Dating A Fearful Avoidant - What You Need To Know! | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
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[@rrenee501]

Communication is critical--which is why giving a fearful avoidant the silent treatment is deadly to them.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Oh is that why they use it so often themselfs? 😂

[@Zawiedek]

It may seem so but it isn't. They often fall silent because they are numbed out. They want to speak but don't know how to say it. They need time to find the right words for their ambivalent feelings. They are silent not to hurt you but to not hurt you - which in turn can cause lots of misinterpretations etc etc. It's complicated 😅

[@suras8984]

@@Ytdeletesallmycomments As a fearful avoidant. My dad gave my mom the silent treatment and my mom gave me the silent treatment. To get back at my mom to show her how I felt I would do it back to her. It started to become a pattern in me that I didnt like. Because I was only doing it to show her what it was like but I didnt want that to become my natural response in life. Also in response to her giving me the silent treatment I would have to shut down my emotions to protect myself. I dont know about others but it could be a taught response as it could have been done to them.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Either way It is a sick bs way it is even worse than a narc because the avoidant feels something.. they claim... Mi arsch.. if you feel you dont behave like that. It is no rocket science. They know and do not care. Self pitty. I cant.. boohoo crap. They keep luring normal people in with false promisses. Don t date of you know you are broken to the core and will never.. because.. well you can t because of fear.

[@tulip5210]

Zawiedek what you and Renee say is true. For me if I don’t speak I’m overthinking, I want to make sure I don’t hurt their feelings in anyway, and need to process.

[@angelicaduarte2599]

"Every time you don't communicate your fears and insecurities you build walls. instead" 😦👌🏼

[@jasminecooper8610]

This!

[@jesshd27]

this is what i've been doing the whole time!! :( wish i know this earlier

[@williamdew6018]

Amen, concrete walls

[@Courtney-pn5lr]

I find myself afraid to scare them away by sharing my struggles and insecurities. Instead, I want to distance myself when I'm triggered and afraid.

[@lisabeaumont]

I dated a Fearful Avoidant (or Anxious Avoidant, as they're also known) for 7 months and it became absolutely fucking exhausting! I'm a very clear and open communicator, I don't lie, I'm transparent, I told him how I felt about him all the time, where I was, whom I spent time with, always replied to his messages and took is calls, and never did a single thing to make him distrust me but he would "collect information" (like mentioned in the video) and "assign meaning" that simply wasn't there and then blow up out of nowhere, dramatically break up with me, accusing me of being disloyal. When I calmly sat him down, opened up all my social media, emails, messages, WhatsApp and told him to please go ahead and read whatever he wanted as I have nothing to hide, he calmly told me, "No, I don't need to, I trust you. I know sometimes I make noise about all this, but it's not really a problem." I was like, WHAT?! I figured he must be a narcissist to behave like this, it was crazy-making, punishing me repeatedly for things I hadn't done, and expecting me to read his mind and accusing me of lying when I told him I had no idea what he wanted and that he should articulate his needs to me. He'd be distant and I'd ask what was wrong and he'd say it was that he had a lot to do so we'd talk about that, and then a few days later he'd tell me he'd made that up and he was really angry with me for something that I knew nothing about! He started doing the push-pull-push-pull-push-pull, saying how much he adored me and couldn't wait to marry me, and then breaking up with me out of nowhere, or being avoidant by offering only an hour of his time here and there, always blaming something he'd fabricated for why he couldn't spend proper time with me and negating my requests for us to spend quality time together with endless excuses as to why it wasn't possible - while at the same time telling me he was missing me terribly!!! He was unbelievably sensitive to anything that could be remotely perceived as criticism and, as I'm not one to sugar-coat things anyway (and I'm working on that - I'm not perfect but I never deserved any of his shoddy treatment of me) any requests I made to him were met with an iron wall. He would literally refuse to communicate with me for a week or sometimes even more. He simply did not give a shit how much he was hurting me. Everything was about him and his super-fragile ego and he had no desire to work on or talk things through, rather just brush them under the rug until the next time he'd whip the rug out from under me and leave me sitting there in pain on top of a pile of his crap. Had he been like this from the get-go I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him but, of course, like they all do, they start out exhibiting immaculate behaviour right until you're invested and then BAM, they behave like a nut-job and you're left wondering what the fuck happened to your dream man!

[@Th3Fab3]

girl. I feel you!! I feel your pain. It's exhausting.

[@Ksiuiu]

I am an FA and unfortunately I do express the same behaviors as your boyfriend. For me, it was never about the person but all about me because I did really really like some guys and had this behavior anyway. It is very painful for the FA too because you love this person but every small thing triggers you and makes you act upon the trigger. I have sabotaged many potential relationships which is so painful because I don’t want anything more than just to be in a safe and loving relationship but at the same time it’s the hardest thing ever for me. 💔

[@lisabeaumont]

Sk D are you working on that? If not, I strongly recommend signing up for a 1-month subscription with Personal Development School and get working on yourself. You can shift this, with the right tools.

[@Ksiuiu]

Lisa Cherry Beaumont working on it! I am a member of the psd 🤗

[@lisabeaumont]

Sk D excellent! Keep going, daily work! You’ve got this! You can absolutely do it! ❤️

[@moonmissy]

Wow, this is really my style.. I am a walking human lie detector because I can pick up subtle cues in tone, voice, body language and inconsistencies in behaviours and words. I thought it was a unique skill that I used for work, it turned out that it came from traumatic volatile abusive household. I had a anxious partner for 7 years because I felt needed that he clung to me while I cooled sometimes. I knew who he was and was reliable, but trust was always an issue and vulnerability was absent.

[@lotus1695]

Wow.. Tough stuff.

[@shunkela]

Thanks for sharing this. I had a similar experience dating an anxious partner and staying because I felt needed.

[@mikegetstuffed225]

This is SSOOO very helpful, and well explained/described. THANK YOU. I am an anxious attacher, recently in love with a fearful avoidant. She has had SSOOO much abuse and distrustful behavior towards her, which your description clearly outlined. Thank you so very much!!! I'm crying with love and understanding after hearing this. I want to make this work! We CAN heal. Blessings to all you brave people here, obviously working hard, and doing what you can to improve yourself! You can! You are!

[@SB-fk8fm]

I’m FA But I did the inner work and saw what a basket case I was and making up shit in my head. It’s the subconscious narratives stuck on a loop I’m not good enough. Im not lovable. They’re programs once cleared out you’ll be more of a DA lol. Also it is a super power you easily can connect to people subconscious minds. But right with all your progeamming it gets in the way and you don’t know how to trust yourself. Once you clear that and learn how to use your gift you’ll be psychic not some bumbling nervous ninny. It sincerely works so well. I haven’t felt this free in a long time and my need for relationships is gone. Now I’m I the position to wait for the right person and if it’s not right I’ll smell it a mile away and be able to say no thank you very easily and kindly. So don’t fret do the inner work you’re because what you have is indeed a gift but we never learned how to use it properly.

[@VanessaBakouche]

@@SB-fk8fm I have dated a FA and althought thought damn once they heal they will be a psychic. Amazing abilities. Just need self confidence :)

[@apprisedbeauty6783]

Communication is the hardest thing to cultivate with FAs and I feel relationships with someone who only investigates without divulging anything personal turns one sided and one directional real quick.

[@ham123456789100]

As a fearful avoidant. I know I do these behaviors. And to date someone it feels like a crazy roller coaster and when I’m by myself I feel SOO liberated, too liberated. I had this really nice guy. We did relationship stuff. But I wouldn’t date him if he asked. He fell in love with me. And I didn’t know my feelings. I was confused. I let him go. I started to miss him. Had him back but I felt “cold”. I told him I had to fix myself before I date someone. I could it hurt him. I was 60% sure there was such a strong reason why I couldn’t date. I’ve been single for so long and I dreamt for the love he wanted to give me. I felt like I didn’t deserve it and I felt sick. After my first the rapy session, I’m definitely fearful avoidant. I’m so detached from everyone and especially myself. It was eye opening. I feel hopeful for the first time..

[@stephelisabeth3143]

This has made my life so tremendously hard. I hope I can work through this someday.

[@lotus1695]

Why someday? Tomorrow might never come. Just because you're waiting for life to change it for you. It's never going to come and you would of missed out on life. Just saying...

[@_Colie]

@@lotus1695 pretty sure she didn't say life was going to magically change. She is working on herself, that is all she said.

[@yasedky]

@steph elisabeth Your comment was a year ago , can you share with us your progress !!

[@george1449]

Same here, 30 and never dated someone, even tough some women would give me signs that they like me but I was panicking and running. I always suffered the fear of judgement and questions. Insecurity is the worst dissease

[@redfullmoon]

I am a part secure part FA who did the "when you did this, I felt this..." with a DA and they either get defensive like I'm criticizing/blaming them or just dismissed it as if I had to deal with it, even if it was worded from my perspective and not theirs. Aware FAs, spare yourself the pain of dating with DAs.

[@verykimberly]

I'm a fearful-avoidant and the bit about assigning meaning to things deeply DEEPLY resonated with me and I don't even think I consciously realised it until hearing it out loud. After hearing it, I'm now reflecting and know that I do that by looking for patterns and creating a story around them, generally around a theme of me being rejected in some way. Once that story is solidified in my head as true, I then begin to push the other person away by becoming extremely critical and sabotaging the relationship. I struggle tremendously with communication, especially regarding my own needs / fears. It is so so tough to notice it whenever you're in the storm though, it's almost as if I am in a fog and can't think clearly or even have awareness of my actions. Thank you for bringing so much clarity to this topic, this is incredibly valuable in this healing experience.

[@AlohaAmie]

Kim Dupuis I relate to everything you said

[@nickoberidze5057]

The most frustrating part is the fog and inability to think clearly it's like trying to aim at a target, while surrounded by thick clouds.

[@ElGreco1541]

It's like you opened a window into my mind and described everything you saw inside my head

[@AB-rl6kd]

This describes me to a T!

[@nadiaventer3380]

Hi Kimberly, may I ask you a question, from someone with an anxious attachment?

[@damonpavlick1645]

You are bang on in describing the fearful avoidant. A lot of your videos I break out in tears because I'm overwhelmed that there is finally someone out there who understands me! Thank you for helping in the healing process. Keep it up

[@SteezyDollIsabel]

its so weird because I was thinking ugh why do I push people I love away and then i found your channel 🥺😭

[@canm7157]

happens me all the time and few weeks later they crawl back 😭

[@susannahwares1170]

I am so happy I am learning this but so genuinely heartbroken over the relationships I’ve destroyed over the last few years. I remember breaking up with my ex and feeling so helpless to communicate what was wrong and just knowing I needed to get out because it was unhealthy. I know you shouldn’t live in the past but damn. 😭

[@Eeeeeeelllll]

Good lord that's relatable. I feel you.

[@StefTechSurfer]

Omg, I'm going through a breakup with my gf ATM. She was so loyal but I still was so afraid for her closeness. We haven't been together for 3 days now.

[@Blasianpower2]

I personally feel anyone who wants to date should learn this

[@ZakBurrell]

My partner was like this, 18 months together best woman IV ever met was so in love and she kept pushing me away when we got close. She use to say all the nicest things we had a great relationship. I'm so cut up loosing her

[@michaelgriffiths8068]

@@ZakBurrell- same for me. Exactly this 😞

[@abbypierce4196]

As someone with this attachment style - thank you. I have yet to watch a video that has encapsulated my feelings so precisely. It's truly exhausting to work through but I know there is hope for all of us

[@tine8024]

Yes, this is a big problem! We hate incongruency but we ourselves are also so incongruent!

[@dsoul1305]

There is a phrase my FA/DA asks me all the time while we are away from each other. It's "What you are doing?". Always with audio, because he wants me to respond in audio as well, so he can pick up my tone of voice. Never thought much of this beyond some curiosity/semi-controlling tendencies. Now I know. He is lucky that I'm a talker.

[@kgmfencing9835]

I've learnt my ex is a fearful avoidant. All stems from unresolved child trauma. So sad. At least I now have answers as to how and why she acted like she did. Thanks thais. Given me such great insight into this. I hope we can rekindle one day but if not then I will make sure I don't date an FA ever again.

[@christineris9544]

my parents got divorced, mom was blaiming dad, dad was blaiming mom. they also both blame me. however, out of the blue they come and hug me and tell me they love me. and then they blame me again and call me names. and then again ask me what's wrong and try to connect, before they laah out on me like normally. and i'm just done with everyone.

[@iz7975]

Same! You’re not alone. I really wish you the best.

[@Captinkent2337]

Same

[@morehn]

Why be done? They're a little crazy, but everything you can do in life that makes you fulfilled is only because they made you.

[@petereames3041]

Yeah this is me.

[@DaveE99]

FYI, fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied are the most common attatchment patterns in adhd which is also becoming known as “developmental trauma disorder”. Look up the body keeps the score. And the book “Anna age 8, the data driven process to the prevention of childhood trauma and maltreatment”.

[@shinebabyshine.]

David Esposito Thank you! I have both ADHD and am fearful avoidant. Will look up those resources

[@taorefentse9514]

Thanks for the recommendation I'll be checking both those books out.

[@caitm8209]

O RLY

[@christinecallanan337]

I'm an AP and my ex was FA and our breakup process was traumatic for both of us and took about as long as our relationship lasted.. Honestly we were both nearly 10 years of separation before either of us could have another relationship.. This work is so helpful! If only i'd known about it earlier. But I'm using it now and it's helping me see that my judgments of my partner have been rooted in my inability to feel safe.

[@paigec5017]

🙋🏼‍♀️ I'm one! I'll check out the recommendations!

[@lotus1695]

This is me... I'm the fearful /anxious Attachment style. So spot on. I'm so so sensitive and would blow up quickly because I was so scared I was going to be dumped/felt I wasn't good enough. All coming from my difficulties in trusting that he really loves me. I'd always question? Ask why he loves me? Need validation always. Now I understand myself so much more. Know that when the fear comes up that I need to breath through it and say, "I'm OK!" "Everything is going to be OK!" Thank you sooooo much for your wonderful work. ❤️

[@kjohnsonshelton0923]

Lotus it's as if you just extended Thais' description of me- I fit FA description- and exactly how I've felt for the past few years! I've only recently learned about both dismissive and fearful avoidants- my bf fits the DA description- now I know why he and I have been so volatile. Wow... very eye opening. I hope the best for you!

[@lotus1695]

@@kjohnsonshelton0923 glad you've found some piece of mind. It's a relief, isn't it? I'm doing really good. I wish you well along your path of re-discovery. ✌🌹

[@yasmem8]

Omg same!

[@thatsso_imani]

ALL FACTS!!! This is so disheartening and difficult to get through…I’m praying one day I am able to trust someone enough to let my guard down! 🙏🏽

[@jenaya_laila2442]

I don't think I'll ever get over it..

[@taylortate8014]

I pray you do too and that your healing journey is going well ❤

[@shortfusedynamite5166]

​@@jenaya_laila2442The only way you will is by finding a person who gives it to you passionately and consistently and then trusting them. Otherwise you're going to be forever alone because that's what you're asking for. Trust, risk getting hurt, even if it catapults you into a depression, because that's what these fearful avoidant tactics do to people who mean the best for them. It's not fair. Try therapy please.

[@busyazn]

Thank you for this! 8:00 examples of blowing up over small things. It’s not the thing they’re blowing up about but about the several things that happened before which they couldn’t talk about. 9:10 FA are gathering info that this relationship is not congruent, can’t be trusted, 10:00 lying shows them you can’t be trusted 11:25 they must learn to communicate 12:20 the more vulnerable you are, 14:00 respect boundaries 14:30 whenever we criticize, there was a wish/need behind it. "I feel more supported if you can ..." instead of saying " Hey, what's wrong with you? You didn't...." When we're criticized, then we shut down. Walls of resentment will form. 19:45 communicate your vulnerabilities

[@hansmdinkermaniiv1665]

Can you make a video on fearful avoidants vs dismissive avoidants? They are often lumped together but they are actually very different in regards to why they avoid

[@sshuteandrew]

ben bieber Many overlapping behaviors but DA are high avoidance and low anxiety, whereas FA has high avoidance and anxiety. I’ve read they attract different partners as well, but avoidants in general attract other insecures.

[@sshuteandrew]

Thais Gibson 🙂

[@lotus1695]

@@sshuteandrew yees so true. I'm the fearful attracted the dismissive 3x and now I check it. That it's my issues. I'm so glad and blessed for these men who have helped to learn and understand my patterns. Next man can come. I'm ready!! ❤️

[@t-man5196]

Wow these sound like some extremely complex/deep people, some of the descriptions you gave also paint them as being particularly humble, caring, communicative and compassionate people, probably more than any of the other attachment styles (at least from what I’ve read/heard, which admittedly, is a fairly limited amount).

[@coreygeiger81]

Unfortunately, the darker qualities makes it not worth it.

[@akillaco5571]

@@coreygeiger81 I don’t think that’s fair. But also I don’t know your experience! But trust me when I say having this attachment style is not fun at all. And it’s like duh that’s obvious. It’s an extreme struggle. Please be patient if you know anyone like this it don’t even have to be a romantic partner. Of course not at the expense of your own well being. Blessings 💚🤝

[@rayf5360]

An excellent and valuable video. Because of its ambivalent nature the fearful-avoidant attachment style can be an emotional minefield and very difficult to navigate for both the FA person and the partner. As someone who knows a few FA's intimately I can speak from experience. I have a small remark though: incongruence in patterns can be a trigger for distrust and loss of connection (thus also possibly leading to separation anxiety), and I wholeheartedly agree on that. However, it is significant to mention that depending on the amount of anxiety involved, a tendency towards negative interpretation/association and the presence of hyper-attunement the FA person can be prone to a degree of perceptual reality distortion: incongruence can therefore be "perceived incongruence" and so called "signs" might just be overly magnified and/or contextually displaced. Care must be taken to avoid "jumping the gun" by assuming every perceived incongruence is proven fact. Signs can be misinterpreted, especially with a frame of reference influenced by (onresolved) trauma. Not everything is as it seems at first glance, not even to somenone who is calm and views things with and unbiased mind.

[@CatsInTheFridge]

I got shocked when you said parents decided to divorce and then not, in a repeated cycle. I remember my mom crying and asking for divorce because she is not happy. Then, kept asking me who will I choose once they divorce. This goes for a few times. Other siblings were much older than I was, I'm 7 or 8 at the time. I'm felt confused but at the same time, had mixed feeling of sadness because of the divorce and happy because I can make decisions like an adult. I'm honestly crying listening to your videos. Everything explains what I've been through. All this time, I've been asking myself why I can't be normal and telling myself it's all my fault for being a coward. Never knew it would be attached to such events and hardest part is telling myself I'm not the cause of it. Thank you Thais, I really appreciate your shared knowledge.

[@ilovelearning6529]

I’m glad to learn about AF. I now have more compassion and empathy toward my ex. Most importantly, I understand the breakup is not my fault and sooth out my anger toward him (thought he antagonized me on purpose). I’m a secure style, heal from DA

[@TheKittieMeowMeow]

I am a fearful avoidant. I always knew but since I got with my new partner I’ve really learned more. We had a conversation yesterday where I told them, how leaving me alone makes me feel, and explaining what happened when I was small for them to understand why I act the way I do. I’m honestly a FA that loves to be close. I try to be super close, but I feel if the others can’t be as honest with me, it makes me push back/ away. Most of the times it’s just assumptions I make, that are the reasons we have disagreements. I do want to be close! And they feel sad with me, learning why I feel the way I do. The part about being late- literally is me! Making assumptions. Some people may find us “needy” or “clingy” or “obsessed”. I am still learning how to share how I feel, I just hate feeling like I’m not understood. I love your videos! Thank you for doing the work you do

[@rushiacampbell9380]

I became fearful from being with a narcissistic not by my care givers .

[@robbbbbbb1]

This seems to be another major source--trauma from previous abusive/narcissistic relationships.

[@helenrowley3979]

Exactly the same! I was with mine for 13 years. Its impacted massively on all my relationships since.

[@zoeperryman5354]

Same here my last relationship was with a narc and I am still finding it hard to trust people 3 years later.

[@kathrina.109]

same here :/. i broke up with him 7 years ago, but i still struggle and i'm so scared that i will never be able to experience a loving healthy relationship, because i always push men away.

[@TheVEPrice]

How, as a fearful avoidant, do you tell the difference between our triggers being activated and our intuition showing us what's going on? People will lie so I want to know how I can resolve things within myself.

[@displadcitygirl]

Al Grant I is p

[@inkerikavantera]

Intuition works only with a calm and balanced mindset.

[@dorakoteles8576]

I guess unless you're Yoda, you would not able to tell the difference. So, a good point.

[@SwingStateStories]

Intuition I feel in my heart, in the center of my body. Triggered fear I feel in my head, kind of like slicing blades. For me at least, there is a real differentiation, and I am no always great at noticing the difference.

[@salvomig2368]

You tell your partner what it is that bothering you. Let them know when they do X, it makes you feel this way. Then see how they react. If defensive and not understanding or understanding and try to be better. There’s your answer.

[@tiaturnbullchampionscoachi9587]

"We're suffering as if this is a reality." So true.

[@taorefentse9514]

Thank you so much for sharing this infomation. I am highly triggered while watching and am actually in tears as this describes my expirience totally. I suffer alot in scilence and sometimes I just don't know what to do. I am in a loving relationship and I truly do not want my traumatic past to ruin my current relationship-- hence the deep and almost obsessive internal work-- also, I belive this to be the healthiest thing I've had regarding relationships in my life thus far . I am finding out all I can about this attachment style because the internal "self harm" just seems to be getting worse and worse and I don't know how to stop it or even cope with it. Even tho we create these expiriences and give things meaning in our minds, we still suffer and feel the pain as if it is real. I will continue to watch all your videos and I thank you so much for providing healing to those who have been deeply traumatized in the past.

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Tao Refentse can you tell me if you are in a relationship with a secure attached person?

[@thesetruths1404]

Hands down you provide the most clear and helpful information about the attachment styles I've found. It's uncanny how your explanations are usually spot-on. Thank you. You are very talented at this...I hope you know how much you must be helping people that find your couseling and coaching.

[@PsychedPerspective]

Yes!!!!! I can’t stand liars and inconsistency also I can’t stand folx who are always late....so many little things that AGITATE/trigger me. Thankfully I’m in therapy but omg ....shits intense.

[@garytravers117]

@PshchedPerspective my FA lied, always showed up late and very inconsistent. If I said anything about it she would shut down. So I cannot relate to what you are saying at all.

[@edithhsedits226]

Yesss!!! Soo draining! Can relate.

[@mollysreadings4845]

Liars drive me nuts. I can definitely relate to the intense anxiety caused by a pattern of lateness. I like the hypersensitivity though that comes with being FA. I'm going to get rid of the last of these FA tendencies though. Very difficult attachment style to have.

[@Gomba13]

Based on everything Thais says in this video, I highly recommend FAs to do mentalization-based therapy (MBT). It is a form of therapy where you learn not to overreact to what someone else is doing, not to hypothesize, not to make up catastrophe scenarios in your head, not to jump to conclusions. In this form of therapy, you also learn how to communicate, not just with the other person but also with yourself, how to get to the root of what exactly you are feeling and why, so that you are able to separate past trauma from current events in your life, so that you know your triggers and why you have them, but also so that instead of avoiding the triggers you learn to be aware when you are triggered and be aware that what you are feeling is associated with remnants of past experiences and not the direct effect of what is going on right now. In a sense, you learn to choose the way you feel, you learn to self-soothe and to reframe your current experience so that you can overcome being triggered. I have done this therapy, and I found it extremely useful. I believe that one reason why I am able to choose not to get offended when my FA seems triggered and acts in unproductive ways, why I don't jump to conclusions about his behaviour and why I am able not to take things personal is because I have done this therapy. I have found in it a sense of awareness that I didn't have before.

[@komatsu8169]

Don't you have videos or books that speak about this type of therapy? I especially hate jumping into conclusions and believing that people are lying.

[@100Hasake]

One of your recommendations is to express your fears and insecurities with regards to what your partner does. How do you stop those expressions from making your partner feel like she's stepping on egg-shells every time she does ANything?

[@Meli-ul9zt]

Yes this omg!!!!!

[@kaiho4832]

my interpretation of is that, expressing the fears and insecurities isn't to alert your partner to change their behavior necessarily, but simply to express the discomfort and they can address/soothe the issue through validation (it's usually an incorrect perspective that the fearful attachment person is experiencing due to their trauma)

[@Helena-dw1zc]

Yes, as I briefly dated an FA (he is unaware and so I won't label but all signs/symptoms shared in many FA videos point me to FA), he began to interrogate me about trust often. Then would ask if I was going to change? Asking me why I won't change to show him he can trust me.. I felt so much like I was walking on eggshells, I bought the book "Walking on Eggshells" and maybe he is borderline, I have no clue. All I know is he was constantly being triggered by me. And, I have dated many men and none acted nor said the things he said nor demanded. Finally, he deactivated and 7 weeks after no contact started the same loop. I had to tell him I wish him well because he would not stop berating me. I've read Anja above, and I can give compassion to him as he experienced all those things, but I cannot do the work. Only he can.. and I stated in our conversations and emails, how I accept him. I feel that's the only thing any of us can hope for.

[@morehn]

It depends how you express your thoughts. Positions vs. thoughts and feelings. You can say you found something he did really offensive or you can say he really hurt your feelings when he said... One is you vs me, the other is opening up and inviting him to work together with you to solve this.

[@clv603]

By not attacking them with your words. Attach emotion to your expression. These are communication skills. Consider this, you're upset with your partner for doing something like... Not inviting you to help cook dinner. Approach 1: Why didn't you invite me to cook dinner with you? -No emotion attached to this question. It also implies fault and an expectation. Don't do this Approach 2: I don't like that you didn't include me to help cook dinner, normal couples don't do that. -No emotion attached to this statement. It's also criticizing. Don't do this Approach 3: It's probably nothing, but I'm a little upset when you didn't ask me to cook dinner with you. It makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me, and I really enjoy cooking with you. -Emotion is attached to the concern. You provide how you feel, and it doesn't assign fault. It allows the listener to realize that activity is important to you. Do this.

[@NicoleLam]

Sorry to all FAs in advance i'm sure you're all lovely people but damn one thing that bothered me SO MUCH while dating an FA was that he acted like he knew me better than I knew me sometimes. No one knows me better than me. It just felt disrespectful and you're always caught off guard when they describe how you act in situations like they wrote about a character in a book, and its like.. just because I said something once doesn't mean I can't and/or won't change my mind. Please try not to assume you know someone inside out with your own observations and assumptions.

[@ham123456789100]

I understand what you mean. It’s the hyper vigilance. We notice every single thing. Even if we don’t want or aren’t actively trying. Me myself I have thought that I knew people because of me over analyze a person and forming conclusions based on MY experience. Not the actual individual. I’m sorry you felt you were disrespected, because I would feel the same. it is hard for FA’s that don’t know that, that behavior isn’t normal..It’s like a subconscious survival technique at that point. That was me. I thought I knew everyone. But I don’t even know myself. I know the behavior is not normal and I’m trying to work through it. It isn’t you && you know that. Sorry for the long comment.

[@coreygeiger81]

It’s just seems best to not date them, to be honest.

[@maehavoc1680]

This is why communication is so important. It’s a two way street

[@LSGO90]

I apologize on behalf of all my fellow FAs.

[@NicoleLam]

@@ham123456789100 Thank you for saying this! I am in a much better place and definitely wrote that comment when I still felt quite wounded. FAs have a lot to offer and hypervigilance has both good and bad sides for sure.

[@Yzandros666]

Really helpful. Hope that one day I'll be able to love myself and someone.

[@stevec8872]

I know this is an old video. But thank you so so much. I'm an anxious dating a fearful. I've literally never communicated so much and so deeply with so much vulnerability before this relationship. You really helped me understand her a lot. And it's nice to know that I'm doing all of the right things with this. We are both healing through this and working on our attachment styles. It feels so good. Thanks again.

[@extrapolate]

This is so sweet. Hope I can say this about my next relationship

[@meo1960]

Having just been ghosted by one, I've learned my lesson. I'm sorry they've been hurt so deeply but if I see this style again, I'm gonna have to let them go, which, strangely enough, is what they demonstrate that they want anyway. Too much trouble to try to help these people, especially when they don't think they have a problem in the first place.

[@Memory8779]

Run!!

[@jenniferl5456]

I do this as a mix of anxious/fearful. My mind automatically feels like they are out cheating or meeting up with someone else and its sabotaging bcause I get so stuck on that because Ive been cheated on. Its scary.

[@yattab4590]

I’m the exact same way!! 😬

[@melodyd5600]

I wish I'd discovered your videos 3 months to a year ago. Thank you for creating them, they've helped me tremendously after being in a relationship with an FA. I miss him so deeply and I wish I'd been more compassionate when he pushed me away.

[@melodyd5600]

@Billy B he came back 3 months later only to breadcrumb and dangle a "getting back together conversation" only to then ghost me 2 months later and I haven't heard from him since... it's been over a year

[@harrisonpacker9805]

I exhibit a lot of fearful-avoidant traits, but I didn't grow up in an abusive household, however I was very much a victim of bullying and ostracism from my peer group in my youth and wonder if it is consistent to have developed a fearful-avoidant attachment style through this kind of experience rather than an unstable home life?

[@baebae0085]

Definitely

[@WestieKatie]

Same

[@girlstuffadvicehelps]

Yea, I had issues with bullying as a kid. I also had horrible friendships growing up causing me to have this attachment styles. Trauma can be very heavy like any sort of abuse but it can also be bullying, friendship breakups, etc.

[@veronicafior2714]

Attachment styles are developed from your first care giver in your life . Doesn’t have to be traumatic or abuse to have an insecure attachment style, if your needs were not met consistently & a baby didn’t have their needs meet by caregiver , had to depend on themself . Learned not to trust others ….

[@mathews0618]

Set boundaries if you decide to date one. Understand that there will be no attunement for your needs and you will have to communicate, repeatedly, what you need. You will have to fight for validation of your feelings. They live in a fantasy world created by fear. In their minds you did those things to them. If they dream you cheated, you cheated. Expect resentment and spite from them. Everything is about them 24/7. You will feel like things are good and then out of nowhere you will be abused by them. They cycle pretty consistently.

[@hanmanteomkar]

Damn this is so accurate. Specially the dream and resentment part . Are you me?!

[@teezo2917]

Accurate

[@taft7877]

Thais, your videos are so helpful to all of us out here looking for answers and wanting to improve our lives.

[@JetDriver1111]

Great video Thais.....I'm going through hell over here dealing with an avoidant.....What a nightmare...BUT I am gathering info and now it is all clear and I am healing and getting back to me...I feel like I have been going insane...These videos help a lot !!! Thank you !!

[@lotus1695]

Man oh man. Painful stuff. I know. Know your personal development is growing through this person. That's a gift. 💖💪🏻💖

[@StripesEmpire]

dude, literally the worst....

[@yasedky]

What's the update @jetdriver1111

[@elizabethsmith4763]

This is amazingly helpful!!! You are so gifted in your research and description of attachment styles! My deepest gratitude!

[@sophiadavenport3959]

The toxic relationship I have with my mother has made me develop fearful avoidant attachment style in romantic relationships.

[@jelanix1013]

Same it's so annoying n it affects everything but shows more in relationship

[@sophiadavenport3959]

@@jelanix1013 This is so annoying you want love but you're scared to experience it.🤦🏼

[@jelanix1013]

@@sophiadavenport3959 im in this situation right now i have the the man of my dreams n this get in the way

[@jelanix1013]

@@sophiadavenport3959 i want to go in so bad bit either body fear ( anxiety ) just either paralyze me or my mind just go negative n I lack faith, the real solution is faith n confidence and intuition

The way you wrote "...I have with my..." concerns me, it sounds like you are taking responsibility for how the relationship is. "The toxic relationship my mother has been having with me" might be more true... Anyway, I'm glad you see the cause-and-effect. Best wishes for more healing and an ever more enjoyable life!

[@cathyg8313]

This was EPIC! I think this describes a lot of my traits. Trying hard to be more self aware of triggers from my past so I can work on reprogramming & real improvement. Thank you!

[@hotasevermehn2]

Omg are you inside my head? I'm so glad I followed you on instagram. You've made my week.

[@insighterstalk9381]

I absolutely love your videos... They have given me so much insight into my own attachment, those of other around me, and most importantly, have helped explained some of my behaviors when interacting in an intimate relationship

[@hotasevermehn2]

This is what love at first therapeutic video must be like. Gosh. Thank you so much

[@madisondavide8326]

thank you so much for this video. i have this attachment style and your knowledge and information is much appreciated ❤️

[@MovieReviewJustin]

I think you have the most almost supernatural intuition and articulation about this. It’s amazing. I was into a lot of dating coaches and some of them are pretty good and pretty healthy but I feel you have the most remarkable insight and most humanity about this. It’s amazing.

[@mariahroskelley8661]

I just recently recognized I have this attach style, this video was really helpful thank you so much

[@purplemoose6431]

You are spot on with your assessment.

[@janellejoy8243]

I wonder how many people have been misdiagnosed as for eg: bipolar or BPD where it was just very heightened reactions of FA attachment insecurity , like the hypervigilence to be assessed as paranoia or the hot/cold seen as manic/depressive? Just a thought...

[@kubawarzecha1770]

Roots of "usual" avoidancy and cluster B tendencies are the same. So...

[@thomasgallegos2832]

Now I understand it all. I've watched so many but this made it all clear !!

[@christineciaccio4922]

Thank you do much Thais! I am learning so much from you, more so than the therapists I l’ve seen. This one really hit home for me and I plan to listen to it weekly until I can heal. Thank you again for your helpful contribution to the world. ❤️

[@kathrynbrown1572]

So appreciate you! Thank you for all the clear examples. Learning so much, and feeling uplifted with these new skills to practice. Hearing the dialogue to use is so helpful! Sometimes the fear builds up and it’s hard to know what to say!

[@freedomtownn]

I'll never be able to explain how helpful you are. This video described my to the depths of my soul and I'm still shocked about it. How could you be so accurate, this is liberating that I could change all this and I don't have to live in suffering all the time. Thanks again, very much so.

[@Honeybee-qc4np]

Thank you! I’m learning so much from you. I always thought I was anxious but now the guy I’m with is an AA now I think for sure I’m an FA leaning more avoidant. It’s so hard I shut down even when I don’t want to. But now I’m learning to speak up not always right away but once I do I feel better. It does still take me time to get over whatever upset me though but I really appreciate your videos.

[@jaclynh9343]

This video is so powerful. I can so relate to this and it makes me soooo very sad. I have said this too many times, feel conflicted. I hunger for connection but also fear it too. When I have opened up to certain types of people I have been shut down so I have learned that relationships are not a safe place to speak my truth. I have severe anxiety. I want to start a business which would involve me developing relationships with people but I am afraid of getting hurt. I feel so hopeless. Thank you for sharing this.

[@sabsjustwannahavefun509]

This is me 100% !!! Many thanks ! Currently dating a dismissive avoidant, it's pretty interesting

[@elizabethmcelwee7828]

I am so glad I found this channel. Discovered I am this attachment style. My relationship history has been turbulent to say the least. I am in CoDa recovery and been in therapy since end of 2017. This is just another layer of healing I gotta work through. Thank you so much!

[@lotus1695]

You're not alone. I'm one too

[@gustavoescorcio]

Thank you very much for this video! I'm sure this has helped MANY people like me. Much love!

[@krisannekey3218]

I'm just curious how the video relates to a fearful avoidant actually dating players and dating people that you try to be vulnerable with and talk to abour concerns but they refuse to communicate?

[@MorenitaBonita19]

I have this attachment style and this is so powerful..wow..

[@adrianatuscia707]

I have watched a lot of Thais clips on this attachment style and want to send one to my partner to help understand me even though he doesn’t want to change...urghhh this is one of the BEST one to describe the FA attachment style ..your so awesome Thais you help us so much! THANK YOU xxxx

[@blakechusin3995]

Learning and communicating is what I am trying to figure out. Personal Development School is helping me to achieve this.

[@florencefiancee]

What an amazing insight, thank you very much!

[@christinewanjiru8158]

I really glad I come across this channel.

[@taorefentse9514]

Finnaly I understand why I feel the way I feel!!

[@brighteyes4558]

Wow! Yes! Agreed! Thank you. I feel understood. Giving me a educated understanding. Thank you. I can work on me more. 💛🙏

[@mlong506]

This video just blew me away. I had no idea this was me until tonight. This is so me. I'm in shock.

[@jonsullivan9208]

That was a really useful video...so much in there for me to work on..thank you.

[@C53Maximoff]

pure gold!

[@andrewkowalski3976]

I love the bit about reading body language and micro expressions. I’m also an ESFJ in the Myers Briggs test and one of their greatest strengths is in reading people.

[@ivia_ol8356]

That's ENFP not ESFJ.

[@rubybe9672]

This has been the best video of yours and the most helpful I have watched so far thank you

[@audreyshakara6928]

WOW SHE HAS GROWN SO MUCH MAJOR TB for all the people who’ve been w/ THAÏS since the jump!

[@Ms_Thabi]

Thank you so much for this content, ever so grateful!

[@tpw3422]

you are amazinggg, thank you. please keep doing this❤

[@brittanydarby2824]

Thank you so much for these videos!!!

[@sheiadvincula]

Thank you, Thais! Your videos have helped me a lot. :)

[@jessmosely6839]

Holy crap. You've just described me. I havnt found this level of specific accuracy before 👍 💔

[@lotus1695]

No replace the 💔 with a 💓. You're healing just like me. 💃

[@robbbbbbb1]

Big question, and please don't take it the wrong way! Do you think this means you have personal issues that you need to work through? Or do you think it is more likely that you need to find a more compatible partner who supports/complements/fits in with the Fearful Avoidant style?

[@smartiewill9526]

@@robbbbbbb1 I’m sorry for the analogy, but that’s like asking “do you think an alcoholic has deep personal issues that he needs to resolve or should he just find a partner more compatible with alcoholism”. I’m not saying that being an FA is the same as alcoholism. What I mean is that they’re both unhealthy conditions and both need healing, not a partner compatible with abuse.

[@AmariaSweetMusic]

We both have fearful avoidant style . . . Thank you so much for this awesome video

[@JohannaHunt]

Girl this is SPOT ON!!!

[@lush1276]

I came across this as i briefly dated a man that confided In me his grief and sexual abuse as a young child. He would get close then back away. reassuring him did nothing. He simply twisted all his insecurities back on to me. We split and after 3 months he reappeared again. But couldn't keep his word even tho he told me he loved me. He constantly let me down. Yet held me close and cried about his life. I fell in love with him but he just disappeared again. Leaving me numb. He told me to be patient. But walking in and out someone's life isnt right. Its been a week now and no contact. 😢 I told him he needs to work on himself rather then on others. He just left me feeling numb.. I did everything and it still wasn't enough..

[@irrittt]

As someone who's an FA; its not that you didn't do enough. It's never that. FA's find it very hard to find a balance with any partner so giving them a lot of love and understanding can do the opposite effect - and just push them away further. You're right about him needing to work on himself, you shouldn't suppress your own needs for him. Protect your heart & your mental health. Edit: reading your comment again, he is super irresponsible playing with your feelings like that especially if he's a grown man. If being involved w him hurts your nervous system, go cold and drop him. Life is short

[@darlenemontgomery9337]

Thank you. This describes my experience very well.

[@Generation3k]

You are definitely speaking to a real space that is not often talked about. Very non judgemental

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

You are so on point with descriptions. Thank you for giving me a word for my experience! Incongruencies. I knew I'm hypervigilant and give things meaning. I just didnt know how to communicate so specifically. I wish the DA could see that as much as the DA needs space, the FA has a need for communication, transparency, explaining, vulnerability for clarity. So what I wonder is if these two styles are just incompatible. It can seem hopeless when the DA stone walls after FA lashes out then wants to communicate. How do they meet in the middle when they seem to be on opposite ends of spectrum. But not really, because FA is both. I did push away too.

[@andrealord1325]

Everything said is so on point.

[@popcorn43]

Has anyone overcome this? Gone from fearful avoident to develop an earned secure attachment style?

[@JeanLe]

I will say that I have a more secure attachment with my husband who has a secure attachment style with a slight anxious attachment. He was the only person who gave me this feeling of safety, out of the all the men I’ve dated. But there was a lot of work, personal therapy and couples therapy, involved. And I’m still working on myself (year 10 together.)

[@neekolezx]

Yes it's possible. I was a fearful avoidant and am now a secure attachment. It takes a lot of self work to rewire the brain and question the thoughts that come through about the "worst case scenario assumptions"

[@akiva8547]

@@neekolezx How did you do this?

[@Gfjancnslsdvv.ft1]

this is very helpful, thank you

[@amag6889]

Oh my god😭 it is sooo me to a T. Thank u so much for the video. I was just rejected by a dismissive avoidant. He told me i was going back and forth n i didnt kno what i wanted. It hurt to hear it but it was true. I look forward to improving that part ofme, single or not.

[@xmontovanillix]

Thank you a ton for these videos, I just want a good relationship for once lmao Hopefully now that I know so much more about myself it'll be possible.

[@purplemoose6431]

Thanks for this video

[@michaelfels4742]

This helps a great deal. For a more advanced look can you do a video combining myer’s brigg with attachment theory and even add love language. I feel like an extrovert fearful avoidant is going to be different then an introvert fearful avoidant. Let alone when you factor intuitive and judging and the other personality traits.

[@ancient_bam]

I have this attachment style and the guy I was dating/trying to date also seems to have this. The difference between me and him is that I have autism as well and basically grew up in therapy, so I can't read minds by looking at people and I know I can't get away with NOT trying to communicate, and more recently I've been diagnosed with PTSD related to romantic relationships, so I'm in therapy and already expect my feelings to be irrational. He, on the other hand, hasn't had those resources so he just outright disappears and 99% of the time refuses to communicate. We have this stupid cycle where one will push the other away, and then regret it and reach back out in a way that scares the other off. Every time we're actually on the same page, like clockwork, we'll both freak out but he usually freaks out worse than I do. I was convinced for a while that he was just trying to manipulate me, but now I think he's just as crazy as I am, but better at reading body language and with less training in communication. I don't know how to fix this though, because if he won't talk at all when something is wrong, how can we resolve issues? I think we're broken up now but I'm not sure who broke up with whom. I still don't really understand what happened.

[@gwenwilliams3906]

Thank you 😊 I’m a FA and needed this

[@jupiterwaltz9989]

So helpful 🙏🏼