoughts and comments impacting self-esteem. There's an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) metaphor called the infinite chess board that I think you would like. It speaks to how either obsessing over "good" or "bad" comments from others/in our own self talk, regardless of the valence of those thoughts or comments, can drive disconnection from the present moment and from self and others.

[@lonelybanditband1349]

...fighting the urge to remove this comment ;)

[@magotchii5225]

I always listen to your videos while doing my school works. Its like hearing myself talk without me having to do so. My mind tends to wonder A LOT when I do things instead of focus on a task single mindedly, so this really helps my mind to shut up for a while hahaha. The topics you're talking about literally is what goes in and out of my mind all day.

[@natr411]

Lol...I love the driving exercise! I have done this multiple times, but I have to intentionally engage it. It is work to be ok with yourself and not please everyone, to be direct instead of passive aggressive.

[@rebecaprs]

I rediscovered your videos at the right time. Many years ago, when I discovered I was an INFJ, I started my search for videos that made me understand myself better, understand the way my mind works so I could keep pushing myself foward. And I found your videos, but I feel like I wasn't ready for them yet. Today, looking into my favorites playlist here on youtube, this video and many others from your channel were there. And now everything just made sense. I couldn't help but write down all of my insights while watching this video. The fact that I can see myself in you, and by that I mean that I identify with your voice tone, body language, mind flow, all of that helped me know exactly what I should do to be a healthy and authentic INFJ, unafraid of showing people who I actually am. So thank you, Clay! Thank you for sharing your authentic self and leading us through this long journey. I'm a huge admirer of your work. We can do it!

[@ptb4049]

Good job Clay 😎👍 I like the auto analogy, feeling the driver behind me almost like they're touching the back of my brain

[@gailmaltese7277]

This is spot on regarding narcissist people and the need to practice! I am a 56 yr old female. I did these things in my late 20s after soul searching and knew I had to become more uncomfortable. I had to change. I kept getting taken advantage of... or I was allowing it. I did lose friends too. But man......so worth it! I can walk down the street naked with self confidence but my professional life still worries about what everybody thinks.... still working on that. Good stuff.

[@angiem101]

Thanks for this video. Man, I have noticed that when I feel like I can't be my authentic self, I pull away from the relationship, and stop all communication because of how I feel when I am around that person or the people. Since I am aware of this, I am working on being more intentional on presenting my true self to people and family. One huge takeaway from this video; I am going to exercise presenting my ideas and thoughts to people without thinking if they'll like it or not. I used to think I was a super private person, but I have now identified this as me hiding my true self due to fear of criticism of others. Thanks for the traffic example and fashion examples / challenges, I'll try these for sure. QUESTION: Is it difficult for you to watch your own videos or be satisfied with your finished work?

[@astzfat3319]

Many times I have thought how I desire not to feel either pleased by praise, nor bad from critism.

[@lazynoran1084]

i've always had this problem as an INFJ well this feels new, but maybe i'll start posting my drawings for a start? thank you so much for these valuable lessons.

[@belcantoarias853]

Thank you Clay for a great video again. I identify with every point you mention. Being a professional artist I know too well having been confronted with people, who had difficulties with me questioning tradional ways of interpretation. In these moments of innovative creation, It is very true we have to keep staying confident and not go into a hiding mode, because we are so put off by people. This can be challenging!

[@vincentlin7372]

This explains so much for me, feels so much more comfort that I am not the weird one

[@aprilsomerville9107]

Dude, we're like the same person. You're my new self help guru lol

[@elska17]

Very good toppic! I have discovered that (trying to) please people (probably narcistic people) has drained my energy that much that I thought getting lazy for doing things to help people afterwards. And my 1st thought then appears like: I'm a selfish person.

[@emmacarey2949]

I'm glad you're finding your assertive voice Clay, you have it all going for yourself. I agree with your tests, the traffic one I've done a few times... very enjoyable I will say.infj in romantic relationships are at high risk of creative suppression.i remember a unique business plan I drafted and got backing from the enterprise board with set up costs etc... and my then partner ridiculed and mocked me to the point that I withdrew my proposal. He gaslighted my writing passion too and lots of other engagements I dabbled in.he was not the first. Us infjs are so talented and diverse and so authentic that our creative output can be "edgy". I'm putting out a book soon and I'm not holding back. We have unique content that needs to be born. I hope you continue those exotic photoshoots Clay and bypass those who project their own insecurities. Infjs now more than ever are lifting the veils and we are all on to great things here. Thanks for your video, you're a pleasure to watch. BTW...I named my 4 year old son Klay... Is there a story behind your birthname? If you're up to sharing

[@ClayArnall]

thanks for the comment. I believe my name came from this guy my mom knew. He was the best water skiier on the lake I grew up on :)

[@emmacarey2949]

@@ClayArnall fabulous:)

[@nmjr547]

Congratulations for your soon to be published book, for your son, and for being brave to not hold back! :) It makes me so angry when people get emotionally abused... specially by the people they love... But I think it's part of the things we have to learn as empaths. Stay strong 💪 INFJ hugs

[@emmacarey2949]

@@nmjr547 thank you Nicole, writing is cathartic for me, but when I say I won't be holding back, I don't mean pointing the finger externally in my upcoming memoir... But a self scrutiny of my infj processing of all travails in all terrains of my life, a hands up approach to my input conscious or not in all I've attracted in my thirty four years. infjs are open to abuse of all varieties, it just takes time for us to blossom and utilise all our tools to become ninjas. Infj hugs... I like that :)

[@TreasureSeasons]

Being called pretentious used to make me feel so bad that I would tear myself down to make them comfortable with me lol 😂

[@haname802]

I like the idea of being" action taker " there is no substitute for take action even if fails.

[@LillithElaina]

Yes! There's a quote I love that goes something like "You will fail at every opportunity you do not take" It's so true. You have no chance of doing something right if you never even try (:

[@super3mpath]

Apparently practise pays off ....love your authenticity 👍

[@avanellehansen4525]

I loke your get out of your comfort zone exercises. I took a job finding class that assigned everyone to go into a small business (like 7-11 or a coffee shop) and ask for directions to the business they're standing in. Everyone reported that they weren't mocked or shamed, but just told, "hey, guy, you're there!"

[@instar9737]

Thank you! I really needed to hear this.

[@diyarhassan1203]

Thanks! I just re-posted something I had deleted seconds after posting it. And it felt great telling myaelf "I don't care!".

[@manjubhartola3011]

Way to Go! :)

[@JupiterLight28]

Oh my gosh! Finding a place to eat is soo hard. Thank you so much to the video. I wish my therapist would have had this talk with me when I was struggling.

[@USSJ2Otaku3084]

I had tried fitting in, trying to keep those whom I love the most happy; in the end, I suffer from being depressed. However, these days, I noticed that I'm starting to stick close to self; becoming quite of a recluse. I trust my intuition as well. What I want to work on though is blocking emotions that aren't mine and return it to it's rightful owner.

[@astzfat3319]

The "tools" you offer move the advice into reality, abling one to taking action! Much advice offers a purpose/goal and floorplan, lack building tools. Thank you very much for tools! I feel more empowered in my internal knowing, especially by the example of resistance being a good sign. Great model for this - President Trump and Swamp! He is empowered by resistence of haters!

[@kcatalano6492]

This was spot on and just what I needed! Thank you so much for putting yourself out there to help others who are also struggling to be their authentic selves. I have battled being a people pleaser who always puts herself last for a very long time and you have given me the motivation to begin to make a change! You are a beautiful person! Thank you.

[@teejay8258]

Awesome advice. Felt a cold shiver down my back when you talked about going at the speed limit with somebody behind you. Going to try it though 😄

[@Lotusblume.8]

It’s funny, I did exactly what you said recently with a family member and just said no. She could have said please or something but instead she tried to manipulate me and gave me another option that would have been another favor, so if you won’t do this for me, do you promise to do that for me? And I said NO. I don’t have to take either option. The old me would have relented but the new me just said no. I’m pretty proud of myself lol.

[@connieo.8400]

So glad I found this video. You articulate everything so well and your advice is very practical. It's honestly just what I needed to hear. I'm an INFJ who constantly feels conflicted (which is common among a lot of us, I think) because I'm torn between being my authentic self and my desire to please others/be well-received (darn that extraverted feeling). My Fe feels like it's in overdrive a lot of times when I'm around others. Subscribed and looking forward to more videos from you. Thank you for putting this content out there for us other INFJs who are struggling.

[@realmaer6108]

Thank you for sharing your experience. i think many empathetic people have issues with personal boundaries. And it's very problematic, because at some point your just stop to livsng your life for solving another people's problems.

[@linros187]

I believe haters are often the people who wish they were doing what you are doing, but are too scared to put their work out there. So much easier to criticize someone else's work, quite often they actually like what you have created, but it reminds them of what they are not doing that they really want to be doing.Sometimes the more they like what you do, the more they hate/criticize. It's often based in jealousy of your talent and courage, and insecurity about their own talent along with negative self criticism, which prevents them from developing work in the same field as yours.

[@9fiveb180]

We learn to be confident in ourselves and our abilities by the way our primary care givers interacted with us during our formative years, right? But since something about that interaction was off somehow, we became hyper-vigilant and accustomed to pleasing those around us so that we felt safe and loved and accepted. Very much the same way we learned and were conditioned to by our primary care givers. So how does one teach themselves something that takes others cooperation and interaction to properly function?

[@JoeMotionVideos82]

I'm growing into the point where I do what I want, that makes me happy and not caring so much about what people think. If I have to expend a lot of energy to keep people in my life and they give nothing back, they just aren't worth my time.

[@camilkyblog]

You have a very nice, gentle voice. Could you though try to turn the audio up for your future videos? 😊 Anyway, thank you for the video, I enjoy the way you speak. It shows that you are really thinking about what you're saying. I like the example excercises you gave, like driving at the speed limit even though there's an impatien person in the car behind you, or still going out even if you're dressed like a slop - I've been trying those, and even though it's not comfortable, I keep on trying. But I've realized that my problem is that I get these random sparks of energy and "rebelliousness" where I suddenly say fuck it to all the people pleasing behaviour and do something that nobody likes. Then, half an hour later, the moment's gone and I'm left with pissed people all around me and guilt gnawing at my insides like crazy. That's something I guess I struggle with the most...

[@ClayArnall]

I guess it depends on what 'rebelliousness' means. If it's something authentic from inside yourself, then you should just own it. Be yourself and don't feel bad. I guess the flip side is if you do something somewhat reckless or something, then yeah maybe that's a different story ha.

[@billiemike100]

Thanks a lot for posting your videos. I’m going through gaining self confidence at the moment and trying to figure out what I want to do, be who I want to be and stop people pleasing. Sometimes people pleasing does help with getting me out of the house and at the end of the night I really did truly enjoy myself but then theirs the times it was just bad the whole time. I’m working on balance and I love what you said about “like a pendulum”. Totally true. I’ve watched a couple of your videos and I subscribed. I am an INFJ, funny I didn’t know I was until about almost a year ago and it helped me to understand so much about my self instead of just saying,”I’m a weirdo” plus at about the same time I discovered I’m also an empath, Christina Lopes helped me understand that on KZbin also. Anyways thanks again cause I could go on for hours so I’m a go. Keep up the great work and I’ll be checkin in here and there so I can continue my Awesome journey of becoming my true self. ~Michael Wasco

[@ShruthiLakshminarayana]

Great tip on practicing things, specially when people are against it .. I liked it! Thank you❣️

[@jaimiehorton9669]

This was amazing, thank you! 😊 That was such good practical advice to build skills. I've subconsciously been doing it already to some degree lately in small ways but I'm looking forward to putting more thought into it. I've found setting boundaries is a huge part of getting over people pleasing, and getting over perfectionism too. The foundation of all these ideas is self-worth, which I still find difficult to have consistently but I can identify when that's the issue I'm having a little easier now at least.

[@mendingmandy869]

Thank you so much for your amazing insights. Honestly, Im just realizing that I am a people pleaser. I came to this video because I am currently experiencing guilt after putting down boundaries with a family member. I now feel more empowered to keep doing these hard things so I can become more authentic and free.

[@hufflychii]

As a fellow INFJ, I really relate to what you're saying. I remember someone calling me pretentious and "playing the victim". It completely destroyed me. I withdrew more and avoided the whole class, for a year ..

[@gzannegratt7525]

I love how you explain everything on being authentic. Can I ask some tips on making a decision?

[@LillithElaina]

What do you mean by making a decision? What kind of tips are you looking for? (:

[@gzannegratt7525]

@@LillithElaina Hi, I just realized my decisions are often wrong, when I lose my interest in a certain job because of the people around.me that I don't like I easily quit and it usually leave me hanging looking for a new job.

[@nicholasjh1]

If only I had seen this video years ago. 😂. I can 100% back this up having gone through the process. One thing is that to some empathetic people who grow up in a dangerous area this trait may not show up as people pleasing but in general it's still the same idea.

[@rastitrading]

Hey man thank you so much for your videos, don't stop making them. I think you'll get far. Your messages really resonate with me and even help me with several things.

[@ClayArnall]

thanks for checking it out, glad it helped. But not toooo glad because that would make me a people pleaser ha

[@violindalola]

You are explaining me 10000% Ugh I am trying really hard to be ok no matter what people think. Its so hard for me.

[@rebeccafaith1]

Clay - I watched this a few months ago. came back to see how I've been doing.. and i realize you have helped me to change my life, TY

[@fluffyclouds555]

I struggle with all of this. Thanks for this content as it is very thoughtful, clear, and action oriented.

[@debracottrill7989]

I used to be in my youth and thought I got a handle on it until the narcissist. He pretty much gutted me for me to finally get a grip on it for good. I have a big heart but I'm using it for my own healing and centeredness.

[@gozu9455]

Yessss! This is me. I feel like i have found home when i found your channel as well as other infj channels

[@tRuthHorne28]

I have been practicing for the past couple of years since having my daughter how to be more assertive and put my needs first, I got better at it but I do use my daughter as an excuse to get out of doing things for others, I think if you had a childhood were your emotional needs were never met and love was conditioned, you end up becoming a people pleaser I know that’s true for me. I am definitely going to try saying “sorry I can’t help it doesn’t align with my priorities” next time am being asked something I really don’t want to do.

[@libertypills5580]

We can’t help anyone if we haven’t helped ourselves first.

[@michellewei9139]

When I'm crazy mad driven in the gym, it encompasses my whole life. My "people pleaser" goes away, pretty much. Taking care of my own needs. I got called "selfish" by my husband. That killed everything! I don't do anything "moderately". For now.. five years away from all that... I'm a big people pleaser. I put myself last. But when push comes to shove, I can be a kind if director of things to get the job done! I'm done, DONE worrying about what people think. But... I put up a post on FB ... Stood strong... And my immediate family came down super hard on me and made me take it down! I'm now VERY disengaged from them due to this. It's like this "people pleasing" has been FORCED! Ugh!

[@aquariusstar7248]

I almost didn't watch this video because I didn't think I needed it. LOL! But I"m glad I did. It's so funny; I've been practicing this for the past 6 months. I had a situation where a narcissist took advantage of me because of my over empathetic nature. I've been doing so much to make others happy and feel good while neglecting my needs, I nearly ruined my health. I reached rock bottom in the martyr department and experienced people disrespecting me. I didn't understand why they were treating like that. But I thought that they just didn't understand my empathic nature and had no respect for it because they were different. It was a strong wake up call to what I was doing. I tell you--it was so hard to let go of that pattern. I felt like I was dying as I was slowly coming to the realization that what I was living as my "purpose" was detrimental to my mental/emotional/financial/physical health and not how the world works. Luckily for me, I had a few friends who supported my initiatives in being different, and so I had been practicing a lot of what you suggested. I was choosing to not wear makeup, choosing to dress in unusual costumes, expressing my spiritual beliefs on social media (even the slowing down while the aggressive driver rides our tails)--a little bit at a time. So when it came to doing a 180 in the empathic department, I think the subtle practices in authenticity gave me a leg up. I was able to let go. At first it hurt, but when I started pouring into myself, I got angry. Angry with myself because all of the time I had been neglecting myself. I'm on a wider road to self-acceptance and authenticity as a result. I am now preparing to take the energy I once put into the world to help and support other people, and put into myself. What I plan to do in the future will help others still, but it will come from a place of wholeness and I will be building my self-image rather than pouring into others and sacrificing my own. Thank you for these videos. Your insights are psychologically affirming, your suggestions let me know I'm on the right track, and this gives me the confidence to keep moving forward. Being an INFJ in this world is so awkward, but you're making it less awkward for all of us as we understand our nature better and make adjustments to be successful and more confident.

[@grumpyschnauzer]

Thank you so much for this video. This was spot on for what I needed. I shared in class today a piece of my mind/perspective on a case... the classroom falls dead heavy silent when I speak. This was the second time... it makes me feel so self conscious and then I think 🤔 was I out of line, was I too direct, too deep, too abstract? Ugh, it drives me bonkers. How do we know when we are out of line?

[@ClayArnall]

i think you have to get to a point where you actually trust your intuition. You might see things differently and in a way that challenges people. People that value tradition will have a hard time wrapping their heads around things that are presented in new ways. But you don't want to be a sheep. Be the tip of the spear instead. The world is changed by people with vision.

[@KevinJones-zv6zw]

Im sitting my mother down Thursday and watching 4 of your videos with her, so she can finally understand me. Thanks to your videos I can calmly explaine how I've felt my whole life..she has tried to understand me but with little success and its mainly my fault bc I play the strong son and just deal with everything without complaining. I play a fake part most of my time bc the only father figure I have does not even like to be around me or talk to me bc my creative ideas and stuff do not conform to hi strickt southern racist bull shit. So I thank you for these videos, I wish I could pay you for them or buy stuff from you to show support. Even though I was homeless 8 months ago..im doing very well now.

[@dayanadanova9846]

hey! i love this video and i am an INFJ too

[@dayanadanova9846]

and heal*

[@susansamsel8080]

Thanx! Balance is 🗝️in life. I'm an empathic gal with O.C.D., A.D.D., am bipolar as well... (please don't judge) Since I was in high school I was always aware that I didn't fit in... Years of life lessons & many self help studies (including Gods leading), I'm more well balanced ⚖️

[@paz5415]

Everything you said is so on spot! Its like a reflection of myself. All the things you said it's literally the things I have lived and the thing I'm working on.

[@Groovytunes96]

This is so true. Thank you for your videos. Its good to know we are not alone. I admire the fact you can post videos as an INFJ, as this is not easy. Keep up good work!

[@jacquiemcmahon7524]

Thank you! This is all such fabulous advice for me (INFJ). My “thing” is songwriting...and I’ve been slowly putting my work out there. It feels great...scary, yes, but worth it! Also, I think 24:00 to the end of the video is wonderful guidance for INFJs who have been moved to speak up and take action against racism this year (2020). Many of us are shaking things up within our families, and that’s a challenge for people with our personality type. Keep it up, fellow empaths! We need to stay strong and practice having confidence in our passion for the things we care about.

[@lisafoster3494]

Definitely relate to putting up posts and then taking them down and sometimes it has been before anyone has a chance to see it ... thanks for the ideas 💡

[@Loverguy66]

Yes, as a infj I’m always worried about pleasing others. The exposed to world commit is so relatable

[@kimslone5185]

People who work in customer service positions are used to wearing a people pleasing hat at work, then when we go home we do what makes sense about taking care of people and ourselves at the same time, and then the day is done. So often authentic pursuit of our own interests happens on weekends. And Customer Service is part of a lot of different roles in workplaces.

[@AbundanceMindset111]

Your content is very clear and very good quality. I love it.

[@aptrst]

Oh man, stop describing me, it is creepy. But seriously, it is so spot on and it helps. Thank you Clayton