Enneagram: The High/Low Side of Type 4

Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,

[@FAQIvan91]

I need time to analyze my feelings because, although I'm very self aware, it takes time for me to recognize what I'm feeling.

[@shoshanna4024]

Bingo

[@TheWellKeptLife]

I feel like I’m gonna cry- “these emotions don’t have to keep me from being productive” It’s like i needed someone to give me permission to move past my own emotions.

[@kreacher6599]

I teared up at this comment.

[@LoserDub]

It made me tear up. 4 is tough. We accommodate people and try to include someone and slowly they would do little things you let slide, then once someone reaches the limit I see red and I can just go on auto pilot and rip someone verbally with out even knowing what I said. It sucks

[@MEATFACEFILMS]

holy shit i was just thinking about this how i cry or at least feel like im going to when im emotionally validated. does this happen to anyone else?

[@ethans4935]

when I read this advice after doing the RHETI it immediately changed my attitude at work. we work on incentive and in one day i went from 100% to 130% measured productivity. something that normally takes months, it's insane how much knowing yourself changes your thought patterns, in turn changing seemingly everything about reality.

[@_VISION.]

Right?

[@sairamukherjee3651]

also think when fours are unhealthy they don't necessarily move to a moderate version of 2; they move to the most unhealthy version of 2- could become clingy and overwhelmingly emotionally expressive in close relationships and start to test their loved ones/feel rejection where rejection isn't present, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

[@bayleemarievanryswyk4388]

I just typed up my thoughts on this, but this is also very accurate!

[@prodbyscheduleone1701]

Hey quit talking about me !! 😂😂😂😂😂

[@Echcaroff81]

My whole life I've always noticed that I seemed to get the most desperate right before a relationship came to an end. I just actively watched it happen in my last relationship. You're 100% correct.

[@charlotteerickson2486]

They become toxic people in my experience.

[@Faeriefungus]

How can I stop

[@leticiafssilva6278]

As a 4, the eneagram was one of the the opening doors that helped me to understand that I need to filter my feelings. Not every single feeling needs to be digested right there when I feel it, sometimes is just a feeling not who I am. I am still learning how, tho. The great tip for 4s is: understand that there's no exact answer for anything. Prioritize what feeling is necessary to be handled now and put aside the rest of it. Stop looking for things that you want in others and accept who you are, you are not going to jeopardize your true self because of that. Do therapy!

[@makeitlight]

Thanks for sharing. I am not a 4. But I love one.

[@blackholle455]

As a fellow 4 The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer really helped understand and deal with my emotions. You can even find the audio book for free on KZbin.

[@SraPorras1]

👆 I felt this ❤️ Fellow 4 here

[@bpdbitch6541]

Also consider, autism

[@jdt8983]

Acceptance is a Jungian concept that I think sort of comes in waves. Hardly up to you although I wish it were. Very juxtaposed because trying hard to accept yourself can create a more anxious alchemy

[@deedesertrose1829]

I'm a happy high 4 because I'm at a 1 point. The work, creativity and application of my passions makes me feel more alive like I'm living more the life I want. Letting go of the past more and feelings related to broken relationship and all the self doubt and unhealthy choices. Being active and best Self focused keeps me out of trouble

[@jazquartz]

It kind of shocks me how real this is - but it shocks me even more that this is happening for all 4’s - I thought I was alone in irrationality. Bouts of depression and feelings of worthlessness. Im new to Enneagram and I found out I am a 4w5!

[@hadleywooten3689]

We 4’s are awesome and unique, we just forget it!!!!

[@jazquartz]

@@hadleywooten3689 ayy 4s club 🥰

[@LilacSnowBun]

Me too! I make way more sense to me now. :)

[@lorelllopez9759]

I am 4 wing 5 too !

[@Kejjjjjkkkddde]

Should we like start a group chat with us 4s???????? Maybe we could help each other out and vent to each other 😁😊

[@epscaling]

4’s call our metaphysical reality the real world and the other the practical or material world. We walk in both.

[@christinemichele2318]

Yes 🧡🧡🧡🧡

[@paulbanks2573]

absolutely.

[@jaymiegill9506]

Beyond accurate.

[@Sbannmarie]

oh wow so cool. thanks Im just learning all this

[@peaceglory5973]

Boom 💥 truth

[@Jessicaunarex]

Covered very well, my thoughts. I admit it is very hard to be present in life, as I much prefer to live in my fantasies. As Ingmar Bergman said, (another 4w5), 'I could live in my art but never in my life.'

[@bobpolo2964]

You like Bergman?

[@annachait6328]

So true

[@Zizipho_Ndayi]

You know what. I realised why I feel like I'm personally doing better as of lately as I adopted a new technique as a 4. This is to focus on things happening around me and focusing on others rather than me. Basically not internalize all the time

[@hecatesnightfall9121]

4w5 pushed me deeply into the occult/metaphysical studies. Truly the best thing I’ve ever done. Atleast for me.

[@twlahue]

Thanks for sharing.

[@alisiademi]

Me too! I would have stayed in a dark and stagnant place if not for meditation, affirmations, and things like that

[@jonatanramhoj]

Exactly the same here, but I get lost in that world sometimes too, especially in conspiracies - becomes my outhouse. Learning about stuff like the enneagram though is healthy and can be productive.

[@joegerkrep7727]

I used to be into that until I realized that it just made me depressed and wasnt really fixing me. The problem is that it ironically keeps my head in the clouds while simultaneously pushing my head underwater with the dark currents of the knowledge of the corrupt elite. It was interesting, but not helpful, and ultimately kept me stagnant.

[@erink8434]

same here majoring in philosophy

[@stacinarducci1828]

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I don't want to be another cog in the machine" lmao

[@carolynblake19]

Big same! When he said that, and when he said “I’m not like everybody else”, I was like “ope, it me” 👀👀

[@sirnesbit1285]

“Don’t focus on your emotions,” Hm. 4w5 here, I’ve spent a long time obsessing over my emotions. There’s always been a lingering weight in my core; like a mixture of anxiety and depression that swells up whenever I’m under stress. I realized a while ago that _I_ am not my emotions-my emotions are just my subconscious reacting to things. I’ve realized that my subconscious is like an animal; it doesn’t really “think,” it just reacts and learns based on experience. So, since I have some trauma from my past, it’s learned to panic at the slightest problem (or randomly... just because). Instead of focusing so much on dissecting bad emotions in response to pain, I’ll ignore them from now on and let them pass. Thanks for the advice ^ ^

[@madridboo5928]

To my fellow 4s, I am so happy I've found all of you. Just as a 4 would do, I thought I was the only one like this-falling deep and rising high, getting lost in the search of self & meaning of life (among other things highlighted in this video)-but seeing us all here brings me deep relief. I have found home, and finally I can breathe. Watching this video and reading an Enneagram book & thus learning this is WHO WE ARE evokes immense grief and pain, it's a painful pill to swallow, and sometimes feels like a death sentence. But knowing I'm not alone, how to reach a "Healthy 1," and to let go of feelings/move into the objective brings me solace, joy & excitement. I am infinitely grateful I found my Four Family. I hope you remember your peace & grounding when you become untethered, and that you are valuable, WHOLE, and worthy.

[@kellyk2645]

This has helped me a ton but I want to add something about going to 2. It's only occasionally because we feel we've broken a connection. It's mostly because in stress it feels more comfortable to care for someone else than give ourselves the care we need. We don't feel we deserve it. So we experience it vicariously through what we give.

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

I totally agree, well said.

[@carolynblake19]

I completely agree, I would rather focus on caring for someone else than myself. I can’t seem to be there for myself so I might as well be there for someone else.

[@deedesertrose1829]

So true 😭😂

[@boitumelolamola9582]

You are so right! And avoidant of the constant nagging in your head that tells you, all this effort of putting up a show for someone could be more beneficial to yourself. SPOT ON!

[@goddessny6068]

I am a 4. When in a relationship I struggle with feeling like an individual so in order to balance me out, I tend to get things done & accomplish things in order to not feel so codependent.

[@Mcfreije]

I find that I have to have really distinct interests and hobbies that don’t include my husband. Otherwise I feel like I’m blending into him

[@roberthorton760]

Any other 4s have bout's of melancholy?

[@meganpitt]

Out of curiosity, does melancholy get in the way of living life? Work, relationships, hobbies, etc.?

[@roberthorton760]

@@meganpitt , absolutely.

[@12roosterde]

of course!

[@lothekitty1327]

At least 4 to 5 days a week. Lol. & in my free time, I like to sit in the dark, look out the window, & just cry. Lol. But after that crying session, I’m ok again, haha, it’s like I like being sad & drawn to sad things. 4s can really be dramatic!

[@jay-xu3ey]

Lo The Kitty YES YES YES

[@giulias.5104]

4w5 here. Deep curiousity about the meaning of life, life's events, unsadisfation, pain, all led me to the spiritual path. The question: 'Who am I?' to the finding of 'my' true self, and now the personality is not as 'heavy' as before. It is known to be unreal and there is space inside. The enneagram is helping understand the difference between our ways. Really interesting! Thank you for sharing.

[@gardensforever]

giulia, i'm a 4w5 & 'who am i?' is also the guiding light of my spiritual practice. fascinating

[@giulias.5104]

@Kristi Wion in my experience, you can change that in you that you don't like, with constany trying to go in that direction. It takes some will at the beginning, but you can. ❤

[@eleonora7397]

Totally same, i can really relate

[@mahletberhanemeskel2142]

As a type 4 for the first time I feel understood by watching this video. I have literally no friends due to a lack of misunderstanding I am comfortable being alone 99% of the time. I have been constantly bullied and alienated which has caused me anger and resentment towards people. I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and have remained single since then. I feel comfortable in my singularity and don't want that freedom to be stripped away from me. Often times, when meeting new people I analyze them see flaws, hidden agendas, and red flags since I have dealt with manipulation. I would rather be happy in solidarity rather than being co-dependent and dumb enough not to see red flags and manipulation.

[@pooja350]

I'm not even kidding, I remember having a particular fondness for Eyore from Winnie The Pooh as a kid 😂. It makes so much more sense, Thanks Doc!

[@annieb1594]

I have an Eyore ...have had to sew his tail back on a lot.

[@jaeshasway]

Same. I couldn’t understand why Winnie was the star. Eyore was way more interesting.

[@hadleywooten3689]

Me too!😊

[@walexander000]

damn. dude. I have never felt MORE understood and MORE seen in my life, and I thank you for doing this. I wish more people would. nothing is ever as simple as it seems, after all. this made me nearly uncomfortable listening because it was like looking into a mirror and being forced to kind of... contend with what was there? best video I have watched on 4s. we're tough people to understand and to know, and actually, I have a theory that we aren't actually meant to be "known" in some personal or private way. known to the world as an idea, yeah maybe. but, interpersonal relationships don't seem to be a thing we are very adept in and therefore, I don't think its something we are meant to focus heavily on. I think this is the biggest struggle and perhaps why we dwell and do not take action. its hard doing it all on your own.

[@ashleyching3166]

I'm not angry; I'm laughing bc it's spot on.

[@GataMiau44]

same...!

[@deannagray1833]

When in a stressful situation, I feel the stress of everyone I’m with and begin helping them in any way I can to relieve their suffering. That feels very 2 ish to me!

[@alliarsenic]

Fours stress point is 2, so that makes sense.

[@silentgrove7670]

External suffering reminds us of our own.

[@Nerdy-By-Nature]

I very much relate.

[@deedesertrose1829]

This is why I thrive living alone. Need the space from other's everything

[@paulcollins6732]

As a 5w4 married to a 4w5, I'm enjoying this!

[@thomaswkeogh]

When he starts off by saying, "Hello, today we are talking to our lovely 4 people," I think he's live-streaming to an audience of 4 hahaha.

[@subversiveasset]

When I first heard about the enneagram, I identified at first mostly with 5, but as I read more, I identified secondarily with 4. I couldn't tell if I were 5w4 or 4w5. Reading about the "low sides", both the 5's and 4's made sense to me. But as I have had some rough times recently, the emphasis on being stuck in subjectivity (as you and others have described for 4s) has hit particular close to home, which made me realize I'm almost certainly 4w5. You said that 4s probably would disagree with you about what the "real world" is in terms of objectivity vs subjectivity. And this comment will do that ;), but hopefully it can be instructive to help refine the way you see and explain 4 things. When people say, "Don't overidentify with your feelings," etc., on one level, I think, "That would be great, but how?" I think, "But you don't have to live with the feelings I have, and I have to live with mine every day!" I have said this a lot, "I have to live with myself." It's not that I *want* to overidentify. It's just they are the closest things to me: constantly in my head and in my body. I can ignore you and others and social norms because at the end of the day, if I go to my room and shut the door, then those things stay outside and away. But there is no escaping myself and my emotions. So I actually agree with your thoughts on 4w5 being less concerned with social norms, because those are things I can shut the door on. I agree that for a 4 with 5 wing, we recognize that feelings are a type of fact and therefore we include them in our thinking and analysis. It's just that whereas objective facts apply for everyone, no matter what anyone feels about them, subjective facts are no less untrue, but they only limited in scope, applying for the particular person who is experiencing them. So, the "problem" with subjectivity is that its private -- so we can't really share it with other people as we can with objectivity. But that is a problem of *access* not *existence*. Saying "feelings aren't real" or "subjectivity isn't real" doesn't work for us 4 when we are well and acutely aware of the feelings that are driving us. I would say as a 4, it's not that I "want" to be different or unique. At least for me, I would like to be understood, appreciated, accepted, for who I am and what I feel. And in fact, I always come with a sort of hope or faith that I am not different or unique. That maybe if I just express things a certain way, then I can reach out to someone else and have them say, "Yeah, that matches my experience." HOWEVER, it just seems that most people in actuality don't feel the same things I do, don't see the world the same world I do. "Uniqueness" is a conclusion of what I think is real after having gone out into conversations and been disappointed so many times that people simply don't think or feel similarly to how I do. It is not a desire about what I think should be, because I would prefer if we saw eye to eye. I would prefer to be able to talk to people and have them say, "I know exactly what you mean" rather than, "That's not how things work." Even in a comment like this, I'm writing with detail because I am hoping to sketch out an impression that can appeal to what I hope you subjectively feel. My hope is that you will find something resonant in your experience. But in practice, I know from experience that this isn't usually the case. Most of the times, writing a lot about these things just leads to people thinking, "Wow, that's a strange way of looking at things." That is where I think 4 feelings of uniqueness and brokenness and authenticity come in...because we try to go into the world as ourselves and are told that's not how other people feel, think, act. And between others and ourselves, we will choose our own feelings, while "longing" to reconcile back. I don't think that other people have "thoughtless" lives. Just thoughts that are profoundly alien to my own experience and I wish I could translate between the two, but often cannot. I can't choose to live or feel or think in an alien way. I can only live with myself.

[@mhadman427]

I get what you are saying. One of my problems is of feeling dismissed, or rejected, when someone doesn't see things the way I do, when I have put a lot of thought into a subject. I will go into recluse mode and dwell there while feeling frustrated and sad in my chest. Anger also, but I internalize it and it leads to depression. It is not that I need them to feel the way I do. I just don't want my thoughts dismissed out of hand without at least some thought of their own, given to my ideas.

[@adventuresofmedievalviking7948]

These are my thoughts too, well said. Especially about not necessarily wanting to be unique and wishing so much to find common ground with people. I mean, part of us likes the idea that we are unique, but when you can't find common ground with anyone, naturally as humans we wish we could, and sometimes would rather not be so different from every single person we come into contact with.

[@mariaannaanastos376]

As another 4w5, this is extremely well put and apt. Thanks for this. Hope he reads this one especially.

[@indigoeyez21]

I know exactly how u feel 4 .. in a 4 🙏❤

[@workingitout18]

I am pretty sure I am a 4w3, but I wonder sometimes if I vacillate because I feel so much resonance with 4w5's too. " I would prefer to be able to talk to people and have them say, "I know exactly what you mean" rather than, "That's not how things work." " - MAN that got me. I feel like I am endlessly looking for someone to say, "yes! I totally get what you're saying/experiencing/feeling. Me too!"

[@adrienneweare2772]

I’m a 4w5. I’ve just started a ministry geared towards racial healing. It’s great. I think that’s me at my best. But when it comes to the mess in my house I’m paralyzed, overwhelmed and stagnant. Guess I’m living in multiple spaces. 😅 This vid had me nodding, going ‘oh!’ or ‘hmm’ the whole time. Thank you.

[@Butterflies-are-free]

💕Thank you so much for calling us “lovely” 💕, because we sure don’t feel like we are

[@aham6819]

I wasn’t angry at this description; I was laughing due to recognition reflex! So helpful to have some scaffolding to climb out of my “mental” moments!

[@Juicesandberries]

This was such a relief! My mind is my biggest tormenter, to know that to focus on what needs to be done and what I can do is great

[@karinjahn-walter5846]

You're right with what you say, it is how I react when it gets stressful: crumbling and unfortunately also aggressive behavior towards others. Thanks for another helpfull video. Blessings and Best Regards from Germany.

[@twlahue]

Thanks for the comment.

[@CaptainKinesis]

Came for the video. Stayed for the comments and ironically, the realisation that there are so many other people out there like me struggling with the same stuff. Spent so long thinking nobody could every understand me, turns out a large group if people do.

[@rosebud71590]

Oh my. Lol. Yup, I get lost in my feelings and the meaning of my feelings allllll the time. 😂❤️

[@trevorspeer2490]

Man I've been showing a lot of my unhealthy Four recently. This was oddly comforting to listen to though.

[@mmmsunshine5367]

Yup

[@JoeVanWyk]

Bless you brother. This was a breakthrough message for me. To know there are others who operate like this makes me feel less isolated. This insight comes at just the right time, when I am on the road to rebuilding my life and continually turning towards action. Thank you Tom.

[@twlahue]

You are very welcome

[@amandapatton3194]

"If you can just not trip over yourself" ...that's always the goal that's hard to do. Lol But this analogy of the cabin is SO helpful!

[@ondrea4936]

You sir really understand the 4 types. It's very impressive. Good on you. As a 4, I've experienced a life of isolation and feeling misunderstood for the most part. Ennegram, astrology and yoga has held the most helpful tools for dealing with these complicated patterns. I applaud anyone trying to understand us! Thank you ❤ your daughter is lucky 🙏

[@christalwong70]

My best paintings were painted when I am at my darkest times. Because that's all I want to do when I am sad. Be left alone, paint and write. (like a cat!) But otherwise, I don't feel too melancholy as a #4. Getting out of my head to realize real life issues and having a disciplined daily routine brought me lots of peace. THANKS Dr.

[@thinghaver]

a thought that i had (as a 4): always hearing that 4s want to stand out, be different and feel like they're better or just so much more different than everybody else really hurts sometimes. it makes me feel like i'm doing it on purpose and reminds me of abusive remarks from my mother who claimed that i'm responsible for my misery ("just get friends!", "you just cant accept that other people dont prioritize you", "you will never have a boyfriend if you dont lower your standards") and so on. its really not easy living with that identity and sometimes the description of 4's differentiation problem lacks a bit nuance for me. but at the same time its also kind of understandable that that nuance cant be grasped by non-4 people. another thing i pondered over is if the 4 personality type is simply a manifestation of the wounded inner child archetype and one of many representations of a person with mental health issues or at least thats the vibe i'm often getting. everytime i hear stuff about the other personality types its just *human behavior* and 4's description often follows the path of *depressed, toxic individual with low self worth*. i just wonder if in the end there isn't really a 4 personality but just a collective term for wounded inner child mental health/self worth issues that people with similar upbringings can relate to

[@qqwweerrttyy3610]

This is a very good point, you've managed to verbalize what I've been feeling about type 4's

[@allisonhazlett1879]

That's so interesting because I'm definitely a 4, when I first took this test, I was super unhealthy mentally and got typed as a 2.

[@jaeshasway]

Interesting. I don’t really see 2 as negative, just different. It’s also only 1 piece of your puzzle. I’m 98% 4, 91% 2, 85% 8.

[@americameza8450]

Ive been an unhealthy 4 my whole life. My coping mechanisms being rebellious, arguing and hurting my parents, and getting into smoking and alcohol pretty young. I used to stare in the mirror and just cry at my reflexion. I had moments where I really couldn’t find a reason to even live. It wasn’t until this year that I finally started being healthy and going out more and appreciating life more. I haven’t cried or hated myself in a long time. I don’t want to hit that rock bottom again.

[@docmars]

Amazing rundown of the inner world of a 4. You describe us perfectly. Thanks for sharing!

[@Mhelikerart]

I’m a 4 and I definitely go to 2 in some unhealth - it’s a codependent defense mechanism I’m working through in a recovery program.

[@AstraeaAntiope]

Same. I was thinking that I don't just try to repair connections when I go to 2. If I realize I am really out there mentally, I try to get validation or confirmation of what I am experiencing from others to convince myself that my perceptions aren't distorted by stress (of course even going to this strategy means they are XD )

[@sarahkandikatla6817]

THANK YOU so much. You brought clarity to how to just function with the deep feelings that I find myself lost in. I appreciate how you speak with intentionality, love, & care!! God bless you🌟💖

[@juliarose5779]

This is the most accurate thing I’ve ever read about myself thank you. Sometimes it’s hard to explain why I think this way

[@adelita2115]

I love the way you present information, so clear and loving at the same time...

[@peaceglory5973]

Tom, you've helped me realize that me wallowing in the outhouse is not where I'm supposed to stay. Going back to my cabin is being true to myself, decorating it how I want it is being true to myself, focusing on my wellbeing and goals is being true to myself.

[@monikastefanowicz197]

Dr. LaHue, thank you for taking such time to explore and explain Type 4 tendencies. I type as 4w3 and have listened to almost all of your videos on 4s. The last few minutes of this video struck a deep chord and I feel so grateful that you posted this! Thanks again!!

[@nataliecerrone4901]

You are truly amazing for being able to accurately teach and make sense of very difficult concepts to grasp. You make complete sense and it is so helpful! Thank you

[@taylorspruce2444]

This is SUCH an amazing video. I'm so glad I found your channel. I'm a four and it was so spot on without any of the gimmicky 4 memes. Thank you Dr. LaHue!!

[@shanghaitatoo]

I am 98% 4. After I found out it all made perfect sense because I changed my career from a well paid corporate job to becoming an artist, and felt it was the best decision I've ever made in life even though I am earning less. What you're saying here is super relatable and really helps in retrospect!

[@Ayesha_F]

I am (most probably) a 4 and honestly i have been working on myself to the extent that hearing your words is really not painful. On the contrary, whenever i feel i am under stress and sliding into states of poor mental health, it is words like these that are best at helping me pull myself out of that state. Enneagram has been incredibly useful for me.

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

The analogy with the cat is very funny and true 19:15 'the cat will get up on your lap and pur, and then for no reason, at least not one that we understand, the cat will just scratch you and run away' LMAO! This perfectly describes a four I know. You just get attacked. And fours can like punch your soul, too. Their attacks have like lasting emotional damage. They'll point something out, a misbehaviour, that's dictated your whole life, and like throw it at you.

[@ashleyching3166]

My former best friend deceived and betrayed me and unethically turned all our friends against me. I fought it for half a year and I'm a totally changed person from that experience. I'm steadily climbing out of my grief. Thanks for your helpful videos.

[@karenclark1675]

I’ve had a similar experience with a former friend, though it’s been 10 years for me and I still wonder what I did wrong and why she doesn’t want me anymore.

[@ashleyching3166]

Could it be envy? :/ Blessings to you.

[@parkerbarhorst856]

Man. So many answers to all of the unanswered questions I’ve had since i was a fresh teenager. You’re “camp” style analogies really did a great job at making me realize how some of my feelings work.

[@clareunderwood6690]

I like the analogy of the outhouse, the hill and the orchard. This is all helpful to hear. It makes sense to me. I like the hopeful message at the end. Thanks for sharing this. 💛🙏

[@adventuresofmedievalviking7948]

This is a really good video, thank you! It's wonderful to find someone who makes efforts to understand and connect with us. You have good insights

[@twlahue]

Glad to help.

[@sensibilities1]

This is the best description I’ve ever heard of four. It was so much on point I didn’t want to accept it

[@twlahue]

Glad to help.

[@rachel4389q]

The talk about being in the outhouse is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you!

[@SqueakyFishy]

This is absurdly outrageous. I understand most of this, but as far as understanding myself being attached to this, I don’t know what to think or feel anymore bc of how much accuracy this describes me as a human. Like when I use the word think or feel it doesn’t seem right to me anymore because it’s as if this whole time what I’ve been thinking or feeling could have been MOSTLY an illusion. Due to my tendency to over-identify with feelings I experienced from my past where some emotions that resulted from those experiences may have been exaggerated and glorified more than they should have just because of how much I dwell in emotion and thought. And also my tendency to over identify with a fantasized future. Knowing this it’s hard for me to NOT think about if I should be trying to think about how I feel about all this because I don’t want to create another illusion about this unlocked knowledge about myself. But as soon as I found out I was a 4 it’s like everything I thought I knew simply disappeared and I now know nothing about anything.

[@jonatanramhoj]

Best explanation I've heard. Thank you for these incredible insights, all 4s here are astonished by the accuracy!

[@recreateyoulifecoachingand3874]

Love this! Thank you so much. I love doing the 1 things with inspiration, creativity and passion!

[@cicidavidson9138]

How you describe unhealthy 4s isn’t upsetting me at all. You make perfect sense. This info is so helpful. I’ve experienced what you describe - especially moving toward 1. Thanks!

[@charlesdaubner7667]

Tom, Thanks for making the effort to understand a frame of mind that is very different from yours. You've done a good job of it! I like the take that "a state of unhealth may offer opportunities". It's an out-of-the-box take. Seeing something constructive in something easily seen as simply negative. I like it

[@niluhputukrismamaylina7499]

Thank you so much for making this video, we never met in person but I feel like you’re giving me a very useful advice for me to face the worst side of me.

[@twlahue]

Awesome.

[@Jascull]

This was painful, but real - like a 4. I needed this. Great job!

[@hannah.jane444]

I love how you described being more grounded and productive in the “real” world that is something I’ve learned to do with time but yes there’s still that underlying belief that the “real” world isn’t real and yes I do see it differently but how can I honor myself and be consistent with the “mundane” in order to allow things to flow smoothly for me

[@kelvinaraujo3655]

Thank you SO MUCH! For telling me How to be a health version of my self. Listening that I got to be a little more like a type 1 is challeging, but It gives me HOPE. So thanks

[@shyinsomniac]

I find it insane that I stumbled across your channel to learn more about my husband and I's enneagram types, and I notice your shirt, and we are from the same place! Love your channel man!

[@jessicahubbard4634]

I giggled through most of this, because it was so good, even though it hurt. Or maybe that's just how I deal with the pain. The key to hearing hard things is to know that it's coming from someone who's authentic. You are. So thank you.

[@TheTsubaki872]

you threw words right into my mouth multiple times, such an amazing talk

[@andi.n1020]

So spot on the 4’s move towards a 2 explanation

[@beverlycross6089]

I just came across this it makes so much sense to me. I've realized when I've been the most productive n helping others is when I've actually been the most content in life. Thank you for helping me see how to be healthier. I've been researching why I am the way, how/why I am this way n how to fix it. I appreciate your insight.

[@LikatuM]

Wow. Thank you for this incredibly educational and insightful video! Just by posting this video you’ve contributed to my journey to changing my life for the better.

[@meagansy]

I appreciate your dedication to explaining all of this!! Super thorough!!!

[@twlahue]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Russi4nAPB]

@Dr. Tom LaHue. You Just Told me my type clear as day the wood in the cabin analogy blew my mind how ez it made everything to understand thank you.The moment you said anything the type 4 does i instantly got multiple life examples of those moments in my head.

[@juliusl5211]

Thank you for sharing this video with us. This is very helpful for me. I am getting out of the outhouse! I found myself frequently trapped in my head. I want to be productive!

[@jaeshasway]

Definitely loved this. Great insight. Thank you! ♥️

[@jenniferdawson629]

I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and your help. I am a 4 wing 5 going through my unhealth and you really helped me to understand what I need to do to regain my health and gear less towards my intense emotions and be more of a thinker and logical, action oriented and problem solving. I have also watched your other videos about my family members and it has helped me immensely to understand others.

[@twlahue]

Great! Glad to help.

[@Mind_Up_Now]

Youre amazing bro. You are helping me out a lot. Much love to ya 🙌🏻

[@jeanna619]

Thank you SO MUCH for this video👍🏼 You really know your stuff, you are appreciated!

[@bernadetteevans4117]

Thank you. I love that “ be present to life!”

[@aquarius1986]

I've been thinking a lot about disintegration to 2, because I don't relate to this idea that it's only about 4s trying to reconcile with people. I personally experience disintegrating to 2 as becoming sentimental, needy, trying to find my own value in a romantic partner or other people rather that in myself, focusing on relationships to my own detriment (ie, engaging in a lot of tumultuous relationships and sacrificing my creativity, spirituality, etc. because the drama is so draining), feeling as if I'm not going to be able to exist without a romantic relationship, valuing the uniqueness or greatness of my partner/friends/idol and not recognizing (or utilizing) my own gifts, prioritizing how great someone else is while neglecting self-development, etc. When I'm disintegrating, I'm dissociated from what's really nourishing for me and I ruminate constantly about needing someone else in my life. It's kind of a way of procrastinating from doing the things that I know I "should" be doing - or rather, that deep down I would be so much happier doing those things than putting all my energy into trying to help people who don't want to change or grow, or longing for a rescuer myself. When I'm integrating to 1, I put structures in place in my life, have action steps, and implement them. I focus on self-care and I think about all the things I'm excited to do, rather than mull over my own and other people's problems/feelings/relationships. I feel capable - although often stressed because I'm not used to handling a lot of mundane things - to handle life myself. I accept the reality of things in life that I don't want to do because they're "boring" and embrace the Zen way of viewing everything as what it is, part of the whole, important. I balance my emotions, mind, and body, and focus on rewarding activities like MAKING my art (as opposed to thinking about it), sticking to a meditation routine, doing courses and studying things that are important to my soul...using my gifts is a service to humanity. When I'm integrated, I feel connected to Source/God/Goddess and don't feel the same emptiness/lack/need to be completed by someone else. I guess I feel that the disintegration to 2 brings out the moody, indirect, overemotional, ruminating aspect of 4s ("no one understands me" - ie, "no one is meeting my needs, so I'm going to go silent/cold shoulder/explode"), while the integration to 1 brings out our deeper principles and moves us into creative and disciplined action. I also feel when I'm integrating that I'm more engaged with my intellect - studying spiritual and artistic topics mostly, feeling excited about things I can learn and bring to the world - while in disintegration everything is about emotions, drama, and dead-end relationships. That's my 2 cents. - ENFP 4w5 sp/sx

[@_JustV]

4W5 is so on point. Thank you for analyzing it so beautifuly

[@chickensoup2458]

As a 4w5, I can relate to everything that you have stated in this video. I want to say something about the dark side of fours. When fours are in their outhouse, they are broken, hurt, bitter, disappointed, etc. I have just been there for whole 3 months. But believe me that's for a purpose, I developed a profound and strong connection with myself and with God while I was there. Though it was very very hard and painful but the connection is worth the pain. And I found that the key is to be at peace with your dark side, accept it and just keep going. Let your feelings disperse naturally and don't push yourself to be calm or to be at peace. Don't project your sufferings onto others, the pain is yours, own it and be compassionate to yourself and others. Make appointments with your loved ones and look outside of yourself time to time. I will not recommend focusing all of your attention outside because that leave fours feel empty and disconnected with themselves. Understand that everyone goes through sufferings and pain but in their own way. If you have been given this self, there is purpose, strive to search, realize, accept, internalize, and manifest that purpose.

[@kowieswart2235]

This is one of the most open honest and real talks I have heard. I am a 4 and yes I got the message.

[@anatavarez1005]

Okay, I thought I was the only one that would start getting things done out of anger sometimes... haha. I always wondered why I react like that under stress.

[@lauraclarke7197]

Thank you so much for this video, Tom. It is so accurate and you understand how we 4s feel so well. It's really helpful for me to understand myself better and why I might be feeling that way, and to know that I can come out of my outhouse and go to my orchard. As I'm writing this I'm super focused on a creative project and totally doing the 1 thing, but not so long ago I was in the outhouse and feeling like Eeyore. I've often wondered if I am bi-polar or something because most other people don't seem to act and feel the way I do, but now I understand this is just who I am as a 4 and the more I understand that the more I can learn how to deal with things and remain healthy. Thank you so much!!!

[@savage_skirt5386]

Fours are very self-aware, which helps (4w5)

[@AndresHidalgo]

Super on point bro. What you say is really vell studied. Thank you man. This is helping me a lot to type myself.

[@twlahue]

Awesome. Blessings.

[@melanierivers12]

I'm a 4w5 and I've only recently realized that I tend to overcommit and volunteer for things, even though I don't really have the time. I think that's another version of going to 2 when stressed, looking for approval through servitude. Thinking I'm taking action by filling my calendar with commitments, but not leaving time for the personal responsibilities that will actually move my life forward. Then later dealing with self-loathing when I'm not doing things as well as I could if I wasn't spread so thin. 🙄 I love this channel, it's so helpful!

[@LauraGonzalez-jj3ep]

This is totally me!! I have been in this loop where I overcommit and then I feel awful for not finding time for myself to the point that I am no longer know what to do as a hobbie or just for fun .....

[@jusueg.3859]

healthy levels let’s go!! 🚀🔥

[@Fairygoblet]

I took an Enneagram test when I was under stress and scored a type 2. Confused me for a long time. I'm a Type 4.

[@allisonhazlett1879]

Me too! I thought it was bogus until I took it later and got 4 and it made so much more sense

[@goldenparachute392]

Wow, this is painfully on point. This was excellent!

[@bbJav]

Thanks! Very well explained and the sensitivity you gave to achieving the really sense, I am four. Cheers from Mexico

[@hellomrball]

That was shockingly accurate - Thank you

[@susieqquilting6003]

Thanks for being real. I known all my life I need to stay in the present, and daily exercise is the best discipline. I like the visualization of being down at the outhouse and needing to climb up the hill to the cabin and then to find the orchard. Thanks.

[@latoyiab79]

I'm not mad. It's so comforting knowing and understanding who I am. Maybe now I'll stop thinking about tapping out lol Thank you for taking the time to study enneagrams.

[@lwynneweber]

Wow!!!! I just love how you summarize and explain everything. I am a 4 with a 5 wing.An artist, empath and intuitive healer, Reiki ( Energy Healer) Very psychic and intuitive like a lot of 4s. I could actually hear people's thoughts as early as 9. I felt cursed not because of intrinsically 4 but because I could look right through people and know them I have always had an intense gaze and that intimidated others. I would never have to say anything and people knew that I was different. I just wanted to be accepted and loved for who I was. In this particular video I related more with the first one the Endurance 4 however I am married to a 1 and I have experienced the others as well at different times. I can relate to all 3. As an artist and pscyhically aware you cannot help but feel different. I thought everybody was like me. I found and still find that I am very accepting and inclusive of others and yet have felt so excluded and ostracized by others. What I realize now is that the ache of having inclusion has to be with my initiative of including myself. At 56 and now an empty nester it is my time to take action. Of course I feel scared and need courage and reinforcements. Thank you!!!!

[@brookstanbery6021]

That was scary. You just described me perfectly! 😳

[@SsroseL]

I think I found your video right when I needed it 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼