INFP Enneagram Type 4 and Broken-Hearted Envy

There are nine types within the Enneagram, and each one represents a different creative flavor. In this video you'll learn about the shadow side of the 4, in the form of "Broken-Hearted Envy" - and how to avoid it, with 2 simple routines. This came as a request about my recent INFP 9 video and something that's often asked about the personality types which I talked about in my INFP 9 vs 4 video.
Section: What does it mean to be an Enneagram type 4?
Section: The shadow side of being a type 4: Broken-Hearted Envy
More on specifically INFP Enneagram Type 4
Section: How we can best overcome this envy?
Broken-Hearted Envy
The shadow side of the type 4 is the envy of those who are not broken. It presents itself as a deep longing for what others have and a feeling of discontent with what you have. The 4's focus on their inner world leads them to forget about all the goodness around them and instead fixate on all that is "wrong" with their lives. The desire for what others have can quickly become an obsession and take away from being happy with what you have been given.
The envy that 4s experience comes from your belief that you must somehow be broken or flawed and that's why you're unworthy of love and acceptance. You feel that you're not enough as you are, so they must become something else to fit in or be loved. This belief causes you, as a 4, to seek ways to become "special" so they will be worthy of love and acceptance.
AS AN INFP, IT'S LIKE A DEEP DIVE INTO FI, SEARCHING THE DEPTHS OF YOUR SOUL WITH NE, AND THEN LATCHING ONTO ALL THE MELANCHOLY AND STRONGLY PHYSICAL-FELT EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES.
How we can best overcome this envy?
According to Harvard neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, ninety seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.
- If it's not going away, then it's changing or you're fanning the flames.
- If everything is filtered through your emotions, you might as well pick the emotion that best serves you
- Find a way for real/authentic expression
I hope this video on the Enneagram type 4 (mainly leaning on the 4w5) was helpful and you'll be able to use the advice as training to become a better version of yourself.
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Disclaimer: These are my opinions. If you have a serious issue, go see a doctor. I'm sharing these because I have a lot of experience and I want to do my best to help where I can and make an impact in the best way that I can.

[@pianoimpact7699]

I’m INFP 4w3 social introvert. Definitely the envy part is true as I am a pianist and damn do I get envious of peers sometimes but I simply have to remind myself that I’m not doing it just to be better than the next person and plus there’s no productiveness in blaming myself for not being where they are yet.

[@GaryLucasMusic]

Envy of our musical peers is such a tricky one! Sending you good vibes.

[@CelinnaMawar]

I feel it. I'm a pianist and music major. Teaching now but still feel it.

[@sayonara2359]

Sameeee

[@IAmThanSolo]

I’m INFP, tritype 459 (“the contemplative”), so I often feel detached from the world / feel a struggle to succeed when I’m not ground in the real world. This might be euphemistic/denial but I don’t know that I necessarily feel envy, per se, but instead just accept as a given that others will always have more, do more, or be more than me, but like there’s no use being upset about that and just trying to find contentment and self-acceptance. Probably not the healthiest coping strategy 😅

[@rayvontebrightman4190]

Very healthy because we choose to work on ourselves and not worry about what others do or don't have

[@Pursuit4happiness]

I think same .. but yes I too didn’t see the envy part because I have this similar thought that keeps me away from that envy state but maybe ppl think I should or could be because of age and health issues that keep me from being where other are at my age but I guess I had to learn to think this way and maybe that’s something I still get upset about from time to time especially in romance and career because I’m really smart and loving but it not a smooth demonstration with the insecurities of being an alien lol as type 4 lol .. now that part of y’all can relate let me know lol

[@Individually_Authentic111]

I'm a Enneagram Tritype 459, I've been trying to practice anaylazing how I'm feeling before speaking. I find it useful as to understanding why it's making me feel a certain way. I've found that alot of the time it has to do with how I suppress my own wants and needs.

[@Individually_Authentic111]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z6Wzp3ewgbCDh8U

[@Sze912]

Relicently is a pretty great word, many thanks to INFP fella. There's many different videos on KZbin talking about MBTI and Enneagram, so far this is the most calming one to me. Appreciation from INFP 4w5. :) Oh, and I like that map and little story you create as well! Please share more about it!

[@KyleVeverka7]

That's how I felt the past week, especially because I met a lot of new people, made deeper connections to some and got closer to the life of others. It showed me the difference in our paths and I couldn't enjoy some things. I see functional families and a good support system and compare that to my situation, in which I'm just alone with my mother and the only one checking in on everybody, giving advice but still feeling unseen. This video would helped me a few days, but I didn't watched it right away. Will try to understand and adapt your advice. What helped me then was that quote: "The time you feel lonely, is the the time you most need to be by yourself" which I translated into accepting and letting the best emotion flow I can have in that moment and enjoy the friendship I have with myself. Yes, watching your favorite show with someone else would be a dream, but you managed it the past years to enjoy it and lose yourself in the happy emotions so that can't be bad either. Greetings from Germany. This is slowly becoming my favorite channel! Your voice and calmness reminds me of Dave Lee btw. :)

[@yelloneklonate8852]

Thank you for sharing. I love the quote.

[@robroycahala-barrow3485]

I am a INFP 4w5 and I resonate with video I am to reserved n shy to write down much just wanted to say I agree

[@MeliMeli66]

I wrote this in the chat by mistake: I am an INFP 4W5 selfpreservation/sexua;l instinct and as hard I try I am never satisfied with what I achieve. ​ I have a home , a wonderful husband, 2 healthy children and I have a job that uses my strengths. However, inside I still feel a restlessness as if if other people are happier or that they know more about how to enjoy life than I do. I read and try to enrich myself with hobbies but i still have the feeling inside that other people know how to be satisfied with life and I don't. I wonder how to deal with this. I know equanimity is the virtue but I don't know how to put it into practice in a concrete/practical way in my life.

[@survivor5821]

👌 💯

[@GeekPsychology]

Curious: Have you ever done a gratitude journal?

[@MeliMeli66]

Thank you.i will try that.

[@user-mb9xl2uf6j]

As a teenager infp 4w5 I have that feeling but didn't understand what is it but you expressed it wow!. Cuz I have proplem even to understand what I am feeling

Great video! I'm an INFP and I identify myself with the Enneagrams 4, 5 and 9, but I'm still not sure which one suits me the best. Even so, the advices are helpful for me, thank you.

[@goldennuggets75]

If you believe tritype theory you could have a tritype with 4,5,9, in any order. The theory holds that we have one type in each of the three centres of intelligence. 4 would be your heart type, 5 your head, 9 your gut. There's a free test by the creator online.

[@GeekPsychology]

Look hard into the fixations and vices of the types. That helped me a lot.

[@Starlight11-11]

I was feeling like there was something wrong with me ! I realized I was so frustrated and angry with myself for wanting to start my KZbin videos , art , scripting , music. Feeling like I'm running out of time the world needs to be saved and fixed! Feeling on a rush and not feeling good enough has me doing nothing! I was feeling so disappointed of myself! I over think so much about the meaning of life and my human experience sometimes it just takes away from my inner peace! I want to be authentic in my projects the thought of creating with my ego side hunts me ! I feel it blocks my creativity! I'm realizing that when I let go of the urgency and focus on living in my present moment and follow my intuition everything flows ! Any time I feel trapped I just need to be in nature and connect to the universe and everything seems magical in my inner world! There I feel the inspiration to creat 💝 Seeing this video made me understand myself more as an INFP I relate completely with this video ! Thank you for your work it's really helping people 💕

[@GeekPsychology]

"I over think so much about the meaning of life and my human experience sometimes it just takes away from my inner peace!" I think you'll learn more about the meaning of life by living it (the human experience) rather than thinking about it ^^ It's hard tho! You're welcome! Thanks for working on yourself.

[@LiciaMissori]

This "broken-hearted envy" is expressed very well in what I consider the INFP type 4 International Anthem :)) "I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special... But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here"

[@GeekPsychology]

lol. I definitely remember those lyrics.

[@BasedGodEmperorTrump]

INFP 4w5 tritype 469 here. I'm also Quiet BPD, Covert NPD, OCD, ADHD, MDD, CPTSD, HSP and Asperger's. I'm a total clusterfuck. I absolutely envy my coworkers husband for having married her and not me. She's an ENFP and in my misconstrued fantasy, she's so sweet and amazing. An Angel. I'm ridiculously head over heels for this girl as if she put a spell on me. Ngl, my Ne/BPD has me feeling like she's low-key crazy AF. She does give me psychopath vibes. This only enforces my obsession for her. From years of emotional abuse, I've manifested into an emotional masochist. #Emomaxxing #FML

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

I can relate to the 6w5, 9w1, 2w1, and to an extent 4w5, but less so since I've gotten in a more financially stable situation. I am disabled and had a very trauma-filled sad childhood, but I found a job I'm doing ok at and don't have to deal with poverty as much now, so that helps. I'm probably an INFP.

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

Honestly I can relate to all 6, 9 , 2 and 4 especially the more I dive into enneagram.

[@beeurself8947]

hey! thanks for the video :) you really exposed my "dark" side which I couldn't put into words. "Broken-hearted Envy" and not expressing myself are parts I really have to work on. Also, thank you for your great advice. P.S. I also happen to be lucky enough to have an ENFJ 8w7 partner, who is always there for me and gives my emotions direction.

[@GeekPsychology]

I'm glad it was helpful. I was a bit worried that it wouldn't be communicated in the way that I wanted. I've definitely learned a lot from my ENFJ wife as well.

[@darkrebel123]

I'm an INFP and a 5w4. I feel like the Fi function corresponds well with the enneagram 4, whereas the Ne is probably what makes me look like a 5, the observer.

[@kimbakotschi]

Yes, as an ENFJ 4, I have noticed this with my infp 4 and 9 friends, the 4s usually distance to not show the envy and tell me later and the 9 eventually exploded on me. It's frustrating, I love these talented friends...

[@keelinday]

I feel inadequacy but I don’t feel envy of anything.. okay maybe you’re right.. I envy peoples belonging.

[@GeekPsychology]

That’s the one

[@ellyhunter7252]

That enneagrap map looks so fascinating! I'd love to find out the rest of the details sometime.

[@GeekPsychology]

Each continent has 10 different meaningful locations built off the Enneagram type's strengths and struggles. I played my Pirate Tails game in this world for a handful of sessions - it was a lot of fun. It's kinda hard to make content about these really niche things that I just do on my own time... if you have an idea, lmk.

[@ellyhunter7252]

@@GeekPsychology That sounds really fun! 😄 Is that a tabletop rpg? I think the island is a great way to illustrate a concept! It's exactly the way I think, but I've never put it into words. I create worlds like that in my head as well, to help me understand or explain things. So when you explain it that way, I just get it. Environments and societies have effects on each other. So, imagining abstract ideas as societies, or environmental features, helps in visualising how they affect each other, where they link, and what makes them the way they are. Like a Venn diagram, but more fun. 😂 (And more detailed) As far as ideas go, I personally would enjoy a walk through summary of the 9 types, with the visuals on your map, and your metaphors for them. I have no idea about KZbin and if that would do well, I just know I'd find it interesting. 😆 I'm fairly new to the channel, so sorry if you've already covered it and I've missed it. I'm quite new to understanding the enneagram as well, so anything is helpful. I have zero knowledge about how to do it, 😂 but I think a gameplay video would also be interesting to watch. I'm guessing that most people here probably have some interest in gaming and gaming content. It's quite fun seeing people you know from one type of content trying out a game, or playing with a friend. It's a bit more relaxed, and maybe you could explain the "lore" a little as you go along? Hope some of that helps. 😁 But at the end of the day just do what works best for you. Your content is awesome. 👍🏼

[@kachunk7454]

I like a lot of this, but one thing I think needs to be challenged is the "not allowing particular emotions" or "choosing a favored emotion" idea. There is a lot of research on how we demonize certain feelings instead of embracing that they are all part of the spectrum of being human. Keeping yourself from feeling something can actually lead to unconscious unhealthy behaviors as well as expecting others not to feel certain things. Non-judgemental observation of emotions can help us to investigate why we are feeling that way and make conscious decisions about what to do about it. Dr. Marc Brackett is an excellent source for well studied arena of not attaching judgements to certain feelings (which creates shame and shaming). I can let myself recognize I'm feeling envy and ask why. Get curious, and think about what is leading me there and what would be a healthy way to redirect myself.

[@GeekPsychology]

I don’t remember the specifics of the video, but yes, I agree that learning the deeper meaning for the emotion is the right approach. Also, I do think choosing an emotion that serves you best is … best. It’s retraining your brain and body to do what you’d rather be doing more of and I think that is a great idea. If I don’t want to wake up and record a video, I could be miserable while doing it OR I could choose a better state. Since I’ve decided that it’s important to the future I want to create, I’d rather choose the better state. And as you said, get curious about why that feeling was there and see what that part of me needs in order to help me feel better.

[@kachunk7454]

@GeekPsychology It sounds like you're actually describing feeling your feeling (I feel unmotivated to make this video) and deciding what to do about it, which is what I described. Which I would say is re- directing and self regulating. When you say choose a feeling, it sounds like your choosing an outfit. And the thing is, sometimes we can bypass and redirect our feelings. Especially for a simple moment like that. But if I was always feeling unmotivated to make the video, I wouldn't want to keep bypassing. That's a signal. Emotions are messages about what's going on with us. Emotions are not bad, but sometimes the actions we choose (from not actually feeling the feeling and sitting with ourselves, which is self regulation and self awareness) can lead us down unhealthy paths.

[@kachunk7454]

@GeekPsychology This speaker and professor explains this topic way better than I can: kzbin.inforJLkM7r_cdU?si=EippqwH0SuxoXU28

[@khadeejadja]

INFP/EII-INFj Ne subtype here... With Enneagram 4w3. I'm resonating with many points in this video. And now, I am starting to understand the real, hidden main reason behind why I'm not having personal Instagram account, limiting people in my facebook friendlist and why I decided to retire from writing literature works. Comparing myself to my other family members, friends and acquaintances only help to spark envy, like kerosene poured into fire...💀💀💀 Still remembering those days when I was still involved in creative, literature writing ( in my native language), the environment are sport-like competitive pitch fueled with prizes and awards. Friends in circles turned into silent rivals. And as an INFP, any competitive rivalries are overly bitter and energy-consuming.💀💀💀 And it snatched off the creativity. Yeah... Being envious was and is tiring, and having a negative effect on both physical, mental and spiritual health. Gratitude is something that had helped a lot to overcome envy. Thank you Matt for the points to ponder. And still keep wondering if Enneagram 4 is something to do with childhood trauma related to lack of emotional support from one or both parents.

[@catrocastre8215]

The show 'The Sandman' has beautiful concepts that I found myself thinking about thru this video... Like sometimes We are so quick to dismiss others bc We see them as fakes, but 'those are not lies, but dreams'. Or to be moody bc We feel bored, disappointed, unpurposeful and then comes Death and mocks us... 🤭 Thanks 4 the video, not so many people have something useful to say about envy, except maybe Julia Cameron, yup, The writer of 'The artist' s way'.

[@FlpSideOfSanity]

I feel so distant from everyone. Like no one ever understands me

[@collectiveknowledge7548]

Thanks this is very informative. I need to learn more about the enneagrams to understand myself better but this is great.

[@GeekPsychology]

You're very welcome. Yes, it's a great model.

[@cory99998]

Self acceptance has helped immensely and im way healthier and happier now. However the spotlight im not sure ill ever shake, I want to be seen. Most of all I want a partner that sees me and loves how unique and special I think I am. I wonder if I can ever grow beyond that when I crave it so much. Sometimes its hard to know what I want in life because its so intertwined with the external, and im frequently in direct conflict wit my values while this is happening

[@marybell2002]

I know two type 4s. A male friend and female cousin. They're both married to great partners who practically worship them and it's still not good enough. The female cousin is still seeking validation from her mom but she'll never get it. The male is still seeking validation from the types of kids who bullied him growing up. Honestly, I don't understand why they think they'll magically get validation from the types of people who don't like type 4 traits. 4s are good enough the way they are, even if certain people don't like them. Just don't wait for validation from someone else to prove you're "ok" and you'll be fine.

[@Anne-cs7mu]

Last week is a very stressing week for me. So, I had this responsibility that putted on my back which I'm not good at which is managing people(I had social anxiety). I had my friend that shared the same load but I felt so stressed when she's taking the works so lightly. We promised to help each other to do the duties but she's seem not engaged. I outburst that night when I tried to ease her burden but she misunderstood my act of reponsibilities as me trying to make fun of her. Then, everytime I tried to explained she cut me off everytime and it's upset me even more because I couldn't talk about what I feel. It's reminded me of my bad breakup that I had before that turned the argument into a tears. I feel shitty. I feel like my opinion doesn't matter. Or maybe I felt upset because I feel like a piece a crap the way I was treated because of my own incompatibility. The thing is I may seem like a serious person but I could laught so easily even when I'm sad. I'm not used to crying over an argument but I will when it's trigger my core values which is trust. As fast as I can burst into tears, I could be laughing the other minutes(when I'm done crying my heart out) if the room is too sullen to cheer them up again. It's awkward for me but the situation get better.

[@Yahoolah58]

So interesting. I love this !

[@GeekPsychology]

Glad you enjoyed it! ^^

[@Olfmcm]

Why almost no infp that has 461 tritype as me as much as other tritypes?

[@keneibuswiho2953]

Thank you 4 wing 5 here

[@Raphsophomes]

Im excited to learn more about infps, information on them is really inconsistent, i wanna hear more about how they think

[@GeekPsychology]

Hopefully it meets your expectations ^^

[@oddcadet]

Thank you for this🙏🏻

[@thescribe4742]

It's interesting how type and enneagram can be used for personal growth. However, I wonder how mental illness plays into these things. Particularly depression and anxiety when it comes to cognitive functions, what's happening at the atomic level? What sorts of neurons are being paved and which are going unused? I know trauma impacts how cognitive functions work, there's no way of really studying it without being able to see the activity in the brain.

[@GeekPsychology]

I can't say much about that and choose to avoid it because there could be a lot of legal issues. Dario Nardi might have some research about that stuff...

[@ChantelStays]

I'm an Infjs type 4 and resonate with this a lot, tritype 459

[@lifestoryguy]

I get a sense that some INFPs might well benefit from exploring the Jungian idea of The Shadow. After all, perhaps the reason we struggle with bringing out our light is that we can't accept our Shadow.

[@yelloneklonate8852]

Can you elaborate?

[@lifestoryguy]

@@yelloneklonate8852 The basic idea of the Jungian shadow, is that for various reasons in early childhood when wehad to rely on the adults around us to meet our physical and emotional needs, we may have repressed aspects of our psyche due to the subjective values and needs of our caregivers, peers and the wider culture irrespective of whether these aspects of our psyche could objectively be classified as "good" or "bad." These repressed aspects then become our Shadow. What we don't realise is that this unconscious choice to repress these aspects of our psyche causes us pain in adulthood because the inauthenticity generated from repressing these so-called "unacceptable traits" means we can't achieve wholeness. Basically, the socialisation process we all go through as children means that we tend to take on what our parents, peers and wider culture said is the "correct" thing to do rather than beating to our own drum. Many examples of this could include the creative/artistic individual who must write, draw or paint to feel happy but chooses to do the "sensible" thing by working a job that pays their bills and that their friends and family approve of. You can also imagine lots of scenarios where some boys have a lot deeper emotions than others and get told to "man up"or to "stop being a p***sy" when really their higher sensitivity is a strength that helps them to write poetry that helps others in their darkest hours. Such boys could grow up to be men that feel less masculine or somehow flawed or weak when in fact, the real weakness is that they have allowed the subjective values of their parents, peers and the wider culture to influence them in terms of how they feel about their own masculinity. A similar process may occur for a woman who has the desire to be a construction worker or even take part in typically male sports like boxing when other women around them just want to get their hair done and their nails painted. In the woman's case, she may feel less feminine than other women. Of course, it can be other aspects of your personality. For example, someone who is raised in a vicarage might feel a lot of guilt about their desire to make money or have a lot of material goods as it may conflict with their parent's religious views around money etc. We all have repressed aspects. The real question is, what are yours, and why do you feel they are unacceptable because they are perfectly natural. I mean, you're good enough no matter what anyone says.

[@lilac624]

In another test which seems to be a more credible one I found I am 4w5 So I am INFP Enneagram 4w5.

[@terencejohnson4011]

Would appreciate your perspective for an enfp 4w5. We are out here 😢😂❤ my husband was infp 5w4, appreciated

[@ShoshanaSmithberg]

That jungle island is in my mind and it is where I LIVE. Can’t we (INFP 4’s) buy an island and go live there in peace and understanding??? 😩🥺

[@ShoshanaSmithberg]

…and by “LIVE” I mean when I’m not forced to be in the normal world.

[@GeekPsychology]

You’d have to succeed with your art enough to get the money to buy the island! And that might mean that you don’t want the island anymore… catch 22!

[@ShoshanaSmithberg]

@@GeekPsychology Art? Did I mention art? Or are you watching me? 😳 (And can’t we all chip in?)

[@strwbrywine451]

😂😂😂 the isle of misfit toys!!!!!! Yes!

[@GeekPsychology]

So fitting

[@nehadeshmukh5735]

wow. an explanation for all that plagues me.

[@GeekPsychology]

[@TheSpectr]

hi, im an ENFP type 4, any other ENFP type 4s out there?

[@user-ib2bt4ck7y]

Right here !

[@suhara.s3949]

it's very helpfull😢❤❤

[@GeekPsychology]

good :)

[@NicoleLam]

me me me me

[@uwusmolbean]

🙋‍♂️

[@Melodii9000]

0:33

[@kathrynleannazuck9305]

...😮‍💨

[@GeekPsychology]

:/

[@kathrynleannazuck9305]

*Our perception is not reality.* No matter what angle someone is looking from.

[@julia.no.X]

@@kathrynleannazuck9305 What is reality?

[@pianoimpact7699]

@@kathrynleannazuck9305 You should look up Epistemology and Ontology. It will help you with understanding the relationship between perception and reality.