Interview with a Narcissist with

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Interview with Jacob from ‪@Thenamelessnarcissist‬
We discuss what narcissism is, what the internal experience of narcissism and try to put a human face on Narcissistic Personality Disorder with the aim of promoting an accurate, compassionate understanding of narcissism that is helpful to people who are managing relationships with a narcissistic person and/or the effects of abuse from a narcissistic person as well as people who consider themselves to be narcissists and clinicians with an interest in this area.
Also shoutout to ‪@spiritnarc‬ and ‪@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE‬ for anyone who wants to learn more about narcissism from people who live with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Disclaimer: The content is for education and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be clinical advice. Please consult a health care provider or licensed therapist for individual advice and guidance.
00:00 - Intro
02:27 - What is narcissism
06:40 - The use of 'narcissist' as a buzzword for disliked/hated people
09:50 - How Jacob recognised his own narcissism
15:18 - Jacob's relationship with his therapist
17:12 - Growth and change
21:00 - A narcissist and his KZbin channel
24:57 - Feeling fake
25:40 - The impact of viewing everything through the lens of narcissism
29:13 - Myths about narcissism
35:36 - Shame/regret about behaviour
38:00 - Mistrust of ulterior motives
39:46 - A narcissist's view of manipulation
44:20 - A narcissist's view of his vulnerable side
47:03 - Impact of narcissistic coping modes on relationships
52:02 - Loneliness in narcissism
01:00:15 - Benefits of narcissism
01:01:18 - Advice for relating to a narcissist
01:03:20 - View on the term 'personality disorder'
01:05:54 - Myth busting on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder

[@drruthannharpur]

If you're enjoying this video, please check out this video interviewing @pdquestions7673. I'm pleased to report that the sound quality is much better! m.kzbin.info/www/bejne/g2PRdnZ8o9-dbKs

[@applen.ginger8489]

The difference between guilt and shame is with guilt you feel bad for doing it, shame you're worried about what people will think of you. He doesn't care that he hurt people but he knows other people look on it as a bad thing.

[@cc1k435]

I suppose that's a step up from some. Doesn't make it pleasant to see, though. 😂

[@Reneemfenn]

By definition, he can’t care but he can learn over time to recognize he’s not caring 😢

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

@@Reneemfenn spot on.

[@Reneemfenn]

@@KaarinaKimdaly my husband is a covert narcissist & he goes to be hypnotized 😵‍💫 He has a lot of shame. I can’t imagine how horrible his thoughts are daily & I’m glad he can’t share them but he does lash out often if he’s not seething, being spiteful, revengeful or passive aggressive 😤 He’s the definition of a hot mess 😳

[@leescuderi8331]

@@Reneemfenn Narcs, like him, can develop cognitive empathy where they cant actually feel it but they know the right thing to do in the situation so they can avoid acting on their impulses. You have to be self aware though and for a lot of people with NPD that just doesnt exist

[@therealnonajones]

Wonderful conversation. I think one of the most difficult positions to be in is to know someone is a narcissist and to know why and the deep pain they are carrying, while also having them blame you as the problem and discard you for caring about them. It’s super super super sad.

[@drruthannharpur]

Indeed, well said. Take care of yourself. It's for the person with NPD or traits to take ownership of their harmful behaviours and make changes.

[@Mechaniclyfe]

Currently in this situation with a romantic partner for 3 years

[@mariahconklin4150]

Do those with BPD blame others also? I tend to do that a lot but a lot of my family members are toxic and I’ve been diagnosed with a lot of stuff. Been sitting here wondering what’s wrong with me

[@mariahconklin4150]

@@drruthannharpuroh okay that makes sense but would if the other person literally says they have apologized but it wasn’t an apology and I’m the one always seeking the help? This is why I’m so mad

[@mariahconklin4150]

@@Mechaniclyfea lot of people are I think

[@faithlove377]

Wow when he says he desperately wants someone to peel back those layers beneath himself. That was so deep and it really took me to a place of sadness.

[@Sarit473]

Loved it! I was raised by father with NPD and sociopath and borderline traits. I have high histrionics traits and some narcissistic traits. However I worked on my self on the last years, and now I'm a completely now and better person. I have empathy and even if from time to time I have no exact sense of self and grandiose thoughts I'm so much better than before. Everyone can improve if they want💛

[@drruthannharpur]

So glad to hear you’re doing well ❤️.

[@angiea8022]

@@drruthannharpur Some things are certain, narcissists don't get better. Actually, with age they get worse -- always. They become better liars, better manipulators, etc.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@angiea8022 actually, evidence suggests that narcissism reduces with age. Some people do get worse as they face more disappointments in life, failed relationships, divorces, job losses, declining health etc but the overall trend is for pathological narcissism to reduce with age.

[@cc1k435]

​@angiea8022 I feel like you're right, actually. Seems like their feelings of entitlement increase, though it's not so easy to get away with it as they age. They seem sloppier about disguising it, and the whole program they've been running doesn't work so well as it maybe once did. That doesn't mean they aren't digging in their heels and trying to approach life the way they always have, it just means they don't usually get the same payoff from anyone else who might potentially be supply anymore. The willingness of others to participate is not so often there, just not for the lack of trying to find it. ❤

[@Sarit473]

@@cc1k435 patological narcissist dont, if you are not patological eventually you will.

[@rockstarpmk]

Heartbreaking. I know this type and it is impossible to reach them. The self loathing is their foundation. Love them without expectation and protect your own inner peace from their tortured existence.

[@kristendutton580]

A lot of respect for him. It is odd and sad that you love the narcissist when he shows his vulnerability. This was extremely helpful with changing my perspective on narcissists.

[@pugginspice]

I really want to say thank you to both of you, especially your guest. It’s much easier to understand the behavior of a narcissist when you see what kind of pain is underneath. ❤

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

He’s still getting supply from this

[@huhwah5387]

You get a window into his mind.

[@loveinthematrix]

@@alexhein6386they’re so corny man. I can’t believe no one thinks it’s hilarious

[@eb7863]

Funny that the more I pointed out genuine positive qualities to my ex-narc about themselves the worse he treated me.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

A sick sick game.

[@lizando9481]

Yeah, it is mind boggling and terrible. Awful disease.

[@theresaleskinen6433]

Yeah…don’t ever do that.

[@euthanasiadumbwaiter2520]

Well yeah, doing so reminded him how much he despised and loathed himself. I don’t think narcissists who aren’t ready to deal with their deep-seated issues, like other mental health issues, aren’t in a place where they should have a partner. Same goes for addicts who are not in recovery, people with a schedule that doesn’t allow a friendship or relationship, etc. It’s nice to try, but ultimately not your job to fix him. People change because they are ready to accept they need to, in order to have the better life they want, not for other people. We owe narcissists decent and basic human respect and kind treatment and compassion. We do not owe them a place in our lives if they have not earned it, nor friendship nor a relationship. We don’t owe anyone that, period. That’s not mean, it’s just how reality works. Relationships are necessary, but much of human history has been people not making the cut. Nature never dictated we date or befriend everyone or stick around when people are being abusive or disrespectful, we’re supposed to leave at that point and let them figure it out in their own time and when they are ready. Let go of your attachments to a narcissist because they don’t owe you anything, either. It’s a sign of a control and neediness issue within you to not just accept them for their issues or cut them lose. (This applies to everyone really, and goes against the fairytale version of love, but we call it a fairytale version of love for a reason.)

[@vikkiweigel2504]

Yep

[@rainy2284]

My ex husband, a text-book narcissist, would blurt out every so often during our 24 years of marriage, “I loathe myself”. It took me years to heal from his abuse. I’m still not completely healed. I trust no one. I keep everyone at arm’s length. I don’t have any close relationships. I’m done w/ that.

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

❤❤❤

[@shelleyschneider1725]

Me to

[@tricia007100]

Same - trust no one!

[@liezebartsch-wx2wf]

Pray to God, its all that helped me. Surrender your life to the Lord Jesus - He shed His precious blood to save us.

[@victorcayro3753]

? Narcisscists are evil Demons tho

[@roseasher9124]

I saw the hurt in your body and face when you said friends started judging you. I appreciate you being painfully honest this is very eye opening. I wish you the best.

[@user-zy3zd3sx2d]

Narcissists favorite pronouns: me, myself and I. They can't get enough of themselves. Watch how often they touch their faces or garnering attention. They are their own worst enemies. Becoming a narci isn't limited to abuse. It can stem from abandonment, neglect or low esteem.

[@liljerseygirl249]

I was really learning a lot watching this young man.(I'm an older gal) He should be proud of himself for getting help, sticking with it and applying it. Additionally, for going out of his way to help the rest of us understand better. If he were my son I would be very proud of him.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you - I’ll pass this on to him ❤️

[@ShirleyAnnPetrillo-oj7sc]

Pride = the Problem, so DON’T “Supply” it.

[@marymargaretblumhorst5359]

I am so happy that your son was strong enough to change this evil behavior! I have a grown daughter that is totally narcissistic. Even if she put the time and effort into trying to change and had some success, I could never respond to her as though she was being truthful. She had lied,stole, used people so badly for so many decades, I beleive she has gaslighting down to a fine art. The games never end for them. I pray your son is a rare exception!

[@tricia007100]

What you describe is the truth of 99.% of narcissists. This interview unfortunately gives a glimmer of false hope. The man being interviewed has a glimmer of self awareness, but most of what I am hearing him say is that he is aware he hurts others and he doesn't care.@@marymargaretblumhorst5359

[@ZFabia2010]

​​@@marymargaretblumhorst5359 that's not the commentator's son she said " IF he was "

[@robicarm]

This is a very intriguing interview. He reminds me of one of those Mr. Cool with a fragile interiors. He hides behind the laughter is a sign of insecurities. I guess he has a right to be considering he never lives or accepts in an honest sense of self. Like being imprisoned in your own lie. It makes me sad that he denies victims of narcissistic abuse committed less suicide than narcissist and they merely suffer from PTSD, and later switched victimization back to narcissist (him). Like it was a competition on who deserves more empathy. 😢

[@dianemason9092]

Great interview. Good on that man for getting help and doing this. He may like the attention, etc, but it helps those who are narcs to reflect and relate. 😊

[@Eat_Trade_Travel]

This has been more helpful than all the narc content I've consumed. ❤

[@fionataylor4269]

Really valuable interview Dr Ruth, thanks. It was good to see Jacob being honest about his manipulation of others. When he said that he made others feel like him , he really hit the nail on the head, this is what narcissists do. We, who have been in a narcissistic relationship relate to the awful feeling of just being a character in their story. I feel that walking away from a narcissist is vital, and the more people who walk away/ stand up to them , the more the narcissist is forced to look at their behaviours, they often need to hit rock bottom sadly. I think a lot of us know deep down that narcissists are self hating and more vulnerable than they seem, and that's why we put up with their abuse. I think it's great that there are interviews out there with (the more) self aware narcissists. I speak as a trained therapist, and as someone who has been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Great work.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you 🙏 Yes, I found it very moving when Jacob said he realised he left his partners feeling what he felt. I often share this with people I work with, not to engender sympathy or suggest they return to the relationship (often a terrible idea) but so they can understand and hopefully start to grieve for the relationship and start moving in new and better directions.

[@luannefarmer]

My ex was like this , grandiose at times and depressed at times, he was constantly seeking success and never succeeded but a wreaking ball and he used people on his delusional climbing up the ladder, he ended up being diagnosed with Bipolar. But I think he is a covert narcissist too. He presented as a kind man and in control of emotions, and played the hero ( he enjoyed that) He currently is still up to his tricks and is wanted for fraudster by interpole!

[@elsh332]

I recently had a relationship with a covert narcissist. My first marriage was to a grandiose narcissist. The 2 are quite different. What makes you think that he was a covert narcissist rather than a grandiose narcissist?

[@karentonks7581]

He was diagnosed by an expert. You are not educated enough to say he's a covert narcissist

[@paulienpinksterboer2246]

​@@karentonks7581As if no one is ever misdiagnosed ...

[@bekind7288]

I wish I could share this video with my ex husband and he could find some relief from his torment. I don't know if he'll ever be in that place to help himself. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to try and help yourself, Jacob. Thank you Dr. Harpur for your desire to help people love themselves and find a healing path ❤

[@hepzibahpink]

Absolutely this ^^ I feel the same about my husband. I see him hurting and that’s why he hurts me. It’s not his fault - it’s who he is. He is at the very start of getting therapy after me asking for years. I am soo proud of him and I’m rooting for him! This interview was amazing! ❤

[@bekind7288]

@@hepzibahpink 🙏 prayers for you both! Wendy Behary also has some good videos on helping those with NPD/NPD tendencies. She has a support group online for the people who have NPD person in their lives as well.

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

​@@hepzibahpinkI'm glad he's getting therapy. Eveh though he has been hurt, it is his responsibility to treat people well. I'm very glad that he realizes he needs to get therapy. My ex thinks nothing is wrong with him.

[@kellysmith1792]

No, it's not just the narcissist that feels like everything is fake . I feel we (the world) stepped into this "so called, self-awareness paradigm -black hole" and now, on a daily basis I hear people say "I have no idea, I don't understand, what is going on, I have no clue". It all falls into the more we know, the less we understand. The whole f--g world seems to have gone insane. And me, I feel I understand everything and know absolutely nothing . I do know I am desperately trying to understand, that which "they say" can't be understood. I am perplexed to hear you, as I don't know "how much is really true" and if it is true, is it just true for you or other narcissists as well? I can't begin my questions as I have so much to sort in my mind and so much that I think I want to know, yet I am so dam tired I think I would just as soon kick it all away and say f-k it. I don't know if I have ever met any one "real" . A person that says what they mean, means what they say, and uses words appropriately . And love, the world has yet to know its true meaning, as everyone claims it, but look, love has no conditions, as it's "Unconditional" yet, all this love floating around; all this love that everyone knows, no one holds true love, as each one has conditions. It was sad hearing your "under the shell" moment/point, I get it, it is true, it is deep, but there isn't a dam soul u will ever share it with, (I identify (self preservation) a trait needed by all) And u just spoke of an ex that said u never made her feel real. I get her statement completely, Almost 20 yrs with a man (cnd) that does not see or hear me, he screams he does (I cant scream) I say " look, it's pretty pink" he says, "so it's pale green" I say, " no pink" he says , " u just said pale green" no matter my voice or evidence, or witness or even " voice record", It will always be, that I said " pale green". Are you heard because they say they love u n love listens, r u heard because they like u n like is kind, r u heard on ur merit for it's clear fact that u do not lie, r u heard on the afore mentioned?? No, u r not, there is not one thing u can do to be heard, not one, and therefore u do not count, (but everyone n everything counts) so if u don't count then u must not "be" for if u really "were" then of course u would count. That is the suck part of not mattering enough, the problem, if I don't matter to Tom, Dick n Harry, no biggy, don't really know them anyway. But when u don't matter to the one u r suppose to matter the most to, it's just an open wound that keeps bleeding until u no longer exist or someone somewhere sees and hands u a rag n says u better get that looked at . And from there u go, to ur demise again (disassociate/ignore) realize the wound n search for it's cause n try to heal it (me). Go get help from professionals as it's a pretty deep wound (me-never) but I hope any that need it do as there is much out there that has, will n does, save many. Yah, I am sure I lost you Jacob, I tend to lose myself if I ever attempt at any adult heart felt conversation any more that isn't directed at me, and by me, NUTshell , I do not talk to any on this matter. Jacob, I wish the best for u, I wish the best for us all. On any given day we should only have five things to think upon and deal with, not flocken five hundred thousand, we r all drowning here n no one thought to build a boat, how could they, we've no more room in our heads for such thought. So food for thought it is, pick ur battles wisely, knowing IS NOT half the battle, (keep it simple stupid) can be helpful, this too shall pass, and if u are out of, "round-2-its" , and "getter-dones" it's probably best to stay in bed or on the floor any way . There is someone, somewhere, for every single person, every friggen one, therefore each n everyone of us can listen to "fix you" by "fearless soul" and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is someone that is n will always sing that to you. Because there will always be someone somewhere that does care, just because you do not know them, doesn't mean they don't care or aren't there. We all matter, it all matters. And there is such a thing as Love without condition.

[@TammyMason-uu2of]

I just asked my partner if he would watch this.

[@kimberlyhouser7690]

Jacob, I'm going to be visiting your channel. You're opening up about your feelings about yourself & how you perceive yourself & being afraid of rejection sounds a whole lot like my 27 year old grandson that has had a lot of depression, anxieties, fear of rejection & has lost girlfriends & friends due to his sometime exploding and being abusive which has always seemed to me like there's a completely different person in there that I don't know when he acts that way. He has been to therapy & says it is useless. He also believes that he can't be loved, that he's not worthy of love. He won't let us celebrate his birthday. He was diagnosed with dissaasociative personality disorder. He was the absolutely sweetest, kindest, loving young man and when he hit about 16 or 17 he began having terrible anger issues and he didn't like what was happening to him. He sounds a lot like you, I think. This has been very eye opening. Thank you both so much!

[@faithlove377]

This was so deep and I am so proud of him for being so honest and really helping me to understand in a way that's so different than anything I have studied in the past 8 years.

[@user-eo8pc6co2x]

What to be proud of ,does he do anything positive to anybody.this is pure supply to disgusting alien.not humen

[@dougal1351]

@faithlove, Remember, his motives for doing this interview werent to help people. It was a benefit for himself. He announces or at least reminds people that he has his own channel, etc

[@kimberlyhouser7690]

That made perfect sense to me what he said about the helping felt more genuine on his KZbin channel when someone thanked him for giving her more insight into Narcissism.

[@ruttles]

Very surprised at the comments. Her questions are strong and the answers are fascinating and enlightening. Remember it's an interview, not a session 🙂

[@adimeter]

I am ambivalent over this interview. I feel bad for the young man. At the same time I have been made miserable by a narcissist. She caused me to loose contact with a dear friend who is going through Alzheimers. Because of this damaged woman I will not get to spend the last lucid days with my friend. I won't even know if she leaves this world. The situation is lousy on both ends.

[@scarredcitizen2023]

Because we all have some narcissistic traits, I can see how uncomfortable parts of this are for him, when talking about how no one would accept the real him, no one REALLY EVEN KNOWS HIM, But he can't wait to show somebody the real him but he needs someone to help him peel the layers... but he cannot...I felt that.

[@peacetwinkiesandlove]

Maybe you should talk more about the intentions and subsequent actions of the narcissist when she/he feels slighted...the lack of empathy they lack that makes it permissible to weaponize another's childhood trauma to crush him, and trauma bonding that person to inflict even more pain

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

There's far too many of those type channels out there as it is, and not many of these kinds, so I hope she doesn't do those type videos. I see in comments that she does validate people who have been hurt by narcissists and does understand the pain can be overwhelming. The narcissist does not trauma bond us, or set out to do so. That happens w/ no understanding or planning by either side.

[@jeanne5371]

Ok loved his honesty, but I do not believe narcissists can change. I think if you really listen to what he is saying he already knows he won’t change although he might be a little more aware, but I am doubtful his behaviors will change dramatically. I myself was in a 14 year relationship. It was very abusive and I was trying to help him and tell him I was aware of the behaviors and that I was going to support him but these people don’t really want to change -it’s working for them -so beware of the narcissist, they may be suffering, but they caused a lot of pain on other good people that certainly didn’t deserve it. Listen to Professor Sam Vaknin. He explains in detail, the issues, the psychological and pathological issues. Worst mental disorder out there as it entails the spectrum of all mental disorders - sort of like a Jekyl and Hyde syndrome - you will be walking on egg shells not knowing at any given moment which will appear.

[@tricia007100]

And HG Tudor - he tells it like it is and the focus is on the victim - us! The narcissist simply moves on to their next victim. We are left destroyed and suicidal.

[@camilascatonebedin3002]

No one should stick around in an abusive relationship. You should take care of yourself first and foremost. It does not mean that you can't want the other person to get better (separated from you, of course). Or maybe you can't feel empathy towards that person because they hurt you, and that is normal, but it still doesn't mean you can't, in a general sense separated from a single individual, want people with similar issues to seek help. From the video, it seems some behaviors can be improved, so it is not helpful to anyone to believe a certain personality disorder is impossible to be remediated and lead people with such disorders not to seek help. Not seeking help will lead them to hurt themselves and others more than if they did seek help. Additionally, this does not mean you should stick around an abusive partner waiting until they get better, since this may cause you more harm and, as I said initially, you should prioritize your own mental health, whether the abuser also needs help or not (they can get an actual therapist and you can live your separate life).

[@PlumpPotatoRump]

Respectfully, I hear you and you might even be right but i do think you're painting with a broad brush. I think it comes down to whether the individual wants to do the hardwork themselves to change. U can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Maybe most narcissist won't change but at the end of the day people CAN make that choice.

[@nathicana7284]

omg he gives the narc vibe right from 1st word

[@WonderLust_22113]

@thenamelessnarc: Very interesting thank you for opening up. It makes you authentic and relatable. Honesty looks cool on you! You made me reflect a lot

[@fishstickbio594]

This guy is very good at pretending to not know what he was doing to others ….because he used everyone to get where he is now ….watch this guy getting older and secretly think he is young and virile…..he loves the camera nr the attention he gets …it is obvious if you really pay attention ….the Achilles heal is …..he is afraid to be consistently vulnerable and vulnerable with females in general …and he is using humor to pretend he is not in pain ….

[@shelia12047]

Every human being has faults or repeated patterns we wish we could just stop. We could ask why do victims of this disorder keep repeating their patterns of behavior of leaning into narcissist people over and over again..they are aware they're repeating those patterns but they keep doing the same thing over and over again. I believe it is our attachment style that lies at our very core that we adapted as a survival technique to regulate our emotions as children..being aware isn't enough to turn it off...

[@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285]

I admire this Man's honesty. Takes guts & courage 💯💯

[@kelsey71589]

This is so good to watch. Eye opener, really.

[@emilynorth6068]

This is really interesting and informative and thank you to the anonymous narcasist for being so open

[@beaglerescue5281]

Jacob is more honest than the average person.

[@user-xd6us9yj9w]

Because he’s had therapy.

[@simspunkygirl2000]

This was wonderful, funny, hopeful, heartbreaking and painful to watch. His demeanour, his humour, his charm, the stories he told, it’s like you had a conversation with my ex partner. Straight away I felt the same feelings of care and compassion, while feeling disrespected and diminished, while wanting to save him, while feeling cherished and admired and also completely unseen. All the rollercoaster feelings that I’ve gotten distance from since ending that relationship, right here again. It’s a really hard place to be in, holding compassion for someone while holding your own boundaries. I tried really hard but couldn’t do it. Compassion for myself and moving forward is what I’m trying really hard now. This was very insightful, lots of love to you both. ❤

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you so much for commenting - yes, the narcissistic dynamics are very present in this interview. Wishing you strength and compassion in your future relationships 🙏

[@ColleenBarlow]

EXACTLY!!! SO FRUSTRATING AND SAD.

[@vikkiweigel2504]

I relate

[@shelleyschneider1725]

I enjoyed this interview I lived this my whole live

[@laurajobusch5215]

This interview is very helpful in understanding narcissism. Thank you both.

[@drruthannharpur]

You're welcome, thank you for commenting 🙏

[@dianedelaplace1265]

This interview was so interesting. Thanks to both of you.

[@spiritnarc]

Thank you for the shoutout ❤

[@drruthannharpur]

You’re welcome ❤️

[@janm9610]

Very insightful young man. Had to be tough shoes to live in

[@maryhillebran103]

Jacob you have helped me (through your channels) to understand a lot of what I felt in the relationship I have stepped back from. I resonated with.."Feeling that i was just someone in my friends story and that she really did not see me". (Going through my own therapy now to heal why I let this happen) I felt the loneliness...maybe the projection... of her feelings. If I understand correctly, she feels like she is just a part in her own story also and she does not feel like she can see herself because she essentially keeps that part of her hid away from herself and others. Thank you for helping educate and watching you heal in the parts you share. You are allowing that little one to peek out.

[@Snow-wz6eu]

He really lights up when you talk about the good about having NPD.

[@lisaripley2363]

Narcissist dont typically get "help."

[@rms15374]

25:04 “Everything is so f…fake!” He screams out loud his problem several times. For a long time I did not understand this perception expressed by my ex-husband as well , but most of the narcissists have in common this perspective or view of life. How could they ever build a relationship ? His past is full of destructions, as he mentioned…is devastating to be this dead and yet alive…

[@robinyoung2415]

Omg you are fuckin awesome! I have so much hope for you! You should be so proud of yourself for the knowledge you have. That's the first & most important thing.

[@robinyoung2415]

No you would be a wonderful testimony of how a narc CAN change. Just from watching this I believe you've already started that journey. Well & the fact that I was with one for 26yrs..

[@aurockscastillo5460]

Narcissism is cope for emptiness. People like this don’t have a self ,they are not centred around a coherent self. Their constant drive for attention is a way to self medicate for a lack of a self ,they can’t exist without attention from other people. Many psychologists call narcissists an empty vessel ,a glass jug that’s empty that can never be filled .

[@EditorDan]

You have to give him credit it must be very painful to be that vulnerable and open about how he thinks. Also fascinating to see from a safe perspective how this behavior could be so damaging. I can really see the different situations, certainly in my own life, where I've experienced this type of behavior and how it's left me broken. Good job Doctor Ruth and Nameless Narcissist

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

That section near the end where Jacob shared statistics on NPD (around 106 I think) was really encouraging. Around 53% were treatable and could go into remission. The most likely trait to go into remission was interpersonal exploitation - that's huge and so encouraging. No one is sharing that. The Dr. Ramani's and even self awares like Lee/Mental Healness and Ben/Raw Motivations aren't even sharing this and speak of themselves as unicorns. While almost half won't get treatment, over half can and do receive treatment and large reduction in the disordered behavior that hurts others so much, and torments them. Wow. The suicide stats are shocking too. NPD usually gets talked about like narcissists just love being narcissists and get off on hurting others. I do not like the term "supply", it makes them sound like vampires seeking blood/fuel. It is exhausting to live w/ and love one, but the can contribute too, esp. if they seek help.

[@SamStone1964]

They are vampires seeking supply.

[@mahahabib3142]

Lol continue to be delusional this kind of thinking is dangerous and keeps victims stuck. You can feel bad but that doesn't excuse the lives they ruin and also narcissim has infected society and many people support narcissists and work with them to ruin people's lives. Narcissim is rampant and many people have been infected by narcissists. It's a parasite and again have compassion and understanding but from a distance. Also narcissists will use the mask of self realization and improvement as another way to get supply from people like you. Again either your an enabler or haven't actually dealt with people like this they are vampires and truly evil that's why people report over and over their health decline, autoimmune diseases, migranes, fatigue, financial ruin, early aging , a sense of loss of self at the hands of these people how is that not vampirism. The interviewer is giving him supply. And don't get me wrong this interview is important but if you don't think her energy is feeding his you still need to do more work.

[@beaglerescue5281]

It’s seems all the experts hate narcissists. They speak of them with such disgust. How can you possibly help people with such a negative attitude?

[@SamStone1964]

@@beaglerescue5281 It's not a negative attitude. It's self preservation. Narcissists have caused us so much harm that we need to keep firm boundaries in place. We can have compassion and love for the narcissist while keeping well away.

[@staceystrukel1917]

@@beaglerescue5281because these are people who do ALOT of harm. This should not be down played. Dr. Ramani is telling the truth and getting people out of harmful relationships. It is NOT your job in a relationship to fix someone or take abuse. If they seek therapy someday then that is great but they should be in your rear view mirror by then. Even if they get therapy it is highly unlikely your relationship can be healed from the damage when your with someone with the actual personality disorder. You can forgive them from afar.

[@klewinhicks]

I have a difficult time hearing Ruth Ann’s commentary. Her voice is too low compared to Jacob’s. I can only hear his speech clearly.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thanks for highlighting this - will certainly bear this in mind for future interviews and try to address. Any audio quality tips gratefully received!

[@Techsnobs]

This is strong stuff. For more then one reason.

[@peeweelickdoughal639]

As child, we do what we’re told to avoid punishment. Then we grow up and do not know who we are❤

[@user-bs3qz4xk1i]

Very good interview.

[@isobelle.London]

I love this ❤

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you! 🙏 I would love to hear what was most helpful to you if you have time/inclination to share

[@isobelle.London]

The entire segment. I am interested in cluster B’s as I am one so the similarities and differences in thoughts, behaviours, logic and history.

[@stevetag2081]

Love how he is nameless but yet his name is at the bottom left of screen

[@stevetag2081]

Aaaa ok

[@sandralogue1774]

There is defense for what has been to me,it was intentional,it was malevolent and nearly resullted in me taking my own life. The wounded child defense was is just an attempt to soften the the abuse.

[@tricia007100]

Similar happened to me. Narcissism can't be minimized as this video attempts to do. These people are criminal!! We have to have strict laws against their insidious gas-lighting, trauma bonding, exploitation, threats, deception, physical abuse, coercive control, etc.

[@elsh332]

Jacob, you got so vulnerable in this interview. I see how you used laughter to deflect but the pain was real. Im a bleeding heart and perpetually drawn to narcissistic people because your pain evokes my compassion. I'm sorry for your difficulties with this disorder. I am proud of you for continuing to pres on and grow and find yourself ❤

[@adimeter]

I too see his laughter to deflect. It's hard to watch.

[@angiea8022]

Dr Ruth doesn't seem to be able to connect with the narcissist. And she is barely speaking over a whisper, which is annoying. Some things are certain, narcissists don't get better. Actually, with age they get worse -- always. They become better liars, better manipulators, etc.

[@tricia007100]

You are correct...this whole perspective of having empathy for the poor narcissist is ridiculous. They know right from wrong!!! Most are not aware they are narcissists and they never will be and they will never change. What this personality is - it's abusive in a very insidious way - they use evil trauma bonding, deception and gas-lighting to trap, manipulate and destroy others. They have zero integrity or morals. The only answer to can a narcissist change is - NO!! they are what they are and they improve over time - just as you said - becoming better liars, manipulators, etc. Most of them should be in prison!

[@stephaniewilliams845]

She is too quiet and I'm not able to watch this, only listen, bc of her weird background and his sunglasses (it's a pet peeve)

[@jessicamontgomery1380]

@@freedomwarrior5087 Unfortunately it looks like this clinician is naive and believes that cluster b disordered people’s devaluing of others does not apply to her 😂

[@utubekullanicisi]

I mean this guy definitely seems like he's intellectually more aware of what's going on in his brain than when he first started researching, I definitely see that to be encouraging.

[@SS-in1ts]

So much criticism for two strangers none of you know. Maybe you’re narcissists….

[@davidfullstone]

Great interview.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you 🙏

[@ohyeah971]

@16:00 when he has zero compassion or empathy for his thereapist it feels like a text book example of a narcissist. "What relationship? I'm paying you." There is zero reflection on the value of the work his therapist provides. Extreme self centeredness. I sense he believes his therapist is lucky to work with such a great case study, or maybe I'm projecting? Maybe it takes a narcissist to know one.

[@kalyasaify]

start all over with your psy knowledge. talking literal nonsense. but yeah it's easier for you to point at others than accepting to look for a therapist. jacob is a wonderful human, your comment is stinky bc it came straight out of your suna :(

[@manuelastangier5195]

He used his therapist like a tool for him -says it all 😢

[@a.alexandrajimenez8437]

Wow.. a very interesting interview.

[@user-kp6ud7ht4z]

Fucking amazing interview, you are both amazing people!

[@user-vj9mu9jb1p]

I absolutely loved this interview. I am left speechless. All I can say is thank you both. I was my mother, who has NPD scapegoat. Watching this just took me to the next step in my own healing journey. It is like automatic for me to use laughter to cover up pain and or uncomfortable feelings. I do that tons. I feel less alone. From the millions of videos I have watched that have anything to do with NPD. This by far has the most profound impact on me. I am going to watch it again.

[@Dynamic_heart]

Narcissist don’t love themselves. He needs constant validation. He doesn’t define Narcissist correctly. He uses pathological to hide who he is. He thinks that because he’s not pathological he’s a better person. He is definitely grandiose. He may be depressed, but he constantly hides it with his facade that he believes he’s better. If I saw him, I would B-line in the opposite direction.

[@religiohominilupus5259]

This talk was even better than the last one, thank you both! Among other things, it shows that pwNPD are capable of self reflection, something that's often dismissed. Dr. Ruth, do you by any chance know of a study either conducted in Europe or somewhere else but by European researchers which mentions that integrating pwNPD into society yields better outcomes than ostracizing them? I can't remember the researchers' names or the title of the research paper, and a description of the study hasn't led to any results when I googled it. 😬 I'd appreciate it if you could cite it, if what I described rings a bell and you know the study I'm referring to.

[@drruthannharpur]

I’m not familiar with this study! If you find it, I’d love to see it.

[@religiohominilupus5259]

@@drruthannharpur Thanks for your response! If I come across it again, I'll post it.

[@MorningDove]

I find Jacob very deep and intelligent, and yet I see so much sadness behind his laughter. It has become very unsettling for me to watch his face and mannerisms as I suddenly realize he becomes a six or seven year old with a lot of fear and shame when explaining his feelings, right before my eyes. His gestures and posture become that of a child who is deeply pained and ashamed. I suddenly don't feel well right to my core knowing and seeing he has lost himself somehow 😢 I suppose in all our imperfection, sadly we have all lost ourselves in one way or another.

[@SometimesLessIsMore]

The audio is very difficult to hear when Ruth speaks.I give this gentleman credit for speaking about himself. In my experience, most narcissists don't even seem to know that they are this way and are typically accusing others of being a narcissist, aka deflection. I have yet to know one that has any self-awareness or have empathy.

[@chap8938]

I actually feel a bit sad for him, i feel you can see that shame and sadness when he says something sad or painful but then he brushes it away so quickly with that sort of charming veneer and smile. Im a diagnosed covert narcisist and im trying to see if i really am one by trying to compare myself to one, im honestly so confused and probably envious of this guy because he seems so much more charming and confident than i am. I still feel theres a lot of hurt inside him though, and i think i can see real bits of emotion but i think he just cant deal with them so he puts on that bro like arrogant facade, but i think i can see a much more sad and hurting person there that is probably just trying to understand himself.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

Jacob, I loved that section and insight around 104 where you said that it was a relief to find out you had a personality disorder. So now it wasn't your personality that was flawed, it was the personality disorder that affects your personality. Otherwise you'd just be an asshole. You seem to have always held onto the hope and instinct that you aren't, that something is wrong. This struck me in dealing w/ my ex. We are twice your age, but a big trigger for him is dealing w/ "his flaws". He wants to lump terrible behavior like lying and cheating under flaws, which used to appall and confuse me. Now it makes more sense, because he was always hypersensitive about flaws and being checked on anything, like responsibilities.

[@KimpUK1]

As a daughter of a narc mother that is no contact (I have 3 young girls and I didn't wana the cycle 2continue). I thought I'd got a good understanding of NPD but WOW its hard not 2feel sorry 4this very wounded soul. I'm going 2look in2 him cause I actually learnt empathy 4 the disorder 2day. !!!

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you. When you realise the suffering that lies behind narcissism, you can feel compassion. But compassion needs boundaries and wisdom and we need to include ourselves in our compassion and keep ourselves and those we are responsible for safe first. I do think it's very helpful and creates a potential for improved relationships for some people (not for all) to have more understanding and empathy regarding narcissism. That's certainly my experience in working with children of highly narcissistic people. It's complicated, but a black and white perspective and advice to cut people off completely just isn't acceptable to a lot of people.

[@bikergirl420.]

Loved your introduction using humour 😂but also cleverly factual. Thank you to both you & Jacob. I enjoyed the other interview too. If you are ok with answering these questions on utube can I ask where you are based in the Uk? Are you with the NHS or private? ❤️‍🩹✌🏻

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for your very kind comments! I worked in the NHS for many years but am now solely in private practice. Im based in London but work almost entirely remotely in the post covid era. My private practice website is here if you are interested in the work I do: www.ruthannharpur.co.uk

[@bikergirl420.]

@@drruthannharpur Thank you. I’m sure there will be a lot of interest & not just me 😊 I’ve had a look & all of your team have a very impressive description of experiences & interests. My heart skipped a beat when I read there’s a member of the team that understands adhd. It would still be difficult to know who to choose as you all sound great 😂 Jacob is doing a great job on his mission to educate. I appreciate everything he’s doing. That’s how I found out about the work you do. Thanks again

[@lindafriedlander1706]

It is obvious he is anxious with a nervous laugh and constant annoying playing with his hair. He was being vulnerable talking about his arrogance and insecurity and hurting a past girlfriend,

[@Kat-8888]

I think the focus should always be to be of service to others and to not sit in self absorbtion

[@sammywu5215]

for a narcissist, this guy is really likable.

[@heythere6983]

I don’t think Pepe believe narcissists love Themselves , I think most people believe narcissists are full of themselves , they just think they have some “aren’t I great?!” Feelings about themselves all the time . Doesn’t mean they believe it, but that’s what they act like, they are constantly trying to seem above average to others and feel the need to be ahead of the pack for no reason other than deep rooted insecurity . I had someone call me a narcissist, he was using that to justify a bpd girl to be mad at me bc I got fed up with her treatment of me and her gaslighting . He was on a date with her and I didn’t know , she told me she was only seeing me . He then trauma bonded her off my shoulders since I was mad , so he looked like a hero and he also escalated the situation and pretended he fended me off lol , and then she openly proclaimed she found her “soulmate” bc he told her everything she wanted to hear and he mirrored her interests. All he did was act like he was the cure to our situation, he claimed he was helping me out and he claimed to understand good communication while stalling hers and mines, he kept interjecting himself and trying to narrate reality and reverse engineer what happened between her and myself though he only knew her for 4 days and I knew her for over a year and was mostly wildly patient despite her treating me like used toilet paper . I loved her but was convinced she was getting pleasure from mistreating me and gaslighting,lying etc. she never was willing to talk about anything necessary, always rolled her eyes and ignored me or just stood silent while I tried fixing the dynamic she created . But that guy was the cherry ontop, his wild manipulative tactics were so obvious and self serving yet this girl couldn’t tell. I always sensed she could easily be manipulated bc she was so moody and arrogant but what could I do then? She was undiagnosed so she had no reason to believe she was wrong about anything

[@anonymousresistance123]

I actually came here because I needed to find out if guidance regarding narcissism is balanced and if my covert narc mom deserves me to go no contact. I don't think she does when there are other ways to manage it. To find out the behaviors of many narcs comes from self dislike doesn't excuse the behavior, but I can understand that self dislike sucks. Also, it doesn't seem like all narcs are equally harmful.

[@drruthannharpur]

Welcome! You might find this video helpful kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZpPJaqGDnJtmpsU You are right, narcissism is a wide spectrum. I hope you find some ways to cope with your relationship with your mom that works for you 🙏

[@drruthannharpur]

Another one you might find helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pJvJgGxrm9JsbpYsi=p_RpyM7p9xIZBvjs

[@stevenm2722]

Really interesting and informative video. I just wish that Dr Ruth Ann Harpur's mic wasn't so quiet.

[@drruthannharpur]

Sorry about that! This was one of the first interviews I did for KZbin and the quality isn't as good as I'd have liked. Hopefully things have improved on more recent videos 🙏 Thank you for bearing with the sound quality

[@user-zk9zw9cx5b]

He still sounds like he has a grandiose personality.

[@cheyennewilliams8300]

I have been married to a Narcissist for 30yrs and he left me for other women so many times I can't count this time the woman live nect door to me I have been crying 😭 for 2months every night i think to myself I made it through another day and every day I say to myself oh boy another day of struggling from a 💔 i will start to get some counseling

[@liezebartsch-wx2wf]

Stop touching your hair. Rather cut it evenly around your head and you’d be much more handsome. Thank you for your honesty. How was your relationship with your parents? Did something happen to you as a child which caused this disorder?

[@drruthannharpur]

After some of the comments here, I want to clarify, Jacob is not and never has been my patient and this is an interview about his experience and not a therapy session.

[@mh4502]

Hi. I am wondering if you could speak louder or could you position your mic closer to your voice? It was hard (straining) to hear what you had to say. I heard Jacob well, but not you. It was a bit frustrating. I thought it might be helpful for you to know. I couldn't finish the interview. Thank you though for doing it.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@mh4502 Thank you for trying. This was one of the first interviews I did for KZbin and I hadn't figured out the audio issues. Hopefully more recent interviews on the channel are of better quality.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

You really got him to open up Dr. Ruth. I just wish the volume was more even. You are too quiet and he was too loud, so I couldn't watch it at night and needed subtitles.

[@drruthannharpur]

I know …. Hopefully we have been able to correct these issues with more recent videos. Thank you for persisting with it.

[@babzbonhomme5278]

I had the same problem. If I lowered the volume at all I couldn't hear her.

[@doreeneclose6295]

I could hardly hear anything she said. As a boomer, I need a little volume;))

[@adimeter]

Me too - too loud and too soft.

[@juanadrianrobaina5763]

😮OMG,this guy is sooo insecure,I feel sorry for him😢he is laughing a lot but it all seems so desperate and lost,thanks to him anyways for letting us empaths out here know that you guys are never taking us seriously in your own selfish and distorted reality,man,you still have a lot of work to do ,I have suffered a lot in relationships with your kind and good riddance is all I can say,sorry but you made it even more clear to me how evil and selfish and without any regard for others , narcissistic monsters are😮Thanks for that,it opened my eyes.Never again.

[@kalyasaify]

you didn't get anything from this video. go see a therapist pls. you're extremely ignorant, unempathetic, biased, triggered, uneducated. such a long comment just to bash narcissists and make it all about yourself. if you click with a narc so you tend to like the vibe. at least we're open minded, but you really have to grow up. I'm a narc myself due to trauma, bullying and the main reason (I know I have the right to say out loud what I think & idgaf) because of my big brain. I even impress myself with my analyzing skills and all the stuff I thaught myself all alone while being an undiagnosed autistic genius.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

Kudos to you.

[@beaglerescue5281]

Not very empathetic of you.

[@modern_mind_coach]

I wish she had asked about his childhood!

[@juliagetty-gordon2500]

How can he be aware of his disorder? I've never known that to be true...

[@kalyasaify]

bc he's smarter than average. I'm in his team 🧠

[@AliceDont333]

Narcissists are self-aware.

[@kalyasaify]

@@AliceDont333 not all of us. depends on the person

[@beaglerescue5281]

I believe they’re all aware.

[@adimeter]

Eve heard of Professor Sam Vaknin?

[@redremi83]

Difference in volume is aggravating

[@rochelle_johnston2703]

cheers

[@privacy9175]

If you find it hard too hear put Earphones on. It should help with the sound ❤

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for this tip! 🙏

[@carlahafeman6461]

This guy would seem to be narcissist lite; the one I was married to was a charmer, charismatic, a compulsive liar, manipulative, a thief and psychopath. Classic in the sense that he would have seen me dead, ideally. I suppose so very talented at it until drug habits made him a shell and not so pretty.

[@tricia007100]

Definitely narcissist lite - I love that term!! One of the real nasty ones would never even be able to admit there was anything wrong with them. I was destroyed by one of the nasty ones.

[@vikkiweigel2504]

Familiar, but in my case he was a porn and sex addict

[@marcuswardshow]

Confronting a Narcissist from Instagram | Marcus Ward Show kzbin.info/www/bejne/hp3XenuPjNR1n9Esi=PdjmExyNpjZMKf2w

[@javalily]

OMG this guys whole look, his hair, his mannerisms, SCREAM narcissist.

[@lorrainesawday4959]

He reminds me of my eldest son.

[@FromMyHeartToYoursMJ]

@@lorrainesawday4959so sorry😢

[@photina78]

Yay! 🎉😃💖

[@drruthannharpur]

Thought you'd like this one!

[@photina78]

@@drruthannharpur I do! It's wonderful! I hope everyone who watches this will also watch his interview of you on his channel.

[@EbonyHoopGyal]

How do we address or navigate the fact that financial networks are largely controlled by and reward narcissists? Can psychiatrists help victims to combat this, build financial stability, and create our own networks? It causes us to keep having to face these kinds of people over and over...

[@Mechanically_Speaking]

Jacob.. You do realize that all your viewers care about you

[@beaglerescue5281]

I certainly do. I want to hug him so bad.

[@MrsLittletree]

40:25 very true. Therapist can and sometimes do manipulate.

[@EbonyHoopGyal]

I think they are addicted to bad things happening or negative emotions. It's like if they aren't causing someone the deepest form of trauma, they are uncomfortable with themselves.

[@cherylsavage6178]

Some people are just criminals

[@candacejones3352]

Question is can he change and not be a narcsicist? Does he want to change? He's very honest about it though.

[@AliceDont333]

You cannot cure NPD. You can can change your behavior.

[@jonstersmall2716]

I don't monitor my self esteem. It doesn't need "regulation." This idea is alien to me. Whereas I used to have very low confidence and I used to despise my appearance and personality, nowadays , in my 40s , I am at peace with who iam. I didn't choose to be who I am but, ultimately, I am what I am.. So what does that mean in terms of placing me on that continuum?

[@drruthannharpur]

I'm glad you've been able to make peace with yourself. Low self esteem and even self hatred is not unusual but not everyone manages it through narcissism. Some people use perfectionism, people pleasing, playing small, putting other people forward, hiding in the background etc. And people vary in how much attention to pay to how they think and feel about themselves.

[@tricia007100]

There are narc tests you can take online

[@jonstersmall2716]

@@tricia007100 there doesn't appear to be consensus

[@Soh583]

Could not hear the Dr at all 🙄

[@katherinepoltoratzky6068]

What was the question at 15:40?

[@aliciacurtsinger2236]

Hello Jacob, is it true that narcissist never feel live for someone or does it depend on the depth of the person with NPD? Thank you

[@aurockscastillo5460]

They have an empty core ,they don’t have a personality or ego ,they are caricatures of human beings. People like this don’t interact with people as people,they interact with them as cartoon figments in their mind ,this explains why Jacob calls everything fake . He can’t see people as external beings separate from himself.