Is Passive-Aggressiveness a Personality Disorder?

[@RBuckminsterFuller]

I feel like it's passive-aggressive to send a link to this video to someone you think is passive-aggressive. I'm in a real bind here.

[@femininegremlin]

I literally just did this to my brother

[@Lucky10279]

Why don't you try talking to the person? You could also post the video on your Facebook page (or whatever platform you use).

[@Yayyyyyyyyyy]

Be honest and straight forward 💪💪💪

[@dantheman40434]

You should send a link to the video to the person with the caption, "You're always passive-aggressive and it's not helping anyone. Here's a video with more info." From that point, they'll either be overtly aggressive, they'll become passive-aggressive to the point of childish absurdity (this is a funny spiral to watch), or they'll take on a combination of the two.

[@chloella2786]

Mikayla Eckel Cifrese but that's also passive aggressive

[@Jebbtube]

The solution's obvious; be openly aggressive towards everyone!

[@Lese203]

MagnuMagnus omg you feel so much better when you do!

[@thstroyur]

You should start your own cult

[@Lese203]

Iago Silva boring.

[@rosiex2757]

don't do that

[@patrickshelton3053]

Yes sir!! Nailed it.

[@Master_Therion]

0:46 Sarcasm and jokes? Are you talking about me? Sure, whatever, fine. I'm not mad.

[@BothHands1]

xD

[@rachelelizabeth6017]

😂😂😂

[@sebastianelytron8450]

"someone on the SciShow staff" ...you mean just one person?! I imagine the whole team huddle around the screen after the upload waiting with bated breath for the Master's comment.

[@iwanabemw2]

Thelema 😂

[@Master_Therion]

Mc Cold 93!

[@ichigodrosera9583]

The 'dishes' example was a really bad one.. as someone who has known people so passive aggressive that they would do things like 'accidentally' stain your clothes, ruin your food, and even let your pet out of the house after a disagreement, there are definitely instances where it's more like a disorder that even keeps them from healthy interactions.. If the type of person I'm thinking of was angry you didn't do the dishes, they'd break your favorite glass, then when you asked about it say "whoops, if you had just washed them earlier, it wouldn't have been in the way and I wouldn't have accidentally knocked into it! How sad!"

[@a.d8257]

Truee passive aggessive people are cowards and have evil tendencies towards anyone who disagrees with them

[@mooselove]

That’s how my mom was, I lived in fear of her.

[@DevDabs420Official]

@@a.d8257 that's a very interesting way to look at it, your comment resonated with me.

[@Tekeydieb]

Yea, asking you to do your dishes is not passive at all.

[@jacobdriscoll8276]

It's probably not a personality disorder. It's just that some people need to do the dishes. Karen.

[@thstroyur]

Plankton.

[@maxximumb]

Stefan is terrible for not doing dishes.

[@ThallanarRabidtooth]

You forgot the smiley face. That's how people know it's passive aggressive. :)

[@BothHands1]

LOL

[@hannajung7512]

Jacob it can be... I tend to be passive aggressive myself when I feel backed up... it is almost crippeling, when your first reaction is to either not do what you are suppossed to do at all without talking about it, or you do it but with a deep grudge and tears in your eyes because you feel misstreated and feel unable to confront the person. It has many faces, to place post its is not a very good example. But people who do give in an arguement to then stay silent with grudge. Or just sit down and outright to refuse to participate in the activity, just because they could not have it their way, while not even trying to convince the other side. I do not know how it is for everyone, I can only speak for myself, and I have an irrational fear of beeing rejected and the constant feel, that the other wouldn't be able to understand me even if I tryed. This is of course unfair, as it also comes with this irrational expectation, that the other has to somehow feel that something is wrong, by those little clues you drop. Since I know, of this side of mine and realized, that this is no good way to live I still struggle... but at least I can confront people from time to time, communicate my feelings and thus find a way to solve the conflict instead of avoiding it.

[@dantheman40434]

In my experience, there are two types of passive-aggressive people: communicative and non-communicative. Communicative passive-aggressive people are the ones who leave you sticky notes, emails, or text messages. Their goal is to communicate their irritation while avoiding confrontation and/or being the "bad guy." Non-communicative passive-aggressive people are the ones who give you the silent treatment, sarcasm, and/or one word answers. Their goal is to punish people who upset them through discreet insults and alienation. You can talk and come to a resolution with communicative passive-aggressives, but non-communicative passive-aggressives don't care enough about other people to listen.

[@Hamster-ie8qz]

Oof, I'm more of a communicative passive aggressive person I guess but I do sometimes act non communicative passive aggressive. Lol

[@Hamster-ie8qz]

I'm always the one at fault lol

[@Amy_the_Lizard]

I've done the communicative form by necessity a few times. I would have preferred a more direct confrontation, but I didn't know who the guilty party was, so left a message in my dorm floor's group chat that basically said, "Whoever is currently smoking, please stop. It's giving me a migraine, and I can't take the only medication I have that deals with bad ones more than once a week without risking kidney damage, and I'd like to stop being in pain. If you don't stop, I'm telling the RAs since this IS against dorm hall policies." This happened several times, though after the first couple of complaints I left another girl who had asthma started complaining as well when it happened.

[@Sound7heWarCry]

Please tell me more about the communicative passive aggressive person. Would like to understand more about these types

[@EmeliaSings]

i dont know MOM, is it??

[@vulcanfeline]

that statement is a good example of passive aggressive language

[@Furiends]

No that sounds like a good example of forwardly aggressive.

[@soccerandtrack10]

HIS NAMES PAUL!!!!!!!(trademarked)

[@ryanliberty]

Sure. Whatever. Fine.

[@DicedTea]

4 years ago, 83 likes, 0 replys imma make history and change that

[@Honeybreee]

Me? Passive-Aggressive? _Noooo, never_

[@fafnirthelagaardianhaxorus9862]

Haha

[@JoshuaHillerup]

I find how it started to not be very legitimate. Drafted soldiers can't exactly defy orders in assertive ways.

[@naruto_uzumaki2012]

Joshua Hillerup That's exactly the point. It's a way of being hostile without being obviously aggressive.

[@windsgrace688]

I dealt with this kind of thing about a week or two ago. A person was getting snappy at me and making snide comments. Talked to them privately, big surprise they were upset about something. We had a productive chat, came to a mutual understanding, and made amends. Quite possibly a best-case scenario honestly.

[@adamwise1111]

I feel like passive-aggression is an ingrained personality trait. I live in a house full of non-confrontational, passive-aggressive people, and I see this behavior repeated pretty consistently. I'd almost buy that it's genetic, considering everyone in my family acts that way. It might just be a part of our family dynamic, though. We've been raised not to get into arguments, so we find other, less productive ways of conveying our frustration.

[@glee_again2594]

This is my husband and his family. It’s actually not the most healthy, but once you’ve been raised in it, it’s gotta be hard to recognize change would be good, or be willing to. I found it alarming at first, but somehow still married in.😂 I’m still married 23 years, but I’ve always longed for a more communicative relationship with my husband.

[@metametodo]

You act and impersonate the character so well Brit. Probably my favourite SciShow host. Really thank you.

[@KooblyK]

Sure, lots of people can be passive aggressive sometimes, but that argument is like saying that everyone gets anxious sometimes so anxiety disorder isn't real. Maybe SOME is normal, but I think it's definitely plausible that in some people, it's a chronic problem, i.e. a disorder. Like, I experienced all of the potential childhood triggers for acting that way, but no one who knows me would be able to cite instances of passive aggressiveness. And even if we could point to an environmental trigger, I don't think that negates the existence of a disorder. Definitely more research is needed.

[@CaptainFSU]

I generally get passive-aggressive when I am not permitted (whether because of society, a person's temperament, or a particular situation) to assert my own disobedience or displeasure. "Insubordination may only be the evidence of a strong mind." - Napoleon Bonaparte

[@seandoherty8858]

Good quote!

[@dupersuper1938]

belonging to a bad guy

[@Furiends]

+Coire Jones Whats remarkable however is how often passive-aggressive is used by someone who is socially in a position of power like for example your parents, the loud one in a friend group or clique or on the job.

[@TheLmack8]

Thing is, are you actually limited, or feeling you should limit yourself, and project that onto others? It's not fair to project your own limitations onto others and pretend it is from them.

[@allykat5899]

I'm passive aggressive but I also grew up in a dysfunctional family

[@BothHands1]

yeah, I know the feel RIP

[@6Benni9]

I do too, it's like walking through no man's land, so PA is the safest way

[@LapisGarter]

same same

[@stellaw3620]

Honestly same. But I still don't get what is wrong with passive aggressiveness, what is so bad about ?? Am I the only one that doesn't get, why that is bad?

[@Furiends]

+Stella W Give an example of something you'd do thats passive aggressive? As a side note passive aggressive is generally about avoiding confrontation.

[@KatGlos]

I can't stand passive-agressive behavior. It's a deal-breaker for me when it comes to friendships and relationships.

[@JoeSmith-cn7ur]

I think there’s a difference between being petty and passive aggressiveness. If someone forgot to wash my mug, or they did it on purpose because I left it somewhere irritating, that’s fine - if my partner changes the bedding and doesn’t make my side of the bed as a normal person would do when changing the bedding, that’s more on the petty side and seems mean spirited in which case I’d agree with you

[@annoloki]

The dishes note wasn't passive aggressive, it was an active request, but fine, don't worry about getting things right, it's not like any of this matters

[@howtubeable]

"Please do the dishes" is an active request. "I'm not your MOM!" is passive-aggressive.

[@jeffreybernath6627]

This video suggests a more general video about personality disorders in general, what they are, and how controversial they can be.

[@jeremymiller4189]

Controversial?

[@Nylak-Otter]

Literally just had a vicious throwdown about this particular aspect of my behaviour with my partner yesterday. I don't express my displeasure openly (supposedly from growing up in a household that was quite violent) until I can't take it anymore, and then it appears that I am extremely upset out of nowhere with no build-up or warning. Understandably, this is baffling to my partner. Proper communication is difficult, apparently, for those of us that have been conditioned to only expect violence in reaction to displeasure.

[@sharonseymour8037]

Please Get Some Help ❤

[@brianshea2515]

First - Great shirt. Where does one purchase a similar one? Second - Imagine this scenario: Person A notices that something needs to get done by Person B Person A leaves a note, as they won't see Person B for a few days. Person B reacts badly to the note and calls Person A passive aggressive. Person A then goes from Neutral to Upset. Person A was Passive, and the insulting commentary has made them Aggressive. Person A may need to find a better way to communicate, but so should Person B.

[@sourcedrop7624]

One of my managers leave threat notes all around work for people. Not one person there likes him on any level. Don't know why. :)

[@gryphonshire]

I HATE that "Happy Face"! Nurse Manager on my Unit used to post them too often. I got "passive-agressive" myself, & started drawing a red "bullet hole" (complete with drips) on them. I got a note stuck into my personnel file for it, but all the other RNs cheered me!

[@AveryMilieu]

I fail to see how a polite reminder to do something that has been forgotten in the past becomes "passive-aggressive". In a military situation, the slowing down of responses and disagreeable attitude may be the ONLY way to voice an objection to unreasonable demands. In the case of the dishes, though - it's possible that the note reminding you to do your dishes/take out the trash is just that. Some people resent being reminded (because it forces them to deal with the fact they are less than their projection of perfection, perhaps). Others are letting the jobs go undone in hopes that the "passive-aggressive" poster will just take up the slack, do the adult thing and let the offenders continue being children. At that point they start complaining about how unfair it is, how aggressive it is that they got reminded. I've lived with these people - both sides of the coin - and really - the "Passive-Aggressive" is the slob who doesn't do their own dishes and leave the sink clear, not the person who leaves the note.

[@fireredemblem4943]

Avery Milieu I think the person leaving the note can be seen as passive aggressive, in the sense that they aren't directly reminding the other person to do the dishes. They left a note for the other person to read instead of communicating with them directly, either by text, call, or face to face. I think it seems like they're trying to avoid the confrontation of actually reminding them, while still reminding them. I do see how in some situations where cell phones aren't as prominent a note would be necessary to communicate, but now it's just kind of a redundant and passive-aggressive way to communicate.

[@fireredemblem4943]

It probably also has something to do with how the note is worded.

[@AlabasterJazz]

Yeah, like aggressive and passive are on a sliding scale. "Please do your dishes: I'm not your mom" is like passive-snarky, while "Hey dipshit! I've told you to do your dishes or there would be consequences, so now I've gone and smashed them all - if it happens again I might smash your face" is like passive-psychotic

[@deltaslushie]

Although, depending on whether or not the dishes are actually smashed, that second note could just be a case of normal playful human friendship. Aliens must be confused by us.

[@annoloki]

The dishes note is an erroneous example; it's an active request, which makes it not passive-anything. So no, you don't "fail to see", they failed to show.

[@TheHadesShade]

I think the difference here in passive aggressiveness is how you use it. If someone only uses passive aggressiveness to communicate to pretty much everyone they communicate with and are not open to a honest en meaningful discussion/talk then you could call it a personality disorder. Everyone has used passive aggressive behavior at least a little bit.

[@BothHands1]

I unfortunately use passive aggression commonly. Well, I wouldn't say commonly, because I try to avoid disagreements completely in the first place, but straight out arguments make my whole brain freeze up and my hands shake, and I can't find words, like a deer in headlights. So on the rare occasions I can't avoid conflict entirely, doing it in a passive non-confrontational way is the only way that works for me.

[@BothHands1]

Though I do know how infuriating it is to deal with, my grandmother was quite passive aggressive in her time. After a disagreement, she would talk out loud to the dog in front of me about how unreasonable I was being, rather than saying something to me. *rage* lolol I wish I was able to confront people face to face like a normal person, but I don't know. My GABA systems and dopamine systems are pretty out of whack, so that's surely exacerbating the issue, but I think the root of it is nature or nurture, or both.

[@thstroyur]

Here's a 3-Step Programme: 1) First time: passive-aggression 2) Second time: rational confrontation 3) Third time: fork over some dough to a specialist There was a 4th Step if all else fails, but it's too "sexy" for YT

[@grandsome1]

You probably have more anxiety than the norm, maybe you should work on that. Also being aggressive-aggressive can reduce the anxiety, either by rationally stating the problem or spitting fire, you should try.

[@BothHands1]

Grandsome yeah, i have very serious anxiety. I started self-medicating with benzodiazepines, which really helped at first. I had all the confidence in the world, i was super social and didn't overanalyze every word that came out of my mouth, wondering if somehow anything i said could be taken to mean something else. Slowly the dose increased until i was taking 20mg alprazolam per day, 10 of those 2mg bars. After missing a few days when i travelled, i had severe seizures from withdrawal, and after a few stints in rehab, got off and then on and then back off of them. While i haven't taken them in 2-3 years, I've irreparably damaged my brain's GABA system, and the anxiety is much worse than in the beginning. I'm not sure it's something that can be fixed, tbh.

[@cluckeryduckery261]

My typical indifference towards most things often gets mistaken for passive-agressive or even apathy.... though the apathy part actually makes sense

[@thstroyur]

You should lay on the ground more often to get your point across; learned dat from da hippies :)

[@futureaests2170]

the editing in this was amazing!

[@nobob8564]

I think the office/workplace environment has also trained us to be passive aggressive, as one usually cannot express aggression or confrontation without facing disciplinary measure. Could you do a video on this topic?

[@alyssawyant1366]

It is so much easier and more effective to just say how you really feel, get it all out, and get over it. Holding onto little things and being a snide ass just ruins all forms of relationships.

[@Beryllahawk]

Speaking from "inside" the problem (I've been told that I have this problem and can sometimes even recognize it as it's happening)... For myself, when I do get upset or angry or frustrated - I also get incredibly anxious. I don't feel like I can express my upset at all, that it isn't safe for me to do so, and I have severe problems with articulating those negative feelings in any non-destructive way. I had a bad childhood, abuse all over the place. I figure that is probably where some of my fear reaction comes from. The problem that I have isn't "why," though. It's learning more, and better, ways of handling the feelings and the situations. I've gotten better at asking for space, and for time to get my head straight, so that I'm not reacting with a maelstrom of negative feelings. It doesn't work all the time, and if I can't find a way to back off from whatever is upsetting me, sometimes I still cause a lot of trouble for myself and others. Nasty comments, one-word answers, all of that and worse. I suspect this is one of the most difficult "disorders" to study, because a huge part of it involves a kind of lying to *yourself* about how you're feeling or why you're doing certain things.

[@VK2GPU]

I was once called out for being passive-aggressive for a note I wrote on the fridge once, which was along the lines of "If anyone eats my cheese without asking again, I will cut you :)". Not sure it was passive-aggressive, given that I did add a threat.

[@myozbubble]

I thought it was a learned behavior.

[@blizzard2508-k7n]

They learn to do it by themselves, and not their parents

[@myozbubble]

They can learn it from many places.

[@custos3249]

It is, and you're right about it arising from different areas.

[@naruvoll]

That's the impression I've been given but learned very young. Like to the point you won't really remember it young. I'm in CoDA, which is essentially Alcoholics Anonymous but for Codependency instead of Drinking, and they claim Passive Aggression is one of the offshoots of their problem, that we become passive aggressive to enable our codepency. They say it's learned but also very deeply ingrained, like you do essentially need some kind of treatment for it. But since their mission is treating it, they may have some bias.

[@KatGlos]

I had a childhood friend who was very passive-agressive, and I noticed that it's just the way her entire family handled conflict, her parents as well as her siblings.

[@pr433]

What used to be labeled Negativistic Personality Disorder and Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder; these types of individuals are the modern-day vampires especially those that look at you with the psychopathic stare. He was a quiet introvert, a nice guy that had a pleasant / peaceful resting face.....all I needed to know is what did he want from me?

[@VigoDoria]

Brit made a great performance in this vid. She is always very good at this, but this time it feels like she had a great day or something, there are sparkles in her eyes. She is also a pleasant speaker to listen to.

[@gaillewis5472]

"Red next to yellow can kill a fellow." Cool tee shirt.

[@thstroyur]

Yeah; if you starting pissing blood, kids, you should definitely go see a doctor

[@Sylvirayne]

Red next to black, you're okay, Jack?

[@freya-the-wolf]

This is a myth, many coral snake species and specimens do not follow this rule.

[@AlBarathur]

Passive aggressive person opens up to their partner: "I am 90% sure that I am completely tired of you for ever because you might have exhausted my patience in an irreversible way. I haven't acted on it just yet, in case I might be mistaken or you change into a different person. Thank you for listening to me".

[@kyivstuff]

Oh yes, it’s a personality trait. In my mother it’s a modus operandi.

[@kyivstuff]

Paying attention and open conversation doesn’t work.

[@Furiends]

Lest you try open conversation with a con artist.

[@Liliann31]

Kyïv stuff my mom is the mastermind of this behaviour, I won’t even know if doing something wrong and she won’t even tell me until later and then mention how “Angry she was”

[@Nihilnovus]

Being passive aggressive is a way of life for this one

[@BothHands1]

If completely avoiding the conflict all together is impossible, at least xD Then passive-aggressive is the only option lol

[@Yayyyyyyyyyy]

What happens if someone doesn't comply with you?

[@0Clewi0]

I didn't choose the passive aggressive life, the passive aggressive life chose me.

[@stellaw3620]

N C although assholes we make pretty great conversation partners :)

[@vulcanfeline]

if your life truly is passive aggressive, i predict that you're not a happy person. learning to speak (or even feel) your anger can be freeing even if it's very hard work

[@7amaniR]

0:54 Best part by far

[@maxximumb]

Yeah right.

[@RavienGaming]

Sure. Whatever.

[@EricWeberFilm]

FINE

[@marnenotmarnie259]

i learned it from my parents. it's basically the only way they communicate. i've been trying to learn how to not act like that though, especially with how my first experience with having roommates has gone. also i appreciate learning the term "indirect violence". one of my roommates has been more and more aggressively banging dishes together when she's mad at me, and she knows that it gives me migraines. it took a lot of self control not to go break a bunch of dishes the last time she did that lol (and no i am NOT renewing this lease)

[@zarry22]

I've got a good one; When asked to do too much at work I used to agree to everything and then overwork myself half to death, becoming a victim. Then I'd feed off pity and hope my superiors would see they'd given me too much work without my having to actually _say_ so. It was totally disgusting behavior on my part and very VERY passive aggressive! I think people pleasers are often passive aggressive because they're too afraid to refuse requests or assert their own boundaries, even when it _is_ safe to do so.

[@artemisa5456]

I usually do this to my mom when we argue, she's the type that doens't want to hear explanations and would totally ground me if I yell at her, and things alike. So since the problem couldn't be solved and I am also very frustrated, I turn totally passive-agressive. So when she asks me to do something I do it literally, but with mistakes that make her absolutly mad. Like if she says 'Pass me the salt' if would give it to her but a little far from her reach. And so on.

[@JanetStarChild]

This is a problem I've been trying to fix for years. I used to be very passive aggressive in my younger years, and while I have managed to reduce that problem, I still have a long way to go.

[@NayOnFrames]

Me after reading the title: "This' sure gonna be a good one." As I am both defensive _AND_ agreeing.

[@shayn6091]

I like how the DSM has different versions, like the handbooks and stuff for DND

[@makeupbyushna3085]

After watching this video, I am more skeptical about other personality disorders. Thanks for the video! It was thought provoking.

[@thstroyur]

We should all be skeptical whether we're even people, ITFP...

[@KonniWynn]

lol, and here I thought passive-aggressivness was a valid way to deal with annoying people(while being annoying yourself)

[@jamescotter]

Man I really dislike passive-aggressiveness. Just communicate your emotions in a direct but understanding way. It's exhausting trying to navigate the tripwires of someone's emotional minefield.

[@billygoatideas]

Slamming pots and pans and giving one-word responses is ‘indirect violence’? That’s ridiculous

[@robertkalinic335]

You are showing symptoms of Humour in comment section disorder.

[@lunayen]

billygoatideas We're taught that it's wrong to bash someone's head to a pulp. Slamming with pots and pans is supposed to replace that urge to hurt someone, because you think of the pots and pans as the face you want gone. Same goes for the one word responses.

[@stellaw3620]

lunayen Whatever.

[@greyareaRK1]

Well, I *guess* you tried....

[@AyJay53810]

So what exactly is the difference in having an argument on paper through passive aggressive notes vs a full-on verbal altercation with a bi-polar roommate. I get it that open communication is how certain people want us to argue; however is it logical? I don’t see how, “wash your dishes, I’m not your Mom 😊” is aggressive at all. ‘Wash your dishes or I’ll hit you’ sounds aggressive.

[@glee_again2594]

You just described my husband of 23 years. Thank you for helping me understand him better!

[@NewMessage]

No.. really.. keep making videos like this. Really. No really. Go on. We like it. * clicks tongue * Really.

[@sebastianelytron8450]

Seeing as that joke is taken, literally the first comment and loved by the channel, you _might_ have been better off going a different route (although I did chuckle so fair play)

[@NewMessage]

Must be someone who blocked me, because I don't see it at all.

[@NewMessage]

You mean Therion? We both used 'passive aggression'.. it's the theme of the video, after all, , but they are hardly the same joke. Maybe Seb is just engaging in a bit of 'friendly trolling'?

[@sebastianelytron8450]

LOL not really. Posting a passive aggressive comment is the joke. The exact words don't really matter.

[@NewMessage]

By that logic, only one joke relating to the video content is ever legitimate. but keep stepping on the joke.. people LOVE that guy at parties.

[@gregsmith80]

Yeah, this is a really interesting video and all, but we wouldn't have to be talking about the note if you had just done the dishes, **Kevin**.

[@Toyon95]

3:50 Wow so interesting! That's definitely me. I've always been afraid to be ignored or not wanted and I am passive aggressive to the very person I am afraid will leave me. Almost anything will irritate me. I´ve become very good at hiding it (I think) but the feelings are still there ^^'''''

[@quixotic4233]

How does one demonstrate dissent when there is an imbalance of power in a relationship? Aren't those the situations where supposed "passive aggressiveness" comes into play? It's when a leader resents not having absolute, unquestioning control over a subordinate, as in the example of officers with drafted soldiers?

[@kayleighSky]

I apparently have passive aggressive techniques. But hear me out on this. I’m not good at conveying my emotions verbally. I’m not very successful at expressing my anger through words. And since I don’t attack or throw things at anyone I really don’t have a fighting chance when people ambush me. So instead I look for a way to escape because not only am I so upset that I’m now physically forced to show my emotional issues but I am scared of what will come out of my mouth. So I walk off and say “whatever.” And slam the door shut. I go silent for a while and after some space all is fine and it’s like nothing happened. Unless there’s no where to run. No personal space. Then I’m in total hell because now I’m having a panic attack over something so minuscule. ...this is part of the reason behind my agoraphobia.

[@majinoyal]

I knew it! I was labeled emotionally Disturbed when I was a child and was sent to see a psychiatrist which in my opinion worked too good And turned me from an enraged angry violent child to a passive aggressive pushover.

[@helsiclife]

this make sense in a confrontational western society like the Us , but how it applies to non confrontational eastern societies? I live in China, people here care too much about their face and go to great lengths to avoid confrontation. Being confrontational and expressing your feelings in an open manner it's frowned upon. So how physiologists could explain that?

[@vaiapatta8313]

Interesting video. I'm not sure whether dysfunctional behaviour patterns should be classified as personality disorders. After all, what is dysfunctional in one situation may be advisable in another. The problem with passive-aggressive behaviour is that it expresses hostility in such a way that the other person cannot defend themselves. There is no way to have an empathetic discussion with someone who is being passive-aggressive: they never give you a chance to communicate your feelings. Say, for instance, Alice and Bob have an argument where each of them feels that they were right and that the other disrespected them. Then Alice decides to give Bob the silent treatment. Bob feels that he has been wronged, but he has no way to communicate this to Alice; at the same time, he is hurt by her behaviour and desperately wants it to stop. Alice implicitly makes it clear that the only way the situation will be resolved is if Bob apologises. Say that Bob relents and offers an apology, even though nothing has happened to convince him that he was wrong and he has never had the opportunity to make his case. This apology is fake; sincere apologies are the result of earnest introspection, not blackmail! Of course, this is not a real resolution. It's basically forced dishonesty. Now Bob has a reason to resent and/or not respect Alice, and it eats away at their relationship. By contrast, direct aggression (of the non-threatening type - I don't mean someone scaring you, I mean for instance saying things like "You're a jerk/I hate you/etc") can at least lead to honest communication of feelings that goes both ways. In Alice and Bob's case, it may be preferable. It's far from the most effective resolution, but it's still better than some sick power game. (To clarify, I'm not saying you have to choose between direct aggression and passive aggression. Obviously, there can be other ways to resolve conflict, that don't involve any aggression at all.) All that said, there are some rare situations where passive aggression is actually the best option. This is usually when there's an extreme power imbalance, such as the example with the soldiers mentioned in the video, where one cannot have a debate. Perhaps being inefficient when obeying commands is the best recourse against an unreasonable boss, if you can't quit your job.

[@sabinajoh]

I am very passive when arguing face to face, but through text I feel like I can get my point across and let out all the stuff I want to let out in an appropriate manner. When I have an argument on the internet I can think through how to best explain how I feel and why I feel so, but if I had the same argument in real life I would come up with nothing since I’m not confronting and then have it build up inside me for months, thinking about what I should’ve said. People like to talk about how anonymity is bad, but if both parties are being respectful it can be a great way to let out steam and learn something new that you wouldn’t have learned in real life since both of you have a lot more of reaction time between statements.

[@firefoxwaffles5357]

For me it's just a last resort. If my roommate's just aren't responding to direct confrontation I'll leave sticky notes until it finally gets done :\ Thankfully I rarely have to do this, I try to make it clear up front that I really would prefer we talk things out in the open.

[@chloella2786]

Firefoxwaffles well at least SOMEONE in the comment section is self aware...

[@Triniswe]

*Oh, what a wonderful video...*

[@rosiex2757]

I find being passive aggressive makes people listen more without getting all the anger if you tried to confront them

[@flashcre8or]

Really glad you guys have moved past the basic psych101 topics you were doing, these videos lately have been really interesting!

[@jerushahstines8907]

I have bpd and have the symptoms of this passive aggressive personality disorder. The doctors think that it's part of bpd rather than a separate disorder. They really are dismissive of it being an actual disorder on its own.

[@sharonseymour8037]

I Have BPD No Passive Agressive Behaviour ❤

[@lovelycrimeboy8368]

The epitome of passive-aggressive is glados from Portal. So polite and profession while being snide and very hostile.

[@patryn36]

i was accused of being passive aggressive once by my mom, and yes i know that is not necessarily definitive. there is a very strong trend in people i have encountered to be very passive in their attitude, while on the other hand i can feel the depth of my aggressiveness. i do not show it for the simple reason that their are things i want that can only be found by getting along with people as a whole, or at least trying to, displaying the full nature of my temper would derail that goal. perhaps, those who maybe are passive aggressive are similar in that, and it is not a defect but a subtle reminder of the difference between at least two types of people, the ones favored by society and a remnant of how our nature was.

[@MemphiStig]

I don't consider post-it's passive aggressive, but my mom used them all the time for all sorts of things, and we had a very mentally healthy household. On the other hand, overt p-a has dirtied the waters of some otherwise good relationships. Someone always demanding their way, then saying "ok, whatever, fine, do it your way" when you dare to express an opinion or attempt to discuss it. Constantly being mad at imagined slights then refusing to tell me what I "did" because "you know what you did" or "you should know" or "if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you." That kind of pointless, petty, childish, totally aggressive but in the most non-confrontational way possible, useless sh*t, not even willing to have a calm conversation about it. But maybe I'm still just a little sore, because I've seen it so much.

[@Primalxbeast]

So it's better to just bust someone's nose when they're being a jerk than to make a smart ass remark? Screaming and yelling when annoyed about something isn't a personality disorder, but not being directly confrontational is? Everybody has disagreements, some people are just less direct about how they express their displeasure.

[@fireredemblem4943]

Primalxbeast I think it has something to do with the implication that screaming and yelling allows for a fuller release of negative emotions. And with all of those emotions out of the way, you can begin sorting through the problem. While if you make a sarcastic remark about something, it may not feel as fulfilling as screaming and yelling; and as such, the negative emotions aren't as fully released. The buildup of those emotions could be detrimental to your health, as well as your relationships. Every person is different though, so it is possible that some people can do things that seem "passive-aggressive" and still feel like they are fully releasing their emotions.

[@Primalxbeast]

Andrew Vasquez Thanks for your reply. I just think it's odd that it could be considered a personality disorder when screaming and yelling can also be very detrimental and there's the other extreme of holding in your feelings entirely. Being passive-aggressive seems to be a mid-point between the two extremes. Of course all 3 are detrimental ways to deal with conflict, I just feel that it's odd that one would get labeled as a personality disorder.

[@thstroyur]

No duh; have you learned nothing from our wise leaders and the totally necessary wars waged in the past?

[@vornamenachname2727]

Primalxbeast I have no evidence, but I think it started out in military and almost everything was a mental disorder until recently. The last part of the video talks about relationships and dysfunctional ways to win an argument and that's the modern description, not including sarcasm.

[@maxsalmon4980]

Yeah, the term 'disorder' was used with what I'd consider to be a lower threshold of acceptability some years back. There's a mountain of difference between relatively normal day to day passive aggression and behaviors acute enough to constitute a disorder. Most likely one reason it was removed from the DSM 5.

[@mariahp5688]

It would be cool if you guys did one on intrusive thoughts.. love your videos

[@Ferny1415]

I use sarcasm when im frustrated, when im humorous, when im angry. And sometimes a sarcasting commen appears in a serious conversation when im being defensive. Ive been told that im so good at sarcasm that even my family finds it hard sometimes to realize its sarcasm... idk if i may have a problem but i want to tone it down a bit.

[@ProgRockDan1]

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate the knowledge

[@hirobeez]

I did engage in passive aggressiveness in the past, but usually it happens AFTER the direct approach was attempted and failed to generate any response other than the good old "whatever" or "It's not my fault" or similar nice responses. At this point, I'd rather be indirect and resort very small amounts of energy for a few annoyances and then forget about it than build up stress everyday. Of course, it mostly happens because of cohabitation, and the fact that I HAVE to deal with it in a daily basis, but I really don't have the never-ending willingness to engage in fruitless discussions. As long as I can ignore it and be, for the most part, unaffected by things I don't completely agree with, I'd rather spend my time in more productive things.

[@liz2880]

Ok, but how is the person not doing the dishes not being held accountable for their messes? Is the other person supposed to be a doormat or something?

[@howtubeable]

Yes, the person should be held accountable. But leaving a note saying, "I'm not your MOM!" is not a good way to hold someone accountable. The note makes the other person angry and defensive. Be more direct. Set a reasonable time frame. And it's always better to talk to someone in person.

[@Furiends]

+ Liz Wouldn't leaving a sticky note like that be exactly like being a doormat?

[@dtmistheone]

So, I'm not supposed to be angry after an argument? Or I am supposed to act like nothing happened? I don't get it. What if either side doesn't come to an agreement? At work, I give all the benefit of the doubt and help in training but after a week, if I don't see an improvement or an attempt, I just ignore and give my attention to those who are willing to work together. Am I being passive aggressive?

[@13vatra]

My mother is one of the most passive aggressive people I've ever met, for her it probably stems from the fact that she got slapped if everything wasn't up to Grandma's standards, didn't do that chore I forgot to mention? Slap, brother locked you outside so you couldn't do your chores? Slap, trying to explain why you couldn't do those chores? Extra slap. My father on the other hand expresses anger too readily, but almost never in the direction he should. Probably because his mother made a point of telling him she wished he'd never been born regularly. But yeah he and mom would get in an argument, which mom passive aggressively exited out of, so instead he'd turn to us kids and find something to punish us over even if he had to invent a rule on the spot and apply it retroactively. Yeah, I'm bad at expressing myself properly. With anger in particular I usually just bottle it up until I can't and go into a rage going to town on inanimate objects and then just act like it's normal to have always bruised and bloody knuckles on top of layers and layers of scar tissue. *shrugs* at least no one else experiences my inability process things properly.

[@thanrose]

Entire family with it. I've tired of trying to discuss it with them because of deflection, verbal abrogation, and reaction formation. Instead, I'll translate for them, which is also passively aggressive. "He really would like another cup of coffee." "She wanted to leave a half hour ago."

[@sicktoaster]

I don't prefer to be passive aggressive, but I often prefer not to confront people right away. I prefer to rehearse anything important while I'm alone before confronting the person about it. That way I have more control over how I come off. If the other person seems adamant about talking about it right away I tell them I need time to cool off and that I'll talk about it later after I've gotten the chance to have time alone.

[@capri1722]

Brit, where did you get that shirt?! I love it!!!

[@olumeselleumolu4335]

Umm...so quick question would avoiding a conversation because the person is angry and yelling and waiting for them to calm down so you can both try to work the situation out, would that be seen as passive aggressive?

[@gawayne1374]

What's wrong with the posteads?

[@howtubeable]

They're impersonal compared to face to face talking. They lack visual and verbal cues that come with face to face communication. Plus, she wrote, "I'm not your MOM!" That is very passive-aggressive. He already know she's not his mom.

[@gawayne1374]

Howard Wiggins well that one was not particularly nice. But you know, if someone in the shared laundry room at the dorms leaves their clothes in the drying machine for a solid half hour after it's done drying. And you pull them out and put yours in, leaving an apologetic note explaining the situation doesn't seem like a terrible thing to do

[@MaeBDemented11]

Annnnd that explains so much! Thank you yet again childhood, thanks again!

[@TheBrandeeRawr]

I absolutely love your shirt!

[@sharonseymour8037]

I Believe There Is Anger Underneath. A man where i live is passive agressive, nasty comments hostile, when i talk to him about him what hes up to hes fine. I find the behaviour upsetting as an empath.😊

[@TheZilo77]

I feel personally targeted for this video. Nah, it's cool. Don't worry about it. What do you mean "I seem angry?" Now why would I be angry? 🙄

[@Furiends]

I'm noticing a lot of people responding to this jokingly of course with what would really be more like paranoia or self-consciousness. Passive-aggressiveness is mostly a trait to avoid confrontations and it can because someone is sensitive or on the other end of the spectrum is can be because that person knows they are wrong and instead of being confronted about it they employ manipulative tactics. There's also the case where behavior *looks* passive-aggressive because someone is simply playing along with the "rules" of the passive aggressive behavior to begin with.

[@TheZilo77]

penguins forall I know that I, personally go through great lengths to avoid confrontation, to the point of physically leaving the situation (which usually only makes things worse for me). Confrontation, in my earlier years, meant being verbally berated and physically beat. I've been only modestly successful in convincing myself that not all confrontation will end up at that same result, because it most certainly feels that way in the heat of the moment. But yeah, I see your point. And of course, I'm glad you see that I was joking. 🙂

[@Furiends]

+Lee Lovelace I kinda wish there was a few terms to differentiate things because passive-aggressiveness encompasses several separate behaviors. There's a kind of "saving-face" passive-aggressiveness that I'd consider pretty close to psychopathic where someone who is otherwise aggressive and violent uses passive-aggressiveness to get away with it and manipulate their victims in public settings. There's also a less extreme version of that in highly egoistical people. Then there's passive-aggressiveness because that person is shy or very averted to conflict. Which I think the worst that comes out of that is lots of lack of communication and the other person feeling like they are being mislead, getting silent treatment etc. Then there is also the overuse of blocking as a "resolution" to conflict. And the overall assumption that any argument will never be solved in a group setting so the group tries to shut it down immediately. All the latter stuff I think is unrelated to any disorder although is the behavior a lot of people talk about with that term but the former is and is especially true of people in positions of power like parents or teachers who ironically already have a position where they don't have to be reserved in what they say.

[@autumnsemler8]

I love all your videos and what was the Inspiration for your hair it looks nice on you

[@nelsona9381]

is it natural for all of us to become passive aggressive if we reach our limit?

[@verdatum]

Weird. I took PSYC100 during the DSM-III, with the DSM-IV still in draft phase, and I don't recall hearing about this as a personality disorder at all.

[@marilynlucero9363]

I am very passive-aggressive at least until the same issue keeps returning. After is keeps returning my hints //tips in a passive-aggresive forms slowly turns to an actual anger. Which I don't like to feel, but can't be avoided as mentioned; it then keeps returning. It will by that time then be crystal clear to me that the other person isn't just 'forgetting' it but actively NEGLECTING it. (if not the problem would be that the other person has the common sense of a fruit fly - not literaly)

[@higurashikai09]

You know, I wouldn’t have to be passive aggressive if my roommate would just do her damn dishes. Honestly I don’t see it as a disorder (rich coming from me, I know). It takes time to achieve the point of aggression, so the alternative is just plain old aggressive actions: arguing etc. We’re all brought up to be “polite” or at least we should be, so passive aggression is just a way to keep polite when addressing an ongoing, infuriating issue without actually blowing up at the other person’s negligence. Like not cleaning out your cat’s own litter box, not doing your dishes, not cleaning up after your own guests. Ugh!

[@petmomful2260]

Would you call it passive aggressive if, for years, you asked your husband to come home after work, and be sober, because you have 4 kids, and he just cannot manage it? Or would you call it just being a rude, careless, clueless jerk. What if he forgets to tell you important things going on in his family, over and over and over and over again, for years, and just can't seem to realize that if someone dies, or there is a party, you might like to know? What if he just can't seem to hear his cell phone when you call, although he has no problem when others call? I just cannot figure out how a man who supposedly loves me can treat me this way. I was such a young, naive and dumb and trusting bride. But I am not young anymore, and not as naive. I think I am ready to go. I talked to him about it, but he just can't understand why that stuff is hurtful, and he sure did not mean it. Then he throws in a load of wash for me, and thinks now everything is okay. It is baffling. I am about to have a nervous breakdown.

[@maxinedoyle5015]

I use passive aggressive notes because 1, my mom does it and I learned by example and 2 because it helps me avoid conflict

[@Thnielsen85]

i really enjoy your videos, both scischow, psych and space. :) can you do a psych video on Aspergers ? my girlfriend got diagnosed last year with aspergers, and its a really complicated disorder/diagnose (what ever you call it) :)

[@crybebebunny]

Passive aggressive was what the Dr./ Therapist recommended for my child misbehavior. I was to become a passive strict to my child aggressive ignoring her. I not good at that so that didn't work.

[@ThallanarRabidtooth]

I apparently say a lot of passive aggressive things, like those short unhelpful words... When my mom asks me to do something I'm like "Fine." but I'm not feeling aggressive, or trying to hold back aggressiveness. I just don't think much needs to be said. Sometimes I don't even say anything and go do it anyway. Either way I don't feel like I'm being passive aggressive and I don't really notice it when I do say those kinds of things, but apparently a lot of the people in my life say I am EXTREMELY passive aggressive, to the point where some people are afraid to talk to me about something that might involve my behavior, because they're afraid of me being aggressive. Do I have passive aggressive personality disorder? xD

[@dreasmom2789]

This is me. Not too great extent I hope. And I have been trying to work on it before I even saw this video. Thank you this might help.

[@omarosweekly1982]

I'd is it a disorder, whole cultures would be suffering from this. In a lot of Asian cultures normal behavior IS passive aggressive. So seeing it as a disorder is very much a Westerners way of looking at it. It's like saying that assertiveness is a disorder with all Dutch and other Caucasian cultures.

[@chloella2786]

Omaro's Weekly Russia

[@lunayen]

Omaro's Weekly Assertiveness can also be a disorder. Being too direct is seen as obnoxious and can lead to anger or frustration for some. I should know, I live with Dutch people and their bluntness is annoying.

[@Furiends]

Part of the whole point of this video is that passive-aggressiveness was vaguely defined to begin with and then got baggage tacked onto it. I don't know about all Asian cultures but for example Japanese culture has a lot of social rules regarding how you interact with a superior which can cause problems at work especially. But being reserved and in more dire situations thinking of creative ways to communicate or failing to communicate all together is not the same thing as intentionally being disruptive and annoying to someone instead of confronting them about an issue you have. Further the underlaying reasons why someone might do this usually amounts ot them wanting to be right (presentably right) even when they know they are wrong. It's about ego and making sure others see you in a good light while those you're manipulating seem outwardly aggressive and upset because you're acting in a way that is intending to upset them.

[@carverredacted]

Part of the reason the first mental health clinic i ever went to didn't diagnose ANY personality disorder was because there was insufficient research.