Intimacy, Sex & the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style | Thais Gibson - Personal Development School

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@jeys4432]

The part where you said the parent hits the kid and then asks for a hug speaks exactly to my childhood

[@pab4435]

Sorry to hear that Jey S Some parents do not realize the responsibility that parenthood is. My mom ran off from my father overnight and took me, when I was 4. As an adult I met him and realized he is totally cool, but mama is off the radar not ok

[@RippleDrop.]

😔

[@runningsrage5895]

My Narc dad was like that yeah..

[@isadei1105]

My mom was like that, she hit me and then came for a hug

[@daniellemichayla]

💯 my mom would force me to sit on her lap and hug her after she had hit me several times with a paddle. If I tried to refuse she would ask if I needed another spanking😭

[@RababChams]

I identify with this so much. My sexual/emotional/mental boundaries were all intruded by my parents. I am absolutely petrified of closeness but I need it more than anything else. At times i hold myself back from telling a person that i love them because it means that i’ll become reachable and they’re going to be able to say i love you whenever they want. that just scared me because i know i’m not consistent, one day i want them and the next, i just want to crawl into a hole and completely disappear. i also avoid sex because i’m too worried my fearful avoidant might kick in midst sex or that i might not be enough for them. one of my shittiest coping mechanism is disappearing and i hate myself for it because i hurt so much people on the way. i just don’t know where to start it’s like a never ending empty loop. i decide to put myself out there but once i’m met with love and appreciate i feel like the world would end in five if i don’t run away. it’s so suffocating

[@JonJon-pj9ly]

Girls have this so much. Men mistake this with hypergamy, physical rejection or simply slutiness. And maybe It is. It hurts the guys so much, yes indeed. At this day and age, famales have way too many options and guys are always working their asses off their whole life to get opportunities like this and then this happens. I don't judge at all. I think maybe a great difficulty or a great time of need Will kind of clear many issues bringing Men and women together like Magic. I choose to stay optmistic. I have a dear dear little girl in my life who does exactly those kind If things to me, its like she enjoys stabbing me with knives. Its happening right now and hurts more than physical pain (i'm amateur fighter so guess what Ive been through). Again, I choose to respond only with kindness and love. Although I know I wont be sticking around much, altought I know she dreads me loving her back, she ia terrified of me leaving her. I know ALL that, and we never spoke about It. I also never get to close after se have relations, I know she wants and doesn't wants at the same time, like you said. I can only give her my love to her from distance and through prayers and positive thinking, god I love this Chuck but I never said that and she might not even know It. She has her issues bad and I know It, she did hurt many guys and many seem to have the patience to stick around and try their chance. Im not revenging and I wont ever, but leaving might do her good by doing her bad, If that makes sense.

[@Borboleta1212]

Heather I’m 31 and relate to the majority of what you said in your comment- good to know I’m not alone . So glad I’ve found this channel! I i posted a lonnggg essay-like comment above if you’re interested in reading it and seeing if you resonate. Good luck with overcoming your difficulties! ❤️

[@forloveandasong0030]

I've been trying to understand what intimacy feels like for someone with an FA attachment style. Thank you sharing your experience, it offers one a glimpse. Someone I know told me recently they felt trapped talking to me, over the phone. I don't know how to understand or receive that, other than the fact that it was distressing for the person.

[@teewizz24]

Hit the nail right on the head with this one

[@honeyx7879]

this is literally me.

[@anandagopalpardue270]

I wonder if you also see pattern in fearful avoidants where they require some sort of intoxication in order to truly let go and enjoy themselves in sex.

[@Kareena1988]

Wow..what a great observation...i have tried sex but i could never let go..i was in my head all the time

[@sarahgaylee]

Great comment. I find myself drinking far too much when I’m looking for intimacy as almost a buffer so that if I’m rejected or anything goes wrong I can blame it on the alcohol

[@mercymunoz1408]

@@Kareena1988 this happens to me a lot. I be in my head a lot and I feel so bad sometimes, because my partner is like, what are you thinking about? everything ok? and I dont even know how to explain what im feeling.

[@manurossini2965]

I totally identify with that

[@Gk-db9fy]

I used to think I’d only get turned on if I was drunk or high, I just wouldn’t enjoy sex before that

[@LoveToday8]

When I was younger I definitely felt safer having sex with someone than I did telling them how I really felt and setting boundaries. I didn't even know what boundaries were until 2 years ago and I'll be 30 in a month.

[@victorianewton2426]

Keep up the good work! You're going to get there. You're an amazing person regardless of your struggles. Keep fighting for you!!

[@msmaine5179]

Same about not knowing boundaries. I’m 46 and have just started this journey. Good luck on yours 😊

[@douglascampbell4993]

Lol, I’m 36 and this is me learning about boundaries and my attachment style etc now.. 🤣🤣🤦‍♂️

[@kirakeynow]

same

[@andreamagyar7776]

Please, do not punish yourself for what you did not know. How could we know when nobody enlight us? Now you are on the right path ☺

[@goldenxdiva6562]

I’m 100000000% fearful avoidant whose completely avoided sex and intimacy as a whole. I’m really trying to heal though cause I want to be loved and love back.

[@natesharp8448]

I see we are similar

[@fromeveryting29]

Same yo! Petrified of sexual and other closeness, but also long for it. It feels like the most difficult and hurt area of my life. I've never felt safe enough to be able to have sex, even when I had the oppertunity.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I'm eager for emotional intimacy and physical affection, but sexual stuff? NO NO NOOOOO! I don't want it, I'm too self conscious, I don't have enough interest or desire for it, and...yeah. I'd prefer it to just not really exist

[@OA2605]

Same

[@themacocko6311]

Same.

[@TRex-ph7qh]

I’m 26 and for most of my life I avoiding talking to men, going on dates, or any situation that could lead to sex. Even though I have a sex drive and I’m sexually attracted to men... and it’s always confused me.

[@JB-1249]

Same! I’ve always felt like there’s something wrong with me because everyone else seems to be able to have intimate relationships but I just feel stuck.

[@drearypoet5603]

T Rex?. Are we the same person??. 🙍

[@vladimirpazur1344]

one day the fact you didn't have many sexual partners will be your award ,..believe me,most men value women like this even they pretend its not matter!....you doing well and hope you'll find right man soon and both u will explore sexual ''moves'' in your life forever

[@andreamagyar7776]

You missed nothing.

[@kenjcruz8002]

Same. Turning 28 tho 😅😢

[@mizmer]

I can relate to dissociating from my body during sex and focusing on pleasing my partner exclusively. It’s been more of an issue for my partners than I ever could have imagined.

[@kathrina.109]

me too 🙈🙄.

[@samkcatladyaks]

Me too.

[@alethealane5023]

Been there. For years. Currently recovering and healing from a “situation-ship” where I was constantly ‘checking out’ during sex, or saying yes when I sure as hell meant no.

[@tobekai]

@@alethealane5023 Omg, me too! I either dont say anything or say "mmhmm" that's my go to.

[@alethealane5023]

Kai No more. It’s never worth it. I’m okay with being single for now & learning how to step into my POWER before I ever sleep with another soul again.

[@deputy5476]

My ex said she’s not used to voicing her opinion because she’s used to getting punched in the face for it😞 and she’s the sweetest woman on the planet

[@simonembatha7707]

Thank you for loving her as she is ❤️

[@sun_rose123]

If you support her in growing by herself from a caterpillar to a butterfly, she will be even more confident, sexy and wonderful. Don't shut her, pull her down mentally, if you notice she's becoming herself, who's she supposed to be ❤️

[@TheBLACKKING25]

Awww :,(

[@esmesal6006]

🥺

[@kaleighlorianne]

Why is she your ex?

[@avanellehansen4525]

YES! Adopted by helicopter mom. Taught to be compliant, good girl, people pleaser. Never taught boundaries or decisions. Went to college out if town and had to decide if I should brush my teeth or to sleep with a stranger, etc. Craving physical touch and romantic love. Married a controlling narcissist that felt familiar like toxic mom. I wish I had learned this fifty years ago!

[@kyrajontae4557]

This is my struggle right now. I feel I found the person who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m confused about if I want him or if it’s just the FA kicking in. Idk if this also is a FA trait but it like I have no idea if what I’m doing with this boy is right. My sex life sucks bc my anxiety kicks in n I don’t feel comfortable during sex, like how comfortable I am with the person himself(if you understand) i want out. Tired of this shit.😂

[@jamie.daugherty]

I almost married a Narc because the strict and controlling nature and lack of boundaries felt like childhood

[@burgerbish]

This is so me. I'm happy I'm learning now before my 30s

[@crashofthemoons]

almost my story to the T

[@Samson789]

As a man I can’t explain how difficult this is, wanting to love and get close but too scared to get that close to someone in fear of them leaving you, even if you act normal on the outside your thoughts and emotions revert back to disorganized attachment.

[@fairpoet81]

Glad to know fellas are doing the inner work! Blessings from Austin 🔥

[@suzanne4396]

Same. Exactly the same and I've been dating for 40 yrs, but never married because I couldn't take that leap of faith in someone... that they wouldn't leave.

[@ambivalent5842]

May I ask, how does this manifest for you in bed? Do you avoid eye contact ? Do you " have sex ' rather than " make love " ? Do you avoid kissing ? Do you avoid pleasing or do you consider pleasing as a reflection of your skills. In other words do you depersonalize it ? Do you skip foreplay or mechanize it ? Do you withhold sex or use it as a weapon ? Once committed in a relationship, do any of the above change?

[@Samson789]

@@ambivalent5842 me personally the sex stays the same and everything else changed, maybe you try to be detached afterwards like caring for a partner or wtv, but mostly the same

[@TheLily97232]

Yeah... I am a woman going back to dating and I am freaking out. I feel like I put so much of myself out there emotionally, it is stressful but it gets zero to no return

[@BangNoShock]

You broke it down very nicely. I grew up with so much inconsistency, different caregivers, my boundaries constantly being trampled upon. I am the exception to the rule because I don't jump from relationship to relationship but I do develop crushes easily. I definitely do feel like I need to earn someone's affection or else I don't want them. It's a constant war between craving to be loved yet sabotaging the moment it comes knocking on your door.

[@kadynrogers7767]

Ugh, same. 😭

[@omnidiscord]

Oof. this hurt.

[@Kristynas706]

Heck yeah….

[@nevalyselucerostar8756]

✋🏼 totally me! I’ve never felt good enough- boundaries failed and never been special enough for anyone. Always an option, or “stepping stone” - now decided late in my life to close up completely- it’s not gonna happen for me. thank you for the info!

[@dreamevenbigger]

I can totally relate to this

[@rushiacampbell9380]

I feel the same way , this just hurts me a lot to know that I’m just one of those people who just find it so hard to feel like I’m worthy of someone loving me .

[@EmpressMedussa]

I understand where you're coming from but dont allow the past to hinder your future. You are worth it & one day the right person will see that and show you in their actions. Speak it into existence love.

[@michellefalco9773]

awww sorry-did you feel that way even in relationships that were good and healthy? even when someone showed u care and love??

[@Sunkissbabe2]

Same, I had a guy who loved me he did everything a man should but I felt as though I don’t deserve to be treated so good that my past taught me that I’ll never be good enough. So when someone finally came along I just could not understand why something good was happening to me like I just push him away even more. It seem to good to be true even though he had no intentions of hurting me , he did everything he could but I just couldn’t see that I do regret it now ...I’m working on myself so I don’t hurt anyone and so I can be open to be loved because I know I’m worthy of it.

[@PeacefullPath-8]

Please raise your kids well I can still site the moments that made me this way . Smh :/ this is a miserable way to go about the world

[@CatEyedGoddess]

I made a decision to not have kids, I am way too messed up. My trauma runs deep. I love my unborn child enough to never have them because I am poorly equipped to be a parent. Plus, I was already a parent to my mother and siblings. Working 2-3 jobs to keep the lights on, while my mother who made 80k a year was busy living it up. I’m tired!!!! Maybe in another lifetime I can be a mother, but not in this one.

[@geralb4u355]

@@CatEyedGoddessI’m very sorry about the situation but I’m happy you are self aware. All the best

[@faithlike]

3:28 is when she starts

[@jovankrstic250]

Thanks

[@Blacbeard31]

Thank you.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Too long of an intro, and too much explaining. Cut to the chase and just tell us already lol.

[@aish3165]

Thank you

[@_Cosmish]

@@asmallbitchybanana no need to be rude.

[@downhomegirl5]

I met a amazing man, had amazing dates, talked long distance. He has avoidant attachment & has weird issues with vulnerability & intimacy, usually goes in Ghost mode. This is very painful for me & after over 2 years of trying for this over the top special connection, I'm just done!! If he can't step up, he will not hear from me, I don't need a pen pal, I need someone I can count on & someone who can at least say I'm having a tough time with this not just go ghost. "Damaged people damage people." I can't say it's worth the pain because, I don't think it is.

[@juliejay5436]

Same here, I don't want a pen pal, specially when the shit hits the fan.

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

Damaged people are good at surfacing the issues we need to work on for our own healing. Why else would we pursue such troubling relationships? Relationships serve as a mirror of sorts

[@honeyx7879]

you were with him for over 2 years, so something must have been good...

[@jonsmith8083]

Julie Jay as a man I can tell you we want you to want us and count on us to be there for you and protect you. That’s out hardwiring

[@barbarafordham9185]

q]pq+

[@suzannem8265]

Spot on! As an FA I have all my life used physical appearance to garner attention and love. It doesn’t work well in the long term but I never linked it to my attachment style.

[@jamie.daugherty]

Wow I so relate to this. I’m convinced people date me for my looks first.

[@robertah2353]

I can relate, since I’ve been a teenager I’ve always thought that looks were the main way to attract a guy, because when I started to put more effort into my looks as a teenager, suddenly guys noticed me. But I don’t want someone to be attracted to me just because they think I look nice

[@niiyabell9457]

I just did a quiz and it said I was fearful avoidant, and this video was spot on. I need this. Especially after having a daughter, I want her to have secured attachment and be balanced.

[@agapetheprodigalraqah]

Really appreciate this video. I am a fearful avoidant with multiple significant traumas and you hit the nail on the head finally talking about those of us who don’t fit the hypersexual dynamic and are on the other polarity. I have avoided sex and relationships for most of my life due to my childhood sexual assault trauma as well as the religious abuse, and emotional and psychological abuse I experienced as a child. It’s only as i’ve gotten older I’m recognizing the need to understand my attachment style and seek multiple forms of healing in order to heal my layered level of traumas. I learned so much from this one video and appreciate it a lot. Thank you

[@keratin4327]

Holy crap- I honestly just thought I was insane. This video helped me so much, I can't even find the words to thank you enough

[@alexajackson8227]

Wow I’m 100% this style. Guess now I just have to learn how to undo it all. You really checked all the boxes that I didn’t even realize I could identify so closely with. The way you described earning love, the way you described non sexual boundary crossing but how that still affects sex. All I can say is thank you! I’m trying to break ancestral baggage and I know I’m the one to do it.

[@Cordial_Lump]

best part of the video for me: Boundary breaks as a kid “Here are my boundaries” -> punishment, mockery, shame Your boundaries dont matter -> you are unworthy of love

[@kolaoshun6298]

Relatable af

[@jasminesmith5999]

I recently took an assessment and was determined to have this as my dominant attachment style. This resonated with me. I was hyper sexual simply because I felt like I couldn’t say no or I felt like if I initiated it then at least I was in control. I am also a serial monogamous and tend to end up in really emotional voliatle partnerships with jealous partners or partners with abandonment issues who reinforce my idea that I have to prove my love/worthiness. I feel extremely guilty when I hurt someone but also resentful because when I set boundaries people always react negatively to them. I was spanked and overall my boundaries were not respected by my mother. She was very dominant and controlling. I often felt like she loved me in a dutiful way but didn’t really like me if I wasn’t doing something that she could be proud of. Everything seemed punitive, disagreeing, having feelings, expressing feelings etc. Times I was spanked then hugged or yelled at not to cry or react emotionally to something painful. I often hear from partners that I am hot and cold. That they don’t know where they stand with me and that they fear I will leave at any given moment. But I am a very giving lover (I learned to enjoy sex by focusing on my partners pleasure ) I understand those feeelings because I have an ongoing internal conflict because I often want to be alone. I feel safer alone but I want to feel close enough with someone. I am here because I am one day post breakup with a partner who has the anxious preoccupied style and I realize every single committed relationship has been with partners with the same qualities. I know what a secure partnership feels like conceptually. I am working the kinks out to feel safe and I put a lot of emphasis on boundaries with raising my son. I do not spank because there’s no way I can rationalize why it’s okay to use physical force with a 5 year old but inappropriate to use with a 25 year old because then it’s assault. Also, I felt betrayed every time someone touched me that way. My relationship with my child is where I strive to evolve for our greatest good. Thank you for this ❤️

[@kadynrogers7767]

❤️❤️❤️

[@crimsonskiss]

I’ve noticed most people here have a parent who didn’t teach boundaries and crossed them, my mom took my door off my room for punishment, searched my texts, walked in my room whenever. It teaches kids that they’re inhuman and that parents reinforce the idea we aren’t worthy of personal space. As an adult we struggle with self worth, hence the high body count and finding our worth through sex, the only time we can let loose and feel liberated. It starts with forgiving yourself and being aware why you became this way and then making a change! Also not repeating the parenting style 😅

[@bobbiecee9955]

I love what you said about physical force . Why do people think it’s ok to “discipline “ minors with physical force but it’s assault when it comes to adults . Rs 💯

[@gingerpowell7962]

Wow. You just wrote my whole life story in this text. So Proud of you that you are doing something different with your child now. This all touched me man..

[@royalmichaels1289]

Makes alot of sense. I am terrified of emotional vulnerability so I seek that somewhere else. I don't kiss, I am getting better with cuddling. I do want to make my partner happy. If I am in a relationship and my emotions do become involved, that's how it all goes quickly downhill. That's when sheer panic sets in. As long as i don't have an emotional connection everything in my life is better or at least easier to cope with. Yet I really really want to be able to connect that way. Work in progress. Thanks for the video

[@akagocha]

May I ask why you don't kiss? Can I make some other questions? Im falling for someone who is great and I want to make him feel secure with me.. it takes time I know..

[@AubreyJuliet]

Yes I’m curious about the no kissing too. I have been involved with a DA and we have intimacy and cuddle but no kissing. I’m having a hard time identifying if he’s not into me or if this is a fear of vulnerability. Trying to make the decision as to whether or not to continue to try with this person.

[@sluggcamps9372]

God bless and good luck, you're so worthy of real connection

[@alessandroricciardi7317]

This is fantastic. I resonate 100%. I am sex-addicted and an addict and this answers questons of a lifetime. Thank you so much!

[@Kareena1988]

What does this mean? You have a relationship and chest or watch porn because....you are afraid of real intimacy or what?

[@alessandroricciardi7317]

@@Kareena1988 I don’t watch porn.

[@sluggcamps9372]

SLAA my friend

[@sujata_155]

Being a fearful avoidant, I am totally disconnected from sex as a whole and I think I really have to work on myself. Thanks a lot for this video, can't wait to see your other videos on this type and how to heal.

[@nubiacabrera919]

For some reason, YT wanted me to watch this video. My mother knew no boundaries, she was very controlling and dominant, which has led me to a path of putting up walls.

[@crimsonskiss]

My issue was my parents always saying “I love you” like when getting off the phone or saying goodnight, when during the day they were angry, and punished through hitting. It clearly wasn’t love but they claimed it was. I also hate that they are Facebook addicts and are addicted to appearing to their friends how great parents they were but behind closed doors my mom has severe anger and was an evil crazy bitch. This screws up a kid because they think that “love” is this fake shit that you just say, but if they’re abusing you while saying they love you than it’s okay. I think most people with this attachment style have seriously manipulative and narcissistic parents.

[@kaleyjoplinRAWRR]

Yup well said. I had abusive parents growing up who were physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me. They were so good at appearing like great parents who gave me everything I needed materially (as in I was fortunate to have food, shelter and clothes) but not emotionally.

[@crimsonskiss]

@@guesswhosbackg6616 also never having kids.. I think we are both afraid of going through that “fake love” again

[@govegan562]

sorry to hear 🥺

[@benf1111]

I wasn't abused but I can totally relate to the "fake shit"/going through the motions/politeness I love yous that always felts so obligatory and forced and begging for reciprocation. I refused to say it back for most of my childhood.

[@JustMe-jd8wr]

I think i finally found out why I haven't found love and a stable relationship at the age of 25. My mom do not mind being naked around me or any other close relatives, however that became an issue when i reached teenage years - it became very uncomfortable for me when she were naked around me. But she never changed behaviour even though i hinted to her, that i did not like it back then, so eventually i gave up and decided to just live with it. So yeah there goes the boundry and amazing how one small thing can change so much.

[@kikumon90]

I completely understand. My mom didn't allow me any physical boundaries. Her bedroom was within my bedroom, so I was never allowed to lock my door. She would hit me a lot and when she felt bad would force me to hug her. And whenever I walked by her she would slap my butt. I hated it so much and would try to block her hands but she never care and would continue the behavior. And she would also change in front of me and my sisters. No wonder I'm this way now!

[@AW-xc1xc]

My mom has generally been the most supportive of my parents, but this hit home. She would shame me for not wanting to be naked around her just because she felt comfortable being naked around me. She would get sad/disappointed when I didn't want to hug her and make me feel so guilty about it that I did anyways. She and I almost became one person, where I had to adapt to her much more than the other way around; all as a coping mechanism for me because of my narcissistic and emotionally distant dad.

[@universaltruth2025]

My father used to walk around naked as well 🤮 definitely a boundary breaker.

[@editorjeannie2318]

My mom did too I’m a woman not sure if you’re a guy She used to have me sit on the toilet while she took at bath and she’d walk around naked. It was awful and so uncomfortable Though I imagine if you were a boy it would be even worse!

[@martine5716]

I'm a healing fearful avoidant without sexual trauma and a-typical it would seem as I have done all those things for those exact reasons. I think the biggest thing I've learned is my worth. I don't have to sex with someone because they brought me dinner or because I need to feel wanted. Once I realised I wasn't going to find what I was looking for in anyone but myself my whole perspective changed and my healing began. I haven't been on Tinder for ages. I've even set some boundaries. Thank you so much because I wouldn't have know all this without your awesome videos.

[@jenbodhi1133]

You don’t owe anyone your body at anytime, for any reason

[@Jennifer-di4nl]

I'm 43 & I don't ever remember having sex sober. And the funny thing is I NEVER drink otherwise. My mother shamed me so much as a child it just always felt wrong.

[@jenjen2868]

Same here. Only sex when drunk. And my mother did the same thing to me. It's tough to work through this as an adult.

[@Jennifer-di4nl]

@@jenjen2868 It's the hardest part of NPD abuse to work though. Men & women tell me I'm gorgeous all the time and I still feel ugly when I look in the mirror.

[@marlenereese96]

YEEESSSSS

[@leahmay1506]

Same same same same same!!!

[@dreamer27-h8k]

31 next month...same!

[@cierarose7637]

thank you for your videos!! i would love to see a video specifically on sexual trauma, the different types and their effects

[@mindblown42069]

Currently in a relationship with a person who is very fearful avoidant. I’m trying to learn more about my own attachment style to see how best I can help her and grow myself so we can move forward. Your videos have been so helpful, thank you.

[@montelo555]

Your attachment videos gave me many 'ah-ha' moments. Thank you. :)

[@SpiralJoel]

Your heart based words of intellect has giving me peace of mind thank you

[@tommytwospirit4197]

Sexual trauma for me is confusing for having hypersexual symptoms but been very avoidant of choosing the right partner which makes me more self conscious of the act with lack of experience that brings more anxiety

[@katienelsen8924]

Genuinely this video just changed my life

[@Theglameffect]

Lately, I’ve been searching deeper within myself. I never realized that I fit this attachment style. I realized that I struggled with setting boundaries because I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me or be upset with me. Saying “No” has been challenging for me and I will be 30 next month. I always longed for love but I get fearful when I think about the long term commitment. I tend to tell myself “who would want to love me for a lifetime”. Omg, I’m so hard on myself and I’m saddened that this has been my life pattern. I have a hard time trusting people and feel that people only wants to take advantage of me. I often NEVER express my feelings but I’m always providing comfort to others. This really touched my heart because I’m damaged and I’m just now realizing it. I have two sons and I’m doing my best to give them the love always wanted to feel. 😢

[@chisomoffor6877]

You are not damaged because you can work around this, it just take time. , but start setting boundaries on yourself by not calling yourself broken or damaged.

[@Theglameffect]

@@chisomoffor6877 thank you. I appreciate the kind words 💕

[@karenellis1031]

Disassociate from my own feelings (because they are painful) but hyper vigilant about other people’s feelings- yes this is all me!

[@janelmiller5935]

This is the best description I have heard about fearful avoidant sex style. I 100% relate to this craziness

[@mimij4341]

I'm sitting here in my car bawling because it finally makes sense. I'm in my late 40s, and everything that was said is me😢. I'm relieved and saddened all at the same time...

[@villagepatrick6376]

Damn. Spot on. I don’t think I understood the boundary in childhood aspect of the matter. But my boundaries were definitely considered a joke.

[@n.c.6211]

Oh my God...everything you said spoke to me...I need the love but I can't stand the emotional intimacy. You helped me so much! Thank you!!! 💕💕💕

[@abosaurus]

I’ve watched many videos about fearful avoidents now and something about the way you broke down the different ways it could manifest based on what sort of upbringing the person might’ve had reallllly clicked for me. Thank you so much for this! I had tears in my eyes because I felt so seen

[@madeleinealiceross1463]

Thank you so much this video is so informative! I’m only 19 and recently have stepped into dating, and all these vidoes are really helping me identify where i struggle and thrive in relationships, and I hope they can help me solve some of these struggles! Definitely a fearful avoidant!

[@mchhRd]

I‘ve been in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant. It‘s been mental abuse! If you give them love, they withdraw, if you retreat, they are hurt because you don‘t show them love. You can never do the right thing. I still have trust issues because of this relationship. The sex was insane though. Never met someone again who was this good at banging😅😂

[@shayvaughan9771]

Not every fearful avoidant is abusive. If they are aware and want to change they can change

[@ash_leigh_robyn]

I am fearful-avoidant and I can't stand what I put my partners through because of my attachment style. I end up leaving them, apologizing profusely for my behaviour, and then wallowing in guilt and bingeing on self help videos trying to get better. Sorry for what you went through. If your ex is self aware, they feel guilty about it. It's a very difficult affliction. I hope you heal from what they put you through, and I hope they gain self awareness and do the work on themselves so that they don't do it to anyone else. Perhaps knowing the cause of their behaviour helps you to heal and forgive (although this would be hard if they never acknowledged their problem), if not, hopefully you feel validated enough to heal your trust issues. Not everyone is like this, and those who are, do not do it intentionally. It is a fear/trauma response to intimacy that takes over your whole body and mind as if you are about to be eaten by a lion.

[@kicksalot9943]

My girlfriend is fearful avoidant I’m anxious preoccupied. When we first started dating I felt so secure with her sex was amazing. But since we started saying we love each other and planning things with our kids together she has started to with draw. She knows her attachment style and we both got workbooks to work on our selves while we are dating she is only know realizing she has pushed all her past partners away because of her attachment style. I’m trying to be a supportive partner because I love her our kids get along great we have even talked about marriage when our kids are off to college. But my anxious style has me really worried she will break up with me. I’m working on my style to we want to be secure together.

[@kicksalot9943]

@@ash_leigh_robyn did you ever leave or push a good romantic partner away. And if so did your guilt make you reach back out to try and reconcile or try again with an ex who was good to you?

[@ash_leigh_robyn]

​@@kicksalot9943 Yes I did! I was best friends with a guy for about a year and then we started dating. He was an amazing partner and friend and I just freaked out, froze up, and broke it off. I think about him often and I'd love to reach out but I really think I hurt him a lot and I would hate to reconcile just to hurt him again. It's not like I'm any different now than I was before. I still have the same attachment issues and I would not want to put him on another rollercoaster with me. I hope he never hesitates to reach out to me if he wants to. But I won't be the one to make that move.

[@maggiessong]

I have been watching your videos and learning from you for several months. I was originally interested in the content primarily to understand my dismissive partner. I have always assumed I am anxiously attached until I bought your book "Attachment Theory." I realize after completing many of the profile questions that I am primarily Fearful/Avoidant. Approaching the information with this new knowledge is very empowering, Thank you so much for your videos.

[@Borboleta1212]

I needed this. Thank you 🙏❤️😊 I have tears of relief - because I now feel validated and understood when I have spent so long not understanding myself and the conflicting emotions I experience when I’m attracted to someone . At least I now know there’s a term for the behaviours I’m exhibiting and a way of developing a secure attachment style (or at least improve on it) Interestingly, I’m 31 and have only had 3 sexual partners...this is extremely low in comparison with my peers, whereas this video you say that people with this style generally more sexual partners than most. ( I guess I’m one of those ‘polarities’/‘anomalies’ you refer to!) I find it’s an intense fear of engulfment coupled with a strong desire for intimacy. I change my mind like the wind and intensely fear conflict and disharmony. I hate hurting people, so therefore I avoid real relationships for the most part and idealise people who aren’t available. I avoid sex for the most part as I feel it binds me to someone which heightens the fear of engulfment . I definitely struggle intensely with voicing my needs (both sexually and more generally) and have just gone along with what the other person wanted for the most part in the past. Thank you for your compassion in sharing this info for free. I agree with the points of having my boundaries invaded in childhood and the helicopter parenting thing. I love my parents, but one thing that really really upset me for years was when my mother would tell me that I had no right to have any privacy with my physical belongings such as diaries as it was her house, and if I didn’t want her to see something it must be that I was hiding something really bad. (In reality I was just extremely shy and have always been a very private person) . I also had “friends” visit my house who would rifle through my drawers and cupboards and generally treat me like a doormat despite my protestations. I have also a lot of shame relating to sex and am fearful of having my boundaries disrespected in this way also...hence why I avoid it. The hyper vigilant thing and being very closed-off, I can completely relate to. This was extremely educational, validating and helpful - thank you so much! I am subscribing and will check out your other videos soon! I intend to overcome this maladaptive style of attachment for good!

[@RababChams]

Louise G. sending love and support your way. 💗

[@Borboleta1212]

Heather Thank you Heather 🙏😊

[@drearypoet5603]

And after just reading your comments on your personAl experience and how it relates.. It just explained SE if the exact same things I have issues with and have struggled with why and how to adjust.. Although I grew up with adoptive parents and siblings which I was sexually abused by for entirety of childhood.. Then when exposed, I ended up being the one they blamed and shamed and took out narcissitic can anger on devalue, and protected golden child.. my role was and still is scapegoat.. I've reached a point in my life where I've had to cease everything. cannot go forward with any relationships, romantic or even friendships, and have been remaining abstenant by choice. I can no longer go through the inner conflict of dealing with a intimate or sexual dynamic. I can't just flow with it like I've always done.. I've committed myself to working on myself so that I may understand all these integrated parts of my conditioned self, in hopes that I may be able to identify the points.. and then grow as I try to adjust into somewhat what's considered a normal-ish or healthier self and I may be comfortable enough someday to experience true intimacy. TBH.. I don't think I ever have. Thank you for this.. So helpful. Especially during these shutdown times where actual personal therapy is not readily available... ❤️. I just learned, and grew. ❤️

[@JB-1249]

You’ve literally just described me. Are we the same person? 😂

[@MsTishalish]

@@drearypoet5603 So sorry for your pain and trauma. The fact that you can articulate your experience and the work you need to do for your own personal growth shows so much depth and compassion for yourself. There are many therapists who are available on Zoom, it's not the same but it could be a start, so you don't have to contain all this pain on your own. You sound like an amazing and beautiful soul. It will all be well. ❤️

[@donellemckenzie5937]

This video has brought about a self awareness that I have been suppress for quite some time. Cried a bit too

[@user-tk4qd8dj1p]

Being abused abandoned traumatized frightened, made me hyper vigilant to others, yet afraid of deep intimacy and of facing abuse that arises when people are in love vs friendships. All my friendships ended with people taking out issues on me (men wanted sex were angry, women were jealous and angry). I’m very passive yet considered beautiful so was idolized...then degraded. It’s been hell. This is me. I’ve been afraid while healing. Felt pain first time since breaking up with them all, and connected to myself first time since when the first childhood trauma occurred. However having trouble staying connected to myself. Feel very much I don’t value emotional intimacy (which was abused), but now know not to rush into relationships, so I’m isolating. How stay consistently interested in my emotions so can avoid dissociating, stay healthily attached to my emotions, and then care to develop actual healthy emotional deep intimacy with others? Sustaining it is hard. :(

[@eRoTiCCrEaTiOnS]

Thank you so much for this video! I feel like I have a fearful avoidant attachment. And everything you just said, resonated with me. Having a better understanding of this is making me feel more empowered to conquering my fears

[@rsamuels6969]

Wow thank you for this video. FA here who was in long relationship w DA. If I didn’t do what they wanted in sex I would be ridiculed (and told I didn’t know what I was doing). Only now do I realize how I abandoned myself and how he didn’t respect my boundaries 😔 so detrimental. Thank you so much for making a video on this sensitive subject ❤️

[@DDD2323-z5i]

When you said the parent could do something traumatic then ask for a hug that really shocked me. That just happened to me recently. I was talking to my mother in the car in a parking lot about something typical. She suddenly got angry and started yelling and ran out of the parking lot. I didn’t know why or what happened so I just waited in the car for a while and eventually went into a nearby store. I was just sitting on the floor crying because I was so confused. I thought everything was fine until then. Then my mom comes in the store smiling and hugs me and starts talking about something else. This really messed with me for a while. I understand she’s dealing with a lot too, so I didn’t hold it against her specifically. It definitely added to my counter-dependency though, I now see. Dang.

[@hjo457]

This video is very informative thaks for sharing. I fear my partner will want to look for someone else, that has an easier attachment style. no matter how kind i am, or no matter how much effort i put in. having this attachment style often makes me feel so very alone. And like i will always be too much for people to handle. I left the family home at 17 without the ability to have boundaries or say no. I just want to say that whomever is out there strugling with relationships due to your unfortunate past. your not alone, and do not feel bad about yourself just because other people dont understand how you operate.

[@MultiFinlayson]

Very accessible presentation, generous too, backed up by a keen intelligence and incisive insight.

[@ilyatownsend2824]

It makes sense as to why I wanted a (unhealthy) polyamorous relationship. I wanted connection but not to be too intimate/still be distracted

[@jshaka3769]

What if this is the case but you still get jealous of your partner being with other ppl. Ppl can get too caught up in the attachment style shat hole..I thought at one point maybe i need to date somebody who is also fearful avoidant. And than my needs would be met. I was 10000% wrong. But I got exactly what I asked for. She told me she felt so happy and unique around me she wanted her cake and she wanted to eat it too. In other words she wanted me but didn’t want to commit to me , she didn’t want to be loyal to just me . she said she loved me but she didn’t necessarily want me. It broke me the exact way I broke everybody I been with.

[@lightofall]

Amazing youre aware of that. Many arent

[@ilyatownsend2824]

@@lightofall ✨💯

[@Hadetimes]

Great video! You mentioned that different types of child sexual abuse is linked to different behaviours with fearful avoidant attachment behaviours. I know this is a dark topic but it is something I would really like to learn more about. Do plan to do any videos on that or is there a way you can recommend to learn about that?

[@nanitamrakar1724]

Hi, Stumbled upon your reply. I am just starting to find out FA is a thing. It feels good to know its just not me. After coming from a traumatic childhood, still my life trauma hasnt left me alone but now i have a daighter and want to do good by her so i al trying to educate myself. Appreciate you talking about childhood sex abuse and its affect in creating a FA.

[@kiskadee321]

I’m not gonna get into my own experiences here both because I’m FA (lol) and because it’s the internet, but I really appreciate this video and the work you’re doing here. Thank you.

[@MandaB28]

Thank you. This was very eye opening. I understand myself a lot better now.

[@genericbotface]

I don't think I've ever felt more understood on this topic. Thank you

[@crow2047]

I'm the opposite of this I avoid relationships/sex at all costs because of the confusion I feel from it. I would rather suffer alone then put a partner through a horrid or confusing relationship

[@Lovedis4]

I’M SO GRATEFUL, I found this channel. You just described me to a T! I’m so thankful my therapist suggested I take the quiz that gave results and led me here. I’m DEFINITELY subscribing!!

[@domocrazy2lp]

As a fearful avoidant I don’t have more than 5 people in my body count in life as a 26 year old and I believe I’m more scared of having sex because I prefer to have an emotional connection with the person before having sex with them instead of just going anywhere with anybody

[@sjcooks3664]

This is exactly me. I was a virgin till I was 20 and even at that point I had to force myself to do it

[@taylorellis4336]

4:55 really resonates with me I have a lot going on my personal life so definitely been doing it like pleasure seeking just something to keep me from being so depressed. I have an ill mother so worrying about her definitely put a lot of stress on me

[@ericbuhne3488]

Ooof, this is pretty damn accurate. As a disorganized with BPD, so much if not all of this is true.

[@nessyv.3802]

This describes a lot of my life. It’s like I'm not able to fulfill those needs by myself and seek it outside of me, but that's short lasting. Also, when I did take breaks between relationships, was when I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, I was so hurt that I could not function.

[@mentalbreakdance1322]

*6:55* I got a flashback of my mom doing this and i started crying for some reason

[@jclyntoledo]

Me too! I didn't cry but it made me super sad because that is what my Mom would do, invade my boundaries and pretend like it was okay.

[@bri3449]

There should be stricter laws on who can reproduce and who cannot

[@dysmissme7343]

It's not for no reason love

[@suzannebrady6201]

You are the only person I have seen that has that beautiful name, besides my cousin ! Love it !

[@Kgoverstreet]

Great point. In my journey overcoming this and doing shadow work, I have found how we feel we have to earn our worthiness. You are worthy just for being alive!! 😊

[@marcelusdarcy]

i have a terrible fear of sex, almost a revulsion at the idea of it, but it's also due to being judged on my appearance and i'm terrified of that. Intimacy with sex is the same to me as emotional intimacy, even worse because of being naked and totally open to judgement, so i have to be in tune to the other persons needs, AND perform well and look good. I struggle with all of these separately so putting them all together...no thanks. I have had sex with 1 person and he's my current boyfriend of 6 years. I managed to have sex with other people with him (open relationship) but i was blind drunk and in a state of emotional numbness from a past trauma, so was able to. I am working through the trauma and my feelings are coming back and that innate fear of sexual intimacy has come back too. Brains are strange

[@aii1717]

Same, I often think about sex a lot and have fantasies about it But when it comes to doing it I just can’t see myself doing it, I feel sick to my stomach and try to diverge any kind of sexual tension. But then when they are gone and I’m not in that situation I start thinking about it again. I hate it..

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

Thanks for sharing with us. How are you doing now? Did this create feeling no sexual attraction as well?

[@vanessaquinones8226]

My father passed away mid May 2020. After his passing I shut down emotionally and began searching for immediate pleasure to mask the pain of his passing. I spoke to a friend n she said it was ok to grief, to cry, to be vulnerable but now I’m angry as I lacked affection, acceptance, attention and security from my father. Listening to this video on FA attachment spoke volumes and describes me to a ‘T’.

[@Youw16]

“They don’t want to really get in touch with their own feelings and needs.” Okay so how do you know my life? Lol. I don’t know if I’m this type of attachment style or not, but I would put money on it after this video.

[@josephvinson7348]

Just recently learned that I'm most likely dealing with this attachment style through counseling and learning about its. It's a little scary and tricky to approach sometimes, but you were so kind and thoughtful explaining it. Mines presenting pretty much exactly like you described. I also the insight. I think pinpointing this is going to help me know a lot better where to focus with a counselor. Thanks!

[@alexisbradford5111]

Thanks for sharing. Helped me to have clarity of where I was, where I am, and where I need some more healing ✨💚 sending Love and Light.

[@angelaknox]

Wow I've never heard this stuff before, kinda mindblown. Wasnt expecting it to hit so close to home.

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

I'm disorganized and my latest ex is definitely dismissive avoidant. Life likes to throw me challenges I guess. So fun.

[@thejuan113]

I feel the same way Carl. Im FA, ex is DA, and her live language is physical touch. Talk about confused...

[@cherisew]

Carl Freiermuth lmao at the “ So fun” that’s exactly how I feel. I feel hopeless I’m anxious and he’s avoidant and he asked me to marry him.andddd. Well, idk . I love him. And I want to... just “ so fun” 🤣

[@lionatticus9743]

I’m kind of the opposite because sex also feels vulnerable to me. But I have struggled with saying no or compliance as apart of my people pleasing.

[@shirleymontgomery7726]

Your school has so much to offer and this video really resonates with me.

[@shaunasea6072]

Spot on description from my experience although I've been at poles at differ times in my life, but the avoidance is always present.

[@Amelanin23]

I’m 21 and I’m identifying so much about myself in this video I’m crying my eyes out and I just want to be so angry at my parent but I can’t

[@vanesabarcenas3345]

Im definitely can identify as a fearful avoidant attachment. She pin pointed a lot if the behaviors I have. I was wondering why I would feel like I wanted to be close to my ex boyfriend and the back off. I do see my looks as a way to feel closer to my partner. Sex is definitely one of my tools as an attempt to feel closer. Their was times were I definitely did not want to have sex but I would force myself to have sex anyway. Not having many boundaries with sex n in my relationship. This was on point lol I am actively trying to become more secure . So this is a good start. Thank you. I’m so happy to not only learn these valuable pieces of information but to be able to piece it together ❤

[@sophielinder9764]

Thank you so much for this video. It's a lot more thorough and all-encompassing than the content I've seen/read so far on this attachment style. Can't wait to watch your other vids on it!

[@mejohn101]

Im fearful avoidant and had a father that insulted my body as a child and a mother that was quite shaming (former nun. Yay). I always assumed my fear of sex was for those reasons. But maybe they were only parts of a larger sequence. Oh the fun of self discovery...

[@danmccoshum2408]

Wow great video and so on the money Fearful avoidant here with anxious preoccupied ugh. Therapy therapy therapy

[@user-kg8uq9es3u]

The FA I’ve been seeing always withdraws for weeks after we hook up. We still hangout but its like we’re platonic. For awhile I thought I was doing something that turned her off, but it never made sense because she would always initiate the sex, wanting me really bad. And then after its like a big boom I can feel the withdraw almost instantly. I’m a secure so I havent complained or anything about it, but I’m thinking I should ask her next time it happens. What do you think?

[@theona3726]

I definitely am fearfully avoidant

[@TheHighwinder]

I'm an FA, and my parents were heavy-handed with flip-flopping between physical punishment and forced rebound acceptance/affection ("that spanking hurt me more than it hurt you, now give me a hug because I love you"). Too many sexual partners to count, none of them truly loving relationships (I've unwittingly attracted narcissists in my past, which ended up dumping gas on my dumpster fire). Only now am I getting all this figured out and healing in my 50s. Thankfully, I've met the love of my life and I want to be the best version of myself that I can be to get it right this time.

[@dorariggs3473]

Thank you for making this video. Lots of head nodding and tears. Thank you

[@Crissynxander]

Woooow... It's just so amazing how spot on this is...

[@LouveniaMusic]

Laughing at how relatable this is. I was hyper and now I suddenly have an aversion.

[@gabsoutsidethebox1010]

She’s the BEST I’ve seen in this topic. Amazing. Thank u🤍

[@eyeshadowlady]

Yeah that's absolutely me on the dot lol. The few people I have opened up to about this topic did not understand my response to these situations or dissociation or like, starting actual relationships based off these unwanted encounters, and this is the first real explanation or time I've felt seen on the subject.

[@AnaGfit23]

6:21. BINGO I actually guessed what you were gonna say before you said it and it was insane how almost word for word it was-I used “bypass” but still 🤷🏻‍♀️ Realized that a few years ago and after almost breaking up with my current loving boyfriend, and starting to do this work on myself, I am not as sexually overactive and don’t have as much of a drive that way. Still have it, but once I realized I used it as a way to connect to people and dip into the emotional and vulnerability side of myself without ACTUALLY doing that in the direct sense, I haven’t felt that intense pull anymore.

[@Trustedhands33]

You are so good at your job! Loving these videos, very enlightening!!

[@jessd956]

She’s awesome.

[@marotiem]

YESSS, YESSS! With each video of yours I am starting to understand myself. There are no words to describe how much a relief it means to me. Thank youuuuuuuuu!

[@davidwatermeyer5421]

Very interesting and thank you very much. I would just caution against the idea that there are these two types of people namely "fearful avoidants" and normal people. Though you do point this out of course. For me the big thing which hardly anyone gets, and even those who do very rarely so, is that we are all utterly unique and also utterly real. In other words we are both very different, and yet very similar. So much of our fear comes from imagining that others are completely different from us. So one has to kind of do a kind of mental kick sometimes not to dwell on stuff endlessly. One simply isn't going to work it out. One just has to take action. We are all without exception subjectively real. And the whole world is you .. and me .... and him....and she......and all beings..... and that's all there is!

[@helenahamina705]

I'm so happy i found this channel!!!!!! Thank you 💕

[@MrPerezOP]

Your microphone was backwards also you can only speak to the front not the top. just trying to help.

[@dragonfly1153]

ME all day long. Thanks for this video.

[@jesseskellington9427]

Pain from stress/cortisol hormone equals inflammation in the body's system that constricts the blood vessels. That stops the function of sleep, digestion, immune and sex body systems. This discomfort can be relieved by the hormones of oxytocin, endorphins, adrenaline, and/or nitric oxide.

[@andysmith5997]

If I looked like this I’d get ample practice to develop my attachment style. When you look like me you get the attachment style other people give you.