Dismissive Avoidants & Friends with Benefits | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

[@44zeliow]

The relationship with my DA was like friends with benefits. Without the benefits.

[@sandrae2319]

Lol! 😂

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

Lmao while crying hysterically😂😢

[@no1zzle3]

Omg!!!! Same with me. It is not a good feeling to constantly be rejected by the person who supposedly loves you. But yet, he can go have sex with someone else. 🤔

[@sandrae2319]

@@no1zzle3 Because there are no emotions :)

[@no1zzle3]

@@sandrae2319 there are emotions just not enough of them.

[@shannond8029]

Ask me anything about this dynamic and I will tell you to get out as soon as possible. I got trapped for 5 years with a DA and it was the most confusing, hurtful, mind-boggling relationship of my life. The kicker? I finally figured it out (Attachment styles) set my boundaries and he goasted me as if I never even existed. My heart was Shattered its been a year of NC and im still having a hard time dealing with the dumping of our "friendship" with nothing but silence. 💔

[@SK-no2pp]

I’m so sorry about the pain you experienced in the dynamic. I can definitely relate, because I spent the same amount of time in a situationship also. Once I learned about attachment styles, it was a total game changer for me. I healed my codependency and anxious attachment style. While it still hurts, at least things make sense now.

[@Zen4life-]

Shannon D I have a question? Did this 4 yr situation go in and out of NC and ghosting and then he would reach out periodically?

[@pinkandsavageofficial]

HORRIBLE SITUATION- how can i chat with you? Insta?

[@Mari-lv1rd]

Same here. I knew nothing about DA s and could not figure him out. I never knew what was going to happen and my anxiety reduced me to tears that I kept to myself. He we t from consuming attention to death cold abandonment. Sometimes I could feel his discomfort but often it started with little snide remarks. Independent till the end, I changed my number and address. So now I am alone, but sane, focused on my own life.

[@r.bishop1127]

Same. 2 years.

[@Emma-cl3cc]

I've just managed to have a healthy end to my 4 year(!) DA friends with benefits situation. Thais - I cannot thank you enough for your videos and guidance; genuinely would not have been able to walk away guilt and regret free, whilst respecting and asserting my own boundaries without hurting the other person or creating a mess behind me. Thank you thank you 💕

[@alanakasem1723]

4 years??? wow

[@HeyitsJade]

Mine was also 4 years ended today. Hell no to another year of this chaos

[@xylongevity]

100 reasons to stay alive : to have hugs that last more than a minute a smile from someone special melted chocolate ice cream on a hot day adventures with friends recovery stargazing watching a sunset laughing uncontrollably you’ve made it this far building forts eating fresh baked cookies bonfires and hoodies graduation pregnancy and new life finding a person you love late night adventures overcoming fears dancing in the rain walking through the countryside making friends with nature life is beautiful movie nights foot massages saturday mornings you have forever to be dead to be happy one day you’re beautiful you can make a huge difference on the world moving to a new place getting a pet new clothes at summer dancing without care picnics with friends long drives waking up late to prove them all wrong to love and be loved the ocean very loud music days out watching a concert/play reading your favourite book conversations that last all night to plan for the future to learn new things you are important christmas morning someday the pain will end warm baths the first snow of winter first kisses sand between your toes flowers in spring pyjamas after a hard, long day new bed sheets water balloon fights thrill of roller coasters meeting your favourite celebrities fireflies icecream days spent outside the sound of water visiting a place from childhood all the places you’ve never been music whilst driving to look back at all the shit you got through buying new clothes meeting internet friends in real life to succeed to work in the career you’ve always wanted baby laughter sleep a hot cup of tea rules to break to help someone smiling at strangers dreams the last day of school/work taking pictures brownies bubbles water slides going on holiday to fall asleep on someone to be protected to grow to make new memories to look back on old memories to laugh at childhood pictures sit with animals and nature to be loved by a pet swimming on a hot day the first signs of autumn to binge-watch a series to live independently to get somewhere in life to breathe to grow so that you can say that you’re alive

[@msharic85]

🤩

[@laurentlorenzo4843]

🏆

[@AD-hh6dd]

That’s beautiful

[@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry]

👍👍

[@hotamolly72]

This is beautiful and made me cry. Thank you for this blessing today that I didn't know I needed

[@Twighlight333]

As a FA myself I was caught up for a year and half! On friends with benefits with a DA… it was a rollercoaster of emotions… yes he was so talkative about himself but I noticed he would only talk about his past self (much safer) but recently as I confessed my feelings to him and showed vulnerability he started talking to me more about his current issues in life and opening up just a little bit more… however by then he had already broke my heart by making me feel unappreciated… more than once… the last time we were with each other it was so magical like that cute high school love all over again I never felt so close to him as I did that night and I know he felt something too because even after he got home we continued to txt for a bit longer till we fell asleep a few weeks go by and again he makes me feel unappreciated so BOOM I blocked him! No warning just did it…. Its been a month since I blocked him, longest I’ve ever gone without speaking to him… idk what is to come in the next few months but I’m just here watching your videos doing self work as a FA who wants to become a Secured attachment style.

[@LSGO90]

Blocking is such an FA thing to do LOL guilty as charged.

[@ItsAngieFly]

I was lovers with a DA for 19 years!!! A rollercoaster ride to NO WHERE! I just recently decided to HEAL.

[@joev7014]

How’s it going so far?

[@grrlinglasses]

Thank you! Attended my first live webinar last night at the PDS. Was fantastic experience hearing the questions and how they relate. Was happy to be part of the community. Not to mention funny, everyone was so great!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hope to see you at many more! -PDS team member

[@lizp2512]

Yayyy!!! Happy you were there and are here :) !!!

[@grrlinglasses]

@@lizp2512 Thanks Preston! Hopefully next time I can use my camera. My kitchen was a disaster from bring all my work stuff home. You were so friendly and awesome!

[@lizp2512]

@@grrlinglasses oh D! That really warms my heart! Thank you !!! I was having a dandy ole time. And lol on your kitchen - hey I get it now the home, the kitchen, the office, the school, it’s all one place :) look forward to meeting you on the next one face to face :)

[@Thisisrenae]

Girl you know your attachment styles so well. I was in a FWB relationship that then turned into a situation ship 😂😂🤣

[@gabazatiba5951]

What's the difference?

[@IronX77]

1:40

[@CuddleClaw.]

He told me we are “committed” to friendship … that feels like a big step for him to use that word. He also told me he loves me. We were apart for a few months. And he’s reached out to me a few times for help (I told him it’s okay to reach out for help). Sometimes it feels like that’s a way for him to test my dedication and love. He also has been extra kind and sensitive to me when I’m hurting, I can tell that he loves me very much. But, you’re right, if his fear is too big, then I need to have boundaries and not restart a sexual relationship until he is ready to provide me what I need. He told me the other day we could talk, but not about feelings or a few other topics and he reminded me about his boundaries (because I’m very emotionally expressive)… so I said “I’m being censored” and I could tell he hadn’t thought about my perspective before. I have worked really hard to get myself to the place where I’m allowing what he decides to do to be what he decides to do, and I’ll be his friend regardless. Because I love him so much. But to love myself, I must keep my boundaries. Thanks for the videos. They help a lot.

[@nothingnew765]

Is post-coital depression common with DA's?

[@leschmick]

Thanks!

[@TonyIgnatova]

That's me 😬 I would like to change that though, wish me luck!

[@sandrae2319]

Just wanted to say sorry to the particular member that shared their story and felt they had to delete it because i asked something personal. It was not my intention to invade your space, just wanted to share an experience as we usually do in comments section. My apologies, -S

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Excellent points! I've seen time and again people who are relatively at ease in these kinds of situations. Then there's the other person who thinks that surely this is temporary, surely this is a limbo that causes both of them anxiety, only to find out the hard way that in fact, they're alone in their suffering.

[@alanakasem1723]

i just ended the fwb situation with a DA...well at the end of the day, i realise all these are too tough...i will go and be a nun...

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

Would like to see videos on origins of each attachment style. I'm sure clients share childhood memories associated with formation of attachment style/core wounds. I don't mind to share what I can remember.

[@user-to6mz8xb8g]

Thais made these videos earlier on! They're on her channel :)

[@AliciaRosscom]

Can you make a video about anger or the feelings (guilt, resentment, etc.) of dealing with parental units they gave you these issues?

[@lovely_crys7234]

Recently we had a big blow up because being recently widowed myself he was the 1st person I had ever become vulnerable with and I was beginning to feel used as he would sit on the phone and talk about all these past relationships and women. It became to much. He finally told me there could never be an us because he would hurt whomever he get into a relationship with and he wasn’t willing to hurt me. I thanked him for this but it was to late as I had already given him my heart and I had been helping him to try and pass his Bar(financially). I really just want to leave, but I have always been this person that doesn’t leave people. I usually change them. He will say he feels a shift and he must lock it down. I may seem a bit crazy but most people I meet are part of my spiritual journey. That too is a reason I can’t leave. Don’t know if anyone will read this but it felt good to release. 😢

[@gutsandgrittv5076]

We shouldn’t only focus on the attachment style because attraction and no longer attracted always are factors as well.

[@shelly4012]

I got involved with a person who called it “casual exclusive “. Wasn’t sure what he meant at the time but figured it out; FWB. Just his way of trying to make it sound like it was more than it was.

[@madeofwar8781]

Same happened to me as a AA. Told ourselves to go with the flow but she would always remind me that she might change her mind. Fuck that.

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

You and your school have been a blessing in my life. I was guided to your channel, and it’s made me awaken on all levels. You’ve helped me so much, and I’m forever grateful! ♥️🙏🏻💫 Just a question...I’m confused about one thing...I took the attachment test in the school and I’m a FA leaning AA, and I know I can swing back and forth depending on the relationship. I also have a tendency to be completely avoidant - the DA traits also really personify me. This is where I’m left confused. Is it possible to swing between all three styles?

[@sergeigen1]

I am the same way, its one of the main characteristics of FA , thats why some ppl prefer the term "disorganized avoidant" instead of fearful , because one of the main traits is that we never formed an attachment strategy so we tend to swing back and fwd between being seekers and being runners

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

@@sergeigen1 makes sense! 💯‼️🙌🏻♥️

[@christycyr]

I wired my brain towards sex and orgasm in childhood as a self-soothing mechanism during constant chaos.

[@rainbow9987]

I think I was going to be in FWB with a DA. But I change because I am AA and I get easily attached.

[@dharmadharma3960]

That would have been a nightmare

[@jennibatallas2175]

You are brilliant!

[@mimiwills8610]

This was very helpful in helping me understand a past relationship. Thank you!

[@cristimarie496]

This video is what started happening to me and triggered the F outa me. No benefit but emotionally benefit

[@tj4787]

Thank you 😊 Appreciate you

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Again, this describes the DA to a T. They have elaborately constructed a life of activities protocols gadgets and boundaries where others are excluded except for occasional superficial emotional erotic connection. In the past a fling gave both the erotic emotional connection on the one hand with Freedom restored on Sunday afternoon. Everyone's a winner... or are they? I've been together now with my gal for for a year without physical intimacy. And this is fine because we want to to establish a solid respectful foundation getting to know the person upon which the relationship can grow and hopefully endure. We have both become followers of Jesus Christ and that in itself has brought about dramatic changes in or conduct towards one another. I love her oh so dearly and only want her to flourish. I'm in it for the long haul all and feel that I am now equipped 2 bring up the subject of DA in the confidence that she has the ability to be able to recognise it in herself and see the a better future is to be had. In Jesus name.

[@abbasgirl8153]

In Jesus's name, I pray.

[@henriksandbacka9442]

I'm DA and been in these sorts of situation many times. Ask me questions if you want.

[@covertneglect3503]

I'm DA too. Don't you think the single life feels so freeing? I was barely even dating an AP for like five weeks, and I felt like my sense of independence and freedom were being compromised. The worst thing was when her family members and friends were teasing us and commenting about us being such a cute "couple." I started noping out of there especially when the AP's mom was getting too involved in our dating life.

[@iloveTool]

Question for both, I can understand how AP neediness would push your attachment style away but does FA, secure, DA do the same thing? When there's no neediness - you still don't get attached to people?

[@laurentlorenzo4843]

@@covertneglect3503 if you’re already meeting her family in the 5 first weeks, yeah, I’d want to run too. Even meeting her friends in the first 5 weeks feels like it’s putting the pressure on. People seem so ready to jump into relationships - I wouldn’t be that quick to buy a house and yet the investment seems pretty similar to me, not to mention how absolutely nightmarish breakups can be. Why are people so quick commit 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Thanks Henrik. Split two months now with my DA gal after the best year ever (with sparks). I rebuked her and left for being treated badly but miss her fierce. Do you think she might miss me? She actually told me that she loved me but it was too late. As a DA yourself Might she still be thinking about me at all?

[@henriksandbacka9442]

@@andrewboyddotcom Hey man if she actually said she loved you she probably really did, the threshold is quite high for DA:s saying that. For me personally, and I think for a lot of other DA:s agree, attraction grows quite a bit when someone is unavailable. There's no longer any threat of too much intimacy if that makes sense. My gut feeling would be that she missed you and realized she messed up, but I have no idea o.f.c.

[@cristimarie496]

I wish I found this sooner. This is what happened and I never knew what it was. When a moment of conflict arises no talking boom stone wall boom. Trigger. Boom explosion and leave so fn fast. We jacked each other up

[@theodoretaf]

I have no clue what you’re talking about.

[@jillhodgson3221]

Yep Cristi, I know exactly what you described. Same thing I get.

[@cristimarie496]

@@jillhodgson3221 ❤️❤️

[@cristimarie496]

@@theodoretaf that’s a good thing! Lol. So keep learning about attachments so you never have to

[@theodoretaf]

@@cristimarie496 haha I’m trying. I’m actually an AA :P

[@mollysreadings4845]

I guess this channel is about understanding things better. But what about a boundary that you don't have sex outside a committed relationship? If sex outside of commitment isn't something you agree with or feel you can handle, it's not a good idea. What works for me (never tried this, friends with benefits makes zero sense to me.), may not work for you. Seems to me there are zero benefits for a woman in these scenarios. But I am old fashioned when it comes to dating possibly due to my relationship style. FA , yet can also be AA.

[@tigerlily6298]

I had a fwb for 2 years with a DA I didn’t love (as I was in love with another DA) my fwb DA gave me the type of warmth and cuddles I could only have dreamt about with the DA I was in love with. He brought so much I needed and yet before him I would have said I too couldn’t have had a fwb.

[@mollysreadings4845]

@@tigerlily6298 we all can change depending on circumstances and what is needed at the time. And depending on who we are interacting with. Thank you for sharing your experience. ♥️

[@tigerlily6298]

@@mollysreadings4845 Absolutely💕

[@komatsu8169]

@@tigerlily6298 so your FWB DA was not an extreme DA it seems.

[@tigerlily6298]

@@komatsu8169 To be honest I think it was because I put no pressure on him in the slightest so he was never triggered? Its the guy I’m in love with that is so hard to work out if FA or DA

[@cristimarie496]

How do I sign up? I took your quiz. 30 secure 20 anxious 25 dismissive 25 fearful I’m a mess and go to my 3 less strong ones in conflict. I wanna heal. I’m a time bomb 💣

[@r.bishop1127]

My DA was talking about living together and wanting to potentially get married to trying to down grade me to a FWB in a week! 2 year relationship on off Rollercoaster.

[@jlgotera1]

what is very ironic about that is that he would initiate talk about it going into more than that, however, i would say that we are not there yet and let's just take it slow. take time to get to know each other.. he would talk about how his cat was mine and he could move in with me, he would say it in a very low voice; acting like i didn't hear him, but i did.. I don't ever want to move into relationships and FWB is not a bad thing, as long as you are respected as a friend and getting your sexual needs over met.. I have exhaustively had this conversation with him, but he doesn't know how to be my friend while having sex with me.. Doesn't make sense.. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO...... ugh We were cool for a year and then valentines day 2019, it went downhill after that. it's just a serious mine field with the "science project", that is his nickname I gave him..

[@austinnguyen9107]

3:40 what to do if you are DA

[@pinkandsavageofficial]

DUMP THEM…….! You tried 1000X TIMES

[@HadashiMartialArts]

Yep same here. 😂

[@michaelblue6150]

I wish I was stuck in FWB!!!

[@kitti2345]

Why?

[@michaelblue6150]

@@kitti2345 A true friend that I can be intimate with sounds great. Sex and friendship with a female friend. Sounds pretty good to me

[@mollysreadings4845]

Hahaha I would guess more men than women would wish that.

[@laurentlorenzo4843]

My exact same response 😂

[@laurentlorenzo4843]

@@kitti2345 After death of a loved one, a divorce is rated as the second most painful experience in life. Breakups literally shatter people’s souls. I also wish FWB was more standard.

[@ItsAngieFly]

His “work” was hiding what he was doing…not actually changing.

[@ellej3112]

148 Finally the video started...